


The Hole in my Heart

by Eimyfoty



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Children, Comfort/Angst, Crying, Crying Sam, Dead Dean, Dead Dean Winchester, Depression, Domestic, Domestic Bliss, Domestic Fluff, Domestic Sam, Domestic Sam Winchester, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Family Drama, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Family Issues, Father-Daughter Relationship, Father-Son Relationship, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Guilt, Guilty Reader, Guilty Sam, Guilty Sam Winchester, Hangover, Hurt Sam Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jealous Sam Winchester, Love, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, Marriage, Married Couple, Memories, Mild Language, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Mother-Son Relationship, Nudity, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Sam Winchester, Panic Attacks, Past Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, Return, Sad Sam, Sam's point of view, Wedding Fluff, Wedding Night, Wedding Planning, Witches, confused feelings, confused thoughts, implied/ referenced drunk sex, memories of holding Dean's lifeless body, reader in pain, switching point of view, too much pain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-28 09:46:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 59
Words: 407,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6324403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eimyfoty/pseuds/Eimyfoty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are married to Sam eight years after Dean's death. Dean, the love of your life Dean... How did you manage to move on with Sam? Will it all come crashing down when Dean comes back?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

You opened your eyes...your body felt sore on the soft mattress...it was still night...probably early hours...you were lying on your side and slowly you removed your hand from the covers that felt so comfortable and reached for your phone on your nightstand...

3:07

Great ! you still had some hours of sleep...

You turned around to face the man next to you... He seemed so peaceful. So perfect to you even with his hair on his face. In the beggining you begged him to cut it just an inch just to see how he would react. He never did it.

“ I love you but i wont do this” he replied every single time.

You thought he was in deep sleep. You moved your hand to stroke his hair and remove some stray from his forehead. He took a deep breath and asked.

“ Why are you awake?... it’s too early” his eyes still closed but he moved his hand to cup yours.

“I don’t know really... i just woke up” you smiled.

He opened his eyes to look at you. They were so pretty. Sometimes you just couldn’t believe how deep were your feelings for this guy. He looked at you and smiled, your hand still enclosed in his.

“ You should get some sleep. Tomorrow is a big day”

“ Yeah, you’re right” you said with a smile.

He released your hand and opened his arms for you to hug him. You moved instantly and burried yourself in his chest. He rested his chin on the top of your head.

“ Goodnight (Y/N)” he said.

“ Goodnight” you chuckled to the fact that it was actually morning.

“ I love you” he wispered.

“ I love you too, Sam” you wispered back.

You meant it.

***

You woke up the next morning in Sam’s arms. You couldn’t say you were fully rested but you had to wake up... You had to get your son ready for preschool and feed your daughter and Sam had to go to work.

He was working with the local cops. He started as an assistant... computer stuff. The sheriff noticed his great “ talent” in solving cases and decided to give him some extra cash in order to be a consultant. You both knew that all this expertese came from a life of hunting. Sam’s job gives him the opportunity to solve local monster cases... You both gave up hunting but solving local cases was a way to keep your family safe. Its’s been five years since Sam took a case out of town. Five years of being somewhat normal. Yes...that’s right. Five years of being normal and eight years without Dean.

Dean... The love of your life Dean. You still remember praying for him to be back from the dead...Again. Not this time though. He was gone for good. And it hurt unimaginably. You were one. You have never felt this way about anyone. How could you? It was deep love. Unconditional. You had issues. Who doesn’t. But he was everything to you and you were everything to him. One moment he was the man you’d spend the rest of your life with and the next...the next your whole world was gone...

“ Honey, you got to wake up” Sam wispered in your ear and kissed your cheek. You smiled at the kiss and removed the covers. Sam was already getting dressed for work. You stood up gave him a quick kiss on the mouth and went straight to your son’s room.

He was sleeping. Deep sleep. The covers were thrown all over and he was lying on his bed with one foot touching the floor.

You lauhed at the sight and moved close to him. You stroked his hair. It had the same colour as his father’s.

“ Dean...you have to wake up”you said still stroking his hair. He slowly opened his eyes. It was clear he wasn't back to consciousness yet. You helped him out of bed and you helped him put his clothes on.

He was beautiful. Well what would you say? You were his mother after all. When he was born there was no question about the name. You and Sam named him after the one person you both loved so much and you both lost. Sam was mourning Dean too of course. He lost his brother. The pain he was going through was unbearable. But he knew... He knew Dean would never forgive him if he did something stupid again to bring him back. You begged him to help you do something. Sometimes you felt like you hated him for making you go through the strongest pain you had ever felt when he could help you relief it. He could help you bring Dean back. That was only the beggining. You soon understood how right Sam was. Dean would never forgive himself even if there was nothing to forgive and you...you couldn’t bear it... You couldn’t cause more pain to Dean, the person that was everything to you just for your pain to be less. You had to keep going as you promised him one night before you fell asleep in each other’s arms...

You walked with Dean in the kitchen to make breakfast. He was fully awake now. You put his cereal in a bowl and filled it with milk. You handed him a spoon and passed him the bowl giving him a kiss on his forehead.

You made the extra healthy sandwiches Sam loved to have for breakfast while Dean was eating. You were about to check on your daughter when Sam walked in holding her in his arms. He was smiling at her.

“ I was about to come and check on you” you said stroking your daughters’s hand while Sam was holding her.

“ I figured so i brought Charlie to you” Sam said smiling and carefully passing Charlie to you...

Charlie... An other painful death...

Sam moved and kissed his son on his forehead.

“ Morning, buddy”

“ Morning, Dad “ Dean said smiling.

You handed Sam the sandwiches while holding Charlie and then you started feeding her from the bottle you had already prepared... You stared so happy at your baby... Only five months old...

“ Dad , how tall are you ?” Dean asked. You looked at Sam and you both bursted in laughter.

“ Dean, you really don’t have to ask every now and then... You will get taller... In fact you get taller every day” you said chuckling.

“ But i wanna be tall like Daddy” Dean said putting his spoon down and crossing his hands on his chest taking a stubborn look.

Sam laughed and made Dean sit on his lap.

“ You will get tall. In time...I promise” Sam said and kissed his forehead. Dean didn’t reply. He still had his hands crossed.

“Ok...” Sam said with a mischievious look in his eyes "I bet i can make you smile” he winked at you.

Dean moved his head to say “no”. Arms still crossed.

Sam chuckled and started tickling Dean. He started smiling and in a few seconds he was laughing really hard.

“ See? Told you I could make you smile” Sam smiled pulling away from your son. Dean smiled at him and said

“ I love you, Daddy”

“ I love you too” Sam said.

Charlie had just finished her bottle and was ready to burp. Sam immediately stood up and took her from your arms to burp her...

You heard the sound of the school bus.

“ Dean, come on it’s time to go” you said waving at your son.

He immediately stood up and moved towards Sam. Sam leaned and kissed his forehead.

“ Have a nice day” he said.

You led him to the school bus and hugged him goodbye.

“Be good.All right, honey?”you said.

“ Yes, mom” He said and stepped in the bus. His teacher waved at you as you walked back inside finding Sam putting your daughter in her rocking chair.

“ She is all set” he said smiling at you. You moved close to her and stroked her cheek. She was half asleep.

“ I’ll miss them” you said.

“ Come on. It’s only for the weekend” Sam said.

It was your anniversary this weekend and you arranged for Jody to take the kids so you could celebrate properly.

“ Still” you replied offering Sam a guilty smile.

“ Besides” he said cupping your cheeks “ We need some time alone” Charlie was asleep now.

He moved forward and pressed his lips to yours. It made you feel so good. So safe. You also felt how much you wanted him. He deepened the kiss and you melted under his touch. Your breath became heavy and your hands started exploring his back as he made his way to your hips.

You pulled away suddenly.

“ Yes... I guess we need some “we” time” you said as Sam pressed his lips on yours lightly once more. He pulled away and headed to the door.He opened it and turned to you.

“ I love you, baby” he said. You crossed the distance and pushed him out the door.

“ You’ll be late” you said to a chuckling Sam “ and I love you too” you said and closed the door behind him.

Now tou were alone... Of course Charlie was still there but she was asleep and she didn’t count. You focused on the chores you had to do...

You didn’t really like alone. It reminded you of the dark times you went through when Dean died. After realising there was nothing you could do you had to accept the fact. You had to accept that your whole world was gone... Your life was gone... You were spending all day every day in Dean’s room. You didn’t know why you just couldn’t move away from that room. When Sam tried to talk to you you said it was your room too. But you knew that you were there because it was Dean’s room. You were just lying on your shared bed in fetal position all day every day... You weren’t eating...You were just drinking some water Sam would bring you. You wouldn’t even look at him. All you could feel was an enormous hole in your chest that hurt like hell and purgatory combined... Maybe even more. Your eyes were filled with tears all the time. You weren’t trying to stop them or inflict them. They were just there all the time. No sobs. Sobs were an indication of fighting. You couldn’t fight anymore. You just let the pain consume you. He was gone and soon so would you. Only you would be gone amongst the living...

Cas used to visit once a week. He was checkng on Sam and was trying to comfort him. But there was only so much he could do as he was in pain himself. Still Sam found comfort in Cas’ friendship and vice versa. They started healing. Taking on hunts together. Sometimes you even heard them laughing.

You were still in Dean’s room. You were cursing in your head. How could they laugh, even for a second,when there was nothing to give any of you joy? How could you allow joy to yourself when somebody so...so important was gone? You were still in the same situation. Lying in the room you shared with your lost other half. Sam would bring you food and water. You would drink the water but only eat enough to get by. And that only because you promised Dean you wouldn’t starve to death.

Sam tried to talk to you multiple times. At first he thought it was better to let you grieve until you snapped out of it on your own. But you didn’t. A month after Dean’s death and you were still the same. Every time Cas visited he’d ask about you. The only time he tried to talk to you the only thing you did was demand he gets out in a low threatening voice. Sam’s answer to Cas’ questions was always the same...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Sam brings you back to life...


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam brings you back to life...

You did your chores and then attended to Charlie all morning. She was only five months old but she had already started teething. By lunch time you were exhausted. Charlie was whining all day. Sam should be home any time now. He had to go back to the police station but since work was so close to home he usually spends his one our lunch break here. Dean would be home too in a little while.  
You heard the door.  
“Baby, I’m back , how are you?” Sam said walking in the kitchen and giving you a light kiss on the mouth.  
“ Fine” you smiled and he turned to Charlie who was smiling at him from her rocking chair.  
“ And how’s my baby girl?” he asked tickling her tummy. She laughed.  
“ Well, she seems to have fun torturing mommy” you said and Sam laughed. You took her in your arms when she started crying again. “ What can she do , though, she is in pain” you continued trying to soothe her in your arms. You were smiling but you were mentally yelling at you. She was fine. She was just teething. Yet your heart would skip a beat every time she cried. You had to stop those overprotective mother thoughts. But that’s easier said than done.  
Sam understood what you were thinking. He moved close to you and wrapped his arms around you. He kissed your forehead.  
“ She is fine. She is just a little whiny, that’s all” he said kissing Charlie’s head and he continued. “ You remember , Dean? He was unbearable... We hadn’t have a decent night’s sleep for two weeks. Oh, and don’t forget the neighbors... They weren’t talking to us for a month.” He said laughing and you were laughing with him.  
“ It’s just that I don’t want to be an overprotective mother that will make her children suffocate” you smiled apologetically at him.  
“ You’re not” he said stroking your hair “ in fact you’re the perfect mom” he smiled “ and wife” he said giving you a light kiss on the mouth and you smiled giving him his daughter to hold her.  
“ You too” you smiled at him as he was rocking his daughter in his arms “ perfect dad” you stroked his hair “and perfect husband” you concluded planting a kiss on his cheek.  
He was... He really was. But even before that. Finding a way to comfort you just like he did now. You could still remember how he brought you back to life when you thought there was no life to go back to.  
You still remember the knock on the door.   
Like every other time you didn’t answer he just opened the door and left you some food and water. He turned to leave when he changed his mind and he sat next to you. It was the first time he did that and so he got your attention. You turned to look at him. He wasn’t looking at you he was staring at the wall. His eyes were full with tears.  
“ You’ve got to snap out of it, you know” his voice was calm and steady.  
Tears dropped from your eyes.  
“ He is not coming back” he continued “ I miss him too... I know how you fee...”  
“ You know nothing” you interrupted him. Anger was building up inside you. How could he possibly know how you were feeling? Sure he lost his brother but the pain you were feeling was way different.  
“ You’re not the only one in pain here. I lost my brother”  
“ You think you’re in pain?” you were angry now “ you...you forgot him” your voice trembling. You were furious. You started standing up driven by your anger. “ You are going on hunts with Cas. You laugh... how can you laugh?” you yelled.  
“ I’m not forgetting him I am moving on and so should you” Sam stood up too.   
You chuckled between tears avoiding his eyes. You were scared that if you looked at them you would physically attack him. Seemed like all your anger for Dean’s death was coming out...  
“ Look, (Y/N), I know your pain bu...”  
“ You know my pain?” you were practically screaming “ What the hell do you think you know about my pain ? I’VE LOST EVERYTHING”  
He just said a word. One single word and he left the room. Immediately. He didn’t expect your answer he just left.  
“ Jess”  
Jess...Jess...  
What a horrible person you were. You’ve been alone all this time telling yourself noone could understand your pain. You have lost the love of your life... Who could understan that? Only someone who lost his love too. And that someone was the person you screamed at because he told you he understood. Tears filled your eyes once more but this time you were feeling something new. Gulit. You sat on the bed and realised what you had just said to Sam. What your self-centered judgement caused you to say. That was it. That was the moment you realised you needed help. You were doing the one thing you promised you wouldn’t do. You were loosing yourself. You promised Dean you’d move on but all you were doing was self suffocating. And Sam... How could you be so blind to say those things to Sam.  
Suddenly the room you were in couldn’t hold you. You felt like you couldn’t breathe. You needed to get out. And you did. You opened the door and you stepped out. How long has it been since the last time you stepped out.  
Your mind was numb. Your body was moving on its own. You walked in to the library. Sam was sitting in front of his laptop.  
“ Sam” you started. He lifted his head and looked at you surprised. Surprised you were out of your hole.  
Your eyes filled with tears. You tried to call him again but your voice turned into a violent sob. Your legs couldn’t support you anymore and you fell on your knees. Sobs coming out of you. Sam was already next to you on the floor. He pulled you in a hug and you burried yourself in his chest violently sobbing.  
“ I know” he said rubbing circles on your back.  
You pulled back and looked at him.  
“ I need your help” you said in desperation. Tears running uncontrollable. “ I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry...I’m so sorry... I don’t know how to do it... I promised him... Please Sam... Please...” your voice faded in tears.  
“ Hey, you’ll be fine. Everything is going to be all right. Get it all out.” He said “ I’m here”  
You cried all night long with sobs loud enough to keep Sam awake but he didn’t go to sleep. He stayed with you all night just holding you as you were crying. In the morning Sam had fallen asleep. You got dressed your eyes swollen from your tears and your body still shaking from your sobs. You opened the door and for the first time in what felt like forever you went to buy breakfast for you and Sam...  
The doorbell rang and you rushed to the door. You opened it. It was Dean with his teacher.  
“ Nice to see you, Ms Winchester” she said with a smile as Dean left her hand to run in the house “ Dean was a very good boy today”  
“ Thanks” you chuckled  
“ See ya next week” she said to you and left.  
You went back inside to find Dean in his dad’s arms laughing. He was tickling him and as a result they were both extra noisy.  
“ So” you said making your presence noticed. You must have had a strict look on your eyes because Sam and Dean stood side by side like they would be yelled at.   
You laughed.  
“ So” you continued “ your teacher said you were a good boy today” you said and Dean run to hug you. “ I’m so proud of you” you said kissing his forehead.   
You served lunch for the three of you. Sam sat next to you, Dean sat next to Sam and Charlie was playing with her feet in her rocking chair.  
After you all had lunch Sam kissed Dean and Charlie and spinned you in his arms.  
“ Buy, baby” he said and left to return to work.  
You returned to the kitchen were Dean was still eating desert. You prepared Charlie’s bottle and started feeding her.  
“ Mom?” Dean said.  
“ Mmmm...?”  
“ Why don’t I have a grandma and granpa?”  
You froze at the question. Normally you wouldn’t but in the hunting life that was never a simple question to answer. You weren’t sure what to say to him so you decided to buy some time.  
“ Why do you ask?” your voice calm. The exact opposite of your heart. You weren’t looking at Dean you were watching Charlie drinking her milk. She rolled her eyes and looked at her brother.  
“ Today... Eric’s grandma came to take him home cause he was sick. And he has one and I don’t... why?”  
His voice was calm and his expanation simple. You decided the best way to answer was with the simple answer.  
“ You don’t have grandparents because both your grandmas and grandpas went to heaven... up to the sky... long before daddy and I got married.” You said and you were shocked by your own words. You wished that was the truth but in your lives it never was. You smiled at him and prayed he wouldn’t ask more questions. Yet he did...  
“ Will you go up to heaven?”   
You knew what he meant. The truth was you didn’t know. You certainly hoped not any time soon alive or dead. But you never know. You always had the fear that the life would somehow bring you back to the old familiar danger. What you knew was what your son needed to hear. He needed to here that you’ll be there for him.  
“ No , baby, me and dad are not going anywhere”   
He came to hug you and you hugged him back. Thank goodness he was satisfied with your answer.  
“ Are you done with your food?” you asked.  
“ Yes” he murmured in your arms.  
“ Good. Why don’t you go watch tv till dad comes back?” you suggested.  
“ Yes, mom” he said and moved to the living room.  
The rest of the afternoon was calm. Nothing out of the ordinary. Routine.  
The routine that saved you years ago.   
After the breakdown you had you slowly started finding yourself again. You started participating in hunts with Sam and Cas. You even caught yourself laughing wholeheartedly one night at a bar.  
A girl hitted on Cas and well...  
“ You wanna get out of here?” she said winking at him.  
Sam urged him with his eyes.  
“ Aaaa... Yeah. Where do you want to go ?”  
“ My place” she replied.  
“ But isn’t it better here?” Cas asked genuinely “ No offence but in my experience a bar is always better than a house” he said smiling like this sort of stuff was his expertise.  
“ You know, you could just say no” she said angrilly ( and cleary offended) and left.  
“ What did i do?” Cas asked you and Sam but you were too busy laughing.  
You and Sam had gotten closer. You talked more and you were always there for each other. Sam was doing all he could to help you move on. And truth was that you were feeling better but you had to realise that you’d never forget. You thought you could get to a point where no pain could touch you when what you should be focusing on was to learn to be happy with the pain, at least for now. You were getting there. Sam urged you to start having some fun with someone. Yet you couldn’t find it in your heart. You didn’t need sex at this point, you needed love. Any kind of love. So for the time being Cas and Sam were the only men you cared for. But the hole in your heart was still freaking there, making you shed tears at night but not stopping you from living ( sort of) anymore...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: You and Sam get close...really close...


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Sam get close...really close...

It was around 18:00 when Sam came back home from work. Dean had fallen asleep on the couch. Charlie was also asleep in her crib. Once Sam walked in you stepped out from the kitchen where you were reading a book and signaled him to be silent. He saw Dean on the couch and smiled while crossing the distance to the kitchen.  
“ Hey, Baby, I’ve missed you” Sam said and pressed his lips to yours.  
“ I’ve missed you too.” You said cupping his cheek. “ Are you hungry?” you asked.  
“ Not really. Maybe I’ll eat something later.” He replied. “ How was your day?”  
“ Dean asked why he doesn’t have grandparents... The rest was pretty normal.” As you talked he moved to the fridge to grab a beer. You noticed him flinch a bit at your reply.  
“ What did you tell him?” he asked frowning.  
“ The classic heaven stuff” you said.  
Sam nodded.  
“ Yeah, they don’t need to know the truth. Not yet any way...” he said mostly talking to himself.  
You gave him a smile to show him you understood what he was saying and that you felt the same way. He smiled back at you with a tone of melancholy in his eyes and of course love. Just like the love that was hidden behind your smile.  
He was about to drink his beer but then changed his mind and placed it on the table.  
He came close to you and pressed his lips to yours. The kiss was stronger than you expected. His hands made their way from your shoulders to the small of your back to your hips and suddenly he lift you up and placed you on the table. Before you could react he moved away from you and closed the kitchen door. He was back kissing your neck in an instant. “ Sam...” you said... The next word you meant to be “ stop” but he wrapped your legs around his waist. ‘Damn’... you thought...as much as you loved the sensation and as much as you wanted to go where Sam was going...  
“ Sam, Dean is sleeping in the living room...” your voice was something between a sigh and a wisper. You were loosing your mind. His breath on your neck felt so good.  
“ Exactly, he is sleeping” he said against your neck. You opened your mouth to protest but he found that sweet spot close to your ear that made you numb. Sam knew that spot all too well. He was seducing you and you were enjoying it.  
“ Damn you, Sam” you said and pulled him closer to you kissing him full on the mouth when he placed his lips on yours again. He moved his hand to cup your breast and...  
“ MOM...I WANT A SANDWICH” you heard Dean’s voice from the living room. Sam immediately pulled back and looked at his shoes half embarrassed, half laughing.  
There was a moment of silence. You were looking at your shoes too. You had most certainly blushed. After a few seconds you raised your head and looked at your man with burning cheeks.  
“ Our son wants a sandwich” you told him smiling still sitting on the table.  
“ I love him but sometimes i wish he slept a little longer” Sam said laughing as he helped you get off the table to go and make the sandwich. The blushing started wearing off and you could swear Sam’s cheeks were more red than usual.  
Truth was you wished Dean would sleep a little longer too. You’ve missed your husband’s touch. His kiss. You remembered the first time you got that kiss.  
Things were getting better in your life but the hole in your heart was still there. It felt like an open wound. A wound with no actual chance of healing not even with the hunts that kept you busy and the friendships that tried to soothe you. This wound would get numb but there never was any actual relief from the constant pain.  
Overall, the situation seemed better so Cas started staying away a little longer. He felt that you could cope well enough on your own now. His constant presence was no longer needed but it was always a pleasure. You and Sam spend every waking hour together. You found comfort in each other. Sam was in pain too but he was more worried about you. You caught him several times just staring at you. He seemed scared that you could fall back in deep depression any time. And part of you was afraid of it too. That was one of the reasons you were never leaving Sam’s side. He was a constant reminder that you were still alive and because of that you had to keep living. An other reason was the fact that you were worried about him too. Every time he talked about Dean he seemed reconciled with the fact that his brother was dead but you knew better than that. You knew he had a hole in his heart too. You were doing everything in your powers to make him feel better, even the slightest better, you took care of him. Like you used to take care of Dean. With Dean gone you needed desperately someone to look after to fill the emptiness inside you. And the closest person to you was Sam. One of the things that kept you going was looking after Sam.  
So months after Dean’s death you were working a case. You used Sam’s car as usual. Sam didn’t have that much of a problem to drive the 67’ Chevy Implala that Dean loved so much but you couldn’t ride with him. You would always turn to look at the driver’s seat and expect to see the smile of your green eyed man. You never saw that smile no matter how many times you turned your head. Every time was a slap in the face. You loved the car though and sometimes you enjoyed sitting at the back seat, when the car was in the garage , reading your book maybe. It was like a piece of Dean was still there. But like every piece of Dean in your life it hurt a lot. So when you and Sam rode together you used his car.   
This time you bumped into an old friend of Dean’s. One you’ve never met. Sam explained to you that Dean used to hunt with this guy once in a while when John was still alive. You didn’t like him. He seemed arrogant and irresponsible. Sam didn’t like him much either. You could tell from the way he was looking at him.  
At first it was small talk and then... Then he asked the question.   
“ Where is Dean? Haven’t seen that guy in ages” You felt your eyes watering instantly and you were taken over completely by the urge to turn around and leave. You felt Sam tense next to you. He knew you couldn’t get a word out of your mouth cause your voice was gone. He knew he was the one who had to anwer the question. So he did.  
“ He is dead”   
The guy started asking the whys and hows. Sam started explaining. You could feel the difficulty in his voice but you weren’t there anymore. The hole in your heart was a wound that started bleeding once again.You were reliving it... through Sam’s words. The pain was unbearable. You gave in to your urge. You turned around and started walking trying to regain your self-control. Sam didn’t come after you. He knew better than that. He knew you needed to be alone for a while. You walked around the block and tried to keep it together. You were loosing control of your breaths. You felt like you were suffocating. Strong pain spread through your chest. You moved your hand instantly to your heart still trying to control your breaths. Your eyes were wet with tears. You knew what was going on. You were having a panic attack. You’ve been through this before. The usual thoughts filled your mind. You were dying and you could do nothing about it. Even if you wanted to scream you couldn’t. Your voice was lost. The air in your lungs wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough. Life was black. No white. Just pain. Dean. He was gone. NO! No he can’t be. He should be here now. You started calling for Dean in your head but you knew he just wasn’t there for you. Help! You needed help. Your head was spining. Your knees tremblled. You rested your back at the wall next to you. Hand on your heart. Pain. So much pain. And death. This was the end. You failed Dean. You would die,right on this second. And suddenly Sam. The only person who could help. Sam. What would Sam say to you? He’d say that this is all in your head. Right, that’s what he’d say. That’s what he said last time when you were on the floor gasping for air. Because you called Dean’s phone number to hear his voicemail. You knew you shouldn’t. You so knew. But you couldn’t resist. But Sam, Sam was there. He soothed you. You weren’t dying, not yet. You started feeling dizzy. You had to slow your breething rate. You saw Sam in your head guiding you. Breathe in, breathe out... breathe in, breethe out. Your breaths got steady. Pain significantly less. Sam’s voice still in your head. Feet steady. Heartbeat close to normal. You were feeling physically better but emotionaly you were a mess.   
When you felt like you had everything under control you returned. You looked at the point where you left Sam talking with the other hunter. Non of them was there. You entered Sam’s car which was still parked in the driveway. Your breaths were still a little out of control but nothing too alarming. He was there. He was very tense.  
“ He said he will take on the case” he said without looking at you. Good... you thought. You didn’t want to stay there a minute longer.  
“ Let’s go home” you replied without looking at him. He started the car...  
The drive was very silent. You and Sam didn’t exchange a single word. You didn’t even look at each other. You were both lost in your thoughts. Once you were back Sam went straight to his bedroom leaving you alone. You needed this. You went staight to the kitchen and found the whiskey bottle that was still full. There was noone to drink it. You were always trying to convince Dean to drink less but the full bottle in your hands was like a punch in the gut. The pain in your chest was back. Well...you would empty it for him...  
You returned to the library and started drinking. You got drunk pretty fast. Half the bottle was gone and your pain was still there. Drinking wasn’t helping but you just couldn’t stop.  
Sam walked out of his room to find you drinking and crying. When you saw him you were certain he would take the bottle out of your hands and make you a coffee. He came close to you. He took the bottle from your hands but he didn’t go to make you coffee. He sat next to you and took a big ship of the whiskey. You knew something was wrong. Sam rarely drank.  
“ What happened to you?” you asked half crying, half laughing. He was drinking fast. When he talked you could tell he wasn’t entirely sober. The amount of whiskey he had already drunk was not enough to get him drunk. He was probably drinking in his room too. You weren’t the only one reliving Dean’s death that day.  
“ It was my fault” he said not looking at you. You knew what he was talking about. It was the only thing you could think about.  
“ No, it wasn’t. There is nothing you could have done...” your voice calm and serious.  
“ I should have taken his place... I should have done something.” He was definitely drunk now... The bottle was almost empty. You noticed his eyes getting wet.  
You acted instinctively. You leaned on him and hugged him resting your right hand on his chest. He placed his chin on the top of your head.  
“ You shouldn’t. Dean would never forgive himself if anything happened to you. In fact he’d hate himself even more if you were gone and he was still here...” It took you a while to understand and accept that but it was the truth.  
“ Eric disagrees” he said drinking the last drops.  
Eric the other hunter...  
“ What did he say?” you aked lifting your head to look at him. He wasn’t looking at you in the eye.  
“ He said that I am one hell of a brother. Letting him die. When I could save him...”   
“ At what cost?” you said resting your head on his chest again. You knew what would that cost Sam, Dean , you, the whole world even. This couldn’t happen again. Not this time... “ You were doing the right thing... Eric is an ass” you said and you heard him chuckle between tears.  
There was a pause where the only thing you could here was Sam sniffing. And his heartbeat. It resembled Dean’s heartbeat so much. Well, every heartbeat sounds the same, right? Not to you. Dean’s heartbeat was unique and so was Sam’s. But Sam’s reminded you of Dean’s at the same time. Your eyes flooded once more.  
“ I miss him” you said and it was more of a wisper... you turned to look at Sam’s face. It was too close to yours. Now it was your own heartbeat you could hear in your ears.  
“ Me too” he said in an equally low voice.  
You don’t remember who moved first. Was it you? Was it Sam? All you knew was that Sam’s lips were on yours and you weren’t pulling away. You couldn’t. As his lips moved against yours you felt something warm in your heart. You felt relief. The relief from the pain. You weren’t feeling numb. You were feeling like you were lying on the most comfortable bed after a very long day at work. Somethig inside you was telling you to stop but you couldn’t. Your mind was too cloudy and your pain felt so much better. You couldn’t pull back from the relief you were searching for all this time. The sensation was unique. It was like it was there all along you just hadn’t noticed. The hole in your heart wasn’t bleeding anymore. It didn’t miss Dean so much anymore...  
Sam deepened the kiss and you ran your hands through his hair. It felt so natural to touch Sam this way. To have his lips on yours. Something was screaming inside you that this was wrong but your crowded thoughts didn’t let the feeling to find the surface.His hands travelled from your cheeks to your waist. Then to your hips and damn... it felt so good. You could barely feel the hole in your heart. It was still there though. Of course it was still there but you were moving your lips against Sam’s.  
You didn’t realise how but you found yourself kissing Sam full on the mouth as he was carrying you to his bed. He laid you down as carefully as he could considering he was drunk too. In a few seconds he was on top of you. He was kissing your neck. One hand cupping the other side of your neck and the other running circles on your thigh. You heard him sigh. And then you heard yourself do the same. You were melting under his touch. Your hands were on his back exploring every inch. He gently opened your legs and placed himself in between. It felt so good, so wrong and so right at the same time. You started pulling his shirt until he was free of it. He freed you from your top. And then from your bra. He kissed you firmly and you pulled him as close to you as possible. He was gentle and rough at the same time. You were breathing his breath and he was breathing yours. His heavy breath on your neck. Your heavy breath on his shoulder. There was no turning back...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: The aftermath of your actions. You didn't really think everything would be fine, did you?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of your actions. You didn't really think everything would be fine, did you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by this song :  
> Elina Born - Goodbye to Yesterday

Dean was eating his sandwich in the kitchen where you were reading your book and Sam was feeding Charlie. She started crying just after you finished making the sandwich. You were ready to respond to her crying when Sam stopped you and told you he would take care of this. So you got yourself a little free time.  
You were expecting Jody any minute now. The kids were both ready to go. You’ve packed their bags in the morning. Dean finished his sandwich and started palying with his little airplane toy. Sam who had already finished feeding Charlie was now trying to soothe her but the pain was too much at this point. She wasn’t crying very loudly. It was more like whining.  
“ Dad... Why is Charlie crying?” Dean asked.  
“ Well... she is teething.” Sam replied.  
“ What’s that?” Dean looked at Sam.  
“ It’s when babies get their teeth.” You answered him lifting your head from your book. Your eyes were getting tired.  
“ Was I crying too when I was a baby?” You looked at Sam and he looked at you laughing silently. When he was a baby he was very very loud. When he finally started sleeping the whole night relief couldn’t begin to describe what you and Sam felt.  
‘DIN’  
You heard the doorbell. You stood up to get the door but before you could take the first step Dean was running towards the door.  
“ Dean, stop running” you yelled. He ignored you as usual. Maybe because he knew this was the overprotective mother talking.  
He opened the door with a smile just as you got there.  
“ Hey” Jody said with a smile leaning to pick up Dean. She gave him a kiss on the cheek and put him back down.  
“ Hi, Jody” Dean said and went back in the house.  
She moved on and kissed your cheeks.  
“ Hi, Jody” you said too.  
Sam was in the living room now holding Charlie who seemed slightly better.  
“ Sam “ Jody said and gave him a kiss on the cheek.  
“ Jody” he said and hugged her with one arm.  
“ How are you , guys?” Jody said sitting on the couch.  
“ Pretty good” Sam replied smiling sitting next to her. Dean was running around the house pretending to be an airplane and he was extra noisy.  
“ Dean... stop being so loud and stop running” you yelled again.  
“ Moooooooom” he whined as he moved close to you practically dragging his feet. You let him sit on your lap.  
“ Mom is right” Sam said passing Charlie to Jody. She cried a little in Jody’s arms but calmed down soon.  
You wrapped your arms around Dean who seemed a little angry.  
“ I’m sorry I yelled at you. But if you keep running like that you’ll get hurt and then mommy is gonna freak out and make daddy freak out too.” Sam chuckled and you felt your son laughing too in your arms. You gave him a kiss on the cheek and he turned around to give you one back.  
“ Guys, we got to go” Jody said smiling.  
“ So soon?” Sam said taking Charlie from Jody’s arms to put her in her basket.  
“ I’m afraid so.” Jody smiled.  
“ Yeah... We’re leaving!!!” Dean shouted.  
“ Isn’t that kid a little too eager to leave?” Jody joked looking at you.  
You laughed and got up setting Dean on his feet. Jody was already up. Dean was running out the door with Sam who was placing Charlie’s basket and the bags in Jody’s car.  
You were leading Jody to the door flooding her mind with reminders about sleeping schedules, tv hours, foods, allergies, even the freaking night light. Dean couldn’t sleep without his night light. He was afraid of the dark. Much like you when you were a kid. Once you were at the door you concluded.  
“ And this” you said getting something from your pocket and putting it in Jody’s palm. “ This is Dean’s spare asthma spray”  
“ Got it” Jody said putting it in her bag. You took a deep breath.  
“ Relax, (Y/N), this isn’t the first time.” Jody told you kissing your cheeks and you smiled apologetically.“ They will be just fine”. She reassured you and she headed to her car where she kissed Sam goodbye and left with two pieces of your heart.  
You trusted her completely with those. After all she was there for you since forever. To be honest, if it wasn’t for her those two pieces of your heart wouldn’t be in her car right now... How could you forget that morning...  
First thing you remember is opening your eyes and realising some of your pain was lifted. The hole in your heart felt like burning skin in cold water. Relieved but of course not gone. Your body felt numb at first. Then you started feeling sore. Your hips hurt like you’ve been running. Your back hurt too. The soft mattress was a relief for all your aching body parts. Your eyes were still closed...your eyelids felt heavy. Opening your eyes you saw the nightstand as you were lying on your side. At first your vision was blurry. The headache was extremely strong. You thought about it for a while. Yes...you were drinking last night. You hated hangovers. Once your vision was clear you looked at the nightstand again.Your intension was to check your clock but that wasn’t your nightstand and your clock wasn’t there. No...It had to be your nightstand. Your hangover was too strong you didn’t know what you saw. You search for your clock. Instead you found an other clock. Why wasn’t your clock there? You don’t remember replacing it. Yet...who knows what you did last night. You tried to check it but your head ached unimaginably making your vision blurry once more. You had to get closer. You tried to reach for the clock. Your back aching at the begining of your movement. Your hips sore as you changed position. And then something stopping you. You felt someone’s arm wrapped around your waist. This was the first moment it hit you. You felt cold sweat. Eyes clear once more. Headache ignored. You lifted the sheets that covered you. You didn’t have any clothes on... And there was a hand around your waist. Heartbeat rising.You turned around to see Sam sleeping next to you. Also naked. Your heart skipped a beat.You couldn’t move for a few seconds. You just stared at the naked man next to you. He was in deep sleep. You felt cold sweat on your forehead once again. You closed your eyes and shook your head. Your heart beating like a drum. You looked around. You were in Sam’s room. What the hell were you doing in Sam’s room? NAKED? Of course you were already suspecting the answer. You could hear your heart in your ears. Terror in your eyes. Your blood boiling.  
You looked at him once more. Oh God! Your head was still in pain. You struggled to remember what happened last night. Every time you tried you felt more pain hitting your temples. You went back to your last memory with your heart about to burst. Both drinking. That’s it you were both drinking. Then gap. Nest memory of... Him kissing you. Gap. Memories of him undressing you... Gap and raising heartbeat. Memories of you undressing him... Eyes wide open. Heart about to burst. Breaths almost irregular. Memories of having sex...with Sam... HOLY SHIT!  
You felt panic. Your heart dropped to your feet. Still about to burst skipping some beats at the same time. You tried to breathe. Your throat was closing . You felt cold sweat running down your forehead. Your eyes flooding. Tears running down your cheeks. You felt your whole body trembling. Your hands were shaking violently as you brought them to your mouth to stop the scream rising from inside. Your mind froze. What have you done? How could you? You remebrered his breath against your neck. With Sam? You remembered Dean smiling at you. Dean’s brother Sam? Panicked tears started running down your eyes uncotrolable. You run your shaking hands through your hair. Your body was frozen just like your mind. Your hands were moving instinctivelly. Then you felt your muscles tense. You saw Sam’s hand wrapped around your waist and felt disgusted with yourself. You gasped silently. He was trying to pull you closer in his sleep. You were loosing control of your breaths again. You pushed his hand away immediately. Not gently. Like his hand was a monster ready to bite you. You felt your throat closing again. Panic attack was at hand. No! You couldn’t afford a panic attack. You needed to get out of there but your body didn’t respond.  
Your mind was a mess. You couldn’t move again. You were still in Sam’s bed trying to understand how could you do this. You forced your hands to move.You threw the covers off. You were completely naked. You stood up covering your body with your hands. You didn’t want Sam to see you. But Sam was sleeping. And he had already seen everything... Terror rose inside you once again at the realisation. You had to get out of there. Your heart begun to flood with feelings. Not now. You had to get out of there first. Desperately. You started searching for your clothes. They were thrown all over. You were still trying to control your breaths. While searching you found yourself in front of the mirror. You looked at you. Black circles under your eyes, tears running down your cheeks, your nose completely red from crying, your body shaking from your irregular breaths, the terror on your face, the guilt in your eyes... But what made you freak out was the red marks on your neck, shoulders, breasts... You turned to look at Sam. He left his marks on you. Sam was just sleeping. So peaceful. His neck and shoulders had red marks too... You marked him too. Memories of that came back to you. You closed your eyes and shook your head. You didn’t want to remember. You opened your eyes and moved one hand on your mouth again to contain an other scream. You didn’t want to wake him up. You couldn’t face him. You didn’t want to know how he was feeling. All you knew was that you wanted to stab yourself. Guilt...guilt...guilt...That was all you could feel. Even the feeling of missing Dean was not as strong as your guilt now. Your hands were in front of you. Right hand touching your left shoulder, left hand touching your right shoulder in an attempt to hide your breasts leaving the rest of your body exposed. You knew there was no reason to try and hide. Sam was sleeping but even if he wasn’t the marks on you proved he knew you all too well. The marks on his proved the same for you. You pushed your nails i your flesh.You wanted to rip your skin to contain the pain your guilt was causing you. You got dressed. With your body shaking and your hips aching ( now you knew why!) you opened the door and stepped in the hallway without looking back. You went straight to your room. Dean’s room. That’s right. The room you shared with Dean. The room in which you had sex with him countless times. It felt centuries ago.You sat on the bed with your head between your knees and your hands in your hair. You could feel loosing control of your breaths again. “ I’m so sorry... Baby,I’m so sorry...” you mumbled between your teeth. Your eyes filledl with tears...You were talking to Dean. Your Dean that was no longer there. You knew he probably couldn’t hear you but you needed to say it. You needed to apologise. It was the least you could do for him after what you’ve done. You hated yourself now. Every flashback from the previous night was like a slap on your face. You ran your hands through the covers. This was your shared bed. And now... Now you went and... What a horrible...Horrible...HORRIBLE...person you were. How could you allow yourself to do such a thing?  
If it was any other guy it wouldn’t feel so bad. But Sam? How could you do Sam? Even drunk. How could you? What kind of twisted logic urged you to do this? You couldn’t stay put a minute longer. You started pacing in tears.Running your hands through your hair, trying to control your breathing, repeating the same questions in your head. How could you? What are you gonna do now? What are you supposed to do? You can’t even look at yourself in the mirror. You couldn’t look at the red marks.And of course sooner or later you’d have to face Sam. Your heart skipped an other beat. You couldn’t face Sam. You couldn’t face yourself let along Sam. He would probably feel guilty too but you coudn’t afford feeling sorry for him too. You made the huge mistake here. You were feeling sorry for yourself and your guilt was more than enough. Even thinking of Sam made you sick.What made you even more sick was that small flattering inside that had nothing to do with guilt or terror. What the hell was wrong with you? You couldn’t face Sam. You stopped pacing and found your bag. You filled it with the basics and walked to the front door passing Sam’s room trying to contain your feelings. Trying not to scream. You were standing at the door now. You looked back. All the memories you had with Dean. They were all dancing infront of you. And then...Your night with Sam started rolling in front of you too. You felt like you were being punched. Your hands more steady though. Your breaths contained. You had made your decision. You couldn’t stay there a minute longer. You opened the door. You were doing it. You were leaving the only home you knew for years. A small sob left your lips and you immediately felt like throwing up. How awful were you? You stepped out the door and went straight to your car. You opened the door and started driving.

 **Sam’s point of view**  
I was dreaming. Her soft skin under my hands. Her eyes telling me that she wants me. I smell her on the sheets. My hand is extended trying to hold something that isn’t there. In my dream it was her waist.  
My body feels sore and my head aches. I drunk way too much last night. I remember emtying the whiskey bottle with her but I had about five beers in here before that.  
Maybe that’s what triggered the dreams. I’m sure that when I open my eyes I’ll be alone in my bed.  
I open them. Indeed I am alone in my bed. My heart starts beating faster though. I’m naked and I can smell her perfume. This combination is alarming. I add my so called dream in it. I’m lying on my side. Though my head hurts I do everything in my powers to take a more concentrated look at my room. My side of the bed is fine but the other side has the covers thrown all over. My clothes are thrown all over too.I know where this is going. No... I remember her hands running through my back and pulling the shirt until I was free of it. I did the same to her...  
No this can’t be happening.  
My heart drops to my feet. This wasn’t a dream. It happened. I held her in my arms the whole night. I kissed her soft lips. I felt her body tense under my hands. She left her scent on my sheets. I wasn’t dreaming. I look around. I’m searchng fr her. She is not there. She is not in the bathroom.She must have gone back to her room. Her clothes are not there either. I searched for anything that could be hers.Nothing.I know this is the slightest indication of how she feels about it. How I feel about it. Guilt.  
I throw the covers off. My heart beats like crazy. She was Dean’s. I couldn’t do this to my brother or her. But I did. I feel awful. Guilt is too good for me.My head hurts like hell.  
Hangover. That’s the last thing I care about right now.  
I sit on the bed. I’m completely naked. I remember her naked body under mine. My vision is kind of blurry. I can’t stop thinking of Dean. I can’t stop thinking of her with Dean. I remember him telling me to take care of her. I’m sure as hell that’s not what he meant. Oh God! I raise my head.  
I take a look in the mirror. My hair is a mess. A mess her hands made. A flash of guilt slaps me in the face. Who gives a shit about my hair? I most certainly don’t. My neck has my full attention.  
I have red marks on it. I remember her lips creating them. I remember mine creating those on her skin too.  
I lay back in shock trying to wrap my mind around what happened.  
I remember her happy with Dean. This image never left my mind. In all those months... I ‘ve never seen her happy like that again. She was happy last night too. No, **I** thought she was. I know better than that. I feel guilty as hell. She must feel the same. I know that Dean is dead but sleeping with the woman my brother loved...It makes me feel so guilty. She feels guilty too. I know that. Maybe even more than I do. She feels guilty for Dean but for me as well. I know her. She feels guilty for using me to get over her pain. Cause I know that’s what she was doing. She doesn’t feel this way about me and telling her part of me wanted to be used wouldn’t help. I freeze at the thought. My heart feels heavy. If Dean was here non of that would have happened. The reason all of this happened was because he was not here. She was missing him. I was missing him. I remember her eyes full of tears for my brother. Did I take advantage of that? I don’t remember. I don’t know who started thisand I don’t care. I have every reason to blame myself because I kept going. I feel pain. I feel something close to panic. I want to talk this out but I can’t. I can’t talk to Dean. I can’t apologise to him. He is dead and it makes no sense but I feel like i should do it. And her. I don’t know what to say to her.  
I run my hands through my hair. My heartbeat is slow and heavy now. I shake my head. I find my clothes I get dressed as fast as I can. I need to talk to her. I don’t know what to tell her. I was drunk is a pretty lame excuse.Hey, it’s ok we had sex cause my brother is dead? It’s not ok. And that’s cold. And the exact opposite of how I feel. I want to comfort her but I don’t know how or even if I can. Or worse I want her to comfort me. Maybe I should stay away. Most likely she doesn’t want to see me right now. I know I must give her space and I would probably need some space too but I can’t. I don’t know what’s going to happen but I need to try and explain my actions. She has to hear me out at least. I run to her room. Dean’s room. I ignore the guilt. I have to go in. She will probably be a mess. I must prepare myself for her crying eyes and the possibility of kicking me out of the room. I’ll probably make things worse. But she wasn’t alone in this. I needed to say that. I need to talk to her.  
I open the door. She is not there. Her things are missing. She left.  
I run to all the rooms hoping she is not gone yet. She’s nowhere to be found. No note. Nothing. She left. I’m shocked for a moment. Then I understand. What did I expect? I wanted her to stay. I wanted to look in her beautiful eyes and tell her I’m sorry. Sorry wouldn’t even begin to cut it. She must be a mess. She run from everything including me. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to see me again. This is not a thought I make because I’m hurt. I know she doesn’t want me in her life anymore. She made her choice when she packed her things. When she walked out the door without even leaving a note. Last night was the last time I saw her. She doesn’t want me to go after her. I know that too.I feel horrible. Guilt is taking over me. I hate myself because I want to go after her. I look around. The whole place looks empty. Like something’s missing. That’s how it will be from now on. Maybe I’ll call her later. She doesn’t want me to but I need to know she’s ok. I’m certain she’s not. This will be the last time I hear her voice. I promise to myself. I promise her. But first I need to know she’s fine.  
What have I done? To her. To my brother. To myself.  
I look out the front door. I take a deep breath. I am a mess. There was one last hope inside me but it disappeared when I looked outside.Her car is gone.  
She is gone...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter : You have to deal with your feelings.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have to deal with your feelings.  
> This chapter was inspired by this song:  
> Maroon 5 - Sad
> 
> Sorry for the short delay...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to all of you!  
> Thank you for your support!  
> I love you guys!

At first you thought about driving until you lose the road. But then you realised you needed to talk about it .. You had so many feelings. Feelings that you couldn’t define and feelings you knew all too well. Such as guilt. Your guilt was tearing you apart. You needed to tell smeoone what happened. It’s not that you thought anyone would tell you that what happened, What you did was ok. You just needed to get it out. You were feeling like you’d suffocate. Your thoughts were so confused and so confusing. You had so many things on your mind. so many thoughts. About You , about Dean, about Sam... About your night with Sam. Your thoughts were so many. Your mind was running from one thought to the other in overwhelming speed. In result you were trying to think about everything all the time. It made you want to scream. You couldn’t put all those thoughts in order. Your head hurt from trying. You had to speak. Your mind wanted to get it all out. Your body wanted to get it all out every time you took deep desperate breaths because your thoughts were smothering you. Yes you needed to talk it out but you couldn’t find the words. You couldn’t say what you did. Every time you even tried mentally you were feeling shivering through your spine. Your eyes would get wide open and leak. You heart and your mind couldn’t handle what you did. You were always in danger of another panic attack whenever you tried to form the words in your head. The thought was obsert. You couldn’t even say the words how could you talk about it? Yet that’s what you wanted. And there was only one person who could help.

“ Jody” you mumbled and drove faster.

Yes. She was the one. You met her when your relationship with Dean was in the very beggining. She liked you from the first moment. You remember her saying Dean not to screw this up. And he didn’t. she helped with that. She grew to be something like a mother to you. A mother you could talk about monsters with. Monsters of the world and of your mind. She was there for you just like she was there for Dean and Sam. When you had problems with Dean she was the first person you’d run to. She always had a way to help you figure things out. She helped Dean figure things out too. No matter what the problem was she could always help you see the other side of the coin. You dodn’t remember how many times you ruan to her after having a fight with Dean only for her to remind you how much you loved each other and that you should at least talk. Even when Dean died she tried to help you.she had a talk with you. She told you to move on but you weren’t ready to listen to her or anyone else. Her advice came about three days after Dean’s death. Way too early. Or Way too late. You fell in deep depression. Sam kept her informed for your situation but she was far away and couldn’t visit. She was determined to do so though but Sam discouraged her after the way you spoke to Cas. He didn’t think Jody could help. He thought she would be another reminder of Dean to you that would make things worse. Maybe he was right. She was happy to know you were back to life. You were pretty sure though she wouldn’t be happy about what happened last night. She had lived your relationship with Dean from the beggining to the end. If anyone would understand how terrible what happened with Sam was she would. You were scared to face her. You knew she’d see all the betrayal in your actions and in your eyes. She’d probably think you didn’t deserve to have Dean for even as long as you had him. If she’d say all those things you wouldn’t desagree with her. She would be absolutely right.

You were driving faster than usual. You hated fast driving but now it seemed like salvation. Something to focus on. You decided to take the long way. You tried to pass by as few cities as you could. Every time you were driving in a big city you were feeling exposed. Exposed to the people around. Like they could see your betrayal, your pain, your guilt. You hated this. You hated the fact that they could see the tears in your eyes. They probably couldn’t but you were feeling like they could. It made you feel vulnerable. You didn’t want this. You needed your strength to keep it together. Outside a city the road seemed calmer. You prefered this but still. The silence made your houghts louder. Like voices in your head saying all kinds of things. They made your feelings stronger. Silence made things worse its own way. You tried to listen to music. You listening to the radio. It was horrific. You felt like every song was somehow refering to you and Dean. Or you and Sam. Or just how awful you were. And then you remmembered Dean. In his car. Listening to the same old songs. Staring at the road. Your heart gave you a painful beat. Your vision got somewhat blurry. You grabbed the steering wheel harder. Your knuckles turned white. Your grip even harder to contain all the feelings your memories brought to the surface.

You remembered Dean. All the good times. All the bad times. All the laughs. All the tears. All the smiles. Those rare smiles Dean would give you. The smiles that were on his face because of you. The smiles that were on your lips because of him. The life you had. The life you could have had. The life you dreamed of having with him. The last moments you were with him. The last time you kissed him. The last time you hugged him. The last time you ever saw him. All the times you begged him not to run to danger. All the times he tried to convince you to stay back. All the times you fought. For stupid reasons. For good reasons. Because he couldn’t see you hurt. Because you couldn’t see him in pain. Because you didn’t want to lose him. Because you lost him too many times in the past. Tears run down your eyes. You loved him. You still did. From the moment you first saw him you did. The moment you last saw him you did. Right at this second you did.When you held his lifeless body in your hands. When you looked to his glassy eyes that would never look at you again. When your life was gone. When he wouldn’t wake up no matter how much you cried. When you were holding him in your arms and hoped that at least part of him knew how much your pain was. How much your love was. How much you needed him. How much he took with him. When you kissed him with wet and trembling lips knowing that this was the last time. Knowing that he didn’t feel a thing. When you were holding his face in your hands just to capture his image. To treasure every second with him but it wasn’t him. It was an empty shell and you were half. Someone teared your heart in two and killed the first half. Holding his hand. The one you knew would never hold you again. You put your fingers in his. So cold. So lifeless. He was gone. You held his body against yours in something that felt like a hug. Your eyes so full of tears that your vision was compeletely gone. It was the only way you could express your love to him. The only way you thought you could reach him now. But you knew you couldn’t. You knew he couldn’t feel your tears on his jacket. You knew he couldn’t feel your sobs. You knew he couldn’t feel your hug. Your hands holding him desperately like they were holding him to life. You knew he wasn’t sleeping. Tears floodded your eyes. The memory of the man you so much loved that would never hear again the words that he needed to here. That you would say to him every single day but he could never hear them again.He would never hear you telling him how much you loved him. That he was your whole life. The words you could never hear him say again. The words he said so rarely. How much he loved you. But never again. The happiness he gave you with his words and his actions. The happiness you gave him. The pain he caused you. With his words with his actions. The pain you caused him. The pain you saw in his eyes every time tears were on your face. The guilt if these tears were for him. The pain if tears ran down his eyes. The hole in your heart. The damn hole he left behind. The pain what you did would cause him.

He is gone. Yes. But Sam. What happened with Sam. You were repeating in your head how sorry you were. Apollogy after apollogy to soothe the pain you knew Dean couldn’t feel. To ease the guilt destroying you inside. Apollogies that could never make your tears stop. Being drunk was not an excuse. It could never be. Nothing could soothe you because you kept him here. You lived your life like he was still here. Like he could still hear you. Like he could still see you. Like your actions were affecting him still.You didn’t let him go. Because it was the only way you wouldn’t let go of life. You thought you made it. You thought you were back to life for good. But you didn’t. Not really. The memories that hurt you so much reminded you of that. Somehow tou were feeling that what happened was tearing him apart too. But he wasn’t there. He was in your heart. And he shouldn’t be. Not anymore. He was gone. He had to be gone from inside you too. After all this time you shouldn’t love him this way. Your love shouldn’t be that strong. It shouldn’t bring tears in your eyes. It shouldn’t hurt so damn much. But it did. It so much did. And your guilt. Your guilt could never be mend.

How could you do this to him? How could you do this to yourself? You didn’t have the strength to think about what you did to Sam cause that would just bring you down completely. How did this happen ? How could you allow something like that to happen?

Your thoughts were killing you. You had to concentrate on driving cause your vision was going away and you’d get yourself killed.

You were driving all day. You didn’t stop not even to grab a bite. Most of the time you felt like you wanted to puke. At some point you felt something that resembled hunger but you couldn’t allow eating to yourself. Food would make you feel better and you didn’t deserve to feel better in any way. No... You had to suffer in any way possible... You deserved it... You had to suffer. Your stomach ached not from hunger. From saddness.

In the early afternoon your phone started ringing. You saw Sam’s name on the screen. Your first impulse was to answer but then you remembered everything that happened and you threw your phone to the passenger seat. Of course you felt like answering. He was the only comfort you had for so long. Not this time though. You knew he couldn’t comfort you now. And you most certainly didn’t want to comfort him. You couldn’t. You didn’t have any words for Sam or for you. He called multiple times. Every time you heard the phone ring you wanted to throw up and fresh tears ran down your face. The pain came back every time you heard you phone.And still what made you feel even worse, as if that was possible, you did want to answer the damn phone. Part of you wanted to know how he was feeling. Ok. That was normal. But you didn’t really want to know about his guilt. You were certain about this one. You wanted to know about...the rest. And if he asked about you? What would you say? You didn’t know. You couldn’t define your feelings for him. Your guilt was shadowing everything else. But even assuming that you had feelings for him, made your heart physically ache to contain your guilt. Even the thought made you want to turn the car around and crush on the next tree.

He kept calling. He was probably worried. You haven’t even left a note. He wouldn’t come after you though. He knew how you must be feeling and he must have figured out you ran away... you kept driving. For hours and hours. You opened the window. The air made you feel relaxed. You didn’t want any comfort but the cold wind could hardly be considered comfort. It made your breathing easier though.

You arrived at Jody’s late at night. You had gained some of your self control driving. You weren’t feeling better you just weren’t crying anymore. Your heart was beating very fast as you pressed the doorbell. Your hand was shaking. You knew that it was time to talk... you knew it was time to see your guilt mirrored on Jody’s face...

You heard Jody running down the stairs.

“ Who is this?” she asked behind the door.

“(Y/N)...” You said your voice cracking. Jody opened the door immediately and looked at you smiling.

“ You scared me there, what are you...” she paused looking at the tears that covered your face once again...

“ (Y/N), what’s going on? Is Sam ok?” A sob left your lips at the mentioning of Sam’s name. You could see fear in Jody’s eyes. Yet she understood you weren’t in condition to talk so she pulled you in and made you sit on the couch. You thought you had enough self control to do this but you were wrong. Your body was shaking. She asked you about Sam again. You just looked at her. You didn’t say anything . You lowered your head in an attempt to hideyour tears. Jody understood that whatever happened to Sam couldn’t be solved immediately and that’s why you didn’t seem to be in a hurry. Or what happened had nothing to do with Sam. If that was the case though he’d be with you. She went straight to the kitchen and made you a hot coffee lost in her thoughts. She knew it would be a long night. She returned and tried to hand you the coffee.

“ No, thanks” you said and she placed the coffee on the table in front of you.

You couldn’t even hold it. Even the warmth it would give your hands would be comforting. You didn’t deserve any comfort. You fucked up big time...

She sat on the couch opposite from you.

“ Is Sam ok?” Jody repeated the question. You felt like you’ve been electrocuted at the sound of Sam’s name. You knew what Jody was thinking. Something must have happened to Sam for you to be there without him and being a mess.

“ He is fine” you reassured her with tears in your eyes. She couldn’t understand. If Sam was fine why were you such a mess?

“ Then what’s going on?” She asked concerned.

You weren’t ready to answer. So you tried to buy some time.

“ How are the girls? Where are they?” you said smiling with tears.

Jody figured out what you were doing and she went back straight to the point.

“ They’re fine. What’s going on?” she said.

You opened your mouth and took a deep breath. Memories of last night appeared in front of you again causing your face to take an expression of absolute pain. You closed your eyes to flash out the images but it didn’t work. You shook your head and spat it out in one breath.

“ I slept with Sam” you opened your eyes and looked at Jody. You didn’t know if you were feeling better now that you’ve said it. The guilt was still there. Jody’s expression was confusion at first and then calm.

“ So?” she asked. It was the “ no big deal” so. At first you looked at her shocked and then you understood. She hadn’t understood what you meant. Or she didn’t want to... that scared you even more.

“ No, Jody” you said taking a deep breath. Your body shaking. “ I slept... with Sam...”

You saw Jody’s eyes going wide in absolute shock. She laid back on the couch trying to process the information. Moments went by that seemed like centuries to you. She was just thinking. You were sitting waiting for her response. Your heart beating like a drum. Finally she looked at you.

“ Wow” she said shaking her head. Your heart was about to burst. What would she do? Would she yell at you? Would she tell you how horrible you were? Would she even kick you out of her house? Everything seemed reasonable to you.

“ How did it happen?” she said finally and you were surprised by the lack of disgust in her voice or her expression. You started explaining everything. You were impressed how easily the words were coming out of your mouth. You felt like a huge weight was lifting off your shoulders. You were getting it all out. All your confused thoughts were now expressed. All the feelings you couldn’t define were free. You talked and with every word you felt lighter.Your feelings hadn’t changed though. You felt so...so guilty...

“(Y/N), I’ll tell you one thing and I want you to remember it” Jody began after you were done. You were curious.She was serious but not shocked anymore “ It’s ok”. She said.

You looked at her in disbelief. How could it be ok? No what you did was not ok. From all the things you were expecting that was the last. You felt your heart lighten. Flattering in your chest ,wanting to grasp that “ok” feeling. You desperately wanted it to be ok but how could it ever?

Jody understood and she continued.

“ Dean is gone” you opened your mouth to protest but she continued “ Just hear me out. It’s been more than a year... and what happened, you need to understand it wasn’t cheating.”

Dean is gone... Yes... you thought... But ... But... Your mind couldn’t find a but... He was gone it wasn’t cheating but it certainly felt like it.

“ You still love Dean. I know that. I kow how hard it is for you to move on with your heart. This doesn’t mean you cheated. What happened was not cheating”

Jody was just watching you process things. You weren’t crying anymore. Your mind was thinking in great speed. It wasn’t runnning to random thoughts anymore. It had a direction. It was attacking your guilt. It was as simple as that. It couldn’t be cheating. Anyone could have figured that out. But you needed to hear it. You needed someone to tell you. To make you see. It sounds like a childish observation. One you couldn’t make yourself though.

“ Now” she said “ we’ll talk again later. You need to get some sleep” she kissed your forehead. You saw love and understanding in her eyes. Your eyes got wet again. She didn’t see you as the monster you saw yourself to be. She made you think that maybe you weren’t one after all.

She guided you to the guest room and left you alone...

You sat on the bed but you couldn’t sleep. It was like Jody’s words activated a switch and you couldn’t stop thinking. Dean was gone... For real...For so long... Your mind started flooding again. You tried to put your thoughts together. First... what happened wasn’t cheating... Practically it couldn’t be. Dean was gone. No matter how you felt for him he wasn’t there. You had so many memories together but that’s all they were now . memories. They made you cry. They made you hurt. But they had no hold on you. Dean had no hold on you. You had no hold on him. Months ago if you had a choice you would never leave him and live without him. You were robbed of that choice. And you learned to leave without him. You thought the source of your guilt was that you lived your life like Dean was there. But he wasn’t and deep inside you knew. You had to deal with Dean not being a part of your ordinary life. When you woke up and he wouldn’t kiss you. When he didn’t make your coffee. When the whiskey bottle was full. You could feel his absense. He was a hole in your heart. The love you have for him. That’s causing your guilt. A guilt you had to let go if you wanted to move on. You promised him you’d move on with someone else. You didn’t thought it was possible but you promised. Dean wouldn’t consider that cheating. Why would you? It was not cheating. But it was Sam. Even if having sex with someone was ok , that someone being Sam shouldn’t be, right? You felt a little better understanding and more importantly feeling you weren’t a cheater. Dean made sure of that. You smiled to the fact of how much he loved you. Telling you to move on so when it would finally happen you wouldn’t be troubled with guilt. Or at least that troubled. But moving on with Sam? The fact that it was Sam made you feel guilty but for one Dean seemed far away. Further than ever before. And Sam was just there. All the time.The hole in your heart was still there too, it always was but Dean...Dean wasn’t... Not physically nor mentally. You were doing what he asked you to do. Move on. Be happy. You were pretty sure though that when he said that, he didn’t have his brother in mind. So somehow you weren’t feeling guilty of cheating anymore but you felt guilty for doing whatever you did with Sam. And of course there was the question. What happened with Sam... is it moving on? What exactly happened ?what did you feel? You didn’t know. This whole situation felt like betrayal. You betrayed Dean sleeping with his brother. Why would Jody say it was ok? Maybe she was just talking about the cheating part. She didn’t seem shocked though. You felt guilty for what happened but now that the cheating part was kind of off the table it made room in your mind and heart. Room that was instantly occupied by Sam. Betrayal and guilt mostly but not only that. A part of you was wondering how Sam was feeling. But did you even have the right to wonder? He was Dean’s brother. You still missed Dean. You still loved him , you knew that, but maybe just maybe you were letting go. One part of you said finally and an other thought that letting go was forgetting. Were you forgetting him? Conclusion was you didn’t know how to feel.

You heard a knock on the door and Jody walked in. It was morning. You spend the whole night thinking. You had black circles under your eyes and dry tears on your cheeks. All those thoughts didn’t come without emotional breakdowns. Jody noticed but didn’t comment. She just sat next to you.

You smiled at her. A forced smiled. You were still feeling quite awful.

“ You seem better” she said smiling back.

“ I think I am” you replied. You didn’t cheat. That’s a plus. But you had sex with Sam. The thought came more easily in your mind. were you accepting the fact? It didn’t matter. It was Sam. It was wrong.

“ So, how are you feeling?” she asked and you started explaining all your thoughts to her. She seemed to understand completely which was a relief on its own. Her eyes were gentle. She wasn’t punishing you like you were trying to punish yourself. She was just listening. Your eyes full of tears everytime you said that what you did with Sam was betrayal. Even more tears when you said you missed Dean.

“ And so...I don’t know how I should be feeling” you concluded. You took a deep breath and sniffed.

She smiled at you and stroked your hand.

“ It’s not bad to have feelings for Sam” she started making you shed tears of relief. Your mind found the logic in her words but your heart was protesting. “ Dean left a hole in both of you... It’s ok to find comfort in each other. I know you feel like you betrayed him... like you both betrayed him but did you?...” _didn’t we_? You thought.

“ Dean loved you both unconditionaly. The only think he ever wanted was to see you both happy. If he found out you could make each other happy do you really think he’d see it as betrayal?”

“ It would hurt him” you said in tears. You couldn’t stand the thought of hurting Dean. Yes, he’d want you to be happy. That’s all he ever wanted but it would hurt him.

“ If he was alive... If he was here... If he could hold you in his arms and you chose Sam instead... if he was here... And he is not...” he is not. Indeed. Would he want that? His brother to take his place? His brother to keep you safe when he’s gone? He’s brother to make you hapy when he couldn’t? The answere is yes. Tears run down your eyes at the realisation. He loved you both so much. You knew that. You’ve seen that. You’ve felt that. He wanted you to be happy so much. If he knew you could make each other happy now that he’s gone he wouldn’t be hurt. You knew. You knew he would hold you in his arms kiss your forehead and tell you to go on. Whatever that meant. You closed your eyes and two thick teardrops crossed your cheeks. Relief, love and pain. That’s how you felt. Relief because the love he had for you was so great to let you move on. To want you to move on. To want you to have a life even without him. Love because the love you still feel for him is so stong. Pain because you didn’t know if you could do it. If you could really move on. “(Y/N), you deserve to be happy and so does Sam...” Jody concluded.

You looked down, trying to understand your feelings. Jody was right. You still felt guilty though. Guilt seems to be a reflex. If you chose to give Sam a chance would this guilt ever go away?

“ I still feel guilty” you said. Desperation in your voice.

“ When my husband...well...died. I felt the same way. it’s just the way it is until you allow yourself to let it go.” She said.

You thought for a second. Maybe you could do this. But you still loved Dean. Very very much.

“ Loving Dean doesn’t mean you can’t love Sam” Jody continued “And loving Sam doesn’t mean you’re forgetting Dean... The way you love each of them is different. Sam will never be Dean... As you will never be Jess... But your heart has enough space for both of them...That’s how it is... You will find yourself grieving for Dean and the next moment smiling with Sam... It feels complicated... I know... But It’s normal... Our heart is bigger than we think. **Moving on doesn’t mean you’re forgetting, it means you allow yourself to be happy...”** she said and kissed your forehead.

You felt like every word she spoke was relieving you even more. Maybe you could love them both. You felt like you were already doing it. Maybe loving Sam wasn’t bad... Maybe Dean would want this... To take care of each other... As time went by you were feeling less guilty... You smiled for the first time in two days... Genuine smile that is.

“ So, what do I do now?” you asked Jody.

“ You give yourself time... you allow yourself to let go of the guilt and...”she smiled while stroking your hand “ you figure out how do you really feel about Sam” she was right. You didn’t know. Your mind was a mess.

How did you feel about Sam... ?

How was he feeling about you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: Sam's point of view...


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam's point of view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by this song:  
> Until June - Sleepless

**Sam’s point of view**

I called too many times. She didn’t answer once. I never really thought she would but I am worried. I know she is a mess. What if something happened?

No. I would know. She still has my number on her emergency contact list. Or not... well, she most certainly has Cas’s and he’d call me. So I have to assume she is ok. Physically. Emotionally I’m pretty sure she’s not.

Neither am I.

What happened should have never happened. I would do nothing. I have enough self control not to hit on the woman my dead brother loved. Or at least I thought I had. I’m not a guy that hits on everything that moves. I know she knew that but after what happened I think she reconsidered. I have feelings for her. I don’t know how it happened and I most certainly don’t like it.I can’t define the moment it all started. I just remember my heart beating faster whenever she was around. I cought myself just staring at her. Thinking she was beautiful. Unless she looked at me I couldn’t take my eyes of her. It feels so good and so bad at the same time. I feel so many things for her and because of her and one of them , maybe the strongest is guilt. But it wasn’t my choice to feel this way about her. I didn’t choose for the electricity that hits me when she looks at me. Actually when she looked at me. She is gone.

I miss her. I sit in the library but it’s just empty. Like it never was before. Dean left a hole inside me when he died that made the place look empty too. A hole that I tried to fill with her. As a friend. But we came close. Too close. I couldn’t control my feelings. But I’m sure as hell I could have kept it to myself. I never intended to show her. She didn’t have to know. This would be my secret. That was my plan. I don’t think she understood anything. At least before what happened. What I would never do. I didn’t have to have sex with her. Yes, I wanted it. I still do. But I know it is wrong. Because she was Dean’s. And that stops her from ever being mine. And of course I would never make her feel bad by telling her how I feel. I know she would feel like she somehow provoked my feelings. But she didn’t in any way. I didn’t want her to feel guilty. After what happened I think feeling guilty is inevitable for both of us, though.

Us. I said us again.

Us. There is no us. I have to stop talking like we are one. Like we’re a team. We’re not. Not anymore. And we will never be the other thing that’s hidding behind _us_. Together. My mind protests. It screams with memories of that night. It screams that at least that night. For those amazing moments we were one. The word to use has to be _us._ I’m doing it again. I try subconsiounly to convince me that I wasn’t alone that night. That she was feeling something for me too. I guess no matter how many times I try to tell this to myself I will never stop jumping to that feeling. The feeling that **we** had something. I chuckle to myself. I don’t really believe it. I know she doesn’t have feelings for me. What’s going on here is that I need to believe it. I need to believe she felt something for me. Or maybe want to believe would be more accurate. That’s not what happened, though. She was just vulnerable that night and I was an easy way to relief her pain. I know. I don’t blame her for that. I blame myself for not stopping. She didn’t feel anything for me. What I think happened is that she felt something from me. She didn’t know I have feelings for her.

After what happened I guess she knows. Or maybe she doesn’t? Maybe she thinks I was just drunk like she was. Maybe that excuse would be my ticket to bring her back here. To pretend that nothing happened. Be back to being good friends. That would ease things. Or not? I don’t feel right to pretend that what happened was something less to me than it actually was. Would she feel better if I did pretend ? It doesn’t matter. She made her choice and I won’t intervene with that. She decided to leave. That means she doesn’t want to talk. She doesn’t want any comfort from me. She probably knows how I feel and any excuse from my side would be like a bad joke. I’m sure she doesn’t want me to go after her.And I don’t want to make things worse. Not for her, or me...

I know she feels awful and so do I. I feel like I betrayed my brother. He loved her. He really did. And I was happy for them. I lived their relationship from the beggining to the end. I was the one who urged Dean to give their relationship an actual chance. I was there for her when he died because I knew her pain. Because I felt the same. With Jess. I wasn’t feeling this way for her back then. It all started after Dean died. That’s why I kind of feel that this is all my fault. After Dean’s death she tried to find comfort in me . and I tried to find comfort in her. If I had just kept my distance maybe I would have never fallen in love with her. Cause that’s what’s going on. There is no point in denying it. I am in love with her. I’ve been for some time.

And this feels like yet another way I failed my brother. I betrayed him again. Like I did so many times in the past. Where should I begin? Drinking demon blood? Not looking for him when he was in purgatory? Trying to save him behind his back? I don’t regret this one but It was still a betrayal. And now. With her. I feel like I’ve reached a new low in my betrayals of my brother. I had sex with the woman he loved. That’s just a dick move. I love my brother. I always will. I owe him my life and even more. I hate myself for what I’ve done. Yes he is dead and if I think about this logically I didn’t do anything wrong. But I did. I remmember him. When he realised that he loved her way too much. When he realised that at some point he’d have to leave her behind because of the life.

“ Take care of her, Sammy”

That’s what he said. And I said that I would. As a good friend would.What happened was not friendly. What I did was wrong. If I could take it back I would. But It’s done. I betrayed my brother. I betrayed his trust. I betrayed her trust. And now I’m completely alone. Before all this I used to think _if Dean was here he’d say this..._ or _(Y/N) would most certainly say that..._ Now I don’t have this. I don’t want to think what Dean would say cause guilt will tear me apart. And I don’t want to think about her in any way because she adds pain to my guilt. The kind of pain you feel when you’re in love. I could call Cas but I don’t want to. I don’t want to tell him what happened. He won’t understand and I ‘m in no mood to explain. I actually prefer to be alone right now. It doesn’t make me feel better but at least I don’t have to see the reaction Cas would have to the news or pain in ( Y/N)’s eyes...

It’s late at night. I spent the whole day calling her. After the last call I gave up. Knowing she wouldn’t answer I just tried to keep my mind busy. Something to do to stop thinking how awful she must feel. I started searching for cases. I don’t know how much time I’m searching. I won’t give up easily.

I need to get out of here. My thoughts drive me crazy. I need to have something to do. In other words I need a distraction. I need to stop thinking about her or my brother and the way I failed them both. I need to stop thinking in general. Research helps.To this moment I found no case, though. It’s late at night now. Normally I’d get some sleep at this hour.

I thought about going to bed. I didn’t want to. The sheets had still her scent on them. I could change them but all the memories would come back to me just being in the room. How much can I miss her? A lot. More than I thought I would. At the early morning hours I decided to take a nap on the couch.

I lied down. My eyes hurt. My thoughts run back to her. I see her happy with my brother just before I fall asleep. She is smiling. I can’t believe how different my feelings for her were at the time this particular memory was created. I feel a flash of guilt but it’s not enough to stop me from missing her. I can’t stop thinking how I betrayed Dean again. Even if he can’t be hurt from what happened I still feel guilty. I fall asleep. Deep sleep.

Then the image changed.

_I have her in my arms. I can feel her breaths on my chest. The way her naked body moves with every breath she takes. I stroke her hair. She is so small in comparison to me. I wrap my arms around her to make her feel protected. She sighs. I feel my whole body going numb at the sound of her breath. I think she is asleep but she is not. She is instantly on top of me. Kissing me. I can feel her blood boiling in her lips. In the way her hips move. The sweat on her back. Her gasps. Her eyes shut in pleasure. I hear her moans in my ears.I grab her waist tight. She looks at me. She is smiling. I’m on top of her. It’s my moans I hear now. It’s my hips that move.It’s my blood boiling. I feel completely numb and completely alive at the same time. But it’s her breath in my ear. She sighs in pleasure. I hold her firmly bringing her closer to me with one sudden move. She ends with my name on her lips. And then she wispers in my ear... “ I love you too”.... She means both. She can’t love me too. Can she? She wakes up in my arms. She gets dressed. I ask her not to leave. She laughs and lies on the bed with me. She is smiling. I’m certain she’ll say she won’t. I’m certain she’ll say she’ll never leave me. I expect it. But her smile is lost. Tears in her eyes. “ I have to”..._

I wake up covered in sweat. I slept for about an hour. In my dream I lost track of time and space. I look around realising I’m on the couch. She is not here. My heart drops slightly at the realisation that I was just dreaming. This time. I was just dreaming. I can feel my heart sink at the guilt that I feel at the content of my dream. And still I feel desperate to go back to this dream. My mind tries to supress the part where she leaves. I just want to keep the rest.

My heart beats very fast. I have the reaction I would have to a nightmare. This was not a nightmare. It was a beautiful dream. But it was a forbidden dream. I shouldn’t have those. I wish I didn’t. Idon’t think I can do anything for it though. I guess I’m gonna suffer from those for a while.

It’s the aftermath of missing her...

I get up and check the clock on my hand. It’s still very early. My eyes feel very tired. My vision is partly blurry. My heart still beating faster than it should. I still have flashbacks of my dream. I try to focus on something else. Like the fact that I’m feeling very tired. Lack of sleep. I try not to think why I couldn’t sleep and I go on. I get up. My body feels sore. I move to the kitchen. I make some coffee. I take the cup in my hands and sit on the table. I look around. It’s so quiet. Every morning was quiet here but only for a couple of hours. When she woke up she used to get in the kitchen in her pijamas. Her hair was always a mess. She used to comment on mine angrily. How the hell did it look so good after sleeping? I remember her voice when she laughs. I have a smile on my lips. I shouldn’t. I smile to the joke she is not here to make. I smile to the brief moment I felt she was here. I shake my head to avoid the pain that I knew would hit my chest. I fail. I take my cup of coffee to the library. It reminds me of her too. Always reading her books. A real bookworm. And then us. The most recent memories. Drinking together. The image dances in front of me and I shake my head to stop it.

I sit in front of my laptop. I look at the screen. I was waiting for something to pop up in the middle of the night. An e-mail most likely. From her ? No. The thought crossed my mind but I really don’t believe this would ever happen. I was expecting something about a case. An other hunter maybe, asking me to take on a case. Nothing happened. I take a ship of my coffee.

I start searching again. There has to be a case. It doesn’t have to be an actual case. Something to check out. Something to keep me busy. Something to keep my thoughts away from my guilt. Something to stop me from missing her.

There is no point in missing her. She is not coming back. I need to go on without her. It’s more than hard. She was my routine for way too long. Everywhere I turn I see her. Sometimes I think I hear her voice. I think she will open the door and say something silly to cheer me up. My guilt doesn’t help. My mind makes scenarios of how my brother would react if he knew. He is gone but still. I feel awful. Like somehow I hurt him. Again. And of course my mind make scenarios about her. More like wondering. Where is she? How’s she doing? Where does she drink her coffee today? Does she even want coffee? Is she still a mess about _the night_? Is she better? Does she miss me too? That’s the only question I have an answer to. She doesn’t. That’s why she left. She doesn’t want anything to do with me after what happened. She can’t possibly miss me. These thoughts are not me being pathetic. They are me being realistic. I’m probably the last person she’d like to see now. I shake my head again. I focus on research once more. I find a bunch of deaths on the news today and some wierd accidents. Nothing seems like a case. This sucks. There’s never a case when I need one.

I’ve searched everywhere. Every site. Every possible case. Anything worth checking.I begin to feel bored and when I feel bored my mind runs back to her. I get up. I take a look around. There’s nothing I can do to pass the time. Nothing I’m interested in. Everything I’m interested in today has something to do with her. I shake my head. I don’t fight it anymore. I do something that has something to do with her.

I return to the kitchen. I wash my cup and then walk straight to my room. My door is closed like I left it. I look at it with my hand on the handle. I know what’s coming when I open it. I take a deep breath and I do it. I take a look around first. Then I go in. Covers thrown all over. That’s the only thing to indicate something happened. That and her perfume. The scent is vague. I can barely smell it. It still brings back memories though. Memories of my hand on her hips and my lips on her neck breathing her scent. I shake my head again. I move to the bed and change the sheets. After I’m done my bed looks normal again. My room looks normal. Exactly the way itwas before .I don’t feel the same way, though.

I step out of the room and close the door. I look down the hallway. I don’t dare to go to her room. I feel like that room has something heavy inside. Painful memories. Painful reminders. First and foremost it’s the room she shared with Dean. She never forgot that. Neither can I. My guilt will never let me forget it. I remember them retreat in this room. I remmeber her crying in this room. I remember us fighting in this room. I think about it for a while. What’s done is done. There is no way to change what happened and at some point I’ll have to face what that room has to give me. Guilt, pain... I might as well do it now. Get on with it.

I move to the door. I hesitate for a second but I’m determined to open the door and I do. Everything is in order. Her scent is here too but the covers look just fine. Everything looks just fine. The nightstand. Dean’s stuff. She didn’t change a thing. The furniture. Everything except her stuff. She didn’t take everything, she just took enough to leave. There are still some clothes in the wardrobe. I look again. There are also some of Dean’s stuff missing too. Things she loved. Like his gun and some photos. I think about it for a second. If her things are still here does this mean she will come back? No. She got what was necessary to her. If she needs anything more she will probably send Cas to take it.

I’m about to leave the room when I notice something under the bed. It looks like a piece of paper. I move close and kneel to lift it from the floor. It’s a photo. A very rare one. My heart skips a beat. I sit on the bed to look at it closely. It’s a photo of her and Dean and they are both laughing. It’s at least a couple of years back. They are sitting on the hood of the impala talking and smiling. I think Cas took this photo when he experimented with the camera on his phone. I rmember ( Y/N) asked him to give it to her so she could print it. She wouldn’t leave something like that behind. She most likely dropped it. I can’t take my eyes of it. They both look so happy. I miss them both. It feels wierd. Somehow I don’t feel ashamed looking at this photo. I know I should but I don’t. I can’t explain it. I think of her the way I do but I don’t feel guilty looking at her with Dean. I wonder if I could make her happy? Would my brother ever want this? Now that he’s gone ? He loved her very much. I close my eyes to shut out the question. It doesn’t matter. She is gone. I keep repeating this to myself like it will make things easier but it doesn’t. I look at Dean. It was one of the rare occasions I saw him happy. My guilt is here but he seems far away. Like this photo was taken in another life. I miss him but I learned to live without him. I feel like he is gone for way too long. Enough so my pain of missing him being somewhat numb. It has something sweet in it. Something nostalgic. And then I remember what I did. I feel the different kind of pain guilt offers. I turn the photo to look at the back. There is something hand written.

_“ I love you...”_

_“_ Me too”

It’s her handwritting and Dean’s. An incription of their love. My heart drops. When I read this I’m hit by all shorts of feelings..Guilt for my brother because of the feelings I have for the woman he loved. Love for both of them. Pain because Dean is gone. Pain because she is gone too. Jealous because of what my brother had and I never will. Guilty again for even wanting it.

I get up and leave the photo on the nightstand. I get out of the room. My body moves on its own. I feel spent. Emotionally drained. Like whatever it is I did today overwhelmed me. I needed to relax to get all of the guilt and the pain out of me. There is nothing I can do except going for a walk. Maybe that’s what I should do. I get my jacket and I’m at the door to leave when I notice my computer still on. I move close to switch it off before I go. I left a window open on the news. I am about to hit the button to close it when I notice a new story.

“ Woman found dead because of wierd hallunications...”

I think about it. It could be a case. I click on the link. Basically a woman named Vera Smith was found dead. She was smothered but there is no evidence of being strangled. Sounds like witchcraft. There is also this thing. She mentioned to her friend ,Anna Quil, that she had vivions of her dead husband trying to kill her. Ghost maybe. 80% this is a case. I go straight to my room I pack and I’m at the door in no time. I’m not going for a walk today.

Finally I’m working on a case.

The case is at Lincoln, Nebraska. About a three hour drive. Since I started quite early I should be there by lunch time. I took my car like I used to do with her. I couldn’t drive the impala. It feels like betrayal too. After what I did I feel like I don’t have the right to drive “ Baby”. Driving in my own car doesn’t make me feel much better. The passenger seat is empty. I’m not used to that. I’m actually used to the exact opposite.I am used to her laughing and joking while we drive. She hates long drives because she has nothing to do. But she is so creative. She always finds a way to make the time go faster and as a result she makes the drive funnier for me too. Or rather made. Now my car seems...dim. Like something’s missing. Empty like the kitchen or the library. I try to focus on something else. I listened to music all the way to Nebraska. It made me feel better but still... My mind was always on her. At some point I even thought she might be there. Nebraska. It’s close enough. Maybe that’s where she stayed last night. I think about it again. I laugh at myself. I’m starting to think irrationally. What are the odds? I’m loosing my mind. The sooner I focus on the case the better...

I got there pretty fast. I was at Lincoln before lunch time. I found a motel and booked a room. Crappy motel as usual. Small bed mold on the walls. I see her in my mind laughing saying it’s not so bad. But it is. And she is not here. Neither her positive attitude.Crappy motels never bothered me before but somehow her absence makes things worse. Once I get settled I think about grabbing a bite. I’m not hungry. I decide to work on the case immediately. I get in my FBI suit and I find my FBI badge. I take the car and drive it to the police station.

I get the basics from the sheriff. Vera Smith’s husband died about three years ago. She mentioned to her friend Anna that she had visions of him trying to kill her almost right after his death. I decided to have a talk with Anna. Sheriff gives me the address and I start driving. I think about the facts I have. If the visions started a little while after the man’s, Frank’s, death then maybe it’s not a ghost. It depends how much time it took the spirit of her husband to not only make contact but try and kill his wife too. Still I can’t rule it out, yet.

I decide to make a stop at Vera’s house first. I check for anything unusual. Everything seems normal. In terms of the case of course. I hit no EMF. Still i’m not convinced this is not a ghost. I return to my car and drive to Anna’s house.

I’m at Ms Quil’s home. I press the doorbell and I introduce myself properly.

“ Come in, Agent” she says and shows me the way to her living room. She is a short woman ( generally speaking. She is not short just for me...) but seems very nice. I sit on the couch and she sits on a chair opposite of me. I start with the usual questions about her relationship with Vera Smith. Then I get to my stuff. Turns out Vera’s husband was back less than a month after his death blaming his wife of cheating and trying to kill her with a kitchen knife and that’s just the first incident. I ask about cold spots and lights flickering. According to Anna, Vera mentioned nothing of the short. I notice her flinch. I can tell she is hidding something. I ask her if there is something more she’d like to tell me. She seems like a very kind woman. I’m pretty sure I won’t have to crack her. She’ll tell me everything on her own. She doesn’t answer for a while. I notice her hands moving nervously playing with her shirt. Then she looks at me and:

“ Agent, Promise me that you won’t involve my son in this” she sounds pretty scared. The sheriff mentioned she had a son named Mark but he wasn’t involved in the case at all. Or so he thought.

“ Is your son involved in... this whole think?” I ask.

She looks at me and then she answers my question.

“ All, those stuff i told you , Agent, Vera told me nothing. She told Mark and he told me. I don’t know why Vera wouldn’t tell me and Mark won’t tell me but everything I know came from him. He told me all he knows when Vera was found dead. Maybe you should talk to him”

“ I’d love too, thanks” I tell her and she leads me to her son’s room. I get in. From my first moments with him I realise that Mark is a teenage spoiled bratt. I don’t like him one bit but I thought he might know something else. I was wrong. He told me exactly what his mother did. He did explainthat he was very close to Vera cause she was like his second mother but nothing more interesting. I felt like this was a waste of my time. ( Y/N) had a way with teens. I wish she was here. I supress the thought. I was about to leave when he finally said something interesting.

“ She didn’t want me to tell mom because she didn’t want Cara to know and well.... Mom talks a lot”

“ Cara who?” I ask him

“ Cara White. She works at the local bar,“ The snake”.She was pretty close to Ms Smith... Someone would think she’d know everything.”

“ All, right, thanks” I tell him and leave the house. I need to talk to this Cara. Maybe Vera didn’t want her to know because she suspected she had to do something with her visions. I found no hex bag in Vera’s house but I have a hunch. Cara could have easily removed it sfterwards. I have a feeling I’m dealing with a witch and they were always ( Y/N)’s specialty. That brings her in my mind once more. I’m starting to lose myself in my thoughts again while I’m driving. I can’t allow this to happen. I’m on the job and I have to focus.

I drive to Cara’s house. I ring the bell about a dozen times before she answers. She is a blonde woman. Tall enough. Big grey eyes. Dressed in a slutty black dress. Her eyes give me a wicked look. I ask the usual questions. She didn’t really give me any answer. Nothing I didn’t already know but I think I found my witch. I noticed a hex bag under her couch. At first I thought she was a target but her actions convinced me I was wrong. She got me looking at it. She ended the conversation immediately. She rushed me out of the house and closed the door behind. Obviously she was aware of it. Ithink she is the witch. A very clumpsy one too. She probably dropped it. Her shift starts at 20:00. I’ll break in then and see if she is the witch I’m looking for. I return to the motel. I check my phone. Somewhere inside I hoped to find a text from her but I knew that could never happen. Instead I had a text from Cas. He was asking where am I. He didn’t find me home. I text him my location and the basics of the case. I don’t forget to tell him that he doesn’t have to come here. I can handle the case on my own. Of course the real reason is that I still don’t want to talk to him. He’ll understand that something is wrong and I’ m not ready to tell him what it is. I lay on the bed for a while. The silence feels good right now. Maybe because at this point she’d take a nap. That’s what she always does before hunting a monster. So the silence feels natural. Still her breathing is missing. The thoughts I make make me hate myself. I try to supress them again. I’ve set an alarm on my phone so that I will return to Cara’s house to make sure she is the one I’m looking for. I begin to drift off when my phone rings.

I take it in my hands and look at the name. Jody. Why would Jody call? Obvious reason: she found a case and she needs my help. What I hope: she knows something I don’t. About ( Y/N). Again I force myself to think logically. ( Y/N) is probaly somewhere alone. And if she is alone that’s my fault too and I hate it. I answer the phone.

“ Hey Jody, What’s up?” I ask in a hurry. Anyone could tell I was not in a mood to talk. I wanted to know what she wanted so that I can hung up fast. She always had a way to know when I’m not well and I don’t need this right now. I want to keep what happened to myself.

“ Wow, You sound better than I thought” she comments. I sit up on the bed in an instant. My heart beating fast. Why would she say that? Does she know something? There is only one way she could have known. Has she called Jody? No. I’m wrong. I relax. Jody is probably talking in general. With the life I lead I should probably sound a lot worse. She is just messing with me. I’m not in the mood though and I want to hung up.

“ Jody...” I begin but she interrupts me before I can say another word.

“ She is here” She says. I can’t control myself. My heart skips a bit and then it continues beating faster than ever before. I can hear it in my whole body. I think about what she said. I sigh in relief. That means she is safe. She is with Jody. For that moment it doesn’t matter what Jody knows. ( Y/N) is safe. I hadn’t realised that I was so worried. I am about to ask what I need to know. I open my mouth to speak but she inerupts me again. “ Before you say anything. I tell you that she told me everything” I feel embarrashed and ashamed. Jody knows how wrong what I did was. I feel my guilt crawling in my chest. But Jody’s voice is not critical. I think her tone is understanding. I’m probably wrong but I continue to ask the question I so much want.

“ Is she all right?” I ask. My voice is calm but my heart is beating very fast waiting for the answer. It’s not like I don’t know but I’m hoping for something better than what I’ve imagined.

“ Define all right. Physically she is perfect. Emotionaly...she is a mess” she says. I didn’t expect a different answer. I feel like I am to blame for this. I remember her eyes in tears in my dream. Tears that partly I’m responsible for. I swallow hard. I’m in pain because she is in pain. I wish I could do anything to make things better. “ I think she’ll be better in time.” Jody continues. I wanted to say so many things but all I managed was a simple word.

“ Good”

“ Good? That’s all you have to say?” Jody says. I can tell she is angry with me now. I don’t blame her but I’m angry too.

“ What do you want me to say, Jody? I don’t know what to do or what to say...” I say to her. Anger and desperation visible in my voice. I’m frustrated. I want to help I really do but I don’t know how and it’s tearing me apart. I hate myself for what happened. I’m angry that I didn’t stop it. I’m angry for betraying my brother. I’m angry beacuse I’m in pain. Her pain tears me apart. The fact that she is in pain for something I enjoyed makes me feel even worse. I’m angry because I deserve this pain. I feel horrible. I’m ready for a fight. I’m ready to scream and get everything out. I’m ready to yell but...

“ You’re right. I’m sorry” Jody says. I didn’t expect that. I expected something like “ You’re an asshole” but no. Jody was apologising. “ I know you, Sam. I know she’s not the only one who’s a mess.” I can’t answer her. All I did was taking a deep breath trying to contain the tears rising in my eyes. My anger replaced by sadness. For the first time I felt all my feelings hit me all at once. Everything I’ve been feeling since the moment I woke up naked in an empty bed comes to the surface. I try to control my emotions but I’m not doing a very good job. Jody figured it out.

“ How are you Sam?” she asked. Her voice was gentle. Understanding. I feel desperate to get it all out. She is a person I trust completely. She is not the one I’d rather be talking to but... If I couldn’t talk to ( Y/N) I could at least talk to Jody. I chuckle in pain. My voice was trembling. Tears dangerously hanging from my eyes. I begin to explain. I start with my version of the strory. I don’t begin in that night. I begin the first time I realised I’m falling in love. Or rather the times cause I can’t quite define the moment. I tell her about the guilt I feel for betraying my brother. Again. What an awful brother I am. That I feel guilty for the pain this would cause to Dean. How awful I feel for hurting my brother even if I didn’t really hurt him.I tell her that I’m in love with ( Y/N). I tell her how much I’m scared that I hurt her. How awful I felt when I woke up and I couldn’t find her. How worried I was that something happened to her because I assumed correctly she was in very bad shape when she left. How much I miss her. How much I hate myself for missing her. She listened to everything patiently. Waiting for me to finish. When I did she talked and I was surprised to hear her voice steady and calm. Nothing shocked her. Maybe because she already knew. But still nothing indicating she believed I was an awful person and a horrible brother.

“ I understand.” She said. “ Now, **you** have to understand that you did nothing wrong” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I won’t to but I can’t.

“ Jody, I just told you I’m in love with the woman my brother loved. How can you say I did nothing wrong?” I say shocked.

“ Because you didn’t. Dean is gone Sam. He is gone for too long and you were too close to her. What happened is very normal. What you feel is normal. So for one. Stop feeling guilty”

“ Easier said than done” I comment. I’m not convinced but still someone saying it’s ok makes me feel better. Jody also makes me trust the rational part of me that says that it’s ok. My emotions protest.

“ Trust me here. **You shouldn’t be feeling guilty for loving anyone**. It’s not easy, I know. But think about Dean for a while. He loved you so much. He gave his life for you countless times, really. Do you really think he wouldn’t want you to be happy?” she says.

“ with his girl?” I ask like what she suggested was the most crazy thing in the world. Yes. Dean wanted me to be happy but this sounds obsert.

“ Why not if you could make each other happy?” Jody said. I’m pretty sure she didn’t realise what she just said. She didn’t mean to say it. My heart skips a beat. What did that mean? Did (Y/N) tell her something? Is there any chance in this damn world she could be feeling something of the short for me? My heart beats very fast.

“ Jody” I begin but she interupts.

“ Don’t get me wrong here. I’m just saying that if that was the case Dean would be happy for you.” _“ If that was the case...”_ of course. She didn’t tell Jody anything. She was just trying to make me feel better. My heart sinks. For a moment an amazing moment I felt like... I don’t want to say it. It wasn’t real. It never will be.

“ Right” I say and I hope the disappointment is not too visible in my voice.

“ Sam, you shouldn’t blame yourself. Dean is gone and he most certainly can’t be hurt by what happened. I know you feel a lot of things right now but guilt shouldn’t be one of them”

“ I don’t know Jody. I can’t think about it right now.” I’m telling the truth. My emotions overwhelm me at this point. I can’t think straight.

“ Ok , I get it” it sounds like she’s backing off.

“ Before you hung up. Just tell me. Is she... fine?” I ask. I know the answer. And then I don’t know how but I lose control and I ask something I shouldn’t ask. I was hoping with my heart about to burst for the exact opposite answer. “ Should I call her?” is my question.

“ I think it’s best if you don’t. At least for now...” Is the answer I knew I would take but hoped not to. I feel disappointed once again. I don’t answer. What did I expect? I repeat to myself once again: _she is gone. She is never coming back. I’ll never hear her voice again. I’ll never see her eyes again. It’s over._ I need to start thinking rationally again. I got carried away and I started hoping for things that will never happen. I land my feet on the ground easier than I thought. The brief moment I thought she might want to talk to me is gone.

“ Don’t worry about her. She ‘ll be fine... Think about what I said” Jody concluded and she hung up.

I don’t know how I feel now. I still hold the phone in my hand. I just got a phone call that changed a lot and nothing. I have to reconsider my guilt according to Jody. But I still won’t see her again. My mind is a mess. I don’t think I have the time to short things out now. I check the clock. It’s almost eight. Even if I wanted to deal with the mess right now I can’t. I have to take care of a case.

I get out of the motel. My mind is so full of thoughts. There is a cold breeze when I get out. I don’t know why but it makes me feel better. I check my equipment. I’m ready for this hunt. I step in my car and start driving. Again she pops in my mind out of nowhere. Probably because her favorite song is on the radio. I know I shouldn’t listen to it but I just can’t stop. Next to all the feelings though there is another one. Relief. I know she is ok. She is with Jody. She is safe. I smile to the thought. I might never see her again. I’m still trying to make me see this as a certainty and it’s not that hard... I may never see her again but at least I know she is safe. Maybe now I can let her go. Or not? I don’t know. My mind is a mess and I’m on a hunt. I can’t afford distractions.

I arrive at Cara’s house. It’s obvious she is already gone. I step out of the car. I take my gun and my tools to unlock her door. I get to the front door. I check if there’s anyone coming. The road is empty. I turn to the door and get to work. The lock was pretty easy to pick. I was in the house in less than a minute. I step in the big hall. I look around with my gun ready to shoot anything that moves. If only ( Y/N) was here. She always had my back. Especially when it had to do with witches. My heart flatters. I repeat to myself _no distractions..._ The hall seems empty. I’m about to move to the kitchen in front of me when...

< BOOM>

I feel a sharp pain at the back of my head. I close my eyes at the pain. My ears are buzzing. Someone hit me in the head. I open my eyes but everything is spinning. I’m out of balance and I fall on the ground. I hear someone wispering something. Suddenly I can’t move. A spell is holding me down. I’m desperate to see who’s behind me but whoever it is is not in front of me for a reason. I try to move. I can’t. I can’t move a single muscle. I’m under a very powerful spell. I panic. Noone has my back this time. I desperately search for a way out of this. I can’t move. It means I can do nothing. I try to reach my phone but my hand can’t move at all.

“ Don’t try. It’s useless” Cara steps in front of me from behind. She has a sinister grin on her face. I desperately try to move. She kneels in front of me. A wicked look on her eyes that makes my blood freeze.

“ No, no, no,no stop trying...” she says like she’s talking to a baby tipping my nose. I don’t listen to her. I ‘m still trying to break the spell. Nothing.

She smiles at me. She reaches to her pocket. My heart is beating very fast. I feel my panic rising and cold sweat on my forehead. I still can’t move. She has a hex bag on her hand.

“ You see that?” She askes showing me the hex bag. I panic even more. Noone can save me now. I’m scrwed. I try to look around for something. Anything. Anything that can help but I can’t. she reaches for my pocket. There is nothing I can do. She places the hex bag in it.

“ Sweet dreams, Sam Winchester” she says laughing in my face. Her wicked eyes lighting with enjoyment.

I immediately feel like I’m sinking in darkness. All I can see is her face while she laughs. I try to call for anyone. But I can’t. I think of ( Y/N) for a second. A brief second she just crosses my mind to make the process of dying easier. Isn’t that what’s happening? I see Cara’s wicked eyes staring straight into mine. That’s the last thing I see before the darkness consumes me completely...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: You'll see...


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by this song:  
> Maroon 5 - Better that we break

**Your point of view**

Once you finished your talk with Jody you were feeling drained. You didn’t have any more energy to think about your feelings. You just needed a moment, just a moment to relax. A little bit of time to clear your mind. a little bit of time when everything would seize to trouble you.Jody left you alone thinking you’d need some more time to think but you didn’t want to. You couldn’t handle any more thinking. You just wanted to give yourself a break.

You were lying on the bed. Staring at the cieling. You were feeling extremely tired but also you couldn’t sleep. Yes, you wanted a break but your mind is not a machine to switch it off. All the thoughts you had were running in your mind again and again. Making you toss and turn. How could you sleep like that no matter how much you tried? You didn’t try much, though. You gave up quite easily. You got up and went down the stairs to find Jody. She was cooking.

“ That smells, amazing” you said entering the kitchen.

“ Thanks. Meet loaf.” She said showing you the oven. “ Will you eat today?” she was smiling but you knew she was worried about you. You hadn’t eaten at all since you got there the previous night. Your mind jumped to Sam. Has he eaten? You shook your head to get him out of there. You went to find Jody so that you wouldn’t have to think for a while. Keep your mind busy to stop it rom going over the same thoughts again and again.

The thing was you couldn’t resist. You needed to think about something. But whenever you tried to focus on something everything else would come to your mind too. You wanted to think of Sam. Figure out what do you feel for him. You tried to focus on him but your mind just couldn’t. Guilt , pain, fear... everything was a distraction resulting in not being able to think clearly. And of course not getting to a conclusion. Your body was failing you. You were exhausted..As a result your mind was failing you too. You couldn’t force yourself to think more.

You left the kitchen and moved to the couch. You opened the tv and watched the news. There was a woman that died that morning. Vera Smith. Sounded like a case. You thought about taking it but you weren’t in condition to deal with it right now. You were tired and emotionaly confused. Terrible combination. Working a case like this would put your life in more danger than usual. It would be best if another hunter took this case. Maybe you’d call Cas to call Sam or...

“ Jody... “You said from the couch.

“ Yes” she replied from the kitchen.

“ Can you do me a favor?” You asked.

“ What favor?” you saw her face from the ktchen door.She asked suspecting something wierd. You could tell from her voice. Something that would get her into trouble.She wasn’t actually thinking you’d ask something awkward or wrong. Her tone was just there to mess with you. You knew that.

“ Can you call, Sam?” You said. Jody stepped out of the kitchen. She had her hands on her waist and a suspicious look in her eyes.

“All right, I’m listening” she said. She was expecting an explanation. “ An hour ago you couldn’t even **hear** the guy’s name without crying and now you want me to call him?”

“ Is it completely wrong?” You asked. Jody was understanding about the situation with Sam. Why was she asking you like that now? You got scared that you were doing something wrong. Something you shouldn’t do. How much worse can it get though after sleeping with him? Can you really make things worse for any of you?

“ No, it’s not” She said troubled and sat next to you on the couch. She thought about her words for a second. “ I just wonder... why would you want me to do this. If you’re ready to face him why don’t you just do it.?” You felt a sharp pain in your heart. Confusion, love and slight guilt. You turned your head to face your shoes and two thick teardrops left your eyes.

“ I’m not ready to face him.” You said and looked Jody in the eye again. “ I just want you to tell him about a case I saw on the news and... that I’m ok...” Your tears were running uncontrolable now. Yet you weren’t trembling. You were rather calm. He just needed to know you were ok. You didn’t leave Sam a note and you never answered your phone when he called. You didn’t know in what way he cared for you or to what extend but you were sure he cared. Your heart was full of warmth for him right now. You realised that no matter what happened. He cared. Even if he is not in love with you. The thought of him caring so much made you melt inside. Something sweet and warm. Something that offered comfort. Something to hold on to. Something about the relationship you two had that would never change. Something steady. And you wanted Jody to call because after all that happened and without having any idea what your feelings actually were for him you knew one thing. You cared too. And that would never change.it was the steady thing you were looking for. And you knew it was true for both of you. You knew he was worried sick and it was your fault, cause in your panic to leave you didn’t even consider leaving a note. Something to tell him you were ( physically) fine.

Jody was giving you a sweet smile. She hugged you with one arm.

“ Why don’t you call him to tell him that yourself?” She asked. Maybe she thought you cleared things out and that you wanted to talk to him and you were scared. But nothing was clear yet. You didn’t want to talk to him yet. Not even on the phone. But you wanted him not to worry.

“ I’m still figuring things out Jody. I can’t talk to him, not yet. Just call him, tell him about the case and tell him I’m here...” you said smiling. Your voice though was close to begging.

“ OK” Jody said and smiled at you. She understood.” I’ll call him in the afternoon” she reassured you.

After you had lunch with Jody you went straight to bed. Once you lied down all those thoughts that left you for a while were back to hunt you. But you were exhausted. Your mind wanted to keep working. Thinking. But you were physically unable. You closed your eyes and this time you actually fell asleep.

_You were lying on the bed with the man you loved. You were breathing his scent and you could hear his breaths and his unique heartbeat. “Why aren’t you sleeping?” He asked you. “ I’m .... worried” You replied. You didn’t really want to tell him what you were worried about. He would feel guilty for that too. No more guilt for this guy. That’s enough... “ What for?” He asked. You raised your head to look to his green eyes. He had a genuine question in his eyes. Why would you feel worried? The last case you three took care of was a huge success. Nothing to worry about. Tonight you should be celebrating not worrying. Yet, good cases always made you worry. Despite not wanting to tell him you went on and talked. “ I worry about the time things will go completely south... for good” He took a deep slow breath. He knew what you were saying. Your answer could be translated to “ I worry that you’re gonna die again and this time permanetely...” He held you tighter. When he spoke his voice was hard. “ I can’t tell you it won’t happen. You know that. In fact I can tell you the exact opposite...” you opened your mouth to protest but when you looked in his eyes you stopped. Nothing in his voice indicated the tears waiting to fall from his eyes. You wanted to say something but you didn’t know what. Reassure him that it won’t happen? You couldn’t reassure yourself let along him. Tell him you’de be fine after it to ease his pain? You wouldn’t and he knew that. He spoke instead. “ I want you to promise me something...” He said and looked to his hand that now enclosed yours. His fingers combined with yours. His thumb running circles on the side of your thumb. You felt a sharp pain piercing your chest.You felt your eyes watering... Normally you’d try to hide it but you couldn’t hide it from him. You looked at him and you felt a tear leave your eye. He looked back at you. “ When I’m gone...If I’m gone” he added noticing the way your hand started trembling and how hard it was for you to swallow. “ I want you to move on... Be happy... Find someone else... Someone that loves you very much... Leave the life and be happy... Hey, I know you don’t like it but you got to promise me that...” He said and his last words sounded like begging. Your throat was closing and you were doing everything in your power to keep your eyes from leaking. You looked at your hands and another tear left your eye as you moved your head. He was still moving his thumb against yours. You knew what your answer had to be. The only way to make him feel the slightest better. To ease his guilt for bringing you into his life never being able to understand that he was the best thing ever happened to you. Because he was the best and the worst think to ever happen in your life. But no matter how much you tried to show him that he was the best he would always see only the worst. “ Ok” you said in a trembling voice and looked back at him. “ Ok” he repeated and nodded looking straight into your eyes. “ Now you promise me something” You said and this time the tears were more and you couldn’t control them. Your voice was trembling. “ Promise me you won’t be gone...” you said. You just needed to hear it. Hear him say it. He was just looking at you. His expression was sad but strong and certain. “ I can’t do that” He answered firmly not moving his eyes from yours like he was trying to make you understand that someday he **will be** gone.You were crying but you didn’t protest. You knew he couldn’t make that promise. You just moved with slow and soft moves and burried yourself in his chest. To hold him. For as long as you had left.He placed his chin on the top of your head and that was the last time you ever talked about it. Then somehow you woke up in Sam’s arms. He was smiling at you and you were smiling at him. Somehow it didn’t feel wrong. It felt good. It felt right. Like you were fulfiling a promise..._

You woke up. You were sweaty. Your heart was beating very fast at the memory you just relived. You sat on the bed trying to catch your breath. Your eyes full of tears. Your heart was searching for the hug you had in your dream. You knew you couldn’t have it. Dean was gone. For so long. This wasn’t the first time a dream made you long for him. There were always different ways to deal with this feeling in the middle of the night. Sometimes drinking. Sometimes researching. Sometimes just crying. This time you wanted something completely different. You wanted to call Sam. You felt like chocking and tears filled your eyes but not because of guilt. You were feeling like you just needed Sam to hold you right now. Just hold you. Just to cry in his arms. You didn’t know if you were feeling in love with him right now. But you didn’t feel like he was a friend. Maybe he could never be just a friend again. You took a pillow in your hands and hugged it. You cried into it like it was the only thing that could comfort you now that you were missing both Dean and Sam. In the same and a different way intirely. Somehow missing Sam didn’t feel so wrong. Like your dream was a sign. A sign from Dean. You thought you were being ridiculous but you couldn’t get the thought out of your mind. You were just crying in your pillow when your phone rang.

It was the first time you noticed it was night. You slept the whole afternoon and now it was what? 22:00 o’clock? You reached for your phone somewhere inside hoping it was Sam. No. You looked on the screan. It was Cas. It was kind of late. What did he want?

You answered the phone. He spoke first and he was frantic.

“ Where the hell are you?” He was yelling.

“ Wow, Cas, I’m with Jody. Why are you lik...?” You didn’t manage to finish your sentence.

“ You let Sam go on a case on his own?” He asked frantric again.

“ Wait. Sam’s on a case?” Did he take the case you told Jody to tell him you found? Why was Cas acting like that? It was not the first time Sam went on a case on his own.

“ Listen to me, Sam’s hurt...” Your heart skipped a bit. You jumbed of the bed.

“ What do you mean? Is he bad? Where is he?” You were yelling too. You had your free hand in your hair. Your heart was about to burst. No. You couldn’t lose Sam. No...

“ He was on a hunt for a witch and she put a hex bag on him. I found it I burnt it but He hasn’t waken up yet... What do I do? You know witches better than I do..What...”

“ You search for another hex bag. He won’t die if she wanted him dead he would be dead by now. I’ll be there as fast as I can... Keep me posted.” You said interrupting him. Your heart was about to burst and your hands were trembling.

“ Lincoln, Nebraska. Hurry!” Cas said.

“ I’m on my way” You said and hung up. You run around the room to find your things as fast as you could. Once you did you went down the stairs and straight to the door. You left a note explaining the situation to Jody and got in your car. You have no idea how many laws you violated while driving to get there fast... As fast as you could. Your heart was beating very fast. You put all your confusion aside. Guilt, pain... Nothing mattered. Sam was in danger. It wasn’t that somehow you were feeling in love right now.You still didn’t know how you were feeling. The thing was it didn’t matter. You loved Sam. You always did. As a friend. If that love could be extended you didn’t know. But you were sure as hell that you would die if anything happened to Sam. And it was always like this. Yes. You were terrified of the moment you’d have to face him. Because you weren’t ready to hear him and you didn’t know what to tell him. You haven’t sorted things out. But it didn’t matter. You had to make sure he is safe... You hated fast driving but now... You were driving faster than the speed limit. You had to get there fast.

You were there in three hours. It still sounded like a lot but you weren’t freaking out. Cas called and told you that he found no more hex bags. He also gave you details as to how and where he found Sam. He told you he didn’t find Sam at the motel and then he tracked his phone the way Sam showed him and found him unconsious in a big house about five blocks from the motel. Sam informed him that he was hunting a witch that afternoon so the first thing he did was checking for a hex bag. He found it and burned it but Sam was still unconscious and it wasn’t something he could heal. So he called you. He thought you would be with Sam but you weren’t and he was confused at first but then realised that at that moment questions didn’t matter.

You found the motel pretty easily. You found Sam’s room and knocked. Cas opened the door and you immediately walked past him to see Sam. He was naked on the bed covered with the sheets.( Thank God!) Why was he naked? Was he having sex with the witch? You knew this couldn’t be possible. Your heart dropped a bit and you felt a little jealous, though. You shaked your head. No. That doesn’t track. Cas found him in a house fully dressed from what he told you. And Sam isn’t the type of guy who would have sex with the first girl that hits on him. How stupid can your thoughts be? All those thoughts crossed your mind in a matter of seconds.

“ Hi” Cas said from the door where he was still standing and he was kind of offended you didn’t even greet him.

You turned to face him “ Hi” You said and then continued.

“ Ah...Why exactly is Sam naked?” You asked puzzled.

“ You told me to look everywhere” Cas answered like he was saying the most obvious thing in the world. You couldn’t help but smile. Cas was always so literal.

“ Even in his underware?” you asked afraid of the answer which was visible in your expression. You hoped Cas would say no. You didn’t know if Sam was wearing underware under the sheets. You certainly hoped he did. It wasn’t something you haven’t seen but things didn’t have to be more awkward than they would already be between the two of you.

“ Well... I thought maybe the witch thought we wouldn’t search there...” He was explaining it like removing Sam’s underware was the smartest thing to do and he had a genuine question in his eyes as to why you seemed to disagree. Your jaw dropped a bit when he answered. Maybe you even blushed a little. You gained your self control very fast So Sam was completely naked. Things will be inevitably more awkward now...

“ Yeah... She must be one horny witch...” you said with sarcasm and moved closer to take a look at Sam. He seemed asleep. You turned to Cas again.

“ Did he have any wierd marks on his body? You know on his hands or back? Something that looked like a letter or a sigil?” You didn’t want to check yourself. Even the thought made you feel uneasy. Your heart flattering a bit. And of course like always a flash of guilt.

“ No. Nothing like that. He just had some red marks on his neck and shoulders. Like bruises. I was able to heal them.” You felt blood colouring your cheeks. Heat radiating from your face.You knew what bruises Cas was talking about. The ones you left on Sam’s body. Your heart was beating fast. You moved your hand out of instinct to cover the ones you had on your neck. It was too late. “ Do you want me to heal yours too?” Cas didn’t seem to understand how those marks were created. He didn’t even seem to connect the dots. You felt gratefull for that. You shook your head again to remove the colour from your cheeks and tried to focus on Sam.

“ Later.” You said and sat next to Sam to check his breathng. You used a little mirror you had in your pocket. The wierd thing is that this mirror was always in your pocket for this particular reason. Checking breaths. Part of the life... He was breathing but vaguely. You put your hand on his naked chest to ckeck his pulse. That seemed vague to. Touching his chest made you feel a flattering inside. It also gave you flashbacks of your night together. Your heart beat was raising.You were monitoring his heartbeat and his vague breath with your hand as his chest moved. He seemed so peaceful. And suddenly you blushed and felt heat waves radiating from your cheeks. You removed your hand immediately when you realised that normally people check somebody’s pulse on that person’s hand. They don’t put their hands on their naked chest. That was pure instinct. Subconscious sexual attraction. SHIT! You hoped that didn’t give you away to Cas. And you noted to yourself to be more carefull and keep your instincts in check. If Sam was awake now would comment on this. Because it would seem wierd to him. And it felt wierd to you too. You wanted to avoid situations like this one but you didn’t know when something would give you away and in what way. It’s also hard to hide what you feel when you don’t know what that is.

“ Your heartbeat is rising...again” Cas commented from the other side of the room wondering what could have caused that. Of course you told him half the truth.

“ I’m worried... He is under a spell. Probably one to mentain his situation even if the hex bag is gone. But It’s a verbal spell. She casted it in front of Sam and without knowing exactly what spell she used we can’t break it.” Witches. Very few had the power of verbal spells without any ingredient or something on their victims bodies. She must be a powerful one but she is dumb. She didn’t kill him when she had the chance. She probably wanted to play with him first. Well, It won’t end well for her.

“ What do we do now?” Cas asked.

You got up and found your bag. You searched for Dean’s gun and once you found it you filled it and put it in your back pocket.

“ Now...” You said “ You stay with Sam, while I kill a witch... Verbal spells can only be broken by an anti-spell ,which requires to know the exact spell casted or killing the witch who casted it... Guess which one we’re going for” You said with sarcasm. It seemed to be your thing today. You always reacted like that when you were feeling uncomfortable.

“ I’ll come with you” Cas said and moved to leave the motel with you.

“ No” You said and he stopped. “ Whose gonna look after Sam? You stay...” You said and you walked out the door with Dean’s gun in your hand.

You drove to the witch’s house. It was early morning. You saw her return to the house just as you got there. You hid behind a tree to make sure she doesn’t see you. She looked like a slut. Her dress, her shoes, her expression. She had a huge wicked smile on her face while unlocking her door. She most certainly thought about all the things she’d do to Sam. _Well, witchy you’re up for a surprise...!_ You thought and sneaked into her house just as she realised Sam wasn’t there anymore.

You pointed Your gun to her head just as she realised you were there. She didn’t even flinch. She was smiling. Your gun was still pointing at her head.

“ Really? He sent his girlfriend to save him?” She said and you flinched when you heard the word girlfriend. The bitch knew how to buy some time. You were ready to pull the triger but her words stopped you. “ Pitty,” she continued “And we could have had so much fun together...” she said with a pretending- to - be- sad face.

“ Well, you won’t have fun with him ,bitch” You said ready to pull the triger once again.

“ I was talking about you not him...” she said with a wicked smile clearly trying to mess with your head. These were her last words. You pulled the triger so fast that she was lying on the floor before she could finish her sentence.

You left her there and drove back to the motel. You knew Sam would be up now. You were worried about this moment since you left Jody’s and you knew there was no way to avoid it. You didn’t think you could either. Your heart was flattering in your chest.You took a deep breath and knocked. Cas opened the door and you saw Sam fully dressed standing in front of the bed. He was so beautiful. Tired and in a bad shape after the spell but still so beautiful. The sight made you wonder if there was any way you didn’t have feelings for him. When you walked in your heart was beating like a drum. And now it was beating even faster if that was possible.Your eyes met Sam’s for a second and you felt like you’ve been electocuted and punched at the same time. You knew what the punch was about. The guilt you still couldn’t let go. The electricity was what you still couldn’t understand. For that little you thought you took a glimpse inside him. The pain he was going through. It seemed so similar to yours. You couldn’t handle it. Your heart would jump out of your chest. You looked away as fast as you could.

When you walked in you were standing opposite of Sam. You were looking anywhere but him. Like looking straight to him would triger an explosion inside you didn’t know if you wanted. Or worse you were scared you wouldn’t be able to take your eyes away if you dared to look. You were feeling your heart still beating fast. You were feeling really uncomfortable. You were having flashbacks of your night together. How passionate you both were. How much you wanted it at the time. How much he wanted it at the time. You were feeling exposed. So did Sam. He was looking everywhere, but not you. You could sense the awkwardness in the air. The wierd electricity connecting you and Sam. Electricity that could be traced back to that night. Cas, was just watching the scene in front of him. He had a puzzled look on his face trying to understand what was going on.

Finally Sam cleared his throat looking down and then lifted his head and looked at you. His eyes so clear. They had a light in them that made you melt. You felt fear. What would you do if anything happened to those eyes?

“ Thanks” He said in a low voice. You could hear the uneasiness in his voice. You could hear your heart in your ears. All the questions you had these days were coming back to you. How was he feeling? Why did it happen? How were you feeling? What was all this fuzz happening inside you right now? Were you in love or what? Guilt made its way to the surface too. You weren’t supposed to feel in love. You were Dean’s. You loved Dean. But right now you loved them both. And Dean. Memories of Dean that made the moment even worse... After a long pause you managed to say it.

“ You’re welcome” You looked at him for a brief moment. Electricity hit you again. You were getting used to it. Learning to avoid it. If you could resist the part of you that craved the elctricity. His face had a sad expression but indecipherable at the same time. You couldn’t really understand it. Sad was the best adjective to describe it but you had no idea how he was feeling inside right now. Was he feeling anything the way you were? And if he did could you handle hearing it? Could you handle hearing the words? You were feeling like his eyes were stealing your breath away.

Cas was watching and he knew now that something was odd. That’s not the scene he expected to see in front of him. You bet he was expecting hugs and comfort. But right now you were scared to death of hugs and comfort. As a result what Cas was watching was an entirely different scene. The exact opposite.

“ Is something wrong?” he asked. He already knew the answer but he gave the question a shot.

“ No!” You and Sam answered at the same time. Both your voices low and alarmed.You looked at each other surprised by the other’s answer. So nothing was wrong for Sam? You looked at him and you couldn’t hide hurt from your eyes. How could everything be fine. He gave you an apologetic look and looked slightly at Cas. How stupid could you be? He said _no_ for the same reason you did. So Sam didn’t want Cas to know either.

Cas of course didn’t believe you but he knew you didn’t want to talk about it now. Whatever that was. Instead he proposed to go to have breakfast. It was morning by now. You and Sam agreed still not looking at each other. You drove to the nearest diner. You found a table and sat down. You sat next to Cas and Sam sat opposite from you.The drive was awfully quiet. Non of you said a word. Yet, it was like your heart was monitoring Sam’s every move. It’s been a really long time since the last time you felt like that. You were scared of it. You and Sam didn’t exchange a single look when you were driving. You weren’t exchanging any looks now. Somehow that hurt you. The waitress came to take your order.

“ Nothing for me” You said firmly. Your throat was closed and you couldn’t get anything down right now. You were feeling what other people would call butterflies while you... you call it wanting to throw up big time...

“ Me too” Sam said in a low steady voice.He wasn’t feeling well. You could tell. The spell took its tall on him. And of course it was this whole you and him situation. Last time you were in the same room you were sleeping naked next to each other. And if you remember the last time you were in the same room awake you feel even worse.

“ Maybe you should come back in a few minutes” Cas said looking at the waitress apologetically.

She left and Cas leaned on the table to adress both you and Sam.

“ I don’t know what’s going on with you two but I think three people sitting in a diner without ordering is kind of wierd... I don’t eat...If you didn’t want anything you should have said it in the first place.” He sounded a bit angry.

“ Fine” you said angrily “ I’ll order something” You weren’t really angry. You didn’t really know why you had that tone. Maybe it was a way to deal with the awkwardness of the moment. Dealing with your heart skipping beats every time you thought he’d look at you. Sam was still not looking at you. He just nodded at your words. You just craved a look right now. You knew you weren’t alone in this whole wierd feeling but you just needed his eyes to reassure you. He just looked at Cas. Cas seemed pleased with your answer. You were sure now why he proposed going for breakfast. He just wanted to give you and Sam the chance to solve whatever the problem is. Things weren’t that simple though. You wish they were. You wish you could just go back to the way things were. But that ship has sailed... The waitress came back asking you to order once again.

“ Black coffee...” You said looking at her. Your tone was kind of agressive. You rarely drunk black coffee. You preffered white but once in a while... The thing was that this time you reminded yourself of Dean. The way he was ordering his black coffee. A flash of guilt hit your chest at the memory. And then your dream that came from your memory. The way he was holding you. How could you ever hold anyone this way again? If you had to be honest you’d have to admit that this time you ordered your coffee black to keep him close. The only comfort you could find in this whole situation that would stop your eyes from leaking. You weren’t the only one who remembered of Dean, though. Sam looked at you for the first time in hours after you gave your order. You could see pain in his eyes. You’ve seen that pain countless times before. Every time he’d remember Dean. Was it just you or this time it was worse? Was guilt killing him too? If so why wasn’t he giving you at least a damn look to make you understand? In a desperate attempt to defeat the awkwardness you looked back at him angrily. You locked eyes with him for about two seconds. Two seconds in which you were both trying to understand what the other was feeling. You couldn’t figure Sam out. You thought you would but you were just feeling your pain. Maybe because you had so many feelings at this moment you couldn’t focus on him. You were feeling electricity hitting you. Your heart beating fast. Awkwardness made things worse. Your expression turned more and more angry. It was just your way to hide how you were really feeling. Or maybe you were a bit angry too. Sam didn’t even try to talk to you. He didn’t say anything. How could he with Cas around? Yet he seemed completely indifferent to your situation. Or was that just the way you were recieving his uneasiness? The waitress asked him to order and that’s when he broke the eye contact.

“ Ah...Yeah... I’ll take the orange juice” He said.

“ Seriously now?” You said looking at him with a look full of sarcasm. He looked back at you and you could tell by his face that he was pissed. He had the expression he usually had when he was trying not to answer to somebodythat pissed him off. He turned his head again without saying a single word. He didn’t want to answer you. But you were just craving an answer. Anything to show you that he wanted to talk. Because if he did so did you. That incident got you even more pissed. Pissed with Sam and yourself. Because you were acting like a bitch and you hated that.

“ Nothing for me, thanks” Cas said and the waitress left to bring your order. You and Sam didn’t look at each other again. And you didn’t exchange a single word. When the waitress brought your order you just lost yourself in your thoughts. You shut everyone else out. Both Sam and Cas.

You didn’t mean to act like a bitch but the awkwardness made you feel defensive. Like you needed to make sure noone could understand you’re a mess. That you don’t know how you feel. Or worse Sam understanding that you have feelings for him when you had no idea if that was true. Your emotions were so complicated. That made you feel like you needed to get defensive. Which made you agressive. You knew you had no reason to speak to Sam like that. Yet you did. And you had no right to blame him for not talking to you when you were doing the exact same thing. You just desperately wanted a reaction from him. Something to show you. Anything. A sign. You didn’t like what was going on now. What the hell was wrong with you? You didn’t know what Sam was feeling but you realised you didn’t really want to know either. Not just yet. Anything he’d tell you now would affect **your** feelings. Your heart wanted it but you were sure you couldn’t handle it now. That it would lead you to wrong decisions. You didn’t want anything that could do that. You needed to figure out things on your own. You needed to know how **you** feel before you concern yourself with how Sam feels. And there was only one way you could do that... And of course you needed to stop talking with that agressive tone. There was no need for that. And finally admit the truth. You loved Sam. You know that. And you bet your ass he loves you too. The exact nature of your love or his is yet to be determined but you loved each other as friends for a long time. Nothing can change that. The friend zone situation might have been broken but love would always be here. You just needed to feel this from him too. The way he was acting was taking away the steady thing you had to think for comfort. The fact that no matter what, you both cared.Staring at your coffee you made your decision. You needed to make things clear with Sam. You knew how you were supposed to act now. You needed to stop acting like a bitch and face the situation for what it is. Guilt and pain left aside. You lifted your head and gave Sam a determined look. You would talk to him and tell him everything you had on your mind about you two but you wouldn’t let him tell you anything. You couldn’t handle it. Not yet. He didn’t look at you but you knew what would follow once you would be back at the motel.

After you were done with your coffee and Sam with his orange juice you drove back to the motel. You were feeling calm now knowing what you should do. What was right for both of you. And it was tearing you apart but you knew you had to do it.

When you got back to the motel all three of you entered the room. Everyone was silent. Cas knew something was wrong and he was just waiting for something to happen. You or Sam talking or maybe a big fight. Something. Sam was just watching you packing the few things you unpacked to leave. Once you were done you lifted your head of your bag and turned to face Sam and Cas. Sam was sitting on the bed. Your heart skipped a beat at the sight of him. You felt tears and you wanted to be quick with what you were about to do. Cas was just watching outside the window. They were both lost in their thoughts.

“ Cas” He turned to look at you when he heard his name. “ Can you leave us alone for a while?” You asked. Your voice calm and steady. Sam got up at the sound of your suggestion. His moves weren’t sudden but they were still nervous. Unlike yours. You weren’t feeling nervous anymore. Instead you were feeling sure about your decision. But you couldn’t fight the tears.

“ Sure” He said and left the room closing the door behind him just as the first tear left your eye.

You looked at Sam. You didn’t know how to begin.For the first time after that night you were alone with him. Again all you could see was how beautiful he was and all you could feel was how much you cared. You realised that if Cas was not there in time he probably wouldn’t be standing there. He would probably be gone. Like Dean. You couldn’t handle it. Tears were dropping from your eyes. You lifted your hand and placed it on your mouth still looking at his eyes. You weren’t scared of him seeing you. Seing the tears multiply every second. Your hand was shaking...

“ I didn’t even ask you if you were all right...” you said to him. More tears left your eyes. He came closer to you in an instant. He didn’t do it before because he couldn’t understand why you were crying. Maybe you were crying because you were feeling guilty as hell... He didn’t know and he didn’t want to make things worse by coming closer. It took him just this single sentence to understand. Now he knew those tears were for him. Because you were scared you would lose him.

“ I’m fine” He said and moved closely. His voice was low and calm. He was inches away from you now. He meant physically but your heart gave you a sharp pain and you looked up into his eyes. Your vision blurry.

“ I’m not...” That’s all you managed to say. He moved his hand to take yours in his hand. You held it firmly with your shaking hand.You were desperately trying to control your tears but you couldn’t. You closed your eyes to shut those tears out. But you didn’t. You couldn’t. As your body was shaking you felt him coming closer to you. You didn’t need anything more. You leaned your head on his chest and he immidiately wrapped his arms around you. And you wrapped your arms around him. You wanted that hug for so long. You were crying in his chest and he was just holding you. You couldn’t find the strength to speak yet. You were just holding him. When you found your voice again you just started saying everything you had in your mind. “ I don’t know how I feel, Sam. I’m so sorry...”

“ No, I’m sorry” he said but he stopped when you left a sob.

“ Don’t say that. Please don’t say that... Please don’t blame yourself for this. I feel awful for even saying it but you weren’t the only one that night that got carried away...”

“ (Y/N)...” He began but you stopped him again.

“ No... Please just let me say it...” You held him tighter and he closed you in his arms even more. “ I don’t know how I feel. But I don’t feel just awful... I ‘m in pain. In so much pain. Because I love Dean and I always will... But I think” You tried to steady your voice but it was useless...Tears were running uncotrolable. “ I think I might have feelings for you...” You could hear his heart beating faster...” But I don’t know... I just don’t know... I can’t tell you I’m in love with you because I don’t know if I am... and if I am I don’t know if I can handle it...” You were expecting him to let you go now. Being shocked with what he heard. But no. He just tightened his grip bringing fresh tears in your eyes... The warmth you were feeling inside was so comforting. Like Sam was hugging your heart too... “ I feel so guilty about what happened.... And I don’t know how to handle it and that’s why” You took a deep shaking breath... “ I have to go...” you said and you felt a tear landing on your hair. “ I need to be alone. To clear things out... That’s the only way I can ever be happy... With anyone... I need to take a different way, Sam...” You said and your voice tailed in tears.

You found the strength and moved away from him to look to his face. You could see his eyes watering but his expression was steady and calm. Just like you always knew Sam.

“ I get it “ he said. “ But let me tell you some things too”

“ No “ You shook your head and tears dropped from your eyes... “ anything you say now will affect my feelings... and this is something I have to figure out on my own... But there is one thing...” tears interrupted your sentence. “ There is one thing I need you to know before I go...” You moved your hands slowly and cupped his face. He slowly brought his face close to yours and he touched your forehead with his. Your hands were shaking.You moved them from his forehead to his neck and he wraped his around your waist still touching your forehead. You were breathing his breath now and the warmth that was giving your heart is difficult to describe. You were feeling the warm air shaking as he was loosing control of his emotions too. You opened your mouth and with a trembling voice close to a wisper you said “ I love you, Sam... As a friend I always will... I don’t know if I can feel anything more... I don’t ... But I can tell you this much... If anything happens to you ... I’m done... I don’t know If you’re all I have after Dean died or if I’m just starting to feel more... I wish I could tell you that... But I don’t know... All I know is that I care for you very much and I could never leave without telling you this...” Your tears were still there. In every single word you said a new tear would cross your cheeks... You moved your hands and cupped Sam’s face again. He moved his hands and cupped yours...

“ I love you too...” He said... You closed your eyes at the warmth your heart felt to this statement... “ so much...” he continued... “ But you’re not the only one who doesn’t know how to feel...”

“ Please don’t tell me anything more” you said closing your eyes. His hands stroking your cheeks... “ I’m not ready to hear it... I don’t know if I ever will be... I just need to go away... Don’t make it harder than it already is...” You said refering to the sharp pain that was tearing your chest apart from the moment he said he loved you...

He pulled you in for probably the last hug ever... You didn’t resist... You just let all the pain of going away and all the love even though you didn’t know what kind of love to fill you... You were holding him probably for the last time... And just like that out of nowwhere you felt him kissing your cheek and you felt a tear that wasn’t yours... If pain could kill ,you would be dead by now... you knew this wouldn’t be easy but you needed to let go.... You needed to let him go if you ever wanted to know if you could come back... And for once more loving Sam didn’t feel that wrong... You kissed his cheek too... A slow kiss in which all your emotions were hidden... Good and bad... You’d miss him but you couldn’t make things worse by telling him...

You stepped back and looked at his eyes... Tears were visible... You took your bag and opened the door... Still looking at his eyes. Knowing that this could be the last time you see them. You put your hand on your mouth again trying to contain who knows what... so many things wanted to come out...

“ Goodbye, Sam” You wispered... Your tears still falling...

“ Goodbye ( Y/N)...” You saw a tear leaving his eyes and his voice was gruff...

You were feeling your heart physically ache as you took with you the last memory of him... You bit your lip to supress a scream...

You opened the door and you didn’t even realise when you got to your car. You didn’t even say goodbye to Cas... staying there a minute longer would make you change your mind and you knew you shouldn’t. You started driving... you needed to leave now... You started the engine and left Sam behind... Probably a part of you with him... It hurt a lot. It was tearing you apart but it was the best for you now... both of you...

 

**Sam’s point of view**

I see her driving away...

It breaks me on the inside but I know she is right. I’m in love with her and seeing her again made me realise just how much. But now I know she is not ready for this feeling. And neither am I. I still have things to short out and until I do I can’t give her what she needs. I’m can’t give her the love she needs. I need time too...

I most certainly hope she will be back one day. And that makes me feel guilty. Yes, I’m in love with her but **you can’t make anyone happy if you’re not happy with yourself...** and I’m not. I still feel like I betrayed my brother and unless I can let that go I can’t be with her...So until then... Until I figure everything out too... I need to let her go.

I remember the tears in her eyes... The tears of the woman I’ll probably never see again. The woman I love... A sharp pain in my chest makes my throat close. Seeing her leave hurts. It tears me apart... But it feels like the right thing for her...

And for me...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There might be a small delay but I'll be back soon...  
> Thanks again for your support!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by this song:  
> MIKA - Relax ( Take it easy)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter begins after Jody left with Dean and Charlie ( Beggining of chapter 4)

**Your point of view**

 

Sam closed the door behind him after Jody left and joined you on the couch. He wrapped his arms around you and you rested your head on his chest. You were feeling very tired. The whole day exhausted you. Sam was the most comfortable pillow at the time. You sighed in his arms.

“ So now that the kids are gone... What do you want to do?” Sam asked you smiling.

“Sleep” you replied bluntly.

He seemed somewhat disappointed.

“ Ok..” He said chuckling like this was the last answer he was expecting.

“ I’m sorry. Charlie was crying all day... I can’t really do anything more...” you said apologetically as you turned to look at him.

“ It’s ok” he said kissing the top of your head. “ Maybe dinner?” He asked smiling.

“ I’m not going to cook” you said with your eyes closed. He smiled and pressed his lips lightly on yours. As he pulled away you opened your eyes to look at him.

“ I will” he said.

You smiled at him in disbelief.

“ Really?” you asked.

“ Yeah, really” he chuckled. He was waiting for your answer as you were examining him with your eyes.

“ Ok then” you said laughing and he got up and went straight to the kitchen.

After about an hour he called you to join him. You got up and entered the kitchen. He did his best making the table look beautiful and well set. You appreciated this a lot. Cause really it’s those small things that show you that the other person loves you.That they care for you. You smiled at the anticipation in his eyes. Your whole body was screaming “ I love you” to him. You took a deep breath and got lost to the feeling of loving someone deeply the way you did Sam. And the way he loved you. He came closer to you. He kissed your lips and pulled out the chair for you. He moved quickly to the other chair. He sat opposite from you.

“ Impressive” you said smiling. You noticed Sam holding a bottle of wine. You rarely drunk wine. Only on special occasions.

“ After all this time you still have no faith in me” he joked filling your glass with the wine.

“ Wine? Our anniversary is tommorow” you laughed.

“ Well, you’re my wife every day and I want to take care of you” he said leaving you speechless with a wide smile across your face. He looked at his plate ready to eat when he noticed you still staring at him.

“ What?” He asked you. You didn’t answer. You just had a huge smile on your face. His words made your heart melt. And the way he said it like this was something any husband would say to his wife. When you knew that was not the case.

You got up and walked straight to him. You sat on his lap and wrapped your arms around his neck. He was sitting and still you were only slightly taller than him. You looked into his eyes and you hoped he could see how much you loved him and how happy he made you in yours. You pressed your lips to his. It was a light kiss but hidden in it were all the feelings you had for him. When you pulled away he smiled at you and said.

“ I love you, (Y/N) Winchester” It was nice to hear it and it made your heart melt once more.

“ I love you too, Sam Winchester... In any way possible...” You said and kissed him once more. It was nice to say it.

After all...

It took you a while to figure out how you were feeling...

After the conversation you had with Sam you decided to concentrate on the job. Take on as many cases as possible. Anything to keep your mind busy. Just enough to take a break and then face the terrifying questions you had to ask your heart. But for a while you decided to relax. That’s why you left Sam. To give yourself the time to relax. You didn’t tell Sam, you barely admited it to yourself too, but you didn’t leave to stay away. You left so you could go back. You didn’t know in what terms would the next time you see Sam be but you knew one thing. If it was in your hand you would see him again. You couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing him again. He was a huge part of your life. You lived years with him and Dean and after Dean’s death he was your routine. Your every day life. Every day you would wake up and see Sam. You would talk with Sam. You would hunt with Sam. You would say goodnight to Sam. All these simple actions became habbits. You don’t walk away from that that easily. It takes time to find yourself again. And the first days aren’t easy. It’s been way too long since the last time you lived completely on your own. At first everything seemed scary.The nights seemed empty like something was missing. Like somebody should be there but noone was. The first nights you couldn’t sleep. You were feeling uneasy. You used to wake up in the middle of the night. It wasn’t a nightmare or anything that kept you awake. It was just the feeling that something wasn’t right. And it had nothing to do with Dean’s absence cause you were used to that by now. And nothing to do with missing Sam as a person. It had to do with the general feeling of lonliness that was taking over, especially during night. As the time went by you started getting used to the whole living alone thing again. It even started feeling good. You finally had the time and the liberty to do whatever you wanted. You tried to do things that made you feel happy. Something you haven’t felt in a long time. You haven’t realised it but keep living with Sam after Dean’s death was a constant reminder. Everything reminded you of Dean and not just the good times but his death as well. It was like the memory of his death was always in your head. It made you sad and it prevented you from feeling actually happy. Like every smile and every laugh after Dean’s death was fake. But you were just beggining to realise that. Now you had the chance to escape the saddness and give yourself the chance to feel this amazing feeling of happiness once again. With painful reminders gone it was like a weight was lifting of your soulders. For the first time. The very first time you were feeling reconcilled with the fact that Dean was gone. It’s not that you didn’t remember him. You did. You always will. How can you forget the man you loved and always will love. What you were feeling was what Jody said. You were moving on. Every time something reminded you of Dean you wouldn’t get that sharp pain in your chest that made you want to break down and cry. Instead you were getting a smile on your face. A smile to the memory of the man that was everything to you. A smile of the time that he was with you. And you finally realised that in a way he still was. You remembered that phrase everyone used to say that he was still in your heart. It seemed pretty lame to you. You were feeling that he was not with you and that was all that mattered and the fact that he was in your heart was just the cause of pain. Now you could see what they meant. Somehow you could feel him next to you. Caring for you. Like he did when he was alive. He wasn’t physically there but you could look in the sky and think “ I love you” and believe that somewhere he would answer that he loved you too. You could finally look at your photographs without being a mess for the rest of the day. You were feeling very happy when you were looking at them now. You could remember all the beautiful moments and finally feel thankful for the time you had with him. You stopped mourning the life you could have had with him and felt grateful instead for the life you actually lived together. And now you were doing what he asked. You were being happy again. Genuinely happy. And it was a happiness that had nothing to do with anyone else. It was a happiness coming from inside you.If you were in his place you would want the same for him.

Feeling this way about Dean changed your attitude towards Sam as well. Loving someone unconditionally the way Dean loved you and you loved him meant to be happy when the other is happy no matter what. You wouldn’t care who would Dean be with if you died. As long as that somebody made him happy. Cause that’s all you wanted for him. To be happy. And he was as happy as he could be with you. He always wanted more from your life and so did you. Have a family maybe... But you were the one thing that could make him genuinely happy. You could see it in his smiles. Those rare ones... And he could see it in yours. Cause he made you happy. Really happy. And he wanted you to continue to be happy with someone else after he was gone. He didn’t care who that somebody would be as long as he could make you happy. But now you had to go on and learn to be happy on your own before you could be happy with anyone else. But once you find it in you to have someone in your life again, it’s not wrong or bad or betrayal for that somebody to be Sam If he could be the one to make you happy.

You were still trying to wrap your mind around what happened with Sam. Having sex with him, telling him that you love him, everything. You started considering your feelings for him. How they developed and what they actually were. You found inside you that taking care of Sam maybe wasn’t just to fill the emptiness inside you. Maybe you wanted to take care of him just to take care of him. Because you cared about him as Sam and not him as a replacement of Dean in terms of caring. Maybe your feelings were stronger than you thought. And different. You came close to him. You were too messed up to understand what anything was about at the time. Maybe you were falling in love with him. It certainly felt that way. You were missing him. Of course you would. He was part of your life for so long but the feeling was different. You had the well known flattering inside.There were moments you couldn’t get him out of your head. Your heart would skip a beat at the thought of him calling you. And of course you were physically attracted to Sam. You noticed, or rather you allowed yourself to notice how handsome he was. You always knew that Sam was a handsome guy. The difference was that this time you could feel you were physically attracted to him too just like other girls were. You could feel his good looks affecting you. You caught yourself thinking about his smile, his eyes and getting lost in your thoughts. Even his abs. That last one made you blush.Around this time you found the courage to admit to yourself that you enjoyed the night you had together. Not because you were drunk. You enjoyed it because it was nice. Because he was good at it. Because you were good too. Because you liked him. Because you were probably in love with him. You avoided comparisons to Dean. It wasn’t fair to any of them. Sam was a different man and you would love him for who he was and not for who he could be. After all, the way you were feeling for him and the way you were feeling for Dean was way diffferent. Strong feelings for both of them but different. You tried to test yourself to make things clearer for you. You started thinking. How would it be if he hugged you? If he kissed you ? That last one had you daydreaming. His kiss... You realised you probably wanted to taste this kiss again. Forget probably... You definetely wanted to taste his kiss again! Maybe you were falling in love for real... The thought was scary and amazing at the same time. And of course you had to wonder. Was Sam feeling the same? You knew he loved you because he told you but you didn’t let him tell you in what way... You didn’t regret that choice. You couldn’t handle any answer at the time. But now... You wanted the answer to the question. Was he feeling the same for you? What if he didn’t? After all, he was drunk too and what happened could have been just an impulse. Your heart seemed to drop slightly every time you made that thought. Another sign you were falling for him. On the other hand he could actually have feelings for you. That felt good and the thought made you smile. It actually made your heart beat a little faster. Yet if that was the case his feelings could have been there before Dean’s death. That made you worry. You were feeling really good separating your life with Dean from your potential life with Sam. If he was feeling things before though he would make a connection. And this would feel like betraying Dean. But you had to be fair. If that was the case he never showed anything. He was nothing more than a good friend. It shouldn’t bother you if that was the case. Not now... Not after all that happened. Of course even if that wasn’t the case he might be feeling terribly guilty for having sex with you. You were hoping that leaving gave him the time and space he needed to figure things out too. You got over your guilt and you were hoping he could do the same. You didn’t want to tell him how you were feeling and take no for an answer, though. No person in love wants that. What if he has feelings for you but for whatever reason he does not want to push things any further? That thought made you feel sad. That made you consider the possibility of a relationship with Sam. You didn’t know how it would be and you were scared. But maybe you could go for it. Give it a shot. If he wanted too... If he was even feeling this way for you.

You thought about calling him multiple times. You decided not to. At first because you didn’t know why you wanted to call him. Now that you knew you wanted to because you were in love with him you weren’t calling because you weren’t sure he was ready to hear you. Hear you telling him you’re in love with him. Or if you were ready to deal with rejection if that would be his decision. You decided it would be best to give him more time. Maybe he’d call first. You didn’t know but you weren’t ready to risk your new feeling of happiness for the one of battling rejection. You were still feeling very vulnerable emotionally and you didn’t want to hurt yourself more. When Sam would be ready he’d call...

So for now you were driving around the country to solve cases. Hunting on your own made you realise what a good hunter you were. Dean used to tell you that but you never really believed him. After all , you were comparing yourself to two of the best hunters of all time. You were feeling pretty weak. And they weren’t helping trying to protect you all the time. You loved Dean but he was so scared of losing you that sometimes he made you suffocate. Yet , you tried not to argue with him a lot. You knew what he’s been through and you were trying to give him a sense of safety. Of stability. That you wouldn’t go away. Sam was always more willing to let you try things on hunts and allow you to fight your own fights. But he was always there ready to step in every time he thought things were too much for you to handle. Now that you were hunting again on your own and noone was there to save you if things turned bad you realised you were tougher than you thought. You dealt with situations you never thought you could. And it felt good. You were feeling strong and independent. Soon you didn’t hesitate to take on difficult cases without back up. You did really well. Every single time.

That’s what you were doing now too. Working on one of those difficult cases. You arrived at Springfield, Illinois on a Tuesday night. You caught a case about either vamps or warewolfs or... something completely new. No monster seemed to be the perfect match for this case and that’s what made it so difficult. You decided to visit a bar before booking a room at a motel. The drive exhausted you. You were coming from New Mexico. You decided to have a drink to relax. Everything seemed normal and your beer was quite good when someone poked your shoulder. You turned around and...

“ Danny?” You said with a huge smile looking at the blonde man in front of you.

“ The very same...” He said laughing... “ Missed me, girl? Come on.. Gimme a hug” He said and opened his arms. You jumped into them without a second thought. How good it was to see him again. Danny was one of the first cases you ever worked. Actually the case was to save him from a cursed object. You got very close after that. You tried to discourage him from following your path, becoming a hunter, and you actually succeded. He was always happy to help you with a case or anything else when he could, though. Especially if you were on a case around his hometown. Which was in Indiana so seeing him here was an amazing surprise. He was a very handsome man... tall, blonde, blue eyes, very fit. He almost smothered you in his arms.

“ I can’t believe you’re here!!! It’s been so long. How come you’re in Springfield?” You said after he released you. You haven’t seen him since before you met Dean. You spoke on the phone once in a while but haven’t seen each other for way too long. He was still very beautiful. “ By the way... You’re holding up quite well..” You laughed.

“ Awww!!! Thank you! You’re not bad yourself. I mean if nobody notices you got fat...” He joked as he usually did.

“ Fat? That’s the worst you could come up with?” You laughed at his joke.

“ Well, you’re too beautiful. Give me a break...” He chuckled. He sounded like he was hitting on you but that’s the way you were always talking to each other. “ So, I moved here a year ago... Which you would know if you’d keep in touch... And today I decided to have a drink at the local bar and...” He makes a surprised expression “ Little, (Y/N), Is back in town...”

“ Don’t call me little (Y/N). You know I hate it...” You said punching his arm gently.

“ That’s why I’m doing it...” He said like he was explaining that the sky was blue. You laughed. And he laughed with you. You drunk your drinks doing some catching up. He asked about your life and _that guy Dean you mentioned._ Your face took a sad expression and you explained him what happened. Not too many details. He didn’t have to know more. You didn’t want to horrify him. But you didn’t lose your voice at the thought. You were keeping it together quite well. It was painful but the thought and memories weren’t destroying you completely like they did two months ago. This is how far you’ve come...

“ (Y/N), I’m so sorry...” He said hugging your shoulders with one arm. His face had a very sad expression.

“ Don’t be” You looked at him with a sad smile. “ We both knew it would probably end this way. Either him or me. I know he is very happy it wasn’t me after all...” You chuckled. “ And I miss him. Not a day passes by without me thinking of him.But... It’s been more than a year and a half and I do feel better. At first I was devastated. But now... I can remember our time together without wanting to rip my heart out...” You laughed melancholically.

“ Still, Loosing the love of your life...” He said sounding terrified and sad for you.

“ Can happen to anyone and we owe to the ones we loved and lost to move on and be happy... Because that’s what they wanted for us. Ans that’s what we would want for them if we were in their place...” You smiled at him.

There was a small pause were Danny was just looking at you drinking your beer lost in your thoughts.

“ You’re an amazing woman, little ( Y/N)!” He said staring at you for a while.

“ Thanks...” You answered chuckling in disbelief and surprise. “Maybe that’s because I have amazing friends..” You said and pushed him friendly.

“ Speaking of amazing friends...” He began and gestured to himself with his thumb. “ We have to get your stuff to my amazing house” He chuckled.

“ No, It’s ok. I’ll book a room somewhere...” you started explaining.

“ Nay... You’ll stay with me. And don’t try to avoid it... You’ll have to see the pool.” He winked at you.

“ What pool? You can afford a pool?” You asked laughing in dibelief.

“ No...” He took a mischievious look. “ But I have to lure you to my nest...”

“ What’s that supposed to mean?” You laughed at his joke. He always used to make those.

“ Work humor...” He replied chuckling gesturing at you.

“ Meaning hunting?” You asked laughing.

“ What else...?” He acted excited.

“ All right...” You said and gestured to the exit taking a mischievious look. “ Take me to your nest...”

He laughed and took you to his home. Of course he didn’t have a pool as you very well knew but he had a very comfortable guest room. You stayed with him to work the case. Truth is he was a delight. He made you laugh a lot and it was a nice break from your no-comunication-with-anyone days. He was willing to help with the case too. You wouldn’t allow him on the field but his brain was very useful. He was great at helping you figuring things out. But this case was one of the most difficult you ever faced.

You were at Springfield for four days now and you officially had....nada. You couldn’t figure out what kind of monster you were hunting or where to find it. And on top of that you had two people dead in the last morning. And as Danny said that night you were returning from the morgue this case was...

“... very difficult. I don’t know...we checked everything...” He said scraching the back of his head fetching you a beer. He was very tired and he sounded very concerned.

“ We’re missing something...” You said not paying attention to him. You were on your laptop going over again and again all the things you knew.

“ You want to go back to that abandond warehouse...? He asked. You checked that warehouse the day before but you found nothing.

“ There was nothing there...” You replied.

“ Yes, but all the victims have been there before they were killed. Can’t be a coincidence.” He said and sat next to you handing you the beer.

“ It’s not... But I told you. I checked and double checked but there was nothing there...” You said rubbing your tired eyes. Danny didn’t reply immediately. He thought about his words and then he talked.

“ I don’t want to say you’re not good at what you do... I know you are... But... Maybe we can’t solve this one...” He said looking at you scared of your reply.

“ No... we just need more time...” You said still searching for something in your computer.

“ We don’t have more time. Two people were found dead only this morning...” He told you troubled. You turned and looked at him expecting his next sentence. He swallowed hard and continued... “ Maybe we need back up...”

You lowered your stare to your shoes. The case was a very difficult one. You were sure you could solve it. You looked at him to tell him no but when you looked to his concerned eyes you felt he was right. You had four victims in total. You didn’t have time. Maybe you couldn’t deal with this one alone...

“ You’re right...” You said finally looking at your laptop again.

“ Thank God!”He said laughing in relief. “ I really thought you’d scream at me...”. He knew you didn’t like feeling that you couldn’t pull something off but this time you actually couldn’t. Not in time.

“ No. You’re right. We don’t have time.” You answered looking at him.

“ So? Do you have anyone in mind?...” He asked smiling.

You got your cell phone out of your pocket and you started searching in your contacts.

“ Actually. I have someone in mind...” You replied taking your eyes from your phone just to give him a look.

“ Is he any good?...” He said drinking his beer. He almost drowned and continued. “ Pardon me , Is it a she?” He chuckled scared that he might have offended you assuming it was a guy.

“ No. It’s a he.” You said finding the contact. “ And he is the best there is...” You said and pressed dial. You put your phone in your ear hoping Sam Winchester would answer your call...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is going to be a delay to the next chapter too. I'm sorry, too many things to do this week...  
> I'll be back soon.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by this song:  
> The Clash - Should I Stay or Should I go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The songs mentioned in this chapter are :  
> Johnny Logan - Hold me now  
> George Harrison - Got my mind set on you

Danny walked to the kitchen as you were waiting for Sam to answer your call. It took him a while. For a moment you thought or rather you were scared he wouldn’t. You got up and started pacing. You were ready to give up when...

“ (Y/N)?...” Sam’s voice hit your ears. He sounded surprised and a little bit concerned. Your heart flattered and you smiled to yourself. Something like a reflex to hearing Sam’s voice again. You missed him.

“ Sam, I need your help...” You said immediately. That was very abrupt! You thought you shouldn’t just go like that. It was very sudden and who knows what he thought was going on.Truth is you didn’t know how to talk to him. It’s been so long since the last time you spoke. You didn’t know what was the best way to do this. What was the best way to talk to him. And as you expected your answer upset him.

“ What’s wrong?” He asked worried. You took a deep breath and sat on the couch with one hand on your forehead.

“ I’m on a hunt at Springfield...And it’s bad...” You said focusing on the case letting your worry take over you. You were worried about the victims you will not be able to save in time. Much like the two people who died just that morning. Sam could help. And you knew that no matter what, he would be there for you as you would be there for him.

“ Are you hurt...?” You could hear panic in his voice. With the tone you used of course he thought you were hurt. You saw a picture in your mind of him just jumping off a couch when the thought of you being hurt crossed his mind. That made your heart melt.

“ No, No. I’m fine” You reassured him immediately. “ But I can’t solve this case...and I need help...” You said taking another look at the facts you had in your hands. Your papers, your laptop, some books.

“Ok... What do you think it is?” He asked after taking a deep breath. He wasn’t worried anymore. You could tell he was very relieved, though. And hearing him getting scared for you made you smile once more. A smile full of love and affection for Sam.

“ I don’t know... Vamp? Wolf? No idea... And two dead people just this morning...” You said standing up with your hand on your forehead and your eyes closed because of exhaustion. Your smile was gone at this thought. “ Can you help?” You asked like you already knew the answer. But your heart flattered waiting for it.

“ Yeah...I’ll be there in the morning...” His voice was low and calm. Like it usually was. You opened your eyes immediately as your heart started beating like crazy as a response to his answer.

“ Ok...” You said and you hesitated a little before hanging up. You wanted to talk to him a little more but you would see him anyway so... you would talk to him. For hours if you could.You would see Sam. The Sam you were in love with. At this point excitement hit you... You would see Sam again. You couldn’t help the flattering in your chest or the smile rising on your face. You were trying to stop it but the muscles on your face were moving on their own.

At this point Danny walked in the living room. You tried to cover your smile with your hands. You weren’t doing a very good job.

“ So. Is this guy coming or what?” He asked you with a smile as he opened his second beer.

“ He’ll be here in the morning” You answered with a huge smile on your face. Damn... You would see Sam again... How much happier could you get?

Danny gave you a quick look and turned around. He was about to walk to his room when he paused. He sat there for a couple of seconds.Suddenly he turned to face you again. He had a puzzled look on his face with his head tilt a bit. He raised his hand pointing at you. He looked around a bit like he was disoriented and then he fixed his eyes on you. He looked at you examining your expression.

“ Why are you smiling...?” He asked confused. It wasn’t that he found the sight of you smiling uncomon but this time your smile was huge and you had probably blushed. In other words your face was screaming that you were in love. You felt your heart beating a little faster. You couldn’t let Danny know about Sam. He has this habit of making inappropriate jokes and he could make the situation worse. You most certainly were in love with Sam. It was time to know if he was feeling the same. You were planning to have a talk with him and tell him everything. Danny would only cause trouble. You wished you could tell him ,though. It would be fun to discuss your feelings with him. He was one of your best friends after all. But now it was not the time. He could make Sam feel terribly uncomfortable. You didn’t want that. You gave him another smile and answered.

“ I’m just happy we’re going to solve the case.” You walked close to him and kissed his cheek. It was an attempt to justify the sudden happiness.

“ Riiiighttttt....” He said. You could tell he wasn’t very convinced but you didn’t care. You would see Sam. It doesn’t sound like a big deal but you were so happy. You had no idea if he was feeling the same or not but even the thought of seeing him again made you giggle. You doubted if you would be able to sleep that night.

Danny went to sleep right after you. You got up quite early which didn’t surprise you. You barely slept that night. You were very happy and very scared about this meeting.You were hoping Sam had feelings for you but maybe that was not the case. The way he reacted though when you parted showed you that his feelings were more than friendship. Still he could just be trying not to lose a good friendship ( if that was possibleafter having sex). That thought made you feel disappointed and you didn’t want that to be the case. You were trying not to keep your hopes up but it was hard. After all, you were in love. When you got up you got dressed and you did all the things you did when you were trying to make yourself look more beautiful. You wanted to impress him. You wanted him to look at you stunned but you knew that you would probably be the one to look stunned. You went down the stairs and you decided to go for breakfast at a diner since there was nothing in the kitchen. You woke up Danny to come with you. He didn’t really like the idea. What a sleepy head! You texted Sam the location while Danny was getting dressed. You asked him to meet you there. You didn’t tell him anything about Danny. You would introduce them to each other there. You didn’t really thing they would like each other but who knows. You could be wrong.

You walked in the diner and sat at the bar. Danny always liked the bar and you didn’t want to ruin it for him. You turned a bit so you could face both Danny and the door. You ordered and Danny started talking about a friend of his who had a wild night out and well... you didn’t hear the rest. You were checking the door every five seconds. You barely touched your coffee and your hands were nervously playing with your top. You were there for an hour but It felt like eternity. Every time you heard the door your heart would skip a beat. And suddenly as Danny was talking and you took another quick look at the door the door opened once more. And this time it was a tall figure you knew all too well. So tall. So handsome. He did get you stunned. At first your heart flattered like it was about to fly out of your chest. And then it sank. Sam turned so you could see his face. His eye was black and you noticed a difficulty turning his body. It was very slight but you knew every single move he made. And of course you noticed. He was in pain which ment bruised ribs most likely. You immediately got so worried. What happened to him? A bad case most likely. He was bit up and you weren’t there. Your mind created all kinds of scenarions. All the ways he could be hurt and you couldn’t see. All the ways he could have been hurt in your absence. You were feeling very protective of him right now. Like you always did actually. But this time it was slightly different. You were feeling terribly attracted to him too. All you wanted to do was to take care of him in any way possible.You tried to resist the impulse to run and hug him.

“ Excuse me...” He said as he was passing by an old woman who was blocking his way. He was smiling slightly. He started searching for you. You were frozen. You were just staring at him.

“Ooooooo! Are you listening to me?” Danny asked waving his hand in front of your face. He hadn’t seen Sam coming in because his back was facing the door. You ignored him and kept staring at Sam. At this moment Sam spotted you and crossed the distance between you giving you a quick smile. You gave him a huge smile in return. You might have blushed too. Danny most certainly noticed.

As Sam got there, He laid a hand on Danny’s shoulder. You saw Danny’s eyes going wide with fear and panic. He gave you a look trying to understand what was going on behind his back.

“ Buddy. Can you give us a minute...?” Sam said to Danny but it wasn’t really a question. His voice was calm and steady. But It was clear he wouldn’t take no for an answer. And you knew he thought that Danny was just a random guy bothering you.

“ No” You started to make things right. “ Danny is ok. He’s helping me with the case.” You said to Sam. “ He is not a hunter but he is of good help when it comes to thinking the case through...”

Sam left Danny’s shoulder and looked at him. And then he looked at you. He swallowed hard. He looked straight into your eyes like he was expecting an explanation for Danny’s presence. You didn’t understand you were just looking at him. And his expression turned grim. He looked down and he left a chuckle.

“ Hey, dude...” Danny said and raised his hand to high five his. Sam just gave him a discouraging look. He was calm. But something wasn’t right. He suddenly was cold. It wasn’t something he said. You were just feeling it. Noone would understand that unless he knew him. And you knew him very well.

“ Ok...” Danny said lowering his hand disappointed. You weren’t expecting that. Well, Sam was always very serious and he probably wouldn’t like a guy like Danny who was always about jokes and awkwardness. And he probably was pissed with you. He thought of Danny as an amateur that you just shouldn’t bring to work on this case. In other words that didn’t go very well.

“ Ok, Let’s go back to your motel. I’ll book a room there...” Sam said looking at you. His voice was cold too. Like something was missing. Like his fondness towards you was almost gone.

“ There is no need for that.” You said smiling trying to get over the feeling of disapointment Sam’s voice gave you. “ You will stay with me at Danny’s.” Danny smiled at Sam. He was intimidated obviously. “ He might not have a pool...” You winked at Danny who chuckled at the memory of that joke. “ But he has two very comfortable guest rooms...” You said that to make things better.You thought that it was better for Sam to stay at Danny’s too so that he wouldn’t have to pay for a room. And of course you wanted him a little closer to you. And you thought he wanted the same. But you were wrong. Sam was looking at you expressionless. After a short pause he answered.

“ Fine...” He raised his hand in what looked like surrender and cleared his throat.

“ Great. I’ll ride with Danny and you follow us to find the house...” You smiled at him. You thought he’d smile back and the bad feeling you had would be gone. He did smile at you but it was a very quick and fake smile. Ok! Now tou were definetely feeling like something was wrong. The smile was gone from your face and your heart dropped slightly. What was going on? If Sam didn’t want to help you with the case he could have said no. And of course this was not about Danny. This was about you. Sam had a lot of people he didn’t like but he never acted like that. Maybe Danny was the last drop to a glass you didn’t know what it was full with. Did you fill that glass? If so how? You thought you two were good? What changed? And when?

“ I’ll wait in the car...” He said and started walking towards the door. You were watching him leave and your heart was beating painfully. You were so happy to see him. You wanted to tell him how you were feeling but now you didn’t think it was a good idea anymore.

You got up and started walking towards the door too. You were feeling empty. You looked at Sam’s back and you felt even worse. You were so in love with him. You never thought he’d treat you this way wether he was in love with you or not. Something happened. But what? What did you do? Danny followed you mumbling in your ear.

“ I thought you said he was a hunter... Not a basketball player.” You turned to look at him and rolled your eyes. You were feeling bad enough without Danny’s nagging. “ What ? I don’t want my ass kicked by the NBA guy...” He continued. “ I wonder who managed to kick **his** ass...” He said stubbornly referring to Sam’s black eye.

“ I can guarantee he won’t kick your ass...” You said and walked away. No matter how pissed he would get Sam would never get violent for no reason.

“ He is very serious... So serious. Like really serious...” You were just letting Danny mumble. You were feeling quite awful and you didn’t care what he was talking about. You knew it was nonsence. All you cared about was Sam. Why would Sam treat you this way? You were struggling to find what you did wrong. You didn’t care what Danny would say. You knew Sam acting like this was not normal. You weren’t really listening to Danny when he suddenly got your attention. “... I can’t see why you like him...”

“ What?” You turned to look at Danny. You felt like he was revealing one of your secrets. One you haven’t even told him. You panicked at his words. Your heart was about to burst. What the hell? Was it really that obvious? Danny backed off a little intimidated by your probably insane expression. You looked down and fixed your top in an attempt to gain your self control and play it right. “ I don’t like him...” You said looking at Danny with a serious expression. More serious than usual. His face slowly lit up by a wide smile. That smile was not a good sign.

“ Riiiighttttt” He said again. He didn’t believe you. You weren’t surprised. You wouldn’t believe you either if you were Danny.You decided to play the “ I’m not in love with Sam” part until Danny would be convinced of your fake honesty. If that would ever happen.So you rolled your eyes and walked the other way. You could feel Danny smiling behind you.

You got in Danny’s car as fast as you could. You were watching Sam sitting in his car in the mirror. He was really calm. Melancholic would be the right word. All you wanted to do was get out of the car and get in his car and hug him. And in the end have him hugging you back. But you couldn’t. You were planning on telling him you were in love with him. Find out finally how he was feeling. But the way he was treating you now only made you doubt. What if he didn’t feel this way. Somewhere inside you believed he did. But if you were right he shouldn’t act like that now. Maybe he was just tired you thought and tried to convince yourself this is the case. The problem is just exhaustion. Exhaustion makes him act like a total jerk. You took a deep breath and decided to give Sam time.

The drive was short and you were back at Danny’s in no time. Sam followed you inside. Danny started showing Sam the house without even leaving the living room. He was just pointing at the direction of every room. You knew Danny. He probably was afraid to be alone with Sam. You can’t blame him. Sam is a huge guy and he doesn’t like Danny one bit. Danny is tall and strong too. But you had to be honest with yourself at least. He was no much for Sam. If you were in Danny’s place you’d be scared too. You couldn’t ignore what a good friend he was, though. He agreed to let Sam stay in his house. Besides his jokes he didn’t have any actual resistance to your decision no matter how scared he was. Not that he was seriously scared. He just had that feeling that he couldn’t push things too far the way he liked. Sam wasn’t you. And if nothing else Danny wasn’t feeling comfortable.

“ And so... ( Y/N) has that room...” He said pointing somewhere up the stairs where your room was. “ And panda here can take the one down the hallway...” He turned to smile at Sam. Sam didn’t appreciate the joke and he gave him a smile which seemed more like a threat than a smile.

“ Oooook!” Danny said and went straight to the kitchen in an attempt to stay away from Sam. He formed “ What the hell?” with his lips to you as he was leaving.

You turned to look at Sam. The sight of his eye was still a punch in the gut. If you could you would protect him from everything. You always felt this way for him. But now it was more... Because when you’re in love the whole world spins around that person and right now that person for you was Sam.

“ Do you want me to take care of that eye...? You asked gently ready to grab his hand and lead him to the couch to nurse him. But before you could move Sam started walking at the desk on the other side of the room.

“ I’m good , thanks...” He said. His voice was not that cold now and he didn’t sound mad at you. But somehow it sounded very different. Like the answer he gave you was the same he would give to anyone who would make that question. You started getting angry. You weren’t anyone. You’ve been through so many things together. Including having sex. And of course you parted as friends if nothing else. You told him you loved him. And he said he loved you too. No matter what extension the word love can take for you both. You explained him why you had to go. You were expecting him to be happy to see you and at first you thought he was. But he doesn’t seem happy now. Ok. Obviously he doesn’t like Danny but he shouldn’t act like this when it comes to you. You weren’t anyone. And you were in love with him. And he was hurting you both as a friend and as a woman. Good friends don’t act like that for no reason. And he obviously doesn’t feel the way you feel about him since he acts this way.

“ Suit yourself...” You replied sounding a little pissed. Yes you were angry with him. But the way he was walking had you staring at him once more. He was so handsome. So strong. And you were so in love with him. You shook your head to wake up from that beautiful dream Sam Winchester was.

“ So what do you have on this case?” He asked and this tone that made you no different to any other hunter was getting you even more pissed. You ignored the feeling. He was probably tired you reminded yourself. You showed him all the research you had done on the coffee table in front of the couch. You moved to sit on the couch and he followed you. You showed him papers and books and then you gave him your laptop to check what you found online.

He placed his hands on the keyboard to type. A normal sight to anyone. But not you. Not now. You noticed scraches on his hands. Like claws. It made you melt inside. All your anger was gone. It was replaced by protectiveness. You just wanted to take care of him. You were staring at his hands and instictively you moved your hand and placed your palm in his palm putting your fingers between his and gently massaging the scratches on them. He didn’t resist. He was just watching you. You didn’t care. You were totally focused on his hands. His hands started moving to gently massage yours. At first you thought he would put your hand away. Instead he just began to massage your fingers. Very gently. You could barely feel it. You lifted your head and looked at him. He looked at you and for the first time since you saw him again he was the Sam winchester you knew. Strong. Steady. Calm. But with the warmth you craved in his eyes. You lost yourself in those eyes. You felt your whole body going numb. Your hand stopped moving and so did his. You moved slightly closer. He was about to do the same. At least that was his intension because once he started moving closer...

“ Hold me now, Don’t cry, Don’t say a word Just...” Danny walked in singing interupting whatever this was. He just looked at you. You wanted to kill him right at this second. You were stabbing him in your mind. He ruined a perfect moment between you and Sam. A moment that would make things easier for you. To tell him how you feel. And he ruined it.

Sam cleared his throat and removed his hand from yours. He got up and you got up too.

“ Is that all?” He asked. And his voice was back to that indifferent tone you so much hated. All the affection you were feeling a minute ago was gone. Anger hit you once more. Why the hell was he acting like that? What the hell did you do wrong?

“ Yes, that’s all...” You tried to sound calm but both men in that room knew you for a long time and they most certainly understood you were pissed. And this time with both of them.

“ All right, thanks...” Sam said in his typical low voice and headed to the desk at the other side of the room with your laptop. Like nothing happened between you. Like he wasn’t about to kiss you. Like you weren’t going to kiss him. He made you feel empty again.

You turned to look at Danny. He was looking at you and then Sam and then back at you. He had a pretend- to- be- inocent smile. But you knew he wasn’t inocent. You knew he ruined the moment on purpose. And the song was not a coincidence either. He wanted you to hear the lyrics. To make you feel uncomfortable. To highlight the fact that you were in love. To highlight the fact that you had something at this moment. And if it was in his hand he will ruin every moment until you admit you’re in love with Sam. If he wasn’t your friend you would have punched him now. But punching him ment admitting you have feelings for Sam too. There was only one thing you can do. Deny everything. Because Danny is one hell of a guy but he is also stubborn and he doesn’t know what discretion means. Ok that last one goes a little too far. But he is a pain in the ass to every guy he knows you like. Thank God he never met Dean. His sence of humor is not the kind most people appreciate.

“ What?” He asked with his fake inocent smile. You gave him an angry look that revealed to him that if you could kill him now you would. You rolled your eyes and went in the kitchen. He followed you. You were so damn angry with him.

“ Come on.” He started “You know you can trust me. Why don’t you just admit it?” He said with a mischievious smile.

It’s true. You could trust him. He could make your life a living hell but he would never go straight to Sam and tell him about your feelings. But you knew he had a thing for inappropriate jokes. And you didn’t want your life to turn into a living hell. And all that if the only thing you tell him is that you like Sam. If he ever found out you had sex with him you would be... in deep trouble.

“ I have nothing to admit....” You said and left the kitchen. It was clear you were angry. Which made clear to Danny that you were head over heels with Sam.

You were in the living room now watching Sam working. Still like nothing happened. He made you so angry. He was acting like you weren’t there. He wasn’t even looking at you. No! You wouldn’t let him win this game. One way or another you’re going to get his attention. And you started with the classic way. Finding something to do around him.

You started cleaning around his desk. Carefully lifting papers and removing dust with your hands or with a cloth you found in the kitchen. He wasn’t looking at you. You were getting even more angry. You were even lifting the papers he was holding. Nothing. It was like you weren’t there. Sometimes he would clear his throat but that was all. Fine you thought. He must be hungry. He was driving all night and he had nothing at the diner obviously.You went back to the kitchen and made his favorite soundwich the way he always liked. He couldn’t resist to that.You brought it to his desk only to get a “ I’m good, thanks...” with him giving you just a quick look. He could resist to that after all.You were getting even more pissed. You left the sandwich there. He will get hungry at some point. You still wanted to take care of him. And that’s why you left the sandwich there. So when he gets hungry he will at least have one of your perfect sandwiches to eat. You went next to him again and pretended to check some papers about that warehouse you went to check two days ago. He didn’t even flinch. He was just working on your laptop. He was getting you so angry. And every time you looked at his hands or his eye you wanted to punch him too. Because he wouldn’t let you take care of him. And he was hurting your feelings. Which made you angry like hell. What did you have to do to get his attention? Again you started to pretend you were cleaning around him. Desk, floor, walls, whatever. As for Danny. He was just sitting on the couch watching you and laughing silently. Sometimes he was giving you that “ give up” look. And finally he got his phone in his hands. You were cleaning right next to Sam at this point. He cleared his throat once more and you removed your hands from your laptop’s screen. You put the cloth you were using at the back pocket of your jeans and started checking some papers again.

“ _I got my mind set on you... I got my mind set on you...”_ The song started playing from Danny’s phone. You immediately turned to look at Danny because you knew this was going for you. He was moking your wasted efforts to get Sam’s attention and your determination to keep trying. You gave him a look so angry you were glad Sam couldn’t see you. Who knows what he would get from that look. That you were so angry at Danny. What conclusion would he get to? He raised his head too, though, to look at Danny and you knew he was angry.

“ Oooops. My bad...” Danny said turning the song off looking at Sam with a huge smile.

You were almost crashing the paper in your hand when Sam turned to look at you. You could tell he was angry. His expression was telling you to make Danny shut the fuck up and if you don’t mind get out of the way cause he was working. His expression wasn’t rude. It was more like asking for help. Help to deal with the great noise pollution Danny was. You didn’t blame him. Danny started acting like a jerk. And all just for you to tell him how you feel about Sam. But Sam hurt your feelings again. And even if you wanted to tell Danny you were in love you weren’t feeling like it anymore. And of course you didn’t want to bother Sam. Not really. You just wanted him to talk to you. And you believed you would get what you wanted long before you become a pain in the ass too. You were wrong. You didn’t want to bother but you did. And as for Danny he should most certainly shut up. You raised your hands in an apology and started walking towards the kitchen. On your way there you looked at Danny. Your look was so intense and so full of rage that you could see fear in Danny’s eyes.You were telling him to get lost before you lose your self-control with your eyes. Danny’s smile was gone from his face. He immediately got the message and got up from the couch.

“ I’m going to have a shower...” He announced and locked himself in the bathroom. In a few minutes you heard the water. And then... Damn. He was singing. And he was loud. You could hear him from the kitchen.

You could hear Sam puff and blow too. He was obviously very annoyed. You were feeling that this was kind of your fault. You insisted on him staying here. You decided to tell him to go to a motel if he wanted. You were feeling totally defeated. Not only you made him angry but Danny was making things worse. And of course Sam refused to give you any attention at all. You were feeling disappointed. And then that little moment with your hands crossed your mind. That little moment in which you could feel he cared for you. And then the moment he told you he loved you. In whatever way he meant that. You snapped.His reaction wasn’t normal. You parted as friends. Why was he acting this way now? Well, you would let him go to a motel if he wanted but before he had to give you some answers. He had no right to hurt your feelings like that and just walk away without an explanation.

You left the kitchen furious. You walked in the living room and got near the desk. Sam was working on your laptop still. He didn’t even look at you as you were getting there. You still felt your heart flattering and you couldn’t help but notice how beautiful he was working on that desk. You ignored those thoughts and focused on your anger and frustration. You crossed your arms on your chest. You really were furious. The words just came out of your mouth. Your voice low and threatening. You weren’t yelling but anyone could understand how upset you were.

“ Ok! Cut the crap now! Tell me what’s going on...” You said and waited for the answer he’d give you. He raised his eyes to look at you for the first time in hours. Judging by that look you knew you wouldn’t like the answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll post the next chapter as soon as I can...  
> Sorry for the delay!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by this song:  
> Munchener Freiheit - Every Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( Y/H/C ) -> Your hair color  
> ( Y/H ) -> Your height  
> ( Y/A ) -> Your age ( or actually the age you'd like)

“ Ok! Cut the crap now! Tell me what’s going on...” Sam raised his head from your laptop. You could say he was angry with you. You didn’t blame him. Danny was still singing and having a headache was inevitable. He just looked at you for a while.Enough to understand he was mad at you and he returned to his work.

You threw your hands in the air and looked at the ceiling in frustration.You didn’t want to push things any further. And he obviously didn’t want to tell you what was wrong and you didn’t want to fight with him. But your movement and the expression on your face made him snap.

He got up and looked at you so pissed and when he talked he wasn’t yelling but it wasn’t the calm voice you were used to.

“ You wanna know what’s wrong?... You could have called...” His voice was attacking you but for the first time since you saw him again he was showing any emotion towards you. Verbaly that is. His answer surprised you, though. You were expecting him to be mad because of Danny or because you were bothering him. Or because he didn’t want to help you in the first place. But that. You didn’t expect. Your face took a puzzled expression in seconds and you were about to ask him what he meant with that but he continued before you could even open your mouth. “ You could have called or text... To say you’re ok. To say you’re fine.” His voice was louder now. He moved from his desk and came closer to you. “ Do you have any idea how I felt when I heard about that girl that was killed in Springfield? (Y/H/C) hair, (Y/H) tall, (Y/A) years old. I was worrried sick...”

You thought about it for a second. Indeed one of the two people that died the previous morning was a young woman matching your description. But you only realised that now! And of course you never thought Sam would assume it was you. First of all...

“ How did you even know I was in Springfield?” You asked him. He threw his hands in the air and shook his head taking his eyes away from you. He scratched his forehead and looked back to you again. A really pissed look.

“ Really? That’s all you got to say?... Well I didn’t. But I knew there was a case here and then I hear a woman died matching **your** description” He said pointing at you for a second. His voice was loud and gruff. You only heard him talk like that when he had fights with Dean. Serious fights. And when those fights occured you were always next to Dean. Because you knew how to calm Dean down. Because you always felt like Dean was the one that needed you. Sam always seemed to figure out things on his own. But now all this anger was for you and because of you and you didn’t know what to do. How to react. You were paralyzed in a way. You were just blinking at him with your eyes wide open. You didn’t know how to deal with him when he was angry. And he was never angry with you before. Not like that. He kind of scared you. And yet he continued. “ How the hell was I supposed to know it wasn’t you? For all I knew you could have caught the case and got yourself killed...”. So that’s why he immediately assumed you were hurt when you spoke on the phone. “ And when you called...” He paused to gain some of his self- control running his hands through his hair and then looking back at you. “ I was already on my way here...” He concluded. He didn’t do a very good job at calming down. His voice was still loud and throaty when he spoke.

You were still paralyzed. Just staring at him. This reaction got you by surprise. But still. This was no reason to treat you the way he was. He knew too damn well why you didn’t call. And how the hell were you supposed to know that he thought you were dead. And still you felt kind of guilty. Because truth was that you could have kept in touch a bit. Just a text not much. Somewhere inside you felt he was right about that part. But even if you admit he was right partly. He had no right to talk to you this way. His tone was very aggressive. And there was no need for that. Or the coldness he’s been giving you since he got there. All those thoughts made you snap out of your dream.You found yourself in an instant. You shook your head and looked back at Sam with an angry look. He was still very upset. You opened your mouth to answer. But right at that second Danny walked in the room with his lower half covered with a towel and once again singing.

“ ...Reaching for the phone cause I can’t fight it anymore...And I wonder if I ever cross your mind...” Both you and Sam turned to look at him. You had to admit he was very beautiful. He’s been working out. Normally you would congratulate him like a good friend would but now you just wanted to slit his throat. Both you and Sam eyed him full of rage both with each other and with him. He paused and raised his hands in surrender and his eyes travelled from Sam to you and back to Sam in a matter of seconds. “ What? You don’t like Lady Antebellum?” He asked you both. You rolled your eyes and turned to look at Sam knowing this was not over. You would continue this heated conversation. Or at least that’s what you thought. Cause when you turned around he ran his hands through his hair and then let them fall next to him. He raised his head and looked at you. You were expecting him to be enraged. You were expecting to see fire in his eyes but the only thing you saw was anger. Cold anger. His look was giving an end to the matter. And soon he confirmed that with his words. He ignored Danny and talked to you.

“ It doesn’t matter.” He said and his voice was low and cold again. That pushed you over the edge. No! This wasn’t over and it most certainly mattered. You opened your mouth to protest but he spoke before you could. “ You’re good here...” He said with the same low voice and took a quick look at Danny as he was saying this. Danny was just watching the scene in front of him. He seemed puzzled and for the first time he realised he caused trouble. But trouble he didn’t mean to cause. He looked at you with a question in his eyes. What was he supposed to do now? Leave, stay? Pretend he doesn’t exist? But you couldn’t answer him. You were furious. You could feel your blood boiling. Sam’s last words made you see red. For a moment you thought you would at least have a big fight and get to the bottom of this. But no! Sam went back to the cold tone he was giving you all day. He completely ignored any attempt of yours to reply to the things he said. And somehow he managed to look like he didn’t care. But that couldn’t be the case after all the things he said. He was scared you were dead. That’s not how you feel when you don’t care about someone. He was just pissed. But the thing is ...So were you. He pissed you off and he wouldn’t even give you the chance to short things out. He just returned to his desk to work on the case. You wanted to screem at him. You could barely keep your anger inside. Dean wouldn’t back off from a fight like that. Sam was very different. And though you knew this was the case, you never had to deal with that before. It was making you nervous. You were very angry with him and at the same time you were trying to figure out what the best way to act was. Well, clearly, you couldn’t have a conversation with him any more. Not without screaming at him. And you didn’t want that.

You turned around furious and went up the stairs to lock yourself in your room. Danny followed you. You could see in his face he was confused and surprised by what he just saw. And what seemed to upset him even more was the fact that it was one of the few times he saw you so pissed with anyone. He tried to make you feel better in his own way. Once you were up the stairs he started talking to you about Sam following you in the hallway upstairs.

“ Screw him... He is cold anyway...” He said with a smile. You ignored him and kept walking.

“ I mean... The guy acts like an iceberg. I still don’t see why you like him...” You didn’t even turn to look at him. There was no point in denying it anymore. The fact that you were so angry with Sam was proof on its own. But you still wouldn’t tell Danny. There was no point in telling him you weren’t in love. He wouldn’t believe you anyway and you were in no mood for another fight. You were sure he would think that you were admitting your feelings this way. But you were wrong. He didn’t notice this lack of resistance. He just kept talking.

“ I wonder how he is in bed...” That got your attention. You didn’t really care about what Danny was saying. But that sentence brought back memories. You couldn’t fight the flashbacks. You were so angry with Sam but the pictures were right in front of you. Making you even more furious. Cause every memory made you want to burry yourself in his chest and make things right immediately.

“ I wonder how sex would be with him... I think you’d like someone more... fiery...” He was just mumbling to calm you down but he actually hit the spot.

“ He is fiery, all right...” You mumbled to yourself. You remmebered some pretty intense moments from that night and the words just came out of your mouth. At first you didn’t realise you said that out loud and you kept walking like nothing happened. But Danny heard you. And once you realised what you said you realised that you couldn’t hear any more footsteps behind you. Shit! You turned around to look at Danny and make up an excuse for what you just said.

He was about three feet away from you biting his lower lip and smiling at the same time. You crossed the distance between you and started talking.

“ Listen...” You began but he shook his head and he interrupted you before you could say anything else.

“ I knew it...” He said with a low voice and a huge smile on his face. You panicked. You knew what that meant. “ I knew it...” He repeated and then he laughed clapping his hands together once. “ You had sex with him...” You felt electricity going through your body from the top of your head to your toes.

“ No, I didn’t...” Your voice was calm but shaking a little.You tried to prove him wrong but your cheeks were going red. The fight with Sam weakened your ability to lie about him. You had to many feelings for him now. It was hard to hide any of them. Danny’s smile got even bigger. “ Don’t be rediculous...” You said hoping that would slow him down.

“ Admit it...” He said to you. You looked around and chuckled trying to hide your panic.

“ I didn’t” You repeated. “ Even the suggestion makes me laugh...” You thought it was a good move topretend the whole thing was stupid but you were wrong. So wrong...

“ Oh really? In that case I should tell Sam what I thought about you two. He might laugh too and he looks like he needs a good laugh.” He said with a smile extended from his lips to his ears.

“ Don’t you dare...” You said pointing your finger at his face. You were terrified now. Danny could most certainly do it. And to your despair he turned around towards the stairs with you trying to catch him. A second later you heard.

“ Oh Sammy? Sammy? I got a question for you...” You paused immediately. Danny was yelling at Sam. He would actually ask him. And on top of that he was calling him _Sammy_. The stupid asshole! He had no idea what he was doing. He had no right to call him _Sammy_. He was just bringing back memories. And no doubt he would piss off Sam even more this way. And the last thing you wanted was to infuriate him even more. You ran behind Danny and you found your way to the stairs. He was already going down! Still yelling.

“ OH! Sam? Sammy...” Sam was right in front of him. He raised his head from the book he was reading and got up. This time he could most certainly punch Danny. You could see rage in his eyes and you could imagine his blood boiling at the sound of his name. Danny calling him _Sammy_? Must be a combination to push him over the edge. Danny stopped in front of Sam as the latter got up from his desk and walked closer to Danny.

“ Buddy, Listen to me...” Sam began and you could hear all the anger he was the trying to control in his low, threatening voice.

“ Sam...” You yelled too. He turned to look at you and he read the apology in your eyes. Apology for Danny. You were on top of the stairs when he looked at you and now you were going down to take Danny away from Sam. Sam removed his eyes from you and looked at the floor with his hands on his waist to control his anger.

“ I just wan’t to ask you something about you and little (Y/N)...” Danny said. It was like he didn’t understand anything about what happened the last two minutes. Sam turned to look at you. You were standing next to Danny now. Sam had some short of panic in his eyes at the sound of what Danny said. Did he realise Danny was about to ask what he was actually about to ask? Maybe it crossed his mind.

“ Do you both like apple juice?” Danny asked and you wanted to punch him right there. Sam gave you a quick look and replied with sarcasm.

“ No, we don’t. ( Y/N) hates it.” Sam said taking some papers from the desk to examine them. His voice was full of anger but low and calm. He answered like Danny was some short of moron that was just getting him angry.

You turned to Danny who seemed pretty pleased with the feeling he created to you and Sam. You were furious with him now. More than ever before. He crossed the line. And it was ok when he was doing this with you but Sam... you wouldn’t let him cross the line with Sam. You formed with your lips “ Kitchen now” and he moved straight to the kitchen smiling. Once he was gone Sam turned to you.

“ Give him a sedative now, will you?” His voice was low but not that cold. And you couldn’t ignore the fact that he was joking with you. That got you by surprise. A happy surprise. Maybe he was feeling bad about the way he talked to you earlier. You just looked at him a little longer than normal. And he didn’t look away. After a small moment he took a deep breath and looked back at the papers in his hands. You turned around and walked in the kitchen closing the door.

You turned to look at Danny who was still smiling. Someone would think he would have understood what he did by now and he would have at least stopped smiling. But he didn’t and you were through with his behaviour. You didn’t mind Danny acting like that when it comes to you. It was your way of communication. But he should know by now that your friends are off limits. And you tried with those enraged looks to make him see that. Or rather respect it cause you were pretty sure he already knew he shouldn’t act like that when it comes to Sam. Now you were very furious. And for that moment you were feeling you didn’t care what would happen. This stupid situation with Danny behaving like that had to end. And the only way to do that is to show him how angry he really made you. So you started an argument in a low voice. Your voice just loud enough so Sam couldn’t hear you. And after all you didn’t need to yell. The fire in your eyes was more than enough to scare Danny.

“ Ok! You wanna know if I slept with him? YES I DID!” You said biting your lip angrily. “ And you wanna know why? You were right! I’m in love with him!” You were taking steps towards Danny while you were talking. Though, your voice was not loud your tone had such fight in it that Danny’s smile disappeared even though you were actually confirming his latest amusement. He was just blinking at your outburst waiting for you to continue to understand if that was an act or if you were actually seeing red right now. “ But that gives you no right, NO RIGHT, to act like that in front of Sam and making me feel so embarrassed. You were supposed to be my friend not somebody I need to hide things from. And make no mistake, THIS...” You said and gestured around the room looking at Danny indicating his behaviour. “ This is exactly why I didn’t tell you.” You were close to Danny now. Seeing all this burning fire in your eyes made him take a few steps back.

“ I...I...I’m sorry,little (Y/N)... I didn’t thing it woul...” He started apologising but you interrupted him.

“ No! Save it!” You weren’t interested in his apologies. This time he went too far... Yes he didn’t know but he shouldn’t have pushed things that far in the first place. “ Don’t you dare to call him Sammy again!YOU HEAR ME? Never!”

“ What?” He said and his terrified expression changed to a puzzled one for a moment. He couldn’t understand so you rushed to explain.

“ The only person who EVER had the right to call Sam _Sammy_ was DEAN! Got it? With that inocent joke of yours” You used the word inocent with sarcasm. “You brought back memories. PAINFUL memories. To him and ME! Because we both fucking miss him and I don’t need you to make things worse the way you did!”

“ I’m sorry I...” He began to say once more. He was truly sorry. You could see it in his eyes. But you were full of rage and the thought that what he said hurt Sam was... more than you could handle! You knew Danny hit a very sensitive spot and it was time for him to realise it too.

“ Yeah! I know ! You didn’t know! Well, If you weren’t so eager to find out how I feel, which in the end is my buiseness and my buisness only, we wouldn’t have got to this point... So save it! And if I hear a single word in front of Sam even if it has to do about the fucking weather... We’re through!” You said and you got out from the kitchen without even looking at Danny. You moved to the living room and sat on the couch. You took a deep breath. You didn’t look at Sam. You were most certainly hoping he wouldn’t ask you why you were like that. Probably he wouldn’t because he already knew. He knew why you were mad at Danny. And he knew it was for him. He probably wouldn’t ask. As for Danny. He didn’t dare to come out of the kitchen. In a few moments your rage began to fade. You were feeling calmer and your breathing was returning to normal. The fight was playing in front of you. You were so full of rage. You remembered Danny’s scared expression. And his attempt to apologise. Now that you were feeling calmer you felt kind of bad. You loved Danny and you knew he loved you too. You didn’t really mean that you would end your friendship. It was your anger talking. He was the one to piss you off like that. But you had to admit that the main reason you got that angry was because he called Sam _Sammy_ and he couldn’t have possibly know what that meant for Sam and you! You took a deep breath to relax and chase the guilt away. You couldn’t! You had to make things right with Danny. After all you were pretty sure he learned his lesson. You were about to get up and go back in the kitchen and apologise for your harsh words but...

“ Hey!” Sam said in a low voice. You turned to look at him. He was on your laptop. Once you turned he raised his head to look at you. “ Did you check that warehouse?” Well, at least that was a relief. His tone was back to normal. You wouldn’t say exactly friendly. It was bitter than usual but it wasn’t like before. He wasn’t that cold anymore. Still his voice gave you the impression he was trying to keep some emotional distance between you. That hurt you but this was better than the cold as ice tone he had before. You were more than eager to answer and be helpful and... gentle. Friendly wouldn’t be the right word now, would it?

“ I did and I found nothing...” You got up and turned to face him. Your hands resting on your waist.

“ And the basement?” He asked looking at you. A kinder look you had to say.

“ There was no basement” You said moving close to Sam. You stood behind him to check your laptop’s screen. Sam was looking at an architectural design of the warehouse. There was a basement there but you haven’t found it.

“ Maybe there is something there... We should check it out” He said raising his head to look at you. Your heart flattered when he looked you in the eyes. He didn’t even flinch. He was just watching you with his determined puppy dog eyes waiting for an answer. How the hell was he doing that? You didn’t even know he could do that. One look! One single look and you couldn’t feel your knees. You swallowed and answered trying to keep your voice as steady as possible.

“ Yeah...Yeah we should. I’ll get my keys” You said and started searching for your keys on the coffee table.

“ Car keys? We can take mine...” He said and again his voice was more gentle.

“ House keys actually...” you answered finding the keys. Somehow you were feeling like this answer was wrong. And you were probably right cause Sam’s voice was cold when he answered. Not cold like before. But still cold and gruff.

“ Danny gave me keys just in case...” You answered turning to face Sam.You were feeling like you were apologising but you weren’t sure for what.

Sam nodded. He wasn’t that cold. But still! You were feeling like something was wrong. Of course it was. There was another fight you had to make right. He locked eyes with you for just a second and then he spoke again looking at the door.

“ Let’s go” He had something sad in his voice. It made you wonder and it made you hurt. You were hoping it had to do with your fight cause then you could help with it. Make it right. Or at least you hoped you could.

Danny was still in the kitchen when you left. You just shouted that you were leaving with Sam and got out. He must have heard you. First you went to your car and took Dean’s gun, now your gun, from the back. Then you followed Sam in his car. You didn’t exchange a single word during the drive. You hated that. You were feeling like there was a rift between you. It hurt you. But Sam seemed to treat you better. Maybe he was trying to make up with you. But that wasn’t the kind of vibe you were getting from him. And the Sam Winchester you knew would get straight to the point. He would make things right immediately. And that’s not what he was doing. Was he still mad?

You were concerned for him wether he was still mad or not. You didn’t know how bad his last case was. There was the eye and the hands but rather than that he showed you nothing. What of the wounds you couldn’t see? You decided to take the lead. He didn’t have to know. He would most certainly tell you not to. You woud be discreat but you wouldn’t risk Sam getting hurt again.

You got to that abandoned warehouse. It was night by now. No one seemed to be around. You loaded your gun. Sam did the same. All that without talking. After he was done he looked at you to make sure you were ready. Professional look. You nodded and he moved in front of you. You began to follow him but you walked a little faster to be slightly in front of him.

You went in and slowly headed towards the basement. Your guns ready to shoot anything that moved. Your eyes checking every inch of the building. Anything that could be a threat. You wouldn’t let anything come close to you or Sam. Especially Sam. Sam was like an extension of you. You were feeling where he was in the room every single moment without having to look at him. Maybe because you wanted to protect him so much. He wouldn’t like that if he knew but you didn’t care. You would try to avoid more conflinct though. The room was dirty and smelled awful. There was a door in front of you. The basement was that way. You turned your head to look at Sam. He nodded with his head meaning both of you to go in. But before you could move you heard a sound from behind. You and Sam looked at each other. Maybe you found what you were looking for. You both turned around with your guns ready to shoot anyone standing there but...

“ Oh! Guys... It’s just me...” Danny said raising his hands in surrender.

“ What the hell?” You asked scared. “ We almost shoot you...”

“ We must test him.” Sam said looking at you. You looked at Danny for a second. Sam was right. Danny had a puzzled look on his face but it could just be an act. You didn’t know what you were hunting. What if that wasn’t Danny. You stepped forward getting your silver knife from your back pocket. You took Danny’s arm in your hand.

“ Aaa! What are you doing?” Danny asked scared. You didn’t answer. You just left a small cut on his hand. No shifter.

“ AOU!!!!” Danny said in pain. He looked wierded out. And before he could react Sam bathed him in holy water. No demon. So it’s just your friend.

“ Are you both nuts? What do you think you’re doing?” He said in panic.

“ What do **we** think we’re doing? What do **you** think you’re doing? You shouldn’t be here.” You said keeping your voice as low as you could. But you were angry! And scared for Danny. You couldn’t hunt and protect him at the same time. You had to protect Sam too. How could you do both?

Danny lowered his head and then looked back at you. A sad look. A sincere look.

“ I thought If I help...Well, Maybe you’ll forgive me...” He was more serious than you’ve ever seen him. All your anger for him was gone. He was hurt and you could see it in his eyes. He wanted to make up for his behaviour. He picked a stupid way to do it for sure. But he was trying and you just couldn’t help but hugging him. You wrapped your arms around him.He hugged you back.

“ I’m sorry...” He wispered in your ear. He really was sorry.

“ I know...” You answered him. You pulled away from the hug and smiled at him. He smiled back. You turned to look at Sam. He wasn’t looking at you. You looked back at Danny. He asked you with his eyes if things were getting better with Sam. Yu looked back at him and shook your head to tell him _no_. And suddenly...

“ ( Y/N)!!!!” Sam’s voice panicked, loud and throaty.You tried to turn your head to see what was going on but before you could, something threw you on the wall. For a moment you felt like floating and then there was a huge pain in the back of your head. You hit the wall. And then the floor. You tried to see what happened but everything was blurry. And they soon turned black. You lost consciousness.

You felt somebody tapping your cheek. That was the first thing you felt and after that you slowly started feeling your legs and your hands. They were heavy. You were feeling sore. Your eyelids were heavy too. You couldn’t open your eyes. You felt the tapping again. Gentle but urgent. This time accompanied by a voice.

“ Hey, Hey,Hey...Wake up. Wake up... ( Y/N)!” Sam’s voice hit your ears. His voice was louder than usual and gruff. You could hear the agony behind his words. You realised that it was his hand tapping your cheek. And you realised that his other hand was holding the back of your neck. To steady your head. His hand was so big comparing to your head that you could feel his thumb gently caressing your other cheek. Not much. You were sure he wasn’t aware of that movement. It was subconscious. You felt your heart flattering. You opened your eyes instantly.

Everything was blurry. You could see Sam in front of you but you couldn’t make out any details.You could also understand that it was quite dark in the room. Where you still in the warehouse? You had to be. You wouldn’t be on the floor if that wasn’t the case. You would probably be lying on a couch. Your vision was back to normal in a matter of seconds. You immediately move to a sitting position but the movement was too sudden. Your head hurt unbelievably much. You closed your eyes and pressed your palms on them leaving a sound of pain. You could feel Sam in front of you. And then you heard him.

“ Oh...Slow down...Are you all right...?” His voice had the urgency it had before. Still throaty. You removed your hands from your eyes once the pain on your head stopped and opened them. You looked at Sam. His mouth was half open and his eyes were looking straight into yours eagerly looking for a sign. A sign that you were fine or the exact opposite. His hand was still at the back of your neck more relaxed, though.

“ I’m fine.” You said and he removed his hand from your neck. Your vision got blurry again and you burried your face in your hands. “ What happened?” You asked.

“ The werewolf knocked you out...” Sam answered. You couldn’t see him but you could hear he was calmer. His voice was low again and now it wasn’t that gruff. You started processing the information. So what knocked you out was a werewolf. What you were hunting was a werewolf. Sam must have got him. Or not? Wait a second...

“ Are you hurt?” You asked removing your hands from your face to look at him. You could see clearly once again. Sam looked away from you.You couldn’t see anything that wasn’t there before. The black eye and the scratches on his hands were there before.Though, you new he probably wasn’t hurt your heart skipped a beat at the thought. He answered and confirmed your assumption.

“ No...Just a scratch...” He said and rubbed his left hand with his right. You looked at it. Indeed there was a fresh scratch there. First you thanked God in your head it wasn’t anything more. And then you remembered he didn’t let you take care of the previous ones. You felt hurt again. You knew he wouldn’t let you take care of this one either. So your voice sounded bitter when you answered.

“ Yes...I see. The new addition to the collection...” You replied looking at his hands. Sam took a quick look at his hands and he didn’t answer. He was still not looking at you. You had the feeling he was lost in his thoughts. You didn’t really care at the time. You were very relieved now you new that he wasn’t seriously hurt. You looked around a bit. Your vision turned blurry for less than a second at random times. It made you feel dizzy. You weren’t ready to stand up fully. So you decided to ask about the case. “ So...It was a werewolf after all...”

“Actually...” Sam started turning to face you briefly. At that moment you felt like emotionaly he was closer to you. Like his voice was back to its normal soft tone.But something inside you was protesting. Like he was still keeping his distance. Your felt pain and flattering in your heart at the same time. You turned your head to look at him. “ You were right... It was both a werewolf and a vamp. They tought they could work together and feed on the same victims...but it didn’t work out the way they wanted and they managed to get on our radar...” Sam concluded.

“ Sick...” You replied. You turned around a bit thinking about what you just heard. You felt stronger. You wanted to try and stand up. But before trying you looked around once more. Something wasn’t right. Something was missing. Like you were forgetting something. You took a puzzled look trying to remember what was that you were forgetting. And suddenly it hit you. You turned to look at Sam.

“ Where is Danny?” Your voice was low and your eyes half shut in concentration. You sounded like you were suspecting Sam of something. And you were. You were suspecting him of not telling you what happened to Danny. If Danny was there he would most certainly make his presence noticed.And if not? Where the hell was he? And why was Sam hesitating to answer? He swallowed hard and looked briefly to the ground before answering.

“ Hospital...” He said and his voice was gruff again. Your eyes turned wide open and your jaw dropped a bit. Why the hell was he in the hospital? Did he manage to get hurt? How bad was it?

“ WHAT!!!” You said and your voice was quite loud. Danny was your friend. You didn’t want him to get hurt. You were feeling guilty for bringing him on the case in the first place.

“ After you the werewolf turned to him. He broke his arm and he ran.... He got into a cab and went to the hospital... His fine he texted me ten minutes ago...” Sam answered and his voice was soft and cold again. Was that because he didn’t like Danny? You sighed in relief. It could have been a lot worse. He was lucky. But it was kind of your fault he was in danger from the beggining. You turned to look at Sam. He looked hurt. He took his eyes way from you once more. Why on earth would he be hurt? No. That makes no sence. You misunderstood the look. It was... pain? How bad did you look for him to be in pain? “ Come on...” He said and put his hand under your arms to lift you up. You grabbed his shirt to hold on. Once you were on your feet he released you to see if you can stand. For a moment you felt like you would fall and took a step back. Sam was there to hold you but he didn’t have to. You got your balance back almost immediately. “ I’ll drive you to the hospital...” He said and his voice was gruff and cold again. And you thought you were making progress a couple of hours ago... You took a deep breath and answered.

“ I’m pretty sure Danny can make it withought me for one night. I just want to sleep.” You said and closed your eyes because of exhaustion.

“ I won’t drive you to the hospital for Danny... I’ll drive you for you...” Sam said to you like he was explaining the simplest thing in the world. But you didn’t want to go. You wanted to go home and sleep.

“ No... I just want to sleep...” You said. And he protested immediately.

“ ( Y/N) you’re bleeding...” his voice had this urgency again. Something you could see in his eyes too. When he finished his sentence you noticed something for the first time. There was a small amount of blood were you were lying a minute ago. You raised your hand to feel the back of your head. Indeed there was a wound and you could feel dry blood on your hair. But no fresh blood. No more dizziness. No more headache. No memory loss. You were fine. The worst thing you could have was a concusion.

“ No... I want to go back at Danny’s...”You replied firmly.

“ But...” Sam began to say but you interrupted him.

“ I said no!” You yelled. He stopped talking immediately. He gave you a pissed look. If it was on his hand you would already be at the hospital. But he knew that he couldn’t change your mind once you decide against something. That’s why he looked like he was chocking. He was pissed at you but he knew the only way to take you there now would be by force and he didn’t want that. You on the other hand wouldn’t change your mind on this one. First of all because you felt like there was no reason for you to get there. And secondly because you had a fear of hospitals and doctors. You would visit a hospital and a doctor for sure. But it had to be a damn good reason. And a scratch on the back of your head didn’t seem like one.

You walked passed Sam. He started following you as you were walking to the car. You could see he was pissed again. But that was not the real reason and you knew that. Sure your denial to go to the hospital pissed him off again. But his real problem was the dumb fight you had. You could understand that. But the way he was acting started to piss you off again. You got into the car and you waited for him. Once he was in he started the car immediately without even looking at you. That pissed you more. The drive was silent. You were both angry and in no mood to talk. Once you were back at Danny’s you entered the house and sat on the couch. You put your head between your legs. You started to feel pain at the back of your head during the drive. Sam went straight to the kitchen. A minute ago he sat next to you on the couch.

“ Here...” He said. His voice was low and cold. Like when he first got here. You raised your head to look at him. He was holding an ice pack. Once you raised your head he gently placed the ice on your wound and waited for you to hold it. You held the ice. Sam was sitting next to you. It’s been about five minutes in silence. You were looking at him sometimes but he was like a statue. Staring in front of him. Your heart was beating painfully. You didn’t deserve that. You knew this was because of the fight you had. Or rather the fight he had with you because he didn’t exactly let you speak.

The ice relieved the pain. You closed your eyes for a brief moment in relief. And in that brief moment you heard it.

“ Call me if you need anything...” Sam’s voice low, gruff and colder than ever before. You opened your eyes immediately. Your heart dropped and started beating faster than ever before. Painfully... You felt like chocking and you wanted to cry. You could feel your eyes starting to burn and hurt. What was he talking about? Was he leaving? Why the hell was he leaving? How mad could he be because you didn’t call? What was he thinking that he was the only one worried? Your pain turned to rage in no time. He wanted to leave? Fine! But he would here you out first. This was your time. He didn’t listen to you before. He will listen to you now wether he likes it or not. He can go and never come back but first you are going to give him a piece of your mind.

He was already standing up. But before he could take a step away from the couch you got up and threw the ice pack God knows where. He turned to look at you immediately. You heard the ice somewhere on the floor. You didn’t give a damn.

“ You think I wasn’t worried?” You started saying getting closer to him. Your voice was trembling in distress. “ I was worried about you too , you know. But unlike you, I understand why you didn’t call and I DON’T BLAME YOU FOR IT. But don’t you think for a second that I WAS NOT WORRIED!” You were yelling now. You were one step away from him. His face had a pained but firm expression. He opened his mouth to say something but you interupted him. “ NO! This time you don’t get to talk. It’s my turn. I get it you’re mad. But so AM I! And I get it you got scared! But so DID I!You didn’t let me talk before but now you’re going to listen to me! And you won’t interrupt me! Got it?” Sam closed his mouth and looked at you. His eyes wide open. He was standing tall and strong infront of you. But he didn’t try to talk. You took a step closer “ Do you have ANY IDEA how I felt? How I felt when you walked in with your eye black and scratches on your hands and don’t you dare to lie to me because I BET MY ASS that those ribs are at least bruised.” You said gesturing at his eye and his hands. And that sight made you bring all your worry for him on the surface. He swallowed hard. “ Do you have ANY IDEA HOW I FELT? I was worried sick! You wanna know why?” You were so close now you could feel his heavy ,deep and steady breaths.And you put your feelings into words.“ Because if anything happens to YOU I’M DONE! Because I’ll DIE if anything happens to you...” You said poking his chest with your fingers highlighting every word. He didn’t even move. You could only hear him breathe. You looked his pained expression He was looking straight into your eyes. Your heart was about to burst. “ Because I FUCKING care for you! BECAUSE I’M FUCKING IN LOVE WITH YOU!” You didn’t exactly realise the words coming out of your mouth or what you did next. Your heart was beating stronger than ever before and without a second thought you grabbed the collar of his shirt. You raised your feet to stand on your toes. You got your face close to his in less than a second and pressed your lips to his...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for the delay.  
> I'm really busy these days.  
> I'll post the next chapter next week for sure!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by this song :  
> Westlife - What about now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you all for your support....

You pressed your lips on his ever so lightly. Your kiss was soft and easy. Your hands still holding the collar of his shirt. You waited for him to hold you and kiss you back. But Sam was like a statue. He wasn’t moving his lips. He wasn’t moving his hands. He wasn’t moving at all. Your heart sank. The beat was slow and painful. Sam wasn’t responding. Which means he doesn’t feel he same. He was denying your kiss and you. You felt so hurt. You softened your grip on his shirt. You were ready to pull back. Pull back and dissappear. Leave the room immediately. Hide. From yourself and from Sam. You were feeling humiliated and rejected.

But just as you were ready to let his lips go he moved his. He closed your lower lip in his in a soft kiss and at the same time lowered his head to you so that you could fully step on the floor. Your heart skipped a bit. You slowly wrapped your arms around his neck and you felt his holding your waist. His grip was soft but you could feel the tension in his fingers.

You bend your hands and cupped his neck as his lips were still moving against yours.You reached for his hair with your fingers. You slowly brushed the hair at the back of his neck. You felt his hands moving instincively to bring you closer. Your heart was beating really fast. But every beat was lighter than the other. Like your heart was floating. Or rather flying. Inside you and around you. You could hear it in your ears. Every movement of Sam’s lips against yours made your heart leave such a strong beat that it was almost physically painfull. But it was the sweatest pain. You moved your hands to cup his neck again, pulling him closer desperate for this kiss to last. You felt his hands pressing you against his chest.

And then....

Your phone rang. You pulled back in a sudden move startled by the sound. It took you a while to understand what happened. It was like you just woke up from the most beautiful dream. Sam took a step away from you.You felt your phone vibrating in the back pocket of your jeans. Sam was not looking at you. He ran his hands through his hair. Then he brushed his face with his left hand like he was trying to wake up from something. You reached for your phone and answered the call without checking the name. You placed your phone on your ear looking at Sam who was now looking at you with the pained expression he had before. But you could see he was not angry anymore. He was tall and handsome standing infront of you. And though he was upset his expression was firm. And he wasn’t hesitating to look at you. He was looking straight into your eyes sending heatwaves to your cheeks. You were looking back at him fully understanding what the moment you just had was. Sam had feelings for you too. Your heart was still beating fast. But you were feeling like your heart wasn’t the only one beating like that in that room. And sharing that feeling made you feel safe and stong and sure about yourself and him. Like you could fall into his arms right now and he would wrap his arms around you to hold you for as long as you’d want to stay. And you would do that if Danny hadn’t called...

“ WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?” He screamed in your ear. He sounded frantic.

“ I’m at home with Sam...” You started explaining trying to understand why he was so upset. He was yelling so loud that his voice could be heard in the living room. And then you remembered. You brought your hand on your forehead in shock. Danny was afraid of hospitals too but his fear was way worse than yours. He actually had panic attacks when he was alone in a hospital. He was losing control. It was his worst nightmare. And the fact that the cursed object you saved him from was a lancet doesn’t help. That’s why he was yelling. He was panicing. And he called the only person that was so close to him. He was so upset he completely forgot you were hurt too. You looked at Sam and he read the guilt and the panic in your eyes. He took a puzzled look trying to understand why you looked like that.

“ Alone?” Danny interrupted you. The question surprised you. Who else could be here besides Sam? He was in so much panic he didn’t know what he was talking about.

“ Yes...” You answered him but you didn’t even manage to finish the word.

“ SERIOUSLY? I’M IN A HOSPITAL AND YOU’RE HAVING SEX?” Your eyes turned wide open and your heart skipped a beat. Sam’s eyes turned wide open and looked at you shaken.

“ I’m not having se...” You tried to explain but he wasn’t in condition to let you speak.

“ IT WOULDN’T BE THE FIRST TIME! HOW COULD YOU? I’M LYING ON A BED....” He started blabbering in such a loud voice you held your phone away from your ear. But Sam heard what Danny said.

“ You told him?” He asked shocked stepping closer to you. His voice was low but gruff.

“ He guessed!” You said apologetically as Danny was still talking on the phone. Sam brushed his face with his hand again in an attempt to calm down. You were feeling like you were fighting to mentain piece in two fronts. First it was Danny who thought you left him rot in a hospital to have sex with Sam. And then there was Sam who was mad at you for telling your annoying friend that you slept with him. You tried to calm Danny down but he wouldn’t listen to you. Sam was just looking at you trying to soothe Danny. He hesitated for a second and then he took the phone from your hands and talked to Danny.

“ Danny, We’ll be there in five.” He said firmly and hang up. His voice low and throaty. He turned to you and you were happy to see he wasn’t pissed as hell like you thought he would be. He took a deep breath and gave you your phone back.

“ Come on...” He said and you were happy to hear that his voice was soft and warm now. Nothing like the way he spoke to you half an hour ago. And he wasn’t angry either. But he was in pain. You could hear it. You could see it in his face. Why would he be in pain? You just shared an amazing kiss with him. And he kissed you back. Why would he be in pain?

You stepped out of the house and entered Sam’s car. A moment later he got in too. You didn’t exchange a single word. He was focused on driving and you were lost in your thoughts. He had no apparent reason to have this pained look on his face. He has to have feelings for you? Why else would he kiss you back? And you felt it. You felt you had a connection with him. He shared your feelings. He shared your kiss... Unless he didn’t want to... Your heart sank and it started beating slowly and painfully once more. Yes, He had feelings for you just like you had feelings for him. His actions prove that. But they prove something else too. He probably doesn’t want those feelings. You turned to look at him for a second. You felt your heart flattering once again. And you realised that this was a flattering he was feeling too but he probably didn’t want. He didn’t want to feel this way about you. And he was trying to resist since he got there. You broke his defense when you kissed him. A kiss he didn’t want to give you. So though he was feeling this way he would reject you. You felt hurt again. And you couldn’t help but wonder why was he feeling this way.You looked outside the window and you saw your face in the car’s mirror. Now **you** had the pained expression on your face. You took a deep breath and tried to contain the tears in your eyes.

You were at the hospital in no time. Sam stepped out of the car and waited for you to head to the reception. You could still feel your heart beating slowly. And you could feel a small pain on your chest as you were walking. Sam was walking slightly behind you and you could feel he was there to keep you from falling in case you felt dizzy. You hit your head less than two hours ago and he knew you could feel dizzy even if you claimed you wouldn’t. He made you feel safe and at that point you hated that safety. You were feeling like you wanted to lay your head on his chest to show him how good what he was doing made you feel. But he probably didn’t want you too. And honestly you weren’t sure if you wanted it too at the time. Knowing that he didn’t want you to show him any affection made you feel so hurt.

“ How can I help you?” The woman at the reception asked.

“ Hi, We’re looking for Daniel Harrison.” Sam said and the woman searched in her computer for the name.

“ Yeah. Found him. Room 104” She said to you with a smile.

“ Thanks” You said and you and Sam stepped away. You turned to Sam.

“ Can you do me a favor?” You asked. He still had that pained expression on his face. And so did you.

“ Yeah...” He replied ready to hear what you had to ask. His voice low and soft.

“ Can you please buy Danny some coffee? It calms him down...” You said and Sam’s face took a puzzled expression.

“ Don’t ask...” You said and rolled your eyes.

“ All right,” Sam chuckled melancholically. “ I’ll bring it to you” He said and turned around to leave. You walked the opposite direction to get to Danny’s room. You found the room pretty easily. You stood outside the door. You were feeling very sad and you were certain you had a very grim expression on your face. You were there to calm Danny down not to make thngs worse. You shook your head and took a deep breath. A tear left your eye and you wiped it off immediately. You smiled a forced smile and you opened the door.

Danny was lying on the bed. His hand was wrapped and so were his ribs. When you got in he turned his head to look at you.

“ Hey...” He said and his tone was very calm and serious. You froze. You gave him a confused look. He didn’t seem at all like the Danny that called you to get there as soon as you could. You processed the information and made the obvious question.

“ Did they drug you?” You asked crossing the room to sit next to him.

“ Yeah...” He laughed. Somehow hearing Danny laugh took some of your pain away. You were so consumed by your thoughts about Sam and you needed to let it go for a while. And Danny was the best at making you feel better. Without even realising it. You smiled at him. “ So as I was saying.” He started talking with a smile on his face. “ I have a broken arm and I also have bruised ribs. Boy... those hurt a lot too...and...” He paused. He looked at you. He pointed at you with his other hand. A puzzled look on his face and then a huge smile. You were confused but he explained immediately. “ You kissed him ,didn’t you?”

“ WHAT? How....?” Your eyes turned wide open. Your heart skipped a beat and your jaw dropped. How did he figure it out? You didn’t say anything. You just smiled. How?

“ Your smile! Is different...” He laughed. You were still shocked. How could your smile be different? You were about to ask but Danny continued before you could say anything “ So , come on tell me everything...”. You closed your mouth and shook your head. You looked at him. He was staring at you with his eyes wide open biting his lower lip. Like a kid waiting to hear a fairytale. You smiled at his eagerness.

“ Well...” You started. You were reliving the moment in your head. Soon your smile was gone. You remembered Sam’s pained and shocked expression when you pulled away. Not even a smile. You lowered your head and looked at your hands.

“ Oh!” Danny said understanding that something was wrong. “ What? He didn’t kiss you back?” He asked.

“ No, He did kiss me back...” You said taking a deep breath and raising your head to look at Danny.

“ Then what’s wrong?” He asked you confused. You wanted to answer but you didn’t know how to say it. You chuckled melancholically and then rubbed your forehead with your hand. You didn’t know what to tell him. That Sam didn’t really want you? That he was in love with you but he didn’t really want that? You just looked at Danny unable to find words to describe your feelings.

“ Listen, I don’t know what’s wrong and what’s bothering you so much...” He began and he was more serious than you’ve ever heard him before. “ But let me tell you what I saw... When that thing knocked you down... He was so damn worried...” He thought about it for a second without really looking at you. A moment later he gigled. “ I mean your mom would be less worried...” He joked and to your surprise he actually made you laugh. And that laugh triggered something inside you. Something inside you felt lighter. You thought about Danny’s words. Danny was right. Sam did care about you and it was easy for you to imagine a worried Sam trying to wake up your unresponsive self. You felt better and thought about the matter again.What if you were wrong? What if Sam had this pained expression on his face for something completely different. What if he was upset for something else? A hunt maybe? Or the wound on your head! Just because you forgot about it doesn’t mean it’s not there. And Sam would never forget that you were injured. Not after denying to go to the hospital. You realised you jumped into conclusions. After all Sam wasn’t giving you that cold vibe anymore. Not since your kiss. It just doesn’t make any sence. Yes, there is still a possibility that your first assumption was correct. There is still a possibility that Sam doesn’t want to be in love with you. But it’s not the only possibility. Maybe you were wrong. And the only way to know is to talk with Sam. Openly. Discuss everything. And if he really doesn’t want to feel this way (Your heart skipped a beat at the thought) Then you’ll deal with it. You took a deep breath and smiled at Danny. That amazing friend of yours made you feel better once more. How on earth was he doing that? “ And I’m the worst friend in the history of friends...” He said to you smiling. If he only knew you were thinking the exact opposite...You made a confused expression. “ I didn’t even ask how your head was...” He explained “ I deserve a slap for that! Come on slap me...” He said gesturing at his cheek with his good hand. You knew that he was doing that not only because he was feeling kind of guilty. He was doing it because it was his way of cheering you up. Even looking at the grimaces he was making waiting for the slap made you laugh. “ Don’t laugh... I ‘m serious...” He said with an unusual thin voice pretending to be offended. You couldn’t stop laughing for a while and once you could talk again you answered.

“ I think reminding you that you’re in a hospital and you need me to keep you company so that you won’t freak is punishment enough...” You said and you saw him looking at you with his eyes wide open in fake rage.

“ Oh, You’re evil ,little (Y/N)!” You laughed again. And then he continued with his face just as rediculous as before. “ But I won’t accept this punishment! NO! You , little ( Y/N)! You take your panda” A reference to Sam’s black eye again. “ And you go home! To talk or have sex or both” He said pretending that he was actually trying to choose what would be best for you. You laughed.

“ You can’t make it in the hospital alone...” You said with no intention to leave him. He moved his hand in front of his face like what you were saying was not important.

“ No! I’ll be fine... They’ll drug me again...” He said and you felt your heart melt. You knew he was terrified of spending the night alone in the hospital. And yet he was willing to do it so that you could talk to Sam. That’s why you loved Danny. Because despite his flaws he was the best friend you could ever hope for. Because when he knew that something was inmportant to you he made you priority. He put his needs aside for you to be happy. And you were willing to do the same for him. And you would. The sunrise would be there in half an hour or so. Danny wouldn’t have a problem in the morning. You would go back home with Sam and if you could talk then so be it. If not it made no difference to you. You would be back early in the afternoon and spend the whole night with Danny. You looked at him and smiled. It was a calm and very greatful smile. Not because of the sacrifice he was willing to do for you. Because you had such a great friend that was willing to do something like that for you.

“ What? Why are you smiling?... Do I have something on my face?” He asked you with his rediculous grimaces. But you knew he was serious inside. And he understood perfectly why you were smiling. You carefully leaned on him and hugged him. He rested his cheek on your hair and he hugged you back with his good hand. You were holding each other like that for a couple of seconds when you heard someone clearing his throat from the door.

You could recognise this sound anywhere. You got up and turned to look at Sam. He had the firm expression he usually has. He was holding Danny’s coffee. He walked in and stood next to Danny’s bed. You crossed the distance and stood next to Sam.

“ Here. I brought your coffee...” Sam said with a low and tired voice and he gave the cup to Danny. Danny took the cup from his hands with a surprised look on his face. He turned to look at you.

“ You told him to bring coffee? Oh! Little ( Y/N), you’re amazing...” He said and took a ship of his coffee like it was the best think he could ever drink. You noticed Sam’s face getting a little confused at the sound of your nickname. But he was back to normal so fast you weren’t sure if you saw it or not. “ So... you guys go... and I’ll see you again tonight...” Danny said. Sam looked at you confused.

“ You’re not staying?” He asked you. You opened your mouth to answer but Danny spoke before you could.

“ No! She is very tired...” He said and drunk from his coffee again looking at you and Sam.

“ All right...” Sam answered and looked at you “ Let’s go” His tone was colder again and his face expressionless. You felt like somebody punched your gut but you didn’t show any reaction. Sam walked out the door but you stood at the door. You looked at Danny and formed with your lips a “ Thank you”. “ Go!” He formed with his lips too and shooed you with his hands. You closed the door behind you and followed Sam to the car.

Once you were both in he talked to you without looking at you.

“ Are you sure you don’t want to stay? Check your head?” He still wanted you to take care of your head at the hospital. But you didn’t. Now that he mentioned it you were feeling some pain but nothing you couldn’t handle. There was no need for staying. And Of course you didn’t like hospitals. And that was another reason not to stay. But the basic one was that staying ment you wouldn’t have the chance to talk with him.

“ No. I’m good...” You said and Sam started the engine. You could see it in his face that he didn’t like your answer. He looked hurt and pissed. You took a deep breath and soothed yourself thinking that soon you would clear things out with him.

The drive was silent once again. Non of you spoke. You got home very fast.Sam got out of the car and waited for you to get out. You walked towards the door with Sam following you and opened the door with the keys Danny gave you. You walked in and held the door open for Sam to enter. He entered and walked past you. You closed the door and turned around to look at Sam. You expected to see him on the couch or heading to the kitchen or even waiting for you to talk. But you certainly didn’t expect to see him packing his stuff. Your jaw dropped. He was leaving. Your heart sank. You were ready to speak but he spoke before you could.

“ Like I said” He said turning to face you with his bag hanging from his shoulder. “ Call me if you need anything.” His voice was cold again as he was saying those words. But his expression when he looked at you was serious and hurt.

“ You’re still leaving?” You said shocked stepping a little closer to him. “ We’re not going to talk about it?” Your heart was beating like a drum. You were actually trying to talk with Sam about that kiss and actually his feelings for the first time. You hesitated to use the word kiss and not because you were ashamed or scared. Because you didn’t know how to handle the situation and you didn’t want to push Sam to talk if he was not ready. You decided that this approach would be the best to start this talk. But Sam leaving was ending the conversation before it even began. He was ending everything before it even began. And your heart was jumping in your chest for an explanation. You wanted to get to the point and you were scared you lost the only chance you had to do it. But Sam surprised you getting to the pont himself.

“ What do you want me to say? That I’m in love with you? You’re right! I am...” His expression was full of determination and pain. And so was his voice. Calm and full of emotion but it wasn’t allowing you to talk. You barely realised what Sam just said since he spoke again almost immediately. “ But You...kissing me?... Telling me that you’re in love with me when you’re with Danny?...” Your eyes turned wide open as you just began to realise what was going on. Your heart beating twice as fast as it did before. “ I can’t do that...” He said and though his expression was determined you could see all the confused emotions and pain in his eyes. You couldn’t speak. You were shocked. Sam hesitated for a second and then he walked past you towards the door. His arm accidentally brushing yours as he was walking to leave.

You still had the look of utter surprise and shock on your face. Your eyes wide open staring at the wall without actually staring. Your mouth slightly open. Your heart beating fast ,once in a while giving you physically painfull beats. So Sam was in love with you. But he thought you were in a relationship with Danny? You shook your head slightly. That’s why he’s been acting like this. He was jealous. And what you very correctly guessed that was holding him back was your non existant relationship with Danny? You just began to understand what happened but you said the one thing that could set things right. The one thing that you could thing about. The one thing that made Sam’s assumption completly stupid. You barely realised speaking...

“ Danny...is... gay...” You said and your voice reflected your surprise and confusion. The sound of it made you wake up from your shock. You slowly turned around to face Sam. He was standing at the door that he hadn’t opened yet. His eyes wide open in surprise and just like yours a minute ago. His mouth slightly open. He looked at you for a second. Then he turned taking his eyes away from you. He let his bag drop and ran his hands through his hair trying to process what he just heard. You were slowly starting to come back from the shocking news. “ He would actually hit on you if he didn’t know I was in love with you...” You continued in the same voice. You were stll trying to cope with your feelings. Mostly happiness and relief. Happiness cause Sam was actually in love with you. Relief because you were wrong. You thought he didn’t want to be with you but he was just under the impression that you were in a relationship with Danny. You didn’t think that he could assume that. To you it was so obvious that Danny was gay. You knew that since you first met. And what you said was true. Danny would most certainly hit on Sam in different circumstances. The only reason he didn’t was because he understood from the first moment that you were crazy for him. You’ve never seen Sam get jealous in the past. You doubted he could get jealous. He was always so serious. Jealousy didn’t even cross your mind as an explanation for his cold behaviour. To be fair he didn’t now that Danny was gay. But then your heart gave you a painfull beat and your face took a hurt expression. Yes. Sam didn’t know Danny was gay but he knew he was your friend. You remembered his words. “ _kissing me? Telling me that you’re in love with me when you’re with Danny?”_ He wasn’t just jealous.He thought you were playing him. He thought that you kissed him while in a relationship with Danny. That you were a cheater. That you would actually force him to reveal his feelings to you hitting on him while you were with Danny. How low could he possibly thing of you?

“ Danny... is gay?” He repeated now looking at you still shocked.

“ Yes...” You said and looked at your shoes shaking your head before you continue. “ I can’t believe you thought this way about me!” You said and your voice cracked. “ I can’t believe you thought I would do this to you... or Danny. Play you like this?” Sam had a puzzled look on his face. You walked away in a hurry to close yourself in the kitchen away from him. You were so angry and hurt you didn’t want to be in the same room with him. You lived together for years. And he actually thought you were that kind of person? As you were leaving you saw his expression turning to panic in no time as he realised what he did. You heard his voice behind you. Upset and gruff.

“ Hey Hey hey. Wait...” You turned to look at him pissed off and hurt like never before. “ How was I supposed to know he was gay?” That statement, though Sam’s panic and pain were visible both in his voice and his face, enraged you even more.

“ You were supposed to know **Me**!” You yelled at him pointing at yourself.

“ What was I supposed to think, (Y/N)?...” He yelled back opening his arms desperate for you to hear him. “ I had no idea he was gay... He is a guy I never met... He is calling you _little (Y/N),_ You never actually used the word friend...NOT ONCE. You’re staying at his house? You even have his DAMN house keys? What was I supposed to think?...” He concluded waiting with panic in his eyes for your answer.

“ YOU COULD HAVE ASKED...” You yelled at him. He let his hands drop to his sides. He tilt his head a bit and looked at you. His eyes penetrating yours. He was pissed off and in pain. You couldn’t understand what feeling was stronger. You took your eyes away from him. You turned on your side and looked at the wall in front of you. You were pissed with him too. Of course you were. Or not? You took a deep breath. No! You weren’t pissed. Not that much. You were hurt. Hurt he could think that you could play him like this. But he was right. How was he supposed to know? All the things he just said could lead anyone to think that you were in a relationship with Danny. And yes for those who don’t know you and Danny, having keys to his house is at least suspicious. And if you had to be honest you can’t recall using the word “ friend” to describe Danny to Sam. That... is at least suspicious too. And of course having nicknames is not uncommon among friends but in addition to the others... Sam had every right to think that you were in a relationship with Danny. That’s why he was avoiding you. And he was so cold. And now he was angry because of how irrational you sounded. And he was right. Expecting him to ask you about Danny was absurt. Given your history asking you about Danny would get really painfull if Danny actually was your boyfriend. And you had to face it. If you were in Sam’s place you would think the exact same thing and you would never ask him to clear things with you.In his mind he had no right to ask. You weren’t together. You didn’t even know you were in love with each other. How could he ever ask you? And what if he couldn’t handle the answer? For all he knew you could just want him there for the case and nothing more. You looked at him. The same pained expression on his face. You weren’t the only one hurt there. How did you expect Sam to think rationally when he was hurt. When he was emotionally involved. His judgement was clouded. And so would be yours. And so **was** yours. Cause if his words hadn’t hurt you, you would realise that he didn’t really think you were playing him. You would know that he didn’t know what to think. He was confused. And you know very well that he was in love with you. He said it. And you were in love with him. When you’re in love getting jealous sometimes is the easiest thing in the world. And the fact that Sam felt this way actually ment that he cared. Proof that he was in love. This damn fight was pointless. You took a deep breath and walked towards Sam with your heart about to burst. His expression showed you that he was leaving his anger behind as you were aproaching. Once you were in front of him you gently burried yourself in his chest. You opened your arms and you passed them underneath his. You hugged him resting your hands on his back. You felt his muscles moving as he wrapped his arms around you too. One hand right under your neck and one in the middle of your back. His grip gentle but firm. You felt his chest moving as he took a deep breath and you felt the air brushing the hair on the top of your head as he was breathing out.

“ I’m sorry...” You said in a low and calm voice. A little more than a wisper.

“ No...No I’m sorry...” Sam said and his voice was low steady and calm. You held him tighter to show him you understand and that he didn’t have to tell you he was sorry cause you already knew. But he continued tightening his grip too. “ I’m sorry... for what I just said. And I’m sorry... for acting like a jerk since I got here.” He took a deep breath and rested his chin on the top of your head. You kissed his chest lightly and you heard him continue. “ And...I’m sorry... Because I didn’t tell you that I’ll die too if anything happens to you. Because I’m in love with you too...” His voice was calm and low but full of emotion. But it was also steady and you could hear that he was determined to let you know how he was feeling. You felt your heart melting at his words. Your emotions were so strong that your eyes started getting wet. You took a deep and shaking breath and asked him.

“ How long?” Your voice was steady too. But still close to a wisper. Sam’s answer wouldn’t change your feelings for him. Of course not. But you needed to know. And what you were actually asking was if he was in love with you before Dean died. Sam understood the question and he gave you the exact answer you were looking for.

“After Dean was gone...” He answered and part of you was relieved cause then you would feel guilty for provoking those feelings. Unintentionally ,yes. But you wouldn’t feel good about it. And of course his answer meant that his feelings were there before your night together. Which raised the question as to what happened that night. Tears run down your cheeks. Silent tears that you were trying to hold back but your feelings were so strong you just couldn’t stop. You sniffed and you were pretty sure Sam knew you were crying now. You opened your mouth and asked again.

“ And that night...?” Sam answered to your low and surprisingly steady voice before you could even finish your sentence.

“ I was drunk...” He finished your sentence. “ And I lost control...” This time his voice was throaty. You understood that he had no intention to ever let you know about his feelings. It just happened. And at that moment as he was holding you in his arms you realised you didn’t regret that it happened. There is only a handful of people that we love with all our heart in our lives. And you loved each other. Your heart was beating hard and painfully. But it was a sweet pain. A relieving pain. The pain of finding something you needed for so long. Or rather someone. You raised your head to find his lips. You felt his breath on your mouth. Warm and steady. You both moved at the same time and you pressed your lips to his as he was pressing his lips to yours. It was a strong kiss that made your heart flatter in your chest again. You felt his arms tighten around you and bringing you as close to his chest as possible. The way they were wrapped around you made you feel safe. Like as long as you were in Sam’s arms nothing could get to you. His lips were so soft on yours and strong at the same time. Your hands still on his back. Feeling the tight muscles on his body. You felt them moving and you felt his arms loosen. For a moment you got scared that he would break the kiss. But he didn’t. You felt his arms on your cheeks finding their way to the back of your neck between your hair. They were so big for your small face that he was brushing your cheeks with his thumbs. Slow and soft circles. A moment later your lips parted with the sweet sound that kisses leave behind. You felt his hands travelling through your shoulders to return to your back as you were opening your eyes. You looked at Sam. He still had that pained expression on his face but now you knew it was because of all the feelings he had too. You burried your face in his chest again. You just stayed there. Feeling his breaths on his chest. His hands holding you tight. You planted a small kiss on his chest. So light you weren’t sure he felt it. But he must have felt it cause you felt him bringing you closer to his chest as much as he could without you having difficulty breathing. You rested your head on his chest and closed your eyes. You stood there for a while. You heard his heart too. That beat that two months ago sounded so similar to Dean’s now sounded so unique. And it was beating fast. Just like yours. You could feel his hands brushing your back gently. You took a deep breath and spoke again.

“ What do we do now?” That was the question one of you had to ask and you asked it. Your voice was still low. You felt Sam taking a deep breath. The muscles in his back tightened as he answered. You steped away from his hug so that you could look at him.

“ I don’t want you to leave, I don’t...” He said and his voice was steady and calm. His expression full of determination. His eyes full of emotion. “ But if you want to go, I won’t stop you... But if you stay...” H paused and looked at you. His eyes reflecting his feelings for you. He took a short breath and spoke again. “ I wanna be with you.” Your heart kicked in your chest when you heard those words. But he didn’t stop there. He continued with calm and steady voice. “ I love my brother, I do... and I’ve been feeling guilty for so long....but I don’t think I should.” His voice was calm and you could see that he gave the matter a lot of thought. “ Dean is gone...And I know that you’ll never forget him and I will never forget Jess...” He paused again and took a deep breath before looking straight into your eyes again. “ My point is... I want to be with you no matter what... But if you’re not sure...” He said and this time you noticed a slight tremble in his voice which sounded gruff at his last sentence. His eyes locked on yours.You could see it in them that he wanted to make sure that you wanted to be with him and you gave the matter as much thought as he did. But you had already made your decision. And you were absolutely certain of it. Every beat of your heart and every cell in your body at that second was demanding this decision.

“ I know what I want” You said and your voice was not low anymore. You wrapped your arms around his neck. “ And I really...REALLY... want to be with you...” You said and you felt your eyes watering with every word. You tried to emphasize each and every word so that Sam would understand that this wasn’t a decision you made in the heat of the moment. You really knew what you wanted and it had been him for a long time now. You looked in his eyes and you knew he understood. You raised your head and stood on your toes and pressed your lips to his once more. He lowered his head and your feet were steady on the ground once more. He wrapped his arms around you. His grip was firm but gentle. You placed your hands at the back of his neck running your fingers through his hair. Your heart was flattering in your chest as you were moving your lips against Sam’s. Sam pulled you closer as he was losing himself in that kiss. Non of you hesitated for that kiss because you finally knew that this was what you both wanted. You both wanted to be with the other and now you both knew. You felt like a weight was lifting off your chest. No more wondering how Sam was feeling or how you were feeling. You felt relieved. You felt his hands leaving your body and settling at the back of your neck under your hair. And that’s when you started feeling uncomfortable. You froze. Sam was still kissing you but soon he understood that something was wrong. You couldn’t feel your legs. You tried to open your eyes but your eyelids were heavy. You lost control of your hands. It was like your whole body wa going numb. You couldn’t feel Sam’s hands on your face anymore. You couldn’t feel anything. You were losing control of your thoughts too. Your ears were buzzing.You weren’t sure if you were awake or not.

The next thing you felt was sitting somewhere. You started gaining control of your legs and arms. You felt two hands holding your face. The buzzing in your ear started going away. You heard Sam’s voice like it was coming from somewhere far away.

“ Hey, Hey...( Y/N)!” You heard the panic and the fear in his voice that sounded gruff. You opened your eyes. Everything was black for a few seconds but soon your vision was back to normal. You saw Sam’s worried face in front of you. You were sitting on the couch. Sam’s hands were holding your head steady.

“ What happened?” You asked and your voice sounded tired. Sam was kneeling in front of you. He was so tall you were only slightly taller.

“ You fainted!” He said and he was shocked and worried. He wrapped his arm around your back. “ Come on. I’ll take you to the hospital...”

“ No...” You said and pushed his chest as gently as you could. He pulled back and looked at you angry and worried.

“ ( Y/N), you just fainted...!” He said and his voice was at the edge of panic. You could see his worry in his eyes. He was trying to talk some sence into you but it wasn’t working.

“ And I’m pretty sure it happened because I’m exhausted...” Sam looked at you in disbelief. You took a deep breath. “ Just let me rest...” You said trying to calm him down and make him see your point of view. He gave you a pissed look like he did before. And you knew that he was looking at you like that because he was worried. He thought about it for a second and then he spoke again.

“ Fine...” He paused and looked at you with a determined look. “ But if this thing gets ANY worse... I’m taking you to the hospital...” He said and in his low voice you heard a slight tremble. You knew he didn’t like that option. If it was in his hands you would have stayed in the hospital with Danny. But he didn’t want to argue with you. And you didn’t want to argue with him. So you answered him and tried to placate him.

“ If this thing gets any worse... You won’t have to take me to the hospital... I’ll go on my own free will...” He looked at you and that pained expression was back on his face. You knew he didn’t really believe you but he seemed calmer. “ Can you bring me some water?” You asked him cause you were feeling your mouth totally dry and you were scared to get up and walk.

“ Yeah...” He said and got up immediately heading to the kitchen. You laid down on the couch waiting for Sam to bring you the water. You heard him filling a glass with water but when he got there you were already asleep.

When you opened your eyes again it was late afternoon. You were still on the couch and you were still feeling exhausted. You saw Sam standing next to you with his jacket on and his car keys on his hand.

“ Where are you going?” You asked him. Your voice low and tired. For a moment you got scared that he was leaving. But Sam would never do that. Especially now after the talk you had.He looked at you and kneeled next to the couch in front of your face. He removed some stray hair off your face and spoke.

“ Danny called. They let him go home and he asked me to pick him up...” Sam said and his voice was low and caring. “ Will you be ok...?” He meant on your own. You smiled at him.

“ Yeah... go...” You answered him.

“ All right...” He said and kissed your forehead before leaving. Thank God Danny called and he wouldn’t stay the night at the hospital. You completely forgot about him. You were so tired it would be so hand to stay with him at the hospital. You felt a bit guilty but you were exhausted. Still if he had to stay the night you would get dressed and go. But now he would be back with Sam in no time. You closed your eyes once more and you drifted off.

You woke up still on the couch in the morning. You were feeling fully rested. You looked around and saw Sam sleeping in a sittting position on the couch next to you. You smiled at the sight. You knew he was there to check on you during the night. You got up as silently as possible. You went straight to the kitchen and had breakfast. When you were done Danny walked in the kitchen. He seemed to be just fine besides his broken arm. You tried to tell him what happened with Sam but he stopped you. Apparently he already knew. At least the basics. Last night when you were sleeping Danny and Sam had a little conversation and “ sorted some things out”. Danny refused to give you any details. But from what he said Danny must have made an inappropriate joke again about the talk you two were supposed to have and Sam must have given him the basics so that he could shut his mouth. Sam got up too a few minutes later. Danny seemed a lot better and both you and Sam decided it was time to go home. Apparently Danny met a very interesting doctor at the hospital too and he was more than eager to have his house all for him.

Danny and Sam helped you pack. When you put Dean’s gun in your bag too you were ready. Sam walked in the living room and tried to lift your bag off the couch but you stopped him.

“ I can carry my own bag...” You smiled at him. You didn’t want him to see you as an injured puppy constantly in need of help.

“ I know...” He said and lifted your back anyway with a grin on his face. You chuckled. You knew he took the bag to take care of you and not because he thought you couldn’t carry it. He placed the bag in his car. You stepped outside where Danny was waiting to say goodbye.

“ So...” Danny said to Sam. “ You’re not that bad...” He was joking. You were waiting to see Sam’s answer. But you knew that Danny’s phrase actually meant “ You’re a good guy...”.

“ Thanks...” Sam chuckled looking at Danny. His voice still low and serious but you knew that Danny grew on him. Now that he wasn’t your boyfriend in Sam’s mind. Sam turned to you. “ I’ll wait in the car...”

You nodded and as Sam was leaving you turned to Danny. He gave you a huge smile.

“ Should I be worried?” You joked refering to the fact hat Danny just said that Sam was a good guy after all.

“ No! He is not my type...” Danny answered pretending to be offended by your comment. You laughed and hugged him. He hugged you back with his good arm. “ I’m gonna miss you, little (Y/N)...” He wispered in your ear.

“ I’m gonna miss you too...” You answered. “ You’re the best friend I could hope for...” You told him. You didn’t want to leave without letting him know that. You pulled back.

“ Me? No!” He said making a grimace pretending that he doesn’t believe you. You chuckled. There was a small pause and then you spoke again.

“ Goodbye Danny...” You smiled at him.

“ Goodbye little (Y/N)...” He answered.

You waved at him and headed to Sam’s car. You saw Danny raising his hand at his ear like it was a phone and formed “ call me” with his lips. It was his own way to say “keep in touch”. You smiled and formed with your lips “ I promise” as you entered Sam’s car. Once you were in Sam turned to you.

“ You got everything?” He asked refering to your stuff. You hesitated for a second trying to remember if there was something you forgot. You couldn’t think of anything.

“ Yeah...” You answered.

“ All right...” Sam said and started the car.

As you were driving away and you were leaving town you started actually realising what just happened and what it meant. What leaving with Sam meant. You were doing it. You were really doing it. You and Sam got together. You took a deep breath to drive away the fear that just hit you.

“ Are you all right?” Sam asked you.

“ Yeah...” You answered but it was a lie. You didn’t regret your choice not even for a second. You wanted to be with Sam and you thought about it many times in the past. But now that it was actually happening part of you was scared. You knew too damn well that things would never be the same again. You weren’t friends anymore. You knew Sam as a friend and he knew you as a friend too. But you had no idea how he was in a relationship. And he didn’t really know how you were either. Yes, he lived your relationship with Dean closely but it’s different between seeing someone in a relationship and being in a relationship with that person. As for you, you rarely saw Sam with any woman. You actually had to start knowing each other from the beginning. Moving in a relationship after being friends for so long is hard enough on each own. If you add your complicated history into the mix... You weren’t just friends, you were in a relationship with Sam’s brother. Theoretically you left the guilt about that behind. The idea of being with Sam didn’t sound wrong anymore. But that guilt will probably come back when you get more intimate. And that would most certainly be true for Sam as well. Sam admited he was feeling guilty too. What if this guilt comes back as a reflex?What if you don’t make it? Even if you manage to shoo this guilt or even if it doesn’t appear at all ,will you and Sam make it? What if you are great at being friends but not so much in a relationship? What if you are too different? You knew that you were entering a different period in your life. And you decided to go through it with Sam. You wanted to be with him. You really did. And so did Sam. But you had so many things to deal with. You loved Sam and He loved you and you would try to make it work. But heading back home. To a life together. You knew one thing. It wouldn’t be easy! And you were right....

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to post this chapter...


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by this song:  
> Coldplay - Magic

You were back in early afternoon. The drive was calm and rather silent. You didn’t talk much but it wasn’t a cold silence like it used to be the last few days. It was a relaxing one. Sam enjoyed driving and you enjoyed the ride home. You almost fell asleep at some point. You made a small stop to grab a bite and you were back on the road in no time.

You got out of the car and helped Sam bring your bags inside. You left the bag you were holding on the table and looked around. You haven’t realised how much you missed that place. Your eyes travelled around the room. You were feeling so comfortable. This was your home and it was nice to be back. Memories were back as well. Especially the morning you left. But it didn’t feel bad anymore. Maybe because now you knew how you were feeling about Sam. Your mind was not a mess. You took a deep breath. The familiar scent of books in the library. You smiled and turned around to a stuggling Sam. He was holding two bags and one was stuck on the handrail of the stairs.

“ You need some help with those...?” You chuckled. Sam raised his head and his hair jumped around as he did. He looked at you and smiled.

“ No....I got it...” He said with his low and warm voice and he managed to free the bag. He came close to you and left the bags on the table too. You moved and hugged him. He hugged you back and kissed the top of your head. You closed your eyes briefly to hear his heartbeat. It was faster than normal. You smiled to yourself. His heart rate matched yours. After a few seconds you pulled back with a huge smile on your face. You looked around once more. All the familiar things in the room. It was like coming home after a hard day at work. You were so happy to be back.

“ All right....” Sam said smiling and grabbed your bag. “ I’ll take this to your room...” He said and walked away holding your bag.

You thought about it for a second. Sam meant he would take the bag to the room you shared with Dean. You haven’t thought about it before. Sam assumed correctly that it was way to early for you to stay in his room. And of course he doubted if you ever wanted. And he was right. You didn’t want to go there yet. You were still trying to get used to this new relationship status, you weren’t ready to sleep in the same bed with him. But you couldn’t sleep on your old bed either. When you left, you never thought there would possibly be a time that you would want to move out of Dean’s room. But now... You lived about two months away from that room. Away from the constant reminder that room was. You moved on. You finally managed to let Dean go. You found a way to be happy without him. You found a way to be happy with someone else. Sam was right to assume that you would move back to your old room. But something inside you was protesting. Something inside you was screaming that this room was the past. It was Dean’s room long before it became yours. Everything in there reminded you of Dean. Memories didn’t hurt like they did two months ago but going back to that room would be trying to relive the memories it carried. Memories you loved but you knew too damn well that that’s all they should stay. Memories... Two months ago you were felling broken in two. That Dean was the other part of you , you lost. You couldn’t see yourself as a whole without him. But now you learned to look at you again and be you again. Feel complete just being you. It’s not an easy thing to do when you have lived with someone for so long and loved him with all your heart. When you are used to feel that that person and you are one. But you got there. You let this feeling go. And now you had to let that room go too...

“ Actually...” You said and Sam turned around to face you. “ I think it’s best if you take the bag to my old room... You know... my old old room...” You said and looked at Sam. He looked at you in deep concetration. He understood what you were asking. You could see it in his face that he was trying to process what you just said. He didn’t expect that.There was a small pause and then he asked you.

“ Are you sure?” His voice was low and serious. His expression was serious too but calm. He looked at you waiting for your answer. You couldn’t help but smile at the question. You were more than sure. You bit your lower lip smiling and then answered.

“ Absolutely...” You said and your voice was calm and serious too.There was a small pause again when you and Sam were just looking at each other. Realising that it didn’t seem like a big step but it really was one. For you as a person and for your relationship.

“ All right...” Sam said in a low and calm voice breaking the silence. He nodded to show he understood your decision. He took his eyes away from you and turned around heading for your old room. The room you used before you moved to Dean’s room. You smiled to yourself and searched for your weapons in one of the bags so that you could move them too to your old room. You raised your head and saw Sam heading away with your bag. You smiled and stopped him once more.

“ I can still carry my own bag....” You said. You were smiling at him. He turned around to look at you leaving a silent chuckle. He was smiling the same sweet and wicked smile like when you were leaving Danny’s.

“ I still know...” He said and left holding your bag leaving you chuckling to yourself. It was so nice to be back home...

About an hour later you were settled back in your old room. Sam was in the library searching for cases on his laptop. You were walking around your room putting the last things in your bag in place. You left your clock on your nightstand and returned to your bag. The only thing left in there was your photos. Photos of you with Sam and Bobby. One with Charlie. A couple with Cas...( Not the way you expected them to be when you took those. Cas didn’t quite understand the concept at first.) And of course those of you and Dean. You put the rest in the drawer of your nightstand. You kept those of Dean in your hands and sat on the bed. You’ve looked at them a thousand times but they still made you smile. There were two of Dean on his own. One you took before you got together and one before you even met. He was so young in this one. You run your thumb on his face. His so rare smile. You felt your heart tighten. You were missing him and that sweet smile of his. You felt your eyes watering. You sniffed and took a deep breath. You smiled and looked back at the photo. You weren’t in pain. You were just full of nostalgia. Full of amazing memories. Memories you treasured. Your eyes were dry again. You put those two photos in the drawer with the others. You still had those of you and Dean together in your hands. The first you see is one Bobby took after a fight you two had to show you how ridiculous you looked. You were sitting on the hood of the impala. Both of you having your arms crossed on your chest. Your backs turned to each other.Your faces fool of anger. But close enough that your arms were still slightly touching. You laughed. You both pretended that it was unintetional at the time, but you know that you were actually trying to make each other talk. Even if it was just to yell because the one was touching the other’s arm after such a fight. But non of you spoke. Because you both wanted to be close. You chuckled at the memory. It was a pretty silly fight. You both got angry with Bobby at first for taking this photo. After you made up with Dean , you kept the photo without telling him. He was still mad at Bobby but he found out eventually. The next one was one Charlie took. A rare one too. You were sleeping in Dean’s arms and he was looking at you. Charlie thought it was cute and took the photo. Dean loved this one. You looked pretty silly. Your mouth open and hair on your face. He used to have a good laugh every time he looked at it. It made you mad but now... You run your finger on your face and then Dean’s face. You smiled and you were ready to move to the next photo. You only had two on your hands. There were supposed to be three. Where was your favorite one? The only one that had anything written on it? You looked around you. It wasn’t in the bed. You got up and opened the drawer again. You searched in the other photos. Maybe it was somewhere in there and you missed it. You closed the drawer dissapointed. It wasn’t there. You took a deep breath scratching the back of your head and scanning the room with your eyes. And then you remembered. You didn’t have that photo with you. You forgot it here. That morning you were in such a hurry to leave you probably dropped it. You realised that a while ago but right now you forgot. That photo must still be in Dean’s room.

You got up and walked straight to Dean’s room leaving your door open. The door was closed. You placed your hand on the handle. You hesitated for a second and then you opened the door leaving the door open again. You looked around. It was just like you left it. You felt rour heart tightening once again. That room carried so many memories. Good and bad. But mostly good. You took a deep shaking breath. The emotions hitting you were way to strong. Happiness, sadness, nostalgia, love, pain...Everything. But you had them under control in no time. Those emotions were of course still there but they weren’t tearing you apart like they used to. You even found yourself smiling at the memories dancing in front of you. You stood still for a while just looking around. You took another deep breath and moved to the nightstand. You used to keep the photos in the drawer there too. So you opened the drawer and searched inside. There were no photos there. You didn’t expect it to be there. You remember grabbing it in your hand so you most likely dropped it while putting all the photos in the bag you packed that morning. You looked around once more. You couldn’t see the photo anywhere. You looked back at the nightstand. As you expected the photo wasn’t there. You kneeled down and started looking under the bed. You couldn’t see anything. You put your hand under the bed too trying to feel the photo instead of seeing it. You could feel the dust but no photo. You tried to look again in the dim light when you heard a voice at the door.

“ What are you doing?” Sam said in a serious and calm voice. You raised your head immediately and your eyes were wide open. You felt like you’ve been caught doing something you shouldn’t do. Sam was leaning on the door with his hands crossed across his chest. You swallowed hard and prayed he didn’t hear the sound. You got up.

“ I was searching for something...” You said trying to avoid telling him what you were searching for. You loved Sam. You really did. And you knew he loved you too. And of course you were totally in love with him. And he was in love with you too. You didn’t want to tell him you were searching for a photo of you and Dean on which you had actually written that you loved each other. It seemed wrong. It felt wrong. And it would hurt him. How would he feel finding out that you were back less than two hours ago and you were already searching for the photos of Dean you left behind? Yes. It’s true. Sam is an amazing guy and he would probably understand why you were searching for that photo. Or would he? He wasn’t your best friend Sam anymore. He was your boyfriend Sam. You were in a relationship with him. A very Very new relationship. You didn’t know the dynamics of your relationship yet. And obviously you had a complicated history with you being with his brother. Telling him you were searching for a photo of Dean would lead him to assume that you were missing Dean. As the love of your life not just the memories of him. And if that would be the case your relationship would take a big blow before it even began. It’s best if he doesn’t know what you were searching for. But he wasn’t satisfied with your answer.

“ What were you searching for?” He asked still leaning on the door with the same look on his face and the same tone in his voice.

“ A shirt...” You rushed to answer. A shirt? A SHIRT? What were you thinking? That’s ptobably the worst excuse in the history of excuses. Why didn’t you say you lost your earings or something. How would a shirt ever go under the bed? And even if it could get there. How the hell weren’t you able to find it and retrieve it and you had to keep searching under the bed when it was obvious it wasn’t there? You looked at him. You were feeling so guilty for lying to him but you still believed it was the best option. His expression was more serious than before. He stepped away from the door still looking at you. Your palms started sweating and your heart was beating very fast. Something in his eyes made you feel like he knew you were lying to him. Was it your guilt? Or did he actually understood you were lying?

“ Right...” He said in the same tone and looked at his hands. You looked at his hands too. For the first time you noticed he was holding something. Your heart skipped a beat. It was something like a piece of paper. A piece of paper in the size of a photo. Could it be? You were standing still staring at his hands. If he didn’t know you were lying before he knew now. You couldn’t take your eyes away from the photo in his hands. You couldn’t bring yourself to speak. What would you say anyway? He stepped closer to you and handed you the photo. You looked at it. You wanted to disappear from the face of the earth. It was the photo you were searching for. Your cheeks were burning and the guilt was causing your heart to beat really fast. You couldn’t find the courage to raise your head and look him in the eyes. You were just staring at the photo in your hands which would probably make things worse. Sam broke the small silence.

“ You dropped it. I had it with me to give it to you at Springfield but with all that happened...” His tone was still the same. So you actually dropped it. And Sam found it. And he wanted to give it to you. And you lied to him. If you could punch yourself you would. You found the courage and raised your head and looked at Sam’s eyes. You were hoping he could read the apology in your eyes like he usually did. But he gave you no such sign. Your heart skipped a beat. He was looking straight into your eyes but he didn’t seem to understand the apology your eyes were screaming. He hesitated for a second and then he turned around and walked out of the room. How the hell did you manage to screw things up before they even began? You knew he would be angry with you. Pissed off like he was those last few days. Or worse. He would be disappointed in you. Disappointed you lied to him. You realised that telling him the true would mess things up a lot less than lying did. He wanted to give you the photo after all. He wanted you to have it. He was ok with you searching for that photo. What he was not ok with. And he was right not to be was lying to him.

“ Sam...” You yelled putting the photo in your back pocket and running behind him. He was down the hallway. He turned around when he heard your voice. You got close to him and spoke.

“ I’m sorry...” You said and you meant it from the bottom of your heart. You were feeling like you messed things up big time. You were in a relationship for no more than two days and you already lied to him. You looked at him. He didn’t seem angry. Which only left the other option. He was disappointed in you. Or even worse. That thought only crossed your mind at that moment. Lying to Sam did what you were trying to avoid with the lie. He made him think that you were missing Dean and that’s why you didn’t want to tell him what you were searching for. You felt like you’ve been punched.

“ Don’t...” He stopped you. His face and his voice more serious than before. You felt your heart beating like a drum. He didn’t even want you to explain. And his tone only meant you disappointed him. But the worst thing was that you disappointed yourself. You didn’t want to lie in the first place and now that your lie turned against you ,only made things worse. You didn’t want to start a relationship based on lies. Yes, that was a small lie but one lie always brings the second. Yes, five minutes ago lying seemed like the best option. But what’s the point to be in a relationship when your partner doesn’t at least try to understand. And what’s the point when you don’t try to make him understand. You made a mistake and you were ready to hear what Sam would say about that but... “ I get it...” You looked at him surprised. You couldn’t see disappointment in his face and you couldn’t hear it in his voice. He understood. You could see it in his face. He understood why you lied to him and he accepted it too. He didn’t lie. You heard it in his voice which was colder than before. But he understood why you did it and he wasn’t blaming you for it. You felt relief but you weren’t feeling good. You were still blaming yourself and you knew you hurt him. You hurt him because you didn’t trust him.

You hugged him and he hugged you back without hesitating. You placed your hand on the back of his neck and brushed his hair as he was bringing you closer to his chest.

“ Still... I’m sorry...” You said and your voice was more of a wisper.

“ I know...” He said and pulled back placing his hands on your cheeks and kissing your forehead. You raised your head and kissed his lips. He kissed you back and pulled away. “ So... Are you hungry?” He was back to his normal tone. Serious, calm and warm. You nodded smiling. “ Pizza?” He asked smiling.

“ Yeap...” You replied. He gave you one more kiss and walked away.

You watched him leave. Handsome like always.You knew you were good. But still. You wanted to make things right. You wanted to show him how much you trusted him. And you would. In time...

Sam was back with the pizza faster than you expected. You two watched a movie on Sam’s laptop and ate the pizza. Sam also had a beer but you decided that with the wound on your head it would be best if you didn’t. So Sam wrapped his arm around you and you laid your head on his chest. You felt him once in a while brushing your arm with his fingers which made you get closer to his chest. After the movie ended you got off his chest so that he could close his computer.

“ It was a good movie” He said resting his back on the couch. You laid your head on his chest again and he wrapped his arm around you.

“ Hmm....I’ve seen better...” You knew he really loved the movie and you always liked to mess with him. You two had the same taste in movies and you always seemed to understand each other when it came to movies. But you always liked to joke with him. When you knew he really liked a movie you just made fun of it for fun. Sam always laughed a lot with your attempts to redicule the movies he liked and sometimes he made the same in return. You liked the movie you just watched too but you also missed how easy it was to just joke around with him. Just having fun, no figuring out feelings. You hoped he would respond to your comment. You laid back your neck so that you could see his face.

“ Really?... Like which?” He said to with his fake sarcasm and you knew he was playing your game. He smiled to you and you smiled back to him.

“ Oh! I don’t know....” You started saying ready to suggest another movie but he interrupted you.

“ Since you don’t know...” He said still smiling and pressed his lips lightly on yours. You closed your eyes and moved your lips against his. He still had his arm wrapped around you. You moved your hand and placed it at his neck running your fingers in his hair. It was such a sweet kiss and you were feeling so comfortable in Sam’s arms. You pulled his face closer to you and as expected he deepened the kiss. At first you were responding and you were feeling good with that. But when his kiss got more intense than usual you felt your heart beating faster . You were upset but you couldn’t understand if that was a good thing or not. It felt like it was too much. All you wanted to do was get away from what made you so upset . You opened your eyes in shock and moved your hand from his neck to his chest and pushed him back. Sam pulled away immediately. You were breathless. He was looking at you.You looked around anywhere but Sam. Your heart was beating still very fast. You were feeling your whole body radiating heat. Your eyes started watering and you fixed your them down so that Sam wouldn’t see you.

How did you manage to screw things up so badly in one day? First you made Sam think that you didn’t trust him. And now you made him think that you didn’t want him. Which was wrong. So wrong! You did want him. More than you could tell him. But that kiss was just too much. You needed time. You needed to get used to being with him. You were with someone else, Dean, for so long. And you lost him so suddenly. You were ready to be with Sam indeed. And you wanted it too. But you needed to take it slow. You needed to give yourself time to get used to being so close with someone again. But you were feeling so ashamed and so guilty. There might be about a thousand better ways to show or tell that to Sam. What just happened. Rejecting his kiss is a pretty hurtful one. You raised your head to look at him and apologise. You were expecting to see a puzzled Sam , a hurt Sam. Even an angry Sam. You didn’t expect to see a calm Sam though. He was just looking at you. Serious but calm. Not hurt, not cold, not angry. That was the moment you noticed he still had his arm wrapped around you. He wasn’t talking. He was just waiting for you to find your self control again. You tried to talk but you couldn’t find any words. But he spoke before you could.

“ I know...” He said looking at you and this time you saw the familiar pained look on his face. “ When jess died...” He paused looking down briefly. He swallowed hard and he continued looking at you. His voice sounded gruff. “ It wasn’t easy...” You looked at him and you couldn’t help but think what an amazing man he was. No other person would have understood exactly what happened there and what you were going through. He made your heart melt once again. You took a deep and trembling breath and burried your head in his chest. He wrapped both his arms around you and rested his chin on the top of your head. You stood there for a few seconds and then you pulled back. He had this serious and calm look on his face. You were feeling extra tired and very angry with yourself. You took a deep breath and you were ready to go back to your room.

“ Goodnight...” You said getting up. You turned to look at him before leaving.

“ Goodnight...” He said too and his voice sounded gruff again.

You left Sam alone and locked yourself in your room. You threw your shoes away and curled up on the bed. You didn’t bother changing into more comfortable clothes for the night. All you could think about was the day you had. Bottom line: You had probably the most understanding man in the world loving you with all his heart and you managed to hurt him twice in a day in two different ways. Because you knew he was hurt. Yes, he understood why you acted the way you acted in both occasions but that doesn’t mean it didn’t actually hurt him. You knew it did. But now you were wondering...Would you be able to make things right in time? Or would you screw things up even worse? Those were the thoughts troubling your mind as you started drifting off.

The next morning you got up and went straight to the kitchen to make breakfast. By the time you were done Sam entered the kitchen. He seemed fine. He didn’t seem hurt or angry with you. He was just ...Sam. You felt some of the weight on your shoulders lifting off. You noticed a slight hesitation when it came to his kisses or his touches but rather than that he was the Sam you knew. Seeing Sam like that made you feel better with yourself too. You didn’t stop feeling guilty for a second but the way he was acting with you like nothing happened made you feel that you probably could make things right after all. And that day was indeed a better day than the previous one. Yes, Sam was a little extra cautious not to make you feel uncomfortable but you both had a good time cleaning up a bit and watching another movie. And that’s pretty much how the next few days passed. Just having fun and working. You were searching for cases cause after all you were still hunters. Only few things popped up and they were easy cases. Someone else was already on them. Which actually left more time for the two of you. You spend a lot of time together ,though you still needed some alone time occasionally. But you were feeling more and more comfortabble with Sam as time went by. You didn’t feel the need to back off from a deeper kiss than usual anymore. It took you a while to get there but every kiss made you feel more and more comfortable. Sam was actually surprised when at some point you went for a deeper kiss. And of course you were feeling better with yourself too. You were feeling like you were making things right after all. Things were better in general. Your days were basically routine. But it was a different routine now. A new kind of spending every day since you were with Sam. And it felt good. You caught yourself smiling for no reason sometimes. Like when you were washing the dishes. It was your turn this time. Sam was searching for a case on his laptop. You finished the last dish when you heard Sam talking on the phone. You dried your hands and walked in the library to see who was on the phone. At first you thought the phonecall would be about a case but you were wrong.

“ Yeah... Good...” Sam said casually when you walked in. He looked at you briefly and smiled to greet you and then turned to his laptop holding his phone between his shoulder and his ear.

“ No...Nothing yet...” He said on the phone. You moved closer but suddenly he looked at you. His expression was serious again. He held the phone with his hand now and moved uncomfortably on his chair. You couldn’t understand what happened but you knew it had something to do with you. You gave him a puzzled look.

“ Yeah...yeah,she’s back...” He said and his voice was cold and low. You were confused. Why would Sam answer like that about you?

“ Bye...” He concluded the conversation he had and hung up. He wasn’t looking at you. He was back working on his laptop but you could tell he was feeling uncomfortable.

“ Who was on the phone?” You asked getting closer to him. He turned to look at you and he seemed like himself again.

“ Cas...” He replied. That could explain a lot. But truth was. You completely forgot about Cas. You didn’t even tell him goodbye when you left. You just left him with Sam. You never thought to ask what Sam told him that day. For all Cas new you and Sam had a fight. Could Sam have told him the truth? Judging by the way he was talking on the phone about you ,you doubted it. But you had to be sure. You moved closer to Sam and sat on te table next to his laptop. He was hesitating to look at you. You placed your toes at the edge of his chair and asked him.

“ What exactly does he know?” You said looking straight into his eyes. He looked back at you.

“ That you needed some alone time...” He replied and his voice was calm but serious. You nodded. Sam hesitated for a second and then he spoke again. “ Don’t you think we should tell him?” He asked you and his expression made you feel like he thought about it a lot.

“ Honestly?” You started. You looked at him. He was looking at you waiting for your answer. You took a deep breath and answered. “ No! I don’t think it’s a good idea... not yet anyway”

“ Really? I mean Cas is...” He said trying to change your mind but you finished his sentence.

“ Cas is Cas...” He didn’t like your answer. It was obvious he wanted to tell Cas but you really believed it was better not to tell him just now. You got up and sat on the chair next to him. “ Sam , you know feelings aren’t his strong suit... It will at least puzzle him...” You told him. It was true Cas wasn’t the best at understanding feelings. Especially complicated ones like those you had for Sam and he had for you. And of course he was closer to Dean than any of you. Yes, he was a very good friend to both you and Sam but somehow it was not the same. You didn’t want him to look at you as two people who betrayed Dean. You wanted to make him understand but you weren’t sure he would. And you weren’t ready to deal with that too. You were still trying to make things work with Sam you didn’t want Cas to make things more complicated. Of course he was your friend though and you had no intention to hide it forever even if that was possible. You just wanted to delay things. Sam clearly disagreed with you. You could see it in his eyes too. And maybe he was right too. Maybe you should tell something so important to a good friend like Cas right away. But you weren’t ready for that. You just needed some time of peace and quiet. Some time just for you and Sam. Things were good so far but you were still in the point of learning to live with each other and your new relationship status.You looked Sam in the eyes and you could see he was trying to decide.

“ Maybe you’re right” He said finally. His voice was gruff and you knew he still didn’t agree with that choise. You were happy with his answer, though. Even if he didn’t agree he gave you the time you needed. You smiled and kissed his lips. You pulled away and went straight to the library. You picked a book and turned to Sam again.

“ So, I’m gonna relax in my room a bit...” You said.

“ A book again?” He saked smiling. You were reading a lot lately and he liked to mess with you.

“ Shut up!” You said and left him alone in the library. You heard a low chuckle as you were leaving.

You spend a couple of hours reading the book in your room. This time your book was pretty interesting. The last time the book you chose was so boring you fell asleep during the first chapter. You were totally absorbed in the book when you heard a knock on the door. You murmured for Sam to come in still focused on your book. He opened the door and was silent for a second.

“ So...Is it a good book?” He asked you. You lifted your head to look at him.

“ It’s a great one...” You answered smiling. “ What’s up?” You asked him. He didn’t usually show up in your room. He made you wonder.

“ I thought..” He started hesitantly “ Maybe we could go out tonight. You know, movie or dinner...” He said in his usual serious tone. You smiled. It was a huge smile. You got up from your bed and moved close to Sam. He looked confused. He was probably expecting a yes or no not a huge smile.

“ Are you asking me on a date?” You said still smiling. It was the first time he was actually asking you out. You got excited.

“ I guess I am...” He replied still looking at you confused. “ Is that a yes?” He said referring to the huge smile still on your face. You grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him in for a kiss. You pulled away and answered still smiling.

“ Yeap!” You said and he smiled back. “ I’ll be ready at 7” You informed him.

“ All right” He said. He kissed your lips for a brief moment and left your room closing the door behind.

The next hour was simply crazy. You were running around your room to find the right clothes, the right jewellery. Fix your hair. Put make up on... Finally you settled on your favorite black dress with your perfect high heels. You probably needed those with Sam. You made your make up and you could swear your hair never looked better. You gave yourself a big smile in front of the mirror, you took your purse and walked to the library to find Sam. He was already waiting for you. He turned around to look at you.

“ Wow” He said. He seemed stunned. “ You look...amazing” He smiled to you.

“ You’re don’t look so bad either...” You told him tapping his chest. You were messing with him. Cause truth was he looked absolutely dashing. Wearing one of the shirts you loved. His hair seemed amazing too. Yes, he was so handsome...

“ Thanks” He replied to you with sarcasm and you pulled him close for a kiss. When you pulled back he asked you “ Are you ready?”

“ Yes” You replied checking around you and in your purse to make sure you had everything.

“ All right. Let’s go...” He said and you both started walking toward the stairs but Sam suddenly stopped.

“ What?” You turned around to ask. He was checking his pockets.

“ I forgot my phone. You head to the car. I’ll be there in a second...” He said and went back to his room to find his phone.

You stood there watching him for a couple of seconds. Sometimes you just couldn’t believe how in love you were with hm. You shook your head and brought yourself back to reality.You went up the stairs and opened the door. You had every intention to head to the car and wait for Sam there but when you opened the door your heart skipped a beat. Cas was standing outside. He was covered in blood from head to toe. His clothes were torn apart. He was holding his ribs with one hand covered in blood and with the other he was holding the wall trying to stand. He raised his head and looked at you. His eyes full of pain and agony.When he spoke his voice came out with extreme difficulty and sounded gruff.

“ I need your help!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter most likely next week...


	13. Something happened on the way to Heaven part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by this song:  
> Phil Collins- Something happened on the way to heaven   
> I felt like naming this chapter!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Y/E/C)-Your eye colour

For a moment you were just standing there staring at a bloody Cas. You brought yourself back from the shock and immediately put your hand under Cas’ just as he was about to fall. You held him and turned your body so he could lean on you. You made a few steps inside. Cas was very heavy. You could feel your neck ache and your arms were losing strength. You wouldn’t be able to hold him up for long. He was holding on to you with all his strength staining your dress with blood. You could feel your grip getting weaker no matter how hard you were trying.

“ SAM...” You yelled at the top of your lungs. You heard distant running. You turned your head to look at Cas. He was barely holding on.

“ (Y/N)...” You heard Sam yelling too from the bottom of the stairs. You heard the urgency in his voice as he probably heard the urgency in yours. His eyes were wide open and you could see fear and shock in his expression when he saw Cas. He run close to you and placed Cas’ other arm over his neck and his arm on his waist so that you could let go. He started going down the stairs carrying Cas.

You literaly kicked your high heels off so you would move fast. You went down the stairs moving past them. You immediately brought out a chair so that Sam could put Cas down and you run straight to your room to find your first aid kit. Cas was an angel, sure... But these wounds were probably caused by an angel blade so he couldn’t heal himself immediately. You figured taking care of his wounds as if he was a human wouldn’t hurt.

When you returned to the library Sam was just putting Cas on the chair. You run close to them. You put the first aid kit on the table and looked around for something to put your hair up to tend to Cas. The only thing you found was a pen. You immediately grabbed it and put your hair up as Sam was trying to bring Cas back to consciousness. Cas opened his eyes. He hadn’t fainted after all. He was just dizzy.

You pushed Sam’s arm lightly to make him move on so you could tend to Cas. He stepped on the left and you lifted Cas to get him off his trenchcoat. Sam helped you. Then you put your hands on his shirt and teared it in half. You didn’t care. It was already ruined anyway. But the movement was intense and Sam didn’t miss it. You didn’t notice at the time. You were so worried about Cas you could barely notice anything else.

You looked at Cas’s body. He had an open wound near his ribs which was bleeding heavily. The rest were just scratches on his shoulders and chest. And then there was another wound bleeding on his head but you could see that this one had already started healing. As for the one on his ribs it would most certainly need stiches. You grabbed a clean cloth and put it on the wound to stop the blood flow. You turned to Sam to ask him to bring you water but he wasn’t there. You looked around searching for him still pressing the cloth on Cas’ wound. He was nowhere to be seen and suddenly he walked in from the kitchen holding a bowl with water. You smiled at him as he was leaving the bowl next to you. You turned to look at Cas’ wound. The blood flow was significantly reduced and you could stich him up. You used another cloth to clear the wound and the scratches and the wound on Cas’s head. His eyes were closed. He was exhausted but still in control. Sam was just watching you running your hands through Cas’s chest cleaning up those scratches. Once you were done you reached for a needle and a thread and turned to Cas again. You were ready to start when you heard Sam clearing his throat next to you.

“ Maybe I should do that...” He said gently reaching for your hands. At first you were puzzled but then you gave him the needle and the thread without any objection. Sam took your place. You looked at Cas to make sure his eyes were still closed and kissed Sam’s cheek. He smiled to you.

You got up and went straight to your room.You through your ruined dress away reminding yourself that now that you and Sam were in a relationship little things like patching up a naked Cas can get Sam slightly jealous and you didn’t want that. You smiled at the thought. It’s always flattering to see the man you love getting jealous. Especially if he reacts to thos in such a discreet way like Sam does. Immediately you felt guilty for smiling. Cas was in a terrible position right now. Your heart skipped a beat and you felt yourself sweating. What the hell happened? He was talking with Sam only hours ago. You put on some clean clothes and went to Dean’s room to find a clean shirt for Cas. Then you went straight to the library. Sam had already finished stiching up Cas. Cas also seemed a lot better. For one he was talking. He was thanking Sam.

“ Don’t mention it...” Sam answered with his soft voice. You could see concern in his eyes and a guestion. A question you put into words when you got close to Cas.

“ What happened?” You asked as Sam was helping him put on the clean shirt you brought for him. He left a sound of pain and started talking.

“ I was attacked...” He said looking at you and Sam. His voice sounded gruff.

“ By who?” Sam asked concerned.

“ Angels” Cas answered. You looked at Sam and he looked back at you with the same confused look on his face. You were ready to ask what happened again. You thought that Cas had if not a good relationship with the other angels, a peaceful one. But Cas answered your question before you could ask.

“ It was the Protective Squad...” He answered. You looked at Sam again with an even more confused look on your face only to meet his even more confused look.

“ The what?” He asked looking back at Cas.

“ I’ll explain it to you.” He twitched on the chair to get more comfortable and he started explaining to you what was going on. “ The Protective Squad is a group of angels assembled to protect heaven. That’s why they are called the Protective Squad. Hannah decided to assemble a team who would deal with angels that break the law...with force. This team was supposed to be the last case scenario... You know, if everything fails these angels will use force to bring the angel that broke heaven’s law to justice. No killing and no permanent damage...”

“ Something like an elite force?” You asked looking at Cas and Sam.

“ Yeah” Cas answered and continued “ The angel that chose the members of the team chose the most bloodthirsty ones. I don’t know who he was. Hannah didn’t tell me. At first the system worked. The angels that broke the law and didn’t come to face justice quietly were brought in by the Squad. But there are not many angels that actually break heaven’s law lately and that frustrated the Squad. And of course according to them they should be allowed to get even more violent with the ones they bring in. Hannah didn’t like that and started thinking about dismissing the Squad but ...somehow rumors were spread and their leader found out. So they decided to take matters into their own hands. Bring to justice the angels they decide and punish them the way they please. They fleed heaven. Hannah contacted me and asked me to find them. She didn’t want me to take any action against them just find them. I agreed and that’s why I didn’t call you two to help. I did find them and I tried to watch them for a while but one of them managed to see me and they captured me. I tried to talk to them but I was on their list. For all the things I’ve done to heaven...” He took a deep breath. The memory was still bringing him pain... “They tried to kill me but I escaped and came here.”there was a small pause after he finished.

“ Wow...” You said trying to process the information.

“ Wait...” Sam said puzzled “ How come we don’t know about the Squad?”

“ It was supposed to be a secret. I didn’t no either until Hannah told me... And now I need your help. I heard them talking about trying to convince Hannah to give them the angels they helped catching so that they can punish them the way they want. They plan to take humans as hostages to blackmail Hannah. Or kill a few. They haven’t decided yet. If we don’t find them inocents will die...” Cas said trying to convince you. Like you needed to be convinced.

“ We’ll find them” Sam reassured him. “ In the meantime, You focus on getting better...” He concluded cleaning up around and taking the first aid kit in his hands to take it back to your room. He turned around ready to leave the room when Cas stopped him.

“ Sam... Are you all right?” He asked. You looked at Cas puzzled and then your eyes met with Sam’s confused ones.

“ Yes, Cas. Why?” He asked, briefly looking at you as he turned to face Cas.

“ One of those angels mentioned something. They were talking about their last assignments before they joined the Squad. They are about seven angels. And they are different kinds of angels. One of them was talking to a reaper and said that his last assignment was a Winchester. And since Dean is gone... He said he loved the drama and that got me worried...”Cas explained. You looked at Sam with a puzzled look on your face. Nothing out of the ordinary happened lately. You turned to look at Cas again...

“ What kind of angel was he?” You asked.

“ A cupid” Cas said confused himself. Your heart skipped a beat. You looked at Sam. He swallowed hard and looked at you. Cas was beat up by the cupid that set you two up. And that cupid you would have to find and maybe kill. The irony was killing you but it’s not what made your heart beat like a drum. Cas knew that Sam was a cupid’s last assignment. So Cas must probably know that Sam is in love. The fact that it was you obviously never crossed his mind. But you couldn’t let that happen. It was too early for Cas to know that you and Sam were together or even in love. You rushed to answer.

“ Don’t worry Cas. We’re both fine...” Cas’s expression was even more puzzled but he was axhausted and in pain so he didn’t ask any more questions. You turned around to take the first aid kit from Sam’s hands. As you were putting your hands on it you looked at him telling him with your eyes not to say anything to Cas about your relationship. There was a small pause when he was just looking at you trying to decide. Eventually he let the kit go and took a deep breath with which he was showing you he agreed. But he most certainly didn’t like it. But for the time being you wouldn’t have to worry about that too.

You went back to your room and left the kit there. Then you went back to the library. Cas was feeling better and he was trying to walk now. Sam was helping him. As an angel he started healing very fast. In a couple of hours he was better than you ever thought he’d be. Sam was on his computer searching for a lead on the Protective Squad. What a lame name? You cooked something for dinner for you and Sam. Cas was watching TV and he was totally focused on that. After you and Sam ate you picked up the dishes and went back to the kitchen to wash them. You started washing some glasses left there from yesterday when Sam walked in. He came close to you and started helping you with the dishes. You turned your head to smile at him but he wasn’t looking at you. He seemed lost in his thoughts. You decided not to interrupt. Suddenly he stopped washing your dish and spoke.

“ We should tell him...” His voice soft but serious. You knew what he was talking about. He wanted to tell Cas about you two. But you didn’t and you thought you made yourself clear about that. You didn’t agree and you answered firmly.

“ No we shouldn’t” You said to him still washing the dishes trying to put an end to the conversation. But Sam didn’t agree with that either.

“ ( Y/N), He is our friend...” He said turning to face you. His voice was calm but you knew he was starting to get angry. The thing was...so were you.

“ He won’t understand!” You said leaving the dishes next to you and placing your hands on the sink. You raised your voice slightly when you spoke. You weren’t planning on it. You were getting upset. And the worst part was that you didn’t know exactly what was upsetting you so much.

“ You don’t know that!” Sam said raising his voice too. He wasn’t angry yet. He was still trying to convince you and he was of course trying to avoid a fight. He continued still trying to convince you. “ And even if you are right! We should make him understand!”

“ I don’t feel like trying to make Cas understand my damn feeling!” You said raising your voice a little more. You were still trying to make this relationship work. You didn’t need Cas right now feeling your heart and mind with the doubts that you were most certainly sure he would have. And Sam was getting you even more upset. You felt Sam tense next to you. You turned to look at him. He was angry now. Not enough to yell but angry enough.

“ So what? We just shut him out? We shut out our best friend? Huh?” Sam asked you and though his voice was only slightly raised his anger was visible. His expression was a combination of confusion and anger. You could see it in his eyes that part of him thought that this last question would make you change your mind. But he was wrong. Normally it would have changed your mind but now... You were feeling stressed and under a lot of preassure. You didn’t want to tell Cas. That much you knew. But you began to suspect that there was another reason you didn’t want to. You dismissed the thought and reminded yourself that the reason was what you told Sam too.

“ HE WON’T UNDERSTAND” You yelled. There was no reason to yell. But somehow this whole thing was getting you furious. Sam shook his head and looked down trying to hold back. Trying to supress the impulse to yell back at you. He closed his eyes for a brief moment and then opened them again looking at the floor for a second and then raising his head to look at you.

“Ok! You say he won’t understand! If it was Jody would you tell her?” He said looking straight into your eyes. You couldn’t bear the eye contact. You turned to face the sink again. You felt like you’ve been punched. Sam suspected what you just began to realise. Jody most certainly understood but the truth was that you wouldn’t tell her either. In fact you wouldn’t tell anyone. And you just began to understand why. And you didn’t like the answer. Sam read the answer to his question in your eyes. He run his hands through his hair in an attempt to control his anger but this time he couldn’t hold back. He looked back at you and when he spoke his voice was significantly raised.

“ I don’t get it! Why are you so eager to keep this a secret?” You couldn’t bear to hear him a minute longer because the answer to his questions was just hitting you and you let it out just as you began to realise it.

“ Because if this doesn’t work I don’t want OUR friends to look at me like a slut that decided to hook up with you after Dean’s death...” You yelled. And that was the truth. You thought your problem was Cas’s lack of understanding but you were wrong. You were concerned about that too but there was a deeper reason. The reason was that for you it was way to early for the friends you and Sam had to know. Because any friend you both had was a friend of Sam’s long before it was yours. And if you and Sam break up they would most certainly think that you used him. That you just needed him to get over Dean’s death. And using the brother of the man you loved to get over his death is at least slutty. They would never say it to your face but they would most certainly think about it. And you didn’t want that. And you didn’t want them to know about you and Sam until you were feeling safe in this relationship. Maybe you were wrong. Maybe you needed to have more faith in your friends. But right now you couldn’t. You’ve been through enough. All you needed was some time with Sam...Alone. You just needed time to figure out who you were with Sam without anyone else trying to determine that. In a few words. You were just scared that this relationship might not work and if that’s the case what happens after. You really wanted for what you had to last but you couldn’t let the fear of that not happening go and what would that mean for your friends. Of course the way you said it sounded completely wrong. And Sam took it completely wrong. You saw his eyes turning wide open. His expression full of anger and his voice low and trembling when he spoke.

“ Is that what you think we’re doing here?” He said in disbelief. His voice gruff and loud.

“ No! I...” You started explaining but when you spoke a voice interrupted you and it wasn’t Sam’s.

“ Sam?” Cas was standing at the door. He interrupted your fight and he found himself in front of a guilty looking you and an enraged Sam.

“ Cas?” Sam turned to look at him trying to contain his anger towards you. Cas’s eyes traveled from Sam to you and back to Sam.

“ Is something wrong?” He asked confused.

“ No” Sam said running his hand through his face. He was cooling off. His voice was returning to each usual soft tone.

“ Ok! I think I broke my stitches...” Cas said to Sam looking at the blood on Dean’s shirt.

“ All right. I’ll stich you up again...” He said to Cas with his soft voice. You were just standing there watching the scene in front of you. All you wanted to do was hug Sam and tell him what you really meant. What he understood was that you were feeling like a slut being with him. And he couldn’t be more wrong.

“ Thanks...” Cas said and left. Sam turned away from you and started walking towards the door.

“ Sam” You said in a low and calm voice. The apology was quite audible but Sam didn’t even turn to face you. He just stopped. His back turned on you and his voice sounded gruff and angry when he spoke.

“ Don’t!... Not now!” He told you and left the room. You sat on the chair feeling awful.You kept staring at the door for a while. You kept hoping he would come back to talk to you but he didn’t. And you couldn’t blame him.You were the one who needed to talk to him but first you needed to give him the time to cool off.

So you got out from the kitchen, brought another shirt to Cas and searched for a lead on the Protective Squad. Sam was sitting opposite from you searching on his laptop. You looked at him once in a while but you couldn’t talk to him with Cas there. Sam wasn’t looking at you at all. He was actually acting like you weren’t there. His expression was serious all the time. You knew he was still angry. You were desperately looking for a chance to talk to him. You would follow him if he’d get up to go somewhere, like the kitchen for water. But you didn’t get the chance. He decided he would go to sleep and though you thought about following him in the hallway, the way he looked at you when he got up convinced you not to. You went to sleep eventually too, only you didn’t sleep. You were tossing and turning the whole night. You hated fighting with Sam, which you were just beggining to find out since this was your first fight. In your relationship at least. You managed to get some sleep in the early morning hours and when you woke up you went straight to the kitchen. You thought about making breakfast. Maybe that would make him calm down. But when you walked in Sam was already there with Cas. You greeted them both. They both greeted you back but Sam’s greeting was cold and serious. You took a deep breath and ate breakfast. Cas seemed a lot better now. He could walk without any difficulty. You changed his bandages and focused on finding a lead on the angels.

And that’s how the rest of the day went by. Sam wasn’t talking to you and if he did he was cold as ice. At first you thought you could be patient but as time went by and night was close this situation began to take its toll on you. You were feeling sad now and with Cas there you couldn’t talk to Sam. As for the Protective Squad you couldn’t find anything. At least till late at night when Sam spoke to you and Cas. You were changing Cas’s bandages again when he spoke.

“ I think I found something!” His voice low but gruff.

“ What?” You said leaving Cas and getting close to him.

“Two people dead outside of Denver.” He said to you without looking. “ Photos leaked from the crime scene and the entry wound looks a lot like an angel blade.” He said.

“ Then we’ll check it out” You said to him.

“ We’ll leave in the morning” He said to you in his cold voice. The cold voice he was giving you all day. He got up heading to his room. You looked at Cas. He was watching TV again. You turned around and followed Sam. When you got close enough you called him. To your surprise he turned around and looked at you. You got close to him and looked straight into his eyes. He was still angry but now you could also see he was hurt. Which meant he was probably ready to talk.

“ I didn’t mean that I feel like what we have is just hooking up...” You began but he interrupted you.

“ Then what did you mean? Cause if that’s not what you meant, the only thing left is that you don’t think this relationship will work...” He said and left before you had the chance to say anything. And the worst part was that he was right. You were scared that you wouldn’t make it but the way he was acting now was only making your fear worse. Fear mixed with pain. Because you hated seeing him hurt and you were hurt yourself. You walked back to your room. Your footsteps heavy just like your heart. You went straight to your bed and hugged your pillow. How you wished that pillow was Sam? There was nothing you wanted more than for him to open the door and lie down with you but you knew that wouldn’t happen. You felt your eyes watering. And that’s how that night passed by. With you shedding tears on your pillow. When you woke up in the morning your eyes were red. You didn’t want Sam to see that but you doubted he would look you in the eyes anyway. You got dressed and packed your things for the hunt. Once you were ready you walked straight to the library where you found Sam with his bag and Cas ready to leave. Cas greeted you while Sam just murmured a greeting without looking at you. You left your back on the table next to Sam’s and went to find some books that might be useful.

“ All right. I’ll wait for you in the car...” Cas said and went outside. You turned to look at him as he was leaving and just as you were ready to return to your books you saw Sam lifting your back along with his. You left the books on the table and turned to him. You took this as a good sign. Maybe this time he was actually ready to talk. So you decided to say something familiar to you both.

“ I can still carry my own bag” You said smiling to him.

“ I know” He said but his voice was so cold again. His face expressionless. The smile disappeared from your face. You turned to your books as you heard Sam’s footsteps heading away. You felt your heart physically hurt and your throat closing. Your eyes filled with tears. You felt two thick teardrops crossing your cheeks and falling on your hands as you heard Sam heading away...

**Sam’s point of view**

I had every intention to walk away. But then I heard her sniff. I know she didn’t want me to hear it. But I did. And that was all I needed to realise I went too far. I made her cry. And it wasn’t the first time. I could pretend I didn’t see her red eyes when she walked in all I wanted. But I did see them. And they were like a shot through the heart.

I stop walking and I leave the bags down. I take a deep breath. I’ve been acting like a jerk. But she scared me. When she said that our friends would consider her a slut. When she said she thought that what we have might not work. She scared the hell out of me. I thought that I was losing her. And I let anger consume me. So much that I didn’t even let her explain. Or let myself think why she said what she said. I was expecting her to apologise to me for what she said. To knock on my door and say she is sorry. But how could I ever ask something like that from her? How could I ask her to apologise for getting scared? Cause that’s what happened. What her words meant was that she is scared. Scared of losing me as much as I am scared of losing her. I doubt she even knows that. She is the kind of person that is afraid of being scared. She would shut out the thought that she is scared. And she is afraid that what we have won’t work out in the end. And with my reaction I only made things worse. And I know that because I’m scared we won’t make it too. And if she suddenly started to act the way I was I would feel way worse. It’s not easy to be together. And we knew it from the first moment. So I should stop acting like a jerk and give her the chance to make things right the way she feels like doing it.

I turn around and get close to her. I see her body tense and I can’t help but notice how vulnerable she looks. I raise my hand and brush her arm. I feel her tense body relax under my touch. The reaction she has to my touch makes my heart skip a beat. She sniffs once again. She removes my hand from her arm. I feel my heart drop. But then she turns around and looks me straight in the eyes. Her eyes so wide. Tears glistening lighting up her stare. Her (Y/E/C) eyes looking at me challenging me to do something. To show her a reaction. I know what she is doing. She is manipulating me. She is using one of her beautiful soft manipulations that make me love her even more and keep me trapped in her eyes too. She wants me to see her eyes full of tears, so that I will hold her in my arms. And I know that if I turn away those eyes will let these tears go breaking my heart. And what pushes me over the edge is the fact that she doesn’t even know she is manipulating me. Everything takes place in her subconcious. But It’s working so damn well. I give her a small smile. Her eyes get even more wide and I feel my heart beating like a drum.

“ Are you going to hug me or not?” She asks me and her voice is soft and breaking. But I’m frozen. I can’t move. I’m lost in her eyes. And she knows that. She steps forward and she wrapps her arms around me burrying her face in my chest. And I know that even though she seems confident in her move her heart is about to burst from fear that I won’t respond. But my arms move on their own. I close her in my hug and hold her there for a while.So small and so vulnerable in my arms. I feel her pulling back and I soften my grip. I move my hands and place them on either side of her face. I wipe away two tears from her cheeks and I feel guilty for causing them. I lower my head and press my lips to hers. So soft and so warm. I wish I could stay in that kiss forever. But I pull back because we have to go. She rests her head on my chest. I kiss the top of her head and I let her go to grab our bags and head to the car.

She followed me and we entered the car where Cas was waiting in the back seat. She smiled at me and I smiled back. The drive was calm. She actually was in the mood to sing though. I like it when she sings. She wasn’t singing pasionately. Not today. But she was murmuring the songs that were stuck in her head. She usually does that when she is happy. We arrived at Denver before lunch. We booked two rooms at a hotel. One for me and Cas and one for (Y/N). We usually booked one room with two beds. But things changed now. We are not just friends which makes things complicated. And this is our first hunt after we got together. She still doesn’t want Cas to know. I still don’t like it. But I won’t push things for now. After we got settled we left Cas at the hotel to get some rest and we went straight to the morgue. Turns out I was right this really was an angel blade. And now there is no doubt that this is the Protective Squad. There where some things written in Enochian on their chests. This wasn’t visible in the leaked photos. They were just showing the death wound. (Y/N) sent photos to Cas and he translated it as “ We want what we earned. P.S.” P.S.! (Y/N) was laughing for ten minutes when she heard that. For some reason she thought that P.S. standing for Protective Squad was the most hillarious thing she heard in the past year. But still there was nothing that could lead us to them. Their location. Cas said he couldn’t sense them either. So we decided to stay there for a couple of days in case something happens that can lead us to them. I don’t like it. But it’s the best we can do for now.

So we went for lunch and then returned to the hotel. (Y/N) decided to spend sometime in our room while I was on my computer and Cas was watching TV. She put her headphones on and lied on the bed. I was checking for something that could lead us to the P.S. ( She is right! It’s rediculous!) and somehow I found myself looking at trivia about witches. There was something there that caught my eye and I turned around to ask her. She is an expert when it comes to witches after all. But when I turned to look at her she was asleep. Her breathing was slow and deep. I knew I had to look away but I just couldn’t. She was so peaceful. So beautiful. I could easily see myself getting up and getting close to her. To remove some stray hair off her face. To run my fingers on her cheek... Or just lie next to her wrapping my arms around her. And I can see her turning in her sleep to burry her face in my chest. Feeling her warm breath against me... I feel my heartbeat rising. Like always when I look at her. And at the same time I notice Cas looking at me. I feel like I was caught doing something I shouldn’t be doing. I swallow hard and I look at him feeling all sweaty. I clear my throat and return to my computer.

And that’s how time went by till afternoon. I was feeling tired and I wanted some sleep. I was ready to go to the other bed in the room and have some sleep. But suddenly (Y/N)’s phone rang. She heard it immediately. She literally jumped off the bed and searched around still half asleep for her phone. I was just looking at her searching. I was ready to get up and help her when she finally found it. It was somewhere between the sheets. She took it in her hands and looked at the number. She gave me a strange look. I looked at her confused. She answered the phone.

“ Yes?” She said on the phone. I was watching her talk hoping to understand what was going on. “ oh! Good!....Why?....Ok...” At this point she scratched her forehead. “ When will you get them?...All right... thank you....” She said and hang up. I looked at her asking her with my eyes what just happened.

“ Apparently...” She started explaining to me rubbing her eyes. She was still kind of sleepy. “ They found some short of dirt on the victims’ shoes and they sent it to the lab. They will get the results in about 30 minutes and they want us to help them figure out what the results would mean...” She said and grabbed her jacket.

“ Oh! Wait...” I say and I touch her arm to stop her. “ This might be a trap...” I tell her and I actually believe it is.

“ Actually to me it feels more like a lead...” She says casually and she steps away from me looking for my car keys.

“ Really, ( Y/N)? The sheriff calls in the afternoon asking for us to check results for a test they didn’t even tell us they were running? How does that not sound like a trap?” I ask with every intention not to go and not let her go either.

“ If you don’t want to come you can stay here...” She smiles at me and then she winked at me. I take a pissed look. This is no time for jokes.

“ You’re not going alone...” I tell her and she understands I’m serious about this.

“ Sam is right...” Cas said still watching TV. What’s with him and television? He didn’t spoke from the beggining because he feels that because he can’t fight he should let me and ( Y/N) handle the situation. I felt better with him taking my side, though. I look at him and then back at (Y/N). I give her a look that says “ see? I’m right”. I expect her to give me back an angry look but instead she chuckles. How much can I love that smile? I try not to think about that and I give her a confused look. So does Cas.

“ Sorry to break it to you boys. But If Sam is right... There is no way we are both going to the police station...” I look at her even more confused and she explains right away... “ If this is a trap, the target could be either me and you” She said gesturing at herself and me. “ Or you...” She said pointing at Cas. “ Think about it. They have nothing against me and Sam but we know for sure that Cas is on their list. So they either want to deal with me and Sam there or they want us to leave Cas alone now that he can’t fight. We can’t possibly know what they are actually planning but Cas can’t stay on his own... So one of us has to stay...” She is right. There is a chance thay want to trap Cas after we leave him alone. Indeed one of us has to stay. I look at her and nod. Of course there is the question who stays and who goes. It’s pretty clear to me and her for different reasons. She wants to go because she doesn’t think it’s a trap but I want her to go exactly because I think it’s a trap. To me it sounds more possible for the P.S. to want to trap Cas so it’s probably safer for her to go. Still I feel worried sick for the chance that the target is me and her. I don’t like it. It feels too risky. I scratch my forehead trying to decide. She moves close to me. I let my hand drop and look in her eyes. She can see I don’t like it but she is smiling.

“ I’m just as good as you are in kicking angel asses...” She tells me. I give her a silent chuckle in return. She steps on her toes and presses her lips on my cheek. I close my eyes for a brief moment. I want to kiss her lips so much right now but with Cas there I won’t make a move. When I look at him being so focused on the movie he is watching I feel so tempted but I just wave at her as she closes the door behind her.

She is gone for about half an hour and I am nervous. And it’s pretty obvious. I sit down and I can’t stop tapping my leg. I get up and start pacing for a while. I check my phone every now and then in case she called or texted and I didn’t hear it. At this point I feel like it was a bad idea to let her go after all but I know that this is my worried part that’s talking. I get up once more and walk around the room once more. I’m lost in my thoughts when Cas interrupts me.

“ Are you worried about her?” He asks. He is sitting on the bed looking at me now.

“ Yes. Yes I am...” I answer calmly though I don’t feel calm at all.

“ It’s different this time...” He says and I turn to look at him. I feel even more nervous now. H e doesn’t look at me at first. He reacts like what he said needs no explanation but when he looks at me he continues. “ It’s more intense now. Sweaty palms... fast heartbeat. Although that’s hardly new since your heartbeat rises whenever she is around...Also your pupils get dialated...” He talks casually but I swallow hard because I know where this is going. I just turn around with no intention to answer. There is a small pause in which I am trying to control my heartbeat with no success.

“ I remember what that cupid said...” I hear this sentense and I know I can’t avoid it. I swallow hard once more and take a deep breath trying to relax. I turn around to look at Cas. He looks me staright in the eyes and asks. “ Sam...Are you in love with her?” I was expecting the question but somehow Ifreeze. I swallow hard trying to decide what to do. The answer of course is yes but I can’t tell Cas that. But not telling him doesn’t feel right either. No matter what I say I hurt someone. If I say no I hurt my friend because I’m lying to him. If I say yes I’m hurting her. I’m actually doing the exact opposite of what she wants. And after the fight we had... I don’t want another fight. Lying to Cas doesn’t feel right. Telling him behind her back doesn’t feel right either. I turn to look at him. My hands turned into fists as I make my decision...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm reallyyyy sorry for the delay but something really important came up BUT.... new chapter tommorow!


	14. Something happened on the way to Heaven part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by this song:  
> Phill Collins - Something happened on the way to Heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another song is:  
> Europe - Carrie

I know what’s the only answer I can give to this question. I know she won’t like it. I know it too damn well. And I know that with my answer i’m taking a huge risk. She will get angry anyway but if Cas doesn’t take it well things will be worse. And she will be right for not wanting to tell him. But still somehow I think she will understand why I said it. Cas already knows. Is there really any point in hiding it? I don’t like crossing her like that and I really hope she will understand but Cas is our friend for years. So I take a deep breath and I answer.

“ Yes, Cas. I am...” There! I said it! “ And she is in love with me...” I feel like my heart will explode. I feel like Cas’ reaction will actually determine how (Y/N) will feel about me telling him. To my surprise he just nodded. I look at him confused. “ You’re not shocked or something?” I chuckle in disbelief.

“ I already knew for some time now so...” He answers to me and I can’t help but think what was the point in hiding it in the first place. Cas probably heard our heartbeats and saw our dialated pupils. Physical effects of being in love. Of course he figured it out. Actually I begin to suspect that this is the reason he was so focused on TV these days. He was trying to be discreet. I feel like a weight was lifting off my chest. Cas looks at me and asks again. “ Are you two...?”

“ Together?” I finish his sentense. And I answer his question immediately. “ Yes, we are...” my voice sounds gruff. I am waiting for his reaction with my heart beating like a drum. I feel my palms sweating.

“ How long?” He asks me and I feel surprised he doesn’t seem shocked or angry or something like what ,I have to admit, I was expecting too.

“ Less than a month...” I answer and my voice sounds gruff again.I hesitate for a moment. He is calm and I watch him process the information. I look at him and then I move to sit next to him on the bed.

“ It makes sense...” He says and I look at him waiting for him to continue. I recognise the look on his face and I know he is trying to think about this rationally. “ You got close after Dean’s death. Falling in love seems inevitable... You were both very emotional and you felt vulnerable...” He too a deep breath and continued. “I know that when someone loses the person they love...they eventually love someone else. But I never thought that you would be that person for (Y/N).” He turned to look at me. “ And the fact that you are Dean’s brother makes things...” He rolled his eyes trying to find the right word so I finished his sentense for him again.

“ Complicated...” I say. My voice sounds gruff and I have my eyes locked on the floor in front of me because I know that Cas is right. And I also know that now we get to the hard part. The part where I try to explain how I feel. So I decide to talk before Cas does. I take a deep breath and I start without looking at him. “ Listen, Cas... There are only a handful of people in our lives that we love more than anything and we would do anything for them... And we know that we love them no matter what happens. For me that was my brother. And that will never change... For ( Y/N) one of those was my brother too. And that will never change for her either...” I take a deep breath and I continue. “ But for ( Y/N) one of those is me too... She will never forget Dean and she will always love him...But she loves me too... It’s not easy and it sure as hell is complicated... but when you find someone that you love so much and they love you too you can’t just let it go just because it feels complicated...” I talk about (Y/N) because I really want Cas to understand how she feels. Maybe she would be better at making him understand but she doesn’t even want to try. And since I’m crossing her and i’m dong this when I know she doesn’t want me to I have to make Cas understand. First of all because if he does she probably won’t be that mad at me. And of course because I want to make sure that Cas will never think of her like the slut she thinks he would. I doubt Cas would ever look at her like that but I really want him to understand and make sure of that. Because I know that when she finds out she will feel better too. Cas looks at me. He seems to understand. And I start to calm down.

“ Is she one of those for you too?” He asks me. I didn’t expect that question. I was actualy expecting him to ask something about how she feels not how I feel. But I smile cause the answer to this question is very simple to me. I look in front of me lost in my thoughts and I answer.

“ Yes,Cas...She is...” I turn my head to look at him. He looks at me with a vague smile. A smile that shows me he understands. There is a small pause when neither of us talks. And then Cas broke the silence.

“ Are you happy together?” He asks me with that smile on his face. I raise my head a bit and I look in front of me without really looking. I see her in front of me. The way she smiles after a kiss. The way her eyes were full of tears when she hugged me that morning. Her face when she told me she wants to be with me. Her smile when she left half an hour ago. The way I feel whenever she is around...

“ Yeah...” I say still lost in my thoughts. My mind is back to reality fast. I turn my head to look at Cas. “ Yeah, we are...” I say. There is silence for a while. Cas is calm and I ‘m trying to understand how is that possible. I played the conversation again in my mind. I never thought Cas would understand that easily how ( Y/N) feels or even how I feel. And I begin to realise that he doesn’t. Not fully. But he doesn’t care. He is actually being an amazing friend. He doesn’t get it. Not completely. So instead of trying to figure out the complicated feelings that work here. Feelings that we ourselves haven’t understood yet. He is focusing on what feels more important to him. Wether (Y/N) and me are happy together. And that’s all that matters to him now. He probably thought that he will understand how we feel exactly, in time. I don’t know. But I’m happy that this is all he needs to be ok with this. I’m pretty sure (Y/N) will be happy to. When I tell her...

“ Dean would be happy for you...” Cas broke the silence and I was startled. I look at him surprised. Not just because he spoke so suddenly but also for what he said. The only person that said that so far was Jody. And truth is that this thought still runs through my mind as a question. Is Dean happy for us? Would he ever be? I want to believe he would. But I never thought Cas would ever say that. It means so much to me to hear it from him too. And I know it would mean a lot to (Y/N) too.I feel like I was so right for wanting to tell Cas. I feel lighter inside. He looks at me with his kind smile and I’m happy to have a friend like him. But there is one last thing I have to say to him. He can’t say (Y/N) he knows. Not before I tell her that I told him. Cas doesn’t know that she didn’t want him to know. I have to ask him to keep this between us until I tell her. She won’t like it. But since it went so well things might be better. I don’t want us to fight again. And I’ll try to avoid it. So I open my mouth to tell Cas not to tell her that he knows. And as I open my mouth the door opens too.

**Your point of view**

You opened the door and walked in the hotel room. Two faces turned to look at you. Cas and Sam looked stunned sitting side by side on the bed. What’s with their expression? It’s like they didn’t expect you to be back. What? They were so sure you were walking into a trap?

“ Well...since I’m here and you two are here too...unharmed. we can safely assume that it wasn’t a trap...” You said and smiled to them. You were certain from the beggining it wasn’t a trap but you couldn’t shake away the small doubt that you might be wrong. Sam looked relieved to see you and he was already up getting close to you to hug you. You were feeling relieved too and his hug was more than welcome. He wrapped his arms around you for what he intended to be a brief hug but when you looked over his shoulder and saw Cas wasn’t looking your way you took advantage of the opportunity and wrapped your arms around his neck closing your eyes and keeping him there for a few extra seconds. Sam pulled away and looked at you obviously calmer.

“ So... what did you find?” He asked you.

“ Not much...” You said walking towards the bed. You sat down and covered your eyes with your hands. You could feel them burn from tireness. “ They actually found traces of sycamore but I don’t know how that helps us if it helps us at all...” You said letting your hands drop. You raised your head to look at Sam. He wasn’t looking at you. He was lost in his thoughts. His face slightly lowered and his eyes moving fast as he was trying to figure something out.

“ What?” You asked looking at him confused. He didn’t answer you he just went straight to his laptop. You got up and stood behind him.

“ While I was doing research for the victims I actually found an add about a park consisted completely out of sycamore trees and the name is...” He said and clicked on a link. You saw photos of a park and sycamore trees appearing on the screen. And on the top of the page there was the park’s logo.

“ Angel’s park...” You read realising what Sam meant.

“ Can’t be a coincidense...” He said turning his head and lifting it a bit to look at you.

“ I don’t think it is...” You heard Cas’s voice from behind you. “ We should check it out...” He continued. You turned to look at him as Sam was getting up and putting on his jacket.

“ No!” You said chuckling. “ WE shouldn’t...Me and Sam should...” You said and you saw Cas opening his mouth in frastration and anger.

“ Right! Cause you are the experts when it comes to angels...” He said looking at you with anger. You sighed in disappointment. You were hoping he wouldn’t put up a fight about this but you were wrong.

“ Cas...” Sam interrupted your converstaion with his soft and calm voice. He sounded really serious but when Cas turned his head to look at him he still had that angry look on his face. Sam continued in the same tone. “ ( Y/N) is right. You’re hurt and you’re a target...” He sighed. “ Maybe you should sit this one out...”

Cas looked at both of you stunned for a couple of seconds. Then he started pacing for a while. Finally he took a deep breath and looked back at you.

“ If you need help...” He started saying but you knew what he was going to say. You would call him if you needed help. So you interrupted him...

“ Promise...” You said smiling. You got close to him and kissed his cheek. You knew he still didn’t like staying back but you also knew it was safer for him.

You and Sam got ready to leave in about five minutes. Sam made sure you had all the weapons you would need and you painted sigils in the hotel room. It wasn’t safe to leave Cas alone when he couldn’t protect himself without something to fight the angels off besides an angel blade. After you were done you got outside and entered Sam’s car. The park was about 15 minutes away from the hotel. When you got there Sam gave you an angel blade while still in the car.

“ So what’s the plan?” You asked looking at him.

“ We watch each other’s backs...” He answered you without looking at you. There was a moment of silence and then he turned his head to look at you. “ You stay behind me...” He said and waited for your answer. You took a deep breath. You didn’t like it when he treated you like you couldn’t handle a case. Dean was far worse on that matter for sure but Sam made you feel weak too. But you knew this wasn’t the time to resolve this so you just nodded.

Sam got out of the car and you followed him. You looked around. The park was dark. You wouldn’t use a flashlight though. It would be best if you didn’t make your presence noticed. You followed Sam as he was walking into the park. It was hard to be quiet because the leaves made a crunchy noise on your every step. You couldn’t ignore the fact that even though it was so dark and the sight was spooky if nothing else it was also very beautiful. The trees were kind of scary but the smell of the wet ground reminded you of...time off...Maybe you and Sam should take some time off after this.

You were deep inside the park now and there was no sign of angels around. You were ready to head back when Sam saw something sparkling for a second behind one tree. You saw it too. It looked like an angel blade and you could swear you saw someone move behind that tree. Sam turned to you and he made a small movement with his finger indicating that he would go toward the tree and you would follow him. You nodded. He took the first step and you were ready to follow him when you heard something behind you. Something like the leaves crunching only it wasn’t under yours or Sam’s foot. You turned around and headed the other way towards the tree behind you where you thought you saw something moving. You were holding your angel blade tight on your hand ready to attack anything that would make a move on you. You took one step closer... One more...And...

You heard Sam screaming. Your heart skipped a beat and you felt adrenaline running through your body. Your hands full of energy. Eyes wide open ready to attack anything that hurt the man you loved. You turned around in no time. You caught a glimpse of Sam on the ground and an angel putting his hand on his forehead. You were ready to scream when an angel jumped on your back and knocked you down. You tried to get up again but he was already on top of you. You couldn’t move. He had one hand on your face to keep you down but it also stopped your screams. You felt the angel blade slipping from your hands. You were trying to move in any way possible but he had you good. And when you realised there was no way you could get out of this without help fear came over you. Fear because you would probably die. And fear because Sam would die too. You didn’t see any bright lights which meant that probably Sam was still alive. Now that you focused on that for a second while still struggling to free yourself you even heard him struggling to defeat the angel that captured him. And then you heard a voice in your ear. The angel holding you down had leaned on you to talk.

“ You wanted to put this through my heart? Let’s see if you’ll like this done to you...” He said and showed you your angel blade. Your eyes were filled with tears and you made a sudden move. A desperste attempt to get free. You manged to free your hand. You pushed his hand back as he was trying to plant the angel blade in your heart. He was stronger than you. You were trying with all your strength to keep the blade away. But now it was only inches from your chest and you could see the bloodthirst on the angel’s eyes. You thought that was the end.

You heard Sam screaming your name. It was too dark he couldn’t see you. And something in his voice made you understand that he was screaming because he was in danger not because he couldn’t see you. You felt fear paralyzing your body and at the same time making you stronger. You gave a strong push to the angel on top of you and to your surprise that made him back off enough for you to free your other hand and one leg to kick him off. You knocked him down but you hit your head in the process. You grabbed your angel blade from his hand while still on the ground next to him. You turned a bit with a sudden move and stabbed him. You heard Sam screaming again and you saw an angel on top of him too. You tried to move but everything was spinning. You couldn’t move. You were just watching the man you loved screaming for your help being unable to help him in any way. Your heart was beating faster than ever before. You could feel it in every part of your body. You were still trying to get up. Desperately. You slowly made it as Sam was screaming for you once more. And then you saw another angel stabbing the one Sam was battling. You run as fast as you could close to him and you saw more angels coming out from the darkness. But they weren’t attacking you. They were attacking a small group of angels only five feet from you. The remaining Protective Squad because two were already killed. You looked at Sam. His eyes wide open in shock. As the angels were aproaching them one of them screamed to their leader.

“ YOU BROUGHT WINCHESTERS FOR HELP! HOW PATHETIC ARE YOU? TOO BAD THE LOVEBIRDS WILL BE DEAD BEFORE YOU GET HERE!!!” He finished his sentense and attacked you but you killed him pretty easily! As he was falling down you saw the bow on his palm. This was the cupid that set you up. The irony could kill you. Another angel attacked Sam but Sam killed him in no time. The other angels were attacing the rest of the Protective Squad.You wanted to help but the Protective Squad was down before you could do anything. You looked at Sam and he looked at you. You moved closer to him. After the Protective Squad was neutrilized the other angels gathered together. You were watching the angels forming a small army in front of you. They were all in place in a minute. There was no point in running ,you wouldn’t get far. One of them stepped forward and at the same time you felt someone touching the back of your heads. You felt a sharp pain on your chest and hands and then your whole body and suddenly nothing. Someone healed you. Before you could turn around to see who it was Cas stepped in front of you from behind. What the hell was he doing here? He was supposed to stay back. You felt relieved, angry and happy at the same time. An angel took some steps away from the rest. He stood in front of them about four feet away from you.

“ Castiel...” The angel in front spoke. He was calm and serious. “ Your mission was to track not attack...”

“ The Protective Squad was a threat!” Cas said surprised by what the angel thought.

“It wasn’t your place!...” The other angel answered “As for you...” He said and turned his head to look at you and Sam. You stepped away from Sam feeling back to your old fiery self again. “ You should have stayed away...” he concluded.

“ Is this your way of saying thank you?” Sam asked being sarcastic.

“ This is me saying that you shouldn’t deal with the affairs of heaven...or else...” He said with no intention to continue his sentense.

“ Or else?” You asked in a sarcstic tone.

“ Or else...” He answered calmly and the threat in his voice was obvious. You gave him a pissed look right before he disappeared along with every other angel besides Cas. “ ASSHOLES!” You yelled in the air. Cas turned around and looked at you and Sam.

“ Come on you two” He said to you and he walked past you. You followed him as he went straight to Sam’s car. You all got into the car and drove back to the hotel. Cas explained to you that he heard that the angels would attack on angel radio and he heard one of them saying that you were there. He couldn’t stay back. He figured you would need his help. You both told him that he put himself in danger and that he should have stayed at the hotel but you also thanked him. Rather than that you didn’t speak. You were all disappointed in the way things turned out. In your mind this was a case gone wrong and it almost cost you your lives. As for the Protective Squad. They were all dead. Not that you were feeling sad for the bloodthirsty angels that killed two people but this wasn’t supposed to go down like that. You didn’t want to stay at Denver a minute longer and neither did Sam. You and Sam packed the few things you unpacked and went back to the car with Cas. You started driving back home. You only exchanged a few words. Sam sounded distant. His voice still had that soft tone but somehow it was kind of cold. You didn’t blame him. He was probably disappointed and exhausted just like you were. You arrived in early morning hours. You stepped out of the car and so did Sam. Cas walked out too. You walked towards the door and suddenly you noticed that Cas wasn’t following.

“ Cas?” Sam turned around and look at Cas. Cas raised his head and looked at you.

“ You guys go...” He said. “ I think I should go back to Heaven...and ...help” He said not sure what the right word was. Help! You knew that he was doing that for Hannah. She was one of the few good angel friends he had and he knew that she would probably be in trouble now. But still he was putting himself in danger. You sighed and talked to him.

“ Cas you don’t owe them anything...” You started saying but Cas interrupted you.

“ I still serve Heaven...” He said giving you a sweat melancholic smile. You couldn’t help but give him one back. You walked close to him and hugged him.

“ Goodbuy Cas!” You said closing your eyes briefly to enjoy the hug of one of your best friends. You pulled back and he gave you one more smile. You stepped on the side and allowed Sam to hug Cas too.

“ Goodbuy Sam!” Cas said as he was pulling away.

“ Goodbuy!” Sam replied with a smile. Cas stepped away a bit and he was ready to vanish when he looked at both of you once more and said.

“ Good luck, you two!” He was smiling like he was talking about a secret that only the three of you knew. He seemed pretty satisfied with his wish. You chuckled confused. You thought it sounded like a wierd wish but it was Cas so... You turned to look at Sam to share your confusion with him but what you saw was a silently chuckling Sam saying “ Thanks”. For a moment you got even more confused. Then Sam turned to look at you and your smile was gone just like his. What you could clearly see in his eyes was... guilt... You connected the dots in a matter of seconds and looked back at him with a pissed look. He told Cas about you. You turned to look at Cas but he was already gone. You felt rage building up inside you. How could he go behind your back and not even telling you afterwards? You felt your heart beating fast and your hands turned into fists. You turned your head to look at him once more with the same pissed look. Then you just grabbed your bag from his hand and walked inside really fast. You threw your bag on the table and walked past it.You wanted to lock yourself in your room. Anywhere away from him in a desperate attempt not to punch him. But his voice stopped you.

“ We’re not gonna talk about this?” He asked and his voice was not that soft now. You were already heading to your room trying to contain your anger to avoid another fight but when you heard Sam talking you snapped. You turned around. You gave him an intense look and walked fast towards him. He was about two feet away from the stairs. You felt all the anger boiling inside you and you let it out.

“ Talk about what? YOU CROSSED ME ,SAM!” You yelled at him. You couldn’t stay put and wait for him to answer. You were feeling like you had to do something to stop yourself from screaming again. You turned around and aproached your bag and opened it. You started getting stuff out without really realising what you were doing.

“ To be fair...” You heard Sam from behind and you turned to look at him again. He didn’t seem very angry. Not like you were. But he wasn’t apologising either. “ You were wrong. Cas is ok with it. He understood...So I was right to want to tell him in the first place...”

It was true. Cas obviously was ok with it. The way he wished you good luck was proof of that. That was a relief. But Sam forgot the part of Cas thinking of you as a slut if you two break up. You were looking straight into Sam’s eyes and you were feeling the anger inside you pushing you to tell him that. But you didn’t want to hurt him again like this and after all, that was not what mattered the most to you now. You didn’t care if Cas understood or not...

“ THAT’S NOT THE POINT! You crossed me, Sam. You went BEHIND MY BACK!” You couldn’t stop yourself from yelling. You could feel your heart beating like a drum because of anger. Because what drove you so crazy was not the fact that Sam told Cas. What made you mad was the fact that he did it behind your back when he knew too damn well you didn’t want him to. He broke your trust! This time his eyes narrowed and you saw him getting pissed off. You thought it was because you yelled but you were wrong...

“ And you didn’t cross me?” He said raising his voice slightly and you could see he was barely holding his anger back now. You thought this was because you lied to him about the photo but you were wrong. You gave him a confused and pissed look and he continued. “ You were supposed to be behind me! That was the plan!” He said and it took you a second to understand what he was talking about. Then it hit you! He was talking about the hunt you were on only hours ago. You took a deep breath and answered.

“ I heard something, I went to check it out...I thought it was the right thing to do!” You said crossing your hands on your chest. You were confused and angry at the same time. But your answer pissed off Sam even more.

“ The right thing to do? YOU ALMOST GOT US BOTH KILLED!!!” He yelled at you. His voice gruff and full of rage. Like the fights he used to have with Dean. Like the fight you two had at Danny’s. Back then it scared you a bit but now you were so angry with him too. You weren’t feeling any other feeling but anger. You were barely holding back not to punch him. You knew too damn well you almost got killed. But it was so unfair to put this on you. And even if you accept that it was on you, why the fact that you thought that it was the right thing to do wasn’t enough for him? Another thought crossed your mind at that point. Sam was kind of cold all the way home. What? Was he pissed and he was trying to hide it? You didn’t care. Your hands turned to fists you yelled at him again releasing all your anger.

“ FOR THE LAST TIME! I THOUGHT IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO!!! WHY THE HELL IS THAT NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!!!!” And as your words were getting out of your mouth your mind figured out an answer to this question. If it was any other hunter Sam would be ok with this answer believing that they were good hunters and they had their reasons. But he wasn’t ok when it came to you. Because he doesn’t believe you are a good hunter!!! And that explains why he wanted you behind him. That thought made you even more pissed as if that was possible! After all you’ve been through he was still thinking you weren’t good enough!

“ I CALLED FOR YOU AND YOU WEREN’T THERE!” He yelled pointing at you with his finger. His voice louder than before and gruff. His body slightly trembling to control his anger. He wasn’t doing a very good job! You heard those words and in your heart you felt that this was an excuse and driven by your anger you decided to push him to tell you what he really thought.

“ THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME A HUNT GOES WRONG! WHAT’S DIFFERENT THIS TIME? YOU THINK I SHOULD HAVE FOLLOWED YOUR PLAN NO MATTER WHAT? YOU THINK I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO MAKE DECISIONS ON MY OWN? WHY DON’T YOU FUCKING TELL ME WHAT YOU REALLY THINK!!!!” You yelled at him. Your body was aching from trying to sound louder and louder. Your anger reached a peak that it hadn’t reached for a long long time. You could feel your face radiating heat as your voice was coming out and you were certain that you looked like an animal ready to attack. Somewhere inside you were expecting to see fear in Sam’s face but what you saw was even more anger.

“YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I THINK?” He yelled and then you saw him calming down. Not emotionally, physically. He took a deep breath and when he spoke again his voice was in a normal tone. Still way to gruff though. And he was breathing heavily. You had a confused and utterly pissed look on your face waiting for his answer. And it came but it wasn’t what you were expecting. “ If that was Dean...You would have been there!” He said and you could see how pissed and hurt he was. Your jaw dropped. You didn’t expect that. It wasn’t a jealous thing. You could see it in his eyes. He believed that you cared more for Dean when he was alive than you do for him. His eyes were locked on you and his expression didn’t reveal anything more than anger and pain. You felt something inside hurting you too. But you didn’t let it take over. You were still so angry and you didn’t have the patiense to hug him and explain him he was wrong. You weren’t convinced he didn’t believe you were a bad hunter. And of course he was the one who crossed you in the first place! Yet you couldn’t just let it go. So you spoke but the anger was still there and you could barely hold it back. Your voice was back to its normal tone though. You were trying to keep yourself calm but the trembling in your voice made it clear that you couldn’t be patient for long.

“This is rediculous!” You said and continued. “ With that logic I shouldn’t be on that hunt in the first place. Dean would never let me into danger by letting me come on that hunt! That doesn’t mean you would put me in danger!” Your point was that Dean was extremely overprotective and he would never let you hunt not without fighting with him first. Sam always thought that this was wrong from Dean’s part and he was always taking your side on that fight. Which resulted in you taking some action instead of only research. He was protective too but not overprotective. And you were greatfull for that. And what you just said you were trying to show him that he shouldn’t put Dean into the mix. Because if it was Dean instead of Sam things would have been very different. You were trying to show him that the fact that Sam took you on that hunt didn’t mean he didn’t care and therefore because you weren’t there when he called doesn’t mean you didn’t care. You were trying to show him that both thoughts were irrational! You couldn’t be there and you knew very well that he didn’t know that, because it was dark and he couldn’t see you but assuming that you wouldn’t be there for him was wrong in the first place. After all you’ve said to him and after all you’ve been through he had no right to think that. You were feeling anger building up inside you again. And when you looked at Sam you saw anger in his face too and even more pain. For a second you couldn’t understand why. He was just looking at you pissed off. And there is only one explanation for that. He actually thought he put your life in danger. And why would he think that? Because he believed you weren’t good enough. You were feeling your blood boiling. But you were still in control enough to think that your assumption might be wrong. You didn’t care at that point. You didn’t have the patiense now to deal with whatever Sam was feeling. He was just looking at you with the pissed look you knew all too well. You finally shook your head and raised your hand on a gesture that meant “ I rest my case...” and turned around to leave and lock yourself in your room before you say anything you’d regret. But Sam stopped you.

“ What? You’re leaving? Of course you do! That’s what you do whenever things get tough!” He said and his voice was slightly raised. You heard his words and you snapped. You were trying to hold back for so long but you just couldn’t any more. You turned around to face a pissed off Sam. You moved close to him quickly again and you could feel your head ache as rage was building up inside you again.

“ AND WHAT DO YOU WANT ME DO? STAY HERE HAVING YOU LOOKING AT ME PISSED OFF AND WAIT FOR YOU TO FEEL LIKE TALKING TO ME?” You yelled. He wasn’t answering which drove you even more mad. You could see rage building up inside him too. And he wasn’t answering trying to hold back. But you couldn’t hold back anymore! “ WHY DON’T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK? HUH? WHAT?... YOU THINK I MADE A MISTAKE ON THE HUNT? YOU THINK ME COMING ON THE HUNT WAS A MISTAKE? YOU THINK TRUSTING ME WAS A MISTAKE? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK SAM WINCHESTER? WHAT’S SUCH A BIG MISTAKE TO Y...” But Sam spoke before you could finish your sentense.

“ I DON’T KNOW (Y/N)! MAYBE **WE** ARE A MISTAKE!!!!” His voice loud and gruff. His arms open wide. His face trembling and red because of rage. You’ve never seen Sam like that. He couldn’t hold back either! And so he said it!

When you heard those words your anger was gone. You felt like you’ve been shot. A sharp pain in your chest. Your heart skipped a beat and then it just dropped. Sank! It broke into million little pieces.You felt a bit dizzy. Like you lost the earth under your feet. You were feeling numb. Like you couldn’t move or say anything. Like you were shot! You couldn’t believe Sam said that. Your worst fear was coming true. These words actually came out of his mouth. You were feeling your heart beating slowly and every beat was so painful that you actually wanted to scream. You were feeling like somebody stabbed your heart over...and over again! Your eyes wide open not really seeing anything. You were feeling like you couldn’t breathe. Like every breath, even the smallest was another shot through your chest. You felt your forehead sweating. Cold sweat. You were still feeling like you were out of balance. Like you just lost the world around you. And then you felt the floor under your feet again. And you started realising what just happened.You started coming back from the shock real quick. You swallowed hard your eyes wide open facing Sam’s chest. Your heart beating in every part of your body so loud and so painfully. You run your hand through your face to stop your tears. And then the anger was back filled with so much pain. You raised your eyes and looked straight into Sam’s with a firm look on your face. Firm and angry. When you saw his face you felt another shot through your heart. His face on the other hand was a mask of pain. All the anger was gone. He realised what he just said and the impact it had on you. But damn!!! If that’s what he believed he should have said it in the first place. You turned around to put the things you got out of your bag back in. Trying to contain the pain and the anger you were feeling right now. Your hands were trembling. You tried to stop them but you couldn’t control it. They were just shaking. They felt weak like you couldn’t hold anything right now. Sam was right behind you and you just wished he was gone! He went way too far this time.

“ (Y/N)...” You heard him talk to you from behind. His voice was back to its warm tone but still gruff. You weren’t in condition to understand if he was going for an apology. All you understood was his hand reaching for you from behind. You closed your eyes as rage and pain filled them with tears.

“ Don’t!...Don’t you dare touch me!” Two teardrops left your eyes as you opened them again. You felt him tense behind you but you didn’t care. As the shock was fading away rage was taking its place. Making a dreadful combination with the pain you were feeling and the anger that was there before. You closed your bag with a sudden and angry move.You got it and turned around to leave. You looked at Sam. He was looking at you like a statue. His face expressionless. The rage inside you and the pain were uncontrolable now. You felt your eye sight shaking as you were letting all those feelings out. With every intention to hurt Sam just like he hurt you. You would leave but you would give him a piece of your mind first! “ Maybe you’re right” You said “ Maybe we are a mistake. Maybe I shouldn’t have kissed you... Hell Maybe I shouldn’t have called you to help me in the first place!!!” You felt your heart aching at the memory. You could see Sam’s pain in his face. And you could feel he was holding back but you were in no condition to understand if it was tears or anger. All you knew was that every word you said was said to hurt him. Because you wanted to hurt him so much now. To show him how much he hurt you. To make him understand the pain he made you feel! And that’s why you got close to him and seeing red you opened your mouth and you didn’t realise the words coming out.

“ And you know what?” You felt your throat closing and you could see the pain in Sam’s face. Your vision trembled for a second as you were going over yourself and your anger to say the worst thing you could have ever said. Your blood was boiling and your heart was beating faster than ever before. And every beat was painful! Your voice sounded gruff ready to crack. Hurt and anger visible in your face. “ If it was Dean I would have been there...!” You didn’t mean it! Of course you didn’t! And you regretted the words the moment they left your mouth. For a moment your own words shocked you. You looked away from him immediately to hide the tears rising. You said the words and pushed his shoulder on your way to the stairs. You run on the stairs without looking back.You were so angry and in so much pain to take them back. It hurt you saying these words probably as much as it hurt him to hear them. You went up the stairs faster than you ever thought you could and every moment passing by made you regret those last words even more. But you were in so much anger you couldn’t apologise to him or take the words back. You walked out and closed the door behind taking your hurt feelings with you. Leaving part of your heart there. Creating another hole!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try my best to post the next chapter next week!


	15. Something happened on the way to Heaven Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter inspired by this song:  
> Phill Collins - Something happened on the way to Heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Other songs that inspired me:  
> Muse - Madness  
> Delta Goodrem - Lost without You  
> Lady Antebellum - Need you now

You were driving for less than half an hour. The plan was to drive as far as possible. To clear your mind. To stop your hands from shaking. But you couldn’t. There was this constant pain in your chest that somehow you had to let it out. Your plan was to get away from this pain driving but now all you wanted to do was letting it out. Letting it all out. You couldn’t focus on driving even if you wanted to. Tears were clouding your vision. Your hands were couldn’t have a firm grip on the steering wheel. If you kept going like that you would get yourself killed. You had to stop and give yourself sometime.Allow yourself to be in pain. And you needed that so desperately that you stopped the car at first chance. You parked the car somewhere out of the road but close. There were trees all around. There was no light. Only the fading light of the moon. Nothing moved. The road was so empty. You felt greatfull for that. You didn’t want anyone to see you or hear you. You just wanted to be alone...

As you were sitting you slowly, almost painfully, brought your knees to your face. You closed your eyes and touched your knees with your forehead hugging your legs. And you allowed yourself to feel it. The pain that brought tears in your eyes. Tears you couldn’t control. But no anger. All the anger was gone. It was gone for some time now. All that was left was the aftermath.The fight started playing in your mind. Every line wether it was yours or Sam’s was a punch in the gut. You were feeling fresh tears in your eyes every second. You burried your nails in your legs in an attempt to control the pain. You were feeling alone. Like the only comfort you had was the car. The seat you were sitting on. And still somehow you wanted to feel Sam’s hand on your back. Holding you in his arms as you cried. Comforting you. But everytime that feeling made your heart beat faster it also made it beat more painfully. You could still hear it.

_“ I DON’T KNOW,(Y/N). MAYBE **WE** ARE A MISTAKE!!!”_

Sam’s voice in your head. Did he mean it? Could he actually mean it? Did he really think you were a mistake? You started sobbing and you were feeling it was harder for you to breathe. You were desperately trying to control those breaths and he wasn’t here to help you. But now you doubted if he even wanted to be. Part of you was screaming that he didn’t mean it. But he said it! Why did he say it? What? He was mad? That doesn’t change the fact that he could actually mean it. He could actually believe that what you have is a mistake. Have? Is this even the right term anymore? Cause with what happened “ had” seems to be the right word. Tears were running down your face. So many tears... And then you remembered him calling your name right after the words came out of his mouth in a voice with a significantly lowered tone. What if he was trying to apologise? Would it even matter if he was trying to apologise if he actually believed what he said? Or did he feel he went way too far this time? At this point nothing mattered more than that. Not even the reasons you faught in the first place. You were still sobbing violently. Your hands were shaking and tears were leaving your eyes all the time. You were feeling your pants wet on your knees were your eyes laid. You wanted so badly to believe he didn’t mean it. That it wasn’t over. That you weren’t done. You wished he’d call. But how could he ever call after what you said to him? Yes, Sam hurt you so much... wether he meant it or not. But so did you. You got so angry and you wanted to hurt him so bad...

“ _If it was Dean...I would have been there...”_

How could you say such a thing? How did these words come out of your mouth? You stepped on his insecurities to hurt him. You felt so damn guilty. You pushed your nails in your legs again. A moan left your lips. Your heart was giving you again those slow and painful beats... You hated yourself for those words. Those insecurities you were supposed to soothe and drive away once and for all. You couldn’t blame you for not having the patience back then to make him understand how stupid he sounded. You were in the midle of a fight after all. But telling him that he was right? Telling him that you cared more for Dean than you did for him? You couldn’t have said a bigger lie and a more hurtful thing. You felt you were losing control of your breaths. Your guilt was consuming you. You felt like you couldn’t live with that. It didn’t matter what Sam said or how mad he made you. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID THAT! You could have left quietly. But no! You had to hurt him too. You were so angry and so hurt that you had to hurt him too. But now you regretted those words more than anything in your life. How could you make things right? Ever?

You stayed in your car and cried your eyes out for at least half an hour. All those thoughts were torturing your mind and your heart. You were feeling so much pain. And so much fear that you and Sam were done for good. But that fear meant that in your mind you weren’t done yet. You started thinking more clearly. You realised you couldn’t know if Sam meant it or not. You could play his words in your mind again and again but you could never be sure. But the truth is that even if he meant it. You couldn’t leave like that. Not for him. For you. Because you knew that if you walked away now you would hate yourself for that. You weren’t feeling good with yourself. You were feeling you were a terrible person. You shouldn’t have said what you said and because of that you couldn’t just go like that. You raised your head. You wiped off the tears.you took a few deep breaths. You started your car. You had to go back. No matter how painfull it was. You had to take back your words. You had to apologise. Cause that was the right thing to do. Because that’s the only way you would feel good with yourself. Because you never wanted to hurt him this way. And for one you loved him so damn much. And you needed to explain that to him before you go or you’d regret it forever. As for him? You knew he loved you. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t think that your relationship is a mistake. He might insist on what he said. No matter how much he cared. Your heart was beating painfully every time you made that thought. There was a huge chance that you were done. For good. Your logic believed that. But something inside you was yelling that you were wrong...

You drove as fast as you could. You were feeling like you gained some of your self control. You weren’t crying anymore but you could feel like you were at the edge of another tear. But you were determined. And that’s what kept you focused. You didn’t know what would happen with Sam. You didn’t give it much thought either. All you cared about now was getting rid of the burden the words you said put on your shoulders. It’s not like you weren’t terrified that you lost him. But you knew that you’d deal with that when you feel good with you. And of course you were scared of what you’d face. An angry Sam? An indiferent Sam? That scared you. A hurt Sam? No matter what he said you were feeling a smidgeon of pain in the thought of finding a hurt Sam. But no matter what it would be you had to face it. And if it really was the end. Well, you needed to know it for sure. Your heart was beating painfully at the thought...

When you arrived you parked the car. You stayed in for a minute. Taking deep breaths to feel certain and calm. When you felt ready you stepped out of the car. You opened the back door and took your bag. There was no need for your bag considering what you wanted to do. You weren’t planning on going back. But somewhere inside you were hoping things would go down this way. But still you made an excuse for you to feel better. You were taking the bag to pick up some more things. Yeah. That sounded good. You walked to the front door. You hesitated. You took a deep breath as you were feeling the tears back again. And as you were ready to open the door, the door opened.

Sam opened the door with his jacket on and his car keys on his hand. You felt your heart beating fast. All you wanted to do was hug him. Butty yourself in his chest and feel him hugging you back. But you weren’t sure he wanted you to. And everything was coming back to you. The fight you had. The things you both said. You felt your throat closing. No. No you couldn’t break down now. Sam hadn’t seen you yet. Once he opened the door he took a brief look behind and then he turned to get out and that’s when he saw you. He froze. His face had something like a terrified expression at first and then you saw him swallowing hard. You couldn’t hold back the tears. His face slowly turned to a hurt look. That look was tearing you apart no matter what he said. That was it. You spoke before you could stop and your voice was broken just like you were feeling right now.

“ I didn’t mean it...”Your voice was intense and trembling. Tears crossed your face. You were still trying to hold back but you couldn’t. You were feeling so much pain ,so much guilt. And so much love. Your vision was so blurry now you couldn’t see Sam in front of you. You couldn’t make out anything at all. Only colours.You saw something moving. You tried to take a deep breath but you were shaking. You tried to speak again but suddenly you felt two arms hugging you. Sam moved almost immediately and wrapped his arms around you. And you heard his voice in your ear.

“ I didn’t mean it either...” His voice soft and low. You could hear the pain and the guilt in it. You felt your hands moving on their own getting wrapped around Sam’s neck. Tears were still running down your eyes but you were feeling so relieved to hear his words. To feel his arms around you. He didn’t mean it! But was he telling the truth? Or he just regretted the fact that he said that thought out loud? That thought terrified you and made you ask.

“ Then why did you say it?” Your voice still trembling.You felt his grip tighten.

“ I was mad at you and... I snapped....” His voice still soft , low and full of guilt. He took a deep breath and spoke again. “ I’m so sorry...”. That’s all you needed to hear. You tightened your grip too. You rested your chin on his shoulder. The tears were falling on Sam’s shirt.

“ I’m sorry too” You said with your voice still trembling. And you meant for everything. Not just what you said to him. Everything. The whole fight. The fight before that. The weight of this day was crushing you now. You rested your forehesd on Sam’s shoulder. He was brushing your hair and you started sobbing. You were letting it all out now holding on to Sam. Everything that happened this day. The fight you had. Your near death experience. The guilt. The pain. Sam was just holding you. Being patient. His arms keeping you safe so you could let your feelings out. You were certain he was feeling pain too. Because he knew that some of those tears were for what he said. Because he hurt you. And he hated that as much as you did hurting him. If not more. You moved your trembling hands on his neck and still crying you brushed his hair. It was your way to show him how much you loved him. And of course show him you were sorry.You started feeling better in a couple of minutes. Your sobbing stopped. And slowly so did your tears. Sam was still holding you as you were gaining your self control. For good this time. You could still feel his hand brushing your hair .Your breathing was returning to its normal rate. Just like your heartbeat. You were feeling Sam breathing under your hands. All you could think about now was how much you loved him.Sam’s grip became softer as you were feeling better. You pulled away a bit to look at him. He still had that hurt look on his face. He took a deep breath looking back at you. He was feeling guilty. And so did you. But you rose on your toes again and closed your eyes to kiss him. You felt his soft lips on yours sooner than you expected. You placed your hands on the back of his neck brushing his hair. He placed his hands on your waist gently bringing you closer. Then he moved his hands to your cheeks to wipe off your tears while moving his lips against yours. You pulled back and burried yourself in his chest. He hugged you and you stayed there for a minute enjoying the comfort you were both feeling. This time Sam pulled back kissing the top of your head briefly.

You saw him move away from you bending and lifting your bag. You dropped that bag when he hugged you but you didn’t realised it until now.You smiled. You opened your mouth to talk but Sam already knew what you’d say.

“ I know...” He said smiling at you. His smile was hesitant but after he said those words he kissed you. It was supposed to be a brief kiss but somehow it lasted more than that. And it resulted in you brushing his cheeks again. He pulled back and this time his smile was more generous. You smiled back and kissed him lightly once more. He went down the stairs with your bag and you followed him. You went to sit on the couch. You bought that couch together after Dean was gone. Something to change the scenery. He left to leave your bag in your room. You were feeling better now. But there were still some things that you needed to talk about. And make things right. Your hands were trembling a bit. Stress and tireness. Sam returned and sat next to you.

“ So...Do you want something to eat?” He asked with his soft voice still cautious... He wasn’t acting like everything was ok. And neither did you.

“ No” You answered. He looked at you confused and scared. Your voice sounded hard. But it was because you were tired not mad. You took a deep breath and spoke again. “ We need to talk first...” This time your voice was softer.You turned to look at him. You felt him tense next to you. He was probably scared that you weren’t ok after all. You turned your face and lowered your stare looking at your hands.

“ I couldn’t be there...” You started explaining. Sam believed that you would be there for Dean even before you said the awful thing you said. And now that this fight was over, you had to make him see how wrong he was. And you’d do it now. You wouldn’t go to sleep tonight until everything between you was resolved. “ I wanted to be. But the other angel had me down. I couldn’t even scream. But I heard you. And I knew that you needed my help. But first that angel had me down and then I hit my head and I was dizzy. I tried to walk but i couldn’t... i felt my heart torn in two when i heard you back then. Ok ! I get it. You couldn’t see me it was so dark... but still how could you think that I didn’t want to be there? That somehow I did that for Dean and I wouldn’t do that for you? After all I told you. After all we’ve been through... not just the last couple of months. Since we met...How could you say this? How could you believe that?” You said and your voice was calm and soft. The question in your eyes was visible when you turned to look at him. He took a deep breath without looking at you.

“ You were always there for Dean. Since you two met. Always by his side. Always running next to him when he called. Always. And I saw that happening so many times. And suddenly when I call... you weren’t there... And honestly I don’t know why. You walked away before that angel attacked... I turned around and you weren’t there... but for Dean you always were... and then? When I called... What? You thought I wasn’t in so much danger...? But when Dean called....You were just there. And I know that you couldn’t be there. You were in danger too. But somehow I...” He couldn’t find the right word. He was calm though. And his voice soft like before. You understood what he meant. Somehow although he knew that you couldn’t be there when he called and you didn’t come you made him feel less important. But he couldn’t be more wrong. You finally understood what made him feel this way. You gave him a small smile and spoke again.

“I was always there for Dean because I trusted you more... I was running next to him always in time because I was never leaving his side. Even when we had to split up during a hunt I was always going with him. And it wasn’t beacuse we were together or because I loved him more... It was because I knew that he had this tendency of making stupid decisions. I was feeling that I had to be there all the time because I could never know when he’d make a stupid call...And you know that...He was always so eager to give his life... And since I could never leave his side somehow I was always there when he called. And that’s also because he was never so open to the idea of me hunting... You know how overprotective he was... One of the reasons I was always next to him was because I knew that was the only way he could feel short of safe with me being on the hunt... With you it never was that way... I knew you’d defend yourself without making a stupid decision that would get you killed or worse... I was feeling that you would be safe... And I continued feeling that after Dean died... And I was also greatful for the fact that we didn’t have to fight for me to come on a hunt. I thought you trusted me to have your back. And I understand how you felt when I wasn’t there and I also understand whyyou got so angry that I walked away from you... But first I really really wanted to be there. And I really really tried to run. And I got so scared for you... I thought I was losing you...” You said and you saw relief in his eyes and his vision became blurry. But he said no tears. You made a small to look at him. He nodded without looking at you and you knew he understood what you were talking about. Which made you continue... “But this brings me to another matter too...” You took a deep breath. “ You wanted me to stay behind you before any of that happened... Why? You don’t think I’m a good enough hunter? You dodn’t think I can make it on my own?” You weren’t attacking him. They were all genuine questions. You were looking at him waiting for the answer.

“ It was easier before... When we were friends... I was feeling good with you fighting your own fights... But now... I feel like by letting you hunt I’m putting you in danger... And though I know you’re a good hunter... It’s just not that easy to watch you do your thing... Cause if something happens to you... I don’t know what I’d do...” He concluded with his soft and warm voice. You felt relieved again. Sam didn’t actually think you weren’t a good hunter. He was just scared... Scared he’d lose you...Just like you were...

“ That’s how I feel about you too... But I try to control it... “ You smiled and you felt your eyes getting wet again. “ Because I know you are a good hunter and though I am scared as hell everytime we hunt I try not to make you feel weak...” You said and he smiled at you. “ And I don’t want us to fight about this like I used to fight with Dean... Can you promise me that?” You asked. He looked at you and he answered with his soft voice and warm voice.

“ Yeah...Yeah, I can...” You smiled at him when you heard those words. And then the memories of the fight flooded your mind and drowned your smile. You looked down.You felt tears in your eyes again. You lifted your head again and when you spoke your voice was trembling a bit.

“ And when we fight for whatever reason... you don’t say anything about our relationship unless you really mean it...” You took a deep and shaking breath. Sam was looking at you and you could see the pain in his eyes. “You shouldn’t have said that... And I shouldn’t have said what I said either...” You covered your face with your hands at the flash of guilt that was hitting you. “ God... I’m a terrible terrible person” Before you could finish your sentence you heard Sam talking and his voice sounded gruff after a long time...

“ No...” You removed your hands and saw him shaking his head... “ No... I pushed you there... I pushed you to say that...” He said looking at you and you could read the guilt and hurt in his eyes.

“ I shouldn’t have said that no matter what you said... No matter how much you hurt me...” You answered. He took his eyes from you and lowered his head. You could see he was in pain because he caused **you** so much pain...

“ Neither should I... No matter how angry I was...” He said and his voice sounded gruff again. For a moment you were just looking at him.Your heart was beating faster just because he was around. You loved him so much and you hated to see him in pain. You slowly moved closer to him. As he had his hands bend with his elbows on his knees you moved your hand under his arm and reached for his fingers. Your hands were palm to palm. You brushed his fingers for a second and then you softly lifted his hand over you and placed his fingers on your shoulder in the form of a hug. Then you let them go and you twisted to rest your head and your other hand on his chest pushing him softly so that he could lie on the couch and you could lie on him. Once he got comfortable he tightened his grip. You sighed. For a moment you were both quiet and then you heard him speak again.

“ Do you forgive me?” He asked and his voice was soft again. You raised your head to look at him. You moved a bit so that you could be face to face. You brushed his cheek with your hand and answered.

“Yes...” You said and your voice sounded soft and steady. But truth was you forgave him the moment he said he was sorry. But he wasn’t the only one who was sorry. You swallowed hard and spoke again. “ Do you forgive **me**?”

“ Yeah...” He nodded. And you could see in his face that you didn’t even have to ask. “ Yeah, I do” He said and you kissed his lips softly. You pulled back and you rested your head on his chest again. You stayed there for a while enjoying his arms on your back and his breath on your hair. You closed your eyes as you were getting comfortable but then it hit you. There was one thing you haven’t talked about. The reason you had a fight in the first place. You raised your head surprised by the thought. You looked at Sam. He was looking at you confused now.

“ What happened with Cas?” You asked and your voice was kind of louder. You raised your voice because you were surprised you forgot about that completely.Sam probably thought you were still mad about that and you felt him tense and make a small move to get more comfortable. You understood that and to reassure him that you weren’t getting into a new fight about that matter you placed your head on his chest again. You felt him relax a bit and he answered.

“ Turns out... He already knew.” He said and his voice was soft and calm.

“ How?” You answered a bit confused.

“Fast heartbeats and dialated pupils...” He answered and he moved the hand he wasn’t holding you with in a way that meant “ He is Cas, what did you expect”. You didn’t answer you waited for him to continue and so he did. “ And there was the thing with that cupid that clued him in...” He took a deep breath. And you closed your eyes feeling his chest moving. “ He asked me if I am in love with you...and I told him evrything...”

“ Did he understand?” You asked Sam looking at him briefly. You expected the answer to be yes. But...

“ Not exactly... He doesn’t really understand how you feel or even how I feel. But what he was more interested in was if together we are happy... It seems to be enough for him...” He answered you. You took a deep breath because even that much was a relief. “(Y/N)” He started again. “ I didn’t mean to tell him behind your back... I..” He said but you interrupted him.

“ I know...” You said and you lifted your body turning to look at him. “ He already knew... There was no point in hiding it. I don’t like that I didn’t know about it. But... I would do the same thing...” You took a deep breath and continued. “ You were right about Cas. We should have told him from the beggining. He is one of our best friends and I was shutting him out... because I was scared. I still am... Somewhere in my mind I’m still scared about what our friends will think or if they’ll understand or not... but shutting them out is not a solution... and Cas proved that I should have more faith in him...” You chuckled. You took another deep breath and looked at Sam again. He was so focused on you. His eyes fixed on yours. He raised his head slightly to find your lips. He pressed his lips on yours in a soft and confident kiss. His hand cupping your cheek. You put your hand on his neck brushing his hair again and he moved his hand to brush your back in a light way. You could barely feel him touching you. And once again you remembered something else. You pulled back and looked at him.

“ Where were you going when I got here?” You asked and your voice was soft and low. Almost a wisper. Your eyes wide waiting for his answer. You knew what you wanted to hear. He looked confused for a second and then he answered.

“ I was going to find you...” He said it like that was something you should already know. He looked genuienly confused why you were asking. You just kissed his lips and he kissed you back firmly. You pulled back again and rested your head on his chest again. This time he wrapped both arms around you. He kissed the top of your head as you started falling asleep. Drifted away by the sound of his heartbeat.

**Sam’s point of view**

I started falling asleep as I could feel her body moving under my hands with every breath. So beautiful and so vulnerable... I kissed her head once more. If she only knew how happy I was when I opened that door...

**Your point of view**

When you opened your eyes again you were still in Sam’s arms. He was already awake. You could tell from his breathing. And of course the hand that was brushing your back softly. You took a deep breath as you were still sleepy. You streched your hands and then relaxed in his arms again.

“ What time is it?” You asked closing your eyes again. You felt like you’ve been sleeping for hours but you were still feeling tired.

“ It’s two...” Sam said checking his watch.

“ P.M.?” You asked surprised.

“ Yes...” Sam said and kissed your forehead. You sighed. You were lying there for a couple of minutes and then you felt Sam moving to get up.

“ Come on...” You whined. “ Just five more minutes” You said without moving to let him get up.

“ Allright” He said kissing the top of your head. “ I’ll get up and I’ll let you sleep...” He said still trying to get up. You opened your eyes and you pushed him softly to lie back again. You closed your eyes once more and spoke.

“ I meant five more minutes with you...” You said and you heard him chuckle wrapping his arms around you once more and holding you tight.

You stayed there for half an hour. You only agreed to getting up because you were starving. Sam brought pizza and you both sat on that same couch and ate. You spend the afternoon watching a movie and TV. You didn’t get out of Sam’s arms unless it was to eat or drink some water. And you had to admit that this was one of the best afternoons you ever had. And you were feeling so close to him now. The whole fight was in the past. He was just holding you like you were the most important thing in the world for him. And you were holding him as close as possible because there was nothing that could make you happier now. When he was smiling you were feeling like your whole world was a bit lighter and your heart was beating like a drum again. Every now and then he was kissing the top of your head which made you close your eyes every single time. But what you loved the most was when he was kissing your lips. Somehow those kisses were so sweet that you didn’t want to stop. But you had to stop. Because you were exhausted and you needed to go to sleep. He was exhausted too. When you were watching a movie he was trying to keep his eyes open. He didn’t want to go to his room and leave you alone. At some point he was asleep for about five minutes. When he woke up he hadn’t realised he was asleep for that long and you didn’t tell him. You just placed your hand on his cheek and kissed him. So when you decided that it was time for you to go to bed so did Sam.

You lied on your bed and it was so soft. Softer than usual. You were so tired that anything would seem soft to you now. Even the floor. You closed your eyes and you expected to fall asleep immediately. But you didn’t. You were so sleepy. But all you could do was toss and turn for half an hour. You were feeling comfortable in your bed but somehow something was missing. And you knew what was that. Finally you gave up. You stopped fighting it.

You threw the covers off and walked to the door. You opened it slowly and when you got out you closed it slowly too and as quietly as possible cause you figured Sam was sleeping and you didn’ t want to wake him up. You walked to his room. You looked at the door. You haven’t been in that room since that night you two shared. You were feeling a bit nervous. You took a deep breath and opened the door trying to make no noise at all. You got in and you closed the door behind you the same way. You turned to look at Sam. He was sleeping on his side. You couldn’t see his face it was too dark. Only his back. You looked around. Memories flooded your mind. Memories of the night you had in that room and the morning. The morning that you felt so terrified. A couple of months ago those memories were so painful. Now they gave you only a taste of that fear. You smiled to yourself. You realised that what you were about to do, sleeping in Sam’s room , was a big step but you felt you wanted it so much. You took another deep breath quietly and you moved on your toes to get to the bed. You slowly and softly removed the covers from the side of the bed you were about to sleep on. You sat on the bed with carefull movements trying not to wake Sam up. You covered yourself and turned around to face him. You were actually facing his back. You moved a little closer and you stretched your hand to brush his arm softly. But when you touched him he turned around and before you knew it he had you at gun point.

You raised your hands in surrender surprised.

“ It’s just me...” You said smiling as he was pointing the gun elsewhere as fast as he could.

“ You scared me...” His voice slightly raised and gruff. He put the gun on his nightstand as you were lowering your hands still smiling. He seemed pretty shaken. And you knew this wasn’t because you scared him. It was because he almost shot you. But before he could say another word you rested your head on his chest pushing him to lie down again.

“ Relax...” You told him still smiling. “ It could have been worse...”

“ How?” He asked sarcastically wrapping his arms around you. He was expecting you to say something like it could have been a demon hiding in his bed. Or a vamp. Or something of that short. Instead you gigled and turned this on you.

“ You could have actually shot me...” You said chuckling.

“ Very funny” He said sarcastically again. But you just wrapped your arms around him holding him tight. He kissed the top of your head once more and asked. “ So...You’re staying here tonight?” He said already knowing the answer but he asked anyway.

“ If you don’t mind...” You said.

“ No, I don’t...” He answered. You raised your head to give him a quick kiss and rested your head on his chest again. You closed your eyes. You felt him resting his chin on your head. You could hear his heartbeat which made you feel so relaxed. You had one hand on his chest. He brushed that hand with his free hand and then just rested his hand on yours. He kissed your head again and you both started drifting away in the comfort of each other...

You woke up in the morning still in Sam’s arms. He was still asleep. His breathing was slow just like his heartbeat. His head was on yours. You didn’t want to move. You didn’t want to wake him up. So you closed your eyes again and hugged him a little tighter. It didn’t take him long to wake up. Once he did he gave you a light kiss on the mouth that got your breath away. When he pulled back you had blushed and the smile on your face was huge. He kissed your forehead once again and you both got up. You went straight to the kitchen for breakfast. You started complaining about his hair again. How did it manage to be so perfect every time he was getting out of bed. You had breakfast and you spend the rest of the day searching for a case. Cas also called to tell you that everything was fine and heaven was back to normal. You were relieved to hear that because even with all that happened you were worried about Cas. You and Sam went for a walk in the afternoon and then dinner. You could call it a date but there were no fancy clothes or anything like that. You just had fun. When you returned you were feeling tired and decided to go to sleep. Sam wanted to watch TV for a while so you kissed him goodnight and left. You were passing in front of his room to go to yours. But you stopped and looked at the door. You oppened it and looked at the bed. You smiled to yourself and wispered “ Why not?”. You went back to your room and changed your clothes and then you returned to Sam’s room and lied on his bed. You started falling asleep almost immediately. At some point you heard the door opening. You were half asleep. You didn’t open your eyes or turned to face the door. About a couple of minutes after that you felt two arms around you and someone’s chest against your back. You recognised Sam’s scent. You smiled to yourself and you fell into a deep sleep again...

You woke up before Sam again but this time you didn’t wait for him to wake up. You got up and went straight to your room. You changed your clothes. You were about to leave your pijamas or rather the shirt and pants you were using as pijamas in your room but then you changed your mind. You returned to Sam’s room and left them on the bed in your side of the bed. Then you walked to the kitchen to make breakfast. When Sam was up and entered the kitchen you were sure there was no way he didn’t see your pjs in his bed. But he didn’t comment. He just kissed you and then smiled at you. You smiled back. You spend the day like you did the previous one. This time you actually caught a case but someone else was already on it. So you took that day off too. After you had dinner Sam wanted to watch TV again and you decided you were tired again. You began to suspect he was watching TV before bed to give you time to decided where you wanted to sleep. This time you went straight to his room and changed into your pijamas. You left your clothes in a chair nearby. You had just sat on the bed when Sam opened the door. When he saw you he chuckled.

“ Is this going to be a regular thing?” He asked you smiling. You smiled back and answered.

“ That’s the plan...”

He moved close to you and kissed your lips. Then he took his clothes and went to change in the bathroom. He lied on the bed next to you this time facing you. You put your hand on his cheek and watched him as he was falling asleep. He was asleep in less than two minutes. You were still brushing his cheek and his hair. You couldn’t help but notice how calm and beatiful he was. How happy you were feeling with him. You smiled to yourself. As you were lying on the bed still brushing Sam’s hair you thought it was time. You were feeling ready for it now. You wanted it very much. You wanted to get closer to Sam in this way too.You were feeling your heart beating faster at the thought. You were feeling that burning inside urging you to kiss him till you can’t kiss him anymore. To feel him closer to you. To explore all of him. To feel all of him. To know all of him... Without being drunk. You travelled back to those memories. You had to admit you had a really good time with him that night. You wanted to live it again. You were feeling ready to live it again... You were feeling like every cell on your body wanted it. You were feeling your heart wanted it. You kissed his lips lightly and smiled once more. You knew he wanted it too. You were feeling he wanted you as much as you did him everytime he kissed you. You closed your eyes to sleep too. With that thought still in your mind.You felt that it was about time to take that step too. It was about time for you and Sam to have sex...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm reaaaally sorry for the delay. I've been trying to post this chapter since Friday. I couldn't because of technical issues...  
> I'll try my best to post again next week!!!


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter inspired by this song :  
> Twoface - You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Other songs that inspired me :  
> Maxi Priest - Close to you

You opened your eyes in the morning with that thought still in your mind. It was about time to take the next step.You looked at Sam. He was still sleeping next to you with his hand on your waist. You smiled and decided to go for it when you get the chance...

You let him sleep and you walked to the kitchen to make breakfast. Sam walked in about an hour later. You smiled at him and kissed his lips. You both had breakfast and then you both focused on different chores. Sam searched for a case on the internet and you cleaned up a bit. Sam wanted it to be the other way around but you were in no mood to sit in front of a screen searching for a possible case. When you were done with the dishes and the clothes you decided to take a break and see how Sam was doing...

You walked in the library to find him on his computer. He seemed kind of bored. You knew from the way he was looking at the screen that he found nothing. Yet you walked close to him and asked.

“ So...Did you find anything?” You smiled at him. He lifted his head to look at you.

“ No... Nothing at all...” He said as he was getting up. You moved close to him as he was getting up. You felt your heart beating really fast and the familiar burning inside. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pressed your lips on his softly. He kissed you back placing his hands on your back and gently pulling you closer. You responded instantly pressing your body on his. You broke the kiss briefly and then you kissed him again moving your lips on his softly. He kissed you a little rougher and you deepened the kiss. You pulled back once more taking a brief look to the couch nearby. You felt your heart beating harder and faster. This was your chance. Sam kissed your lips once again. He deepened the kiss and you placed your hands on his cheeks pulling him closer. You moved your hands from his cheeks through his chest and finally grabbing his shirt with both hands at his waist. You started taking steps back towards the couch pulling him closer while still kissing him. He followed your lead. When you felt the couch on the back of your legs you moved your hands to the collar of his shirt and you grabbed it gently. You started sitting on the couch pulling Sam with you. You felt him being kind of confused and he tried to break the kiss. But you didn’t let him and once you sat you quickly lied down on the couch still pulling him with you until he was comfortable on top of you. You broke the kiss and looked in his eyes. He seemed nervous. You smiled at him and kissed his lips briefly. He closed your eyes and he kept them close for a second after you pulled back. When he opened them again you gently pulled him in for another kiss. You felt his hands on your waist rubbing hesitant circles. He wasn’t moving his hands to your hips. He was still hesitating. You pulled him as close as possible to reassure him. He moved form your lips to your neck still hesitantly and you heard your heart going wild and your breaths becoming irregular...

What you also heard was Sam’s phone ringing in his pocket. He pulled back immediately and reached for his phone as he was getting up leaving you still lying on the couch. You were cursing inside you as he was answering his phone and you were getting up too.

“ Yeah...” He said on the phone and he turned to look at you briefly. “ Yeah...We’ll be there...” He concluded and he hung up.

“ Who was it?” You asked. You were hoping you could continue where you left off but...

“ Eric...He needs help with a case...” You made an angry grimace that didn’t go unnoticed. Sam came close to you and kissed your cheek.

“ He is kind of the reason we are together so...” He said smiling at you. It was true. If Eric hadn’t said the things he said you would have never gotten drunk and you wouldn’t have had that night together which triggered the rest. You left an angry sound. You were really tempted to reply that he was also the reason you wouldn’t have sex with Sam today but you decided not to.

“ He is still an asshole!!!” You replied crossing your hands on your chest. Sam chuckled as he was taking his laptop on his hands. You let your hands fall on your side and took a deep breath. “When do we leave?” You asked Sam turning to face him.

“ As soon as you’re ready...” He said and kissed the top of your head before heading back to his room to get ready himself.

You drove for hours to find Eric. But he never showed up. Turns out Eric found the case but he was feeling too bored to take it. But his conscience couldn’t let him ignore it so he called you and Sam to do the work. “ Told you he’s an asshole!!!” You said yelling when you found out. The case was a rather simple one. It took you less than a day to solve it. Sam seemed pretty calm with you working the case too. You weren’t sure if that was because of the talk you had or because it was a very simple case but you were happy. You returned home the next day at midnight. You were both exhausted so you just changed your clothes and fell on bed to sleep.

You woke up in the morning on Sam’s chest. You didn’t remember sleeping on him. In fact you didn’t remember sleeping with him at all. You lied on the bed and you fell asleep instantly. He must have moved you while you were sleeping so that he could hold you. You raised your head and smiled to the sleeping Sam in front of you. You rested your head on his chest again and closed your eyes to sleep when you felt him move hugging you tighter. You raised your head again and this time you saw a sleepy Sam looking at you.

“ Goodmorning...” You said and kissed his lips briefly. He streched his hands and then wrapped them around you once more.

“ Goodmorning...” He answered pressing his lips on yours in a soft and light kiss. You moved your hand to his cheek and pulled him closer. His kiss lasted longer than he planned. He pulled back and you moved your hand to brush his hair. He closed your eyes at your touch and you couldn’t help but kiss him once more. You moved your lips against his slowly at first. You felt him pulling you closer as you were deepening the kiss. You ran your hands through his chest feeling every inch of it with just the tip of your fingers. You felt your blood boiling as you were kissing him full on the mouth. His hands on your waist pulled you closer with a firm move. Your breaths got faster and you moved your hands on his neck. Then to his shoulders pushing him down and climbing on top of him with a sudden move. You were feeling your heart about to burst and your whole body felt like you were burning. You moved your hair on one side with a fast move and leaned on Sam to kiss him firmly on the mouth. You could feel his neck and lips being warmer than usual. His breaths were irregular. You were feeling his hands on your waist holding you tight. You wanted him to move his hands to your hips but he was hesitating. Maybe your intentions weren’t clear enough. You kissed him full on the mouth and he moved his hands from your waist to your back as you were still leaning on him to kiss him. You felt your heart jumping in your chest and you sighed on his lips. But still he didn’t move his hands under your shirt. You broke the kiss and looked at him still leaning on him. He seemed nervous. A lot more than you. You decided to make your intentions clearer. He kissed your lips in a kiss softer than what you expected.You broke the kiss and straightened your body still on top of him. You reached with both your hands to your back grabbing your shirt and pulling it off. You threw it on the floor and you were left with your bra cause last night you were so tired you actually slept with your bra on. You didn’t remember that but you didn’t mind. You leaned on him again and you moved your lips firmly on his. You felt his hands moving hesitantly on your bear back and the burning inside you became more and more intense...

And your phone started ringing on your nightstand... You broke the kiss and got up still on Sam startled by the sound. You were feeling every cell on your body burning. Sam was running his hands through his hair as you were getting off of him. You lied next to him for a second. Your phone still ringing.You took a few deep breaths to calm down and moved to your nightstand to grab your phone. You saw the name on the screen and it was really hard for you not to yell when you answered the phone.

“ I thought you wouldn’t pick it up, little (Y/N)!!!” Danny said chuckling pretending to be relieved.

“ Well ,apparently, I did...” You answered and to anyone who knew you you sounded a little pissed. Truth was you prefered you hadn’t picked it up.

“ (Y/N)?... Are you talking? I can’t hear you...” Danny said and you understood it wasn’t a joke or something. You got up from the bed with angry moves and turned to look at Sam...

“ Bad reception...” You told him. He nodded and you walked out of the room closing the door behind. You wanted to finish this call quickly so you could go back and finish what you started. You couldn’t believe you were interrupted twice.

“ What’s up, Danny?” You said in the same pissed tone.

“ What’s wrong! You sound a little angry...” He said and you could tell from his voice that he was smiling.

“ Well, I was in the middle of something...” You replied and you sounded even more pissed. This conversation was taking way too long.

“ You were having sex, right?” He asked you chuckling. How the hell was he doing that? How the hell was he able to tell you were having sex? You were surprised but his laughing tone made you even angrier.

“ Maybe I was washing the dishes...” You replied firmly.

“ Were you washing the dishes?” Danny asked you still laughing. You took a deep breath. You wanted this conversation to end quickly so you went straight to the point telling Danny what he wanted to hear.

“ No I wasn’t!!! Now could you please tell me why you called?” You said hoping Danny would hung up soon but instead he started blabbering...

“ Is that any way to treat your friend?...” He said and he continued mumbling fake offended. You were about to cut him but the door opened behind you and you turned your head to look at Sam. He moved close to you and kissed your cheek. Danny was still talking but you were focused on Sam. He kissed your neck with one hand on your waist. You wanted to throw the phone away and kiss him and you would have done it but...

“ I’m gonna make breakfast...” He said in your ear with a soft and low voice. You closed your eyes disappointed. The moment was gone. He got up to make breakfast. You felt him putting a shoft fabric in your free hand. You held it and looked at it briefly. It was your top. Yeap!!!! Moment was most certainly gone!!! You took a deep breath diasappointed as he was kissing your cheek once more before leaving. You were cursing inside your mind once again.

“ ... and since you’re acting like that, I shouldn’t tell you that I caught you guys a case!!!” Danny concluded and he got your attention again. You took another deep breath to calm down and then you spoke to him again.

“ Danny... Thanks for telling me about the case but next time I see you I owe you a punch...” You said and you weren’t sure if you were kidding or not. You heard him laughing in a guilty way. “Now...Give me details...” You said walking towards the kitchen feeling totaly defeated.

By the time you got in the kitchen you were wearing your top again and Danny had already explained everything about the case. It was a simple case really so it didn’t take him long. You hung up when you walked in the kitchen to find Sam eating.

“ How’s Danny?” He asked you smiling.

“ How did you know it was him?” You asked smiling back.

“ He is the only one that can get you that pissed...” He chuckled. You thought about it for a second.

“ Don’t play it smart... You probably heard me calling his name...” You chuckled too grabbing a sandwich and sitting opposite from Sam.

“ So what did he want?” He asked you.

“ Apparently, he found a case...” You said to him.

“ Ok! I’ll be ready in about ten minutes” He said finishing his sandwich and got up to get to his room. But as he was walking away you had another idea...

“ Actually...” You said and he turned to look at you. “ Why don’t you go alone in this one. From what Danny said it’s a simple salt and burn thing...” He looked at you confused.

“ Are you sure?” He asked.

“ Absolutely...” You smiled at him. And you really were sure. You had other plans for the day. Well... You already tried twice to have sex with Sam and it didn’t go as planned... It didn’t go at all. It looks like a little actual planning wouldn’t hurt. So you decided to let Sam go on the hunt alone. The case was in a town really close. And since it was a simple case Sam would be done with it within a few hours. If your calculations were right he should be back by nightfall. Perfect time for you two to go for it. And to help things a bit you would go shopping.

So you said goodbye to Sam with a small kiss and once he was gone you went straight to your room you got dressed and well...You went shopping... for underware... Sexy underware... It’s not like you didn’t have any. You had about three pairs. Two black and a red one. You never really wore the red one. It was beautiful but it wasn’t your thing so much. It was a bright red that made you feel like Santa Clause. As for the black pairs. You loved them... but so did Dean. You wouldn’t wear these to your first night with Sam. Those underwear belonged to the past and to your nights with Dean. You wanted to wear something original tonight. Something that would make this night special for both you and Sam. Something you bought only for him and he would be the first to see. Something to symbolise the new beggining he was for you...

It was a tough choise. The usual colours were black and red and the others well...they weren’t you at all. Finally you spotted something in a dark red colour which you loved the moment you saw it. It wasn’t as dark as black and it wasn’t as bright as red. It was just perfect. And it wasn’t too slutty either. It’s not like you didn’t plan to wear something a little more extreme in the future but for the first time you preffered something less provocative. You wanted to focus on the feelings you and Sam would share tonight. And this was just what you were looking for. It had just a little bit of lace but it made your breasts look amazing.

Totally satisfied with your choice you went back and made lunch. You barely touched your food. You were so nervous and excited about tonight you weren’t really hungry. So you left your food on the table and went to take a shower. Then you went straight to Sam’s room. You had to prepare the place a bit but not something much. You didn’t want him to understand what you were planning. You wanted it to be a surprise. You changed the sheets and placed your favorite ones on the bed. You lit up a few aromatic candles just for the smell and you blew them out minutes before you heard the door open. You hid them quickly and you run to hide the bag with your new underware somewhere in the bathroom.

Once you were done you went in the library to find Sam leaving his bag on the table.

“ Back so soon?” You asked moving closer to kiss his lips.

“ Yeah... Turns out you were right. It really was a simple salt and burn. I booked a room for no reason... I had a shower though before driving back so it wasn’t a total waste...” He said and leaned to kiss you once more wrapping his arms around your waist.

You pulled back wrapping your arms around his neck.

“ Are you hungry?” You asked him.

“ No not really...” He said and he was about to continue but you interrupted him.

“ In that case let’s go back to your room so you can change your clothes and feel a little more comfortable...” You said and kissed his lips once more.

“ Right...” He said smiling at you and he moved past you to take his bag and then he followed you to his room. You got in first and sat on the bed. Sam put his bag on the floor and looked at you with a smile full of surprise.

“ You changed the sheets?... And the smell...” He said moving to his nightstand to take a candle in his hands that you forgot to hide. You bit your lip briefly and answered.

“ I cleaned up a bit...” You smiled looking away from him hoping the candle didn’t ruin the surprise.

“ Thanks” He said leaving the candle on his nightstand and leaning on the bed a bit to kiss you. You smiled once he pulled back and you got up heading to the bathroom.

“ I think I’m gonna change too...” You said as you were closing the door behind you. You changed into your new underware as fast as you could. You made your hair a bit and looked at yourself in the mirror to make sure you looked amazing. You smiled at your reflection and turned to the door. You grabbed the handle. Your hand was trembling. You hesitated. You could feel your heart beating like a drum. You took a few deep breaths to calm down a bit and you turned the handle to open the door. You didn’t give yourself any more time because the more time the more nervous you felt.

You opened the door silently. So silently Sam didn’t even notice you were out. He was just folding the shirt he was wearing. He was already wearing the pair of pants he wears to sleep. But he was wearing no shirt yet. You could see his muscles moving as he was folding his shirt and you felt that burning inside accompanying your fast heartbeat. You closed the door behind you and you rested your back on it with your hands behind your back allowing your breasts to be completely visible. You were feeling a little bit exposed since it was the first time Sam would see you like this. Sober that is. Sam heard the sound this time and turned instictively to look at you. But when he realised what he was looking at he stopped what he was doing allowing the shirt to fall from his hands to the floor. His eyes wide open and his jaw a little bit dropped. You saw his eyes checking out your whole body making you shiver. But still the way he was looking at you was so discreet. Like he wasn’t supposed to look at you in your underware. After a while he managed to move his hands a bit and speak.

“ Wow...” That’s all he said and his voice was low and gruff. And right after his words he swallowed hard trying to hide how nervous he was. You smiled at him nervously biting your lower lip briefly and then started moving towards him. You moved slowly and when you got close to him you run your hands from his chest to his neck which made you hear your heart in your ears beating faster. You slowly wrapped your arms around his neck and you heard him swallowing hard once more before you pressed your lips on his. You felt his arms caressing your back pulling you closer. You kissed him a little longer and then you pulled back with your arms still wrapped around his neck.

“ Are we gonna do this or not?” You asked with a low voice. A trembling wisper that allowed Sam to see how nervous you were too. Yet determined and sure you wanted him more than anything right now. He pressed his lips to yours again. You deepened the kiss and you felt him wrapping his arms around your back firmly and lifting you up slowly. With carefull moves you wrapped your legs around his waist while in the air. He held you there for a second still sharing that passionate kiss. And then you felt him moving slowly toward the bed. Without breaking the kiss he started lowering you to the bed leaning on top of you. Once you were lying safely on the bed he removed his hands from your back and placed them to your waist. You kept kissing him pulling him closer and your breaths began to be irregular. He suddenly pulled back breaking the kiss. You were surprised. You looked at him confused. He had the same nervous look on his face but he wasn’t looking at you. He was lost in his thoughts. He was like a statue. He wasn’t moving at all. You moved your hands from his neck to his chest making small circles with your thumbs.

“ Is everything all right?” You asked him confused. He shook his head and looked at you startled by your voice. He swallowed hard once again this time focused on your eyes. You began to worry. But he smiled at you. “ Yeah...Yeah everything’s fine...” He said still smiling. But that smile seemed hesitant to you. You were still looking at him confused but he leaned on you once again this time kissing your neck. When you felt his lips on your pulse all your worry was gone. You just closed your eyes and let your head fall back. You sighed. He kissed your neck a little longer and then he returned to your lips. He was kissing your lips but he wasn’t moving his hands at all. He was just holding your waist. He kissed your lips firmly. He pulled back once again. You lifted your head immediately to get to his face and you kissed his lips. But it was like kissing a statue. This time he wasn’t moving his lips. He wasn’t moving at all. You lied back immediately to look at him. He had the same look on his face. The same nervous look. Something was wrong. You were about to ask what when the look on his face changed and turned to the firm and pained expression you knew all too well. This time he was looking at you straight in the eyes. You were looking at him confused. He took a deep breath and with that firm look still in his face he lied next to you.

For a moment you didn’t understand what just happened. What? Did he just stop? Why did he stop? You turned to look at him still confused but what you saw confused you and made you worry even more. Sam was lying next to you staring at the emptiness taking deep slow breaths. His eyes moving faster than usual. His expression a mixture of pain and terror? He wasn’t looking at you at all.

For a moment you were still confused and then you started putting the pieces together. You slowly got up into a sitting position. You took a deep breath too and ran your hands through your face. Suddenly you were feeling rejected and unwated. You didn’t want Sam to see that. Not that he was paying any attention to you. You got up with slow moves and moved to the bathroom without looking at him. You opened the door and then you closed it behind you ,seperating you from him. You started changing with fast moves. You wanted these underwear as far away from you as possible. You wore your top and your pants and immediately you felt more comfortable. You were about to go out again but when you put your hand on the handle you felt like chocking. You turned around and you slowly sat on the floor with your back on the door.

How could you be so stupid? You wanted to have sex with Sam so much you didn’t even consider the possibility he wasn’t ready. Just because you were feeling ok with this didn’t mean he was feeling ok too. And you were feeling so damn guilty because you should have seen the signs earlier. He was hesitating. Every time he was hesitating. And he was more than nervous. He wasn’t ready for that step. He clearly wasn’t ready. You felt tears running down your eyes. You just let them fall. You wrapped your arms around your knees. Now you were feeling like you couldn’t step outside. Because you were feeling so guilty. What just happened was your fault. You pressured him. You didn’t want to. But you pressured him. He could see how much you wanted it and he didn’t want to say no. But you didn’t even give him the chance to say no. You were just going for it. And how could he say no when he thought that it would break your heart. And you couldn’t say it wouldn’t. Though you could understand that he wasn’t ready and in your mind you were accepting it somewhere inside you were feeling rejected. You were feeling he didn’t want you. You knew you were wrong but right now you were feeling like crap. And you also knew you weren’t the only one feeling like this. You didn’t say a single word to him. You just locked yourself in the bathroom. Tears left your eyes again. You were in there for about half an hour now. But no matter how bad you were feeling you were thinking of Sam’s feelings too. You knew he was feeling awful too. He was blaming himself for this, though it is totaly normal. It was more than ok not to be ready. You’ve been through so much. But the worse part was that he thought you were blaming him. You knew he thought you were blaming him for not being ready. And you weren’t. You were feeling awful but you weren’t mad at him. And he needed to know that. And you also needed to apologise for presssuring him that much.You stayed there for about ten more minutes to gain your self control. Whe you felt good you got up. You wiped off your tears. Your hands were still trembling a little. You grabbed the handle once more. You weren’t feeling ready to step outside but you knew you had to do it.You took a deep breath and opened the door slowly.

You saw Sam sitting on the bed now. His elbows on his knees and his hands on his forehead. This was a lot worse than you thought. You moved close to him and sat gently on the bed next to him. You took a deep breath and spoke.

“ Are you all right?” Your voice low and soft. You turned to look at him.

“ Yeah... I’m fine...” He said in a low and gruff voice. You saw his eyes getting wet. No. What just happened wasn’t enough to make Sam cry. Something else was bothering him too. This couldn’t be just because he wasn’t ready. But you knew that some of the pain was because of that. Seeing him like that wa breaking your heart. You turned in front of you. Tears started running down your cheeks.

“ I’m sorry” You said and your voice trembled a bit. “ I thought you wanted it too...”

He turned to look at you immediately and you turned to face him. You expected him to be hurt but when you looked at him he was confused. Just confused. His eyes weren’t wet anymore unlike yours.

“ You think I didn’t want this?” He asked you surprised.

“Well...” You started explaining but he interrupted you.

“ (Y/N), there is nothing that I want more in the entire world right now... I wanted it...” He said to you still surprised. You were looking at him as he was trying to make you understand how wrong your thoughts were. And as he was talking now he looked like the Sam you knew. Calm and sure of himself getting stupid ideas out of your head. And his words really did relief you. You din’t pressure him. He wanted it. He was ready for this just like you were. But still something else was going on here... You would deal with that. But right now you were feeling a huge weight lifting off your shoulders. He wanted you as much as you did. You had no reason to feel guilty. Only worried. You nodded slightly with tears still in your eyes to show him that you understood what he was saying. You understood that you weren’t unwanted. You understood that he wanted you and that he wanted to have sex with you. That you didn’t do anything wrong. You let the relief come over your body bringing fresh tears in your eyes. You took a deep breath as you were realising how wrong you were. But if you didn’t pressure him and if he really did want you as much as you did then what happened? Something was torturing him. A lot. But he didn’t seem willing to tell you what it was. You could see it in his expression. Yet you turned to look at him and asked.

“Then what’s wrong?” Your voice low and soft. Your eyes locked on his but not for long. Once you made that question the determined man that was looking at you a minute ago turned to face in front of him. His determination gone. It was replaced by a hurt look and the angry one you knew all too well. He was pissed off with himself. He didn’t answer the question. He just kept staring in front. You kept staring at him for a little bit more hoping he would answer but when he didn’t so you turned to face in front of you too. You lowered your head. Seeing him like that was tearing your heart in two. But the worst part was that you couldn’t help him. You didn’t know what was wrong and he didn’t want to tell you. You both stood there lost in your thoughts for a couple of minutes. You knew he was arguing with himself if he should tell you or not which made you worry even more. What was so hard to tell? Just when you thought that, you heard him taking a deep breath.

You started turning to face him but he spoke before you looked at him.

“ Every time we get there...Every time we get close.... Every time we’re going for it all I can think about is Dean...” He said and you could hear in his voice that he was upset. You were looking him straight in the eyes now. He continued before you had the time to process the information. “ I remember Dean telling me what a great night he had with you... I remember how happy he was... And I remember you walking in so happy too...” He took a deep and shaking breath. “ He did make you happy (Y/N)... I know that what you had with Dean is in the past but you can’t ignore the fact that **he** made you happy... Those nights you had with him... they were great...The nights you had with him made you happy and made him happy too... **he** did that... He made things good... **He** made you happy...” He took another deep breath and he turned to face in front of him once more.When he spoke again his voice was low and gruff. “...I want to make it work...And I want to make things good, I really do... But I don’t think I can... Not the way Dean did...”

Once he finished talking you took a deep breath too to process the information. You never thought Sam would feel like that. It was a relief though because at least now you knew what was wrong. And you could finally understand what made him feel like that. Maybe he was scared of telling you because he thought you would take it that he was still feeling guilty about your relationship. That his words would hurt you. But you understood how he was feeling. You never thought he’d feel this way though. Sam wasn’t the insecure type of guy. And you knew that if the man before him was someone he’d never seen or met he wouldn’t feel this way. What was bothering him was the fact that he lived your relationship with Dean from the beggining to the end. And he was so close. He was right. Dean really did make you happy and he witnessed that. Which made him compare himself to Dean and feel inadequate. And he couldn’t be more wrong. Also he didn’t tell you but you knew he believed that you would compare him to Dean too. He believed you would in your mind. And once again he couldn’t be more wrong and you had to make him see that. Now that you knew what was wrong you knew what to say...

You moved closer to him and you moved your hand under his arm to reach for his fingers just like you did the night you had that big fight. Your hands were palm to palm again. You run your fingers through his and rested your head on his shoulder. You closed your eyes for a moment as he was running his fingers through yours. Then you lifted your head and left a light kiss on his shoulder. You spoke still holding his hand.

“ What I had with Dean is in the past...” You started and he turned to look at you still holding your hand. He had the same hurt look on his face. You smiled at him gently. “ I know you think that inside I will compare what I had with Dean with what I have with you... That I’ll comare Dean to you... But I can’t... It’s not fair to you or Dean or me...” You took a deep breath. You looked down briefly and you continued. “... I’ve changed... I’m not the same person that was with Dean... Since I was with Dean I lost the love of my life... I suffered because of it... I grieved him... And I managed to get over it... And then...” You smiled at him again and your eyes were getting wet again. But they weren’t sad tears. His eyes were locked on yours. “Then I fell in love with an amazing man... I fell in love with you...” You said and kissed his shoulder once again letting a tear leave your eye. “ And when I say you I mean you... My Sam you... I want to be with you... And when I say that I want to have sex with you... I mean you... Not the Dean version of you... I don’t want to have sex with Dean in your body... I don’t want you to be Dean... I want you to be you... Because I want to be close to you...” You placed your hand on his cheek. He closed his eyes as you were rubbing soft circles with your thumb. He nodded and you smiled to him between tears. He moved forward and kissed your lips. You kissed him back softly. You could feel he was more relaxed now. When he pulled back you moved his hand again so that he would hug you. You kissed his lips once more.

“ Let’s get some sleep...” You said with a low voice. You pushed him down gently. Once he was lying on the bed he wrapped his other arm around you too. You knew he hadn’t still accepted everything you said. It would take him sometime. But he could feel you meant every word and that at least made him relax. But there was another thing you wanted to say to him.

“ And you don’t have to worry about making it work...You don’t have to worry about making it good... Because you already have... I know we never really talked about it but...” You took a deep breath and your heart flattered in your chest. “ I enjoyed the night we had together... a lot...” You felt yourself blushing as you were saying those words. You raised your head to look at him. For a moment he was just looking at you and then he answered.

“ Me too” He said smiling at you. He pressed his lips on yours again. You pulled back and rested your head on his chest again. You closed your eyes once more just listening to Sam’s heartbeat. He was running his fingers through your back gently. And then you noticed a scratch on his shoulder. It was so tiny. You could barely see it. You run your finger on it. You raised your head once again and looked at Sam.

“ How was the hunt?” You said and he looked at you confused for a moment. “ Well...You told me but I want details...” You smiled at him.

“ Details?...” He chuckled. “ Well... I went to the police station and...” He started explaining to you. You spend some time talking about the hunt. Like he said before it was an easy hunt. But right now it gave you the chance to allow him to relax changing the subject. You relaxed too. It gave both of you the time to realise some things. You realised even better that what happened wasn’t your fault and Sam took some time to realise that you wanted him. That you wanted him to be himself. The conversatio went on for quite some time and you started feeling very sleepy.

At some point you started yawning uncontrolably. You could barely keep your eyes open. You raised your head to look at him once more. You ran your hands through his hair and kissed him. You pulled back. He smiled and kissed you again. This time it was a longer kiss. You started feeling that burning inside again and it was taking all your tireness away. You pulled back and bit your lower lip briefly.

“ Goodnight...” You said and you rested your head on his chest again. He took a deep breath and spoke.

“ Are you sure you want to sleep...?” He said looking at you not really sure about the answer he’d get. You raised your head to look at him. Your eyes turned wide open and your heartbeat started rising again. All tireness gone. You didn’t see that coming. You wanted to make sure he was sure about this.

“ I don’t as long as you don’t...” You said and bit your lip. You took a deep breath too before continuing. “ Are you sure you don’t...?” You were nervous about his answer...but...

“ Pretty much...” He chuckled. His voice serious and determined. His eyes locked on yours. You smiled and you kissed him once more.

He kissed you back and you deepened the kiss. You wrapped your arms around his neck. He made a sudden move and he was on top of you. He placed himslef between your legs and then moved his hands on your thighs until he got to your knees grabbing the inside and pulling you closer with a fast move. You pushed your nails in his naked shoulders.He kissed your neck hard and a sigh left your lips before you could stop it. He pulled back and looked at you smiling. You were just looking at him for a second. You were seeing he was sure of himself again. You smiled gently. He smiled back. You pulled him back into a kiss. Your breaths became fast. You could feel his fast breath on his so quicly rising chest. His hands on your hips. You moved yours and as he was still kissing you you grabbed his hand and you led it from your hips to your waist to your belly and then over your top on your breast. He pulled back and kissed your neck once more massaging your breast a little roughly but you liked it. And suddenly out of nowhere he run his hands on your back and pulled you up into a sitting position with him still between your legs. For a moment you lost the world around you and then you felt his lips kissing your collarbone firmly. He pulled back. He looked at you for a second watching you breathing heavily. Your heart was about to burst with desire. You run your hands through his hair again and smiled a breathless smile. He kissed your lips once more. He run his hands on your back roughly. And then you felt his hands on your back lifting your top. You raised your hands still kissing him so he could free you from your top. You only broke the kiss to get out of the shirt and allow him to throw it God knows where. He returned to your neck and his hands Travelled from your back to your breasts and under your pants and underwear making you shiver. You arched your neck startled by the feeling. He kissed your lips once more. You couldn’t control yourself. You were sighing on his lips. He got his hand out of your pants and started pulling them down kissing your neck. You closed your eyes and bit your lip.

“ Sam...” You said trying to stop him. But your voice was breathless and you really really didn’t want to stop. You were running your hands through his hair as he was kissing your collarbone again. Rough kisses that were blowing your mind away.

“ Sam...” You said again louder this time pushing him slightly. He stopped immediately and looked at you confused and breathless. You closed your eyes trying to regain your selfcontrol as well as control of your irregular breaths. Finally when your heartbeats were a little slower you opened your eyes and smiled at him. You run your hands through his hair softly and you kissed him briefly. “Safety first...” You said letting your hands drop to your sides.

“ Right...” He said smiling at you and he kissed your neck briefly. You got up allowing him to move and remove his pants. You lied on the bed and you removed your pants and underwear still kind of breathless.

He was back kissing your neck in no time. He kissed your lips firmly and you started losing control again. He run his hands from your your neck to your breasts and then to your hips opening them firmly. You gasped. He kissed your lips. Then your collarbone. Your breats. Your belly. And he kept going until he burried his face between your legs.He run his hands under your knees to have a tight grip on your hips. You could feel his hair on the inside of your thighs and the lower part of your belly. Your heart was beating like a drum. You lied on the bed grabbing the sheets tightly and sighing as a response to his touch. Your were breathing heavily unable to control a few gasps.Your toes curled and you tightened your grip on the sheets. When your sighs became way to loud Sam returned to your neck kissing your belly and your breasts again on the way up.

A moment later Sam was kissing you full on the mouth. He placed himself firmly between your legs. You wrapped them around him and you run your hands through his back almost scratching it. He run his hands from your hips to your waist to your breasts to your arms lifting them a bit grabbing your rists tightly and pressing them against the bed. Your hands fists now. You gasped again breaking the kiss. Your heart beating like crazy. He kissed your neck and slowly moved his hands still keeping yours down but opening your fists and placing his fingers between yours. You grabbed his hands too as he was still pressing yours down.

“ I want you, Sam...” You wispered breathlessly in his ear. In response he kissed your lips so roughly for a moment you thought he bit you. “ I want you too...” He said against your lips before filling them again.

He kissed your neck your shoulders your breasts and anywhere else he could find. You were breathing in his sweat as he was moving against you. You moaned his name in his ear. He kept moving faster and faster as your moans were getting louder and louder... Untill your grip on his hands became tighter. Your nails in his flesh as he was still keeping your hands down firmly. Your knuckles turned white. You tightened your legs around his waist with a gasp. You pulled him closer insictively with a twich of your hips. Your breaths faster than before. You shot your eyes. You arched your back with a sudden move moaning his name one last time louder than ever before... For a few moments you lost the world around you. Your heart exploded. You forgot where you were and your mind went completely blanc... You opened your eyes with a sudden move and a silent gasp. You laid your back on the bed again breathing heavily. Your heartbeat still fast. Your legs relaxed still wrapped around him.Your grip on Sam’s hands softened as his became tighter. He kissed your neck once more roughly. You sighed and wrapped your legs tightly around him again. You closed your eyes once again as you could feel him losing control. His hands pushing yours down so hard it hurt. He moved one last time moaning your name in your ear silently. He gasped a few times before resting on top of you breathing heavily His eyes shut for a few moments... His grip on your hands softened. He didn’t let your hands go though. He run soft circles with his thumb on the back of your hands and you did the same to him. You closed your eyes enjoying the feeling. You were both trying to regain your self control. Your breaths slowly returning to normal. You were actually feeling how sweaty you both were for the first time. When you were both breathing slowly you moved your hands letting Sam’s go and you moved them under his arms hugging his back. You placed your head between his head and his shoulder breathing him in. He raised his head and you laid back on the bed. He lifted himself a bit putting all his weight on his elbows that he placed in either side of you. He leaned on you and kissed your lips softly.You run circles with your thumbs on his back. You felt his tense muscles relax under your touch. He pulled back and lifted himself lying next to you. He reached for your fingers and he brushed them softly pulling you closer. You turned on your side and lied on top of him. He wrapped both his arms around you as you were resting yours on his chest. He started brushing that hand with his free hand and he was rubbing your back with the other. You relaxed under his touch. He pulled you closer and you sighed.You stayed there for a while just breathing him in. Listening to his heartbeat that was still as fast as yours. You kissed his chest softly. Just a small kiss and you spoke.

“ Sam... That was amazing...” You said to him. Your voice low and calm. You raised your head to look at him.

“ Yeah...Yeah it was...” He answered you with a smile. His voice serious and low.He leaned towards you and kissed you briefly. He pulled back just a bit and then he kissed you again. Longer this time. He pulled back and you gave him one more kiss before lying on his chest again. You closed your eyes. You could feel him breathing under your body. You loved him so much. And right now you couldn’t be happier...

You lied on his chest for some time. Just breathing him in. Just listening to his heartbeat. He was holding you tied caressing your back.He run his free hand on the one you had on his chest. He stopped on your fingers for a second and then with just his fingers he touched your wrist softly. You opened your eyes and looked at your hand. Your wrist was red. Like you’ve been tied up. You knew this would go away in a couple of hours. Sam was running his finger carefully on the red spot until he finally spoke.

“ Does it hurt?” He asked and his voice sounded gruff and serious.

“ We both know you can do a lot worse...” You said laughing. Sam chuckled hesitantly still running his fingers on your hand. You took a deep breath. You knew it wasn’t that simple. You raised your head to look at him and you were serious too. You looked in his eyes and he had that hurt look again on his face. He was trying to hide it but you knew him too well. You gave him a small smile and spoke again.

“ Sam...If you’re hurting me I promise I’ll tell you...” You said. He raised his hand and cupped your cheek. He run circles with his thumb on it making you close your eyes to enjoy his touch.

“ Yeah...” He said serious again but smiling. He moved closer to you and kissed you. It was a soft kiss. He pulled back for a second just to see you smiling and he kissed you again. Softly... He deepened the kiss and he gently turned so that he could be on top. He pushed you down softly so that you could lie on the bed. You lied on the bed feeling relaxed. He had his hands on your face as he was kissing you full on the mouth. He pulled back to look at you again. You smiled to him gently...

“ Should we test that...?” He said smiling while gently rubbing your cheek. You smiled a wicked smiled.

“ Do your worst...” You said to him wrapping your arms around him. He chuckled before kissing you again and moving his hands to your hips pulling you closer...

And so you had round two...and three...and four... And everytime was even better. You didn’t really think that was possible after round two but round four made you so loud you felt greatful nor Cas or Jody or anyone else was visiting. Sam also held back less and less. He probably started feeling you weren’t that fragile. Especially when he ended up with scratches on his back and his lip bitten. He was also being himself. With every kiss he was more open to you. Being Sam... The Sam you loved...After the last time you were both exhausted...

You lied on Sam’s chest again and he wrapped his arms around you once more. You could barely keep your eyes open. Your body felt sore and all you could feel was Sam breathing. You could hear his heartbeat too. That unique heartbeat that made you relax even more. You sighed as you felt him pulling you closer. It made you feel safe. He kissed your forehead as you were drifting off. You smiled half asleep. Somewhere inside you were wondering how it would be this time. Cause this time you wouldn’t leave. You would wake up on Sam’s arms and if you could you knew you wanted to stay there for eternity...

**Sam’s point of view**

I hold her as tight as I possibly can. Yes, this really was amazing. For a moment I thought she didn’t feel the same. She didn’t say a word for a while the first time. And though I felt like she was enjoying it I began to doubt. But then she turned to look at me with those huge eyes telling me how much she loved it. Every single time... And then the way she kissed me back a moment ago... Her lips so soft... Her skin so soft under my hands. I feel her relaxing under my touch. I feel her breaths as they move her body. I look at her. Her hand on my chest. Her head on my chest. Her naked back under my hands. To me she is so beautiful... The last thing I want to do is hurt her. I’ll freak out if anything ever hurts her... I hold her close to me feeling like I can protect her from anything as long as she’s in my arms. I feel exhausted... I begin to fall asleep... And as I do I remember the last time we had sex... When I woke up and she was gone... I thought I lost her forever that day... And now I can’t help but wondering how it will be to look in her eyes first thing in the morning... Cause this time she will be there... And I feel stupid because a part of me is still scared that she won’t be...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for the delay... Next chapter tomorrow!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter inspired by this song :  
> Scorpions - You and I

**Your point of view**

You woke up in the morning feeling Sam’s arms still wrapped around you. Your body was sore but you didn’t really care. You kept your eyes close for a while. Just feeling his chest moving up and down with every breath. Your heart flattered in your chest and you smiled to yourself before opening your eyes. You were feeling kind of cold. You closed your eyes again and moved a bit so that Sam’s arm would cover your shoulder. He moved in his sleep and held you tighter.

You first thought to stay in bed till Sam wakes up too. But then you decided to do something else. You would make breakfast for both of you. And then bring it to bed and then wake Sam up. You were sure he would appreciate it. He doesn’t get breakfast in bed every day. You smiled to yourself again. You held Sam’s fingers and carefully lifted his arm to free yourself. Once you moved out of his hug you carefully placed his hand on the bed. You stood there to look at him for a moment. He was so peaceful. Just sleeping. The sight made your heart beat a little faster. You brushed his hair smiling and you kissed his lips as softly as possible making sure he wouldn’t wake up.

You got up with slow moves. You looked around. Both your clothes were thrown all over. You chuckled silently at the memory of your shirt flying across the room. You spotted it somewhere near the bathroom. Yet you didn’t go for it. You looked around for Sam’s shirt. Yeah... It’s a chiche... But you wanted it. You moved around the room. You stood close to the door still looking around. You spotted yourself in the mirror. Your neck and hands had the same red marks they had last time. You spotted some light bruises on your hips too. You remembered how terrible that made you feel the morning you left. You smiled because now they were just the aftermath of an amazing night. You looked around once more searching for Sam’s shirt. Where on earth did you throw it? You stood there to think for a second since you couldn’t see it. And then you heard Sam’s voice.

“ Where are you going?” He asked and his voice was serious and slightly gruff. You were startled. You turned to look at him surprised. He was still on bed sitting resting his back on the back of the bed waiting for your answer. You could see the slight fear in his eyes. And you didn’t blame him. The plan was to be back to bed before he wakes up. He cought you leaving. If you were him your mind would travell back to the morning you left too.

“ I was just looking for your shirt...” You said still looking around. “ Have you...?” You started asking when you saw Sam’s shirt under the bed from his side. You smiled and moved close to him. You bend streching your hand to catch the shirt. You wore it. It was way too big for you. It was more like a dress than a shirt. You looked at Sam again. He was still watching you carefully. It was almost if you could hear his heart beating faster. You sat next to him on the bed. You burried your hand in his. He was rubbing circles with his thumb on your hand. He was looking at your hands serious. You looked at him serious too. There was no point in hiding. You knew what scared him and with all the things that you’ve been through some reassurances wouldn’t hurt.

“ I wasn’t leaving... I wouldn’t... Not this time...” You said looking at him. He raised his head and looked at you. His expression still serious.

“ I know...” He said to you.

“ Hearing it too doesn’t hurt...” You smiled to him. His eyes were locked on yours making your heart beat harder. He smiled to you too.

“ No... It doesn’t...” He said and lifted his arm to cup your cheek and pull you close to kiss you. You let his hand go and placed yours on his cheek too. You pulled back smiling. He looked at his shirt and smiled.

“ My shirt?” He asked. “ Yours is right there...” He said with a smile pretending to be confused as to why you were looking for his shirt when you most certainly spotted yours before. You smiled to him once again.

“ I was specifically looking for **your** shirt...” You said and kissed his lips once more. You could see it in his smile that he liked seeing you in his shirt.

“ Right...” He said when you pulled back. “ Where were you going?” He asked again. At first you were a little bit confused but apparently Sam understood you were looking for something to wear ( his shirt apparently) because you were leaving the room. You thought about it for a second and there was no reason in hiding.

“ I was going to make breakfast. It was supposed to be a surprise but... You woke up and... well it won’t be a surprise now...” You said chuckling and you got up before he could say anything. You kissed him one last time and you left the room smiling to him.

You went straight to the kitchen. You walked in and your jaw dropped. You moved close to the table. There was a tray there with everything you could ever think of eating. Sandwiches, cake, croissants, omelets ,orange juice and coffee. You were speechless you were just looking at all this. And just as you were doing that you noticed something on the side of the tray. You took the red rose in your hands still shocked.

“ Oh...You meant our breakfast...” You heard Sam’s voice from behind you. You jumped a little at the sound and you turned around to look at him still shocked. “ Sorry... Already made that...” He said with a fake-sorry smile. You were still looking at him shocked. He was fully dressed now just looking at you with that smile.Your lips moved on their own to form a huge smile. He moved close to you slowly kissing your lips softly wrapping his arms around your waist. You wrapped your arms around his neck still holding the red rose. When you pulled back and looked again at the breakfast waiting for you you felt like crying. You didn’t expect that at all and in your lives breakfast like that was a luxury.You turned to look at Sam again. He was smiling clearly satisfied with himself.

“ When did you do all that?” You asked still surprised. He brushed your waist with his hands a bit and answered.

“ I got up while you were still sleeping... I went out to buy the croissants and the cake...” He said. You felt like crying again. He went searching for croissants because he knew it was your favorite. You had them rarely in your line of work but the fact that he specifically searched for it made you melt inside. And all that making sure he wouldn’t wake you up. And that rose. Where did he find it?

“ And the rose...?” You asked smiling.

“ I wasn’t feeling good to buy just one rose so... there’s a bouquet in the library...” He answered chuckling. Your smile turned even more wide as if that was possible. You pulled him in for a kiss with a fast move that surprised him. You kissed him firmly, full on the mouth. He wrapped his arms around you holding you tight. You pulled back and turned to the tray to decide what to eat first. Sam sat next to you grabbing a sandwich. You grabbed a croissant and you were ready to eat it but you looked at Sam again and you realised there was somethng you forgot. You moved closer to him and sat on his lap. You wrapped your arms around his neck and he wrapped his free hand around your waist.

“ Thank you...” You said and he smiled before kissing you. You pulled him as close to you as possible and he deepened the kiss. You pulled back briefly and you kissed him again moving your hand across his other hand till you got to his fingers that were still holding that sandwich. You tried to run your fingers between his makng him leave the sandwich down. Once he did he wrapped that hand around you too. You brushed his hair with both your hands before pulling back. Your heart was beating like a drum again.

“ You know we could eat all that later...” He said to you smiling like he was rationalising the situation.

“ We could go for round six...” You said smiling.

“ Six?” He asked confused. “ We only had four...”

“ Yes...” You said still smiling. “ But I won’t let you get off bed unless we have round six...” You said in a low voice with your eyes locked on his. He kissed your lips and you got up to allow him to get up too. He pulled you in for a kiss again and you felt his hands on your hips gently lifting you. You allowed him to filft you up and you wrapped your legs around his waist as gently as possible. He kissed you full on the mouth and when you pulled back he wispered in your ear.

“ Make that seven...” he said and you felt your whole body burning. You bit your lip briefly. You just looked at him to see him smiling at you. You kissed him again and he carried you back to his room and on the bed as gently as possible...

And you had round five and round six and round seven. And once again it was amazing. And you both let yourselves go. Sam wasn’t scared of being a little rough with you and you didn’t hesitate to get on top during round six. When you were done again you were exhausted and breathing heavily but instead of sleeping ,Sam decided to have a shower and after a while you decided to join him. He didn’t expect that but he really wanted it. You let him wash your hair. He kissed your shoulder after he was done before you turned around to wash his hair. Which turned out to be really difficult since you were too short to do this easily. So Sam lifted you up so that you had the same height.

“ If you drop me I’ll kill you...” You said to him slightly scared.

“ I won’t drop you...” He smiled to you. And you trusted him because you knew that Sam wouldn’t lift you up unless he was completely sure he wouldn’t drop you. And even if he felt he couldn’t hold you anymore he would put you down immediately. So you smiled at him and washed his hair with slow and gentle movements. Making sure no shampoo would get in his eyes. Every now and then you’d kiss his lips lightly. Finally he put you down to wash the shampoo off. You stayed there just hugging under the hot water until it turned cold. Sam got out first tying a towel around his waist. When you got out he already had a towel in his hands and he wrapped it around your body leaving your hands free. He kissed your neck and you turned to look at him.

“ So...food or sleep?” He asked.

“ First food then sleep...” You replied and kissed him once more.

So you both got dressed and head to the kitchen. You checked your clock for the first time now. It was early afternoon. You were surprised nobody called all day, but of course you didn’t mind. So you ate what was supposed to be breakfast but ended up to be lunch. After that you weren’t feeling that sleepy anymore so you both decided to watch a movie. You spend the rest of your time like that. And when the movie ended... well... it was time to get some sleep. You went back to Sam’s room and you lied on his chest like you usually do. You were feeling your body being so sore. You were so tired your eyes started closing the moment Sam wrapped his arms around you. But then you heard a phone ringing. You lifted your head startled by the sound. Sam kissed your head.

“ It’s mine...” He said and you rested your head on his chest again. He picked up the phone and... “ Jody!!!” He said to the phone and you lifted your head again. “ Yeah...I’m fine... How are you?” He said and you signaled him to put Jody on speaker so you could hear too. Jody was talking while Sam was doing that. He finally made it and you heard Jody on the line.

“ It’s a little complicated. I’m not sure if it’s a vamp or something else... Can you check it out?” Jody asked.

“ Yeah, we’ll be there in the morning...” He said and immediately Jody answered.

“ We? What do you mean we?” Jody asked in a suspicious way. Sam looked at you realising what he just said. You realised it too. And of course Jody didn’t need anything more to understand what was going on. “ Is (Y/N) there?” She asked. You looked at Sam who looked at you guilty as hell. He was feeling like he was making you tell the truth to Jody. But there was no point in hiding. Actually you felt it was about time to tell her too. So you smiled to him and answered to the phone.

“ Yes, I’m here too.” You said and there was a pause for a second.

“ Aha...” Jody said finally. “ Well... I’ll see you both tommorow.” She concluded in a happy voice and she hung up. You were smiling but Sam looked at you confused.

“ No questions? Nothing?” He asked

“ Oh! she will ask, alright...” you said to him chuckling. He chuckled too and then he looked at you serious again.

“ I didn’t know you wanted to tell her...” He said and you smiled to him again.

“well... It was about time” You said and he pressed his lips against yours. You knew he was happy you weren’t trying to hide your relationship anymore.

You wanted to be there by morning so you had to start driving tonight but you could still get about three hours of sleep. So you did. When you woke up you packed your things and you left. Sam insisted on driving because as he said you were too exhsuasted. You couldn’t resist and you replied to that comment that it was his fault you were that tired which made him chuckle. Indeed you got some sleep on the way and then you demanded you drove because Sam was tired too. He didn’t like it but when you were behind the wheel he fell asleep almost immediately. And just as you planned you were at Jody’s by morning. She greeted you both and gave you the basics on the case. She didn’t ask any questions yet. After you had breakfast Sam said it was time for you to visit the morgue but you told him to go alone. At first he was confused but then he understood you wanted to stay back to talk to Jody. So once he left you sat on the couch at Jody’s house and she sat opposite from you just like the night you knocked on her door so terrified. You explained her everything. You told her the whole story and it took you more than an hour to do so. She was smiling at you the whole time.

“ When you say together...” She said after you finished. “ You mean I have to prepare more than one room or you’ll be fine with the guest room?” She said winking at you. You laughed. You knew the question was more like “ have you had sex?” and the way Jody was putting it seemed so funny to you.

“ just one room...” You said to her and she smiled to you just as the door was opening. Sam walked in greeting you both. He sat next to you on the couch and kissed you briefly.

“ So what did you find?” You asked him.

“ Nothing more than what Jody said...” He answered you dissapointed.

“ Well...We’ll talk about this later... It’s lunch time...” Jody said and walked to the kistchen to serve lunch.

“ I’ll help you...” You yelled so she could hear you. You kissed Sam and went to the kitchen with Jody.

After you all had lunch you and Sam helped Jody to move the dished to the kitchen. Then Sam turned to you while Jody was outside.

“ We should go talk to the victim’s wife...” He told you. You thought about it for a second and answered.

“ Do you mind going alone?” You asked. You wanted to stay there cause there was one last thing you haven’t told Jody. Sam understood and nodded. You placed your hands on his cheeks again and brushed his hair. “ If...” You started saying but he knew exactly what you were about to ask and he interrupted you.

“ I promise I’ll call you...” He said and brushed your waist with his hands leaning to kiss you. As you moved your lips against his he pulled you closer gently. You wrapped your arms around his neck enjoying that kiss. And... you heard Jody clearing her throat. You seperated immediately. You felt like your mother caught you kissing someone. And your reaction was the same too. Both you and Sam moved away from each other looking embarrashed. You had most certainly blushed.

“ Bye Jody...” Sam said leaving the room giving you a smile that made you blush even more. You smiled back and you turned to Jody who was washing the dishes now.

“ Jody...” You said in a calm and serious voice.

“ What?” She asked turning to look at you briefly. You took a deep breath and continued.

“ Thank you...” You said and she looked at you. “ If it wasn’t for you...” You started saying but you couldn’t find the words to express your feelings. How important her role was. How greatfull you were. Because she was the reason you were happy now. Jody smiled to you. She dried her hands and turned to you opening them to hug you. You hugged her back.

“ I’m so happy for both of you...” She said tapping your back gently. You smiled closing your eyes hoping this hug would make her understand all these things you couldn’t put into words. She pulled bac smiling to you and you could see happiness and pride in her eyes. You smiled too as your eyes were getting wet...

Sam came back with nothing that could help you solve the case so after dinner you went straight to bed. And you had a good night’s sleep. And that’s all you had cause with Jody , Alex and Claire in the house it was uncomfortable to do anything more. The case turned out to be one one of the most difficult cases you ever had to solve. You stayed at Jody’s for about a week. Finally you found the nest and you delt with it. So after that you said goodbye and head back home. This week made you miss each other’s touch...a lot. It wouldn’t surprise you if Jody figured out you were a little too eager to leave. Sam drove on the way back. You were home by nightfall. You stepped out of the car and grabbed your bags ( This time you didn’t let Sam take yours... Or rather he didn’t get the chance.) You walked in and threw the bag God knows where. Sam did the same and you jumped on him without second thought. You kissed him full on the mouth and you pulled his shirt off. He carrried you to his room again fast and threw you on the bed tearing your shirt in half. You loved that shirt but that move was such a turn on... The whole thing was fast and intense. No patiense to take it slow. Sam went straight to the point making you moan his name in only a few seconds. You almost cried from pleasure this time. After you were done you were both breathing loudly and heavily. Like you’ve been running for hours. Sam pulled you in his arms once again as both your breaths were returning to normal. You closed your eyes to enjoy the comfort you were feeling when he was holding you like that.

“ That was good...” You said. And by good you meant absolutely amazing and Sam knew that.

“ Yeah...” He chuckled and kissed your forehead. You were breathing fine now and so was Sam. Your fingers were running circles on his chest as his hand was rubbing your back. Soon you felt really relaxed. Your eyes started closing and you began to drift away. You felt Sam taking a deep breath. You moved your hands to hug him as tight as you possibly could. He tightened his grip around you puling you closer. And then he said it...

“ I love you...” His voice low and calm. His tone serious. You’ve heard it before but this time it was different. This time he meant a different kind of love... This time he meant that he loved you in any way possible... Your heart skipped a beat. Your eyes wide open. You knew he wasn’t expecting an answer. He just wanted you to know. You raised your head to look at him. He looked back at you. His eyes locked on yours. His hand rubbing your back softly. You melted under his touch. The moment was so intense you felt like every beat of your heart was a small explosion inside. You raised your hand and brushed his cheek. He closed his eyes and your heart gave you another little explosion. He opened them again and you answered and your voice trembled a bit.

“ I love you too...” You said with a voice close to a wisper. And you meant it just like he did. In any way possible... You kissed his lips. It was an intense kiss that made your heart explode once more. You couldn’t hold back and you felt a tear leaving your eye. You pulled back. Sam lifted his free hand to brush your hair with his eyes locked on yours. They were wet too. He pulled you in for another kiss in which all his love was hidden. When you pulled back you rested your head on his chest again. You took a deep breath as he was wrapping both his arms around you holding you tight. He kissed the top of your head and then rested his chin on your head. You closed your eyes but you doubted you’d be able to sleep tonight...

**Sam’s point of view**

My heart beats like a drum. I saw the tear leaving her eye and I barely kept mine in. I close my eyes bringing her voice in my mind again. She loves me. And I love her too... More than anything... I tighten my grip around her cause right now I feel that if I don’t my whole world will be gone. Cause right now she is the center of it... Right now my whole world circles around her...

**Your point view**

The next morning you woke up and this time you made breakfast for both of you. You spend the day searching for a case. You caught one and you went after it. And that’s how the following weeks went by. You didn’t have much time to rest. Unlike the previous weeks cases now were popping up out of nowhere. It was tiring but it was always a relief to return home and lie on your bed. And your bed was now Sam’s bed. Just like his room became yours. You slowly started to move your stuff in his room. You didn’t really ask Sam to let you do that. And he didn’t ask you either. He allowed you to do it in your own pace. At first he emptied the drawers of the nightstand on your side of the bed. He idn’t tell you anyhing. He just let you see it and decide to fill them with your stuff whenever you were feeling like doing so. You did it the same night. That’s how it went when you found half of the closet empty. You smiled and moved your clothes in. Yes, It would probably be more comfortable if you just had your own rooms and you just slept on the same bed but that was not the point. The point was to feel closer to each other. And you did. Opening your closet and finding Sam’s clothes next to yours reminded you of waking up next to him. But to call his room your room took you a little longer. You moved almost all your stuff but it was still Sam’s room to you. Your room carried the memories of your life before and with Dean. In the form of photos in a drawer in your nightstand. To feel Sam’s room yours you had to move those memories in there. To make past and present one. To feel like it was your room too it had to keep inside that piece of you. It wasn’t easy for you to do that. Most of the time you felt like it was too important and that you weren’t ready for it. But one day just as you woke up and saw Sam sleeping next to you you realised that this room was your room for a long time now. There was nothing to be ready for. You were already there. Moving the photos was just a symbolic act which was about time for you to do. You got up and got your photos from your room and opened the drawer. You put them in just as you noticed Sam looking at you fully awake. You closed the drawer and smiled to him. He smiled back. He knew what these photos meant to you and he understood the symbolism behind your act. You lied back on the bed with your back turned to him and he wrapped his arms around you. You felt him kissing your neck before drifting off again in one of the last days you had to sleep a little longer. Cas called in the afternoon asking you to help with a case.And so you did. And you worked about five cases before having the chance to stay at home for about three days again. And you kind of missed that a lot. You spend most of your time sleeping. When you woke up you checked Sam’s side and he wasn’t there.

You got up slowly. You got dressed and walked to the library. It was early afternoon. You slept the whole morning. You found Sam sitting in front of his laptop talking on the phone.

“ Yeah...Yeah, we will...Tomorrow....” He said on the phone as you moved closer to him. He saw you and he gave you a smile. You smiled back. He hung up and you leaned to kiss him.

“ Hey...” He said getting up and kissing you once more.

“ Hey...” You replied and your voice sounded really gruff. You had a sore throat. You’ve been trying to convince Sam and yourself that you were fine for about two days now but there was no point in denying it anymore. You were coming down with something. You were just thankfull your nose wasn’t full of snot... “ Who was on the phone?” You asked Sam as you were leaning on the table.

“ Jody...She has a case for us... We’ll leave tommorow...” He answered you ready to walk to the kitchen to bring you something to eat but you stopped him.

“ Maybe I should sit this one out...” You said in the same gruff voice. Sam turned to you again. He hesitated for a second. Then he looked at you and asked.

“ Are you sure?” He knew how much you hated staying behind on hunts. And you knew that every cell in his body was telling him not to ask because it could change your mind. He knew that coming like that would put you in danger even more than usual and he hated that. But he was trying his best to trust you and not make you feel weak. You smiled and brushed his cheek.

“ Yes...” You said and he kissed your lips softly before turning around to leave again. You knew he was feeling terribly relieved you said no. And he was really trying to hide it.

“ You don’t have to hide your relief...” You chuckled just to mess with him. He turned around looking serious.

“ I’m not relieved...” He said. You smiled and turned your back to him gathering some papers from the table.

“ On second thought...” You started saying... “ I think I’ll come with you...” You said with a smirk. You weren’t really planning on going. You just wanted him to admit he was relieved just like you’d be if he was staying home. He knew that so he walked close to you and hugged you from behind. He kissed your cheek softly.

“ You win this time...” He said to you and left for the kitchen.

Turns out you made the right call. During the night you were feverish. You barely slept. You tried your best not to wake Sam up since he had to drive the next day but you failed. You told him you had a fever and he asked if you had taken something to drop your temprature. You told him you did and he tried to hug you to keep you warm but you moved away. There was nothing he could do at the time. You were feeling so cold you were tossing and turning all the time. He wouldn’t be able to sleep at all holding you. And the last thing he needed was to get sick too.Sam didn’t like it but you were determined not to let him hug you.Indeed you spend about two hours just tossing and turning. When your temprature finally started to drop you managed to relax and started falling asleep. You were certain that Sam was asleep by now but you felt him wraping his arms around you and right now it was exactly what you needed. You put your hand on his. You felt him kissing your head.

“ I love you...” You wispered to him but you didn’t hear if he answered cause you fell asleep right after the words left your mouth.

In the morning when you woke up Sam was already ready to go. You walked in the library to see him putting a book in his bag. You were feeling awful but you weren’t feverish anymore.

“ Hey...” You said with your sore throat that was hurting you so much today.

“ Hey...” He said leaving his bag to give you a hug. “ How are you feeling?” He asked stepping back to look at you from top to bottom.

“ Better than yesterday... I’m not feverish for one...” You said to him and your voice still sounded gruff.

“ I know I checked your temprature while you were sleeping...” He said and you smiled to him. You moved and hugged him. He held you tight and took a deep breath.

“ Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” He asked serious.

“ Yes, I’m sure...” You said. He didn’t like your answer but he didn’t object. He took another deep breath pulling back. He kissed your forehead and you closed your eyes to enjoy the kiss.

“ All right... I have to go...” He said and grabbed his back before turning to you again.

“ If you feel bad... If you want me to come back...” He started saying but you interrupted him. You smiled to him and you wrapped your arms around his neck.

“ I’ll call you... But I’ll be fine... I already feel better...” You said pulling back and sitting on the table. Your gruff voice didn’t convince him. He took another deep breath. He leaned and kissed your lips lightly.

“ I love you...” He said to you.

“ I love you too...” You wispered as he was kissing your forehead again. He went up the stairs and he left. You took a deep breath and went back to sleep.

You spend the rest of the day in bed and truth was you started feeling a lot better. The next day you were feeling even better. The third day you had completely recovered. Sam called every night to check on you. He sounded relieved every time you were telling him you were feeling better. He told you the case wasn’t that difficult which made you relax a bit. Cause no matter how comfortable you acted you were always worried. He always told you that he loved you and you’d tell him you loved him too before he’d hung up and you’d fall asleep. The night of your third day alone he told you he’d be back tomorrow which made your heart flatter in your chest. You fell asleep that night full of anticipation.

The next morning you woke up very early. You couldn’t go back to sleep. You had this wierd feeling that something was missing. That something wasn’t right. You were tossing and turning for about ten minutes before deciding you couldn’t sleep anymore. You thought about it for a while. Maybe you were too eager to see Sam again. He was gone only three days and you were missing him like hell. You couldn’t wait for him to be back. So you got up and decided to clean up a bit. You moved to the library and you realised you forgot your cell phone there. You checked it. You had no calls. You looked around at the table. You manage to make a little mess while Sam was gone. Books left on the table and papers thrown all over. You started putting things in place. By the time you finished it wasn’t that early any more. As you were about to pick the last book up your phone rang. You lifted the book which was extra heavy and you answered the phone without checking who it was.

“ (Y/N)...” Jody said.

“ Hey Jody...” You said smiling putting the last book back on its self. “ Is Sam on the road yet?” You asked with a huge smile on your lips. But something inside you was screaming that he wasn’t.

“ ( Y/N)...” Jody said again and her voice was serious and gruff. Your heart skipped a beat.You felt your smile disappearing from your lips before Jody spoke again. “ Sam’s in the hospital...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately I'll be very busy for the next few weeks so expect a delay on the next three chapters...  
> I apologize in advance...


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter inspired by this song :  
> Delta Goodrem - Lost without you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This song was stuck in my head when I was writting the chapter:  
> Ronan Keating - If tomorrow never comes

“ Sam’s in the hospital”

You heard Jody’s words and you felt your heart sinking and cold sweat instantly covered your body. Your heart beat rising instantly and for a moment you felt like you lost the world around which caused you to stumble. You found your balance relatively quickly but you were feeling your knees weakening. You couldn’t move. Your breaths became deeper and faster as Jody’s words were sinking inside you. You were frozen feeling your heart beating painfully in your chest. You brought your hand to your face wiping off sweat in an attempt to gain your self control. To wake up before having a panic attack.

“ (Y/N)?” Jody asked on the phone. She sounded concerned about you. You haven’t said a word for a while.

“ Yeah, I’m here...” You said and your voice trembled a little. Jody’s voice calling your name brought you back to reality. You swallowed hard and started looking for your car keys frantically still trying to keep your voice calm so that Jody wouldn’t understand the panic you were feeling. “ What happened?” You asked again with a trembling voice as you found your car keys. You picked them up with shaking hands and run to the door as jody was answering you.

“ He got shot...” She said.

“SHOT?” You screamed as a new wave of panic was taking over your mind and your body and you stopped walking for a few seconds. You took a few silent breaths and continued. You opened the door with shaking hands and run to your car.

“ Don’t worry! It was in the arm. He just lost consiousness because of the blood loss...”She said as you were opening the door to your car. That didn’t make you feel any better. “ So I brought him to the hospital...” She concluded. You entered the car and run your free hand through your face to calm down.

“ What did the doctors say?” You asked. You manged to steady your voice this time but your hands were still shaking. Your heart was beating fast as you were waiting for Jody’s answer.

“ We just got here. I called you right away...” She said. You took a deep and shaking breath and spoke again.

“ Keep me posted” You said and hung up immediatly throwing the phone on the passenger seat. You couldn’t hold back anymore. You slowly brought your shaking hands to your face as you were losing control of your breaths. You covered your eyes with your hands trying to calm you down. But instead that triggered images of Sam lying helpless on the floor. You removed your hands with a sudden move and opened your eyes in a horrified expression. A sharp pain started from your heart spreading to your chest. Images continued flashing in front of you though your eyes were open. You started feeling like you couldn’t breathe and that’s when you finally heard you gasping. Like it was coming from another world. A sound that brought you back to reality. You shook your head shutting out the images which reduced the pain in your chest. And you focused on controling your breaths. You kept reminding yourself that you had to calm down cause you couldn’t drive like that. And if you couldn’t drive you couldn’t get there. You couldn’t get to Sam. Soon you were breathing at a normal rate again and your hands were steady enough for you to drive. You searched for your phone. Once you found it you called Cas immediately.

_“ I don’t understand. Why do you want me to say....”_

“DAMMIT” You yelled and thew the phone to the passenger seat again starting the car with a quick move. You were driving as fast as you possibly could praying to Cas. If he couldn’t hear you calling he would most certainly hear you praying. You were expecting to see him in the back seat any time now. But you were almost at the hospital and Cas didn’t appear or call. You started worrying about him too. But you just couldn’t handle it right now. Right now all you could think about was Sam. In the mean time Jody called and informed you that the doctors said that Sam would be fine. It calmed you down a bit but not enough.You were at the hospital in the early afternoon because the traffic was horrible. God knows how many times you cursed the other drivers in your mind as if it was their fault that the man you loved was hurt. Once you parked you looked at yourself in the mirror. You looked awfully worried.You took a few deep breaths to make sure you looked calm and walked out of the car.

You found Sam’s room relatively easily. Jody was waiting outside. When she saw you she got up with a small melancholic smile. You smiled back though your heart was beating like a drum.

“ The doctor’s inside...” she told you as the door was opening and you both turned to look at the doctor. He was a tall man with kind eyes.

“ He is awake...” he said smiling. “ He will be all right but for the time being I suggest only one visitor...” he continued smiling and he turned away leaving you and Jody alone.

“ (Y/N) you go... I’ll wait here...” Jody said and you took a deep breath trying to hide your shaking hands. You looked back at her and opened the door.

Once you walked in you saw Sam lying on the bed smiling. He was really pale and his eyes looked very tired and red. You noticed a few scratches on his face and hands. Nothing serious. Your eyes locked on his arm the minute you walked in. It was patched up and it didn’t seem to be that bad. But you still couldn’t relax.

“ Hey...” He said lifting himself up a bit. Your eyes left his arm and looked staight into his eyes.You smiled back at him and it was the first time you actually felt a little calmer. Even hurt like this he was still so beautiful to you.

“ Hey...” You said and you swallowed hard as the pain in your chest was coming back bringing tears to your eyes. You forced yourself to smile and breathed slowly to regain your self control without Sam noticing it was ever gone. You walked close to him and sat on the bed next to him. You run your fingers through his slowly and softly. Just looking at the way your hands moved. Feeling his soft skin. He run his thumb on the back of your hand. You did the same to him. It was a simple gesture but right now to you it was overwhelming. Cause in your mind no matter what the doctor said, wether it was a serious injury or not you didn’t care. In your mind you almost lost him. You felt your throat closing and your voice sounded a little gruff when you spoke.

“ How are you feeling?” You asked lifting your head to look at him.

“It hurts a bit but besides that I’m good...” He said offering you another smile. You smiled back again. “ Cas will take care of it...” He continued and the smile disappeared from your face. You completely forgot about Cas.

“ I don’t know Sam...” You said and he gave you a confused look. “ I called him and I prayed and he didn’t respond in any way...And knowing Cas I don’t think he would ignore the “ Sam’s hurt” type of prayer... I feel a little worried...” You concluded.

“ You’re right... It’s not like him...” He said lost in his thoughts and you took a deep and shaking breath. Sam noticed your worried look and spoke again almost immediately. “ It might be nothing...”

“ Yeah...Cause in our line of work it’s always nothing...” You said sarcastically. “ Anyway...I’ll call him again later...” You said and smiled to Sam again. And in that moment that he was looking back at you you felt so grateful he was still there. You leaned on him and cupped his cheek pulling him in for a kiss. You broke that kiss for just a second before he placed his uninjured hand on your cheek pulling you in for another one. A longer kiss. When you pulled back he had that sweet look on his face again as he was playing with your hair. You smiled at him just as Jody was coming in.

She checked on Sam and then she told you that she had to leave promising to be back tommorow morning. Right after she left the doctor came back telling Sam that he could actually go home tommorow and that he’d stay the night for observation. Despite Sam’s attempts to convince you not to stay the night with him you decided to stay and sleep on the chair next to his bed. So you brought the chair closer to his bed when it got late. You leaned on him and kissed him. He kissed you back with his hand on your neck pulling you as close as possible. When you pulled back just an inch. He brushed your cheek and wispered.

“ I love you.” Looking straight into your eyes.

“ I love you too...” You wispered back and kissed him briefly before lying back to the chair bringing your legs up bending your knees. You reached for his hand and he run circles with his thumb on the back of your hand. He started falling asleep and those circles became slower and slower until he was lost in his dreams and you finally felt free to express all your emotions.

And so you started crying... As silently as you possibly could. Cause you didn’t want to wake him up. And you didn’t want him to see you or hear you. So you were looking at his hand that you were holding in yours like you were holding his whole life. Like that was the most precious thing you had. And you never felt more scared in your entire life. He wasn’t in danger and his injury was a minor one in comparison to others. But he was hurt and he was just lucky to survive. Actually you were both lucky to survive this long. But somehow losing him two days ago was just your biggest fear. You didn’t know what would you do if it happened. Cause you loved him so much. But now you were feeling helpless and afraid and in pain. Cause you realised that the question wasn’t if you’d lose him but when. He got lucky this time. But he won’t be lucky every time. And you tried to burry that thought in your subconcious for so long. But that incident made you see that in your lives that was the only road. You felt your heart beating painfully as tears were running down your cheeks... You will lose him... It’s only a matter of time...

**Sam’s point of view**

I hear her breaths. Short and silent. She is crying. She is trying to hide it but one of those breaths woke me up. I wasn’t in deep sleep anyway. My first impulse is to open my eyes and get up to hug her. To hold her in my arms and tell her that I’m fine. To soothe her. Cause no matter how cool she was trying to play it, I could see it in her eyes that she got scared. Really scared. But I decide to pretend I’m still asleep. I know her. She doesn’t want me to see her cry. Not right now. So I keep my eyes closed and a teardrop falls on my hand. The hand she holds with her own little ones. With my eyes still closed I move my thumb on her hand slowly hoping that this will soothe her. Instead she gasped and I heard her barely suppressing a sob. I didn’t expect that. And just as I was ready to open my eyes and hold her she started moving. Indeed I opened my eyes but it was too dark for her to see me. She was bringing the chair closer to the bed. She sat again and brought her knees to her face. She moved my hand to her face too. She was so close and the chair was kind of low so my elbow was still lying on the bed. She kissed my palm. It was a soft kiss. And wet since I could feel the tears on her cheeks. And I felt guilty because if I had been more carefull she wouldn’t be like this now. She rests my hand on her knee still holding it in her hands and she continued crying. And I know that this is all for me. And though I hate to see her like that I feel my heart flatter as I realise how much she loves me. How much I love her too. I move my thumb against the back of her hand again. I knew it wouldn’t do any good. But I also knew that she didn’t want me to understand she was that distressed. So I keep holding her hand pretending I’m asleep.

And that’s how the night went by. She was crying till the early morning hours when she finally fell asleep. I continued holding her hand even after she drifted off till I fell asleep too.

In the morning I woke up to her putting my stuff in my bag to go.

“ Hey...” I said and my voice sounded gruff since I was still half asleep.

“ Hey...” She turned to look at me with a smile on her face. Not a single trace of tears. I can tell she feels slightly better but not as much as she wants me to believe. “ Cas is outside the hospital. He will heal you once we get out... You know... not to raise any more questions...” She said to me walking around the room to see if she forgot something behind. “ Here...” She said again and she gave me my clothes. “I’ll take care of your discharge...” She said and left the room still smiling.

I got dressed and I waited for her to come back. She walked in and when she saw that I was ready she grabbed my bag and I could see it was too heavy for her. I walked close to her and I smiled.

“ I can still carry my own bag...” I tell her and I reach to her to take the bag with my good hand. She stepped back and smiled to me again.

“ I know...” She said and her voice was significantly low now. She moved close to me in an instant and kissed me before walking out the door.

We got to her car where Cas was waiting for us. He healed me as she was throwing my bag in the back seat. And then she turned to Cas.

“ Why didn’t you answer my call...?” She asked obviously relieved that Cas was all right but curious.

“ I was in heaven... I couldn’t leave... Don’t ask. I’ll explain another time cause now I have to go back...” He said and gave her a smile to reassure her that everything was fine.

“ Thanks Cas...” I said and he nodded to me with a smile before disappearing.

I turned to her who moved close to me and wrapped her arms around my waist. She stepped on her toes and kissed me once again before turning around to head to the car.

“ Can I at least drive?” I say as I see her heading to the drivers seat. Of course I already know the answer.

“ Nope!” She said and opened the car door without even looking at me. I chuckle and I get in the car too.

She started driving and she seemed happy. But that’s the problem. She only seems happy. She is relieved but she’s not well. I can see it in her frozen smile. She doesn’t talk. And even worse her favorite song was on and she didn’t even notice.

“ How did you sleep last night?” I asked at some point hoping that would crack her. That it would bring what bothers her on the surface and make her talk about it so that I can comfort her. But she really doesn’t want to tell me...

“Fine... I mean it’s a hospital. It was better than I expected though...” She said casually and if I didn’t know the truth I would believe her. But I know and I look at her waiting for any reaction. She didn’t even turn to look at me. She kept on driving with that cold smile on her face. And I begin to realise that I probably scared her much more than I thought. I don’t think there are many things I can do besides giving her time and reminding her that I’m fine. And of course comfort her in any way I can without making her feel exposed. Like I know things she doesn’t want me to.

We were back in the afternoon. She reached for my bag again but this time I didn’t let her carry it. I kissed her and I walked inside grabbing her bag too in the process. Another way to show her I’m fine. More than fine. She followed me in. She seemed all right for the rest of the night. We ate and then I went straight to bed. I was fine but I was exhausted too. She didn’t follow me. She said she wanted to watch tv instead. That’s not like her but I know she’s been through much too. I fell asleep immediately. At some point I felt the bed moving and her lips soft on mine. I was too tired to open my eyes. I just felt her lie on the bed holding my hand in hers gently caressing my fingers before she fell asleep too.

I don’t know how much time had passed when I was awaken from her tossing and turning. I didn’t even got to realise what was happening when she got up screaming...

“ DEAAAN!!!!!” I froze. I didn’t know what to do. What was I supposed to do. She was sitting on the bed. I could hear her breathing heavily trying to come back from her nightmare but I don’t open my eyes. I pretend I’m still asleep. But I can’t resist and I open my eyes just a little. She is sweaty. Running her hands through her hair. Tears in her eyes. Tears she shed in her sleep. Normally she would notice me watching but right now she just seems lost. She threw the covers off and she got up. Her breaths still fast. She walked to the door and left the room. I do nothing. I feel that I should do something but at the same time I feel I shouldn’t. I want to hold her in my arms and calm her down. But this is a nightmare I don’t think I can do this for. This is a nightmare about Dean. Something about her and Dean most likely. I feel like this doesn’t belong to me. That this is something that belongs to her and Dean when he was alive. Something I can’t interfere with. Something I can’t help with. From persnal experiense these nightmares come and go. But I don’t know if she wants me to help her with them or if she wants to deal with it on her own. She walks in again more relaxed for sure. I still pretend that I’m asleep. She climbs on the bed and I feel her hand on my face. Her thumb on my cheek. Her face close. I breathe her breath and It’s really hard for me not to open my eyes and kiss her. Comfort her in any way that I can. But I feel her lifting my hand and burrying herself in my chest. I bring her closer “ in my sleep” and she turned around so that her back would be on my chest. She stayed there for the rest of the night but she didn’t fall asleep again. And neither did I...

When her alarm clock rang she got up and got dressed immediately. She kissed my forehead and left. Once she walked out I opened my eyes. I decided to get up too. I got dressed and I walked to the library. She wasn’t there so I went to the kitchen instead. I found her cooking. She heard me coming in and she turned her head to greet me with a smile. Damn! She fakes it so well but I feel how cold that smile really is.

“ Hey...” I answer. But I don’t smile and she noticed. I sit on the table and she turned to look at me.

“ Are you all right?” She asked with her fake smile again.

“ Yeah. I’m good... Just tired...” I lie. Cause truth is I’m getting pissed. I hate to see her like that. And she doesn’t seem to have any intention to tell me what’s wrong. She seemed satisfied with my answer and she went back to cooking. She brought me coffee and kissed me and moved to the fridge to take some ingredients. I think about it for a second with my eyes locked on her back and I finally decide to ask. “ How did you sleep last night...?”

“ Great...” She answered without hesitation. “ I haven’t slept that well in ages...” She said with that smile still on her face. She didn’t turn to look at me though. And all I can think about is that she lied. She lied... Of course she lied. Sometimes I forget she and Dean were a perfect much and masters at hiding their feelings from everyone except each other. They had some epic fights in the beggining of their relationship. They both accused one another of hiding things. Eventually they learned to understand each other without having to say a single word. And just like Dean did ,she is hiding from me. In other words she is shutting me out. And though I don’t like it I don’t say anything more. Because if she doesn’t want to tell me I don’t want to make her feel bad by telling her everything I saw and heard. But I keep an eye on her for the rest of the day.

She was mostly ok. The only thing out of the ordinary was that she actually asked me to do my chores. I assume she wanted to keep her mind busy so that she wouldn’t think about her nightmare. After she was done she joined me on the couch to watch a movie. At some point she started falling asleep on my chest as I was playing with her hair. At that point I actually thought she was feeling better but before she even closed her eyes she jumped off my arms and then she lied on my chest again. At first I was confused but then I unsderstood she was trying to avoid sleeping. Or better she was scared of sleeping. After the movie was over I said I would go to bed. She didn’t want to follow even though I asked more than once.

This tme I fell asleep and I didn’t feel her coming in or lying on the bed. But in the middle of the night I heard the scream.

“ Dean!!! NO!!!!!”

I opened my eyes in shock immediately to see her up. Breathing heavily. He face a mask of pain and fear. I don’t move. She didn’t see me waking up. And though it burns me inside to see her like that I let her deal with it herself for a second time. This time she started crying. She burried her face in her hands and started sobbing silently. That was it. Screw it. I’m awake and I’m about to get up and hold her in my arms. But before I could move she threw the covers off again leaving the room without looking at me. It took her about half an hour to come back. Once she did I kept pretending I was asleep but I was more alert than ever. She lied on the bed again and once more she lifted my hand so that I would hug her. Only this time I didn’t let her finish I just moved and hugged her. Again “ in my sleep”. She was exhausted and she fell asleep again almost immediately. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was too worried.

She got up really early and made breakfast. I got up too and helped her. She acted like nothing happened again. But I can see that she is worried. Nervous... I’m not even sure how she feels anymore. And I don’t like the fact that she has no intention to tell me.

After breakfast I searched for a case on my computer and she insisted on going grocery shopping. I heard the door when she came back. Just as I found a case.

“ Anything?” She asked me. I lifted my head to look at her as she was going down the stairs with the bags on her hands. She gave me a quick look smiling.

“ Actually, yeah...” I answered returning to my computer.

“ Ok... I’ll be right back...” she said as she was stuggling to get the bags in the kitchen. She wasn’t back for about half an hour so I just assumed she put everything in place before. She was very silent I didn’t even notice her coming in. She just run her hands on my chest and rested her chin on my head. At first I was startled but then I just closed my eyes to enjoy her hands on me. And that was the moment I realised it’s been a long time since the last time she touched me like that. I took a deep breath and relaxed under her hands.

“ Is it far?” she asked. She was talking about the case and I opened my eyes with her question bringing me back to reality.

“ It’s not close...” I replied and I felt that gentle pressure of her chin on my head leaving. And then I saw her from my side moving to sit next to my computer. Once she sat on the table she lowered her head playing with her fingers. It wasn’t a sweet think or anything playfull. She was taking slow and big breaths and her expression was nervous. I was looking at her trying to understand when she lifted her head and looked at me. Her expression very serious.

“ Can we skip this one?” She asked and it wasn’t really a question. I was surprised and for a moment. I didn’t know what to say so I just opened my mouth and closed it again.

“ You don’t wanna go?” I asked finally confused.

“ Can’t we call someone else?” She asked me and this time her expression was more like begging. Well, it’s obvious she doesn’t wanna go. But I don’t mind.

“ It’s ok... I’ll go on my own...” I tell her casually but she spoke again.

“ Can’t we call someone else...?” She repeated the question. And this time I instictively asked her.

“ Why?” I sounded really confused.And truth is I was. But she attacked me before I could give it more thought.

“ Why do you want to go so much?” She said angrily and I was surprised by her tone.

“ Why don’t you want to go?” I ask and my tone was raised a bit.

“ Can’t you just do it because I’m asking you? Can’t you just do it for me?” She yelled again and this time she seemed really pissed off. Her eyes wide open and locked on mine. Her hands fists. But her tone was driving me mad too.

“ WHY???” I yelled back. Meaning why she was asking me to stay in the first place. I thought I would take some answers but instead she lowered her head pissed as hell and as she was getting up from the table she spoke again but this time her tone was low and angry.

“ You know what... go... Since you’re so eager to leave me alone... Just go...” She said walking past me. Leave her alone? That’s when it finally hit me. She didn’t want to tell me what was wrong but she did want me here. She didn’t want me to leave her alone. And of course she wouldn’t admit that because if she did she would have to admit she is not well. And that’s exactly why she doesn’t want to go to a hunt herself. I get off my chair and I turn around and I watch her leave.

“ (Y/N)...” I yell her name but she walks out of the room without even bothering to look at me. I sit back on my chair angry with myself I didn’t understand what she was asking before. I decide to give her some time to cool off before I tell her I won’t go on the hunt. Of course I wouldn’t go. If she needs me here I’ll be here.

So I went in the kitchen for lunch and I found her there. I tried to talk to her but she was too mad at me. She was giving me the silent treatment. So I decided to let more time pass hoping she will cool off eventually. But no matter how hard I tried she kept her silence up the whole time. And if I was trying to hard to talk to her she was just leaving the room.

This time she went to bed before me. I rushed to follow her before she falls asleep. Maybe she would talk to me now. I opened the door and I saw her lying on her side. She was pretending to be asleep but I knew she was awake because of her breathing rate. So I just changed my clothes and went under the covers. And I just looked at her back. She seemed so small and fragile. I smiled to myself and I decide to give it one last try. I always hold her when we sleep and maybe she is ready to talk to me now. I strech my hand and I brush her shoulder softly. And then as I expect her to turn around she just shook my hand off. For a moment I was just staring at her back surprised. And then I felt pissed as hell and hurt. She never did this before. And damn what I did is not that bad. Can’t she at least listen to me? I gave her back an angry look and I lie on my side too. If she doesn’t want to talk to me I won’t talk to her. And maybe I should go on that hunt after all. I begin to fall asleep angry and hurt as hell...

I woke up in the middle of the night to a familiar sound. The sound of her nightmares.

“ Dean.... DEA... no...” I hear her mumbling loudly. This time I just turn around to see her still asleep. Suffering. Cold sweat on her forehead.

“ Hey...” I shake her gently to wake her up. She woke up in an instant.

“ NOOOO...” She screamed as her eyes went wide open snd she got up with a sudden move breathing heavily. I run my arm around her as I think I would never leave her like that. No matter how pissed I am. But she pushed my hand away trying to control her breaths. I assume she is still upset and not mad at me so I just start talking to her.

“ It’s ok... It’s ok... It’s over...” I said as she slowly brought her hands to her mouth and then back down. She was just staring at the wall. I wasn’t even sure she could hear me but I kept going. “ It’s ok... It was just a dream...” I say and suddenly she stopped every movement and just stared at the emptiness.

“ No it was not...” She said in a low and shaking voice as a thick teardrop was leaving her eye. I looked at her confused at first but I didn’t have time to think about it any longer. She left bed and without looking at me she walked out of the room. I checked the clock. We would wake up in half an hour anyway. So I get up to find her assuming she was in the kitchen to drink some water. But she wasn’t in the kitchen, or the library or even Dean’s room. So I just assume she wanted to be alone. I thought she might have left but she didn’t go back to our room to get dressed or anything. So I just grab a cup of coffee and move to the library to drink it thinking of what should I tell her. How can I comfort her. But I’m stuck. How can I ever comfort her if I don’t know what’s wrong? But I can’t wait for her to tell me anymore. I have to talk to her and see what’s wrong...

But as I make those thoughts she walked in carrying...my bag!? I get up looking at her confused. Her expression reveals nothing. I can’t understand if she is angry or just determined to do something I have no idea what it is. She is just carrying my bag with her jaw clenched. She got close to me and left the bag on the table exhaling loudly cause the bag was too heavy for her. I still look at her confused when she just raises her head and looks at me with the same determined look.

“ You be carefull...” She said with a steady voice and before I had the chance to react she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me in for a kiss. She pressed her lips against mine firmly. A passionate kiss she hasn’t given me in a long time. Though confused by the whole situation I brush her back gently. And before I know it the kiss was over and she just stepped away from me tapping my chest twice before turning around to leave with the same determined look she came in. I was too stunned to stop her. For one I wasn’t sure what just happened. Was she still mad at me? Was she challenging me to see if I would listen to her and stay back? After all I didn’t manage to tell her I’m not going. But again. Why would she kiss me like that? I shake my head to snap out of it. I look at the bag and before I know it I’m walking back to our room where I assume I will find her. And I’m about to walk in when I heard her. I heard her cry. She wasn’t holding back. I could hear her short breaths. I felt a sharp pain spreading in my chest. I place my hand on the handle and I don’t knock. I just walk in. She was sitting on the bed hugging her legs with her face burried in her knees. When I walked in she raised her head surprised. Her eyes were red and slightly swollen. Glistening with tears. Her cheeks covered with dry tears as she was trying to hold back the fresh ones. Her nose was red too. As well as her upper lip that was slightly swollen. She was a mess and somehow she never looked more beautiful to me. A painful beauty that stabbed every inch of my body. She swallowed hard and tried to wipe off the tears. I walked close to her with slow moves and I sat on the bottom of the bed next to her curled up feet. She just looked away trying to hide the tears...

**Your point of view**

You just turned your head to avoid his glance. He was looking at you with that pained look on his face and you couldn’t help but travel back to the previous night when he tried to hold you and you shook his hand off hurting him and hurting you too. The thought brought fresh tears in your eyes that you were trying to control so hard. The effort made you swallow hard and you knew Sam noticed. You were still not looking at him cause you knew that if you looked at those eyes you would break.

“ Will you tell me what’s wrong?” He asked turning his head away from you but you still didn’t dare to look. His voice low and slightly gruff. You wouldn’t blame him if he was mad at you. You were being a bitch lately. Your jaw trembled as it was getting harder for you to control your tears. Finally you opened your mouth and spoke.

“ I’m fine...” You said and just as your voice trembled you knew how big that lie was. And Sam knew it too. He took a deep breath without looking at you and talked again.

“ No...You’re not...” He said with his low voice that made you crave a hug right now more than anything. You were till trying to control your tears when he finally looked at you and continued... “ You’re mad at me for no good reason... You don’t wanna hunt... How’s that fine?...” He said and then he took a deep breath before going on. “ And you have nightmares about Dean for days...” He said and your heart gave you a painfull beat as you weren’t able to keep those teardrops inside your eyes and you just let them roll. He was just watching you cry. You could see he was hoping you’d tell him what was wrong but so far you were just crying. He took a deep breath and looked away disappointed. You finally turned your head and looked at him. You took a deep breath and you gasped as he was turning his head to look at you and you were deciding to tell him everything.

“ It’s not about Dean...” You said in a trembling voice that was barely coming out of your mouth without choking you. You sniffed a few times as you saw Sam’s confused eyes looking at you. “ It’s about you...” You continued and you gasped again as more tears flooded your eyes. Sam was looking at you trying to understand but you knew from the begginning that that required further explanation. You made the first step. Then you just sat on the bed in a squatting position being closer to Sam and you started talking with a trembling voice. Sam turned to look at you not really understanding yet but in pain... Because you were in pain. “ Every time... I relive Dean’s death in my sleep... “ You took a deep shaking breath as tears were constantly rolling down your cheeks. Sam’s eyes were locked on yours. “ But Dean is gone... It’s done... It’s over... “ You swallowed hard and continued as more tears found their way to your chin. “ I’ve already lost Dean... there is nothing to scare me there... But every time I see him die again... I’m scared that one day **you** ’ll be in his place...” You stopped as your voice tailed down to a wisper. Sam was looking at you and then you felt his hand gently brushing your shoulder not sure how to react. Not sure if he should hold you now or let you continue. But his touch gave you the strength to look him in the eyes and go on. “ Since Dean was gone... You’re all I have.... And I love you SO much...” You said closing your eyes as your voice trembled and two thick teardrops left your eyes. You opened them suddenly and continued with a voice that was losing control in every word... “ I just can’t go through this again... I can’t lose you... I lost the man I loved once... I can’t do this again...” You started sobbing and you felt everything inside you collapse. You weren’t trying to hold back your tears anymore. You weren’t trying to contain your sobs. You were letting it all out blubbering between tears. “ I just can’t lose you... I don’t wanna lose you... And when Jody called... I didn’t get just scared.... I got TERRIFIED...” Sam brought his hands to your face, cupping your cheeks. His face close to you. You were feeling his breath. You couldn’t see him. Your vision was so blurry. “ Cause you were lucky this time... But you won’t always be lucky....” You took a deep shaking breath again and bursted into tears... “ I can’t lose you... I just can’t...”

And Sam as he was holding your face close to him he gently tried to wipe the tears off and he finally spoke. “ Hey, hey, hey... Look at me...” He said with his soft voice and you blinked a couple of times to clear your eyes. A few tears left your eyes in the process and fell on Sam’s hands. You saw his face. That beautiful face. And you felt like something was tearing your heart in two. He was looking at you with a hesitant smile. A comforting smile. The “ I’m here” smile. And your heart broke because you knew what he’d say next so you spoke before he could.

“ Don’t... Don’t say it... Don’t tell me I won’t lose you cause this is a promise you can’t make...” You said and he looked at you with that pained expression you knew all too well and he pulled your face to his chest. You burried yourself in it and his hands left your face to get wrapped around you and hold you tight. You kept crying holding his shirt with a tight and trembling fist. He gently turned himself around still holding you so that he could lie back on the back of the bed dragging you with him. He was just holding you letting you cry. Every now and then kissing your forehead to comfort you. Once you felt a little bit in control you spoke again. “ And I’m sorry... I’m sorry for acting like a bitch lately... And I’m sorry I tried to stop you from going on the hunt becase I got scared... I can’t let my fears interfere with our jobs... This is what we do... What we have always done... This is who we are... This is our life... And death is part of it... I can’t let my fears get in the way...” You said but you didn’t stop crying...

**Sam’s point of view**

“ Yeah...” I answer. But I’m lost in my thoughts. I hold her tight and I kiss her forehead to comfort her but I know she is right. I would tell her she won’t lose me because I can’t see her crying like this. But she is right. This is a promise I can’t make. Because I can’t keep it. The harsh truth is hitting me. It’s not like I didn’t know. But everything she said, every tear she shed...makes me realise it. It’s only a matter of time before one of us is gone. And yes it might be me. But it might be her too. And I can’t stand neither of these cases. I can’t think of her devastated because of my death. I kiss her forehead again brushing her hair. And I can’t stand losing her. I already lost too many people. And my brother. This time for good. And I did feel lost... And she is all I have too... And if I lose her... I have to live without her... But what life would that be?... Miserable... Full of guilt and pain... And I don’t want this... I don’t want to live without her. Cause I love her too much...And I think about it again... I tried multiple times in the past... Maybe it’s time we give it another try... Maybe we should... That thought was always in my mind... But it’s been a long time since I allowed it to be a realistic possibility... And all I can think about is maybe... Maybe it’s time...This is the best case scenario... No one can guarantee that we’ll make it... But this way we’re both safe...And maybe even happy... Really happy.... But I know that she won’t like the idea... _“ This is our life...”_ she said... I take a big breath as I brudh her hair. I kiss her forehead again and I think of ways to tell her that maybe she’s wrong...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry it took me so long to post but these last weeks went from bad to worse for me... Thanks for being patient!


	19. Maybe...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Should you leave the life or not?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this chapter I liked this song:  
> Oasis - Wonderwall

**Your point of view**

Sam just held you tight till you fell asleep in his arms. He wiped the tears off your face with his thumbs. So gently, making you turn your head and burry it in his chest hiding yourself from the reat of the world. His breaths and his heartbeat relaxing you, taking you to a deep sleep... When you woke up he was still there holding you. He smiled to you and kissed your lips lightly and you both got up to make dinner...

That night you had sex after what felt like a really long time. And it was amazing. All the emotions you were sharing got you overwhelmed. The way his every move was telling you that he loved you. The way you were saying the same with just a touch of your hand. The conection your body’s and your hearts were sharing at this time was hard to explain. And even after he collapsed in your arms, he lied on the bed and held you in his arms like he did every time. Feeling his warm body on yours. Making you feel safe. There is no one you trusted more in the whole world. And there was no place you’d feel more comfortable. His arms wrapped tight around you. Every now and then kissing your forehead with a tender kiss and then he’d brush your hair lightly watching you drift off. Those moments you couldn’t love him more.He placed his chin on your head and he fell asleep too still holding you tight.

That night was a silent agreement of some time off. Just some time with each other without the constant fear of losing one another. A couple of days to seperate you both from the rest of the world. Not worrying about anything and anyone. Just enjoying each other. And it made you feel a lot better. You actually managed to relax after a long time. You spend those few days sleeping in or going out for a walk. Or a movie... When it was the last time you watched a movie in a theatre instead of your TV or computer? And when you went back to searching for cases and your time off was over you did feel like the black cloud of fear was back on your head but you were certainly more relaxed and you felt like you had the strength to deal with it again. Sam seemed a little distracted, though. You were concerned at first. He seemed lost in his thoughts. But you didn’t give it much thought. You assumed his black cloud was back as well. So you were giving him a kiss out of the blue once in a while to make him feel better as the smile he was giving you back made you feel better. And just like that you were back on your daily routine. Which included hours of searching for cases. The first days nothing popped up. Nothing for you anyway. Other hunters were on the cases you found. But it was a matter of time till you found something. And you did, one morning when Sam went for a beer run.

You smiled to the screen when you heard the door open. You raised your head and saw Sam walking down the stairs holding the beer in his hands.

“ Hey” You greeted him with a smile.

“ Hey...” He replied smiling back. He went down the stairs and moved close to you and gave you a small kiss on the mouth. “Anything new?” He asked as he was leaving the beers on the table.

“ Actually yeah...” You lifted your head to look at Sam. “ I cought us a case...” You said with a small dose of excitement. Sam paused for a second as he was getting the beer out of the bag. After a few seconds he turned to look at you briefly.

“ Oh yeah?” He said but the expression on his face didn’t much the fake excitement in his voice. You decided to ignore those signs. You knew why he was acting like that and he really had no reason to. You had an outburst that was all.

“ Yeah...” You replied turning the screen of your laptop to face him. He sat on the table and took a look at the screen. “ It’s a pretty easy one... It’s gonna take us two days the most...” You said and got up. Sam gave you a quick look before returning his eyes to the screen. “ I’m gonna get packed...” You announced and turned around to leave. You have taken only a few steps when you heard Sam’s voice behind you.

“ Are you sure you want to go?” His voice was serious and it sounded a little gruff too. You turned around to look at him. He was still sitting on the table but he was looking at you straight in the eyes. His expression serious. You took a deep breath and answered him. Your expression as serious as his.

“ Yes...” You said and added. “ This is our life...” Your voice sounded a little gruff too. You were hoping he got your point. You turned around and left the room as Sam replied.

“ Yeah...” But you could hear it in his voice that he wasn’t convinced. You dismissed the thought and went straight to your room to start packing.

You packed everything and you expected Sam to enter the room anytime and pack his stuff too. But he didn’t and you assumed he’d do it later. So after you were done you took your bag and entered the library. You left the bag on the table as Sam walked in with a cup of coffee in his hands.

“ Hey...” You greeted him. “ I’m ready. I just wanna take a couple of books...” You smiled to him and started searching the selves for the books you wanted. Sam moved close to the table and sat on it. He was very serious. More than usual. Like something was on his mind. You kept searching and you spoke to him. “ Aren’t you gonna pack?” You asked casually. You heard Sam taking a deep breath behind you and you turned around holding one of the books you were looking for. He looked at you and he spoke.

“ I don’t think we should go...” He said and his voice was low and slightly gruff. That alarmed you but you looked at him smiling walking towards the table.

“On the hunt? Why? It’s a pretty easy one...” You replied leaving the book on the table and ready to return to the selves to search for the second one.

“ Someone else can take care of it...” He said. And it wasn’t a question. He stated it as a fact. You turned your head to look at him.

“ Sure if we had another case to deal with... Do you have something in mind?” You asked him jumping a little to catch the book you wanted. But of course you knew he had nothing in mind because you found no other case. Did Cas call? And then you thought worse: _Damn! Was it Crowley?._ You turned around and Sam took another deep breath before talking.

“ I don’t think we should go on that hunt... Or any other hunt...” He said. His voice the same and his eyes locked on yours. For a moment you froze and looked at him confused. So it wasn’t Cas. Or Crowley. Which leaves you with the most obvious question What’s going on? With significantly slower moves you moved the second book to the table still looking at Sam. Finally you smiled and answered.

“ Sam I enjoyed our time off too. But we have to go back to work. This is what we do...” You said trying to sound casual. But the truth was you already knew this was not the problem. You could see it in Sam’s face. You could hear it in his voice. And now he gave you the confirmation you were scared of.

“ Maybe... It doesn’t have to be...” He said in the same low and serious tone. You froze again and your jaw dropped a little. You made a confused grimace.

“ Come again...” You said shaking your head and staring back at Sam again. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing.

“ You said this is what we do...This is our life... And I’m saying...” He took a deep breath and continued. “Maybe it doesn’t have to be...” He answered you with a sready voice. His expression firm. Your mouth and eyes opened in shock and for a few seconds you were just staring at him like that. Your heart beating faster. You were feeling so upset. Was he saying what you thought he was? Well judging from the way he was saying it ...This was the case... Sam wanted out? He wanted out of this life? Hunting? Where did that come from? How? This is your life!!! What the hell is he talking about? You shook your head and you locked your eyes on Sam again. You opened your mouth more trying to speak but you didn’t know what to say and closed it again. Sam was watching you process. He didn’t seem concerned or scared at all. Which can only mean he was expecting this reaction from you. Which means this wasn’t an impulse. He’s been thinking about it a while now. Is that why he was lost in his thoughts? You swallowed hard and finally managed to speak.

“ Are you saying...” You chuckled in disbelief. “ Are you saying we quit?” You asked with your eyes wide open. Your heart still beating fast waiting for his answer.

“ Retire...” He corected you. Your jaw dropped once more. You had one last hope that this was not what he was saying but he just confirmed it. You felt like you lost the world around you for a second as the news started to sink in. You felt a little dizzy snd took a few steps back in shock before balancing again. You started pacing and you felt your heartbeat rising even more and your blood boiling. Retire? RETIRE? This was your life! The only life you actually knew and he just wanted to RETIRE? You stopped pacing and turned to face him. You were opening your mouth and closing it again unable to find the right words to express your thoughts. Sam didn’t wait to long. He got off the table and spoke again. “ Just think about it for a second! You never imagined how it would be to leave the life?” He said looking at you with the same serious expression. But he had hope in his eyes he would make you understand.

“ Sure! In a DREAM WORLD!...” You said raising your voice. You noticed your hands trembling a little. “ But this is not a dream world...” You continued with your voice significantly raised and you weren’t sure if that was because of shock or anger or maybe both... “ This is real life! OUR LIFE! This is what we do since...forever!”

“ Exactly!” Sam said raising his voice too trying to get through to you. “ Saving people, hunting things... And we hunted too many things. And we didn’t save just a few people! We saved the WORLD! In a number of occasions! And in this life we lost too many friends... We lost Dean!!! Isn’t it enough? Haven’t we done enough already?” He said to you. His tone still raised and his eyes wide open just like his hands as he was trying to make you see what he was seeing. You shook your head chuckling in disbelief. You raised your hand and run it through your face atill shocked by the whole conversation. Which ended up in you saying the first thing that came to mind.

“ Yeah! Cause the last few times you said “enough with this life” worked so well for you...” You said sarcastically. Though your voice was calmer your tone was bitter. Sam closed his eyes and shook his head starting to lose his patiense. He paused for a couple of seconds. He looked at you again and spoke.

“ It wasn’t the same. The first time I was young and even if I wanted to get out eventually I would get draged in again no matter what I did! Remember the apocalypse?” He said sarcastically too. “And I did get dragged in!” He looked at you upset too. “ And the second time... With Amelia...” _Way to go Sam!_ You thought! The last thing you needed was a touch of jealousy! “ Dean was goneou took off and and I was lost! And then... When he came back... But Dean is gone now. And he’s not coming back! Maybe it’s time...”

“ MAYBE IT’S TIME?” You interrupted him yelling again. He let his hands drop disappointed and and look around for a second before staring back at you again. “ Oh! Come on,Sam! Why don’t you just admit it! Watching me having an outburst scared you and you’re trying to keep us both from hunting!!! Isn’t that what this is about?” You shouted. You were feeling angry with him. Not sure why. Maybe because what he was suggesting seemed absurd! And you were upset by the very idea of it.

“ Yeah! YEAH! I GOT SCARED! Because I saw you crying your eyes out! And as much as I’d like to! I CAN’T PROMISE YOU I WON’T DIE!” He yelled back at you. “AND THE WORST IS YOU CAN’T PROMISE ME I WON’T LOSE YOU EITHER!” He concluded and you yelled again.

“ FOR GOD’S SHAKE SAM! IT WAS JUST AN OUTBURST! I CAN CONTROL MY FEARS!!!” You screamed at him again.

“ AND WHAT ABOUT ME?...” He screamed back at you. He run his hand through his face and then he let it drop staring at you. He spoke again and this time his voice was significantly lower. “ You think... You think I can go through this again?” He said and you noticed a small tremble in his voice as his eyes were getting wet.   “ I watched my friens die! I wantched my brother die! The one person that was closer to me... You think...You think I can watch you die too?” He said and two teardrops left his eyes before he spoke again. “ You think I’ll ever get over it?... You think I can go on after that?” He concluded. You were looking at him like a statue. But inside you were feeling like you were being stabbed. With every word he said. And every tear he shed. You felt your throat closing and you swallowed hard before speaking.

“ You’ll have to...” You said in a low voice too. And truth is you didn’t really think about what you said before saying it. Because if you did you’d have realised what a cruel answer it was before letting the words out.Sam bit his lower lip and lowered his head. He raised it again and looked back at you.

“ Right...You don’t care...” He said and looked away for a few seconds before talking to you again rasing his voice.“ You and Dean... NEVER GIVING A DAMN ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS!!!!... As long as **YOU** are not the one’s getting hurt” He yelled pointing at you! He said and every word coming out of his mouth was getting you more enraged. Cause he couldn’t be more wrong. You were angry with him and hurt. And of course still upset. You found yourself in a state that you didn’t know how to react! You turned around and left the room almost running to avoid saying something you’d regret...

You walked into your shared room and sat on the bed. Slowly you started feeling your anger leaving you. You knew Sam didn’t mean a word he said but he shouldn’t have said it anyway. Maybe that’s why you were mad at him. He crossed the line. Or maybe because he didn’t talk only about you but about Dean too. You knew he didn’t believe it. He loved his brother very much. And despite saying those things you knew that he knew better than that. But anger got the best of him. And to be fair anger got the best of you too. You didn’t mean what you said either. You felt the last few moments burdening you inside.You took a deep breath. Sam’s words made you realy mad but also reminded you of Dean. You felt nostalgic. The good times you three had together. You closed your eyes for a few seconds and opened them again.An image flashed through your eyes...A memory... You were fighting with Sam about two movies again and you were really loud and Dean was like “They both suck! So shut the hell up and let me sleep...”... You smiled to the memory. Somehow all the anger about Sam was gone now. Drowned in the nostalgic memories of him and Dean. Instinctively you looked at your drawer. You moved your hand slowly and opened it. You reached inside and grabbed a couple of photos. You looked at the first one. You, Sam and Dean... All together... You didn’t remember who took that photo. You tried harder. Was it Bobby?... You thought so...You still couldn’t quite remember... It was a nice one. You were all smiling... You run your finger on Dean’s face smiling. And then on Sam’s feeling troubled but still smiling when you heard his voice from the door.

“ Can I come in?” He asked and his voice was low and gruff. You turned to look at him. He was sitting at the door with those sweet eyes of his and you could tell he was feeling sorry by his not so determined moves.

“ Yeah...” You said and returned your eyes to the photos in your hands. He could hear in your voice you weren’t angry anymore. Sam crossed the distance and sat next to you as lightly as possible. He saw the photo in your hands. You removed your fingers so he could see it clearly. He reached with his fingers the photo just wanting to touch it but you released it so he could take it in his hands. And he did. He looked at it without blocking it for you. You looked at him. He seemed lost in his thoughts running his fingers on the photo. First his then yours and finally he stopped on his brother’s face. He raised his head and looked in front of him before speaking.

“ I’m sorry... for what I said...” He said and his voice sounded again gruff and low. He turned his head to look at you and you could see in his face how trully sorry he was. Not just about you, but about Dean as well. For a few seconds you were just looking at him and then you spoke.

“ I know...” You said in a calm tone and you turned in front of you again. You took a deep breath and continued. “ I do care Sam... A lot...”

“ I know...” He interupted you to reassure you that he didn’t mean what he said and that he knew you cared all too well. And he would go on about this but you interrupted him too.

“ Do you mind hearing it?” You asked smiling. And with that small joke you both felt less burdened.

“ No...” Sam chuckled and you continued.

“ I care for you so much... And I can’t stand the thought of you being hurt... But leaving the life...” You said and looked at him with your mouth still open trying to find the right words to explain how unsettling that was for you. But Sam spoke before you could.

“ I’m not saying we have to decide right now...All I’m saying is... think about it...” He said. And with those words you felt a little relaxed. You didn’t have to say anything just yet. And you really did need time. You took a deep breath having made your decision. You ran your hand under Sam’s and pressed your palm against his. You rested your head on his shoulder as he was caressing your fingers with his.

“ I’ll think about it...” You said and before you could speek the words Sam kissed your head making you close your eyes sighing as this moment felt so intimate. He left your fingers and moved his hand to wrapp it around you and bringing the other one around you too. You opened yours and hugged his back burring your face in his chest with your eyes closed. You were moving your hands softly on his back as he was moving his on yours...

“ I love you...” He said as if you wanted to know that. Like somehow he made you doubt. But you did know and of course...

“ I love you too...”...

Just like you promise Sam, you did think about this. A lot... Sam didn’t mention it again. He actually acted like this conversation never took place besides the fact that he indeed called somebody else to take on the case. After you agreed to it of course. You knew he was doing it because he didn’t want to put any more pressure on you. He understood how difficult it was for you to even consider this. Not that it was easy for him. Of course it wasn’t and you knew that. But he had made his decision. He really was feeling that it was time and maybe even the best. And you really did started considering this. Still your head was screaming that this was a bad idea but there were times when you cought yourself just thinking how it would be... Images flashing in front of your eyes of you and Sam being happy... Genuinely happy without fear of dying or losing each other. Not to supernatural causes anyway. Simple things like taking breakfast together without thinking what’s in your kill list for the day. And those times you could really feel how happy this kind of life would make you. How much you wanted it. Of course you did. Everyone does. The question and the problem is: Is it a realistic want? Or are you both fooling yourselves that it could work?

And as you were still trying to make up your mind about this, Cas decided to visit. You were really happy to see him. It was a nice break from your every day life that lately was making you really stressful although Sam was trying for the opposite. It wasn’t about him. It was about you not being able to decide. But Cas’ visit made you feel more relaxed. You both missed him very much. It’s been a while since you last saw him. You took your time to catch up. Turned out Cas had many things to do in heaven. Not sure what that meant for him or the angels but for the time being it made him happy and that was all you cared about. You were both excited to have him there for as long as he wanted though he told you from the first moment it wouldn’t be too long. He was very busy. The second day Cas was staying with you you woke up a little late. You opened your eyes to find out it was 9:00 AM. You turned to look at Sam but he wasn’t there. The sheets were cold. He probably got up long before you woke up. You didn’t feel him leaving. You closed your eyes and streched. Then you found the courage to open them again and get up. You were still feeling sleepy. You got dressed with slow moves and made your way to the library where you saw Cas reading a book as you were walking in.

“ What’s up, Cas?” You asked noticing the book he was reading was one of your favorites.

“ The ceiling...” He answered casually without lifting his head from the book. You tried to contain the smile that was forming on your lips at his answer.

“ Right...” You said to him as you got close. You didn’t get to sit cause you saw Sam entering the room holding a cup of coffee in his hands.

“ Hey...” He said getting close. He leaned for a soft kiss and passed you the coffee. “ Here’s your coffee...” Immediately you felt a lot better feeling the warm cup in your hands.

“ Morning...Thanks” You said in a sleepy voice offering him a smile he returned. And it was one of those moments you were feeling just how much you loved him.

“ We’re running out of some stuff so I’m gonna make a run...” He said searching for his car keys on the table next to you. “ See you when I get back...” He said again when he found his keys. You nodded with a smile. “ Bye...” He said kissing your lips once more.

“ Bye...” You answered once he broke the kiss.

“ Bye, Cas...” He said and went up the stairs to leave.

“ Bye...” Cas said raising his head briefly to look at Sam and then he got lost in his book again. Or at least so you thought cause when he turned the page he raised his head and looked at you with those sweet eyes of his, full of care... “ ( Y/N), What’s wrong?” He asked concerned. You were surprised by the question and it took you a few moments to answer.

“ Everything’s fine, Cas...” You said to him realising he obviously noticed how distracted you were the last few days.

“ No, It’s not...” He said calmly with that sweet look that was telling you that he knew you were lying but he was only trying to help. And you couldn’t help but think that Cas was one of your best friends. If there was one person you could really talk to was Cas. Maybe he didn’t always know how to help but he was always there to listen. You looked at him for a few seconds and then took a deep breath exhaling loudly.

“ Ok...” You said sitting down opposite from him. You run your hands through your face to clear your mind and looked at his concerned eyes again. You thought about it for a couple of seconds and you spoke.

“ Sam wants us to give up hunting...” You saw Cas taking a confused expression. He kept looking at you for a while and you didn’t speak again to give him time to process. He looked away from you for a while raising his eyebrows in mild shock at the realisation of what you just said. For a few moments he got lost in his thoughts trying to understand what that meant for you and Sam. The consequenses you were so scared of.

“ Wow” He said at some point. He was almost as shocked as you were when you heard it and you couldn’t blame him. “ I can’t say I didn’t expect this to happen someday...” He said and now you were the one shocked.

“ You did?” You asked surprised.

“ Yeah! I mean I remember you and Sam and Dean when talking about being happy always having yourselves lliving your lives without hunting...” He said. It made sense. Indeed every time you were atlking about bring happy your daydreams never included hunting. After a few moments of silence he took a deep breath and spoke to you again.

“ But what’s the problem... I thought you did want to get out hunting...” He said. It wasn’t exactly a question nor an assumption. He was trying to adress the problem. So he could find a way to help.

“ I do, Cas...” You said in a worried voice and his eyes were locked on yours. “ Every hunter does! It’s what we want. Leave the life. Live without danger. Never have to lose someone again. But here’s the thing. This is a dream. I can hardly think of a case that this actually worked... What are the chances this ends well?” You said. Cas looked at you troubled but the news started sinking in.

“ I understand...” He said finally lost in his thoughts. He kept quiet after that and you started thinking the converstion was over. What? That was it? _I understand_? Well, you couldn’t blame him. You didn’t know how to help yourself. You shouldn’t be expecting Cas to find a solution. But he spoke again. “ But this...is something both you and Sam want... It’s what it would make you happy...” He said looking at you. You looked back at him realising how much you wanted to hear his comforting words. “ No one can guarantee you this will work... But you and Sam...deserve to be happy...” He smiled to you. That kind smile. Like he was talking to a friend that lost their way. You couldn’t help but smile back. “ Maybe you should try...” He concluded still smiling at you. You smiled to him once more and got up. That was his advice. You should try. You weren’t sure yet if you agreed of not but it didn’t really matter. You stood there for a while lost in your thoughts when you finally said.

“ Thanks, Cas...” He kept on smiling at you with that sweet smile of his and you smiled back thinking you were really lucky to have such good friends.

You didn’t speak about it again. Cas stayed with you for a couple of days and then left promising to visit again soon. During those days you certainly were more relaxed. Talking with Cas made you see that you should think things through in a simpler way. And of course it made you realise that there will always be problems. There are problems in every little think you try wether you lead a normal life or a hunting one. What makes the difference is how you deal with those problems. And do you let them keep you from living? From being happy? Those were the basic thoughts you had those last couple of days. But of course you couldn’t ignore the fact that there were some serious issues with you and Sam leaving the life. And the best way to deal with those was to talk about them. So after days without talking about this you entered the kitchen with every intention to do just that. Talk about it.

Sam was washing the dishes. When he heard you come in he turned his head to greet you.

“ Hey...” He said smiling at you before turning in front of him again to wash the last dish.

“ Hey...” You replied smiling hesitantly. You looked at him for a few seconds and then you started moving closer with slow steps. When you got a little closer you stared at Sam’s back. You were trying to pick up the courage and ask what you had in mind. Because you knew that asking meant you had already made your decision. Finally you took a deep breath and spoke as Sam was drying his hands.

“ How can we stay out of this life when there are so many people...or things if you like, that want to kill us...” You said and stood still but nervous waiting for Sam’s response. He was surprised and for a moment he stood still too with his back turned to you. Then he finally turned around and his expression turned from the happy one he had a minute ago to a serious one. “ I mean...” You said and swallowed hard before continuing. “ There were always be someone who wants us dead... And probably taking the personal pleasure of killing us...” You said offering him a concerned look. Sam’s mouth was slightly open in a little bit of a shock. You just started talking about getting out of this life out of the blue. His eyes were trying to read your expression. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat. He looked down briefly before looking back at you with a determined expression.

“ What I’m saying is...” He paused a little trying to find the right words to express his thoughts. “ We stop running toward danger...If danger find us...” He said and looked in your eyes as you were waiting to hear his point. “ We’re both great hunters...” He said. “ We deal with it...” He concluded. That sounded good enough for you. Indeed you were both great hunters. At least you were being realistic about this whole thing. You would never be able to get away from the life completely but you could at least stop asking for trouble.Giving yourself time and space to lead somewhat of a normal life. Find normal jobs and... That’s when another thing hit you. But somewhere deep inside you always knew it would come to this. So you lowered your head and took a deep breath before looking back at Sam.

“ And I guess will have to move...” You took another deep breath exhaling loudly. “ I mean this place is inextricably connected to hunting and monsters... If we want to get out of this life... we’ll have to move out...” You concluded turning your head to look at Sam with a sad expression in your eyes cause you knew just how much you’d miss this place.

“ Yeah...” He said moving his head like this was the only option and he didn’t really like it but he was ok with it. Of course he’d miss this place too. This was your home for years. After a few seconds of silense he spoke again. “ Cas can take care of this place... I mean, It’s practically his home too...” He said and you nodded. You spend about a minute in silence after that both of you lost in your thoughts. The scary and the exciting possibilities of retiring. You heard Cas’ voice in your head again _“ You and Sam deserve to be happy...”_. You took a deep breath and talked again.

“ We should start searching for a house then...” You turned to look at Sam.Your heart beat a little faster as those words were coming out of your mouth. You smiled at him to show him you made your decision.

“ Yeah... I guess we should...” He said looking back at you offering you the same hesitant smile. You stood in silence for a few seconds just looking into each other’s eyes thinking of the life ahead of you. After a while you bit your lip and chuckled. Sam chuckled back.

“ Maybe now that we’re retiring you can get a haircut too...” You said moving closer to him with a smirk on your face.

“ What? No!” Sam said caught out of guard. He smiled at you as you were close enough to hug him.

“ Just an inch?” You asked chuckling wrapping your arms around his waist.

“ Nope...” He answered closing you into a hug before turning his head to kiss your lips. You broke the kiss and smiled.

“ You don’t have to decide right now... Just think about it...” You said mimicking his voice grinning at him.

“ Yeah... right...” He said with a chuckle full of sarcasm before kissing you again. You broke the kiss and burried your face in his chest closing your eyes to enjoy the comfort you were feeling in his arms. You were doing it... You were out... And all you could think about was: _Maybe it will work this time..._ Sam kissed the top of your head and you sighed with content in his chest. _Maybe..._

But living a normal life wasn’t as simple as you thought it would be...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again really really sorry for the delay!!!


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That's it! You're out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter inspired by this song:  
> The Beatles - A Hard Day's Night

And so your decision was made. You were out. You didn’t expect that but once the decision was made you felt a lot calmer and actually positive to the whole thing. Maybe because this was the first time you actually allowed yourself to feel how much you wanted it. Sam was more scared than you were. He was trying not to show it thoug . But it felt so good to try for this new life together. And as that was settled you decided to share this with one of your best friends. Cas. When you told him you wanted him to take care of your home he was overjoyed although at first you kind of scared him. You both made him sit on a chair in the library explaining that you wanted to tell him something really important and of course you were very serious.You stood in front of him and started talking. He probably felt like he was interogated. You started saying stuff in general cause it was hard for you to tell him exactly what you decided. Yes, Cas was positive to the idea but he was your friend too. You knew he would miss you. And you’d miss him too. So you tried to be as smooth as possible but in the end you made him feel like something bad was going on. Cas was worried till you found the courage to tell him you were quiting hunting. No! Correction! Retiring! Sam still didn’t like the word quit but truth was it would take you a little bit of time to get used to it. After telling Cas what was going on he smiled to you and you smiled back to him as you both knew that he was the one helping you make this decision. And with an even bigger smile both you and Sam told him you wanted him to take care of your home. As it was his home too. And you also promised you would visit him. And you made clear to him that you wanted him to visit you too. You had to make this clear. Cas was an amazing friend willing to let you go and be happy even if that meant that he would miss you. And that could mean probably never seeing you again. Having an angel friend is not exactly normal and it was easy for him to assume that you wanted him to stay away. But you made clear to him that your decision had to do with leaving hunting not your friends. So when you asked him to take care of this place, Cas instead of an answer got up and hugged you both. You smiled to Sam and he smiled back to you as you both knew this was a yes. And you knew it wasn’t so much the fact that Cas would take care of this place that made him so happy. It was the fact that you trusted him and you wanted him to be the one to do it. After all it was your home for years...

But now you and Sam had to search for a new home. Sam found a house relatively easy and you both went to see it the same day. It was big and beautiful. Fully furnished so you wouldn’t have to carry too much. You both loved it. And it was too expensive. But you agreed this would be your last credit card scam. You deserved it after all you’ve been through. But credit card scams and normal life can’t coexist... So you bought the house but moving wasn’t that easy. You only had to transfer your personal items and clothes so practically it was easy. You only moved some of Dean’s things. His photos and the amulet. Things you couldn’t leave behind. But again that was the easy part. The hard part was leaving the place that was your home for years. The last night before leaving you both went to bed but you actually waited till morning awake. You couldn’t sleep. It was too hard. Memories were flashing in front of your eyes that made you smile but there was this strange pain in your heart because you had to leave. You spend the whole night tossing and turning. Finally you both relaxed in each other’s arms without falling asleep. So in the morning with the same pain in your heart you packed the last few things you wanted to take with you and put them in the impala. You decided it would be wise to take only two cars with you not to draw too much attention to yourselves. Two was fine. One for you and one for Sam. And of course you couldn’t leave Baby behind. Never. And when you were finally ready to leave you both stood on the door and looked behind. You looked inside one last time before closing the door. All those memories and feelings spread a sharp pain inside your chest. You, Sam and Dean were dancing in front of your eyes. All the things you’ve been through. You closed your eyes. You took a deep breath and hugged Sam opening them again looking inside. He swallowed hard. He’d miss this place as much as you would.He was feeling the same pain inside. You could see his eyes watering. You stayed like that for a few more seconds. Then Sam kissed your head and let his arms go stepping outside and you followed him. You closed the door and locked it. You felt your throat closing and you swallowed hard.You felt a tear leaving your eye as Cas appeared out of nowhere to take the key and keep it safe. You entered Baby and Sam entered his car as Cas disappeared again. You took a deep breath and wiped the tears on your cheeks. You smiled to yourself through the mirror and started driving.

You drove to your knew home about three hours away. You walked in and some of the pain you felt for leaving was replaced by the excitement you felt about being in your knew home. You spend a little bit of time relaxing on the couch before bringing stuff in from the car. After a while you both got up with the same excitement. You put everything in place. And of course you took the necessary precautions. Devil’s traps under the carpets and sigils behind paintings. Yes, danger could come looking for you but you wouldn’t make it easy. After you were done you had some time to go for a walk. You were very tired but you were also too excited to stay in. And you enjoyed your walk a lot. When you came back you both changed and went to bed. Your bed now was bigger than the one you had but you both settled in the center of it. You lied on Sam’s chest. He was brushing your back gently. He started falling asleep and you felt slowly drifting off as you were totally exhausted. But about an hour later you woke up and no matter how tired you were you couldn’t go back to sleep. It wasn’t easy. You needed to get used to this whole place. You were very extited indeed. But right now in the middle of the night you missed your bed. You missed your old home. Moving was not an easy thing to do. But since you couldn’t sleep you got up and moved to the kitchen to drink some water and maybe head to the living room to watch T.V. But when you sat on a chair in your kitchen you heard footsteps and turned around to see Sam walking towards the kitchen.

“ You couldn’t sleep either...” He told you and you could hear in his voice how tired he was. You didn’t even think of checking if Sam was awake. You just assumed he was sleeping. But the whole moving thing wasn’t easy for him either.

“ Apparently...” You chuckled and got up to face him leaving your glass on the table.

“ So what do we do know?...” He asked brushing the back of his head closing his eyes as he was still sleepy. You looked at him and gave him an excited grin. He looked in your eyes and he knew what you had in mind. He chuckled.

“ I’ll get the movie...” He said.

“ I’ll get the pop corn...” You replied with the same grin on your face. He turned around and head to the living room and you tried to find where you put the pop corn. Apparently buying some pop corn today on your way there was a good idea.

So you started watching one of the movies you’ve seen a few times but you really loved. But half way through the movie you were feeling your eye lids heavy. Sam was sitting next to you and at some point he fell asleep and lied on your shoulder. You could feel him breathing slowly. You kissed his head softly. You turned as carefully as you could so that he wouldn’t fall and placed his head on your neck raising your hand to brush his hair.

“ Sam...” You wispered in his ear. He opened his eyes slowly and lifted his head. You moved your hand slowly to his cheek as he did that. “ I think we should go to bed...” You wispered again as Sam was brushing his eyes to wake up a bit.

“ Yeah... I think it’s time...” He wispered too and leaned to kiss your lips softly. You returned your hand to the back of his neck brushing his hair again. You both got up and with slow moves you went to bed. You lied on Sam’s chest again and you both fell asleep almost immediately. This time you slept till morning. The nights that followed were easier as you were starting getting used to your new enviroment.

And of course you both needed to find a job. For Sam that turned out to be pretty easy. After a couple of days of searching he came across one of your knew neighbors. He had a problem with his computer and Sam offered to help. Once Sam was done the guy told him that they were asking for a guy like Sam at the police station. It would be something of a part-time job. Helping the officers with their computer issues. Sometimes computers got stuck. Or hackers were trying to break into police files. Probably kids trying to have fun. And of course some officers knowing less than the basics needed some help when it came to computers. Sam was no Charlie but he had picked up a few things from her and he was really good. So he actually got the job. At first he thought he wouldn’t have much to do but as it turned out many people needed help with their computers. Some of them also used Sam’s hacking skills on their on- going investigations. When that happened Sam sometimes took the liberty to make some suggestions about the people involved in the case helping in solving it. As many of his coleagues noticed that, they asked for Sam’s help more and more. And the sheriff noticed that. So one day he approached him and said “ I don’t pay you to solve cases...”. Sam thought he’d get in trouble but the sheriff smiled and continued. “ So I’m gonna start doing it now...”. And just like that some got a raise. You couldn’t believe it when he told you after one passionate kiss. You were very happy for him. But he didn’t exactly start solving cases. He wasn’t allowed to participate in on-going investigations. He was allowed to help only if somebody asked for his help. But many people asked for his help and they said that he was a natural. If they only new... And just like that Sam was very busy and his part- time job became a full- time job.

You weren’t that lucky. You’ve been searching for weeks but it wasn’t easy for you to find a job. You had no experience in anything really. All you knew was hunting and now you had no skills that would actually help you get a job. So you tried for something you thought you could do. Waitress or saleswoman. There were some places that needed more people but they both denied to give you the job as you were completely inexperienced. You were very disappointed but as you were outside of town one day you came across a little place that was actually looking for someone. It was about an hour away from home with the bus and half hour with the car. The man didn’t like the fact that you hadn’t work as a waitress before but he agreed to take you. You were overjoyed. Until you came back home and told Sam about it. Cause when he asked you where the job was he frowned and told you that it was a really really bad neighborhood. They were getting calls from there all the time. You didn’t like the news but you were hunting monsters for years. And all you could think about was that you can’t have everything. Soon you realised Sam was right. You were seeing a lot of wierd people around and of course you knew how to recognise them with the life you’ve been leading. And there was one time someone tried to steal your purse. But it was a bad call. A really bad call. He ended up in the hospital with a broken nose and hand. You used to take the car to work as it was faster. Soon you became good waitress and you were happy with your job even though you were exhausted when you were coming home.

But both you and Sam had every Saturday off. Sam had Sundays off too but most of the times you had to work. So Saturday was your day and you were spending it together going out as it was the only day you could. The first Saturday in your knew house though you spend it at home. Doing what you missed the most those days. With all the moving and packing you really didn’t have much time for each other. So when you finally got the chance to relax you made the most of it. Couch, bed, shower... You had sex pretty much everywhere and it was one of the most amazing nights you spend together. And the morning was also great as Sam made you breakfast in bed and lied on the bed again to hold you. He wrapped his arms around you gently brushing your hands and he kissed your head and he told you that he loved you. You turned your head and kissed his lips and told him that you loved him too. That day you were so happy. Just like the days that followed. Especially after finding a job and feeling useful again. You and Sam had your daily routine managing to spend time together. Most of the times you spend the whole afternoon together. You were very tired to go out but the time you had together was always very nice and you both apreciated it a lot even if it was just cuddling on the couch. Sometimes though you had to work the afternoon shift and that meant limited time with Sam. Those days he would get up to go to work and he would let you sleep. You were leaving before Sam was home and you’d come back after midnight. Sometimes he’d come to your work to have a drink waiting for you to finish. Most of the times, though, you found Sam sleeping on your bed. But there was this Friday you actually found him sleeping on the couch. He must have been very tired and he didn’t realise he fell asleep. You thought about waking him up but you were exhausted and he was so beautiful. So you threw your shoes away and brought a blanket. You kissed his lips softly careful not to wake him up. You raised his hand and lied next to him. You unfolded the blanket with slow moves and covered you both. You turned around as softly as you possibly could and burried yourself in his chest. You wrapped his arm around you and closed your eyes. You fell asleep almost immediately. When you opened your eyes in the morning you were surprised to find yourself lying on your side in your bed. You felt Sam’s arm still wrapped around you and you turned your head to find him sleeping next to you. He must have woken up in the middle of the night and he carried you to bed. You kissed his lips and lied back again. You put your hand on the one he was holding you with. You run your fingers through his and closed your eyes again.

But the last few weeks weren’t that easy. Your jobs became even more demanding. You and Sam had limited time together. Sam was often called to work in the afternoon too. He was paid extra but every time he was coming home he was so tired he could barely keep his eyes open. Your boss on the other hand made your afternoon shift to start at 3PM instead of 4PM which meant of course more work. But it also meant you had to leave the house earlier. Sometimes Sam would get home for lunch since the police station was so close and you used to eat together. If you had the morning shift you were back by then and if you had the afternoon shift you also had plenty of time till you left. Your schedules fit. But now you couldn’t do that. You had mostly the afternoon shift lately but when you had the morning shift you came back more than exhausted. Your whole body ached and your head was killing you.

“ Morning shift is insufferable...” You said to Sam one day you both managed to be home for lunch. You were lying on the couch after another very tiring morning shift and Sam was massaging your feet. You had your eyes closed as your head was in so much pain “ I’ve barely sat all day. Those last times I’m completely alone. I have to do everything on my own. The other girl is sick. Afternoon shift is not like that at all. We barely see someone after ten...” You said and opened your eyes to look at Sam. He was doing a great job with your feet and you appreciated it a lot. You looked in his eyes. He was very tired too. “ Do you want to get some sleep?” You asked him softly.

“ No... I’m good...” He said to you with a smile. His voice was soft. You smiled back and you felt your heart flattering in your chest. He continued. “ Are we still on for Saturday?” He asked you.

“ Yeah...” You answered as he was lifting your legs form his lap to get up and put them back on the couch gently. “ Will you tell me where we’re going?” You asked him with a smile. He kneeled next to the couch and kissed your lips. Your heart flattered again and a second later he broke the kiss.

“ No...” He answered you with a smile.

“ Fair enough...” You chuckled. Last week was your turn to plan the date. You didn’t tell him where you’d go either. But you didn’t get to go anyway. Cas decided to visit so you stayed home with him. Sam put his hand on your neck gently brushing your cheek with his thumb.

“ I love you...” He said in a soft voice but in a serious tone. You smiled to him looking through his eyes.

“ I love you too...” You said and your voice was low almost a wisper. He leaned and pressed his lips against yours. You moved yours against his in a very tender kiss. He pulled back and kissed your forehead before heading to the kitchen letting you sleep.

You spend the rest of the day lying on the couch. You could see Sam was exhausted too. You didn’t doubt he was working hard of course. You both were. So that night you went to sleep as early as possible. Sam had to work till late tomorrow and you had the morning shift again. And just like you already knew you came back the next day feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck. You haven’t eaten anything all day but you really weren’t interested in food. You were feeling so tired you just wanted to sit on the couch and actually stay there for eternity. But you knew Sam would work till late and he worked the whole morning too so you rested for ten minutes and then cooked something for him. You figured he’d probably be hungry. After you were done with cooking you grabbed a book and lied on the couch to read it. Two pages into the book and your eyes were already shut and you were drifting off. The sound of the door woke you up although Sam tried to close it as silently as possible when he saw you sleeping. You opened your eyes and looked at him. He was still standing at the door rubbing his eyes with his hand. You got up slowly and went close to him. You put your hands on his neck and brushed his hair. He raised his head to look at you.

“ I cooked you dinner. Do you want me to serve you?” You asked in a low voice still brushing his hair.

“ No, thank you...” He said brushing his eyes again. “ I’m just so tired all I wanna do is go to bed...” He continued and you could see the apology in his eyes. He felt kind of guilty you cooked for him and he didn’t want to eat. But you didn’t mind. You knew exactly how he was feeling. You smiled to him as you run your fingers gently at his cheek.

“ OK. You go change and I’ll put the food in the fridge...” You said to him in the same low voice. He leaned and kissed you. A short kiss but so affectionate. He broke the kiss and he headed to the stairs and you headed to the kitchen. You put the food in the fridge and went upstairs to find him. Your bedroom door was open and you saw Sam still in his clothes sitting on the bed with his elbows on his knees and his face hidden in his hands. He was exausted. He was pale and he most certainly had a headache. You walked in slowly and sat next to him. He turned his head to look at you and he streightened up. You brushed his arm and planted a small kiss on his shoulder.

“ Are you alright?” You asked him in a low voice that was close to a wisper. You looked straight into his eyes and he could see your concern.

“Yeah... I’m fine... I’m just tired...” He said in a low voice. He most definetely was tired. So you decided not to ask any more questions and let the man you loved get some rest.

“ Ok...” You said smiling and you brushed and kissed his arm once more. He gave you a small smile and you both went to change your clothes. You lied on the bed and you already started drifting off. Sortly after you felt Sam lying next to you wrapping his arms around you. You felt his chest slightly touching your back. He lied there holding you both fell asleep immediately.

You woke up the next morning and realised Sam wasn’t next to you. He probably got up to get ready for work and he let you sleep since you had the afternoon shift that day. You stretched and checked the clock on your nightstand. It wasn’t that late. It was actually pretty early. Sam should still be home. You lied back on the bed for a couple of minutes but you realised that you couldn’t get anymore sleep. So you got up, went down the stairs and made your way to the kitchen. You saw Sam sitting on a chair drinking his coffee.

“ Hey...” You said brushing his back gently. He raised his head to look at you.

“ Hey...” He said with a smile. You moved to get some coffee . A second later he raised his head and checked his watch.

“ I got to go...” He said getting up and getting his coat on.

“ Sam...” You said suddenly remembering something you forgot to ask. “ Can you pick me up from work today?” He looked at you confused and you continued. “ Yesterday I saw two guys checking out Baby and I don’t want to take her with me tonight. I’ll take the bus to work but can you pick me up at midnight?” You smiled. He smiled back.

“ Ok...” He said “ I’ll pick you up...” You smiled satisfied. He looked around to make sure he had everyhing he needed. He looked at you and came close to you obviously in a hurry.

“ Bye...” He said and put his hand on your neck and pulled you in for a kiss. A kiss that lasted longer than a typical goodbye kiss. You felt his thumb brushing your cheek gently and then he broke the kiss giving you a small smile.

“ Bye...” You said in a low voice with a smile as he was turning around to leave.

After a while you felt terribly sleepy again so you went back to bed setting an alarm so that you wouldn’t be late for work. When your alarm went off you got up and got dressed as fast as you could and you run to catch the bus. You were at work ten minutes earlier but that was very convinient for the girl before you who couldn’t take another fve minutes there. Morning shift was exhausting for everyone. So you got to work right away but soon all the customers were gone. Afternoon shift was always a slow one. So since nothing much was going on you did a little clean up while the other girl was at the bar. At some point your boss walked in. He seemed pretty troubled. He greeted you both and sat on a table. When it was time for you to clean the bar the other girl went to take a break. It was after ten and you knew that you could as well close now cause noone was walking in this late. You looked outside. It was dark.

“ (Y/N)...” You heard your boss calling. You turned around to look at him. He was an old man but most of the time he seemed kind. This time he looked tired and troubled “ Can I have a word with you?” He said.

“ Sure...” You said and stepped out of the bar and headed to his table. Something inside you kicked though. Your boss asking to have a word with you was never a good sign. You pulled out the chair opposite from him and sat. He looked nervous.

“ Listen...” He said putting his hands on the table. “ Truth is...” He said without looking at you. You felt like he was avoiding your gaze. You could see in his face how tired he was. “ Buisness is not going very well...” You didn’t like that intro. “I have many debts lately... I’m trying to work things out but it’s not easy...” He finally looked at you. “ I can’t afford all of you...” He said and his eyes were locked on yours. Your heart skipped a bit and you felt like somebody threw cold water on your back. You understood what he was saying but you knew he was looking at you to get him out of the difficult possition of telling you you were fired. But you didn’t. You didn’t expect that. And you were feeling like you’ve just taken a really strong blow. You tried so hard for this job. Your mind was just screaming that this wasn’t fair. And you suddenly felt so mad at him. No! You wouldn’t make it easier for him. You looked at him and you knew he could read the anger in your eyes. “ Don’t get me wrong...” He continued like he could make you feel better. “ You are doing a great job... But you’ve been here for so little comparing to the others... I can’t fire them... You understand...” He said. No! You didn’t! You were working so hard! You were working your ass off every single day. Harder than most of the others. No! That was not fair! And no you didn’t understand. You were feeling mad and hurt. So what if the others were here longer? You were trying so hard! You deserved to keep this job. And that statement only made you angrier. You wanted to punch him right now but you just glared at him. You didn’t speak. You just looked back into his eyes and he knew it was not wise to push things any further. He sighed and reached in his jacket to get an envelope. He left it on the table and pushed it towards you with his fingers. “ This is your final paycheck...” He said. You took it in your hands. You breathed deeply trying to calm yourself. You put the envelope in your pocket without looking inside and got up to get back to the bar. After all you’ve been paid for today. You had to work the whole shift. But he stopped you. “ Perhaps it would be best if you didn’t...finish your shift tonight...”. You took a deep breath and looked at him. What was he thinking? That this was some kind of treat? Or did he just want you out of there as soon as possible?

“ All right...” You said in a low and cold voice. You reached behind the bar and took your bag. You put the envelope inside and walked through the door without looking back.

It was already very late and although you wanted to get out of there as soon as possible there was no bus for at least half an hour. So you just walked away a bit and you sat on the stairs at the entrance of a nearby building. There was a light above you which made the spot less dangerous. You checked your phone. It was 11 o’clock. Sam would be there in an hour. You prefered to wait for him. You were feeling so awful. You tried so hard to find this job and you worked so hard since the first day. You still couldn’t understand were that came from. You didn’t expect that at all. You were doing such a great job. How did you end up fired? You were feeling a burden inside. You looked to the sky. It was completely black. The night was cloudy and you couldn’t see the stars or the moon. You focused on the road. But you were really lost in your thoughts. You should start looking for another job now. It was hard enough to find one the first time. It would be very difficult this time too. And Sam? Sam will have to work extra time now. He was already getting so tired. He was exhausted and now he’d have to work even more. You felt your throat closing and your eyes in pain. You covered them with your hand as they started getting wet. And all you could think about was that you wanted Sam to come and get you as fast as he could. You wiped your eyes and checked your phone again. Only a quarter had passed. You took a deep beath and looked around looking for something to focus on. There was a cat at the nearby dumpster. She was tearing the bags inside to find something to eat. But as you were staring at the dumpster you got lost in your thoughts again. Things were going so well. Why did this had to happen? You took a deep breath and started playing with your fingers. You lowered your head and looked at them as your thighs were slightly in pain because of your elbows pressing. You were feeling empty inside. Like all your emotions were spent.

You heard a car engine. You lifted your head and saw the impala. You looked closely and saw Sam inside. He saw you. He parked the car almost in front of you. He got out and walked closer to you.

“ Was I late? I thought if I come early I could have a drink till you finish your shift...” He said with a smile. His face had a confused expression though. He knew something wasn’t right. He moved and sat next to you. You raised your head and looked at him. You felt a burden inside you. You breathed a deep and tired breath.

“ I got fired...” You told him in a low and calm voice.

“ What?” He said surprised. He run his hand through his face trying to contain his surprise. But you knew he was as shocked as you were. You turned in front of you again and focused on your fingers once more. “ What happened?” He asked calmy in a surprised tone and his voice sounded a little gruff. Still in shock. You knew he was trying to understand the reason as much as you did before. You let your head drop. You were feeling like you had no strength to speak. You heard him taking a deep breath. You took one too.

“ Hey...” He said and his voice was soft now. Sam run his fingers gently through yours. So your hands were palm to palm. You raised your head again and looked at your hands. He was brushing your fingers gently. His hand was warm unlike yours. You brushed his fingers gently too. You felt so awful that he would have to work more now. He was about to speak again but you closed your eyes and swallowed hard and spoke before he could.

“ Let’s just go home...” You voice calm. You heard Sam exhaling disappointed that you wouldn’t listen to him. You took another deep breath. You stood up letting his hand go as gently as you could. He stood up too as you started walking towards the car. You got to the car and you opened the door as Sam was heading to the driver’s seat. You sat on the passenger seat as Sam opened the door and sat next to you. You rested your head on the window. He sat but he didn’t start the car immediately.

“ ( Y/N)...” He started speaking in a low voice but you interrupted him.

“ Not now...” You said lowering your head again. He breathed out disappointed with a serious look on his face. He started the car. And as the car was moving and you were looking outside the window the only thing you could think about was that things started getting tough...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There might be a delay on the next chapter... I'll post it as soon as possible...


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dealing with losing your job is hard...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song that I like for this chapter:  
> Bon Jovi - Living on a Prayer

**Sam’s point of view**

I started the car. The drive was quiet. We didn’t speak at all. She didn’t even make a sound and I knew she didn’t want to talk yet. But I checked on her every now and then. She was just sitting there with her eyes locked on the road. Her face was almost expressionless. I don’t like that reaction. This can only mean one thing. She is really hurt... I know her. And I know that when she is sad or something bothers her or even scares her she cries. She gets it all out. Now she is more like a statue. I know she didn’t cry before I came. Her eyes would be red and wet. And they were not. I feel worried. More than usual... I look at myself through the mirror. I take a deep breath carefull not to be heard. And I start thinking that I’m overreacting. She just lost her job. It’s normal to act like that. And she will get it all out. Sooner or later...

We got home in what seemed like a long drive. I opened the door and we walked in. She turned to look at me with a fading smile. Her eyes locked on mine. I don’t know how I could describe what I see in them. She seems disappointed and sad. And I can see she is hurt. Seeing her like that spreads a piercing pain through my chest and I just breathe to contain it. She opened her mouth and spoke.

“ I’ll go change...” She said with a low and tired voice that matched her eyes and walked towards the stairs with slow and tired moves.

“ Yeah...” I answered and my low voice sounded gruff. I can’t help but think that she sounded defeated. How could she not? I still don’t know what happened but I can hardly imagine how she could ever get fired. She was working so hard. And yes to anybody else this would seem like a simple job and that she shouldn’t feel that sad but I know it was more to her. It made her feel useful. It made her feel that we can make it in this life. And it hurts her that she tried so hard and it didn’t work. And watching her suffer is painfull for me too. But what scares me is that she doesn’t want to talk to me. The last time she did that was because what was bothering her had something to do with me. This time I doubt this is the case. This time I feel like she is shutting me out and the last time she did that was when Dean died. I see images in front of me of her in deep depression not eating or talking. I feel like someone soaked me in cold water and I swallow hard. I try not to think about it. I shake my head and I take a deep breath. I shut all the images out. Then I move to the kitchen to make something for dinner. I doubted she’d want to eat but just in case she did... I made something fast and I opened one of the cupboards to find some salt and that’s when I noticed something knew. Hot chocolate. I didn’t buy that which can only mean she did. I think about it for a second and I smile to the box. Maybe this will make her feel better. I hear footsteps down the stairs getting close but they move away again. She went to the living room. I make the hot chocolate. I take it in my hands and i’m happy that the cup’s temprature is bearable.

I walk out of the kitchen and I see her sitting on the couch. I hate myself for this but part of me wished to see her crying. Yet she was sitting on the couch having changed her clothes and she just seemed sad and tired. Anyone else would think that she is not feeling that bad. She actually seems calm. But I know her. And I know she is too calm. If she is not even close to shed a tear she is more hurt than she is willing to admit. I take a deep breath and I walk close to her. She raised her head to look at me with those beautiful eyes of hers.

“ Here...” I say and I hand her the cup.

“ Thanks...” She said with that fading smile that triggered the pain in my chest again as I was sitting next to her as gently as I could. She held the cup with both hands for a second and then she placed in on the table in front of the couch. I feel disappointed. Apparently the chocolate didn’t make her feel better. But as she left the cup and returned to the couch she moved close to me and burried her head at the crook of my neck. I didn’t expect that. But without a second thought I wrapped my arms around her. My heart beat faster and the pain in my chest felt a little better. I could feel her breath on my neck . Her hand on my chest. I brush her back gently and I kiss the top of her head. She took a deep breath and I pulled her closer. I love her so much and it hurts so bad to see her in pain. I hold her without saying anything a few more seconds and then I opened my mouth and spoke.

“ Are we going to talk about this?” I ask and my voice is low and calm. But my tone is serious. She lifted her head to look at me.

“He just told me that things were not going very well for him...” She started saying and I knew she was talking about her boss. Ex- boss! “ And he said that he couldn’t fire the others because they were working for him more than I have...” She said exhaling deeply resting her head on my chest again. I think about what she said and immediately I feel so pissed off. How could he do this? She’s been working so hard. I watched her come back home a wreck! She could barely walk! And what! He just couldn’t fire the others? I feel my heartbeat rising.

“ Wow...” I say in a low voice that trembling with anger. I shake my head a bit to calm me down so that I won’t start shouting about what an asshole he is but it doesn’t work. I opened my mouth ready to speak but she raised her head again and looked at me. She knew I was ready to yell but she looked at me serious asking me with her eyes not to do this right now. I could see it in her eyes that she didn’t want to hear it. I closed my mouth. She rested her head on me again and I wrapped my arms around her again. I am still pissed as hell. I really didn’t know what to say to make things better.

“ You know what...We will work it out...” I sais finally in a a low and steady voice. My tone was serious. She pulled back and looked at me once again with the same disappointed look on her face.

“ Really?...” She said with a small amount of sarcasm. Her tone was serious too. Her voice low and steady too. But the disappointment was still there. “ I don’t think so... It took me weeks to find this job. And it was really hard...” So this time it would be even harder. Before I could react she took a deep breath and spoke again. “ I’m going to sleep...” She said in the same disappointed voice and leaned to kiss the crook of my neck. She just got up and headed to the stairs.

I stayed there for a couple of minutes. I rested my elbows on my knees and I run my hands through my hair. I’m trying to think how I could ever make her feel better but I’m really tired and I can’t think clearly... I got up and headed to the kitchen to put the food in the fridge and then go to sleep. As expected she didn’t want to eat... or drink... I rubbed my eyes as I started feeling more and more tired. After all I’ve been working all day too. It was a tiring day that I ended up forgetting why she didn’t want to drive the impala to work so I did. She ‘d kill me if anything happened to Baby. Not that I would be able to forgive myself...

I walked to our room and I found her lying on her side on the bed. I went to change trying to be as quite as possible. If there was the slightest chance she was asleep I didn’t want to wake her. I doubted she was but still. I changed my clothes and I lied on the bed as gently as possible. I carefully threw the covers on me and I moved close to her. I wrapped my arm around her carefully not to wake her up. But she must have been awake since I felt her pushing backwards a little so that her back was on my chest. I pulled her a little closer and I felt her taking a deep breath. Her muscles relaxed and she made a tired sound of content. That made my heart beat faster. Thinking that she feels so relaxed in my arms. She is so important to me... She moved her hand and rested it on mine moving her fingers slightly between mine. I took a deep breath.

“ I love you...” I said in a low and steady voice. I love her so...so much. She turned her head as much as she could to look at me. I lifted my head to look at her too and make it easier for her to look at me. She looked at me serious with those wide eyes locked on mine. I found myself swallowing hard as my heartbeat was rising. She smiled.

“ I love you too...” She said in a low and steady voice too. Still smiling at me. And that smile was the first genuine smile she gave me tonight and it triggered my smile. And before I could move or do anything else she moved and kissed my lips. It was one tender kiss. I moved my lips against hers firmly thinking of how much I loved her. She broke the kiss and rested her head on the pillow again and I did the same. But I didn’t feel her drifting off... I’m exhausted but I try to stay awake brushing her fingers until she falls asleep. She was brushing mine too. She was exhausted too and her movements slowed down until they stopped completely when she had fallen asleep. Soon I drifted off too...

**Your point of view**

You woke up in the morning with your body feeling sore. You were so tired that you felt like the matress could actually swallow you. You could feel Sam wasn’t next to you anymore. He probably got up early. You opened your eyes and thought about getting up. But you didn’t want to. And not because you were tired. You were feeling a burden inside. Your chest was in some short of slight pain. Something between real and not. You could feel it with every breath you took as you were trying to contain how sad you were. At some point you thought about letting it all out and cry. But it was like you had no tears to shed and you were so tired both physically and emotionally to even try and cry. You took another deep breath and felt the burden in your chest. Your mind travelled back to last night... You felt angry suddenly. Something inside you was screaming that this was so unfair... You worked so hard for this job... It shouldn’t have been you... Or should it? Were you even that good at your job?... Or did your ex-boss said that in a desperate attempt to comfort you... No! You shook the tought out of your head. You were that good! You were not the best! But you deserved this job!... And yet there was another part of you that was screaming that you were just a waitress. It’s not even that important... Only it is... The burden inside you replied. You were feeling useful. You were doing something again since you stopped hunting... And now... Now you need to find another job... But can you? It was so hard to find this one in the first place. How the hell would you find another one?... You felt anger burning in your chest but the fire was quickly put out to give its place to the burden you knew all too well by now. For once again you thought about getting up and once again you decided against. You took another tired deep breath and closed your eyes once more. You started falling asleep when you felt a slight movement close to you. The bed trembled and you felt Sam brushing your arm gently. You opened your eyes slowly to look at him.

“ Hey...” He said with a small smile.

“ Hey...” You replied taking a look around. Normally he wouldn’t wake you up but you could see it was already kind of late and he knew you didn’t like sleeping till noon. Unless it was a special occasion like coming back from a hunt back then or working late. Working late... You won’t have to worry about that for a while. The burden in your chest made its presence noticed again and the small smile on your face slowly faded away. Sam moved his hand to your waist freeing your hand so you could stretch. After you were done he spoke.

“ I made you breakfast...” He said in a low voice and got up. “ I’m gonna make some coffee too...” He said and moved close to you planting a small kiss on yor lips. He pulled back and left the room. Yeah... You really needed some coffee. But truth is you didn’t really want to get up. But you had to. After all you started feeling a little hungry. You slowly got up and went down the stairs. By the time you entered the living room you didn’t feel like eating anymore. So instead of heading to the kitchen were Sam was ( It sounded like he was on the phone with someone!) you decided to sit on the couch. Seconds later Sam walked out of the kitchen holding his phone on one hand and a cup of coffee on the other.

“ Yeah... I’ll be there...” He said on the phone as he was coming closer to you. He passed you the coffee and sat next to you. “ Thanks again...” He said and he hung up as you were taking a ship of your coffee. You didn’t really feel like drinking but you decided to drink a bit anyway. You liked it but you were feeling like you couldn't swallow. You didn’t want to push yourself.

“ Who was on the phone?...” You asked casually leaving your coffee on the table.

“ Ah... The sheriff...” Sam said smiling a bit surprised by the whole thing. “His son’s computer is broken and he kind of became...insufferable... I could hear him screaming on the phone.” You chuckled lightly. You’d feel exactly the same way if your computer was broken. “ He is so desperate he gave me this week off to go by his house tonight and fix it...” He said and chuckled to himself. A second later his smile disappeared and he looked at you. You knew he felt like he shouldn’t have said that. Talking about time off when you got fired less than twenty four hours ago. But you didn’t mind. Losing your job had nothing to do with Sam.

“ Good...” You said to him calmly and you could see him relax a bit. You took your coffee in your hands again and took another ship. Sam checked his watch and spoke again.

“ All right... It’s my turn to go shopping today...” He said and got up. He took his keys from the table and kissed your lips lightly to say goodbye. He walked to the door and left.

You stayed at the couch. It felt really lonely without Sam so you opened the T.V. to feel like you had company and to get your mind off the burden in your chest. Indeed you found something that was interesting enough. A documentary about witches at the middle ages. It sounded familiar. It kept your mind occupied for a while but soon it started travelling elsewhere. There was an add at the corner of the screen about another documentary for tomorrow morning. Your first thought was that you wouldn’t be able to watch it because you had the morning shift. And then you realised that you didn’t. You were fired. You wouldn’t have to go to work. You tried to focus on the small part of you that was relieved by that but you couldn’t. Because mostly you were feeling sad and angry. And then your mind travelled again to the difficulties you’d face trying to find another job. You took a deep breath and your chest got heavier. At some point you closed the TV because you felt like it was just noise. And you had a headache. You didn’t leave the couch though. You thought about leaving but you were in no mood to do anything else. You didn’t realise how much time had passed when Sam opened the door again. You immediately turned your head to look at him.

“ Hey...” He greeted you breathless as he was carrying the bags with the groceries with both hands closing the door with his foot.

“ Hey...” You answered in a low voice. He carried the bags in the kitchen and put everything in place. About five minutes later he walked out of the kitchen holding another bag. It was a different kind of bag. Though it was normal size it seemed small in his hands. He sat next to you again.

“ I bought you something...” He said smiling with anticipation and nervousness giving you the bag. The edges of your lips instinctively formed a small smile and it felt like you hadn’t smiled in years. You opened the bag and put both hands inside. You felt the soft fabric and pulled it half out. It was a black dress. Total black but it was beautiful. “ I was kind of hoping you could wear it tonight...” He said again nervously.

But you were looking back at him with a blank expression. Tonight!!! It was Saturday! You completely forgot about tonight. The last thing you wanted tonight was to go out. You were in no mood for that. But you didn’t have time to think about it as Sam’s expression from nervous and excited turned into a disapointed one.

“ It’s ok if you don’t want to...” He said and though he tried to sound casual his voice was significantly lowered.

“ No...I’ll wear it...” You rushed to say and you smiled at him. “ It’s beautiful...” You said looking at the dress once more and then back at Sam. “ Thank you...” You smiled again. He smiled back happy with your answer.

“ All right...” He said and got up. “ Be ready at six...” He kissed your lips lightly. You really were in no mood for this but you answered.

“ Ok...” Sam turned to leave and you took a deep breath again...

Sam also cooked something for lunch but you didn’t really want to eat . You tried though. You both sat on the table but you only ate a few bites and then announced that you were done. You moved to the couch again and opened the TV once more. Sam left after lunch to head to the sheriff’s house. You lied on the couch for the next few hours until you fell asleep. Last night was good. You didn’t have any dreams. But this time you were seeing again and again your ex-boss firing you. When you’d walk out you would either find yourself falling or chased by bats in complete darkness. The last time you actually walked out and when Sam was supposed to come no one did. The lights went out and you were crying. You woke up jumping off the couch. You were breathing heavily as you were trying to remind yourself where you were. You put your hand on your forehead and you felt the cold sweat on your skin wetting your hair. Once your breaths were normal again you reached for your phone on the table. You checked the time. Damn! It was allready six! You’d have to get ready. You should have already been ready. You looked around trying to think what should you do first. But you realised you didn’t really want to do anything. You were feeling exhausted and emotionaly spent. You didn’t want to go anywhere. You thought about it for a second and you decided you wouldn’t. You just wanted to stay home. You got up and headed to the kitchen. You took a glass on your hand and before you started pouring water you heard the door open. Sam was back. You filled your glass with the water and turned around as Sam was walking in. He was wearing a suit. You were a bit surprised.

“ Hey...” He greeted you. “ You’re not ready? We’re gonna be late...” He said casually. You took a ship of your water and took a deep breath.

“ I can’t go...” You said in a calm voice.

“ What?... Why?” Sam asked surprised with a puzzled look on his face. He sounded more disappointed than what you expected. You took another ship of your water.

“ I’m tired... I just can’t go...” You explained calmly again. Sam took a deep breath looking at you disappointed.

“ I’ve been planning this for two weeks...” He started saying in a low voice trying to reason with you. “ I understand you’re tired but It’s Saturday... It’s **our** day. This week has been more than tiring...We both need this...” He said and looked into your eyes hoping for a positive answer. But you really weren’t feeling like giving him one. You shook your head a bit and answered.

“ I get it... But I’m too exhausted. I can’t go...” You said in the same tone and left your glass on the table heading out of the kitchen. A few steps out you heard Sam’s voice behind you.

“(Y/N),Come on... I tried so hard for this” He said following you out of the kitchen trying to convince you. But going out was really the last thing you wanted. You really appreciated Sam’s effort but going out was not what you needed right now.You started losing your patience.

“ I know...” You said turning to face him. “ But I’m really not in the mood to go out...” You said calmly but with a determined looked on your face. When you finished your sentence you turned to head to the living room. But you heard Sam’s voice behind you again.

“ (Y/N), you have to get out of here...” Sam said and his voice was low and slightly gruff. His tone was serious. You didn’t like the sound of that. You turned around to look at him. He seemed concerned. You already started suspecting what he was saying. But you didn’t like it.

“ I don’t want to...I really don’t...” You said with the same determined look on your face. Your voice was calm too. Sam took a deep breath. He moved a little closer and spoke again. You could see it in his eyes that he would try to convince you and this started pissing you off.

“ ( Y/N), You’ve been here all day... You need to get out of here...” He said with a concerned look on his face trying to convince you to go out. Normally you would appreciate his concern but right now it just started pissing you off. What? He didn’t think you could take care of yourself? Yes. You could undertsand why he was saying that. He believed that going out would lift your spirits. But you were feeling it was the last thing you wanted.

“ No...What I need is to stay home...” You said with unplanned curtness. You didn’t want to sound that angry but this whole conversation was getting you there. You just wanted to stay home. You thought that you could get some rest and have a good night’s sleep and everything would be better tomorrow... Hopefully... Sam took a deep breath and tried again.

“ We could just go for a walk around the block... Come on...” He said trying to convince you again. But this time you were really angry. Couldn’t he accept that you just wanted to stay there?

“ IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT I WANT TO STAY HOME? You yelled at him. You didn’t mean for that outburst but you didn’t quite regret it either. You were already angry enough. But maybe he would let it go now. But you were wrong.

“ YES! BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU LETTING YOURSELF GO BECAUSE YOU LOST YOUR JOB!” He yelled back. Sam was getting pissed too. But what he said enraged you even more. Letting yourself go? Because you wanted to stay home? How was that letting yourself go? Your heart started beating fast and your blood was boiling.

“HOW THE HELL STAYING HOME MEANS I’M LETTING MYSELF GO?” You yelled back at Sam. You could feel anger burning inside you. Sam answered before you could even finish your sentense.

“ IT’S NOT JUST THAT...YOU DON’T TALK, YOU DON’T EAT...” He yelled and though he was pissed his tone seemed more like he was trying to wake you up. Make you snap out of it. But that was just stupid. Indeed you weren’t very talkative today and you really had no appetite. But all those things happen when you’re tired. And that’s what you’ve been trying to explain since the moment Sam walked in. Why can’t he understand that? Unless he is just pissed because you don’t want to go out. Which made you even more pissed because that means he can’t accept the fact that you’re tired and respect your wishes. So you opened your mouth and sounded even more bitter than usual.

“ IS THIS EVEN ABOUT ME? OR ARE YOU JUST PISSED BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO GO OUT?” You yelled at him. Your whole body was radiating heat as your blood was boiling with anger. You expected to see Sam hesitate after that. That it would make him think why he was so angry. But you were wrong because he spoke again immediately.

“ YOU THINK ANY OF THIS IS ABOUT ME?” He yelled surprised and even more pissed off with you. And he wasn’t just talking about this fight but the whole night. He meant that going out was about you too. And if that was the case what he meant was that again he was trying to make you snap out of it. But you have had it with all this yelling and all this fighting on a night that you just wanted to stay home and get some rest... You were already too pissed off and upset... The next words that left your mouth were more like crying out loud...

“ I’M TIRED! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE...?” You yelled and you didn’t even realise what you said until the words were out of your mouth. You looked at Sam and you saw he made an expression like someone punched him in the stomach. And actually that someone was you. It hurt you immediately to see him hurt but he spoke before you could say another word.

“ Fine...” His tone was significantly lowered and trembling with anger and hurt. He moved to the table to take his keys. You were just watching him unable to say another word. It hurt you to see him take his keys. And you felt like the earth was moving underneath your feet. You didn’t want him to leave. The last thing you wanted was Sam to leave. But he came close to you getting something out of his pocket. He handed it to you and moved past you saying. “ You ruined it anyway...” His voice trembling again and his face full of pain. For a second you were confused. But it didn’t matter now.You were feeling like you’ve been punched when he opened the door and slammed it behind him. Your eyes got wet and you felt like chocking. Two thick teardrops left your eyes when you heard the car’s engine. He was leaving. He was actually leaving. Your heart started beating slow and painfully. Being tired didn’t matter anymore. Sam was gone. But Sam loved you. No matter what you said he wouldn’t just leave like that. He never got so mad with you to leave. But he did now. Your throat was closing and your eyes were in pain. You didn’t blame him after what just left your mouth. You loved him so much. Of course you did. He was your whole world. And of course you didn’t mean what you said. But apparently tonight was much more important to him than you thought it was. And when you looked in your hands you understood why. You were holding a small jewlery box. You opened it slowly as tears were blurring your vision. And when you looked inside you understood why tonight was so important to him. Why it was about you too. What you ruined. And why saying that you wanted him to leave you alone was even more painfull tonight that it would normally be. You moved your trembling hand in your mouth to contain a sob. Your eyes were full of tears as a sharp pain was spreading through your chest. So sharp that it was almost unbearable. You removed your hand from your mouth and held the little box with both hands as tears were running down your cheeks and your heart was torn in two in the sight of the beautiful ring inside...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry it took me so long to post! This chapter was supposed to be up last week but it was accidentaly deleted and I had to rewrite it... I'll post again as soon as possible...


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The song that inspired me for this chapter:  
> Mariah Carey - Hero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (L/N) = Last Name

You looked at the ring once more and closed the box. Tears were running down your eyes and your hands were trembling. You felt your knees going weak and you started moving to the couch. Your steps were slow. You sat on the couch with slow moves, your whole body trembling, and the box still in your hands. You threw your shoes off and brought your legs on the couch. You looked at the box in your hands once more before bringing one of your hands to cover your eyes as you started sobbing. A strong pain was spreading from your heart to the rest of your chest. Your sobs were getting stronger. You were feeling like you’ve been stabbed. You were feeling like your whole world was falling apart. First you lost your job and as much as you’d like to act like you could handle it you couldn’t. You were feeling like you failed. Like you weren’t meant for this life. That job meant a lot more to you than you could express. And you managed to get fired. You were trying to keep it together and avoid blaming yourself but right now you just couldn’t hold back. With every sob your thoughts and fears were coming to the surface to give you another blow. You were feeling useless. You couldn’t even keep your job. And that made you feel horrible enough. But it didn’t matter anymore. Sam was gone! The pain you were feeling for losing your job was nothing...NOTHING compared to the pain you were feeling for Sam...Sam... A moan left your lips when you thought of Sam as your heart kicked in your chest like it would burst out. You were feeling like your heart was tearing in half, beating painfully. How did you manage to mess things up so bad with Sam? He never got that mad to leave before. How did you manage to hurt him so much? You sniffed and removed your hand from your face in an attempt to take a breath. But the pain in your chest made it difficult for you to breathe. A second later you started sobbing again and a moan left your lips again when you looked at the box in your hands. He was going to propose... You had no idea. No idea at all. You never thought you’d get there. You never even considered this. But yet you had no doubt about your answer. You would have said yes...You would have... Because you never let him ask... Because you were so stupid... You left another sob. He pissed you off for sure but you should have never let your anger get out of control. You never wanted him to leave. It was tearing you apart. You never wanted so much to apologise before and you’ve never been more unable to speak. Through all the crying and the sobbing you couldn’t get your voice out. You couldn’t talk to him even if you called. And you didn’t even know if calling would be the right thing to do. He probably didn’t want to hear your voice right now. The thought caused a piercing pain through your heart. So you decided not to call. Instead you’d stay in the couch till Sam came back and you could apologise. And that’s what you did. You stayed there unable to stop crying with the box in your hands. Occasionally you’d open it and look at the ring inside. It was so beautiful. And you weren’t sure if it really was so beautiful or it seemed to you that way because Sam chose it. Sam chose it for you...That made your heart break all over again. You loved him so much! You kept looking at the door every five minutes. You’d raise your head every time you heard a car but it wasn’t him. You kept crying until you couldn’t cry anymore. Your eyes were burning and they were swollen. And by that time it was after midnight and Sam wasn’t back. You stayed on the couch for a couple of hours more. Just holding the box. The pain in your chest was still there. Never going away. Nothing happened. Sam wasn’t back and you were feeling like your whole body was in pain now. You got up and with slow moves and moved to your bedroom. You’d wait for Sam here. But once you walked in you felt like you’ve been struck by a new wave of pain. Instead of your side of the bed you slowly crawled on Sam’s side. You could smell his scent on the sheets and on his pillow. And it was the most relieving and most painfull thing right now. You left the box on his nightstand. You didn’t let it out of your hands since he handed it to you. You left your cell phone next to the box hoping that Sam would call. Why would he? You were just hoping...You lied on the bed and hugged his pillow. You closed your eyes breathing his scent and new tears flooded your eyes.love combined with pain made your heart beat excruciatingly. You stayed there waiting with your ears ready to pick up the sound of the door. But they didn’t. And now you started worrying. Why wasn’t he back yet? It was early morning by now. The answer that popped in your head was that he didn’t want to be back. That he wouldn’t come back. Although painfull that thought was better than thinking that he did want to come back. Because if he did want to come back that meant that something happened. And with him being Sam Winchester your mind was going wild with terrifying possibilities that made you wish he was still so pissed off with you... That thought terrified you and made you shed even more tears until exhaustion made you fall asleep smoothly without realising it happening. But it wasn’t a nice sleep. You had nightmares.You could hear your heart beating like a drum in your whole body. The pain in your chest still present and your dreams made it worse. You could see Sam leaving your home angry as hell and he was captured by vampires... Or he was fighting werewolves... Or a witch had him under a spell... And you went after him and you found him dead on the street... Blood everywhere...

“ SAM!!!!” You screamed waking up soaked in cold sweat and your ears buzzing. It took you a few moments to realise where you were and that Sam wasn’t there. You were alone in the bed. He didn’t come back or he was on the couch. The buzzing in your ears started fading and you heard your heavy breaths and the sound of your cell phone. A text! You had a text! Still breathing heavily you moved as fast as you could and grabbed your cell phone from the nightstand and opened the text with your heart beating like a drum. It was Cas...

“ Sam’s with me. I don’t think he wants you to know but I know you worry. J “

So Sam was with Cas. That calmed you down and you could breathe normally again The rest of the text though made the pain return ( like it had ever left...). “ _I don’t think he wants you to know...”_ So Sam didn’t want you to know where he was. He didn’t want Cas to tell you either. So Sam most likely didn’t want to talk to you... New tears started running down your cheeks. You texted “ Thanks,Cas...” and left your phone on the nightstand. Instinctively you reached for the small box on the nightstand again. You held it in your hands and started crying. You had no strength to sob. It was just silent tears. So he was still pissed as hell with you. Since he didn’t want you to know where he was he didn’t want you to call either. The pain in your chest grew stronger. You rolled on your side and stayed there. Tears running down your cheeks. You stayed there for hours. When it was lunch time you got up with slow moves and wiped the tears off your face before heading to the kitchen. You got the box with you.The plan was to eat something. But you were in no mood to cook. So you just made a sandwich. You put it in a plate and moved to the living room planning to eat it. Only you couldn’t. You felt like you couldn’t swallow it. So you just left it on the table and sat on the couch playing the fight you had with Sam in your mind. Fresh tears run down your cheeks. You lied back on the couch and you got lost in your thoughts again. He didn’t want to talk to you. You wanted to call. But you didn’t know what you could possibly say to make things right. And even if you did call you doubted you’d manage to say anything more than sorry between tears and sobs. But it didn’t matter because he didn’t want to talk to you. You didn’t know what to do! YOU DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! You hurt him so much... You didn’t mean to. You loved him so much. The last thing you wanted was to hurt him. You really thought he would be back last night. But he didn’t. You didn’t really think he’d be back today either. In the morning you were still hoping but now...now you didn’t believe it anymore. And that was hurting you so much. You opened the box once more and looked inside. That ring was a reminder that Sam loved you. But there was a fear inside that maybe he didn’t anymore. That you actually hurt him that bad. But you were hurt too. A part of you was mad too. Because he left... And he didn’t even call... or text... Just to say he was fine!... What! Did he imagine you didn’t care anymore? He didn’t know that no matter what happened between you you cared more than you could possibly say?... Did you actually made him believe that you didn’t? Your heart started beating painfully once more. You left the living room and went back to your bedroom. You were feeling emotionally spent and hevy inside. You decided to take a shower hoping it would make you feel better. The hot water on your body did make you feel better. It made you relax. You were even feeling a little better when you stepped out of the shower. But once you’ve put your clothes on and sat on the bed you felt the same pain inside. You could feel new tears coming up but you couldn’t handle them anymore. You needed to clear your head. Wake up. Snap out of it. So you decided to go for a walk. Unlike the night before when you were feeling so awful that you had no mood for anything this time you were dieing for that walk. You wanted a little fresh air. You were feeling like you were suffocating in the house. So you got dressed. You left the box on the bed on the sheets you didn’t bother to make and went back to the living room. You found your keys and you walked outside closing the door behind.

You started walking on the road not really sure where you were going. Just walking. The cool breeze made you feel a lot better. The weather was not that good though. It was cloudy. Black clouds on the horizon. It would probably rain soon. You chuckled sarcastically at the sky. The weather matched your emotions. The streets were mostly empty. Most of your neighbors were inside or away for the weekend. You didn’t mind. You didn’t feel like you wanted people to see you. You wanted to spend some alone time outside. You thought it would clear your head. But it didn’t. It only made you feel how much you missed Sam. How much you wished he was here with you. You kept walking for about half an hour without feeling any better really. As you were walking through a street you’ve never walked before you saw a truck and an old woman carrying some books inside an old building that didn’t really look like a house. More like an old library. You walked closer and you saw that the woman had trouble carrying the books.

“ Do you need some help?” You asked when you got close enough. The woman turned her head and looked at you. She was short and most certainly over seventee years old. But she had a fire in her eyes you don’t see everyday.

“ Oh! That would be great, Dear” She said to you and you moved closer taking the books off her hands.

“ Where do you want them?” You asked as the weight of the books was crushing you.

“ Inside if you can, Dear...” She answered you and you were surprised to see that she reached inside the truck and got some books to carry inside herself. Once you got inside the building really did look like an old library. You left the books on the floor along with the other books and looked around a bit. Seconds later the woman walked in and left the books on the floor too.

“ Are you opening a library?” You asked her.

“ Yes, Dear. I got so many books at home. I’ve always loved them. So now I think it’s a good time for me to do what I always wanted and reopen this old library...” She said and she walked out heading back to the truck. You followed her. Once you were by the truck she turned around and asked you. “ What’s your name sweetheart?”

“ (Y/N) (L/N)...” You said and she patted your arm softly.

“ What a nice name... I’m Rose Feegs...” She said to you.

“ Nice to meet you Mrs Feegs...” You said. You didn’t want to call her Rose she seemed like the type of person who liked to be called Mrs. And you were right. Once you finished your sentence she looked satisfied at you and she ckecked you out from top to bottom like she was trying to decide if she approved the rest of you along with your manners. But the driver interrupted her.

“ Mrs Feegs...” He yelled and both you and Mrs Feegs turned around to look at him. He was a tall man with beard and stains of sos on his shirt. “ Do you mind if I get a cup of coffee?” He asked.

“ Go ahead...” She answered and turned to the books again. “ Lazy oaf...” she murmured and it was hard for you to contain a smile. Lazy oaf? Wow! What an insult. You reached inside the truck and took some more books. It took you about an hour and a half to help Mrs Feegs get all the books inside but it was the distraction you wanted. You were with a nice lady that was fun in her own way and around books. One of the things you loved the most.

After you were done Mrs Feegs turned to you.

“ Thank you for your help, Dear... I doubt anyone else would help...” She said and the last part was louder than the previous one in an attempt to be heard by the driver outside of the building. You saw him immitating her behind her back before taking an angry expression. He got in the truck and drove away. “ I can get them on their selves now...” She said to you again.

“ I can help...” You said not really wanting to go home. It felt awful without Sam there.

“ Don’t you have something to do on a Sunday night?” She asked you surprised.

“ No...Not really...” You said and your voice was low . You knew what you’d like to do on a Sunday night. But Sam wasn’t here. You felt the pain coming back to you but Mrs Feegs interrupted your thoughts.

“ Well, in that case I appreciate your help... You can leave anytime you want, Dear...” she said and you smiled at her before searching for the big ladder. Mrs Feegs had already categorised the books so all she needed help with was putting them on the right self.

So you climbed up there and started putting the books she gave you on the selves she told you. You saw a lot of great books in there. You had read many of them. At some point you came across something familiar. A book with the title : The Angel In The Demon. At first you thought it was some short of novel but something was telling you it was more than that. You opened it and to your surprise it was a hunter’s book. You looked a bit inside and you realised it was about crossroads demons and the deals they made with good people. The angel was a metaphor for them. You were looking at the book for some time but this book in here made you suspicious so you turned to Mrs Feegs and asked.

“ Where did you get that book?” You tried to sound as casual as possible. Mrs Feegs lifted her head and looked at you surprised.

“ You like it? A friend of mine gave it to me... Well, not really a friend. Mrs Atkins is an old shrew. You have no idea what I’ve been through to convince that woman who doesn’t even know what a book looks like to donate her books to my library...” She said to you and she continued talking. Wether Mrs Atkins was a hunter you couldn’t possibly know. But Mrs Feegs didn’t like her one bit. And she kept talking about that for hours. She told you about that woman ,Mrs Atkins, and how did she manage to get her books. The woman really liked to talk a lot. She even told you how she decided to open this library. Apparently it was a childhood dream. Which didn’t make sense to you cause opening a library now wouldn’t be a very good investment since the internet exists. But Mrs Feegs said that she wasn’t interested in an investment she had a lot of money already. She just wanted to open a place for those who still wanted to hold a book in their hands and smell the scent of paper. You couldn’t argue with that. After all you were one of those people. So the time went by quite pleasantly as Mrs Feegs was talking all the time and she didn’t let you get lost in your thoughts again. Mostly she was being mean about almost everybody. She was a very eccentric woman. Soon you understood it was her style to be crancy. You didn’t really mind. She seemed to like you. You liked her too. She had something unique and feisty. Something you don’t see in a lot of people at her age. So you didn’t realise how time went by as you were putting book by book on the selves. You spotted some of them that needed repairs and you offered to do them yourself. Anything to keep you busy. After all you repaired all the books back when you were still hunting.Mrs Feegs was surprised but she agreed. And you were feeling better. Until you got your hands on one book you knew all too well. You held it. You run your hand on the cover. Memories started coming back to you. You remembered the first time you read that book... You were sitting in your room and Sam knocked on your door to ask you on a date. A date that never happened because Cas showed up all bloody... You run your fingers on the cover again and remembered how nervous you were. The pain in your chest was back and your throat started closing again. You closed your eyes and two thick teardrops run down your cheeks and fell on the book. You needed a moment. You went down the ladder with the book on your hands and sat on a chair. Mrs Feegs was searching for another book at the other side of the library she could see you but you were basically alone. You hugged the book and closed your eyes again as tears were flooding them. And all you could think about was how much you wanted Sam to be here. How much you loved him. Your heart started beating painfully again. You would get lost in your memories when Mrs Feegs came to you from behind. She carried tea for both of you and she put the tray on the desk next to you.

“ Are you allright,Dear?” She asked moving to sit in front of you. You raised your head to look at her. You wiped off the tears. You were surprised you didn’t feel embarassed crying in front of her. You knew that your voice would tremble now so you took a moment and swallowed hard before you spoke.

“ Yeah...It’s just...That book means a lot to me...” You said brushing the cover with your thumb. You felt your eyes getting wet again.

“ You can have it...” She told you pouring some tea from the teapot to your cup and hers.

“ No...Thank you...” You said and she looked surprised. “ I have my copy...” You continued and she understood that something else was going on. She passed you the cup and some sugar without saying anything but you started talking on your own. You weren’t sure why. Maybe because you really needed to talk to someone or maybe because she seemed so kind to you. You weren’t sure. But the tears came back when you spoke again. “ It reminds me of the man I love...” The pain started spreading form your heart to the rest of your chest. You realised there was no point in trying to stop the tears. Mrs Feegs had most certainly seen them and you couldn’t stop them.

“ Where is he?” Mrs Feegs asked with a serious and determined voice you haven’t heard so far. It was soft and kind but it had nothing of the crancy woman she was minutes ago. She sat on a chair opposite from you waiting for your answer. You raised your head and took a deep breath trying to calm down but it didn’t really work.

“ We had a fight yesterday...And he left...” You said and your voice cracked at the last word. You couldn’t control it and it brought even more tears in your eyes. “ I told him things I didn’t mean and... I hurt him... And he left...” You continued in a trembling voice.

“ Is that it?” She asked calmly but with a tone that meant that this was not that bad. You raised your head and looked at her confused.Sure you didn’t tell her about the proposal but wasn’t what you said enough? How could it not be that bad. Sam was gone. It was that bad. But she continued ignoring your puzzled look. “ People get in fights all the time...Especially when they love each other...” She said and reached for your hand. You didn’t resist you allowed her to take your hand in her warm and tired ones. And somehow that made you feel good like you could let it all out. And you left a sob as you were unable to control it. She brushed your hand a little and spoke again. “ Do you love him?” She asked you. And the answer was on your lips.

“ More than I can say...” You said and it was true. Cause no word in the world could cover what Sam meant to you and how much you loved him. And how painful it was for you the fact that he left. But Mrs Feegs continued.

“ Does he love you?” Your mind travelled back the night you got fired and he was holding you in his arms. Tears flooded your eyes. Memories of him saying that he loved you. The ring you left back home. And then to the fight you had and Sam leaving. Thick teardrops left your eyes once more and you answered in a breaking voice.

“ More than I deserve...” Because in your heart that’s how you were feeling. And you realised that was the reason you really couldn’t call. Because you didn’t believe you deserved Sam to listen to you. You felt your heart breaking in million pieces. But Mrs Feegs spoke again immediately.

“ Hey...” She said trying to get your attention. And she did get your attention as her voice was more agressive. You raised your head and looked at her with tears still leaving your eyes and she spoke again with the same aggression in her voice. “ Don’t you ever say that again! Do you understand? Never!” She said and her tone was serious just like her expression. You just stared at her surprised. Your eyes wide open and wet. “ Everyone! **Everyone** makes mistakes...” She continued with a softer voice but with the same determination. “ **That doesn’t mean we are unworthy of love!** The point is how we deal with those mistakes...Wether we learn from them and try and make things right...” She concluded tapping your hand giving you a smile before letting your hand go. You took a deep breath and wiped your tears.

“ Yeah...I guess you’re right...” You chuckled in a trembling voice. She got up and poured some more tea in her cup.

“ Of course I’m right...” She said and her voice returned to the same old crancy tone. “ I’m over seventee years old. I know a thing or two!” You smiled at her and she smiled back. “ But don’t dare ask me exactly how old I am!” She said waving her finger at you in a fake-threatening manner. You chuckled but you knew that she really wouldn’t appreciate the question. Without realising it your tears had stopped. Mrs Feegs looked at her watch and turned to you.

“ Won’t you look at the time! It’s late! We should go!” She said.

“ Right...” You replied and got up sniffing and took the books that needed to be repaired in your hands.

“ Before you go...” Mrs Feegs spoke again and turned to look at you. Her voice was serious and determined again. You looked at her waiting for her to continue. “ Would you like to work here as a librarian?” The question surprised you. The books almost fell from your hands. You shook your head a bit unsure if you heard right! She was offering you a job. And not just any job. A job you’d love to do. You chuckled nervously not sure how to reply. Your head was screaming to say yes but instead you made a question.

“ Don’t you want someone experienced?... I’ve never worked in a library before...” You said cause the truth is you wanted to be completely honest with her. But your heart was beating like a drum thinking that she’d reconsider her offer but instead she answered.

“ Nonsense! You know your way around books and you’re a good girl. I assure you there are not many people I like in this world! Probably because I’m surrounded by idiots!” She said and you chuckled though she wasn’t really kidding. “ I can find someone experienced but I prefer someone who loves books and offers to help voluntarily...” She said and you were sure this was about the truck driver from before. But you smiled genuinely for the first time since last night and answered.

“ When do you want me to come in tommorow?” You asked excited.

“ Untill the library opens it would be nice if you could help me put the books in place. So tomorrow afternoon when the next ruck arrives would be splendid!” She said to you with a smile. You smiled back and you were feeling so happy you actually found another job. And one you’d love to do! If only Sam was here. And you could share it with him...

You said goodnight to Mrs Feegs and with the books in your hands you started heading home. And all you could think about was Sam. How much you loved him. And how much you didn’t mean what you said to him. You were feeling hurt because you hurt him. You took a deep breath. You couldn’t go on like that. You didn’t want to wait for when Sam would be home to tell him you were sorry. To explain him that you never wanted him to leave. You looked at the books in your hands walking down the street. You had to repair these by tomorrow but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered more than Sam. You had to go find him. So you started making plans. You had to go straight home and pick up a few clothes. You’d pick a few clothes for Sam too. He left without taking anything with him so he’d probably need some clothes. You’d take the books with you and repair them there. You had to do it since you promised. Wherever there was. Cas didn’t tell you exactly were they were. You suspected your old home or rather the place that will always be your home. You had to call Cas and know for sure. And of course you understood that you probably wouldn’t be back by tomorrow and you’d lose your dream job. But you didn’t care. It hurt you but it wasn’t more important than Sam. You kept making plans in your head about what clothes you should take and stuff like that as you were getting your keys and opened the door to your home. You turned around and closed the door behind. It should be all dark in here. You closed all the lights before leaving. And yet there was a flickering light coming from the kitchen. No! No! No! Fire? You thought you didn’t leave anything on when you left! What! Did you forget the oven? You threw the books not sure where and you run to the kitchen to put out the fire if you could. But the flickering light wasn’t caused by fire. Or rather it was but not the dangerous kind. There were candles lit on the table, a full meal and two plates. And Sam was standing next to the table looking at you with his suit on and the little box close to his hand on the table! Your heart skipped a bit. Your mouth wide open for the few seconds it took Sam to talk to you.

“ Now...Will you let me do this right...?” He asked and his voice was calm low and slightly gruff. He was nervous and he was looking at you like he wasn’t sure if you’d let him do this or not. If you would actually let him propose or yell because in his mind you could be mad at him because he left. But he was wrong. You weren’t mad at him. You were mad at yourself. And as he was standing in front of you looking in your eyes you felt your heart beating painfully. Your throat closing. Everything you were feeling these past two days crushing you. Your eyes started burning and before you knew it thick teardrops started crossing your cheeks. You opened your mouth and answered.

“ Do you still wanna do it?” You asked in a breaking voice as teardrops were leaving your chin. And with that question you looked in his eyes and showed him how sorry you were showing him that you didn’t believe he should want to propose after the way you treated him. You felt that sharp pain in your chest again as Sam opened his mouth and answered.

“ Yeah... Of course I do...” He said determined and his voice was softer now. He was not so nervous either. He looked surprised and hurt by your tears. He couldn’t understand how could you possibly think that he didn’t want to do this. And with his answer you felt part of that burden in your chest lifting. Your vision got blurry and you left a sob. Sam moved close to you fast and you wrapped your arms around his neck as he was wrapping his around your waist. You burried your face in his shoulder crying unable to stop it. He pulled you closer holding you as tight as possible and you heard his voice in your ear.

“ I’m so sorry I left...” He said and his voice was low and gruff and you could hear guilt and regret in it. But before he could say anything else you spoke again.

“ I’m so sorry for the way I treated you...I didn’t mean what I said...I never wanted you to leave...” You said and as you were still crying your voice trembled. You held him tighter and concluded. “ I’m so sorry...” Your voice broke this time and it tailed down to a wipser before a new wave of tears came over you and you couldn’t say another word.

“ I know...” He said and his voice was low and steady. He brushed your back a bit and he continued. “ I know you had a hard time and I’m so sorry...I made it worse...” His voice broke and he paused for a second before continuing his sentence. You could hear the guilt and the pain in his voice. He was feeling sorry that he left when he knew you needed him. When he knew you were already going through a lot and he made it worse by leaving you. He knew that losing your job was too much for you and he left when you needed him the most. He was blaming himself for that because he should have been there for you no matter what. You could understand his point of view but you never thought of it that way.You left a small sob and you pulled him closer if that was possible. You knew you made him leave. You pissed him off. You hurt him as much as he hurt you by leaving.And you were feeling as guilty as he did. You pulled back and looked at him with tears still in your eyes.

“ I’m so sorry I gave **you** a hard time...” You said and your voice was trembling. You were looking straight into his eyes. A few thick teardrops left your eyes again and you spoke. “ Do you forgive me?” You asked and your voice broke and tailed to a wisper as you were asking the man you loved to forgive you for hurting him. Your heart was beating slow and hard. Sam answered immediately.

“ Of course I do...” He said and his voice was steady and his expression determined. He looked at you like forgiving you was the only think he could possibly do. Like what you said to him, the way you treated him wasn’t even that important. But you didn’t feel that way. You believed that if he chose not to forgive you he’d be aboslutely justified. But Sam felt this way about leaving you when you were having such a hard time. You saw his determination turn to doubt before speaking again. “ Do **you** forgive **me**?” He asked and his voice was breaking and you saw his eyes getting slightly wet. Your heart flattered in your chest because you already knew the answer.

“ Of course I do...” You said in a breaking voice leaving another tear. You said it just like he did. Like there was nothing else you could possibly do. You loved him so much. How could he even think that you wouldn’t forgive him no matter how much he hurt you.You raised your hands once you finished your sentence and placed them on his neck brushing the back of his hair. He immediately moved closer and pressed his lips on your swollen from crying ones wrapping his arms around you. You moved yours and wrapped them around his neck again as you were moving your lips against his. Your heart was flattering in your chest and the burden you had was gone. A thick teardrop found its way to your chin before you pulled back. You rested your head on Sam’s shoulder as he was holding you tight. “ I love you so much, Sam...” You said and your voice was steady but low. You closed your eyes as the words were coming out of your mouth because the love you had for him was so great.

“ I love you too” He said and kissed your head. He held you there for a few more seconds and you could here his heartbeat rising. You pulled back as he spoke again. “ (Y/N), I don’t want to be with you only when everything is good, and you have a job and everything is fine...” He started saying and he moved his hand as he was talking about your job as an example. “ I wanna be with you when everything is good...” He paused for a second. “ And when all hell breaks loose...” He said and took a deep breath before going on. “ So...” He said and reached for the table and took the box in his hands and opened it and got the ring out. He held it in the space between you. Only inches from both of you. You were looking at the ring but when he spoke again you locked your eyes on his. “ (Y/N) (L/N)...” His voice was slightly trembling again and he was nervous. “ Will you marry me?” He said finally and he looked in your eyes like he wasn’t absolutely sure of the answer he’d get. He was breathing deeply trying to hide his nervousness. Your heart exploded bringing a smile to your face and more tears to your eyes.

“ Damn right I will...” You said as a thick teardrop left your eyes again. Sam chuckled in happiness and relief. You raised your hand smiling to a smiling Sam and he carefully placed the ring on your finger. Once he was done you wrapped slowly your hands around his neck as he was pressing his lips on yours before wrapping his arms around you too. You pulled him closer in a very passionate and tender kiss as he was holding you tight. You run your fingers between his hair and he slowly moved his hands to your hips and with a carefull move he lifted you up without breaking the kiss as much as that was possible. You pulled back feeling your heart beating in all your body. Sam chuckled and you saw a small tear running down his face. A tear Sam didn’t realise he left. You moved your hand and you wiped it carefully caressing his cheek.

“ I love you...” He said in a steady voice.

“ I love you too...” You said in a low voice too. You moved your fingers through his hair again and pulled him in for another kiss even more passionate. Sam broke the kiss and looked at you with a mischievious smile.

“ Shall we take this upstairs?” He asked. You bit your lip and answered.

“ Yeah...” You said with a grin before he kissed your lips again.

He carried you upstairs back to your bedroom, and he layed you on your bed and you had sex. Maybe the best of your times together. It was very passionate and at some points rough. You felt losing your world around you and control over your body. You couldn’t remember and you couldn’t realise wether you were quiet or not. You were lost in the sensation. You must have been moaning, you enjoyed it way to much. After you were done it took you a few moments to remember where you were. You realised you were breathing heavily and you were really sweaty. So was Sam whom you were holding in your arms with your fingers in his hair which you pulled several times before. When both your breaths returned back to normal Sam lifted himself and lied next to you.

“ Wow...” You said still breathless without realising the words coming out of your mouth. Sam chuckled pleased with himself and reached your hand with his hand and brushed your fingers lightly to make you turn around and hug him. You smiled and turned lying on his chest. He kissed the top of your head. “ I love you...” You said in a low voice.

“ I love you too...” He said and held you a little tighter. You saw the ring on your finger as your hand was lying on Sam’s chest. You started recreating in your mind one of the happiest moments in your life. And you stood at one point. You raised your head and looked at Sam.

“ When you said when all hell breaks loose you didn’t mean it literally ,right? You asked with a smile joking with Sam. Of course he didn’t mean it literally. But in your life those words mean a lot...

“ No...” He chuckled and then in a serious voice he continued. “ But even then...” He said and he looked at you. You looked back at him understanding what he meant. You smiled gently and with a deep low voice and a serious tone you answered.

“ Even then...” You said meaning exactly what he did. That you’d be there for each other no matter what. Hunters or not... You loved each other so much and in the end that was all that mattered. He leaned and pressed his lips on yours in a tender kiss. You broke the kiss and lied comfortably on his chest. You closed your eyes feeling so happy... He kissed your head and he rested his head on yours. He held you tighter and you both started falling asleep. You both drifted off holding each other tight sharing all those feelings that could not be shared with words...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll post the next chapter as soon as possible!


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically getting ready...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter inspired by this song :  
> Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not - Thompson Square

You woke up feeling Sam’s hand rubbing yours. You opened your eyes slowly. You saw his tall figure but your eyes were blurry. You smiled blinking a few times to clear your vision. You looked at him again. He was smiling back. He was already dressed. He was still brushing your fingers. You moved yours though they felt weak since you just woke up and slowly and gently brushed his.

“ Hey...” He said with a calm voice.

“ Hey...” You answered burrying your hand in his. It was a beautiful moment. Sam was just holding your hand playing with your ring and you were brushing his fingers. You were still feeling tired but you didn’t really care. You wanted to stay with Sam for the rest of the day. The rest of the day...! Oh ! How did you forget about that? You had to go to work! And the books! Where were the books! You had them with you when you walked in but you didn’t remember what you did with them. Your eyes opened wide and your heart skipped a beat. Sam looked at you confused. Instead of an answer to his puzzled look you raised your eyes and looked at him in some short of panic.

“ What time is it?” You asked looking at him. He raised his hand and checked his watch.

“ Ten...” He answered looking back at you still confused. Ten... It’s not late but you had to get up soon. You brushed your face with your hand to force you to wake up.

“ I have work to do...” You said mostly talking to yourself to motivate you to get up trying to remember where you left the books.

“ Work?” Sam asked still confused. He didn’t want to make you feel bad but he couldn’t help his confusion. For all he knew you both had the day to do whatever you wanted. Sam had the day off and you...Well you had every day off. You raised your head and looked at him and you remembered you didn’t tell him what happened. He didn’t know about Mrs Feegs or the library. You lied back and got more comfortable. After all you weren’t in that much hurry.

“ Yeah...” You answered with a calm voice smiling gently at him. “ Yesterday...” You hesitated for a second. You didn’t know where to begin but you continued. “ I was feeling like I was suffocating in here...” And you looked at him straight in his eyes. He was looking back at you as he was getting a glimpse of how awful you were feeling the day before. “ I decided to go for a walk. And I stumbled upon that cranky old lady, Mrs Feegs...” You chuckled at the memory. “ She was carrying some books in the old library. I offered to help her get the books inside and then I helped her put them on the selves... And she ended up offering me a job as a librarian...” You said brushing Sam’s fingers while talking. He was listening at you carefully. He looked surprised for a second.

“ (Y/N), That’s great!” He said surprised by how sudden that was and why you didn’t tell him earlier. “ That explains the books I found on the floor...” He said smiling at you. So apparently you threw the books when you walked in on the floor after all...

“ Yeah... She wants me to repair them today...” You said again mostly talking to yourself. “I’d take them with me...” You started saying but Sam interrupted you.

“ With you?” He asked. His expression still a confused one. You looked at him a little surprised by the question. You didn’t realise the words coming out of your mouth. You were talking about the night before. Your mind travelled back to you opening the door thinking you had to go and find Sam.

“ Right...” You said in a low and serious voice. You took a deep breath and looked at Sam serious. He was staring back at you waiting for your answer. “ Yesterday...when I walked in, the plan was for me to pack a few clothes and go find you...” You said in a serious tone because you knew where this question would lead.

“And the job?...You said you had to repair them by today...” Sam asked serious too. He understood that if nothing else you couldn’t be sure if you’d be back by today. And he realised much like you did last night that not being here would make you most likely lose the job. And the word library made him understand that you were talking about your dream job. Somewhere inside you wanted to avoid this conversation. You didn’t want him to feel guilty that because he left you would lose one of the greatest jobs you could have ever found. You knew that he shouldn’t feel guilty at all. You had to make up for what you said to him.

“ I know...” You said in a calm voice. He took his eyes from you and locked them on the wall in front of him. You read the guilt in his expression. He was angry with himself. You shook your head a little and you reached for his hand. He looked back at you as you were brushing his fingers. “ I love you so much, Sam...” You started explaining. “ We gave up hunting, the only life we actually knew , because we didn’t want to lose each other... You think I wouldn’t give up a random job for you?...” You said and you meant it. You lifted yourself and burried your head in his shoulder. Your hand still in his hand. You lifted your head again and looked at him. He looked back at you and then he moved his hands and hugged you. You burried yoursellf in his chest.

“ I know you would...” He said in a low and slightly gruff voice. “ And so would I...” And that’s exactly why he could never ask you not to do this for him. Because he would do the same for you. He was still feeling guilty though but the only think he could do was to make sure you wouldn’t have to choose again between him and the job. Because he knew that you would always choose him just like he would always chose you.He pulled back a little to look at you and he continued. “ Neither hunting...” He said and moved his hand like he was using hunting as an example. “ or any other job...comes before you...” He pulled you back in his hug. You knew that... of course you did. Just like he did. But like you told him before, it doesn’t hurt hearing it too. After all you can’t take anything for granted. How will someone you love so much know you love them so much if you don’t tell them and show them. And such a sacrifise might have seemed too much to anyone else. But not to you. You’ve been through so much. And you’ve tried so hard not to lose each other. Physically and emotionally... Of course no job was coming before you two... You lifted your head and smiled at Sam. He smiled back. “ I love you...” He said and kissed your lips briefly.

“ I love you too...” You answered moving your hands on his neck brushing his hair. You pulled him in for another passionate kiss. You pulled back and held his left hand. You looked at the watch. Sam was watching you a little confused. You smiled to the watch once you read the time and moved your hand across Sam’s arm to get to his neck. “ I have some time...” You said smiling moving your hand from Sam’s neck to his chest and started unbuttoning his shirt.

“ In that case...” He said smiling and kissed your lips pushing you back with his body to lie on the bed. You unbottoned the last button. Your breaths started getting heavy. Sam freed himself of his shirt throwing it away breathing heavily too. He kissed your neck firmly and you run your hands on his back. It was passsionate and rough sex that left you both breathless once more after you were done. Sam lied next to you and you burried yourself in his chest as he was wrapping his arms around you. He couldn’t keep his eyes open for long. He fell asleep. You just lied there for a while feeling his breaths deep and slow as his chest was moving up and down in his sleep. His body was radiating heat that made you feel even more comfortable in his arms. It was a cold morning. You didn’t want to get up. You really didn’t. You just wanted to stay there and hold him. But you had to. You carefully moved his left arm and turned to see the watch on his wrist. It was time to get up. You couldn’t delay it any longer. You run your fingers through his and kissed his palm softly. You closed your eyes as you were feeling so affectionate and so unnwilling to leave. You placed his hand on his chest as gently as possible and freed yourself from his other arm which you also placed in his chest. You stayed there for a couple of minutes just watching him sleep. You run your hands through his hair and gently pushed your lips on his. You got up and found your clothes. You also picked up Sam’s clothes and left them on the bed so that he could find them.

You got dressed and went down the stairs. You saw the books on the living room table. You had to get to work but you wanted to eat something first. But you resisted the temptation and went straight to the books. You opened them all one by one and estimated the work that had to be done and how long it would take you to do it. You got up and this time you went straight to the kitchen feeling famished. You hadn’t eaten a decent meal in two days. And apparently Sam knew that because when you walked in the kitchen he had already made breakfast. You smiled at the pile of sandwiches, the cake from the bakery in the corner, coffee... That’s why he was up before you. You stood there for a minute and just stared at all the things he did for you. You felt your heart beating harder as you were feeling so much love for him and grattitute for your luck to have him. You were so happy. And as you were lost in your thoughts you felt Sam’s arms around you. Hugging you. And you turned around without talking or looking at him and you burried your head in his chest closing your eyes. He wrapped his arms around you and he kissed your forehead. You pulled back and he kissed your lips. He broke the kiss and smiled at you pleased you liked the breakfast he made you. You both sat on the table and ate talking about all sorts of stuff. Apparently teaching Cas how to fix his car wasn’t an easy job. Sam found him trying to fix it when he got there. You couldn’t help but laugh and the more Sam was talking about it the more you laughed.

After you were done with your breakfast you went to repair the books. Sam hadn’t finished his coffee yet. So he sat next to you watching you work. After he was done he helped you and you finished faster than you expected. It was lunch time though and you two hadn’t cooked anything. You cooked something fast and ate and then you lied together on the couch. You were feeling sleepy so you set an alarm on your phone to wake up in time if you did fall asleep. Sam had your legs on his lap brushing your shins. You looked at the ring on your hand. It’s been a wonderful morning but now you started thinking about that ring. You were getting married! The moment Sam asked you and even after...even before...what you had in mind was living your life with him. Which of course you wanted so much. But there is also the pactical aspect of this. The wedding. You have to organise a wedding. The thought upset you. Your heart was beating faster as you were realising that you had to decide how you wanted to get married **and** make it happen. And you couldn’t help but feel like this was too much. Normally every couple would be so excited about getting married. Excited about organising a wedding. But you didn’t feel so excited. The hunter inside you was screeming that marriage itself was a luxury. Let along a luxurious wedding. You didn’t know many hunters that got married. That they even had the chance. But those you knew didn’t make a fuss about it. And you didn’t feel like you wanted to make a fuss about it either. A small wedding with just the few people you knew and loved, Jody, Cas...felt right to you. Felt calm and even...appropriate...if that’s a suitable word. Maybe if you had led a normal life you’d want a big wedding. But now that felt unfamiliar...almost hostile. You didn’t want that. You definetely didn’t want that.

“ Hey...” Sam’s voice reached you. It was calm and soft. You turned your head and looked at him. “ Are you all right?” He asked concerned but calm. He saw you lost in your thoughts and you probably had a scared expression on your face. You looked at him and you hesitated a second but you spoke.

“ We’re getting married...” You said still lost in your houghts a bit. “ We’re gonna have a wedding...” You added swallowing hard.

“ Yeah...I guess...” Sam said confused. He was looking at you with a puzzled expression. Normally those words should come out of your mouth with excitement. But you sounded nervous. You looked at Sam once more and this time your face revealed your nervousness.

“ Do we really have to do this?” You asked and though your voice was calm your words sounded more like begging. You were looking at Sam waiting for his answer. He moved uncomfortably on the couch without looking at you. He stopped brushing your shins. His expression was still a confused one but he was nervous too now. He looked at you and he spoke.

“ Are you having second thoughts?” He asked and his voice though calm and warm had a tone of nervousness and doubt. He looked at you like he wasn’t sure of the answer he’d get. It took you a second to realise what he thought. You spoke again immediately.

“No!” You said as fast as you could to reassure him. Your expression showing some fear. The last thing you wanted was for Sam to think you were having second thoughts. “ That’s not what I meant.” You continued lifting yourself so you could burry your hand in Sam’s hand. “ I was talking about the wedding... We don’t have to have a big wedding and all...We can just have our closest friends...Cas, maybe Jody...And that would be enough...” You said. Sam relaxed hearing your answer. You could see he was relieved and you felt him brushing your shins again but with small moves now as he was lost in his thoughts.

“ Actually...It won’t...” He said and looked at you. His confindence restored in his voice. “ I mean if we were still hunting...yeah...but now...” He said and moved his hand indicating you had no other choice. “ Think about it... There are so many people in our lives that know we are not married... Having something that close will make them suspicious...” He said and he was right. You didn’t think about that but Sam had a point. If you had a small wedding people would ask why. That would raise suspision and it could even lead to you being investigated. And that would be a disaster to the whole leaving a normal life thing. You both knew that every official paper you had was far from authentic. You took a deep breath and looked at him again.

“ You’re right...” You said feeling nervous about the upcoming wedding. Sam was looking at you and he spoke again. He knew what was bothering you.

“ ( Y/N), We don’t have to do anything extreme... Just a simple wedding...” He smiled to you. That didn’t really convince you. You looked back at him still nervous. He hesitated for a second and then he continued. “ Besides, we don’t have to do it alone... Jody could help...” He said looking back at you. Jody... Of course...She could help. You didn’t have to do it alone... Now that sounded good. You felt relaxed now. You trusted Jody... Some of the stress you were feeling was gone and you found yourself smiling at the thought.

“ Yeah...Yeah...You’re right...” You said calmly. Sam smiled with relief. He wasn’t sure what he said would calm you down.

“ And I’ll ask Cas to be my bestman...” He continued getting lost in his thoughts again. Cas would be the best man. That was nice. And the only person you felt you wanted to be the bestman. And apparently Sam was feeling the same way.

“ Maybe you should go tell him in person...” You said thinking out loud. Sam looked at you confused. You smiled and explained. “ Someone has to explain him what a bestman is...” Sam chuckled.

“ You’re right...” He said. You smiled and he leaned and pressed his lips on yours for what was supposed to be a brief kiss. But you run your hands through his hair resting them on his neck and moved your lips against his pulling him closer. You took your legs off his lap after breaking the kiss and burried yourslef in his chest and he wrapped his arms around you. You stayed there until it was time for you to get ready. You got up you got ready and you were checking the books one last time before leaving when Sam called you from the kitchen coming to the living room.

“ (Y/N)...” He said getting close to you. He was dressed too.

“ Yeah...” You said turning to face him taking the books in your hands.

“ I’m leaving for Cas...I’ll pick you up from work on my way back... I love you...” He said and kissed your lips. You broke the kiss and smiled.

“ I love you too” You said and kissed him once more and he left for Cas. Cas being the bestman did make you feel more comfortable about the whole thing. He was a good friend. And apparently you wouldn’t be the only one feeling uncomfortable. You’d have each other. But thinking of the wedding now you felt a sparkle of excitement. You smiled to yourself and left.

You went to work and gave the books to Mrs Feegs who was surprised to see you. Apparently she didn’t expect you to show up that day. She believed you would go and find Sam. And she wasn’t wrong. You were going to. But as you explained her he found you first. She spotted your ring immediately and you told her. She padded your shoulder and she congratulate you sincerely with the tone she used the day before when you were talking about Sam. And then she returned to her cranky self and told you you were probably making the most wonderful mistake of your life. You couldn’t help but laugh although you didn’t agree. Wonderful, yes...Mistake, No... You brought the new books inside and you put them on the selves. Sam called you at some point asking what time he should pick you up and Cas took the opportunity and not really sure what do people say on these occasions he congratulated you. You felt so moved as you could hear he was really happy for you and Sam. Sam came to pick you up relatively late as you asked him since you had a lot of work to do and some knew books to repair which he insisted on carrying to the car. He met Mrs Feegs who was extra formal with him checking him just like she did with you when she first met you. He took the books to get them to the car and he left you alone with Mrs Feegs. She chuckled and said. “ Well... You got yourself a wonder wench...” You chuckled too at the sound of this expression and you answered feeling filled with love for the man that was waiting for you outside. “ Yeah...Yeah...I do...” You left and got into the car. Sam drove home and you had another amazing night with Sam. At least until the sheriff called ruining your plans to visit Jody. Apparently there was a new case and the sheriff needed help so he cut Sam’s week off short promising he would let him take the remaining days off the next week. But for this one he had to work Saturday too. You didn’t like the sound of that. Every case sounded to you like it could be a case. But you decided to visit Jody alone and Sam promised he’d call you if something was really going on. So you packed your stuff and left on Friday night after work. It was one of the times you felt you really didn’t want to leave Sam behind but you couldn’t postpone it. Mrs Feegs told you that she’d have the opening party for the library next week so you couldn’t visit Jody then and after that it would go way back. So you drove to Jody’s and though it was kind of late you saw the light on. You knocked and Jody was on the door in no time. She opened it and...

“(Y/N)!” She said surprised. You didn’t tell her you were visiting you meant it to be a surprise.

“Jody!” You said smiling excited to see her. She moved and hugged you and you hugged her back.

“ Where is Sam?” She asked pulling back.

“ He had work to do so I came alone...” You answered as she was stepping aside to let you walk in.

“ All right then, girls’ night it is” she chuckled. “ We were just having dinner. I’ll put another plate...” She said and moved to the kitchen. You moved to the dinning table and greeted Claire and Aex. Jody brought another plate and you sat and had dinner with them. You wanted to surprise her with the news about getting married but Alex noticed your ring as you were eating.

“ Nice ring...” She said with no further comment. You doubted she understood what it was but Jody did and she looked at you intensely for a few seconds.

“Thanks...” You said smiling and Jody smiled too casually and you all returned to dinner. It was only after dinner when Claire and Alex went upstairs Jody brought it up. She brought two glasses of wine for you and her and she sat next to you on the couch.

“ So...Are we gonna talk about the ring or what?” She said giving you one glass. You took it and smiled at her. And your smile was so big.

“ Actually that’s why I came...” You started with a warm and slightly low voice. “ I wanted to ask you if you wanted to be my maid of honor and help me organise the wedding...” You said and looked at her smiling with anticipation. Jody was frozen for a few seconds her eyes locked on yours. And suddenly she screamed.

“OH MY GOD! YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED!!!!” She said with a huge smile. She pulled you in for a hug and you hugged her back. “ Congratulations!!!” She said in a slightly lower voice. She pulled back and added. “ And of course I’ll be your maid of honor...” She said loudly again with excitement like you didn’t have to ask. You smiled at her and continued.

“ And I was thinking maybe Claire and Alex could be my bridesmaids...” You said hesitantly not sure if they’d like that. But you heard Alex’s voice from the stairs.

“ That’s cool...” She said and she emerged from the staircase with Claire joining you on the couch. “ But no pink...” She added.

“ No pink...I promise...” You rushed to reassure her smiling. And then you noticed Jody looking at them angrily. Probably because they were eavesdropping. Claire looked at her and spoke.

“ What? We were curious...” She said. Probably Jody would fight about that any other day. But at this moment it didn’t really matter. There was a small pause and then Jody screamed excited and hugged you again. Claire and Alex laughed.Your heartbeat was faster as you were feeling more and more excited. You smiled with content looking around. This was a rare beautiful moment. And at that moment you knew that. And the smile on your face was for the people you had next to you.

You stayed with Jody for the weekend. You drove back home on Sunday night. You got home and made your way to your room. You expected to find Sam there since he was in no other room. But once you walked in the room was empty. And then you heard the water running in the bathroom. He was taking a shower. You smiled to yourself and decided to join him. You made sure to announce your presence first so that you wouldn’t scare him. Because having led a life of hunting for so long surprises weren’t always that welcome. So you showered together and then you moved to the bed. And you had another wonderful night. Sam pulled you in his arms and you rested your head on his chest. Feeling every breath he was taking as you were falling asleep. In the morning Sam got up before you to make breakfast. You woke up too a few minutes after him and you found him in the kitchen. You had to leave for work early that day. Sam had at least an hour before going to work. So you ate something fast as Sam was making coffee. You got up to leave when Sam handed you a cup of coffee and spoke.

“ Here’s your coffee...” He said putting the cup in your hands.

“ Thank you...” You said and had a sip. You swallowed and sighed with content. It was a cold morning and the coffee was comfortably hot. Sam chuckled before speaking again.

“( Y/N), I was thinking of asking Danny to be a groomsman...” He said. You raised your head and looked at him surpised.

“ Are you sure?” You asked him smiling. “ I mean Danny is... Danny...” You said and you knew that this needed no further explanation.

“ Yeah...I know...” He started saying. “ But he is our friend...” He said not sure how to continue. Being your friend was actually the only reason that could justify Danny being a groomsman.

“ It’s not going to end well...” You chuckled.

“ Yeah...I know...” Sam chuckled too. You took another sip of your coffee and continued.

“ So with Danny we’re gonna need one more...” You said making plans in your head. Sam looked at you a little confused so you spoke again and explained. “ I asked Claire and Alex to be bridesmaids. Jody will walk the aisle alone, Alex can walk with Danny...” You said but Sam finished your sentence before you could.

“ And Claire can walk with Cas...” He said trying to understand why you needed one more. You looked at him and took a deep breath.

“ Actually...” You started saying. “ **I** want to walk with Cas...” You explained looking at his eyes with a serious expression on your face. Just like Sam’s your parents were dead. Long ago. You didn’t have a problem walking alone but you wanted it to be Cas. Sam was looking at you as you continued. “ He is our closest friend...For so many years...He was always there...” You said trying to express all the feelings you had for Cas. Trying to explain how close you were feeling him to both of you.

“ Yeah, he was...” Sam said getting lost in his thoughts for a moment. He looked back at you smiling. You smiled back and he spoke again. “ All right... We need one more then...” He said and leaned to kiss your lips. You moved your lips against his in a tender kiss. Sam pulled back and grabbed his phone from the kitchen table. “ I’m gonna call Danny...” He said and moved to the living room with his phone on one hand and his coffee on the other. You chuckled and moved to your room to get ready for work. As you were going down the stairs ready to leave you heard Sam on the phone. You entered the living room as he was ready to explain to Danny what was going on. You moved close to him and he turned to look at you. You leaned and kissed him briefly. Another tender kiss. You run your fingers through his hair before pulling back and told him you were leaving. You got your keys , opened the door and walked out. You closed the door behind you and you heard Danny from the phone.

“ WHAT?!!!” Apparently Sam just explained him what was going on. You smiled to yourself wishing you could stay and went to work.

Once you returned Sam told you it went pretty well. It took him a while to stop Danny once he started blabbering but other than that it went well. You spend the rest of the night resting. And it was a good choice since it was one of the few nights you had to rest in the weeks that followed. You’ve been so busy...even with Jody’s help. And of course there was the opening of the library. Which was delayed becuase Mrs Feegs changed her mind about the computers in her library so you had to add the computers and internet connection. That exhausted you a lot but to your surprise more and more people were already interested in the library. So even before the opening you had a lot of people to help. Even students. Mrs Feegs was very pleased by that and she worked really hard to make the opening night a great one. And it really was great. You thought that after that you’d have a little more free time. But that didn’t go like that. Jody was helping you with everything and it was a great help but there were a few things you still had to do yourself. But she did help you with those too. Like chosing your shoes and underwear. She even helped you and Sam with the guest list which wasn’t too long after all. Something that made you slightly less nervous. And of course you had to think of another groomsman. Sam thought about a guy from work. You met him at the opening of the library. He was the youngest in the police station and from what Sam told you he was always eager to help with everything. But since he was the youngest he often got mocked by the others. And that’s why he liked Sam a lot. He was always willing to give him advice without mocking. You believed Sam was seeing part of himself in him. When Dean and John were going on hunts without him. He was feeling left out just like that kid did. You thought he was a great kid from the moment you met him. And from what you saw at the opening he had the same love for books you did. Sam smiled to you sure you’d get along. And he was right. But since that was settled you focused on other stuff. You and Sam had to pick the venue. It wasn’t a difficult choice. Jody did most of the research and presented you with the three venues she thought you’d like the most. You picked an outdoor one. It made you feel calm. Sam agreed with you. And you both chose the rings. They were beautiful. And you also asked for an engraving. “ _Even when all hell breaks loose_...” The man that looked at the note where you wrote the engraving you wanted looked up to you surprised. “ It’s an...uncommon...engraving...” He said smiling at you. Yes it was uncommon...Just like you were uncommon people leading uncommon lives...And there is no one that could ever understand how much that phrase meant to you and Sam.... After that you had to choose your wedding dress. The choice was really easy for you. You were excited about it and once you saw it you loved it...A day before the wedding you brought it home and hang it somewhere in your bedroom.

You lied on the bed looking at the dress hanging. You were feeling very tired. You were feeling your bed on your back softer than usual. You woke up really early today to make the guest room for Jody, Alex and Claire. Alex and Claire would take the room and Jody would take the couch as she informed you on the phone in the morning. After that you went to pick your dress up. You looked at it again. Maybe you could wear it once. You were alone in the house. Sam went to drive Danny here because the fool managed to break his car a day before the wedding. But that meant that there was no danger of Sam seeing the wedding dress. You slowly got up from the bed and took the dress in your hands. You threw your clothes away and put the dress on letting it cover your legs, even your toes with the full skirt. You walked to the mirror and looked at you. The skirt sparkling discreetly...You looked beautiful. You were looking straight in your eyes serious. You weren’t just seeing you in a wedding dress. You were seeing a hunter in a wedding dress. All the things you’ve been through. All the pain and the danger. The suffering... And looking in the mirror. You saw how lucky you were. And it wasn’t about getting married...it was about having Sam in your life...And you felt your chest filling with gratitude because you had Sam in your life. Because he was there and he loved you. And he loved you so much. Because you were together... And you loved him too. So much. And you felt so grateful for that. Your heart was beating hard. Your eyes got wet to get all this love out. You kept staring in the mirror as two teardrops made their way to your chin... Thinking of Sam and how lucky you were to have him in your life... And lost in your thoughts you heard the door handle and Sam’s voice.

“ (Y/N)...” He started saying opening the door. You panicked. Your eyes looked back at you through the mirror wide open. You interrupted him.

“ DON’T GET IN...” You said loudly already trying to get out of your wedding dress.

“ What?” Sam asked confused leaving the door half open with his hand still on the handle.

“ I’m wearing my wedding dress...” You rushed to explain. “ It’s bad luck...” You chuckled. Sam closed the door. He chuckled too.

“ Bad luck?” He said sarcastically. You were moving frantic to get out of the dress and put it back where you hang it but you heard Sam’s comment and you had one of your own.

“ Yes...” You said getting out of the dress being only in your underwear. “ I think you know all about it...” You chuckled. “ Remind me again how did you lose your shoe...?” You said sarcastically too. You heard Sam chuckling behind the door as you got dressed.

“ Fair enough...” He said in a slightly lower voice. You opened the door and walked out. You kissed his lips briefly and he spoke as you turned around to close the door again. “ Danny and Cas are here...” He said and kissed your lips once more.

You and Sam moved to the stairs. And you heard Cas and Danny from downstairs.

“ And...You are...?” Danny asked Cas probably meaning Cas’ relationship with you and Sam. But Cas hesitated a little and answered.

“ An angel...” He said confused just as you were going down the stairs. Apparently Cas knew Danny knew about you and Sam being hunters and he thought that was the answer he was asking for. You looked at Sam confused and he looked back at you with the same confusion. Danny looked at Cas confused too and then saw you going down the stairs and turned to you with a huge smile.

“ Hey...” He said and moved close to hug you. You hugged him back. He pulled back and pointed discreetly to Cas who was talking with Sam now. “ I think his ego is oversized...” He said and you rolled your eyes. You knew he was actually choosing to believe Cas had a big ego and he was considering himself an angel to those around him. Realising that Cas was an actual angel would be too much for him. And you thought it was better not to tell him the truth. Keep him away from the life. He smiled to you and he spoke again this time with a serious tone. “ Congratulations , Little (Y/N)...” His voice was soft.

“ Thank you...” You answered smiling with a soft voice and a serious tone. He moved to talk to Sam ( probably to ask about snacks...) and Cas moved close to you.

“ Hi...” He said smiling.

“ Hi...” You answered and moved to hug him with a huge smile on your face. You hadn’t seen him for a while. He hugged you back. You pulled back and looked at him. He looked back at you and you knew he was probably the only person that was as nervous as you were for the next day.He’d stay to wait for Claire to see her and then follow Sam and Danny to Matt’s house as he was the only groomsman whose house was close enough. So as it was time for Danny and Sam to leave, Danny asked if he could stay with “ _the girls_ ” and at the same time he was giving you secretly a stripper’s card. You looked at it surprised and you gave it back with a chuckled, wispering to him that you wouldn’t need it. He was disappointed but he was actually expecting that answer. So he went to wait for Sam in the car. Sam kissed you goodbye and held you a little longer in his arms because he knew that now that he was leaving you’d be feeling even more nervous. You closed your eyes burrying yourself in his chest. You pulled back and he gave you one tender kiss before leaving. You stayed with Cas till Jody and the girls arrived. Cas spoke with Claire for a while and then left for Matt’s. You stayed with Jody, Claire and Alex for the next few hours. Had some beers and talked about all kinds of stuff. You laughed a lot and had a lot of fun. You went to sleep relatively early. You walked in your room and sat on the bed. You didn’t feel good to sleep alone. But you didn’t want Jody to sleep with you either. You wanted to sleep with Sam. You wanted him to hold you in his arms and relax you as you were starting getting more and more nervous. The excitement only made you more nervous. You took your phone in your hands wanting to call him. But he was probably having fun at Matt’s and you didn’t want to interrupt. But as you were holding the phone in your hands it rang. You looked at it and it was Sam calling. You picked up as fast as you could relieved you’d talk to him.

“ Hey...” He said.

“ Hey...” You answered.

“ How are you doing there...?” He asked.

“ I just got upstairs... Jody and the girls are still downstairs...” You said with a low and tired voice. You were indeed feeling very tired. “ You?” You asked. Sam chuckled.

“I’m about to head to bed too... Danny is already snoring on the couch and Matt is totaly drunk...” He infromed you. You chuckled too. “ At least I can still talk to Cas...” He said with a chuckle.

“ All right...”You chuckled back. There was a small pause and Sam spoke again with a slightly deeper voice. “ I love you...” He said and you smiled.

“ I love you too...” You said with a deeper voice too. There was another small pause and then Sam spoke again. “ I got to go back... I think Matt is fainting...” He said alarmed a bit. He took a deep breath not sure if this night would end well. “ Good night...” He said chuckling.

“ Goodnight...” You chuckled too and you hung up. You left your phone on the nightstand.You lied on the bed feeling nervous.You stayed there for a few minutes and then you took your phone in your hands again. You set an alarm to be sure you wouldn’t be late in the morning. You lied on your side to sleep but you doubted you’d sleep at all tonight...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took me so long to post this chapter. I have a lot going on these weeks... I'll post the next chapter as soon as possible... Thank you for being patient...


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting married...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired me for this chapter :  
> Are you gonna kiss me or not - Thompson Square  
> You and I - Scorpions ( The dance song...)

Just like you expected you didn’t manage to get much sleep tonight. You were lying on the bed tossing and turning until you finally managed to sleep. You were too nervous and your thoughts were flooding your head. Like every little thing you were worried about on the day that would follow had to be considered now. You tried to just close your eyes and sleep but it didn’t work. At some point you lied on your back and considered calling Sam. But you wouldn’t do it. It was too late and unlike you he was probably able to sleep. But you knew that if you’d call him and tell him that you were nervous and you couldn’t sleep he would talk to you and calm you down but you would cause him to lose sleep too. But to your surprise Just knowing he’d calm you down did calm you down. And you managed to get some sleep. Only for a couple of hours though. You woke up again disappointed to see it was still night. You checked the clock on your nightstand. Early morning. You had about two hours to sleep. You took a deep breath and closed your eyes to sleep again. But once more your thoughts started flooding your head. Would you walk the aisle very slowly? Should you go faster? Will you look horrible in the morning? You didn’t get much sleep after all...You were getting married...You took a deep breath again and a small smile lightened your face. You never thought you’d have this... You and Dean were the kind of people that wouldn’t leave the life and mariage was a luxury that a hunter could never have. And later with Sam when you did leave the life you didn’t even think about it... You never really talked about it with Dean either. You remember sometimes wondering how it would be to get married just like you would wonder how it would be to win the lottery. Totally unrealistic and unecessary. You never had a doubt in your mind that Dean loved you and you didn’t need mariage to tell you he did. Just the rare smile on his face when you’d say something funny was enough... That smile... You formed the picture in your mind. You smiled slightly at the memory... It was morning now. Soon you’d have to get up. You decided you were done sleeping and sat on the bed. You reached for the drawer of your nightstand and got out one of the photos. It was one with Dean alone. You smiled at the photo and your eyes got wet. You felt your heart beating harder with love for Dean. You didn’t get to think about Dean at all those days. You were too busy with everything that your mind simply didn’t have the chance. You ran your finger on the photo. You loved him so much. That would never change. But you loved Sam too. Very very much. Your heart flattered in your chest when you thought of Sam. You were happy! You were really happy... You’d marry the man you loved so , so much. You found yourself smiling at the thought of Sam... You looked at the photo. A tear left your eye as you smiled again. You put the photo back in the drawer and wiped off the tears. You sat on the bed for a couple of minutes and a huge smile on your face formed as you were feeling the excitement and the anticipation of seeing and getting married to Sam. Your heart started beating faster. The love you were feeling made your eyes wet again and your chest ache. And as you were getting lost in your thoughts the door opened and Jody walked in in a hurry. She smiled at you seeing the huge smile on your face.

“ Good! You’re awake...It’s time to get ready...” She said and left the room leaving the door open for you to follow her.

You walked out and you saw that Jody, Claire and Alex had already taken a shower. Jody gave you some towels and she told you to hurry with a big smile on her face as Alex and Claire were making each other’s nails on the couch. You grabbed the towels and hurried to the bathroom. You showered for about half an hour. You knew you had to do it faster but the hot water was very tempting. Once you were done you joined the others on the couch. Jody was talking on the phone to arrange the last little details and she smiled to you excited. You smiled back excited too. There was some nervousness in the air and the constant impression that you had to hurry. You really had more than enough time but the excitement made all of you feel like there were so many things to do that you’d never make it. Truth is Jody was more nervous than you. You just sat back and enjoyed the whole feeling. You were getting married to the man you loved. It was a wonderful day and all the nervousness made you even more excited. Claire helped you with your nails and Jody made your hair. And as she was doing that your phone rang. You saw Sam’s name on the screen and you picked up immediately.

“ Hey...” He said and you smiled at the sound of his voice.

“ Hey...” You answered. “ Are you getting ready?” You asked sure for the answer but you just wanted to talk with him a bit. It was less than twenty four hours since the last time you’ve seen him but you’ve missed him.

“ Not exactly...” He chuckled. You flinched surprised. “ Danny is throwing up and Matt is still sleeping... Cas is trying to take care of both...unnoticed...” He continued and you made a picture in your head that made you laugh.

“ Thanks for your support...” He laughed sarcastically. There was a small pause and then he spoke again. “ Got to go! I have to get ready...” He said. Your smile wider. You felt your heart flattering in your chest. You closed your eyes briefly and spoke.

“ I love you...” You said in a warm voice and a serious tone.

“ I love you too...” He answered in a warm voice and a serious tone too. Your heart left a hard beat and you smiled again before hanging up. You didn’t do anything complicated with your hair. You told Jody you could do it yourself but Jody isnsisted that it would be better if she did it for you. And you enjoyed being the center of attention in the house. You knew you would be the center of attention many times this day for so many people and that didn’t sound so appealing. It made you nervous but you tried not to think about it until the time comes. After you were done with your nails and hair Jody clapped her hands and order all of you to get dressed. She handed you the bag with the underwear you picked and you headed to your room even more excited. You closed the door and put your underwear on. You looked at you in the mirror. You smiled to yourself as you looked sexy. You smiled to yourself and put on the dress. You looked at yourself and you couldn’t help but feel beautiful. You were doing it. You were getting married. You took a deep breath smiling thinking how happy you were feeling. But Jody interrupted your thoughts.

“ (Y/N)! Hurry up...” She yelled from the leaving room bringing back your nervousness and excitement. You looked at yourself again for a second and as you took a few steps you opened your mouth and yelled back.

“ Jody! Shoes!!!” You said hoping she’d bring them to you. You heard Jody’s voice from the living room again.

“Make up first!” She said and you moved to the door and opened it. You walked out and you moved to the stairs. You saw Claire helping Alex with her make up. They were both wearing the light blue dresses you picked for them and they looked so beautiful. Jody’s dress was also light blue but it was different than the other ones. She looked amazing too. You smiled at the sight and you started going down the stairs a little faster than you normaly would. Once they heard your footsteps they turned to look at you. They all smiled and said you were beautiful. You smiled back and without waiting any more time Jody made you sit on the couch and started working on your make up. Once she was done she looked at you satisfied with her work and she spoke again.

“ Great!...Now Jewlery and shoes!!!” She said leaving you to find your shoes. You looked at your hands and changed hand to your engagement ring so that Sam could put your wedding ring on. Just as the doorbell rang. Claire rushed to open the door. It was Cas. He would drive all of you to the venue.

“ Hey...” Claire said stepping aside to let him walk in.

“ Hi...” Cas said smiling clearly happy to see her but not sure how to deal with that. He didn’t want to overeact. He walked in and spoke again. “ Are you ready?” He said scanning the room with his eyes to find you. Once he did he smiled to you and you smiled back for a brief moment before Jody run in the room blocking Cas’ view.

“ Almost...” She declared as she came close to you holding your shoes on her hands. “ You’ll put the veil on when we get there so it won’t bother you in the car...” She said helping you put on your shoes. You got up immediately after that and went straight to your room as fast as you could to put on the jewlery you liked. You moved so fast that no one took a really good look at you. Once you got there you put on the bracelet you wanted and decided you didn’t want a necklass. You turned and looked at you in the mirror fully dressed for the first time. And once again you saw a hunter in the wedding dress. You’ve been through so much... And you felt so greatful and so happy that you had this day. That you and Sam has each other! Your eyes got wet again as your heart was flattering in your chest.You smiled trying to keep the tears inside. You moved to the door and opened it slowly. Though you knew it was time to leave you didn’t want to hurry this up. You opened the door enjoying the feeling you had in your wedding dress. Imagining how Sam would be in his suit. His eyes when he’d look at you... You closed the door behind you and moved to the stairs. You hesitated for a moment and then you raised your head and a small smile formed on your lips as you started going down the stairs. You saw Jody and Alex and Claire looking at you with a smile on their face. And then you saw Cas’ small smile. You locked eyes with him. You could see he was happy for you and Sam. For his best friends. And he was happy you wanted him to be next to you at this moment. That he was so important to both you and Sam to want him next to you this day. You went down the stairs and Jody moved to take the bag with the veil in.

“ You’re beautiful...” Cas said with a slightly gruff voice and a smile on his face.

“ Thank you...” You said offering him a wide and warm smile. Jody returned and everything went back to being nervous and exciting.

“ Time to go...” Jody said with a smile. You all walked out and entered the car. You entered first then Jody then Claire and Alex and finally Cas to the driver’s seat. You took a deep breath and Cas started the car...

You arrived at the park you chose to have your wedding at. You all got out of the car and you went inside to find the indoor facilities. You decided you’d get married outside and have the reception outside too but it was a nice place for you to get ready and you could see the guests arrive from the window. Some were already there... just like Sam. You saw him talking with the sheriff and to your surprise he seemed nervous. You smiled as the love you had for him made your chest ache again.

“ Alright!...” Jody said leaving the bag with the veil on a chair. “ We still have some time...” she continued. You smiled and then looked at Jody and Cas.

“ Who has the rings?” You asked casually.

“ Ah...I do...” Cas said hesitantly not sure if he was supposed to have them or not. You looked at him and smiled .

“ Great...” You said and took a deep breath to calm you down as you started feeling nervous again. And your nervousness only got worse as time went by. A few minutes later when most guests had arrived Jody helped you put the veil on and sent Claire and Alex to find Danny and Matt. Then she looked outside the window excited as you were waiting for everything to start. Soon everyone was there. The band started palying music and the wedding started. You saw Sam waiting down the aisle when Danny started walking down the aisle with Alex. Danny didn’t seem very happy with the arrangement but you saw him smiling at some point and you knew that he was just pretending. He actualy enjoyed Alex’s bitter character and you believed they’d be great friends in the future. Jody kissed your cheek and left to walk down the aisle after Claire and Matt. The sweet looks they were exchanging was a surprise to you that made you smile. You saw Jody getting ready and you knew that soon it would be your turn. You turned and looked at Cas. You knew it was time. It was time to marry Sam. The man you loved. The man that meant so much to you. The man that meant so much to Dean. Dean that loved both of you so much. Your heart left a painfull beat as Dean was coming to your mind again. You swallowed hard. You loved Sam so much. And you were so happy today. And though you knew Dean loved you both so much and that he’d be happy for both of you... somewhere inside you felt a small doubt that preasure and nervousness caused... But you knew Dean. You knew he’d do anything for you and Sam. You knew that the only think he ever wanted was to see you two happy whether he was there or not. Your eyes got wet and your heart left a painful beat. You were still looking at Cas and he looked back at you with his blue eyes. He opened his mouth and spoke. His voice slightly gruff and his tone serious.

“ Dean would be happy for you and Sam...” He knew what you were thinking. You kept looking at him but you weren’t seeing him. Your mind was playing memories in front of you. Dean smiling to you. Dean hugging Sam with the great love he beared for him. Dean telling you that he loved you... Before you knew it your eyes left two thick teardrops without you blinking.

“ I know...” You said with a broken voice. And you did. Of course you did. And Sam did too. He **would** be happy for you and Sam. Because you loved each other and you made each other happy... Your heart flattered lighter in your chest. You heard the music and you looked outside the window to realise that Jody was looking around nervously as Sam was swallowing hard and you realised you were late.You looked at Cas a bit shocked and even more nervous but smiling in anticipation as you felt your love for Sam spread through your chest. “ It’s time...” Cas said. You grabbed his arm with your slightly trembling hand. You took a deep breath to calm down as you both nervously walked outside. You smelled the scent of grass and you saw the gentle sunlight fill the place as your heart was beating faster and faster. And before you knew it you took the first steps down the aisle.

Your heart was beating like a drum and you were feeling so nervous you felt sick. But then you looked in front of you and you saw Sam looking back at you. Everything blurred... Everything but him... His face... His eyes locked on yours. You looked straight into his eyes and he looked straight into yours. Your heartbeat decreased into a slow and strong beat... You loved him so much that it made your heart hurt... your chest ache... Sam’s look was intense and his eyes got wet. You were fighting back tears and yet you found yourself smiling at the stunned expression on his face. He smiled back with a small smile and he was so beautiful. You didn’t realise how fast or slow you were moving down the aisle or who was around... Who was looking at you... You couldn’t even feel Cas holding you. Everything else disappeared. It was just you and him and your non verbal way of saying how much you loved each other. And how happy you were at this moment as you were looking at each other... Holding back your tears turned almost impossible for you. And you saw a thin teardrop leave Sam’s eyes as he smiled at you when you got closer. Your heart was still beating slowly and hard.You smiled back at him as you were in front of him. He held your hand and everything was not that blurry now. You saw Cas moving to stand behind Sam. Sam’s thumb was running circles on your slightly trembling one.You rubbed his hand too gently. You both faced each other and the pastor started speaking. Your eyes were wet and you could barely hold back the tears until it was time for you and Sam to say your vows. Sam spoke first. His eyes locked on yours. Wet just like yours. His voice warm and his tone serious. His voice cracked as he was saying the last words but he continued in the same serious and tender tone. You smiled at him gently, your eyes flooded. You felt the moment getting more intense. Then he took your ring in his hand and you tried to keep your slightly trembling hand steady. He put the ring on your finger as softly as possible and you took your eyes from your hands and looked straight into his eyes. He smiled to you with his eyes wet as you started saying your vows. As you started talking you couldn’t hold back anymore and two thick teardrops left your eyes making their way to your chin. Sam was smiling at you as your heart was beating hard making your chest ache...You took his ring in one hand and then Sam’s hand on the other and gently put the ring on his finger. You smiled to each other in a serious and warm way as this was a unique and tender moment for both of you...

“ You may kiss the bride...” The pastor said and Sam moved close to you with a small smile and his eyes still wet. You put your hands on his neck as he pressed his lips gently but firmly on yours. Your heart skipped a beat as you felt Sam’s hands on your back gently pulling you closer. You pulled back and rested your forehead on Sam’s chest briefly as another tear left your eyes and you felt Sam giving your head a tender kiss. Then you both pulled back and looked at a crying Jody and a smiling Cas. You both turned to the pastor and signed the certificate. Then you rested in Sam’s chest and he pulled his arm around you as Jody was signing the certificate. You saw Cas signing too hesitantly. You saw him signing with a fake name ( of course) and you heard Sam clearing his throat. Apparently they’ve rehearsed that. Then you walked down the aisle again holding each others hands watched by crying faces that clapped. They didn’t throw rice because as you told Jody it would be messy. You were followed by Cas and Jody and then Claire with Matt and Danny with Alex. Then Jody told you ,before you could take another step, to follow the photographer to take some pictures. She and the others would stay back to help the guests to the reception and she took your bouquet with her.

You did as she told you and you followed the photographer at a part of the park just a little further with beautiful trees and grass. You rested your head on Sam’s head and you took some photos. A few minutes later as you were taking the last photos Jody came to find you. She said to the photographer that it was time for him to head to the reception. You thanked him for the photos as he was heading to the reception clearly satisfied with his work. Jody then turned to you. She helped you remove the veil so you’d be more comfortable and then she spoke.

“ You have about fifteen minutes...” She said smiling and turned around to go back to the reception. You turned and looked at Sam as he was still holding your hand.

“ You look beautiful...” He said still slightly stunned. His tone and expression serious and his eyes locked on yours. You could hear the love in his warm voice. You smiled at him as your heart started beating faster. You put your hands on his chest and looked at him.

“ You look beautiful too...” You said in a gentle voice.

“ Thanks...” He chuckled and leaned to kiss your lips softly. You pulled back and held his hand.

“ We don’t have much time... Should we go for a walk?” You asked casually.

“ Yeah...” Sam asnwered casually too.

So you started walking towards a small kiosk. You were holding Sam’s hand playing with the ring on his finger.

“ You check your watch so we won’t be late...” You said to him as you were walking.

“ Yeah...” He said and checked his watch. “ We have about...ten minutes left...” He told you and you smiled. You had some time to walk left. But as you were doing that Sam stopped which made you turn around and look at him. He seemed lost in his thoughts and you looked at him confused. He looked back at you and spoke.

“ We’re not doing the garter thing, are we?” He asked nervous almost scared. You chuckled and answered.

“ I was nervous about walking down the aisle. Do you really think I would be up for the garter thing?” You asked sarcastically.

“ No...” Sam chuckled relieved... You smiled widely and spoke again.

“ Too bad cause we’re doing it...” You said casually and Sam looked at you surprised with a small amount of panic in his face. He swallowed hard nervously as you were smiling at him. Your smile got more gentle and you continued. “ But we’re gonna do it in private, when we get home...” You said in a warm voice and a gentle expression on your face. Sam chuckled relieved and took a deep breath to calm down.

“ Alright...” He said with a smile as you were burrying yourself in his chest. He wrapped his arms around you and he rested his chin on the top of your head. He took a deep breath. “ I love you...” He said in a serious tone again. You closed your eyes breathing his scent and answered.

“ I love you too...” You said in a serious tone too. You stayed there for the few minutes you had left and when it was time you headed back to the reception.

You saw everyone sitting on their tables talking and laughing. You walked there as Sam was holding your hand. The small road you were walking on was leading straight to the dance floor and the cake. Jody signaled the band once she saw you coming and you heard the familiar music. You walked in the dance floor with Sam as everyone was looking at you and clapped with a smile on their face. All this attention made you feel nervous and uncomfortable again. But Sam squeezed your hand gently knowing that this would calm you down. You both walked to the cake. You agreed that it would be better for your guests to start eating before you get there and cut the cake immediately when you arrived so that it would be served fast and people wouldn’t have to wait too long. You looked at it. It had five levels and it was all white. The groom at the top had his hair as long as Sam did and the bride was holding his hand. You smiled at it and leaned on Sam’s arm briefly. And then you noticed something else. A thin layer of cream was forming a devil’s trap at the top of the cake. Something very subtle that only you and Sam could see. Something to symbolise the life you’ve been through. You looked at it surprised. You didn’t know about this. You turned and looked at Sam with your mouth slightly open. He was smiling at the cake and you knew by his expression that this was his idea. He turned and looked at you with a serious smile. You knew that this, though small meant a lot to both of you. A waiter brought you a knife as everyone was watching. You took the knife in your hand and Sam put his hand on yours. He placed himself behind you. You could feel his chest gently pushing your back. You both moved your hands and as carefully as you could you cut the cake and got the first slice on the plate the waiter brought you. You left the knife down and you took a spoon to cut the cake and give it to Sam. He licked his lips briefly and by his expression you figured the cake tasted great. Sam took the spoon from your hand and cut a piece of the cake too. He gently brought the spoon to your mouth and you ate the cake. It really did taste great. You smiled to him and he leaned to kiss you. Everyone was clapping as he was pressing his lips on yours. You heard Danny whistling. You pulled back and burried yourself in Sam’s chest. Then Jody brought you your bouquet as the girls gathered waiting for you to throw it. You turned around and without thinking about it too much you threw it behind. You heard the guest cheering and Sam chuckling and you turned around to see that Jody got the bouquet. She was laughing as you were resting your head on Sam’s chest again and he wrapped his arms around you.He kissed the top of your head tenderly and you heard the music change. The song you chose to dance to started palying. You and Sam took a few steps to get to the center of the dance floor and then Sam wrapped his arms around you again gently brushing your back. You closed your eyes and layed your head on the crook of his neck and you started swirling slowly on the dance floor.

_“ I’m not a child anymore, love has opened the door to a new exciting life...”_

Sam kissed the top of your head and you planted a small tender kiss on his neck with your eyes still closed. You wrapped your arms around his neck and rested your head on his shoulder. You closed your eyes again losing yourself in Sam’s loving touch...

_“ It’s all written down in your lifelines...It’s written down inside your heart... You and I just have a dream...”_

You heard him wispering in your ear.

“ I love you...” He said.

“ I love you too...” You wispered in his ear too.

_“ To love each other now ,forever and a day...”_

You pulled slightly back without cpmpletely leaving Sam’s arms when the song ended. Everyone clapped once more and then you both moved to sit to your table. You sat down and it was time for Cas and Jody to make a toast. Jody’s toast was moving and it made both of you smile to her greatfully for everything she’s done. And then Cas was uncomfortable with the concept so he just got up and after a few seconds when he looked kind of clueless he smiled to everyone and then to you and Sam and said “ Congratulations”. That sweet smile on his face made you smile and the guests clap. As the band started playing more music more and more people got up to dance. Including you. You danced one more time and this time you felt more comfortable as you were dancing along with other people and you weren’t the center of attention so much. And as you were dancing you accidentally bumped into Matt who was dancing with Claire. You both turned to look at him and he blushed which made Claire chuckle and you moved away as discreetly as possible. After that dance you filled your glasses with champagne.You toured around the room to greet everyone there and make sure that they could leave if they wanted. This took about an hour or so. It wasn’t that you had too many guests. You just spend about five minutes talking to most of them. But all this standing caused your shoes to hurt you. Jody noticed your discomfort and came close to you to ask you if you wanted to change. But you loved those shoes and they made you feel so elegant. So you decided to keep them on for as long as you could. After all there was only one table left. And the combination was uncanny. Mrs Feegs and the photographer sitting with the sheriff and his wife and son. Their youngest son from what Sam told you. He became twenty one a month ago. His brothers were married. The photographer was sitting too as you decided there was no need for more photos. And one of the reasons you decided to have everything at the beginning of the reception was so he could get some rest and some food after taking the photos. Mrs Feegs seemed to like the sherif’s wife a lot but the sheriff... not so much...You greeted them all and you noticed Mrs Feegs wiping a tear off being as sweet as you knew she could be. And then she was back to her cranky old self.

“ Did David do a good work?” She asked looking critically at David the photographer. David was her grandson who took up photography as a hobby but no one wanted to give him a chance because he didn’t have a certificate. But you and Sam took a look at his work and it was pretty great. So you decided to give him the chance he wanted.

“ Grandma...” He said to Mrs Feegs in a low voice looking at you embarashed. But you knew Mrs Feegs and you knew she liked being cranky. But David probably didn’t know you knew that part of her personality well and maybe he thought that her comment made you skeptic about his work. But you smiled and replied.

“ He did a great Job!” You said and you saw David smiling at you greatfully. Mrs feegs didn’t have a reason to nag to him anymore which she didn’t like but she didn’t make another comment. Meanwhile Sam was talking with the sheriff about some days off. You didn’t really pay attention but the idea sounded good. You didn’t have time to think as Sam ended the conversation with the sheriff and you both headed back to your table having greeted everyone. You finally got to have a bite and a ( huge) slice of cake. Then you started feeling sleepy. You were watching the people on the dance floor ( Mrs Feegs was dancing with Danny. Now that was a perfect match!) when you heard Sam’s voice.

“ Are you tired?” He asked.

“ A little...” You said with a smile and you changed your plate with Sam’s since he hadn’t eaten all his cake. As you were eating the cake you started thinking about all kinds of stuff but mostly how wonderful this day was. It wasn’t something much but it felt so great. And the plan was for the night to go even greater...And then tomorrow you’d have to leave for the honeymoon. You froze and you dropped your spoon on the plate. Your eyes wide open. You’d have to leave for the honeymoon YOU DIDN’T PLAN! You completely forgot about that! Let along who should plan it. You or Sam or Jody... But damn! How could **you** forget about this. How come Jody didn’t remind you...Well she had a lot on her mind and this is something you should have thought about! Sam was looking at you confused.

“ Oh my God!...” You said resting your forehead on your hand angry with yourself because it was your fault too you wouldn’t have a honeymoon. How could you forget about this!

“ What’s wrong?” Sam asked confused. He probably hadn’t realise it either. You both completely forgot about the honeymoon!

“ I completely forgot about the honeymoon!!!” You said in a slightly louder voice but almost frantic. You raised your head again and you started blubbering angrily. “ How could I forget about this! It’s our honeymoon! What kind of bride forgets her honeymoon?!?! DAMN! I’m so sorry!!! I completely forgot!!! How could I do this!!!” You said to Sam feeling sad and furious with yourself. You turned to look at him and you were surprised by the fact that he was smiling. You looked at him stunned.

“ It’s not funny... You...” You started saying but he ignored you and searched inside his suit to get something with the same smile on his face. His reaction left you speechless. Until he got a pamphlet out of his suit and left it in front of you. You took it in your hands still speechless not sure about what was happening here. It was about a nice place somewhere with snow. Nice bedrooms and many people smiling.

“ It’s a small town about a five hour drive... It’s beautiful. It has lots of stuff to do. Not too much attention AND...” He said like he was about to drop his big card. “ There’s this huge library that few people know about...” He said proud with himself. “ I booked a room for two weeks... And I made sure we both have two weeks off...” He concluded waiting to see your reaction. But you were still speechless. Sam hesitated for a moment as you were still staring at the pamphlet shocked. “ So?...” He asked with anticipation and a small doubt in his voice. Then your lips moved again to form a huge smile. You turned to look at him as he was anticipating your answer.

“ It’s perfect...” You said with the same huge smile on your face. He smiled with relief and you wrapped your arms around his neck and pushed your lips firmly on his. You pulled back and spoke excited. “... thank you! Thank you! Thank you!... It’s perfect!...” You said excited and then rested your head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around you. “ When did you do this?” You asked resting in Sam’s arms.

“ About two weeks ago... Jody wanted to remind you but I told her not to so it could be a surprise...” He chuckled. You pulled back to look at him.

“ When were you planning on telling me?” You asked with a smile still on your face.

“ When you’d remember although it took longer than I thought...” He said sarcastically to joke with you. You frowned a bit and he chuckled. You rested your head on his chest again.

“ I love you, Sam... so...so much...” You said closing your eyes to enjoy his arms wrapped around you. He pulled you closer and spoke.

“ I love you too (Y/N)...” He said and kissed the top of your head tenderly brushing your back gently. You stayed there for a while and then Jody came close to you from the dance floor.

“ Hey you, lovebirds...” She said slightly angrily using the word lovebirds sarcastically. You pulled back and look at Jody. She put her hand on the table and looked at both of you. “ Is he a good kid?” she asked again with a demanding tone titling her head to the dance floor where Matt was dancing again with Claire. You looked at each other with a small smile. You didn’t see that coming when you decided to have Claire walk the aisle with Matt. But you both turned to Jody.

“ He’s a great kid” Sam “ Totally” and You said at the same time.

“ He’d better be!” Jody said and left your table for the dance floor again.

After all the guests left Jody with Alex and Claire went to a hotel room you paid for them and they would help you pack tomorrow. Danny would stay with Matt for the night and leave tomorrow and Cas said goodbye to you both promising he’d visit soon and left the same night. You and Sam drove back home in the impala. You opened the door and walked upstairs almost immediately. You sat on the bed, which Jody made before you left in the morning, and Sam started taking his shoes off. The bed was so soft and you were really tired. You wanted to sleep but you had better things on your mind. You took your shoes off too which was a relief too. You left them on the side of the bed and took advantage of the time it took Sam to do the same. You sat more comfortable on the side of the bed and lifted your dress carefully not to make any sound. You lifted it to reveal the garter and a little more. You positioned your leg seductively just a second before Sam turned around. He looked at you and you looked at him seductively.

“ The garter...” He chuckled.

“ Yeap...” You said and looked at your leg briefly and then back at Sam. He moved close to you and he kneeled in front of you with slow and seductive moves too. He placed his hands on either side of your leg ready to drag the garter off with slow gentle moves. He looked at you with a smile and he started moving his hands. You immediately slapped his hand off gently. He looked at you surprised and confused.

“ Teeth...” You said in a low voice with a seductive smile. He smiled back at you. He looked at the garter determined and leaned on your leg and started removing slowly the garter with his teeth. He used his hands to caress your leg. You slolwy lied back on the bed as Sam was getting the garter off enjoying his gentle touch. Once he got the garter off he got up and looked at you smiling, holding the garter in his hand. You smiled back to him. He moved fast to lie on top of you at the bed letting the garter slip from his hands. You wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him passionately full on the mouth. He moved his hands on your legs and lifted your dress even more as you were wrapping your legs around him. With fast but tender moves you undressed each other careful not to ruin the dress and the suit and had an amazing night together... After you were done you lied on Sam’s chest and you started falling asleep almost immediately. Sam’s arms were wrapped around you brushing your back gently and he rested his head on yours. He pressed his lips on the top of your head in a tender kiss before starting drifting off.

“ I love you...” he wispered as you were both falling in deep sleep. You pulled yourself a little closer and Sam held you tighter.

“ I love you too...” You said before falling asleep completely. But not before you felt him kissing your head once more. You felt your heart beating harder. And you heard Sam’s heart do the same. And you felt so greatful for the love you and Sam had for each other. So greatful you had each other. And you knew that you’d be there for each other no matter what...even when all hell breaks loose...for the rest of your lives...

The next morning you both woke up late and exhausted. You packed your stuff with slow moves while talking about who should drive. You wanted to drive but Sam said you were too tired. But he wasn’t in better shape either. Non of you would stand a five hour drive so you decided to take turns. By he time you were ready Jody and the girls and Danny came to say goodbye. Apparently they woke up late too and didn’t have the time to come and help you pack but you didn’t mind at all. They helped you load your bags in “ Baby”. You said goodbye to all of them and left. Just like you agreed you took turns behind the wheel starting after you stopped for lunch. You got at your destination in the afternoon. It took a little longer for the hotel manager to give you a tour of the place and show you to your room which was amazing. Once the manager left ,you wrapped your arms around Sam and he led you to the bed which was so comfortable. With a sudden move you found yourself on top of him and he started lifting your shirt. Soon yours and Sam’s clothes found their place on the floor and a while later you found yourselves lying on the bed breathing heavily. Sam pulled you close and you lied on his naked chest again as he was wrapping his arms around you. You started falling asleep immediately as you were exhausted. Sam kissed the top of your head tenderly and started drifting off too. You were lost in deep sleep until at some point in the middle of the night you felt a little colder. Sam’s arms were still wrapped around you and you felt his shoulder slightly tremblng. He was cold too but he was in such a deep sleep he didn’t realise it. You opened your eyes a bit and moved the covers so that they would cover Sam and you. That felt better. And then you noticed you left the light on the bathroom on. You were so tired it didn’t bother you before but now it felt too bright. You decided to go turn it off but you didn’t like leaving the warm covers right now. You took a deep breath and you noticed the air coming out of your mouth white. That alarmed you a little. It wasn’t supposed to be that cold in here. You sat on the bed with a sudden move and looked at Sam’s sleeping body. You noticed his breath was white too as you were getting more and more alert. And then the bathroom light flickered. Your eyes turned wide open and you jumped off the bed.

“ SAM...” You yelled to wake him up. He woke up alarmed by your voice as you were already getting dressed.

“ What...” He started asking and then he noticed his breath and the flickering light. He looked at you alarmed and swallowed hard. He got up immediately too and got dressed.

“ A ghost... Unbelievable...” He said angrily as you were both heading to the door. You opened it and answered sarcastically.

“ It’s **our** honeymoon! What did you expect...” You chuckled and you turned around to close the door behind you as the ghost was coming right at you...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry this chapter took me that long too. These weeks have been crazy for me! Next chapter coming a lot sooner!


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song that inspired me for this chapter:  
> Scorpions - You and I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An other song that I like for this chapter:  
> Bryan Adams - Heaven

The ghost was attacking you but everything happened so fast you froze. You didn’t think fast enough to run, to move, to save yourself. Your eyes were open wide locked on the ghost and your heart was beating like a drum waiting for the upcoming blow. And you felt a blow that almost knocked you down. But it didn’t come from in front of you. It came from the side. Sam pushed you aside and you saw him throwing something at the ghost that after it flew through the ghost it made a loud noise falling on the floor. The ghost disolved with a penetrating scream. You moved close to Sam in fast moves and as you were doing that you noticed one of the door handles of the big door opposite from yours was missing. Ripped off by Sam since you noticed that this was the only door handle around made of iron. The door must have been the oldest in the building. You didn’t have much time to think about it more as Sam put his arm around you and urged you to move. You both went down the stairs as fast as you could and you saw the hotel manager sleeping on his chair. You tried to be quiet not to wake him up as you were stepping outside. You walked in the cold morning to the car. You saw the purple clouds as the sun was rising. You both entered the car and Sam started driving. You both knew that you couldn’t stay there anymore. So the first thing you had to do was to find a room in another hotel. And that’s what you did. You found the closest hotel and checked in. You stayed there for a while to drink some water and eat something. You were both very tired since you didn’t get to sleep much but eating breakfast made you feel better. After you were done you washed your face and prepared yourself for a hunt. You haven’t had to deal with a ghost or anything like that since...since you decided you would leave the life. You always checked the cases Sam had back home to be sure you didn’t have to hunt something. But so far nothing really came up. So this was actually the first case you encountered after you left the life. It made you anxious and part of you was wonderng if you should do this but you remembered when you agreed to leave the life you promised to yourselves that you’d deal with danger if it found you. And this was danger finding you. Before you did anything more though you and Sam agreed to go back and take your stuff. And of course check out. So you drove back to the hotel. You walked inside to find the manager drinking coffee still trying to wake up. Sam went upstairs and you stayed down to check out and tell the manager that something came up. You were checking the stairs every now and then as you were talking with the manager. Sam had gone upstairs without any guns. The door handle was still there but you were still worried. It didn’t take him long to show up with your bags and you relaxed as he wrapped hi arm around you gently holding your bags with the other. You both said goodbye to a disappointed manager and you walked to the car which you had to park a little further away since there were too many other cars in front of the place. But you didn’t mind. This way no one would see all the guns in the trunk. Sam opened the back door and put your bags inside as you were opening the trunk. You looked inside for your salt guns. You spotted them and then you started scanning the trunk to load them when you heard Sam’s voice next to you.

“ What are you doing?” He asked confused looking at the trunk and then you. His voice was calm but slightly gruff.

“ Loading the guns...” You answered casually looking at him briefly. There was a small pause. Sam took a deep breath and spoke again.

“ (Y/N)... I don’t think we should hunt this thing...” He said in a serious and determined tone. The sound of this surprised you. You turned your head with a sudden move. You looked at him puzzled.

“ What?” You asked confused too . He took another deep breath and looked back at you. The look on his face very serious that made you feel even more confused. You didn’t have a doubt you’d hunt this ghost. You didn’t discuss it because you thought it was obvious. To you this made no sense. Why Sam wouldn’t want to hunt?

“ I think we should call someone else...” He said and you saw an intensity in his eyes. His expression serious and his voice slightly gruff. For a few moments you were still looking at him confused not sure what to say. Then you opened your mouth and spoke again.

“ Why? We can take care of this... It seems like a simple case...” You asked still confused. You couldn’t understand why Sam wanted to call someone else. You were perfectly capable of taking care of this thing yourselves. But you were feeling that there was something else behind this.

“ Still... I don’t think we should...” Sam answered determined looking straight into your eyes with the same serious expression on his face. You thought about it for a second. If you didn’t do it someone else had to. But there were no hunters around ( or the ghost wouldn’t be there in the first place...) and you didn’t know how long it would take for someone to get here.

“ Well we don’t really have a choice.” You said in a calm tone. Who knows how long it’s going to take someone else to get here. We can’t take that risk...”You said turning your head back to the trunk to check if there was something else you needed. Sam spoke again.

“ We can make some calls and find out...” He said wih the same determination and the same serious expression. You thought about it for a second. It was obvious Sam didn’t want to hunt this thing. But you did. And you knew you were right. It would take another hunter at least a day to get there. And that put lives in danger.

“ No...” You said without looking at Sam. “ We can’t just walk away. Who knows how long it’s going to take another hunter to get here...” You repeated. And Sam spoke again immediately.

“ Then we should call the hunters we know and ask...” He insisted. You took a deep breath and looked at him. It was clear he didn’t want to hunt. But you still couldn’t understand what was behind this. So you just looked into his eyes and asked.

“ Why don’t you wanna do this?” You asked calmly trying to understand. Sam swallowed hard and locked his eyes on yours again with a pained expression on his face.

“Because that’s how it always starts...” His voice gruff. And you saw hurt in his eyes “ Now it’s this case... Just one case... And then just one more...and before we know it...” He paused for a second... “ We’re back in the life...” He concluded with a deep breath. You looked at him silent for a few moments. His expression was calm again. You knew what he was talking about but you didn’t agree.

“Well...We don’t have a choice we can’t just walk away...” You said looking at him. You couldn’t just walk away. Maybe you’ve left the life but you wouldn’t let people get hurt.

“ I’m not saying we walk away!... But we might not have to do this...” He said trying to convince you. He took a deep breath and looked back at you as you expecting your answer. “ We can at least try to call someone else...” He said. You didn’t like it. You wanted to jump on the case right away. But he was right. You could at least try to call someone else. And if it made him feel better so be it. But it still made you feel like you were wasting time. So you threw the gun inside the trunk and closed it.

“ Fine...” You said with a gruff voice and moved to open the door and sit to the passenger’s seat. He followed you inside. You didn’t speak till you got back to the hotel. You were still feeling that desire to go back to the hotel and take care of that ghost. But instead when you got back you took your phone and walked outside so you could hear better to call everyone you knew and trusted ( cause you’d never call Eric...) and Sam stayed inside to do the same.

You spent a lot of time calling everyone. Some of them were already on a case and others were a day away. After a while you got a headache...You haven’t spoken with Sam for a while and you assumed that was because he didn’t find anyone close either. At some point you decided to take a break because your head felt like it would explode. You didn’t like taking a break. You didn’t feel like you should take a break. You needed to know that that ghost would be dealt with. And you’d feel a lot better if you were the ones to deal with it. That’s why you didn’t like staying back on a hunt. And you didn’t feel like staying back on this one either... And that’s when you realised what alarmed Sam in your reaction. Hunting felt good. It felt familiar. You realised that a part of you was excited about this. But that’s how it always goes. One case now..and then another... Sam wasn’t worried about himself so much as for you. Because he wanted to leave the life a long time ago but you...You didn’t. You felt at peace with this life. You felt good with it. And he knew it. Just like Dean it was too hard for you to seperate yourself from hunting. And taking that case would bring all these feelings back to you. And it would make you think that you might want to go back. And if you decided to do so he’d be back in the life too. “ Even when all hell breaks loose...” Or when you hunt hell. You took a deep breath. You couldn’t blame him for getting upset. He tried to leave the life too many times. And every single time he got dragged in again. And you knew how much that hurt him...He didn’t want it to happen again. And neither did you. You left the life in the first place because you didn’t want to lose each other. You wouldn’t go back risking Sam’s life. You loved him so much. And he loved you too. And that’s why you didn’t want to go back in the life. You wouldn’t risk losing him. You loved him too much...So you just made the last few calls and when you had no luck you walked inside hoping Sam found someone.

“ Yeah...Thanks...” He said on the phone and hung up as you were getting in. He turned around to look at you.

“ Any luck?” You asked leaving your phone on the table.

“ No...” He answered brushing his face “ You?” He looked at you.

“ No...” You said disappointed. He took a deep breath and lowered his head. You moved close to him and burried yourself in his chest. He wrapped his arms around you and brushed your back gently. You closed your eyes enjoying his touch. You wrapped your arms around his back holding him close. He planted a tender kiss on your head and you opened your eyes and spoke.

“ Sam...We can stay here to make sure nothing happens until someone comes...” You said in a calm and determined voice. You’d keep people away from the room. If you did that no one would get hurt and you wouldn’t hunt the ghost. You knew why Sam didn’t want to hunt and you didn’t want to do it either anymore. You didn’t wanna go back in the life and you hated the fact that you scared the man you loved that there was even the slightest chance you’d do that. Cause there wasn’t. He was the reason you left the life in the first place and you’d never regret that. Sam spoke and his voice sounded slightly gruff but warm.

“ No...” He said and you were surprised. He brushed your back gently and he continued. “ We have to do this... Since no one else can be here in time... we have to deal with it...” He said and took a deep breath ... “ So we hunt...” He concluded and you could hear in his voice that he didn’t like it but he was feeling that this was the right thing to do. You thought about it for a second. You knew too that it was the right thing to do. You took a deep breath and spoke.

“ So we hunt...” You repeated still in his arms. “ And then we go home...” You said with a smile and burried your head in his chest again.

“ Yeah...” He answered and kissed the top of your head. You closed your eyes as he brushed your back again. You stayed there for a while. As his warm body was relaxing you. You took deep breaths to smell his scent and he pulled you a closer. Then he spoke again. “ Alright...” He said and his voice brought you back to reality. “ I’ll check for the local deaths...” He said and you pulled back allowing him to move. He brushed your hand gently as he was moving to get his laptop from the bed where he sat and started searching for ghost candidates. You went outside to the car. You opened the trunk and got your guns to load them since you didn’t get to do it before and maybe some shovels.You looked around. The sun was already setting and the sky had a beautiful color. You started feeling a bit cold. You walked back inside with the guns.

“ Check this out...” Sam said once you opened the door walking back in. You left the guns on the table close to you and sat next to Sam who turned his laptop to you. You looked at the file he had open. “ This was the only death...And apparently she was cremated...” You read it on the file. You took a deep breath and spoke.

“ Which means she is attached to an object in there...” You said thinking.

“ Yeah...” Sam agreed shutting down his laptop. Apparently you wouldn’t need the shovels. You both got up. You loaded your guns as Sam was getting his jacket on and searched for the car keys. After you were done you took the guns with you and put them back in the trunk. The sky was total black now. You both got in the car and drove back to the hotel. You parked behind some trees so that you’d be hidden. You got out of the car and took your guns. You took a look inside. The manager was eating a burger watching something on his computer. You exchanged a worried look. You knew you couldn’t get in. Passing in front of the manager was nearly impossible since the door was right in front of him and he wasn’t that distracted by what he was watching. So you decided to go from the kitchen door. The kitchen was closed by now so no one was there except a guy who took out the trash and paid no attention to you. So you walked in and made your way to your room. You both got your EMF meters out and walked in. Everything seemed calm. You opened the lights who right now didn’t flicker and started searching for an object that the ghost could be attached to. Her file said she loved jeawllery so it could be something like that. It didn’t take you long to find it. Your EMF went crazy when you were near the nightstand. You moved closer and started searching the drawers. When you opened the second drawer you didn’t see anything at first. For a moment you thought that it could be the drawer itself. You wanted to be sure though and you sticked your hand in the drawer just as the lights started flickering. You searched a bit faster and you finally felt something. Something cold made of metal. You pulled it out to find a ring. You knew this was it as your EMF was going even crazier. You smiled and you were about to turn to Sam to tell him. But suddenly you heard his voice.

“ (Y/N)!!!” He yelled in panic.You tried to turn around but before you could you felt something cold on your neck and instantly you found yourself flying across the room until you felt your back crashing to a wall and you fell down. Your gun was gone.You raised your head to look around to see what just happened. You saw Sam firing at the ghost that was in front of you. It disappeared with a penetrating scream. Sam helped you up and when you told him you were alright he run to the drawer to find the ring you dropped on the floor. You scanned the room for your gun. Once you’ve seen it you grabbed it checking for any sign of the ghost when you saw it flying across the room towards Sam. Sam fired before you could dropping the ring . You run and grabbed it when you heard Sam’s voice.

“ Burn it!” He yelled running close to you to protect you from the ghost and give you time to burn the ring. You started running around the room trying to find matches and salt as Sam was following you ready to fire anything that would come your way. You found some salt in the small kitchen and matches in a drawer there. You put the ring on a plate with as much paper as you could find. You heard Sam shooting the ghost behind you. You heard the penetrating scream and looked back briefly only to see the ghost coming back immediately ignoring Sam and coming for you. You turned around and threw salt in the plate.A second later you heard Sam moaning in pain and your heart skipped a bit. You managed to light a match. You threw the match in the plate as fast as you could. You saw everything starting to burn and you heard the ghost screaming. You turned around to see it burn as the ring was burning in your plate. Sam was standing three feet from you breathing heavily but fine. You relaxed as the last trace of the ghost was gone. You got up and moved close to Sam breathing heavily too. He wrapped his arm around you and you rested your head on his chest as his breaths were coming back to normal. A second later you heard footsteps on the stairs. Of course! There is no way the manager didn’t hear the gunshots.

“ Crap!” You said pulling back and running to grab your gun from the floor as Sam was running to open the door. He held it open for you to get out and closed it behind him following you down the other,more narrow, staircase as the manager’s footsteps sounded louder and louder. You run as fast as you could and before you knew it you were out to the cool air heading to the car fast. You put the guns back in the trunk and you entered the car.

“ That went well...” You said not sure if you were being sarcastic or not.

“ Yeah...” Sam chuckled and you leaned on his shoulder. He lifted his hand and wrapped it around you. You closed your eyes briefly. He run his fingers through yours brushing them gently.You pulled back and Sam spoke again in a serious tone. “ Let’s go...”   He said brushing your hand with his thumb before moving his hand to the steering wheel and started the car and you were back at the hotel in no time.

You entered both exhausted. You helped each other undress as you started feeling the pain in your back from hitting the wall and Sam had a bruise on his ribs that got really painfull. You stepped in the shower together. He wrapped his arms around you and you rested your head on his chest brushing his back with your hands. You closed your eyes as the hot water relieved some of the pain. Sam brushed your back too very gently were the bruises were. It didn’t hurt but every time his hands were touching that part of your skin you felt it was more sensitive. You pulled back to check on Sam’s bruise. You run your fingers gently on it . It already seemed better. You helped each other wash. Atfter you were done you stepped out of the shower and Sam wrapped a towel around you before wrapping one around his waist. You walked outside and put something on. You both lied on the bed exhausted. You felt really comfortable though. The bed was so warm and you were feeling so tired. You lied on Sam’s chest and he wrapped his arms around you pulling you closer as gently as he could. He rested his chin on your head and you both fell asleep immediately.

The next morning you woke up before Sam. You stayed in bed until Sam woke up. After all you were still very tired. When you were both awake you got up and got dressed. You went to have breakfast at the nearest diner and then you came back to pack the things you unpacked and leave. You took turns this time too to drive back. You got back home in the afternoon. You stepped out of the car. Sam got your bags from the back seat and you got in. He left the bags on the floor and you closed the door and you both got to the couch. Sam lied back on the couch and you rested your head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around you again. You closed your eyes for a few seconds enjoying the tenderness of this moment. You stayed there for a couple of hours and then you got up. You cooked something and Sam picked up a movie. Once you were ready to watch the movie you reached for your bag to take it upstairs and change. But before you could Sam picked up both his bag and yours. You turned to look at him and remind him once again that you could carry your own bag but he spoke before you could.

“ I know...” He said with a smile and pressed his lips on yours before taking the bags upstairs. You both changed and then settled on the couch with your food and you started watching the movie. You weren’t even in the middle of the movie when you both felt very sleepy. So you moved upstairs and lied on the bed. Sam held you tight and you closed your eyes as he was brushing your back. His moves got slower.

“ I love you...” He said and kissed the top of your head.

“ I love you too...” You answered and your voice was more of a wisper as you were already falling asleep. You felt Sam pulling you closer. His hand stopped brushing your back as he was falling into deep sleep.

The next morning you woke up alone in the bed. You assumed Sam got up earlier. You streched and turned on your side.You checked the clock and with slow moves you got out of bed. You went down the stairs and found Sam in the kitchen making coffee.

“ Hey...” You said walking in with a smile.

“ Hey...” He answered turning around to see you. He poured some coffee in a cup and came close to you. He passed you the coffee and kissed you. He pulled back to get some coffee too. After he served himself some coffe too you both moved to the living room and sat on the couch. You both took a ship of your coffee. It was really warm. You closed your eyes feeling comfortable. You lied back on the couch and held your cup with just one hand. You moved your other hand and run your fingers around Sam’s. He brushed your fingers gently eith his. You drunk a little bit of your coffee again when he spoke.

“ ( Y/N)... I was thinking...We still have a little more than a week off from work... We can still go somewhere...” He said. You haven’t really thought about it. With everything that happened that didn’t cross your mind. But you turned around and looked at Sam with a huge smile on your face.You did have time. This was still your honeymoon.

“ Yeah...” You said smiling at him gently. He smiled back happy to see you smiling. “ We can stay a little longer than we planned to stay...” You continued. “ We were planning on coming back on Friday... we can come back on Sunday...” You explained leaving your coffee on the table.

“ Yeah...” Sam nodded considering the possibility. He then leaned and pressed his lips on yours softly as his thumb was brushing your hand. You moved your lips against his putting your hands on his neck gently brushing his hair. You pulled back and burried yourself in his chest. He wrapped his arms around you pulling you closer kissing the top of your head. You spend the rest of the day there making plans about where you should go. You decided on a nice place only two hours from your home but it was close to a forest that made it look amazing. Also it was colder there and by what the weather forecast said on their webside it was snowing. That excited you even more. You didn’t have much to do since you hadn’t unpacked your things so you booked a room and decided to leave first thing in the morning. And that’s what you did. You got up in the morning and drove to the hotel you’d stay. It really did snow the day before and the place was so beautiful. There was snow everywhere and it was also snowing lightly still. It was also very cold. You entered your room and the heat inside was a relief. You looked outside the window to see the snowflakes falling down. Then Sam called you to help him unpack some stuff. Once you were settled you moved close to him and pressed your lips on his softly. He moved his lips against yours and he wrapped his arms around you. You put your hands on his neck brushing his hair gently and pulled him closer deepening the kiss. He brushed your back moving his hands to your hips slowly and gently. You moved your hands from his neck to his chest as your heart dtarted beating faster and faster. You started unbottoning his shirt and he kissed your neck firmly. You sighed. He moved his hands suddenly and he lifted you up and you wrapped your legs around him. You both ulled back for a second. He smiled at you and you smiled back gently caressing his cheek. He pressed his lips on yours in a tender kiss and moved to your neck. You closed your eyes and sighed with content as he was carrying you to the bed. Once he laid you down he got rid of your clothes and you got rid of his. You moved under the covers since it was still quite cold. He pressed his lips against yours roughly and you felt his firm grip on your hips as you both started breathing heavily. You spend the rest of the day in bed. At some point you were both too exhausted and you started drifting off in each other’s arms. As you were falling asleep he pulled up the covers to cover your shoulders so that you wouldn’t be cold. You sighed half asleep. He wrapped his arms around you again and you both drifted off. You stayed there till Sunday like you planned and it was amazing. You didn’t expect it to be so good. You enjoyed the snow a lot. And there was an amazing place close enough to the hotel that made great hot chocolate. You had a lot of snow fights the first few days but then the weather got too cold and you didn’t feel like going out. But it didn’t matter. The hotel had a fireplace in the lobby where you and Sam spend a lot of time. On Sunday morning you had breakfast at the hotel and took the rest of your time till lunch packing your things making sure you didn’t forget anything. After that you had lunch at the hotel and then you drove back home taking turns on the steering wheel. You were there at early afternoon. You spent the rest of the day unpacking. Since you had to go to work tomorrow you had to do it then. After you were done you threw yourself on the couch exhausted while Sam went in the kitchen to cook something. Though you were feeling very tired you got up and helped him. After you were done you served yourselves and moved your plates to the couch. After you were done you left your plates on the table. You tried to get up to do the dishes but Sam kissed you and got up to do them instead. By the time he was back you were lying back on the couch with your eyes closed almost asleep. Sam moved close to you with gentle moves as quietly as possible. He wrapped his arms around you careful not to disturbe you and moved you so you could rest your head on his chest. He brushed your back gently. You could feel his breaths as his chest was moving. You were feeling so comfortable in his arms. You forced yourself to open your eyes because you knew that if you didn’t you’d fall asleep. So you forced yourself to raise your head and looked at Sam. His eyes looked tired too. You smiled to him gently and pressed your lips on his softly. He moved his against yours brushing your back. You pulled back and spoke.

“ We have to go to sleep...” You said in a low and tired voice.

“ Yeah...” Sam agreed. You got up and Sam brushed his eyes before he got up. You both had to go to work tomorrow. That’s why you were supposed to come back on Friday. But you were so happy you stayed there until Sunday because you had such a good time. But tomorrow you had to get up early to go to work and you both knew that it wouldn’t be an easy morning. You went upstairs and lied on the bed that felt so soft and comfortable. Sam pulled you close and with your eyes closed you lied your head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around you pulling you closer. You rested your hand on his chest and he rested his hand n yours brushing your fingers gently.

“ I love you...” You said in a low voice and a serious tone.

“ I love you too...” He said in a serious tone too.He pressed his lips on your head in a kiss that lasted longer than you expected and you brushed his chest gently with your thumb. And you both fell asleep in each other’s arms...

You both had to get some rest because tomorrow would be a really hard day...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took me this long to post again. The chapter was supposed to be posted last week but I couldn't post it because of some technical issues!


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song that inspired me for this chapter:  
> Scorpions - You and I (again)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reference to chapter 10... ;)

The next day was an extremely tiring for both of you. You didn’t have more work than usual but since you were still tired from the trip you came back home in the afternoon even more tired. So you just had that day and the rest of the week to rest. And it was the last time you had to rest. The weeks that followed were very tiring for both of you. And this time it was because you had a lot of work. Sam had three cases to deal with in just one week ( fortunately not your kind of case...) and you were helping Mrs Feegs organise the visits of the nearby schools to the library. And then you had to help with the kids. As a result you were both coming back home barely keeping your eyes open. You and Sam didn’t have much alone...awake that is... The weeks that followed were better though. You did spent more time together but you didn’t have the chance to go out again cause Cas came to visit. He called to ask you if he could on Friday morning and he was there in the afternoon. You and Sam were so happy to see him. And you were also very happy he’d stay. You really missed him. He was one of your best friends and you both wished you could see him more often. So you were very happy when he decided to visit. So you spent the weekend with him. You stayed home mostly and watched a movie with Cas having a few beers. He lef the next day and you knew you’d both miss him but he promised to visit again soon...The week that followed Cas’ visit you had a lot of work too but you both came back home early in the afternoon. You cooked something and then you sat on the couch to see one of your favorite movies. Once it was over you went upstairs with slow and tired moves as you were both exhausted. The next day you slept a little longer than usual and then you both got up and made breakfast. And since it was a Saturday and you finally had time you started making plans for the night. In the afternoon you started getting ready for your night out. You wore the dress Sam bought you and you were looking at yourself. You run your hands on the soft mattress. You looked beautiful. But this dress meant more to you. It was something Sam chose for you. It was a way to take care of you. Your heart left a strong beat and you smiled to the mirror when you heard him call you from the living room. You told him you’d be right there and walked out of the room. You moved down the stairs as he was waiting for you at the door. He looked at you with a small smile on his face as you were getting closer.

“ You’re beautiful...” He said a little nervous and pressed his lips on yours when you got down the stairs. You moved your lips against his and you pulled back to smile at him caressing his cheek.

“ Thank you...” You said smiling and looking straight into his eyes rubbing circles with your thumb on his cheek. “ You’re beautiful too...” You said and he smiled to you making your heart beat faster. You kissed him one more time and you both left the house and went for dinner. You had a great time and the food was great too. Once you were done with your food you paid and made your way to the car to get back home. It was cold outside when you arrived but your house was warm and cosy. Once you walked in Sam closed the door behind you and then turned to you. He brushed your arms with slow moves as you had your back turned to him. You closed your eyes enjoying his touch. You opened them again and turned around. You wrapped your arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms around you as you pressed your lips on his. Your heart beating fast and hard. You pulled back and rested your head on his chest with your eyes closed breathing his scent. You could hear his breath and you could feel it on your hair close to your ear.

“ I love you so much...” He said in a warm and steady voice and he swallowed hard.Your heart started beating harder and you held him tighter bringing him closer.

“ I love you too...” You said hoping your tight embrace was saying all the things you couldn’t tell him with words. You felt his grip getting tighter too. You pulled back a bit and kissed his lips. He kissed you back deepening the kiss. His hands started brushing your whole body. You pulled him closer and he lifted you up with a firm move slightly breaking the kiss. You wrapped your legs around his waist as he was holding your hips his muscles looking tight through his shirt. You pulled back a bit. He offered you a warm and loving smile. You smiled back as your heart was beating harder. You loved him so much... you brushed his hair gently and you pressed your lips on his as he was pressing his on yours. He carried you upstairs as careful as possible and laid you on the bed. He placed himself between your legs. You wrapped them around his waist and you run your hands on his back. He started lifting your dress and lifted you to a sitting position to help you remove the dress. You started unbuttoning his shirt as he was kissing your neck. You helped each other undress and Sam laid you back on the bed again running his hands through yours getting to your palms and pushing them against the soft matress running his fingers between yours and caressing the back of your hand with his thumb faster and faster as your breaths were getting heavier and heavier. He then let your hands go and moved his to your hips bringing them closer to him. You wrapped your arms around him as he pressed his lips on your neck moaning slightly. He then moved and kissed your lips hard. You moved yours against his as his hands started caressing your body firmly. Your moves got faster until you lost the world around you and a loud moan left your lips. Your muscles relaxed as Sam’s tightened. You pulled him closer and he moaned your name before relaxing too. His arms still wrapped around you and yours wrapped around him. You rested there for a few minutes in the comfort of each others arms. Sam pulled back slightly as you started feeling very tired. He looked at you with a warm smile on his face. You lifted your head slightly to kiss him and he kissed your lips in a tenderly. You pulled back and he lied next to you. He started pulling you close to him gently. You moved with tired moves and lied on his chest exhausted. He wrapped his arms around you holding you tight. You started falling asleep when you felt him kissing your forehead gently in a kiss that lasted longer than expected. He rested his head on yours and you both started falling asleep feeling safe in each other’s arms...

The next morning you woke up in Sam’s arms. He was still sleeping but his arms were wrapped around you protectively. You wrapped yours around him. You lifted your head and looked at him sleeping. You smiled as your heart was beating hard again with love. You lied on his chest again. A few minutes later Sam woke up too as you started falling asleep again. He left the bed trying not to disturb you. He leaned and kissed your lips softly before heading to the kitchen to make breakfast. You got up a little later and helped him with breakfast. You had breakfast together and spend the rest of the day resting because you knew that next week would be very tiring too. The next morning you woke up feeling very tired. You didn’t really want to go to work. You’d rather sleep all day but you had to. Sam woke up too and you both started getting ready for work. Sam made breakfast since he was ready before you. You both ate breakfast and left for work. You didn’t have much to do that day but Mrs Feegs announced you that she decided to organise some educational programs. Which was a great idea but it meant more work for you during the week. You had to start up earlier and finish work later than usual. You were already feeling tired and as the week went by you were feeling even worse. Sam made sure you had something to eat when you came back from work but some days you were just too tired to eat. You were going straight to bed. Sam was always very careful not to wake you up when he came to bed to sleep too. The weekend you didn’t get to rest much as Mrs Feegs wanted the first programme to be ready for the school that would visit the library on Wednesday. You were feeling more and more tired in the days leading up to wednesday. On Wednesday you got home really late feeling a little dizzy. You tried to get as much sleep as you could but you had to wake up early again on Thursday which ended up to be another tirning day. You returned home barely keeping your eyes open. You opend the door hearing Sam in the kitchen with every intention to walk straight to the couch. But when you closed the door behind you You felt for a moment like you lost the earth underneath your feet. You felt like you were falling. You moved your hand and felt greatful to touch the wall next to you while talking.

“ Sam...” You said and your voice was weak and trembled a little. Urgency and fear were audible.

“ Hey... ( Y/N)?” You heard his voice gruff and panicked. His footsteps closer than you expected. He probably started heading your way when he heard the door and he understood you were home. You opened your eyes and realised everything was back to normal right before you felt Sam’s arms around you. You stepped away from him a bit.

“ I’m fine...I’m fine...” You said to reassure him. He didn’t seem to relax. You were still holding his hand as you were still feeling weak. Sam moved closer to you and held your hands to help you to the couch though you didn’t need any help. You sat on the couch and he rushed to the kitchen to get you some water.

“ What happened?” He said with panic in his voice as he walked in the living room again. His eyes wide open. You scared him a lot. He passed you the water and sat next to you.

“ Don’t worry... I’m fine...” You said brushing your face with your hand to wake you up. “ It’s just my anemia...” You said and Sam looked at you confused.

“ Anemia?” He asked trying to understand. You never told him you had anemia. You never had to before but now it was time.

“ Yes...” You answered and your voice sounded tired. “ Low red blood cell count... Cas used to take care of it too since he was healing my wounds in regular basis...” You said. “ Now that Cas doesn’t take care of it the symptoms are back...” You said and had a ship of your water. Sam seemed to relax now. “ I’ll have to call a doctor to get some blood tests done... And he’ll prescribe me some vitamins probably” You spoke again feeling a lot better now. Sam nodded obviously more relaxed.

“ Shouldn’t we call Cas?” He asked knowing you hated doctors and hospitals. And of course because he trusted Cas more.

“ Normal life means doctors...” You said with a smile. He smiled back hesitantly. Seeing you smile reassured him that you were feeling better but he was still worried.

“ Alright...I’ll get you something to eat...” He said and got up to get back to the kitchen and serve you dinner. After you ate you went straight to bed again. Sam went to sleep a few minutes later. He lied on the bed careful not to wake you up as you were already falling asleep. He wrapped his arm around you gently. He kissed the top of your head and you sighed before you both fell asleep. In the morning Sam woke up before you to make breakfast for both of you so that you wouldn’t get more tired. When you got up you got ready for work. You ate breakfast as fast as you could. You gave Sam a tender kiss and left for work immediately. This time you came back early. You lied on the couch to rest and Sam found you there when he came back from work.

“ Hey...” He said closing the door behind him and coming close to you. “ How are you feeling?” He asked sitting next to you.

“ Good...” You said to him with a smile... “ I still feel tired but I called the doctor and someone cancelled so he’ll see me in an hour...” You informed him.

“ Good...” He said. “ Alright...I’ll make something for lunch...” He said and leaned to kiss you briefly. You ate something and left for the doctor’s office. You didn’t wait long for the doctor to take you in. He was a tall young man with dark hair. You got some time so he could take your medical history ( which was mostly fake for obvious reasons...).

“ So tell me ( Y/N)...What’s wrong?” He asked you after he was done checking your medical history.

“I’ve had anemia since I was a child...” You started explaining. “ And I think it’s time for me to do some tests...Lately I’ve been feeling very tired...All the time... I’ve been feeling dizzy a lot and yesterday I almost fainted...” You explained.

“ Do you get tired a lot at work lately?” He asked you.

“ Yes... I’ve been very busy with work these days and that most certainly made me feel extremely tired. I feel a litlle sick and my head hurts a lot” You answered. He nodded lost in his thoughts. He looked at you and spoke again.

“ Do you...” He started asking a question when your phone started ringing.

“ I’m sorry...” You said apologetically and reached for your phone. It was Matt. That couldn’t be good. You left him in the library when you left so that he would help Mrs Feegs with the kids. You didn’t want to interrupt your doctor’s appointment but you had to pick up. So you did. “ Matt?” You said to the phone.

“ ( Y/N)!!! Fire!!!” He said frantic.

“ WHAT?” You said jumping off your chair. Your heart skipped a bit.

“ Fire...in the library...Some books got completely wet becuase of the fire detectors and...And some books...” He hesitated and you understood he meant they were burnt.

“ Oh my God...” You said brushing your face feeling your heart sink. You took a few deep breaths and answered “ Alright ...I’ll be there in a few minutes...” You said and hung up shaking. You thanked the doctor as fast as you could and explained that you had to leave immediately. He told you he’d prescribe extra blood tests as you were getting your stuff with shaking hands to get to the library. You thanked the doctor again and he said to you to drop by his office and get what blood tests you had to do from his secretary. You barely heard that since you were already walking outside his office with your heart beating fast. You drove to the library as fast as you could. You walked in but nothing seemed wrong except Mrs Feegs who was pissed as hell.

“ Stupid kids!!! Playing with the fire detectors? Where are we gonna find these books now...!!!” She was mumbling to herself pacing around the room when she noticed you coming in. She seemed happy to see you and seeing the terrified look on your face she rushed to explain what happened. Apparently some of the kids that were in the library today decided they wanted to see what would happen if they put a ciggarette close to the fire detectors on the second floor. The second floor was closed to the public. You used it to keep there ladders and some very interesting but very old books. So those books ended up completely wet. Matt thought there was a fire when he called you but fortunately he was wrong. You moved to the second floor to see the damage. It was bad for the books and the floor but it could have been worse. But some of your favorite books were destroyed. Also some that you wanted to put on the selves in the near future. You called Sam feeling devastated to tell him you’d be late. You explained him what happened and you hung up relatively quickly so that you could help Matt with drying the books. The books that could be dried cause some were beyond any repair. You stayed in the library till late. You only took a break at some point to get back to the doctor’s office and take the prescription of the blood tests you had to do. Then back to the library to dry books. When you went back home you were feeling so sad and tired. You walked in and after closing the door behind you you walked straight to the couch. You sat on the couch and burried your face in your hands feeling so tired and sad that it made you sick. You worked so hard to get these books and repair them. You knew the damage could have been worse but you were still feeling very sad. Sam was in the kitchen and moved to the living room when he heard the door. He sat next to you and you lifted your head from your palms and looked at him. He moved closer to you and wrapped his arms around you. You relaxed in his arms feeling exhausted but not that sad anymore. You stayed there for a few minutes and you almost fell asleep. You pulled back and strectched a bit.

“ I’ll get you something to eat...” Sam said ready to get off the couch but you put your hand on his chest and stopped him.

“ No...Don’t...” You said and continued brushing your eyes. “ I’m so exhausted even the thought of food makes me nauseous...” You looked at him. “ I just want to sleep...” You said with your eyes almost closed.

“ Alright...” He said and you both went upstairs to change. You lied on the bed while Sam was still changing. You started drifting off immediately. You felt Sam lying on the bed too wrapping his arms around you. Your back on his chest. He leaned and kissed your head tendely.

“ I love you...” He wispered pulling back.

“ Me too...” You tried to wisper but you were almost completely gone and you didn’t know what left your mouth before falling completely asleep. You woke up really early in the morning. You were still feeling exhausted and you decided not to eat something so you could get your blood tests done. You didn’t really feel like eating anyway. It was too early in the morning and the exhaustion was making you nauseous again. You got dressed ready to leave as Sam was still sleeping. You leaned on him before leaving and brushed his cheek softly to wake him up gently. He opened his eyes and you explained him that you’d go to get your tests done and then straight to the library. He wanted to come with you to the hospital but you insited on him staying. So you kissed him goodbye and left. You went straight to the hospital and had your tests done. You didn’t feel very comfortable but you’ve been through worse. After you were done and they told you when you’d have your results you drove straight to the library. You ate breakfast with mrs Feegs and Matt who wanted to help as much as he could and you got to work. Drying books. Though it was a tiring day you were feeling much better than yesterday. You joked around with Matt a lot and though Mrs Feegs was acting annoyed you knew she was having a good time too. You left the library really late again so you could have the next day to relax. You walked in and found Sam asleep on the couch. He was very tired too lately. You smiled and went upstairs to change and then brought a blanket for both of you. You lied on the couch too careful not to wake him up and covered both of you with the blanket. You rested in his arms as he was wrapping them around you half asleep and you both drifted off. The next morning exhaustion hit you again with headache and loss of apettite. You decided to stay on the couch all day to rest. Sam got up and did both your chores and his so you could take the day to rest. You got up at some point and cooked something for lunch and you both ate watching a movie in the living room. You spent the rest of the day at home and went to bed early again so you could be more rested in the morning. Sam followed you and brushed your back as you were lying on his chest till you fell asleep.

The next morning you woke up by Sam’s voice like it was coming from somewhere far away. You felt his hand warm on your arm brushing it gently.

“ (Y/N)...It’s time to wake up...” You heard him say. You contemplated with that. If you had a choice you’d stay in bed all day. You were feeling still exhausted. You opened your eyes slowly wanting to close them again. But you didn’t. You saw Sam sitting next to you on the bed. His eyes tired too. You stretched and you slowly sat on the bed too. He leaned and planted a soft kiss on your lips. You raised your hand to brush his cheek. He pulled back and you smiled sleepily. He smiled back and got up to get dressed. You stayed in the bed for a while. You were feeling a little unsteady. You took a few moments to feel better but it didn’t go away completely and it made you feel like throwing up. You got up wishing you’d get back home early today to get some proper rest but you doubted it. A school visit was scheduled for today and you had to be there. You got up slowly and got dressed. Sam was already in the kitchen. You went down the stairs and joined him. He had made coffee and he was making sandwitches too. You helped him with them and you both sat down to eat. But when Sam was ready to serve you coffee you stopped him.

“ Do we have apple juice?” You asked having finished your sandwich. Sam looked at you confused.

“ Are you sure?” He asked surprised.

“ Yeah...” You answered casually. You weren’t in the mood for coffee. Sam nodded still surprised and got the apple juice out of the fridge. He filled a glass and passed it to you. You drunk it fast beacuse you had to go but it made you feel better. You smiled to Sam after you were done and spoke.

“ Sam...Can you pick up my test results today? I’ll be late at work...” You explained exhaling deeply as you were getting up to leave.

“ Yeah...I’ll pick them up after work...” He said casually and got up too. You moved close to him and pressed your lips on his. He wrapped his arms around you brushing your back gently...

**Sam’s point of view**

She pulled back and looked at me with a tired smile.

“ I love you...” She said. Her eyes wide open. I can see how tired she is lately.

“ I love you too...” I say and I lean to press my lips on hers. Warm and soft. I wrapp my arms around her to hold her as close to me as possible. She wrapps her arms around my neck. My heart beats faster in my chest. She pulled back and smiled to me. That wonderful smile. I smile back. She rested her head on my chest and I pulled her closer as gently as I could. I feel her breaths as her back is moving under my hands. I feel how relaxed my touch makes her feel. I wish I could hold her like that longer. But she has to go. She pulls back and offered me another smile that made my heart beat harder. She walked to the door and left. I searched for my keys and once I’ve found them I left too. I walked outside and got to my car. I drove to work and sat on my desk to see the huge pile of paperwork I had to do. I begin to work. I had a break at some point and my mind travelled back to her. I smile instinctively. I shook my head to bring me back to reality and paperwork. I worked for a couple more hours when someone came to me with a case that seemed to me like a “case” at first. My hunter’s instincts kicked and I started investigating the case. But soon it was clear that it was not in our wheelhouse. Time went by relatively fast after that and since I was done with all the paperwork I left earlier. I got in my car and drove to the hospital to get her results. I walked inside and asked the woman at the reception.

“ And you are?” She asked searching her computer for ( Y/N)’s name.

“ Her husband...” I answered with a smile. She looked under her desk for a few seconds and she emerged again with a file in her hands.

“ There you go Mr Winchester...” She said and handed me the file.

“ Thanks...” I said and turned around to go back to the car. I get in and I don’t start the car immediately. I take a few minutes and I open the file to see her results. I scan the document from top to bottom and I smile. Everything was normal. Normal blood cells...iron fine... Everything except one thing. This is higher. I look at it puzzled. I search for the doctor’s notes to see what this means. I found the section and I read the small comment. My eyes turn wide open. My jaw drops and my heart starts beating faster and harder...

**Your point of view**

You were cooking lunch. Mrs Feegs let you off work earlier today and snce you knew that Sam would go to pick up your results you decided to come back home and cook something for both of you. You were feeling better too. As you were adding some salt to the food you heard the door.

“ Hey...” You started saying turning around to look at Sam who was walking in the kitchen. He seemed distracted. “ I came back early and I decided to cook something for lunch...” You said smiling to him. “ Did you get my results?” You asked feeling a little confused.

“ Ah...Yeah...” He said and his voice sounded a little gruff. You noticed he was holding the file in his hands that were trembling a little.

“ What did they say?” You asked starting to feel a little scared. He looked very serious. He looked at you and took a deep and shaking breath. He hesitated and then he spoke.

“ You’re pregnant...” He said with a steady and warm voice exhaling deeply. His expression serious. Your heart skipped a beat! What? Pregnant! Your heart started beating fast. You felt your knees getting weak. You looked at him confused. Your heart beat continued rising. And then it reduced as you felt a little bit relaxed.

“ Alright...Tell me the truth now...” You laughed. He had to be joking. He looked back at you and shook his head trying to find another way to say it. But he gave up really quick and repeated with a shaking voice this time.

“ You’re pregnant...” He swallowed hard and looked at you waiting for your reaction. You moved close to him and took the file from his hands. Your hands were trembling a little. Your heart was beating so fast you thought it would explode. You opened the file and saw the document. You didn’t remember the doctor ordering a pregnancy test. And then you remembered he said he wanted you to take some extra blood tests. You searched for the doctor’s notes and you found them. Your heart left a very strong beat and continued beating like a drum so hard you were feeling it in your whole body. Your eyes got wet.

“ I’m pregnant...” You said trying to wrap your mind around what just happened. You brought your hand to your mouth as tears started leaving your eyes that they were still locked on the paper. You removed your shaking hand from your mouth and repeated. “ I’m pregnant.” You left the papers to the table next to you and you slowly sat on the chair behind you. “ I’m pregnant...” You said one more time. Tears leaving your eyes because of the shock. You’ve been feeling tired and dizzy and even nauseous lately but that never crossed your mind. That you might be pregnant. That a life was growing inside you. Your child. Yours and Sam’s. Your eyes were flooding as Sam was watching you waiting for you to come back from the shock he hadn’t completely come back yet. “ I’m pregnant...” You said one more time this time realising what that meant. That you’d be a mom. That you’d have a baby.

“ Yeah...” Sam answered with a shaking voice and a small nervous smile. He brushed his face to calm himself down and wipe off the tears that were shining on his face too. “ We’re having a baby...” He said still in shock. You looked at him taking a deep and shaking breath.

“ We’re having a baby...” You said and two thick teardrops left your eyes as a storm of feelings was taking place inside you. Fear, love, happiness and of course shock. A baby... Your baby...You’d be parents. You looked at him still in shock and he spoke again.

“ You got to be carefull now..” He said and his voice kept shaking no matter how much he tried. “ You have to be careful what you drink, what you eat... Anything that can put you and the baby in danger...” He said looking at you with intense and wet eyes. A fear of losing you both in his eyes. His concern to protect you and the baby. Your baby... His baby...You felt more tears in your eyes. Your heart melt. You hesitantly put your hand on your belly. Knowing your baby was there. More tears in your eyes. He was right you had to be careful now. But you didn’t know what to do. You knew some things but...not really. You got up and took another shaking breath.

“ I’ll call the doctor...” You said still shaking and you turned around to get your phone.

“ I’ll call Cas...” Sam said in a trembling voice too and he turned around to take his phone from the living room. But before you made another move you turned around and looked at Sam. He had turned around too and was looking at you. You were looking straight into each other’s wet eyes sharing the same fears the same hopes even the same heartbeats. But most importantly the same happiness. The same feeling that brought new tears to both of you.

“ We’re having a baby...” He said to you smiling as a teardrop left his eyes again. A huge nervous smile. A genuine, happy smile with another deep breath to calm himself down.

“ We’re having a baby...” You said too smiling back at him. A huge smile too that brought more tears into your eyes. And suddenly Sam moved close to you and you moved closed to him with fast moves. He wrapped his shaking hands around you holding you tight. So tight. You wrapped your trembling hands around his neck and held him tight too and you rested your head on his shoulder as you were letting yourself cry and you could hear him sniff in your ear. You were having a baby. That wonderful feeling. That wonderful thing. That it was the most terrifying and the happiest thing that ever happened to you both. Sam pulled back smiling to you his eyes still wet like yours. He brushed his face to wipe of the tears still trying to calm down unsuccesfully. You smiled back to him. He looked into your eyes you looked back at him knowing what he was about to do. He hesitantly moved his hand towards your belly. He touched your belly gently still shaking a bit and he rubbed small circles with his thumb. You put your hands on his and you both took a moment to appreciate that at this moment you were both holding your little baby in your hands... You turned to Sam again and he kissed your lips firmly. You kissed him back putting your hands on his wet with tears cheeks brushing them gently. He wrapped his arms around you again holding you tight. You pulled back and rested your head on his shoulder with your arms wrapped around his neck.

“ I love you so much...” He said and you could hear the intensity of his feelings in his voice.

“ I love you too...” You answered.

“ We’re having a baby...” He said with a smile exhaling deeply.

“ We’re having a baby...” You repeated with a smile too taking a deep breath.

You’d be a mom. And Sam would be a dad... You were having a baby...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay ( again)... I was out of town...


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The First few weeks after finding out...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First ultrasound....

You called the doctor but you didn’t get the chance to speak to him. You spoke to his secretary and you booked an appointment in two days time. Meanwhile Sam called Cas asking him to stay with you for a couple of days. He didn’t tell him about the baby. The truth is that you both wanted to see his face when you’d tell him or more likely when he’d find out for himself. But it wasn’t just to tell Cas. You wanted him to reassure you that everything was alright. That the baby was fine. That made you feel worried but if nothing else you were feeling good so far. But you were waiting for Cas to reasure you.Sam told you he’d be there tomorrow afternoon.The rest of the day you did what you did every other day. Sam didn’t let you finish cooking he did it himself and you both had lunch together. You got your test results and put them in a drawer in your nightstand so that you wouldn’t lose them. Though everything was normal now you both had that feeling inside of happiness and excitement... After lunch you took some time to relax on the couch together.... Time passed and the sun went down. You were feeling sleepy now still lying on the couch with Sam gently brushing your legs on his lap. And as you started falling asleep you started thinking about the baby again and a smal smile lightened your face.

“ It didn’t even cross my mind...” You murmured to yourself. Sam heard you.

“ What?” He asked and you understood he didn’t hear exactly what you said and he thought you were talking to him. You smiled at him and repeated.

“ It didn’t even cross my mind... I thought this exhaustion and the slight nausea where just that...” You paused lost in your thoughts for a second and then you spoke again... “ But how the hell would I know... I was very tired with work lately and I’ve only been late for like three days... Nothing alarming...” You smiled and continued. “ But then we weren’t exactly careful lately...” You said and Sam chuckled. “ It should have crossed my mind” you concluded smiling.

“ So what do we do?” Sam asked “ Do we tell people now...?” He asked and turned to look at you unsure what he should do or what you wanted to do.

“ Well...Cas will be here tomorrow...” You said “ And I’ll call Jody sometime tomorrow when I get the time... I don’t want anyone else to know just yet...” You felt good with the baby being a secret for a while. You wanted a little time for just you and Sam before anyone else starts to share opinions and advice on the matter. Somehow it felt good not telling everyone just yet.

“ Alright...” Sam said smiling. And got up to make something for dinner. Extra healthy... He kissed you and headed to the kitchen when you asked for some apple juice with your food. You smiled to yourself and looked at Sam who was smiling at you too... Normally you hated apple juice...

After you had dinner you went to bed immediately as you started feeling that it was hard for you to keep your eyes open. You both changed your clothes and lied on the bed. You lied on your side and Sam lied close to you. He wrapped his arm around you protectively as your back was touching his chest. He rested his hand on your belly. You rested your hand on his softly. Your fingers slightly between his. He moved his fingers slightly and brushed yours gently before you both started drifting off.

The next morning he woke you up brushing your arm gently. You got up and checked the time. You started getting dressed immediately. Sam was already dressed when he woke you up and he was now waiting for you in the kitchen. You went down the stairs and entered the kitchen. He had already made breakfast with anything you could possibly imagine. You went for the sandwiches noticing there was no coffee for you. You knew you shouldn’t drink coffee so you looked around for juice. And as you expected you found a glass of apple juice. You smiled feeling extra hungry today. You moved close to Sam who was pouring coffee in a cup for himself and hugged him kissing his neck. He hugged you with one arm putting the cup down to hug you with both as you were burrying yourself in his chest. You could feel his breath in your hair. He was brushing your back gently. You pulled back and you saw him smiling at you. You smiled back and he leaned to kiss you lovingly on the lipsand you put your hands on his neck brushing his hair gently. You pulled back with a smile and you moved to sit at the table and you had breakfast together. Once you were done with your breakfast you went back to your room to get your jacket and some papers you needed for work. You met Sam again in the kitchen when you were ready to go. You kissed him goodbye and you left for work with a small smile on your face. You stayed at work till afternoon you’d brobably stay more but Mrs Feegs remembering how tired you were the other day decided you should go home early. You were careful not to tire yourself that day. And when someone asked for a book that was high on the selves you decided to ask for help getting it down. You left work and went back home as fast as you could hoping Cas was already there. But he wasn’t. When you got home you only found Sam who was anxious for you to eat even though you weren’t feeling that hungry. But you did grab a bite and then joined Sam on the couch to relax a little after work waitng for Cas. You started feeling sleepy again and Sam noticing that tried not to disturb you with his movements. But you got thirsty and you got up to get some water. Sam proposed to get it for you but you wanted to stretch a little to wake up cause Cas would be there soon. You were in the kitchen when you heard the doorbell. You put down the glass you had just filled with water and moved to the living room hearing Cas and Sam greet each other with a hug. You walked in with a huge smile on your face. Cas greeted you and moved towards you to hug you.

“ I’ll get some drinks...” Sam said heading to the kitchen. Which meant beer for him and juice for you. You hugged Cas back with a smile on your face. Thinking his reaction when he realises what is different about you. And then a sudden thought crossed your mind and made your heart sink a little, beating faster and the smile on your face fade. What if he notices nothing different about you. What if the test was wrong... You pulled back a little shaken by that thought. You haven’t even considered the possibility that the test might be wrong. Something inside you sank to join your heart... Cas was still smiling at you clearly happy to see you and you looked at him smiling but scared that he might not see what you were so certain he would. But then his smile started fading. Giving its place to his confused expression. An expression he started directing at your belly. Your heart skipped a bit and then started beating like a drum. The smile on your face widened. You heard Sam opening the fridge in the kitchen for the second time when Cas looked in your eyes again and moved hesitantly his head a little closer.

“ You’re pregnant...” He wispered with his gruff voice close to your face uncertain if Sam knew. Or even if you knew... But still with that tactless way that made you chuckle but it would most certainly give you a heart-attack if you didn’t already know.

“ Yeah...” You said in a low voice too your heart flattering in your chest. Cas understood from the calm tone of your voice and the lack of surprise in it that you already knew.But...

“ Does Sam know?” He asked not wispering anymore but his voice still low. Sam walked in behind you and left the drinks on the table. He looked at you and Cas talking catching the question.

“ Yes...” You answered and Sam smiled at Cas as he was walking to stand next to you. “ So is everything alright? Is it healthy?” You asked.

“ I think so...” He said and moved his head and hands reassuring you still in some short of a shock.

“ Alright...Great...” You heard Sam chuckling next to you and you recognised relief in his voice. You didn’t realise he was that worried. Maybe he didn’t let you realise it so that **you** wouldn’t worry. Cas coming back from his shock looked at both of you smiling.

“ Congratulations...” He said hesitating for a while not sure if that’s how he was supposed to express his delight. And he pulled you both in for a hug. You both chuckled and when you pulled back you all sat on the couch and talked for hours. Cas had a lot of questions about being pregnant. Mostly about your symptoms but you didn’t have much to say. Besides slight nausea and exhaustion you had nothing to say. But Cas was very curious about the whole thing. You cought him at some point staring at your belly like he was trying to comunicate in some way with the baby. He also put his hand on your belly like he saw Sam doing and you had to admire how his hand was exactly were your baby was at that moment. You had questions too as to what the baby feels. But you had to remind yourself it was too late to feel anything. Cas agreed to stay with you for a week or so. It was nice to have him around. But with all that you forgot to call Jody. So you postponed that phone call for a few days.

Next was your appointment with the doctor the next day. Sam went with you and you could see that he was nervous but he was holding your hand in the waiting room brushing your fngers lightly. You were feeling very comfortable now knowing from Cas that everything was alright. The doctor of course as it was his job prescribed a bunch of tests to do and you didn’t mind since you knew that everything was fine. The next part was the questions and you had a lot of those. You started asking about food,what symptoms you should expect, what you should avoid, what you should do, what you shouldn’t do. You found yourself feeling completely unprepared for this. The doctor calmed you down and explained everything to both you and Sam. You left the doctor’s office feeling much more certain. Sam was less nervous too. And excited as you were too when the doctor told you to book your first ultrasound in about two weeks. It was way to early but you had some cramps the night before that alarmed him. You knew there was nothing to worry about because the first thing you did last night was ask Cas is something was wrong. And he reassured you that everything was alright. The doctor told you it was probably nothing too but he wanted to be sure. The appointment was lengthy and when you got home it was already night. Sam cooked something for you and since it was still quite early for drugstores to be closed he took off to buy you the vitamines the doctor said you should take. The next morning once again you went downstairs for brekfast that Sam had already prepared. Once again it had everything that you could possibly want to eat. Cas joined you on the table to keep you company as Sam was pouring coffee in a cup. You moved close to Sam and kissed him good morning and you smiled to Cas taking a seat on the table. Cas spend the whole night watching TV. It seemed amazing to you how much it still fascinated him. You looked around at the table to choose what you wanted to eat. Or rather what you wanted to eat first because once again you were feeling extremely hungry. When you woke up you were feeling a little nauseous and you assumed you wouldn’t be in the mood to eat anything in the morning but it passed relatively quickly. You looked around for your glass of juice. But instead you found a glass of warm milk. You looked at it and then you looked at Sam who was just moving to the table. He understood the protest in your eyes.

“ (Y/N), come on...” He said trying to reason with you.

“ I hate milk...” You said protesting. And it was true. Unless it was in your coffee ( and that was rare too...) you hated it. You wouldn’t drink it now. Especially now.

“ ( Y/N), You need it...” Sam started talking ready to make an argument but you stopped him.

“ It makes me nauseous...” You complained and it was true. Even the idea of drinking milk was bringing back your nausea.

“ OK...” He said knowing that he could talk for hours about the benefits of drinking milk but he couldn’t argue with that. If it made you nauseous ,it made you nauseous. He moved to the fridge and poured some juice in another glass. He didn’t like that you didn’t want to drink milk but the juice was good too. After you were all done with your breakfast you left for work and so did Sam after asking you to make sure you got your vitamins. When you came back home Sam had already cooked and served you to eat. He spend the rest of the day doing your chores and his chores. You knew he was getting very tired and you didn’t like that. He was doing everything on his own lately giving you a lot of free time and rest. But you wanted to do something too. Still you got the time in the afternoon to call Jody to tell her the news. When you told her it took her a while to answer. And in that longer than usual moment you thought that maybe this was not a good move. Maybe by telling Jody you brought back memories you didn’t want to. But when she spoke again she sounded excited. Still you weren’t sure if that pause was just shock or adjustment to the news in some other way but you felt so good when she told you how happy she was and how happy you were gonna be. And when she started giving you advice and told you to call her if you had any questions you felt so good and calm. It relaxed you. You ended up speaking for hours and you promised to send her a picture of your first ultrasound. The next few days were calm although you did nothing more than going to work. You took a day off though to have the tests the doctor asked. Sam was with you the whole time but you weren’t worried at all. ( Except from the blood tests... You hated those needles but you did just fine...) The results were out relatively quick and normal as you already expected. That made you feel good but nothing like when Cas at lunch time after staring at your belly for a few seconds he said “ It’s growing” with wonder in his voice. It was a simple enough statement. Something you already knew but it made you feel so happy and so conscious of what was taking place inside you. You and Sam shared a huge smile at that moment before you both returned to your food. You also booked an appointment for your ultrasound that made you even more excited. And Sam more anxious apparently. He was doing everything at home. Cooking, cleaning, shopping. You wanted to do something too. So you joined him one day shopping but he didn’t let you carry any bags. You were trying to protest a little to all that. You liked being taken care of but Sam was becoming a little overprotective. Cas was helping him ( the way he could...because...well...It’s Cas...) before he left. You both promised to send him a picture of your ultrasound too. When he left you started doing a few things at home too but Sam didn’t like that because you were getting tired. Work was still fine except for a few books that still needed repairs and since you weren’t feeling any extreme symptoms of pregnancy you started taking some of them again home. So you opened the door coming back from work carrying three books in your arms. You closed the door behind you and turned around to head to the living room when you saw Sam emerging from the kitchen.

“ What are you doing?” He asked a little alarmed. You knew what he was refering at.

“ I can carry my own books...” You answered leaving the books on the living room table.

“ ( Y/N)...” He started saying coming close to you trying to make an argument “ You know you’re not supposed to carry weights...”

“ Thre’re not that heavy...” You answered patiently which made him give you a pissed off look.

“ You’re pregnant...” He said after a small pause with intense voice trying to get through to you. “ You can’t do everything on your own anymore...” He said not talking just about the books.

“ I can carry my own books...” You said trying to get through to him. He exhaled frustrated and left the room. You moved to the kitchen to find he had already served you dinner. He put a glass of juice on the table and he announced you he was going to take a shower. He didn’t sound mad at you. He sounded hurt. Which hurt you. You didn’t want to hear him like that. You took a deep breath and ate your food before heading upstairs. You changed your clothes and sat on the bed to read before you sleep. But you couldn’t concentrate. You were hearing the water run in the bathroom and you were waiting for it to stop. You knew how he was feeling. He wanted to take care of you. And you wouldn’t let him. He was feeling hurt just like you did when he showed up at Danny’s with a black eye and scratches on his hands and he wouldn’t let you take care of him. For him you were in a very delicate position. Like if you were injured or very very sick.You were pregnant. You were having a baby and that was huge on its own. Sam felt you needed to be taken care of. He wanted to take care of you as much as he possibly could. And he was hurt because you wouldn’t let him. And you understood that. And it made you smile. But you weren’t injured or very very sick. You were pregnant. A delicate situation but not a disabling one. You heard the water stop and in a few moments Sam was out of the bathroom and went straight to get dressed. He saw you looking at him and he cleared his throat stubbornly and lied on the bed with his back turned to you.

“ Goodnight...” He murmured stubbornly. All this time you were watching him with a smile on your face. He was so sweet even when he was stubborn. Because you knew that all this was just beacuse he loved you and he didn’t want anything to happen to you. And he was doing everything in his power to make sure of that. You put the book in your nightstand and brushed his arm gently. You felt him tense. You moved yourself under the covers and rested your head on his back. Before you could even get comfortable he turned around and wrapped his arms around you protectively. Because as stubborn as he was he loved you too much. He held you tight and you smiled in his chest with your heart flattering in yours.

“ I love you...” You said and that’s all he needed to hear.

“ I love you too...” He said with his warm voice. All stubborness and hurt gone. He kissed the top of your head. He pulled you carefully a little closer as you were lying on his chest and you both fell asleep.

The next morning everything was fine and although he didn’t like it he let you carry some other books to work without saying anything. He understood he needed to let you do stuff on your own. It was against his instinct to let you carry the books but he didn’t object. You kissed him goodbye and left. Your day at work was good until you tried to lift one of the books from your desk to put back on the shelf. It wasn’t a heavy book but when you got up from the chair you instantly felt nauseous and for a moment like you lost the world around you. You sat back on the chair with your heart beating like a drum and feeling ready to throw up at anytime. You realised cold sweat was running from your forehead but it was mostly because you got scared. The nausea started to fade. Your heartbeat started to return to each normal rate and soon all that was left was a slight tremble in your hands from the shock and fear. You put your heart on your belly allowing yourself to relax. Mrs Feegs wasn’t around. You knew that this kind of discomfort was normal. You brushed your belly a little and then you grabbed your phone. You called Sam to get you explaining that everything was fine so that he wouldn’t worry. You didn’t tell him about it yet. You were waiting for him when Mrs Feegs returned from the bathroom and you told her you were leaving. You had three books to be repaired on your desk. When Sam came in he greeted Mrs Feegs and you asked him to carry the books for you. He got them immediately and you both headed outside to get in the car. Once you were both in Sam asked you what happened and you explained him everything. He asked you worried if you were alright now . You reassured him and you both drove home. Sam brought your books inside. He served you something to eat and then you both sat on the couch after Sam helped you change because the nausea wasn’t quite gone and eating didn’t help. You both sat on the couch to relax and Sam was holding you in his arms brushing your back and arms gently as you were lying your head on his chest. He liked taking care of you. And you wanted it too. You felt like you needed it. But you didn’t want him to feel like you didn’t appreciate it when you didn’t need it. You wanted to make that clear. You didn’t want him to feel hurt like he did last night. So you opened your mouth and spoke.

“ Sam...” You started. “ I know I can’t do everything on my own...” You said and it was true. You couldn’t do everything on your own anymore. “ But as surprising as it sounds considering the lives we’ve led I’m not dying” You chuckled and he chuckled too. “ I’m pregnant... I know there are some things I can’t do... I’m not taking any risks with our baby... But there are some things I can still do on my own...” You said and you were about to continue but he spoke before you could.

“ I know...” He said to reassure you. “ I know...” He paused for a few seconds and he spoke again. “ But you’re pregnant... “ He said and for the first time he smiled at you and let you see how nervous and worried he was. “ We haven’t done this before... And I’m worried all the time... I’m worried that something might happen to you...” He continued saying anxiously. He took a deep breath and continued. “ I’m sorry...I guess I’m not handling it very well...” He chuckled nervously without looking at you. You smiled and answered.

“ I’m not handling it very well either...” You said and he looked at you swallowing hard waiting for you to continue. “ We haven’t done this before and I’m worried too. Today I felt a little dizzy and I got so scared I started sweating...” You said chuckling. You raised your hand and brushed his cheek. He was feeling he wasn’t handling it well but for you he was just being amazing. “ Do you have any idea how wonderful it feels to know that no matter what happens you’ll be there?...” You smiled to him and his eyes got a little wet. He was trying too hard not to show you how worried he was. And it made him feel wonderful the fact that him trying to take care of you made you feel this way. “ That if I feel bad you’ll be there?...” You continued brushing his cheek. “ And i’m not just talking about now...” You said and he leaned to press his lips on yours in a tender kiss. You moved your lips against his as he was brushing your back. You pulled back and he kissed your forehead before you rested your head on his chest again. He wrapped his arm around you and he moved his other hand on your belly. You held it there and you closed your eyes feeling his breaths as his chest was moving. Hearing his heartbeat as he was brushing your belly. “ I love you...” He said and you smiled. “ Both...” He added with a voice full of emotion. You raised your head and kissed him firmly on the lips with a heart beating hard. Or rather two hearts beating hard...

You spend some more time in the couch and when you started to feel very sleepy you got up to go to bed. You had completely forgotten your vitamins but Sam reminded you and you went to bed after taking them. The next few days till the ultrasound the symptoms started getting worse. Along with tender breasts , your increased visits to the bathroom, and the bloated stomach nausea started getting worse. You were waking up every morning feeling nauseous but it would pass withing the hour. It was a little worse when you woke up the morning of the ultrasound. You were feeling nauseous all day but luckily not to the point of not eating anything. Of course it didn’t help since you had to drink too much water so you could be at the edge of peeing for your ultrasound. Which was still uncertain if it’d show anything cause it was too early. And you were too nervous. But Sam kissed you before you left from home and told you that everything would be fine. You knew he was nervous like you were ( if not more ) but he wasn’t showing it. And even these few words of reassurance made you feel better. At least until you got in the waiting room were nervousness and the need to pee didn’t allow you to feel comfortable or stand very still. You noticed Sam moving his hands nervously too before they called you in. So you both got in and the woman performing the ultrasound asked you to remove the necessary clothing and lie on the bed. Sam stood next to you and you were so nervous you could hear your heart in your ears. Sam had one arm around you and he was holding your hand with the other. Or rather you were squeezing his. The woman talked to you and calmed you down a bit. She was a very pleasant woman. She was smiling a lot and told you that she would be able to determine how far in the pregnancy you were and other stuff. She also calmed you down in case nothing showed up with the abdominal ultrasound. So she put the jello in your belly and then started performing the ultrasound. She looked at the screen in front of her and you heard your heart beating like a drum again. After a few moments she looked at you smiling and told you that she was seeing your baby. Your heart exploded bringing a huge smile in your face. She took a few moments to write down some things and then she turned to you and Sam to tell you that you were 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant. She also said that she could see the baby’s heartbeat but you wouldn’t be able to hear it yet. Then she turned the screen to you and showed you with her finger without touching the screen where your baby was. You felt paralyzed. Your heart only beating very hard. There was this tiny thing in the screen. That was your baby. That little thing was your baby. Before you knew it your jaw trembled and your vision got blurry. You blinked twice fast and hard to get the tears out of your eyes and see your baby clearly. You felt the warm tears running down your cheeks. You felt Sam’s hand holding yours tight and you took your eyes off the screen to look at him. He was staring at the screen his eyes wet too. He sniffed and turned to look at you with a smile realising you were looking at him. He chuckled and kissed your forehead and as he was doing that you closed your eyes allowing two thick teardrops to leave your eyes again.

“ First one, ha...?” The woman chuckled commenting on the intensity of the emotions you and Sam had.

“ Yes”,“ Right”, You both answered and you both sounded a little breathless. You both couldn’t take your eyes of the screen. You were just holding each other’s hands tight brushing each other’s fingers tenderly knowing how intense this moment was for both of you. Sam was kissing the top of your head in a kiss that lasted longer than what you expected and then he turned his eyes back to the screen.You were just looking at this tiny thing... Your baby. You tried to hold back a few more tears. Once in a while you could hear Sam sniffing. You were just smiling widely to that little thing. To that little thing that was depending on you... And in that moment you were both so happy and so scared you were going to have a baby. That Sam would be a dad and you’d be a mom... And you both couldn’t help but wonder if you’d be good at it...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry I haven't posted for so long. A lot of things came up and I've been very very very busy... Thank you for your patience... Next chapter by December 20


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sharing insecurities and concerns...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Morning sickness kicks in...

The next few minutes the woman explained some more things to you and Sam and showed you some more details on the screen. You didn’t let each other’s hand go. Sam was brushing your fingers and you were brushing his. And there was this constant flattering in your heart. Eventually the woman turned off the screen and gave you paper towel to clean your belly and understanding you couldn’t hold it any longer she showed you were the bathroom was. When you returned in the room Sam was holding in his hands two photos of your baby. You smiled to him and he smiled back handing one to you. You thanked the woman and left. At this point you were feeling alright physically. You and Sam moved to the car and got in.

“ Wow...” He said in a distant voice lost in his thoughts. You noticed his hands trembling a little as he was looking at the photo he was holding.

“ Yeah...” You said looking at the photo he was holding too. You were smiling but your voice trembled a little and you were feeling new tears coming when Sam wrapped his arm around you. You laid your head on his chest still looking at the photo. As he was brushing your back gently with his warm hands you moved your hand and placed your finger brushing the point of the photo where your baby was meeting Sam’s thumb that was doing the same. You felt him kissing the top of your head firmly. You let a tear leave your eye born from the tenderness of the moment and you lied more comfortably on him. He broke the kiss chuckling breathlessly. You raised your head and you saw him looking at the photo again. He turned his head and smiled at you with the same breathless smile. He then leaned and kissed you making your heart flatter in your chest. His hand brushing your back. He wrapped his other arm around you too still holding the photo and he pulled you gently closer to him. You brushed his cheek with your hand as he was moving his lips against yours in a slow and tender kiss. You pulled back and brushed his hair a little as he was looking at you his thumb moving protectively close to your shoulder. You burried your face in his neck and he rested his head on your shoulder. You stayed there for a few minutes just holding each other. Then you pulled back and took the photo from Sam’s hands so that he could drive and you returned home. The ride home made you feel a little nauseous again but you felt better when you were there. You walked in and you both went upstairs to change. Then Sam kissed you briefly and headed to the kitchen to serve dinner as you were sitting on the couch taking your phone in your hand to call Jody and tell her everything. You also took a photo of the photo of your baby and sent it to her. Sam put his on the jacket he usually wears and you placed in your nightstand. Then you both had dinner and Sam treated you with a huge slice of chocolate cake he bought on his way home from work and you couldn’t help but wonder how did he manage to hide it from you. After you both ate from the cake ( which you enjoyed a lot!) You went to sleep. You rested your head on Sam’s chest sleepily and he wrapped his arm around you clearly more awake than you. You rested your hand on his chest too and he laid his hand on yours. His thumb gently brushing it. You felt him kissing the top of your head before you drifted off completely...

The next thing you felt was uneasinness in your sleep that brought you back from a deep sleep to a state of being half awake and half asleep. You could see images as dreams were starting to form. You were sailing in the sea on a boat that was moving a lot making you sick. But you knew you were dreaming and that you were actually on your bed right now. You also knew that what caused your dream was the nausea that was getting worse as time went by. In a few seconds of moving uncomfortably in your sleep you opened your eyes in discomfort feeling like butterflies were battling each other in your stomach. You immediately moved to a sitting position letting Sam’s hands drop in the process without realising it. You started taking deep breaths hoping that would relief the nausea. You run your hands through your hair and you felt you started sweating. You felt the bed move and then Sam’s arm brushing your back as he was getting up too fast.

“ ( Y/N)...Are you alright?” He asked worried and his voice sounded gruff.

“ I’m feeling nauseo...” You started explaining but before you got the chance to finish your sentence you felt your dinner making its way to your throat.You covered your mouth as fast as you could and you threw the covers off to run to the bathroom. But once you got there you felt your dinner was back to each place. The same discomfort in your stomach but you were no longer at the edge of throwing up. You felt the cold sweat in your forehead and arms. You tried to swallow but even your saliva made things worse at the moment. You felt Sam’s arms around you from behind under your hands to support you in case you’d fall. You let your head fall back against his chest and then your body followed taking deep breaths still tryin to control the nausea. Your hands were holding his and although you were feeling steady you noticed they were trembling because of the discomfort you were feeling.

“ You wanna lie down?” Sam asked and his voice sounded a little gruff again but less worried. You didn’t really feel like liying down. You felt that it would make the nausea worse but you started feeling your legs weak.

“ Yeah...” You said breathlessly nodding without looking at him and you started moving towards the bed. Sam’s arms still around you ready to catch you if you’d fall. You climbed on the bed and you did feel more comfortable lying back on the soft mattress. The nausea was still there but you weren’t feeling like you’d throw up any time soon. Sam sat at the bottom of the bed and brushed your feet as the tips of your toes were touching his thigh. The regular circles he was running with his thumb on your feet to soothe you did made you feel better. It made you relax and though the nausea wasn’t gone it was more bearable now.

“ Better?” He asked feeling your muscles relaxing.

“ Yeah...” You said and made yourself a little more comfortable in the bed. You started feeling your eyelids getting heavy. Sam was still brushing your feet gently and he kept doing that until your eyes were completely shut and you were falling into deep sleep. You felt him kissing your head briefly before lying next to you and you got lost in your dreams again.

In the morning you opened your eyes and the first thing you felt was the content of your stomach rising to your mouth. You threw the covers off as fast as you could and run to the bathroom to throw up. It was exhausting but also relieving and it left you breathing heavily and that’s when Sam got into the bathroom as fast as he could and kneeled next to you but beofore he could say anything you turned and threw up again. Sam tried to collect your hair in his hands as fast as he could. And a few seconds later you lifted your head form the toilet. You were sure you looked greenish and you had a burning sensation inyour chest but you were feeling relieved. Sam lifted up a little and flushed the toilet before moving close to you and hug you. You burried your head in his chest feeling exhausted and he helped you up. You were trembling as he was holding you just in case you’d feel like fainting and he helped you to the bed. You sat at the edge of the bed and he kneeled in front of you brushing your arms.

“ Too late for goodmorning, huh?” He joked smiling to you nervously still trying to make sure you were alright. You chuckled and he smiled back relieved as he was realising you were feeling better. And you were. As time went by you were feeling a lot better. Eventually you got up to get dressed and Sam insisted on helping you. After you were both dressed you let Sam get in the kitchen and prepare breakfast. You tried to join him and help him but any smell felt like it was triggering your nausea. So you got ready for work ( took your vitamins) and ate a sandwich that Sam made for you. You didn’t drink the juice cause you didn’t feel like you could keep it down. When you were ready to go you kissed Sam goodbye and got ready to leave but he held you back a little longer to give your belly a brush and another kiss to you.

Your day at work wasn’t a very tiring one and the nausea was completely gone really fast. You had a great time at work even though you were feeling very tired. You also had some time to just sit down and read a book. And this time you chose a pregnancy book for your spare time. And that’s when Mrs Feegs walked in and told you that she was bringing in some new books from an old friend’s house and she wanted help to carry them in ( apparently the driver of the truck that brought in the new books was the same guy as the first time you helped her...). You would gladly say yes but she told you she needed your help because the books were very heavy and you knew you couldn’t handle that much weight now. So you told her no and when she looked at you confused you smiled and explained the reason. She seemed very excited with the news and the first thing she told you was to take as many days off as you need when you need them. You weren’t planning on taking any days off right now but it was great to hear her say that. And she also took advantage of the situation to yell to the truck driver when he arrived.

“ Aren’t you listening? The girl is pregnant! Get your ass off that seat and help me carry those books...” He helped her whispering curses but he was pretty satisfied when he left with a huge tip. The rest of your day was fine and you were very relaxed. And when you got home very hungry. You haven’t eaten very well in the morning and now you were starving. You and Sam had dinner and then you had a shower. Just as you were finishing Sam knocked on the door to ask if you were alright. He was worried you might feel dizzy. He was doing that every time you had a shower. You answered and walked out of the bathroom a few minutes later to get dressed and join him in the bed. He opened his arms and you moved to in his arms. He wrapped his arms around you protectively. He kissed your head and wished you goodnight and you murmured goodnight exhausted and almost asleep.

You woke up again feeling sick. Your eyes bursted open and you threw the covers off to head to the bathroom. Sam woke up as you were getting up and he rushed to the bathroom too to help you. You threw up once more and after you were done you sat on the floor exhausted breathing heavily. Sam flushed the toilet and helped you up. You were trembling again. But you weren’t feeling better. You felt relief for a few minutes after throwing up but now the nausea was back and your stomach felt like it was twisting in every possible way. Sam was supporting your back.

“ Do you wanna get back to bed?...” He asked brushing your hand gently to soothe you. But this time it wasn’t working and you answered immediately.

“ No...” You said like the thought was scaring you. You were feeling that if you’d lie down now you’d feel a lot worse. “ I wanna walk...” You said. You felt like walking now would make you feel better. So you and Sam moved to the living room where you had more space and you started walking across the room. You did it a few times but it wasn’t enough. “ I want to get some air...” You said and started moving to the front door. Sam rushed to follow you as you were opening the door so the cool air could hit your face. Sam was right behind you again and he put your coat on your shoulders so that you wouldn’t get cold. You were taking deep breaths trying to feel better as the cool air was hitting your face making your nose freeze and Sam was holding you to keep you warm. He didn’t wrap his arms around you completely because he knew this would make your nausea worse. But he was holding your hand and brushed the back of it gently to soothe you. You started feeling slightly better. But a few minutes past and you didn’t feel like walking back in. The cool air was making you feel better.

“ You wanna go for a walk?” Sam asked understanding that you weren’t feeling like stepping back inside again. You haven’t thought about it till he said it. It was 3AM after all. But you were feeling like a walk in the cold air would make you feel a lot better.

“ Yeah...” You said breathlessly and you sounded exhausted from the discomfort.

“ Alright...” Sam answered and you both walked inside again. You went upstairs to get dressed. You got dressed as fast as you could and both you and Sam walked to the door. You were still feeling awful and you were looking forward to walk outside. You saw Sam brushing his eyes as he was about to open the door. You stopped and smiled to him for a second. He was exhausted too. He was working all day but he was about to take you for a walk at 3AM because you weren’t feeling well. He turned to look at you.

“ I love you...” You said to show him how much you loved him. And how much you appreciated the fact that he was ignoring his exhaustion for you and the baby. He smiled back to you.

“ I love you too...” He said kissing the top of your head tenderly while opening the door. You held his arm and he bend it so that you could rest your hand in his palm. He started brushing your hand gently as you were walking in the dark streets. The cool air started making you feel better. After an hour of walking the nausea wasn’t completely gone but it was bearable. So you started heading back home and once you arrived you both went to sleep exhausted. You didn’t sleep much. Soon you started waking up again. You were feeling alright though. But you heard the sound of pages turning. You realised Sam wasn’t sleeping. You opened your eyes sleepily. Slowly and quietly you turned around to look at him. He was sitting on the bed next to you and in his hands he was holding a book. You recognised it instantly. John’s journal. He was lost in his thoughts and he didn’t notice you were awake. You lifted yourself up to take a better look and that’s when Sam realised you were awake. He turned and looked at you startled.

“ Hey...” He said with a smile. His focus was on you now. “ Are you alright?” He asked concerned.

“ Yeah...I’m fine...” You said sleepily with a smile and moved closer to him. Sam smiled and you turned your eyes to the book. His hand was covering the page now. You moved yours and gently held Sam’s hand to put it aside. He moved it on his own once he realised it was covering the page but you didn’t let it go. You rested your head on his soulder and made yourself comfortable so you could read it together. He brushed your hand gently with his thumb. You brushed his fingers with yours as you were reading the page he was on. It was just a simple vampire hunt. But what Sam must have been reading was the last sentence. _“ I left Dean at home to take care of Sam...”_

“ He wasn’t the best dad...” He said in a low voice. He paused and he chuckled melancholically. “ He did a lot of things that I don’t agree with... But now I begin to understand why he felt like he had to do most of them... I don’t want to make the same mistakes he did...” He paused and took a deep breath “ You know, I spend my whole life blaming him for not being a better dad to me and Dean but now...” He paused and you turned to look at him. His eyes were getting wet. “ now... I realise this is not that easy. Being a good dad...” He swallowed hard and looked at you in the eyes. You saw the insecurity in his expression. The genuine question, that doubt in his mind. He was looking at you and you weren’t only seeing the strong independent man you loved in his eyes. You saw the kid that’s been through so much and was worried not to mess up something that was so important to him. You were listening to him closely looking straight into his eyes as he continued. “ Dean...was meant for this... He would be a great dad...”He swallowed hard again and his eyes got weter. “ Me...” He continued and looked at you the tears at the edge of his eyes. “ I want to be a good dad...but...” He looked like he was trying to find the right words to express this. “ I don’t know if I will...” He said looking at you. You were looking back at him as he was trying to control his emotions. And as you were holding his hand you brushed it gently and spoke.

“ Do you remember...” You started asking and you looked briefly at your hand brushing Sam’s. “... what was the first thing you told me after you told me I was pregnant?...” You voice trembled a little. “ You told me that I should be careful now... What I drink,what I eat...You told me that I have to be careful so that the baby and I would be fine...” You said and continued brushing his hand. He was looking at you waiting for you to continue. To comfort him. You smiled to him as your eyes started getting wet too. “ How is that not father material?...” You said and continued. “And after that every single day you make sure that our baby and I are fine in any way that you can...” You said still brushing his hand. His eyes were locked on yours and he was listening carefully to you. You looked at John’s journal and continued. “ You won’t make the same mistakes your dad did...” You said to reassure him. And you knew he wouldn’t because he learned from his father’s mistakes. Just like you did from your parents. You turned and looked at him again with a smile. “You’ll be a great dad...” You said confidently. Sam was looking at you. Hunging by your every word. He needed so much to hear this. That you believed he’d be a great dad. You brushed his hand with your thumb and added. “ And damn if you’re not off to a great start...” You said and chuckled. Sam chuckled too. His eyes still wet.

“ Yeah...” He said in a low voice nodding to you slightly with a small smile on his face. You moved closer to him and as you were both still very emotional you pressed your lips softly on his in a tender kiss. He moved his lips gently against yours. You moved your hands to his cheeks. You pulled back and smiled to him pushing his hair behind his ears. He smiled back to you and his eyes lightened. He gave you another tender kiss and when you pulled back you rested your head on his chest. He pulled you a little closer with a gentle move brushing rour arm with one hand and holding John’s journal with the other. You turned the page and you both read a little more of it before falling asleep in each other’s arms...

The next few days your morning sickness got even worse. And for you it was a combination of mornining and night sickness. You were waking up every morning throwing up and then you’d feel a little better for the rest of the day. And then you’d wake up in the middle of the night to throw up again. And the only thing that could relieve you a bit was walking in the cool air. Sam was going on long walks with you in the middle of the night. Though he was tired he did everything he could to make you feel better. Those walks in the middle of the night had become regular since every night you were up feeling nauseous. And things got even worse. You started feeling nauseous all day now. It was worse in the night and the morning but still you couldn’t eat well the whole day. Everything made you feel worse. And at the top of that you didn’t get enough sleep. So you ended up being even more exhausted than usual. You started considering to take some medication to relieve the nausea. You wanted to avoid it but if things continued like that you’d find yourself dehydrated and even more exhausted. Combined with the fatigue the pregnancy was causing. You were a wreck... So those pills didn’t sound like such a bad idea especially in the morning when you woke up with your dinner making it’s way to your throat. You got up to get to the bathroom again but you didn’t make it. You were almost there when you couldn’t hold back and you threw up on the floor. Sam was instantly next to you. You lifted your head again breathing heavily.

“ Go...” Sam told you urgently. “ I’ll take care of this...” He said and rushed to clean the floor up as you were rushing to the bathroom. He knew that you’d throw up again soon like you did every morning for the whole week. And you did. And then again... And then again... You cleaned yourself up with trembling hands and reflex tears in your eyes. You started feeling very weak now. Your legs failing you and you put your hands in the sink to hold on. Sam had an eye on you as he was moping the floor and when he was done he saw you trying to hold on on the sink and he rushed to the bathroom.

“ Hey...” He said urgently putting his arms around you to support you. He helped you to the bed and once you sat down you started feeling better. He kneeled in front of you and brushed your arms. He then kissed the top of your head and helped you back to bed since it was Saturday. He then sat at the bottom of the bed and brushed your feet gently to soothe you. It helped you get some sleep but it didn’t help the nausea and when you woke up again around lunch time you threw up again. You managed to eat a little and you spend the rest of the day lying on the couch watching a movie with Sam. But you fell asleep during the first half hour as Sam was brushing your shins. When you woke up again it was night. Sam was in the kitchen to make something for dinner and when he realised you were awake he served dinner and you ate together in the living room. After that you went to bed and once again you fell asleep immediately but not for long. You woke up again a couple of hours later feeling nauseous again. Sam woke up too and as you did the previous nights you got dressed and went for a walk outside. It was almost midnight and you weren’t feeling better. Sam was talking to you about funny things that happened at work but you were feeling so bad that the only thing he could get from you was a slight chuckle. A few times you had to stop walking cause you felt like you’d throw up in the street. But then the urge was gone and you kept walking. You walked further than usual until you got to the sherif’s house. You both recognised it just as a car was stopping right in front of the house. The sheriff and his wife got out and spotted you immediately. Sam told the sheriff about the baby a few days ago. And then he told Matt the same day too. You would have told him yourself but he didn’t have the time to visit the library lately.

“ Winchester...” The sheriff greeted Sam.

“ Sheriff...” Sam greeted him back a little bit surprised. Still brushing your hand as he was holding it. The sheriff turned and smiled to you briefly. You gave him back a small and tired smile.

“ How are you?” He asked Sam. Sam smiled and he was ready to answer when the sheriff’s wife emerged from the car where she was looking for her bag and walked towards her husband.

“ Alfred! What’s taking you so long! Go open the door...The kids are waiting for us...” She cmplained. She hadn’t seen you and Sam yet.

“ Just give me a moment, Shelley! I’m talking here...” The sheriff answered a little angry. Just as she realised your presence. She smiled to both of you and then turned to you.

“ Are you alright,dear?” She asked. You probably didn’t look very well. Your face must have had a greenish color and you probably seemed like you’d fall down any second.

“ I’m a little nauseous...” You said.

“ Got it...” She said in a determined tone. And then she turned to both you and Sam. “ Come in...” She said to both of you with a smile. You and Sam were ready to argue that there was no reason for this and head back home but the sheriff spoke before you could.

“ Shelley...” He tried to make a point but she looked at him with a stubborn look on her face.

“ I said come in...” She said in a determined voice to her husband who exhaled defeated. “ Come with me, dear” She said to you with a sweet voice leading you away from Sam to the door of their house. You heard the Sheriff behind you speak again.

“ Whatever the Mrs says...” He joked mostly to himself. You turned your head to look at Sam as he was moving to the door with the sheriff and you two shared a nervous smile. When you walked in the house with the sheriff’s wife you saw their kids watching Tv and being very loud. They all turned and greeted the sheriff as well as you and Sam and the sheriff’s wife led you to the kitchen. The sheriff kept Sam out of the kitchen in the living room talking casually.

“ Sit down,dear...” she said gently and you found the nearest chair and sat down. You were starting to feel weak so sitting down didn’t help your nausea but it made you feel a little better. “ I’ve got just the thing for you...” She said and opened the fridge. You were watching her confused. What could be the thing for you? But you were too exhausted to think about it any longer. But you couldn’t help but look surprised when she got a lemon out of the fridge and cut it in half offering you the biggest half. “ Smell it...” She urged you with a smile. “ It will help with the nausea...” She said reading your confusion. You took the lemon in your hand and smelled it hesitantly. But once you did your stomach felt lighter. Like everything was falling into place and the butterflies stopped battling each other. You took a few more sniffs and everytime it made you feel even better. You took another sniff and exhaled in relief. The nausea wasn’t completely gone but you were feeling better than you felt in days. She sat next to you and spoke again seeing the relief and the smile that just lightened your face. “ That helped my son’s wife too when she was pregnant with my grandson...” She said to you and you looked at her smiling.

“ Thank you...” You said with relief.

“ You’re welcome...” She smiled to you. “ We’ll stay here until you feel a little better...” She said and she made you feel at home. She started talking to you about her own pregnancies and how the lemon helped her too. But it wasn’t enough as she had it a lot worse with morning sickness than you did. She offered you a slice of cake too which you ate as you were feeling a lot better now. Then you got up and walked outside. You had a smile on your face and it was mostly a smile of relief. Sam recognised it and smiled back to you knowing you were feeling better. The sheriff and his wife greeted you and gave you a few slices of cake to take with you. Sam put his arm around you again and you rested your head on his chest heading back home. Once you walked in you went straight to the kitchen to cut another lemon and place it on your nightstand to smell it your sleep. You went upstairs with Sam and put the lemon on your nightstand and climbed exhausted on the bed. Sam lied next to you and wrapped his arm around you pulling himself closer to you gently. The warmth of his chest against your back was very comforting. His hand rested on your belly and you rested yours on his. He brushed your fingers and kissed your head tenderly as you were falling asleep...

The days that followed were significantly better. The lemon did wonders for you. Your nausea was reduced a lot. And you only got up in the night twice. Some days were still better than others but generally you were feeling better. And you were also feeling great the day of your next ultrasound. Sam had to leave early from work to be there. And it was worth it cause you finally got to hear the baby’s heart. It was beating really fast and it made your heart flatter in your chest. You couldn’t help but feel your eyes flooding. And you noticed Sam’s eyes getting wet. You left from there with another picture of your baby and huge smiles on your faces. You were feeling so happy. But you were also feeling scared. You heard your baby’s heart for the first time. And there was no greater feeling. That little thing that was developing inside you. That was depending on you and Sam completely. This little thing’s life that was completely in your hands and it was your responsiility. To take care of it. To make sure it is healthy. To make sure it was happy...Everything... You had to do that. The baby depended on you doing that... And that woke up inside you the big question. Would you be good at that? Would you take good care of your baby? Would you be a good mother? The thoughts were running through your head all the way to the car and then on the way home and when you sat on the couch to relax making you awfully quiet. You were lost in those thoughts. And Sam noticed.

“ Are you alright?” He asked confused as he was making his way to the couch to sit next to you. You had your hands on your belly. That to you it seemed a little swollen. You brushed your belly a little and your heart flattered in your chest again with happiness and fear...

“ I’m fine..” You said casually turning to look at Sam. “ It’s just...” You started saying and this time your tone got very emotional. Sam was listening to you closely. He left the glass of water he had in his hands on the table slowly without taking his eyes from you. “ I love our baby **so** much...” You started saying. “ But I don’t know how to be a mom...” You said with a tone of desperation in your voice. You looked at him feeling you were letting it all out. Searching for comfort in his eyes. “ I don’t know if I will be a good mom...” You said not really sure how to explain this better. You didn’t know how to take care of a baby. You never thought you’d have to. You always believed you’d live your whole life as a hunter and that you’d also die as one. You never thought you’d have this. Having a child with a man you loved more than you could say. And now that it was happening. You knew you loved this baby so damn much but you didn’t know how to be a mom. You knew baby’s don’t come with manuals and no one ever knows at first how it is to be a parent. Which was leaving you with the question. If you didn’t know how to do it. You didn’t know if you could do it...You wanted so damn bad to be a good mom to the little person that was depending on you and you loved so much...But Would you make it? Would you be a good mom? You felt Sam’s arm around you and you twisted to lie your head on his chest and he pulled you close with both his arms around you. You took a deep breath to let of some steam.

“ I know it’s not easy...” He said brushing your arm gently. His voice sounded a little gruff. “ And I know it’s scary...” He said and he chuckled nervously. He wasn’t just talking about you now. He was talking about himslef too. It wasn’t easy for both of you. And it scared both of you. It’s not easy being a parent... But you were in this together. You’d do this together. You’d do the best for your baby together. And together you’d make it. You smiled at the thought and turned your head to look at Sam. “ But...” He said and his voice sounded a little gruff again as you were looking at him. His expression like he was in deep concentration. He turned to look at you and continued. His eyes locked on your. “ I know...” He said and smiled to you nervously.You noticed his eyes being a little wet. “...that there’s no way you won’t be a good mom...” He concluded looking at you with a small smile. Your heart left a hard beat that warmed your whole body. A smile fromed on your lips and your eyes flooded. Sam chuckled again seeing your smile. You leaned slowly and kissed his lips.You moved your hand to his cheek and then through his hair as his hands were brushing your back. His lips were moving against yours gently. You pulled back and looked at him once more before kissing him again. A more passionate kiss. Sam moved his lips against yours. And soon the kissed deepened. His hands moved to your waist and yours pulled him closer in a passionate kiss. You felt him pulling you closer to his chest instinctively. It’s been so long since you’ve done this. You haven’t had sex since you found out you were pregnant. You weren’t feeling well those weeks and the last thing on your mind was sex. And you realised just how much you’ve missed this. How much you’ve missed him. How much he missed you. How much you wanted to feel his hands on your lower back like that. How much he missed you kissing him so passionately... But you both stopped and pulled back from the kiss. You looked at each other breathing heavily for a few moments. You looked at each other and the same thing crossed your mind. You were both so caught in all the pregnancy related stuff and to make sure your baby was fine that you completely forgot to ask the doctor about sex. And now you knew that though you both wanted it so much you shouldn’t proceed yet...

“ Maybe we should ask the doctor first...” Sam said with a smile taking a deep breath after finishing his sentence.

“ Yeah...” You agreed and smiled back to him gently. You leaned again and pressed your lips on his gently. Your hands caressing his cheeks. He moved his lips against yours in a tender kiss. You both pulled back and you rested your head back on his chest and he held you tight. You stayed there for a while and then you both moved to go to sleep. Tomorrow was your next visit to the doctor and you also both had to work in the morning so it would be a tiring day. In the morning you threw up once again but after sniffing some lemon everything was back to normal. And you also had great appetite. You both went to work and met back at home to go to the doctor. You got nervous that you’d miss your appointment cause Sam wasn’t home in time. Apperently he was delayed at work because there was a new case. The doctor made you have some tests and checked for the baby’s heartbeat. And to yours and Sam’s excitement you got to hear it again.The doctor checked that everything was alright and informed you. He also reassured you that there was no danger for the baby or you to have sex.And that was nice to hear it so both you and Sam wouldn’t worry. And after the doctor wished you well you both left to get back home.

Once you did you went upstairs to get some rest and maybe read a little as Sam stayed in the living room with his laptop to write a report as the sheriff asked him too. You started undressing and you were left only with your underwear and you couldn’t help but look in the mirror. The doctor measured your weight today and you had gained a little. It wasn’t more than it should and that was a good thing. But you started wondering wether you started showing. You moved in front of the mirror and turned to your side and checked your belly. It was a little bigger than before but you weren’t sure if your baby was causing that or if you were just bloated. You didn’t really mind you just run your hand on your belly and brushed it gently with a small smile on your face. Your little baby...You felt so much love and protectiveness... Your heart was flattering in your chest...You were so happy...

You put some more comfortable clothes on and went back to the living room. You expected to find Sam there but the only thing you found was his laptop. Then you noticed a flickering light coming from the kitchen. You approached quietly and you saw a table with dinner served on it. Two glasses with juice in them ( cause you weren’t allowed to drink alcohol) and candles. Sam was lighting up another candle. He took a step back and he noticed you watching with a stunned smile on your face. He looked at you and smiled widely. You moved closer to him and wrapped your arms around his waist. He wrapped his arms around you too as you were admiring the table.

“ We haven’t done this in a long time...” He said smiling. “ I thought it would be nice...” He said looking at the table proud of his accomplishment. You took your eyes off the table and looked at him.

“ It’s beautiful...” You said with a gentle smile on your face. You stepped on your toes to get close to his lips but he leaned so you could kiss him easily. You pressed your lips on his and you moved your hands from his waist to his neck and wrapped them around it. He wrapped his arms around you and held you tight. He kissed you back in a strong but gentle kiss. You brushed his hair and you both deepened the kiss. You pulled back and smiled to him. “ We can eat later...” You said.

“ Yeah...” He answered and chuckled nervously. He leaned again and you both got lost in a sweet kiss. Sam pulled back again and looked at you. He took a deep breath with a serious expression “ If you feel anything...Anything at all...” He said concerned and his voice sounded gruff.He was still worried about hurting the baby or you. The doctor did say that there was no danger but he was still worried.To Sam you were very vulnerable now and he wanted to be sure that he wouldn’t hurt you. Both...

“ So I’m supposed to feel nothing?” You joked smiling at him to get him to relax. Sam exhaled deeply and let his head fall back. He clearly didn’t enjoy being teased about this. You smiled and with your hands on his neck you pulled him gently closer to you and spoke in a calm voice ans warm voice.

“ If I feel even the slightest discomfort I promise I’ll tell you...and we’ll stop...” You said caressing his cheek. He looked at you taking a deep breath relaxing as your words comforted him and reassured him. You kissed his lips and he moved his against yours in a loving kiss. You pulled back and looked straight in his eyes. “ I love you...” You said in a deep and serious voice.

“ I love you too...” He said in a serious voice too and leaned to kiss you once more. You kissed him back passionately deepening the kiss. Your heart started beating like a drum and you could feel Sam’s pulse on his neck fast. He run his hands slowly from your waist to your hips. Your skin tingling were his hands touched making you break the kiss briefly to leave a content sigh. He lifted you gently and slowly and you wrapped your legs around his waist. He kissed your neck gently but passionately. You left a sigh and he returned to your lips leaving a sigh before kissing them again. He carried you as carefully as possible to the bed and he laid you down with slow and careful moves. He was very gentle and very careful. In every touch...In every kiss...And this was one of your best times. Soon you were both moaning against each other’s body. And when you were done you were both sweaty and you were breathing heavily. Sam lied next to you and gently pulled you in his arms as you were both still trying to catch a breath.

“ Wow...” You said breathlessly with a wide smile on your face.

“ Yeah...” Sam chuckled his breaths returning to normal like yours.You rested rour hand on his chest. You lifted your head to look at him and he leaned giving you a loving kiss. You pulled back and laid your head on his chest again. You closed your eyes feeling sleepy. He held you tight pulling you closer protectively. He kissed the top of your head tenderly and you planted a small kiss between his neck and shoulder before resting your head on his chest again.

“ I love you so much...” He said in a low voice.

“ I love you too...” You murmured...You started drifting off feeling his chest moving with every breath. His thumb running circles gently on your back. You slowly started falling asleep in each other’s arms...

Thenext morning you woke up feeling nauseous again but you didn’t throw up. You cut a lemon and sniffed it again which made you feel a little better. Sam also brought you lemonade hoping this would help too but it didn’t. You didn’t feel like drinking lemonade at all. So you sticked with your usual craving for apple juice. Once both you and Sam had breakfast you both left for work. Your day wasn’t that easy this time. Mostly beacuse you had a lot of books to categorise and you couldn’t feel comfortable on your chair at all. And taking a small walk around the library wasn’t helping much. So you went back home very tired having eaten only a sandwich for lunch. You had a lot of work and you called Sam to tell him that you’d be back late in the afternnoon. When you returned home you found him in the living room reading something on his laptop. Once he saw you coming in he got up and kissed you. He asked you how you were feeling brushing your belly gently. You assured him that you were fine and starving. He had cooked but you didn’t really want that.You had a craving for onion rings. Lots and lots and lots of onion rings. Sam didn’t really like that cause it wasn’t the healthy food he had in mind but he knew that a craving was a craving. You sat on the couch and put your feet up on a cushion as he put on his jacket and kissed you goodbye announcing you he would go on the search for onion rings (lots of onion rings...). You managed to take a nap on the couch but the smell from the onion rings when Sam walked in woke you up no matter how much he tried to be quiet. You jumped right off the couch and got your onion rings sitting back on the couch with Sam. You ate them and more and more until you felt full. And it was so satisfying. You lied back on the couch with a small smile that made Sam chuckle. Then you went upstairs to get some sleep. Sam told you he had some work to do on his laptop. So you went upstairs and lied on the bed deciding to read a book before you went to sleep. You were so cought up in the book that you didn’t realise an hour had passed. You only realised it when Sam walked in and you raised your head from the book.

“ Hey...” He said and sat next to you on the bed.

“ Hey” You said putting your book down.

“ So...the sheriff called... “ Sam started saying. “ And he is going on a stakeout with another officer and he wants me to go too...I don’t know...” He said scratching the back of his head not knowing what the sheriff might need him for.

“ Alright...” You said casually.

“ Will you be alright?” Sam asked you. Not because he thought you couldn’t handle being alone. But because he didn’t like leaving you alone.

“ I’ll be fine...” You reassured him. He put his hand on your belly and moved his thumb gently on it.

“ If you feel anything...” He said turning back to you with the same concerned look on his face. “ If you need anything...”

“ I’ll call you...” You smiled and finished his sentence.

“ Alright...” He said satisfied with your answer. He leaned to give you a brief but loving kiss. “ I love you...” He said pulling back.

“ I love you too...” You said and put your hand on his neck to pull him back in for another brief but tender kiss. He got up with a small smile and left the room. Soon you heard the door of your house closing back behind him. You kept reading your book for a while but then you felt sleepy and left it on your nightstand to get some sleep. But you felt that craving again for onion rings. Good thing Sam brought a lot. You were tired but you wanted the onion rings really bad. So you sneaked out of bed and went down the stairs yawning to get some onion rings. You switched on the lights but you noticed another light shining in the living room. Sam forgot his laptop on. You decided to take a detour and close his laptop for him before indulging in your craving. You sat on the couch leaving another big yawn and looked at the computer’s screen. It was open on an article about a death in your town. You asssumed that was the case Sam must have been working on. You took a look at the article. At first it surprised you how come there was a death that you heard nothing about. But apparently the guy was the kind of person no one would miss. No important job. No family. Moving around from place to place every year or so. It made sense no one mentioned it. The article was talking about him dieing in a wierd way. That sounded awfully familiar. You drove the thought away and continued reading. What they thought wierd could be something you could easily explain. You kept on reading until you found the paragraph that described how the body was found. Ripped apart ...heart missing...Heart missing!... Your heart started beating like a drum as you started realising what was going on. You knew what that meant... “ Werewolf...” You whispered to yourself as you started panicking... Sam wasn’t in a stakeout with the sheriff. Your heart skipped a beat... He was on a hunt...alone... And probably in danger...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be posted by January 1st or 2nd! :-) Best wishes to all of you...


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam's on a hunt and that brings things to the surface...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Y/L/N) -> Your Last Name

Your first impulse was to get dressed and go find him. But you knew you couldn’t. You would put yourself and the baby in danger if you did this. In other words you couldn’t help.You took a deep breath to calm yourself down. You could feel your heart beating really fast. You kept staring at the article while as all sorts of scenarios crossed your mind. Sam was alone in a hunt. You touched your belly and your thumb run soft circles in an attempt to calm yourself. You exhaled deeply. You started putting your thoughts together and thinking more reasonably. You were overeacting. Yes...Sam was alone on a hunt... But he is Sam... He is the best hunter in the whole damn world! He’ll be fine! And he’ll be back before you know it... But what if something goes wrong...That uninvited thought made your heart sink. You tried to reassure yourself telling you that nothing would go wrong. But you couldn’t! You were in the dark. You didn’t know where Sam was. Or what his plan was. And you couldn’t help! Even if something went wrong you couldn’t help. And the worst part was that no one else could! Jody was too far away and Cas...Cas was far away too. And of course if something went wrong you had no means of knowing it. You could wait for Sam all night. And find out that something went wrong if he didn’t show up in the morning! You shook your head to shake the thought away. You could call him. He told you to call him if something was wrong. So he has his phone on vibrate mode... Normally he should... But you weren’t sure... You couldn’t be sure... And what if you called and his phone rang blowing his cover? You couldn’t possibly be sure that that wouldn’t happen. And you weren’t willing to take that risk. You got up and started pacing with your hand brushing your belly to calm down. You thought about going to find him again. But the hand on your belly reminded you why you couldn’t. But even if you could. You didn’t know where to go. You sat on the couch again and run your hand through your hair. He didn’t tell you about the hunt. You didn’t know where he was. If he had told you about the hunt you’d feel better. Now you were just feeling lost! You didn’t know what to expect. When he should be home... when to know that something went wrong... He didn’t tell you! You felt anger building up inside because you were so worried about him. You took a deep breath and let your anger go. You knew why he didn’t tell you. He loved you and the baby so much...Sometimes he was more worried than you were and you knew that. And he didn’t tell you about the hunt to avoid what just happened. To avoid you being worried about him. Knowing him you could bet your ass that his plan was for you to never find out that there was a case in your town and get worried that he put himself in danger. You didn’t agree with it. But you knew this was his way to protect you and the baby. To keep away from you the stress and worrying of even the idea of hunting... And of course he went on the hunt. Anything to keep you and the baby safe. You agreed that if there was a case in your town you’d take care of it. And now it was. And neither he nor you would put your baby in danger by you going on the hunt. So he decided to do it alone... Completely alone! You exhaled deeply... You’d worry if you knew about the hunt too. Of course you would. But not like you did now! If you knew you could have helped him with research...making a plan... You’d know what to expect. You’d know when to expect a phone call. And be ready to call for back up if something went wrong. Now... Now you were feeling there was nothing you could do. You sat on the couch and kept looking at the door every now and then for Sam to come back reminding yourself and your baby that he was the best hunter in the whole damn world... Nothing would go wrong...Right?

**Sam’s point of view**

I got out of the car and went to the trunk. The warehouse is just a block away. I opened the trunk and got a gun and loaded it with silver bullets. There is no need to be worried that someone will see me. The street is dark and empty. That’s why the werewolf chose this place to stay... I closed the trunk again and I started moving towards the warehouse. Before I got close I checked my phone. It was in vibrate mode. ( Y/N) was still awake when I left... But she must be asleep now... I put my phone in the pocket of my jeans to make sure I’ll feel it if she calls. And I hope she won’t have to. My heart left a hard beat at the thought of something happening to her or the baby. I don’t like leaving her alone... I want to go back home and make sure everything is alright. I know that everything probably is alright. But since I found out she is pregnant... I worry way too much. All the time. And not just for her anymore. For our baby too... I let my thoughts travel back home to them... I love them both so much... That’s why I’m on this hunt in the first place. Without telling ( Y/N)... I don’t like it but I think it’s best this way... If I told her I would go on a hunt she would get worried. And this could hurt both her and the baby... I still remember her face when I got shot. When she was crying during the night at the hospital. She wouldn’t let me know that she got worried and scared as hell...It even gave her nightmares... So I went on the hunt alone... I’ll take care of this case and she won’t worry...

I get close to the warehouse careful not to be heard. But I’m not sure anyone’s in. There is no light. Nothing to indicate that someone is there. And it’s really dark for me to see clearly if someone is in. But as I aproached I started hearing sounds. Someone chewing and...snarling. I get closer trying not to make even the slightest sound. I get close to the window from the side but suddenly the chewing stopped. I turn around with a sudden move and I hide with my back to the wall next to the window. I take short and silent breaths until the chewing starts again. I hold the gun with my finger at the trigger and I take a peek without revealing myself. It’s still dark but I can now see a man on his knees. Claws and all... chewing something. Something I’m pretty sure came from the dead body in front of him. He is covered in blood. I take my eyes away from the window again. How can I get in now... I could shoot him from here but it’s dark enough and I don’t have a clear shot. I carefully walk past the window to a door on the other side. From where the werewolf was sitting the door should be behind him. Giving me the element of surprise. Opening the door would make enough noise for him to understand he is not alone. But if I open the door fast enough I might be able to shoot him without a fight. I checked the door and I realise it’s not locked. Opening the door slowly would cause it to squeak and he’ll hear me. So I decide to give the door a strong kick and Judging from its age it should open. If not I can still run for cover and kill the werewolf when he walks outside to check... So I take a deep breath and I give the door a strong kick. It opened faster than I expected and for a brief moment I was happy with it. Until I saw the werewolf already jumping at me roaring. I shoot. But in the darkness I miss. He fell on me and put his elbow on my neck. My back was hurt when I hit the ground. The gun slipped from my hand. The werewolf is smiling at me with his hand pressing my neck cutting my air supply. I try to free myself with my hands but I can’t. I can feel my heart beating fast and hard on my whole body and I’m sweating striving for air. I’m starting to feel dizzy. His stinky breath on my face as he moves his face closer to mine.

“ You hunters stink...I’ve been getting your smell since you got here...” He said snarling. His eyes looking enthusiasticly at me. I’m still trying to get away but I can’t. He chuckled. “ Let’s see how you’ll feel becoming the bad guy...” He said mockingly. My eyes go wide as he removes his hand and immediately moves fast to bite me.

“ No...” I said gruffly grabbing his neck with my hand before he could bite me and pushing his away. He lied flat on the ground ready to get up as I got up running to my gun. I grab it as I hear him snarl running towards me. I turn around and shoot as fast as I can as he jumps to get me. The bullet killed him spilling blood everywhere. Just a few drops on my face. I stand there for a minute breathing heavily. I check to see if he is dead... No pulse... I take a deep breath... I get up and start cleaning up the scene so that I won’t have any problems at work... wild animal attack will be the police’s guess and I’ll support that... I walked back to the car... I cleaned myself up. My hands that were all bloody and my face. Then I checked my phone again. No calls. Everything must be fine... I relax... I take my phone and put it back in my pocket. As I sit on the driver’s seat I feel a sharp pain on my back. I lift my shirt to see a huge bruise. I’m not sure how I can hide this from her... I take a deep breath... I start the car... I drove home and I walked straight to the door. I found my keys and opened. But as I opened the door I heard footsteps from inside and I saw ( Y/N) walking towards me from the living room!

“ Hey...” I said alarmed as she started walking towards me slower just looking at me. My heart startes beating faster and faster. Cold sweat running down my forehead. Why was she awake? She should be asleep right now. I look at her face that looks worried and I feel my heart sink as I move my eyes to her belly and then to her face again. “ Are you alright?” I said and my voice sounded gruff and my eyes wide open for the answer. I didn’t get any calls. Why didn’t she call me? I start to panic when I look into her eyes and I see that she is calmer now. But I’m still not relaxed... They are my family... If anything happens to her or our baby...I don’t know what I would do...

“ I’m fine...” She said exhaling deeply. But calm. Now I let my self calm down too. And that’s when I realised I was holding my breath as I released it in relief. My heartbeat starts getting back to normal. She took a deep breath relieved too and walked towards the couch. That relief confused me. And I looked at her again for something I might missing. Anything that could be bothering her as I turn around to close the door. She sat on the couch and put both her hands on her belly brushing it shoftly. She looked at me and spoke.

“ Did you kill the werewolf?” She asked calmly and I froze. My heartbeat started rising again and I felt my muscles tense. I look in her eyes with a terrified epression on my face. I swallow hard as I start to connect the dots. She was awake because she was waiting for me. And the relief that confused me was because I came back fine. But how did she find out?...My laptop... is on the table in front of her...I don’t remember closing it...or the article... I exhale deeply and I lower my head. She knows... She must have been so worried. I raise my head and look at her again. I swallow hard once more as guilt spreads from my chest to my whole body paralising me. I know why I didn’t tell her but that doesn’t make me feel less guilty now that she found out and I know that she spend hours worrying about me. And I can understand why she wouldn’t call. She knew I was on a hunt. She thought she would put me in danger if my phone rang...

**Your point of view**

Sam was standing close to the door looking at you. You were more than relieved that he was back and he was fine. No blood on his clothes and no visible injuries. The worst he could have was some bruises. You both came back from every hunt with at least one bruise. Your heart was still beating really hard but you were calming down. Waiting for Sam felt like more than it actually was having no idea when he should be back. You rubbed circles with your thumb on your belly to calm the baby down. You knew that the baby most certainly felt you stressing out and you were trying to calm it down calming yourself down too in the process. You were looking back at Sam. You could see the guilt in his eyes. A pained expression in his face.

“ ( Y/N)... I’m sorry...” He started saying and his voice was low and gruff. He started moving towards the couch. You were still watching him. You weren’t pissed off. You knew he didn’t tell you because he cared for you. But he shouldn’t have kept you in the dark. And you didn’t like it and you didn’t agree with that. But you weren’t pissed. “ Ok...I know I messed up...” He continued as he was moving to the couch to sit. His voice was gruff and trembling a little. He sat on th couch next to you and continued trying to get through to you. “ I thought it was the best thing to do...” He said and brushed his face with his hand before continueing in a lower tone. “ I didn’t want you to get worried cause it would hurt you and our baby and I thought this was the best way of making sure that didn’t happen...” He paused taking a deep breath. He closed his eyes briefly and continued in a lower voice “I’m so sorry...” He said and his voice trembled. He opened his mouth to speak again moving his hands without looking at you unsure if there was anything more he could tell you to make you feel better. After a small pause you spoke.

“ I know...” You said calmly turning a little more to face him better. Your hands still on your belly. “ I get it...” You said and he looked at you speechless. His expraision full of pain. His swallowed hard closing his eyes briefly... He could imagine what you’ve been through having no idea where he was or when he should be back and that made him hurt so much...You took a deep breath and continued... “ But you shouldn’t have kept me in the dark...” You said firmly.

“ I know...” He started saying ready to appologise again and he lifted his hands again as he started speaking but you interrupted him and raised your hand to catch his in the movement.

“ Just listen to me...” You said firmly again but brushed his hand gently as he swallowed hard once more. “ I know that I can’t help with a case in the field... But damn!... I can help with the research... With planning... All the things I did when I didn’t join you or Dean on a hunt...” You paused for a moment to look at him. He was looking at you with the same expression on his face. And you decided to continue... “ I know you didn’t want me to get worried but this was actually worse... I found out by accident in the middle of the night that you are on a hunt! And I don’t know were you are...what your plan is...When you should be back...If something went wrong...And I was scared of calling you to find out... Do you have any idea how I felt?...I felt helpless...” Your voice started raising with every word.You got scared and you were letting it all out now. Your eyes started getting wet... “I felt that if anything happened to you I had no way of knowing and no means of helping you... I didn’t even know if it was an easy hunt or not... I felt I could actually lose you...” You concluded with a tear leaving your eyes and realising you were breathing heavily. Sam closed his eyes briefly and when he looked back at you again his eyes were wet and his expression firm and pained. You understood that this outburst from you made him feel a thousand times worse...That he messed up entirely and in result you had to go through this. And he got scared for you too now... Because that’s exactly what he didn’t want you to go through and he made things even worse... And what if something happened to you because of him?... You could see the pain of this thought in his eyes because he loved you so much. You could see the man you loved trying to protect you and your baby and being in pain because he felt he failed. Something you went through with Dean countless times. You didn’t think you’d go through this with Sam. But with the baby he was getting overprotective. Because to him you were now vulnerable to everything... And he was trying so hard to protect you and the baby. And this outburst made him feel worse than you thought. But what you wanted was to make sure he wouldn’t leave you in the dark again. He made the wrong call. Everyone does that sometimes. But he did it to protect you and that’s what mattered to you... You moved close to him and wrapped your arms around his neck. He wrapped his around you holding you tight and he burried his head between your neck and shoulder. You burried your head between his neck and shoulder too. Your hand brushing his back gently. You heard him sniff.

“ I’m sorry...” He said and his voice sounded gruff.His voice full of guilt and pain. He took a deep breath and you heard him swallow hard again.

“ I know...” You said calmly and pressed your lips on his neck gently.

“ Does that mean you forgive me?” He asked with an insecure smile and a sniff. You pulled back smiling to look at his eyes that were still wet and red. His epression was serious now...

“ Hell yes...” You said chuckling. You smiled to him and brushed his hair. He smiled back to you. You moved both your hands to the back of his neck and run your fingers through his hair. You leaned to kiss him. He moved his lips against yours in a strong and tender kiss. He pulled back and spoke again.

“ I love you...” He said with a smile on his face. “ So much... And if anything happens to you two...” His eyes still wet and red. You smiled back and brushed his hair a little.

“ I love you too...” You interrupted him and brushed his hair. “ We’ll be fine...” You added and smiled to him and your eyes got wet again for different reasons as your heart was flattering in your chest. He stretched a little and you leaned to meet his lips in a tender kiss you slowly deepened. His hands moved gently from your back to your hips. You moved your lips against each other’s even more passionately and Sam carried you to the bed. And this was one of your most gentle and tender but passionate times that left you both breathless in each other’s arms slowly drifting off...

You didn’t get to sleep much. You woke up again soon. Sam was still holding you tight in his sleep. He had also made sure to cover your shoulders with the covers to keep you warm. You woke up breathing his scent. You opened your eyes his chest moving inches from your face as he was breathing. You tried to get back to sleep. You closed your eyes and you tried to let yourself drift off again. But you couldn’t. Your mind was crowded by too many thoughts. It didn’t take you long to realise you couldn’t sleep. You gently removed Sam’s arms and put them back on the mattress as you moved to a sitting position. You took a deep breath and put your hands on your belly brushing it softly. It was still night. Early morning hours... You looked at Sam sleeping next to you. The hunt was running in your mind again and again. The first hunt in your town since you moved...No doubt there will be more in the future. You didn’t worry about that. You and Sam were great hunters and you’d take care of these cases. Keep your family safe... But there was somethig else bothering you. You couldn’t say it didn’t cross your mind. But subconsiously you pushed it away... now this case brought this back to the surface. And you couldn’t help but thnk...and think...and think... You took another deep breath and looked around in the room. You noticed John’s journal on Sam’s nightstand. You stretched and grabbed it. You made yourself comfortable again on your side of the bed and opened it. You read some things about Dean and Sam he wrote...And your memories travelled back to all the things you knew about their childhood. How it affected Dean...How it affected Sam... You weren’t raised as a hunter. You became one when you were very young so basically this was the only life you knew but you weren’t raised as one... Your mind projected a memory of Dean saying that he didn’t want to raise his kids as hunters... You remembered Sam telling you how he wanted to leave to live a normal life... Not like you did now... Like he wanted to... Go to Stanford...get married...have kids...Now you were half in and half out... You weren’t looking for cases but if you had a case in your town you’d hunt... You closed your eyes lost in your thoughts.

“ Hey...” You heard Sam’s voice gruff as he was waking up. His hand gently brushing yours as you were holding John’s Journal. You looked at him and brushed his fingers without smiling. That alerted him.You closed John’s journal and put it back on his nightstand as he was sitting too. “ What’s wrong?” He asked as you were sitting on the bed again. You put your hands on your belly again. He reached for your hand and brushed it a little and then move his hand under yours to brush your belly. You run your fingers through his closing your eyes and taking a deep breath. You felt him tense. He probably started getting scared that you weren’t feeling well. He brushed your fingers gently moving uneasily closer to you as you opened your eyes again and exhaled deeply. You were trying to find the words to say what you had in mind but you decided to say what was bothering you directly...You opened your mouth and spoke.

“ I don’t want to raise our child as a hunter...” You said without looking at him. His muscles relaxed again as he realised you were alright physically. You turned to look at him. He was a little bit shocked because he didn’t see this coming but you knew he was thinking about it too probably before it even crossed **your** mind and you could see that in his eyes. You continued looking at him. “ I remember what it did to Dean and what it did to you... And I don’t want this for our child... But...” And that was what was bothering you. “ our baby is **our** baby... It’s a Winchester and a (Y/L/N)... There are a lot of things out there that would love to see us dead or kill us in every possible painful way they can think of themselves... Our baby will have a target on his or her back because it’s **our** baby... We’ll protect him or her for as long as we can...But we won’t always be there... How will our child know to defend themselves if we don’t teach them how to be a hunter...?” You concluded. Sam was listening to you carefully. He was looking at you concerned considering what you said with a serious expression on his face. He took a deep breath too and run his hand through his face.

“ I know...” He said finally and his voice was serious but warm... He took another deep breath... “I don’t want to raise our child as a hunter either...” You didn’t like that introduction. You knew there was a “but” coming.You let your head fall in front of you and you exhaled disappointed and troubled. “ But...” He said and you raised your head to look at him. “ Maybe we don’t have to...” He said and looked at you thinking the possibility through... Your eyes lightened. “ Maybe we can let our child be a child and when he or she is old enough we teach them how to hunt... and give him or her a choise...” You frowned... “ Think about it...” He told you again. “ ...All I ever wanted growing up was the choice... To have the choice to live a different life. And my dad was acting like I wasn’t supposed to have that choice... We can’t protect our child from everything...We can only make sure he or she is ready to face everything... And you’re right we can’t just keep them away from hunting completely...Cause they will have a target on their back... But...We can teach them how to defend themselves living a normal life or the hunting life... But we do this when they are old enough and we teach them that they also have a choice...A choice to lead a different life than the life we led...” He concluded looking at you. You were listening to him carefully and you exhaled conserned again.

“ And what if he or she chooses to be a hunter...?” You said in a serious tone looking straight into Sam’s eyes. You were thinking of all the horrible things you and Sam and Dean have been through in this life... And you didn’t want this for your child but if it was his or her choice? What then?

“ Then...” Sam started saying and he took a deep breath. You knew he didn’t like this possibility either. “ We make sure our baby is prepared for this life... And that he or she knows what she is signing up for...” He said and exhaled deeply. You moved closer to him and he held you tight. You knew what he was talking about. Even if you didn’t like your baby’s choice it would still be **their** choice to make... It’s your baby’s life not yours. And he or she has to make his or her own choices. You and Sam would protect your child for as long as you could and prepare him or her for life...Wether that meant a hunting life or a normal one...You’d stand by your baby’s side no matter what he or she chooses cause it will always be your baby and you already loved him or her very much... But you would also make sure that your baby has the chance to be a child. Something Sam and Dean didn’t have... And you will always be there for your baby... no matter what...

The next morning you left for work feeling a little nauseous again but nothing the lemon couldn’t relief. You spend your whole day mostly sitting in your desk as you were feeling very tired. You didn’t sleep well the night before but the pregnancy made you feel exhausted too. You did return home early in the afternoon and got some time to cook. Sam came back late having to deal with the case at work but when he came back he informed you that everything was fine and no one suspected something odd with the case. You had dinner together and you moved upstairs to change. Getting out of your pants was a huge relief. Though not visible yet your belly had already started growing. The weeks that followed you gained some more weight and it was hard for you to fit in your pants anymore. And you knew it was time you went to buy maternity clothes. You bought some more comfortable clothes. And in those weeks your baby grew a lot. Though your belly wasn’t too big yet it was obvious that you were pregnant. When you had your next appointment with the doctor he assured you and Sam that everything was fine and also told you that you would feel your baby for the first time soon . That made both you and Sam smile widely. Also he told you about cramping. He assured you that it was perfectly normal to have cramps soon but as long as they are not more than two in an hour you shouldn’t worry. If they were more than too he insisted that you should call him to make sure if it’s premature labor and head to a hospital immediately so that they could take care of you there in case it really was premature labor. You and Sam nodded and kept that in mind. And soon it was time for your next ultrasound at 18 weeks. You were very excited for this one cause the doctor told you that you might be able to determine the baby’s sex. You looked in the screen at your baby. You were waiting with your heart beating very fast for the woman to tell you if she could see your baby’s sex and what it was. You both didn’t really care what it would be. You loved your baby no matter what. When the woman turned and told you it was a boy you both couldn’t hold back a smile. You looked at Sam who was smiling widely back at you and you noticed his eyes being slightly wet just like yours. You’d have a little baby boy! Your heart flattered in your chest as Sam kissed the top of your head brushing your fingers at the same time. The woman also assured you that your baby was fine and allowed you to hear his heartbeat again. And that made you feel calmer cause you started worrying because you haven’t felt your baby move yet. But the woman told you that you’d feel it soon... When you went back home you had dinner and as you were very tired you went straight to bed. Sam lied on the bed next to you. You were already drifting off. He moved close to you under the covers as you were lying on your side. He wrapped his arm around you protectively resting his hand on your swollen belly as his chest was touching your back. You sighed in content. You moved your hand on his and you brushed his fingers gently as he was brushing yours. You eventually stopped as you were falling into deep sleep but you could feel Sam’s fingers still brushing yours. He kissed your head tenderly and brushed your belly protectively. You were half asleep and you had already started dreaming. You were feeling the comfort of your bed swallowing you up feeling safe in Sam’s arms. You could still feel Sam holding you. And a gentle push under his hand...And then his voice like it was coming from far away.

“ (Y/N)...” He said in a gruff voice. His voice brought you back from wherever you were. You could feel his muscles tense. His hand steady on your belly. You opened your eyes just as you felt that gentle push again. Your eyes turned wide open. You knew what that was... You turned your head as fast as you could and looked at Sam. . Your heart flattering in your chest. His eyes as wide as yours. “Did you feel that?” He asked unsure... His expression serious. He swallowed hard and looked at you for the confirmation. Your eyes flooded. And you felt it again. That gentle push...stronger than before.

“ Yes...” You said to Sam breathlessly. Your heart skipped a beat. Sam looked briefly at your belly and then back at you. His eyes got wet too and his hand was slightly trembling. He chuckled breathlessly at you as his lips were forming a huge smile. You chuckled back breathless too. You smiled back at him widely. Your baby just moved! That little thing you loved so much just moved! Your heart was beating like a drum. You moved as carefully as you could into a more comfortable position. Sam still holding you tight he put his hand trembling on your belly again feeling it. Searching for another movement. You put your hand on your belly again and brushed it gently. Hoping you’d feel it again...And there it was! Under Sam’s fingers...lighter than before... Your heart skipped a beat again. “ Hey there little guy...” Sam said in a warm and almost rembling voice. He brushed your belly gently where you both felt your baby move. You chuckled at each other and stayed there waiting to feel your baby again. He turned and looked at you again and leaned to press his lips against yours gently. You moved yours against his in a tender kiss. You pulled back smiling to each other... This was like your little baby was saying hello... You were both so breathless and full of love for each other and your little boy...You both stayed like that not moving much waiting to feel your baby move again. You did feel it two more times but then it stopped moving. You continued waiting for more than an hour since the last time you felt him. But you were both exhausted so you went to sleep with both your hands on your belly so that you wouldn’t miss it if your baby moved. You didn’t feel it again during the night. But you felt him again after breakfast in the morning. And since then you’ve been feeling your baby a lot in the days that followed. Your baby also started creating bumbs on your belly when it was moving making your belly seem irregular but you didn’t mind at all. Around that time you also started feeling cramping too. At first the cramps were gentle and didn’t bother you a lot. But as time went by they became more intense but nothing out of the ordinary. Although you got scared when you felt a really intense one after coming back from work. You moved around a little and you felt better. Sam was checking on you to make sure you were feeling alright every now and then. You had dinner together and you felt one more cramp as you were eating. You weren’t feeling very comfortable as your baby was moving a lot too. After you and Sam had dinner you helped him clean up and you both went to sleep. When you lied on the bed you felt your baby move again followed by another intense cramp. You started feeling scared now. It was three in something a little less than an hour. You moved in the bed to make yourself feel more comfortable. Your baby was moving a lot making you feel even more uneasy. You started drifting off when you felt another cramp about ten minutes after the previous one. You lifted yourself up and sat on the bed in a sudden move. You swallowed hard.

“ Are you alright?” Sam asked from his side of the bed alarmed. Your baby was moving again. And then another cramp...

“ No...” You said in a slightly trembling voice as you felt your face turn white with fear. Sam threw the covers off and got up immediately at the sound of your answer. You started getting up as your baby gave you a rather strong kick. Sam was next to you in no time.

“ What’s wrong?” He asked in a gruff voice.

“ I’m having cramps...more cramps than I should!...And the baby is moving a lot...” You said in a calm but trembling voice as fear was taking over you. You felt your forehead sweating with terror. You looked at Sam’s face and you saw him swallow hard scared himself. Your eyes got wet as you felt another light cramp and you were getting even more scared. Sam snapped out of it immediately and put his arms around you.

“ Alright...Alright...” He said brushing your arms. “ We’ll go to the hospital...” He said determined and confident or at least that’s what he wanted you to see. “ And I’ll call Cas...” He said and you nodded holding your belly to soothe you and your baby... “Everything will be alright... You’ll be fine...” Sam said and kissed the top of your head tenderly. He was trying to reasure you and himself...With trembling hands you put some clothes on. Sam helped you and got dressed himself too as fast as he could and you both went straight to the car. You grabbed your phone and called the doctor as Sam started driving...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be posted on January 15 or 16... Also... Happy New Year!!!


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fears, concerns and preparations...

Your breaths were faster now. Though you weren’t feeling any contractions anymore you were very stressed and even the slightest discomfort had you alarmed again. Cas told Sam he’d meet you at the hospital as fast as he could. The doctor told you to go to go to the hospital and call him if something was really wrong. He also tried to calm you down as your voice was shaking and the panic you were feeling was evident. It didn’t work.You were taking deep breaths every now and then all the way to the hospital to calm yourself down but every now and then you were feeling that emptiness inside of everything collapsing.The feeling of everything inside you and around you falling apart. Your eyes started to hurt. You would take a deep breath... And another deep breath as you were starting to feel that you couldn’t take enough air in. And that was your clue that you were having a panic attack. You would take another deep breath this time to clear your head before the difficulty in breathing felt like suffocating. But then you would feel your baby move and your heart would skip a beat as the fear of something happening to him kicked in again. And the process would start all over again as you couldn’t tell yourself that everything was alright... You didn’t know if everything was alright... And that thought made you feel like you couldn’t take enough air again...Sam was looking at you every now and then monitoring that process. He seemed relatively calm but he was holding the steering wheal so hard that his knuckles were turning white. His lips were tightened. To someone who didn’t know him he might seem a little angry but you knew this was his expression when he was trying to keep himself together and act fast but not in panic. He was driving as fast as he could. Every now and then he swalloed hard but he was trying to hide it. He didn’t speak. Only ckecked on you. He knew better than to speak. You were greatful he didn’t speak. If he tried to tell you that everything would be alright you’d hear the doubt in his voice. And that would make you panic even more. Your mind was still running back a few minutes ago when he did tell you that everything would be alright. And though you should be reassured by his words you felt worse because you could hear in his voice that he was as scared as you were. And he knew you heard that. And he knew he couldn’t hide that fear if he spoke...He knew he’d make things worse...

You arrived at the hospital and went inside as fast as he could. Sam immediately said what was your emergency. His voice sounded loud and gruff... Still trying to keep it together... A midwife rushed you to a room and asked you what happened so far as she was examining you... You started explaining what it was that felt wrong. Your voice was trembling no matter what you did to keep it steady. Sam was asked to wait for you outside the room and you didn’t like it. She measured your contractions. Or rather tried to measure them cause they weren’t there anymore. But she noticed your hands trembling as you were brushing your belly gently. And so she moved close to you and brushed your belly a little.

“ Most likely a false alarm...Maybe your baby was moving too much causing you this discomfort...” She said to you with a smile and you released in relief the breath you didn’t realise you were holding. But still most likely wasn’t definitely and that wasn’t good enough for you. She allowed Sam to come in and told him that it was probably nothing but she also said she’d run a few tests to be sure of that. She collected blood, urine did an ultrasound. Pretty much everything and then she left you and Sam alone as you were both waiting for the results. You didn’t call your doctor yet you wanted to be absolutely certain that everything was fine. Sam sat next to you on the bed and said some soothing words to you. Now that he was calm his voice and his words were welcome but you didn’t respond that much. You were exhausted and you were feeling spent. You tried to stay awake but soon you fell asleep.It wasn’t a calm deep sleep. You were half asleep. When you were feeling you were getting lost in a dream your heart rate was raising bringing you back to reality but not in complete consciousness. The next thing you heard was the door opening like it was coming from far away...

“ I came as fast as I could!” Cas said in a loud and gruff voice. He was alarmed too. You could hear more clearly now...You started waking up...

“Shh...” You heard Sam shushing Cas and getting up from the bed leaving your side for the first time since he walked in the room. “She is not sleeping for more than ten minutes...” To you it felt longer... “They said it was probably nothing...” Sam wispered. You felt Cas’ eyes on you. Scanning you.

“ Everything seems fine...” He said relieved too in his reassuring voice. That’s what you wanted to hear.Suddenly your mind started working fast again. Like a switch was turned on... You opened your eyes taking a deep tired breath. Now you werre feeling a lot better.

“ Hey...” Sam said and moved close to you again quickly once he saw you opening your eyes. “ How are you feeling...?” He asked.His voice still sounded gruff but warm.

“ Fine...” You said and turned to look at the smiling Cas standing next to Sam. “ Hey...” You said smiling back at him. “ Thank you for coming...” You said and your eyes got a little wet. You were feeling so greatful. And Cas could hear that in your voice...

“ Of course...” Cas said looking at you like there was nothing else he would possibly do. Suddenly the door opened and a young doctor walked in and explained that everything was fine with your tests. And then he turned to you and added.

“ I don’t see why you were so frightened... Is it possible you overeacted?” He asked. It was a rhetorical question. It wasn’t what he asked. It was how. It sounded insulting. Aimed to make you feel bad. You looked at him stunned for a few moments. Frightened... How awful did you look for the midwife to tell him you were frughtened. You felt blood rushing to your cheeks. You blushed. You were feeling ashamed. You overreacted so much? You caused all this mess because you weren’t able to understand if you should be alarmed by these contractions or not? Should you be able to determine that? Were you really that naive to cause all this trouble to Sam to Cas...to your doctor...and the hospital? Sam went through hell and Cas drove as fast as he could in the middle of the night because **you** thought this was an emergency? You felt guilty and dumb. You felt your cheeks heating up and soon your whole face felt radiating heat. You lowered your head slightly to avoid the man’s eyes. Sam looked at him with fire in his eyes. His lips were tightened again. This time he was mad. “ Buddy...” He started saying and his voice was gruff and almost trembling with anger. He almost made a move towards him but Cas interupted him with a look that made him stand down and avoid making a scene and upset you even more. The man ignored Sam (which infuriate im even more but he didn’t react) and told you you were free to go home and he left closing the door behind him.

“ Let’s go home...” Sam said to you with a smile. He was still angry...

“ Yes...” You said automatically. Your cheeks were feeling warm but certainly less than before. But you were still feeling dumb. Like this was something you were supposed to know and you didn’t. Like you should know that everything was fine and not cause all this... You went back to the car and Cas drove behind you. Sam was still angry when you entered the car but driving relaxed him. When you got back you asked Cas to stay with you tonight and drive back in the morning. Cas agreed and all three of you entered the house. Sam walked to the kitchen to drink some water and you heard his voice from the kitchen asking if you were hungry.

“ No, thanks...” You replied with a fading smile that didn’t go unnoticed by him as he was exiting the kitchen. You brushed your face. “ I’m gonna get some sleep...” You announced to both Sam and Cas as Sam was sitting next to you. His face followed you as you were getting up. You turned to him leaning a little to press your lips on his. “ Goodnight...” You said to him when you pulled back although you doubted how it would be a good night after the adventure you caused tonight.

“ Goodnight...” Sam replied and you turned to Cas to wish him goodnight too. Then you head to your room. You sat on the bed and just stayed there for a while. Your thumbs brushing your belly absentmindely. You were feeling a weight inside you couldn’t shake off. It was a difficult night for all of you. And your baby... Eventually you stood up feeling your limbs heavy and you changed your clothes. You sat back on the bed feeling more comfortable. You took a deep breath but you didn’t feel like sleeping. You were looking at the floor. Your legs on the bed crossed. Your hands on your belly brushing it absentmindely again. You heard light footsteps from the door moving close to you. Sam walked in the room and saw you sitting at the edge of the bed like that. You didn’t lift your head to look at him. He sat next to you and you felt his hand gently on your back and his other hand gently on your hand both moving to slowly close you in a tight hug. You wanted to respond to the hug and then go to sleep but as Sam was hugging you he touched the weight inside you too.Something in that gentle and tender motion to hold you made you melt inside. Your lower lip started trembling and you felt an intense pain behind your eyes that was relieved only when tears filled them and blurred your vision. He wrapped his arms around you and you lied your head on his chest and sobbed as two thick teardrops left your eyes.

“It’s ok...” He said to soothe you. He expected this. He was calm and...prepared. You stayed there for a few moments and then turned so that you could wrap your arms around his neck and rest your chin on his shoulder. This wasn’t comfortable anymore as your belly was getting bigger but it was what you needed right now. You continued sobbing as Sam was brushing your back. You were letting it all out. The fear you felt. The embarrasment... And they all came out in the form of violent crying. Your sobs were getting louder and more violent. Your body was moving with every gasp. Sam pulled you a little closer and that movement made you melt inside once more and made you sob again. You run your fingers on his back and grabbed his shirt with your trembling hands holdin it tight. Your whole body trembling. Sam’s hands still brushing your back to soothe you... You kept crying like that for a couple of minutes before starting to calm down. You could feel your head and your eyes wet. Dry tears on your cheeks. Your eyes wet.Your lips slightly swollen. You were sure that if you looked in the mirror now your nose would be red as your eyes and swollen too. You lifted your head a little. You released Sam’s shirt. It was wrinkled because of your grip on it. You run your fingers on his back gently for a while just as he was doing on yours. You pulled back just a few inches.

“ Better...?” Sam asked you. You nodded yes without looking at him and brought your fingers to his shoulder and brushed the stains of your tears on his shirt. You didn’t look him in the eyes but you were feeling so much love and affectione right now. Because holding you in times like this made you feel how much he loved you and how much you loved him since he was the only one you actually wanted around right now. And the only one you’d open up to like that. You lifted your head and offered him a fading smile before climbing on the bed to rest your back on the back of the bed. You waved to him to join you. Once he was next to you you burried your head in his chest and got lost in his arms. He didn’t take his shoes off. Something that always bothered you but this time you didn’t say anything.

“ Tough night, huh?” He chuckled not sure if this attitude would work. If joking a bit would make you feel better right now. He was ready to change this approach at any sign of you rejecting it. But that was what you wanted right now. After crying your eyes out you just needed to talk and you didn’t want it to be a heavy talk. You wanted it to be lighter...funnier. So when you heard Sam chuckling you chuckled back.

“ You think?” You asked with a smile against Sam’s chest. Your voice was still trembling a little from crying.You sniffed as your nose was still full and pulled back so you could look at him. He chuckled back more confident about his approach.

“ Well...You’re fine, the baby is fine...All’s well that ends well...” He said to you with a smile. Unsure again if that would make you feel better. His eyes were locked on you waiting for your response. You agreed with that. Everything was fine at the end but...

“ It would be better if I wasn’t dumb enough and I understood everything was fine in the firstplace...” You said taking your eyes away from Sam lowering your head in front of you. Your watched your hands as you played absentmindely with your shirt. You were angry with yourself. You felt Sam tense next to you and when you looked briefly at him he wasn’t looking at you. He was pissed as hell. If he had that doctor in front of him right now he would punch him. You sniffed looking at your hands brushing your belly. Sam took a deep breath and spoke.

“ (Y/N) , you couldn’t know that everything was fine...” He started saying and he sounded calm. His voice was warm. “What if it wasn’t?... It’s not like you’ve been pregnant before to recognise certain things are normal or otherwise if you haven’t felt them before?...right?” He said and with his last word a small smile lighted your face. He sounded so unsure about how it feels to be pregnant. But that little insecure question sounded to you so adorable that made you smile. You turned to look at him still smiling.

“ Yeah...I guess...” You answered.You knew he was probably right but you still didn’t feel good. You didn’t like the fact that you upset so many people for no reason. Not that you’d wish in any way to have a reason. Your baby was fine... And that’s what mattered. Sam moved his hand and brushed your belly with a silly smile on his face. You chuckled at the sight. And then your mind travelled back to the almost panic attacks you had in the car. You got so scared!...Your smile faded. You took a deep breath. You were feeling better in general. Like some of the weight you were feeling had lifted. But not all... It was a tough night. And you were feeling emotionaly drained.

“Hey...What if we went back with Cas tomorrow...You know a road trip...” Sam said and before he could finishyour face brightnened and a huge smile formed on your lips. Before he could finish his sentense you added excited.

“ Maybe we can stay there for a couple of days...”

“ Yeah...” Sam said considering the possibility. You could chose to go anywhere else but truth is you’ve missed your old home. And going back for a couple of days sounded like a perfect idea to you.Plus you’d get to spend some time with Cas whom you haven’t seen in a long time too. You rested your head on Sam’s chest again and he wrapped his arms around you. You twisted a little so that you could feel comfortable with your belly. You were feeling much better now. The opportunity of some days away made you excited. You felt a lot more positive now. **Your baby** was fine. **You** were fine... All’s well that ends well...

The next morning you packed a few things and told Cas you were going with him. He was very happy about this. He probably missed having some company. And of course he missed **your** company since you were his best friends. You were really excited and you couldn’t wait to get on the road. The car made you feel a little nauseous and Sam insisted on stopping a few times so you could get some fresh air. You didn’t worry about work since Sam called both the sheriff and mrs Feegs when you were packing to ask for two days off for both of you. Two days which were Friday and Monday. So you had the whole weekend to spend with Cas. When you arrived you were so excited. Your baby was feeling that too and he started moving a little more. Sam unloaded the car and he carried the bags to your old room aka his room. You promised to help him unpack but you didn’t follow him to the room right away. You went down the stairs carefully and looked around. Everything seemed exactly like you left it. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath to breath in the room’s scent. It wasn’t a pleasant or an unpleasant smell...It was just familiar...Connected with so many memories. And of course your first stop was to the library. Hunting books mostly but damn! you’ve missed them! You’ve missed everything! The chairs. The tables. The floor. The lights. Everything! You looked around a bit brushing your belly. Your baby was kicking excited too. You chuckled excited to be there and rushed to the kitchen. It hasn’t been used in a long time apparently. Cas didn’t need to cook. But you couldn’t resist to cooking here. It’s been so long. And it was one of your favorite things. You had bought a few things on the way there because you knew there would be nothing eatable. So you just grabbed what ingredients you needed and started cooking. And everything seemed so familiar. Cas joined you in the kitchen and the two of you joked around as you were cooking. Sam joined you a while later fake- complaining that you let him unpack alone but you gave him a few brief kisses on the mouth and pulled back smiling and then you wispered in his ear that you’d make up for it tonight. Which left Sam with a smile on his face for a few minutes. After the food was ready you ate and Cas joined you and then you went to your room. You lied on the bed and it was a little uncofortable now that you were pregnant. The mattress seemed a little hard for you now. And it was a little smaller too but you didn’t mind you were so happy you were back. It was like you’ve never left. But so many things had changed since the last time you were there...you started getting lost in your memories just as Sam walked in. And of course you kept your promise and made it up to him for unpacking alone...And then you fell asleep lying on your side with the covers keeping your naked body warm feeling Sam’s breath on your neck and his arms around you brushing your hand (which was lying on your belly) till you sleep. You drifted off with a smile on your face...

You woke up early in the morning. You started feeling a little cold in your sleep. You opened your eyes and brushed them to wake up. Sam’s arm was still wrapped around you protectively over the blanket. He must have covered you completely while you were sleeping to make sure you wouldn’t get cold.You got your hand out of the blanket and brushed his hand. You twisted it a little to look at his watch.You put his hand down gently again careful not to wake him up. You twisted with slow moves and turned around as much as you could with your swollen belly. You looked at him. He was in deep sleep. His mouth slightly open and a few hair on his face. You lifted your hand and gently removed them. He didn’t move. He continued breathing deeply and slowly. You smiled and brushed his cheek with the back of your fingers. You turned around and with slow and sleepy moves you threw the covers off and got off the bed. You got dressed and walked to the kitchen thinking you’d find Cas there. He should be awake after all. But you only found a note Cas left explaining he went grocery shopping. He must have left a few minutes ago cause the stores wouldn’t be open before that time...You left the note there thinking you’d wait for Cas to bring back the stuff you needed to make breakfast. But since you were waiting you thought it would be nice to walk around the place a little. It’s been a long time since you’ve done that. So long... And now that the baby would come you’d have even more time till you’d be able to do it again. Not only because of being busy but laso because this place was the heart of your life as a hunter... You walked to the library and took some time to look at some of your favorite books (<<Love spells and counter spells>>,<<vampire tacticts>>, << Demons and sigils>>...). Then you moved to your old room. It seemed empty mostly but there were still some old stuff in there from the time you first got here. You continued walking down the corridors until you got to Dean’s room. Your muscles tensed and you felt a tight feeling in your heart. You moved and touched the door breathing deeply and slowly you run your fingers to the doorknob and opened the it. You switched on the lights and gave the door a small push to close a little but not completely. You looked around. Everything was still the same. Like Dean never left. Only it wasn’t... Cause Dean wasn’t there anymore... You moved close to the bed and sat on it putting your hands under your belly to suport it during the movement. You looked around once again and a small smile formed on your face. You remembered all the good times you had with Dean there...You remembered the fights you had that seemed so ridiculous now... You could remember Dean laughing... You could almost hear it... And it was causing your heart to beat in painful but so sweet pain. You smiled and run your hand on the bed gently... You remembered running in here crying because you had sex with Sam...And now... You sighed with a smile...Now...you were having a baby together...Your eyes got wet... A baby that one day both you and Sam would tell him what an amazing man unckle Dean was... You brushed your belly gently just as you felt your baby move making your heart melt. You looked around once more. Slowly you got up again and walked towards the door. You switched off the lights and looked at the room once more closing the door behind as gently as you possibly could. You took another deep breath and closed your eyes briefly. You smiled once more and walked to the library. You spend some time reading but Cas was back soon so you both moved to the kitchen to make breakfast. Sam woke up a little later and walked to the kitchen yawning ( perfect hair of course...) and you moved close to him with a cup of coffee in your hands which you offered him with a kiss. He smiled and pulled back to kiss your forehead. He thanked you and wished you good morning before brushing your belly wishing good morning to your baby. The sight made your heart flatter and put a huge smile on your face. He helped you with breakfast and then you sat on the table with Cas to enjoy it. You spend the rest of the day with Cas having fun. You went out for lunch and pretend to buy something for Cas too which you were more than pleased to eat yourself. In the afternoon you decided to watch a movie but you were feeling very tired so in the middle of it you decided to go to bed. So you said goodnight and left. You woke up again about an hour later. A book fell from your nightstand landing on the floor with a loud noise making you jump out of the bed with your heart racing. You looked around and you figured out what happened instantly. You lifted the book from the floor which wasn’t such an easy task anymore as your belly was getting bigger. You put the book back in your nightstand and got up to see what Cas and Sam were doing. You were startled and your heart was still beating faster than normal. You didn’t feel like going back to sleep immediately. You found Cas in the library reading a book. Apparently the movie was over. But where was Sam? He was nowhere around. You asked Cas where he was and he answered you confused that Sam said he’d go to bed. You looked back at Cas confused too for a moment. He wasn’t in bed when you woke up...You thanked Cas and told him you’d go find him. Maybe he was in the kitchen to get some water. But you went to check in the kitchen and he wasn’t there. You started looking around at every room but you already suspected were you’d find him. And you were right. You approached the open door slowly and quietly. You stood outside the room. Sam didn’t see you or hear you. So you just leaned at the door with your hands on your belly feeling your baby that was changing position every now and then giving your belly a slightly different shape. He was sitting on the bed looking at the room. Just like you did the same morning. He was looking at the opposite direction from you and then he turned his head looking down briefly before realising your presence.

“ Hey...” He said turning his head to look at you startled. His voice sounded a little deeper than usual but still warm and steady. But you noticed his eyes being wet. He was ready to get up as he continued. “ I was just...” He started saying taking another look on the room. But you interrupted him.

“ I know...” You said with a low and warm voice. You lifted yourself from the door and moved to sit next to him. He turned his head in front of him and lowered it. You noticed he swallowed hard. He was in pain. And you knew he’d always be. He could never stop missing his brother. The brother he spent his whole life with. The brother that was always there to protect him no matter what. The brother he loved so much... You leaned and pressed your lips on his shoulder and moving your arms to hug his. And immediately moved them again to wrap them around his body. He responded immediately wrapping his arms around you. You both didn’t have to say anything else. He needed this hug. You felt your heart tighten again.You hated to see the man you loved in pain. But this was a pain he couldn’t avoid. And neither could you. You both loved Dean so much. And though its been a long time since he died. There were still those moments that you both couldn’t help but miss him. You felt Sam swallowing hard every now and then. His breaths shorter than usual. You felt your heart tighten again. You pulled him a little closer. As close as your belly allowed. You brushed his back with slow and comforting moves. You closed your eyes and every now and then you pressed your lips on his neck in a gentle and tender kiss. You moved one hand and brushed the back of his hair to comfort him. But you had to pull back soon since your baby started feeling a little squized and it started giving you some pretty strong kicks. Sam pulled back and chuckled having felt one of them. Then he sniffed and kissed the top of your head. You both got up and headed to the door. You took a moment. Sam had his arm around you and you had rested your head on his chest. You were both looked at the room one last time and closed the door. You walked back to your room. You both sat on the bed and before lying Sam put his hand on your belly.

“ Goodnight buddy...” He said with a smile as you were both feeling your baby move a lot.

“ I don’t think he feels like sleeping...” You chuckled. Sam chuckled back brushing your belly nodding in agreement. You took a moment just to look at him. He was smiling at your belly. And at that moment he was so beautiful. And you were feeling so full of love. Your heart was beating hard. “ Sam...” You said and he looked at you still smiling. “ I love you so much...” You said with a small affectionate smile. His smile became wider and at the same time he looked more serious.

“ I love you too...” He said and his voice sounded deeper and he moved fast to press his lips on yours in a strong but full of tenderness kiss. You pulled back smiling back at him. “ I love you both so much...” He said and pressed his lips on yours once more. You pulled back and you both lied on the bed. You lied on your side and Sam wrapped his arms around you protectivelly and you both started falling asleep...

You stayed with Cas the next day too and then you packed your stuff again and left on Monday morning. You felt that tight feeling in your heart when you left. You’d miss this place and you’d miss Cas. But you were also happy to be heading home and back at work. These few days away lifted your spirits and Sam’s and you both had new energy when you woke up to go to work on Tuesday morning. The weeks that followed your belly grew a little bigger and in result you were feeling your back ache sometimes due to the weight. And because of that you were even more careful with carrying books and to Sam’s surpise relunctant. He was more than helpful doing his best to take care of you and your baby. He gave you back rubs toorelieving the pain a lot. Aside from that you had contractions again sometimes but this time you were more prepared. But it was nothing alarming so those weeks were relatively calm. Your baby was moving a lot too. Making you feel sore in the ribs sometimes. Both you and Sam were very busy though. You didn’t have that much work to do but you had to make a room for your child. And the only available room was actually the guest room. When Sam found the house and you both agreed on it you never though you’d have a child so you didn’t look for something bigger. So now you’d redecorate and equip the guest room. You had another room in the house which was slightly smaller and you used it currently as a storeroom so you decided to make **this** room a guest room. But all this required a lot of work. So in the coming weeks you found yourselves checking calors to paint the wall, carpets, furniture...a crib...Finally you chose all the things you needed. You decided to paint the walls a light blue that seemed to you very soothing and before anything else could be done you had to be done with painting the room. You decided to paint the new guest room as well. When the painters began working the smell of the paint was too much for you. Sam decided to stay in the house and help but you found this a great opportunity to go and see Jody. She was so excited to see you. And you had so many things to talk about. She also had a few advice to offer for your leg cramps that started two weeks before and seemed to get even more frequent. Though Jody missed Sam too you didn’t expect him to visit before coming to get you so that you wouldn’t have to drive ( it was making you feel a little dizzy...). But the second night you were at Jody’s he decided to surprise you both. First he saw Jody and greeted her and then he spotted you having fallen asleep on the couch. He moved close to you and brushed your cheek and then run his hand on your shoulder. He kissed your forehead and you started waking up as he turned to brush and greet your belly. You were startled and almost jumped on him excited he was there. You gave him a big kiss and then Jody joined you. Sam stayed the night and left early in the morning to help back at home. When both rooms were painted you took a few more days so the paint could dry and the smell would go away. Then after returning home you both started taking care of the rest. The furniture, the carpet and the crib. Sam did most of the handy work but you helped him with the directions. And those hours you spend together making the room were great. Tiring but funny. And totally worth it... And when you were done you were both very proud with the outcome...

As you were getting in your third trimester some symptoms got worse and you also had a few new ones. For one you gained even more weight. And you were gaining more every week.Though it wasn’t more than you should you were feeling very heavy and your back pains increased. Moving around was also very tiring. Your leg cramps also increased. Taking a small walk, changing position and stuff like that helped with the cramps but your legs still hurt. Your ankles and feet were swollen. During this time your visits to the doctor became more often as expected. And he told you how to count your baby’s movements to make sure it was fine. And keep an eye for any unusual behaviour. He also told you to sleep on your side from nowon and he told you that using a pillow under your belly would probably make the position more comfortable. To you nothing seemed comfortable. Sam was trying to cheer you up and to your surprise it was the only thing that worked with your mood swings ( most of the times)... Since you were done with preparing the room for your baby you were back at your routine and that meant foing out together. And generally spending more time together which always made you feel better. Sex was still an option although you prefered more relaxing positions now. And Sam was all about what made you feel comfortable and ebjoy it as much as he did ( if not more...)...

Work was also there. And though you were getting tired you didn’t want to stop although mrs Feegs gave you that option. It made you feel energetic and useful. And you needed that. Matt was also coming by the library to help as much as he could. Mrs Feegs also hired the truck driver that she so much despised. At least until he helped he started working there and she admitted that “ he wasn’t that bad...”. He also changed his mind about mrs Feegs once she started treating him nicely and he treated her with great respect in return. He was very kind to you too and he was always there to help you with everything. And attitude mrs Feegs appreciated a lot and helped in changing her mind about him. Along with work came another obligation. At 31 weeks you started taking childbirth education classes. Sam wanted to attend those classes too but it wasn’t easy. The classes were scheduled in the morning and Sam had to work. You did mange to go to every single lesson cause Mrs Feegs told you to take the days you had to go to the class off. But Sam couldn’t take every day you had a class a day off. So he couldn’t be there. He wanted to be as more involved as possible with anything that had to do with the baby and the fact that he couldn’t be in those classes made him a little grumpy. You were a little grumpy yourself too since you were feeling exhausted but didn’t seem to get enough sleep at night. Sam cheered up though since he managed to be at some of the classes after all. Unlike him you got even grumpier since your breasts started feeling sore too. Sometimes they even leaked. But what made you feel worse was that labor was coming soon. On one hand you were feeling very excited at the prospect of finally holding your baby in your arms. Meeting him for the first time. But on the other hand you were scared. Your doctor and the classes taught you a lot about how things would go and what exactly happens during labor but you couldn’t help but feel scared. The sheriff’s wife had some pretty terrifying storries to say too. You and Sam bumbed into her while leaving the class one morning. Sam took half the day off so he could be there. And he was very happy he made it. You were walking to the car and you were looking forward to lying in your bed to get some sleep. But the sheriff’s wife saw you from across the street and crossed the street to say hello. And when she heard you were taking those classes she decided to tell you about how they didn’t help her daughter in law and how both her daughter in law and herself suffered terrible pain. So far no one told you it would be that terrible. And the gruesome discription the sheriff’s wife gave you made you take a couple of tiny steps back and swallow hard. Sam noticed that and tried to say goodbye so you could both leave but she kept going on until she saw the terrified look on your face. Then she immediately started making things sound better and finally let you leave saying “ Don’t worry...You’ll be fine ,darling...”. A frase that would be very welcome before all those terriffying descriptions. You and Sam entered the car and Sam drove home. He was checking on you every now and then. You tried to act natural but your eyes were getting wide open every time you thought about it. When you got home you rushed to the bathroom ( since the pregnancy made your urination more and more frequent) and then joined Sam in the kitchen to help him prepare lunch. That kept your mind busy for a while and made you relax as you were having fun preparing the food. But after lunch and after getting some rest the subject returned to upset you again. After taking a showe at night (which was very relaxing and relieved your back pain) you sat on the bed and tried to relax. You thought the shower would relax you mentally too but it didn’t work and now you had that terrified look on your face again as you were brushing your belly gently. Sam sat on the bed having changed his clothes and moved close to brush your belly too with a smile. You offered him a fading smile back. His fingers gently searching for a movement. You looked at your bely once more. You took a deep breath and with your head down you spoke.

“ Sam...” You started saying.

“ Yeah...” He answered raising his head to look at you. You swallowed hard and opened your mouth. After a few seconds you continued.

“ I’m scared...” You said. Your voice sounded mostly steady. But your tone was serious. He moved slightly realising this was a serious matter to you and he needed to be careful what to say. He didn’t ask you what you meant or what was it that was scaring you. He understood what you meant immediately. He moved his hand and he brushed yours gently moving his fingers between yours.

“ I know...” He said and his voice sounded deep but warm. “ But I don’t think you should be...” He said and rushed to continue so that you wouldn’t misunderstand him and think he was underestimating what you would go through. “ I’m not saying it won’t be painful...It will...” He said and swallowed hard when he saw your eyes going wide again with terror. But he rushed to continue again. “ But I know you...” He continued and his voice became emotional. “You are one of the strongest women I’ve ever known...” He paused and looked deep into your eyes. “ I **know** you can make it...” He said with in a steady but emotional voice. His eyes locked on yours being very serious about this. He paused. He kissed your forehead in a tender kiss that lasted longer than you expected. You closed your eyes with content. He pulled back and spoke again in a deep voice and slightly wet eyes. He lifted his shoulders a bit and he spoke again.

“ And I’ll be there for you...every step of the way...” His voice was warm and he had a gentle smile on his face. He was unsure if that would be enough to make you feel any better. And at the same time you saw he was scared himself. He slowly let his shoulders fall looking at you in the eyes trying to figure out if you were feeling any better. If he managed to comfort you. But that was exactly what you needed to hear. You didn’t think that would be the case. You thought that you needed someone to tell you that the pain won’t be that bad. That everything won’t go that hard. But no one could tell you that. Cause it would probably be that bad. And that painful. But Sam would be there. And he believed in you! And that made you feel stronger and more confident about the whole thing... He was still smiling at you waiting for your response. You were feeling much calmer now. Your heart flattered in your chest and your eyes got wet. You knew Sam would be there for you just like he always was but his voice was so full of love when he said it that it made you melt. You smiled back at him and his smile got bigger. He moved closer to you and pressed his lips on yours before wrapping his arms around you as much as he could since your belly was way bigger now. He pulled back and kissed the top of your head. “ I love you so much...” He said in a warm voice.

“ I love you too...” You answered and closed your eyes as you rested your head on his chest and his hand was brushing your back gently...

That conversation with Sam did made you feel better. Though you were still anxious about labor you were feeling confident now. But you couldn’t help getting anxious now that you had to start preparing. As your due day was coming closer your visits to the doctor were scheduled once a week. Everything was actually getting worse. More pain, Your legs were more swollen and so were your breasts too. Even more frequent urination as your baby was pressing your bladder. It was difficult for you to breath too as you were heavily pregnant now. The slightest task would make you need to catch your breath. Going up the stairs made you breathing heavily.Your back pain was getting even worse and you were feeling more and more tired. It was suffering really. No matter what you did you were feeling pain. Even your belly button felt sensitive at this stage. Working wasn’t easy now either. Mrs Feegs insisted on you staying home but you didn’t want to. You weren’t feeling comfortable at home or at work. But at least at work you had something to do to keep your mind busy and not thinking how much tired and in how much pain you were in. When you were returning home all you wanted was to throw your shoes away ( after visiting the bathroom since you couldn’t wait to take your shoes off first...) and lie on the bed to get some sleep. But no position in the whole world was comfortable now. And that was even more frustrating. Sam was being very patient with all this but you weren’t making it easy for him. You were very grumpy lately nothing seemed to be able to cheer you up. And Sam couldn’t blame you since even your nausea had returned. Both you and Sam were getting ready for the big day now. You had a bag ready to take to the hospital. Also dipers and any other thing your baby would need. You felt fully prepared...Now on your 36th week you were still feeling like that. Your doctor said patiense and you were doing the best you could. Now you had contractions every other day and your doctor told you to be prepared because any time now you could be in labor. Having completed 37 weeks you had a lot of contraction preparing you for labor. You had to call your doctor twice when you felt some strong contractions but calculating your symptoms he instructed you to stay home and if they got more frequent rush to the hospital. The last time you called him was on Monday. Then on Tuesday you didn’t feel any contractions. And then on Wednesday morning you felt a few contractions but then they were gone. You felt extra tired that day but you insisted on going to work to have something to do and feel energetic ( to the amount your pregnancy allowed you to...). Sam didn’t like that idea but since work was close he wasn’t that anxious. You kissed him and promised to call him if anything happened. You were back just as Sam was preparing lunch. You greeted him with a kiss as fast as you could and rushed to the bathroom again. Then you moved to the couch exhausted and you started feeling contractions again. You didn’t pay too much attention to them but they made you feel uncomfortable. Your back pain was getting worse too. Sam brought your food to the couch. He left the dishes on the table and gave you a back rub which relieved your pain a lot. You both ate together. Then you decided to watch a movie together. You lied down ( on your side like your doctor instructed) and Sam was brushing your legs gently. That cheered you up a bit but the contractions were still making you feel uncomfortable.

“ All right...” Sam said when the movie ended. He switched off the Tv and kissed the top of your head. You sighed with content and then got up.

“ I’m gonna take a shower and then straight to bed...” You said and yawned...

“ I’ll join you...” He said and moved with you up the stairs. Normally he wouldn’t sleep that early but he had a very difficult day at work and he needed to get some sleep. And that was for both of you. Because when the baby comes you both knew you wouldn’t have nearly enough time to get some sleep. You started moving up the stairs and in the middle of it you had to stop. You felt another contraction. “ (Y/N)... Are you alright?” Sam asked concerned.

“ Yeah...I’m fine...” You said to him and continued up the stairs. But you weren’t really sure. This was a pretty intense one. You felt another one as you were entering the bathroom. You started taking your shirt off but then you heard a small pop and you felt some liquid running down your legs. You froze. Your heart stopped.You stayed there for a few seconds not moving at all. Then with slow moves you put your shirt back on. Constantly checkilng if you’d feel it again. Your heart beating like a drum now. You swallowed hard and tried to walk a few steps in the bathroom slowly and carefuly. And there it was. You felt it again. More liquid running down. And you knew what that was. And in that instant you understood what was going on your mind went empty. The pain you were feeling all those days didn’t matter. The frustration of not getting enough sleep didn’t matter. Nothing mattered...Everything was replaced by your racing heart that gave the rhythm to your anxiety and your excitement. You swallowed hard and took a deep breath. But your heart didn’t stop beating fast. It was beating even faster if that was possible. It was time...!!! You were having your baby! Now!!! You swallowed hard once more.You put your hands around your belly and you walked slowly to the door and opened it. You noticed your pants were slightly wet and your hand was trembling a little.Sam was fixing the pillow you used for your belly to make you more comfortable.He had already changed his clothes. You swallowed hard once more and spoke.

“ Sam...” You said calmly but your heart was still beating fast and hard. You could hear it in your ears. You could feel it in your whole body.

“ Yeah...” He answered to you lifting his head to look at you flipping his hair in the process. You swallowed hard once more. His eyes locked on yours. In your ears the fast sound of your beating heart.You continued in the same calm tone.

“ I think my waters just broke...”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be posted on Janyary 30 or 31...


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Labor and after...

“ I think my waters just broke...”

Sam looked back at you frozen for a few seconds. Then he chuckled breathlessly and took a deep breath trying to wrap his mind around what was happening. What was about to happen... You were both waiting for this moment for so long. You were preparing for this moment for so long. But now that it was real and it was happening... Right now! It was like reality hit you and you were both just standing there for a few seconds. For a few moments you felt so unprepared. Like nothing you’ve read or heard could compare to the reality of this moment and the thought of what would follow. Finally Sam smiled at you and you smiled back at him.

“ Al right...” He said exhaling deeply still smiling. “ I guess it’s time to head to the hospital...” He run his hands through his hair to keep his mind together. Your heart now was beating slower than before as the shock was wearing out. You could still hear the loud beats in your ears. Sam moved close to you pressed his lips on yours in a firm kiss that made your heart flatter before returning to its normal beat again. He pulled back smiling at you and started searching for his clothes. You started searching for your clothes too smiling. Once you found them you started getting dressed and you noticed your hands trembling a little giving away your excitement and your nervousness. Sam seemed calm but you new he was excited and nervous as well. His movements were a little faster and clumpsier than usual. He wore his pants the wrong way at first but he realised it almost immediately and rushed to change. You got dressed as fast as your belly allowed you and the contractions that were getting closer in time. They weren’t too bad...yet... like menstrual cramps really. Once you were both dressed Sam grabbed the bag you had ready from the closet and you both headed down the stairs. You got to the door and Sam helped you put your jacket on before putting his jacket on too. He opened the door ready to leave.

“ Sam...Car keys...” You said casually.

“ Right!” He said startled and started checking his pockets for the keys when he saw them on the living room table. He moved to take them and returned close to you. The bag still hanging from his shoulder. He kissed your lips briefly and then your head as he was stepping aside to let you walk out the door. You walked out and headed to the car feeling an intense pain at your lower belly and waist for a few seconds. Sam locked the door and rushed to the car as you were already sitting at the passenger’s seat. He threw the bag on the back seat and took his place on the wheal. He started the car immediately and you headed to the hospital. During the ride your contractions started getting worse and more frequent. The pain covered your lower belly and your back. It wasn’t unbearable but it was uncomfortable enough. Sam was checking on you every now and then. You noticed his knuckles had turned white as he was holding the steering wheal. By thetime you were close to the hospital your contractions seemed to last longer and being more painful. Now the pain extended to your whole belly and your back. It felt like everything inside you was squeezing together into a hard mass. Your belly was getting so hard and the pain was so intense that was taking your breath away. You put your hand on your belly but they felt numb like jelly as the pain was so intense and it didn’t seem to go away. You could hear your heart beat rising as you were trying to cope with the pain. You closed your eyes trying to focus and breath. But breathing seemed impossible. You couldn’t take enough air in! Like the pain was stealing the air you were breathing in before it could get to your lungs. You opened your eyes again feeling you couldn’t get another second of this and the pain stopped. You gasped and started breathing fast eager to take in the air you couldn’t take in before now that you could. Before the next contraction hit. You realised you started sweating. You felt Sam’s hand reaching to hold yours.

“ Are you alright?” He asked brushing the back of your hand with his thumb.

“ I’m fine...” You said breathlessly with a fading smile and brushed his hand briefly too as your hands felt weak. He put his hand back on the wheal. Another contraction hit you. Your belly felt like solid rock and the pain extended to your stomach as everything inside you was coming together again. You couldn’t breath! You felt your strength leaving beacuse of the strong pain! It lasted until you couldn’t bear it anymore and then it was gone again. And it was like that until you got to the hospital. Sam grabbed the bag from the back seat and helped you out of the car. You tried to walk fast to get in the hospital before another contraction hit you because you weren’t sure if you could handle walking when it would. Everything happened really fast since you walked in the hospital. You weren’t talking much. You already felt exhausted from dealing with the pain... You let Sam do the talking. You closed your eyes a few times to isolate yourself from everything around you to handle the pain! Soon you were in a room and the midwife announced you that you were dilated 5cm already and Sam said that the doctor was on his way. The midwife asked if you’d have an epidural injection and you replied positevely.You didn’t like it though. Needles! Needles on your spine! That’s all you could think about though your contractions were getting more intense and you weren’t sure anymore what was worse. When you discussed this with your doctor you agreed on periodic injections if you need them. The plan was for this one injection to hold for several hours but if your labor took longer you’d have another injection which the strength of which would be determined by your dilation. If you were close to pushing your doctor didn’t want you to get completely numb. And neither did you. He wanted you to have enough feeling to be able to push. You really hoped you wouldn’t have to be injected again.

“ In the meantime...Try to make yourself comfortable...” The midwife said smiling to you. You nodded but you knew this was just a word. What you were feeling right now was way more than uncomfortable. Sam sat next to you and wiped the sweat from your forehead and your neck. Your contractions were getting even worse. Your belly was getting harder and harder with every new contraction. The pain was extended from your lower belly to your stomach but your lower belly definitely had it worse. Along with your back that suffered excrusiating pain with every contraction. Every time breathing felt harder like the air was stollen from you once more and the exercises you did and the breathing techniques you learned during the classes you took didn’t help you much. Sam tried to give you rhythm but a look from you made him stop realising he wasn’t helping. So he just wiped the sweat to make you feel more comdortable. You felt new streams of sweat coming down your forehead with every new contraction and during that time you felt like your whole body was burning up and you needed cool air to hit you on the face and maybe even help you breath. And when that contraction was over you lied on the bed exhausted feeling the sweat making you cold. Sam was holding your hand brushing it gently trying to talk to you to distract you a little and every now and then asking how you were feeling. You weren’t really responding. It felt hard for you at this point. You were tired and you felt that if you spoke more than you already did you’d scream out of pain. You just nodded or gave him a fading smile. In the limited time between contractions you were feeling so exhausted you wanted to get some sleep but by the time you were feeling a little more relaxed another contraction would hit you. As your contractions were getting more and more frequent a guy walked in along with a nurse and he greeted both you and Sam and the nurse turned you on your side so the guy could give you the injection. You didn’t like that at all. But you couldn’t really decide between needles and pain. You tried to focus. You had a scared look on your face and you could hear your heart beating like a drum waiting for the guy to perform the injection. Sam reached for your hand with a smile on his face and brushed it. You looked at him with a smile that faded quickly as the combination of contractions and a needle in your spine took its toll on you. After the epidural was done you lied there for about fifteen minutes. Now the pain was so strong that you felt tears running down your eyes as you were struggling to breath. Sam leaned and kissed your forehead and brushed your hair with his other hand.

“ You’re doing great...” He said and his voice sounded a little gruff. You sniffed as more tears were blurring your vision. You blinked to clear your eyesight and you saw Sam smiling at you encouragingly. “ (Y/N)...You’re doing great...” He said and kissed your hand. You made an attempt to smile between tears. You didn’t dare to open your mouth and speak. You felt that if you did a moan would come out. But soon your tears stopped as the anaesthetic started to work. Your contractions became more bearable. You lied on your back again soon. You started moving more freelly. Your contractions still felt like they were taking your breath away but the pain was significantly reduced. A few minutes later the feeling was reduced to just your belly tighten with every contraction. Now you looked exhausted but you had a small smile of relief on your face. Now that the pain was gone the excitement of finally meeting your baby was back. The pain wasn’t distracting you anymore and you started focusing on other stuff. Like Sam’s hand that didn’t stop for a second brushing yours and in result both your hand and his were a little sweaty. You realised he was trying hard to keep his hand steady but you could still see it was trembling. Now that you were feeling better you brushed his hand with your thumb too offering him an exhausted smile. He looked back at you with a smile as well. And now you could focus on him and realise that behind his smile was excitement and nervousness that he was really trying to hide for your shake but now you were thinking more clearly and you could detect that.

“ How are you feeling?” He asked with the same smile.

“ Much...MUCH...better...” You said exhaling deeply in relief and exhaustion. You moved your hand to his collar and pulled it a little towards you in a tired way of asking for a kiss. Sam responded immediately and got up a little to get closer and pressed his lips on yours. He sat back on the chair next to you and you moved to get a little more comfortable on the bed. You let his hand go to fix the covers a little. “ How much time has passed?” You asked now that you were feeling more in control still fixing the covers.

“ Ah...” Sam said checking his watch. “ Almost two hours” he said to you with a nervous chuckle. You sighed lying on the bed more comfortable.

“ Can you bring me some water?” You asked realising you were feeling thirsty.

“ Ah...yeah...” Sam said and immediately got up from the chair with the same nervous clumpsy moves he got dressed and filled a plastic cup with water . “ Here” he said as he was giving you the cup. You thanked him and drank a little and then gave him the cup back. He left it on the table next to him and you reached for his hand again.He brought himself closer to you and brushed your belly a little before you reached for his fingers. He run them through yours brushing them in a relaxing way. His hand was still trembling... Now all you had to do was wait. Wait until you felt the urge to push. You really hoped it wouldn’t take too long but you weren’t feeling any pain now so basically you started spending the time more pleasantly. You reminded Sam to call mrs Feegs and the sheriff cause neither of you would be able to go to work tomorrow. Mrs Feegs was so excited you could here her voice loud and Sam had to keep a safe distance between his ear and the phone and looked at you with a smile. After he hung up the phone he called Jody who was very excited too.

“ No, no she’s fine...she had an epidural...” Sam said to Jody on the phone with a smile. He sounded excited now.“ No she’s not sleeping... You wanna talk to her?” He asked and when Jody replied he handed you the phone and you placed it at your ear.

“ Hey, Jody...” You said and your voice sounded a little tired but very happy.

“ ( Y/N), How are you feeling?” She asked in a concerned and excited tone.

“ I’m fine...” you repeated smiling. “ Just waiting...”

“ Don’t worry everything will be alright...I’ll try to get there tomorrow afternoon...” She said still excited.

“Alright...” You answered excited too but tired.

“ Now give the phone back to Sam...” She said with a new determined tone.

“ Ok...” You said confused. You handed Sam the phone who looked at you confused too.

“ Jody..?” He said unsure of what she’d tell him. Then his face took that expression of deep concentration and then an unsure smile. “Ok...” He said with a smile and hung up the phone. He raised his head to meet your confused stare. “ She told me not to freak...” He said and he chuckled unsure if he’d freak or not. He was nervous. You chuskled too and pulled his shirt again to pull him in for a firm kiss on the lips. He pulled back smiling at you and you brushed his cheek a little before he moved to sit on the chair next to you again. He looked at the phone in his hand and called Cas holding your hand with his other hand. Still trembling ( maybe a little more now...). He told him you were at the hospital and Cas said he’d be there as fast as he could. An hour later you were feeling tired from lying on the bed all this time and you moved a little to make yourself more comfortable. You lied back and you started feeling sleepy. Sam was brushing your hand relaxing you making you drift off faster. Every now and then you could she him brush him hair and take deep breaths trying to calm himself down. When you opened your eyes again nothing seemed to have changed. Sam was still brushing your hand and you were still lying on the bed.

“ Hey...” Sam said drawing your attention to him. You turned your head and looked at him. He looked tired now. His eyes were a little red. His hand still trembling slightly. He offered you a small smile and you brushed his hand in an attempt to calm him down. You smiled back and yawned.

“ How long have we been here?” You asked looking outside the window. Everything was dark and it was rainning a little.

“ A little more than four hours...” Sam said checking his watch. “How are you feeling?” He asked focusing on you again.

“ Good...I think...” You said. You were feeling your belly tightening a little stronger now but you weren’t in pain. “Contractions are getting more intense...” You said. “ I think we’re close...” You said and you felt your heart flattering with fear and excitement at the thought. You saw Sam’s muscles tense. He moved nervously on the chair and nodded. He kept on brushing your hand. You felt his muscles relax again. After a long pause he spoke again.

“ (Y/N)...” You turned to look at him. His voice was steady but he sounded a little nervous. “ Um... I’ve been thinking about the name...” He said in a serious tone and before he continued you spoke.

“Me too...” You said in a serious tone too lifting your self a little. Your back felt uncomfortable now. You looked at him. Your voice was steady too. You have been thinking about it. You haven’t talked about it but you were both thinking about it. Sam was looking straight into your eyes. You saw his eyes getting wet as he opened his mouth again.

“ Dean...” He said letting you know what he had in mind. His voice was steady and warm. It sounded a little gruff... His eyes were even more wet now. He swallowed hard and looked down briefly in an attempt to pull himself together again. But you smiled at him as he raised his head again and spoke.

“Dean...” You said too in a low voice brushing his hand that was still holding yours. Your eyes got wet too. A smile formed on Sam’s lips. You smiled back at him. He took a deep breath.

“ Alright...Dean it is...” He chuckled exhaling deeply and you noticed a tear leaving his eyes before taking another deep breath to calm down... You lifted yourself a little and pulled him a little closer to press your lips on his firmly. He moved his against yours in a tender kiss and you moved your hand to his cheek and then to his neck to brush his hair a little before you both pulled back smiling. Naming your son Dean meant a lot to both of you. Because Dean meant so much to both of you. He was laways there for you both no matter what...And you both loved him so much...This was the only suitable name for your son...

The next hour was calm and you tried to relax and get some rest before having to push. You told Sam to do the same. He agreed but he didn’t seem like he actually could. He was uneasy. But he kept on brushing your hand to soothe you for the next hour like he did before. He talked to you until he saw you were falling asleep. He kept quiet then so you could get some rest. But you didn’t actually get to sleep. The thought of meeting your baby soon was giving you new energy waking you up making your heart flatter with excitement. And when you were close to five hours at the hospital you felt your contractions lasting a little longer but they were further apart from each other. The sensation was making you uncomfortable but you weren’t feeling any pain. Maybe your back hurt a little but nothing much. Around that time you felt the overwhelming desire to push. Maybe that was it! Maybe it was time! You swallowed hard and you smiled. You brushed Sam’s hand and turned your head to look at him.

“ I think it’s time...” You said with a calm voice and a smile. “ I really feel like pushing now...” You said. He smiled and took a deep breath to keep himself together. You called the midwife and she checked if your dilation was complete. 10cm... It really was time! You felt your heart flattering in your chest. You took a deep breath to calm yourself down as nervousness and excitement began to take over again. Two nurses helped you to a whealchair and both you and Sam headed to the delivery room along with the nurses. They helped you lie down and basically got you ready to push your baby as the midwives were coming in followed by your doctor. You weren’t feeling that numb now. You could feel your back hurt and your contractions started feeling painful again. Not too much yet. But they’d get bad soon. The epidural was wearing off and you moved uncomfortably as you started feeling the pain. Sam who was still holding your hand leaned and kissed your forehead.

“ Hey...Don’t worry...You’ll be fine...” He said with a soothing voice mistaking your movement for nervousness. You didn’t correct him you just smiled to him. You didn’t want another injection! The pain wasn’t that bad and the sooner you’d start the sooner you’d finish and you wouldn’t feel much pain and you wouldn’t have to get more painkillers. But a few seconds later you felt an intense contraction that made you gasp. The nurse noticed that.

“ Oh the eidural is wearing off...” she said and looked at you. “ Maybe we could...” She started saying but you interrupted her struggling to talk during another contraction that was even more painful.

“ No...No...I can handle it...” You said. You weren’t sure about that but your mind was screaming NO MORE NEEDLES! And LET’S GET THIS DONE!.

“ Are you sure...?” The nurse asked but before she could finish her sentence you interrupted her again.

“ Yes...Yes...let’s get this done...” You said with a smile eager to start the process. The pain was very intense now. The sooner you’d do this the sooner the pain would end. You could feel your whole body sweat again. Sam looked at you worried but you tried to smile to him to reassure him. He kept on brushing your hand. His hand trembling... He looked a little pale. Your doctor got at position and spoke to you.

“( Y/N), everything will be alright...Now when you feel the next contraction I want you to push as hard as you can...” He said to you.

“ Ok...” You said breathlessly and nodded. You were already getting sweaty again trying to deal with the pain. Sam wrapped one arm around your shoulders and was holding your hand with the other. He kissed your forehead firmly to encourage you. A few seconds later you felt the next contraction. You clenched your teath and closed your eyes for a second to deal with the pain. You heard the midwife asking you to push and that’s what you did. You pushed as hard as you could! Putting all the strength you had to this! And then relaxed. And the midwife asked you to push again as your contraction was still on. And you pushed again! As hard as you could! Strangling Sam’s hand n the process... And then once more! The pain was so intense now! You felt you couldn’t breath! You were feeling nauseous! Yet you pushed as hard as you could! So much pain! Everything felt so stretched! And the pain was relieved... You fell back resting your head on Sam’s arm breathing heavily... Sweat all over your face and chest making you feel chills. You were still holding Sam’s hand firmly. You relaxed your grip trembling a little as you started noticing the voices around you.

“ Ok...relax now...” Your midwife said.

“ Get ready to push with your next contraction...” Your doctor said.

“You’re doing great, ( Y/N)...You’re doing great...” Sam was saying to you brushing your hand with nervous moves and kissing the top of your head every now and then. His voice gruff and trembling. “Just a little more...” He kept on saying... Trembling with excitement and nervousness... A few seconds later you felt the next contraction. So painful! But you found the strength and pushed. As hard as you could! Lifting your body in the process! Clenching your teeth! And the pain was so intense you felt your eyes tearing! Everything felt so strectched! You couldn’t breath! You couldn’t take it anymore! Your vision blurry with tears! You gained all the strength you had left! And then you pushed again! And again! And then the pain was gone and your head landed on Sam’s arm again. Your hair and body covered in sweat. Everything felt sore! You could feel the tears you shed before running on your cheeks. You were gasping. You relaxed your grip on Sam’s hand again and your hand was trembling. He was brushing it with his trembling thumb. His muscles on his hand were tensed too. You could see his vains popping out! And his grip on your hand was so strong... You were swallowing hard trying to get as much strength as you could and you started paying attention to the voices around you again.

“ All right...Let’s try this again...When you’re ready...” Your doctor said. You were more than ready to do it! You wanted this to be over! You couldn’t take it anymore! It was so painful! You could feel your strength leaving you! Just a little more! Just a little more!

“ Hold on...You’re doing great...” Sam’s voice reached your ears gruff and trembling with excitement but soothing to you. You swallowed hard and closed your eyes to gather your strenghth and you felt two teardrops running down your cheeks. Sam kissed the top of your head again in a tender kiss. And you felt the next contraction building up. The pain was getting unbearable and you took fast and deep breaths getting ready to push. Your eyes flooded again.“ Come on ,(Y/N)... You can do this!...” Sam’s encouraging words reached your ear and his lips were pressed against your forehead in a brief but tender kiss. And you pushed again! SO damn hard! Your teeth clenched! Your eyes watering! Your muscles tense! Your breath held! Your grip suffocating Sam’s hand! The pain unbearable! A sob leaving your lips. You relaxed! The pain was still there unbearable!

“ Again...” You heard your doctor saying! Sam held your hand tight to support you as you were getting ready for another push! You took a deep breath that the pain cut short and you pushed again! Hard! Your teeth clenched! Tears running down your eyes! They were closed! The pain getting worse! You couldn’t handle it anymore! It got even worse! Everything stretched! Excrusiating burning between your legs! You couldn’t keep it in! You moaned in pain! And it only got worse as your baby’s head was coming out of you! And then slightly better. The excrusiating pain was gone. The burning reduced as you were breathing heavily! And then your doctor asked you to push once more! Once more! Just once more! And you did! And it didn’t even had to be that strong! And in a few seconds most of the pain was gone. You lied down on Sam’s arm again breathing heavily feeling sore everywhere! You heard crying! Your heart flattered in your chest so hard you could hear it in your ears.You were still holding Sam’s arm firmly in anticipation. You opened your eyes. Your vison was still blurry with tears. Sam was frozen. You blinked fast! And just in time to see a nurse bringing your baby close to you in a blancet! And a second later putting him on your chest! You wrapped your arms around him immediately!Your little ,warm baby! He stopped crying the second he touched your skin. He made a noise like purring and moved to get more comfortable in your arms. Your eyes flooded again. You blinked fast again as your heart was beating like a drum! Your baby! Your little baby! You held him with one hand and moved the other to his cheek and brushed it with trembling fingers...

“Oh my God...” You said breathlessly as more tears were running down your eyes. Your heart was beating so fast and so hard! “Our baby...Our little baby...” You said in a high pitched voice and your words weren’t that clear between crying. He cried a little and then he stopped again. And then you felt Sam sniff next to you. He kissed the top of your head in such a strong and tender kiss! And you turned to look at him! He had a huge smile on his face. His eyes wet too! Focused on your baby! He moved his hand to brush your baby’s cheek too. You removed your hand to let him. Your baby immediately responded to Sam’s touch turning his head a little to enjoy his father’s affection leaving adorable sounds. His head seemed even more tiny in comparison to Sam’s trembling hand.

“ Hey, little guy...” Sam said and his voice was gruff and trembling again. Your eyes got wet again. Sam’s other hand was brushing your back. You turned to look at him again and he pressed his lips on yours in a tender kiss that lasted longer than you expected. You pulled back. He smiled to you widely and you saw a tear leaving his eye and you smiled back to him and then you both turned to your baby. Sam was still brushing his head with trembling hands and you were now tipping his nose with a finger that was still trembling. Dean moved comfortably in your arms enjoying mom’s and dad’s affection. And then the midwife came close to you. She asked if Sam would cut the umblical cord. He answered positively still a little out of space and time. She explained to him how to do it and he proceeded with a huge nervous smile on his face looking back at you every now and then.You were smiling widely too watching him. When this was done a nurse took Dean in her arms and both you and Sam said goodbye for the time being so the nurse could take him to be evaluated and properly cleaned up. Both you and Sam were watching her as she was going away with your baby. Sam returned next to you and he reached for your hand which you held running your fingers between his. He leaned and kissed you briefly. The rest happened so fast! You were in a rush... You didn’t pay much attention. You were so happy. In the moments that followed you delived the placenta, you were cleaned up a little and the nurses helped you to a new gown. You stayed in the delivery room a while longer for observation and then you were transferred in a postpartum room where your baby would stay too. He wasn’t there yet but the nurse told you he’d be with you shortly. You lied on the bed exhausted. Sam sat next to you exhausted too. You were looking at each other sharing the same excitement, the same happiness. You felt sore everywhere but you didn’t really care.

“ What’s taking them so long?” You complained.

“ We’ve only been here for five minutes...” Sam chuckled moking your impeteiense but he wasn’t more patient himself. You yawned and he smiled to you. He leaned and pressed his lips on yours. “ I love you...” He said in a serious tone. His voice deep and warm. You moved your lips against his and you pulled back. He had the same deep concentration look on his face. His eyes wet. You brushed his cheek.

“ I love you too...” You said with a smile and got a little more comfortable in the bed. You reached for Sam’s hand and he brushed the back of your hand with his thumb and in a few minutes you started drifting off. But when the door opened you opened your eyes and lifted yourself up a little with a smile full of anticipation as the nurse was walking in with your baby. Sam also stood up once the door open with a smile full of excitement. The nurse smiled to you and greeted you and brought Dean close to you. She carefully lifted him from his tiny bed and placed him in your arms. Sam sat next to you in the bed so he could have a clear look at the baby.

“ Hey...” You said in a voice a little louder than a wisper as she was handing him to you. Dean left an adorable sound as he was getting comfortable in your arms. Your heart was flattering in your chest. He was so tiny and tired... You were feeling so happy right now. The smile on your face so wide. He yawned and your heart skipped a beat. Your eyes got a little wet again. Sam reached for his head which was covered by a tiny woollen cup and brushed his cheek gently as if he was scared he’d hurt him. Dean once more moved his tiny head to respond to Sam’s touch.

“ Hey, little Dean...” Sam said in a low voice too that sounded a little louder than yours. Sam moved his hand to brush Dean’s belly and as he carefully removed his hand from his head Dean turned his head to your chest leaving another adorable sound. Your heart melt. Sam chuckled sliently in your ear and with his hand brushed your back slowly and tenderly while still holding Dean with his other hand. Brushing his chin every now and then.

“ You wanna try to feed him?” The nurse asked startling both you and Sam. You lifted your head to look at her as if you’ve just noticed her presence. Both of you still smiling widely. She smiled back at both of you and you wondered how silly you looked constantly smiling. But you didn’t really care.

“ A...yeah...” You said with a smile feeling a little nervous. Sam pulled back a little and took his hand from Dean to give you some space to get used to this. His hand was still brushing your back gently. The nurse helped you remove part of your gown and reveal your breast. You tried to put Dean on your breast but it didn’t seem to go very well. He leaked a little and then turned his head the other way. Your face took a disappointed expression.

“ Don’t worry...” The nurse said with a smile in a soothing tone. “ It’s not always easy at first... You’ll get the hang of it eventually... Besides, he doesn’t seem very hungry right now...” She said and you smiled back to her feeling encouraged. She helped you put your gown on again. Sam moved closer again and kissed the top of your head before brushing Dean’s cheek once more making him leave another adorable sound. The smile on your faces still on. “Do you want him to stay with you during the rest of the night? Or at the nursery?” The rest of the night. You looked at Sam’s watch that was right in front of you now. 2:50 AM. You wanted to keep Dean next to you but you were feeling exhausted. You were still sore too. Your lower half was still in pain even though you didn’t need any stitches. You wanted to get some descent sleep. Both you and Sam. Cause this would be the last time for the next few months. So you smiled at Dean who was already falling asleep and instructed the nurse to take him to the nursery and feed him formula during the night if he got hungry and bring him back to you first thing in the morning. She took Dean from your hands and put him back in his little bed. Both you and Sam said goodbye and she guided him outside. You lied back on the bed with a huge smile and a sigh of content. Sam leaned and kissed your lips briefly before getting comfortable in the big chair next to you. You reached for his hand from the bed. He quickly responded holding yours and moving his thumb in slow circles. You looked at him and he chuckled breathlessly excited and happy. You chuckled back and you both started drifting off...

In the morning you were woken up by the sweet light of the sun coming in from the curtains. You were still feeling tired but a few moments after you opened your eyes the smile on your face returned. You took a little time to relax in bed a little more. You were still feeling sore but better than last night. Now that your focus wasn’t on your baby you had the opportunity to notice your body. You certainly felt lighter. And your belly was much smaller now. But you still looked pregnant. And you probably would for at least a few more days until your body returns to normal. For now you were feeling pain.You were sore everywhere... You turned around to see Sam sleeping in the chair next to you exhausted too. A few hair on his face again. You smiled. One hand was lying on his torso and the other one was hunging next to the chair. He probably dropped it as you were holding hands last night. You lifted yourself up and stretched. You took your phone from the little table next to you. Sam must have left it there last night. You looked at the time. It wasn’t seven yet. Dean would be there soon but you wanted to take a shower before. The nurses instructed you not to try this alone. You could faint. Especially in the shower with the hot water lowering your blood pressure. You looked at Sam. He seemed exhausted. You didn’t want to wake him up. You were planning on calling for a nurse. And of course arrange for some food! You didn’t pay much attention to your hunger last night. You were exhausted and Dean had all your attention. But now! Now you were STARVING! And before Dean came you wanted to eat! A LOT! You closed your eyes and stretched once again.

“ You’re up already?” You heard Sam’s voice gruff from sleeping. You opened your eyes and turned to look at him as he was slowly getting up stretching.

“ I’ve only been up for a few minutes...” You said with a smile. He moved close to you.

“ Good morning...” He said with a sleepy smile and pressed his lips briefly on yours.

“ Good morning...” You said too pulling back brushing his cheek. He told you he’d go out to get you some breakfast and your eyes brightened so much. You told him you were starving and he promised to bring back food as fast as he could. But before that you asked him to help you take a shower. You did feel a little dizzy under the hot water but after you were done you felt refreshed and HUNGRY! Sam took his turn to the bathroom changing clothes. (You packed some of Sam’s clothes too in your hospital bag so that he wouldn’t have to go back home and change.) He kissed you good bye and immediately left to get some food for both of you. And he really did get back fast. About twenty minutes. And he brought two huge sandwiches with him only for you and fresh orange juice. He also bought some apple juice but now that you weren’t pregnant anymore you went back to resenting it. You ate so fast taking huge bites of the sandwiches and you did finish both of them. It wasn’t much but to you this was the best meal you’ve ever had! And it was SO satisfying! Sam ate his sandwich too and drank his coffee which made him feel a little more alert. A few seconds after you finished your meal the nurse walked in with Dean telling you he only ate once during the night and now he might be more hungry. You held him in your arms. Both you and Sam looking at him mesmerized. You removed your gown again and made another attempt to breastfeed. In the beginning Dean wasn’t really up to it again. But after a few more tries you both found a way to make it work and Dean’s face took an expression of pure enjoyment as he was getting fed making your heart flatter in your chest. Sam was watching alert trying to take in as much as he could of your son. After Dean was done eating he was a little more alert. And you moved him so Sam could hold him. Sam looked at you with a face full of excitement and then looked back at Dean with the expression of deep concentration. And then he cautiously putt his hand on Dean’s head carefully held him in his arms.

“ Hey, Dean...”He said and brushed Dean’s cheek again and he made bubbles with his tiny tongue. Both you and Sam chuckled and Sam took his eyes briefly away from Dean just to lean and kiss your lips. You pulled back brushing his cheek and he turned his attension back on Dean. He got up and walked around the room with Dean in his arms. Sam was talking and looking at him with so much love in his eyes. A constant smile on his face.He was rocking him in his arms every now and then looking at you with eyes bright with happiness. You were just looking at them both. Bonding... Sam was so happy. You were so happy. Your eyes got wet again. “ Let’s go back to mom...” Sam said after holding Dean for more than an hour. He came close to you and carefully placed Dean in your arms again. He kissed your lips and then sat next to you again so that he could be close to both you and Dean. You gave Sam a light kiss on the mouth after he sat next to you and you both turned to your son. His eyes looking curiously at you and Sam. Which made you both talk to him in low voices greeting him again and again. Telling him to look at Dad or look at Mom or look at both of you. Or you just stood there smiling at the most wonderful thing you’ve ever created...

Around that time you heard a knock on the door. Both you and Sam turned your heads to the door as it was opening slowly to reveal Cas. Your smiles got even more wide. He smiled to you both. He greeted you and walked in struggling a little. You greeted him back excited and you shared a confused look. You were watching him confused until you saw he was trying to get a huge blue teddy bear that had a heart on his belly where you read “IT’S A BOY” with white big letters. Sam got up to help him with the teddy bear just as Cas managed to get it through the door. He held it in his arms looking at you.

“ They told me it’s a good gift...” He said apologetically.

“ Cas it’s perfect...” Sam said and you backed him up.

“ Absolutely...” You said smiling to Cas. Cas put the teddy bear on the chair next to you struggling a little and then moved close to you and Sam. He looked at Dean as he was yawning. He smiled and spoke with his gruff voice in a calm tone.

“ Guys...He is beautiful...” He lifted his eyes and looked at both of you.

“ Thanks...” You both said flattered.

“ You wanna hold him?” You asked Cas. He was a little surprised by the question.

“ Sure...” He said smiling at you nervously. Sam got up to let him sit next to you so you could give him Dean. “ He is so tiny...” Cas commented as you were getting ready to place Dean in his arms. You glanced at him smiling acknowledging his comment.

“ Come on...Let’s go to uncle Cas...” You said speaking to Dean as you put him in Cas’ arms. His eyes brightened and he looked at you flattered so happy to be called “uncle”. He took Dean in his arms and looked at him. He then got up and looked back at you and Sam. You both gave him an encouraging look.

“ Um...hello...” Cas said formally. Dean murmured like a little kitten in response making Cas smile. He felt a little more comfortable and he started rocking Dean in his arms in a carefull way still trying to get used to it. He kept on smiling at Dean and you and Sam shared an excited look. Then Cas turned to you.

“What’s his name...?” He asked. You both got startled by the question. You looked at each other briefly and your expression was more serious now.

“ Um...Dean...” Sam said in a steady voice smiling a little.

“ His name is Dean...” You added in a serious tone smiling a little too. Cas turned and looked at both of you. His expression serious as well. He nodded acknowledging your choice and turned to your baby that was looking at Cas with wonder. Cas smiled to him.

“ Hello, Dean...” He said in his gruff voice far more comfortable with Dean now. Dean made bubbles with his tiny tongue again making Cas chuckle. You and Sam were watching Cas and Dean smiling until Dean started falling asleep and Cas passed him back to you as carefully as he could. Dean yawned and rested his head on your chest. His eyes closed and his mouth slightly open. He reminded you of his dad a little. You smiled and leaned to plant a light kiss on his forehead. Sam sat next to you again and brushed Dean’s chin a little before taking him from your arms to put him back to his tiny bed holding him carefully looking at him with so much excitement and love. Cas took a sit on the chair next to your bed after removing the blue teddy bear from there and Sam sat next to you on the bed and you rested your head on his chest after what seemed like forever... Cas stayed there so the three of you could talk. About an hour later Dean woke up crying. You held him in your arms realising he needed to change his diaper. Sam offered to do that and it was kind of fun to watch him struggle with it a little. But after he was done he chuckled proud with himself and brought Dean back to you laying him carefully in your arms. Dean started whining again as he got hungry too. So you nursed him. Dean fell asleep immediately after being fed. Cas stayed with you a while longer and then Sam told him to go to your home to stay if he liked. He already had keys in case of emergency. So Cas left and around that time both you and Sam got hungry again. So he got ready to leave to get something to eat. But at that time Mrs Feegs walked in along with the sheriff and his wife. Mrs Feegs and the sheriff’s wife were holding blue balloons. The sheriff was just following his wife with an expression that revealed that it didn’t suit him to be there. Both you and Sam greeted them with a smile. The sheriff shook Sam’s hand and congratulated him. Mrs Feegs moved straight to the baby and once she saw he was sleeping she tried to keep quite but Dean woke up any way by all the sounds that were going on around him earning a collective “aww”. You held him in your arms rocking him gently. Sam moved close to you and brushed his cheek with his finger to soothe him just as Dean started feeling better and he started exploring the world around him. The sheriff’s wife brushed her eyes as tears started running down her cheeks. “ So beautiful” She murmured and found a handkerchief in her husband’s clothes and she used it to blow her nose. Mrs Feegs offered you a huge smile and moved close to you to tell you that Dean was a very beautiful baby but she already expected that given the parents. That made both you and Sam chuckle. Then you put Dean in mrs Feegs’ arms and as she and the sheriff were talking to Dean you turned to Sam keeping an eye on them. The sheriff was feeling much more comfortable now and stoke Dean’s cheek a bit. Sam chuckled watching them all around your baby. You asked for the time and when Sam realised what time it was he got up said goodbye to everyone and left to bring some food for both of you. The sheriff and his wife left a while later wishing you and Dean the best. Mrs Feegs stayed until Sam came back with your food. Then she said goodbye to both of you and Dean and left. Dean was so tired when they all left that fell asleep in your arms immediately. You put him back in his little bed and both you and Sam ate since you were starving by the time everyone left. You managed to get some sleep too. At least until Dean woke up again being hungry. You nursed him once more. That’s when your doctor came to check on both you and the baby. He satyed a while and you took the opportunity to thank him for everything. After he left both you and Sam were watching Dean making bubbles with his tongue looking at you both when Matt knocked on the door and walked in breathing heavily. He apologised for not getting there sooner but Sam told him to relax and that it was fine. Sam got up to allow Matt to sit next to you and look at Dean. He looked amazed at him. You asked Matt if he wanted to hold him and his initial response was negative. He didn’t trust himself with something that small and fragile. But you trusted him. So you put the baby in his arms carefully and he seemed so excited he was holding a baby. He held him a while longer and then gave him to Sam who had the same amazed look on his face every time he was holding Dean. Matt stayed for a little longer and then he left. Sam sat on the chair next to the bed and watched him rocking Dean gently until he fell asleep again. He put him back to his little bed and then you asked him to help you walk a little. You were still feeling sore but you got tired of lying on the bed all day. After a few steps with Sam’s help you felt more comfortable to walk on your own so you walked around the room a while. Visited the bathroom since you’ve only visited it once more when Cas left after your morning shower. You stretched a little. And you returned to your bed just when Dean woke up again. Sam picked him up and changed him once more and Dean fell asleep in his arms again immediately after that. Sam put him down again and sat next to you with a sigh. He kissed your head just as you heard another knock on the door.

“ Hello...” Jody said in a low voice not to wake up Dean if he was sleeping.

“Jody!” You said excited waking up Dean who started crying. You turned to him immediately and held him in your arms with a smile.

“ I’m sorry,Dean...” You said and kissed his head lightly before rocking him gently to soothe him. At the same time Sam got up excited and hugged Jody.

“ Hello Jody...!” He said.

“ Sam...!” Jody said hugging him with a huge smile on her face. She patted his back and pulled back. Then she moved close to you and looked at Dean who was still crying telling you he looked so beautiful. You felt so proud! She stayed there to talk with you and Sam for a while as Dean was starting to relax in your arms. Then Sam asked you if you were hungry and you answered positively. He pressed his lips on yours before leaving and asked Jody if she wanted anything. She said no and he left. By that time Dean had relaxed and he was looking around again with excitement. You put him in Jody’s arms and she got up and walked around a little with him in her arms. Then she stood in front of you and you saw her face darken. Her smile fading. Her eyes locked on Dean but not seeing him... You knew what she was thinking about... Your smile faded too. You weren’t sure if you should say anything right now or not. In the end you decited to speak as her eyes started getting wet.

“ Jody...” You said in a low voice. She looked at you. She understood the change in your tone. You saw a tear leaving her eye.

“Don’t...” She told you in a firm tone. “This is **your** day...” She said to you in the same tone. She handed you Dean carefully as you were watching her closely. She pulled back and smiled to you. You smiled back to her a little. She sat on the bed next to you. “So...Did he freak out?” She asked with a chuckle changing the subject completely. Sam came back just in time to say goodbye to Jody. You offered her to stay at your home for the night but she said she had to drive back cause she had to work tomorrow. She promised to visit the next day if she had the time. Dean fell asleep again so you put him in his bed and you both ate. And then it was time for both you and Sam to get some sleep. Dean wouldn’t stay at the nursery this time so the more sleep you got the better it was. You started getting ready for bed. You had a hot shower while Sam was watching Dean and then he had a shower as well and changed into more comfortable clothes for the night. You lied on the bed and Sam yawned but he sat next to you on the bed and not on the chair.

“ Ah...before we sleep...I wanna show you something...” He said and you noticed he was holding a bag. You didn’t see him bringing it in. He was holding three bags with food when he came in and you didn’t notice this one. You lifted yourself up to be closer to him as he was handing you the bag. You opened it to find a blue bodysuit for Dean. You got it out of the bag with a wide smile as Sam was watching. And then you noticed something tiny shining in the fabric close to the neck. You looked at it closely. It was a small silver removable charm that had the same symbol carved on it that Sam had tattooed on his chest. You smiled as your eyes got wet again.

“ It’s beautiful...” You said brushing the charm with your thumb. You lifted your head to see Sam smiling proud. You put the bodysuit back in the bag. Sam took it from your hands to put it on the chair and then he returned to your bed.

“ And this...” He said and got a tiny bag out of his pocket. “ Is for you...” He said and handed it over to you. You took it in your hands smiling and opened it. It was a beautiful bracelet. You lifted your head to look at him with a huge smile on your face and once you did he continued in a serious tone. “Thank you for being my wife...” He chuckled a little and looked at Dean before turning back to you to continue in the same tone. “ And thank you for the greatest gift of all...” He said to you. Your heart was flattering in your chest. Your throat had closed as the tears were flooding your eyes. You put your hands on his collar and pulled him in for a deep and tender kiss. You pulled back and wrapped your arms around his neck. He held you tight and you said in a low voice.

“ Thank you for being the most wonderful husband in the whole damn world...” You stayed like that for a while longer. Feeling comfortable in each other’s arms. Then you both went to sleep holding hands again. Only for a while though as Dean woke up again soon feeling very hungry. You didn’t sleep very well that night but you did manage to get some sleep in the morning. The next day Cas came to visit once more before leaving and then a midwife came to examine both you and the baby. The next morning you took Dean and headed back home feeling so happy and you both knew that your life had changed so much since you left it. And it would change so much more in the years to come...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter on February 12 or 13... :-)


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First year...

The first few days with Dean at home where full of excitement and nervousness. You had to take care of your baby now. That fragile little thing that depended on you completely. Your baby... A part of you and Sam... That put a smile on your face every time you thought about it. Mrs Feegs gave you three months off work and the sheriff agreed to give Sam one month off so you both had time for your baby now. It wasn’t easy at first. Dean cried a lot and it was still kind of hard for you to understand what he needed each time. Except when he needed to be changed. The smell made that clear. He would also eat a few times a day. Sometimes he became more active after eating and both you and Sam took advantage of that time to play with him. Together or alone. Most of the times though he started falling asleep again in your arms. When you had time and energy you didn’t put him back in his crib. You were just sitting comfortably on the couch holding him. Caressing his cheeks, his head, his little hands. His little hands that had tiny gloves on them now so that he wouldn’t scratch his cheeks with his nails that you weren’t aloud to cut yet. Jody’s gift... Sometimes he would turn a little in your arms just enough to be able to lay his tiny palm on your chest. Reaching for you for protection... And every time he did that you were feeling your heart flatter and a huge smile was forming on your face. And you were just watching him sleep. So beautiful! So tiny! You loved him so much! You couldn’t take your eyes away from him and you didn’t want to... You could see him and feel him breathe in his sleep... You loved him so much... Sometimes Sam would join you on the couch and you both watched your baby sleep together with the same look of amazement and love on your faces. Barely talking and barely moving...Careful not to wake him up... You just shared an awed look with a huge smile on your lips wondering how did you create something so beautiful... And soon Dean would wake up crying but you would still look at him with the same amazment and love ready to comfort him and take care of him... And maybe play with him if he wasn’t sleepy again. Now that you were both home you had time to play with him together or alone... But soon you and Sam started getting tired too.

Your everyday life wasn’t that simple anymore. Your baby was the center of attention and at first it was hard to combine that with your chores and some time for the two of you. And the exhaustion you were both feeling made things worse. Dean would wake up every one or two hours during the night resulting on both you and Sam not getting enough sleep. You tried to take turns and most of the times it worked. Sam was trying to take on as many times that Dean needed something that wasn’t food so you could get some rest until it was absolutely necessary for you to wake up and nurse Dean. At first you were both waking up together not really sure what Dean wanted but soon you started recognising his crying. To anyone else it would sound exactly the same but to you and Sam the sounds were different. Dean’s crying was slightly different when he needed changing, when he was hungry or he just couldn’t sleep. And that made your life easier... You also tried to share the chores especially when those involved going out of the house. When you went grocery shopping you would get at least a call from Sam to hurry cause Dean was hungry. Something that made you uncomfortable too as Dean was drinking a lot of milk making your breasts feel full and sore almost all the time... But non of that mattered when you were spending time with your baby or watching each other spend time with your baby. You cought Sam watching you talk to Dean with a small smile on his face a few times before joining you. And you did it too... And you were both so silly when talking to Dean, playing with him but you didn’t really care. Dean enjoyed your attention as much as you did his. And one thing both you and Sam enjoyed was bathing him. Not every baby likes water but Dean enjoyed it a lot. At first it was nice to watch him comfortable in yours or Sam’s arms almost asleep washing him. When he started getting a little more active you put him in a baby bathtub with a sponge cushion that had the shape of a bear . He liked that a lot... After getting comfortable in the water he was getting excited splashing with his legs laughing making you and Sam soaking wet. Laughing... That beautiful sound...Your baby laughing... The first time you heard that sound felt so amazing. You were cooking in the kitchen as Sam was playing with Dean in the living room doing all shorts of stuff. At some point he called you and you assumed Dean was hungry but when you walked out of the kitchen he made a silly face and suddenly Dean started laughing. Both you and Sam had an excited look on your face. He looked at you proud with his achievement. You brushed his back impatiently asking him to do it again. You had both tried every possible silly face but this was the only time it seemed to work. Sam did that face again and indeed Dean started laughing again making your heart flatter. And you just stayed there watching Dean laugh every time Sam did that silly face. Until Dean got tired and started crying and you had to take him from Sam’s arms to nurse him. And he was the only one who got to have a decent lunch cause you forgot about the food completely and it got burned so you and Sam enjoyed a sandwich...Since then Dean started laughing more often making you both look at him with excitement and love... And he laughed a lot when in his bathtub... He was so excited that his laughter was very loud. And he was a sight for sore eyes. Splashing the water with his legs and his hands. At least most of the times... Cause one time he splashed the water with his hands with a little too much force and he got water in his eye. He immediately started crying loudly and you had to get him out of the bathtub and walk with him around the house rocking him to comfort him. You got scared too when that happened and you were thankful you hadn’t used any soap yet... But despite that one incident Dean enjoyed his baths a lot. He was a little grumpy when you or Sam were getting him out of the bathtub but it would go away fast... At the end of every bath you or Sam or both of you needed to change your clothes. Dean had splashed water all over you. And some times you didn’t get to put his diper on in time and Dean would pee on you sending your clothes straight for washing... And Dean was smiling making bubbles with his tongue like nothing hapened...

He didn’t feel that comfortable when you were visiting the doctor. Jody helped with the research for a good pediatrician when you were still pregnant. The guy you found was a very pleasant man. Both you and Sam liked him instantly. Dean on the other hand disagreed. The first time you set foot at the doctor’s office he was crying all the time when you were at the waiting room... And his crying was loud! He gave you a headache. You were trying to comfort him but nothing seemed to work. Sam took him in his arms at some point and walked with him up and down the hallway for a while until Dean finally started feeling a little better. When Sam returned to sit next to you Dean was still whining but he wasn’t that loud anymore... You were both looking around at the other parents apologetically. Other babies were crying too but non that loud and for as long as Dean did. You were feeling uncomfortable. A mom sitting across from you noticed that and she told you not to worry. Her one year old boy now playing with his dad cried so much when he first visited the doctor that they had to come back another time. That did make you feel better. At least until you walked in to see the doctor. When Dean saw him he bursted into tears again. And he was very loud again. But the doctor was more than calm. He examined him and after a while Dean calmed down. When he had his first shot things went worse. He couldn’t stop crying even after you left the doctor’s office which scared you. You started thinking that something had gone wrong but the doctor reassured you and Sam ( who was trying to stay calm but he started getting worried too...) that Dean was just upset and that he’d calm down once you get home and he’d recognise the enviroment. Indeed he did calm down when you got home and he was very hungry and after you fed him while Sam was cooking he fell asleep immediately. You put him in his crib and met Sam downstairs to eat. Then you both went to bed feeling exhausted. When you lied on the soft mattress you could barely keep your eyes open. You wispered goodnight to each other and drifted off to get as much rest as you possibly could. Most days were like that. So many things to do! And you were so tired after doing them! And you loved spending time with your baby playing, talking, taking him for walks... even trying to teach him to walk. But you didn’t have any time for you two. Or rather when you had time you prefered sleeping. But you tried hard to spend more time together and things were better after the first six weeks as Dean started sleeping a little more during night and you and Sam didn’t have to wake up so often. And now you were allowed to have sex. Both you and Sam missed that a lot. But after giving birth you were feeling a little unprepared. A little out of your element. You were very anxious. It was the first time you actually asked Sam to be gentle. He kissed you encouragingly and promissed you would take it slow. And you did. But after a while you felt very comfortable and content and you became a little rougher signaling Sam to do the same. You both enjoyed it a lot and it felt good to share that kind of intimacy again. You didn’t really get many opportunities to go out. But you did manage to visit Jody with Dean and she watched him so you and Sam could go out. You didn’t feel comfortable with that at first. You trusted Jody with your baby like anyone else but you didn’t like leaving him.You missed him so much. You wanted to call Jody every ten minutes but Sam convinced you you had no reason to call...And soon you started feeling better leaving him at home... Sam was excellent at reassuring you that Dean would be fine without you though checking on Dean was the first thing he did when you returned. You were going out only for an hour or two because if you were gone for more Dean started crying asking for you.

Which made things a little more difficult when you had to return to work. Sam had already been back to work for two months and you were both feeling comfortable that **you** were at home taking care of Dean in the morning. But now that you had to work too you had to find someone else to do this for you. Eventually you did find a very nice woman. A little younger than mrs Feegs that had great experience with kids. But first you had to make sure she wasn’t more than she seemed. So when mrs Wright came to your home you noticed she passed the devil’s trap that was under the carpet in front of the door and made her way to the couch. You sat with her talking as Sam was in the kitchen making coffee for her with Dean. Deliberately keeping him away from her until you were sure. When he offered her the coffee he also offered her a silver spoon. You shared a look as she was about to add some sugar to her coffee. You were watching closely as she used the spoon and nothing happened. You shared a small smile and Sam brought Dean to her. You had already checked her backround ( and her house) to make sure that she wasn’t a witch. And Dean liked her instantly. You and Sam were watching as she was talking to him. They seemed to get along pretty well. But still when the time came for you to leave home for work even though you were close your heart tightened in your chest. But you missed working and soon you felt better being back at the library. You also got the chance to borrow some books to read to Dean. You weren’t sure if he’d understand anything yet but he seemed to like the sound of yours and Sam’s voice when you were reading to him. Sam insisted that he liked books already as much as you did and that’s something he took from you. And you insisted that Dean’s eyes looked more and more like his. Evey day you would call once during the day to check on Dean and it was always great when you’d get back home. He started moving his hands excited gigling every time he saw you. And you were rushing to him to hold him in your arms and once you did Dean would leave a content sound. Mrs Wright would tell you how was his day and then you’d say good bye. Sam was back a couple of hours later and Dean was getting excited to see him too. Giggling stretching his hands to reach him. His smile was getting even wider when Sam was holding him... Around that time Danny called asking if he could visit. He didn’t manage to visit you at the hospital. He apologised over the phone but he didn’t give you a reason. He just said that he wanted to see you and Sam and of course Dean. So you were waiting for him on Friday afternoon. Dean was playing with his toys on the living room carpet looking very excited. You had pushed the table away so Dean could have room to play safely. Sam was delayed at work but he hoped to be on time to see Danny. When you heard the doorbell you lifted Dean and put him back on his rocking chair to sit safely so you could greet Danny. You opened the door.

“ Danny...” You said with a big smile as the tall man in front of you leaned to hug you.

“ Hey...” He said hugging you. But the tone of his voice wasn’t what you were used to. He almost chuckled but he sounded serious. You pulled back a little confused and smiled to him. He was smiling back to you but he didn’t seem like the Danny you knew. There was some melancholy in his eyes...Something tired in his smile...He seemed older than he was... You stepped aside so he could come in. He moved to the living room.

“ Oh my God! Is that him?” He said excited as he was looking at Dean who was offering him a huge smile. Again his tone sounded excited but serious.

“ Yeah...” You chuckled proudly and got Dean from his rocking chair to give him to Danny to hold him. He held him excited. He rocked him a little as Dean was biting his toy looking at Danny.

“ Oh my, Little (Y/N)... He took nothing from you...” He said mocking you but you noticed the same melancholy in his eyes. He noticed you looking at him. His expression turned to a gentle smile. He was looking at you in the eyes as he seemed to understand that you could see that something is wrong... He let Dean on the carpet again to play with his toys that were spread all around it. You asked him if he wanted anything and when he answered you coffee you rushed to the kitchen to make it and be back to sit on the couch with him. You chatted a little. Danny continued to make fun of you because Dean had Sam’s eyes and he seemed to have fun. But in a different way than he used too. He wasn’t the excited sometimes bitter young man you knew. He looked like he’s been under a lot of stress. You noticed his hair were a little less. He looked like he got very mature very fast. And he was melancholic in a way you’ve never seen Danny be. You watched Dean lifting his body making an unsuccessful attempt to crawl that didn’t disappoint him. He laughed and tried again and you were watching him when Danny’s voice interrupted you.

“ (Y/N), I’m really sorry I didn’t visit you at the hospital...” He started saying with a gentle smile.

“ Danny...” You started saying to reassure him Thta it was more than fine. You understood that he probably couldn’t. But he offered you a smile that made you stop. He didn’t tell you this because he wanted reassurance that it was ok. What he was about to tell you was far more important.

“ I really wanted to...But I couldn’t...” He said with the same smile. He made a pause but you didn’t interrupt him again. “ I was having some tests done...” He chuckled melancholically. You were watching him closely. “ And...well...” He took a deep breath. “Cancer...” He chuckled looking straight in your eyes. Your jaw dropped. You felt your heart sink. You didn’t see that coming. Your heart was beating painfully. You moved your mouth trying to find something to say but you were speechless. You were shocked!... Danny had cancer... Before you could come back from the shock Danny continued. “Stomach cancer apparently...” He chuckled again.

“Danny...” You started saying breathlessly. You took a deep breath to calm down as your thoughts started getting into place again... “How bad is it?” You asked.

“Bad enough...” Danny said. “I’ve started chemo...We’ll see for how long...” He started saying. You let him explain to you everything. How he found out. What he has to do. That he might have to undergo surgery. And he also answered the question you had in mind. And his answer was that yes...It was possible he could die. At this point you felt your throat closing and your eyes hurt but you didn’t let the tears drop. You still had something in mind. You could help... “Mark has been by my side since the beginning...” Danny said with a smile. He was in a relationship with Mark since after your wedding. You didn’t pay much attention to the last few things Danny said. Your mind was to what you could do. But that meant telling Danny a little more about your life...And Cas... You took a deep breath watching Dean bite his toy.

“ Danny...” You started saying giving him an intense look. “ Cas...” You said another word before he interrupted you.

“ I know...” He said with the same gentle smile. “ I didn’t really believe he was that conceited he considered himself an angel... He didn’t seem like the type...” He joked and then looked at your shocked face.

“ Danny, Cas can heal you...” You started saying.

“ I bet he can...” He interupted you again with a smile. “ He is a real actual angel!... A hot one too!” He chuckled... And then his smile faded. “ But I don’t want him to...” He said and his eyes got wet. “ Letting him do this for me...” He continued. “ Letting an angel heal me...” He took a deep breath. “ Will connect me to the life you led... Maybe even drag me to it...” You opened your mouth to protest but he continued before you could. “ I will never be able to forget that i’ve been healed by an angel...And I won’t....” He paused and swallowed hard... “And I won’t be able to ignore the things I know that exist... I won’t be able to resist living the life you and Sam” He paused for a moment... “ And Dean led...And I admire you for it! More than you can possibly know!....” He rushed to reassure you. “But I know what it cost you...You lost the man you loved to this life and I’m sure that’s only what **I** know you’ve lost... And I don’t want that for me...” You saw a tear leaving his eye. “ Even if it means I’ll die...” Tears were running down your cheeks. You didn’t agree with that! But you understood why Danny didn’t want to. If he went in. There was no way out. You and Sam weren’t completely out either. And you could never be...And Danny understood that...And he didn’t want this for himself... You took a deep breath and spoke.

“ What if chemo doesn’t work?” You asked and your voice broke.

“ Right now...” Danny started saying and took a deep breath and offered you a gentle smile. “ I need you to tell me that it will...” His eyes flooded just like yours and you leaned to hug him. You felt tears running down your cheeks.

“Damn right it will...” You said determined. Dean interrupted this moment bursting into tears. You pulled back and wiped your tears and moved close to him. He wasn’t hungry and he didn’t need changing. He was distressed to see you upset. You lifted him and held him in your arms sitting back on the couch smiling. You kissed his forehead to soothe him. Danny smiled at you and continued.

“ And that brings me to why I’m here...” He smiled widely. “ You see due to the recent events Mark and I decided to move things a little faster...so...I’m getting married next month...” You smiled back at him widely. Even Dean gigled seeing you smile. “ So I was wondering...” Danny continued. “ If you and Sam would like to attend my wedding?...” He asked with fake formality smiling widely.You chuckled surprised. Danny chuckled happy too. His eyes weren’t wet anymore. But you could still feel your throat closed. “Check out the venue...” He said showing you some pictures on his phone...” You had fun for the next half hour. Sam also got home. He greeted Danny and went straight to hold Dean who was delighted to see him. For only a few minutes though because he got hungry now so Sam passed him back to you. Danny also got up to leave having told Sam only about the wedding. You insitsed on him staying a little longer but he said that Mark would pick him up so they could go see a movie. When he left you finally got the time to feed Dean. Sam sat next to you. He was very tired but he barely spent any time with Dean today and he missed him. So he was just watching as you were nursing him. Once you were done you passed him Dean who got comfortable in his arms and fell asleep. Sam went up the stairs to put him in his crib. When he came back to the living room he found you sitting on the couch lost in your thoughts.

“ Hey...” He said brushing your back. He startled you. You turned your head to look at him and offered him a small tired smile. “ So Danny is getting married...” Sam chuckled. He understood that something was wrong and he was trying to figure out what it was. You didn’t answer. You just took a deep breath lost in your thoughts. Sam spoke again. “ He seemed a little different, don’t you think?” He said.

“ Yeah...” You said in a deep and gruff voice without looking at Sam. You took another deep breath still lost in your thoughts not really paying attention to Sam. He took a deep breath as you weren’t saying another word.

“ Fine...” He said and he sounded tired and a little angry you weren’t talking to him. That tone brought you back to reality as Sam was making a move to get up. You moved fast and put your hand on his arm to stop him.

“ I need to talk to you about something...” You said as he was sitting back on the couch. He looked at you confused. You took a deep breath and started explaining why Danny seemed different.You told him about the cancer, the chemotherapies. You also told him about Cas. What you told Danny and what he answered you in return. That he didn’t want Cas to interfere. Once you were done Sam looked shocked liked you did. He took a deep breath to wrap his mind around this. You took a deep breath too and spoke again telling him what you were thinking.

“ He doesn’t have to know...” You said. Sam turned to look at you puzzled. You went on to explain. “ Cas can heal him without him knowing...” You said.

“ No...” Sam said firmly without giving it a second thought. He took another deep breath and he continued. “ This is his choice to make...” His voice sounded gruff. You knew what he was thinking. Dean made choices for him many times in the past. Especially when they had to do with him living or dying. He believed this was Danny’s choice only and you shouldn’t interfere. He looked at you and you understood this was one of those moments that he saw Dean’s traits in you. You took another deep breath and spoke again.

“ And if chemo doesn’t work?” You asked suggesting you should at least let Cas heal him if that’s the case.

“ We ask him again...Maybe he’ll change his mind about Cas...” He said and his voice sounded gruff again. You couldn’t disagree with him. This was Danny’s choice. And if he didn’t want this...you shouldn’t make the choice for him. You nodded swallowing hard. Then you took his hand and lifted it. You moved to rest your head on his chest and Sam lied down on the couch carefully wrapping his arms around you.

“ It feels wierd...” You said. “ Losing someone of something normal...” You said and took another melancholic deep breath.

“ He is not dead yet...” Sam said and kissed the top of your head. “Besides he might change his mind about Cas...” He said trying to be positive. It was hard for him too not to interfere. But it was the right thing to do. You smiled and raised your head. You put your hand on his neck and pressed your lips on his. He moved his hand and brushed your cheek with his thumb. You pulled back and looked at him as his arm was wrapping around your body again. He had a small smile on his face. His eyes locked on yours. The same eyes that looked at you every time Dean looked at you. You made yourself comfortable on his chest again and spoke changing the subject.

“ Our son has his next shot scheduled next week...” You said.

“ I’ve already taken the afternoon off...” Sam responded. You kept talking about Dean until you went to bed. But when you did you couldn’t sleep. Your mind was still on Danny. From that day on you tried to speak with Danny more to find out how things were going. Of course both you and Sam attended on the wedding leaving Dean with Jody for that weekend. Danny seemed to go well but you were still worried. You felt better when after a month of chemo the only thing he had to say was that he looked better bald but if things go on like this he’d have his hair back in no time. Danny never forgot to ask how Dean was doing too. And that led to at least half an hour of you talking amazed with your baby. Dean was still making attempts to crawl but he still couldn’t support himself very well resulting in him falling and laughing about it every time. He really enjoyed his walks with Sam in the house. Though he wasn’t actually walking he was bouncing his legs gigling excited making a huge smile form on Sam’s face. He also did enjoy you reading and talking to him. He had also started babbling saying all shorts of stuff. He didn’t even realise what he was saying but it encouraged you and Sam to ask him to repeat the words mom and Dad. He couldn’t just yet but he gigled loudly at your tries. You still loved to hold him in your arms after falling asleep just watching him. How he had grown. He had also started getting more hair on his head. Exactly the same colour as his father’s. You were brushing his cheek gently for at least half an hour before putting him to his crib to spend some time with Sam. Who was waking just like you at least once every night to change Dean. Sometimes he wasn’t coming to bed right away which caused you to get up one night and see what was going on. He was sitting next to the crib watching Dean sleep. Brushing his cheek every now and then. That sight made your heart flatter in your chest. You sat next to him and you both stared at Dean for a few more minutes before heading back to bed smiling at each other exhausted. Around that time Cas found the time to visit you and you were all very excited. You and Sam couldn’t help but laugh every time Dean spend time with Cas. Cas was holding him in his arms and Dean was looking at him with his eyes wide open in awe. You weren’t sure what was different about Cas that made him look at him so amazed but Cas was looking at him amazed too. He also confirmed what you already knew that Dean had Sam’s eyes. Dean enjoyed playing with Cas and he gigled loudly. He was also feeling very comfortable with him and in result he slept in his arms. You were cooking and Sam was helping you when Cas walked in with Dean in his arms asking for further instructions. Sam helped Cas put Dean in his crib and when the food was ready you called them to eat. Cas joined you even though he wasn’t eating. Jody also found some time to visit you. Which was a huge relief. Jody knew about babies and she knew what you and Sam were going through and how tiring everything was at this point. So she helped you around the house and with Dean which resulted in you and Sam having more energy for you two. After a month or so you started feeding Dean with cream too. He didn’t want to eat much of it at first but you did manage to convince him. But he was still making a mess every time you were feeding him. Both yours and Sam’s clothes were full of cream after feeding Dean. But soon he got used to it and he started eating without making such a big mess every time you fed him. He was still trying to crawl with not much success yet but it still didn’t disappoint him. But he seemed to manage it on Thanksgiving. Around that time he started getting his teeth too. At first you and Sam were very excited. But then Dean became insufferable. He was crying almost all the time. He’d wake up in the middle of the night and he wouldn’t go back to sleep for at least an hour. Sam and you would walk around the house rocking him to calm him down but until that happened you had a headache. He was crying so loud. You got scared that something was wrong with Dean. That something besides his gums was hurting him real bad and that’s why he was crying so much. You visited the doctor and called him twice during the night to make sure Dean was fine. The doctor calmed you down explaining you he just had it harder than other babies and that he’d calm down soon. But until then the neighbors stopped talking to you. Apparently Dean was so loud they could hear him during the night. He did calm down though just like the doctor said after two weeks of crying his eyes out and almost no sleep for you. And the neighbors started talking to you again with Christmas approaching. You and Sam never really celebrated Christmas. Even after you got out of the hunting life you didn’t celebrate. You didn’t decorate the house or anything. Though Jody invited you to eat together on Christmas but you prefered to go on a trip just the two of you for a few days and visit Jody at some point during the Christmas break. Now things were different. Now you had Dean. And you knew your baby would love Christmas. And this was your opportunity to love them too. This time you bought a big christmas tree. You decorated it with all shorts of things. Dean loved the lights the most. You would let him sit near the tree and he was staring at the lights with awe gigling excited everytime they changed patterns.You had christmas songs playing all the time as Dean loved them a lot. You even asked Jody for advice cause this time you actually decided to make an attempt and cook for Christmas. And of course you invited Cas to spend Christmas with you. He was surprised at first. He knew you weren’t celebrating Christmas but you explained him why you changed your mind. So on Christmas Eve afternoon the doorbell rang and Sam opened the door as you were playing on the floor with Dean. He had mastered crawling now and he was making his first attempts to stand holding on to anything he could. Sam opened the door and Cas walked in greeting you both. Dean turned and gigled delighted to see him. You spend the night around the Christmas tree talking and playing with Dean who was so excited with everything. At some point you left him play on his own and sat on the couch with Cas and Sam watching him. He took advantage of that and made his way to the tree fast reaching for the lights excited.

“ Dean, No!” You said spotting him and run towards him to stop him. He started whining when you held him in you arms to put him down again away from the tree. You were trying to soothe him but he wasn’t listening. He was just staring at the tree. Sam had already moved close to you holding one of his toys that had a small mirror on.

“ Dean look at this...” He said bringing the toy close to Dean. Dean put his hand on the mirror and gigled distracted. You and Sam shared a smile and you got up letting him play with Dean and you sat with Cas on the couch getting some rest. Dean noticed the tree again and Sam couldn’t distract him with another toy so he held him in his arms and took him to the tree to see it better but being careful not to get hurt. Then Dean spend some time playing with Cas which was an amazing sight as both Dean and Cas shared the same excited smile playing with Dean’s toys. Until Dean got tired and started falling asleep. You put him to bed and then you and Sam went to bed too. Cas stayed in the living room to watch movies on tv. On Christams you woke up early to put Dean’s gifts on the blancet on the floor so he could play with them when he’d wake up. You and Sam bought him a blancet he really loved and Cas brought him a ball that he also loved a lot. Sam helped him to choose the present.You and Sam only played with him for half an hour as you had to cook for lunch. When you were done all of you sat on the table having Dean on his feeding chair next to you. You ate and you enjoyed it a lot. You also made your first attempt to give Dean a piece of boiled potato. You smashed it first and he seemed to like it a lot. Cas left the next day after greeting you both and promising Dean to see him again soon. Dean gave him a smile. But as Cas opened the door and he was holding him in your arms Dean raised his little hand and waved. You and Sam looked at him excited and urged him to do it again. Dean waved at Cas again gigling. A huge smile formed on Cas’ face as Dean kept waving for a little longer. Your baby was growing up...

The next few days you spend them mostly at home with Dean. You did visit Jody too though who was delighted to see Dean and you two. A few days after going back home you went back to work. This time it wasn’t that easy as Dean had started crying a lot every time he saw you and Sam leaving and even mrs Wright couldn’t calm him down for some time. This broke your heart every time you had to leave. He felt better when you were leaving him with Sam or when he was leaving him with you. But when both of you were gone for work he was cryin a lot. So you started trying to spend a little more time with him before leaving for work. And since both you and Sam left for work with a few minute distance usually you both spend that time together with Dean. And that made him feel better when you left. But it was always great when you were getting back home and he was getting excited every time he was seeing you smiling at you widely and gigling when you were holding him. In the next couple of months Dean had started waving regularly and he was pointing to things occasionally. Mostly when he wanted to show you or Sam something. It was much easier for him to stand now and at some point with your encouragement he managed to take his first few steps. He couldn’t stand up for a long time. Maybe three or four steps before losing his balance but he’d be up trying again in no time. You and Sam spend a lot of time with him helping him to walk. He also loved it when you were helping him climp up the stairs. He had a look of determination in his eyes as he was trying to go up one more step. You were always next to him to make sure he wouldn’t fall. And when you were sitting on the floor playing with him on Saturday afternoon Dean could already cross the distance between you and Sam but he was excited every time he repeated it. Sam was sitting as Dean was playing with his toy next to him. Dean held his arm to support himself to stand. Sam helped him smiling at you. You were sitting in front of the couch watching them.

“ Go to mom...” Sam said giving him a small push to urge him to walk. Dean started walking clumpsily towards you with an expression full of determination and happiness. He reached you and you opened your arms to catch him as he lost his balance again.

“ That was so good, Dean...” You said with a smile and raised your head to share it with Sam who was looking at you smiling excited. He lied on his side watching you play with Dean. Dean sat in front of you and raised his head to smile at you. You hugged him and kissed the top of his head. Then you put your hands under his arms and helped him up again. He almost fell but you held him. “Wanna try to go to Dad?” you asked. Dean gigled in response bending his knees excited. “Go to Dad...” You said giving him a small push. Sam lifted himself so he’d be able to catch Dean if he fell. Dean walked to him more comfortably babbling excited. Once he reached him he sat next to him and Sam lied on his side again to be more comfortable. Dean reached with his hand and touched his face. Sam chuckled as Dean oppened his mouth and...

“ Dada...” He said. Sam looked at you instantly. You were both looking at each other frozen. Dean had said dada many times before. Mama was still hard for him. But every time he said it it was clear he had no idea what he was talking about. But this time he seemed to know that “dada” was Sam. You were looking at each other when Dean giggled... “ Dada...da...” He said again putting his hand on Sam’s eye smiling. Sam lifted himself carefully as you got up moving closer to him and Dean. A huge smile formed on his face and his eyes met yours. You smiled back at him excited too.Your heart flattering in your chest. Sam chuckled breathlessly. Dean crawled closer to him and hugged his knee. Sam leaned and lifted him in his arms. Dean rested his head tired on Sam’s shoulder. “ Dada...” He said in a tired voice. Your heart flattered in your chest again. Sam chuckled breathlessly once more and he looked at you excited. You leaned to press your lips on his. He moved his lips against yours in a firm kiss making your heart flatter once more. You both pulled back smiling. You leaned and kissed Dean’s head whose eyes looked tired now.

“ I think it’s time for bed...” You said in a low voice brushing Dean’s head.

“ Yeah...” Sam agreed in a low voice too. He got up to take Dean to his crib. He kissed Dean’s head as he was going up the stairs with a huge smile on his face still.

From that moment on Dean used “dada” to call Sam. And he would giggle excited saying “Dada” everytime Sam opened the door when he was back from work. That put a smile on Sam’s face every time. You wanted to hear him say “mama” too. But you unserstood that it was hard for him yet. He managed to walk even better and for longer distance though he still needed support to stand. He was also trying to climb up the stairs. He still needed your help but he was managing pretty well. His utterance was getting better though as you noticed one day he was playing on your bed. Yo were very tired that day so you were lying on the bed as Sam was playing with him. Sam was sitting on the bed and Dean was doing his best to stand on the mattress with his help. The mattress made him bounce giggling. After a while he got tired and he started crawling on the bed reaching for his toys that were all over. Sam was close to him following him to make sure he wouldn’t get close to the edge. Then Dean started moving close to you and Sam moved and sat next to you. He smiled to you as Dean was crawling excited towards you. You smiled back and lifted yourself to a sitting position. Dean reached you and fell on you to hug you...

“ Mama...” He said in a low and tired voice. But it was clear! You heard it! Your heart skiped a bit and then it started flattering in your chest! You looked at Sam who smiled to you widely giving you the confirmation that Dean really did say “mama” to you! You lifted him and he made himself more comfortable in your arms. “ Mama...” He said again. And your heart left a hard beat! Your eyes got wet and you kissed Dean’s head gently. He called you “mama”. It sounded so beautiful! Your heart melt. “ Mama...” He wispered tiredly against your neck. Your heart melted. A teardrop left your eye as you were smiling widely. You looked at Sam again. Your vision slightly blurry. He chuckled breathlessly... You held Dean tight until he fell asleep...Then Sam took him from your arms gently, careful not to wake him up. You gave Dean a small kiss on his head and Sam gave you a kiss on the lips before taking Dean to his crib. Then you both went to sleep but your heart was still flattering in your chest. Dean said “mama”... And you couldn’t wait to hear this sweat word again...!

Since then Dean was using the words “mama” and “dada” to call you or Sam making your heart melt again. He would also use them when you were entering a room or when you were coming back from work to call you close to him. Or whining when you were leaving for work. He was also pointing at you saying “mama” when Sam was holding him to show you to him. He did the same when you were holding him. He pointed at Sam saying “dada” to show him to you. Every time this happened you and Sam shared a huge smile. In a couple of months he was able to walk with more balance and he didn’t need much help to stand up anymore. Now he was walking around the house all the time. Following you or Sam around. He was still trying to climb up the stairs without much success and you were both trying to distract him with something else so that he wouldn’t get hurt. If you had time though you helped him do it as he enjoyed it a lot. Soon Dean could also eat a little bit of a cracker or cookie in adiition to his cream and formula milk. He had gradualy stopped breastfeeding about a month by the time of his birthday. You and Sam decided to have a party. His birthday was on Thursday so you decided to have the party on Saturday so everyone could come. You ivited mrs Feegs and mrs Wright, the sheriff and his wife and Matt and of course Cas and Jody. You had invited Danny too but as Mark told you he just had a chemo session and he didn’t feel like travelling. But he did sent you a gift for Dean. You decorated the house and you baked a cake together and wrote “Happy Birthday Dean” on it with frosting. The letters weren’t very good but anyone could make out what it was saying. You were both so excited! Jody and Cas arrived earlier to help. Cas played with Dean while you and Jody were preparing a few more foods while Sam was out to get a few drinks. A few minutes after he returned the guests started arriving one after another. Dean enjoyed all the attention he was getting. You and Cas were a bit distant. You prefered watching Dean enjoy his party than actively talk with everyone there. Cas was feeling a little out of the ordinary. Mostly he would play with Dean or talk to you. Jody was so excited. Speaking with everyone loudly,enjoying it. She and mrs Feegs had a great time together. Sam was all over the place talking with the guests, making sure Dean is fine, taking a few pictures. After everyone was there you decided you should blow the candles now so anyone who wanted to leave could go. So you took a sit in the middle of the couch with Dean in your arms. Jody on your right and mrs Feegs on the left. Cas was standing next to the couch watching. Sam lighted the only candle on the cake and then he stood in front of you to take a couple of pictures. You smiled to him. He smiled back to you as everyone started singing happy birthday. Of course Dean couldn’t blow the candle at the end of the song but you did it for him. You kissed his head as he was clapping excited and he moved uncomfortably to reach Sam who was moving close to you. Jody had already gotten up to help with the cake. And the others were heading to the food you had on the table. Dean hugged Dean’s leg saying “Dada”. Sam chuckled startled and leaned to lift Dean. He sat next to you and kissed Dean’s head.

“ Happy Birthday, Dean...” He said with a smile. Dean smiled back and reached for you. He hugged you and made himself comfortable in your arms.

“ Mama...” He said in a tired voice. He was already feeling sleepy.

“ Happy birthday, Dean...” You said and kissed his head too. Then you turned to Sam who leaned and kissed your lips for only a second before Jody called him for help from the kitchen. An hour later everyone had left. Even Cas and Jody. You offered them to stay but Cas said he was working on something and Jody had to work on a report. You thanked them for coming and Dean thanked them in his own way waving goodbye. And as Cas was leaving Dean spoke again pointing at him.

“Ta...” He said...You and Sam looked at each other confused. Dean was still babbling but that didn’t seem like the case.

“ Cas...” You said as Dean was pointing at Cas who turned around a few steps out of the door to see what was going on.

“Ta...” Dean said again with a little difficulty. He smiled and pointed at Cas again.

“I think he is trying to say Cas...” Sam said focused on Dean. It didn’t sound like “Cas” but it was hard for Dean to pronounce “c” and “s” just yet. He was doing his best. A smile formed on Cas’ lips and you could see he was feeling so flattered. He leaned and gave Dean a brief kiss on the head. But Dean didn’t say anything else. He was already very tired and put his head on on the crook of your neck whining. Letting you know he was ready for bed.

“ Mama...” He wispered and a few seconds later he was sleeping. You went upstairs and put him in his crib. Then both you and Sam cleaned up and when you were done you lied on the couch exhausted. He was holding you tight brushing your arm gently.

“ He’s growing up...” Sam said what you were both thinking. You smiled and felt your eyes getting wet.

“Our baby is one year old...” You said in a low voice and your heart flattered in your chest. Sam chuckled trying to wrap his mind around this. It seemed like yesterday when you walked in with him in your arms. And now he was walking and talking ( a little but still...). You and Sam were feeling so proud and so happy.

“ Yeah...” Sam said smiling breathlessly. You chuckled and made yourself more comfortable in his chest. He held you a little tighter pulling you closer. You raised your head and looked at him. He looked back at you smiling.The same eyes that looked at you every time Dean was looking at you. You moved towards him and pressed your lips on his in a tender kiss. You moved your hand to his neck brushing it gently. You pulled back for just a second and Sam pressed his lips on yours in a strong kiss. He pulled back slowly.

“ I love you...” He said with a smile.

“ I love you too...” You said smiling back at him. You kissed once more and then you both got up and went to your bed exhausted. You lied in each other’s arms hoping Dean wouldn’t get up too early in the morning so you could get some more sleep. It seemed to you like you had just closed your eyes when you heard Dean whining. You opened your eyes thinking it would be morning. But it was still dark outside. Sam moved struggling to wake up. You leaned and kissed his forehead. “ I’ll go...” You said and got off the bed in a hurry. Dean was sleeping the whole night for months now. If he was crying something must be wrong. And as you were heading to his room your heart sunk. What if Dean was in danger! Your heart started beating like a drum! No! He’d be fine! You tried to calm yourself down!You had a devil’s trap under the carpet and sigils behind the paintings! Your heart didn’t stop racing!You rushed in the room to find only Dean whining. You looked around for evidence that something happened that upset him. Everythin seemed fine. Your heart was leaving strong beats of relief. You moved close to him. “What is it, Dean?” You asked in a low comforting voice lifting him from his crib to hold him. He looked at you but his eyelids were heavy. He rested his head on the crook of your neck immediately like he couldn’t keep his eyes open but he was still whining. You put your hand on his head to brush it. He was unusually warm. You searched for the thermometer in the room. You kept it there. You didn’t have to use it yet. You found it in a drawer and you immediately took Dean’s temprtature who was still whining. 102F... Your heart started beating like a drum again. You moved to your room and still holding Dean in your arms. You brushed Sam’s arm trying to wake him up.

“ Sam...Dean is sick...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter on February 28... :-)


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second year and a little bit of the third...

“ Sam...Dean’s sick...” You said with a slight tremble in your voice. Dean had fever in the past but it was caused by his shots and the doctor told you you should expect that. And in those cases he was always alert and up for playing. Now his eyelids were heavy but he couldn’t sleep. He was still whining. His little hand on your chest. His little body trembling in your arms. He was feeling cold. Sam’s eyes opened fast and they met yours. He started getting up fast. His moves clumsy as he was still half asleep.

“ What’s wrong?” He asked you as he was getting up. His voice sounded gruff. You swallowed hard.

“ Dean has a fever...” You said and your voice was still trembling a little. Sam was next to you now. He brushed Dean’s head and looked at you worried. He saw the difference in Dean’s behavior too.

“ I’ll call the doctor...” He said. His voice still gruff. He was fully alert now. He moved to his nightstand and grabbed his phone. You moved and sat comfortably on the bed with Dean in your arms. You raised the covers to cover him as he was shivering in your arms. He was still whining. You kissed his head to calm him down. His little hand still on your chest showing you that he trusted you. And that he needed you... Your heart was beating fast... You kissed Dean’s head again and looked at Sam who was already talking to the doctor. He came to sit next to you describing Dean’s symptoms. He hung up thanking the doctor. He turned to you and told you what the doctor said. What to give Dean to lower his temprature and give him a bath if necessary. He also said to wait about 24 hours and if he still wasn’t feeling well you should bring him to him. He also reassured Sam that Dean would be fine which calmed you down too. After telling you this Sam moved closer and brushed Dean’s head again. Dean lifted his head and turned to look at him.

“ Dada...” He said weakly reaching for Sam with his little hand. You smiled as Sam opened his arms so you could pass Dean to him. Dean placed his head on the crook of Sam’s neck still shivering.

“ I’ll get his medicine...” You said getting up.

“ Ok...” Sam said getting comfortable in the bed covering Dean with your blankets. You moved straight to the kitchen to the cupboard you had all the medicines in. You had medicines for Dean there too just in case, so you didn’t have to run to a drug store. You went upstairs with the medicine and the syringe to give the medicine to Dean. He was half asleep when you put the syringe to his little mouth but he swallowed with no difficulty. You lied on the bed next to him and Sam. He turned his head to look at you realising that you were lying next to him.

“ Mama...” He said half asleep again. You kissed his head.

“ I’m here...” You wispered. You reached with your hand and brushed his back as Sam was holding him. You were both watching him relax and falling asleep. But you and Sam couldn’t sleep. You could feel your eyes burn with exhaustion and you could see Sam’s eyes closing for a few moments before opening them again but you wouldn’t sleep. You wanted to be sure that Dean was feeling better...

“ He stopped trembling...” Sam wispered about an hour later.

“ Yes...” You wispered too giving Sam a smile. You could feel him breathing steadily under your hand that was still brushing his back. You moved it to his forehead. His temprature seemed fine. “ I think his fever’s down...” You wispered again and moved to get the thermometer from your nightstand as Sam was putting Dean on the bed careful not to wake him up. His little head lying on Sam’s pillow. You helped Sam cover him and then you used the thermometer to take his temprature and be sure that he didn’t have a fever anymore. Indeed his temprature was normal now. You smiled to Sam and he smiled back to you... You didn’t move Dean to his bed. He would sleep with you tonight so you could keep an eye on him. You and Sam shared a tired but tender kiss and you both lied on the bed next to Dean. Both of you with one hand brushing Dean’s back as he was lying on his belly. Dean left a sound of content in his sleep. You and Sam shared another tired smile as your son was enjoying your affection and you both started falling asleep. You didn’t get to sleep for more than an hour as you felt Dean shivering again. You felt your heart tighten in your chest. You opened your eyes to see Dean trembling in his sleep. You kissed his forehead. He was very warm again. You reached for the thermometer in your nightstand as Sam was waking up too. You shared a worried look. Sam helped you take Dean’s temprature again. He had a fever. You couldn’t give him more medicine for another two hours. You had to give him a bath.

“ I’ll prepare his bath...” Sam said to you as he was getting off the bed in a hurry. You nodded and turned to Dean.

“ Dean...Baby...Wake up...” You said brushing his back gently to wake him up. When he finally woke up his eyelids where still heavy and he was whining. You helped him remove his clothes which made him feel even colder and he just hugged you tightly to feel warmer in your arms. You kissed his head to soothe him and spoke a little louder so Sam could hear you. “ Sam, Is the bath ready?” You asked. The water stopped running and you heard Sam’s voice from the bathroom.

“ Yes...” He said and you took Dean to the bathroom. Sam was sitting at the edge of the bathtub checking the water. Making sure it wasn’t too hot or too cold. You put Dean in the water. He started crying immediately. The water felt too cold for him now that he had a fever. Sam tried to distract him with one of his toys and it worked for a few minutes. You were gently pouring small amounts of water on his head. He started crying again and your heart tightened in your chest once more.

“ It will be over soon...” You said and kissed his head again to soothe him. You kept him in the bathtub a little longer as Sam was getting Dean’s towel. He wrapped him in the towel when you pulled him out of the bathtub. Dean was still whining loudly.

“ It’s ok...” Sam said and kissed Dean’s head too to soothe him. You dressed him up again and he felt more comfortable. His temprature was significantly lower now too. Sam lied back on the bed with Dean in his arms. You went back in the bathroom to mop the water Dean had poured all over and change your wet clothes. When you returned to bed both Sam and Dean where asleep. Dean had his little arms around Sam’s neck as Sam was holding him tight. You smiled to this sight and lied on the bed too close to them. You kissed Dean’s head. His hair was still a little wet. You pulled back and brushed Sam’s hair gently before lying comfortably on the bed again and fell asleep.

Dean woke up before both you and Sam in the morning. He tried to walk on the mattress but he couldn’t. He crawled close to you and hugged you.

“ Mama...” He said gigling pushing your arm a bit to wake you up. You heard his voice like it was coming from somewhere far away. The fact that he was gigling calmed you down. If he was gigling he was feeling well. You felt him crawl towards Sam.

“ Dada...” You heard him saying as you were trying to wake up. You were feeling so tired. You felt Sam strech on the bed.

“ Hey,buddy...” He said to Dean. His voice sounded a little gruff as he was waking up. Dean rushed to speak again.

“ Toto...” He said. You were still trying to wake up but your ears caught that. You opened your eyes still lost in your sleep. Everything was blurry. But you could see Sam’s silhouette. He was already up with Dean in his arms. “ Toto...” Dean said again pointing at the door. You closed your eyes again still half asleep.

“ Our baby likes rock music...” You said proudly with a smile not really thinking. Sam chuckled and moved to sit next to you. You opened your eyes again. Your vision started to clear as you were waking up...

“ I’m pretty sure he was asking for his toy...” Sam told you chuckling as you were brushing your eyes. You opened them again and looked at both of them clearly.

“ You’re right...” You said and you started laughing as you were feeling more alert now and you started realising that there was no way Dean meant Toto the rock band. You stretched and leaned to press your lips on Sam’s. He moved his against yours in a brief but gentle kiss. You smiled to each other and you reached for the thermometer in your nightstand. You passed it to Sam who started taking Dean’s temprature. He had no fever. You and Sam shared a smile of relief. Dean was still asking for his toy. Sam helped Dean go down the stairs to the living room to find it. You got dressed and joined them in the living room. You made breakfast for all of you and you decided to spend the day at home since Dean was sick but you were so relieved he was better. At least until afternoon when he had a fever again. He stopped playing with his toys and climbed on the couch. He was sitting quietly and you thought he was tired and that he’d fall asleep but when you checked his temprature you realised he had a fever again. You gave him his medicine and he started feeling better. He slept on the couch and Sam took him to your bed so you could keep an eye on him during the night. And you were right to do so cause during the night his temprature was high again and you gave him his medicine again. He slpet well for the rest of the night while you and Sam were checking on him every now and then. But in the morning before you and Sam would leave for work he started whining again as his temprature started rising. Mrs Wright wasn’t there yet. So you called mrs Feegs to take the day off and then mrs Wright to tell her that Dean was sick and that you’d stay home. Sam didn’t feel good leaving but they were working in a very important case and he couldn’t take the day off. So he settled with you calling him to tell him how Dean was doing. You called the doctor too and made an appointment for the same afternoon. When Sam came back you took Dean to the doctor together. You were relieved when he told you it was just a virus and that Dean would be better in a day or two. He told you to call him if that wasn’t the case but he was very reassuring that Dean would get better in about 48 hours. He also warned you that you could get sick too but there weren’t many things you could do to avoid it. You had to take care of Dean and that meant that you probably wouldn’t avoid getting sick too. You agreed you didn’t want to call Cas. Every child gets sick at some point. You’d only call him if something serious was going on. Your heart skipped a beat when you thought about that. But you shook the thought away. When you arrived back home Dean was very active and since both you and Sam had time and energy you sat on the carpet to play with him. Sam started getting tired though and you saw him get up. You assumed he would go to the couch to relax but he went to take his jacket. You looked at him confused as he came back and put on his jacket. Dean was playing with his music book. You noticed Sam’s eyelids were heavy. You got up and moved close to him. You run your hands through his hair and rested them to his neck. He offered you a tired smile. You moved and pressed your lips on his. He lips were warmer than usual. He moved them to respond to your kiss but you pulled back and put one hand on his forehead gently. He closed his eyes looking exhausted. He was warmer than usual.

“ Sam, you have a fever...” You said. He opened his eyes and looked at you tired. It took him a little to realise what was going on. He wasn’t thinking clearly. You searched for the thermometer. “Sam, bed! Now!...” You said determined.

“ No...I’m good...” He said brushing his eye with his palm. You moved close to him and handed him the thermometer. You pressed your lips on his briefly in a gentle kiss.

“ Bed...Now...” You said in a gentle tone. “ I’ll come check on you in a minute...” You said. Sam nodded and started going up the stairs while you turned to Dean. But Dean wasn’t playing any more. He was climbing on the couch again and his eyelids were heavy. You moved close to him and kissed his forehead. “ You have a fever too...” You said and kissed his head. You lifted him up and took him back to your room. Sam was lying there almost asleep trembling. You put Dean on the bed next to him and Dean moved close to him as Sam reached to hug him.

“ He has a fever again?...” Sam asked you with a low gruff voice.

“Yes...” You said moving to Sam’s nightstand to check the thermometer. Sam reached for it and you handed it to him so you could bring both Dean’s and his medicine. You barely slept that night. You checked both Dean and Sam every now and then. At some point they both had a fever again. You gave them both their medicine and they slept well for the rest of the night. In the morning you wanted to take the day off again so you could take care of them. But Sam insisted they’d be fine so you only called the sheriff to tell him that Sam couldn’t go to work. You kissed them both goodbye and left for work. A school visit was sceduled that day so you came back in the afternoon. Sam had called you during the day to tell you that Dean had a fever but not high like the previous times. He had a fever twice till you came back. When you opened the door you found them both sleeping on the couch. Dean was lying on Sam’s chest. His little arms around his Dad’s neck. And Sam’s arms around Dean protectively. You smiled to the sight and went upstairs to bring them a blanket. You didn’t want to wake them up. So you carefully covered them with the blanket. But Sam woke up as you were doing that. He smiled to you and reached for your lips. It was a firm kiss. He was feeling better. He told you there was food in the kitchen and he took Dean upstairs to your bed. You joined them after eating dinner. You and Sam kissed goodnight and hugged Dean before falling asleep. The next day Dean was great. He had no fever and he was very active. He slept with you once more just to be sure. Sam was also better and the day after that he had completely recovered. But you started feeling exhausted when you came back from work that day. You were very tired those days. You had to take care of both Sam and Dean and you barely had any sleep. But now you were feeling a little worse. You and Sam went to sleep after putting Dean to sleep and you fell asleep immediately. In the middle of the night you started feeling very cold. You could feel that something wasn’t right but you were too tired to wake up. You could feel Sam’s arms around you. At some point you felt them brushing your back but you weren’t sure. You couldn’t understand if you were dreaming or not. Your head ached. You weren’t feeling your arms or your legs. You were shivering...

“ (Y/N)...” You heard Sam’s voice from far away. “( Y/N), wake up...” He said. Why? You were so tired. Was it morning yet? You saw yourself getting up and getting dressed and going to work. It was so cold. Both inside and outside. Dean would be so cold. It souldn’t be that cold in here. “( Y/N)! Wake up...You have a fever!” Sam’s voice reached you gruff. He sounded worried. You didn’t have a fever you were getting dressed to go to work. But were was he? The room around you was blury but you couldn’t find him. “Sam?” You asked but you felt no voice leaving your lips. You were still shivering. You felt Sam’s arms around you. Lifting you from somewhere. You weren’t in your room any more. You were outside in the middle of the night. And it was cold. Colder than before. You felt good in Sam’s arms but you were cold! So cold! “Mama...” You saw Dean calling you from the door smiling. You smiled back. You felt Sam kiss your head and you were slowly getting in a lake. You didn’t want to... You felt a thousand times colder now. It was bothering you! You started crying.

“ Come on...wake up...wake up...” You heard Sam’s worried voice and you felt his hand pouring cold water on you. You were crying but you felt the muscles on your face being steady. You felt even colder. But now you started feeling your feet and your hands. You realised you were steady. Somewhere cold. You felt like you were coming back from somewhere far away. “ Come on...wake up...” You heard Sam’s voice again. Worried. You were in water. You opened your mouth and took a breath. And then you slowly opened your eyes. You were so cold. You looked around. You were in the bathtub with your clothes on. “(Y/N)?” Sam asked as you opened your eyes.You looked at him and offered him a small smile. Everything started to make sure now. You had a fever. The combination of hight temprature and exhaustion made you fall into deep sleep and you couldn’t wake up. Sam must have carried you to the bathtub so the water could lower your temprature... You were trembling. Sam took a deep breath relieved you opened your eyes. Your thoughts started getting clearer. Sam was taking deep but calm breaths trying to relax. He got so scared... You sat on the bathtub and reached for his hand that was brushing your shoulder. Your head ached so bad but you were alert now. “ How are you feeling?” He asked still worried.

“ My head hurts... But I’m fine...” You said and raised your head to look at him. You closed your eyes for a few seconds and you opened them again taking a deep and trembling breath. You were still shivering. The water still seemed so cold to you. Sam wrapped his arms around you and helped you out. Then he helped you change your clothes. He was more relaxed now. You were tired but you were awake and alert enough to talk to him. When you lied back in bed and Sam helped you with the thermometer you saw that your temprature had dropped. Sam waited till you fell asleep and then he lied next to you again and took some sleep too. Checking on you every now and then. But you didn’t have any fever the whole night. You were still feeling tired the day that followed but soon you started feeling better again.

Dean was very well too. He was very alert and he had a lot of energy. He was playing running around the house and in the months that followed it was hard for you and Sam to keep up with him. But you were both proud to see that he was growing up. He had his first haircut and he started saying a few more words. He put a huge smile on Cas’ face when he visited you again. When you opened the door Dean run towards him saying “ Cas...” You were as surprised as Cas was cause this was the first time you actually heard Dean say Cas’ name right. You knew he was making progress though. And a few days later Sam gave him the phone to speak to Jody. Jody asked Dean who she was not really expecting a right answer but Dean smiled and said “ Yody...”. You and Sam shared a huge smile and you heard Jody over the phone. “ Oh my God! He said Jody...” Dean gigled proudly and Sam took the phone back with a smile. Soon Dean could pronounce a number of words and he was doing great in others. Around that time you and Sam also tried to teach him how to use a spoon. Dean considered it a toy at first. So your first attempts ended with your clothes straight for washing. He started getting the hang of it eventually. You and Sam were getting very tired at this point as Dean had so much energy even after a whole day of playing.He was walking around the house exploring anything that could be explored. You were letting him explore but you were always close to him to make sure he was safe. Other times he prefered to sit on the floor and play with his toys or draw a little. But he would get up and come to you and Sam for a reassuring hug and a reassuring smile that melt your heart and he’d return to his toys. And he made your heart flatter one day that you and Sam were relaxing on the couch watching him play. You were both very tired from work that day and you were happy that Dean didn’t feel like running around the house this afternoon. Sam was holding you in his arms brushing your back and you were moving your hand gently on his chest. Dean would turn his head to smile at you once in a while making you smile back at him excited. At some point he got up holding the piece of paper you gave him to draw. It took him a while to accept paper as a drawing surface. The walls seemed more appealing to him at first. He climbed on the couch and squeezed between you and Sam. You made some space to hug him but he got up again and he stretched his hand handing you and Sam his crumpled paper.

“ For you...” He said with a smile. Your heart melt. You took the drawing from Dean’s little hands and he lied between you and Sam again. You shared a huge smile as you could feel your heart flattering in your chest. Your baby had just put two words together in a phrase for the first time. And he just gave you a gift! He showed you in his own way that he loved you! You both thanked him kissing his head. He smiled to both of you proud and then he curled up in your chest. His eyelids heavy. You brushed his hair and kissed his head. You lifted your head as you felt Dean falling asleep in your arms. Sam looked at you smiling and you smiled back to him. He got up and kissed your lips briefly before reaching for Dean.

“ Come on, buddy...It’s time to go to bed...” He said and lifted Dean who put his little arms around Sam’s neck resting his head on his shoulder. You got up to and brushed Dean’s back gently wishing him goodnight. Sam pressed his lips on yours in a strong but brief kiss and head up the stairs with Dean in his arms. You didn’t have a problem putting him to sleep. He whined a little sometimes but he was always excited to go to sleep so you or Sam would read to him. He also started sleeping on his bed at that point. He felt really comfortable there so the transition from his crib to his bed wasn’t difficult for him. Sometimes you and Sam would stand at the door a little to look at him sleeping. Breathing peacefully. You’d share a smile so proud of your little baby... By christmas he could say “ I want...” pointing at something and he could walk up the stairs stepping on every stair with both feet before moving to the next one. He was still very amazed by the tree lights. Now that he was older he could help you decorate the tree. You and Sam showed him how to put on Christmas balls on the lower brunches of the tree. You also lifted him up to help him put some in higher brunches. He liked to sit on the couch every morning drinking his milk watching the lights switch patterns. Now that he was older you and Sam decided you could spend Christmas at Jody’s along with Cas. Now that the streets were decorated with lights and other stuff Dean enjoyed the ride more than usual.

“ Mama...Dada...look” He said pointing at something eager to show it to you and Sam. He was very happy to see both Jody and Cas. And when you returned he cried for a whole day when you had to store the decorations again. When you and Sam started removing the balls from your christmas tree he took them from the boxes and tried to put them back on the tree. He started crying when you stopped him and told him not to do it. You sat on the couch with him and kissed his head trying to soothe him. You tried to explain to him that you would decorate again next year. He was feeling better but he was grumpy. Sam moved close to you and kneeled in front of you so he and Dean would have the same height and spoke to him.

“ Dean... Do you want to help me put the balls in the boxes?...I can’t do it alone...” He asked brushing Dean’s hair. Dean nodded still grumpy. You got up to help too. You and Sam shared a kiss and you started putting the balls in the boxes. Soon Dean started enjoying that a lot. Taking the balls from the tree and putting them in the boxes. When Sam tried to help him he giggled and said “ I do it...”. Sam let him do it himself and he looked at you smiling widely. You were smiling back at him. Both of you excited that your baby was growing up and he wanted to do stuff on his own...

A few days after Christmas you had to leave him with Jody so you and Sam could visit Danny. You were speaking with him on the phone at least once a weak since he started chemo and a few days before Christmas he told you he would undergo surgery two days after the Christmas break. So you went to see him. He was exhausted but he was very happy. He had every right to be! The surgery had gone very well! Mark was always by his side. You stayed there for a few days and then went back home. In the months that followed Danny was very excited as he was doing better and that put a smile on your faces too. And he was very excited when Dean pronounced his name correctly on the phone. Dean had started using even more words. And by the time of his birthday he was speaking with small sentences. This time you cellebrated his birthday two weeks after the actual date cause he had a cold and you wanted him to enjoy his party. And he did. He was talking a lot, playing a lot, laughing a lot... This time you had two cakes prepared. You weren’t celebrating only Dean’s birthday. You were also celebrating that Danny was six months cancer free! It was a surprise for him. You didn’t tell him about it when you invited him to Dean’s birthday party. After the party Jody and Cas stayed behind for another hour to help youclean up. Dean still had a lot of energy. He hugged your leg and looked up at you with his beautiful eyes. His father’s eyes.

“ Mom...I help...” He said to you asking you to let him help. You smiled to him and agreed. Sam gave him small and light things like spoons to carry to the kitchen and bring them to you. And you couldn’t help but smile as he was entering the kitchen with a proud smile on his face. So excited and delighted that he was helping. He was giving you the spoons then he hugged your legs and run out fast yelling. “ Daaad...” so that Sam would give him another one to bring to you. After you had cleaned up Jody and Cas left. Jody had to work the next day and Cas went back with her so he could spend some more time with Claire. You and Sam lied on the couch and Dean lied between you hugging you both. You hugged him back and he got comfortable in both your arms.

“ I love you...” He murmured... Your heart left a hard beat and then it started flattering. Your eyes got wet and you turned your head and looked at Sam who was looking at you surprised. His jaw slightly dropped. And then a huge smile formed on his face...You smiled back at him widely... You looked in each other’s eyes sharing the same excitement and surprise and amazment and love... Your baby just told you that he loved you! Your heart melted and you smiled at Dean!You leaned and kissed his head in a kiss full of love as Sam was brushing his back gently. But Dean was already asleep... His breaths steady... Sam chuckled breathlessly and quietly and kissed Dean’s head too. Then you smiled at each other sharing the same unconditional love for your baby... You moved him to his bed careful not to wake him up and you moved to yours...

You heard those three words many times in the next few months. Sometimes Dean said he loved you. Sometimes that he loved Sam. And sometimes he referred to both of you. Every time it melt your heart no matter who he was referring at. Soon he started using more words and his speech became clearer. You and Sam were very excited when he finally called Jody “Jody” instead of “Yody”. He still couldn’t use “r” very well but it was a matter of time. Around that time you also felt that Dean was ready to be potty trained. He didn’t like the idea at first. But after a lot of encouragement from you and Sam he started using his potty. At first he needed regular reminders but soon he started using it on his own without you having to tell him... He also still had so much energy! And it was still hard for you and Sam to keep up! Now he was even going up the stairs relatively easily making it harder for you to keep up with him... You also spent a lot of time with him in the park or the playground. He had already made a couple of friends there. And they liked playing together. Of course you and Sam checked the parents for anything unusual. But nothing came up. So you let Dean have a great time with his friends.. You also arranged play dates for him. You prefered it if the other kids were visiting your home instead of Dean visiting theirs. You still had in mind that somone could target your child. And your home was full of devil’s traps and sigils. Nothing could hurt Dean or the other kids. And of course you and Sam would be there to deal with anything unusual... Around this time you also bought Dean his first bicycle or rather tricycle. He was very excited when he first saw it and he was even more excited to learn how to ride it. Sam taught him and Dean’s face was so bright when he finally made it. He was smiling so widely... You and Sam just couldn’t stop staring at him... He also had his first minor accident with his trycicle. He fell and scratched his knee enough to bleed. He was crying for a couple of hours but not because he was in pain. His fall scared him. The next day he didn’t really want to ride his trycicle again. But you and Sam reassured him that he’d be fine. So hesitantly at first he climbed up and started riding and soon he was laughing loudly enjoying himself. He also enjoyed exploring anything around him running away from you to check the bug on the tree in front of you or what was behind that huge ( to him) bush. Usually one of you would follow telling him not to run too far from you. He also started getting scared of “monsters” in his closet. The first time he told you that you and Sam looked at each other worried a little. You knew it could be just the typical fear of this age or it could be something you had to worry about. You sat with Dean to explain him that nothing would hurt him while Sam moved to the trunk and got his gun discreetly and went upstairs to check the closet. When he came down he gave you the “ all clear” look and you took a deep breath relieved turning back to smile to Dean and reassure him once more that nothing would hurt him...

With the beginning of the next school year it was time for Dean to go to preschool! You and Sam checked every possible place to send Dean and you agreed in the one one of his friends already attended ( he was a year older than Dean). Again you checked everything. The teachers, the parents you often saw there. And everything was fine again. The first day Dean had to go to school he didn’t really like it. He stalled as much as he could. He was really grumpy when he left for school but the woman that got him to the school bus was very kind and Dean felt a little more comfortable with her. You on the other hand you didn’t like it. You didn’t show it to Dean but you felt your heart tighten a little the first few mornings he was going away. Sam noticed that from the first moment. He moved close to you and gave you a reassuring hug. After a few days you got used to this. You still missed him but you were so happy when you returned home waiting for him. And he always came back running straight to your arms ready to tell you everything about his day. Show you everything he made. Everything he did. Then straight to the bathroom to wash his hands and use the toilet. After he successfully learned how to use his potty you thought it would be hard for him to use the toilet. But to your surprise he took it pretty well and soon he was using the toilet instead of his potty. He still needed some help to wash his hands though since the sink was very high for him to reach yet...So after that he sit with you and Sam for lunch. Perfectly using a spoon now! And then he’d ask excited what book you brought for him from the library this time. He always wanted you to read him the book after lunch before taking a nap. Sam kissed your lips telling you with a smile that Dean took his love for books from you. And you couldn’t help but smile back and give him one more kiss before going up the stairs with Dean talking excited about today’s book. Now that he was older it was easier for you and Sam to leave him a few days with Jody to spend some time alone. Enjoy each other...Have the whole place to yourselves...And get some rest too... But you always called him at the time he was supposed to go to bed to wish him goodnight. Sometimes he called first... Usually ending the call with that sweet “ I love you ,mom” and “ I love you, dad” and both you and Sam would tell him you loved him too...

With Christmas approaching Dean started preparing for the little play he’d participate in with his classmates. He was excited and he learned by heart his little poem very fast. He always came back home proud with how rehearsals went. As the weather was getting colder too there was the occasional thunderstorm. And Dean was scared of thunder especially during the night. So he’d get off his bed and head to your room. You and Sam were sleeping. You were lying on his chest and he had his arms wrapped around you. You both heard a small knock on the door. You didn’t get to answer and the door opened. You lifted your head to see Dean approaching your bed.

“ Mom, Dad...Can I sleep here?” He asked with a trembling voice already climbing on your bed. You moved to make room for him. Dean lied between you and Sam.

“ What is it ,buddy?” Sam asked him calmly his eyelids still heavy just like yours.

“ I’m scared...” Dean said with the same voice without looking at you and Sam. You and Sam shared a worried look for a moment. What scared Dean? Maybe it was the monsters. But he was over that fear... You thought about it for a second having in mind that he was safe in his room and you smiled to Sam. He looked at you confused a bit and you looked at the window briefly to signal him that it was the storm and the thunder that probably scared him. Sam looked briefly at the window and understood what you meant.

“ Dean...” You said brushing his hair gently. “ Are you scared of the storm outside?” You asked. Dean nodded without looking at you and Sam. You shared a small smile and lied back next to Dean hugging him. Sam started explain him that he had nothing to be scared of. He explained him a little about how storms work and Dean started feeling a little more comfortable. But he was still scared so you let him sleep with you. You helped him under the covers and you and Sam leaned for a brief kiss wishing each other goodnight. Then you kissed Dean’s head and hugged him. He started falling asleep immediately feeling safe with you around him. You and Sam shared another smile before falling asleep. The next day it was Dean’s play. Dean only had to go to school in the afternoon for the play but you and Sam had to go to work. So you let Dean sleep until Mrs Wright came to stay with him. Sam was in a bad mood because he had a lot of work that day and he wasn’t sure if he’d make it in time for the play.

“ It’s ok...I’ll take him and you can come straight from work...” You said to him as you were both getting your jackets on to go. It was still raining a little outside.

“ Yeah...” He said exhaling deeply. He turned to you and pressed his lips on yours in a firm kiss. You put your hands on his neck and moved your lips against his. You both pulled back smiling.

“ I love you...” Sam said in a low voice.

“ I love you too...” You said brushing his neck gently. He kissed your lips briefly once more and wished you goodbye. A few seconds later you left for work too. In the afternoon you got Dean ready and went straight to school. You were with Dean waiting for the play to begin. A few minutes before the play started Sam run in where you were waiting with Dean along with other kids and their parents.

“ Hey...” He said kneeling in front of Dean next to you. Dean just looked at you and Sam. He was quiet since you left home. Sam looked at you for an explanation. You explained to him that Dean just had stage fright. So Sam kissed his head and spoke again. “Dean...You’ll be great!... And we’ll be right there...” He said smiling. You nodded agreeing. Dean smiled hesitantly to both of you. And you smiled back at him encouragingly. The teacher called for them to take positions on stage so you and Sam would have to go. Dean hugged you both briefly and run with the other kids. You and Sam took your sits with the audience. When Dean started saying his poem at first he had his head down and then he looked at the audience and he saw you and Sam smiling at him. He smiled widely and continued saying his poem. You felt your heart melt and your eyes got wet. When he was done you turned to look at Sam who was looking at Dean with a wide smile on his face. Dean was very proud with himslef. And he said the poem to everyone else when you were at Jody’s for Christmas along with Cas. He also said it to Danny when you went to visit him during the Christmas break. And he continued to say it at home. He was standing in front of the tree to say it again and again to you and Sam. And then he would sit on the couch again watching the lights. He didn’t like it when you had to store the Christmas decorations again but like last year he enjoyed helping with it. Before sitting on the couch again to watch T.V. He wasn’t that eager to go to school after the holidays. He loved spending more time with you and Sam as much as you loved spending more time with him. So it took you a lot of time to get him dressed for school the first day. He run out of his room a couple of times calling for you and Sam ( who was in the kitchen making breakfast) to catch him. Eventually he got ready for school he kissed you and Sam goodbye and he was on the school bus on time. And when he came back he run straight to your arms and then to Sam ( who was back from work too ) ready to tell you all about his day. Just like he did everytime. Most of the times he had a drawing to show you as well. Now he could draw perfect circles and though they didn’t mean much to him they meant a lot to you and Sam so you kept them in your room in the drawer you kept your photos. He lost a few days of school though cause he had a cold coughing for a week. And then a few weeks later he had a cold again. He had no fever but the cough and the runny nose made it difficult for him to breathe. But he would recover in no time. Cas managed to visit around that time and both you and Sam and Dean were very happy to see him. He and Dean spend a lot of time watching cartoons together exchanging opinions making you and Sam chuckle. Cas stayed for a week and Dean was very happy since he missed him a lot. He was grumpy when Cas had to leave but he felt better playing with his friends the same afternoon. And of course all of them were invited to his birthday party a few weeks later. This time your home has never been more crouded. Mrs Feegs , the sheriff, Dean’s friends and their parents, Danny and Mark and of course Cas and Jody were there. Jody arrived earlier to help you prepare the food. And you needed a lot of food. And then getting Dean ready who was very excited waiting for his friends. When everyone arrived the place was a mess! You and Sam sat in the living room with your guests occasionally taking a trip to the kitchen to bring them something. And taking turns running behind the kids who were running around the house playing with every toy they had making a lot of noise. But you and Sam didn’t mind one bit. Yes it was tiring for both of you. But Dean was running around with a huge smile on his face. But every now and then he searched for you and Sam to give you a hug and then he’d return to his game. He sat on your lap when it was time to blow the candles. He didn’t make it with the first try but he smiled to you and Sam when he blew them. He ate a slice of cake and he wanted another one but You and Sam said no and promised he’d have another one tomorrow. After all the guests left Jody stayed back again to help you clean up. And you needed a lot of help. The place was a mess! But the smile on Dean’s face was worth it. You and Sam took turns cleaning. One of you would sit with Dean who was opening his presents and one of you would clean. You and Sam bought him a book which Dean loved instantly. He run in the kitchen were you helped Jody clean the dishes with the book in his hands. It was time for him to get to sleep.

“ Mom...Will you read it to me...?” He asked you.

“ Not tonight, Dean... We have to clean up...” You said calmly.

“ Mooom...pleaaase...” Dean said hugging your legs. Sam had walked in behind him and he was standing next to you now.

“ You go...I’ll take care of this...”He said giving you a small smile pointing at the dirty dishes in the sink with his head.

“ Ok...” You said smiling at Dean who smiled back at you widely. Sam kneeled to pick up Dean and kissed his head.

“ Goodnight, buddy...” He said.

“ Goodnight, Dad...” Dean said hugging Sam. “ I love you...” He murmured tiredly.

“ I love you too...” Sam said putting him down. You and Sam shared a gentle kiss and you headed upstairs with Dean. You lied next to Dean on his bed and you started reading the book. Two pages into the book and Dean was already asleep. You closed it and put it on his nightstand. You leaned and kissed his head and wispered goodnight and then Dean wispered too.

“ I love you, mom...” His voice lost in his sleep. You smiled widely and wispered back.

“ I love you too, baby...” You kissed his head once more and you went back downstairs just in time to wish Jody goodbye. The house wasn’t completely clean yet but it was cleaner. You and Sam would do the rest tomorrow. So you just headed to your room. You lied on the bed. Sam exhaled deeply as he lied down. You lied on the bed too resting your head on his chest as he wrapped his arms around you holding you tight. You run circles with your thumb on his chest as his hand was brushing your back.

“ Sam...?” You said.

“ Yeah...” Sam said waiting for you to speak. You moved your hand across his chest to his neck and brushed his hair. Your heart flattering in your chest.

“ Are you tired?” You asked. Sam recognised the tone of your voice.

“ Not **that** tired...” He answered chuckling. You lifted your head to look at him with a smile. He smiled back at you and pressed his lips on yours in a strong kiss. You moved yours passionately on his. You pulled back smiling at him.

“ I love you...” You said in a low voice.

“ I love you too...” Sam said smiling in a low voice too before pressing his lips on yours and you both got lost in the kiss...

During the next few days Dean was talking about his party a lot and he kept asking you when could he invite his friends over again. You and Sam had a lot of work to do these weeks and it was hard for you to invite someone over. You did take Dean to the park and the playground though. And eventually you did get the time to invite his friends over again. Dean was very excited and he enjoyed it a lot but he got all sweaty and he cought a cold again and though his nose wasn’t running for more than a few days he continued to cough for a while after that. It seemed to be getting better though and it wasn’t bad enough for him to miss school. But he coughed a lot during the night so you were giving him medication for his cough. He didn’t really like the taste though so you or Sam had to convince him to take it. Trying all shorts of things and Dean finally opened his mouth when Sam lifted the spoon and decided to pretend it was an airplane carrying...

“... precious cargo for your mouth only...” Sam said waving the spoon in the air as much as he could without spilling the syrup on the floor. You were washing the dishes after you all had dinner staring at Sam with a smile. Dean was looking at Sam stubbornly with his hands crossed across his chest. His mouth closed. “ Dean, if you don’t open your mouth the plane will crash...” Sam said taking the spoon closer to Dean’s mouth. He opened it and swallowed the medicine making a grimace of pure disgust. Sam exhaled tiredly relieved that Dean took his medicine. You moved close to Dean and brought him a glass of water.

“ There you go,baby...” You said and kissed his head as Sam was getting up to bring Dean one of the cupcakes he bought that morning to take the bad taste away. Dean drunk the water and took the cupcake from Sam’s hand excited. After he ate it he started brushing his eyes with his little fists.

“ Ok, buddy...Time for bed...” Sam said and moved close to Dean to lift him up. Dean got comfortable in his arms resting his head on Sam’s shoulder. Sam brought him close to you.

“ Goodnight, Dean...” You said in a low voice kissing his head.

“ Goodnight, mom...” He wispered tiredly. You and Sam shared a smile and Sam started walking out with Dean as he was asking him which book he wanted him to read tonight. When you were done with the dishes and you started going up the stairs Sam was getting out of Dean’s room.

“ He fell asleep almost immediately...” He said to you with a smile in a low voice. You smiled back at him and kissed his lips. You both headed to bed too and you fell asleep in each other’s arms almost immediately as well. You both got very tired that day... You felt like the mattress swallowed you and falling asleep felt so good... Your whole body resting. Sam’s deep breaths calming you down. You brushing his chest with your thumb calming him down... Soon you lost the world around you...It felt like you had just fallen asleep when you heard small footsteps on the hallway. You were still basically asleep but you realised this was Dean. Probably something must have scared him. Maybe he had a nightmare and he was heading to your room to sleep with you and Sam. You heard your door opening slowly and you heard Dean coughing. You were just beginning to wake up...

“ Mom...Dad...” You heard Dean’s terrified voice and then a sound that made your eyes open in an instant and your heart skip a beat. He was struggling to breath! Your heart was racing with fear. You could hear it in your ears. You lifted yourself up with fast moves and you saw your baby holding his chest. He looked at you with tears in his eyes as you were throwing the covers off as fast as you possibly could to get to him. Your heartbeat rising!

“ I can’t breathe...” He said as he was struggling to take another breath...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be posted on March 13... :-)


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Third year...

“ I can’t breathe...”

You stood up and went close to Dean as fast as possible.

“ Sam!” You said loudly to wake him up. Your voice trembling. Your hands trembling...Sam got up hearing your voice and recognised the terrified tone. He jumped off the bed in panic searching for his gun (hidden under the second drawer of his nightstand...) when he noticed you brushing Dean’s hair.

“ You’ll be fine...Eveything is going to be alright...” You said kissing Dean’s head to calm him down. His eyes were full of tears. Still struggling to breathe. You sounded calm but your hands were trembling and your heart was beating like a drum. You could feel it in your whole body and you could hear it in your ears.

“ Dean? What’s wrong?” Sam asked getting close to you as fast as he could. His voice sounded gruff and his tone was worried.h

“ I can’t breathe...” Dean said between tears and cough as you were lifting him up as fast as you could turning to look at Sam. His eyes wide open in panic just like yours. You knew exactly what you had to do. You both went down the stairs almost running. No time to get dressed or even put your shoes on. You just grabbed the keys and headed to the car. You opened the door and put Dean on the back seat. You passed the keys to Sam. You shared a terrified look and your heart skipped a beat as you sat next to Dean and Sam sat on the driver’s seat as fast as he could.

“ Everything will be alright, buddy...” He said to Dean starting the car with a fast sudden move. He was driving as fast as he could to get to the hospital. You were holding Dean in your arms. He was still crying unable to breathe. Your heart was torn in pieces every time he was trying to breathe. Leaving painful beats. Your mind started generating all shorts of reasons for this. And you started panicing. You felt like you couldn’t breathe either. But you couldn’t afford a panic attack now. Dean was scared as hell! And you wouldn’t show him you were too. He was depending on you! He needed you to tell him that everything would be fine! You could feel your throat closing and your heart beating painfully. You felt your eyes flooding... But you blinked a couple of times and blocked all thoughts from your mind. You kissed Dean’s head gently again.

“ You’ll be fine, baby...” You brushed his little back. Your hands still trembling. You couldn’t stop that. Dean raised his head to look at you. His eyes red and slightly swollen. He nodded and rested his head on your chest as you were brushing his back feeling evry struggled breath. You and Sam shared a look every now and then. You were both terrified. If anything ever happened to your baby...You swallowed hard...

Once you got to the hospital Sam parked the car and opened the door immediately to get out. You helped Dean out of the car and Sam lifted him up as fast as he could and you shared a brief look before you started heading to the emergency room as fast as you could with Sam holding Dean. Once you got there a nurse took Dean from Sam’s arms. All you saw was giving Dean oxygen before a nurse told you to wait outside. You and Sam got out and sat on a chair.

“ I’ll call Cas...” You said with a trembling voice.

“ I’ve already texted him... He’s on his way...” Sam said. His voice gruff. You nodded. You took a deep breath and you felt your throat closing. Your heart beating painfully. Your eyes flooding... You felt tears running on your cheeks. If anything happened to Dean...You couldn’t bear the thought.... More tears run down your eyes and you raised your trembling hand to press it against your chest...You felt so much pain in your heart that it got physical... If anything happened to your baby... You felt more tears down your cheeks...Sam wrapped his arms around you... You left a sob and raised your head to look at him...

“ (Y/N)...He’ll be fine...” He said to you in the same gruff voice. You felt your heart leaving another painful beat and you pressed your hand harder against your chest as you left another sob and more tears fell from your eyes... You took a deep breath to calm down. You reached for Sam’s other hand and you noticed it was slightly trembling too. You run your fingers between his and you brushed them with your thumb. He was worried sick too...Sam brushed your hand and you lifted your head to look at him. You shared a worried look. You let his hand go and you turned around to wrapp your arms around his neck. He held you tight as you planted a small kiss on his neck still crying. He kissed the top of your head in a kiss that lasted longer than expected. You didn’t get to stay like that for long. The doctor walked out. Both you and Sam looked up. You both got up. You wiped your tears as the doctor moved close to you smiling. Your heart lightened in your chest. The doctor was smiling. Dean must be fine.

“ He’ll be fine...” He said to you and Sam in a calm voice. “ He just had an asthma attack...You can take him back tonight...” He said to you. Your heart flattered in your chest. Sam chuckled relieved and you both turned to look at each other with the same smile of relief on your face. Your baby was fine... The doctor smiled to you and told you you could see him. You and Sam walked in. Dean was lying on the bed. His eyelids heavy. He was exhausted. Dry tears on his cheeks. You moved close to him and sat next to him.

“ Hey...” You said in a calm voice brushing his hair and then his cheeks gently.

“ Mom...I’m tired...” He whined. You could see he was feeling uncomfortable. You and Sam shared a smile. “ I wanna go home...” He whined again.

“ Soon,buddy...” Sam said and leaned to kiss Dean’s head.

“ Ok, Dad...” He murmured. Sam told Dean to try and get some sleep. Then you both talked to the doctor and you discussed treatment options. As you were talking Sam discreetly texted Cas that everything was fine promising to call him later to explain. Once you decided on the medication Dean would follow, the doctor told you to leave in the morning. The sun would be up in an hour anyway. In the morning Sam went to the nearest drug store and bought two inhalers. One for Dean and a spare one for you and him to have just in case. You returned home with Dean who was still exhausted and slept on the car. Sam lifted him carefully and moved him to his bed once you got there. You called Cas and told him what happened. He was worried too. He was relieved that Dean was ok. When Dean woke up you and Sam tried to show him how to use his inhaler. At first you thought he might need a spacer since he was still very young but Dean got the concept really fast. The first few weeks after that you had to remind him every day to take his spray with him to school. It took him some time to get used to this. But after a month or so he learned not to forget it at home. Of course you and Sam informed his teachers and told them where the spray was in his bag just in case. You always remembered to take the spray with you when you were going on a trip or visit Jody. In the months that followed Dean only had to use his inhaler once when you were in the park and he started feeling like he couldn’t breathe. You and Sam were right next to him and you watched him use the spray perfectly. You both kissed him smiling and you told him how proud you were he used the spray so well. Dean giggled and kissed you both back before running away from you a little to pretend he was a car. After a while he came back asking his dad to put him on his shoulders. Sam chuckled and lifted him up putting Dean behind his neck holding his hands to make sure he wouldn’t fall. Dean started laughing when Sam started walking. After five minutes or so Sam put him down and Dean turned to you.

“ Now it’s mom’s turn...” He said excited. Your eyes got wide open and you lifted your head to look at Sam.You moved your head to tell him no with a scared look on your face. But Sam smiled back at you and that made you swallow hard.

“ Come on...” He said trying to convince you. You swallowed hard once again.

“Mom, please...” Dean said hugging you. He raised his head and looked at you with his beautiful eyes and that smile on his face. You brushed his hair and he rested his head on you. You looked at Sam who was still smiling at you encouragingly. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. You opened them again.

“ OK...” You said with a small nervous smile.

“ Yeah!” Dean said lifting his head from you. He reached for you and you leaned so he could kiss you making your heart flatter and your lips form another smile.

“ Dean...You stay close...” Sam said to Dean before sitting so you could climb on his shoulders . Dean nodded with a smile and you moved close to Sam. You climbed on his shoulders putting one leg in either side of his neck trembling a little. You felt so out of balance. Sam held your legs and brushed them a little to reassure you. He slowly straightened up and you run your fingers through his hair. It was too high! Your heart racing!

“Please, don’t pull my hair...” Sam chuckled as Dean was watching you gigling. Sam smiled to him and he started walking a little. You were holding his hair resisting the urge to pull. Sam knew you weren’t feeling comfortable so after a few steps he sat again slowly and carefully so you could get down. Your knees felt weak when you steped on the ground again. You took a few deep breaths chuckling. Now that you were on the ground again it didn’t seem that bad. Dean run close to you again and hugged you both before running again to check something he saw on the nearby tree.

“ Are you alright?” Sam chuckled next to you.

“ I have to admit that’s **not** the way I want your head between my legs...” You chuckled in a low voice so only Sam could hear you. Sam chuckled too.

“ When Dean falls asleep we’ll do it your way...” He answered in a low voice so only you could hear him. You looked at him blushing and your heart flattered. He smiled to you proud he made you blush and you shared a brief but tender kiss. Dean run back to you announcing he was hungry. Sam lifted him up and you headed back to the car. It was time to go home...

Around that time you found some time to visit Jody again. Dean was having such a good time there he always wanted to stay longer. So you let him stay there for a couple of days and you and Sam spend some time alone. When you went back to pick him up you found Cas there too. You asked him if he wanted to stay with you for a few days but he said he was working on a case so you didn’t insist. You went back home with Dean who fell asleep in the car. When you returned home Sam carefully lifted him up. You opened the door to your home and you both walked in. You and Sam shared a kiss. You pulled back and brushed Dean’s back wispering goodnight to him and Sam went up the stairs to put him to bed smiling. In the months that followed Dean got taller fast. You could see the difference everyday but Dean got so excited when he saw how much taller he got on the wall you took his measurments. Then he run to his dad and asked him if he’d get tall like him. Sam told him he would in time... But he got really grumpy the following days and you thought that this ould be because he wanted to get taller so you and Sam sat on the couch with him to talk to him. But that was not what was bothering him.Dean showed you and Sam the picture from your wedding and he said grumpily.

“ You didn’t invite me to your wedding...” You and Sam tried really hard not to laugh. You just shared a smile and explained him that he couldn’t possibly be at your wedding because he wasn’t born yet. Time was still a confusing concept and it took him a while to understand what you meant but eventually he did and he stopped being grumpy and you and Sam hugged him and reminded him how much you loved him. He hugged you back and he told you he loved you too. After that you went to change your clothes cause it was bath time again and you knew you’d get wet as Dean was splashing water all over the place...During those months he also got better at drawing. You still couldn’t really make sense of what he was drawing but he came back to school one day holding a drawing for you and Sam. Dean sat next to you and Sam at the table for lunch and he showed you his drawing.

“ That’s mom...” He said pointing at a blue figure making your heart flatter. “ That’s dad...” He said pointing at the (extra) tall brown figure. Sam looked at you smiling excited. You smiled back at him excited to. “ And that’s me...” Dean concluded pointing at the yellow figure between you and Sam holding your hands.

“ It’s beautiful, Dean...” You said and kissed his head gently.

“ Yeah...” Sam said smiling still looking at the drawing. Dean offered you both a huge smile before going with Sam to wash his hands. You and Sam put that drawing in your drawer with the others and every time you looked at it you couldn’t help but smile...

With Christmas approaching you started getting prepared. This time you wanted to invite Jody and Cas to your house for Christmas. You still weren’t sure if you’d make it but you had already started making plans on the last Friday before the holidays. You were back from work early. Dean wouldn’t spend the whole day at school either. He’d be home early too. Sam would pick him up after work so you didn’t have to wait for the schoolbus. After you were done cooking you heard the door open and you moved out of the kitchen to see Dean running to hug you. You hugged him back and looked at Sam surprised. He had a pair of paper antlers on his head and he seemed a little surly. It was so hard for you not to laugh. He looked so beutiful and so funny at the same time. Dean pulled back excited.

“ Mom,look! Dad’s a raindeer...” He said gigling. Sam smiled to him.

“ More like a moose...” You said in a low voice so only Sam could here you as Dean was running to the couch to watch tv till lunch time. Sam turned his head and looked at you with a pissed off expression. And to you the sight was so funny you started laughing as silently as possible bringing your hand to your mouth. Sam exhaled deeply abandoning his pissed off look and you stoped laughing.

“ Dean wanted me to wear them on the way home...” He said taking off the antlers. That’s probably why he looked grumpy. He brought Dean back from school on foot and he probably wasn’t feeling very comfortable with antlers on his head. You chuckled and wrapped your arms around Sam’s neck and pressed your lips on his gently. He moved his lips against yours in a loving kiss and you both pulled back smiling at each other. You moved back to the kitchen and Sam helped Dean wash his hands so you could all have lunch. In the afternoon you had the time to take Dean to the playground but you didn’t stay long because it was too cold and you didn’t want Dean to get sick. When you came back home you helped Dean take a bath and you put him to bed. You went back to your room to change your wet clothes and Sam stayed with Dean to read him one of the books you brought for him. Once you changed your clothes Sam walked in.

“ He fell asleep in the first two pages...” He told you chuckling. You chuckled back.

“He was tired...” You said smiling. Sam went to change his clothes. He took his shirt off and you looked at him with a mischievous look on your face. “ Sam...” You said sitting on the bed. “ Will you put the antlers back on?” You said trying not to laugh. Sam looked at you suspicious. “ They were a huge turn on...” You explained signaling Sam that you had more on your mind for tonight than just sleeping. And you really wanted to see those antlers on his head again.

“ Really...” Sam asked not really believing you but not quite sure if you were joking either. You smiled at him as an answer. He exhaled deeply thinking that he’s probably being really stupid but he found the antlers somewhere between his clothes and put them on turning to look at you very serious but hopeful. You couldn’t hold back and you started laughing at the sight. He looked so funny and so adorable at the same time. He looked at you pissed off again and took the antlers off. You tried really hard to stop laughing. Sam sat on the bed.

“ Goodnight...” He said and his voice sounded a little gruff. He was in no mood for sex anymore. You stopped laughing. You smiled at him gently as he was sitting on the bed. His back turned on you. You moved close to him and sat behind him. Your knees on either side of his waist. You wrapped your arms around his chest gently and rested your head on his shoulders. You lifted your head again and looked at him.

“You came all the way home with the antlers on your head because Dean asked you to...” Your tone was calm but serious as you were talking smiling at him. “ You did it because you didn’t want to disappoint our son...” You said. “You’re an amazing dad, Sam... And that **is** a huge turn on...” You said gently in a serious tone. You pressed your lips on his neck in a small tender kiss and you heard him chuckle. He moved his hands and brushed yours. He turned towards you gently pushing you down on the bed with his body.

“ I’d better check that...” He chcuckled and you chuckled too. He pressed his lips on yours in a tender kiss. “ I love you so much, (Y/N)...” He said in a serious tone. You smiled to him and brushed his hair gently.

“ I love you too, Sam...” You said and pressed your lips on his in a firm passionate kiss...

On Christmas Jody and Cas came to you. Jody arrived early in the morning to help you with the cooking. Dean woke up early too and lied on the couch to watch the lights flickering on the tree. After a couple of hours he came in the kitchen asking to help with the food. You assigned him something simple to do and Sam helped him with it keeping him busy. When Cas arrived Dean run excited to the door to hug Cas who hugged him back with a huge smile on his face. When you all sat on the table to eat Dean asked Cas why he wasn’t eating. He hadn’t noticed that before so you and Sam rushed to tell him that Cas wasn’t hungry. But Cas pretended to eat because he didn’t want to disappoint Dean who was very proud helping around. Both Cas and Jody left in the afternoon. In the days that followed you did get to visit Danny and Mark too. Danny was very excited to announce you that they were planning to adopt a child. He was very excited with that and it seemed to you that he was ready for it. He was still the same playful Danny he was when you met him but he had matured a lot since then. He asked you and Sam to let him and Mark have Dean for a few days to practice. You promised him that you’d do that at some point. He was so excited about this and he was doing great with Dean. During your visit Dean spend most of the time with him looking at the big Christmas tree they bought. Danny bought two sets of lights that year and he was more than happy to show them to Dean. When you returned back home and you had to store the Christmas decorations again Dean was in a bad mood like every time. He helped you with it but he did ask first if you could keep the tree for the rest of the year. When you told him no he got disappointed but he helped you. In the afternoon you and Sam took him to the playground to cheer him up and it worked. When you came back home he was very excited giggling and talking until he fell asleep after you read him the book you and Sam bought him for Christmas. He was happy to return to school too to see his friends. But waking up early in the morning made him whiny the first days back to school. But soon he was back to his normal routine. The weeks that followed Sam had a lot of work and he came back late. Dean missed him and he asked you when dad would be back every afternoon. Sam was coming back exhausted but he was as happy to see Dean as Dean was to see him. You were exhausted too cause after work you spend all day taking care of Dean which was exhausting cause Dean had so much energy. Playing all the time, running around the house and you were always behind him. Some days were harder than others. Especially when you had a really bad day at work. Sam was still working and it was time for Dean to go to bed but he didn’t want to.

“ No....I wanna stay here...” He whined.

“ Dean, come on... It’s time for you to go to bed...” You said exhausted as Dean run around in the living room.

“ I don’t want to...” He whined again.

“Dean! It’s time to go to bed!” You said firmly. You had a really hard day at work and you didn’t get the chance to relax at all today. And Dean was giving you a hard time too.

“ No!” He said and sat on the couch crossing his arms on his little chest. You took a deep breath and sat next to him.

“ Baby...” You said and brushed his arms gently. “ You have to go to sleep... It’s time...” you explained.

“ But I want to play...” He said lifting his head to look at you whining.

“ I know...” You said and kissed his head. “But you have to get a good night’s sleep because tomorrow Dad and I want to take you to the playground...” You said smiling. “ But I guess you can stay up until Dad comes back from work...” You said. You knew Sam would be back soon.

“ Thank you,mom...” Dean said smiling and he moved to hug you.

“ I love you so much, Dean...” You said hugging him back.

“ I love you too, mom...” He said in your arms. He played with his toys a little longer and then the door opened. Sam walked in. Dean run towards him excited.

“ Daaad!” He said as Sam was chuckling. He was very tired but he leaned and picked up Dean.

“ Hey, Buddy...” He said and kissed Dean’s cheek. “ I’ve missed you...” He said pulling back to smile at Dean.

“ I’ve missed you too, Dad...” Dean said smiling. You moved close to them and brushed Dean’s hair. You and Sam shared a smile. You turned to Dean again and reminded him that it was time for him to go to bed.

“ Mom’s right... Time for bed...” Sam said smiling at Dean.

“ Goodnight, Dad...” Dean said hugging Sam smiling.

“ Goodnight, Dean...” Sam said with a smile before passing Dean to you. Dean put his little arms around your neck and rested his head on your shoulder. You and Sam shared another smile before you started going up the stairs. When you got to Dean’s room you gently put him in his bed and you tucked in Dean.

“ Mom...will you read to me?” He asked getting comfortable in his bed.

“ Yeah...” You said sitting next to him on the bed putting one arm around him. “ Pick a book...” You said gently and kissed his head. Dean picked one of the books he had close to his bed and gave it to you. You started reading and soon Dean fell asleep resting his head on your chest taking slow deep breaths. You closed the book carefully and gently put Dean’s head on the pillow. He opened his eyes a little not quite conscious and said.

“ I love you, mom...” His voice close to a wisper. He closed his eyes again lost in his dreams. You kissed his head gently.

“ I love you too, baby...” You wispered and brushed his hair before you walked towards the door letting him sleep. You looked at your baby sleeping peacefully on his bed, taking deep calm breaths. Your heart flattered in your chest and you smiled to yourself. You loved him so much... You closed the door careful not to wake him up. You went downstairs to find Sam in the kitchen. He had just finished his dinner and he was washing his plate.

“ Hey...” He turned to greet you.

“ Hey...” You said too moving close to him. You shared a sweet kiss. Once Sam was done with his plate you both sat on the table again talking about your day. You both had really difficult days and you were both very tired. So you got up and went upstairs to change and lie on the bed to get some rest. You both fell asleep almost immediately in each other’s arms. You woke up first in the morning. Sam’s arms were still wrapped around you. You checked his watch. It was still early. Dean wouldn’t be up for a couple of hours. You closed your eyes to get some sleep again. But Sam had already woken up. He brushed your hands gently and kissed your head. You lifted your head to look at him. He smiled at you and you smiled back at him. He leaned and pressed his lips on yours in a firm kiss. You moved your lips against his passionately.

“ Goodmorning...” he said smiling at you when you pulled back.

“ Goodmorning...” You said smiling too. He checked his watch. He turned to you again and kissed your lips briefly.

“ So...we have more than an hour...” He started saying. But you knew exactly what he meant. You’ve both missed each other so much. And you had plenty of time... So you turned around and wrapped your arms around his neck.

“ Yeah...” You said to him in anticipation answering the quiestion he had in mind and you pressed your lips on his in a deep passionate kiss. He moved his against your firmly and he pushed you back on the mattress gently as you run your fingers through his hair. It was intense and as quiet as possible and when you were done you were both breathless as you were lying on Sam’s chest and he was brushing your back gently holding you tight. Half an hour later Dean woke up too but by the time he got out of bed to find you you were both up and already dressed. Dean walked in very excited to go to the playground. Sam kissed Dean’s head to wish him goodmorning and moved to the kitchen to make breakfast. You helped Dean get dressed and you both went to the kitchen for breakfast. You helped Dean sit on the chair where Sam had already put his plate on the table. You sat next to him.

“ Here’s your apple juice, Dean...” Sam said putting a glass next to Dean’s plate.

“ Thank you, Dad...” Dean said already chewing on his sandwich. Sam sat next to Dean and you both started eating your sandwiches. When you were done you helped Dean brush his teeth as Sam was cleaning up in the kitchen.

“ Mom...Can we visit the library too and get a new book?” Dean asked after you helped him put his jacket on.

“ Yeah, baby... I think we have time...” You said smiling.

“ Thank you,mom...” Dean said and hugged you. You hugged him back and brushed his hair.

“ Let’s go...” Sam said smiling opening the door for you and Dean. You left for the playground and you did have the time to visit the library. You found mrs Feegs there and she was very excited to see Dean. She gave him candy which Dean didn’t like and gave them to you once you left the library. But he enjoyed looking around the shelves. Sam said he had the same look in his eyes that you had every time you were around books. You smiled to him and he lifted Dean up so he could check the books on the higher selves. He found a lot of books he liked and he wanted you and Sam to read to him. You promised you’d borrow them all for him in time but for now you asked him to choose two. It wasn’t an easy choice for him but eventually he settled in two and you told mrs Feegs you’d borrow them as you were leaving. You all spend the afternoon together on the couch. You and Sam reading to Dean. Reading different parts whenever there was dialogue. Eventually Dean slept on the couch and Sam took him to his bed. The next weekend you drove to Danny’s and let Dean stay there till Sunday afternoon. You didn’t feel very comfortable with that since Danny had never had Dean before. But Sam reassured you that Dean would be fine and you did feel a lot better when you heard Dean excited on the phone. When you picked him up from Danny’s they both told you they had a great time together. Dean’s weekend was full and when you picked him up on Sunday afternoon he was very tired and he fell asleep in the car till you got home. He opened his eyes slightly asking if you were home when Sam picked him up from the car. You told him you were home and Sam took him upstairs after you wished him goodnight. It wasn’t easy for him to wake up in the morning. You waked him up and you helped him put his shirt on and you turned around to find his pants but when you turned to look at him again he was sleeping. You woke him up again and he was ready by the time the schoolbus arrived.He said goodbye to you and Sam and he left with his teacher. He came back very excited and very tired again. As a result he fell asleep early and you and Sam had some more time to relax. The next morning he woke up easily as he was very well rested. You helped him get dressed as Sam was making breakfast. After he was ready you walked to the kitchen and Dean sat on his seat.

“ Dad... Can I have some apple juice?” Dean asked as he was eating his sandwich.

“ There you go...” Sam said leaving a glass next to Dean’s plate. You had already started eating your sandwiches. Sam had already made you coffee but now that you saw Dean’s glass filled with apple juice you felt like you wanted some too.

“ Sam...Can I have some apple juice too?” You asked. Sam turned to look at you surprised.

“ Yeah...” He answered startled and filled a glass with apple juice for you. You drank your apple juice as Sam helped Dean (who was done with his food) brush his teeth. A few minutes later the schoolbus was there. You wished Dean goodbye as he was leaving for school. You and Sam shared a tender kiss and you both left for work. You had a very tiring day and you came back late. When you came back Dean was watching tv on the couch. He run to you to hug you once you walked in. You hugged him back and kissed him and you moved to the kitchen as he sat back on the couch again. You were exhausted and hungry. Sam was in the kitchen cooking.

“ Hey...” He greeted you with a smile.

“ Hey...” You said and moved close to him. You shared a brief but tender kiss and you sat on a chair.

“ How was your day?” Sam asked. You closed your eyes and rested your head on your hands.

“ Tiring...” You said in a low voice. Sam turned to look at you and he saw you holding your head.

“ (Y/N), are you alright?” He asked worried.

“ Yeah...” You said and you lifted your head to offer him a small smile. “ I’m just a little dizzy...” You explained.

“ Dizzy...” He repeated emphasizing the word. You looked at him confused. “ Are you sure...It’s not something else?” He asked looking at you. You looked back at him trying to understand what he had in mind. He smiled to you nervously and he continued. “First you want apple juice...Now you’re dizzy...” He said as you were listening to him closely. You started realising what he was talking about. The last time you asked for apple juice was when you were pregnant with Dean and you never asked for it again... until this morning... And now you are feeling dizzy too...” He paused for a second “I don’t know... maybe we should check it out?” He said offering you a nervous smile. You looked at him speechless for a few moments. You started thinkin about it. You really haven’t felt the urge to drink apple juice again since you had Dean... You thought about it for a sfew seconds... There was a chance you could be pregnant again... It was possible... Your heart flattered in your chest and a small smile brightened your face. You took a deep breath feeling shock... You haven’t even considered that before... Sam was right...Maybe you should check it out... A huge smile formed on your face...

“ Yeah...” You said breathlessly still in shock... “ I mean I’m not late yet...But...” You said and looked at Sam smiling. “ Maybe...” You said chuckling. Sam chuckled too breathlessly and nervously. You spend a few moments looking at each other considering the possibility. You haven’t really thought having another child... But now...Now your heart was flattering in your chest as you were both warming up to the idea...It would be so beautiful... Another baby... Dean having a brother or a sister... Another child to love with all your hearts just like you loved Dean... You took a deep breath and exhaled chuckling... Your heart beating a little faster... The idea of having your second baby inside you put a huge smile on your face and your hand instictively touched your belly gently... You got up and moved close to Sam. He run his hand through his hair chuckling breathlessly...

“ We’re gonna have another one...” He said smiling nervously at you. You shared a smile full of excitememnt and nervousness.

“ Probably...” You said breathlessly with a nervous smile too. “ I’m gonna buy a test tomorrow...” You said and rested your head on Sam’s chest. He wrapped his arms around you protectively holding you tight and you moved your hands to wrapp them around his neck. You pulled back a little and you shared a tender kiss just as Dean walked in.

“ I’m hungry...” He whined.

“ Dinner is almost ready, buddy...” Sam said startled as Dean came close to you. He leaned and kissed Dean’s head. You sat down again and Dean followed you. He climbed on your lap and your held him tight. He relaxed in your arms. Almost asleep... After you ate Sam took him from your arms to take him to bed brushing his head gently.

“ Goodnight,mom...” Dean murmured half asleep.

“ Goodnight, baby...” You said brushing his back and you kissed his little head as it was lying against Sam’s shoulder. You went upstairs to change your clothes and a few minutes later Sam joined you. You lied in each other’s arms and you started falling asleep. Your hearts beating hard in anticipation of tomorrow’s test...

When you woke up the next morning Sam went to the kitchen after you kissed each other goodmorning and you went to wake up Dean. It was Saturday so he woke up very excited to go to the park or the playground. Once you helped him get dressed you went down for breakfast. There were two glasses of apple juice on the table now. But you didn’t really feel like drinking your apple juice that morning. That made your heart tighten a little. When you were pregnant with Dean you wanted your apple juice every day... You took a few sips and after you were done with your breakfast Sam helped Dean brush his teeth as you washed the dishes. You all left for the park and you had a great time. Dean showed you everything he saw excitedly and when you went back to the car you heard him from the back seat before Sam satrted the car.

“Mom, Dad...I love you very much...” He murmured as he was feeling sleepy. You and Sam looked at each other smiling sharing the same unconditional love for your baby. You both reached back to brush his little legs smiling at him to tell him that you loved him too. He smiled back at you tiredly and you both turned in front of you and Sam started driving. When you got home you let Sam take Dean inside so you could go to the nearest drug store for a pregnancy test. When you came back you showed Sam the bag discreetly and you told him you’d take it after lunch. You all sat down for lunch. You didn’t eat much. You were feeling nervous. And so did Sam. You shared nervous looks every now and then. After Dean was done with his food he asked if he could watch tv. You told him he could and he gave both of you a hug before heading to the couch. You looked at him with a smile. Then you and Sam got up and went upstairs so you could take the test. You didn’t bother to clean up the table. You got the test. Your heart beating like a dum now. Sam kissed you encouragingly and you went in the bathroom to take it. After you were done you waited in the bathroom for the results. Your heart was beating so fast and so hard. You could hear it in your ears. You were moving nervously checking every now and then. And finally the answer was there. You took the test in your trembling hands and looked at it. Your heart was beating so hard you couldn’t hear anything else. You looked at it...and...Your heart left another hard beat... It felt like it sank a little... Your heartbeat started getting back to normal. You were feeling a little numb. You opened the bathroom door holding the test. Sam raised his head to look at you full of anticipation for the answer.

“ It’s negative...” You said calmly. Sam looked at you surprised a little. Then he nodded trying to wrapp his mind around the news. You both warmed up to the idea... You were hoping the test would be positive... “ It’s probably better this way...” You started saying in a low voice. “ We have a lot on our plate with Dean...” You said trying to rationalise what sank inside you. Trying to make you feel better. But it didn’t seem to work. Sam just nodded...

“ MOM, DAD...I WANT A SANDWITCH...” Dean yelled from the living room. Sam got up.

“ I’ll go...” He said in a gruff voice offering you a small smile before going downstairs. You felt like something sank inside him too. But he wouldn’t tell you. You made it sound like you were fine with the test being negative. You threw the test away and you went downstairs. Dean was still on the couch watching tv. You walked in the kitchen where nSam was making the sandwich. You moved close to him.

“ Sam...” You started saying in a calm low voice... “ Are you disappointed?” You asked.

“ No...” He said gruffly without looking at you. A few seconds later he took a deep breath. “ Yeah...” He said exhaling deeply and his voice was soft again. You brushed his arm and planted a small kiss on it.

“ We can always try...” You said calmly with a small smile. He turned to look at you.

“ I thought we have a lot on our plate with Dean...” He repeated your words with a small smile.

“ I was trying to feel better...” You said. “ It didn’t work...” You chuckled melancholically. Sam nodded understanding what you meant. He wasn’t feeling better either. You both loved your baby more than anything in your whole world...and the idea of having ane more baby...A part of you and Sam...To love more than anything in the whole world just like you loved Dean was something you haven’t even realised you wanted until you thought you had it... And you felt so disappointed that you weren’t having a second child after all... But that didn’t mean you couldn’t try... Sam took a deep breath and spoke to you again in a serious tone.

“ So, do we try?” He asked you with a serious expression full of determination on his face. Waiting for your answer. A huge smile formed on your face.

“ Yeah...” You said gently. He chuckled breathlessly and nodded. You shared a smile full of excitement and love. Love for each other. For your baby...And for the baby you were planning on having... You moved closer and you wrapped your arms around Sam’s neck. He wrapped his arms around you holding you tight. “ I really want one more...” You said smiling as he was brushing your back.

“ I want one more too...” He said with a smile pulling you a little closer. You brushed his hair as he was brushing your back.

“ Dad...is my sandwich ready?” Dean walked in asking. You pulled back.

“ Sandwich...right...” Sam said smiling startled. “ It will be ready in a few minutes,buddy...” He said.

“ Thank you, dad...” Dean said and moved close to you. He hugged you and looked up as you were brushing his hair. “ Mom, will you read to me, please?” He asked.

“ Yeah...which book do you want me to read?” You asked with a smile walking outside with Dean. When Sam was done with the sandwich he brought it to the couch where you were reading Dean a book. He sat next to you and reminded Dean to be careful while eating. You spend the whole afternoon together and when Dean started feeling tired Sam put him to bed before joining you to your bed. You were both very tired and you fell asleep fast as Sam was holding you tight and you were brushing his neck gently...

The week that followed wasn’t easy at all. The first few days you and Sam had too much work to do and you were both coming back late. You called mrs Wright to stay with Dean until you came back. You didn’t get to see him much and you missed him a lot. He missed you too so much. Every night he was asking if he could stay up a little longer so you and Sam could read to him or play with him. You were very tired but you wanted to spend some time with your baby. So you let him stay up ten more minutes and then you or Sam would take him to his bed and then you went exhausted to yours. Dean woke you up in the middle of the night because he had a nightmare. He showed up in your room crying silently asking if he could sleep with you. You and Sam made him space and he moved to get comfotable between you. You both brushed his back and his head until he calmed down and eventually he started falling asleep and so did you and Sam hugging Dean protectively. Making sure nothing would scare your baby... In the morning you woke up first. You got up to reach for Sam and wake him up too and you noticed both he and Dean were sleeping in the same position. The sight made you smile. You woke up Sam and then you woke up Dean as gently as possible. He was tired since he didn’t have a good night but he got up relatively fast. When it was time for him to go to bed that night he was scared. But you and Sam stayed with him till he fell asleep and you told him there was nothing to be scared off. If there was you and Sam would have killed it before it even approached your baby. That night you didn’t sleep very well. You woke up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous. You’ve been exhausted from work and sometimes when you were very tired you did feel like throwing up. You stayed up for a couple of hours until you managed to go back to sleep. The next day you managed to come back early from work. Dean was very tired when he came back from school so you both lied on the couch. Dean made himself comfortable in your arms. You pulled him close. You kissed his head gently before you both started drifting off.You woke up in the afternoon and you had time to play together and read him a book until Sam came back with a new book for Dean. He saw it in a book store and he thought Dean would like it. Dean gave him a huge hug and told him that he loved him before asking him to read it. Sam agreed since he didn’t get the chance to spend some time with Dean all day. an they have missed each other. You got the chance to get some sleep. Sam joined you after putting Dean to bed. You were feeling well rested but again you woke up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous. It was worse than the night before and you weren’t exhausted like before to justify feeling like that. You felt better about an hour later and you did get to sleep but you were feeling nauseous again in the morning. But you were feeling better than during the night. The night that followed you woke up again feeling nauseous. You lifted yourself in a sitting position on the bed trying to feel better. You checked the time. It was still very early. You took deep breaths trying to feel better. It didn’t work. You moved on the bed trying to get more comfortabale. Sam felt you moving and he woke up.

“ Hey...” He said brushing your hand gently understanding what was going on. He accidentally woke him up the previous nights too. You brushed his hand too offering him a small smile.

“ Sam...” You started saying taking a deep breath trying to feel better. “ I don’t think we’ll have to try after all...” You said.

“ What?” He asked confused lifting himself up to a sitting position.

“ This is the third night in a row...” You told him turning your head to look a t him with a small smile taking another deep breath to feel better. “ I’m four days late... And I do feel like drinking apple juice again...” You continued chuckling a little.

“ You think...?” Sam started asking listening to you closely.

“ Yeah...” You said taking another deep breath. It didn’t make you feel better.

“ But the test...” He started asking.

“ Maybe it was too early...” You said looking at him hopeful. He nodded. You both smiled to each other and agreed to take another test tomorrow. You also said you’d buy more this time just to be sure. So the next day you didn’t have the time to go buy the tests cause Dean would be back home in a few minutes so you called Sam and told him to buy them for you. When he came back from work Dean had already eaten lunch. You couldn’t eat. You were too nervous. But you did drink a glass of apple juice. Sam walked in holding a bag wit three pregnacny tests. You went upstairs and Sam gave you an encouraging kiss before you took the bag and walked in the bathroom. You took all three of them. But you couldn’t wait in the bathroom for the results. Yor heart was beating like a drum again. You could hear in in your ears. You were slightly trembling. You walked outside holding the sticks in your hands.

“ Now we wait...” You said to Sam taking a deep breath trying to calm down. You sat next to him on the bed holding the sticks. Sam was keeping time. You were both moving nervously in anticipation for the answer hoping it would be positive...

“ MOM, DAD...CAN I HAVE A SNACK?...” Dean asked from the living room.

“ I’ll go...” You said getting up fast. You wanted to do something else. The wait was killing you. You wanted to move around.

“ Yeah...” Sam said nervously. You shared a firm kiss full of hope and you went downstairs to make something for Dean. Dean followed you in the kitchen and sat down playing with one of his toys.

“ What do you want, Dean?” You asked him brushing his hair with a smile.

“ A sandwich and juice...” He said to you with a smile.

“ Alright...” You said smiling back to him leaning to kiss his head. You could still hear your heart in your ears.

“ Thank you,mom...” He said with a smile as you pulled back. You smiled back to him with so much love in your eyes. You moved to make him the sandwich. Your hands were trembling... You had already started when...

“ (Y/N)...”You heard Sam’s voice behind you. You turned around hopeful. You thought your heart would explode. Sam was sitting at the entrance. You looked at him full of anticipation.

“Positive... All three of them...” He said offering you a nervous smile. You gasped. Your heart started flattering so fast in your chest. You and Sam shared a huge smile. You were both so happy! You felt your eyes watering! Sam moved close to you and wrapped his arms around you holding you tight. You wrapped your arms around his neck holding him tight too. Tears running down your eyes. You would have another baby! You were pregnant again! Dean would have a brother or a sister! You felt Sam press his lips against your neck in a brief but tender kiss. “ I love you so much...” He said to you brethlessly.

“ I love you too...”You said and pressed your lips against his neck too. Your heart still flattering in your chest.

“ Mom, Dad...What’s going on?” Dean asked. You and Sam pulled back. You looked at Dean and then at each other nervously. You paused for a few seconds and then you spoke.

“ Something very nice, baby...” You said moving close to him to kiss his head again gently. You felt your heart flatter in your heart again. You loved him so much. You loved them both so much...

“ We’ll tell you when the time comes...” Sam said kneeling in front of Dean brushing his hair.

“ Ok, Dad...” Dean said and hugged Sam. He got up and hugged you too before running towards the couch. Both you and Sam were looking at him with so much love in your eyes. When Dean sat on the couch you and Sam looked at each other smiling. You moved closer again. You rested your head on Sam’s chest hearing his heart flatter in his chest just like yours. He wrapped his arms around you.

“ We’re having one more baby...” He said and he chuckled breathlessly.

“ Yeah...” You said closing your eyes briefly enjoying his arms around you. You would have another baby! You’d have to find a way to tell Dean... That made you a little nervous...You’d need to think about this but you were both feeling so happy! So excited! So nervous! So much love for each other! So much love for both your babies!...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter March 28... :-)


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie...

Before you and Sam could say anything to Dean about the baby you wanted to make sure that everything was fine. So you booked an appointment with your doctor during that week. Dean was a little bit alarmed as to why you had to go to the doctor but you and Sam explained him that there was nothing to worry about. The appointment went well and both you and Sam got out of the doctor’s office with a huge smile on your faces and a bunch of tests you had to do. You went to get the tests done in the two days that followed your appointment. Sam couldn’t be with you because he had to take care of Dean. But he did drop you there and was back with Dean to pick you up. You reassured him that everything was fine. You wouldn’t wait for the results though. You called Cas and explained him the situation. He was shocked for a few moments and then he congratulated you and Sam ( Dean was asleep and you had him on speaker...). You invited him over for the weekend and Dean was very excited about that. When Cas arrived Dean run to the door and hugged him. And when he pulled back he pulled on Cas’ trench coat to follow him and play with him but he let him go when you and Sam told him that Cas’ would play with him in a few minutes because he was a little tired. Dean played with his toys in the living room carpet as you and Sam and Cas moved to the kitchen. Sam sat close to the door so he could keep an eye on Dean. Cas congratulated you again and reassured you that everything was fine just before Dean walked in the kitchen asking for Cas to play with him again. You joined them as Sam made lunch. When Cas left on Sunday afternoon you and Sam started talking about how you’d break the news to Dean. You decided that the best way to do it was to get straight to the point.. You had already explained Dean a few things about where babies come from one day he saw a picture on Sam’s phone where you were pregnant with him and your belly had already grown. So you and Sam explained him a few things. So it shouldn’t be a difficult talk in that sense. But you were concerned about his reaction. Would he be happy about it? Would he get jealous? You decided to see what you’d have to face and act accordingly instead of making guesses. So when you came back home on Thursday afternoon you and Sam were planning on talking to Dean. You walked in holding your test results in your hands. You picked them up after work.  
“ Moooom!” You heard Dean’s excited voice as you opened the door with a smile and Dean was already running towards you. He hugged your legs briefly and pulled back to look at you smiling. You greeted him and leaned to kiss his head gently as Sam was getting up from the floor. They were playing together when you walked in. Toys were all over the carpet. He smiled to you as Dean was heading back to his toys. You smiled back and gave him a brief hug. You pulled back and handed him the results with a smile telling him that everything was fine. Sam smiled back to you expecting that since Cas assured you that everything was fine. You moved to the couch and Sam moved to the kitchen and he ruturned with a glass of apple juice and a sandwich. You didn’t drink as much apple juice as you did when you were pregnant with Dean but it was still your preference. After you were done Sam washed the dishes and you served Dean dinner in the kitchen. After he ate he still had about an hour till his bed time so you let him play with his toys on the carpet a little longer. You and Sam sat on the couch watching Dean play preparing to talk to him. You took deep breaths and you looked at each other smiling nervously before you looked back at Dean. You shared a determined look and looked back at Dean again.  
“ Dean...” Sam said and his voice sounded a little gruff. “ Will you come here for a moment?” He said calmly. Dean raised his head and looked at you. You smiled to him and he moved close to you and sat between you. You and Sam shared a determined but nervous look before you both turned to look at Dean who was looking at both of you trying to understand what was going on.  
“ We want to talk to you about something...” You said brushing Dean’s hair gently.  
“ You... are going to have a brother or a sister...” Sam said smiling nervously as you were both waiting for Dean’s reaction. You saw Dean’s eyes turning wide and his jaw dropping. Your heart was beating faster. What if he didn’t like the idea? What if he didn’t want a sibling?You couldn’t figure how he was feeling besides the shock... You and Sam shared a worried look...  
“Really?” Dean asked looking at Sam and then at you. His eyes still wide open.  
“ Yeah...” You said smiling at him gently still waiting for his reaction. You and Sam shared another nervous look... Dean started thinking about it... You and Sam were looking at him sharing a worried look every now and then... But you saw a huge smile slowly forming on Dean’s lips. You felt your heart flatter in your chest. He turned around and moved to the edge of the couch a little so he could look at both of you. But he went a little too far. Your heart skipped a beat.  
“ Dean!” You and Sam exclaimed in panic! You both moved fast to put your hands on his back pulling him a little closer to make sure he wouldn’t fall.  
“ Careful,buddy...” Sam said as you both took a deep breath. You looked at each other relieved that your baby didn’t fall. Dean was still smiling.  
“ When?” He asked excited. You and Sam shared an excited smile seeing Dean being happy that he would have a brother or a sister... You both started explaining to him that the baby was in your belly now and that it would take a few months. He asked you if your belly would grow like in the photo and you and Sam told him that it would and that in a few months you could even feel the baby move... He was looking at you smiling widely asking questions with an excited tone in his voice. Finally he hugged both you and Sam each with one hand.  
“Thank you, mom and Dad...” he murmured. You and Sam shared a huge smile and hugged him back and kissed his head gently. Dean pulled back and turned to Sam standing up on the couch “Dad... Will you give me your phone?” He asked him excited jumping a little on the couch.   
“ Why?” Sam asked confused. You shared a puzzled look as you put your arms around Dean to make sure he wouldn’t feel out of balance and fall.  
“ I wanna tell Jody!...And uncle Cas!...And my friends at school! Pleaseee!” He said smiling excited. You and Sam chcuckled. Sam got his phone out of his pocket. He called Cas and put him on speaker. When Dean told him the news Cas chuckled and congratulated Dean but Dean said goodbye to him really fast to “call Jody!”. Sam looked at you not sure if he should let Dean call Jody. You haven’t told her yet but you smiled to him. Dean was so excited! You and Sam shared a smile agreeing to let Dean tell the news to Jody. Sam called her number as Dean was waiting impatiently over the phone listening to it ring.  
“ Sam...” You heard Jody picking up the phone but before she could say anything else Dean interrupted her.  
“ JODY! I’m gonna have a brother or a sister!” He said excited!  
“ WHAT?!?!?” You heard Jody asking completely taken by surprise.  
“ Yeah!” Dean continued in the same tone. You and Sam atepped in and you told her that you were expecting another child as Dean was listening smiling widely. Jody was so excited! She congratulated you all and you promised to call her later for more information because now you had to hung up and put Dean to bed. She congratulated you again excited and you hung up. Dean was standing on the couch again jumping slightly.  
“ Ok, Buddy...Time for bed...” Sam said smiling as he was getting up. Dean frowned and he stopped jumping. He didn’t want to go to bed especially after the news but he knew it was time so he turned to you and hugged you.  
“ Goodnight, mom...” He said. You hugged him back and kissed his head gently.  
“ Goodnight, baby...” You said and he pulled back smiling. He stood on the couch again and Sam leaned to pick him up. Dean lied comfortable in his arms with his hands around his Dad’s neck. You and Sam shared a smile and he went up the stairs as Dean’s eyelids were already getting heavy. You went to your room and changed just as Sam walked in. You kissed briefly and he changed too. You sat on the bed as Sam was folding his clothes when the door opened slowly and Dean looked inside. He smiled when he saw you weren’t asleep yet.   
“ Dean, what’s wrong?” You asked as both you and Sam turned to look at Dean confused.  
“ I forgot something...” He said and climbed on the bed next to you. You and Sam shared a puzzled look. Dean leaned and to your surprise he gave your belly a small kiss. “ Goodnight, baby...” He said to your belly smiling. Your heart flattered in your chest and a huge smile formed on your lips. You turned to look at Sam who looked back at you smiling with amazement. Dean got down of the bed. He said goodnight to you and Sam once more and Sam took him back to his room and you followed holding his slippers that he forgot in your room. You left them next to his bed as Sam was helping him get under the blanket. Once he was settled you and Sam kissed his head once more as he was falling asleep and you left the room smiling widely.   
“ That went well...” Sam said smiling once you lied on your bed and he was brushing your back.  
“ Yeah...” You said chuckling and lifted your head from his chest.You shared a tender kiss... You pulled back and made yourself comfortable in Sam’s arms as he made himself comfortable in yours and you both started falling asleep...  
You woke up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous again. It wasn’t that bad though. You managed to get back to sleep an hour later. In the weeks that followed your morning sickness got worse. This time it seemed to hit you mostly during the night and early morning. During the night it wasn’t that bad. It seemed to start during the afternoon. Not something you couldn’t handle. Just slight nausea. Then in the middle of the night you were waking up feeling awful. Feeling like you wanted to throw up but somehow you couldn’t. You were feeling so bad that sometimes you felt like crying. And then in the morning you’d wake up with your dinner making its way to your mouth and you spend most of your morning in the bathroom thowing up. Sam was trying to help as much as he could. He was waking up in the middle of the night with you. Walking with you around the house until you felt like going back to bed. You couldn’t go for a walk around the block. You couldn’t leave Dean alone. So you settled with opening the front door and taking deep breaths feeling the air hit your face. The mornings were especially difficult for Sam cause he had to take care of both Dean and you. He would go straight to wake up Dean and help him get dressed and you were hearing him ask how you were feeling every five minutes ready to run to you if you told him you were feeling worse than usual or you didn’t respond at all. By the time Dean was dressed and ready for breakfast you were feeling better too. You were finding Sam and Dean in the kitchen as Sam was making Dean breakfast. You were wishing each other goodmorning with a kiss and you were reassuring Sam that you were feeling better (and Dean who was worried too). Then you were walking out of the kitchen after kissing Dean goodmorning because the smell of food was making you feel nauseous again. Sam always brought you a glass of apple juice in the living room which was the only thing you could tolerate in the morning and sometimes not even that. Then Sam was returning to the kitchen to make breakfast for him and a sandwich for you to take with you at work. After Dean was done with his breakfast you helped him wash his teeth and put his jacket on for school and he was ready when the school bus arrived. Some mornings were more difficult than others. You’d wake up and spend the rest of your morning over the toilet...  
“(Y/N)?” You heard Sam’s worried voice just outside your room as he was taking Dean to the kitchen so he could have breakfast.  
“I’m fine...” You said but you didn’t get to finish your sentense because you threw up again. Sam made Dean breakfast as fast as he could and then he went back upstairs to find you still hugging the toilet. He came close to you fast pulling your hair back gently as you were throwing up once more. When you were done You sat on the floor trembling feeling your throat burning. You were taking deep breaths. Sam bruhed your back and handed you a lemon slice. He flashed the toilet before sitting next to you on the floor. You sniffed the lemon and you did feel a little better. The lemon still worked most days. You were feeling exhausted. The burning in your throat was going away but you couldn’t feel your legs and your hands were trembling a lot. Sam wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close to his chest as your breaths slowly returned to normal. You rested your head on his chest as he was brushing your back gently.  
“ Are you feeling any better?” He asked worried.   
“ I don’t think I can go to work today...” You chuckled exhausted. Your hands still trembling.  
“ I’ll call mrs Feegs...” Sam said helping you up. His arms wrapped around you protectively. He helped you to the bed. You climbed up.Your legs and arms feeling numb... Sam sat next to you and brushed your hand gently.   
“ DAD...I’M DONE WITH MY FOOD!” You heard Dean yell from the kitchen.  
“OK,DEAN” Sam yelled back so Dean could hear him. He turned to you smiling but you could see he was worried. He didn’t like leaving you alone when you weren’t feeling well. You reassured him that you’d be fine and you promised to call him if anything was wrong. He leaned and kissed your head tenderly before heading back to the kitchen to help Dean. You fell asleep imediately after he left... You woke up again about an hour before Dean would come back from school. You were feeling a lot better now after sleeping for a few hours. You weren’t feeling nauseous at all. You moved to the kitchen to cook something waiting for Dean. But when the door opened Sam walked in with Dean in his arms. He greeted you and explained that he picked up Dean so you wouldn’t have to wake up. He wanted to tell you before he left for work but you were already asleep. Dean run towards you and hugged you and then he started going on about his day as you all sat on the table for lunch. After you were all done you and Sam sat with Dean on the couch and you started making plans for his birthday party this Saturday...  
Jody came early this year again to help with all the cooking and preparations. Sam took care of most of the cooking since all the different smells made you nauseous. You helped Dean get dressed. It was hard to keep him occupied. He was so excited for his friends coming over. And he missed Cas too. He couldn’t stay in one place for more than a few minutes. You played with him till the first guest arrived and Dean went upstairs in his room with his friend. Soon everyone was there and the place was so loud and so full of people. You or Sam went upstairs every now and then to check on Dean and his friends. His room was already a mess! When it was time you called him and his friends downstairs so he could blow up the candles on his cake. You were sitting on the couch and Dean was standing in front of you as you had your arms around him brushing his little arms. Sam brought the cake in front of you and smiled to you and Dean. You both shared a proud smile because your baby was growing up and because he looked so happy with his party... You fixed the necklass on Dean’s neck and the charm his dad brought him when he was born shined at the candle light. He started wearing it as a necklass when he got a little older. You and Sam shared a smile as you started singing “happy birthday” and Dean blew up the candles. You served everyone cake. You had two big slices... After your guests were gone Jody and Cas stayed to help with cleaning up. You helped Dean clean up his room and the others cleaned up the living room and put away the leftovers. After you were all done Jody left after Dean gave her a big hug. You asked Cas if he wanted to stay and Dean pulled the sleeve of his trench coat saying “ Uncle Cas...pleaaaase...”. Cas smiled to him and decided to stay for the night. You took Dean to his bed. You tucked him in and when he asked you if you’d read to him tonight Sam walked in so you could give him his present together. You bought him another book and you saw Dean’s eyes turning wide with excitement when he saw that it was bigger than the others. He hugged you both and thanked you. He said goodnight to his dad and Sam kissed him goodnight back.  
“ I love you, dad...” Dean said with a smile .  
“ I love you too, buddy...” Sam said smiling back at Dean and he left the room smiling at you briefly. You smiled back at him as he was leaving and you opened the book and started reading. You didn’t read much though because you started feeling a little nauseous again. So once you saw Dean’s eyelids getting heavy you got up to let him sleep.  
“ Goodnight, mom...Goodnight,baby...” Dean murmured as he was falling asleep.  
“ Goodnight, Dean...” You said and kissed his head gently. “ I love you...” You smiled to him.  
“ I love you too, mom” He murmured again. You smiled to him sleeping so peacefully in his bed and you closed the door carefully so that you wouldn’t wake him up. You started heading to the living room as your nausea started getting worse. You joined Sam and Cas on the couch taking a deep breath. Cas touched your forehead and after a sharp pain your nausea was gone. You thanked him relieved and he smiled back to you. You , Sam and Cas spend about an hour talking and then you and Sam went to bed. Cas left the next morning after Dean woke up so he could say goodbye to him. In the weeks that followed you started feeling better and better. You were feeling less nauseous during the night but you were still throwing up in the morning. Around that time you had your second baby’s first ultrasound. You and Sam were very excited to see your second baby and find out that everything was fine. You also did get to hear your baby’s heart. You felt your heart flattering in your chest at the sound. Your eyes flooded just like they did when you first heard Dean’s heart! You saw Sam’s eyes getting wet too as he was smiling widely...! When you returned home Dean run to the door excited to see the “ baby’s photo”. You left him home with mrs Wright. When you said goodbye to her and thanked her for staying with Dean you and Sam sat on the couch with Dean between you to show him the ultrasound. It was a little hard for him to understand exactly where the baby was but you helped him showing him the head and the hands and the legs. After you were done Sam went to the kitchen to bring you something to eat as Dean was running his hand gently over your belly.   
“ Mom...” He started saying sitting on the couch more comfortable taking his hand from your belly. “ When will your belly grow?” He asked you.  
“ In a month or so...” You answered him smiling. Dean smiled back to you and brushed your belly once more as Sam brought you two sandwiches and a glass of apple juice before sitting next to Dean who lied comfortably in his arms. Your bely had already started growing but it wasn’t enough for Dean to notice. But you were already feeling your pants being very tight and you had already switched to the pants you used during the first months you were pregnant with Dean. But Dean would see the difference in a month or so. Since it was still early you and Sam got comfortable on the couch and watched a movie with Dean. He wanted to draw while he was watching the movie so he decided he wanted to sit on the carpet because it was more comfortable.You lied on Sam’s chest and he brushed your back with one hand and your belly with the other as you were both watching the movie and Dean at the same time. After the movie was done Dean climbed on the couch to show you his drawing. After you told him it was beautiful he realised he wanted to add something and he tried to climb off the couch and he almost stepped on your belly a little.  
“ Careful ,Dean...” You said gently. Dean looked back at your belly.  
“ Sorry,baby...” He said and brushed it a little. You and Sam chuckled. About an hour later Sam put Dean to bed and you both went to bed too. In the months that followed your nausea was completely gone. That made it easier for you to enjoy your food. You started having wierd cravings too. Mostly for sweets. You were trying to hold back but you couldn’t resist a slice of cake. You also started showing a little more now. Dean was very excited with that beacuse now it seemed to him like he could actually see the baby. He always remembered to kiss your belly and wish the baby goodmorning or goodnight or just goodbye. Sam also brushed your belly wishing the baby the same things and then he pressed his lips on yours. He pulled back to tell you how much he loved you. And you’d kiss him once more to tell him how much you loved him too. Now that your nausea was gone it was also easier for you to go on trips and visit Jody and Danny. You were very excited to visit Danny. He called you asking if you could visit because he wanted you to meet...  
“ Ashley...” Danny said excited introducing Ashley to you. She looked very shy when she shook your hands. But when Dean smiled to her she responded with a warm smile. She was fourteen years old. When Danny and Mark said they were thinking of adopting a child you were under the impression that they were thinking about a child around Dean’s age. Danny said that that was the plan at first. But then when he and Mark had to choose they couldn’t. So many children waiting to find a home. And choosing just one of them would be the hardest thing they’ve ever done. Danny said that the only child that didn’t really want to talk to them when they visitedthe children was Ashley. She was the older one there and she was fed up with watching children getting adopted, getting a family while she “ “missed her chance” as she put it...” You and Sam were listening to Danny closely as Ashley was playing with Dean a few meters away. Far enough not to hear Danny’s low voice. “ I aked her what she meant and she told me that she was too old. That everyone visiting was looking for a little child not a teenager. And I could see her point. Me and Mark were there thinking we would adopt a young child too. But after talking to Ashley I couldn’t see why it had to be this way. We left that day and we discussed it at home with Mark... I don’t know...” He smiled. “ There was a connection with Ashley from the first moment... We came back the next day asking to talk to her... She was so surprised when she saw us there again actually wanting to talk to her... We told her that we wanted to take her home with us and to my surpise she refused...” Danny chuckled. “ She thought we wanted her because we felt pity for her... But we reassured her that this was not the case... I...I told her that we couldn’t make up for all the years she lived without a family but...we wanted to be her family now... “ Danny smiled briefly looking at Ashley...“ I told her that we want her to be a part of our family and be there for her no matter what... not just till she turns 21... But whenever she need us...” Danny said and smiled to you and then at Ashley who smiled widely back. You and Sam told him that you were vey happy for him and Mark and of course Ashley. Danny thanked you and you could hear that maturity in his voice again... Ashley felt more comfortable with you as she got to know you. And she seemed truly happy with Danny and Mark. You stayed there for two days and you returned home and both you and Sam returned to work. Now that you were feeling better Sam was feeling more comfortable leaving you alone but still he didn’t really like the idea. He was still worried. The weekend that followed he and Dean went on a trip with Cas. You didn’t really want to go because the car still made you a little nauseous. Sam pressed his lips on yours in a tender kiss before leaving and you promised him you’d call if there was anything wrong. He brushed your belly protectively and wished you both goodbye. Dean kissed you and wished you goodbye and then kissed your belly to wish the baby goodbye too and they both left excited for their trip. Sam called in the morning and in the afternoon to check on you and then he’d give the phone to Dean a little who was very excited to tell you about his day and how much fun he had with Dad. Then Sam would take the phone and you’d speak for a little longer. When Sam was calling you in the morning he hung up fast because Dean was running away and he couldn’t keep up with him while speaking on the phone. From what Sam told you Cas had a lot of fun too. You were happy for them but you also missed them. And they missed you. When Sam opened the door on Sunday afternoon Dean run inside.  
“ Mooooooom!” He yelled excited and hugged your legs. You leaned and hugged him back as Sam was walking in holding their bags. You kissed Dean’s head and he kissed your cheek. He pulled back with a smile as Sam put down the bags to close the door. Dean found his and lifted it and started carrying it to his room.  
“ Dean, I’ll do that...” Sam said as you were getting close to him.  
“ No...I’ll carry it Dad...” Dean giggled breathlessly as he was going up the stairs. Normally you wouldn’t let him carry it because it would be too heavy but knowing he would want to you and Sam were always careful to make it light and put any extra weight in your bags. Sam chuckled watching Dean going up the stairs.  
“ Just like his mom...” He said with a smile. You smiled widely and wrapped your arms around his neck. He pressed his lips on yours as he wrapped his arms around you holding you tight. You moved your lips against his in a tender kiss. You pulled back and rested your head on Sam’s chest.“ I’ve missed you...” He said and kissed the top of your head. “ Both...” he added and brushed your belly with a smile.   
“ I’ve missed you too...” You said and brushed his hair and his neck. Dean run down the stairs and you turned towards him.   
“ Dean, slow down...” Sam said as you both got scared that he’d trip and fall.  
“ Ok, Dad...” Dean said going down the stairs smiling breathlessly. His eyes full of excitement to tell you all about his trip with Dad and uncle Cas. You and Sam shared another smile and he took his bag upstairs. You and Dean sat on the couch as Dean was going on and on and on about the trip so excited. Sam joined you in a few minutes. He sat next to Dean adding things to Dean’s stories every now and then. After Dean was done you all had dinner. Then Dean had a bath and you put him to sleep. He fell asleep the minute his head touched the pillow. He was very tired. You kissed his head gently and let him sleep. You joined Sam back on the couch. He brought a blanket and you both lied on the couch to watch a movie. Sam put his arms around you as you rested your head on his chest. He brushed your belly gently with his fingers as you were brushing the back of his hands. As you were watching the movie his fingers started moving slowly until they weren’t moving at all. He had fallen asleep... Dean wasn’t the only one who came back tired. You didn’t want to wake him up yet. He was lost in his sleep... You decided to watch the movie and then wake him up so you could go to bed together... You continued brushing his hand when you felt a slight movement...A slight movement that came from inside you! You made a sudden move into a more comfortable position! Your attention to your belly waiting to feel it again! Your heart flattering in your chest!Your movement woke up Sam.   
“ What’s wrong?” He asked worried when he saw your startled look. But you turned to him smiling.  
“ The baby is moving...” You said with a wide smile as you felt the baby move once more. You felt Sam relaxing next to you when he heard you. He got more comfortable on the couch with fast moves and brushed your belly waiting to feel your baby move. Your hand on his hand. Both of you waiting to feel it... And finally the baby moved again giving you a small kick. Your heart flattered again in your chest. You and Sam chuckled breathlessly.  
“ Hey there...” Sam said brushing your belly gently. You turned to look at Sam and you shared a huge smile full of love. You and Sam thought about calling Dean but you decided that it was best to tell him in the morning. He was very tired. And the baby would move again eventually.  
“ He is not the only one who’s so tired...” You said smiling gently as you brushed Sam’s hair. He chuckled tiredly. You pressed your lips on his in a brief but loving kiss and you got up. Sam got up too and you both headed to bed. He wrapped his arms around you protectively and you sighed content... He put his hand on your belly as you lied on your side just in case the baby moved again and you both drifted off...  
The next day after work you and Sam decided to take Dean to the playground. So you were waiting at home for Sam to come back so you could leave. You were sitting on the couch and Dean was sitting next to you brushing your belly when the baby moved again. Dean felt it. He turned to look at you. His eyes wide open with awe. You explained him that what he felt was the baby moving. He was so excited. When Sam opened the door he run to hug him.  
“ Dad, the baby moved!” He said smiling to Sam excited. Sam smiled back to him and they both sat next to you with their hands on your belly. The baby moved once more and you were all smiling with excitement...When you came back from the playground Sam helped Dean take a bath and then you both read to him to fall asleep.   
“ Mom, Dad...I love you...” He murmured. His eyes already closed and his voice almost a wisper. You and Sam shared a smile and you looked at Dean with so much love in your eyes. You and Sam told him you loved him too and you left the room. Sam closed the door behind him carefully not to wake Dean up...  
In the months that followed you had a few more ultrasounds that you and Sam were very excited to see. And so was Dean as his brother or sister was getting bigger and more active. Sometimes there were small bumps in your belly as the baby was changing positions. You still didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl. You were supposed to know. But in the ultrasound the baby was positioned in a way that the doctor couldn’t see the sex. But you didn’t really care. As long as the baby was healthy you didn’t care if it was a boy or a girl. At this point you also started having contractions just like you had with Dean preparing you for labor. As your belly was getting heavier your back ached too. You still wanted to drink as much apple juice as possible and you still had cravings for cake. Dean was very excited and he was looking forward for the baby to be born.He still talked to your belly greeting the baby. He especially loved it when he saw the baby move. And so did Sam. He was smiling widely when he got to see or feel the baby move...You also did get to visit Jody on a weekend and Dean was very happy to see her. You and Sam went home but you let Dean stay another day so you could have some time alone... You’ve missed each other a lot... And you enjoyed it a lot... You went to take him back the next day and by the time you arrived home he was already asleep. You kissed his head gently and Sam picked him up carefully to take him to his bed brushing his back gently. The next day you spend the whole day home with Dean. You and Sam were both sitting on the floor to play with Dean. You didn’t move a lot cause it was a little uncomfortable but you enjoyed playing with Dean. You only took a break for lunch and then you and Sam read Dean a book and played with him a little more.As it was almost time for dinner you and Sam shared a smile and you got up to cook something. Dean now was watching some pictures on Sam’s phone asking all shorts of questions. You put the food in the oven and you stood just outside the kitchen watching them talk. Sam was holding his phone sitting on the couch now. Dean was sitting next to him looking at the photos excited. They were both smiling and having fun... You smiled at the sight...   
“ Dad...who’s that?” Dean asked at some point showing Sam someone on the picture. You couldn’t see who it was but you saw Sam swallowing hard.  
“ That’s...That’s Charlie...” He said chuckling turning to look at Dean. You could hear the pain in his voice. Sam looked at the picture again and swallowed hard once more. “ She was a good friend...” He said to Dean trying to smile. Dean was looking at the picture. It was the first time he ever saw Charlie. You had showed him a lot of pictures over the years. He knew about uncle Dean and that you named him after him but he had never seen Charlie before. You knew the pictures brought back memories to Sam as they did to you.  
“ Dean...” You called him smiling. “ Dinner is almost ready... Will you help me?” You asked to prevent him from asking any more questions. He run in the kitchen and helped you as much as he could to serve dinner. Sam joined you a few minutes later. You could see he was feeling down. He didn’t eat much. Once Dean was done with his dinner you put his plate in the sink and turned to him.  
“ Dean...Time for bed...” You said smiling at him.  
“ Ok, mom...” He said and got off his chair. He moved close to Sam and hugged him. “ Goodnight, Dad...”  
“ Goodnight, buddy...” Sam said brushing Dean’s back. Dean pulled back and followed you to his room. You read to him a few pages of his book and got up to leave and let him sleep.  
“ Goodnight, mom...Goodnight, baby...” He said with a smile. You wished him goodnight too kissing his head gently and you left the room. Sam had already changed and he had lied down. He smiled to you when you entered the room. You smiled back to him. You changed your clothes and lied on the bed resting rour head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around you. You didn’t stay like that for long. You lifted your head and looked at him.  
“ Are you alright?” You said brushing his hair gently. He took a deep breath. A painful expression in his face.  
“ No...” He said in a slightly gruff voice exhaling deeply. You knew he was still blaming himself for Charlie’s death. And nothing could ever make him feel better about this... You knew that there was nothing you could say to make him feel better...You kissed his lips briefly in a soft kiss and you brushed his hair and his neck gently trying to comfort him. He rested his head on your shoulder feeling your comforting touch. You kissed his head feeling his every breath as you were brushing his back... You stayed awake until he fell asleep just holding him in your arms... In the morning he woke you up because you had to take Dean to the playground and Cas would visit in the afternoon. He had already made breakfast. You could see he was feeling better and that made you relax... You heard Dean’s little feet on the hallway. The door opened and he entered the room. Both you and Sam turned to look at him smiling.  
“ Morning ,mom...morning,Dad...Morning, baby...” He said smiling too before climbing in the bed next to you and next to Sam ( who was sitting next to you). “ I’m hungry...” He said. Sam got up.  
“ Ok, buddy...Breakfast’s ready...” Sam said chuckling and lifted up Dean. You shared a smile as you were getting up to join them for breakfast. As your day went on Sam cheered up and you both had a great time at the playground with Dean. Dean also enjoyed it a lot since you found some of his friends there and he got to play with them. He was very tired when you returned home. Sam helped him take a bath as you were preparing lunch. After he took his bath he sat on the couch to watch tv and Sam joined you in the kitchen to help you. You shared a loving kiss and Sam brushed your belly gently as you passed him the spoon to take over the food cause your back started aching again.  
“ Dean...Lynch is ready...” Sam said when he served Dean food. He got no answer. You shared a confused look. You got up and you both moved to the living room to see if Dean was still on the couch or upstairs. Dean was still on the couch but he had fallen asleep. One leg hanging from the couch. He was so sweet. Sleeping peacefully... Taking deep breaths lost in his sleep...You and Sam shared a smile full of love for your baby.  
“ I’ll take him to his bed...” Sam wispered smiling. You nodded still smiling too. Sam carefully lifted him up. You brushed Dean’s back and his hair and Sam put him to sleep. You waited for Sam to return and you both went to the kitchen and had lunch. After you were done Sam washed the dishes and joned you in the couch. He pressed his lips on yours in a firm, loving kiss and sat next to you feeling your belly as your second baby was moving. You put your hand on Sam’s brushing his fingers when the doorbell rang. Sam got up to open the door and you got up too to greet Cas. Cas walked in once Sam opened the door and greeted you both. He hugged Sam with a smile and pulled back. Sam stepped aside so Cas could hug you. You hugged him back smiling too. When you pulled back Cas brushed your belly gently.  
“ She’s growing up...” He said with his gruff voice smiling to you and Sam. You and Sam shared a startled look! Your heart flattered in your chest! She?! You and Sam looked at Cas with your eyes wide open!  
“ It’s a girl?” Sam asked looking at Cas smiling.  
“ Yeah...” Cas said casually. You and Sam looked at each other and chuckled. You were having a girl! You would have a daughter! You brushed your belly as both you and Sam where looking at your baby girl with so much love in your eyes! Cas’ face took a puzzled expression. “ I thought you knew...” He said gruffly not sure if he did right to tell you or not. You and Sam chuckled again.  
“ We didn’t have the chance to find out yet...” You said smiling widely. Cas smiled back.  
“ Where’s Dean?” He asked confused that he didn’t run to hug him like he usually did when he visited you.  
“ He’s sleeping...” Sam answered smiling at Cas.  
“ He should wake up any time now...” You said looking at Sam. He nodded and all of you sat on the couch. You started talking and soon Dean came down the stairs.  
“ Mom,Dad...Can I have some apple juice...” He said sleepily brushing his eyes as he was going down the stairs.   
“ Yeah...” Sam said with a smile and got up to head to the kitchen just as Dean opened his eyes.  
“ UNCLE CAS!” Dean yelled excited when he spotted Cas. He run towards you in high speed to get to Cas and hug him.  
“ Dean, slow down!” You said as Dean was running fast and you got scared he’d fall.  
“ Ok, Mom...” Dean said as he climbed on the couch to hug Cas. After hugging him he turned and hugged you. You kissed his head as he brushed your belly. “ Hello,Baby...” Dean said to your belly. Sam chuckled as he walked out of the kitchen. He told Dean that his food was ready and you all went to the kitchen with him to keep him company. You spend the rest of the afternoon playing with Dean. When Dean started feeling sleepy again Sam put him to sleep reading to him just a few pages because he fell asleep immediately. You were also tired so you took a shower before bed. You were a little lost in your thoughts. You would have a baby girl! You were feeling so happy... Just like when you found out you would have a boy when you were pregnant with Dean... And you already had a name in mind for your girl... When you were done with your shower you joined Sam to bed. He seemed a little lost in his thoughts too. When you lied next to him he pressed his lips on the top of your head in a tender kiss and gently brushed your belly. You sighed with content in his arms. You closed your eyes briefly.  
“ I was thinking about the name...” You said opening them again.  
“ Me too...” Sam said in a gruff voice nodding to you.  
“ I think we should name her Charlie...” You said in a calm steady voice offering Sam a small smile.  
“ Yeah...” Sam said smiling to you and his voice sounded gruff again. “ It sounds fitting...” He chuckled brushing your belly as your baby girl changed position.  
“ Yeah, it does...” You said calmly smiling too. You paused for a moment and you continued brushing your belly too. “ Charlie was family...” You said and your voice sounded a little gruff this time. Sam took a deep breath. He cleared his throat.  
“ Yeah, she was...” He said gruffly again. You could hear the pain in his voice. You turned to look at him and you shared a loving kiss. You pulled back and Sam looked at your belly smiling again. “Charlie it is...” He said with a smile brushing it gently.  
“ Charlie it is...” You repeated with a smile too. You shared a tender kiss. You brushed his hair and he brushed your hand... Your lips moving gently against each other’s... You pulled back...   
“ (Y/N)...” He started saying in a serious tone “ You and Dean and...Charlie...” He said looking at your belly with a small smile. “Are everything to me ...” He said in a very serious tone looking at you. You brushed his hair and pulled him in for a loving kiss. You pulled back and brushed his cheek and his hair.   
“ You...and our babies are everything to me too....” You said and pulled him in for another kiss. He moved his lips against yours in a strong kiss... You pulled back smiling at each other... You shared another brief but tender kiss and you turned around and lied on your side. You couldn’t lie on your back anymore. Your belly was too heavy. Sam wrapped his arms around you protectively and placed his hand on your belly. His thumb making soft circles. You put your hand on his and run your fingers between his. He brushed your fingers gently with his and you both started falling asleep feeling comfortable in each other’s arms...  
The next day you told Dean that he would have a baby sister. It didn’t make much difference to him. He already loved the baby boy or girl. You told him that you would name her Charlie. He nodded with a smile and turned to your belly.  
“ Hi, Charlie...” He said and brushed your belly with a smile. You and Sam shared a wide smile...  
In the months that followed your belly got even bigger and you started feeling even more uncomfortable. The weight made your back ache a lot and your movements slower. You had to visit the doctor more often now to make sure everything was fine. Around that time you started designing Charlie’s room. Dean helped you and Sam pick the colours of the walls. Her room was slightly smaller than Dean’s but it was still big enough to feel comfortable when she grows up. You and Dean stayed a few days with Jody as you had the room painted. The smell was irritating you and Dean couldn’t possibly bear it with his asthma.Sam came to see you twice during that week and you all returned home when the paint was completely dry and the smell gone. You put Dean’s crib in Charlie’s room. You had stored it away when Dean started sleeping in his bed. Dean was very excited to help with “ the baby’s room” and you let him do simple tasks supervising him. With your due date approaching you and Sam also packed the bag for the hospital being ready to leave at any time. You also explained Dean what to expect when you had to go to the hospital. The plan was to leave him with Mrs Wright when time comes and Sam would pick him up after the baby was born so he could visit you and Charlie. Dean was looking forward for Charlie to be born and so did Sam. You were looking forward to. Your discomfort was getting worse. You were feeling very tired and it was hard for you to get comfortable no matter where you sit or in what position. But you were also looking forward to meet your second baby just like you looked forward to meeting Dean. But you were also scared. You knew what to expect. But just like when you were about have Dean you were feeling nervous... With just a few days till your due date your contractions were getting stronger. But your due date has passed and you hadn’t gone into labor yet. You were trying to be patient...  
“ But I can’t get comfortable no matter what I do... And I’ve had mild contractions all day...” You said to Jody as you were sitting together on the couch a week after your due date. You were waiting for Sam and Dean. Dean had a part in a play at school and Jody had come to watch him with you and Sam. You spend the last month rehearshing with Dean to make sure he knew his poem. It was a play about the seasons and he had a poem in the beginning of the play introducing them. Sam was upstairs with him helping him get ready.   
“ Mom, Jody...I’m ready!” Dean yelled excited as he was going down the stairs. You turned to look at him. He was so happy and so nervous. You and Sam shared a proud smile for your baby as Dean was running towards the door ready to leave. Sam went down the stairs and helped you stand. You all put your jackets on and you helped Dean put his jacket on too. Sam kissed the top of your head tenderly and brushed your belly gently. You shared a small smile. You were both very excited to see Dean on stage...Dean brushed your belly too smiling at the baby first and then at you. You smiled back at him as Sam picked him up and opened the door and you all started heading out. But just as you were standing at the door you heard a small pop... You froze! You knew what that meant! You felt water driping soaking your underwear and your pants a little! You were filled with excitement and fear!Your heart started beating like a drum!   
“ Sam...” You said calmly but your heart was racing! You could hear it in your ears! Sam turned to look at you with Dean still in his arms. “ It’s time...” You chuckled nervously...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter on April 11... :-)


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having a second baby...

“ It’s time...” You said and you saw Sam’s eyes turning wide open looking straight in yours.Jody turned to look at you too. She was taken by surprise too. Your heart was beating so hard you could hear it in your ears.Dean was just looking at you and then at Sam trying to understand what was going on.

“ We have to go to the hospital...” Sam said in a gruff voice coming back from the shock. His tone urgent. His voice trembled a little. He kissed Dean’s head and put him down gently.

“ What’s going on...?” Dean asked.

“The baby is coming...” You exlained to Dean with a calm smile but your heart was still racing in your chest. A strong contraction hit you. Not very painful yet... You brushed your belly taking a deep breath to feel better. Sam brushed Dean’s hair briefly and rushed to get your bag from your room. Dean was still looking at you not sure how he should react. Hhe knew you had to go to the hospital now but all the excitement and rush were still new to him. And of course there was also the play. You and Sam were supposed to take him to the play but now that the baby was coming what would happen? You brushed Dean’s hair ready to go upstairs too to change. Jody smiled to you encouragingly understanding your heart was beating really fast in your chest. You smiled back at her nervously. Jody took Dean to the living room to “wait for Mom and Dad” and you went upstairs to put on more comfortable clothes. As you were changing you felt your contractions getting more painful. As you were taking off your shirt you gasped as you were getting over another contraction that was quite painful this time. Sam rushed to you to help you. Once you were dressed you lied on the bed to relax a little as Sam put your clothes in the closet. Your contractions got more painful fast. You were feeling like everything inside you were squeezing together. Your back ached a lot too. You had to close your eyes a couple of times to handle it. Your breaths became bigger and you were exhaling deeply trying to relieve some of the pain. Sam was in a hurry understanding too that things went a little faster than you expected. As Sam was closing your bag and you made an effort to sat on the bed Dean walked in followed by Jody. He didn’t want to wait in the living room...

“ Mom, Dad...Do you have to go to the hospital?” He asked moving to sit next to you on the bed.

“ Yes, baby...” You said brushing his hair, smiling calmly. You didn’t want him to see you in pain cause it would scare him... You had already explained him what would happen when it would be time for Charlie to be born. He knew you had to go to the hospital. And so you knew there was another reason he was asking...

“ Yeah...But do you have to go now?” He asked looking at Sam and then at you. You and Sam looked at each other. You knew what he was talking about. He wanted you both to watch the play tonight. And he was also a little nervous being on stage again. You and Sam wanted to be there too! You didn’t want to miss your baby’s play! But you also knew that you had to get to the hospital as fast as you could. Your contractions were getting more painful as time went by...Sam kneeled in front of Dean and brushed his hair and then his little arms.

“ Buddy...Mom and I have to get to the hospital **right now**... We really sorry we can’t be there...” Sam said and kissed Dean’s head. “But Jody will take you to the play...” Sam said smiling and turned to smile at Jody who smiled to Dean encouragingly.

“But I wanted you and Mom to watch it...” You couldn’t help but smile. It was important for him you and Sam to watch his performance. Your heart tightened a little. Both you and Sam really wanted to be there... You brushed Dean’s hair and continued smiling at him gently.

“ We **will** watch it!...” Sam said in a determined tone. “Jody will take a video so we’ll watch it later with you... and Charlie...” Sam said and Dean’s face was brightened by a smile. The idea of watching the play with mom and Dad **and** Charlie made him feel so happy and excited... You smiled too watching Dean feeling better... “ And don’t worry...Everything will be alright...” Sam continued to soothe your baby. He smiled and spoke again “ We’re very proud of you, Dean...” He added in a serious tone and leaned to kiss Dean’s head gently. When he pulled back Dean smiled widely at his Dad and then he turned to smile widely at you. You leaned to kiss his head too.

“ You’re going to be great,baby...” You said smiling at him and your eyes got a little wet. You were feeling so proud... “ You’re going to be amazing...” You continued brushing Dean’s hair. You felt another contraction but you were able to ignore it. Dean smiled back to you feeling more confident.You huged him and he hugged you back.

“ I love you so much, Dean...” You said and kissed his head once more.

“ I love you too, Mom...” He murmured in your arms.

“ Bye, Baby...” You said giving him another sweet kiss.

“ Bye, Mom...” He said with a smile and kissed your cheek. Your heart flattered in your chest. He pulled back and hugged your belly briefly. “Bye, Charlie...” He said and brushed your belly a little. Smiling before climbing down the bed. He huged Sam who was still kneeling. “ Bye, Dad...I love you...” He said. Sam brushed his back.

“ I love you too, Buddy...” He said and kissed Dean’s hair. Dean pulled back smiling. “ You and Jody will call us to tell us about the play...” Sam chuckled.

“ Yes, Dad...” Dean said smiling. Jody kissed you goodbye and told you she’d stay with Dean tonight so you wouldn’t have to call Mrs Wright. A few minutes later she and Dean were gone and Sam was helping you go down the stairs. You were feeling your back ache so much that it made your legs feel numb. And you felt your contractions spreading to your whole belly reaching your stomach... taking your breath away... Sam helped you to the car. He opened the door and helped you to the passenger’s seat. He put the bag in the back seat and rushed to the driver’s seat to start the car...

During the ride your contractions got really painful! You were feeling like everything inside you was getting so tight that there was no room for your lungs... You felt again like somehow the air made it through your mouth but never made it to your lungs... It was like you couldn’t breathe! Your whole belly ached like everything inside you was mashed together! And your belly felt so hard! You remembered the feeling. It was the same when you had Dean. But this time things seemed to move a lot faster.Your contractions got even more frequent! And even more painful! Fast!...You started gasping trying to deal with the pain! Sam’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel. He was holding it so tight! And he was driving as fast as he could! He was talking to you. Trying to encourage you and keep your mind busy so that you wouldn’t think of the pain. His voice gruff and slightly trembling. You were only nodding... You were trying to handle the pain. But it was getting even worse... You already started feeling exhausted and you were sweaty!But the pain was only getting worse... You were feeling everything squeez together inside you. The pain was so strong you couldn’t breathe. And when a contraction was over you were leaving a gasp. Then you started breathing heavily trying to take in as much air as you could before the next contraction. The sweat made you feel cold as you were getting to relax between contractions. Your whole body trembling because of pain and exhaustion. Sam reached for your hand. He brushed it gently. His hand trembling a little too. You brushed his too with your trembling hand. And then you squeezed it as you closed your eyes trying to handle another contraction... By the time you got to the hospital your contractions were really frequeant. You weren’t sure how much time you had till you give birth. Sam rushed out of the car. He opened the back door and put the bag on his hands and then rushed to open the door to your side. He helped you out of the car and you both started walking as fast as you could to the hopsital. Sam’s arms around you to support you. When you got in nurses were around you. They transfered you to a room. You barely paid any attention to that. You were in so much pain. Once you were lying on the bed a midwife checked your dialation. 6cm already! Things were moving fast. Moments later you had an epidural! Sam was hoding your hand brushing it gently. You closed your eyes as the pain and your fear of needles was kicking in! After the epidural was done you expected to start feeling better. You were lying on your side for fifteen minutes waiting for it to work. Sam was next to you holding your hand trying to encourage you. “ You’re doing great, (Y/N)” He told you trying to smile. His voice gruff. His hand was trembling like yours. You were breathing heavily trying to handle the pain...

Finally the pain reduced... Soon you were able to handle it again...But it wasn’t completely gone... You could still feel your belly tightening... And it was still painful... With Dean you were barely feeling anything after the epidural. When you were able to lie on your back again and catch a breath you were still feeling some pain. But you could bear it... But the epidural didn’t work as well as it did when you had Dean and you started getting worried about how long it would last... You couldn’t have another injection for the next four hours... But you didn’t want to either! You didn’t want any more needles in your spine!

You started breathing more comfortably now...You were feeling exhausted already. Sam was still brushing your hand.You brushed his hand too.

“ Are you feeling better?” He asked and his voice sounded gruff again.

“ Yeah...” You said smiling breathlessly. Sam smiled back exhaling deeply.

“ You should try and get some sleep...” He said again smiling at you encouragingly. And leaned to press his lips on yours in a tender kiss. You moved your lips against his brushing his hair gently. You pulled back and looked in his eyes.

“ I love you...” He said looking straight in yours.

“ I love you too...” You said smiling at him. You shared one more kiss and you lied more comfortably on the bed. You closed your eyes trying to get some rest as you were feeling your belly tighten again with every contraction. Sam was still brushing your hand and it made you relax. You could still feel his fingers trembling a little though. A few minutes later you heard Sam’s phone ring. You opened your eyes and looked at him as he was getting his phone out of his pocket. He looked at it.

“ It’s Jody...” He said smiling at you. You smiled back. It was probably Dean who wanted to talk to you. Sam answered the phone and put Jody on speaker.

“ Sam...” You heard Jody on the phone.

“ Hey, Jody...” Sam said smiling.

“ Dean wants to talk to mom and Dad...” Jody chuckled and gave Dean the phone. You could hear people talking in the backround. They probably weren’t home yet.

“MOM,DAD!” You heard Dean’s loud and excited voice on the phone. You and Sam shared a smile. “ The play was great!” Dean continued in the same tone. You and Sam congratulated him and told him how proud you were of him again. Dean continued. “Jody took a video and we’ll watch it together!” He continued excited. “ Is the baby born yet?!” Dean asked impatiently.

“ Not yet, Buddy...” Sam answered smiling.

“ You tell me when the baby is born!” Dean continued excited.

“ We will, Dean...” You said smiling to reassure him. “ But you won’t stay up waiting for the baby...ok?... You’ll go to bed on time...” You said in a serious tone.

“ Ok, Mom...” Dean said in the same excited tone. You and Sam shared a smile doubting he would get to sleep at all tonight. “Mom, Dad...Jody wants to talk to you... Bye...” Dean said and you heard Jody taking the phone.

“ How is it going?” She asked.

“ It might be faster than we thought...” You said in a nervous tone. Sam noticed that and brushed your hand to soothe you. Jody asked you to call her when Charlie would be born and then told you she’d take Dean home before hanging up. You lied back on the bed feeling your belly getting hard with every contraction as Sam called Cas to tell him the news. Cas told you that he’d be there as fast as he could...

You checked Sam’s watch as he was brushing your hand. You’ve been in the hospital an hour and a half. You were feeling your contractions getting more frequent and despite the epidural more painful. You could still handle it but you were feeling the pain getting stronger again. You started holding your breath again trying to deal with the pain. Breathing heavily after every contraction. Sam was still holding your hand. Wiping the sweat from your forehead as you started sweating again.

“ You’re doing great, ( Y/N)...” He told you smiling at you nervously. Trying to encourage you. You didn’t answer him. All your focus was in handling the pain that was getting worse. And worse...And even worse...! Soon you started trembling again and with every contraction you were feeling your belly tighten so hard! Everything inside you squeezed together! Your breath was taken away by the pain! Your eyes teared... Sam was kissing your head every now and then to soothe you...Telling you to hold on... Your contractions were so close now you could barely breathe! Tears were running down your eyes uncontrolably... You were leaving painful sounds squeezing Sam’s hand so hard his fingers turned red! He continued to brush yours nervously as both his hands and voice were trembling!...You felt like you couldn’t handle it anymore! You couldn’t breathe! You felt like the pain was so strong it swallowed you whole! It was so strong you were feeling nauseous! And it only got worse! You were crying now! Your ears were buzzing! You were feeling like you would throw up or faint! You could barely breathe! Your belly was so tight you could barely move! SO MUCH PAIN! Tears flooding your vision! You were trembling violently! You didnt seem to get any break from the pain! You were leaving painful sounds every now and then! But it wasn’t loud because your voice could barely get out! And the only thing that reached you was Sam’s voice telling you to hold on...

“ Just a little longer!” You left another sound and you lied back on the bed breathing heavily! Trembling! Tears running down your eyes! AND AGAIN! Another contraction! You were holding Sam’s hand so tight his fingers were getting numb! He kissed your head as your voice barely came out! Brushing your hair with his trembling hand! “ (Y/N), You’re doing great...!” You were breathing heavily again! Gasping and crying! SO MUCH PAIN! And finally! FINALLY!!! THE URGE TO PUSH!

“ Sam...Sam...” You said after that contraction...Breathing heavily and trembling. Your eyes flooding.

“ Yeah...” Sam said to you in a nervous and somewhat scared tone looking at you brushing your hair and wiping some tears from your cheeks and instantly there were more tears to take their place.

“ I feel...” You gasped. “ I feel like pushing...” You said and your voice tailed down to a wisper.

“ OK...Alright...” He said in a trembling voice and kissed your head again before leaving your side briefly to call someone...

You were in the hospital for a little more than two hours and when the midwife checked you were already dialated 10cm! In a few minutes you were already set in the delivery room! Sam next to you! You were getting ready to push! You’ve been through so much pain that you just wanted it to be over! You just wanted to meet your baby girl! You wanted to push and get on with it! Sam was holding your hand still brushing it gently. Now your contractions were very intense but you had a few minutes to relax between every contraction. Sam’s hand was trembling just like yours. You looked at him and he looked back at you smiling nervously... You shared a firm and loving kiss...

“ You can do this, (Y/N)...” He said in a gruff voice brushing your hair. You shared another tender kiss. “ Just a little longer...” He said in the same gruff voice and kissed the top of your head. His trembling thumb running circles on your trembling hand to comfort you...

Your doctor walked in ready to deliver your second baby.

“ ( Y/N), Everything is going to be alright...” He said to you calmly. You nodded smiling a little eager to push! The doctor took position and spoke to you once more. “Now...with your next contraction...You push as hard as you can...” He said calmly again. You remembered thst from Dean’s birth. Everything would be alright! Like they were then!You nodded and got ready waiting for your next contraction... And it hit... The pain was unbearable! Your belly tightened so much! You couldn’t breathe! But you gained all your strength and pushed! It was SO PAINFUL! Your eyes flooded again! Your ears were buzzing! You couldn’t hear anything! You were smashing Sam’s hand! Your mouth opened in a silent scream! And you relaxed but your contraction was still on! Eveything inside you was still squeezing together!IT WAS UNBEARABLE! “Again!” You heard your doctor’s voice in the brief moment your ears cleared! And you did push again! With all your strength! As hard as you possibly could! Tears running down your eyes! Feeling like your face and chest were on fire! And you relaxed! For a brief moment again! And...you pushed again! AS HARD AS YOU COULD! SO PAINFUL! More tears running down your cheeks! Excruciating pain! And your contraction was over... You fell back to relax. Sam’s arm was there brushing your shoulder gently as you were breathing heavily. Your fingers relaxed but Sam was still holding your hand tight. Your ears cleared and you heard the voices around you again...

“ You’re doing great...” Sam’s voice reached you. You felt his lips on the top of your head in a firm kiss. You closed your eyes briefly breathing heavily! “ Just a little more...” He said as he was brushing your shoulder and the pack of your hand... You swallowed hard.

“ Ok ( Y/N)...With your next contraction get ready to push again...” Your doctor said in a calm soothing voice. You nodded... “ Your baby girl will be here soon...” He said and a wide smile formed on your face as you were getting ready to push again. Sam chuckled breathlessly next to you... And a few seconds later you felt your next contraction coming! And it hit you again! And the pain was once again excruciating! UNBEARABLE! But you pushed! YOU PUSHED! With everything you had! With all your strength! Tears running down your cheeks! Sam’s hand getting smashed under your grip! You gasped!...And again! You pushed! Your contraction SO intense and Painful! You couldn’t breathe! But you pushed! Everything was so damn stretched! SO PAINFUL! AND AGAIN! You pushed once again! With all your strength! You couldn’t hear anything! Your ears were buzzing so loudly! Your eyes flooding! And your contraction was gone again... You fell back once more on Sam’s arm. Your fingers relaxed trembling...Sam’s trembling grip didn’t relax again... He was just brushing the back of your hand. His voice reached you as the buzzing in your ears was going away...

“ Just a little longer... (Y/N), you’re doing great...” He said in a gruff voice and kissed your head once more. He let your hand go for a little to brush your hair back and he run his fingers between yours brushing them for a few seconds and then he held your trembling hand again... “One more time...” He said in the same gruff voice and kissed the top of your head tenderly to encourage you. You closed your eyes briefly to enjoy the comfort of his kiss...

“Ready?” Your doctor asked...You nodded swallowing hard. “ with your next contraction...” He said and you took a deep trembling breath getting ready to push again when your contraction hit! And again the pain was unbearable! EXCRUSIATING! Everything stretched! Everything tight! Everything hard! You pushed with all your strength! YOU PUSHED! It was UNBEARABLE! Your whole body ached! Your grip so tense! You couldn’t breathe! And you pushed again! With all your strength! And again!!!! SO MUCH PAIN!!! So much effort! And you contraction was over again... You fell back again feeling exhausted and nauseous... Breathing heavily! Your whole body trembling! Your hand still in Sam’s hand resting...You closed your eyes and you felt tears running down your cheeks again. Tears that didn’t leave your eyes during the last contraction...

“ (Y/N), Get some rest... And get ready to push again for the last time...” You heard your doctor say as the buzzing was going away again... The last time... It will be over soon... Soon you’ll meet your baby girl... You lied in Sam’s arms comfortably. You could feel his fast breaths on his chest. He was holding you tight...

“ Hold on, ( Y/N)...” You heard his voice gruff and worried as you were barely moving in his hands. You were only breathling heavily trying to gain your strength to push once more... For the last time... You turned your head and with your eyes still closed you rested it on the crook of his neck. You heard his heartbeat beating like a drum. “ I’m right here...” He said and kissed your head firmly once more. You opened your eyes again and took a few deep breaths getting ready to push. You held Sam’s hand tight...

“ OK...( Y/N)...Give me a good push...” Your doctor said. You felt your contraction hitting again!!! The pain was UNBEARABLE AGAIN! Excruciating! Everything so tight! Everything SO stretched! You couldn’t breathe! You were in SO MUCH PAIN! You pushed! You pushed with all your strength! As hard as you possibly could! Your eyes flooded again! Your whole body trembling! SO MUCH PAIN! Your ears buzzing! You couldn’t handle it! You had to handle it!!! “ Come on...( Y/N)” You heard your doctor’s voice from far away! And you pushed! YOU PUSHED! So hard! With all the strength you had! SO PAINFUL!!!! SO STRETCHED! You couldn’t take it anymore! Your mouth opened in a silent scream! Tears leaving your eyes! Eveything SO stretched!!!! So painfull!!!! And you started burning!!! Excruciating burning! You moaned in pain! Your baby girl was getting out of you!!! “ Once more!” Your doctor said again! You pushed once more! Your whole body trembling! Your grip so tight on Sam’s hand! Your eyes flooded once more... And... Your contraction was gone again...

You lied back again breathing heavily! Your heart beating like a drum! You were still holding Sam’s hand so tight waiting for the buzzing in your ear to clear to hear it... Sam was frozen! Looking towards the doctor! Holding you tight! He chuckled breathlessly! And your ears cleared...and you heard it... Your baby girl crying... And seconds later the midwife came close to you carrying your baby...Your hands were trembling! She put your baby in your arms and you wrapped your trembling arms around her! Your beautiful baby girl! She stopped crying when she felt you! She just turned and rested her little hand on your chest.

“ Hello, baby...” You said asyour eyes flooded and your heart was flatteing in your chest so hard! Her little hand that was a tiny fist. You brushed her cheek as your eyes were flooding again! Your baby girl! Your heart was beating like a drum! You could hear it in your ears! Your vision was getting blurry and you were blinking to clear your eyes to look at your baby girl! A huge smile on your face! And you turned to look at Sam who was looking at your baby girl with his mouth open and his eyes wet! He was brushing your back. His hand trembling. He chuckled breathlessly and kissed the top of your head tenderly still brushing your back. He moved his hand and brushed your girl’s cheek. Charlie moved her little fist and held her dad’s finger with her tiny fingers. You heard Sam sniff next to you... And then chuckle breathlessly again... You turned to look at him and you shared a huge smile! Full of love for your baby girl! Both your eyes wet! And then you shared a firm and loving kiss still holding your baby girl in your arms! You pulled back smiling and you both turned back to your baby girl chuckling breathlessly...

“ Hello, baby girl...” Sam said in a gruff voice brushing Charlie’s cheek gently. She made a sweet noise and turned her head towards her Dad’s hand. She yawned in your arms and your heart flattered in your chest again. She turned her head and rested it on Sam’s palm again. She was so tiny! So beautiful! Just like Dean was! The midwife took her from your arms and Sam followed her to cut the umbilical cord. You were looking at each other sharing excited smiles full of love for your baby girl! Your eyes still wet! Once Sam cut the cord he returned next to you and you shared a loving kiss... You looked with a wide smile on your faces and your eyes till wet as they were taking her away to clean her...

“ Dean will be so excited...” Sam said chuckling breathlessly again.

“ Yes...” You replied chuckling breathlessly too. Your voice trembling a little because of exhaustion. You and Sam shared a huge smile... You loved your babies so much!...

You stayed there for a while so that you could deliver the placenta. Then you waited a little longer so you could get some rest and make sure that nothing was wrong. You didn’t need any stitches again. Then the nurses helped you change and cleaned you up a bit and soon you and Sam were in a postpartum room. Sam helped you lie on the bed. You were so tired you felt like the mattress could swallow you. You got comfortable in the bed. Sam kissed you and left the room to get you something to eat cause you were FAMISHED! YOU WERE STARVING! You felt like that again the morning when you had Dean. You were waiting for your food and for the nurses to bring you Charlie. Sam was back really fast and sat on the bed next to you just as the door opened and they brought you your baby girl. Both you and Sam turned to look at the door with a huge smile on your faces.

“ She is asleep...” The nurse told you in a low voice... “ But maybe she is hungry...” She told you as she was getting Charlie in her arms passing her to you. She put her gently in your arms and both you and Sam were looking at her awed. Sam brushed her cheek gently again.

“ Hello, Charlie...” He said in a gentle voice.

“ Hello, baby girl...” You said too. The nurse helped you get the top of your gown off to reveal your breast. Sam was brushing your back watching your baby girl in your first attempt to feed her. Since you had already done this with Dean you already knew how to make this work and Charlie got the hang of it really fast. She wasn’t very hungry though so she stopped and yawned once more. You smiled to her and you gently passed her to Sam. He put his hand carefully under her head and took her in his arms with a huge smile on his face. You put your gown back on as Sam was brushing Charlie’s head gently. She continued yawning until she fell completely asleep. You and Sam shared a huge smile and your heart flattered in your chest. He carefully passed your baby girl back to you. You leaned and kissed her head gently and then the nurse put her back to her little bed. She was so tiny! And so beautiful! You told the nurse that Charlie would spend the night at the nursery and she could drink formula if she was hungry. So both you and Sam waved goodbye to your baby girl with a huge smile. And once Charlie was gone you called Jody to see what your first baby was doing.

“ He fell asleep on the couch...” She told you chuckling when Sam called her. You smiled and continued eating as Jody was talking to both you and Sam. He chuckled and Jody continued. “ He was waiting for you to call but eventually he fell asleep...”

“ Should we wake him up?” Sam asked turning to look at you.

“ No...” You said swallowing. “ He won’t be able to sleep again...” You chuckled.

“ Right...” Sam chuckled too thinking how excited Dean would be.

“ So how’s your baby girl?” Jody asked excited too.

“ Beautiful...” Sam chuckled.

“ And very very tired...” You added smiling ready to take another bite of your food. “ She was yawning a lot...” You explained with a huge smile on your face.

“ Yeah...” Sam agreed smiling widely too. You looked at each other and shared that smile.

“ Ohhh!!! I can’t wait to meet her tomorrow...” Jody said. You spoke a little more and she asked how you were feeling. You told her you were exhausted as she expected. When you hung up you continued eating. Sam ate a little too and then you just lied on the bed. Sam sat on the chair next to you. He run his fingers between yours as your hand lied on your belly that still seemed like you were pregnant. You turned to look at him and you stretched so you could share a kiss and then you lied back on the bed. And seconds later you were in deep sleep...

The next morning you woke up by the sound of a phone ringing. You opened your eyes startled. Sam woke up suddenly too. You looked around and you saw him reaching for his pocket. His phone was ringing. He looked at the screen half asleep and smiled to you. You looked at him confused a little. He picked it up and spoke.

“Goodmorning...Yes...Mom is here too...” He said on the phone and you shared a smile. Dean was calling from Jody’s phone. You tried to get up. Your whole body was sore and you were feeling a little in pain. You stretched and yawned. You sat on the bed and looked at Sam again who was talking to your baby. “ Buddy...I will come to get you...In an hour or so...” Sam said on the phone smiling. “ Bye, Buddy...” He said and hung up. He looked at you. You were looking at him smiling. “He can’t wait...He’s so excited...” He told you chuckling and got up. He stretched and moved close to you. He pressed his lips on yours in a brief kiss. “Goodmorning...” He said pulling back.

“ Goodmorning...” You said too brushing his cheeks and his hair. You kissed him briefly again.

“ How are you feeling?” He asked sitting next to you on the bed.

“ Sore...” You said closing your eyes and stretching again. “ But I’ll be fine...” You said exhaling deeply. You smiled to Sam and he smiled back to you.

“ Alright!” He said and got up. You shared another kiss. “ I’ll get us something for breakfast and then I’ll get Dean...”

“ Don’t go yet... I wanna take a shower...” You said. You shouldn’t take a shower without someone there to watch over you. The hot water could lower your blood pressure and you could faint. You remembered that from when you had Dean but the nurses told you again yesterday when they were transffering to your room.

“ Yeah...” Sam said casually and helped you get off bed. You started changing your clothes with Sam’s help. He also explained to you that Cas had texted. He got stuck in traffic so he’d probably arrive in the morning. He ‘d probably visit with Jody today. Jody wouldn’t visit you with Dean and that’s why Sam had to go get him. The sheriff wanted to consult her about a case that had to do with a suspect she dealt with in the past. After you took off your clothes you entered the shower and the hot water made you feel so much better. It felt so nice on your sore body. But after a few minutes under the hot water you started feeling your knees weak. Your pressure was dropping. Sam was waiting for you outside.

“ Sam...” You got to say. You weren’t sure how loud you said it because everything turned balck in the next moment. You couldn’t see anything but you were still standing. You weren’t thinking clearly though...

“ (Y/N), Are you alright?” You heard Sam’s voice calm but a little worried as if it was coming from somewhere far away... You couldn’t answer. You could feel your lips but they were numb. You couldn’t move them. A second later you felt a towel on your body and Sam’s arms around you. You still couldn’t see anything and now your ears were buzzing... You could still walk though and you felt Sam gently getting you somewhere. But you didn’t realise where until you sat on the bed. A few seconds later your vision started clearing. You saw Sam looking at you worried.

“ Are you alright...?” He asked in a gruff voice. At first his voice sounded like it was coming from far away and then it sounded normal again as the buzzing in your ears was completely gone. You blinked a few times and looked at him.

“ I’m fine...” You said in a serious tone. You felt like throwing up. Your mind started clearing again. You started thinking straight. Your nausea was gone. “ I’m fine...” you said again to Sam who was still looking at you worried. You smiled to him and that’s when he exhaled deeply relieved. He kissed your head. You smiled to him again and he helped you get dressed. Then you lied back on the bed again and Sam helped you just as the door opened and the nurse walked in with your baby girl. Both you and Sam turned to look at the door with huge smiles on your faces. The nurse walked in and placed Charlie’s tiny bed next to yours.

“ She only woke up once during the night...She didn’t eat so she must be hungry...” She told you and Sam. You were both lost looking at your baby girl. “ Do you want me to help you?” The nurse asked and you lifted your head to look at her surprised.

“ No...Thank you...” You answered smiling when you realised that she was asking if you needed help to feed Charlie. She smiled back to you and left the room. You picked up Charlie carefully. She yawned in her sleep. You and Sam chuckled. She didn’t seem very eager to eat. She was still lost in her dreams. You brushed her little head. Since she wasn’t up yet you could still get some rest. You passed her to Sam who got up to put her back in her tiny bed. But she yawned again on the way there and you saw him stop. He was just staring at her smiling having completely forgot why he got up in the first place. He looked at you smiling excited and you smiled back at him. He put Charlie back in her bed carefully and got close to you again. He kissed you and left to get you both some breakfast. You lied on the bed and closed your eyes thinking you would get some sleep. But moments after you closed your eyes your baby girl woke up and started crying. You lifted her carefully.

“ Hello, Charlie...Hello, baby girl...” You said brushing her head and took off your top carefully to nurse her. Once she started feeding she put her little hand on your chest making your heart flatter. And seconds later she closed her eyes in enjoyment. Sam came back ten minutes later with two huge sandwiches only for you and orange juice ( your appetite for apple juice was gone again...). He also brought a sandwitch and coffee for him. He smiled widely when he saw you nursing Charlie.

“ Look who’s up...” He said smiling.

“ Not quite...” You chuckled as Sam sat next to you looking at Charlie brushing your back gently. He saw her sleepy eyes and chuckled too. He helped you eat one of the sandwiches as you were nursing Charlie. When she was full she went back to sleep. You put her back in her tiny bed and picked up the second sandwich.

“ I have to go...” Sam said looking at his watch. “ Dean’s waiting...” He told you with a smile and kissed your head tenderly. He moved to Charlie’s bed and kissed her little head gently. She yawned again content.

“ Bye, Charlie...” Sam said to her chuckling. He left and you continued eating waiting for Sam and Dean to get there. Charlie woke up again a few minutes later because she needed to be changed. So you got up and searched for the diapers in the bag you brought and changed her. When she was all set again you lied back on the bed and took her in your arms. She was more alert now. Making bubbles with her little tongue and looking all around her. A few minutes later you heard the door open and Sam walked in holding Dean in his arms. When Dean spotted you and Charlie he smiled widely and Sam put him down. He rushed close to you and sat next to you in the bed. You and Sam shared a chuckle as he was walking to get close to you too. Dean’s eyes were locked on Charlie. You put one arm around him and kissed his head gently.

“ Hello, Dean...” You brushed his hair. “ I’ve missed you...” You said and kissed his head gently as you were brushing his arm.

“ I’ve missed you too, Mom...” He said smiling widely. He took his eyes away from Charlie briefly to kiss your cheek and then he got more comfortable in your arms looking at Charlie with awe! Charlie was looking at him with her eyes wide open. Dean reached with his little hand and brushed her head gently. Very carefully as if she was made of glass. Charlie yawned again and. “ MOM, DAD! The baby yawned!” Dean said with a huge excited smile. He chuckled and turned to look at you and Sam to see if you noticed! You nodded to him and Sam kissed Dean’s head.

“ Yes, buddy...” He told him with a smile and looked back at Charlie.

“ She’s so tiny...!” Dean said still smiling widely.

“ Yes...” Sam chuckled.

“ You were that tiny too...”You added with a smile and kissed Dean’s head again. Charlie yawned once more and her eyelids got heavy.

“ Somebody’s falling asleep again...” Sam said with a smile.

“ Yeah...” You chuckled. Dean continued looking at Charlie with awe. He reached for her little head again and he caressed it protectively. You smiled at the sight and turned your head to look at Sam. He looked back at you. Your eyes full of love for your babies...

Charlie fell asleep in the next two minutes and Dean instantly started wispering so that he wouldn’t wake her up. You put her back on her little bed again after you kissed her little head gently. Then Dean sat on the bed again between you and Sam and you asked him about the play. He went into details telling you all about it! You and Sam congratulated him and promised to watch the video with him when Jody would bring it. When it was time for lunch Sam took Dean in his arms and went to bring something for all of you. Once they came back you all ate and you tried to get some rest as Sam and Dean were over Charlie’s tiny bed. Dean was brushing her little head careful not to wake her up. Sam was sitting on the bed holding Dean in his arms and gently brushing Charlie’s head too. They were both quiet so you and Charlie could sleep. You woke up early in the afternoon. Charlie had her eyes open now but she was still sleepy. Sam and Dean were talking to her and she was yawning every now and then. Dean got hungry again though and Sam got up to take Dean to eat something. Dean hugged you goodbye. Sam kissed your head briefly and told you they’d be back soon.

“ Come on, Buddy...” He said and lifted him up and opened the door. You shared a smile as he was closing the door behind him. And when he closed the door Charlie started crying again. She got hungry too so you picked her up and fed her. When she was done she yawned once more and she fell asleep. You held her in your arms just watching her sleep. So beautiful! So peaceful! Your baby girl...

A few minutes later Sam was back with Dean. Once they opened the door you signaled them to be quiet and you put Charlie back on her tiny bed. Sam sat next to you as Dean was getting close to Charlie again. You rested your head on Sam’s chest. He kissed the top of your head tenderly and his thumb run circles on the back of your hand. You were both watching your babies getting along in the comfort of each other’s arms. You shared a smile full of happiness and love for your babies...

An hour later you heard a knock on the door and Cas walked in after checking to make sure it was the right room. Just like when Dean was born this time he walked in with a huge pink teddy bear with a huge heart on its belly where you and Sam read “ it’s a girl!”

“ Caaas!” Dean said loudly once he spotted Cas. Charlie woke up and started crying immediately as Dean run to hug Cas. He hugged him back putting the bear on a nearby chair. You took Charlie in your arms trying to soothe her. Dean came back to you and brushed Charlie’s head.

“ Sorry,baby...” He said and turned to Cas again. Cas greeted him and then he greeted you and Sam. Charlie had stopped crying but she was whining now. Cas came close to you and very carefully you put Charlie in his arms. Dean sat next to you and you brushed his arm. Charlie stopped crying when she saw Cas. Her eyes turned wide open and she looked at him awed. Cas looked at you and Sam smiling and then he looked back at Charlie. He told you she was adorable. You and Sam smiled proudly. He passed Charlie to Sam who walked around rocking her until she fell asleep again while you were talking with Cas. Dean was getting tired and he had lied in your arms and you were brushing his hair gently. You noticed his eyes had started closing when Jody walked in too.Dean lifted his head and run towards her eager to show her his sister. Jody didn’t pick Charlie up since she had just fallen asleep again. She just brushed her head and cheeks and congratulated you and Sam. And then she congratulated Dean for his sister. Dean was also eager for you and Sam to watch the video of the play. Jody handed you the phone and Sam sat next to Dean and Cas sat next to Sam. Sam took Dean in his arms as you held Jody’s phone far enough so you could all watch the video. It wasn’t comfortable but you did get to hear your baby and you and Sam shared a huge smile. You were so proud of him! You and Sam kissed Dean and congratulated him. Dean thanked you murmuring as he was already falling asleep in Sam’s arms. Jody and Cas would take him home and visit you again tomorrow.

“ Bye,Mom...” Dean said sleepily hugging you.

“ Bye,baby...” You said. You kissed his head and brushed his hair. “ I love you...” You said.

“ I love you too, Mom...” He said kissing your cheek and then he pulled back with a smile. Then he turned to Sam who lifted him up and kissed his cheek.

“ Goodnight,Buddy...” He said.

“ Goodnight,Dad...” Dean said putting his little arms around his Dad’s neck.

“ I love you...” Sam told him brushing Dean’s back gently.

“ I love you too, Dad...” Dean said smiling. Sam put him down and Jody and Cas took him home. Charlie woke up again needing to have her diaper changed. Sam got a diaper from the bag and changed her and then walked with her around the room till she fell asleep with a huge smile on his face. He put her down in her tiny bed carefully once she was in deep sleep again. He then sat next to you in the bed and gave you a bag. You opened it and as you expected you found a body suite with a charm on. He told you he would take one for Charlie too. Just like he did for Dean.

“ It’s so beautiful...” You said and put it back in the bag. You pressed your lips on his brushing his cheek tenderly. He moved his lips against yours enjoying the kiss... You pulled back. He smiled to you and reached in his pocket for a small box. He handed it to you. You smiled to him widely. Your heart flattering in your chest. You opened it and you saw a wonderful necklass inside.

“ Thank you...For the most wonderful gifts of all...” He told you in a serious tone. Your heart flattered in your chest.Your eyes watered. You left the box on the bed and wrapped your arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms around you too holding you tight. “ I love you so much...” He said to you and his voice sounded gruff again “ You and our children are my world...” He added in a serious tone.Your heart melt in his arms.You pulled back and brushed his hair and you saw his eyes were wet. Just like yours.

“ You and our children are mine...” You said with a trembling voice. Sam smiled and you shared a firm passionate kiss... You pulled back and wrapped your arms around his neck again. Your heart was leaving hard beats... Sam was still holding you tight brushing your back with his thumb. You were brushing his hair feeling him breathe... He pulled you a little closer... But Charlie started crying again and you both pulled back startled.

“ Somebody’s hungry...” Sam chuckled.

“ Yeah...” You chuckled too. You got up. You kissed Sam’s lips briefly in a tender kiss and moved to take your baby girl in your arms. You lied comfortably on the bed again to nurse her. Sam sat next to you brushing your back gently. After Charlie fell asleep again so did you and Sam. The next day Jody and Cas brought Dean with them again in the morning. Jody got to hold Charlie this time and play with her a little before she started crying when she got hungry. Jody and Cas left before lunch. Jody had to get back to work tomorrow. Cas told you that he would visit you again in the weekend. Dean ate lunch with you again playing with Charlie (when she wasn’t sleeping) and with you and Sam. In the afternoon the sheriff and mrs Feegs came to visit you too. His wife was sick and she couldn’t come . Mrs Feegs came with Mrs Wright who was eager to meet the baby girl she’d take care of in a few months. Mrs Feegs left but Mrs Wright stayed so Sam would drive her and Dean to your home. She would take care of Dean tonight. Matt also visited you a little late ( he was working on a case...) and he congratulated you both. He stayed a little longer. You haven’t seen him for a while. He was working on many cases lately and he didn’t get the time to visit the library as often as he did. When he left Dean said goodbye to you and Charlie and Sam took him home. Dean called you later to tell mom and Dad and the baby goodnight. After driving your baby home Sam came back to the hospital and you both fell asleep after spending some time looking at your baby girl yawn. You were both exhausted. Charlie didn’t wake up many times during the night so you and Sam had enough sleep which was good beacause you both knew that it wouldn’t be like that the nights to come. The next day you packed your things and got ready to take your baby girl home. You left the hospital with Charlie in the afternoon. Dean was waiting for you to come back impatiently. He didn’t get to see You and Sam or Charlie that day. When you arrived home he run to hug you and Sam and greet the baby. You said goodbye to mrs Wright and thanked her for staying with Dean and she told you to call her whenever you needed her. You took Charlie into her room and Sam put her in her crib carefully so that she wouldn’t wake up. Dean followed you and then he spend some time just watching her sleep. He still looked at her with a huge smile full of wonder. Then he went to the kitchen with you and Sam and he helped you prepare dinner. You all ate together and after you were done Dean was really sleepy. So Sam helped him change and you read to him to fall asleep. He fell asleep really fast and you went to bed too where Sam was already waiting for you. You changed your clothes and lied on the bed resting your head in his chest. He wrapped his arms around you and you both sighed content in each other’s arms. You wished each other goodnight and you both started drifting off... You were very tired. These last few days were very tiring for both of you and you knew that the months that would follow would be very tiring too. But you were both so happy...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter on April 25... :-)


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming full circle...Back to the beginning

The first two months after Charlie was born weren’t easy. You had to take care of both your children and devote enough time to both of them. Charlie was waking up at least four times every night. You and Sam took turns getting up. But there were times **you** had to get up because Charlie was hungry and you had to nurse her. But Sam was trying to take care of diaper changing and when Charlie just couldn’t sleep. Sometimes she was crying very loudly during the night waking up Dean too.

“ Mom...What’s going on?” He murmured sleepily emerging from his room,brushing his eyes. You had just picked up Charlie from her crib. Your sense of smell had already revealed to you what was wrong. Sam had already gotten up two times that night. One to change Charlie’s diaper, one to put her back to sleep. When she started crying again you assumed she’d be hungry. You put your arms around your baby girl and turned to look at Dean who was entering Charlie’s room now.

“ Everything’s fine,baby...” You said in a calm voice. “ Charlie just needs a clean diaper...” You smiled to him. “ You go back to sleep...” You said in the same calm voice and leaned to kiss Dean’s head.

“ Ok...” He said sleepily again. He brushed his eyes once more and moved to his room just as Sam got out of yours. He smiled to Dean as he was going back to his room and moved close to you. You had already started changing Charlie’s diaper and when Sam walked in you had finished putting on the clean one. Charlie was still crying. Yu put her bodysuit back on and put her on your breast to nurse her. She turned her head the other way. Apparently she wasn’t hungry yet. She needed to be soothed back to sleep.

“ Hey...” Sam said sleepily and leaned to kiss your head briefly as you were rocking Charlie soothingly in your arms.

“ Hey...” You replied sleepily too.

“ Mom,Dad...” You both heard Dean’s sleepy voice again. You both turned to look at him. “ I can’t sleep...” He continued entering Charlie’s room again. “ Can you read to me?” He asked. Sam turned to you.

“ You go with Dean I’ll put Charlie back to sleep...” He told you smiling sleepily. You knew that putting Charlie back to sleep would take a lot of time. She never went back to sleep easily but at least now she was whining instead of crying. You smiled to Sam tiredly. You planted a small kiss on his arm and brushed it gently. You turned to Dean and pushed his little back gently. He moved forward and you followed him to his room. You and Sam shared another tired smile before you entered Dean’s room. He climbed on the bed and he got comfortable under the sheets. You sat next to him and put one arm around his while he helped you open the book with his little hands. You held it with both your hands so Dean could see the pictures and you started reading. In a few pages Dean was asleep again. You brushed his hair and got up carefully not to wake him up. You walked outside and saw Sam still trying to get Charlie back to sleep. You moved close to him. Her eyelids were getting heavy though.

“ You should get some sleep...When she wakes up again she’ll be hungry...” He said to you wispering. You knew he was right. She hasn’t eaten for a while. When she’d wake up again she would most certainly be hungry. So you’d have to get up again soon.

“ Ok...” You wispered too. You brushed Charlie’s back a little as Sam was rocking her in his arms. You shared another sleepy smile and with your eyes closing you went back to your room and climbed back on your bed. You fell asleep immediately without bothering to get under the covers. You were exhausted. It was the third time you and Sam woke up that night... When you heard Charlie crying again you felt like you had just closed your eyes. You opened them again. They felt tired.Sam was lying next to you fast asleep. You moved a little closer to him under the covers ( He probably covered you up when he came back to bed...) and you kissed his cheek gently. You got up with small and slow moves. You yawned and moved to your baby girl’s room to feed her. You took a look at Dean as you were getting there. He was in deep sleep like his dad... You picked up Charlie again and nursed her. By the time she was full and sleepy the sun was already rising and soon you’d have to wake up Dean for school and Sam for work... When Charlie fell asleep again you moved to your room and woke up Sam and then you moved to Dean’s room to wake him up too. When Sam got dressed he came to Dean’s room and he greeted both you and your baby before heading to the kitchen to make breakfast. He didn’t go to Charlie’s room so that he wouldn’t wake her up. You helped Dean get dressed and you both headed down for breakfast. Sam helped Dean brush his teeth afterwards and then you helped him get on the bus. He wanted to say goodbye to Charlie before leaving but both you and Sam told him “no” cause he could wake her up and you really hoped to get some rest before she wakes up again. Sam also wanted to wish Charlie goodbye before leaving for work too but he didn’t want to wake her up so he desided against it. He gave you a tender kiss and left for work. After both Dean and Sam were gone you went back to bed only for half an hour before Charlie woke up again. You spend the morning like most mornings taking care of Charlie and playing with her and sleeping when she got tired. You also made lunch so that Dean would eat when he came back. After that you would play with both him and Charlie ( if she was awake) until Sam would come back. After eating something he was taking control until bed time so you could get some rest before having to wake up again. You were trying to spend as much time with your children as possible. When you weren’t very tired you both spend time playing with both your babies. Charlie was mostly biting her stuffed animals in yours or Sam’s arms as you would play a game with Dean. But she always got excited when you were getting excited offering you that adorable toothless smile that made your hearts melt. You were spending even more time together during the weekends.

Dean loved to spend time with Charlie. He loved it when you all played together and what he was often asking for was to hold her. So you’d put him on the couch and put Charlie in his arms. He was still very young so you wouldn’t let him hold her while standing. You and Sam watched with huge smiles on your faces as Dean put his little arms around his sister and then looked at you and Sam proudly smiling with excitement. He asked all kinds of questions about when will Charlie start to talk, walk, eat (something other than milk)...anything. He was also trying to play with her. He loved showing her his toys. Some of them you and Sam told him not to as they were dangerous for Charlie to swallow at this point. But others she loved seeing and playing with and Dean was very happy because he “made the baby smile...”. You and Sam loved to see him bond with his sister but you were always very careful about what you said to him when you asked him to do something involving Charlie. You didn’t tell him he had to do anything because he was her big brother. You tried not to put on his shoulders responsibilities regarding Charlie because he was older. Or tell him that he had to protect her. You both agreed on that. You both knew how that affected Dean to the point he could never let go of Sam...Not completely anyway. Sam and Dean loved each other a lot and you admired that. You were so proud and so happy for both of them for loving each other that much. But Dean always felt like Sam was **his** responsibility...That it was **his** duty to be there and protect him. And that put an enormous pressure on his shoulders. Pressure he didn’t even understand he was feeling. And he could never let go of that. And he was always feeling guilty if anything happened to Sam.That he did something wrong. That he should have prevented anything from happening. Feeling he failed his brother... You didn’t want your child to go through that. Not that you were in any way as tough (and maybe cruel) parents as John Winchester was to cause that... But you wanted him to have a nice relationship with his sister without feeling like he was her guardian. Because Dean was a kid too and you could never expect your child to grow up faster so that he could take care of his younger sister and you shoulden’t expect that from him. Taking care of Charlie was **your** responsibility as her parents just like it was **your** responisbility to take care of Dean. And make sure they grow up happy loving each other as much as Sam and Dean loved each other... So you were very careful about that. As you were very careful to spend enough time with both of them. You didn’t want Dean to feel that now that Charlie arrived he no longer had your attention. So you were trying to balance your time between both your children. It was really hard at first since Charlie still needed constant attention but you did your best so that Dean wouldn’t feel left out. So you spend as much time with both of them as possible.

That left little to no time for you and Sam. At night you were so tired you were just going to sleep only to get up again in the middle of the night. When Charlie started sleeping longer at night you did get the chance to go out together. You were feeling more energetic so you asked Mrs Wright to take care of Dean and Charlie a few times so you could spend a couple of hours out of the house. That time was very refreshing for both of you. You really needed some time together. It also took you a little longer to go back to sex. With Charlie waking up every now and then it wasn’t easy even if you weren’t tired. But you also still felt quite sore from giving birth and your first atempt was vey painful and... a disaster. You let some time pass after that making sure you’ve recovered completely. ( Which wasn’t easy for you because although your body hasn’t recovered yet your sex drive was back to normal a few weeks after you gave birth...). The next time you tried you took things even slower and eventually you made it work. And it was amazing for both of you...

With Christmas approaching Dean participated in another play. This time you both got to go. Dean wanted Charlie to be there too but you knew she would probably start crying so it was better to stay home with Mrs Wright. You all watched the video together though. Charlie was smiling a lot. Dean helped Sam decorate your Christmas tree. He was running around the house smiling so excited that you’d put the lights on the tree again. At some point he would stop and bring something close to Charlie whom you were holding in your arms sitting on the couch watching Dean and Sam decorate the tree. Charlie was looking at what Dean was showing to her. When he showed her a christmas ball with vivid colors she took it in her hands and tried to put it in her mouth. You stopped her just as she tried to fit it in her mouth and she immediately started crying. You weren’t sure if she was crying because you took the ball away (handing it to Sam who went to wash it chuckling) or because she was frustrated she couldn’t fit it in her tiny mouth. Dean brushed her head and gave her a little kiss to comfort her but Charlie wasn’t feeling any better. When Sam came back he kissed your head tenderly and took Charlie in his arms. He sat on the couch comforting her and you got up and helped Dean decorate the tree. When you were done you got Charlie ready and Sam got Dean ready and you all went for a walk in the park. When you came back Dean lied on the couch watching the lights on the tree. You fed Charlie and you put her in her crib once she fell asleep. Dean started feeling sleepy soon too but he didn’t want to go to bed. He wanted to stay up and watch the lights flicker. When it was time for him to go to bed he had already fallen asleep on the couch. Sam took him to his bed. Then he joined you on the couch.

“ Shall we watch a movie or something?” He asked sitting next to you.

“ Well...” You started saying with a wide smile on your face. You turned towards him and your hands slowly made their way from his chest to his neck and you pressed your lips on his in a passionate kiss. He moved his lips against yours in a firm and loving kiss as his hands were slowly making their way to your lower back... You pulled back still smiling widely.

“ Straight upstairs then...” Sam chuckled seductively. You chuckled too. You shared another kiss and you both headed upstairs...

On Christmas Eve Cas came to see you and played with both Dean and Charlie. Charlie was smiling to him a lot. He stayed with you that night and the next morning Jody arrived too to spend Christmas with you. You and Sam took turns in the kitchen to prepare the food and when you were done you both sat on the table to eat. You had a great day... In the afternoon both Jody and Cas left but you promised to visit Jody next week. You didn’t stay long because Charlie started whining but you did get to spend enough time with Jody. Dean enjoyed it a lot too...

After Christmas you got back to work. Just like when Dean was a baby you didn’t feel well leaving Charlie when you were leaving for work. But you reminded yourself that you’d be back soon to spend some time with both your babies. Charlie didn’t like it either when you and Sam were leaving for work. She was crying a lot and when you hugged her before leaving she wouldn’t let you go. When Sam hugged her she put her tiny arms around him holding him tight and when he tried to put her back in her crib she started crying. And Sam held her tight again and she immediately stopped crying. But he didn’t try to put her down again cause he didn’t want to leave either. Taking the day off and spend the day with your children seemed so appealing to both of you. Charlie only left Sam’s arms so **you** could hold her.

“ We’ll be back soon...” You said and kissed her head. “ And your brother we’ll be back soon...” You chuckled at her. She burried her head in the crook of your neck. You and Sam shared a smile. You both noticed her eyelids were getting heavy. You slowly put her back in her crib. Sam leaned and kissed her head. You went down the stairs. You shared a brief but loving kiss and you both left for work. Your schedule was irregular lately. Sometimes you were late and sometimes you were early. You had schools visiting the library again and you had a lot to do. Sam on the other hand had a more stable schedule. He was working till early afternoon but he was close enough to be back to have lunch with Dean and you ( when you were home...) and see Charlie a little. You were both back in the afternoon so you were saving that time for your babies. You usually spend that time all together. Now Charlie had started crawling, She wasn’t very stable yet but she could crawl from Sam to you and then back to Sam and then to Dean. And then she usually messed with his toys which frustrated Dean a lot. You tried to prevent her from that but sometimes she was faster than you. But Dean didn’t mind that much anymore. He was so excited that the baby wanted to play with him that he didn’t mind her messing with his toys sometimes. You and Sam loved to stare at them as they were playing together. You always shared a wide smile full of love and pride watching your babies play together... Your heart was flattering in your chest...

Charlie had already started babbling a lot too. She hasn’t said “mama” or “dada” yet. Both you and Sam were impatient. You wanted to hear your baby girl call you “Mom” and “Dad” but Dean was impatient to. He wanted to hear Charlie say his name. He felt like it was a sign of recognition from her. And of course he wanted to help her talk as well cause that would make playing together easier. Just like you and Sam he liked talking to Charlie a lot. When he was watching cartoons and Charlie was somewhere close he narrated her the cartoon so that “she’d understand...”. Charlie loved listening to Dean just like she loved listening to you and Sam. She liked the sound of your voices. You were reading books to her too but Dean was still more excited about it than Charlie. He joined you everytime you were reading to his sister. But Charlie prefered playing with her foot than paying attention to the book.

“ One out of two ain’t bad...” Sam teased you.

“ Two out of two is better...” You replied with a chuckle everytime. He was chuckling back. Both Dean and Charlie had his eyes so that was two out of two for him. Eventually Charlie started enjoying you and Sam reading to her a lot more but what she liked the most was when you were singing. Sometimes you were singing in the car and Charlie always laughed loudly enjoying it. You confirmed that when you came back from the park one day and when Sam put her in her rocking chair she started humming. You and Sam shared a look surprised trying to understand what song she had in mind.

“ Is that...Scorpions?” Sam chuckled looking at you.

“Yeah!” You said smiling excited. The melody was hard to recognise but after listen to Charlie carefully you managed to figure it out.Charlie was still humming paying no attention to you. “No one like you...We were singing along in the car on our way home” You chuckled surprised. Sam chuckled too. Seconds later Dean walked in hungry. You all ate together and went to sleep because tomorrow would be a hard day. Charlie also started sleeping even more during the night. You and Sam only had to get up once or twice now. Which was a huge relief as you had more time to rest. That day was really hard. A school was visiting and you took care of it yourself cause mrs Feegs couldn’t be there early that day. You were exhausted afterwards but when mrs Feegs arrived she gave you the rest of the day off. So you had some time to go shopping. You bought new underwear and returned home to make lunch because Dean would be there soon. You let mrs Wright go and you brought Charlie in the kitchen too as you were cooking. She was old enough now to try and eat sometthing solid but soft. She wasn’t up for breastfeeding for a month now so you had switched into bottle and these last few days you had already started giving her cream and sometimes a very soft piece of cookie like the one you gave her now. She had already started teething and she was whining a lot lately. Dean arrived just as you finished cooking. A few minutes later Sam arrived too. He kissed Dean’s head.

“ Hi, Buddy...” He said.

“ Hi, Dad” Dean answered. Sam moved and kissed Charlie’s head too.

“Hello, baby girl...” He chuckled. Charlie offered him a big toothless ( not for long) smile. Then he turned to you and kissed the top of your head.

“Hey...” He greeted you wrapping his arms around you gently. You rested your head on his chest and closed your eyes.

“ Hey...” You said sighing in content. You pulled back and you both shared a tender smile. You all sat down to eat and then Sam left for work again greeting you all. You sat on the floor with Dean and Charlie and played with them until late in the afternoon. Charlie got hungry so you let Dean watch Tv and you put Charlie in her rocking chair in the kitchen as you were preparing her milk. As you were doing that you heard the door open and then.

“ Daaaad...” Dean yelled excited running to hug Sam.

“ Hello, Buddy...” You heard Sam’s tired voice. Sam walked in the kitchen and you turned to look at him and you shared a smile. Dean followed him and sat on a chair eager to spend some more time with Mom and Dad. Charlie smiled to her Dad when she saw him. He moved close to her and kissed her tiny head. She offered him a big smile. He chuckled and then moved close to you. You shared a hug and then you both pulled back smiling. Sam served dinner as you prepared Charlie’s bottle. Soon you were all sitting on the table to eat. You fed Charlie while eating. Once Sam was done he took Charlie in his arms and held her bottle up till she drunk all the milk. After she was done she was still hungry so you gave her a cookie as Sam was still holding her.

“ Mom, Dad...Can we go to the park on Saturday?” Dean asked once he was done with his food. Sam was walking around the kichen now rocking Charlie as she started feeling sleepy. You were cleaning the table.

“ Baby...You and Charlie will be at Jody’s this weekend...” You reminded him. It was your anniversary this weekend.

“ Yes...” Dean said as he remembered. He sounded a little disappointed. He loved spending time with Jody but he wanted to go to the park with Mom and Dad too. You moved close to him and brushed his hair gently.

“ Buddy, we can go on Monday afternoon...” Sam said looking at you for confirmation. You nodded positively with a smile.

“ Ok...” Dean said smiling widely at both you and Sam. You saw Charlie was already asleep in Sam’s arms.

“ Ok...Time for bed...” You said.

“ Ok,Mom...” Dean said and got off his chair. He moved close to Sam who leaned as carefully as possible to hug him with one arm. “ Goodnight, Dad...I love you...” He said.

“ I love you too, Dean...” Sam said in a low voice so that Charlie wouldn’t wake up. “ Goodnight, buddy...” He wispered again.

“ Goodnight, Charlie...” Dean wispered too and brushed Charlie’s back gently. You pushed his back softly and you all went up the stairs. Sam went towards Charlie’s room and you and Dean went towards his. You read to him a few pages of the new book you brought him yesterday and wished him goodnight.

“ Goodnight, Mom...I love you...” He murmured in his sleep.

“ I love you too, Dean...” You wispered and kissed his head gently. “ Goodnight...” You wispered again and left the room closing the door behind you carefully.

You walked into your room. Sam was already there and he had already changed his clothes. He turned to look at you when you entered. You started changing too.

“ So... Jody said she’ll pick up Dean and Charlie on Friday afternoon...” Sam told you moving close to you as you were taking your shirt off. He was supposed to talk with Jody today. You knew she would take your kids for the weekend but you didn’t go into details yet.

“ Ok...” You said with a smile. “ I think I’m gonna take the day off this Friday... We have no school sceduled so there won’t be much work...” You said thinking about it. You wanted to be well rested on Saturday. It was your anniversary after all.

“ Ok...” Sam nodded and leaned to press his lips on yours firmly. You closed your eyes enjoying the kiss. You pulled back and rested your head in his chest. He wrapped your arms around you and you wrapped yours around him. You closed your eyes feeling him breathe. A small smile on your face as your heart was flattering in your chest. He kissed the top of your head. You pulled back placing your hand on his neck gently pulling him in for another brief but tender kiss. You broke the kiss smiling at each other. You finished changing your clothes and you both lied on your bed to get some sleep.

The next day was very busy for both of you. You both came back late from work and you were very tired. Dean wanted to spend some time with you and Charlie missed you too. So you all played together until Dean felt sleepy. Sam put him to sleep and then he joined you again in the living room. You were walking around rocking Charlie in your arms. She was crying a lot and she didn’t seem to calm down. The pain in her gums had gotten worse and this was an especially difficult night. You and Sam took turns rocking Charlie in your arms for at least a couple of hours until she finally fell asleep. You put her in her crib gently and you both walked to your room with your eyes closing. You changed your clothes as fast as you could and you climbed on your bed without even realising it. You both fell asleep moments after you lied down...

 

***

The next day although you had taken the day off you got really tired again. It wasn’t an easy day. And you also had to deal with Dean asking about his grandparents... After Jody picked up Dean and Charlie you and Sam had dinner together and then you both went back to your room and fell asleep almost immediately. You both wanted to be well rested cause tomorrow was your anniversary...

***

You both woke up really late that day but you didn’t get up. You decided to stay in bed for a while longer enjoying the comfort of each other’s arms. When you were still in bed Sam’s phone rang. You saw Jody’s number but you shared a small sleepy smile because you both knew that this was probably Dean that wanted to talk to you. And you were right. Sam picked up the phone and put him on speaker so you could both hear him. He sounded so excited. Jody took him and Charlie to the park in the morning and he was having a great time. Then he gave Jody the phone and you asked how Charlie was doing. She slept well that night but she was whining the whole morning. Jody thought that listening to Mom and Dad’s voice would calm her down so she put you on speaker and put the phone closer to Charlie. You heard her whining and both you and Sam started talking to your baby girl. She laughed when she heard your voice but she was back to whining again soon. Her gums were still in pain. You spoke with Dean one more time to say goodbye and he also wished you happy anniversary. Jody wished you too and you hung up the phone staying in bed a little longer. When you finally got up you made something for lunch and watched a movie together until it was time for both of you to get ready. You made sure Sam was not in the room when you put on your knew underwear. They were a surprise. You put on your dress really fast ( which was his gift) before he came back and soon you were both ready to go.( He was wearing the tie you bought him). Sam had booked a table at a restaurant. It wasn’t too far away from your home. It was very calm there and you liked it a lot. Sam told you it was a new place and he figured out you’d like it. After you had dinner together you left and went for a walk in the park that was nerby. You’ve never been there before.

“ They say it’s haunted...” Sam told you chuckling while you were walking.

“ The park?” You asked confused.

“ Yeah...” He chuckled again. “ I’ve checked it out twice... There were some reports about strange noises and stuff and because the sheriff doesn’t believe in “ghosts and spirits and crap...” Sam said immitating the sheriff’s voice.

“If he only knew...” You chuckled. Sam chuckled back and continued. He explained to you that the sheriff sent him to check it out twice. And he found nothing. You went back to your car after walking a little and then back to your home. You went straight upstairs and you surprised Sam with your knew underwear...

“ Wow...” He said in a low voice. Stunned. You smiled widely. It was always so nice to see him stunned and nervous. You moved close to him wrapping your arms around his neck. He smiled to you overcoming regaining control. He leaned and kissed you passionately. And then he lifted you up with a sudden and slightly rough move and carried you to your bed... When you were done you were both sweaty... Breathing heavily in each other’s arms... Your clothes were thown all over... You’d pick them up in the morning... You were both exhausted bu smiling widely... You started drifting off. Sam covered your shouders with the sheets and then wrapped his arms around you gently as you were already falling asleep breathing him in.You felt him kiss your head tenderly before you were completely gone...

You woke up in the morning lying on your side. Sam’s arm was still around you and you could feel him breathe in deep sleep. You brushed his hand a little and you checked his watch. It wasn’t very early but you still had time to stay in bed. You run your fingers between Sam’s. You closed your eyes again and lied back on your pillow sighing content.

“ Goodmorning...” You heard his voice low and a little gruff from sleep. He kissed your neck gently while moving his fingers to brush yours.

“ Goodmorning...” You said too and turned around to look at him. He smiled to you and you smiled back at him. You brushed his hair back removing some stray from his eyes. You continued brushing his hair and neck gently smiling. He was so beautiful!

“ I love you so much...” He said to you with a small smile.

“ I love you too...” You smiled back. He leaned with a sudden but careful move and pressed his lips on yours in a firm kiss. You were startled and your eyes turned wide for a second before you closed them again to enjoy his kiss. You run your arms around his neck as Sam was gently pushing your back on the mattress with his body. Your heart started beating really fast and you were both lost in the kiss again...

When you got up Sam made breakfast and you called Jody to see how Dean and Charlie were doing. Dean was really sleepy on the phone. He had a full day yesterday and he was feeling tired. But he also sounded excited talking to both you and Sam. And you shared a smile so happy that your baby was having a good time. Jody told you that Charlie slept the whole night but she was whining a lot this morning again. You and Sam knew that it wouldn’t be an easy night for you. You took the rest of the day to relax on the couch as Dean and Charlie would be back tonight. You both watched a movie after lunch or rather only you did because Sam fell asleep in your arms but you didn’t wake him up. You barely moved so that you wouldn’t disturb him. You were both trying to get as much sleep as possible because you knew you’d wake up in the middle of the night again. So you just run your hands through his hair gently relaxing him even more. He woke up again early in the afternoon and helped you make dinner. You also made cookies for Dean and Charlie. By the time you were done Jody arrived and Dean run in his Dad’s arms when he opened the door.

“ I’ve missed you,Buddy...” Sam chcukled.

“ I’ve missed you too, Dad...”Dean said pulling back with a smile.

“ Moooom...” Dean yelled looking for you. You stepped out of the kitchen and let your baby run into your arms and hug you as Sam was taking Charlie from Jody’s arms.

“ Hello, baby...” You said and kissed Dean’s head. He pulled back and you both moved to the living room. Dean sat on the couch with Jody and Sam. You took Charlie form Sam’s arms.

“ Hello, baby girl...” You said rocking Charlie in your arms. She was crying again. You gently pressed her on your chest brushing her head gently. “ I know, baby... I know...” You said in a comforting voice in response to Charlie’s crying knowing that she’s in pain. After a while Sam got up and switched with you taking Charlie from your arms so you could sit with Dean and Jody a little.

“ Come on, Baby girl...” He said in a soothing voice holding Charlie protectively. His thumb running circles on her back in a comforting way. Dean leaned on you once you sat on the couch as he was feeling sleepy. Jody gave you back Dean’s back up spray. You wanted her to stay longer but Dean was already ready to fall asleep and Charlie didn’t seem to be able to calm down. So she said goodbye to all of you. Dean murmured a tired “goodbye Jody” but he was smiling widely. You thanked her and wished her goodbye too. She was smiling widely too. She loved it when she got to have Dean and Charlie for a few days. Once Jody was gone it was time for you and Sam to put your babies to bed. Dean said goodnight to Sam and Charlie ( who was still crying in Sam’s arms) and you put him to bed after reading him a few pages of his book. After he fell asleep you went back to the living room and switched with Sam as Charlie was still crying. You spend about an hour trying to put her to sleep and when you finally did you put her in her crib gently and you both went straight to bed...

The next day you both went to work and when you came back you went with Dean and Charlie to the park. Dean was having a great time with his friends but Charlie was crying a lot so you left Sam and Dean in the park and you took her home. You were walking around the house rocking her for more than an hour. She finally felt sleepy and you put her in her crib. You stayed with her a little longer brushing her little hand till she fell asleep. And just as you were returning to the living room the door opened and Sam walked in holding a gigling Dean in his arms. Sam put Dean down and he run to hug you. You hugged him back and when you pulled back he went straight upstairs to change his clothes. You prepared his bath and when he was all clean Sam put him to sleep. He noticed he was coughing a little so he put Dean’s inhaler on his nightstand just in case. You still had time so when Sam came back to the living room you both sat on the couch and watched a movie. Then you both went to bed. But during the night you were waken up again by Dean.

“ Mom...Dad...I don’t feel well...” He murmured at the door right before he threw up. Both you and Sam got up instantly. You took Dean to the bathroom and helped him out as he continued throwing up and Sam cleaned up in your room. You helped Dean clean himslef up and you guided him back to your bed. He lied down. His eyelids were very heavy. He had a fever and stomach ache. Your heart was leaving hard and painful beats seeing your baby suffering. You and Sam took turns taking care of Dean and Charlie who also woke up during the night because of the pain in her gums. Dean wasn’t feeling better at all in the morning. He threw up at least five more times during the night and he didn’t want to drink water because it made him feel worse. In the morning both you and Sam took the day off. You stayed home with Charlie and Sam took Dean to the doctor. He told you you shouldn’t worry and that Dean would be fine but you should be careful with Charlie. She was still very young and you couldn’t risk her getting sick too. So You and Sam were extra carefull with Charlie trying to prevent her from getting sick too. You tried to keep her and Dean seperated for a few days. Which wasn’t very hard because Dean wasn’t up for playing these days and Charlie was whining because she was in pain.Dean was lying on the couch watching tv. It distracted him from the pain in his stomach. He still had high fever that was gone and then it was back again. And he was still throwing up at least once every hour. You were doing your best to get him to eat something and drink water so that he wouldn’t get dehydrated. You and Sam took turns on Dean’s side during the night. He wanted to sleep on the couch. He didn’t want to go back to his bed. He wanted to be able to watch tv and you let him since it seemed to calm him down. When one of you were at Dean’s side the other one was taking care of Charlie who woke up quite a few times during the night. And then you’d switch.Neither you nor Sam could get much sleep that night. And Dean wasn’t able to sleep well either. When it was time for you to switch with Sam again you found him sleeping on the couch on Dean’s side. Dean was also asleep. You moved with very silent steps and switched off the tv that was still playing and then moved close to Sam. Both he and Dean were lost in deep sleep...

“ Sam...” You wispered and brushed his hair. He lifted up his head startled. He turned to look at Dean briefly to make sure he was fine and that you weren’t waking him up because something happened to your babies. “ Dean is sleeping...” You said to him. “ You need to get some sleep too...” You continued wispering. “ Charlie is asleep too...” You told him.

“ No...” He said in a low voice and brushed his eyes. “ It’s almost morning...” He got up and you sat in his place. He leaned and pressed his lips on yours in a firm but tender kiss. “ I’ll make breakfast...” He wispered with a small smile. You smiled back and turned to brush Dean’s hair. Sam made breakfast and as both your kids were sleeping you got to eat together. Once you were done Dean woke up and walked into the room. He hugged you and rested his head on you.

“ I’m not feeling well...” He said trembling in your arms. You brushed his head and leaned to kiss his forehead. He had a fever again.

“ Baby...I think it’s time for a bath...” You told him in a calm voice.

“ Noooo” He whined. You expected that. He knew that the water would feel really cold now. Sam kneeled next to you and brushed Dean’s head.

“ Buddy...You have to...” He said in a soothing voice. Dean whined again but he was also feeling exhausted. Sam hugged him and Dean put his little arms around his Dad’s neck. He lifted him up and took him to the bathroom to help him take a bath. A few minutes later Charlie woke up too and you rushed to her to feed her. You and Sam spend the rest of the day taking care of your babies. You both took the day off to stay with Dean. In the afternoon he seemed to feel a little better. His stomach wasn’t hurting anymore. He still had a fever and he was throwing up but not as often as he did the day before. You and Sam took turns on his side that night too. Charlie didn’t wake up as many times as the night before but Dean wasn’t feeling like sleeping. So you spend at least a couple of hours playing with him and reading to him until he fell asleep. You woke him up in the middle of the night because he had a fever again and you helped him take a bath. After throwing up again he told you for the first time in two days that he was hungry. He didn’t eat much. Just a few crackers and he fell asleep immediately but by morning he hadn’t thrown up again. You and Sam were both really tired and you also weren’t in the best of moods. You never were this time of year. Today was eight years since Dean died. Every year on that day you were feeling gloomy. You both missed Dean... That day, the anniversary of his death always brought back memories. And some of the pain you felt when he died. It was a difficult day... And this year was even harder with Dean being sick. It made you think of all the people you’ve lost. And the idea of anything happening to your babies... Was unbearable! If anything happened to Dean or Charlie you didn’t know what you would do... Both you and Sam felt down but when Dean woke up having no fever and asking for food you both felt better. Dean’s mood had improved a lot. He wanted to spend the whole day playing with you and that was a sign that he was getting better. Again you and Sam took turns during the day to take care of Dean and Charlie. In the sfternoon Sam took Charlie for a small walk. Dean wanted to go to but you and Sam told him no. He felt better about spending the afternoon at home after you promised to read him a whole book. And you enjoyed spending time with him too. Sam and Charlie came back before dinner. Charlie was already asleep. You kissed her little head and Sam took her upstairs and put her in her crib. He came back to the living room and spend some time with Dean. You brushed his hair and kissed his cheek and then you went in your room to lie down and get some rest. You felt like that day always took its toll on both you and Sam. Memories were running through your mind as you were lying on the bed. You took a deep breath and closed your eyes and smiled at your memories... You sat on the bed and looked at your nightstand... You opened the drawer. You searched under Dean’s drawings and you found one of your photos. Dean,Bobby and Sam... You took this one... You smiled. Your eyes got wet at the memory... And all the memories that flooded you. You run your fingers on Dean’s face and chuckled. You blinked to clear your eyes. That sweet pain in your heart the memories of someone who was so important to you. You run your fnger on Sam’s face now. And your eyes got wet again as your heart exploded with love for him... You blinked again to clear your eyes and looked at the photo again... You smiled widely at it and put it back in the drawer under Dean’s drawings. You took a deep breath and still smiling you walked out the door... You saw Sam getting out of Dean’s room closing the door as gently as possible. He looked at you and moved closer.

“He fell asleep on the couch...” He told you with a silent chuckle.You chuckled back and wrapped your arms around him gently and you rested your head on his chest still smiling. Your heart still beating hard. He wrapped his arms around you too holding you tight.

“ Are you alright?” Sam asked in a low voice.You knew what he was asking about. You pulled back and you brushed his hair back gently. Your thumb running circles on his cheek.

“Yeah...” You said in a low and serious voice. “How are you feeling?” You asked brushing his hair behind his ear. He took a deep breath and then a smile formed on his lips.

“ Good...” He said smiling at you. You smiled too. This day would always be painful for both you and Sam.But you loved each other so much. And you were so thankful you had each other. And you were able to have two wonderful children together that you loved so much! You’ve been through some horrible stuff. And losing Dean was one of them...But you found happiness in each other and your babies...

“ I love you so much...” You said in a low voice that broke with emotion. Smiling widely at Sam. He smiled back to you. Both your eyes wet.

“ I love you too...” He said in a voice full of emotion too. And then you shared a firm ,loving kiss. He pulled you closer. Holding you tight. After a few beautiful moments you both pulled back smiling and you walked to your room. Sam lied on the bed and waited for you. You climbed on the bed and he opened his arms so you could lie on his chest. You rested your head on his chest and your hand on his neck. He wrapped his arms around you protectively running gentle circles with his thumbs... You were brushing his neck softly as you both started drifting off in each other’s arms...

The next morning you woke up Sam to go to work. You took that day off too but the sheriff didn’t really feel like giving Sam another day off unless it was absolutely necessary. But Dean was feeling a lot better and he’d only stay home today as a precaution. Just to be sure. So there was no need for Sam to stay home too. Neither Dean nor Charlie woke up early. It was one of the few nights Charlie slept well and Dean hadn’t slept well in days so he was exhausted. You helped Sam make breakfast. You had breakfast together and Sam got ready for work...

“ I’ll see you at lunch...” He told you and kissed your lips briefly. “ I love you...”

“ I love you too...” You said and kissed his lips once more. “ Bye...” You said and Sam left for work. A few minutes later Charlie woke up hungry so you brought her in the kitchen and gave her a cookie to eat while you were preparing her milk.

“ Goodmorning,Mom...” Dean said walking in the kitchen a few minutes later brushing his eyes. He came close to you and gave you a brief hug.

“ Goodmorning, Dean...” You said and brushed his hair.

“ Where is Dad?” He asked pulling back looking around.

“ He’s at work...” You answered. “ Milk and cookies for breakfast?” You asked smiling at him. He nodded smiling sitting on a chair. You prepared his breakfast and gave Charlie her bottle too as Dean was eating. After drinking her milk Charlie fell asleep again. You knew it wouldn’t be for long but you put her back in her crib so that she’d feel more comfortable. Dean was feeling bored in the house. He hadn’t been outside at all for days and he wanted to go out and play. You promised him that you’d take him to the park tomorrow. He liked that but he still wanted to go outside and retrieve his ball. You didn’t like the idea of playing with the ball inside but he promised to be careful. So you opened the door to let him go outside to bring his ball back and help you clean it so he could play with it. You opened the door and you saw someone standing outside your yard looking straight at you. Your heart skipped a beat in panic! The man looked at you surprised. Like he didn’t expect you to open the door and see him standing outside! Dean run outside before you could stop him! The man turned and looked at him. His surprised expression turned to a melancholic smile.. No! It can’t be! Your hands started trembling! Your heart started beating like a drum with fear and surprise! You could hear it in your ears and you could feel it in your whole body! You knew something was really wrong! You couldn’t be seeing what you were seeing! Your eyes got wide and you started breathing fast! You yelled immediately without a second thought for Dean to come back inside! Right now! To be close to you so you could protect him! Cause that was either a shifter or a demon or something worse!!!

“ DEAN!” You yelled in an urgent tone!!! Both the man and your son trurned to look at you at the sound of their name!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on May 9th... :-)


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is he back...or not?

“DEAN!”

Dean run close to you hearing the urgency in your voice. He didn’t turn around and he didn’t notice the man...no...the monster...behind him. Once he was close to you you put your arms around him and you felt relieved immediatelynow that he was in your arms and you could protect him. Your heart was racing in your chest and your mind was working at full speed trying to figure out what to do! You looked at the man again. He was looking at you. A melancholic expression on his face. Yours reflected the anger and the fear you were feeling that whatever he was had the courage to walk to your door and put your children in danger. He wasn’t moving so you turned to Dean and kneeled as fast as you could.

“ Baby...” You said and brushed his hair with a smile. But the tone of your voice was different. Urgent. And Dean understood that something was not right although he had no idea what. He listened to you carefully with a determined look on his face. “You go upstairs in Charlie’s room and you lock the door and you won’t open the door to anyone. Not even me or Dad unless we tell you that your glass of apple juice is ready...” You said. It was your attempt at establishing a code between you. Something to keep him and Charlie safe. Charlie’s room was warded and had devil’s traps all over just like Dean’s but you felt it was safer if they were in the same room. Dean looked outside at the man. He definitely seemed familiar to him but he probably assumed that it was just a random guy that looked like Uncle Dean. Or maybe he didn’t make the conection to his uncle at all. He hugged you confused and went upstairs. You waited to hear the door of Charlie’s room close not taking your eyes away from the man. But seconds before you heard the door he started walking towards you. You could hear your heart in your ears and feel it in your whole body. You had nothing on you or around you that you could use as a weapon. Your only advantage was that he didn’t know that. You walked outside so that when you’d meet he’d be as far away from your home and your children as possible. You had a determined and aggressive look on your face. When you were close he opened his mouth to speak but you spoke before he could.

“ You take another step I will slit your throat...” You said in a low voice full of rage looking straight into his eyes. He didn’t even flinch. His expression didn’t change. “ I don’t know what you are and I don’t care... You get the hell out of here now! And maybe...Just maybe...I’ll let you leave... If not I will kill you right here right now!” You said still looking straight into his eyes. He looked back at yours. He chuckled. Your heart skipped a beat. You haven’t heard that chuckle in so long! And now it sent chills down your spine! You knew it wasn’t real! And that it meant that you weren’t selling it well! And if he killed you know your children were completely defenceless! You didn’t flinch.

“ You’re bluffing...” He said. You felt your heart beating faster with fear. He could kill you any second now. You decided to continue your bluff cause that was your only chance.

“ You wanna find out ?” You asked in a threatening tone. He took a deep calm breath.

“ I’m not going to hurt you... I’m not...” He started saying but before he could say another word you grabbed the collar of his shirt with so much force and you practically started dragging him inside. You had to get him to the devil’s trap under the carpet of your front door. And if that didn’t work you had to get him to the kitchen where you had knives and salt! Things to defend yourself and your children. And of course in the house you could kill it without anyone noticing. He was surprised by that but he didn’t resist. Or maybe he couldn’t resist! The adrenaline in your veins and your instinct to protect Dean and Charlie made you so strong! You walked through the door and made a few stepts still draging him. He walked out of the devil’s trap with no difficulty! Shifter then! You dragged him straight to the kitchen in a few seconds! You walked through the kitchen door and you slammed him against the sink and he left a growl of pain. He turned around to look at you and you were pleased to see his eyes wide open in surprise and fear. His collar had almost teared. You didn’t waste a second! You immediately reached for the knife on the table. It was a silver knife. You and Sam decided to have some of them around since you moved in just in case. He looked at the knife in your hand and then in your eyes. Your instinct was to stab him. But if it was a demon the silver knife would do nothing. Sure he went through the devil’s trap but maybe it was broken and you hadn’t notice! So you decided to move close to him and test him. You wanted to exclude the shifter possiblility and of course get the salt that was right next to him in case he was a demon. You moved closer and grabbed his hand with too much force! He didn’t resist. You were surprised but you didn’t stop. You were ready to stab him if he made a single move to attack you. But he just clenched his fist and exposed his wrist to you. You lifted his sleeve with enough force to tear it. And looked him in the eyes as a warning not to make a single move. He didn’t resist. He must be really sure that the silver knife won’t work. Apparently you had to do with a very determined and stupid demon! You eyed the salt next to him and you cut a deep cut on his arm. Nothing just like you expected! Without watsing a single second you reached for the salt and threw enough on his face waiting to see him burn and earn some time to think of your next move! But to your surprise all he did was close his eyes and take a disgusted expression when the salt entered his mouth. You flinched and made a couple of steps back! You just didn’t know what to do!You didn’t expect that! He was not a shifter or a demon! You swallowed hard and your mind started working as fast as possible as you were trying to understand what was going on! You didn’t let the salt or the knife go. He turned around to wash his face in the sink! He had too much faith in you. Being so sure that you wouldn’t stab him once he turned his back. Or maybe he believed that you wouldn’t do it because of who he appeared to be... He turned around again before you could decide what to do. He took some paper and covered the cut on his arm that was bleeding a lot. Spots of blood were on his jeans and on the floor.

“ Wow...” He chuckled checking his shirt. The paper was getting soaked in blood. He looked back at your scared and confused expression. He looked down and then he looked at you again with a serious expression on his face.

“Who are you?” You asked. Still thinking that the most fitting question would be what are you.

“ I’m Dean...” He answered to you.

“ Dean is dead! He has been dead for eight years!” You said raising your voice a little. Your mind still trying to make sense of all this. But you didn’t believe him...

“ I was...” He answered you and before you could say anything else he continued. “ I told you I couldn’t make that promise...” He said in a gruff voice looking straight into your eyes with a serious melancholic expression” Your heart skipped a beat. Only you and Dean knew about that conversation. About you asking him to promise you that you wouldn’t lose him. About him telling you that it was a promise he couldn’t make. You started breathing heavlily. “ You slept in my arms for the rest of the night, remember?” He said in the same gruff voice with a small melancholic smile on his face. And yes. You did remember! The question was how did he? You were trying to wrap your mind around it! How did he know about this. He could only know about this if he really was Dean! If he really was back from the dead. Only you didn’t buy it! Dean has been dead for eight years! Something wasn’t right! But you had no idea what and he seemed interested to convince you that it was him. So you decided to play along. To get some extra time to figure out what was going on. You put the salt and the knife down not far away though. Close enough to be able to catch them at any second as your mind started working ways to call Sam and tell him that something was wrong. That you were probably in danger.

“ Can I sit ?” He asked pointing at the chair slightly. Would Dean ask that? Maybe, if he didn’t want to scare you... Maybe!

“ Yeah...” You said a little stunned. But mostly you faked being stunned to make sure that he didn’t understand that you didn’t trust him. He moved and sit on the chair. He sat down as the phone in your pocket started ringing. He looked at your pocket and you reached to get the phone. You noticed your hands trembling. You saw Sam’s name on the screen. Your heart flattered in your chest! He must have been calling to check on you and your children on his break. You couldn’t tell him exactly what was going on but you could give him a hint that something was wrong. That you and your children were in danger. You picked up the phone.

“ Hey...” You heard Sam’s warm voice on the phone. You looked briefly at Dean.

“ Sam...” You said and looked at him again. You wanted to say Sam’s name to see how he’d react. Give you proof that he was not Dean! You expected him to look surprised or even ask to talk to him. But all he did was lower his head and take his eyes away from you. In an attempt to be discreet? You were confused.

“ What’s going on?” You heard Sam’s voice suddenly gruff on the phone. The tone of your voice must have showed him that something wasn’t right. You confirmed his suspicions.

“Did you buy the cake for our baby’s birthday?” You asked not answering his question. Dean turned to look a you. The same melancholic smile on his face.

“ I’ll be right there...” You heard Sam’s voice gruff and in panic on the phone. Just as you expected. Neither Dean nor Charlie had birthdays any time soon. You smiled.

“ Ok...” You said pretending that Sam hadn’t just hung up. You pretend to hung up the phone. You looked back at him cautious.

“ You didn’t have to use code...” He told you looking back at you. You felt your heart sink. He continued as your fingers gently reached for the knife. “ The small crack in your voice... He knows you’re in trouble...” You were ready to grab the knife. “ At least I did...” He said and looked away again. You flinched. Dean indeed knew when you were in trouble without you having to say much.There were numerous occasions he just knew something was wrong only from the way you said his name. He never explained you how he knew. He looked back at you again and noticed your hand reaching for the knife. He smiled to you and did nothing! Nothing at all! So you asked the burning question you had in mind.

“ How did you know it was code?” Your voice sounded a little gruff. Your fingers still brushing the knife ever so slightly.

“ I assumed...” He said and you grabbed the knife. But he just checked the cut on his arm. Still bleeding. “ Every hunter would use code...” He said gruffly. You heard the door open so quietly. Your heart flattered in your chest. Sam was home! You instantly felt safer! But Dean heard the door too. He got up slowly just seconds before Sam bursted in the kitchen with his gun up and he pushed you behind him. He probably took the gun from the trunk and you also noticed the demon knife on the back pocket of his pants.

“ Get...the hell...away...from my wife!” He said in a gruff trembling with rage voice. Dean just raised his hands in surrender.

“Wow...Sam... Calm down...” He said. But you knew that Sam wouldn’t calm down. What he was seeing was a demon or a shifter impersonating his dead brother. “ Sammy... It’s me!...It’s Dean...” He said in a calm gruff voice and you saw Sam flinching as he noticed the cut on his arm. He turned to look at you. You were now standing next to him. He didn’t lower his gun.

“ He’s not a demon or a shifter...” You said and looked straight in Sam’s eyes. You saw his eyes turning wide open. He looked at him again. He didn’t lower his gun! The fact that he was not a demon or a shifter didn’t necessarily mean he was Dean!

“ Dean?” He asked with a gruff voice. Not sure what to believe. Asking for proof that he was really his brother. Dean smiled to him so happy to see him. Or at least it looked that way. Sam didn’t smile back and he didn’t lower his gun! Dean opened his mouth to say something but before he could you all heard a baby crying and then.

“ MOOOM...CHARLIE IS CRYING....” Dean yelled from upstairs.

“ In a minute, baby...” You yelled back still looking at Sam and what seemed to be Dean. He moved and Sam held his gun tighter showing to him that he was not yet convinced and that he wouldn’t hesitate to shoot.

“OK, MOM...” You heard Dean’s voice from upstairs. Dean hesitated for a second and then turned to Sam and smiled to him playfully. Sam looked at him confused for a second.

“ Ok...” Dean said chuckling and he continued. “ Remember when you were eight... Winter, afternoon... at home with the...”

“DUDE!” Sam exclaimed surprised and offended. You looked at him surprised at his reaction.

“ Right...Better not to say that out loud...” Dean chuckled enjoying Sam’s distress.

“ Yeah!” Sam said with his eyes wide open relieved that Dean wouldn’t continue.You were looking at him confused but it was obvious that they both knew what they were talking about. And apparently it was something only Sam and Dean knew.

“ Dad was laughing so hard...” Dean chuckled again and then he smiled melancholically at Sam. “One of the few times I actually saw him laugh...” He concluded in a gruff voice.

“ Yeah...” Sam agreed in a gruff voice and lowered his gun. They looked at each other for a few moments and then Dean made a few steps and hugged Sam. Sam hugged him back and you saw his eyes getting wet.

“ I’ve missed you, Sammy...” Dean said smiling and his eyes were wet too.Sam hugged him back still confused and a little hesitant.

“ Me too...” Sam said finally and held Dean tight...A few seconds later they both pulled back... And they both cleared their throat. Sam blinked a few times to clear his eyes... Dean was still smiling. He smiled at you too. Believing you were now convinced of his identity. You didn’t smile back.

“ I’ll check on Charlie...” You told Sam who looked at you still in shock and nodded positively. You turned around and headed upstairs thinking you wanted to be back as fast as possible. Maybe you were overeacting but you still weren’t convinced. Ok sure! He knew a lot about you and Sam but that wasn’t enought. That could be a memory spell. Your experience as a hunter had taught you that there is a spell for anything. Whatever the hell that was you weren’t convinced it was Dean. You still had too many questions. If he really was Dean who the hell brought him back? It definitely wasn’t you or Sam. And you highly doubted it could be Cas. Why now? After all those years? And what the hell was he doing here? But for now he didn’t seem to want to hurt you but you knew you had to get Dean and Charlie away from here as fast as possible.

You got to Charlie’s room and knocked on the door. You could hear her crying.

“ Dean, your apple juice is ready...” You said and you heard the door unlock. You kneeled and kissed Dean.

“ Mom...what’s going on?” He asked you.

“ Dad has a little problem at work...” You said because you knew that Dean had most certainly heard Sam’s voice.

“ Ok...” He said brushing his eyes. “ Mom, Can I go to my room now and sleep?” He asked. You kissed his head to make sure he had no fever.

“ Yes,baby...” You said and brushed his hair.

“ Do I have to lock the door?” He asked.

“No...It’s ok...” You said and kissed his head before he left Charlie’s room and entered his. It really was ok. Because you had no intention to lose sight of his supposed Uncle. You turned to Charlie who’s diaper needed to be changed. You changed it and held her in your arms for a while to calm her down. When she started feeling sleepy again you put her back in her crib gently and kissed her little head before leaving closing the door behind. You went back downstairs in the kitchen. Both Sam and Dean were sitting on the table. You noticed Dean’s arm bandanged. Sam must have hlped him with that. You sat next to Sam.

“ How are they?” He asked about your babies.

“ The’re fine don’t worry...” You told him with a small smile. Sam nodded smiling a little too. He was still in shock. You turned to look at Dean. Your smile disappeared. Your expression full of anger and suspicion. He noticed that but he didn’t comment. Neither did Sam.

“ So...How long have you been back?” Sam asked breaking the silence. He sounded breathless. He was still trying to wrap his mind around this.

“ About a month...” Dean answered. “ One moment I was dead and the next I woke up somewhere in Kansas...Close to...well...home...” He said knowing that you probably didn’t call your old home, home anymore. “ Close to home” Probably were you scattered his ashes.

“ How did you come back?” You asked suspicious. Dean overlooked your doubting tone and answered.

“ I don’t know...” Very convenient!

“ You have no idea?” Sam asked too a little suspicious. But mostly trying to understand.

“ Nada...” He said. “ I don’t know why...I don’t know who or what!...I just woke up eight years later...” He said looking at you and Sam.

“ How did you find us?” You asked again.

“ Well...first I went home and no one was there...” You haven’t spoken to Cas for a while. You and Sam shared a look. He must have probably been on a hunt. Dean noticed it but ignored it. “Then I saw the date on a newspaper and started searching for both of you...All your phones were dead so it was not easy... I heard Sam’s name on the police radio station at some point and I came here... I found the house and I was ready to knock on the door when you both walked out with two kids...” He said and his voice sounded gruff. There was silence for a few seconds... Dean looked at you and Sam and then he continued. “I was planning to talk to you today... after Sam would get home... I wasn’t expecting you to open the door today...” He said to you. That explains his surprised look when you opened the door.

“Why didn’t you do it before?” Sam asked still trying to understand.

“ I didn’t know how... I wanted to avoid...well..pretty much all that happened...” He chuckled looking at you. You didn’t even smile. Something didn’t feel right to you. You got up and took a deep breath. There was silence for a few seconds.

“ I see you got “ Baby”... She looks good...” He said with a smile breaking the silence. He must have seen “ Baby” parked outside.

“ Yeah...” Sam said lost in his thoughts. You were looking at them talk.

“ So...You work at the police station...” Dean said again.

“ Yeah...actually...” Sam relied exhaling deeply.

“ How did you convince them you’re not Sam Winchester the criminal...?” Dean asked a little confused.

“ Some well-forged documents...talks about “bad luck” to have the same name and I look like Sam Winchester the criminal... and I was lucky the sheriff likes me...” Sam answered in a gruff voice. Dean nodded and there was silence again. You were watching Dean closely. Looking for anything unusual. Nothing so far.“Where are you staying?” Sam asked finally. Cas had the keye to your old home so Dean couldn’t be staying there.

“ Motels...” He answered. He made a small pause. “ I’m hunting again...” He informed you and Sam. You nodded. Sam nodded too.

“ I’m gonna check on Dean...” You said looking at Dean and then Sam and you walked out of the kitchen. You didn’t really need to check on Dean. Mostly you just needed some time to think. Trying to wrap your mind around this and understand what’s going on. You were close to Dean’s room. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath when you felt two arms reaching for you from behind. You were startled and you turned around scared.

“ Sorry...” Sam apologised for scaring you.

“ It’s ok...” You said and burried your head in his chest eager for the comfort and safety he made you feel. He wrapped his arms around you and kissed your head. You both pulled back looking at each other troubled and serious. “ What is he doing...?” You asked.

“ He was hungry... He’s eating...” Sam answered. You took a deep troubled breath.

“ I don’t buy it...” You said going straight to the point. Sam looked at you confused. “ Something is not right...” You said.

“( Y/N), he has Dean’s memories...He’s not a demon and he’s not a shifter...” He started saying to you.

“ Memories can be a spell...” You said.

“ No spell that we know of...” Sam continued.

“ There’s a spell for everything.” You said again.

“ You think he might be a witch?” Sam asked not really believing it.

“ Memory and transformation spell?...” You asked considering the posibility. “ He could be...” You said. Sam took a deep breath.

“ Don’t you think it’s a little far- fetched?”He asked you. You knew he didn’t believe Dean could be a witch. But you also knew that he wouldn’t take any chances with you or your children.

“ We both know that we have enemies that could do a lot worse to hurt us or our babies...” You said determined. Finally having an explanation that made sense in your head.

“ Yeah...” He said taking a deep breath thinking about it. After a small pause he spoke again. “ So what do we do?” He asked.

“ We sent Dean and Charlie to Jody for one...” You said. Sam took a deep breath. He didn’t want to sent your babies away and he didn’t really think it was necessary. But he wasn’t willing to take any risks. If there was even a tiny chance that Dean and Charlie could be in danger he was willing to do anything to keep them safe.

“ Alright...” He said. You nodded.

“ We need to keep an eye on him...” You said.

“ We could ask him to stay here tonight...” Sam replied. “ We can keep an eye on him and exclude any posibility he’s not Dean...” Sam concluded.

“ Ok...” You agreed. “ I’ll go check on him...” You said.

“ I’ll check on Dean and Charlie...” Sam said. You shared a tender kiss and you pulled back. You headed down the stairs and Sam headed in Dean’s room. You entered the kitchen where you found Dean eating. He lifted his head from his plate and looked at you. You looked back at him. Searching for signs that something wasn’t right. You couldn’t find something. But the feeling in your gut said otherwise. You sat down without saying anything. Dean didn’t start eating again. He was staring at you for a few moments and he finally said.

“ Look, I know it’s a lot to take in...” He started but you interrrupted him.

“ Yeah, It is...” You said and you looked in his eyes. Your tone was harsh. Dean just nodded and didn’t speak again. He decided it was best if he didn’t say anything.You took a deep breath to clear your head. “ You can have a shower if you want...” You said again with a warmer voice. “ When you are done...” You added pointing slightly at his plate. You knew he’d say yes. Any shower was better than motel shower. And you wanted him to say yes. Cause that would give you the oportunity to search his clothes. Maybe there was something there.

“ Thanks...” He said and smiled to you a little. You just exhaled deeply.

“ Hey...” Sam’s voice behind you. You turned to look at him. “They’re both sleeping...” He explained. You nodded smiling a little. Dean got really tired vomiting all day for the past three days. He still needed a lot of rest. You got up.

“ Charlie will wake up any minute now...” She hasn’t eaten for hours. Both you and Sam knew she’d wake up soon feeling hungry. Sam nodded and you walked outside. You went upstairs to check on her and when you went back downstairs you found Sam in the living room with his phone in hand. He told you he called Jody and that she’d be there in a couple of hours. He also called Cas but he wasn’t picking up. Charlie woke up and Dean woke up too around the same time. Both of them hungry. You fed Charlie and Sam brought Dean to the kitchen and served him something dry. His uncle wasn’t there anymore. He was in your room changing. You and Sam took advantage of that time to get your babies ready for when Jody would come. When they were both ready in the living room waiting for Jody you heard the water running in the bathroom of your bedroom. You waved at Sam and you both nodded to each other. Sam kissed Dean’s and Charlie’s head who were watching tv and he left the house to find Dean’s car and see if there was something suspicious there. He told him what car he was driving when they were alone. You went upstairs and found two towels. You entered your room as silently as possible. You found all of Dean’s clothes there on your bed. You left the towels on the bed and started searching his pockets hearing the water run. You found nothing. But maybe you found nothing because anything suspicious was in the bathroom with him. He wouldn’t leave his clothes exposed like that if there was anything for you to find there. If he was carrying something he probably took it in the bathroom with him. And just as you made that thought you heard the water stop. You took the towels in your hands again and you rushed to knock on the door.

“ I brought you towels...” You said calmly.

“ Thanks...” You heard Dean’s gruff voice and the door opened, You stepped aside and he walked outside with a towel around his waist. “ Sam gave me one...” He said smiling to you. You nodded and checked his hands. He was holding nothing. You looked in the bathroom as he was heading to his clothes. Nothing suspicious in there either. Maybe Sam found something. You turned around and headed to the closet. You opened it and took one of Sam’s shirts and pants. Dean was watching you trying to figure what were you doing. You left the clothes next to his.

“ Yousr are all bloody...” You said and your voice sounded slightly warm. You turned around to leave.

“ Sam’s clothes?” He asked chuckling. “ That’s gonna be fun...” He said. You turned around and looked at him.

“ They might be a little big but they’ll fit...” You said blankly. Dean just nodded with a serious expression on his face. His smile was gone. You left the room closing the door behind you. You went down the stairs just as Sam opened the door and walked back in. You both checked on your babies first who were watching tv. Dean was narrating to Charlie again. You smiled and you both turned to each other.

“ Did you find anything?” You asked Sam.

“ Nothing” He replied. “ You?” He asked.

“ No...” You said disappointed and brushed your eyes. Your head started hurting. There has to be something. Something wasn’t right.

“ (Y/N)...Maybe he is just...Dean...” Sam said to you in his warm voice. And you could hear how much he wanted to believe that. How much he wanted his brother to be back.

“ I don’t know, Sam...” You stated saying. “ Something doesn’t feel right to me...” You explained. You weren’t sure why that was but you were feeling like something was wrong. “ Maybe he is back without his soul?” You made a wild guess. But that didn’t seem right to you either.

“ He didn’t come here before because he didn’t want to scare us... That doesn’t sound soulless to me...” Sam said in the same warm voice dismissing your point.

“ You’re right...” You said brushing your eyes. Your headache was getting worse. Maybe he really was Dean...But no! You didn’t exactly know why but something in your gut was telling you that something was wrong. “ Still something doesn’t feel right...” You told Sam looking at him with a troubled and worried expression on your face. Before you could say anything more you heard the doorbell. You went to open the door and Sam went to get your babies ready.

“ Hello...” Jody greeted you smiling widely. You gave her a small smile back.

“ Hi...” You murmured. You sounded troubled and Jody noticed that. Sam greeted her too from the living room but he didn’t sound much happier. You didn’t invite Jody in cause as you explained her she would leave with your babies immeditely. Sam kissed Charlie’s head and she rested her little head on her Dad’s shoulders feeling comfortable and safe. Sam brushed her back gently and passed her to you. She put her tiny arms around your neck babbling in your ear. You genuinely smiled. Sam kneeled and hugged Dean.

“ I love you, Dad...” Dean said as he was hugging Sam after they said goodbye.

“ I love you too, Buddy...” Sam said and kissed Dean’s head when he pulled back. You kissed Charlie’s head tenderly and you passed her to Jody. Sam kissed the top of your head and went upstairs to check on Dean. You took your baby’s little hand and walked together to Jody’s car as she was putting Charlie in the car.

“ Goodbye, Baby...” You said and kissed his head.

“ Goodbye,Mom...I love you...” He told you and kissed your cheek.

“ I love you too...” You said helping him to fasten his seatbelt. You kissed his head once more and brushed Charlie’s little hand and you closed the car door. Jody approached you.

“ (Y/N), What’s going on?” She asked worried. She understood from yours and Sam’s reaction that something was wrong. And it was unusual for you to call her to take the kids in such sort notice and in the middle of the week. You took a deep breath.

“ I’ll explain tomorrow...” You said and looked back at your home briefly. You and Sam would visit your babies tomorrow and if you could you would explain Jody what happened too. And you knew it would be a lot to take in too. You hugged her goodbye and you headed back home as she started the car.

You went back inside to find Sam and Dean in the living room. Sam’s clothes were a little big for Dean but not as much as you expected. Sam was holding a blanket and a pillow and he was about to set them on the couch. They both turned to look at you when you walked in. There was a moment of heavy silence. Finally you looked at Dean.

“ Goodnight...” You said and went upstairs. You lied on the bed. Dean’s bloody clothes weren’t there any more. Sam must have taken them to laundry. You lied on the bed getting lost in your thoughts. Something still seemed wrong to you...Something in your gut was telling you that this was not Dean... You were coming back to the same questions. How did he come back? ( if he really is back). Why now?... But he did know things no one else knew. He did have Dean’s memories. He is not a demon and he is not a shifter. And no spell is that powwerful to last for all those hours. And he had nothing suspicious on him or with him...Could it really be Dean? Your heart tightened at the thought of him being the person you and Sam loved so much...But it still didn’t feel right to you. Maybe it just seemed that way... Part of you wanted to believe it. But part of you didn’t because that would mean that something big was going on and that could mean that you and Sam your kids...and Dean... were in danger... You closed your eyes as your headache was kicking in... You heard Sam walk in and you felt the bed move as he lied next to you with slow and gentle moves. You didn’t open your eyes. Seconds later you felt his hand brushing your belly, wrapping around you protectively.

“ Hey...” You heard his gruff voice in your ear. You opened your eyes slightly and offered him a small smile before twisting to rest your head on his chest. His hands gently rubbing your back in a comforting and protective way. He was troubled too. He wanted to believe that Dean was back. But he didn’t want to be naive and put you and your kids in danger. “ Are you alright?” He asked brushing your back.

“ My head hurts...” You answered exhaling deeply. You felt him take a deep breath. “Long day...” He said chuckling melancholically.

“ Yeah...” You admitted with a small troubled chuckle too. You moved and made yourself more comfortable in his arms. You gently brushed his neck relaxing him as his hands on your back relaxed you. You both stayed there feeling calmer in each other’s arms. Feeling each other’s breaths. Feeling safe... You both couldn’t sleep...Your minds were crowded. And you weren’t sure if it was safe to sleep. You only fell asleep early in the morning and when you opened your eyes again Sam was still brushing your back soothingly. You pulled up a little to look at him. His eyes were a little red and you suspected that’s how your eyes looked like too.

“ Did you get any sleep?” You asked him brushing his cheek gently.

“ Not much...” He told you in a gruff and troubled voice. You nodded in understanding. You brushed his hair and he closed his eyes briefly to enjoy your touch. You pressed his lips on his gently and you closed your eyes enjoying his lips moving against yours and his arms pulling you a little closer. You pulled back smiling to each other lovingly. “ I told Jody we’ll visit today...You know...see our kids and...” You took a deep breath. “ Explain her what’s going on.”

“ Yeah...” Sam said exhaling deeply.You were both still trying to wrap your minds around what happened. “ I took the rest of the week off...And I called mrs Feegs too...” He informed you.

“ Right...” You said and covered your head with your hand. “Work...” You said and lowered your hand again. You forgot about work. You offered Sam a small smile and he smiled back. You gently pressed your lips on his in a tender kiss. You both closed your eyes getting lost in that kiss. He brushed your cheek soothingly. You both pulled back and you shared a small smile before getting up... You both got dressed and you headed downstairs. Dean was not on the couch. You found him in the kitchen.

“ Hey” He said in a gruff voice turning to briefly look at you and Sam. “ I made coffee...” He said when you walked in.

“ Thanks...” Sam said smiling to him a little. Dean turned around to look at you holding a cup on his hand. Black coffee...His eyes were a little red too. It seems no one slept well last night... You sat down as Sam served himself some coffee.Then he filled a cup for you and he was ready to hand it to you.

“ You forgot the sugar...” Dean said to Sam taking a sip of his coffee. You used to drink your coffee with sugar but the last couple of years you preffered your coffee with no sugar at all. Sam knew that and he hesitated for a second before giving you the cup. He looked at you waiting for confirmation. You looked at both of them for a second.

“No sugar...thanks...” You rushed to say and your voice sounded a little gruff. Dean stared at you for a couple of seconds surprised and confused and then he looked back at his coffee. He nodded to himself accepting what you just said with a serious expression on his face. Sam cleared his throat and handed you your coffee and you offered him a small smile. Sam smiled back to you. You saw Dean looking away at what seemed like an attempt to be discreet again. When Sam sat next to you you took a sip of your coffee and Dean sat down as well.

“ How did you sleep?” Sam asked.

“ Great...” Dean answered. “ It’s a nice couch...” He added. He was lying. He probably didn’t sleep at all. Sam must have detected that too.

“ Good...” He said in a gruff voice smiling a little but he didn’t say anything more.

“ So what’s in for today?” You asked Dean.

“Nothing much...” He said to you. But you didn’t like his expression. He seemed like he wanted to spill something out and he didn’t know how. “ Just getting some rest cause...tomorrow I’m going on a hunt...” He said. You and Sam nodded.

“ I assume you’d like “Baby” back?” You asked calmly.

“ No..no...She’s in good hands...” He said with a melancholic smile. You looked at him surprised. He didn’t want the impala back? That feeling in your gut got stronger.

“ When will you be back?” Sam asked. You knew he didn’t like his brother taking off so fast. If at all.

“ Three days...” Dean answered. “ It’s a two hour ride from here...” He went on to explain. He hesitated for a second and then he added. “ But I need your help...” He said to Sam and you looked at him startled. Now **that** you didn’t like at all.

“ We don’t hunt anymore...” You said casually. Dean looked at you and started nodding but...

“ What kind of hunt is it?” Sam asked and you turned to look at him startled. Was he seriously considering this?

“ Werewolves...A whole pack...” Dean answered. “ That’s why I need help and you’re the best hunter in the world...” He told Sam.

“ I don’t know, Dean...” Sam said troubled. He couldn’t decide just yet what he should do. You were ready to speak when your phone rung. You got up and got it out of your pocket heading out of the kitchen. You picked up.

“ Goodmorning,Mom...” You heard Dean’s excited voice.

“ Goodmorning, Baby...” You said smiling. “ How are you?” You asked. Sam had joined you in the living room now.

“ Fine...Charlie is crying a little...” He said happily. “ Jody will take us to the park today...” He said excited. “ Is Dad there?” He asked.

“ Yeah...You wanna talk to him?” You asked Dean turning to look at Sam.

“ Yes...” He answered and you gave the phone to Sam.

“ Hello, Buddy...” Sam said on the phone smiling. You started heading upstairs to take a shower. “ Yeah...Mom and I will be there in the afternoon...” Sam said in the distance. A few seconds after you entered your room Sam walked in too and left your phone on your nightstand. He turned to you and you shared a troubled look.

“ I don’t think you should go...” You said getting straight to the point.

“ He needs my help...” He told you working it in his mind.

“ Oh,come on! Non of it seems wierd to you?” You asked. “ I’m telling you something doesn’t feel right...” You said to him.

“( Y/N)...He is not a demon or a shifter or even a witch...Don’t you think that he might actually be Dean?” He asked trying to get through to you. But you still weren’t convinced. And the feeling in your gut was telling you that something was wrong.

“ He’s been dead for 8 years! 8 years, Sam!...Why come back now? And how? He doesn’t know! Doesn’t that seem even a little suspicious to you?” You said trying to make him see what you were seeing.

“ It’s not the first time that happened...” He argued.

“ It’s the first time after 8 whole years...” You said back.

“ Ok...We don’t know how or why he’s back but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not...” He told you.

“ Would Dean ever say “no” to taking “ Baby” back?!” You objected.

“ I don’t know... Maybe if he thought we need it more with two kids and all...” He argued and you could see he started losing patience.

“ We already have a car! Yours!” You said.

“ He might not know that!” He answered.

“ Yeah,right...” You said sarcastically.

“ Maybe he is just my brother needing help on a hunt!” He continued.

“No! The Dean I know would never bring Sam back to hunting when he’s finally happy out of the life...” You spitted out.

“Maybe he would if he actually needed help!” Sam said.

“ He wouldn’t need particularly **your** help for a simple werewolf hunt...” You objected.

“ Maybe he wants to spend some time with me... Doing what we did since we were kids!” He argued.

“ If he wanted to spend time with you he could take you for beers not a hunt... “ You said.

“ Maybe you just don’t want to admit that Dean is back without us or him knowing how and why because you’re scared of what it could mean for us and our children...” He said calmly. “ And it scares me too...It really does... But that doesn’t mean that he is not really back...” He said. You could hear it in his voice that he was scared of what it could mean for you and your babies. And you were scared of that too. But that was not the problem. Something didn’t feel right to you. And as much as the repercussions of Dean being back scared you you knew this was not about your fears. Something felt amiss...

“ Maybe you just want your brother back so bad you are ignoring every red flag...” You replied. “Something in my gut tells me that something is not right...” You said in a calm but firm tone and headed to the bathroom. You had a shower and then you went back downstairs. Dean was watching tv and Sam was making lunch. Something simple. You didn’t speak much. You just ate and then you and Sam left to go to Jody’s. You didn’t feel good leaving Dean at your home alone but there wasn’t much he could do without you there. You kept in mind to check for hex bags when you’d go back. On your way to Jody’s you and Sam didn’t speak much. When you arrived at Jody’s Dean run to hug you and you were both so happy to see him and Charlie. You spent the rest of the afternoon with Jody and your babies. Jody noticed the tension between you and Sam but she didn’t say anything in front of Dean. Dean knew that tomorrow you had to be back home so he asked you and Sam if you could stay tonight at Jody’s so he could see you in the morning. You and Sam thought it was a good opportunity to clear your heads so you agreed. Sam called Dean to inform him. You still didn’t like him staying at your home without you there but still there weren’t many things he could do. Plus you had the impala so all of your weapons were with you. By the time Dean went to bed Jody had to go to bed too because she had to get up early in the morning and make a phone call about a case (since she took the day off to take care of Dean and Charlie) leaving you and Sam still awake. You were sitting on the couch as Sam was washing the dishes in the kitchen. He offered so Jody could get some sleep. You were lost in your thoughts when you heard the water in the sink stop. You lifted your head and saw Sam walking outside the kitchen. He looked back at you switching off the lights in the kitchen. You turned your head in front of you again. He moved and sat next to you with slow and careful moves.

“ I’m sorry about earlier...” He said. You turned to look at him a little confused. He took a deep breath and continued to explain. “Some things really don’t seem right...” He said exhaling deeply and brushed his eyes troubled.

“ I’m sorry too...” You said in a calm voice. “ Some things do seem right...” You admitted. “ He has Dean’s memories and we know he’s not a shifter or a demon...” You said looking at Sam troubled too. He wrapped his arms around you protectively and you closed your eyes and you let yourself lie on his chest enjoying the comfort of his embrace. You spend a few moments just breathing him in and feeling his steady breaths as he was holding you tight and his thumbs were brushing you soothingly. “ Will you go on the hunt?” You asked finally in a calm voice. He took a deep breath.

“I think I should...” He said and you exhaled deeply without looking at him. “ It’s a case quite close to us...sooner or later we’d have to take care of it...” He explained. He had a point. He took a deep breath before continuing. “ And I’ll be able to make sure he is really Dean...” He said. Spending more time with Dean in a situation that it was familiar to both of them he would be able to understand if something was out of the ordinary. They’ve been doing this since they were kids. If something was really wrong he would most certainly notice it during a hunt. “ And if he is not Dean...” He started saying. You could hear in his voice the pain this possibility caused him. He took a deep breath again. “ We deal with it...” He concluded. You closed your eyes again and you pressed your head against his chest.

“ I’m scared Sam...” You murmured. “ I don’t wnna lose you...” You said again and you felt your eyes getting wet.

“ You won’t...” He said in a very determined tone. “ ( Y/N), I’m not gonna take any chances... We have two children now and I’m not gonna risk losing them or you...” He continued in a firm tone. You raised your head and looked at him.

“ You call me and tell me you’re fine...” You said. “ You don’t text...You call...” You clarified. “ Anyone could text from your phone. I wanna hear your voice...” You explained in a firm tone.

“ I promise...” He said and kissed your lips. He pulled back. “ And I’ll call our babies too...” He chuckled. You chuckled too. He continued. “ And I’ll call you the moment something doesn’t seem right...” He said in the same firm tone.

“ Ok...” You wispered and nodded.

“ I’ll be back before you and the kids know it...” He said in a warm voice brushing your cheek. You smiled. “ I love you so much...” He said and his voice sounded a little gruff. He reached for your lips kissing you tenderly. You put your hands on his neck and pulled back.

“ I love you too, Sam...” You said and kissed his lips briefly. You pulled back. “ I love you...” You repeated wispering before you started moving your lips against each other’s in a passionate and loving kiss. He pulled you a little closer and you run your fingers through his hair. With slow and gentle moves you were on top of him as his back was touching the back of the couch without breaking the kiss. His hands made their way firmly but carefully from your neck to your hips. And then back at your neck gently unbottoning your shirt. He unbottoned the first few buttons and planted a firm but loving kiss on your neck. You sighed... Both of you trying to be as quiet as possible... He lifted you up and you headed to the room Jody had prepared for you. You lied on the bed and pulled each other closer. As close as possible... You barely left a sound as things were getting even more passionate. And when you almost moaned Sam kissed your lips to stop you... After you were done you were both sweaty and breathless. Sam had wrapped his arms around you protectively and you had rested your head and your hands on his chest exhausted as you both started falling asleep in each other’s arms...

The next morning you got up and after you had breakfast with Jody and your babies. ( Sam fed up Charlie...) You kissed them goodbye. You explained Dean that Sam would have to go away for a few days for work and that you’d pick him and Charlie back the next day to go back home.

“ How long will you be gone?” Dean asked Sam who was kneeling in front of him.

“ Three days, Buddy...” Sam said smiling at Dean.

“ And when you’ll be back can we go to the park?”Dean asked.

“ Yeah...” Sam answered smiling and kissed Dean’s head. You hugged and kissed Dean too and then you both kissed Charlie goodbye and headed home. When you returned you found Dean doing research on the case. As discreetly as possible you and Sam checked for any hex bags and as you both expected you found nothing. You weren’t convinced yet that Dean was Dean but if he wanted to plant a hex bag he would have done it already. You helped Sam and Dean get ready for the hunt. They decided to use Sam’s car so you could use “Baby” that had the special seats for your babies installed. The night before you barely slept again. When you woke up really early in the morning both you and Sam had red eyes and so did Dean. In about an hour they were ready to go. You stood at the door to say goodbye. Dean moved to the kitchen not looking at you and Sam saying he was thirsty. Trying to give you some space to say goodbye. Trying to be discreet again. You wrapped your arms around his neck and he held you tight.

“ I love you...” He said in a low and warm voice in your ear.

“ I love you too...” You said in a low voice too. You pulled back and you shared a loving kiss. Sam pulled back and headed to the car to put his bag in the trunk. Dean walked out of the kitchen and moved close to you. He turned to look at you. You looked at Sam behind him and then at his eyes.

“ If anything happens to him...” You started saying but you didn’t finish your sentence. You weren’t sure if that was a warning or confiding your fears in Dean.

“ I know...” Dean said in his gruff voice with a serious expression on his face. He was responding to your warning. But at the same time he was giving you a promise to bring Sam back safe. Or maybe that’s how it seemed to you because you wanted so much to believe that he was Dean now... “ Bye...” He said again offering you a melancholic smile.

“ Bye...” You said too and your voice sounded warm. He turned around , walked outside and entered the car. You and Sam shared a loving smile... He entered the car too. They left and you closed the door hoping that everything would be alright...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter on May 23d... :-)


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Sam are on a hunt...

You closed the door behind you after Sam and Dean left and took a deep breath to calm yourself down. You still weren’t convinced that Dean was back and because of that you couldn’t get rid of that tight feeling in your chest. You were worried about Sam but if there was one thing you knew was that he was the best hunter in the whole damn world. You got your phone from your pocket and called Cas... He wasn’t answering... You called again... You didn’t like this... By now he should have seen your call from yesterday and he should have called you back...You’d tell Sam about it when you’d speak with him... You closed your eyes for a brief moment and then you moved to the kitchen to get some coffee. No sugar... You drunk it fast and then went upstairs to get ready. You wanted to get to Jody early so you could have time to explain to her what was going on ( and you had a lot to explain!) and you wanted to help her pack Dean’s and Charlie’s stuff. And of course you missed your babies... You missed waking up to make them breakfast... You missed Charlie’s babbling ( hoping you would hear the words “Mama” and “Dada” soon) and you missed Dean’s excited voice at the possibility of you and Sam taking him to the playground or the park. So you entered the car with a small smile on your face and a small flatter in your chest at the thought of seeing your babies. You started driving... On your way there Dean called to see where you were. He really wanted to see you. You promised him that you’d be there soon. When you arrived and knocked on the door you heard Dean running to the door.

“It’s Mom!” He said as he was getting closer to the door. You heard his little footsteps approaching fast. He opened the door before Jody could. “ Mom!” He said smiling widely and running to hug you. You kneeled and hugged him back with a smile on your face. You kissed his little head.

“ Hello,baby!” You said pulling back. You got up and walked inside along with Jody who was standing at the door holding Charlie. Once you were in she passed Charlie to you and turned to close the door. Charlie was giggling clearly happy to see you.

“Hello, baby girl...” You said brushing her little head. Charlie offered you a big (still) toothless smile and then rested her head sleepily on your shoulder. You chuckled and kissed her little head brushing her back gently. Jody smiled to you and you moved to the couch. Dean sat next to you. You spend some time talking with Jody and then you asked Dean to make sure he had all his toys packed. He went to check and you put Charlie in her rocking chair as she had fallen asleep. Once Dean was gone Jody sat opposite from you. She had a concerned look on her face and you looked back at her and your expression reflected that tight feeling in your chest and your troubled mind.

“ (Y/N), what’s going on?” She asked you in a calm caring voice. You took a deep breath. You didn’t know what to say. You had so many things to explain and you didn’t know where to start. Jody was just looking at you waiting for an answer but she wasn’t getting one. She took a deep breath and spoke again.

“ Is something wrong between you and Sam?” She asked firmly. You were startled! You looked at her with your eyes wide open with surprise.

“ What?!...No!...Hell no!” You rushed to say. Your expression full of surprise and confusion!

“Well, first you called me to take the kids out of the blue then when you came here two days ago you were barely speaking to each other and the next morning Sam told Dean he’d be gone for a few days and you said you’d take Dean and Charlie home after Sam would leave! What was I supposed to think?” She asked you angry and offended. And she was right. You told her you’d explain and you haven’t explained anything to her yet. You took a deep troubled breath and you looked back at her.

“ You’re right...I’m sorry...” You said. “Me and Sam are fine...” You said and a small smile formed on your face when you thought of Sam.

“ Where is he then?” She asked. “ Cause if he was gone for work you wouldn’t look like that...” She explained. Her tone still a little aggressive. You took another deep breath and answered truthfully.

“ He’s on a hunt...” You made a small pause as Jody looked at you a little surprised and confused. You exhaled deeply and added. “...With Dean...” You looked straight at Jody. Her eyes narrowed trying to understand what she just heard and then they slowly turned wide with surprise. Her jaw started dropping. She looked at you like that for a few seconds and then she shook her head slightly to come back from the shock.

“ Dean is back?” She asked breathlessly.

“ I’m not sure...” You said looking at her troubled and you started explaining to her everything that happened since you opened the door and you saw Dean standing outside your home. Everything he told you. Your concerns, your doubts. And after you were done she was still looking at you with her eyes wide open still trying to process everything you told her...

“ And you don’t believe he’s back?” She asked finally.

“ I have doubts...” You said taking a deep troubled breath. “ But either way...We’re in trouble...Cause if he’s not back Sam’s in danger and if he **is** back... We need to know how he came back and why...And I’m not sure we’ll like the answer...” You said and burried your head in your palm as you started getting a headache.You were getting a headache every time you thought about it.

“ Wow...” Jody said lying back on the couch still trying to process things.

“ Yeah...” You said blankly. In the next few minutes both you and Jody were lost in your thoughts. She was still trying to process the fact that Dean was back after eight years...And she was probably struggling to believe that just like you. You on the other hand were worried about Sam...and now Cas... You were both sitting in silence and all you could hear was Dean’s footsteps as he was playing with his toys. He went to pack but apparently he decided to take a small break to play...Your phone started ringing breaking the silence. You got it from your pocket and looked at the screen. You smiled gently and picked it up as Jody was looking at you.

“ Hey...” You heard Sam’s warm voice on the phone.

“ Hey...” You said in a calm warm voice smiling widely now that you heard his voice and he sounded alright. You felt your heart flattering in your chest and your spirits were lifted. “ How is it going?” You asked.

“ Fine... Nothing seems out of the ordinary...We stopped to grab a bite and I called you... Then I’ll call Jody to talk to Dean too...” He chuckled.

“ You don’t have to...I’m already at Jody’s... Wait a second....” You said smiling. “ Dean!” You called him raising your voice. “ Dad’s on the phone...You wanna talk to him?” You continued on the same tone. There was a moment of silence and then you heard Dean running eager to talk to his Dad. “ Careful...” You said calmly and you heard his footsteps slowing down slightly and he entered the living room with a huge smile on his face. He sat next to you waiting for you to give him the phone. You handed it to him.

“ Dad!” He said excited. They spoke for a few minutes in which Sam asked him how he was doing. Dean asked again impatiently when Sam would be back and Sam reminded him that he’d be back in three days. Dean nodded and started talking to his Dad about his day. He spend some time narrating his day to his dad...

“ I love you too, Dad...” Dean said with a smile after a few minutes and gave the phone back to you. You sent Dean to finish packing and you turned your attention to Sam again. Jody was coming back from the shock now and she was just listening to you talk on the phone.

“ How’s Charlie?” Sam asked you again.

“ Sleeping...” You chuckled looking at your baby girl lost in her sleep. Sam chuckled too.

“ Have you talked to Jody?” He asked you.

“ Yes...” You answered.

“ How did she take it...?” Sam asked you again.

“ It’s a shock...But good...” You explained with a small smile.A few seconds later your smile faded and its place took a concerned look when you spoke to him again. “ Sam... I tried to call Cas again this morning... He’s not answering...” You said in a worried tone.

“ I know... I tried to call him too...” He told you concerned too. “ You think he’s in trouble?” He asked you.

“ I don’t know...” You said. “ But Cas disappears when Dean comes back... Do you think it’s just a coincidence?...” You said troubled not sure what to assume.

“ I know...” Sam agreed exhaling deeply. “ Do you think he could have brought Dean back?” He asked you.

“ It doesn’t add up...” You replied. “ Why now...Why didn’t he tell us? And why disappear afterwards...? Unless something bigger is going on and we have no idea about it...” You said exhaling deeply.

“ I don’t know...” Sam said troubled. “If he hasn’t called back in two days I’ll go check on him...” He said firmly. His voice sounded gruff... He took a deep breath and then next time he spoke his voice sounded warm. “ I’ll call you again tonight...” He said in a calm and warm voice and you could understand he was smiling.

“ Ok...” You said in a caring voice and a small smile formed on your face.

“ I love you...” Sam said in a loving voice. Your smile got wider as your heart left a strong beat...

 

**Sam’s point of view**

“ I love you too...” She said in a calm and warm voice. I smiled to myself. I already missed her and our kids.

“ Bye...” I said.

“ Bye...” I heard her saying too and she hung up. I took a deep breath and put my phone back on my pocket. A small smile still on my face. I turned around to look at Dean who was sitting just a few feet away on the hood of the car. I was far enough so he couldn’t hear me. I started walking back. He was just staring in front of him taking a sip of his coffee every once in a while. He had taken only a couple of bites of his sandwich. He turned to look at me when I got close.

“How is she?” He asked in a gruff voice and turned his head looking right in front of him again. I hesitated for a second. I didn’t tell him I would call (Y/N) but it wasn’t hard to figure out.

“ Fine... She’s with the kids...” I explained in a gruff voice too nodding and I leaned on the hood of the car next to him. He nodded too. He didn’t speak much since we left. He cracked a joke every once in a while but mostly he was lost in his thoughts. But that was nothing unusual. He acted like my brother in a bad mood. And I can’t blame him for that... So many things happened since he died. Eight whole years... There are a lot of things to take in... He looked at his coffee without saying anything. Then he raised his head and looked in front of him again.

“ How did it happen?” He asked in a gruff voice without looking at me. I knew what he was talking about. I was wondering when we’d get there. And that certainly wasn’t an easy conversation for him or for me. Sooner or later I’d have to explain to him how I fell in love with the woman he loved...How much I love her and our kids...And I was scared about it. Because he is my brother and the last thing I wanna do is hurt him... My instinct is to fill myself up with guilt... But I won’t do that... He was gone and it was too damn hard for both me and (Y/N) to move on...But we did...And we are happy together... I don’t feel guilty for loving her... ( Y/N) and our children are my whole world and I don’t feel guilty about that. Though I don’t feel guilty about my choices it hurts to know how much it hurts him... I need to explain things to him... That it didn’t just happen... That I wasn’t in love with her before he died... How hard it was to make things work after his death... I also wanted to explain him how much she loved him... How hard it was for her to get over his death... I know I have to start from somewhere...I moved a little bit uncomfortably preparing myself for what would follow.

“We were drunk...” I finally started saying. Dean nodded and swallowed hard. There was so much more too it than that and everything that happenned afterwards. There were so many things to explain to Dean. Things he should hear. “ Dean...” I started saying again in an attempt to explain all those things but he interupted me.

“We should go...We need to check that abandoned factory the sheriff talked about...” He said and drunk the rest of his coffee in one sip. I didn’t say anything else. Obviously he didn’t want to talk about it now. So I decided not to say anything else for now. I swallowed hard. He headed to the car and I followed him. He was the same on the way there. Again he was mostly silent but occasionally he made a joke. He was up for listening to music. Still somewhat distant. But I expected that. He doesn’t seem angry with me. Just trying to deal with being back after eight years. I still haven’t told him all the things I want... But to do that he needs to be ready to hear it... And for now it looks like he’s not... It took about an hour to get to the factory. It was built way outside of town and it was just ruins.

“ There’s nothing here...” I said surprised when we arrived.

“ Yeah...” Dean said confused and stepped out of the car. I walked out too. He headed to the trunk and searched for our weapons. “We should check it out anyway...” He said looking at me.

“ Yeah... Maybe there’s something we don’t see...” I agreed and I joined him searching for our weapons in the trunk. He chose his gun and I chose mine. We loaded them with silver bullets and started heading to the ruins.

“Just like old times...” He chuckled as we were walking there.

“ Yeah...” I chuckled too confused but glad to hear him joking with me.

“ I mean for you it’s been a while...” He said to me in a slightly more serious tone.

“ Years...” I replied chuckling melancholically.

“ Don’t worry...I’ll be there to save your rusty ass...” He chuckled.

“ Shut up...” I chuckled too. And it felt like old times... Just joking with my brother during a hunt... That simple joke put a small smile on my face... It felt so good to have my brother back... We walked around the ruins for a while. We saw nothing. We were ready to give up when I noticed a door hidden behind some big pieces of cement. It probably led to a basement of some short. Unlike everything else there the door wasn’t covered with dust and it was locked. We tried kicking it open but we didn’t make it. Dean shot the lock and the door opened with a loud bang. We started walking inside. It was completely dark. We heard something move and suddenly a werewolf jumped at us. He threw me down but I shot him resulting in him collapsing on me. Meanwhile more werewolves started attacking Dean. He was shooting them down fast as I pushed the werewolf’s corpse away from me. I got up and started shooting at the attaching werewolves. We moved inside the basement to get rid of the whole pack. We assumed our remaining bullets would suffice. But there were more than ten waiting for us there and our bullets probably wouldn’t be enough. We had already shot about seven! We shot as many as we could! I run out of bullets and I pulled my knife out. A female wolf jumped on me and I fought her off. I turned to look at Dean who just killed the wolf he was fighting with but another one was ready to attack him from behind.

“ DEAN! BEHIND YOU...” I yelled and he turned around to shoot him. But as he was busy taking care of that wolf I flet sharp claws tearing through the back of my shirt and cutting my flesh in a fast strong move. I growled in pain! I turned around with my knife ready but the wolf jumbed on me before I could stab him. He run his claws across my chest in a fast frantic move. In the few moments it took him to do that Dean had killed the wolf he was fighting with and turned around to check on me.

“NO!” I heard him scream. He tried to shoot him but he was out of bullets too. I was holding him back but he was very big and very strong. Dean pulled out his knife and seconds later he jumped on the wolf stabbing him just as he was ready to bite me. He was the last one. Dean turned to look at me. I looked down to see my chest too. My shirt was teared and soaked in blood. The cuts were very deep. He looked at the wound. “ Come on!” He said worried and helped me up. He was holding me as we started heading to the car. I started feeling dizzy. I was losing blood. I gasped. “ Come on... You’ll be fine...I promise...” He said again as we were getting close to the car. My vision was blurry now. “ Shit!” Dean said when we approached enough. I blinked trying to understand what he saw. Were there more? How many were they anyway? But Dean opened the back door and I sat on the back seat. He kneeled down to check on the tires. He checked on all of them...

“ SON OF A BITCH!” He yelled getting up as I was still trying to understand what was going on...

**Your point of view**

“ Dean, baby...come on...” You yelled at Dean who was still playing with his toys on the couch as you were picking up Charlie. You had lunch at Jody’s and now it was time for you to head home. Charlie yawned as you held her in your arms. You smiled to her and planted a small kiss on her tiny head. “ Dean...It’s time...” You repeated turning around to look at your baby as he was still playing.

“ Five more minutes...Mom, pleaaase...” He asked raising his head to look at you.

“ You can play in the car...” You said and leaned to kiss his little head.

“ Fine...” He mumbled and got up.

“ Ok...Do you wanna go to the bathroom before we leave?” You asked as Jody picked up Dean’s and Charlie’s bags to help you get them to the car. Dean nodded and headed to the bathroom. Charlie yawned once again in your arms. “ Come on...Let’s go to the car...” You said smiling to her. You started walking to the door when your phone started ringing. “ Ok...That’s probably Dad calling...” You told Charlie and passed her to Jody who had let the bags down. You reached in your pocket to get your phone. It was Sam indeed. But he said he’d call again at night. So he either found time to call you earlier or something was wrong. Your heart skipped a beat as you picked up the phone.

“ Sam?” You said in a warm voice.

“ No, Dean!” You heard Dean’s gruff and worried voice on the line. You swallowed hard. Something was wrong. “ Listen to me! Sam is hurt!” You felt like someone punched you in the gut. “ We are somewhere outside of town and all our tires are destroyed! He is losing blood...” He said. You started breathing heavily.

“ Hang on! I’m on my way!...” You said in a firm tone.

“ I’ll text you the location...” Dean said.

“ _Dean behind you!”_ You heard Sam’s voice in the distance. Weak and gruff and then the signal was lost!

“ Dean?!” You asked scared. You got no answer.Your heart was beating like a drum.

“ What’s wrong?” Jody asked you. You just turned to look at her as you were putting your phone back in your pocket with trembling hands.

“ Sam’s hurt!” You said in a low voice to make sure Dean didn’t hear you. Jody looked at you worried. “ And I’m not sure Dean is fine either...” You said.

“ Go...” She told you. “ I’ll take care of the kids...”

“ Thank you...” You said in a trembing voice.

“ Mom...I’m ready...” Dean announced getting out of the bathroom. You took a deep breath.

“ Baby...” You said and kneeled in front of him when he got close to you. “ I have to go to Dad. He called and said he needed a little help with work...” You said as calmly as you could. You kissed his head. “You’ll stay with Jody tonight too and I’ll pick you up tomorrow...” You said smiling as your heart was beating like a drum.

“ Ok...” Dean said.

“ Bye, Baby...” You said and kissed his head again.

“ Bye, Mom...I love you...” Dean said and hugged you.

“ I love you too...” You said and brushed his hair gently trying to control your trembling hands. You got up and kissed Charlie’s head too. “ Bye, baby girl...” You said. You and Jody shared a worried look and you walked outside as fast as you could. You got in the car and started driving straight to where Sam and Dean where supposed to be. You hoped that you’d actually get a text to know where they were and to know they were fine but if you didn’t the sheriff would probably know. They must have certainly been to the police station. And if you didn’t find them where they were supposed to be...The trunk was full of weapons and you were one hell of a hunter! You were driving as fast as you could to get there. Your heart was beating like crazy. You had no idea what happened. All you knew was that Sam was hurt and that made your heart leave painful beats. You were taking deep breaths to calm yourself down. On your way there you tried to call Cas three times but again he wasn’t answering and you couldn’t help but worry about him too. So you paryed to him. Telling him that Sam was hurt. Telling him that you were in trouble... Nothing... “DAMMIT!” You yelled and drove faster...At some point you got a text from Sam’s phone telling you the location. That calmed you down a little... At least one of them was in position to text...That was out of town. Way out of town. Shit!.. You got there pretty fast considering the ditance but to you it felt like it took you ages to get there. You arrived and you saw Dean standing outside the car. The back door open and you managed to see Sam’s sillouette. You noticed blood everywhere too. Sam’s blood! Your throat started closing. Dean raised his head when he realised “ Baby” approaching. You parked the car and you walked out. You went straight to the trunk and got your gun out ( Dean’s gun actually). You walked straight to him.

“ WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?” You yelled.

“ Werewolves happened” He answered you clearly stressed but ignoring your angry tone. “ More than twenty...” He explained to you. You looked at him shocked by the number. You walked past him to get to Sam. “ Two of them saw us going in and destroyed our tires so that we couldn’t escape.” He continued explaining. “We fought them off...” He concluded as you got close to Sam. He was lying on the back seat. Vey pale. His shirt teared and soaked in blood as well as the seat. Dean had patched him up as well as he possibly could. But judging by the blood there he needed stitches.

“ Sam...Hey...” You said to him in a warm and trembling voice. You pushed some of his hair back gently.

“ Hey...” He said to you trying to smile. You examined the wounds with your fingers gently not to hurt him. You finally smiled to him

“ He needs stitches...” Dean told you. “There was no needle in the first aid kit...” He said apologetically.

“ I have needles...” You said as you were examining the cuts.

“ You’ll be fine...” You said to Sam in a warm voice when you finished and leaned to press your lips on his head in a tender kiss. You closed your eyes as your heart was still beating like a drum. Dean was just watching you worried about Sam. You got up and run to the impala to get your first aid kit. You returned as Dean was helping Sam take his bloody shirt off. Dean took the shirt and stepped aside as you sat close to Sam and started stitching up the wound. Your hands were trembling a little but you had it under control. Your moves were steady and gentle. Every now and then when Sam was in pain you pushed his hair back and gave him a comforting kiss to relax him. And he had his hand on your knee brushing it gently to calm you down To reassure you that he was fine. He knew you were scared and worried. It was a very tender moment and Dean felt the need to walk a few feet away and wait for you to be done without looking at you. You turned to look at him as he was leaving with an angry look of mistrust on your face. But Sam noticed that look.

“It’s him...” He told you and his voice sounded gruff with exhaustion. You looked at him confused. “( Y/N), he saved me...” He said to you and he explained exactly what happened. You heard him carefully. “ Why would he save me if he’s not Dean?” He concluded. Your instinct was to say that you didn’t know and that something else must have been going on. But you started believing that you were wrong. Ok...Maybe he didn’t know how or why he came back but he certainly had Dean’s memories and he was acting like Dean and he was talking like Dean... And he was protecting Sam like Dean...It was a scary realisation but Sam was right... That really was Dean... And he really was back from the dead... You turned to look at him. He wasn’t looking at you. You turned to look at Sam again.

“ Yeah... I think you’re right...” You said to him with a very serious expression on your face. Sam nodded.

“ Where are our kids?” He asked you a few seconds later.

“ With Jody...” You said calmly. “ We haven’t left yet when Dean called...” You explained.

“ Ok...” He said relieved and you smiled gently to him. He gave you a tired smile back. Once you were done with the stitches you helped him clean himself up with a wet cloth and you walked outside the car heading to the trunk to take a new shirt from his bag. You also found Dean’s bag there. He was just sitting at the hood of the car with a grim look on his face. You knew that look. You opened his bag and searched for a shirt. You found one and took it along with Sam’s shirt. You helped Sam put on his shirt. You shared a blief but loving kiss.

“ Try to get some rest...” You said and kissed his lips once more. He nodded and closed his eyes. Then you took Dean’s shirt in your hands and walked to him.

“ Dean...” You said in a warm voice interupting his thoughts. He turned to look at you. His expression didn’t change. “ You should change...” You said and handed him his shirt.

“ Thanks...” He said in a gruff voice and took his eyes away from you. You walked away. You helped Sam to the back seat of the impala and when you turned your head to look at Dean he had already changed. It was dark now and you really weren’t sure if there were any werewolves left. They were more than twenty! Could they really be more? But you had to go. Dean joined you in the car a few moments later. He run his hand on the hood of the imapla smiling melancholically. Without saying anything you sat on the passenger’s seat. There was no room for you to sit with Sam so you either had to drive or sit at the passenger’s seat. But seeing that melancholic smile on Dean’s face you realised how much he missed his car. So you decided to let him drive. He saw you sitting on the passenger’s seat. His expression turned grim again. He took a deep breath and sat on driver’s seat.

“ Are you sure you don’t wanna drive?” He asked you gruffly.

“ Yeah...I’m sure...” You said in a determined tone.Dean nodded and turned his head in front of him. He run his hand on the steerring wheel and smiled a little. You handed him the keys and he started the car. The plan was for you to stay at a motel and drive back home in the morning. On your way to town you didn’t speak. Sam had fallen asleep. Dean was checking on him every now and then. Sometimes he was checking on you too. You had leaned your head on the window. You checked your phone. Jody had texted you that Dean and Charlie had both fallen asleep. You started relaxing a bit now that you knew that Sam was ok and that your kids were ok too. You arrived at a motel and you checked in as Dean helped Sam to the room. You joined them a few minutes later. Dean was in the bathroom. You checked on Sam’s wounds and then you tried to help him under the covers.

“ (Y/N), I’m fine...” He told you with a small smile as you threw the covers aside so he could lie on the bed. You looked at him in disbelief. “ It hurts a little but I’m fine...” He said.

“ Fine...” You said offering him a small smile and wrapped your arms around his neck. You pushed his hair back gently. His eyelids were heavy. Maybe he was fine but he was also very tired. “ I love you...” You wispered.

“ I love you too...” He said in a low voice and he kissed your head tenderly.

“ Try to get some sleep, ok?” You said with a small smile.

“ Ok...” He said rolling his eyes a little. He offered you a small smile and lied on the bed just as Dean walked out of the bathroom. He just sat on the second bed with his laptop at hand.

“ What are you doing?” You asked.

“ Trying to figure out why the hell were there so many werewolves on the same place...” He said gruffly without looking at you. “ You should get some sleep...” He added **again** without looking at you.

“ So should you...” You said sitting next to Sam with no intention of lying down. You looked at him. He had already drifted off.

“ Not tired...” Dean replied gruffly once more. You just exhaled deeply. You knew that when he was in that mood no matter what you said or did wouldn’t change his mind or make him feel better.

“ Let me know if you find anything...” You said.

“ It doesn’t matter... No matter what I find I’m going alone...” He replied.

“ We’ll see about that...” You said thinking that maybe if you managed to get in contact with Cas they could go on the hunt together. Something that didn’t seem very likely since Cas wasn’t picking up his damn phone and you were scared that something was wrong.

“ You’re not coming...” Dean said bluntly. Trying to make himslef clear.

“ I wasn’t planning to...” You made yourself clear too. Dean looked at you briefly surprised and then looked at his laptop again nodding. “ Besides you never wanted to take me on a hunt...” You murmured bitterly but Dean heard you.

“No argument there...” He said bluntly and you looked at him surprised by his bitterness but you decided to ignore it.

“ Have you talked to Cas?” You asked calmly.

“ No...” He said. “ I don’t even know if he’s on Earth, why?” He asked you.

“ Nothing...I just thought maybe he’d know why you came back... or how...” You said deciding not to share your worries with him. He had enough on his plate. He took a deep breath.

“ I don’t think we’re gonna like it when we found out the reason I came back...” He said bitterly. You sniffed.

“ No argument there...” You said bluntly and lied down next to Sam. Your instinct was to wrap your arms around him and hold him for the rest of the night. But you knew how that would make Dean feel. A month ago all he remembered was you and him loving each other more than anything. And now he had to deal with the fact that you were married to his brother and you loved each other very much and you had children together... You knew he would never let it show but seeing you being so affectionate towards someone else hurt him. So you just run your fingers between Sam’s rubbing his hand until you fell asleep. The next morning you woke up by the smell of food. You haven’t realised how hungry you were. You opened your mouth and stretched. You saw Sam and Dean on Dean’s bed eating some sandwiches and drinking coffee.

“ Hey...” You greeted them and your voice was still a little gruff from sleeping. They both greeted you back. You noticed Dean’s tired eyes. He probably didn’t sleep at all last night. Sam got up and handed you a cup of coffee. You shared a smile. He seemed fine. He sat next to you.

“ Dean called you this morning... I picked it up...” He told you.

“ Are they alright?” You asked.

“ Yeah they’re fine...” He reassured you. You drunk a ship of your coffee and got up. You went to the bathroom and got dressed and then you joined them again feeling a little more awake. You checked on Sam’s wounds and then you all got your stuff and headed to the impala. You sat on the back seat this time. Sam sat on the passenger’s seat and Dean drove. You arrived home pretty soon. It felt good to be back home. It was already lunch time but you didn’t cook anything. When Sam and Dean went for breakfast they bought a few extra sandwitches for lunch. When you were eating Jody called you. She told you that she spoke with Sam in the morning. She also told you that **she** would bring your babies back so that you wouldn’t have to go. You were so greatful! You were very tired and you didn’t want to leave Sam either. But Sam was feeling great and talked to Jody so they could meet and he could take Dean and Charlie to the park just like he promised Dean. You objected . You didn’t want Sam to go alone when his wounds haven’t healed yet. But Jody said she had no problem joining them so you relaxed a bit.

“ We’ll be back in a couple of hours...” Sam told you in the afternoon. He arranged to meet Jody and your babies at the park. He leaned and you shared a brief but loving kiss.

“ Ok...” You said pulling back. You shared a small smile and he opened the door. He walked outside and you closed the door behind him. Dean was in the kitchen still on Sam’s laptop since lunch. You walked in the kitchen. He was brushing his eyes tired and frustrated.

“ Are you hungry?” You asked. It was almost dinner time.

“ Ah...No, I’m good...” He said gruffly lifting his head to look at you briefly.

“Have you found anything?” You asked again sitting down opposite from him.

“ No...” He said frustrated again. He started getting a headache so he put the laptop aside and brushed his eyes. You checked your phone. You called Cas another three times today and he wasn’t answering...Again...You were really worried now and you had no idea what to do. You could go to your old home to see if he was there but you doubted it. If he was there he would probably answer his phone. He could be in heaven. But then he is dick because he heard your prayer and he didn’t even call you back. Unless he couldn’t leave heaven to call you back which meant he is in trouble. And **that** was only one of the scenarios that run through your mind.

“ I’m sorry...” Sudddenly Dean’s gruff voice reached you bringing you back from your thoughts. You raised your head to look at him confused. “ About Sam...” He explained and looked down. He felt like he betrayed his non verbal promise to protect him. But even if it wasn’t for that he’d still blame himself that Sam got hurt.

“It wasn’t your fault...” You said calmly. He chuckled sarcastically. Then he looked at you with a melancholic smile on his place. His mind was travelling back when you used to say these words holding him in your arms...Comforting him... He took a deep breath.

“ I asked him to come with me... It’s my fault, alright...” He said gruffly and bitterly. You took a deep breath.

“ No...Dean...” You started saying. “ This case was quite close to home... We’d have to deal with this sooner or later...” You explained.

“ I thought you didn’t hunt anymore...” He asked looking at you confused.

“ We could never get out of the life completely...” You said. “We have to deal with cases that are close to us eventually...” You explained to him. He nodded.

“ Either way...I shouldn’t have come to you in the firstplace...” He said and got up. He searched for his keys. He found them in his pocket. You were looking at him puzzled. “ You take care of yourself...and my little brother...and your kids...” He said in a melancholic tone. You were looking at him trying to understand what was happening but before you could he started walking towards the door.

“ Where do you think you’re going?” You got up to stop him as he walked out of the kitchen. You followed him.

“ Leaving...” He said to you.

“ Dean!” You raised your voice to stop him. He turned around to look at you. “ You come back after eight whole years and you think you can just leave like that?” You said angrily. He didn’t answer you. “ DEAN!” You yelled trying to get his attention. But he just opened the door and walked outside without looking back at you. You followed him but he walked faster than you. He took his keys from his pocket and walked into his car. He left before you could say anything else. You watched him leave answer of what you should do...of what you could do... You walked back inside and closed the door behind you. You sat on the couch with your phone in hand. You were debating wether you should call him or not. But you knew Dean. You knew that in the slightest chance he actually picked up the phone he wouldn’t listen to you right now.Or even Sam... And you doubted he’d be willing to talk to you anytime soon. You burried your face in your hands. You were feeling so sad and hurt... He came back after eight years and before you could say anything to him he was gone again... And he was in pain... He was going through a lot and he was in pain... and that hurt you... You were with Sam now and you loved him with your whole heart... But you still loved him too...in a different way for sure...but you still cared about him...And he was just gone again...Dean had left and the hole in your hand was painful again...How would you tell Sam? How would you tell him that Dean left? He’d be crushed. His brother was back after so long and now he was gone again without even saying goodbye... You took a deep breath and lied on the couch as your head was killing you. You lied there waiting for Sam to come back with Dean and Charlie. You tried to call Cas once more but as you expected you got no answer. You just got up and went back to the kitchen. You made diner because you knew that Dean would be hungry when he’d come back. And you also prepared a cream for Charlie who would also be hungry ( and sleepy). As you were done you heard the door open. You smiled because you didn’t want your babies to understand you were distressed.

“ Dean...First you’ll go straight to wash your hands...” You heard Sam’s voice talking to Dean.

“ Ok, Dad...” You heard Dean’s impatient voice as Sam was closing the door. And you could also hear Charlie babbling excited. A genuine smile formed on your face. Hearing Sam and your babies made you feel a little better. “ Mooooom!” Dean yelled hapilly running in the kitchen to greet you. You kneeled and opened your arms so he run to hug you.

“ I’ve missed you, baby...” You said and kissed his head.

“ I’ve missed you too, Mom...” He said pulling back. Then he closed his eyes and smelled the food. “ It smells so good...” He said smiling.

“ Dean...You have to wash your hands...” You reminded him. He smiled to you and run towards the stairs.

“ Slow down...” Sam chuckled as he entered the kitchen too with Charlie in his arms. She had made herself comfortable in her Dad’s arms. When she saw you she lifted her head and giggled at you loudly. Sam passed her to you smiling.

“ Hello, baby girl...” You said. “ Did you have a good time with Dad?” You asked and Charlie giggled once more. Sam chuckled. You turned to look at him and he planted a loving kiss on your head. “ Where is Jody?” You asked.

“She went home after we left the park...” He answered you. “Where is Dean?” He asked smiling. Your smile disappeared. You took a deep breath and put Charlie in her rocking chair. You turned to look at Sam who was looking at you confused.

“ He left...” You said calmly and you felt a sharp pain in your chest beacuse Dean left and because you knew how much that hurt Sam. “ He said he should have never come to us...And he left...” You explained. Sam took a deep breath and run his hand through his face.

“ Well, that explains it...” He said in a gruff voice. You looked at him confused and he handed you his phone. You saw a text from Dean. “ _Take care of yourself,Sammy”_ You read. You checked the time. He sent it fifteen minutes ago. You swallowed hard. Sam took another deep breath.

“ Mom, Dad...I washed my hands...” Dean announced when he entered the kitchen. Both you and Sam turned to smiled to him. You all sat at the table and you served Dean. He was very hungry but you and Sam barely touched your food. Sam helped you feed up Charlie and then he carried her to bed. Once she ate she started feeling sleepy again. Dean on the other hand insisted on watching tv. You told him he could only watch for ten minutes. Sam joined you and Dean in the living room. When Dean’s time was up he said goodnight to Sam and you took him to his bed. You spend enough time reading to him. It took him a while to fall asleep. But eventually he drifted off and you got up to leave. You kissed him goodnight and walked outside. You closed the door carefully behind you and you went to your room. You found Sam still dressed sitting on the bed lost in his thoughts. You took a deep breath and walked close to him. You run your hand on his back gently. He closed his eyes enjoying the comfort of your touch. You sat next to him and he opened his eyes.

“ Should I call him?” He asked you and his voice sounded gruff again. You could hear how much it hurt him and it was breaking your heart.

“ You can try...But I doubt he’ll pick up...” You said in a low voice. Sam nodded. He knew just like you did that when Dean was in that mood he wouldn’t talk to anyone.

“ He shouldn’t have done that...He shouldn’t have left...” Sam said in an angry tone. His eyes were getting wet.

“ I know...” You said in a comforting voice brushing Sam’s hair gently. It hurt you too... Sam took a deep breath and brushed his eyes. He got up and changed his clothes. You changed too. He lied on the bed and turned to his side. You knew he would barely sleep tonight. And you would barely sleep too. You lied next to him and moved closer to him. He lifted his hand and helped you get comfortable in his arms. He wrapped them around you holding you tight... You didn’t know what would happen from now on. Cas was gone... Dean was back and you had no idea how or why... And now he left... You didn’t know what would happen...But you had a bad feeling about all this... You held Sam tighter to comfort him... You heard him sniff... You planted a loving, comforing kiss on his neck and he kissed your head tenderly... You both closed your eyes trying to get some sleep...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter on June 6... :-)


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where is Cas?

Dean was lying on the ground. So pale... So cold... You didn’t touch him but you could feel it...He was dead...You knew that. But something was wrong... That happened years ago... It was dark. You leaned to examine him... His eyes opened suddenly... You screamed and fell back on something else... You turned around to see... Sam! Dead!!!!... You put your hands on his face and tried to wake him up... His skin was so cold... You begged him to wake up... He disappeared... You got up startled and scared. You looked around to find him. You saw Dean heading away... You could barely see him... Cas was standing next to you... He started walking away too... And he was dead... You knew he was dead... He disappeared... You turned around looking for him... Then a few feet away from you Sam was holding Charlie in his arms and he was talking to Dean who was playing around him... He couldn’t see you... You called his name... He didn’t hear you... They all disappeared... You called for him scared... You heard Sam’s voice coming from behind... He was calling you... But his voice was full of agony...and dispair... You felt your heart sink...You felt your body trembling with fear... You started turning around slowly...But you already knew what you’d see... Your children were dea...

“ Mom...” Your eyes opened wide at the sound of Dean’s voice. Your heart was racing and you were all sweaty. Your breaths were sort and fast for a while. You took a deep breath relieved...It was a nightmare...“ Dad...” Dean continued entering your room. It was morning.

“ What is it, buddy?” You heard Sam’s voice next to you. You noticed his arm around you. You felt relieved... You tried to get up a little to feel better. You resisted the urge to bury yourself in his arms...yet... But you run your fingers through his as you were getting up...

“ I’m hungry...” Dean said and walked to your bed. “ When will you get up?” He asked. You smiled to him and then turned to smile to Sam. He smiled back to you. He seemed tired but not sleepy. He must have been up for a while...If he managed to sleep at all...You felt his fingers brushing yours.Soothingly... You turned to look at Dean again.

“ Come on...” You told him opening your arms. Dean smiled to you and Sam and climbed on the bed moving close to you and resting in your arms. You lied back on the bed and Dean moved betweeen you and Sam. Sam hugged him and kissed his head.

“ We’ll be up in a minute...” He said to Dean with a smile.

“ Ok...” Dean said smiling back. “ Can I watch tv till you get up?” He asked again looking at Sam and then at you for approval.

“ Yeah...” You agreed smiling and kissed his head. Dean got up climbed down the bed and walked out smiling excited as both you and Sam were watching him smiling. When he walked out Sam turned to you.

“ Are you alright?” He asked in a caring voice. He must have realised you had a nightmare from the look on your face when you woke up. You smiled to him gently.

“ Yeah...I’m fine...Just a nihtmare...” You said and moved to bury yourself in his arms. He wrapped his arms around you as you were holding him tight. He kissed your head and you knew he didn’t believe it was just a regular nightmare and it wasn’t hard for him to imagine what you saw. He brushed your back soothingly... You pulled back a little. You run your hand on his cheek and then between his hair. He closed his eyes enjoying you touch. But his expression was troubled. “ Did you sleep at all?” You asked gently.

“ Not really...” He said in a gruff voice. You nodded and brushed his cheek gently.

“ MOM...DAD...” You heard Dean’s voice calling you again from the living room. You and Sam chuckled. You leaned and you shared a tender kiss.

“ I’ll go check on Charlie...” You said smiling.

“She slept the whole night...” Sam said smiling back at you melancholically. You chuckled. “ I’ll make breakfast...” Sam said to you as he was getting up. He held his chest when he finally got up. His wounds still hurt sometimes. They haven’t healed completely yet...You got up too. You moved close to him and gently brushed his chest.

“ It just hurts a little...” He told you reassuringly with a smile.

“ Ok...” You said smiling back not completely convinced. Sam leaned and kissed the top of your head and then headed to the kitchen. You headed to Charlie’s room. You opened the door. Charlie was sleeping. You moved closer to her and brushed her little head with a small smile on your face. She woke up and started crying. You chuckled. She would wake up any time now. You leaned and picked her up. You had to change her diaper before heading to the kitchen. So you started taking her body suit off as she was whining. Once you put the clean diaper on she started playfully moving her tiny legs. You picked her up again and put her back in her crib so you could clean up. Your mind was crowded...You started feeling more awake now. It seemed to be a calm day. The first in a while... That gave the oportunity to all the things that happened these past few days to sink in... You just started realising that Dean was back... Actually back...It wasn’t someone else...It wasn’t a trick... It wasn’t a trap... He was back...And you didn’t know how to handle it... You didn’t know what to say or what to do...You were married to Sam...And though you loved Sam too much...you knew that was hurtful for Dean... And you had no idea how to handle the situation... And before you even had the chance to think about it...He was gone again... And you knew how he was feeling... That you and Sam were better off without him... But Sam was a wreck... You knew he would be since the moment Dean left... He had his brother back for about three days and then he lost him again... He was trying to act normal for your children but you knew he was hurt...And you weren’t sure you could comfort him about that... And on top of that you were also worried about Cas... Everything pointed to something being wrong... He still hadn’t made a single call...Something bigger seemed to be going on lately... Dean is back...Cas is gone... too many Werewolves...Something felt wrong...And you were probably all in danger...You took a deep breath to calm down as your heartbeat started raising. You closed your eyes for a moment and your heart started beating normally.

You got Charlie out of her crib again and you offered her a small smile. She was hungry. You kissed her head and headed downstairs to meet Sam and Dean in the kitchen. Dean was very excited to help Sam with breakfast. You put Charlie in her rocking chair just as Dean sat on his chair. Sam was making pancakes. He turned around and handed you Charlie’s bottle smiling to her. You started feeding her and when Sam was done he sat on the table serving Dean, you and himself pancakes. By that time Charlie had already drunk all her milk and was now playing with her foot talking to herself. Sam also served you both coffee and you all had breakfast together. Once you were done Dean went to the living room to play and wait for you and Sam to clean up the kitchen and then take him and Charlie to the playground. You washed the dishes and Sam cleaned up the table. He was done before you so he took some time to play with Charlie.She was giggling and babbling hapilly as her Dad was talking to her... Once you were done you turned around to see him check his phone. He put it down again with a serious expression on his face. You knew he was contemplating calling Dean. He got up and moved close to you helping you to put the plates and glasses into place. His expression serious. You brushed his arm gently.

“ Maybe you should call him...” You encouraged him. He moved his head negatively in frustration.

“ I’m not sure I want to call him...” He said in a gruff voice. His face took a troubled expression. He missed his brother. But he was also mad at him for leaving again so suddenly...without telling him a single word... You took a deep breath.

“ He thinks that’s the best for all...” You said trying to make Sam see things with Dean’s eyes.

“ He always does...” He said gruffly and you could hear the anger and the pain in his voice. You took a deep breath and brushed his arm again. “ He shouldn’t have left...” He told you again. You just moved close to him and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around you and rested his head on your shoulder. You brushed his hair gently.

“ He’ll be back... He always comes back...” You told him in a low voice. Sam just took a deep breath. You continued to brush his hair for a while longer. Eventually you pulled back and planted a small but gentle kiss on his lips. He moved his lips against yours in a loving kiss. You pulled back and you shared a small smile. Then your expression turned serious again. “ Any news from Cas?” You asked in a worried voice.

“No...Nothing...” Sam answered worried too. You took exhaled deeply.

“ We’ll try calling him again...” You said.

“ Yeah...” Sam nodded. You turned to your phone and Sam continued with the plates. You called Cas once more. You let it ring for as long as possible. Nothing... Sam turned to look at you. You moved your head negatively. He exhaled disappointed and worried. You got up too to help him. You’d try again in the afternoon but you were losing hope. You were done putting everything in place and Sam helped Dean get dressed.You got Charlie ready too. After you two got dressed as well you left the house to get to the playground. Dean had a great time there playing with you and Sam and Charlie was giggling a lot enjoying being out in the soft breeze. And of course you and Sam enjoyed spending time with your babies. You headed back home in a much better mood.

You arrived home in the afternoon with a very tired Dean and an already asleep Charlie. Sam took Charlie to her crib and you helped Dean have a bath and then put his pjs on. Sam having put Charlie to sleep he cleaned the bathroom since Dean made a mess in there. Dean was very tired so you let him sleep until dinner time. You put him to bed and he could barely keep his eyes open. You brushed his hair and he offered you a tired smile. You kissed his head and you left the room. Sam was in the kitchen now preparing dinner. You went down the stairs heading there too to join him.

“ (Y/N)!” You heard Sam calling you when you were almost there. There was an urgency in his voice. You rushed to the kitchen. Sam was standing up looking at his phone. He lifted his head when you walked in. “ It’s Cas!” He told you with a smile responding to your worried and confused expression. You felt like a huge burden lifted from your chest. You finally had knews from him!

“ Did he call?” You asked with a smile on your face too and you move closer to Sam.

“ No...Texted...” He told you and he handed you his phone. You read Cas’ text.

_“ Don’t worry. Everything’s fine. Talk to you soon...”_ You read and your heart sank again. The burden that was lifted from your chest a few moments ago returned even heavier. Your smiled disappeared... Sam was looking at you confused. You turned your head and looked at him too.

“ It’s not him...” You said in a gruff voice.

“ What?” Sam asked even more confused. You took a few moments as your mind started working really fast. You were getting even more convinced that this wasn’t Cas.

“ Cas knows you were hurt...” You started explaining. “ On the hunt... In this text he just assumes we were calling because we were worried...” You said and Sam looked at you even more confused. “ I prayed to him...” You continued. “ When Dean called me I prayed to him... I told him that I needed him... **That you were hurt...** ” Sam started to understand what was going on. “ If it really was Cas he wouldn’t text you in the first place because he’d know that there was a good chance you wouldn’t see it... He wouldn’t text you... He’d text me... But even If he **did** text **you**...He would at least ask you if you were fine...This text is just to reassure us that **he** is fine which means... this is just blowing smoke... Someone else has Cas’ phone and they want us to be sure that Cas is fine...” You concluded. Sam was looking at you worried too. He brushed his face trying to think.

“I couldn’t track his phone... I tried...”He said in a gruff and worried voice.

“ He’s in danger...” You agreed and you turned to look at Sam. You shared a worried look. “ We must check the news. Check with the people we know... for anything...Anything suspicious that could give us a clue as to where he is...” You said.

“ You’re right...” Sam said. “ But we can’t leave the kids again to go find him... Even if we did know where to look...” He told you.

“ I know...” You agreed. “ And we mustn’t let Dean understand that uncle Cas is in danger...” You said. Sam nodded and you spoke again saying what he was thinking. “ We should call Dean...” You said. “ Cas was...is...” You corrected. “...his best friend...” You concluded.

“ Yeah...” He agreed but you could see he wasn’t sure he wanted to do it himself. He wasn’t sure he wanted to talk to his brother yet.

“ **I** ’ll call him...” You said and Sam nodded.

“ We need to find a way to get in the bunker..” He added. “Whoever has Cas has the key too... Maybe they broke in...Maybe there is something there...” He said.

“ You’re right...” You nodded. “ Any ideas?” You turned to him and asked. You both took a few moments to think about it.

“ Maybe...a spell?” Sam asked you finally.

“Right...” You said. “I’ll search for a spell...” You said. Since witches were your specialty you were perfect for this.

“ And i’ll check with the people we know and search the news...” Sam said too and walked out of the kitchen to get his laptop. You went upstairs to find your phone. You left it on your nightstand. You picked it up and called Dean hoping he’d pick up. You let it ring for a long time. You were almost certain he wouldn’t pick up. If he didn’t you’d text. But just as you were ready to hung up he did pick up.

“ (Y/N), What’s going on?” He asked gruffly. He was worried.

“ Cas...” You rushed to say. You explained him everything that happened and you also explained him that you couldn’t reach him since he came back from the dead.

“ I’m on it...” He told you firmly in a gruff voice when you were done explaining and he hung up. You were startled. You didn’t expect him to hung up. You looked at your phone confused for a second and then you put it down on your nightstand again. You went down the stairs and found Sam on the couch with his laptop on. You told him that you informed Dean. He nodded and continued his search. You searched for the books you needed to try and find a useful spell. You found some of them and you joined Sam on the couch with your laptop on too searching. You took a break to make dinner and you woke up Dean to eat. Sam also fed Charlie. When you put them both back to sleep you returned to your research. You stayed up till late at night. But eventually you had to go to sleep. Because tomorrow you both had to go to work and Dean would also go to school. So you headed to bed. The next mroning you both woke up early so you could search a little more before it was time for Dean to get up. You also checked your phones. Nothing from either Dean or “Cas”. When it was time you both got dressed and you woke up Dean as Sam was making breakfast. After you helped Dean get dressed you joined Sam in the kitchen who served your baby breakfast and coffee to you and himself. He made it stronger today since you both hadn’t slept enough ( again...). Dean kissed you and his Dad goodbye and after you both kissed him too he left for school. Just as Mrs Wright arrived to keep an eye on Charlie. A few minutes before you and Sam had to leave Charlie woke up so you took a few minutes to kiss her goodbye too. You both left for work and you took advantage of your time there. Sam checked every case that seemed even remotely wierd and you searched in every single book for a spell. Unlike Sam you found something eventually in one of your own books. One you took with you when you moved. When you returned home you didn’t have the time to share the information with Sam as Dean was back before he was. You all ate together and you fed up Charlie ( after Mrs Wright left...). You were planning on talking with Sam in the afternoon but Dean was insisting on going to the park with you and Charlie. And you didn’t blame him. He missed spending some time with mom and Dad. You and Sam agreed only if you didn’t stay too long. You didn’t get to stay too long anyway since the weather turned bad really fast and it started raining heavily. So you headed to the car with Dean and Charlie fast. Once you arrived home Sam took Charlie in his arms and he protected Dean from the rain with his jacket. You all started running towards the door. Sam opened the door and Dean walked in. You were just a few steps away but suddenly you slipped. You left a sound of pain as you hit the ground. You put your hands in front of you to stop your fall and you felt something sharp on your palm.

“(Y/N)!” Sam called your name worried seeing you on the ground. He rushed inside to put Charlie down. You got up. You were soaking wet. You looked at your palm. There was dirt and blood all over. Seconds later you saw Sam running outside in the rain towards you as fast as he could. He run his arms around you. “ Are you alright?” He asked in a gruff worried voice as you started heading inside fast.

“ I’m fine...” You said calmly. You walked inside and Sam walked after you closing the door behind. You were both soaking wet. You had already made a small pool on the floor. When Sam closed the door behind him Dean run to you and hugged. “ Oh no... Dean, you’ll get wet...” You started saying gently but Dean interrupted you.

“ Mom...are you alright?” He asked raising his head to look at you. He was so worried.

“ I’m fine, baby...” You rushed to reassure him and you raised your hand to brush his hair. But you remembered it was all dirty and bleeding. Dean noticed it.

“ Mom ...Is your hand alright?” He asked seeing the blood.

“ Yeah...It’s just a scratch, Buddy...” Sam kneeled next to you to reassure your baby that Mom was fine. Dean nodded. You heard Charlie babbling from the kitchen. “ Now...Me and Mom are going to put dry clothes on...You can wait for us in the kitchen with your sister or you can watch tv...” Sam continued.

“ Ok, Dad...” Dean said smiling to Sam. Sam got up and walked in the kitchen. Dean followed him. Charlie giggled loudly when she saw him. He offered her a big smile and took some paper towels. He walked outside again and took your hand gently in his. He pressed the paper on your cut to stop the bleeding. You held it there and you both went upstairs to change. Once you were done you went back to the kitchen. Dean was talking to Charlie and when you walked in he smiled to you and went to the living room to watch tv. You sat next to your baby girl and brushed her little cheek with your good hand. She opened her tiny outh widely and yawned. You could see a couple of teeth in there bursting out. You turned around to show Sam but he wasn’t in the room anymore. You looked around confused but a few seconds later he walked back in.

“ Where did you go?” You asked with a startled chuckle.

“ Bandages...” He replied leaving them on the table next to you. “And something to clean the cut...” He concluded offering you a small smile and leaving a bottle on the table. He sat next to you and turned his chair to face you. He presented his hand waiting for you to give him yours. You put your hand on his and he removed the paper gently. The cut was still bleeding but the blood was significantly less. Sam cleaned it with gentle moves.

“ Did you find anything?” You asked him as he was working on your hand.

“ No...” He answered raising his head to look at you. “ You?” He asked looking at your hand again.

“ Yes...” You said. He raised his head again and looked at you waiting for you to tell him more. “ I found a spell in one of Magnus’ books/files...You know...The Men Of Letters pshyco...” You explained.

“ Yeah...” Sam chuckled.

“ Any news from Dean?” You asked again. He hadn’t called you so you thought maybe he called Sam but apparently there was no news from Dean.

“ No...” Sam answered in a gruff voice. Once he was done cleaning the cut he took the bandage and started wrapping it around your hand with careful moves.

“ Do you think Cas is fine?” You asked him worried in a low voice so that Dean wouldn’t hear you. He raised his head and looked at you.

“ I don’t know...” He said troubled and worried too. You looked at him worried and took a deep trembling breath. He continued with the bandage. “ We’ll find him...” He told you in a determined tone.

“ Yeah...” You said exhaling deeply trying to calm yourself down. Charlie yawned again next to you. Your heart flattered in your chest and you remembered that you wanted to tell Sam about Charlie’s teeth. “ Sam...Charlie’s teeth are bursting out... Look!...” You said and pointed to your babies mouth. You turned to look at him smiling.

“Really?” Sam asked excited when you told him. He turned to look at Charlie. He brushed her cheek and she smiled to him widely. And you both saw an almost thoothless smile. “ Those over there?” He asked you with a chuckle.

“ Yeah...” You chuckled too.

“ Wow...” He chuckled again as Charlie giggled proudly. “ Our baby girl is growing up...” He said to you in a warm voice while still looking at Charlie.

“ Yeah...” You chuckled looking at Charlie too. Then your smile slowly faded. And you felt your heart fill with fear. Your mind travelled back to the teriffying dream you had. Something bad was going on with Dean being back, Cas being Chuck knows where...And if anything happened to your children... You couldn’t even bear the thought. “ Sam...” You said again in a low voice turning to look at him. He turned to look at you. He understood what you were thinking. “ I’m scared...” You said and your voice broke as your eyes got wet.

“ Me too...” He told you in a gruff but warm voice and then moved close to you and wrapped his arms around you. You run your hands around his neck and rested your head on his shoulder. He held you tight brushing your back with his thumbs trying to comfort you. “ We’ll work it out...” He said in a comforting voice. He pulled back a little to plant a loving kiss on your head. “ We’ll save Cas, and we’ll find out how Dean came back...And we’ll deal with it like we always did...” He said to you and you felt your eyes watering. “We won’t let anything happen to our kids...” He continued in a firm protective tone. You sniffed and pulled back slightly to press your lips on his neck gently. You rested your head on his shoulder again “ I love you...” You wispered. You closed your eyes and a tear run down your cheek.

“ I love you too...so much...” He said in a low voice too. You felt a small smile forming on your face. You pulled back a little and slowly his lips met yours in a firm and loving kiss. You pulled back and Sam held your hand again as you brushed Charlie’s foot with your good hand. Sam continued wrapping the bandage. His thumb running circles on the back of your hand in a comforting way. Once he was done he raised your hand and planted a small kiss where the cut was and then turned to look at you with a smile. You smiled back to him feeling better now. He got up a few minutes later and started making dinner. You made a cream for Charlie. Sam helped you becuase your hand still hurt. You fed her and your clothes were a mess again. You were done just as Sam was done with dinner. Charlie ywaned and Sam took her in his arms.

“ Come on...Baby girl...” He said and Charlie giggled. You got up and brushed Charlie’s back. She turned her head to look at you. She smiled to you tiredly. Sam leaned and kissed the top of your head. “ I’ll put her to bed...” He told you. You kissed Charlie goodnight and Sam walked outside. “ Buddy...Dinner’s ready...” He told Dean with a smile as he was heading to the stairs.

“ Yeah!” Dean said excited and obviously really really hungry. He met you in the kitchen and sat on the table. You served dinner for all of you just as Sam walked in again. After you all ate Sam lifted up Dean who was already sleepy. “ Goodnight, Mom...” He murmured and Sam took him to his bed and read to him. A while later he joined you in the couch. Both of you on your laptops. Sam was checking for a lead on Cas and you were making a list of the ingredients you’d need for the spell and where you could find them. Sam had no luck again. Nothing that seemed even remotely related to Cas popped up. You didn’t have better luck. Most of the ingredients you needed were really hard to come by. Again you stayed up late searching for something. This time Charlie was in pain again so you also took turns to take care of her. When you finally went to bed you were both exhausted. You lied on the bed and Sam opened his arms so you could lie on his chest. He was brushing your back to comfort you. You felt comfortable and safe in each other’s arms and you both fell asleep almost immediately. Only for a few hours because soon you had to get up again. You woke up Dean you helped him get dressed and then you had breakfast. You and Sam had a big cup of coffee each. After The school bus picked up Dean you left for work too leaving Charlie with Mrs Wright. It was a very busy morning for both of you but at least you both had the afternoon free. You thought that maybe you could take Dean to the park but he wasn’t up for it. He played so much at school he came back really exhausted. He just wanted to eat and take a nap. So after lunch he got comfortable on the couch to watch tv but in a few minutes he was fast asleep. You and Sam chuckled watching your baby sleeping so peacefully. Sam picked him up careful not to wake him up and he carried him to his bed. You and Sam spend some time playing with Charlie who was very excited that she could now crawl. Eventually she got tired too and she passed out in your arms. You took her to her bed. As you were gently laying her on the mattress you heard the doorbell ring. You felt alarmed instantly. You didn’t expect anyone. And with everything that was going on lately your doorbell ringing out of the blue was alarming. You covered Charlie and you left her room closing the door behind you with fast silent moves. You headed to the living room. You went down the stairs just as Sam opened the door looking at you cautious. He was alarmed too. He looked outside and...

“ Dean?!” He asked surprised and his voice sounded slightly gruff.

“ Sam...” Dean said gruffly but you could understand he had at least a small smile on his face. Sam came back from his surprise and his face took a serious expression. An expression you knew well. He stepped aside and let Dean walk in.

“ Hi...” Dean greeted you without smiling as Sam was closing the door behind him.

“ Hi...” You said too with a puzzled expression on your face. Sam walked close to Dean.

“ What are you doing here?” He asked Dean and this time his voice sounded gruff and cold. Dean noticed that but he didn’t comment.

“ Cas...” He answered. “ I have a lead but...he won’t talk to me...” He explained. Sam crossed his hands on his chest and looked at Dean urging him to continue. Dean continued. “ There’s this angel that Cas was with right before he went missing...And yes he is missing...” Dean said catching yours and Sams confused and worried look. “ The angels have no idea where he is... Except from this one who won’t talk to me...” He said.

“ Why?” You asked confused.

“ Because he doesn’t trust me...” Dean explained turning to look at you. “Coming back after eight years of being dead seems a little suspicious...” He said sarcastically. You couldn’t blame the angel for that. It was suspicious. “ He said he would only speak to one of you two...” Dean said looking at you and Sam. “ That’s why I’m here...” He concluded. You and Sam shared a worried look. After a small pause you spoke again.

“ Ok... One of us must talk to that angel...” You summed up in a few words.

“ So what? Do we pray to him and wait for him to show up?” Sam asked.

“ No... He said that if we pray to him the other angels could pick that up and he doesn’t want that... I think he’s kind of an angel fugitive or something...” Dean explained obviously fed up with the angel’s conditions to talk.

“ Great!” Sam said sarcastically letting his hands fall to his side. “So what do we do?” He asked Dean. His voice still gruff and cold.

“ He said he’ll wait for us in a bar tomorrow night...About a five hour drive from here... He said that’s our only chance...” Dean said clearly pissed off with the angel. You exhaled deeply as Sam run his hand through his face.

“ I’ll go...” You said. Both Sam and Dean turned to look at you surprised.

“ No” Sam moved his head negatively. “ It’s dangerous! We don’t know what that angel wants...” He started saying.

“ Exactly...” You interrupted him. “ Your wounds haven’t healed yet! So tell me which of us has better chances if this comes to a fight at this point...”You said firmly. Sam didn’t speak. He knew his wounds hadn’t healed yet. They still hurt when he made certain moves. And he would still be great on a fight but he wouldn’t be as comfortable as he would normally be. On the other hand you were fine and ready to fight anyone that threatened your family!

“ Still...” He said to you after a while. You knew he was scared. He was thinking of all the ways you could get hurt and he didn’t want you to go. Dean was just listening to you. He had taken a few steps back trying to be discreet.

“ We’ll talk about it later...” You said to Sam in a calm and warm voice. You didn’t want to keep this up in front of Dean. Sam nodded. You turned to Dean. “ You can sleep on the couch tonight... I’ll brink a blanket and a pillow...” You said to him.

“ Ah...no, thanks...” He said gruffly, You looked at him surprised. “I’ll stay in a motel...” He added. Sam didn’t seem surprised at all. Before you could say anything else you heard Charlie crying from upstairs.

“ She’s hungry...” Sam told you smiling a little.

“ I’ll make her a cream...” You said with a small smile and moved to the kitchen. You could still hear everything that was going on in the living room but you knew that Sam and Dean needed some time alone so you tried to be as discreet as possible.

“ What will you do after we find Cas?” You heard Sam’s gruff voice asking Dean. Dean took a deep breath.

“ Go back to hunting...” He answered gruffly too. He knew where this was going.

“ You’ll leave...” Sam said gruffly clarifying what Dean just said. Dean hesitated for a song and then he spoke again.

“ Yeah...” He said confirmed in a firm tone. Sam chuckled sarcastically. You knew he was already expecting that. The only reason he asked was because he had one last hope that Dean changed his mind. But as he expected he didn’t. You heard Sam taking a few staeps away. You assumed he was going to leave the room but Dean’s voice stopped him.

“ Sam...” He said in a tone that showed that he wanted to talk to him. Work this out with his little brother. But Sam would have non of that.

“ Don’t!” He said firmly.His voice gruff and full of anger. “ You can’t just leave and then come back acting like nothing happened... I had my brother back after eight years...Eight whole years! And in a couple of days you were gone...”He said in a gruff and trembling with emotion voice. “ Because I got hurt in a hunt?” He asked like he was trying to make sense of it. “ It’s not the first time this happened...” He said in the same tone and you weren’t sure where this was going.

“ Because you getting hurt on that hunt was my fault! I dragged you on that hunt... So yes! You and your wife are better of without me!” Dean said gruffly. His tone was firm. _You and your wife_... those words sounded strange coming from Dean’s mouth.

“ Are you sure that’s why you left, Dean?” Sam asked gruffly again. “ Are you sure you didn’t leave because you’re mad at me for marrying the woman you loved?” Sam asked gruffly. He sounded mad. But he was mostly scared of what he’d hear. Your heart was racing. You were scared of what you’d hear too. You weren’t sure for the answer.

“ Alright...You wanna go there? fine!” Dean said gruffly and you could hear now that he was pissed off. “It’s not exactly easy to watch you being married to the woman I love! Hell, it’s torture! But you know too damn well I wouldn’t leave because of that!” Dean said gruffly in a firm tome! Clearly he had lost his temper. His voice was loud and you were sure that he’d wake up Dean. You took the cream in your hand and you were ready to walk outside.

“You didn’t even say goodbye!” Sam told Dean in the same gruff trembling voice. You could hear how much that hurt him in his voice.You walked outside before Dean could answer.

“ Keep it down!” You said firmly. Sam and Dean didn’t look at you. There were just staring at each other. Both of them angry and hurt. You were under the impression that they just realised that you heard everything. “ The kids are sleeping!” You added in a low voice and you headed upstairs. You entered Charlie’s room and fed her. You noticed your hands were trembling. You didn’t know how to handle everything you just heard. It was nothing you didn’t already know. But now that it was said and done you had to face it. And you had no idea how. What should you say to Sam? What should you say to Dean? Should you say anything to Dean? Would you make matters worse? All these thoughts gave you a headache. Charlie was offering you almost toothless smiles as you were feeding her. And it made you feel better to an extend. When she was done you went back downstairs. Both Dean and Sam were sitting on the couch on their laptops probably checking for anything knew about Cas. Both of them tense. They probably didn’t say a single word to each other since you left.

“ Did you find anything?” You asked them both not sure if you should.

“ No...Nothing...” They both answered casually to you. You nodded. Dean got up closing his laptop.

“ I should get going...” He said looking at Sam briefly. He didn’t turn his head to look at him. Dean walked to the door. He opened it. He looked behind once and then walked outside closing the door behind him. Sam turned to look at the door once Dean close it. He took a deep breath and got up.

“ I’ll go to bed...” He said to you in a gruff but warm voice. It wasn’t late. He just needed to be alone right now.

“ Ok...” You said in a warm voice too and nodded. Sam went upstairs just as you noticed Dean’s phone on the table. He forgot it there. You took it in your hands and you walked outside to see if he hadn’t left yet. Indeed he had just opened the door to his car.

“ Dean!” You yelled. He stepped outside and waited for you to approach. “ You forgot your phone...” You said handing it to him once you got close. He took it from your hands.

“ Thanks...” He said gruffly again in a cold voice and turned around to leave. Your mind was working really fast and you were trying to decide if you should speak or not. But you decided you should.

“ Dean...” You started saying. “ Sam...” You started to continue but he turned around and interupted you.

“Don’t!” He said to you and walked close to you again. “ Don’t play the peacekeeper between me and Sam... You can talk to him he’s your husband, you’re close... but you barely spoke to me since I’ve been back so cut it out!” He said gruffly. He was pissed off. His eyes locked on yours.

“ Well...You came back after eight whole years and that’s not easy for anyone...” You said firmly looking back at him. Dean turned his eyes away from you in an attempt to control himself. He bit his lips and then turned to look back again and his eyes locked on yours!

“ Did you even miss me?” He asked you!

“ What?!” You asked confused.

“When I died? Did you even miss me?” He asked you. You were startled by the question. You could hear the pain in his voice. You could hear he was hurt. And you understood that those questions were rhetorical. He already had the answer in his mind. “ Did you even cry?” He asked you again spitting the words as his eyes got wet. “ Or did you just move on with my brother!” He said and his voice trembled a little. Still gruff and still full of anger. But you snapped! That was it! He absolutely could not doubt what you went through when he died! You felt your chest boiling with anger! You looked at him straight in the eyes and your eyes were wet too reflecting the fiery anger inside you!

“Did I even cry?” You asked in a low trembling with anger voice. “ I almost died when you died! I was depressed! I was locked in your room every day and every night trying to convince myself that you’d come back!!!! I wasn’t eating! I wasn’t drinking! I wasn’t sleeping! Did I even cry?!?! **All** I did was cry!!! CRY! AND CRY! AND CRY! Until I had nothing left! I wanted to die so that I could be with you because I din’t think I could live without you!!! So to answer your questions, Dean Winchester! I **did** cry! And **missing** you...was more than an understatement!!!...” You concluded in a trembling with anger voice. Your cheeks were full of tears. You could feel your whole face burning up. You manged to keep your voice down but the next word that would come out of your mouth would come in the form of a scream! You wanted to tell him how hard it was to work things out with Sam and how long it took you to get there but right now you couldn’t! Not without screaming and breaking into hysterical tears! You turned around in a sudden move and walked as fast as you could back to your house! Trying to control the sobs that you felt coming!

“ (Y/N)!” You heard Dean’s voice from behind you in an apologetic tone... You didn’t stop and you didn’t turn. You opened the door and walked in. You closed the door behind you. Moments later you heard Dean’s car leave. You were at the edge of bursting into tears but Dean was in the living room watching tv and you didn’t want him to see you crying. You offered him a small smile. He smiled back to you and you headed upstairs. You opened the door to your room and saw Sam sitting on the bed lost in his thoughts. He turned to look at you and he immediately realised that something was wrong. He sat on the bed. You moved close and sat on the bed too.

“ (Y/N)...” He said to you brushing your back trying to understand what happened. You felt his gentle touch and you couldn’t hold back anymore. You burried your head in your hand and you let it all out. Your body was trembling as you were crying. You felt Sam’s arms wrapping around you pulling you close. You wrapped your arms around him as he was trying to comfort you. “ What happened?” He asked worried as you were sobbing in his arms. You pulled back a little and took a few deep breaths so you’d be able to speak. You started explaining him what happened. From the moment you saw Dean’s phone on the table. You told him everything while crying and sobbing as silently as possible because you didn’t want Dean to hear you...

“... And I know it hurts him to see us together...But I never wanted him to think...to feel that it didn’t hurt when he died... That it was easy for both me and you to move on...” You concluded between tears.

“ It’s not your fault...” Sam told you brushing your hand trying to comfort you. “ **I** pissed him off...” Sam said in a voice full of guilt. Guilt because he believed that he caused Dean to snap like that but also guilt because he regretted fighting with his brother earlier that day. But you just moved your head negatively and spoke again.

“ No... this was not about you... This was about **me**...” You said. “ I barely spoke to him since he was back... I didn’t even seem to care to talk to him...” You sobbed as your eyes flooded again. “ And he thinks this is because I didn’t love him enough?!...” You said and you felt anger for Dean and hurt that he thought that! “...I don’t know what to do!” You said and left another sob. “ I don’t know how to handle it...” You admitted. “ I don’t know what I should say to him... I don’t know what I should not... I don’t want to hurt him but at the same time I love you... I love you so much, Sam...” You said to him and your flooded eyes reflected the deep love you felt for him. “ And that’s a fact he has to deal with... But it feels so cruel when I know that everytime I so much as brush your hand I hurt him... But what am I supposed to do?... How am I supposed to deal with this...” You said between tears. You burried your head in your hands again as your body was shaking violently. You raised your head again.You left a few sobs and you continued. “I screwed up!...” You hid your face in your hands again. “ I shouldn’t have snapped...but ...damn!... After all we’ve been through he should know better than that!” You said raising your head again.

“ We both screwed up...” Sam said in a low voice. You turned to look at him. He was looking down. He raised his head and looked at you. “ I wanted my brother back so much...” He took a deep breath and you saw his eyes getting wet too. “ But it’s been eight years...I can’t expect things to be the way they were...” He said in a disappointed tone. “ I can’t expect him to stay just because I want my brother here...” He concluded and he took a deep breath again. Your eyes were still running. There was a long pause and you were both lost in your thoughts. “ I need to make things right...” Sam said finally in a gruff voice.

“ We both do...” You said nodding. Your tears began to stop. You felt Sam’s arms wrapping around you. He planted a small kiss on the top of your head. The comfort of his embrace brought fresh tears to your eyes. But you shared the pain you were both feeling inside and that was a strange comfort of painful relief... You made yourself comfortable in his arms and he held you tighter...

“ We’ll work it out...” He said in a gruff voice. “ We’ll work it out with Dean... And we’ll work it out with Cas...” He said and kissed your head again. You closed your eyes and two tears left your eyes. “ I promise” he said again in a gruff but warm voice. You leaned back and rested your head on his chest. You run your fingers between his. Both brushing each other’s fingers soothingly... Sam’s phone rang and you both looked at it on his nightstand startled. You both got up puzzled. Sam took his phone in his hands.

“ It’s Dean!” He told you in a gruff voice. He was surprised and confused. You were surprised too. That was either too good or too bad. Sam answered the phone. “ Dean?” He asked confused but his voice though gruff it was warm.

_“Sam!”_ You heard Dean’s voice on the line. _“I think I found Cas!”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on June 20... :-)


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More trouble as things get even more confusing...

_“Sam!...I think I found Cas!”_

“ What? Where?” Sam asked in a gruff voice getting up and he started pacing slowly in the room focused on what Dean was saying. You got up too and wiped the tears off your face. Sam turned and look at you. Dean started talking but Sam stopped him. “ Hang on...” He said and put Dean on speaker. “ Go...” He said and stood next to you.

“ I went to check in to the motel...And there was that really annoying receptionist guy who was complaining about an even more annoying guy with a trenchcoat and blue eyes...” Dean started telling you.

“ It could be Cas...” Sam said listening to Dean carefully.

“ That’s what I thought...The receptionist told me he left twenty minutes ago and he showed me where he went... I found his car a few miles from there... He’s not in... It’s out of town so there are trees on either side of the road...He must be somewhere around...” Dean cocncluded.

“ OK... Dean...Don’t do anything stupid...” Sam said immediately.

“ Like what?” Dean chuckled. You and Sam shared a look. You knew that chuckle.

“ Like going in the woods alone to find him...” Sam said but you both knew Dean’s answer.

“ Too late for that...” He chuckled again. Sam exhaled deeply. You shared a look and without saying a single word you both knew what to do.

“ Dean...This could be a trap... Finding Cas’ car around here seems a little suspicious...” Sam said...

“ Yeah...” Dean agreed. “ And that receptionist guy seemed to know exactly what to say...” Dean added but you both understood from his voice that he had already thought of that.

“I’ll be there in an hour...” Sam told him. “ Just wait for me,ok?” He said again.

“ Fine...I’ll go back to the car...” Dean said and Sam hung up. He turned to you. “ What are you thinking?” Sam asked you.

“ That Cas’ car found here...is probably a trap for us...” You said in a concerned tone.

“ I guess we’re thinking the same thing...” Sam told you with a small worried chuckle. “ We either found Cas...Or this is worse than we thought... And the kids are in danger too...” He said what you were thinking.

“ You go...” You said calmly. “ I’ll protect the kids...” You told him. Sam nodded and you both walked outside. You wiped your tears once more as you were getting down the stairs.

“ Dean it’s time for bed...” You said in a calm voice to Dean who was on the couch watching tv.

“But I’m not tired!” Dean whined.“Can I stay a little longer...Please!” He asked you.

“Mom’s right,Buddy...Tomorrow you’ll have to wake up early...” Sam said to Dean in a caring tone.

“ Fine...” Dean said frowning. He walked to you and hugged you. He kissed you goodnight and then he walked to Sam who picked him up and headed to his room. Once they were up the stairs you walked outside to the car and you grabbed your gun (Dean’s gun) and Sam’s. You went back inside and sat on the couch. You loaded both guns. When Sam walked down the stairs you handed his gun to him.

“ It’s loaded...” You said. “ I’ll take a few more things from the car before you go...” Your tone was determined.

“Alright...” Sam said gruffly and leaned to plant a loving kiss on your head. He didn’t like leaving you and your kids alone... You closed your eyes and opened them again when Sam pulled back. Your heart was beating like a drum as you were scared and worried.

“ Sam...” You said in a low and calm voice. Sam looked at you. “ I believe in you...” You said exhaling deeply. You wanted to make that clear. Earlier that day you didn’t want him to go with Dean to meet that angel saying you’d be bettter in a fight at this point because he was still healing. But you didn’t really believe that. Sam was Sam...He was one of the best hunters in the whole damn world!You would always worry about him.But you had no doubt he could make it no matter what situation he was in. You didn’t want him to think that you didn’t believe in him. Sam offered you a small smile.

“ I know...” He said and wrapped his arms around you. You wrapped your arms around him too and you closed your eyes resting your head on his chest. He kissed the top of your head. “ I believe in you too... And I’m worried about you too...” He said in an emotionally loaded voice.You heard the agony he was feeling for you. The same agony you were feeling for him. You opened your eyes and pulled back to look at him.. “ But I know...” He continued. “That you can knock out anyone...I know that if anyone tries to hurt our kids you will make them pay for even thinking about it...” He was looking at you with so much love. “But...When you love someone you always worry...” He chuckled ina serious tone. “ And I will never stop worrying about you when you go on a hunt or when you and our kids are home alone or when you hypothetically go with Dean to kick an angel’s ass...” He said to you making clear that he didn’t want you to go with Dean because he was worried. But just like you he had no doubt you could make it. You offered him a small loving smile. You raised your hand and gently pushed his hair back a little.

“And I will never stop worrying about you, Sam...” You said and a tear left your eye. “ I love you so much...” You pulled him in for another hug wrapped your arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms around you.

“If anything seems even remotely wrong you call me...” He told you in a worried but calm voice. You smiled gently.

“ I’ll call you...” You said and pulled back with that smile still on your face. “ And you call me too... As soon as possible... Let me know you’re fine...” You said.

“ I promise...” He said and planted a small but tender kiss on your lips. He pulled back. And with that mutual confidence boost you both walked outside. You took a few more weapons from the car. You and Sam kissed goodbye and you walked back inside. You loaded your gun and you started walking around the house. Mostly outside Dean’s and Charlie’s room.Your gun ready in your hand and your phone in your pocket waiting for Sam to call...or call him...

 

**Sam’s point of view**

I arrived where Dean was in a little less than an hour. I saw his car parked behind Cas’. He was waiting sitting on the hood of his car. He smiled when he saw the impala. I parked close too and walked out of the car. I took my gun and walked close to Dean. He told me exactly what happened and that he found nothing so far but he didn’t go very far so he wasn’t sure.

“ In the car?” I asked.

“ No...Nothing...Everything seems fine...” He answered. I nodded.

“ Let’s go find him then...” I said in a gruff voice hoping that this would be the outcome. Dean nodded. He loaded his gun and we both started heading in the trees ready to shoot anything that moved.

“ There are no footprints...” Dean said gruffly after we were searching for five minutes and we went deeper in the woods. Cas got here less than two hours ago and the ground was wet. There should be footprints...

“ No...” I agreed. He was thinking what I was thinking.We went to check to the other side of the road. There were no footsteps there either. This looked like a trap. I thought about (Y/N) and our kids and I swallowed hard. Suddenly something moved in the trees. Both me and Dean raised our guns ready to shoot. We shared a look and with a nod we agreed to approach. We made a few steps we saw two eyes and we heard a hiss and something jumped on Dean! He shot her! She fell back but she started getting up again as others started running towards us too! But we both understood our guns were useless when she showed us her fangs! We looked at each other in panic and we started running back to the car.

“Vamps! Really?!?!” Dean yelled as we were running back. I opened the impala’s trunk to find machetes as Dean was shooting them to hold them back. I found them as I felt my pulse racing. I ran back to him.

“ Dean!” I yelled when I was about five feet away from him. He turned to me and I threw the machete to him. He grabbed it midair and turned around decapitating the vamp that was attacking him! More and more seemed to attack from every corner! We were both fighting cutting one head after another but they were more than twenty!

“ Sam!” I heard Dean yell. I turned around to see. A vamp had him down.

“No!” I yelled running towards him...But the vamp didn’t kill him...He wasn’t trying to kill him... He turned him around and tried to put his hands behind his back and handcuff him?!?! But Dean was faster. He grabbed his machete that was lying next to him and cut his head off just as another one was attacking him but I cut his head off before he could.

“Thanks...” Dean smiled to me breathlessly.

“ You’re welcome!” I said and turned around to cut another one’s head as he was jumping on me to kill me. I took a few steps back as more were coming towards me. I bumped on Dean. W were back to back now and we were surrounded! “ We’ve had worse...” I said breathing heavily.

“ Go...” Dean told me.

“ What?!” I asked surprised and confused.

“ I’ll hold them off...You get to the car and you get the hell out of here...” He said as the vamps were aproaching fast now. But before I could say anything somebody started cutting vamp heads! As me and Dean we were just watching stunned. One by one the vamps were falling down! I couldn’t see clearly who it was and my first thought was ( Y/N)! And I felt scared and relieved at the same time! But (Y/N) would never leave our kids alone with someone that wasn’t a hunter to protect them. And even then I doubted she would unless that someone was Jody. But there was no other hunter in this town...But...

“Sheriff!?!?!?!” I asked shocked. He grinned at me and continued killing vamps. There was no time for questions! I turned around and all three of us started killing the remaining vamps as they were trying to kill us. But not Dean. They seemed like they wanted to capture Dean?! We almost killed them all and the few left run in the forest to hide. We spend a few minutes breathing heavily. I was just staring at the sheriff confused and shocked until Matt (?!) came running holding a machete too!

“ Are you alright?” Matt asked.

“ Dammit,Matt! I told you to stay in the car!” The sheriff yelled but you could hear he was not really angry.

“ You mean the broken down car that’s a few miles down the road?” Matt asked sarcastically. The sheriff rolled his eyes. Dean looked at me confused waiting for me to give him an explanation for the sudden help but I looked back at him as confused as he was. Just more shocked.

“ What’s going on here?” I asked confused. The sheriff looked at me and smiled.

“ Hunter...” He said breathlessly pointing at himslef. “ Hunter...short of...” He said again pointing at Matt who waved to me. “ Hunters...” He concluded pointing at me and Dean exhaling deeply. I just looked at them not knowing what to say. Before I could the sheriff spoke again. This time his breaths were more normal. “ Did you really think that your papers and your “bad luck” would be enough to prevent any other sheriff for finding out that you were the Winchester terrorist?” He chuckled and my eyes got even wider with shock!“ Although I have to admit you and (Y/N) did great work with those papers!” He smiled to me. Hearing (Y/N)’s name from him sounded wierd. He always referred to her as “your wife” or “Mrs Winchester” as if she was nothing more to him than my wife. But now he sounded like he knew exactly who she was just like he knew exactly who me and Dean were.

“ Why didn’t you tell me you are a hunter?” I asked still trying to make sense of all this.

“ Because I knew why you and (Y/N) moved here...” He said and his expression turned more serious. “ The word was spread really fast that the remaining Winchesters were leaving the life...” He said looking at Dean briefly. “ When you moved here the least we could do...” He looked at Matt too. “...was make sure that you lived a normal life and protect you two and your children later from any harm that had to do with this life... Although there were some cases that I knew there was no way you couldn’t spot... Like that werewolf when (Y/N) was pregnant with your son...” He said with a small smile. I was just looking at him trying to let everything sink in. He looked at both me and Dean and his expression got even more serious. “ Consider this...A thank you... For all the times you saved this world...You and (Y/N) deserve to live the rest of your lives happy...” He said with a gentle smile. I didn’t know what to say to that.

“ Wow...” I finally managed to say... still shocked. “ Thank you...” I said eventually the only words that came to mind. The sheriff chuckled.

“ Don’t tell my wife though...She doesn’t know I’m a hunter...The only one who knows is Matt...” Matt smiled. “ And that’s only because I saved him from a witch when he was fifteen...” He said smiling.

“ Still hunter in training...” Matt said bitterly.

“ How did you find us tonight?” Dean asked speaking for the first time in a while. The sheriff turned to him.

“ The receptionist in that motel about twenty minutes from here... He was a really thirsty vamp and he couldn’t resist killing a couple that was staying for the night... He thought we wouldn’t find out because the couple was from out of town and he would clean the mess but the woman managed to call the police when he was sucking her husband’s blood... We took care of him...But first we interrogated him since we were suspecting there was a nest around here...but what he told us was far more shocking...and here we are...” He concluded with a smile.

“ Vamp...” Dean chuckled bitterly. He felt like he should have figured that out.

“ What did he tell you exactly?” I asked the sheriff.

“ That he doesn’t know why but his leader told him to tell you” He said and pointed at Dean. “...about a car and a guy with a trenchcoat...I suspect Castiel...”

“ So that was a trap for me?!” Dean asked surprised.

“ It appears so...” The sheriff answered. “ Since you’re back and all... Anyway...Me and Matt will go after the others...” the sheriff said to us. “ You should go back... (Y/N) must be worried sick...” He told us. “ When we find them I’ll call you to inetrogate them...” He said and signaled Matt to follow him into the woods. Matt didn’t follow immediately.

“ Can we borrow a car?...Our car broke down...” Matt started explaining.

“ Oh come on, Matt...Walking will do you good...” The sheriff interrupted him chuckling. Matt rolled his eyes.

“ Here...” Dean said searching in his pockets. “ You can take mine...” He said and handed him the keys. Matt thanked him and they agreed he’d return the car to me since he didn’t know where Dean would be. Then he followed the sheriff in the woods.

“ Let’s hope they catch them...They have a lot to explain indeed!... Like why they don’t want me dead...” Dean said in a gruff voice once the sheriff was far enough. I turned to look at him. “ You don’t think **they** brought me back, do you?” Dean asked even more confused and a little freaked out.

“ It would explain why they don’t want you dead!... I don’t know why they’d brink you back though... They’re Vampires and you just killed more than half of them...But I’m not sure they didn’t do it... Or what any of this has to do with Cas... They had his car and they knew he was missing so they definetely have something to do with that too...” I answered taking a deep breath.

“Great! Our only lead is masochictic bloodsuckers! Awesome!...” He said throwing his hands in the air. He turned around and started heading towards the car. I followed him. I told him he could drive since we’d both head back with “Baby” and his eyes brightened briefly like a child’s. He took my machete too and started cleaning them both up. I walked a few feet away and called (Y/N)...

“ Sam?” I heard her voice when she picked up the phone. She sounded calm but I could hear how worried she was.Her voice didn’t make that crack though so they should be fine too.

“ We’re fine...” Was the first thing I told her so she could relax. I heard her exhale relieved. “ Are you alright there?” I asked too and I felt my pulse rising again.

“ Yeah...We’re fine too...” She said and I felt my muscles relax for the first time since I left home. My pulse returned to normal. “ What happened?” She asked. I took a deep breath not sure what to begin with.

“ A lot...” I said finally. “ I’ll tell you everything when I get home...”

“ Ok...” She said and I felt my heart beat a little faster.

“ I love you...” I said to her.

“ I love you too...” She answered. I could hear the smile on her face. She hung up and I headed back to the car. Dean was done with the machetes and he had put them back on the car. And he had already sat on driver’s seat. I opened the door and sat next to him.

“ How are they?” He asked me in a serious tone looking at me. His voice sounded gruff.

“They’re fine...” I said in a gruff voice too. Dean nodded. There was a small pause and I knew that this was a good time as any. “Dean... (Y/N)...” I started saying but he interrupted me.

“You love her...” He said without looking at me. It wasn’t a question. It was a statement... “ I get it...” He said and turned to look at me with a melancholic smile.

“ Yeah...” I admitted and my voice had more emotion than I intended too. Loaded with all the hapiness and worry and love for her.

“ I get it...” He said again. “ I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt...But I get it...” He said looking at me with a small smile on his face. I felt a burden lift from my chest. I looked at him and nodded swallowing hard. “ You have something good here,Sam...” He continued. “You’re happy together...” He said again... “ And that...That’s great...” He smiled melancholically. “ I’m glad you have that...” He concluded turning his head to look at me with a serious expression. A small smile formed on my lips. Knowing that he understood how much she means to me made me feel so relieved. Knowing that he wasn’t angry with me. Far from it... There was a small pause. We were both lost in our thoughts. Finally I broke the silence intending to make everything right.

“ Dean...About what I said...” I started saying but he interrupted me.

“ I could have at least said goodbye...” He admitted in a gruff voice and looked at me briefly. He took a deep breath and continued. “I’ve missed my brother too, Sam... But we’re not alone anymore... You have kids...You have to stay away from this life as much as possible...I can’t leave the life... I can’t” He said firmly. “ Not even half-leave it like you and (Y/N) did... And if I stay...Eventually you will both get dragged in again...And everything that happens after that to you, to (Y/N), to your kids...will be on me... You already got hurt on a hunt **I** brought you with... So, yeah...You’re better off without me...” He said in a serious tone.

“Sooner or later we’d have to deal with that hunt...” I started saying in a calm voice after a small pause. “ And to be honest... I’m happy you were with me because I don’t think I could deal with all those wolves on my own...” I said turning to look at him. He chuckled like he was expecting me to try and change his mind but that’s not what I was doing...“ I know you feel like you should stay away...And I think you’re wrong...” I said firmly. “But I also know that I can’t change your mind...” I said taking a dep breath. “ So...If you wanna leave,leave...But if you ever want to come back...” I exhaled deeply. “Our door will always be open...” I concluded in a determined tone. He smiled briefly. There was a small pause again. As Dean was letting all that sink in. Eventually he broke the silence.

“ When we find Cas...” He started saying gruffly without looking at me. “ I’ll go...” I nodded disappointed but determined to respect his choise. “ But maybe... I’ll stop by once in a while...” He said and I turned to look at him surprised. “ You know...see how my little brother’s doing...” He turned to look at me with a smile too. I nodded. He nodded too still smiling. He started the car. “ Be a bad influence to your kids...” He chuckled.

“ Jerk...” I chuckled too.

“ Bitch...” He laughed and he started driving. And I knew that even if he left and I didn’t see him for a while...I had my brother back...

**Your point of view**

You were sitting on the couch feeling much more relaxed now that Sam called and reassured you that everything was fine. You still had your gun next to you just in case. But you weren’t pacing outside Dean’s and Charlie’s room. But you heard footsteps upstairs. You jumped up and raised your gun ready to head upstairs when...

“ Mom?...” Dean asked from the top of the stairs to see if that was you. He was brushing his eyes and he hadn’t glanced at you yet. You hid your gun under the table with really fast moves.

“ Yes, Baby...” You said. He looked at you. His eyelids heavy.

“ Where is Dad?” He asked you as he was walking down the stairs. Dean must have went to your room. You had closed the door in case he just walked by but apparently he had a nightmare or something and he wanted mom and Dad.

“ Isn’t he sleeping?” You asked Dean to see what he knew.

“ I went to your room and he wasn’t there...” He told you getting close to you and sitting next to you on the couch.

“ Then he must be in the bathroom...” You said and put your arm around him.

“Yeah...” He agreed and rested his head on you. You planted a small gentle kiss on it. “ Why aren’t you sleeping?” He asked you.

“ I couldn’t sleep so I decided to read a book...” You said and pointed at a book on the table. Dean nodded. “ Why are **you** up?” You asked gently.

“ I had a nightmare...” He said hugging you. You hugged him too protectively brushing his hair to soothe him.

“ You wanna tell me what you saw?” You asked and planted another kiss on his head.

“ I saw that Dad was gone again...but he didn’t come back for days...”He said lifting his head to look at you eager to make you understand why this dream was so terrifying. He didn’t mind Sam leaving but leaving for days was an indication that something was wrong.

“ I understand...” You said. And you understood more than what he told you. He was a kid but he could understand when you and Sam were stressed. And last time Sam was gone you changed your plans for going home out of the blue and left to find Sam more than stressed. You tried to hide it but he picked it up. And when you and Sam put him to bed tonight you were both stressed again and he understood that. He made himself more comfortable in your arms. “Don’t worry, Dean...Dad won’t leave...” You said reassuringly and kissed his head again.

“ Ok...” He told you nodding in your arms. “ Mom...I love you and Dad very very much...” He said again and a huge smile formed on your face.

“ We love you too,baby...” You said in a loving voice. Dean planted a small kiss on your cheek.

“ I’ll go back to bed...” He announced pulling back.

“ Goodnight,baby...” You said brushing his hair as he was leaving. You waited until you heard the door of his room close and you reached to take your gun from under the table. You loaded it. If anyone even thought of hurting your family...

**Sam’s point of view**

Dean parked the car just in front of our home. The lights were still on. I expected that. I turned to Dean.

“ You can stay if you want...” I said.

“ No...I’ll go back to help the sheriff get the vamps...” He told me with a smile.

“ You wanna take “ Baby”?” I asked him since he left his car there.

“ No... Just a few things from the trunk... I don’t know when I’ll be back in the morning and you’ll need her...” He said and brushed the steering wheal. “ Can I take **your** car?” He asked me.

“Sure...” I said and handed him the keys. We both walked outside. “ Goodnight...” I said turning to head home.

“ Sam...” He stopped me. I turned around to look at him. “ (Y/N)...” He started saying but he didn’t know how to continue. “ Is she alright?” He asked finally. He was trying to understand how she was after the fight they had. But he didn’t know what I knew so he didn’t know how to ask. I took a deep breath not sure if I was doing the right thing.

“ She’s been really sad...” I answered truthfully.

“ She told you...” He assumed correctly.

“ Yeah, she did...” I admitted. “ But that’s between (Y/N) and you...” I made myself clear. Dean nodded with a serious expression on his face. “ Goodnight...” I said.

“ Goodnight, Sammy...” He said too and walked towards my car as I walked towards the door. I waited until I saw him leave and I opened the door. I saw her sitting on the couch. She jumped up when she saw me walk in. She signaled me to close the door as silently as possible as she was moving close to me with fast moves. I closed the door and turned around and wrapped my arms around her as she wrapped her amrs around me. I could feel my hearbeat fast and strong as she was relaxing in my arms. I pulled her a little closer and kissed her head. She pulled back and put the gun in her pocket before signaling me to head upstairs...

**Your point of view**

You opened the door to your room. Sam walked in and you cheked to see Dean’s door was closed. You walked inside too and closed the door behind you. Sam sat on the bed and you headed to your nightstand. You left your gun there.

“ So...What happened?” You asked as you were moving to sit next to Sam. He explained to you everything that happened since he walked out of the car to join Dean till the moment he walked in again to head home. When he was done you were looking at him with your eyes wide open. Your jaw dropping a little. “ Let me get this straight...” You said when he was done. “ Cas was nowhere to be find...and all this seems to have been a trap staged by vampires who probably abducted Cas and now wanted to abduct Dean and kill everyone else...” You said looking at him confused.

“ It doesn’t make any sense...” He said looking back at you confused too.

“ Since when do Vamps abduct angels?” You asked one of the many questions you had in mind.

“ Maybe they just found out we were looking for Cas and happened to find his car and use it as bate?” Sam asked realising how confusing that sounded.

“ Why would they bate you there anyway? To abduct Dean? Why would they do that? Cause I don’t believe they wanted him for a snack. There is no way they didn’t know who he is. And since they knew who he is why the hell would they want him alive?” You asked again.

“ I don’t know... Maybe **they** brought him back?” He told you understanding that this was a long shot.

“ Why would they bring back someone who wants to kill them? Non of it makes sense!” You said throwing your hands in the air.

“ And they were so many...They had us surrounded when the sheriff showed up...” Sam said turning to look at you.

“ I can’t believe it... The sheriff and Matt are hunters...” You said shocked still trying to let the information settle.

“Yeah...” Sam agreed shocked still. You talked about all this a little more. Making improbable suggestion trying to get somewhere but you were unseccesuful.

“ Sam, you need to take a bath...” You said gently after talking for a while. You brushed his hair and he closed his eyes enoying you touch.

“ You’re right...” He agreed and opened his eyes again slowly. You run your fingers between his.

“ Did you and Dean worked tings out?” You asked gently brushing his fingers.

“ Yeah...” He said turning to look at you with a small smile on his face. You smiled back to him.

“ Ok...” You said relieved to see the man you loved happy. You knew how much it meant to him to make things right with his brother. And you were hoping you could make things right with Dean too...

Sam walked in the bathroom with clean clothes and closed the door behind him. The sun had started rising so you decided to start packing instead of sleeping. You picked the clothes you wanted with you and since you weren’t taking the impala you made a list of the weapons you’d need. When Sam walked out of the bathroom (already dressed) he looked at you confused.

“ What are you doing?” He asked you.

“ Packing...” You answered him casually briefly looking at him. You put another shirt in your bag and turned to face him. “ Since we haven’t found Cas...We should talk to that angel...” You explained.

“ Right...” Sam said gruffly as he just remembered that. “ Are you sure you don’t want me to go?” Sam asked you. You knew he was hoping you’d let him go instead. He was worried.

“Yeah...I’m sure...” You said and moved close to him and you started explaining what Dean told you last night. “ So if you go again now...He’ll be very stressed...and worried...” You concluded.

“ Ok...” He said nodding determined not to let anything harm or stress your babies. “ What are we gonna tell him...?” He asked you.

“ That uncle Cas wants me to take some of his old books...” You said. Sam nodded agreeing. That way Dean wouldn’t suspect that something was wrong with you or Cas. Sam took a deep and troubled breath. You brushed his hair and spoke again. “ Dean also said that he loves us very much...” You said and a smile brightened his face.

“ I’ll help you pack...” He said in a gruff voice but with a small smile on his face. He helped you pack and then you both made breakfast for yourselves and Dean. Charlie woke up first and you fed her her cream as Sam went to wake up Dean. When you were done your clothes were a mess and you went to change and get ready leaving Charlie with Sam and Dean. You joined them again in a few minutes and you explained Dean where you’d go.

“Mom, will you brink a book for me too?” He asked you.

“ Of course...” You said with a smile thinking of bying a book on your way home. After you all had breakfast you spoke with Dean and you agreed he’d pick you up in an hour. Sam had spoken with the sheriff before and he told him that they had no lack with the vampires. He also told him he could take the day off. And Sam agreed since he didn’t want to leave Charlie at home with Mrs Wright when there were vamps running free. As for Dean you called and informed school that he’d spend the day with Sam so he could be close too. When it was almost time you took Charlie in your arms and kissed her goodbye. She mumbled something in return and giggled. You held her tight for a while longer.

“ I love you so much...” You wispered in her tiny ear and put her back in her rocking chair. Dean run to you to hug you too. You hugged him back. “ Bye,baby...” You said and kissed his hair. “ I love you...”

“ I love you too, Mom...” He told you pulling back with a smile. You walked towards the kitchen with your bag to put a couple of sandwiches in. Sam followed you and put the sandwiches in for you and after closing your bag he picked it up.

“ I can carry my own bag...” You told him with a gentle smile.

“ I know...”He said smiling back to you letting the bag fall from his shoulder on the chair and before you knew it he pulled you in for a deep and lasting passionate kiss that took your breath away. You pulled back feeling your heart flattering in your chest. He pressed his lips on your head in a loving kiss and you closed your eyes enjoying it. You opened them again when he pulled back. “ You call me...” He told you looking straight in your eyes. “ And don’t worry...I won’t let anything happen to our kids...” He said to you firmly. You pulled him in for a hug. He held you tight and you brushed his back.

“ I know...” You said calmly. There was no one else you trusted more with your kids than their Dad.

“ I love you so much...” He told you and his voice sounded gruff and trembled with emotion.

“ I love you too...” You said and your voice sounded deep and full of love. You pulled back and you shared another tender kiss just as Dean called to let you know he was there. You took your bag,you kissed Dean and Charlie once more. You shared another small kiss with Sam at the door and walked outside to find Dean in the car. You opened the door and sat on the passenger’s seat and you left...

You and Dean didn’t speak much on the road. You were both mostly lost in your thoughts. There was the occasional talk about the weather or where you would stop for lunch but nothing much. You still had in mind to talk to him but you didn’t feel that this was the right time. And Dean didn’t want to upset you so he decided not to talk much. He couldn’t understand if you weren’t talking much because you would explode in anger if you did or if you just didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore after the fight you had. But you didn’t talk much only because your mind was back with Sam and your children. You knew that you had nothing to fear because they were with Sam. But you could not stop worrying about all three of them. You felt better though when Sam texted you a picture of him and Dean smiling and a big black spot at the corner. His text read “ _We love you,Mom! ( the black spot is Charlie’s finger...)”_ You smiled widely when you saw it and you texted him back that you loved them too. A few minutes later you and Dean arrived at the town. You went to a motel and booked a room with two beds.

“ Are you hungry?” Dean asked you when you let your stuff in the room. He was cautious he wasn’t sure how you’d respond.

“ Yeah...Actually...” You said casually and you saw him relax a little that you didn’t sound cold.

“ There’s this dinner a few blocks from here...We won’t even have to use the car...” He told you.

“Sounds good...” You replied. “ Just give me a minute to change...” You said and opened your bag to take a new shirt and walked to the bathroom. When you walked outside Dean had his jacket on already and he was putting his gun in his pocket and you took your angel blade just in case. You walked outside and you headed to the dinner. Dean opened the door but before you walked in he walked back out closing the door behind him. You looked at him confused.

“ What?” You asked.

“ I guess we’ll be done sooner than we thought...” He told you and rushed to explain. “ The angel is in there...”

“ Alright...”You said exhaling deeply. Dean opened the door and walked in. You followed.And when you walked in you recognised the angel the second you saw him. “Shit!” You wispered to yourself. This was either a trap or Cas was in very big trouble. You followed Dean.

“ Hi, again,jackass...” Dean said taking a sit opposite from the angel. The angel glanced at him and then at you. He recognised you like you recognised him. Dean noticed your look and he looked at both of you confused. You sat down next to Dean.

“ Well well...We meet again (Y/N)...” He told you. “ Or should I say mrs Winchester...” He said laughing and continued. “ If only my beloved friend which may I remind you that **you** killed was here...”He exclaimed sarcastically. You were looking at him holding your angel blade tight.

“Awsome!” Dean said sarcastically too understanding that you and the angel were going way back. He was a fugitive alright! The reaper of the Protective Squad. The reaper who was friends with the cupid that set you and Sam up. You killed him.

“ You said you have indormation about Cas...” You said calmly.

“ What will I get out of this?” He asked you with a smile. You smiled too.

“ I won’t let Dean ask the questions instead of me...” You said passing Dean the angel blade so that the angel could see it. Dean grinned at him in a threatening way. The angel knew better than to mess with Dean. His expression turned serious.

“ All I know is that Cas came to me about a month ago and told me he needed my help... He didn’t tell me what he wanted...The only thing he told me when he left was that he was going to find you and Sam because you were in danger...And that’s the last I’ve heard of him...” He concluded. You were alarmed but you already suspected as much.

“ Is that all?” Dean asked gruffly in treatening tone.

“ Trust me... I have no desire to get tortured by a Winchester today...” The angel told him. “ Now if you’ll excuse me...” He said and got up to leave. You let him walk away.

“ Dead end...” You exhaled deeply.

“ Basically...” Dean said disappointed too. You took a deep breath and burried your head in your hands... You ordered lunch but you barely touched it. Dean didn’t eat much either. You returned to the motel after eating and Dean announced you he’d take a shower. You waited for him to get in the bathroom to call Sam. Sam reassured you that everything was fine there before you started explaining him exactly what happened.

“So nothing knew really...” He said when you were done explaining.

“ We know that Cas knew something we don’t and that we can be 100% sure that we are someone’s target...” You said troubled.

“ Great...” Sam said sarcastically. He took a deep breath. “ When will you be back?” He asked you.

“ Tonight...probably...” You said. Dean walked outside dressed and sat on the other bed and opened his laptop.

“ Ok...” Sam told you. “ I love you...” He said in a warm voice.

“ I love you too...” You answered in a low voice and you hung up. You turned around to see Dean typing. You moved closed to him and sat on the bed next to his.

“ What are you doing?” You asked gently.

“ Searching...” He replied in his gruff voice. “ Anything that could explain everything that happened lately...” He added moving his head frustrated. You took a deep breath. You knew this was the time. You knew you had to do it now. You should talk to him. You should make things right. But you didn’t know how to start. You had so much to say. You didn’t know how to begin. You were just trying to think of the words. Dean glanced at you and he took a deep breath too. And he spoke.

“ I’m sorry...” He said without looking at you. You raised yur head and looked at him. He continued. “ For what I said yesterday...” He lowered his head briefly. You could understand it was troubling him all this time.

“ I’m sorry too...” You said and you felt your throat closing. You took a deep breath. “ I barely spoke to you since you came back... But it’s not because you didn’t mean that much to me...” You started explaining and you knew that now that you’ve started you couldn’t stop. “ At first I didn’t believe it was you... And when I did...I didn’t know how to handle it... I didn’t know what to say to you...And I’ve been cold to you since you came back...” You said and you felt a tear running down your cheek. Dean was watching you all this time. He turned his head and lowered it briefly biting his lower lip. Not sure what to tell you because you did hurt him when you didn’t speak to him. You took a deep breath and you continued to explain everything. To tell him everything he deserved to know “ Dean...When you died...”

“ (Y/N), you don’t have to do this...” He interrupted you. He already made you relive it once. He didn’t want to make you go through it again. But you interrupted him before he could finish his sentence.

“ Dean...” You said and he turned his head and looked staright into your eyes. You looked straight into his. “ I need you to hear this...” You said firmly. He nodded and you started. “ When you died...I felt like I lost the world around me...I was depressed...And I did spent all my days lying on your bed... There was a time I wanted to die...Because I couldn’t handle leaving without you...And I didn’t want to handle it...I just wanted you back...” Your voice cracked. “Sam was going through a lot of pain too...And it took him months to finally start to move on... But when he started moving on...I was still lying on that bed without speaking to anyone... He was trying to bring me back...He was bringing me food and I barely touched it...He was trying to speak to me...He was trying to be patient with me... But I was so lost in my pain...so consumed by it...I told him he had no idea how I was feeling...He had to remind me that I wasn’t the only one in pain... That he had lost his brother...And we had a fight...” You said and now tears were running down your cheeks as you were remembering all this. “... And I had to make things right...And that was the first time I stepped out of your room in days...And I apologised to him... And he was there as I cried till morning... And since that day slowly...and painfully...I started moving on... Because I knew that’s what you’d want for me...And no matter how hard it was...I had to do it...” You said. Dean was listening to you and his eyes had gotten wet now. You took a deep breath and you went on to explain more... “ And we didn’t just got together...” Your voice cracked. “ We got drunk...” You started saying and you took a deep breath to go on. “ We bumbed into Eric and...” Dean looked at you surprised but you continued. “ And he told Sam he should have brought you back...And he started doubting if he did the right thing... Because the first weeks after you were gone I was begging him to let me bring you back or bring you back himself...And he always told me that you wouldn’t want that... And it was so hard for him not to do something to bring you back... And when Eric said that... He started feeling that he wasn’t a good brother to you...And he got drunk...And I joined him...Because Eric even mentioning you messed me up... And there was that big hole you left in me when you died that caused me so much pain... And I needed to drink... And when we were both drunk... I told Sam that I missed you...And he told me that he missed you too...And...” You hesitated...You didn’t know how to say this... “ And we spent the night together...” You said and you saw Dean nodding without looking at you... You continued. “ The next day I got up hating myself and I was begging you to forgive me...And I left... Without saying anything...And I didn’t know if I’d ever see Sam again...And in that time I spend away...I actually managed to move on... Because not everything around me reminded me of you...Because I spend a lot of time working to avoid thinking...And I managed to move on...And I could watch your photos...our photos...And I would cry... And they weren’t tears of unbelievable pain because you weren’t with me anymore...Because I missed you and I could never have you back... They were nostalgic tears for someone I loved so much and I lost...And they didn’t mess me up... I finally could look at those photos and smile...And when I saw Sam again...It wasn’t easy...Nothing was easy... Neither the choise to give it a shot nor what happened after...But eventually we made it work... And we loved each other deeply...” You said and you realised that you were at the edge of sobbing. Your cheeks were wet and your eyes were leaving thick teardrops that made their way to your chin. Dean was listening to you without looking at you and when you stopped talking he lowered his head briefly and you saw a tear leaving his eyes. “ Dean...” You said and he turned to look at you. His eyes red and gleamming with tears. “ We didn’t break up...” You said looking at him. “ You died...” You said and your voice broke at the end but you continued as another tear left Dean’s eyes. “ We didn’t choose this... You didn’t choose to go... I didn’t choose to live without you...” You stopped because your throat was closing so much you felt you couldn’t breath. You blinked a few times so that your eyes could clear a few tears so you could look at Dean. “ I built everything since you died knowing that as long as you lived we were one...You were mine and I was yours... I always had the memory of you and what we were for each other... And now...” You contained a sob. “ Now you’re back... And I’m not your (Y/N) anymore... And you have to deal with the fact that I’m no longer yours... And I have to deal with the fact that you’re no longer my memory...And it’s not easy... It’s not easy for either you or me...And I don’t know how to handle it...” You stopped and you realised you were trembling as more and more tears were leaving your eyes. Your throat had closed and for a second you couldn’t speak. Dean’s eyes were dripping silently. He wasn’t looking at you. But he turned his head to look at you when you spoke again. “...If someone told me back then to wait for eight years just to see you again... I would have waited eight freaking years just to see your face... Because I loved you... And I still do...In a different way... but I do...” You said and your vision clouded again and you had to blink to clear it. You took a deep breath and you continued. “ But if someone told me **now** to go back and change what happened after you died...I wouldn’t do it...” You said and your voice broke. “ Because I love Sam so damn much...And I love our children...And I’m happy...” You concluded with your eyes dripping and your hands trembling eager for him to understand. Dean just took his eyes from you and bit his lower lip again before speaking.

“ When I first saw you...with Sam and your children... walking out the dooe...It hurt...” He started telling you. “ But you were happy together... You were both smiling so widely... And though it hurt...I felt happy for you...” A tear run down his cheek. “ In a painful way I was happy for you...” He said gruffly. And then he turned to look at you. “ I’m happy for you...” He said and a tear left his eyes again. And his eyes were full of love and pain and you felt your heart melt and more tears run down your cheeks.

“ I know I didn’t show it...” You said and your voice was trembling. “But I was so happy to see you again...” You said as you were shedding more and more tears. “ And...I want you in my life,Dean...I know it didn’t seem that way...But you’re not trouble in paradise...” You said. “ You’re important to me and Sam...And we want you in our lives... And I was scared at first because I wasn’t sure you were back...And that’s why we kept our kids away... But We’d want you to meet them... Especially Dean... If you want...” You said and you smiled between tears.

“ I’d love that...” Dean told you in his gruff voice. And he offered you a smile. A genuine smile full of love and pain. You smiled back to him. And you felt relieved you explained everything to him. Relieved he understood. Relieved he knew how much he meant to you and Sam. Non of you said anything for a few seconds. You took some time to calm down. To let everything sink in... Dean broke the silence a while later. “We should get going...” He said to you gruffly wiping his tears with one hand. He briefly looked at you as he was getting up to put his laptop in his bag.

“ Yeah...” You agreed and you wiped your tears too before getting up to pack your stuff. You were both ready in a few minutes. You checked out saying that something came up and you both headed to the car. Dean drove all the way back. At first you were both silent but soon you started talking about simple stuff like music and the weather but all that in a new level of understanding. Feeling more comfortable with each other for the first time since Dean came back. You arrived home at night. You asked Dean if he’d want to stay there for the night but he told you he’d find a motel (“ _one without a vamp for a receptionist...”_ ). He also told you that he’d stay in town till you found Cas. You nodded and after saying goodnight you walked to the door and opened the door to find Sam watching tv with Dean and Charlie in his arms who was clapping excited. When you opened the door Dean run to hug you and kiss you. Sam got up too and passed you Charlie who was reaching for you eager for a hug. And after you put her to her rocking chair you finally got to hug Sam and tell him how much you’ve missed him. Then you both put your kids to bed and then you headed back to your room. You had a shower and then you joined Sam on the bed. Without saying anything you wrapped your arms around him and closed your eyes enjoying his arms wrapping around you.

“ I missed you too...” He said after staying there for a while. You smiled and answered in a low voice.

“ I love you, Sam...” You said feeling your chest burst with emotion. And before he could say anything you pulled back as he was still lying on the bed looking at you. You knew that all these days weren’t easy for any of you. And you knew that it must have been hard for him too to watch you have such a hard time trying to deal with the fact that Dean was back and how upseting that was. But you wanted him to know that this didn’t change anything between you and it never would... “ Sam...I love you so damn much...” You said and your voice trembled with emotion. “ I love you so much, Sam...And I love our babies” You said and you smiled widely to him as your eyes turned wet. “ And I’m so happy with you...” You said smiling and tears left your eyes.

“ I know...” Sam told you moving his hand to brush your cheek. His voice warm and gentle.You closed your eyes enjoying the comfort of his touch.

“ Do you mind me telling you?” You asked with a small chuckle opening your eyes again.

“ No...” Sam chuckled too and then his expression turned serious. “I love you too, (Y/N)...So much...” He said and his voice was so caring and full of love. You smiled and he pulled you in for a deep and loving kiss. You slowly felt him shift his weight as you were both getting lost in the kiss. You pulled him closer and he gently layed you on the mattress. You stopped for a second to look at each other sharing so much love without saying a single word and you gently pressed your lips against each other’s again and you went on silently...careful not to wake your children up...

You woke up the next mroning in Sam’s arms. He was already awake and brushing your hand that was standing comletely still as you were sleeping. You took a deep breath and you turned around to face him. You pressed your lips on his in a loving kiss and you wished him goodmorning. He wished you good morning too and kissed the top of your head. You held each other for a little longer but you got up soon because both your children would wake up anytime now. When Dean woke up you helped him get dressed as Sam was making breakfast. Then you woke up Charlie because she needed to have her daiper changed and then you joined Sam and Dean in the kitchen.

“ And that’s the last glass of apple juice...” Sam said smiling as he was serving Dean adding apple juice to the list of the things you had run out of. You were feeding up Charlie who made your clothes a mess again with her cream giggling with her mouth full. Once you were done feeding her you took her back to her crib as she got sleepy again and when you went back in the kitchen Dean was heading upstairs to brush his teeth.You and Sam spend the day home since you both had taken two days off of work believing that you’d be gone for two days. But now that you were back you took advantage of this time to spend the day with Dean and Charlie. You all went for a walk in the park and you played together after lunch. Until it was time for Dean to get to bed. You read him to sleep as Sam was putting Charlie to bed. When they were both asleep you got some time to lie in each other’s arms on the couch. You both had your eyes closed enjoying the comfort and safety you were feeling in that embrace. After a while though your phone started ringing. You looked at it. You didn’t recognise the number. Maybe it was something for work? You just picked it up.

“ Hello?” You asked.

“ (Y/N)! “ You heard Cas’ panicked voice on the phone. You jumped up.

“It’s Cas!” You told Sam who had already understood that something was up. You put Cas on speaker.

“ You don’t have time!” He yelled. “ Take Dean and Charlie and go!”. You and Sam shared an alarmed and scared look.

“ Hang on, Cas!” You said already both you and Sam running to get upstairs and get your kids. Having no idea what was going on. But the door rang and you heard Dean’s voice outside.

“ Sam open up!” He yelled. You and Sam stopped and looked at each other.

“ It’s Dean!” You said as your heart was racing in your chest. Sam headed to the door fast.

“ DON’T TRUST DEAN!” Cas yelled but Sam had already opened the door and Dean had already bursted in. You and Sam looked at each other panicked not sure what to do!

“ Get your children! Now!” Dean yelled the moment he walked in. Cas hung up. And before you could do anything something very slight sparkled in the room. You and Sam noticed it. You felt weak. You and Sam tried to get to the stairs but Sam fell on his knees and your vision was a blurr. You saw Dean fall down too. Your ears started buzzing and you fell down too. You saw a figure aproach Sam and put something in his pocket. He immediately collapsed. You turned around still unable to see clearly! You had to get to the stairs! You had to get to Dean and Charlie! But your mind was clouded. You felt someone turning you around. It was the same figure! But everything was a blurr. You tried to resist but your hands and legs didn’t respond. The figure put something in your pocket too and everything turned black...

You woke up in your bed. Sam had his arms around you. Fast asleep. He woke up a little later. His eyes were red. He was very tired. He planted a loving kiss on your head. And you brushed his hand gently as he was still holding you protectively. You had a difficult night with Charlie waking up every now and then and Dean being sick. Dean’s been sick for two days...And that’s the last thing you could remember...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on July 6... :-)


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting out of here...Whatever "here" is...

You stretched and turned around to hug Sam. He wrapped his arms around you as you burried your face in his chest. You closed your eyes again. Breathing him in for a few moments.

“ Are you alright?” You asked and your voice sounded gruff since you weren’t still fully awake. You opened your eyes and reached for Sam’s neck. You pressed your lips gently a little under his jaw.

“ Yeah...” He answered you in a gruff voice too and kissed the top of your head tenderly. You closed your eyes again.

“ We should get up...” You said with your eyes still closed. “ I need to check on Dean and you need to get ready for work...Charlie will be up soon too...” You concluded and you pulled back.

“ I’ll take the day off again...make sure Dean is fine...” He said to you stretching. You looked at him. Your eyelids still heavy but you were smiling at him. You knew he was worried about Dean and he didn’t want to leave you alone to handle it. He looked back at you with a smile too. Run his arm gently on your back and he pulled you closer. You brushed his cheek slowly.

“ I’ll go check on Dean...” You said and you shared a small but loving kiss.

“ I’ll make breakfast...” He told you as you were pulling back. You both got up tired and you got dressed. You walked out of your room together. Sam kissed the top of your head again and headed downstairs as you walked to Dean’s room. You opened the door careful not to wake him up.You saw him sleeping. He seemed so peaceful... You sat next to him gently and brushed his hair. You touched his forehead to check his temprature. It was normal. You smiled to yourself. You were feeling so relieved your baby was getting better... You decided to let him sleep as long as he needed too. He was still recovering and he was exhausted. You got up and kissed his hair.

“ I love you...” You wispered and headed out closing the door behind you as silently as possible. Then you headed to Charlie’s room. You opened the door silently again. She was sleeping too. You knew this wouldn’t last for long. Soon she would wake up hungry. You smiled and brushed her little head too. You checked if you needed to change her diaper but it was still clean.

“ I love you ,baby girl...” You wispered again and you kissed her little fist. You walked outside silently again and you headed to the kitchen. Sam had already made coffee and he handed you your cup as he was making pancakes. You moved close to him to help him but a few minutes later Charlie woke up and started crying.

“ I’ll go...” Sam told you with a smile as you continued with the pancakes. Just as you were done Sam came back with Charlie in his arms who was giggling and playing with his hair sometimes pulling them. You laughed. He rolled his eyes to you and kissed Charlie’s head before passing her to you so he could prepare her cream but she refused to let go off his hair for a few seconds.

“ I love you too” Sam chuckled and kissed her tiny head. When she finally let go off his hair she started crying and Sam was ready to take her back but she stopped when you started playing with her. Sam prepared her cream and you put her in her rocking chair and got ready to feed her. Just as you heard small footsteps going down the stairs. You and Sam shared a smile as Dean walked in brushing his eyes.

“Goodmorning...Mom...Goodmorning...Dad...Goodmorning Charlie...” Dean said tiredly looking at you and waving at Charlie.

“ Goodmorning,buddy...” Sam said smiling at Dean while opening the fridge to get the apple juice for him.

“ Goodmorning,baby...” You said too with a smile. “ How are you feeling?” You asked as Dean walked to sit at his place.

“ I’m hungry...”He said eyeing the pancakes. You and Sam chuckled.

“ There you go,buddy...” Sam said handing Dean the glass with the apple juice. He handed you the cream and you started feeding up Charlie as Sam was serving all of you pancakes. After you all had breakfast Dean moved to the couch and lied down as he was still tired and Sam joined him to take his temprature and you got Charlie ready for a bath. When you went back downstairs with Charlie in your arms ( her head still a little wet) you found Sam and Dean at the door. Dean seemed far more awake now. He was following Sam as he was getting upstairs to tell you that Dean was fine. But when he saw you going down the stairs he waited for you to get there and told you. You smiled at Dean relieved and you headed to the kitchen with Charlie. You put her in her rockng chair and you started preparing lunch. Charlie was babbling and Dean and Sam were laughing having a great time together. Everything seemed fine. At some point you heard Dean asking Sam to let him go outside and fetch his ball. For some reason your heart skipped a bit! For some unexplained and unexpected reason your heart skipped a beat! Like something was about to happen! You had no idea what! But you felt your heartbeat rising! You got scared and walked out of the kitchen to check on Dean and Sam. But Sam had already opened the door and Dean just walked in again smiling and holding his ball.

“ Ok,Buddy...Let’s clean it up...” Sam said smiling at Dean. They were both fine. Everything was fine...What a strange feeling! Yet you still couldn’t shake it away. Like something was off. But how could something be off? Everything seemed fine!You were standing there just looking at them.

“ Are you alright?” Sam asked noticing your confused and worried look.

“ Yeah...yeah,I’m fine...” You answered after a small pause. Sam wasn’t convinced but Dean was calling for him upstairs to help him clean the ball so he leaned and planted a soothing kiss on your head. You closed your eyes for the brief moment the kiss lasted and he went upstairs. He seemed worried to you. Probably worried about you... You returned to the kitchen and you continued cooking. Sam and Dean returned after cleaning the ball and joined you in the kitchen. Eventually Charlie needed a new diaper and Sam lifted her up. He brushed her little head soothingly and went to change her. Dean joined was eager to help Mom bringing you the ingredients you needed. Soon Sam was back with Charlie who had already gotten hungry. You gave her a cookie to distract her till the food was ready. You and Sam served lunch and you all sat on the table. Charlie had great appetite and so did Dean. You and Sam were more than happy to see Dean eating since he has been throwing up at least a few times a day for the past two days. You and Sam on the other hand barely touched your food. You still had that feeling that something was supposed to happen. And you couldn’t let that go. You couldn’t relax. And you couldn’t understand why. After you were all done with your food you got up to clean up. Sam got up too to help you.

“ Mom, Dad...Can I watch tv?” Dean asked you. You and Sam let him but only for an hour. Dean thanked you and moved to the living room. You saw Charlie was feeling sleepy now so you picked her up and you took her to her crib. Once you laid her down on the soft mattress she mumbled something and she started falling asleep. You went back downstairs to find a troubled Sam washing the dishes. You moved close to him and wrapped your arms around him burrying your head on his back. Planting a small kiss.Sam stopped with the dishes and wiped his hands with a paper towel. When his hands were dry he brushed yours with slow and gentle moves.

“ Are you ok?” You asked in a low and caring voice. He took a deep breath and turned to face you.

“ Yeah...I’m fine...” He told you and his voice sounded a little gruff. You kept looking at him worried. He offered you a small smile and he gently pulled you in for a hug. You closed your eyes as you were resting your head on his chest and he was holding you tight. His thumbs running small circles on your back softly. He pressed his lips on your heas in a tender kiss and you sighed as you were feeling his chest moving with every breath.

“ I love you...” You heard Sam’s voice low and sligtly gruff. He sounded troubled and you couldn’t understand why.

“ I love you too...” You wispered in a serious tone and you both pulled each other a little closer.

“ Mom...Dad...Can I have some cookies?” Dean walked in the kitchen.

“ Sure, Baby...” You said as you and Sam pulled back and you both turned to smile to your child. You brushed Dean’s hair to check his temprature again as Sam was putting a few cookies in a plate for him.

“ Thanks,Dad...” Dean said with a smile to Sam when he gave him the plate and then smiled excited at the cookies. You and Sam shared a chuckle. You spend the rest of the day playing with Dean and Charlie( when she woke up). And everything seemed normal...But it didn’t feel normal...You tried not to think about it... After you had dinner Sam made pop corn and you all sat on the couch to watch a children’s movie with Dean. Dean had gotten comfortbale next to Sam and you were holding Charlie who was yawning a lot. You knew that she’d fall asleep soon. Dean also got tired. Though he didn’t have a fever that day he was still recovering. Soon he wrested his head on his Dad’s arm and in a few minutes he had fallen asleep.

“ I think it’s time for bed...” Sam chuckled in a low voice looking at Dean and he moved his arm gently to hold him.

“ I think you’re right...” You chuckled too with a low voice looking at Charlie who had fallen asleep in your arms. Sam got up holding Dean in his arms and you got up holding Charlie. You both headed upstairs.

“ I love you, Dad...” Dean mumbled in his sleep as you were going up the stairs.

“ I love you too, Buddy...” Sam wispered. Dean mumbled something again this time about “mom” but you didn’t understand what it was. You followed Sam in Dean’s room as he put Dean under the covers and kissed him goodnight. You passed Charlie to him so you could kiss Dean goodnight too. Then you both moved to Charlie’s room closing the door carefully after walking out of Dean’s. Sam put her in her crib and you brushed her little head as he was brushing her tiny palm with his finger. She squeezed it in her sleep and then she let it go again. Sam smiled and you brushed his back gently as he was kneeling next to Charlie’s crib. He got up and you both headed to your room. You changed into more comfortable clothes and you lied on the bed. You rested your head on Sam’s chest and he run his hands around you holding you protectively. You sighed feeling comfortable and you closed your eyes trying to sleep... But you couldn’t! The same feeling was still there! You tossed and turned trying to get comfortable. Trying to relax.Sam couldn’t relax either. And it wasn’t just because you couldn’t sit in one place. Something was bothering him too. It wasn’t a good night for both of you. You lied on your side and for a few moments you felt like you managed to get a little comfortable. Sam moved close to you and ran his arm around you again. He kissed the top of your head as you were running your fingers between his. You sighed and for a few moments you felt like you’d fall asleep. But once again you couldn’t! For some reason your mind was running to Dean and Charlie. And although you knew the place was warded and that you’d hear it if anything was wrong. You couldn’t relax! You tried to convince yourself that everything was fine but you couldn’t! You lied on your back again taking a big frustrated breath... You didn’t let Sam’s hand go. You took another deep breath and you spoke to him.

“ Sam...” You started saying and you noticed you already had his attention. You continued in a worried and confused tone. “ I know...our children have always been sleeping in their own rooms... And that’s fine...That’s the way it should be...But tonight... I just...”

“ Want them to be here...” Sam interrupted you in a gruff voice and the same worried tone. “ As close as possible...Cause something feels wrong...” He concluded saying exactly what you were feeling. You turned to look at him surprised and even more worried he was feeling it too. Your heart was beating like a drum now and you both moved to sit on the bed.

“ What’s going on?” You asked Sam confused and worried...about him...about your babies...

“ I don’t know...” Sam told you in a gruff worried voice too brushing his face. “ But I’ve had this feeling that something was supposed to happen today...That something happened...Does this even make any sense...?” He asked you looking at you even more confused.

“ I don’t know but I’ve had the same feeling all day...” You said taking a deep breath. “ Could this be a coincidence?” You asked not really believing it.

“ What are the odds?” Sam asked you. And you knew he was right. Both you and Sam having the same confusing feeling and the same instinct to protect your children couldn’t be just a coincidence. Something triggered this... But you had no idea what! And that made you worry even more. You and Sam shared a look and you realised you were thinking the same thing. Coincidence or not you wouldn’t sleep tonight. Whatever it was you’d make sure it wouldn’t get to your children. You got up and took your guns from the drawer in your nightstand. You don’t remember putting it there but that’s where you expected to find it. You spend the whole night up waiting for something unusual. The feeling of something being off still troubling both of you. But nothing happened. Not a single thing... You were relieve but not quite because the feeling was still there in the morning. When the sun was up for good you hid your guns and you were ready to wake up your children. Dean would have to go to school today. Sam moved to the kitchen to make breakfast and you followed him. You both haven’t relaxed at all. And then something else hit you that alarmed you even more.

“ Sam...” You asked suspicious. “ Do you feel tired? Like at all?” Sam turned to look at you alarmed too. You spend the whole night up and even though you were stressed and you couldn’t sleep your body should feel sore and your eyes should at least be hurting. But you felt like you just woke up. You were actually feeling like if you were fully rested.

“ No...I don’t!” Sam answered you confirming your suspicion.

“ Now how’s that normal?” You asked worried.

“ It’s not...” Sam said in a gruff voice. You had to stay up all night for hunts in the past but in the morning you were always at least somewhat tired. Why weren’t you feeling tired at all? “ I’ll go check on the kids...” Sam told you and run to the stairs. But as he was getting there...

“ Mom, Dad...help...” You heard Dean’s voice. You both looked at each other for a brief moment full of panic. Your heart was beating so fast but you didn’t care. You both run towards the stairs as fast as you could. The only thing that mattered was to get to Dean. You both got upstairs and Sam bursted into Dean’s room and you bursted in behind him. You both left a huge sigh of relief. Dean was standing next to his bed and he had just thrown up on the floor. Everything was fine...Dean was just sick... So many terible things run through both your minds. But nothing like that was going on and you couldn’t feel more relieved. Dean probably felt he was going to throw up and he called for you and Sam because he couldn’t make it to the bathroom. You both moved close to him.

“ I’m sorry...” Dean apologised for throwing up on the floor looking at both you and Sam.

“ Hey...It’s ok, Buddy...” Sam said in a calm soothing voice and you shared a look as you both started feeling your heartbeats return to normal. You hugged Dean and kissed his hair and then rested your hand on his forehead for a few moments.He didn’t have a fever. “ I’ll clean it up...” Sam said smiling to Dean reassuringly. “...and you go with Mom...” Sam added.

“ Come on, Baby...” You said and took Dean’s hand brushing it in a slow soothing way. You took him to the bathroom and helped him clean himself up. Sam went to check on Charlie too before cleaning up and he came to tell you that everything was fine so that you wouldn’t worry. You could still hear your heartbeat in your ears but you were feeling much more relaxed. You helped Dean take a bath and washed his clothes. After Sam was done cleaning Dean’s room he came to the bathroom to check on you and Dean as Dean announced that he was feeling hungry now.

“ Maybe some biscuits...” You told him with a gentle smile and you went downstairs to put some on a plate for him. Sam helped him get dressed and they both came to the kitchen a few minutes later. “ Are you feeling better, Dean?” You asked passsing him the biscuits.

“ Yes, Mom...” Dean told you offering you a tired smile. Just as you heard Charlie crying.

“ I’ll go...” Sam told you leaning to press his lips on your head in a small loving kiss. You nodded. He went upstairs and a few minutes later he returned with Charlie in his arms.

“ Hi, Charlie...” Dean greeted his sister with his mouth full. Charlie mumbled something and Sam tried to put her in her rocking chair. But she didn’t want to let go off him. He chuckled and held her a while longer. You moved close to them and brushed Charlie’s back. She turned to look at you. She mumbled something smiling widely at you. You smiled widely back at her.Sam tried one more time to put her in her rocking chair and this time it worked. You had already prepared her cream and you sat next to her to feed her as Sam was making breakfast and coffee for you both. After Charlie had eaten you had breakfast too. Dean went to sit on the couch. He wouldn’t go to school today either. Sam took Charlie back to her room cause she fell asleep again after eating. You knew it wouldn’t be for long. He came back just as you turned around to clean up when suddenly everything started moving! Shaking! Like an earthquake! Just for a few seconds! Once it stopped you looked around alarmed! Nothing was moving! Nothing had fallen! But the vibration was strong enough to knock at least a few glasses from the table!

“ Dean,are you alright?” You shouted scared.

“Yes, Mom...” Dean answered confused like he couldn’t understand why you were asking just as you were running to him and Sam was running upstairs to see if Charlie was ok! Once you were sure Dean was fine (although confused why you got so scared) you rushed to get to Charlie too but Sam was already coming down the stairs.

“ She’s fine...” He reasured you relieved. “ She is sleeping...” He added as you were exhaling deeply relieved too.You looked at each other confused and headed back in the kitchen. You both knew that you both felt it. But you both looked at Dean and he acted like nothing happened. He should have at least gotten scared. And Charlie was still asleep.

“ What the hell was that?” You asked Sam worried and even more alarmed.

“ An earthquake?” Sam answered you puzzled.

“ Why Dean acts like nothing happened then?” You asked feeling your heartbeat still rising. “ He didn’t even got scared!” You said again.

“ I don’t know!” He told you in a gruff voice and walked out of the kitchen. You followed him “ Dean didn’t you feel the earthquake?” Sam asked Dean calmly.

“ No, Dad...” Dean answered getting more comfortable on the couch. You and Sam shared an even more confused and alarmed look. And then suddenly everything got blurry. Everything but you and Sam. At first you thought that something happened to your eyes but you could see Sam clearly and he could see you clearly! It lasted for a moment and then everything was back to normal again! You were looking at each other with your eyes and mouths wide open. But again...

“ Dean...Did you see that?” You asked trying to keep your voice calm. But you already suspected the answer.

“ See what, Mom?” He asked. You and Sam swallowed hard.

“ Nothing, baby...forget it...” You said in a calm tone and both you and Sam headed back to the kitchen.

“ Why are we the only ones that saw that...?!” You asked in a low gruff voice and alarmed tone. He was about to tell you something but Dean walked in the kitchen.

“ I’m gonna get some more sleep...” He told you brushing his eyes. You turned around to look at him and you knocked a plate down. The plate broke in slow motion and then it disappeared! It vanished! Sam saw it and his eyes got even wider with shock and they met your wide shocked eyes. Dean didn’t even flinch. He just looked again at you and Sam.

“ Ok,Baby...” You said trying to smile.

“ Ok, Buddy...” Sam answered but his tone was troubled. He followed Dean with his eyes like if he was trying to figure something out.You looked at him even more confused. Once Dean went upstairs and you both heard the door close Sam looked at you and took a deep breath.

“ What do you think is going on?” You asked having figured out that he had something in mind. You had something in mind too but...you didn’t want it to be true...cause if it was...

“Ok...” He started saying as you were listening to him carefully. “This might sound far-fetched but...doesn’t this seem a little...” He struggled to find a word for a few moments. “...unreal?...” He said finally. You looked at him and took a deep breath. Yes it sounded far-fetched! Yes! You hated the suggestion!...But it crossed your mind too... But still...

“ It does sound far-fetched...” You admitted but before you could say another word Dean walked in the kitchen again. But from the living room!

“ I’m gonna get some more sleep...” He said again. “ Mom, Dad I love you...” He added in the same tone as before and headed upstairs again! You looked at Sam swallowng hard with your heartbeat rising.

“ Dean and Charlie...” You started saying in a trembling voice.

“ I don’t think they’re real...” Sam broke it to you. And it was as scary and painful to him as it was for you. Cause if this place wasn’t real you were in danger! And your babies are probably in danger too! You felt like someone punched you in the gut and you felt your eyes getting wet... You looked at Sam but he seemed to realise something else.

“ What day is it?” He asked you. And he wasn’t asking to find out. He knew exactly why he was asking. Because you could remember everything that happened in your life. Everything that happened last week! But you didn’t know the freaking date! And if he was asking you! Neither did he! You looked at him shocked. He looked back at you taking a deep worried breath just as you started breathing heavily. You put your hand on your belly and tried to regulate your breaths. Everything was fine! Dean and Charlie were fine! Sam was fine! Something else was going on! You tried to convince yourself. Sam moved close to you and wrapped his arms around you. You rested your head on his chest and held him tight. He opened his mouth to say something but before he could a little girl walked in. She was wearing her pjs. She had Sam’s eyes but her hair looked more like yours. She was six or seven years old. You and Sam were looking at her with eyes wide open. You didn’t move as she walked in and sat on a chair. She yawned. A yawn you and Sam knew too damn well!

“ Mom...Dad...I’m hungry... What’s for dinner?” She said looking at you two. You and Sam shared a look full of shock and confusion. “ Mom, Dad...Are you alright?” She asked you in a worried tone.

“ Charlie...?” Sam asked in a breathless voice as you were both still looking at her unable to explain what was happening.

“ Yes?” Your daughter answered at the sound of her name. Just as you realised that it wasn’t morning anymore.

“ Sam...” You said brushing Sam’s arm with trembling hands. “ It’s night...It was morning a few seconds ago...” You said in a low gruff voice. Sam looked at you realising you were right and he swallowed hard. You turned to look at your daughter again and find out what was going on but she was gone! Vanished into thin air! You and Sam took a few steps back startled.

“ Charlie?” You yelled not really expecting to get an answer. You looked at Sam. And you both knew that it was time to face it. This wasn’t real! You didn’t know where you were but this world wasn’t real! But then there’s the question... Eveything seemed real up to the point you started suspecting it wasn’t. Dean and Charlie seemed real too...What if... You looked at Sam as if you were seeing him for the first time. He looked at you confused at first and then he looked at you the same way. You both took a few steps away from each other... Was Sam even real? Was he really Sam?

“ You’re not real either...” He told you in a gruff voice. He wasn’t asking you. He was expressing what he just realised. But he was wrong. It was him that wasn’t real.

“ I’m real alright...It’s you that’s not really here...” You said taking a few more steps back.

“ That’s what you’d say ...real or not...” Sam said brushing his face not sure what to do. Not sure what to believe. And you weren’t sure either but...

“ Everything I thought...you thought too...” You started saying. “You see what I see... Realise what I realise...Think what I think...You haven’t had a single original thought... All of it was me...” You said and your voice broke as you started feeling completely alone.

“ Or all of it was me...” Sam told you in a gruff voice and troubed tone. “ But maybe we jumped in the same conclusions...” He added looking straight into your eyes. You looked at each other having no idea what was true. You didn’t know if Sam was real. But you were both looking at each other hoping that the other one was real...But you didn’t know if the hope you were seeing in Sam’s eyes was yours or his... Your mind was working fast. You needed to find a way to check this out. You needed to find a way to check if Sam had an original thought. Something that you didn’t think for him. Something you couldn’t predict..And if that really was Sam he needed it too to know you were real. But how could you check that... You kept looking at each other when suddenly it hit you.

“Rock, paper,scissors...” You said and your eyes turned wide open. You turned to look at Sam who was looking at you a little confused. You rushed to explain. “ If you’re not real and if I’m not real...” You said considering the fact that he was really Sam. “We’ll be able to predict each other’s answer and with that prediction define it since it’s all in our heads...But if i’m wrong about you and you’re wrong about me...then you’re real...and you’ll know I’m real...” You said. Sam looked at you considering this.

“If we get the same we try more than once...to rule out coincidence...” Sam said to you nodding. You nodded too and you both took positions to play. A game that right now was more than just a game. Cause if that wasn’t Sam you were alone in this. And if it was he was trapped like you. And that would mean you were all in danger... “ Ready?” Sam asked.

“ Yeah...” You said nodding. You looked at each other and went for it! You had already predicted that Sam would use rock and as for you you’d use whatever came to mind. One,two, three! Your fingers were shaping scissors and Sam’s...Sam’s were shaping paper!You looked straight into his eyes. This time knowing that he was Sam! That he was here with you. That you were both trapped in there. He looked back at you and you tried to understand if you passed the test for him.Or if you’d have to try again. But he smiled and nodded to you. You smiled at him too. And you both knew that you passed each other’s test. Both of you realised that the other wasn’t your imagination but the person you loved so damn much! You both run to each other. Sam wrapped his arms around you and held you tight as you run your fingers through his hair. You closed your eyes and for a few moments you were just holding each other because now you knew you were together in this and you were both worried as hell for each other and...

“ Dean and Charlie...” You said pulling back and your voice broke with agony. Where were your kids?

“ They’re not in here...” Sam said in a gruff and worried voice trying to keep it together. But that wasn’t comforting either of you because you had no idea what was going on in the real world and that could mean that your babies were in danger! “ We need to get out of here!” Sam said what you were thinking too.

“ Yeah...” You nodded determined. You stayed silent for a few seconds not knowing where to begin. Then you spoke again breaking the silence. “ Well...We have no idea how we even got here...so we need to find something to understand what “here” is...” You said.

“ Yeah...” Sam nodded. His face had an expression of deep concentration. “ So...we search for anything unusual...” He said.

“ Ok...You search the house...I’ll search outside...” You said in a determined tone. Determined to get back to the real world and your babies.

“ No...” Sam stopped you. “ Right now....We do’t know what “ here” is...so we do it together...” He told you eager to protect you. He had a point. You had no idea what you were in and what dangers could lie there so it was best for you to stay together so you could protect each other if you had to.

“ Ok...” You nodded. You shared a firm and loving kiss and you pulled back with determined look on your faces. You started from the room you were in. The kitchen...You found nothing there and you weren’t really surprised. You moved to the living room. You moved the pillows, you searched under the couch, you watched tv but nothing was out of the ordinary. Then you moved upstairs. First you searched your room and then your children’s room. They were gone...Vanished...You weren’t surprised...They weren’t real! They weren’t really there! And you needed to get back to them! But after searching the whole house you had found nothing. Not even a single clue. You decided to go outside. Maybe you’d find something there. There was one unusual thing there but again you weren’t that surprised. You were the only people around. It was like everyone had just vanished. But the town looked exactly like you knew it. You walked down the streets you visited the library and even the police station. You even visited Dean’s school. There was nothing there. You came back home. You were feeling disappointed and desperate. When Sam put the keys on the door to open part of you wished you were in the bunker to search every single book there. Sam opened the door and walked in. You walked in behind him.

“ What the hell...?” He said in a gruff voice surprised and confused. You were looking around with your eyes wide open too. You opened the door to your home but you walked in the bunker! You both walked in. You came back from the shock fast realising you were the one that caused the change in the scenery.

“ That was me...” You said brushing Sam’s arm gently. He turned to look at you confused. “ This place either follows our thoughts or it actually is our thoughts...” You explained.

“So we’re trapped in our mind?...or rather a combination of our minds?...” He asked you. You nodded acknowledging it was a possibility. “ Great...” Sam said sarastically throwing his hands in the air.

“ We might as well take advantage of it...” You said and walked straight to the library. “ We might find something here...” You said reaching for a book.

“ You’re right...” Sam said and took a book from the library too. You both sat down and started reading searching for anything that could explain this or help you get out. When you lifted your head from the book you realised you were back home. You looked around startled. The book you were reading was on your lap and the rest you took out of the library was on the table in your living room! Both you and Sam were sitting on the couch. He was looking around startled too. You shared a troubled look and continued reading. After reading every single book you had there you came up with nothing. You tried to work it as a case but nothing came up. And you found yourselves on the couch feeling disappointed ,desperate and worried for each other and your children. You took a deep breath and burried yourself in Sam’s arms. He exhaled deeply closing his eyes briefly trying to calm himself down as he run his arms around you. He pulled you closer and held you tight.You both didn’t even flinch when morning turned to night again. You closed your eyes and you felt them hurt as tears started running down your cheeks as you were thinking about your babies. Where were they? Where they alright? Where they safe?

“ They’re fine...” Sam told you in a gruff voice trying to sound calm. Trying to convince you and himself. “Our home is warded and their rooms are even more heavily warded...You even put that warding symbol there that we didn’t know what it was...” He chuckled but he couldn’t hide how worried he was too.

“ And what if they’re not home...” You said pulling back to look at Sam.

“ Then they’re with Jody...” He told you trying to calm both of you down. “ If this happened during a hunt...” He started saying. “ Then they’re staying with Jody... so they’re safe...” He cocncluded and exhaled deeply. You nodded and Sam leaned and pressed his lips on your head in a loving kiss. You closed your eyes again and brushed his cheeks.

“ We’ll get out of here...” He told you in a low voice and kissed your head again. You run your fingers through his. You brushed them gently as he was pulling back. And suddenly you could not feel them! You could not feel him! You opened your eyes and looked next to you. He wasn’t there! You looked around! He wasn’t anywhere! You got up!

“ Sam?” You yelled looking around waiting to hear something! Anything!You felt your heart sink. So many scenarios were running through your mind. You clenched your fists! You needed to get out of here! Now! But as you were about to take another step towards the books you had on the table the whole place started shaking again. And this time it wasn’t stopping!

“(Y/N)!” You heard Cas’ voice from somewhere. Somewhere far!You couldn’t understand where it was coming from. You started feeling your knees weak! You felt you were fainting!

“ Wake up!” Cas’ voice again. You fell down thinking you were losing consciousness but you never reached the floor! You felt like you were falling and the colours you were seeing turned black and soon you felt your body lying on the hard floor! You started feeling your hands and legs! You were feeling like you were lost somewhere deep and you just managed to get to the surface! “Dean!” You heard Cas’ voice again impatient and close to you!

“ It’s burning,Cas!” You heard Dean’s voice in response loud and gruff. Seconds later you felt your body warming up and your eyes opened suddenly and you were breathing heavily! You saw Cas’ face in front of you! Something was burning in distance! “ She’s awake!” Cas announced.

“ Sam...” You said without thinking.Your voice was gruff and tired.

“ He’s fine...” You heard Cas’ voice. “ He’s still a little dizzy...” He added. You heard Sam growl and before you could say anything you felt a terrible headache like someone was crushing your skul! You growled too...

“ (Y/N)...Are you alright?” You heard Sam’s gruff and worried voice. You didn’t answer. You couldn’t! The pain was unbearable!And in this terrible pain your memories were coming back! What happened in the last few days! Dean was back! Cas was in danger! You got attacked! Cas told you not to trust Dean?! Your babies! Your eyes turned wide with worry.

“ (Y/N)...The kids...” You heard Sam’s gruff struggling voice just a few feet away from you saying exactly what you were thinking. You tried to get up to check on them but you were feeling dizzy.

“ They’re fine...They’re sleeping...” You heard Cas’ soothing voice. That wasn’t enough for you. You needed to see them! You managed to sit up and looked around. Cas was next to you helping you up. Sam was sitting on the floor pale with an expression of pain. His head must be killing him too. Dean was sitting next to Sam watching both him and the fire dieing out in a plate next to him. When Sam started feeling a little better Dean helped him up as the fire died out completely. Sam walked close to you as fast as he could. Cas helped you stand up too.

“ Are you alright?” He asked you in the same gruff and worried voice when he got to you. You were both still breathing heavilly.

“ Yeah...yeah...I’m fine...” You rushed to tell him. “ Are you alright?” You asked worried too.

“ Yeah...” He rushed to tell you as you both wanted to get upstairs and check on your kids. Normally you trusted both Dean and Cas with your lives but before you lost consiousness Cas had called telling you not to trust Dean and Dean bursted in knowing that something was about to happen. Something that Cas also knew was about to happen. And now they were working together! And how Cas did even get here? How did they both found out that something was up? And what the hell happened to you and Sam? So until they explained exactly what happened you didn’t trust them! And you wouldn’t wait that long to check on your children! You run to the stairs with Sam behind you. Cas and Dean didn’t try to stop you. They knew that you wouldn’t relax or listen to them until you made sure Dean and Charlie were safe! You and Sam shared a look and you headed to Dean’s room while Sam walked past you to get to Charlie’s. You walked in Dean’s room and you saw him sleeping peacefully on his bed. You approached him and brushed his hair. He turned facing you. You felt a huge burden lift from your chest! You felt so relieved! You brushed his hair once more and then leaned to kiss his little head with so much love. You pulled back just as Sam walked in with Charlie in his arms.

“ He is fine...” You wispered exhaling deeply with relief. Sam exhaled relieved too. “ Charlie?” You asked looking at your baby girl sleeping in her dad’s arms.

“ Charlie is fine too...” He informed you. “ She needed a new daiper but she is fine...” He wispered too with a smile.

“ Mom...Dad...What’s going on?” Dean asked with his eyes half open and his voice low.

“ Everything’s fine,Buddy...” Sam told him in a low voice as you were brushing his hair.

“ Go back to sleep,baby...” You said and got up. Sam passed you Charlie who put her tiny arms around your neck and he leaned to kiss Dean’s head. He brushed Dean’s hair as he was already asleep again and he followed you outside. You kissed Charlie’s little head and took her back to her room. You put her in her crib and walked outside again just as Sam had closed Dean’s door.You closed Charlie’s door as Sam was moving close to you. You leaned on the door and closed your eyes taking a deep relieved breath. You put your hand on your stomach and you felt your eyes getting wet. You both got so scared for your babies...for each other... He took a deep breath and pulled you close to him holding you tight and you run your hands around his neck pulling him even closer... Both of you relieved that your children were fine and safe and that you were holding each other in your arms safe and sound too... You pulled back slowly. Sam’s eyes slightly wet as well. You took a few moments to relax and Sam spoke again breaking the silence.

“ Time to find out what the hell happened!” He said in a low gruff voice. His tone firm and his expression determined.

“ Yeah...” You answered and your voice sounded gruff too and you were as determined as Sam. “ But first...” You said and run to your room. You searched for your gun and Sam’s gun. You found them there just as Sam walked in too. You handed him his gun and loaded yours. “ Just in case...” You said.

“ Right...” Sam said in the same gruff voice and loaded his gun. You both put your guns in your back pockets and headed out of your room. You walked down the stairs again.

“ How are they?” Cas asked in his gruff calm voice when he saw you coming back down.

“ They’re fine...” Sam said in a calm voice.

“ For now...” Dean said looking straight at you and Sam. His voice gruff and serious. You and Sam looked at Dean. He was informing you. You felt your heartbeat rising. You and Sam shared a look. What was that supposed to mean?

“ What do you mean?” Sam asked.” What the hell happened here?” He asked.

“ How the hell did you even get here?” You asked looking at Cas. “And how did you know to get here?” You asked looking at both of them. Dean didn’t answer and looked at Cas. Cas looked back at him. Then they both looked back at you. You didn’t have a good feeling about this. You and Sam shared a cautious look. Cas opened his mouth and spoke in a serious tone.

“ We have a lot to explain...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter July 17...:-)


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas explains what happened...

“ We have a lot to explain...” Cas told you and Sam in a serious tone. He hesitated for a second not sure how to begin but in the end he decided to take it from the very beginning. Dean was looking at Cas and from his expression you realised he was waiting to hear something he had already heard. Probably while they were trying to bring you back. You and Sam were just looking at Cas. “ About two months ago...” He started. “ There was an escape from heaven’s prison... Someone managed to get in and help with the escape...We didn’t know who did it or why but I tried to help to catch the prisoners again...” You and Sam already suspected who the prisoners were when Cas told you. They were the two remaining members of the Protective Squad. Both of them reapers. “ I was tracking one down...” Cas continued. “ When I almost cought him he told me something about revenge on the Winchesters but before I could do anything...he was gone...” He said frustrated. “ I searched the place were he disappeared and all I found was some strange powder...Used mostly in spells...A few days later I found out that this was the same powder found at Heaven’s prison...Apparently someone wanted them free and they would try to get to them to get revenge on you...” He said looking at you and Sam. “ So I found the other reaper and he agreed to help me... eventually...” Cas added indicating that the reaper wasn’t that willing to help him save you. “I asked him to tell me if anyone would contact him and who they were...And I told him that I’d find you to warn you...But on my way to you I was captured...They used holy oil to trap me and then...They took my grace... And then they knocked me unconscious...” You and Sam were wondering who they were but you didn’t interrupt because you assumed Cas was getting there. “When I woke up again I was tied on a chair in a dark room with no windows and a small door and...” He explained to you. You and Sam shared a worried look as Cas opened his mouth to continue. “ And that’s when three witches walked in...They knew I found out that you were their target and they wanted me out of the way... They thought about killing me but in the end they decided I was more useful to them alive...They interogated me a few times trying to find out details about your lives but they weren’t getting anything from me...So they decided to kell me when their plan would be complete...I was there for more than a month and I heard about their plan to attack you tonight...” He said. “...among other things...” He added vaguely. You and Sam shared a worried and puzzled look.

“ Other things like...?” You asked in a calm voice.

“ Like the fact that **they** brought me back...” Dean answered in his gruff voice brushing his chest briefly.

“ Wait a second...” Sam said. “ Witches brought you back? Why would they do that?” He asked confused. Just like with the vamps that didn’t make any sense. Why would witches bring him back from the dead?

“ Part of their plan...” Dean said looking at the floor briefly. You and Sam shared another confused look trying to understand what was going on. Part of their plan? What did Dean have to do with any of this? Why Cas didn’t act like he acted on the phone? He warned you not to trust him! What changed his mind? Cas continued and explained to you that when he managed to escape when they were transfering him to another room. He run as fast as he could to the nearest store and called you to warn you. And knowing that the witches brought Dean back and that he was part of their plan he assumed that he was somehow brainwashed. He didn’t hear exactly how Dean was fitting in their plan but if he was part of it and he was there with you you were in more imminent danger than he thought. So when he called and heard you saying that Dean was there he tried to warn you but it was too late. He hung up and broke to a car and drove to you as fast as he could. He was closer than he thought. And when he got there he found the door slightly open and he saw you and Sam on the floor. He hid behind the window so that he could see what was going on inside making sure they couldn’t see him. He stood trying to find a way to save you... And Dean...Because if he was really brainwashed by them he wouldn’t be almost unconscious handcuffed on a chair. Three witches were talking in front of him. He didn’t recognise them. One was also in the kitchen and another one was checking on you and Sam. Those he recognised. The one checking on you had interogated him at some point. Dean started waking up again and the woman that was closer to him looked at the other two in front of him.

“ Should we try the spell again?” She asked. The eldest woman turned to look at her. She had redish hair and at least three bracelets on every hand and all of them had a symbol on. Symbols he didn’t recognise.

“ No...There’s no point now...” She said leaning on him with a sardonic smile on her face.

“ Yes, Ma’am...” The other one answered as Dean was blinking trying to clear his vision. She straightened up again and continued talking.

“ Everything will be over tonight...” She said and turned around to the woman next to her wearing a red dress and many long necklasses and bracelets. She was younger. Dean was fully awake know watching everything that was happening around him. At first he was a little surprised but he seemed to expect most of what he was seeing. Now that no one was watching him (except Cas from the window but he didn’t know that) he tried as silently as possible to break free.

“ Ma’am...The spell has worn off...” The woman from the kitchen said tothe woman with the redish hair, their leader as Cas had assumed correctly by now.

“ Good...” She said and turned around to look at Dean with the same smile. He looked back at her provoking her with his stubborn look but she knew she had the upper hand and she was enjoying it. “ I want him to be fully awake for this...” She said casually turning around again. She searched in her pocket and got a silver dagger that had a lot of symbols on. She smiled widely to herself and she turned impatiently towards the stairs to get upstairs but the woman with the red dress stopped her.

“ Don’t you think this is going too far?” She asked. The other one stopped and looked at her confused as she opened her mouth again to continue. “ They are children...They have nothing to do with this...” She said. “ Can’t we just kill **them**?” She said and pointed at you and Sam. She wanted to continue but the other one spoke again.

“ I want them to suffer as I suffered...” She said with a voice trembling with rage. “ I want them to wake up in a world where their child is dead...Like I did when they killed Cara! I want them to feel the same pain I felt when I realised they killed her!...” She said as her eyes were turning even wider.

“ Cara killed innocent people... And they are just children!” The one in the red dress protested raising her voice.

“ NO!” The other one said and her eyes turned even wider with rage. “ They are Winchesters! And they deserve to die like the rest of them! And donb’t worry... I’m gonna kill **them**...” She said and looked at yours and Sam’s still bodies. “ But first they are gonna wake up to see their children dead! And you, Sia, can either help me revenge your sister or you can join them!” She concluded in a calm voice and calculated manner.

“ Yes, Ma’am...” The woman replied lowering her voice and her head. The other one smiled with a satisfied look on her face.

“ And when Crystal kills the angel everything will be over!” She added smiling again ready to head towards the stairs.

“ I wouldn’t count on that...” Dean said with a smile and a gruff voice. She turned to look at him. “ I killed her after she told me evrything about your plan...” He continued. He was trying to buy some time. Trying to find a way to get out of this and save all of you. So he tried to get her carried away into talking and it seemed to work. Because she seemed so confident that no one could stop her. “ She attacked me thinking that the angel was with me...She tried to put a spell on me but she didn’t make it...I interogated her and she told me everything about your little plan...” He said gruffly. She smiled widely.

“ And yet you didn’t manage to stop it...” She said to him. Dean felt like he was punched. “ Don’t worry...” She said leaning in front of him again. “ You will pay for Crystal’s death...Not the way I originally wanted...” She said mostly talking to herself but then she looked straight into Dean’s eyes and continued. “ You see the spell didn’t work when I brought you back and you weren’t under my control like I planned... Because of an incompetent little witch that of course I killed afterwards..this plan didn’t work... And it was a nice plan... You would gain their trust and they would welcome you to their home...and then you would hand them and their children to me and stand right next to me as I would kill them...” Her smile got even wider and more sadistic. “ And then you’d wake up to your old self just in time to realise what you did...To see the pain in their eyes...To see the blame in their eyes for their children’s death...And then I would make you kill them and I would give you just enough time to realise you killed your brother and the woman you loved before slitting your throat...” She concluded still smiling as Dean’s eyes had gotten wet and his provoking smile had disappeared from his face making her smile wider. “ I sent the werewolves and the vampires to get you so that I could try to to do the spell again... And they were oh so willing to help me take revenge on the Winchesters... Everyone wants revenge on the Winchesters...But the werewolves were too impatient and they went straight for killing you and your little brother and the vampires were completely useless....”She sighed.“ And since this plan didn’t work...I’ll have to settle for you watching me kill their children and killing your brother and the woman you loved...And you’re going to watch it all with every single detail... unable to stop any of it...” She said. Dean blinked a few times looking straight into her eyes with so much hatred. She smiled to him satisfied. Cas was watching all this outside knowing if he attempted to get in right now they would kill him and he wouldn’t be able to save you or your children. She looked at the woman who was checking on you and Sam.

“ Check upstairs for traps...” She said.

“ Yes, Ma’am...” The woman answered and went up the stairs. Dean was thinking as fast as he could while trying to get out of the handcuffs.

“ Stop trying...” She told him again smiling. “ Even I can’t get out of those and I can assure you you won’t!” She grinned at Dean.

“ You wanna bet...?” Dean said with a smirk.

“ No...not really...”She answered. “ It’s high time for me to get my revenge...” She said leaning and scratching his cheek with the dagger a little. She turned around towards the stairs.

“ If you do this...I’m gonna find you...And before I kill you...I’m gonna make you pay in ways not even you can imagine...” Dean threatened her gruffly calm voice. But he understood he was out of time and unless something happened he wouldn’t be able to save your children or you and Sam.

“ No...You won’t...” She grinned at him again. “ And that’s the beauty of it...” She exclaimed and headed towards the stairs but the woman that went upstairs before was coming down alarmed.

“ Ma’am...There are no traps but the neutralising spell hasn’t reached their rooms and I can’t even touch the surface of their doors...” She said and showed her her burned hands. Her eyes turned wide with rage again and looked at you and Sam. Dean took advantage of the oportunity.

“ I guess you’re not gonna get your revenge...” He chuckled provoking her. Trying to buy even more time. She looked at him furious and then at the stairs.

“ I’ll do it myself!” She said between her teeth and pushed the other woman aside heading upstairs. And Cas knew that he had to act now. He bursted in through the open door and punched the woman with the red dress. Dean took advantage of the mess and got up with fast moves and broke the chair on the floor while still handcuffed. Their leader turned around to see and growled furiously at Dean and Cas. She jumped off the stairs to attack Dean but he kicked her in the gut as Cas was fighting the woman that went upstairs before. She knocked him down as their leader tried to stab Dean with the dagger but he stopped her with the cuffs that were destroyed by the dagger. That enraged her even more.

“ Christine!” She yelled.

“ On it!” The woman in the kitchen yelled. Their leader turned to look at Dean again.

“ This isn’t over!” She said with a sardonic smile and as Cas was getting up to punch again they all disappeared. For a few moments both Dean and Cas were breathing heavily. Then Cas got up and run upstairs to check on your children as Dean was checking on you and Sam. Cas came back down and Dean looked at him worried waiting to hear if your kids were fine. Cas nodded notifying him that they were fine.

“ Sam and (Y/N)...?” He asked approaching.

“ They are alive...” Dean said.

“ What did she do to them?” Cas asked trying to examine you.

“ I’m not sure...” Dean asnwered. He looked around for any clues but all he saw was a small dusty bottle where the woman with the red dress had fallen. Something was sparkling inside. At first he got scared that this was just another spell but then his mind worked fast. “ Cas!” He said and showed him the bottle. Cas looked at it and smiled.

“ My grace!” He exclaimed running towards the bottle. He opened it and took his grace back as Dean was getting up covering his eyes as Cas’ wings appeared and his eyes and body got bright. When the light was gone Cas smiled at Dean. Dean moved close to him and hugged his best friend after eight whole years...

“ Nice to see you again, Cas!” He said smiling. Cas hugged him back.

“ Nice to see you too,old friend!” He said with a gentle smile as Dean was pulling back. And after this brief reunion they both returned to your side and found the hex bags in your pockets.

“ We need to burn them...” Dean said taking the hex bag that was in your pocket from Cas’ hands. He run to the kitchen to get a plate and started a fire tossing the hex bags inside. They started burning but soon the process slowed down. Dean was looking startled.

“ She must have used some kind of fire resistance spell on them..” Cas said frustrated.

“ So what do we do know?” Dean asked throwing his hands in the air.

“ They are going to burn...” Cas explained. “ Just in a much slower rate...” He said and looked at Dean. Dean brushed his face and looked at Cas.

“ So now we wait...”Dean said breathlessly.

“ Yeah...” Cas agreed and they both sat down next to you and Sam waiting for the hex bags to burn. “ How are you doing, Dean?” Cas asked in a gentle voice. Dean chuckled.

“ I’m back eight years later in what feels like a different world and I’m doing my best to keep my brother, (Y/N) and their kids alive...” He said gruffly. His voice loaded with emotion. He took a deep breath and looked at Cas.

“ How are you, Cas?” He asked. “ We’ve been searching for you for ages...” He said expressing his worry. “ How did you escape?” He asked again. Cas started explaining everything that happened to him since the moment he found out about the escape in heaven’s prison. But as he was explaining both you and Sam felt that there was something that Dean and Cas weren’t telling you.

“ Do you know who Cara is?” Cas cocncluded his narration asking you. You and Sam looked at each other. You knew a witch named Cara. But that was many years ago and you were the one who killed her. Right after she used a verbal spell to get Sam unconscious. You remembered thinking how powerful she was to use verbal spells without any hex bags and now you started realising who she took that from. Her mother was a very powerful witch too. She used a neutrisling spell using sparkling powder that was still shining on the floor a little. She got you and Sam unconscious and brought Dean back and she also had a witch with her that performed a teleporting spell! And that was enough to get you and Sam panicked knowing that her target was your children! Because you killed her daughter. Cara... who got on Sam’s hunter radar when she started killing people. You killed her to save him from her spell.

“ Yeah...” Sam answered gruffly looking at Cas and Dean. “ She was a case we worked on a long time ago...” He explained vaguely.

“ Apparently her mother took all this time to plan her revenge...” Dean said brushing his eyes feeling tired.

“ On our children...” You said worried and your voice broke at the end. Sam brushed his face worried as hell just like you.

“ At least now they are safe...” He said in a gruff voice exhaling deeply.

“ But what kept them out?” You asked looking at Cas and Dean and then at Sam.

“ Some sort of warding...” Cas told you unsure what it was. But you didn’t think the warding you put there could keep the witches out like it didn’t keep them out of the rest of your home. Sam got lost in his thoughts for a few seconds and then he raised his head and looked at you.

“ The symbol!” He said to you. You started understanding what he meant. “ The symbol we put in their bedrooms but we weren’t sure what it was warding against!” He said.

“ You’re right!” You said to him and you shared a huge smile of relief that you were able to protect your children even when you were unconscious. You put your hand on your stomach taking a deep breath. You felt your heartbeat return to normal. “ They’re safe...” You said exhaling deeply.

“ Yeah...” Sam said taking a deep breath too. But he wasn’t feeling relaxed and not that relieved. He was looking straight into Dean’s eyes. “ For now...” He said still looking at Dean who lowered his head and then turned to look at you. You looked straight into his eyes and you understood what Sam was talking about. You remembered Dean saying that before Cas started explaining what happened. You swallowed hard and then looked again at Dean and Cas. Cas was looking at you and Sam with that look that said he wished he could change that fact. And Dean was biting his lower lip in an attempt to contain the anger he was feeling inside. Anger for himself that he didn’t manage to stop any of this. But all you and Sam cared about was what they weren’t telling you. Why wouldn’t your kids be safe? Besides the fact that there were powerful witches out there with your children as targets. They had something more specific in mind that they weren’t telling you.

“ Cas...” Dean said in a gruff and calm voice urging him to tell you. Cas looked at him and nodded and then he turned to look at you with a serious expression on his face.

“ When I was trying to get out of where they were keeping me..” Cas started saying. “ I heard them talking about tonight’s attack...and...I heard them talking about what they’d do if tonight didn’t work...They said it would be their last resort but if tonight wouldn’t work they would do it...” Cas explained.

“ Do what, Cas?” Sam asked worried and impatient.

“ They would use a spell to kill Dean from distance...At least Dean is first...” He explained. Sam looked at him confused. But your witch expertise made your heart sink. They couldn’t do that! That was a very powerful spell! Performed only a handful of times throughout history! Cas looked at you because he knew you understood what spell he was talking about.

“ They can’t do that!” You said looking straight at him. “ This is a very powerful spell and they couldn’t even perform correctly a simple mindcontrol spell...!” You said pointing at Dean. Sam could hear the panic in your voice.

“ That was a mistake...” Cas explained calmly. “ Their leader killed the witch that made the mistake the same day...” He said looking at you and Sam. “ (Y/N), they have enough power to do it...They are many more witches working together than the ones that were here tonight! If they combine their powers...” Cas told you.

“ So! They can kill our children! Without having any actual contact with them!!!” Sam said in a gruff and trembling with agony voice. He turned to look at you and you looked at him with your eyes getting wet. You felt tears running down your cheeks as your heart was painfully squeezing in your chest. Sam swallowed hard looking straight into your eyes and you saw his eyes getting wet.

“ They’ll try...” Dean said looking at you and Sam. You turned to look at him and then at Sam. You shared a look and you felt the same fire burning inside you! You wouldn’t let a freaking witch hurt Dean and Charlie! You wouldn’t let anything happen to your children! You wouldn’t let anyone hurt them in any way! And if anyone tried to stop you...So help you God!...

“ How much time do we have?” Sam asked Cas in a gruff determined voice.

“ Three days...Maybe four... They are missing some ingredients...It’s a very difficult spell...”Cas said to Sam.

“ Ok...” Sam said and he opened his mouth to express the plan he had already made in his mind but you interrupted him.

“ Actually it’s more...” You said and you run to your room after looking briefly at Sam. You searched your drawer with trembling hands and you found the book you were looking for. You had taken that with you when you left the bunker. It was a very small book. It looked more like a notebook but it contained every detail about the most powerful spells ever used. Some were even more powerful than the spells in the Book of the Damned! And the one you had to deal with was one of them! Because the amount of power that needed to cast it was immense! You opened it and run back downstairs as you were turning the pages as fast as you could to find the part you were looking for. “ That’s it!...” You said finally when you got there. They were all looking at you waiting. “ It took the spell thriteen days to kill Alexander the Great...” Dean and Sam were looking at you confused and you rushed to explain. “ It’s not a spell that kills instantly...It resembles a sickness and how much it takes to kill someone depends on how much they are able to resist!...In the end they always die..it’s just the time that varies...” You said and pointed at the book. “ It’s all in here...” You said and looked at the book again searching for other useful information while you continued talking. “ So I’m guessing since Dean is still a child...” You started saying trying to explain that even if you didn’t manage to stop them from performing the spell you still had at least three to four days to stop the effect. But your voice broke... Your eyes got wet...And your throat closed and you felt you couldn’t speak anymore...or read... You heard Sam swallowing hard next to you. Both of you trying so damn hard to keep it together! Wishing they wanted to kill you instead! Feeling your heart break in a million pieces at even the thought of you failing to save your children...

“ We’ll get to them before they can do the spell...” Sam said in a gruff voice and determined tone again. Looking at his brother who nodded determined as hell not to let anything happen to your children or you! You nodded too letting the fire inside fuel you! You took a deep breath and continued!

“ The effects can be delayed by warding...There is a symbol here...” You said and pointed at the symbol on the page. Then you read a few things about the ingredients and what the effects are like. And as you remembered the ingredients were impossible to find...If she has been only missing three she must have gone in to great lengths to secure the rest of them... When you finished you and Sam shared a determined look as Dean loaded his gun. You turned to look at him.

“We’re going on a witch hunt...” He said and smiled to you and Sam. You nodded and started making plans...

First of all you had to get where they were holding Cas. You doubted they’d still be there but you could find a lot of clues there that could lead you to their location. You considered using a tracking spell but these witches seemed to be experts. You doubted you could track them with a spell. You had to go with the traditional way. Research... And of course Dean and Charlie couldn’t be there for all this. Dean and Cas argued that you and Sam should stay with your kids and let them handle it. Though obviously you couldn’t stay home anymore now that the witches knew exactly where you were. But you and Sam disagreed! You had to be there! You had to do everything in your powers to keep your babies safe! You’ve never seen each other more determined to hunt...or more scared...Scared because your children were your whole world and you couldn’t even bear the thought of anything happening to them. So you agreed to take them to Jody. Explain the situation to her and keep you posted for anything unusual. The sun would come up in an hour or so. You were sitting on the couch lost in any book you could find for anything that would seem useful. Sam was sitting next to you searching on his laptop for anything that could lead you to the witches’ location while Dean was looking at a map of the area with Cas trying to pinpoint exactly where the witches had him. Suddenly you heard the door open from upstairs. You let the books on your side and Sam put his laptop aside and you both got up recognising the small footsteps on the stairs.

“ Mom...Dad... I’m thirsty...” Dean said brushing his eyes. You smiled to him.

“ I’ll bring you a glass of water, Baby...” You said ready to head to the kitchen as Sam was heading towards him. But before either of you could take a few steps Dean was done brushing his eyes and he was looking with his eyes wide open somewhere behind you.

“ Uncle Cas!” He yelled excited.

“ Hello, Dean...” Cas said gently smiling widely. You turned your head briefly to see Dean looking at your baby with a gentle smile on his face. You saw your baby’s eyes turn even wider and he jaw dropped.

“ Uncle Dean?!” Dean asked breathlessly confused and shocked. You and Sam shared an uncomfortable look. What would you tell him now? Dean knew that his uncle was...in Heaven...and suddenly he was right there with you. How would you explain that? Dean continued down the stairs to get closer. He came close to you and Sam and looked at you confused.

“ Mom, Dad... you said...” He started asking you.

“ Buddy...” Sam started saying having no idea how to continue. What to say to him. He looked at you for help but you had no idea either. And then you saw a huge smile form on your baby’s face. He looked at Dean and then at you and Sam briefly and then he run close to Dean.

“ I know!” He said looking up at him. Dean kneeled to be on the same level as your baby. “ You took a few days off from Heaven to visit us!” He said smiling excited at Dean. “ To see how Mom and Dad are doing...” He said. You and Sam looked at each other knowing that this was the best version right now.

“ Yeah...” Dean answered to your baby with a warm smile on his face. “ Something like that...” He said gently. You and Sam were watching without saying anything. “ Nice to meet you, Dean...” Dean said with a gentle and caring smile to your baby. Dean smiled widely in response.

“ Uncle Dean, do you want to see my cars?...Dad said you loved our car...” Dean said after a few seconds still smiling widely.

“Yeah...” Dean answered taken by surprise. “I’d love that...” He added smiling like a child. Dean run to his room excited as fast as he could and brought his toy cars. He took Dean’s hand and made him sit on the carpet next to him. And they started playing with the little cars. And you and Sam shared a smile seeing them getting along so well. Dean was so excited to finally meet his uncle whom he was named after and Dean was acting like a child. Smiling widely and playing like he had just made a new friend. They had a special connection already. But maybe that connection was there since the moment you decided to name your child after Dean... You and Sam shared another smile. You let Dean play with his uncle as Cas continued working on the map. Sam called Jody and you started packing for both your children because you had to leave soon. Sam joined you upstairs a few minutes later and he headed to Charlie’s room to check on her. You went back downstairs to get Dean and help him get dressed. He was still on the floor playing with uncle Dean. He was showing him something under one of the cars and your baby was looking at him amazed. Dean chuckled brushing his chest. They were both smiling widely. You moved close to them and spoke to your baby.

“ Dean...you need to get dressed... Dad and I need to go out of town for a few days so you and Charlie will stay with Jody for a few days...” You said in a warm and caring voice.

“ Ok, Mom...” Dean said and stood up and after a offering a huge smile to Dean he went upstairs. Dean stood up too. He was watching your baby go smiling widely too. A childish smile you had rarely seen on his face. Then he turned to you still smiling.

“ He’s...He’s a great kid...” He told you offering you a warm smile.

“ Yeah....Yeah, he is...” You said feeling so proud of your child that you loved so much. You smiled widely at Dean. But he had brought his hand to his chest again and he was brushing it with an expression of mild pain. “ Dean, Are you alright?” You asked worried realising that this wasn’t the first time he brushed his chest during the last few hours.

“ Yeah...I’m fine...” He told you casually. “ It’s just a bruise...” He explained to you.

“ Are you sure?” You asked wanting to make sure that he was fine because knowing Dean even if it was more than just a bruise he wouldn’t tell you until he couldn’t hide it anymore.

“ Yeah...” He reassured you. “ Cas will heal it...” He said again. You nodded and you headed upstairs. You entered Dean’s room and you found him trying to pick his clothes. You helped him pick and get dressed and a few minutes later Sam walked in too. He told you that he changed Charlie’s daiper and then he helped Dean put his shoes on. Then you kneeled down with Sam and fixed Dean’s shirt.

“ Mom, Dad...” Dean said to you. “ I don’t want you to go...” He complaint. He just wanted to spend some time with Mom and Dad. You and Sam shared a smile. Sam pulled him in for a hug and Dean put his little arms around his Dad’s neck. Sam put a loving kiss on his head.

“ We’ll be back before you know it, Buddy...” He told Dean with a smile.

“ Ok...” Dean said still drowning a little and you moved close to him and brushed his little head. Sam removed one arm and pulled you in his arms too so that you were both holding your baby tight in your arms. Dean pulled back a little. “ Mom, Dad...I love you very much...” He said.

“ We love you too, Buddy...” Sam said in a warm voice.

“ So much...” You said too and you both pulled your baby a little closer. After a few moments Dean pulled back and asked you and Sam if he could play with Uncle Dean until it was time to go. You told him he could and he left the room after giving you another hug. When he left the room you and Sam stood up and looked at each other. Seeing the agony in each other’s eyes.

“ I’ll go get Charlie...” Sam told you in a warm but full of worry voice. You went downstairs and you saw Dean still playing with Dean. You smiled and turned around to see Sam bringing Charlie. She had her little arms around her Dad’s neck. Sam kissed her head and passed her to you.

“ Hello, baby girl...” You said. Charlie yawned and got comfortbale in your arms. Sam told Dean that it was time to go and they both stood up again. Dean said goodbye to uncle Dean and you saw a childish smile form on Dean’s face again. Then he said good bye to Cas and headed to the door waiting for you and Sam. Sam said goodbye to Cas and got Dean’s bag. He then hugged his brother goodbye. You wished goodbye to both Dean and Cas and you took Charlie’s bag in your arms. You both told Cas and Dean to keep you posted and inform you for anything unusual till you come back. You walked outside and headed to the car. You secured Dean and Charlie on their seats and entered the car too. You drove to Jody’s as fast as you could. On your way there you called Mrs Feegs and told her that you’d have to go for a few days and then you called Dean’s school and told them he wouldn’t be going to school for a few days. Meanwhile Sam called the sheriff and told him to call Dean and that he would explain everything. You thought that the more hunters you had to help you the sooner you’d find the witches. When you arrived at Jody’s Dean was very tired because he got up really early and he didn’t sleep on your way there. So he went straight to get some more sleep. Charlie was babbling a lot but her eyelids were heavy and you knew that she would fall asleep soon too. You took advantage of this time and explained to Jody everything that happened in detail. Then you took the next couple of hours and helped her ward her house with the knew symbols too to make sure that witches couldn’t get there or find them. When it was time for you to go Dean was up again and he hugged you goodbye. You and Sam kissed his hair and told him how much you loved him. You did the same with Charlie who started crying when it was time for you to leave. Sam held her a little longer rocking her in his arms as you were brushing her back to soothe her. When she stopped crying you put her back in her rocking chair. You planted another kiss on her little head and you walked outside after Jody promised to call you if anything seemed out of the ordinary and you promised to Dean to call him every single day at least once. You drove back as fast as you could and you were home by lunch. Dean and Cas told you that they went to check the place were the witches were holding Cas but it was like it vanished. Like nothing was ever there. You agreed to go again tonight and search again and even use some revealing spells in case the place was hidden. And till that time you tried to find anything that could help you find them. And you were also searching for spells that could help you find anything where they were keeping Cas. You spend hours just searching. You found a few spells that could help you with ingredients that were easy to find but you still had a lot of time till nightfall so you continued searching for something to get their location. You had a really strong headache and eventually you had to take a break. Dean and Cas left to bring food.You lied on the couch and closed your eyes trying to clear your head and calm down. You couldn’t focus anymore but you felt that every second you were wasting was putting Dean and Charlie in even more danger. You started taking deep breaths to relax but it didn’t seem to work. You doubted anything would work. And as your eyes started getting wet you felt someone sitting next to you and you felt Sam’s arms brushing your side gently trying to soothe you. You opened your eyes and looked at him.

“ How are you holding up?” He asked you in a gruff worried but warm voice. You run your hand on his and your thumb started running circles close to his wrist.

“ How are **you** holding up?” You asked Sam in response knowing that he was trying to comfort you but he was feeling the same agony you were feeling. Your voice was gentle and warm. Sam chuckled breathlessly without looking at you.

“ I’m scared...” He told you lowering his head briefly. His voice sounded even more gruff and worried. He turned to look at you and you shared a look feeling the exact same thing. So much loved combined with fear and agony. You nodded and let a tear leave your eye.

“ I know...” You said and lifted yourself up.” Me too...”You said and your voice broke as you rested your head on Sam’s shoulder and he wrapped his arms around you. You run your arms around his neck and run your fingers through his hair. You closed your eyes as you felt your heart beating painfully and tears running down your cheeks. Sam was holding you tight as his thumb was running circles on your back. You were brushing his hair. You heard him sniff and he pulled back and pressed his lips on your head in a firm but loving kiss. You pulled back and looked at him between tears. His eyes were wet too.

“ We’re not gonna let anything happen to Dean and Charlie...” He said in a determined tone. “ We’ll find them...” He said in a gruff voice to reassure you and himself.

“ And we’re gonna stop them...” You added in a determined tone too with a voice that trembled with agony.

“ Yeah...” Sam said gruffly. He nodded and took a deep breath. You burried yourself in his chest and he held you tight once more. You rested your hand on his neck running gentle circles with your thumb. You both closed your eyes comforting each other.

“ I love you...” You said in a low voice that broke with emotion.

“ I love you too...” He said in a low voice too and pulled you a little closer. You pulled back a little and you shared a loving kiss. When you both pulled back Sam checked his watch. You still had a couple of hours. You both took your laptops in your hands again and started searching for something. A few mnutes later Cas and Dean came back. You barely touched your food. You ate eventually because Sam insisted you needed energy if tonight would come into a fight. So you forced yourself to eat. A few minutes later Dean called and told you he was having a great time with Jody. That made both you and Sam feel at least a little better. Before speaking with you and Sam he asked if Dean and Cas were still with you so he could talk to them and that put a smile on Dean’s and Cas’ face too. After he told you that he loved you he hung up and by then it was time for you to get ready and head to where Dean and Cas went in the morning. You got dressed, you took your guns and you all headed to the car. You also alerted the sheriff and told him that if you didn’t communicate with him in a couple of hours something must have gone wrong and that you’d need back up. The sheriff was very reassuring that he’d be there with Matt if you needed him. He wanted to join you but you wanted someone you trusted to stay behind in case there was a problem. So you all entered the car and you let Dean drive again and you were there in a little more than half an hour. The place was mostly in the woods. There was a gus station about two miles from there and some houses in the distance. You parked the car and loaded your guns. Sam got the bag with the ingredients for the spells and you all followed Cas to the point where he showed you. You performed a simple revelation spell. Nothing happened. It either didn’t work or there really was nothing there anymore. But how was that even possible? You decided to use another spell. You have found about four of them that could work and you could use with the ingredients you had. You performed the spells one by one while Sam, Dean and Cas were waiting with their guns raised to shoot at anything that moved. Nothing worked. You started feeling frustrated and confused as Cas insisted that the place was right there. Your mind was working fast as you were trying to find something else you could do. In the end you decided to give up. You’d give it one more try using the petals of flowers around the place in case the spell needed to be linked with the enviroment. And to your surprise that actually worked. A whole building appeared in front of you. Cas recognised it and Sam walked inside with Dean to see if they could find something. Sam insisted on you and Cas staying outside in case that was a trap. In about half an hour they came back disappointed announcing they found nothing. If there were any clues they were wiped clean. Your heart left a painful beat and you felt it sink inside. You and Sam shared a look as you were both feeling hopeless. It seemed like you had no way of tracking them down. And you only had about a week! You returned to the car and you just sat on the hood of the car burrying your face in your hand trying to control your tears.

“ There must be something...” Sam insisted. “ We should check again...Maybe we missed something...” He started saying but Dean interrupted him.

“ Sam...I doubt we’ll find anything there...” He argued. “ You saw it...The place was like it had never been used...” He said. Sam run his hands through his face trying to think of something...Anything that could help you. You turned to Cas.

“ Cas...Think again...Have you heard anything...Anything at all that could indicate where they are?” You asked and your voice cracked as you were looking at Cas like if he was your last hope.

“ Nothing...” He answered in a gruff serious voice. You and Sam looked at each other desperate and scared. “ I’m sorry...” Cas added lowering his head. You opened your mouth to say something but before you could you heard Dean screaming in pain. You all turned to look at him in panic. He had fallen on the ground holding his chest! His mouth wide open and his eyes shutt in an expression of terrible pain!

“ Dean!” Sam yelled as you were all getting close to him. Dean growled and made an attempt to get up as Sam put his hands around his brother to support him but he screamed once more and pressed his hand harder on his chest! You turned to ask Cas to do something but before you could.

“ (Y/N)!” He yelled gruffly and you saw he was looking somewhere in the woods as two figures were approaching. You all looked panicked at their direction. “ It’s them!” Cas told you as you were already pointing your gun at them. Sam helped Dean who was still in pain hold on to the car as fast as he could and pointed his gun at the figures too! The woman in the red dress looked straight into your eyes and started raising her hands with a grim look on her face!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on July 31... :-)


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More and more trouble...but also unexpected help...

“Don’t you dare make another move!” You yelled in a deep threatening voice as you and Sam were pointing your guns at her. They both seemed to froze and you moved close to her with fast moves looking straight into her eyes. Sam moved fast too close to the other witch. The fact that they hadn’t attacked you yet was more than suspicious. Sure you were pointing your guns at them but they still had plenty of time to attack you before you even saw them coming. And the fact that they didn’t try made you all think that they were a distraction. Your every sense was hightened waiting for anything unsusual but the only thing you got was Dean’s breathing return to normal as he was coming back from whatever happened to him.

“ Cas!” Sam said in a gruff voice as he was getting close to the witch. Cas was thinking the same thing. He nodded and run to check if there was anyone else around. This had to be a trap. There is no other explanation. Once you got to her in a matter of seconds your instinct was to pull the trigger. But you all knew that it was better to capture them. Because if this was a trap you needed to have an advantage over them. Although you doubted it would work according to what Cas and Dean told you about their leader. But even if it wasn’t a trap you needed information. And they probably could give you anything you needed to take them down.

“ Hands behind your back...” You said in a low threatening voice to both of them. She was looking straight into your eyes. The same grim expression on her face. She slowly put her hands behind your back as Dean appeared from your side carrying two pairs of handcuffs. “ Dean!” You said as both you and Sam looked at him surprised and worried. You still didn’t know what happened back there and you didn’t think Dean would be in a position to fight or do anything else but to your surprise he walked fast to the witch with the red dress with a pissed off look on his face and grabbed her hands to handcuff them without responding to you.

“ Hey...” He said turning to look at Sam who was holding the other witch’s hands. Sam nodded understanding what his brother wanted and raised one hand and catched the second pair of handcuffs midair. They both handcuffed the witches. The one in the red dress didn’t risist at all. The other one growled as Sam was taking her to the car and yelled.

“ I told you this was a bad idea!...They will kill us!” She said bluntly clearly talking to the witch in the red dress. She didn’t respond. She just let Dean lead her to the car.

“ You try anything...you can be sure of that...” Sam answered her in a calm gruff voice. You followed them back to the car holding tight to your gun ready to shoot. Your eyes were scanning the place as you started worrying about Cas. He should be back by now. But before you told Sam and Dean that you were going to find him he appeared at the ed.ge of the woods.

“ There is no one else here...” He announced as he was getting close to you. You lowered your gun for the first time as Sam and Dean put the witches inside the car. “ Dean, are you alright?” Cas asked in a caring voice once he got close.

“ Yeah...I’m fine...” He answered casually with a big fake smile.

“ What the hell happened?!” Sam asked Dean before he could finish his sentence. His voice gruff and his tone confused and worried as hell. Dean looked at him not knowing what to tell him.

“Well...It certainly wasn’t a bruise and Cas definitely didn’t heal it...” You said looking straight into Dean’s eyes. Sam and Cas looked at you a little confused but Dean understood you were calling him out for lying to you. He looked at you for a few moments and then lowered his head for a brief moment to avoid your eyes. Sam gained an idea of what was going on here while Cas was looking at all of you with a confused expression on his face. But you all understood that Dean had no idea what was going on. You exhaled deeply, troubled and worried and spoke again. “ Now is not the time...” You said calmly. “ We need to get some place safe...” You looked at Sam who looked back at you nodding. “Sam, you’re driving... Dean you ride shotgun...” You said. Dean didn’t like it but he knew you couldn’t risk anything like that happen to him while driving. “Cas and I will ride in the back seat...keep an eye on them...” You said throwing a threatening look to the witches in the car. The woman in the red dress ignored you. The other one was just looking angrily to all of you. Cas nodded and you all went to get to the car. Sam brushed your hand briefly before getting to the door. You shared a small smile and you both opened the door to get in. Dean was already in and Cas opened the door and sat next to the witch with the red dress. Sam started driving but you weren’t sure where you should go. You thought about going back home but that would be the first place they’d look. Then you thought of going to the bunker but they had the key. And you couldn’t be completely sure they didn’t know the location until you could fully interogate the witches you caught. You decided to head to a random motel when Sam called the sheriff and he told you about and abandoned place he used for interogations. He said it wasn’t much but it would suit you for the night. He agreed to meet you there with Matt and Sam hung up. The rest of the ride was very quiet. You were surprised that the witches didn’t even try to break free or even annoy you. You had this feeling that they wanted to be there and you didn’t like it. Why on earth would they want to be captured? Was this another kind of trap you haven’t thought about? You arrived there and you recognised the place instantly since the sheriff was waiting for you at the door. A small light was coming from inside where you assumed Matt was. There were no other houses nearby. You could see a few in the distance. You were even further from home than before. Sam and Dean got out of the car and headed to the house to help the sheriff ward the place thoroughly before you’d bring the witches in. So you and Cas stayed in the car to make sure that they didn’t do anything stupid. You moved to the driver’s seat in case you needed to drive away from there fast. You were all sitting quietly. The woman in the red dress was so calm she could almost fall asleep. The other one was calm too looking at Cas every now and then. He was looking back at her confused. Eventually he turned to you knowing you’ve noticed it.

“ Is this some kind of spell?” He asked you in his gruff voice.

“I don’t think so...” You answered with a weak but genuine chuckle. The one in the red dress rolled her eyes and the other one looked mockingly at you. For a few moments you felt a warmth inside that you haven’t felt since you woke up from the spell. And then it faded away as your worry for your children hit you again. Combined with your worry for Sam, Cas and of course Dean with whom you had no idea what was going on. You had a feeling though the witches did. After a few minutes Dean signaled you to bring them inside. So you and Cas got out of the car and got the witches out too carefully leading them to the house. Once you got there Sam took the one with the red dress from you to lead her inside and Dean helped Cas get the other one inside. When you walked in after Sam you were greeted by the sheriff who turned to look at you with a huge smile and Matt who waved at you all while cleaning the table. It seemed wierd to you to see the sheriff smile at you or rather smile in general. In casual clothes and not in his usual suit.

“ (Y/N)...” He said your name greeting you and even that sounded off. You were used to him calling you Mrs Winchester. But now he was greeting you as an old friend and not as Sam’s wife. It was the first time you saw him and Matt after you found out they were hunters and you felt like you were truly seeing them for the first time. You smiled back at him and waved back at Matt. Sam and Dean headed downstairs where the basement was. They joined you again in a few moments.

“ Alright...They are all set...” Dean announced in a serious tone. Sam nodded agreeing.

“ So how do we do this?” He asked in a sightly gruff voice but calm. The sheriff and Matt offered to stay to guard while the rest of you would interogate the witches. Sam suggested you interogate them seperately. You weren’t sure if anything would come out of it. They seemed to want to be here and if that was the case they had planned exactly what they’d tell you. But Sam insisted that they might slip in the details and you agreed. And if they don’t talk...

“ We pursuade them...” Dean said in a gruff voice. You decided to start with the one in the red dress. She seemed to be in more control of the situation. So you all went downstairs where both of them were handcuffed in a chair each. Sam untied the other witch and took her upstairs. You were all waiting silently for him to come back. The witch in the red dress didn’t seem worried at all. A few minutes later Sam came back.

“ Matt will keep an eye on her...” He announced you and stood next to you. Cas leaned on the wall watching the rest of you. You were looking straight into her eyes. She was ignoring you. Dean was stroking the knife.

“ Ok...” You said determined without taking your eyes away from her. “ We ask...you answer...or...” You said but she interrupted you.

“ Or?” She asked suprisingly calm obviously knowing exactly what “or” meant.

“ Or this gets ugly...” Sam answered calmly looking straight at her too.

“ There is no reason for this to get ugly...” She told you calmly too. “ I’ll tell you everything you need to know...” You all looked at each other not really expecting that but it sounded the same to all of you. It sounded like a trap.

“ Why would you do that?” Sam asked calmly. But it was obvious he didn’t trust her but you all wanted to see where she was going and what you could get out of it.

“ Because Cara killed innocent people...” She said in the same tone. “ And sure as hunters you have a lot to pay for but your children have nothing to do with this...” She said calmly. You and Sam shared a confused and surprised look. You still didn’t trust her. “So...I’m gonna help you stop her...and the rest of them...” She added. Dean and Cas shared a look. Just like you it was hard for them to believe her. Dean turned and looked at her.

“ Why should we trust you?” He asked in a gruff voice.

“ You can’t...” She replied in the same calm tone. “ But right now I’m the only chance you’ve got...” She said and her eyes travelled from Dean to You to Sam and to Cas and then back at you. “There is no way you can find them or fight them without my help...” She added looking straight into your eyes. “ You need me...” She said in the same calm voice. “ But I need you too...” She said to all of you. “ Because the moment my mother finds out I helped you...I’m as dead to her as you are...” She said. “ She will find me and she will kill me...And the only chance I have to survive is to help you...” She paused as you all looked at each other again not really sure if this was really a trap or a well- acted performance. You looked back at her.

“ So does she know you and your companion are gone?” You asked not really believing her story but mostly waiting to hear her answer.

“ No...” She answered calmly. “ She thinks we are trying to track you down...Lana and I...” You assumed Lana was the other witch. “...Thought that you’d check where we kept the angel...The plan was to surrender and give you the information you need...” She cocncluded.

“ What makes you think we won’t kill you afterwards...” Dean asked trying to understand their thinking.

“ Because you’ll need all the help you can get...” She said. You weren’t that convinced. “ And you’ll need my help for every step of the way...” She concluded. It sounded too good to be true. You needed to talk to the other one and then discuss it with each other. But before you could say anything Sam’s phone rang. You turned to look at him as your heart skipped a beat. He looked at the screen and then at you with his eyes wide open in panic. Jody! Jody was calling in the middle of the night! He didn’t say her name so that the witch wouldn’t hear it but you understood who it was and so did Cas and Dean. Sam turned around and rushed upstairs to answer the phone! You followed him in short distance. You walked outside fast so that Lana wouldn’t hear what you were saying and Sam answered the phone putting it on speaker.

“Jody!” He said in a breathless worried voice. You could feel your heart beating like a drum. Spreading to your whole body. If anything happened...If anything...You felt your knees weak and then...

“ Everything’s fine...” Jody’s first words to calm you and Sam down. You gasped and then you exhaled so deeply with relief as your heartbeat slowly started to return to normal. Sam leaned with his back on the wall and let his head touch the wall too for a brief moment exhaling deeply with his eyes closed. When he opened them again you shared a relieved smile. You moved closer to him to hear what Jody had to say. “ Dean just had a nightmare...” She said in a calm voice. “ And he wanted to talk to you...” She cocncluded. You heard Jody giving the phone to Dean.

“ Dad...” He said in a sleepy voice.

“ Hey, Buddy...” Sam said too trying to sound calm.

“ Dad...I had a bad dream...And I can’t sleep...” He whined in the same sleepy voice.

“ What did you see, baby?” You asked trying to keep your voice calm too.

“Mom...” Dean said and you heard the smile in his voice. He wanted to call his Dad and he was happily surprised you were awake too. He paused for a moment and then he continued whining again. “ Mom,Dad...I saw...” He started saying and he narrated you a dream full of running around in a forest and then something about talking dark clouds that threatened to blast him with lightning. It was a silly dream but it got him so damn scared.

“ Buddy...” Sam started saying in a calm soothing voice when Dean finished his narration. “ It was just a a bad dream...”

“Nothing will come to you, baby...” You said in a soothing voice too.

“ How do you know?” He asked you still scared from his dream.

“ We won’t let anything happen to you and Charlie...ever...” Sam said in a determined and reassuring tone.

“ Eveything we’ll be alright, baby...” You said too in a soothing voice. And inside you felt your heart break because you weren’t sure if that would be the case. But you would make it the case!!! “ We promise!...” You added in a determined tone turning to look at Sam and he looked back at you worried and determined like you.

“ Ok...” Dean said with a yawn. “ Mom, Dad...I love you...” He added clearly feeling more relaxed.

“We love you too, Buddy...” Sam answered with a smile.

“ Very much...” You added smiling too.

“ Goodninght...” Dean said and once again you could hear the smile in his voice. You and Sam wished him goodnight too. Jody took back the phone and reassured you that Charlie was fine too. She had woken up once during the night so far. She asked you how things were going but you had so much to tell her and at the same time you didn’t know what to tell her so you told her you probably had a lead and that you’d call her in the morning for more details. You wished her goodnight and she hung up the phone. You took a deep breath closing your eyes. You opened them again hearing Sam taking a deep breath next to you too. You leaned on him and he opened his arms so you could rest on his chest. He held you tight and you brushed his back closing your eyes again for a few moments.

“ We should go back...” Sam said in a gruff but warm voice when you pulled back.

“ Yeah...” You said in a low voice nodding.You opened the door and walked back in. The sheriff and Matt were looking at you worried. They understood that everything was fine when they looked at your faces. Again they didn’t want to say anything in front of Lana. You headed back to the basement. When you walked in they all turned to look at you. Dean and Cas worried and the witch calm.

“ Everything alright?” Dean asked when he saw you.

“ Yeah...” Sam said calmly.

“ Everything’s fine...” You added. “ Anything new here?” You asked looking at the witch again.

“ Her name is Sia and Cara was her sister...” Cas said.

“ We already knew that...” Dean commented realising they knew that because they were awake when they invaded your home.

“ Like I said...I’ll tell you everything...” Sia repeated in a calm tone.

“ Start talking then...” Sam said.

“ Vey well...” She said looking at you. “ I can tell you where you’ll find them and how to get in...I need a map and someone who knows about spellbooks so I can show you the counter spells...” Sam, Dean and Cas looked at you.

“ That can be arranged...” You answered. “What else...” She opened her mouth again.

“My phone will ring at exactly four o’clock in the morning...Mother will be expecting news...I suggest you let me get it so that I can tell her I haven’t found you yet...”She said still calm. Dean chuckled sarcastically expressing what you all thought. How did you know that she wouldn’t track the call? How could you be sure she’d lie?How could you be sure she wouldn’t use code to lead her to your location?Or tell her she is captured? What if that phone call was actually the plan from the beginning? She understood what you were thinking about and she spoke again. “If you don’t let me answer the call she’ll understand that something is wrong and she can find me with a simple tracking spell...If I’m not wrong...” She said trying to figure out what time it was. “ You still have at least half an hour...” You rolled your eyes thinking how crazy this was. If you answered the phone there was a good chance she would be giving you away but if you didn’t answer then you were definitely screwed. But...

“ She’s telling the truth...” You heard Cas’ calm voice from behind you. You all turned to look at him. You looked back at her. You hoped Cas was right. But you still needed to talk about this. And you needed to talk to Lana first.

“ Anything else?” Sam asked.

“ As a matter of fact...” She said and turned to look at Dean. Dean looked at her confused. She opened her mouth and...

“ You’re dieing...” She said casually.

“ What?!?!” You all asked looking at her confused and surprised. And then you looked at Dean. You started to see where this was going. It definitely wasn’t just a bruise!

“ The pain in your chest...” She started explaining.

“ Yeah..What?”Dean asked looking at her angrily waiting for an answer. Although he knew too where this was going.

“ You’re out of time...” She said again. You were all just listening not sure what to believe. “ Mother is not stupid...Who would want a Winchester back from the dead permanently... She wanted to use you and enjoy killing you herself but she is not stupid... If her plan didn’t work she didn’t want you walking around...So she made a deal for you to come back for two months and two months only... The pain in your chest is a sign that you’re getting close to your death...Again...You only have about a week or two left...and it’s affecting you...” She paused. “ You’re out of time...” She said again like if she was saying the most natural thing in the world. You were all looking at each other confused. Sam and Dean glanced at each other briefly.

“ Wait a second...” Sam started saying and Dean finished his sentence.

“ What happened to the hell hounds...?” He asked believing that you finally heard something that didn’t add up. But she looked at him very calm and continued.

“ It wasn’t a demon deal... She hates demons...and their deals...” She started clarifying. “ She made a deal with a reaper...She promised to break him out of jail and he’d bring you back for exactly two months...” She concluded. You and Sam looked at each other and then at Cas and Dean. If what she was saying was true you all new who the reaper was. And that explains the escape in heaven. You felt a chill in the air. You still had questions but a deal with a reaper that hated your guts didn’t sound impossible.

“ Ok...” You started working with what she said. “ Even if that’s the case...What’s with the chest pain...?” You asked puzzled.

“Usually when someone makes a deal to bring someone back they mean permanently... You know that better than anyone...” She said calmly. “ Mother was very specific for you to be back for two months and two months only...I’m not sure how it works in this case...Maybe they’re going for a heart attack...” She guessed.

“ Or it might be completely irrelevant...”You said again. She chuckled.

“ I highly doubted...” She said leaving you feeling like someone just punched you. There was a chance that the chest pain was irrelevant but either way if she was telling the truth...One thing was certain...Dean was dieing...Again...Sam was looking at him with his eyes wide open not sure what to believe but feeling he was losing his brother again. Cas was looking at Dean worried and shocked. And you were looking at him with your jaw dropped and worried as you saw no real panic or fear on his face. Maybe because he didn’t believe her.

“That’s enough for now...” Dean said in a gruff voice. He looked at you briefly and turned around to head upstairs. The rest of you followed closing the door behind. When you went upstairs you asked the sheriff to keep an eye on her as you all walked outside so that Lana wouldn’t hear what you had to say. One of you would fill Matt and the sheriff up on what happened later. As you walked by Lana winked at Cas but that was the last thing he or any of you cared about.

“ She is telling the truth...” Cas said in his gruff voice once you walked out. He sounded calm but you could see in his face that he was upset. “ About everything...” Cas added and looked at Dean.

“I figured...” He said looking back at him. His voice was gruff and maybe sad but he didn’t sound upset and that made you worry even more. Sam run his hand through his face trying to think rationally.

“ We’ll work it out...” He said finally and looked at Dean.

“ You heard her, Sam...” He answered. “ If we could do anything I’m pretty sure we couldn’t do it in two weeks...” He said and you felt your heart sink because you knew he was right. You looked at him and you felt like you were going back eight years ago and once again you were watching him die and you couldn’t do a damn thing! But Sam’s gruff and upset voice brought you back.

“ Exactly!” He said. “ We’ve got two weeks!...We’ll figure it out! We always do!” He said talking to Dean with a determined tone. You could see how worried he was in his eyes. He went back eight years too. And he was losing his brother once more. Dean took a few moments looking at Sam. Then he smiled melancholically.

“ OK...” He told him smiling a little more. Sam swallowed hard and nodded. Dean was very calm. He seemed content with dieing...again...You knew that if it came to choosing between Sam’s life or your life and his he would choose you and Sam without a second thought. And the news only made this choise easier. You took a deep breath and wished he wouldn’t do anything stupid. “ But first we have to deal with those bitches...We deal with them and then we deal with everything else...” He said getting his head back in the game. “ First of all...What do we do with the phone?” He asked and looked at all of you. You all didn’t like this sudden change of subject but you decided to go along with it for now. Because he was right. Sam brought his head back in the game too. He didn’t forget about his brother. He wouldn’t. But he knew too that you had to deal with the witches first and then you’d do anything in your power to keep Dean alive!

“ Well...” You said and looked at Cas. He nodded and spoke.

“ She was telling the truth...We need to let her answer the phone...” He said gruffly.

“ Ok...” Sam said and checked his watch. “ It’s almost four...”

“ Let’s get on with it...” You said.

“ We should get ready to go if anything goes wrong...” Sam added. You nodded.

“ Cas and I will head to the car and make sure we’re ready to leave just in case...” You said.

“ We should tell the sheriff to get to his car too...” Dean said and walked back inside with Sam. You and Cas headed to the car and took your seats. Moments later you saw the sheriff walking outside too and heading to his car waving at you. You waved back and then sat comfortably again. Both you and Cas were lost in your thoughts. Travelling to your babies with Jody.

“ Once Dean and Charlie are safe...” Cas broke the silence. “ I’ll go to heaven and find out as much as I can...” He said. He didn’t have to explain. You both knew what he was talking about. He would be trying to find a way to save his best friend.

“ I know, Cas...” You said with a smile but your throat close. You were doing everything in your power not to explode. You were worried sick about your children and now...now Dean was dieing again. And you may have been through this many times in the past but it only seemed to get more painful. And Sam...You knew how hard this was for him too. He was worried as hell for your children and now...Now he was losing his brother again. As for Cas... He barely even got to speak to Dean before everything that happened. He was losing his best friend again before he even got him back. But you wouldn’t let go. You would find a way to save him... You saw Cas’ blue eyes take a sad expression. You reached for his hand and you squeezed it gently smiling as your eyes got wet. He smiled gently back to you.

“ (Y/N)...We’ll save them...” He said in a soothing voice reffering to your children. “ And Dean...” He added in the same gentle tone.

“ Yeah...” You said breathlessly. “ Yeah, we will...” You smiled. You spend the rest of the time in silence. In a few minutes Sam called you and told you that everything was fine. Everything went well. You signaled the sheriff and you all turned back. Sam and Dean interrogated Lana too while the rest of you were standing nearby. She told you what Sia told you just like you expected by now. She insisted on Cas inetrrogating her which made Dean chuckly and Cas feel threatened. After they were done the sun had already started rising. You were all exhausted. Dean insisted you should get some sleep because you had to make a plan to take down the witches and you needed to do it with a clear head. You decided to take about two hours of sleep taking turns to watch Sia and Lana with Cas. You brought Sia upstairs from the basement. You still had her tied up. Sure she seemed to want to work with you but that didn’t change the fact she hated your guts and you didn’t trust her enough to set her free. Dean took the first shift with Cas as you,Sam and Matt went to get some sleep. The sheriff left because he had to return to his wife. He assured you he’d be back in the afternoon. Matt decided to sleep on the car while you and Sam took the small couch in the other room. You managed to lie down together. You run your arms around Sam’s torso and he wrapped his arms around you. He rested his head on yours as you burried your head in his neck. He pressed his lips on the top of your head in a loving kiss and you both closed your eyes trying to get some rest. Exhaustion got you and you managed to fall asleep. But you were haunted by terrible dreams...Mostly your children dead and Sam...And Dean...and everyone you’ve ever known...And then your children again. You woke up soaked in sweat. It took you a few moments to realise where you were. And when you did relief started spreading in all your trembling body. You reminded yourself again and again that it was just a dream. You pulled back from Sam’s arms and sat next to him.Your body felt sore. Your sides ached and your eyes were burning with exhaustion. But you couldn’t sleep and you didn’t want to. Sam was still asleep. You saw his shirt was slightly wet. You’ve been crying in your sleep. You reached with your still slightly trembling hand to brush his hair but once you touched him his eyes opened wide in terror.You weren’t the only one that had nightmares. You saw his features relax when he realised it was you. He pressed his palms on his eyes brushing them.

“ I’m sorry...” He said and his voice was gruff from sleep but warm.Apologising for scaring you.

“ Nightmare?” You asked and your voice sounded gruff too. You reached with your hand and brushed his chest slowly in a soothing way.

“ Yeah...” He said taking his hands from his eyes looking at you but not actually seeing you. His mind was still gone in the nightmare he had. Most likely something like what you were seeing. Losing your children. His brother gone again. You were both trying to keep it together but it was hard...

“ You’re not the only one...” You said in a soothing voice. He sat on the couch too and run his arm around you kissing the top of your head tenderly to calm you. You resisted the urge to cry because you knew that if you’d start you wouldn’t stop. You reached for his hand and run your fingers between his and he closed his fist gently holding your fingers in. Your phone started ringing. You knew that this was probably Jody because Dean must have woken up eager to talk to you. You reached for your phone with a smile and picked it up. You and Sam spend the next ten minutes talking to your baby. You saw a huge smile form on Sam’s lips just like it was formed on yours. Talking with Dean, telling him that you loved him and Charlie once more, and hearing from Jody that Charlie was fine ( after hearing her in the backround babbling) made both you and Sam feel better. Once you hung up you shared a long and loving kiss to remind each other how much you loved each other and to reassure one another that you’d make it. You both pulled back smiling with so much love in your eyes... You got up and got ready to go outside again. You knew you still had about half an hour of sleep but neither of you could get anymore sleep. So you walked outside and Dean went to sleep too saying he was exhausted. Sia and Lana were also sleeping. You and Sam took the car and drove to the nearest diner to bring back breakfast for all. When you came back Sia and Lana were awake. You untied them from the chairs so they could eat. You kept them handcuffed though. Lana smiled widely at Cas when he untied her. Cas smiled uncomfortably and pulled back. You and Sam had breakfast too keeping an eye on them but they both seemed very calm. They didn’t seem to have any intention of running away or backstabbing you. That wasn’t enough to trust them but it sure was a good start. Now you were just waiting for Dean to wake up and the sheriff to come back so you could start making a plan. The sheriff managed to come back before Dean woke up holding a bag with his clothes. He opened the door speaking on the phone.

“ Yes,honey...Probably tomorrow...Yes...”He said on the phone and he hung up. “ I told her I would help you with a case...” He said talking to Sam. “ Techinically I didn’t lie...” He chuckled. You and Sam chuckled weakly too. The sheriff moved to leave his bag on the table and eat something while Dean joined you again stretching. He had a cup of coffee and then it was time to get to the point. Sia told you were was the base and Dean brought a map of the area. He laid it on the table and then Sia approached to show you the exact location. Lana was next to her to add information if she had to and Sam and Dean were holding pens to make marks on the map. Sia showed you exactly were her mother and the rest of the witches were. Dean made a mark on the map. She told you that even if you wanted to approach you needed to take down the protective spells around the building with counter spells which she would show to you. But you had to do that as long as she and Lana would keep their leader aka her mother distracted. And after that you needed to go through the back door. Uusally that’s where the reaper hangs out and you needed to go through him.

“ I’ll deal with him...” Cas said in his gruff voice and the rest of you nodded. After you managed to go in you should proceed as carefully as possible. If their leader realises you’re in you’re doomed.

“ We’re talking about a place full of witches... Really powerful witches...Your only hope is to take down mother...or else...” Sia said still pointing with her finger on the map.

“ We all die...Got it...” Dean said in a gruff troubled voice. There was a silent moment. Non of you spoke. In a few seconds all of you realised that there was a good chance you wouldn’t make it out of there alive. At least not all of you would... You were about to walk into a place full of very powerful witches that used very powerful spells! Some of them you’ve never heard before...The silence was heavy but non of you hesitated to make a decision. You and Sam would die for your children anytime! Dean would die for his brother, you and your children anytime as well! Deal or no deal! And Cas would die for his family and friends without hesitation! But you were surprised by the sheriff’s and Matt’s reaction.

“ What are we waiting for?” The sheriff said with a smile breaking the heavy silence. Matt nodded smiling too. You and Sam looked at him surprised.

“ You don’t have to do this...” Sam said knowing that the sheriff and Matt would put their lives in danger for you and your children and that was more than what you could ever ask from them.

“ We’re hunters...That’s what we do...” Matt said smiling.

“ Hunter in training...” The sheriff corrected him pointing his finger at him.

“ Oh, come on!” Matt complained and the sheriff brushed his hair pushing his head down. They were both smiling. And you all smiled too. Because you all knew what you would give your life for... And it was so damn worth it...

You set the date. Sia said that the best time to act is in two days when many of the witches would be absent to collect new ingredients for spells. Some will probably be away for days so that was the perfect time to strike.You spend the rest of the day and most of the night practising the spells Sia showed you. You took on the most difficult one since witches were your specialty. And as she was showing you a detail about the effect of the spell she paused. She looked behind were the others were working with Lana on a map of the building. It was by memory so you weren’t sure how accurate it could be. But still it was better than nothing. Sia looked at the map again.

“ I know you and your husband will do anything to protect your children...” She said lowering her voice so only you could hear her and she turned to look at you. You looked back at her. “ I have a daughter...six years old...” She told you and her face brightened with a smile. “ If mother ever finds out about her existence...I don’t know what she’ll do to her...” She told you and you saw the same agony you and Sam were feeling for your babies in her eyes. “ And I don’t want her to corrupt her like she did with Cara...” She told you sniffing. “ What I’m trying to say is that...I’m fighting for my child too...If that could put your mind at ease and make you trust me a little more...” She told you and offered you a small smile. You smiled back.

“ It does...” You said and you were both silent for a few moments. You took a deep breath. “ We’ll make it...” You added trying to convince her and yourself and turned your head back at the ingredients.

“ Ok...One more time...” She said asking you to repeat the words for the spell. When you were done you all knew you needed to get some rest. So Cas stayed to keep an eye on Sia and Lana (though you weren’t sure if it was necessary anymore) while the rest of you split to get some rest. You and Sam barely slept. The next day you all wanted to spend it with the people you loved. You and Sam would go to Jody’s to spend the day with your children along with Dean and Cas. The sheriff would spend the day with his family and Matt and he proposed to take Sia and Lana with him to keep an eye on them. Lana insited on joining you eyeing Cas but Sia told her no rolling her eyes. The next morning the sheriff left first with Matt along with Sia and Lana. Then you all entered the car and left for Jody’s. You were all very quiet in the car. All of you lost in your thoughts,worries and agonies. But when you arrived at Jody’s a smile brightened your face. You called her in the morning and told her you’d spend the day there. So when you walked to the door and knocked you heard little footsteps running as fast as they could and a loud voice.

“ IT’S MOM AND DAD! It’s Mom and Dad...” You heard Dean’s voice so excited. You felt your lips form a huge smile and your eyes started watering. You saw Sam smiling widely too. His eyes wet as well. You shared a loving smile in the few moments it took Dean to open the door and jump into his dad’s arms. “ Daad!” He yelled and hugged him. Sam hugged him back and he kissed his head with a huge smile on his face. But before he could say anything Dean pulled back and run into your arms as Jody arrived at the door and made way so you could come in. “ Mooom!” He said putting his arms around your neck. You kissed his little head and held him tight.

“ Hello, Baby...” You said in a gentle voice. Dean pulled back smiling at you making way for you to come in. And then...

“ Uncle Cas!” He said excited and run to hug him too.

“ Hello, Dean!” Cas greeted him smiling gently when Dean pulled back.

“ Uncle Dean!” Dean yelled excited when he saw Dean. And at the sound of Dean’s name Jody turned and looked at Sam. Sam offered her a small smile confirming what she understood. She hadn’t seen Dean on the door yet. Dean kneeled down to greet your baby.

“ How are you, Kiddo?” He asked brushing his hair with a childish smile on his face.

“ I’m fine...” Dean answered smiling widely and walked inside waiting for Dean to come in as Jody was walking out. When she saw Dean for a few moments she was stunned. He smiled to her melancholically. She smiled back without saying a word and opened her arms. Dean chuckled and hugged her as she closed him in her arms. You smiled and moved to the kitchen to find Sam holding Charlie in his arms. Charlie was giggling loudly. He chuckled to you and passed her to you after kissing her head.

“ There you go, Baby girl...” He said as she was getting comfortable in your arms and he leaned to lift up Dean who followed you in the kitchen. He put him behind his neck as Dean was laughing loudly holding on to his hair as Sam was holding his legs to make sure he wouldn’t fall. “ How are you doing, Buddy?” He asked still smiling widely as you were kissing Charlie’s head and brushing her back with your eyes still wet. She kept on babbling as you turned to look at Dean again who was telling you and Sam about his day and every little thing that mattered in his life. While Cas was talking with Dean and Jody who was talking overjoyed to see Dean again. You heard her voice saying you were just in time for lunch. And they were all excited. Everyone smiling. Everyone talking and everyone laughing. Dean came in the kitchen with Jody as it was time for her to serve lunch. Sam let Dean down who wanted to run and play with Cas and you passed him Charlie so you could help Jody. Dean who hadn’t met Charlie officially yet moved close to Sam to take a better look at her.

“ Hi!” He said with a big smile. Charlie giggled loudly making Dean chuckle. And then Dean’s voice from the living room.

“ Mom,Dad,Uncle Dean...Will you come to play?” He asked and you could hear the smile in his voice.

“ Sure...” Dean said chukling and walked out of the kitchen.

“You go...” You told Sam with a smile. “ I’ll help Jody...and join you later...” And by that you meant also fill her in on what you were about to do.

“ Ok...” Sam answered. “ I’ll take Charlie too...” He said and leaned. You shared a loving kiss and you both pulled back smiling. He went to the living room with Charlie and you explained to Jody everything that you’d do in the day that would follow. You explained the plan and the dangers. She wanted to help but you told her that the best thing she could do now was take care of your babies. She promised she’d keep them safe no matter what and you reassured her that you already knew that. A few minutes later you all had lunch together. You also fed up Charlie as Sam was helping Dean with his steak. And you spend the rest of the day playing with Dean and Charlie enjoying every moment you had with them. When it was getting late Charlie fell asleep in Sam’s arms after he fed her and you interrupted your game with your baby, Cas and Dean to take her to bed. When you came back Dean exhausted from playing lied on your lap so you could brush his hair. A few minutes later he had lamost fallen asleep. Sam got up and brushed his hair too.

“ Come on, Buddy...Time for bed...” He said and lifted up Dean to take him to his bed. Dean murmured something in his sleep that sounded like “Goodnight, mom” as Sam was taking him to sleep. Cas was sitting oposite from you with Dean when Jody called him to talk to Claire on the phone in the kitchen.

“ Time to get some sleep...” Dean said to you stretching after Cas left and he started getting up but...

“ Dean...” Your voice made him stay. You looked at him straight in the eyes. He looked back at you and he inderstood you wanted to tell him something important. “ Don’t do anything stupid tomorrow, ok?” You said. You knew him and you knew how knowing that he could die in two weeks affected him. You would deal with it. You’d find a way! Neither you nor Sam wanted to lose him again. But knowing Dean he didn’t see it that way. “ We’ll figure something out...” You said. “So don’t you think for a second that you’re already dead because of the deal!..ok?”You said brusque. He looked at you for a few moments contemplating on your words. A small melancholic smile formed on his lips.

“ Ok...” He told you in a gruff serious voice and got up to go to bed. You weren’t sure he meant it but you were hoping he’d think about it before doing anything stupid. Moments later Sam joined you in the couch. Jody wished you goodnight and went to sleep and Cas was still on the phone with Claire. You and Sam got up and started picking up Dean’s toys from the floor. You were looking at them and all the painyou were feeling reflected on those toys.

“ Tomorrow might be the last time we see them...” You said as your eyes started getting wet and you stood up. Sam stood up too.

“ Or maybe the last time they see us...” He said in a gruff voice full of pain. And suddenly your pain became even worse when you realised that this could be the last time Dean and Charlie would see Mom and Dad. You felt your heart break into a million little pieces and you felt your knees couldn’t support you anymore. You sat on the couch as your eyes got blurry with tears. Your heart beating painfully. Sam sat next to you.

“ I want you to promise me one thing...” Sam said in his gruff voice. You turned to look at him. “ If things go south...” He said looking straight into your eyes. “ You run...” He said. And that meant leaving him and everyone else behind...

“ I...I can’t...” You started saying between tears. You couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him behind! You loved him so much! You couldn’t do that!

“ (Y/N)...I don’t want them to grow up like me and Dean...” He said in a gruff voice full of pain and agony. “ I don’t want them to grow up without their mom...” He explained and you saw his eyes getting wet. And more tears started running down your cheeks. “ And I can’t stand the thought of you... being gone...I can’t lose you...” He said to you and you saw tears running down his eyes. Your vision was blurry. You were blinking to clear it but more tears were coming. You reached for Sam’s hand and brushed it gently.

“ And I can’t stand the though of you being gone...either...” You said in a trembling voice and looked at him with tears still running down your eyes.” I can’t lose you, Sam...And I don’t want them to grow up without their Dad!” You said and you left a sob. He wrapped his arms around you protectively and held you tight. You wrapped your arms around his neck and brushed his hair. “ Even if I’m gone...You’re gonna be an amazing Dad, Sam...” You said in a trembling voice.

“ I love you...” He said and his voice broke again. “ I love you so much...”

“ I love you too...” You said as more tears were running down your cheeks. “ I can’t lose you, Sam...” You said in a broken voice.

“ Promise me you’ll run...” You heard Sam’s gruff voice again now. “Promise me that Dean and Charlie will have their mom...” He told you again. Your heart ached so much. How could you let him go!? How could you raise your children without him!? But he was right...More tears run down your cheeks as your heart left a painful beat...

“ I promise...” You said and your voice was a wisper. Because this was the most painful decision you and Sam have ever taken. But your children would always come first! You loved Sam! And he loved you too! So damn much! You were one! You couldn’t stand the thought of him dieing and he couldn’t stand the thought of you dieing...But if both of you couldn’t make it back...You would do everything in your powers to make sure your babies wouldn’t lose you both! Because you loved them so much! They were your world! And to take care of them Sam had to sacrifise himself and you had to let him go...And that was the hardest thing you and Sam would ever have to do! And you wished with all your heart and soul that it would never ever get to that!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter August 15... :-)


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The time has come...

You and Sam decided to spent the night with your children. You put a blanket down on the floor between Charlie’s crib and the bed Dean was sleeping in. Your mind was crowded and you could feel dry tears in your face. Sam was lost in his thoughts too. His face expressionless. He only smiled a little when he covered Charlie with her blanket. She had kicked it away during her sleep. You sat next to Dean and brushed his hair gently. He murmured something in his sleep with a light smile on his face. You felt a small smile form on your face too and it disappeared when Sam walked next to you and brushed Dean’s hair gently before lying down on the blanket leaving enough space for you to lie next to him. You got up and moved to Charlie and brushed her tiny foot and you felt that small smile on your face again which disappeared once more when you moved and lied next to Sam. Once you lied down you felt a sharp pain spread from your heart to your whole chest and you felt your eyes burning. You heard Sam taking a deep breath next to you and you struggled to control the tears. You lied on your side facing Sam and you moved closer to him just as he opened his arms to hold you. You put your arms around him too and it was getting almost impossible for you to keep the tears back. With your hand you traced his arm from the shoulder to his elbow as it was wrapped around you. Then you moved your own elbow inside his embrace and brushed his cheek and you felt you were choking. He was just lying there with his eyes closed and a troubled expression on his face. You wanted to scream to him that you couldn’t do it! That you couldn’t leave him behind! But you knew you should and the two reasons why were sleeping next to you both. But still knowing that you should wasn’t at all close to knowing you could. And every cell in your body was screaming now to hold him as close as possible and never let him go. Protesting that you couldn’t do it. And your heart was breaking. Sam everntually fell asleep. Not deep sleep but still he was resting. You lied on your back holding his hand. Brushing his fingers. Holding it as your throat was closing and you felt like choking. And the thought of never holding that hand again...You felt the first tear you couldn’t control run down your cheek to your ear as you were lying down. You didn’t mind much now. The people you didn’t want to see you were all asleep and in a matter of seconds another tear followed. You held Sam’s hand tighter btween yours. He squeezed yours lightly in his sleep and you closed your eyes trying to control the pain that was spreading in your chest. Two more tears run down your cheeks as your eyelids covered your eyes. When you opened them again you took a deep trembling breath. You couldn’t let him go...You couldn’t...what would you say to Dean and Charlie...What would you say to yourself...Your eyes flooded... You were crying now... Silently more and more tears were running down your cheeks to your ears and had made your hair wet. You closed your eyes once more and your mind conjured a scene in front of you. And you were crying like you were crying now. But you were home. In your bed. In yours and Sam’s bed. And the door opened and Dean walked in crying as well. He walked with his little feet to the bed and climbed next to you. You tried to hide your tears but you knew there was no point to it. He had already seen you and you couldn’t control them for long anyway...

“ Mom...” He said in a broken voice. “ I miss Dad...” He said again looking at you and his eyes looked at yours. His eye color, his dad’s eye color was brighter because of the tears that a second later run down his face. You just pulled him closer and he hid himself in your embrace. You held him tight brushing his hair trying to soothe him but your hand was trembling slightly.

“ Me too...” You said in a voice that broke as well. You felt your chest like it was going to explode with the pain and the next moment your eyes opened wide. You were lying down in the blanket again with your hands holding on to Sam’s hand tight. You turned to look at him to chase away the irrational fear that he wasn’t there.Tears fresh on your cheeks and your heartbeat spreading to your whole body fast as if you’ve been running. You saw his chest move in pace with every breath. You looked back at the ceiling again. For those few seconds you didn’t breathe and then you opened your mouth and started taking deep and fast breaths. You tried to rgulate them. As they started to slow down you felt them trembling too. You started shaking as more tears were running down your eyes. Thick teardrops one after another. Your hands were shaking and you let Sam’s hand go because you knew you couldn’t control your sobs for much longer and you didn’t want to wake any of them up and of course you didn’t want Dean to see you like this. You got up and walked to the door looking back once blinking to clear your vision to make sure that they were all fine. When you did you turned around and opened the door. You left it half open to keep an eye on them as you sat down outside again. You leaned on the wall and wondered if you could make it...If you could do anything really... If you could save your children...save yourself...Save Sam... Save Dean...And if you couldn’t save Sam...Could you keep your promise?... Would you be a good mom?... Could you hold Dean and Charlie up when you weren’t sure you could hold yourself?... You felt desperate...And you felt everything inside you screaming that you couldn’t lose him!...You loved him! You loved him! You loved him! So Damn Much...You started sobbing as silently as you possibly could. You were shaking violently letting it all out. The tears and the pain you were suppressing for days now. And at the same time keeping it all in trying your best to keep quiet. A few moments later you heard movement on the other side of the door. You wiped your tears as fast as you could and hoped the darkness would hide the rest. You heard slow footsteps heading towards the door and you realised that it wasn’t Dean. Sam opened the door slowly so that he wouldn’t make any noise and sat next to you.

“ Hey...” He said in a slightly gruff voice brushing your back gently. You didn’t try to hide from him. You knew he heard you. You felt your heart tighten in your chest as he moved closer to you waiting for you to hug him. You felt every cell on your body wanting to hold him as close as possible and scream to him. Scream to him at the top of your lungs that you couldn’t do it! But you didn’t. You didn’t move. You just let the thick teardrops run down your eyes.

“ What makes you think I can do it?” You asked in a gruff trembling voice. Low enough so that noone else could hear you. Sam looked at you a little surprised and confused with the question but you ignored him and went on. “ What makes you think I can live without you? That I can let you go?...” You said and your voice started trembling with what sounded like anger but it was dispair. “ I love you...” You said realising that those words were too little to describe what you felt for him but they were the only ones that came close. “ I love you so much!... So much...” You said and your voiced tailed down to a wisper and got drowned in the thick treardrops that left your eyes and blurred your vision.

“ (Y/N)...” Sam started saying moving closer to you to comfort you but you stopped him.

“ No...” You said and swallowed hard. “ No...Let me cry now...Because in two days if you’re gone...” You said unable to use the word dead. “ I’ll have to be calm and hold myself up and explain to Dean why the hell Dad won’t come home...” You said and your voice drowned in tears once more. You felt Sam tense next to you. You turned to look at him. He wasn’t looking at you.He looked guilty. And he was. He was feeling guilty for leaving you behind. For the pain he was causing you. The excrusiating pain he’d feel if he had to stay behind. Because he loved you! And you loved him! But he still believed that this was the right thing for your children. And you knew how hard it was for him too. To let you go. Knowing that he probably wouldn’t see you or your babies again. Death was never the end in this life. Dean proved this once more. But it would be too long before he’d see you again...if ever...

“ I just don’t want them to lose their mom...” He told you. His tone hid an apology inside and for a moment there he sounded like a kid. A kid that lost his mom and didn’t want any other kid to go throw that. He was seeing himself in Charlie. If you were gone now she wouldn’t even have any memories of you. Just like he didn’t have any memories of his mom. And he was seeing his brother in Dean...Who would only have vague memories of you always missing his mom... He spoke again before you could say anything. This time his voice gruff and serious. “ I know you will make it because we would do anything for them...I know you love them...As hard as it will be...” He added with a small smile to reassure you. “ I know that you will make it for them...” He said and you saw his eyes getting wet. He took a deep breath without looking at you. You moved close to him and hugged him bringing him as close as possible. His arms slowly wrapped around you brushing your back in a soothing way. You pulled back and brushed his hair.

“ I will...” You said trying to reassure him. “ But I can’t...I can’t...” You started saying. More tears in your eyes. But you didn’t know how to finish. You couldn’t lose him? Live without him? Think of him gone? Think that you’d never hold him again? All of it was true but you felt the pain in your chest getting unbearable and you closed your eyes with a sob and you said it all with four words. “ I love you, Sam...” You said and your voice broke with love and pain. And once again they weren’t enough to describe what you felt for him. You looked straight into his eyes hoping telling him without words all that even these four words couldn’t cover. He looked at you for only a moment and then pressed his lips firmly on yours in a loving kiss. And you felt painfull warmth spread from your chest to your whole body as you moved your lips against his. He pulled back.

“ I love you too...” He said and his eyes were wet and his voice gruff. “ All of you...” He said talking about your children. A tear left your eye again. “ But I’m not gone yet...” He said without using the word dead either. “ And I don’t plan to be unless I have no other choice...” He told you firmly. A small smile formed on your lips.

“ Promise...”You asked with a small smile already knowing the answer.

“ Yeah, I promise...” He said again firmly eager to leave no doubt in your mind.

“ I love you...” You wispered brushing his cheek and running your fingers through his hair.

“ I love you too...” He said looking straight into your eyes and you shared a tender kiss. You stayed there in a tight embrace. Both of you with your eyes closed. After a while Charlie started crying a little and you both went back in. Sam picked her up and walked around the room with her for a few minutes. She hadn’t quite woken up so after those few minutes she was completely lost in heavy sleep and drooling on her Dad’s shirt. He put her back in her crib with a small (silent) chuckle. You helped him clean his shirt and then you both lied on the blanket again. You moved close to him and he wrapped his arms around you protectively. You closed your eyes feeling his chest move with every breath and you were brushing his arm gently. He planted a tender kiss on the top of your head. “ I love you...” You heard him wisper and you both started drifting off.

“ (Y/N)...” Sam’s warm voice was the first thing you heard in the morning. You started rising into consciousness. You felt his lips on the top of your head as you realised you were lying on your side. “It’s time...” You heard his voice again and you felt his hand brush your arm gently. You opened your eyes to see Sam sitting next to you trying to wake you up. He smiled to you and kissed the top of your head again before getting up. Your eyes were burning and all you wanted to do was go back to sleep but you knew you couldn’t. Sam waited for you to get up and then both of you very silently walked out the door. It was still early for Dean and Charlie but you needed to get ready to go. They’d wake up in an hour or so so you could tell them goodbye. A thought that made your heart sink. You found Cas in the kitchen with Jody and Dean sleeping on the couch. Sam kissed you and went to the kitchen to help Jody and you moved to the living room to wake up Dean. You brushed his arm and shook him lightly.

“ Dean...It’s time to wake up...” You said. He stretched a little clearly not wanting to wake up and then a smile formed on his face. You smiled back instinctively.

“ Hey...” He greeted you still smiling at you. It was an amorous grin that lasted a few more seconds till he opened his eyes completely and the smile disappeared as his memories came back. He took his eyes away from you and you moved back without smiling either so he could get up.

“ How is your chest?” You asked as he was still sitting on the couch.

“ Good...It hurts only a bit...” He answered you. You kept staring at him not sure if you should believe him or not. He looked at you reluctantly but his eyes were steady. “ Really...” He added. You nodded and he took his eyes away from you again. You turned to walk away and you almost tripped on it. A glass and a bottle of whiskey. You looked at it surprised. Finding a bottle of whiskey next to Dean wasn’t surprising at all. What was surprising was finding it full. You leaned and took the bottle and the glass in your hands. The glass had clearly been used. But he must have drunk only a glass or so.

“ Trying to be a good uncle and all...” He told you in a gruff voice with a light chuckle answering the question he read on your face. You smiled to him. He smiled back to you. A melancholic smile this time. “ I’m starving...” He said after a moment exhaling deeply and he moved past you to head to the kitchen. You moved in the kitchen too and you greeted Cas and Jody. You put the bottle and the glass into place and you all sat down and had breakfast. You were all talking happily enjoying your food. When you and Sam were done you moved to wake up Dean and Charlie. Dean was so excited that you were there that he got up immediately but when you told him you had to go he frowned disappointed for a moment. You and Sam took time to get both Dean and Charlie ready. Enjoying every minute you had with them cause you’d have to leave in a little more than an hour. When you were done you moved to the living room holding Charlie in your arms and Sam had Dean behind his head. Bending a lot every time they had to walk under a door. You made Charlie breakfast and Sam fed her leaving Dean with you to help him with his eggs. When they were both full you started getting ready to leave again. You tried to get a minute alone with Jody though because you wanted to talk to her. So when Sam and Dean were ready they took Dean to the living room to play till it was time to leave. Charlie was in her rocking chair in the kitchen where Jody just finished washing the dishes.

“ Jody...” You started saying in a serious tone. She turned to look at you.

“ Yeah...” She answered looking at you serious too. You moved close to her and started.

“ I told you yesterday that what we are about to do is very dangerous...” You said and she nodded. You continued. “ And there is a good chance...” You took a deep breath to draw strength and let it out. “ ...That we won’t come back...” You saw Jody’s eyes turn a little wide with surprise but she came back from that minor shock really quickly. What you told her wasn’t completely unexpected. And despite what you and Sam had decided you wouldn’t take any risks. And you knew that if it came to you run you would do it only if you had no other choice. But if you didn’t get the chance to run away...“ And in that case...” You continued and you took another breath that this time came out trembling. “ I want you to take care of Dean and Charlie...” You said as your eyes got wet. She didn’t hesitate a second to answer.

“ You have my word...” She said to you in a serious tone and you offered her a smile as tears run down your cheeks temporarily blurring your vision. She smiled back to you. “ But I won’t have to...” She added reasuringly. “ You and Sam will be back before they even know you’re gone...” She told you with a smile. You looked at Charlie who was playing with her foot babbling to herself and you heard Dean’s laughter from the living room.

“ I really hope so...” You said and more tears run down your cheeks. Jody pulled you in for a hug.

“ Everything we’ll be alright...” She told you in a steady voice. “You’re Winchesters for crying out loud!” She added with a chuckle. You chuckled too and pulled back.

“ Thank you...” You said smiling to her.

“ Don’t even think about it...” She told you brushing your hair in a motherly fashion.

“ (Y/N)...It’s time...” You heard Cas’ gruff voice coming from the door. _It’s time._ Time to go. Time to say goodbye. Your heart left a painful beat and you nodded to Cas. You moved and took Charlie in your arms. She put her little arms around your neck. You held her tight and brushed her tiny back.

“ Goodbye, Baby girl...” You said and planted a kiss on her little head. She moved and made herself more comfortable. You chuckled and you felt like choking. “ I love you...” You said in a voice close to a wisper. “ I love you...” You repeated with a smile and kissed her head again. She babbled something to you and you moved with her outside right after Jody. Sam and Dean already had their jackets on. Dean was with them but they weren’t playing anymore.

“ This is for you, kiddo...” Dean said with a smile handing a small packet to your baby. Sam smiled to Dean and he smiled back to his brother.

“ Thank you...” Dean answered excited and rushed to open it. When he did he found inside a miniature impala. Sam looked at Dean a little confused.

“ I made it for you when we were kids...” Dean explained. “ But then I lost it and when I found it again you were too old for it...” He chuckled. “ I found it in some old stuff...” He said and grinned at Sam. Sam smiled back at him.

“ Thank you, uncle Dean!” Dean said excited and hugged Dean’s legs briefly. Dean looked down startled and a childish smile formed on his face as Dean pulled back and run to you.

“ Mom! Mom look what uncle Dean gave me!” He said excited holding his gift up so you could see it.

“ It’s beautiful,baby...” You said smiling widely as Sam moved close to you. You kissed Charlie one more time and passed her to him. She giggled and made herself comfortable in his arms. You leaned and brushed Dean’s hair. “ It’s time to go now...” You said and you saw Dean frown again. You brushed his little cheek and kissed his little head. You felt your throat closing again. “ I love you, baby...” You said when you pulled back.

“ I love you too,Mom...” He said and rushed in your arms. You held him tight and blinked a few times to stop the tears. You smiled to him when he pulled back. Sam on the other side of the room was holding Charlie in his arms. Dean brushed her little cheek and then told him that he’d wait for you outside. Cas followed him after saying goodbye to Dean too. Sam kissed Charlie’s head and he murmured “I love you...” against her head. She mumbled something and he chuckled. He kissed her head once more and held her tight. “ Goodbye, baby girl...” He said as he moved past you and Dean to put her in her basket. Then he turned to you as you were kissing Dean’s hair one more time. You got up and let him take Dean in his arms.

“ Daaad!” Dean exclaimed giggling and put his arms around Sam’s neck.

“ Goodbye, Buddy...” Sam said closing his eyes briefly as he was holding Dean in his arms.

“ Goodbye, Dad...” Dean murmured clearly sad you had to go. “ I love you...” He said again.

“ I love you too,Buddy...” Sam said with his eyes closed and a huge smile on his face. “ I love you too...” He repeated and kissed Dean’s head before putting him down again. And in the moment that followed you looked at each other knowing that you were feeling the same thing. You weren’t sure you could leave. You weren’t sure if you were capable of leaving. But you had to. For them. To make sure that noone could ever hurt them. You felt the question creeping up on you. Was this the last time you’d ever see them? Was this the last time they’d ever see you? No matter the promise you made it was still a possibility that neither of you would come back. Your heart skipped a beat. Dean just said goodbye expecting to see you again in two days or so. Casual. Nothing indicating that this was the last goodbye. And Charlie... Charlie wouldn’t even remember this moment. You saw Sam swallow hard. You swallowed hard too. You both said goodbye once more and Dean answered you smiling. You smiled back and walked out. Jody had just said goodbye to Dean and Cas ( holding Dean in a tight embrace) and hugged you goodbye too before walking back inside in a hurry not to leave Dean and Charlie alone. You and Sam followed Dean and Cas to the car. You were both feeling this huge burden inside and you hoped with all your heart that you wouldn’t have to keep your promise. That you’d both be back in a couple of days to hold them in your arms. You both entered the car. Sam drove again and Dean rode shotgun. You and Sam were mostly silent during the ride. Dean and Cas engaged in casual conversation a few times but nothing more than that. While on your way to your meeting point Matt called to inform you that everything was going according to plan. It was early afternoon when you met the sheriff and Matt along with Sia and Lana. You got ready. You helped Lana and Sia ward themselves so that her mother couldn’t track them with a spell just in case something went wrong. Then you all took your guns in your hands and you went one more time through the plan.

“...Remember you take mother down...” Sia repeated. “ Most of the others will flea...Some will attack you but I trust you can take them down...” She told you looking at all of you. You all nodded and Dean loaded his gun. Sia told you exactly were you should hide to perform the spells to get in. You still couldn’t see the building and that should be the last spell you should cast because that would be the signal that security has been breached. You hid behind some bushes in front of where Sia told you was the back door. When Sia texted you you started performing the counter spells. You and Sam got to work with the first spell. The sheriff and Dean cast the second spell moments after you and Sam. Then Sam and Dean went on with another spell while Matt and the sheriff helped you with the most difficult one and then the last one. The cover spell. It was taking some time to perform and everyone was waiting for you ready to attack the moment the spell would go down. You hoped that Sia was doing well in the other side. Cas was in front of you ready to deal with the reaper at any second. Finally when they all nodded you that they were ready you opened your mouth and said the words. Moments later the building appeared in front of you and it was bigger than you had imagined. Although it was exactly as Sia told you. And the moment the spell went down you saw you were hidden exactly in front of the back door ( which was too big to be considered a back door). Moments later the reaper walked out startled with another witch having realised that the spell was down. Cas walked determined towards him with his angel blade on hand. The sheriff shot the witch.

“ Castiel...” The reaper said in a furious tone ready to attack Cas.

“ Go...” Cas told you determined. You all run towards the door but the reaper didn’t even try to stop you. Cas attacked him but he blocked the attack. You walked in to a heavy lit corridor The sheriff was first followed by Sam and then you while Dean was at the door with Matt.

“ Screw the witches!” The reaper said his eyes sparkling with rage. “ This is personal!” You heard him growl behind you.

“ Cas!” You heard Dean yell gruffly. You turned around to see. Cas and the reaper were gone! It took you a few seconds to realise what was going on. The reaper probably teleported Cas somewhere else. To fight ? To trap? To kill? You didn’t know. But you didn’t have time to know. You had to move! Witches would be upon you any second now! But Dean was just staring at the spot where you assumed they disappeared pissed as hell.

“ Dean!” You yelled. “ We don’t have time for this...” You didn’t. You had no idea where the hell they went and therefore no way of helping Cas! But you had to move on if you’d have any chance with the witches and then go back and help Cas. If he needed your help! “ He can handle himself!” You shouted reassuringly for both yourself and Dean. Matt had followed the others and by now they had all disappeared at the corner for some time now. Dean nodded and turned around with his gun up and you both moved to the corner. You were about to turn when you saw bullets passing so close to you that they made your hair wave. You stretched your hand and you pushed Dean on the wall with you to get him out of their way. You waited for the witches to stop shooting and then you took a peak around the corner before you and Dean walked out guns blazing taking them all down. Sam and the sheriff appeared from the corner ahead looking for you.

“ We were delayed...” Dean said bluntly pointing at the dead witches on the floor. Sam nodded and you all started heading to the corner where Sam and the sheriff came from. But where the hell was Matt? The moment you made that thought you heard Matt scream from around the corner. A scream of pain! Sam was at the corner shooting and so was Dean followed by you and The sheriff but just a moment before you got there you saw Sam’s eyes getting wide with terror. You felt your knees trembling and he turned to you. Dean was shooting with his eyes wide open distressed too!

“ Run!” Sam yelled looking straight at you. And you knew what that meant! Something went horribly wrong! And you had to run! You had to keep your promise! Something inside you was screaming! And you hesitated! Just for a moment looking at Sam. You hesitated to leave him behind! And that moment was enough! Because the next one someone had grabbed your throat from behind almost choking you and a gun was at your head!

“ NO!” Sam yelled in his gruff voice. His eyes had turned wide and all the blood left his face. Dean shocked and scared turned his gun along with Sam pointing at whoever was choking you. A moment later he was captured by a tall witch that was holding him tight choking him too. Someone else hit him on the stomach and the gun left his hand as he was struggling for breath! Sam was the only one holding a gun pointing it at the woman holding you!

“ Put it down or she dies...” You both heard the woman’s firm voice. Sam was looking at you straight in the eyes to make sure you were fine as he was letting his gun down. His mind working in every possible way to get you out of this. You could see his struggle on his face. More witches were coming from every corner and finally you saw what Sam saw and understood that things went wrong. Many witches were pointing their guns at him now but one behind him was holding another hostage. Lana! You didn’t know what happened! And you didn’t have time to think about it when from the same corner there came a witch holding a bleeding Matt! The only question was...Why were you still alive?

Two other witches got hold of Sam too and then they all started leading you down another corridor. You had a vague idea as to where you were from the map you’ve made but there was no escaping. They had you all at gunpoint. As you were moving on one of them stepped out of line with Matt and entered a room. You followed them with your eyes and you hesitated to move forward. What would they do to him? Clearly they didn’t want any of you dead yet. The woman pushed you to move on. You obliged unwillingly. They lead you in a dead end. They opened the last door to the right and lead you inside. They switched on a small light on the ceiling and some of them got three chairs from the corner of the room. They made you all sit down and they handcuffed you. Arms behind your back. You all tried to resist but even if you made it out of their grip you wouldn’t get far without your guns and with everyone looking for you. Sam and Dean were opposite from you facing the door. Your back was turned at the door so when it opened again you didn’t know who walked in. But the expression on Dean’s face gave you a pretty good idea of who it was.

“ Bravo...” said a sinister voice from behind you. “ Close...but not close enough...” She chuckled sarcastically. She was the only person making any noise. Everyone else was sitting in total silence. Dean and Sam were looking at her behind you with a pissed off look on their faces. And even though you couldn’t see her you were certain you had the same expression on your face. “So...” She said and walked closer to Dean and you finally saw her. “ Let’s get to the point...” She said and looked at all of you. “Where is my poor excuse of a daughter...” She said to all of you with a smile. So that’s why you were still alive. She wanted to know about Sia. She got Lana but she had no idea where Sia was. The thing is...neither did you. But even if you did you wouldn’t tell her. Apparently Sia must have managed to excape somehow and she wanted to know were the hell she was because as Sia said now she was as dead to her mother as you were.

“ Go to hell...” Dean said with a sarcastic grin. He was ready for the punch that would come his way. He was expecting it. But the punch didn’t land on his face. It landed on Sam’s instead with a supressed sound. Sam growled in pain. Blood started streaming down from the corner of his mouth staining his clothes. You felt like someone just punched you. You gasped as your heart skipped a beat. Dean had turned to look at his brother taken by surprise with a horrified expression on his face. She chuckled sardonically.

“ Let me explain the rules...” She said smiling at Dean satisfied with the expression of absolute hatred he had now looking at her. “Each time one of you says something I don’t like someone else gets it...Don’t answer me at all and all of you get it...” She said smiling widely. She knew what she was doing. She knew that all of you could stand the pain that would come your way and you wouldn’t say a single word. But you wouldn’t feel the same way with the pain hitting someone you cared about. “ Let’s try this again, shall we?” She chuckled looking at Sam. And now you were all looking at her with the same hatred. “ Where is Sia?” She asked him and her voice now lost all sarcasm. It was full of rage and hatred as well. Hatred for Sia as well as you.

“ No idea...” He answered looking straight into her eyes.

“ Wrong answer...” She smiled and a second later a punch landed on your stomach taking your breath away. Sam jolted desperately in his seat unable to move and help you. Breathing heavily looking at you horrified and pale as you were struggling for air. He was searching in agony for a sign that you were alright. Dean made a grimace of pain and hatred when the punch hit you and looked at her again. She should be thankful looks couldn’t kill cause she’d be long dead by now. And you had no doubt that Dean had already fantasized a thousand ways of killing her. As the air started returning to your lungs you started feeling the pain get stronger. Breathing was now accompanied by immense pain. Sam’s eyes were still looking at you worriedas hell as you were still breathing with difficulty.

“ Bitch...” You murmured under your breath as your eyes started watering and in another second someone punched Dean in the face making him growl with pain. Your heart skipped a beat again. You looked at Dean with your eyes wide with shock and your vision slightly blurry. You didn’t think she’d hear it. But she did and now Dean’s eye would get black in a few minutes. Sam was now looking at her with an expression you rarely saw on his face. Desire to kill.

“ That’s not very nice now, is it?” She asked you smiling widely leaning on your chair. Then she stood up again and chuckled. “ By all means, take your time...I love our little game...” She said just as the door opened again and a witch walked close to her and wispered something in her ear. Her smile turned even more wide. The witch left and she turned to you again. “ It seems we have to interrupt our delightful game...I have to cast a spell on your children...” She said casually fully aware of the effect this sentence would have on you and Sam. You all jolted in your seats unable to get free and sent her to hell right there, right now. Dean’s lips flickered with hatred as he was trying to think of a way to get out of there. You and Sam looked at each other depserate and scared.Your heart was racing with fear. “Maybe when I come back you can tell me where they are too...I’d love to watch...” She said in a sadistic manner and left the room along with everyone else except two witches that stood outside the door as guards.The moment she walked out you started stuggling with your handcuffs trying to get out of them. Your stomach ached with every move but you didn’t care. You had to get out of here! You had to stop her. You were struggling and struggling but you couldn’t! You couldn’t! She would harm your babies and you couldn’t stop her! You tried again and again!But nothing and you finally broke into tears realising that your fighting was hopeless. You couldn’t get out of the handcuffs. And your babies...Your babies...You couldn’t stand the thought... Tears started running down your cheeks and you let your head fall in front of you. Thick teardrops got your shirt wet. You started sobbing and you jolted desperately on your chair.

“ (Y/N)...” Sam’s voice reached you. Gruff but calm. How on earth could he be calm? You were captured and she was on her way to harm your children! You raised your head and you saw Sam looking at you reasuringly. Dean’s lips twisted in a small satisfied grin. You looked straight into Sam’s eyes. “ It’s going to be alright...” He said cryptically so that the witches outside your door wouldn’t understand what he was talking about. But you did. He looked at you and offered you a reasuring smile. And for the first time you noticed his hands moving slightly behind his back. He was picking the lock! You felt relief spread from your chest to your whole body and a smile formed on your lips. You and Dean waited patiently as Sam was picking the lock. Five minutes later he sighed victorious. Sweat gleamming on his forehead. He brought his hands in front of him and got up. He moved behind you and tried to open your handcuffs. Every now and then brushing rour hand reassuringly. A few moments later you felt your hands go free and you sighed with relief. You got up as Sam moved to Dean to set him free as well. You were still feeling the aftereffects of the punch. You were feeling nauseous but at least now you were breathing more easily. When Sam set Dean free too you all started thinking how would you get out of there. You couldn’t pick the lock at the door. The witches outside would hear you. You finally decided wispering to trick them. All you really needed was for them to open the door and the rest were pretty easy to deal with. You were ready to pretend you were dieing and Sam and Dean would call for help (cause that would most certainly draw them in since their leader wanted you alive) when you heard the soft sound of punches outisde the door. Sounds of pain that quickly stopped and then the door opened again. Dean pushed you behind himself and Sam to protect you just in case. But you didn’t need protection. When the door opened Sia walked in. Blood running from the corner of her mouth and holding her arm that seemed broken. She grinned at you as you were all looking at her with your mouths open.

“ Quick!” She told you. “ We don’t have time...” Sam and Dean walked to the door and took the guns of the witches lying on the floor while Sia handed you her own. “ She understood I was trying to distract her and she headed straight to the back door. I barely got away...” She said. “ The sheriff got away too...He’ll be here any minute now. He walked Matt outside. He was shot...” She explained. You told her what her mother had said and she told you that if she was ready to cast the spell she would do it in the circular room at the center of the buliding. She reminded you of the map and you knew where you should head. She insisted on coming with you but she was in no condition to fight her way through so you asked her to go outside and deal with as many as she could of those who would try to flea. She also told you that to her surprise she had help going in. There were many witches in there that despised her mother as much as she did and that maybe you’d find yourselves among sudden allies. That was enough to make your heart flatter with hope. Myabe you’d make it after all. Once the sheriff joined you and you were ready to go and kick witch asses you asked her one last question. But her answer was alarming. She had no news from Cas. You saw Dean frown worried but you didn’t have time. You had to get this done. Kill the witches! And then you’d deal with Cas and with his reaper deal! So you headed to the circular room that Sia told you on the map. You were very careful on your way there but you didn’t meet any witches. Apparently they had all gone to the circular room as the spell she was about to cast needed immense power. Once you got there you saw that you were right. The room was crowded as hell and their leader was in the middle making a speech about the time that had come to take revenge upon you. She was standing in front of a table with many bowls that held ingredients in. You didn’t give a damn what crap she was saying. The only thing you wanted was to plant a bullet in her head. But there was no way you could get in there unoticed. The door had been left opened recklessly and that’s why you could see what was happening in there but you couldn’t get in. Not all of you at least. All of them were women so Sam, Dean and the sheriff couldn’t pass unnoticed no matter what. But you...You would get recognised for sure too but maybe you could gain enough time to get a clear shot. Sam didn’t like the idea. If they’d recognise you you’d be dead in a second. But there was no other way in and you didn’t have time. And if you’d all get in right now you’d all be dead.She would cast the spell in a few minutes. So your best chance was to hide as best you could! The sheriff gave you his jacket since it was the only one with a hood. Your gun in your hand hidden as best you could. Sam nodded to you before opening the door worried as hell. Dean hid it better but he was worried as hell too. You smiled reassuringly to them although your heart was racing and you walked inside opening the door just slightly to make sure no one noticed. Sam and Dean were waiting just outside the door. You knew that if anything seemed to go even remotely wrong they would jump in front of you to protect you. Sam didn’t take his eyes from you not even for a second. No one noticed you. Every one was so absorbed by her speech that you doubted they’d notice you unless you didn’t try to walk closer to the center where she was. But you had to walk closer to get a clear shot. You decided that if you did this slow you’d give them enough time to recognise you and kill you. You had to do this fast so you cold use the element of surprise that would give you a few precious moments before Sam, Dean and the sheriff would join the fight. So you moved forward hearing your heart on your chest and your whole body beating like a drum! You moved fast pushing witches aside as fast as you could and by the time she noticed the upheaval you were close enough to have a clear shot! You wouldn’t let the bitch hurt your children! She only got to look in your eyes and the grin on your face as you raised your gun and pulled the trigger! At first she looked stunned from the first bullet. You shot again in a matter of seconds and she dropped like a stone. There were those precious moments of surprise and Sam and Dean walked in with their guns blazing! Someone caught you from behind but the sheriff shot her before she could hurt you. You went on fighting, shooting. Some where running for the door to get away unaware that Sia was waiting for them outside. A handful of them faught at your side for their own personal reasons. Maybe just to get away. Or maybe because they hated their leader. Either way you let those go. And the whole thing was like a huge brawl with gunshots. You fought and you didn’t stop until all you could see around you was dead bodies with only Sam and Dean and the sheriff standing... And you were all standing breathless covered in blood... You were all breathing heavily...You made it! YOU FREAKING MADE IT! And you were all alive!!!...When you looked at each other you couldn’t help but smile! Comfortingly, reassuringly...relieved... Beacuse you made it! And you were still alive! All of you!

“ I have to check on Matt...” The sheriff announced you a few minutes later when his breaths returned to normal.

“ I’m coming with you... We need to check with Cas...” Dean said too.

“ We’ll catch up with you later...” Sam told them.

“ We need to make sure that everything is fine in here...” You said to Dean. They both nodded and headed to the door as you and Sam started walking around the place careful where you’d step. You wanted to make sure she didn’t have time to cast the spell. And that she hadn’t cast any other spell. And you also planned to collect the ingredients she left behind because some of them were very rare and you never knew when you’d need them. You wanted to be fast though. You didn’t want to stay there any more than necessary. And you wanted to get back to your children! Both of you! Together! You felt your heart flatter at the thought and your eyes watered with relief at the thought that you’d go back to them together! That they were safe! That you made it! And that gave you hope that you’d save Dean too! And find Cas! If he wasn’t back already! You turned to look at Sam smiling at him with so much relief in your eyes. He smiled back at you relieved as well. You really made it! All you wanted to do was hold each other tight in your arms for as long as you could. But first you needed to get out of there. You both turned to picking up things from the floor fast. You were at least a few feet apart when you heard something from the door. Like a snake crawling on brown autumn leaves. You turned your head to look and you saw her! She was still alive! Clearly not for long! She was soaked in blood! But her gun was up and though her hands were trembling the satisfied smile didn’t leave her face as she was pointing her gun at Sam!

“ SAM!” You yelled in agony trying to warn him! Getting up as fast as you could to get to him! To save him! It was instinct not thought! You just had to get to the man you loved and save him! But you were too far away! And Just as he turned around at the sound of your alarmed voice she fired! And you felt like someone punctured your side just as Sam raised his gun and horrified planted a bullet at her head and the sinister smile she gave him remained plastered on her face! You felt weak and for a few moments your ears were buzzing and that was the only thing you could hear. It was like everything was happening in slow motion. Sam run next to you and put his arms around you just as you fell to your knees.

“ (Y/N)!... **(Y/N)!”** He called your name frantic eager for a response. But you fell back looking at your side. Looking at the entry wound. You felt his hands catch you and suddenly everything returned to their normal pace. Blood...There was a lot of blood... “You’re alright...It’s fine...” Sam’s voice next to you gruff and emotional. Full of agony and worry. “ Talk to me...” He said but you weren’t paying attention. You were too shocked to talk. You’ve never been shot before. Knifed,yes but not shot. You were watching the blood soak you as it was coming out of the wound in your abdomen. Fast and much... And you started feeling the pain too! Paralising pain! That started getting more and more intense. “Come on!” You heard Sam’s voice encouraging you as he was trying to get one hand under your knees to carry you but when he tried yo lift you you screamed in pain and he had to put you down again! And you knew...You knew...He knew it too...He didn’t want to see it but he did... “ DEAN!” He yelled for help and turned to look at you again. His eyes wet. His hands trembling. Trying to stop the blood. “ Come on!” He told you again in his gruff voice. But you felt like you were already going. You didn’t have time. You rose your trembling hand and brushed his cheek. Your voice wasn’t getting out. You were struggling. “ come on...Breathe...” Sam said desperate thinking you couldn’t breathe. “ DEAN!” He yelled again. And you found your voice.

“ You take care of them...” You said and your voice was like a wisper. He tried to protest. “ Listen to me...” you said as tears started running down your eyes. “ You’re...an amazing Dad, Sam...” You said and made an effort to smile but it turned into an expression of pain. Sam’s eyes were gleamming with tears. “ Tell them I love them...” You said again.

“ Yeah...You’ll tell them yourself when we get home...” He said making another effort to pick you up but you couldn’t. You growled in pain and you felt the metallic taste of blood in your mouth. “Hold on!...(Y/N), hold on...” He said as tears run down his cheeks. You smiled to him as you felt tears leaving your eyes too.

“ I love you...” You said. This was the end. You knew. He had to know. You had to tell him. If there was one last thing you wanted to tell him was that. “ I love you...” You repeated.

“ I love you too...” He said and leaned and kissed your head firmly with trembling lips. His voice gruff and trembling. “ Now, Hold on...” He said again fighting. But you knew you were already gone.

“ I love you...” You said again. He pulled you into his chest holding you tight. You ignored the pain for the sound of his heartbeat. Frantic, irregular, in panic...in pain... He kissed the top of your head again. And again... A loving , firm desperate kiss.

“ DEAN!” He yelled again. And then he kissed the top of your head again. “ I love you too...” He said to you. “ So much... Now hold on...You’re not gonna die...!” He said again still holding you and still trying to stop the blood with his hand with no result.

“ I love you...” You said once again. You repeated it a dozen more times in your mind but you couldn’t say it anymore. Your voice was lost and your lips were moving struggling for a word.

“ NO!...No!” You heard his gruff trembling voice. His trembling hand on your face. Brushing your cheek. Soothingly, desperately...“ Stay with me! Stay with me!...” But you couldn’t. _I love you_... You said in your mind once more “ I love you, (Y/N)...” You heard Sam’s voice breaking with immense love and unbearable pain. But those four words weren’t enough. His wet,gleaming eyes and his trembling hands showing you all the love and the pain these four words couldn’t cover...“ Stay with me!...” He said desperately once more and his gruff voice broke and you felt the darkness hug you and drag you into unknown debths...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on August 29 or 30... :-)


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the shot...

**Sam’s point of view**

“ Stay with me!” I said once more brushing her cheek, hearing my heartbeat in my ears...deafening. Unable to think...unable to move...My face burning...barely feeling my tears in my face. And I feel her in my arms... Going... She looked at me. And I feel that if I look away the light will leave them...And I look at her...I look at her...Unable to hear my voice as I ask her one more time to stay with me...Her eyelids heavy covered her eyes and her head collapsed motionless on my hand. And in that moment I felt emptying inside. Like something just washed away my whole world...

“ **(Y/N)!** ” The scream behind me vocalising my internal scream... And somehow Dean’s gruff yell brought me back to the surface. And I put my other hand on her neck...searching for pulse. My hands trembling, my heartbeat deafening as I wait to feel something. Anything! Anything that seemed like a pulse! And after those few moments that felt like eternity I felt it...Under my fingers...A small twitch!...And after a long time another small twitch...Weak but there... I felt part of the empty space inside me being restored. For the first time I felt I could hear again over my own pulse and my hands were trembling but they didn’t feel weak anymore...She is still alive! She’s alive!...I notice Dean’s running footsteps as in the past few seconds he yelled and run towards me. I turned to look at him. His expression socked and acared and desperate his eyes locked on her as he was getting close.

“She’s alive...” I said and my voice sounded gruff and trembling...even alien. “ She just lost consciousness!” I said again gruffly as I turned to her and took her in my arms as fast as I could. I wasn’t careful...I knew she couldn’t feel any pain now...And I had to get her out of there! Fast! As fast as possible! By the time I turned around Dean was already at the door holding his gun ready to cover me so that I could get her out.

“ Come on!” He yelled at me and his voice sounded gruffer than usual. I moved as fast as I could close to him holding her tight. Feeling her breath on my neck...Or maybe I thought I felt her breath every time my hair moved...I desperately wanted it to be her breath. As I was getting close to Dean his eyes stayed still for a few moments looking at the floor behind me. His face a mask of pain as he was looking at the pool of blood on the floor. And then he looked at her face that was white as paper with the same expression on his face... Only for a second before he looked at me with all his determination back on his face making up for my paralizing fear. And he moved forward fast checking behind every now and then to make sure I was following. And I was as fast as I could ignoring the trail of blood I was leaving behind. Getting outside it felt again like forever. And when I did I felt the cold air hit my face that was wet with sweat and tears. It took me some time to realise we were out from a different entrance. We found ourselves on the road. I saw the car parked there. I locked my eyes on it and moved as fast as I could. There was another car there. The sheriff was lying inside growling every once in a while. Matt was sitting on the hood of the car changing the bandages on his leg. Sia was sitting close to the car pacing. She turned to look at Dean when she saw him approaching.

“ What happened? What was the gunshot?” She asked confused.

“ (Y/N)!” Dean said gruffly without wasting time to explain as Matt spotted me holding her behind him. His face turned to an expression of fear. Sia looked a little scared too. But I wasn’t paying any attention. _Hold on...hold on..._ I repeated inside me somehow thinking she coud hear me. And my eyes were scanning. He had to be there! I am too emotional and I can’t spot him! He has to be back...

“ Cas!” I yelled gruffly and that sounded both like a call and a question as I started realising that I couldn’t spot him.

“ He’s not back! Hurry!” Dean’s gruff voice reached my ears from the car as he opened the back door stepping aside. Cas wasn’t back...But her pulse was too weak...Till we get to the hospital...I felt that paralizing fear again and I looked at Dean desperately as I was almost there. “ Come on!” He yelled at me again and helped me get inside. I moved as fast as I could holding her tight. Dean hesitated for a second to make sure I had her secured in my arms and rushed to the front seat starting the car. He was driving really fast but it still felt really slow to me and I put my hand on her neck locating her pulse and I kept it there. Tracking one slow beat after another. Dean was looking through the mirror every now and then with the same expression of fear and pain in his eyes. Watching her face turning even more white as she was losing more blood. And I couldn’t take my eyes away from her. Like if I did she’d be gone... Like I was the only thing keeping her to life...But I knew that this was the desperate part of me trying to gain any control over the situation...Feeling that if I don’t take my eyes from her I won’t lose her... I can’t lose her... And so I took a few peaks out of the window during the ride to see how close we were and I turned back to her as fast as I could as if she could have disappeared when I looked away...

“We’re almost there...” Dean said gruffly when he took a sudden turn and I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me or (Y/N) or both. I nodded and I saw the hospital in front of us. In the next couple of minutes Dean had parked the car and had opened the door so that I could get her out. I walked out still holding her tight.

“ Hold on...hold on...we’re almost there...” I wipsered in her hair as I was reaching for the door with Dean running behind me. Seconds later Dean pushed the door open for me and I bursted in yelling.. “Help!...My wife...She’s been shot!” My gruff voiced echoed in the lobby in the few moments that took people from different directions coming straight towards me. I saw two guys carrying a stretcher. Dean run towards them to help them. Nurses were coming close from the right. One of them calling saying they had a GSW and calling for surgery preparations as soon as possible. Once the stretcher was close enough I laid her on it as carefully as possible but it was like my arms had locked. I couldn’t move away. I couldn’t look away as her blood was staining the white stretcher.

“ Step away, Sir!” I heard an annoyed urgent voice next to me right before I felt two sets of arms pulling me away. I didn’t resist but I didn’t take my eyes off her. I saw a nurse giving her oxygen as they were taking her away. And I flet helpless and useless as all I could do was watch her for only a few more seconds before she disappeared behind a door in the end of the corridor along with everyone else. Dean was staring down the corridor too. His face a mask of pain...Just like mine... The pain in my chest spreading through all my body...unbearable pain...

“ Sir... We need you to complete this form with your wife’s information as soon as possible...” A proffesional voice next to me made me snap out of it. I looked at her startled then I responded gruffly and my voice sounded deep and tortured.

“ Yes...right....” I said and reached to take the papers she was offering me. But she pulled away before I could touch them. For a moment I was confused and then I realised why. It was the first time I noticed I was soaked in blood. My hands were sticky and red and my clothes had dried blood all over them. My shirt was stuck on my skin as the blood there was still fresh.

“ Maybe I should write for you...” The woman said but just as she finished her sentence Dean popped up next to me.

“ I’ll do it...” He said and the woman smiled gently handing him the papers and a pen. “ Thanks...” Dean said without smiling and turned to me as she turned away. “ Maybe you should go change first...” He said conserned. My stuff were in the car.

“ No...They’re gonna need her medical history...” I said looking at him exhaling deeply trying to relief the agonising pain in my chest...But nothing could do that...

“ Does she have one?” Dean asked a little confused. “ I mean...Hasn’t Cas...?” He started asking but he couldn’t finish his sentence. The weight of everything that happened today was crushing us both. But he didn’t need to finish I knew what he meant.

“ Not since we left the life...” I said and I heard my voice gruff in my ears again. Dean nodded.

“ Ok...” He said exhaling deeply trying to put his thoughts in order. We moved down the corridor they had taken (Y/N) and we sat down somewhere that wasn’t crouded. Dean started filling the form. The first steps he could do on his own and he kept on asking me for the rest.

“ Children...” He murmured to himself. “ Two...” He answered his own question. “ A boy and a girl...Exactly how old are they?” He asked turning to look at me.

“ Dean is four years old and nine months and Charlie is seven months old...” I answered thinking of Dean and Charlie. I felt like choking. More pain spreading through my chest. What would I tell them...if...if... My mind run wild and I saw Dean in front of me crying...telling me that he loved mom...that he wanted her back...Charlie a few years old asking me how beautiful was mom and if she loved her...I swallowed hard trying to contain the tears that were threatening to run down my eyes. Trying to relief the choking so that I could speak again... I burried my face in my hands trying to snap out of it and I emerged again taking a deep breath. More in control.

“ Any complications during pregnancy...?” Dean asked softly looking at the paper instead of me.

“ No...nothing...” I answered in a low voice. He took a deep breath.

“ Any other injury worth mentioning...” He read.

“ Not that I can think of...” I answered in a gruff voice.

“ Ok...” He said taking a deep breath. “ We’re done...” He said and got up. “ I’m gonna take this to the reception...You should go change...” He said gruffly.

“ Right...” I said in a deep voice and I followed him to the reception and then walked outside to get to the car. I wiped as much blood as I could off my hands but it wasn’t enough. My hands were still sticky. I took my clean clothes from the car careful not to stain them and I headed to the restroom to change. Surprisingly there was no other man in there. But even if it was...I wouldn’t care... My mind was so crouded. I just took my shirt off and I rumpled it in my hands. And then I stopped and looked at it as I was still holding it in my bloody hands. I could still feel wet blood on it. Her blood...I closed my eyes and swallowed hard and squeezed the shirt gently in my hands. Trying to relif the choking and the pain...But I couldn’t...This time I couldn’t... I just leaned on the sink putting my hands in front of me to support my weight. My shirt on my left hand. I clenched my fists around the cold surface and let my head fall in front of me. My hair hiding my eyes from the light. And soon my whole body was gently trembling with the tears I was trying to fight so much. The muscles on my face twisted as the tears made their way down my cheeks from my closed eyes. And I felt vulnerable, I felt weak, Helpless, useless...and scared. So damn scared. I remember how scared I was when we had Dean...and then Charlie. How nervous I was. How I was trying to hide it from her because she was scared herself and I didn’t want to make it worse... The relief I felt when they were both alright each time...How...happy... I felt when I came back home finding her playing with Dean or Charlie or both...When she turned her head and looked at me...I’m screaming inside my head! An eternal agonising scream! And I know that I won’t stand losing her! I can’t! _I can’t..._ Her voice echoed in my head from last night. Last night that felt like months ago. Last night she was crying because she was scared of even the thought of being were I am now... The pain in my chest was getting physical. More tears left my eyes...My body still gently shaking... _Help..._ My voice echoes in my head. I’m not asking...I don’t know who or what to ask for help... I don’t know why I say it...For her to hear me?...She can’t ...she won’t...Maybe I just need to say it...Maybe I just need to let myself be desperate now...Because if Dean calls... _“No...Let me cry now...Because in two days if you’re gone... I’ll have to be calm and hold myself up and explain to Dean why the hell Dad won’t come home...”_ Her voice echoed in my head again. Her sweet, desperate voice...Full of love and pain. The overwhelming desire to hug her and hold her close to me being crushed by the fact that there’s only thin air in front of me... And the thought that I might never be able to hold her like that again...I want to scream...But all that comes out of my mind is a sob...The sound woke me up from the few moments I got lost in my thoughts... But I swallowed hard once more to take control over the tears and the pain... I opened my eyes and raised my head again and I felt like I was so heavy...Crushed... I saw my face in the mirror. There was a thin stream of dry blood on my mouth from the punch I’ve taken... My eyes red and hollow...Gleaming with tears. A huge bruise on my ribs...And my hands still bloody and slitly trembling... I got a deep breath...As deep as I could without provoking the tears... I got the water running in the sink and washed my hands and my face. Then I changed my clothes and took the dirty ones back to the car where I left them in a bag and headed back inside. I checked my watch... I’ve only been gone for ten minutes or so...I doubted there’d be any news. I went down the corridor and I spotted Dean sitting on a chair leaning to his front. His elbows on his knees and his fists clenched and stuck together to support his forehead. His eyes closed...Trying to control the pain. His face was almost expressionless but his lips were tightened. He raised his head when he heard me coming.

“ Hey...” He greeted me in a gruff voice. “ Cas called...” He told me before I could say anything and my eyes turned wide and I felt my pulse raising. “ He said that poor excuse of a reaper teleported him to Alaska...”

“ Alaska!?” I asked surprised. My voice reached my ears gruff again. Like it hasn’t been used for years.

“ Yeah...” Dean shook his head apparently as surprised and confused as I was. “ Anyway...” He continued. “ Cas managed to kill him and called Matt...Sia will try to teleport him back but...we don’t know how long it will take...” He said and I felt my pulse getting slower and more painful. He exhaled deeply and rested his forehead on his fists again.

“ At least **he** is safe...” I said gruffly recognising the part of me that felt relieved that Cas was fine. We were all really worried about him.

“ Yeah...” Dean said taking a deep breath and raising his head again. He was relieved too that Cas was ok. But that wasn’t enough for him now. Like it wasn’t enough for me. Because if (Y/N)... I shook my head to chase away the words along with the thought.

“ Any news?” I asked after a small pause though I already knew the answer.

“ No...nothing...” Dean answered me gruffly with a disappointed tone. I nodded. I rested my head on my hand knowing that all I could do now was wait...either for a doctor or Cas to show up. The silence was heavy. Loaded with emotion. My mind was getting crouded again. What if this was all my fault...What if Dean was right all those years ago when he was so against taking her with us...What if I should have done the same?...What if I had asked her to stay home with Dean and Charlie? Non of this would have happened...Non of this...

“ It’s not your fault...” Dean said gruffly. He knew what I was thining as if he was reading my mind.

“ If I had told her not to come...” I started saying without looking at him.

“ Like you could have stopped her...” He chuckled melancholically but I could hear the pain in his voice.

“ You could...” I said and he understood what I was saying. All those years ago they had huge fights about this but most of the times Dean would stop her from coming with us.

“ Yeah...And then she yelled at me and she didn’t speak to me for days...” He chuckled melancholically again.

“ I’d rather she yelled...” I said but I couldn’t finish my sentence. And I didn’t have to. Dean understood what I meant. That I’d rather hear her yell at me day and night or even go weeks without her speaking a word to me than losing her. And I was too close to losing her now...Too damn close...The choking sensation was back.

“ You couldn’t have stopped her...” Dean said gruffly once more. “She’d do anything to protect Dean and Charlie...There is no way she could have sit this one back...” He said exhaling deeply.

“ Yeah...” I agreed feeling the guilt turn again into helplessness as I felt once more that I had no control over the situation. Feeling guilty gave me the feeling that I had the power to control it...to prevent it...to protect her...But the rational part of me knew that I couldn’t any more than she could for me...Even though she’d do anything for me and I’d anything for her...

“ Don’t worry...” Dean said without looking at me again. “ She’ll be back yelling in no time...” A small smile formed on his lips again. I nodded and rested my head in my hand again hiding my eyes. “She’ll be fine... I promise...” He said gruffly again trying to reasure me as I felt the tears making my eyes hurt and the pain in my chest spreading rapidly once more. I nodded without raising my head trying to regain control. I felt him get up and I raised my head this time to look at him. “ I’m gonna get some coffee...” He said taking a deep breath. “ Do you want something?” He asked me.

“ No, thanks...” I said and my voice sounded unusualy gruff. I felt like nothing could get past my throat at this point. Dean nodded and walked away. I got lost in my thoughts again when all I could do was wait. I burried my face in my palms and waited. Every minute felt like an hour and I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore when...

“ Sam!” Cas called me from down the corridor. I raised my head at the sound of his voice. My pulse raising with hope and relief.

“ Cas!” I said back and I felt a small smile form on my face. “ Are you alright?” I asked as he was approaching.

“ I’m fine...How’s ...?” He satrted asking about (Y/N) but a voice behind me covered his.

“ Mr Winchester...” I heard and I turned around to see a doctor coming close to me. Cas stood close to me waiting to hear the news. I thought my chest would burst although I knew that everything would probably be alright now that Cas was there.

“ We managed to remove the bullet...It penetrated her stomach though...We managed to stabilize your wife but the next fourty eight hours we’ll be crusial...” He told me and I did feel like someone punched me.

“ Thank you, doctor...” I said eager to see her and see if Cas could heal her.

“ One more thing...” He said to me. “ Do you know the gun she was shot with? The bullet had some wierd markings on it...” Me and Cas looked at each other surprised and alarmed.

“ Can we see it?” Cas asked impatient and scared as I was of what that could mean.

“ You mean the patient...” The doctor tried to correct him confused.

“ No, the bullet...” Cas said bluntly. The doctor looked at him creeped out but that was the last thing either of us cared about.

“ Sure...” He answered reluctantly. “ And if anyone is interested on the patient...she’s in room 304...” He said and walked away.

“You go see her...” Cas told me in his caring voice. “ I’ll go get the bullet... I’ll find you there as soon as possible.” He told me offering me a small smile. “ Sam, don’t worry...She’ll be fine...” He reassured me with a small smile and went to follow the doctor as I rushed to room 304 with my pulse being deafening again. I found a nurse outside and she tried to stop me when I tried to walk in.

“ Only close relatives...” She told me.

“ I’m her husband...” I said in a gruff voice and pushed the door again impatiently. She didn’t stop me this time but she walked in behind me. I ignored her as I saw (Y/N) on the bed. So peaceful. I could hear the beaping with her every heartbeat. Stronger, faster than before. I rushed close to her and sat next to her. I heard the door close again as the nurse walked out.

“ Hey...” I greeted her with a low and soft voice and reached to gently brush her hand as it was lying on her side. I looked at her taking in every detail as I was brushing her hand gently. She was still pale but certainly better than when I got her there. A small cut on her cheek. She was covered with the sheets so I couldn’t see the wound. But she seemed very calm. I smiled to her as my eyes got blurry and I raised her hand and leaned forward so my lips would meet her fingers in the middle. I straightened up again without lettting her hand go. Feeling like I could breathe for the first time now that she was next to me...that I hadn’t lost her... I kept o staring at her thinking of how much I love her...How much she means to me...How scared I am... A second later Cas walked in and the nurse tried to stop him. I told her he was her brother and she backed off again looking at me suspiciously.

“ It was a magic bullet...” He told me once the nurse walked out. “I’m not sure what all of the marks meant but I knew most of them...” He said again and moved close to her. “ That’s why I’m gonna have to heal her in stages...but she’ll be fine...” He concluded offering me a reasuring smile. Then he touched her forehead with his fingers. In the next second the small cut on her cheek healed. I continued brushing her hand and my pulse got harder when she squeezed my hand weakly in her sleep. I chuckled and with my other hand I reached to brush her cheek. She tilted her head a little responding to my touch. I smiled even more widely and pressed my lips on her hand again in a tender kiss. Cas smiled and I smiled back to him grateful.

“ Where is Dean?” Cas asked casually a few seconds later. “ I thought he was here at the hospital...” He said confused.

“ He is here...” I answered casually turning to look at him. “ He went to get some coffee...He should be back by now...Maybe he got lost because he didn’t know the room...” I said realising that Dean had been gone for a long time now.

“ No he is not...The car wasn’t parked outside...” Cas told me confused and I looked back at him confused too. There is no way he wouldn’t have seen the car. It’s not like you can confuse it with any other car. Cas should have seen it... He would have seen it...I started thinking about it. Where could he be? Maybe he needed some time alone but he wouldn’t be gone for so long while we were waiting for news about (Y/N).

“ I’ll give him a call...” I said trying to sound casual. Mostly I wanted to see where he was but I also needed to tell him about (Y/N) and Cas and where he’d find us. So I took my phone out of my pocket without leaving her hand and called Dean. He had no service. Where could he be to have no service. I gave Cas an uncomfortable look and I tried to call him again. Same...I started thinking that maybe something happened but something didn’t seem right to that theory. And then it hit me. I thought nothing of it at the time. But now that I was thinking about it again... _”She’ll be fine...I promise...”_ he said. **_“ I promise...”_** It wasn’t much to make me think of anything but knowing my brother...Knowing that technically he was already dying...That wasn’t a reassuring promise... “ I’ll go find him...” I said getting up fast.

“ I’ll stay with (Y/N)...” Cas told me reassuringly having caught the alarmed tone of my voice. I leaned and pressed my lips on her forehead in a loving goodbye kiss. I pulled back and said goodbye to Cas before bursting out of the room. I started thinking fast. I had this feeling that time was against me. He wouldn’t make a deal with a reaper. Practically he had nothing to bargain with. There was already a deal made that required him to die. He couldn’t offer his life. What he could offer was his soul. And more interested in souls and especially Dean Winchester’s soul were deamons...I needed to find the crossroad and hope it wasn’t too late... I walked outside of the parking and I run a little further so that I could hide from the security cameras. I found a car that seemed to have been parked there for a really long time and checked the map for the nearest crossroads. When I did find it I started driving as fast as I could. When I got there I could see by the demon’s face that they were close to a deal. Dean turned around and looked at the car startled as I was bursting out.

“ Dean!” I yelled in a gruff voice the moment I set my foot on the ground. He was coming back from the surprise and he was about to ignore me and make the deal official so that I couldn’t stop him. “ She’s fine...ok?...” I yelled walking fast towards him. “ She’s fine...Cas turned up...He said she’s gonna be fine...” I continued looking at him straight in the eyes.

“ Are you sure?” He asked me gruffly trying to understand if I was saying this just to stop him or if it was true.

“ Yes, I’m sure!” I said angrily like I was saying the most natural think in the world. He turned to looked at the demon. She rolled her eyes.

“ Bummer...” She said smiling to Dean. “ I kind of missed the Winchester deals...”She chuckled. Dean just shook his head rolling his eyes and turned around to leave when she spoke again. “But if...She is **not** fine...” Her lips formed a huge smile. “ You know what to do...” She tilted her head towards him signifying some deal I din’t know about. Dean didn’t nod or say anything but I could see he understood. “ Hope I’ll see you again soon...” She said smiling to both of us and she disappeared. I turned with a pissed off look and looked at Dean.

“ Let’s go...” He said bluntly and headed towards the car. I left the car I stole there and followed him. He sat on the wheel and I rode shotgun.

“ I had to...” He said gruffly half way to the hospital breaking the tense silence that was there since we entered the car.

“ No...” I said in a cold but calm voice. “ You thought you had to...” I turned to briefly look at him. “ We didn’t know anything for sure when you took off...And Cas could still show up in time...Like he did...Don’t you think I’d be the first there if there was no other way?” I said and this time my voice trembled with emotion. He shook his head.

“You know she wouldn’t want you to do it...” He said in a serious tone.

“ And she’d want **you** to do it?” I asked sarcastically. “ What do you think would happen if she woke up and found out you sold your soul for her?” I ask with my voice still calm. “ You know in some things you’re exactly the same...” I chuckled bluntly. “ She would never forgive herself if you did this to save her...She’d always think it was her fault...Because she wasn’t careful? Because she should have stayed home? Because she couldn’t save you?...Pick one...” I said and looked at him. His face was expressionless. “ She wouldn’t forgive herself like you’d never forgive yourself if I or she or Cas or anyone...did something like that for you...” I paused to take a breath. “ And truth is we’d all do it for you...The difference is that we’d make sure that there was no other way to save you...The difference is that you think you’re expendable...” I said and turned to look at him and my voice was gruff and full of emotion. “ But you’re not...You’re my brother and I’ve lost you too many times already...Cas is your best friend...(Y/N)!...We all love you...” I took a deep breath. “ Stop thinking and acting like you’re expendable, ok?” I asked locking my eyes on him. He nodded slightly with his head.

“ Ok...” He said in a gruff, deep voice. A small twich on his lips indicated a smile. I didn’t believe him for a second. He’d have to change his whole way of thinking to stop believing that we could do without him but at least for now this answer was reassuring. For a while after that we both remained silent. When we were close to the hospital again we engaged in small talk and it felt like everything was back to normal... Our normal anyway... We parked the car and stopped to grab a cup of coffee and headed to her room. The nurse wasn’t outside so we both walked in without being stopped. She was still lying there like when I left her. Cas was next to her watching her and trying to read the markings on the bullet. When we walked in he got up and greeted Dean who rushed to hug him happy to see him again alive and well. I looked at her and moved to the side to deal with her bloody clothes that they have brought in while I was away. I took as much time as possible trying to be discreet so that I could give Dean some time to see her. He sat next to her where Cas was sitting while he explained to him that her healing would happen in stages. He looked at her closed eyes and I saw a smile forming on his lips. A satisfied...happy smile... Cas still working on the bullet he announced us he would go outside where the light was better because he couldn’t figure out a symbol and walked out. The sun was up by now and I thought that sooner or later I’d have to tell Jody so that she’d be prepared if Dean asked any questions. But while I was thinking about that my phone started ringing. Jody called first. I looked at the phone ringing for a few seconds and then I picked up.

“ Jody...” I said with a faint smile. My voice was still gruff and accompanied by a deep exhale. It was enough for Jody to understand that something wasn’t right.

“ Hey, Sam...Is everything alright?” She asked me confused and alarmed. I hesitated for a second thinking of what I should say. How I should say it. But there is no easy way to say it so...

“ No...(Y/N) was shot...” I said in a low deep voice.

“ WHAT?!” I heard Jody’s alarmed voice on the phone. “ Is she alright?...We’ll she be alright?” She wasn’t trying to keep her voice down so I assumed that Dean was still asleep and she didn’t have to hide what she was saying from him. And I couldn’t hear Charlie babbling at the backround so she must still be asleep too.

“ Yeah...” I said and a small relieved smile formed on my face. “ It’s gonna take some time but she’ll be fine...But she hasn’t woken up yet...We’re still at the hospital...” I explained. I heard her take a deep relieved breath.

“ Thank,God...” She said but the next think I heard made me stiffen and panic inside.

“ Is it Dad?...Can I speak to him?” I heard Dean’s excited voice in the backround. And then Jody trying to refuse but I knew that I’d have to talk to him sooner or later. And I’ve missed both him and Charlie. My mind was working fast on an excuse when I told Jody that it was ok and she could give him the phone. I also reassured her that I wasn’t planning on telling him. He was five years old! How could I ever tell him that Mom has been shot? And while I made that thought I felt so gratefull I wouldn’t have to tell him that Mom won’t be back. I felt a chill at the thought and looked at her and the monitor that beat with her every heartbeat as if I was waiting for something to happen right now. Like I’d lose her any second...But her heart was giving strong stable beats and her chest was moving calmly with every breath as I heard Dean’s voice on the phone and I felt my lips form a big smile.

“ Daaad!...I’ve missed you...When will you be back?” He said excited and I could hear the smile in his voice.

“ I’ve missed you too, buddy...We’ll be back in a few days...We just need to take care of something else that came up... How are you? Are you and Charlie having a good time with Jody?” I asked smiling.

“ Yeah!...It’s great...But I miss you and Mom...Can I talk to Mom too?” He aksed and I felt my muscles tighten and my smile fade but my mind had already worked on the excuse.

“ No, Buddy...I’m afraid not...Mom’s got a...sore throat and she can barely speak... She wants me to tell you she loves you both...” I said and the smile was restored in my face because she would tell them herself when we’d get home.

“ Tell her I love her too...” Dean said. “ And I love you too,Dad...”He added making my smile even bigger.

“ I love you too, buddy...” I answered in a soft and warm voice. “Tell Charlie we love her too...” I added just as Dean gave the phone back to Jody who reassured me that I didn’t have to worry about Dean and Charlie and that she’d take care of them. And I was so grateful for that. I thanked her and I reluctantly hang up. I put my phone back to my pocket and I moved close to her. I was about to sit next to her when I noticed something on her cheek. The small cut that had healed earlier was there again. I watched her skin tear on its own and the cut opening. I moved close to her and I leaned on her in a hurry and traced her skin under tha cut as gently as possible.

“ What?” Dean asked confused seeing my panicked and confused expression as my pulse was rising and I felt like I was sinking. He wasn’t paying attention when the cut reappeared and being at the other side of her bed he didn’t see it.

“ That cut...” I said gruffly and Dean looked at it startled that he hadn’t noticed it.

“ That wasn’t there before...” He said alarmed and looked at me for an explanation.

“ No, Because Cas healed it...” I said realising what was going on. I straightened up with a sudden move. “Whatever he did is reversing...” I explained as my voice got gruffer and deeper. “She’s dying...” I said looking at Dean desperate and scared and he looked back at me suprised and scared. I started moving towards the door but he stopped me.

“ No!” He said gruffly. “ I’ll go find Cas...You stay with her...” He said I nodded and headed towards the door fast. I started pacing next to her unable to sit in one place...unable to take my eyes off her... And once again I felt helpless and scared...I’m losing her again... I sat next to her at some point and brushed her hand. She didn’t respond. Not even a tiny movement...But when Cas healed her. She moved her fingers...weakly...But she did move them. I swallowed hard and took a deep breath standing up again. My eyes locked on the small cut just as the door opened and Cas bursted in followed by Dean. Cas just rushed close to (Y/N) and checked her cheek.

“ Care to tell us too what the hell is going on?” Dean asked as confused and scared as I was. But as Cas was straightening up again all the urgency had left his movements. He just had a sad look on his face.

“ It’s the bullet...” He said gruffly looking at me. “ I deciphered most of the symbols... The markings in the bullet are a spell to prevent the wound from healing...In case the victim would survive the shot the markings in the bullet would guarantee death since the wound could never heal... And...” He hesitated and looked at me and then at Dean as we were both looking at him full of agony. “ The spell barrier that prevents the wounds from healing also traps her in her mind...She has no idea what’s going on...She’s probably lost in her memories or in a dream world or a combination of the two... So She can’t fight against the spell...She just slips more and more away from reality...” He explained with sad look on his face that made evrything inside me sink in pain.

“ That bitch!” Dean yelled in an unusually gruff voice. She really did make sure that (Y/N) wouldn’t make it. I tried to keep my mind together as I felt my eyes burn with tears.

“ What does that mean, Cas?” I asked looking at him desperate.

“ It’s up to us... We need to break the spell and soon...” Cas said.

“ I’ll call, Sia...” I heard Dean’s gruff voice from behind. I heard Cas’ voice as if it was coming from far away.

“ I can heal her every few hours to buy us some time...” He said as I was looking at her. I felt the pain spread through my chest again. We were back were we started. The woman I loved was dying. I was losing her...The pain in mychest spread rapidly to my whole body and I felt I wanted to scream again... _I love you...so much..._ my mind said to her in a broken voice as I opened my mouth determined to bring her back...

“ I’ll search every damn book we have!”

**Your point of view**

It was sunny outside. A great day to take Dean and Charlie out for a walk. Having all eaten breakfast and after you nursed Charlie you were getting your two month old baby girl ready as Sam was helping Dean with his shirt. You had to dress warm cause it was still cold outside even though it was sunny. When you were done you met them downstairs in the living room.

“ Ready?” Sam asked you with a smile.

“ Yes...” You replied with a smile too. He moved close to you and took Charlie from your arms to put her in her stroller. You gently passed her to him and he leaned to plant a loving kiss on your head. You closed your eyes with a content smile. He pulled back and you turned to Dean. You helped him put on his jacket. Sam put Charlie on her stroller and you all headed for the door. You pushed Charlie as Sam was taking Dean on his arms.

“ Mom, Dad, can we take my bike too?” Dean asked looking at both of you waiting for your answer.

“ Sure, Buddy...” Sam said with a smile.

“ But you won’t go too far,ok?” You advised him.

“ Yes, Mom...” He smiled to you and walked outside with Sam to get the bike. You checked one last time to make sure you had everything you’d need. You felt like you were forgetting something though. But it didn’t seem to have anything to do with your walk. Moments later Dean run back in the house heading upstairs followed by a chuckling Sam.

“ He forgot to go to the bathroom...” He answered to your confused look. You chuckled too. You reminded him to go to the bathroom before you leave at least three times. Sam leaned and fixed Charlie’s blanket and seconds later you saw Dean coming back down.

“ Did you wash your hands?” You asked him smiling.

“ Yes, Mom...” He answered and he walked out with a smiling Sam. You smiled looking at them. You loved them all so much. That’s what it means reality being better than your dreams...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on September 12 or 13... :-)


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trying to bring (Y/N) back...

**Sam’s point of view**

We’ve been searching for hours. Nothing so far. Sia had run to search her mother’s stuff for anything that could lead us to a counter spell or anything like that .Maybe something to weaken the barrier so that Cas could heal her. But that would most likely be a temporary solution. Still it would buy us some time. Apparently those bullets were her mother’s creation and Sia had found only three more so far. Which was discouraging to say the least. Sia also said she didn’t recognise most of these symbols and it got me thinking that we were lucky that we were still alive... all of us... Cause (Y/N) was still there and I was next to her having brought the books from the car inside. Sitting next to her I monitored her weak but steady breathing... Cas was also next to her searching in the books too. He was trying to heal her every hour when the cut on her cheek reappeared. But soon that time decreased to half an hour and now he could barely leave her side. Dean was outside the room speaking with Sia as she was trying to find something. He was trying to keep quiet so that he wouldn’t disturb her but I doubted there was any point to it. I doubted she even realised we were there or that she was dying...or how the crushing pain in my chest intensified every time the cut on her cheek reappeared. We stayed up the whole night. I could feel my eyes burn and ache but I couldn’t stop searching. Neither could Dean...Or Cas... I could see the early morning light from the window when my eyes were burning to the point I couldn’t see. I rubbed them with my fingers when I saw the cut reappear on her cheek and I closed my eyes trying to deal with my pain and my desperation... Cas who was sitting next to her too lifted his head from the book and got up. He took a deep breath and leaned on her once more that night and pressed his hand on her head. I saw the cut light up and disappear like I had more times than I cared to count that night. Cas pulled back again. Dean’s voice was disappearing in the background as he was talking to Sia who called to say that she found something new. He went outside to speak to her but neither he nor me had our hopes up. I brushed my aching eyes again.

“ I’ll get you some coffee...” Cas’ gruff voice reached my ears. I nodded and I tried to return to the heavy book that was open on my lap but my vision blurred from exhaustion. I forced my eyes to focus but it was useless. I still couldn’t make out the words...Unwillingly I decided to take a break as I would wait for Cas to come back... I looked at her again. This time taking my time. My eyes run from her eyes to her lips to her hair on the cushion...to her shoulders...to her chest. Moving up and down so slightly but still steadily. The only think I could hear now was the clock ticking on the wall. I tried to focus a little more and I could hear the air coming in and out with her breathing...Vaguely... I exhaled deeply and closed my eyes for a few seconds before opening them again and gently reaching for her hand. It was colder than usual. My thumb run slow circles on the back of her hand and I burried my face in my hand again. I was feeling like I would pass out from exhaustion but at the same time I couldn’t. And at the same time I was longing for the hand I was holding to hold **me**... Like she always did when I couldn’t sleep. Holding me...running soothing circles on my neck...I felt the chocking sensation again and I opened my eyes raising my head. I took a deep breath as I felt my eyes get wet and my mind travelled back when the roles were reversed...When I was lying on a hospital bed and she was sitting next to me...I was just shot in the arm and we already knew that I’d be fine...but she got scared...And I remember her holding my hand and crying the whole night...because she got scared...And I was so scared for her right now... My mind got crouded with memories...The first time we kissed...Actually kissed...She kissed me...That time she cried in my arms because she didn’t want to lose me, that time I told her that maybe this was a mistake...How I wanted her to wake up and remind her how stupid I was that night...To tell her how much I loved her and our kids... When I found out she was pregnant, when she walked down the aisle, when she first held Dean, when she first held Charlie...Her eyes were so wet... unable to speak...the first time I told her I loved her, The first time she told me she loved me...The last time she told me she loved me...The fading smile on her face... I felt I was being stabbed. The pain in my chest had become unbearable again and it was spreading to the point it got physical... I felt a tear leave my eyes before I could stop it... I hoped she heard me when I told her I loved her too... I leaned on her and pressed my lips on her forehead in a loving intense kiss. I was sitting back when the door opened again.

“ Nothing...” Dean’s gruff disappointed voice echoed in the room. “She managed to explain some of the symbols but there are no counter spells for them...Not to her knowledge...” He explained. I nodded and I pretended to brush my eyes so that I could wipe the tears. “ Where is Cas?” He asked realising that Cas wasn’t in the room.

“ He went to get me some coffee...” I explained looking at Dean briefly. Dean nodded and spoke again.

“ I don’t think we’re gonna find anything here...” He said pointing at the open book on my lap. “We need to go back to the bunker...” He said and I knew he was right. And although I knew I had to go it felt so hard to leave her side. “ I found her notes on the entrance spell in the car...It shouldn’t be difficult with the ingredients we picked up.” Dean continued.

“ Yeah...” I agreed and got up letting her hand go. “ Cas has to stay here...” I started saying mostly talking to myself. “He has to heal her at least once an hour...” Dean nodded as Cas walked in again holding coffee for both of us. I explained to him that we’d have to go to the bunker to search the books there. Because if there was anything we could find it would be there. He nodded and reassured both me and Dean that he’d take care of (Y/N) and he’d call if anything happens or if he needs to heal her sooner than expected. In other words if we were running out of time... But It already felt like we were running out of time...Dean looked at her with a very serious expression at first and then one side of his mouth lifted into a small melancholic smile. He nodded to her ever so slightly and he walked to the door taking a brief look at me. He opened the door and walked outside leaving the door open for me to follow. I looked at her too. The pain was spreading through my chest again. And once more I felt I could barely stand it. Once again I was screaming internally. But all I did was lean and press my lips on her forehead in a loving kiss that was surprisingly painfull. I felt the urge to just stay there. Not leave her side. Again feeling that if I left she would be gone. But I pulled back as the cut on her cheek made its appearance again slicing her skin. I took a deep breath and headed to the door as Cas put his two fingers on her forehead to heal her again...

During the ride both me and Dean were very silent. The weight of what was going on was crushing us both. I could see his clenched jaw and I was sure he was trying to find a way to get back to that demon. Get that deal over with. I wasn’t sure what I should do. I wasn’t sure if there was any point in delaying to make that deal myself. After all that was the plan...She lives, I die... But even if I did that I knew I wouldn’t stay dead for long. Cause either she or Dean would do something stupid to bring me back. I think it would be Dean. Because he wouldn’t let her find out that I would have been gone until after he would have brought me back. Until there was nothing she could do. But then again...she was always reading Dean like an open book... She could take a look at him and figure out what was going on... And that wasn’t just with Dean...There were times I knew she understood way more than I said and she only chose not to show it because she probably knew I wasn’t ready to say it...I took a deep breath again shaking the thought away trying to reduce the pain in my chest. I was eager to do something to keep me from thinking. I felt great relief when we finally got to the bunker and we started working on the spell to get in. My mind was working and I finally felt after hours that I was actually doing someting that would help... Dean was right. With the ingredients we picked up it wasn’t difficult to cast the spell. The door opened with a bang when we cast the spell. Dean hesitated for a second. So did I. It’s been a really long time since the last time I was here... After a few seconds I walked in and I felt like the whole place was crushing me. All the memories... And I felt the crushing pain again spread from my chest to every inch of my body...I shook my head and came back to the present as Dean’s expressionless face moved slowly next to me and went down the stairs. I followed.

“ I’ll make coffee...” I announced in a deep tired voice after a few seconds that we both spend looking around in silence.

“ Yeah...” Dean answered gruffly still looking around him. I went to the kitchen and started making coffee. A small smile formed on my face when I walked in. I haven’t been here since she was pregnant with Dean... I remembered her big round belly... The way she was smiling evry time she was stroking...Every time I was stroking it...The smile slowly disappeared. What would I say to Dean today? I’ve missed both him and Charlie but I couldn’t go see them now. Because I had to bring mom back...And because they would understand from my face that something was way off... I had to call soon though because I didn’t want Dean to think we were too busy for him... In his mind we were working...And I didn’t want him to get upset and scared...(Y/N) wouldn’t want that either...And of course I had to tell Jody... After making coffee for both me and Dean I walked back outside to the library. Dean’s bag was on the table. But he wasn’t there. I assumed he probably visited the bathroom. I left the coffee on the table and started searching in the library for anything that could help. A few moments later Dean walked in looking a little confused.

“ Your coffee is right there...” I said pointing at the two cups on the table and then I turned around to get a book from the self ( _Symbols in spells and counter spells vol.3_ ).

“ Thanks...” He said and took the cup and had a sip. “ Can I ask you something?” He asked still a little confused after he swallowed.

“ Yeah...” I said a little puzzled.

“ Some of my stuff are missing...Any idea where they are?” He asked still confused but his tone wasn’t critical.

“ Ah...Yeah...” I said and nodded. “(Y/N) took some of your things when we moved...I should have given them back to you when you came back...” I said to him.

“ No...It’s ok...I was just wondering what happened to them...” He explained and took another sip from his coffee before heading to the library too. He brought back a few books as I sat down and opened the one I had brought. He sat opposite from me. “ Just like old times...” He stated gruffly without smiling as he was opening the book. I nodded slightly.

“ Trying to save someone dying...” I said in a deep gruff voice. He smiled a painful and melancholic smile.

“ I just hoped it would never be (Y/N)...” He added after a small pause. I swallowed hard and nodded.

“ So did I...” I said gruffly and I knew that if I tried to say another word my voice wouldn’t come out. I looked at him and he looked back at me and we both saw the weight of years of struggling and suffering reflecting in each other’s eyes before we burried our noses in the books to get to something.

A few minutes later I took a break to call Jody so that I could talk to Dean and inform Jody. Finally I decided to keep the same excuse I used the last time. That (Y/N) had a sore throat. I could probably use this excuse for one more day. I hoped I wouldn’t have to. But I doubted I had that long anyway. Jody told me that Dean has been asking for both of us when he went to sleep and Charlie was restless. I told her what was going on and I heard her voice go cold but still trying to control any emotion cause Dean was next to her playing. She reassured me again that she would take care of Dean and Charlie and that I didn’t have to worry. It was reassuring and comforting to now that at least Dean and Charlie would be fine while I was trying to save Mom. After searching for hours we found a couple of spells that could break the barrier or at least weaken it and now we had to go back and try them. So we took the books with us and after taking a last look at the place we got in the car and drove back to the hospital with our eyes red and aching from the lack of sleep. We took turns driving so that we could get some sleep. Dean drove first while I closed my eyes trying to drift off. Although I could barely keep my eyes open I couldn’t really fall asleep. My mind was producing images that they were vivid like dreams but were mostly memories but I still knew that I was in the car and I was still in control of my muscles. Finally when it was time to change places with Dean I was sick of trying to sleep and welcomed the change. I sat on the wheel as Dean took shotgun. He crossed his arms across his chest and closed his eyes resting his head against the window. His face was expressionless but his eyes had some tension that made it difficult for me to understand whether he was actually sleeping or just resting. By the time we were close to the hospital he opened his eyes and brushed them slightly before sitting up again fully aware of where we were. I parked the car and we both carried the books and the ingredients inside observed by curious and creeped out nurses. We paid no attention to them and we entered (Y/N)’s room.

“Hey...” I greeted Cas as we both walked in. “ How is she?” I rushed to ask as I was putting down the books I was carrying.

“ Same...” Cas answered and reached to heal the cut that had just reappeared on her cheek. I nodded as Dean was putting down the books and the ingredients he was carrying too. “ Found anything?” Cas asked worried.

“ Yeah...” Dean answered breathless. More optimistic now. I was feeling more optimistic too. “ Where do we start?...” He asked turning to look at me.

“ I’ll prepare the first spell and you prepare the second one...” I said. “ So we can save time...” I explained. That way we could cast the spells one after another with just a few seconds of each other. Saving time if the first one or both of them wouldn’t work. Dean nodded and we both took a book in our hands and we started working on those spells. When we were done I casted the spell first. It was the most comlicated one so I had high hopes. Her face twiched a little and then nothing. I looked at Dean who returned my confused and worried look and then we both looked at Cas waiting for an answer. Cas put his fingers on her forehead and tried to heal her again. He looked back at us shaking his head negatively.

“ The barrier is still there...” He informed us disappointed. I exhaled deeply in frustration.

“ My turn...” Dean said and looked at the book to read the words to cast the spell. When he was done for a few moments nothing happened and then... “ Guys...!” Dean said not sure whether he should be alarmed or not. Something was glowing from her chest. It was like it was under her clothes but soon I realised it was under her skin as the glowing started spreading. We both stood up watching as the glow spread to her whole body. I could hear my heart in my ears and I could feel it in my hands that were now clenched in fists. I took a deep breath as her whole body glowed for a few more seconds and then suddenly it came all the way back to her chest and disappeared. Before I had the chance to even turn my head to look at Cas some sort of force pushed out from where the glow disappeared and I was smashed against the wall behind me! I hit my ribs! I got up again shocked feeling a little dizzy and growling in pain. I looked at her. The cut on her cheek was back and bleeding. I looked around in panic thinking that I made things worse and I saw Cas getting up from being smashed to the opposite wall and Dean supporting himself at the door with a thin stream of blood coming from the corner of his mouth. He turned to look at her panicked too and he saw what I saw. Cas got up and moved close to her and tried to heal her as I was watching unable to breathe. I saw the cut closing again and I my heartbeat was hard and fast in agony until Cas turned and looked at me and Dean with a disappointed look on his face.

“ It didn’t work...” He announced gruffly. I felt something sinking inside me and I let my head fall back desperate and frustrated as my eyes got wet.

“ Dammit!” I wispered as I let my head fall in front of me and my hair covered my eyes. Dean was brushing his eyes trying to think and Cas was looking at (Y/N) worried and disappointed. Before we could say another word to each other we heard a knock on the door.

“ Hey, guys...It’s Matt...” Matt said from the other side of the door.

“ Come in...” I said throwing myself in a chair next to her. He slowly and silently opened the door as if he didn’t want to wake her up. But she wouldn’t wake up no matter what he did. He walked in with his crutches. And I just remembered he had been shot too only his was a regular bullet.

“ How is she?” He asked with a gentle voice tilting his head towards her after throwing himself on a chair.

“ Same...” Cas answered with a deep breath.

“ How are you?” I asked turning my eyes away from her to look at him.

“ I’ll survive...” He said with a small chuckle but it was a very painfull statement at that moment. He understood that and rushed to change the subject. “ The sheriff had to go back to his wife...She was asking too many questions... He’ll come to visit tomorrow most likely...” He said with a gentle smile.

“ Any news from Sia?” I asked turning to look at him. I already knew the answer. Someone would have called if there were any news. But still I had to ask.

“ No...she had to go back to her daughter...She’s been away for too long...” He explained and we all looked at him surprised and confused.

“ She has a daughter?” Dean asked expressing the question we all had in mind.

“ Yeah...” Matt replied like he was saying the most natural thing in the world. “ I’m surprised you guys don’t know...(Y/N) knew...” He explained and I felt like someone punched my stomach harder than ever before. _Knew_...past tense. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes briefly trying to control my pain and desperation.

“ Knows...” Dean corrected him in a gruff but calm voice.

“ I didn’t mean...” Matt started explaining in a gentle voice embarrassed and full of guilt.

“ We know...” I reassured him although that made no difference to my pain. Matt took a deep breath looking at (Y/N) and I realised how hard this was for him too. They’ve worked together for years too and he was always there to help her when she was pregnant. Dean patted his back in sympathy.

“ Maybe you should head home, Matt...” I said in a calm gentle voice after a small pause. “ You need to rest your leg...” I continued.

“ Yeah...” He said nodding a little distracted. He walked to the door and put his hand on the handle before turning to look at us again. “Somewhere inside she is fighting this... She won’t give up that easily...” He said trying to be reassuring. I offered him a small smile although I knew that the one thing she wasn’t doing was fighting. She was slipping away trying to keep something that seemed real having no idea that it was not. She was giving up and she didn’t even know. Matt opened the door and walked outside. I raised my head to look at Dean and Cas and ask what the hell we can do now but I was surprised to see Dean’s eyes narrowed looking at (Y/N). I knew that look but he turned to look at me before I could ask.

“ What if she’s the only one that can fight this....?” He asked looking at me.

“ What do you mean...?” I asked narrowing my eyes too.

“ She doesn’t know what’s going on...But if we tip her off...” He said with a small smile and a light of hope in his eyes. “ Maybe she can fight this from the inside...” He said and I realised what he was saying. Someone had to go inside her head and tell her that...well...she was dying... The word brought chills down my spine. But still that was a long shot...

“ How are we supposed to do that...?” Dean opened his mouth to answer but I interrrupted him. “ No...I know...There are a lot of ways to get into her head I get that... But what are the chances they’ll go through the barrier...And even if they do...She may not be able to fight this...” I said trying to think reasonably despite my panic and my desperate need for this to work.

“ Actually that could work...” Cas said looking at me and Dean thinking about the posibility. “ The barrier actually keeps outside any spell or interaction that could help her heal...If we use a spell to get in her mind we are not attacking the barrier and we’re not trying to heal her so the spell might actually make it past the barrier...” Cas explained.

“ Yeah , but...” I objected. “ If it does make it through the barrier won’t come back unless (Y/N) wakes up...” I said.

“ Got any better ideas?” Dean asked me already knowing the answer. Only one...And I promised her that it would be the last resort... And since there was still this option...

“ I’ll do it...” I said looking at her knowing that I’d do anything to bring her back. Determined to bring her back!

“ No...” Dean’s calm voice objected. “ We don’t know how long this will take... And Dean would need to speak to you at least...” I thought about it for a second. He was right. Right now Dean was only talking to me and he already missed his Mom like hell and he already suspected that something was up. What would happen if he wouldn’t hear from me either. I din’t like the idea of Dean going in but I knew that Dean needed me. Even if it was just to hear my voice. To reassure him that everything was fine... I nodded with a tight pain in my chest. Dean nodded too.

“ Let’s find a damn spell...” I said gruffly and I rushed to the books we had there. It didn’t take long for us to find a spell powerfull enough to sent Dean inside (Y/N)’s head. I actually found it in one of her books as Cas was healing her once more to buy us some more time. We prepared the ingredients and all that was left now was to cast the spell. I raised my head from the bowl that we had all the ingredients in. I looked at (Y/N) who was still lying unresponsive like she did for the past day...I watched her chest move up and down...steady but still weak... I took a deep breath closing my eyes briefly...Worried about her...and my brother...

“ Ok...It’s time...” Dean said mostly talking to himself moving close to the couch on the other side of the room. It was a small couch but it was comfortable enough for him to lie down for this. I followed him and Cas followed too. He looked at the couch and then turned to look at me. He smiled to me determined and pulled me in for a hug. I was surprised for a second but soon I hugged him back. It was like he was trying to say something like _Don’t worry_ and _everything we’ll be allright_ but he didn’t have to say the words. He patted my back twice and I patted his back too with a hard intense move before pulling back. Cas smiled to him gently and he smiled back reasuringly. He took a deep breath and looked briefly at (Y/N) before lying on the couch. He made himself comfortable and with a serious and determined expression he closed his eyes. I performed the spell next to him and I saw his eyes slowly relax and his hand fell on his side. He was gone... I put his hand back on the couch and looked back at (Y/N) with a tight feeling in my chest. I’ll see them both soon... I reassured me...And now all I could do was wait...

**Your point of view**

“ Are you alright...?” Sam’s voice reached your ears from Dean’s room as you were leaning over the toilet once more.

“ Fine...” It was the only word you got to say before you threw up again.

“ I’ll be right there...” He said loudly again so you could hear him before turning to Dean to help him get dressed for school. You got up and moved to the stairs. It was afternoon. Sam should be back from work soon.

“ Hi, baby...” Dean greeted your swollen belly. You smiled to him as he was sitting on the couch watching tv. You moved to sit on the couch with him. Charlie was yawning in your arms as Dean was playing with his Dad on the floor. You moved to sit down with them. And Dean was taking his first steps heading from Sam to you. You opened your arms excited and full of love and you looked at Sam’s excited and loving eyes. He smiled widely at you and he got up to sit on the couch as Dean was sleeping in his arms. You had just taken Charlie upstairs to her crib.

“ I think it’s time for bed...” He chuckled in a low voice. He got up and headed upstairs carrying Dean to his bed. He came out of the kitchen holding his coffee and coffee for you too. You still had a little bit of time before both Dean and Charlie would wake up. He handed you your coffee and leaned to press his lips on yours in a loving kiss. He smiled to you and you smiled back to him before heading upstairs to get some sleep. You climbed on the bed and lied on his chest. He wrapped his arms around you protectively.

“ I love you...” He said and kissed the top of your head.

“ I love you too...” You said and you pulled back to let him get up and make breakfast and you got up too to help Dean get dressed for school before Charlie wakes up. You moved downstairs to find Sam holding Charlie who was yawning in his arms as Dean was watching tv. You sat next to them and Dean lied in your arms. You hugged him and reached with one hand to brush Charlie’s back Sam leaned and kissed the top of your head. You smiled content.

“ I love you...” You wispered as you were both lying on the couch. You woke up again and joined them on the couch. Sam was holding Charlie who was giggling as Dean was playing with his toy cars. You sat down after brushing Charlie’s tiny head and started playing with Dean too. You heard a knock on the door.

“ I’ll get it...” You said to Sam and got up to open the door. You saw a tall sillouette you knew all too well. He looked at you surprised and confused.

“ Dean...” You wispered breathlessly trying to understand what was going on as you realised you could see nothing behind him. It was all a white light that slowly swallowed him. “ No!” You yelled and reached to catch him as the white light was swallowing you too.

You opened your eyes. Your head was hitting the window slightly as the car was moving.Your body felt sore under his jacket. You probably got cold in your sleep and he covered you with it. You turned around to look at Dean driving next to you. He was looking in front of him holding the wheel tight. He seemed disoriented.

“ Hey...” You said and stretched waiting to hear his voice answering you stubbornly. But you got no answer and you turned to look at him again. He was still looking in front of him in a starnge way and of course he didn’t answer you.

“ Still mad at me...” You nodded in understanding and frustration. He turned to look at you and his eyes lingered on your face for a little longer than usual and you got scared that you’d crush before he turned to look at the road again with a serious but calm expression on his face. “ Fine...” You said in a firm tone and crossed your hands across your chest looking outside the window as the trees were moving fast in the night. He took a deep breath like he just decided in a course of action although you weren’t sure of what exactly.

“ You shouldn’t have come...” He said in an emotionless way. Like he was just repeating something he heard before. It gave you the impression that it lacked in stubborness and anger but you answered.

“ Dammit, Dean!...Sam said he needed help!” You snapped. “ It’s not even that difficult a case...” You said hurt. You knew you weren’t the best hunter in the world but you were good enough! You looked at him angrily and then you gave up and looked outside again shaking your head disappointed and hurt.

“ I’m not mad at you...” He answered and he sounded again like he was repeating something. But this time his voice had more emotion. You turned to look at him. “ I’m just worried about you...” He said again with even more emotion but still with this strange feeling that he was repeating something. “ I don’t wanna lose you...” He said again in the same tone.

“ I’m worried about you too...And I don’t want to lose you either...” You said with a calm and caring voice. You took a deep breath and smiled to him. “ I’ll be carefull...I promise...” You said and you thought his lips moved saying the words with you silently. How did he even know what you were about to say? You had this feeling like you’ve been through this before but you dismissed it as unimportant. You gave him the only reassurance you could. It wasn’t enough for him but it was better than nothing.

“ Ok...” He said in the same tone.

“ Are we good?” You asked in the same calm and caring voice.

“ Yeah, we’re good...” He answered you with a caring and reassuring smile. You smiled back at him. “ And when we come back we both need a good night sleep...”He looked at you briefly as he parked the car and you saw Sam standing next to his car waiting for you. Sam...You felt like everything around you stopped as you looked in his eyes. Your felt love spread from your chest to every inch of your body. Combined with pain as you started realising where you were and what was about to happen... Dean was putting the keys in his pocket when you felt tears running down your eyes. You were choking at the realisation.

“ You’re not gonna come back from this...are you?” You asked in a low and shaking voice as everything around you froze. Everything but Dean. There was a pause. Heavy silence before he gave you the answer you already knew.

“ No...” He said. His voice calm and gruff. You turned to look at him with your eyes wet. He was looking back at you waiting for something. You weren’t sure what. You turned to look at Sam again. And your memories started coming back in a coherent way. Dean, Charlie...Sam... The love you felt for them filling your chest to the point you felt like bursting. And still the pain for Dean’s death found space in there too. Enough to make your eyes wet. You lied back on your seat trying to figure out what was really going on. Your mind started working fast. You were stuck in the memory of the night that Dean died... And everything was now frozen...That means...

“ Non of this is real...” You wispered in panic! Something happened...What?...How did you even get here? What happened? Sam and your babies! Were they alright? You needed to get of there...Wherever there was! You needed to get back to Sam and your babies... But suddenly another realisation hit you...Trapped in your memories...Where you dead?...Your mind run to Dean and Charlie and then to Sam! You couldn’t be dead! You couldn’t! And then it hit you again... You couldn’t remember how you died...You couldn’t even determine what your last memory was...You couldn’t be dead! Something else was going on...You got the door handle and attempted to open the door and walk out but Dean got your wrist before you could. You turned to look at him shocked.

“ You’re not dead...” He told you in a serious tone reading your mind.

“ What do you know...”You said paying no attention to him. “You’re just a fragment of my imagination...Like everything else...” You said biterly and you made another attempt to walk out but he stopped you again.

“ No, I’m not...” He said and his expression was serious and detrmined.You just looked at him speachless. You were trying to decide whether that was really Dean or whether that was just another illusion. But what he said next was very convincing. “ I came to help you...” He said trying to decide wether he was using the right words. “ Thing is we’re trapped inside your head...” He explained in a worried voice. “Sam is out there trying to find a way to save you...But you need to fight this...You need to get out of here...” He said like he was trying to convince you of the necesssity to get out of here. But you understood you had to go back. You nodded although still in shock to reassure him that you understood what was going on.

“ Are Sam and the kids alright?” You asked the most pressing question you had in mind. You didn’t know what happened but you knew it wasn’t good. And you needed to know if the man you loved and your babies were fine. You didn’t have to ask about him. He was with you. At least so far you knew he was alright!

“ Yeah...they’re fine...” He rushed to answer you and you felt sweet relief spread through your chest before urgency took over.

“ So how do I fight this?” You rushed to ask still feeling shocked. “How do we get out of here...?” You asked Dean putting aside other questions like what was this or why you were in this in the first place.

“ I don’t know...” He said in a low and deep voice disappointed and tired.

“ What do you mean you don’t know? You said you were here to help!” You looked at him feeling that you were panicking now.

“ (Y/N)...You’re not dead...but you’re dying!” He told you trying to get through your panic so you could listen to him. “ And you had no idea...You’re slipping away...You need to fight this...” He said looking straight into your eyes.You took a deep breath trying to swallow what was going on. You were dying! You were actually dying! Dean brushed his eyes as you felt something inside you sink as agony and panic started taking over you. What would happen to Dean and Charlie...What about Sam?...What about Dean...?...You took a deep breath trying to think reasonably! What would you do now?

“ How much time?” You asked trying to sound calm.

“ I don’t know exactly...” He answered you gruffly. You turned to look at him waiting for something more specific. “ Not much...” He said to you and you could hear the worry and the agony in his voice...You felt your heart sink even more...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on September 30 or October 1st... :-)


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trapped in memories...

**Your point of view**

You got out of the car in an attempt to calm yourself down and start thinking straight. You were expecting to feel the cool air hit your face. But a moment later you wondered why you were expecting that. Non of this was real. Everything was standing still nothing was moving. So why should there be any air? Dean got out of the car too. You knew he wouldn’t let you take your time for much longer. And he would be right. You didn’t have time. You looked at Sam trying to force your mind to work. He was staring bluntly at the car... Behind him there was a house you knew all too well. It hunted your dreams...

“ Any ideas?” Dean asked gruffly looking around him. He seemed calm given the memory he found himself in. You shook your head negatively. You looked at Dean who turned his head to look at you. You were frowing trying to think of something. Cause this was **your** head. **You** would find the exit. And somewhere inside you should know where it was or at least how to find it.

“ No...” You shook your head negatively with a wisper. Your eyebrows were closer together now as you were concentrating even more. You looked around too. You didn’t know what you were looking for. Probably anything out of the ordinary. Anything that could lead you to an exit. But all you could see was trees still as statues although you remembered the wind was slightly blowing that night making you feel even colder inside. The road was sparkling a little. It probably had rained a few hours before you and Dean got there. And everything looked exactly as you remembered it. The road seemed vast from either side.

“ Maybe we should follow the road...” Dean suggested.

“ No...” You shook your head again. “ It will lead us only as far as I remember and then it will disappear...” You said imagining a road ending and vast darknesss lying in front of you.

“ Roads lead somewhere...” Dean argued looking at either side of the road.

“ Not this one...” You said in a cold voice looking straight into his eyes. “ This one has led us where it was supposed to...” You said answering Dean’s unspoken question. You looked at the house behind Sam. It took Dean a moment to understand what you meant. There was a moment of silence. He was looking at you. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know if you wanted to hear anything. He was just trying to understand how you were processing it so he’d know how to react. And once again you were surprised that he looked slightly uncomfortable but not otherwise bothered by the setting. You thought that maybe that was because he was too aware that this wasn’t real. Or maybe because he went through it so many times... You looked at the road again and something came to mind. “ Maybe you have a point...” You said still thinking about your theory.

“ Great! Let’s follow the road!” He said gruffly satisfied you finally had a plan and he reached to open the car’s door.

“ No...Not the road...” You said still lost in your thoughts and he stopped to look at you trying to keep up with your thinking.

“ You said that roads lead somewhere...” You started explaining looking at him. “ It’s a symbolism...When people see a road... in a dream for example... they understand that they have to follow it...” You said with a small smile feeling that you were on to something. “ So when you’re in a dream...or in this case trapped in someone’s head...and you’re looking for an exit you’re most likely to look for...”

“... a door...” He completed your sentence with a small satisfied smile. You smiled back nodding.

“ Well...” Dean said and looked around. “ There’s only one door around here...” He said and his eyes locked on the door of the house behind Sam. You looked at the door too and you felt your heart tightening inside your chest.

“ I highly doubt that the first door will go through will get us out....” You said. You knew you’d have to go through that door. It was the only door around. And it would probably lead you to the exit sooner or later. But you hesitated. Cause when you’d step through that door...you’d probably find yourself in another memory. And you remembered every minute of it. You’ve seen it in your dreams again and again since then. But now you’d relive it. You’d see it happening again. You’d see Dean die again...And there was no way you could avoid it if you got to that memory. There was no way you couldn’t see or hear it happen... And it would be as real as it was then...And you found yourself hesitating...

“ This is the only door...” Dean said looking straight into your eyes. He understood what you were thinking. The memory didn’t make him hesitate at all. It still surprised you. But you looked at him...He was right...That was the only door around. And maybe the only way out...You closed your eyes and took a deep breath before nodding. You and Dean moved side by side walking past Sam who looked like a statue, you went through the awkwardly bent grass made that way from the wind that wasn’t blowing and you got to the door. You felt your hand trembling slightly as you held the door knob. You looked at Dean with your determined eyes and he looked back at you determined as well. You gave each other a small nod and you turned the door knob. It was pitch black inside and for a moment you weren’t so sure this was a good idea...But then you thought again that it was the only idea. You moved your leg to take a step into the darkness. You were planning for it to be an investigative spet but the moment your leg touched the darkness you felt like it consumed you and you felt falling without being able to see a damn thing around you. You screamed but your voice seemed to come to your ears from far away. The only thing you could feel was the terrifying rush of speed as gravity was dragging you to an unseen floor. But after a few seconds you felt your feet hitting something solid and you felt like you were out of balance and ready to fall down to the still unseen floor. You closed your eyes frightened until you felt you were on steady ground again. Everything was quiet. All you could hear was your shaking pant and a male pant somehwere close to you. In a matter of seconds you realised you could feel your legs your hands...everything...and nothing ached. You were fine. You opened your eyes turning your head to look at Dean panting next to you with his hands holding his knees.

“ Are you alright?” You asked breathless.

“ Yeah...yeah...I’m fine...” He answered you as both your breathing started to return to normal. “ Where are we?” He asked you raising his head to look around. But he was asking the wrong question. And he understood that when you both looked around. You both recognised Dean’s room instantly. The question wasn’t where but when... He looked at you trying to read your expression. It took you a few moments to recognise the memory. But then the door opened. Both you and Dean looked at it as if you were surprised it was there. When it opened you saw yourself stand at the door white as paper. Your eyes were a light red both inside and out. It was a strange feeling to watch your memories play in front of you instead of you being in them. But you assumed that was because you were aware of where you were now and your perception of what you saw changed. Dean was looking at the version of you at the door taken by surprise when he saw how sick and tired and hurt you looked.

“ Do you want some coffee...” Sam’s gruff and hurt voice sounded behind the door. He wasn’t really up for coffee. He was trying to hold both of you up. But that day he wouldn’t succeed no matter what he did. But you could hear in his voice both back them and now ( and so could Dean) that he didn’t have the courage to hold himself up and you that moment.

“ No...” Memory-you said in a low and weak voice. You remembered you wanted to say thanks but you didn’t have the emotional strength to say another word. Memory-you walked in and closed the door behind to an equally drained of strength Sam as you remembered under Dean’s shocked and worried eyes. Memory-you walked in with slow moves and sat on the bed. Her expression blunt, her eyes looking at something that wasn’t there. She was calm. But you remembered the turmoil that was really going on in your head. You haven’t realised you looked that awful. Not that it made any difference. But still what you looked outside was nothing compared to what was going on inside.

“ When was that?” Dean asked in a low voice and when you heard it you realised that you couldn’t take your eyes off memory-you since she opened that door.You understood by Dean’s tone that you didn’t have to answer. But you didn’t mind and your lips moved on their own.

“ After your funeral...” You said and your voice sounded gruff. Dean turned to look at memory-you again. You knew that to him what was seeing was not a memory. It was the woman he left behind going through so much pain because he was gone and he was just standing there unable to help her in any way. The sight was too real to him as it was too real to you. For a few moments all you could do was stare at memory-you who was looking at the wall without seeing it. Leaving no sound. Having no expression. But you’ve been through that. It was dead and gone... And you had to get out!

“ We should go through the door.” You said calmly in a determined tone.

“ Yeah...” Dean answered coming back to the present and the eight years older you. His eyes lingered a little more on memory-you and then he turned and followed you to the door as you held the handle and tried to open it. But it didn’t open.

“ It’s locked...” You said surprised. Dean looked at you confused. You stepped aside and he tried to open the door too. Nothing happened. He tried again. You looked at each other scared and confused. He took a few steps back and then slammed on the door with his shoulder to open it. Nothing happened. He went a little firther back and tried again. Once more nothing. He moved to the side as you held the handle with both hands and pulled towards you with all your strength. But nothing happened again.

“ Son of a bitch!” Dean yelled and his fist landed on the door with force. You tried to pull the handle once more till your hands ached. Again nothing.

“ We need to find another way...” You said breathlessly as memory-you started sobbing.

 

**Sam’s point of view**

I was pacing with my eyes aching from exhaustion. Looking at (Y/N) “sleeping” and then at my brother “ sleeping” too. I was cheking my watch every now and then. Taking loud deep breaths. Trying to think of what I should do. I hated this feeling of helplessness. There was nothing I could do. Not until Dean came back. But I had no idea how long I would have to wait till the moment I should get worried that what we did didn’t work. Cas was sitting next to (Y/N) getting up every now and then to ckeck on Dean. Nothing had changed in the past hour. And I wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. Cas suggested me to get some sleep but I couldn’t. I was exhausted but my eyes still felt like they just couldn’t shut for more than the amount of time needed to blink. So I was just pacing. Buying time to call and check on Dean and Charlie. Finally after two hours of pacing my legs started to ache so I decided to take a break sitting next to (Y/N)’s bed. I burried my head in my hand and brushed my aching eyes. And for that brief moment I found myself calling Dean to dinner as (Y/N) was putting the dishes on the table and Charlie was whining on her rocking chair to be fed. (Y/N) turned and looked at me.

“ Sam...” She said with a small smile. And a second later everything was gone and I haerd a defeaning voice next to me.

“ Sam...” I jerked surprised and scared out of sleep and pushed the hands that were holding me away ready for a fight until I realised that this was actually Cas.

“ What happened?” I asked looking around frantic. (Y/N), Dean...both fine.

“ You fell asleep...” Cas explained me in a gentle voice. “ You almost fell off the chair...” He informed me. I nodded covering my eyes with my palms brushing to take away the blurriness from sleep.

“ Thanks, Cas...” I said gruffly emerging again. Cas smiled to me gently.

“ I’ll get you some coffee...” He said after a small silence.

“ Thanks...” I said again and he walked towards the door. I got up and headed to check on Dean. Everything was fine. And then I sat next to (Y/N) again. Everything was fine there too. Or at least...Not worse than before. I took a deep breath but resisted the urge to burry my face in my hands again in case I’d fall asleep. And then I heard the door open. I turned my head towards it expecting to see Cas coming back with my coffee but instead I saw the doctor that had operated on (Y/N) . I looked at him startled.

“ Mr Winchester...” He greeted me.

“ Doctor...” I greeted him back.

“ I came to check on your wife...” He said moving close to her bed.

“ Yeah...of course...” I said and got up to give him space. I knew what he’d say. I wasn’t interested. But there was no point in refusing something that would take less than five minutes. I moved close to Dean watching the doctor take (Y/N)’s pulse.

“ What’s up with him?” The doctor asked reffering to Dean without looking at him. I didnt like his tone. I hesitated for a moment to answer looking at him suspiciously.

“ He’s sleeping...” I answered trying to sound casual looking closely as he was cheking the monitors next to (Y/N). And then he put his hand on her neck. He had already taken her pulse I thought. He smiled. But then I saw something that made me draw my knife, run towards him and grab his neck before he could do a damn thing. I slammed him to the wall choking him until I brought my other hand up and put the knife to his throat.

“ What the hell are you doing here?” I roared...

 

**Your point of view**

“ Still nothing...” You announced after searching the room for the fifth time. Dean burried his head between his knees trying to think as he was sitting on the floor next to the bed. Memory-you was crying silently now. You have searched again and again for a way out of the room. But there was nothing. Only the door. That was still locked the last time you tried. You sat on the bed disappointed and looked at memory-you with her back turned on you tremble slightly with every silent sob. You reached and tried to brush her back. As if you could take some of the pain away. But no surprise your hand walked right through her body. You smiled faintly and got up again ready for another round when you heard the handle turn. You looked at the door surprised. Dean jumped up and looked at the door too.

“ When it opens we jump out...” He said as you both moved closer to the door. The handle turned and the door opened up slightly.

“ (Y/N)...” Sam’s gruff and tired voice. Memory-you didn’t respond. Sam pushed the door a little more and he walked half in spotting memory-you on the bed. He was holding a plate with a sandwich on. He pushed the door wide open gently and walked in.

“ I thought maybe you’d like to eat something...” Sam said and you and Dean looked at each other for a moment before going through the door.

“ No, thanks...” The blunt, trembling voice of your memory faded away as the darkness swallowed you again and you felt once more like falling. When your feet hit the floor again and both you and Dean were trying to catch a breath you looked around to understand where and when you were. You were in Dean’s room again and for a moment you thought you were dragged back to the previous memory but then the door opened again before your breaths returned to normal. Memory- you busted in yelling followed by Sam who was also yelling.

“ We’re wasting time!” She yelled as the door closed behind Sam.

“ No we’re not! We’re not bringing him back (Y/N)!” Sam yelled.

“ I’m sure **you** won’t!” Memory- you yelled to hurt Sam. Dean was looking at the scene in front of him trying to understand where this was going. Sam hesitated for a moment trying to control his temper. Something memory-you clearly couldn’t do.

“ Fine...” He said finally in a calm voice. “ Go ahead! Trade your life, your soul...whatever the hell you want to bring him back...What do you think it’ll happen when he finds out...” He said looking straight at her eyes and his had already gotten wet. She hesitated.

“ Do you think...” Sam continued breathlessly. “ Do you think he can live with that? That he will ever forgive himself for that?” He said and memory-you sat on the bed defeated.

“ He will get into worse trouble to make things right...” She said and her eyes flooded. She let her head fall in front of her realising Sam was right. You saw Dean look at her with a small smile that you couldn’t quite understand. Maybe he thought memory-you and Sam were right. But you didn’t have time for this.

“ Cas is going to open the door any second now...” You told Dean. He nodded understanding what you meant and you both stood close to the door ready to walk into the darkness again. And once he did with his gentle eyes just as they were now you both stepped outside in a brief black fall before you found yourselves again in the same room.

“ Dammit!” You said. This whole door thing didn’t seem to get you anywhere. You were stuck reliving memories in the same room. This time memory-you was lying on the bed. No crying. No fighting. And as you remmebered well...no thinking...as much as possible.

“ I’ll try the door...” Dean said and walked to the door oepning it! You were surprised it wasn’t locked this time! Maybe you were getting somewhere after all. You walked out and you saw for a moment Dean looking once more at memory-you before getting lost in the darkness too...

 

**Sam’s point of view**

“ You’re making a mistake!” He told me frightened. He was playing it well. But I had no patience and if he hesitated one more minute to answer I would kill him.

“ Yeah, right...” I said sarcastically and pressed the knife harder on his throat.

“ Ok...ok...” He said immediately with a smile. “ I give up...” His eyes turned black just like they had when he was pretending to examine (Y/N). I didn’t relax my grip when the door opened and Cas walked in with my coffee but he dropped it sortly after seeing what was going on. He rushed close to me looking at the demon angry and confused.

“ What the hell is he doing here?” Cas asked. I turn my head and looked at the demon my expression demanding an answer.

“ I just thought that your brother might have changed his mind about that deal...” The demon continued with a small tilt of his head towards Dean. “ Given the fact that she is still dying...” He added enjoying the pain the statement caused me.

“ What deal?” Cas asked utterly confused.

“ Dean tried to make a deal...I’ll explain later...” I said in a hurry because I had a more pressing question in mind. I remembered what the demon had said to Dean. _“ But if...she is **not** fine...”_ I remembered the smile on her face. She knew “ Who else is here?” I roared again. It couldn’t be him. Cause if he was Cas would have seen him when he first came out of surgery.

“ Relax...Just a nurse...” He told me as if that would make me feel better and not slice his throat. Like it was ok to have a demon watch over (Y/N) like a vulture. “You Winchesters are...collectibles...” He said with a smile ignoring my knife slightly cutting his throat. “ Ouch...” He said and he continued. “ We don’t want to lose this great opportunity...I mean...A Winchester soul is a valuable thing to possess...” I didn’t know exactly what he was talking about and I didn’t want to find out. I was ready to kill him but he spoke again before I could. And I stopped because part of me wanted to listen. “ Since your bro is busy...Maybe **you’** d like to save your wife’s life...Think about it...She **does** have a couple of hours left after all...” He said sarcastically and opened his mouth getting away filling the room with black smoke for a few moments. I let the doctor down gently and Cas moved close to check on him. A few seconds later he opened his eyes again speaking in panic.

“ Where am I? What happened?!” He yelled.

“ You fainted...” I said in a gentle voice without paying attention to him. I was looking at Dean and then at (Y/N) having no idea what I was supposed to do...

 

**Your point of view**

After a run of a few more memories in Dean’s room , your room and one with your children you found yourself again in Dean’s room with the door locked once more and memory-you opening the darwer of the nightstand. You recognised the memory instantly. It was a very private and emotional moment. You sat on the floor with your back at the wall watching the scene in front of you waiting for something to happen so you could get out. Memory-you took a photo out of the drawer and looked at it. Her eyes got wet and soon flooded with tears. Dean was sitting somewhere close to you watching the scene in front of him like he was hypnotised. You had the feeling he forgot you were there. Memory-you was sobbing now. Letting it all out. You were trying back then. Your first tries to move on. To live again but...

“ It’s not easy...” She said breathlessly looking at the photo. “ I know I promised you...but it’s not easy...” She said again and her voice tailed down to a broken wisper. And then she just closed her eyes and two thick teardrops went down her cheeks. Her nose was red and her eyes swollen. It wasn’t the first time you cried that day. And for a long time there wasn’t a day that passed by without you crying at least once. You didn’t have to explain Dean what was going on. He already knew. It was him memory-you was talking to. With her eyes still closed she brought the photo to her chest close to her heart and held it there with both hands. And though she was crying and trembling her hands were steady.

“ I found a case...” Sam’s casual voice approached from outside and the door opened before you and Dean could react and closed behind Sam before you could do anything. Sam hesitated for a moment. But it didn’t take him mush to understand what was going on...He walked and sat next to memory-you. She let him see the photo and as you remembered you spend a lot of time just lost in your thoughts before Sam started talking about Dean. But this time it was like a movie on fastforward. Memory-you and Sam were moving really fast and you couldn’t hear a word they said. Until the pace started slowing down again and you heard Sam’s voice.

“ He always did that...” He chuckled looking at the photo.

“ He never listened to me when I told him not to...” Memory-you chuckled too between tears. And then there was silence. Dean was just watching. He already knew. You had already told him what happened after he died. But seeing it in front of him was different. Cause words like _it was hard_ and _it took a long time_ weren’t enough to make a picture. Now he didn’t need to make a picture. The picture was right in front of him. Sam let his head drop and a small tear left his eye too. She saw it and sniffed. Then she wiped her tears and patted Sam’s arm in a friendly gesture.

“ You said there was a case...” She said making an attempt to smile. And it was a smile full of pain. But also full of strength. To go on.

“ Yeah...” Sam answered too with a similar smile. Memory-you got up and you signaled Dean to get up too cause she was about to open the door and walk outside. You and Dean walked to the door along with memory-you and Sam and walked outside. The darkness covered you again and you found yourselves in the bunker’s library. Memory-you was reading completely lost in her book. You recognised the scene. It was after you and Sam got together. He was on a hunt at this point if you weren’t wrong. It didn’t matter now. You had to get out. And this was a good opportunity to head to the big door. Dean followed you without questions cause he understood what you had in mind. You both went up the stairs fast. You noticed Dean’s face was expressionless. He moved and opened the door. You were both relieved it was unlocked. He held it open for you and when you dived in the darkness again he followed you...

**Sam’s point of view**

While I was finishing the devil’s trap on the ceiling Cas was searching the whole hospital for the other demon. The doctor feeling dizzy and disorriented ofter being possessed thanked me and Cas for helping him and he took the day off. Moments after I was done with the warding too I heard the door open and Cas walked in again. For a moment I thought it was someone else and I really wasn’t in the mood to argue about the symbols on the walls. If anyone did come in though Cas would wipe their memory and they’d be on their way like nothing happened.

“ I found the demon...I took care of it...” He announced and then checked on Dean and then on (Y/N).“Everything is the same...” He told me. And I exhaled disappointed. I certainly didn’t wish for things to be worse. But they weren’t better either. I started pacing again running my hands through my hair trying to concentrate. Trying to think. I was still hesitating to call Jody and talk to Dean. I was hoping that maybe (Y/N) and Dean would be up any minute now. I wasn’t worried about Dean and Charlie. I knew that if anything was wrong Jody would have called me. But Dean’s voice echoed in my head asking for his mom. It was breaking me. How could I ever tell him that mom wouldn’t be back. I couldn’t even stand the thought of (Y/N) being gone. I felt the unbearable pain in my chest. Maybe this was it. Maybe I should make a deal. Maybe Dean had his chance and we were wrong. She can’t fight it. Or maybe she is fighting. Maybe se is trying. Maybe I should wait. When I told Cas that Dean tried to make a deal he understood what I was thinking. He told me that we still had time and that I should wait. And that’s what I did...Wait... After a few more minutes of this I was done waiting. I went back to the books and the spells and I tried to find another way. Anything...But like before nothing more came up. I did find a spell to wake up Dean though but Cas insisted we give him more time. And I agreed. And I returned to my research. My eyes still aching and the demon deal in the back of my head...

**Your point of view**

When you walked out of the bunker you found yourselves back in your home with Sam where memory-you was playing with baby Dean. You went through the door again and you found yourselves in a car where memory-you and memory-Dean stopped to grab a bite when you were searching for the angel. And when you walked out of the car you found yourselves in the park where memory-you was playing with Dean. Sam was at work you remembered. But it didn’t matter. There was no door around. Nowhere you could really go. Even if you searched for a door it wouldn’t help. You had no idea how long you’ve been trying to get out of there. And the only thing that changed since you got shot was the fact that you now knew you got shot.You walked and threw yourself on the bench feeling tired and frustrated. And worried...really worried... But not for you...Cause you doubted Sam would let you die...You knew he would delay making a deal as much as possible. But with Dean gone and you unresponsive you weren’t sure how much that was. And of course you were worried about Dean and Charlie. You couldn’t die! And neither Sam could die! You wanted them to have both of you! You had to get out! You yelled in frustration. Dean moved to sit next to you. He was surprisingly calm.

“ Don’t worry...We’ll figure this out...” He said but you could understand he wasn’t really believing it.

“ And what if we don’t...?” You yelled and your eyes got wet. Dean didn’t answer. He wasn’t looking at you. You let a few moments pass. You took a deep breath. And then you spoke to him again. “How was Sam doing?” Dean understood that the question was so you could determine how much you had left before Sam got completely desperate.

“ He...” He hesitated. “ He is not well...” He said finally. “ Don’t worry he won’t do anything until I come back...” He said but he couldn’t know that. He had a vague understanding of the time he was gone. “ I wouldn’t let him make the deal himself...” He said and something in his tone alarmed you. Your mind started working fast. He wouldn’t let him make the deal himself? Wouldn’t...Not won’t...Part of you was thinking how you were so stupid!

“ You’ve already tried...” You said in shock. Partly because it didn’t cross your mind. But if Sam was getting desperate Dean would have been there long before. Of course he tried! Because he didn’t give a damn about his life! But you did!

“ Yes...” He answered you plainly looking at you calm. There was some determination in his eyes.

“ Dammit, Dean!” You yelled! “ Just because you’re...” You started saying but he spoke again.

“ (Y/N)...” He said and his tone was calm the exact opposite of yours. And he made you stop. And listen. “ **I am** dying...” He said and his voice wasn’t loaded with emotion. And that scared you even more. He took a deep breath not sure how to say what he had in mind. “ I feel the pain in my chest every day...” He said and you suspected where this was going.

“ We’re gonna find a way...” You said. “ Once we get out of here...”You started saying but again he stopped you.

“ No you won’t...” He said and you looked at him feeling your eyes flooding. How could he say that! You hadn’t even tried! You would find a way! You thought and you were ready to yell at him to get it into his thick skull that you’d find a way but what he said next made your heart sink and you stopped. “ Not one I can live with...” He said and turned to look at you. Straight in the eyes. Your eyes flooded as you were desperately looking for something to tell him he is wrong. You couldn’t think of anything. And you were getting angry with yourself. He was just standing there so at peace with that but you weren’t! You weren’t!

“ Maybe we’ll find a way that no one has to die...or give his soul...or make a stupid deal...” You said mostly talking to yourself.Tears running down your eyes. He chuckled lightly. You knew that chuckle and it made your heart sink even more.

“ Maybe...” He said without looking at you. “ But keeping me here will come at a price...And I know that that price will put you and Sam or even Dean and Charlie in danger eventually...one way or another...” He turned to look at you. “ And you know it too...” He said. His eyes locked on yours. Penetrating your soul crushing you inside. You felt your heart breaking and more tears run down your eyes. Your breaths were shaking now but Dean was calm. The only thing that hurt him was that he saw you in pain.

“ So you just want us to let you go?”You asked with a trembling voice and your vision blurred with tears. You wanted him to see how outrageous what he was asking was but deep inside you knew he was right. But you weren’t ready to admit it just yet. If ever...

“ It wasn’t meant to last...” He said with a small smile without looking at you. “ We just thought it was...” He said and there was a small pause. You wanted to say something but you were feeling like you were choking. Your voice couldn’t get out. And he continued. This time with a big smile. “ But...I got to see you and Sam again...” He said and he offered you a happy smile. “ And meet Dean...” He chuckled childlishly. “ And Charlie...” He added looking at you.

“ But...” You started saying in a voice low as a wisper that broke as you opened your mouth. You blinked. More tears run down your eyes. More pain in your chest.

“ I know that neither you noe Sam...or Cas want me to die...” He said in a serious tone. “But I can’t live with the alternative...” He said and his voice was deep and gruff. For the first time since he started talking about this you saw a tear leave his eye. But a moment later it was accompanied by the proud, content smile you knew all too well. You were just looking into his eyes. Cause there was nothing you could say to that. You were letting your pain out. With more and more tears. You were thinking that if you survive this you’d find a way. But somewhere you knew that there wasn’t a way he could live with. And a deep pain so familiar spread from your chest to the rest of your body. “ It’s time...” He added with the same smile. Time to let him go. But you didn’t want to! You didn’t want to! He came back! He had to stay! He had to live....But he couldn’t _live with the alternative_... You felt like you were crushed inside. And you couldn’t stop your tears. But you knew that you wouldn’t keep him there because **You** didn’t want him to die. Cause wether you wanted to admit it or not. He **was** right! There was nothing you could do that wouldn’t end in a bad way for all of you. No matter how much you searched. Keeping him alive would have a high prize that you would pay sooner or later. And you knew that Dean couldn’t stand that. He couldn’t live with that! And if you were in his place you wouldn’t want it either...And you were in his place! And you didn’t want him or Sam or anyone else to do anything stupid to save you! And if he had to die! He wouldn’t die saving you! He would go when the time comes and after both you and Sam would say goodbye and how much you loved him! And not a minute before! Last time neither of you got that chance. He was gone before you could tell him how much you loved him. That you’d miss him...Anything that would account for a goodbye. Cause the last thing you said to him was in the car that you both needed to get some good sleep. And that wasn’t nerly enough! After a few moments of silent crying you turned to look at him again.

“ At least this time I can say goodbye...” You said trying to form a smile but it was too painful. He did smile though and he nodded to you with the same proud smile. “ But first I need to get out of here!” You said and you got up not sure why. The only thing you knew was that you’d make it back! Before Sam or Dean or anyone else does something you couldn’t live with! But the moment you got up Dean disappeared as everything else around you. And you were at the bottom of the sea. The surface was barely visible and you couldn’t breathe. You needed to get there! You had to get there! You had to get to Sam and your children and Dean! You were swimming with all your strength. You were feeling the air going. You were drowning. You tried to breathe cause you couldn’t hold back any longer. You lfelt your lungs fill with water. That was it! This was the end! You were dying!

“(Y/N)!” You heard Sam’s worried voice coming from far away. From the surface! That was still too far away! And the darkness that was coming from underneath to swallow you! You tried to scream his name to ask for help. Only a few more seconds till the darkness reaches you. His voice echoed in your ears again.You made a last attempt to swim. As fast as you could. It was so close now. But so was the darkness. You reached with your hand for the surface the moment the darkness reached your feet. You made one last try to get your head out. To breathe! And the moment your head touched the surface...

You opened your eyes breathing heavily. You couldn’t see. Everything was blurry! You were slightly dizzy! Someone’s hands were holding you! A terrible pain on your side.

“(Y/N), Are you alright?” You heard Sam’s gruff panicked voice.His arms were holding you. And for the first time in what felt like a really long time you felt safe and warm. You moaned in pain and you let two teardrops clear your vision.

“ I’m fine...I’m fine...” You wispered to him. Realising you were sitting on the bed. You weren’t lying down. The pain on your side was terrible and you felt blood run from a cut on your cheek. But you didn’t care right now. Your eyes met Sam’s wet eyes and mouth open in agony. You moved your hands and wrapped them around his neck and you rested your whole weight on him. “ I’m fine...” You wispered once more with a small smile. And you felt Sam wrap his arms around you. And you felt him relax although holding you tight. He was crying with relief. He kissed your neck. And you let yourself go feeling safe and warm in his arms. Thinking how much you loved him... You saw Dean smile to you a little dizzy from the spell he used to get in your head. He was sitting on a couch in this hospital room. He probably woke up a few minutes before you. Cas was checking on him... You remembered what he said to you. You remembered everything! And you still felt the crushing pain inside...Could he have said that to get you out? You highly doubted it...He was being completely honest with you...New tears left your eyes... Sam would feel the crushing pain you were feeling too...He would tell him sooner or later... Sam would lose his brother again... You burried yourself in his neck thinking that you didn’t want to see the man you loved in pain again...Your mind started flooding with thoughts... Should you talk to Dean?...Was there any point to it?...

“ You need to get some rest after I heal you...” Cas said. You opened your eyes getting out of Saam’s arms unwillingly. You lied down still trying to put your thoughts in order when Cas placed his hand on your head to heal you...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on October 15...:-)


	51. Chapter 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After waking up...

The moment Cas healed you you felt a sharp pain on your side and a burning sensation on your cheek where you noticed the bleeding cut was when you woke up. When Cas was done you were feeling better...lighter... Like your body was really heavy before but now it felt better. But that feeling also made you feel a little out of balance and as a result a little dizzy. For a moment you thought you’d throw up. And in that moment you saw three pairs of eyes locked on you. Cas was looking at you surprised by your sudden urge to vomit. Sam was looking at you scared. You didn’t know exactly why but he had to deal with you being shot and dying for at least a couple of days now ( from what Dean told you) so you could understand the agony in his eyes. Dean was looking at you alarmed ready to stand up and do whatever he has to if something was wrong. Although he clearly was still dizzy from the spell. The moment was gone and you started feeling in control of your stomach and body in general. You tried to lie on the back of the bed not realising there wasn’t a pillow behind you. Sam rushed to help you get comfortable and once you finally laid your back on the pillow you felt a very comforting, very welcome feeling of being swallowed by the soft surface. You closed your eyes for a moment in enjoyment and you thought you could fall asleep in an instant. Somehow you were exhausted despite being practically asleep all this time. But you resisted the urge to sleep because there were still some things you had to deal with. You opened your eyes again. Everyone was relaxed now. Crisis averted. Dean was standing up now brushing his eyes with one hand as he was still feeling dizzy. Cas walked close to him to make sure he was fine as Sam was looking at him and then at you. No one seemed completely relieved. Past experience had taught you that it was too early for that. And you already knew one thing that was coming your way. You looked at Dean as your thoughts started getting in order. You realised that it was just now you started thinking clearly. When you were trapped in your head and even the first moments after you woke up your thoughts were like a storm and you weren’t thinking straight. For a moment when you looked at Dean you weren’t sure if he actually said what you remembered. But Dean looked back at you and noticed the intensity of your eyes. He turned his head the other way and avoided them. And you felt something sink inside you as you started realising that everything that happened in your head was true. You felt lost for a moment. Not sure what to do. But as your mind started getting in order you returned to your first thoughts after you woke up. You had to talk to him. Before he sais anything to Cas or Sam. You had to talk. But now there was another thought too. You weren’t giving up.

“Maybe you should eat something...” Sam said trying to understand what you were thinking. You realised that although you felt your thoughts getting in order you probably still seemed a little lost. But you were returning to normal fast.

“ Yeah...Just not much...” You answered Sam with a small smile. “I don’t think my stomach can handle it...” You said and you felt Dean who was now pacing to flex his legs relax that your attention wasn’t on him now.

“ Ok...” Sam said with a gentle smile and started getting up but you stopped him gently holding his hand.

“ Are Dean and Charlie alright?...” You asked and Sam was a little surprised that you were already feeling well enough to ask. You weren’t that worried. From what you remembered Dean told you they were fine. A tiny thought crossed your mind saying that he might have lied. But he had no reason to lie about it. In fact it would make more sense for him to tell you the opposite to motivate you to get the hell out of there and wake up. Again you wondered if that was the case with the conversation you had but once again...you doubted that.

“ Yeah...They’re both fine...” Sam answered you with a slightly bigger smile. He was relaxing even more as time went by. When you heard his answer you felt a huge burden lift from your chest. You haven’t even realised you were worried until you felt relief at Sam’s words. But then again they were your babies. And that worry never stops. From the moment you realised they were inside you till the day you’ll die you’ll worry about them. And maybe even then... A huge relived smile formed on your face as Sam went on. “Dean’s been asking for you...I haven’t told him anything...So far as he’s concerned you had a sore throat and you couldn’t speak on the phone...” You smiled again nodding thinking you’d speak to your baby soon. And relieved that Sam didn’t alarm your baby.

“ And please someone explain to me what the hell happened...” You said again with a small smile towards all of them. They all chuckled. A sound between relief and joking.

“ You should eat something first...” Sam said smiling realising you were feeling better and better. He grabbed his jacket and leaned to press his lips on the top of your head. He pulled back and headed to the door.

“ I’m coming with you...” You saw Dean saying. “ Need to walk a little...” He explained. He was still trying to come back from the spell although you could see he was feeling better. But you got a little alarmed. Did he want to talk to Sam? You looked at him. Straight into his eyes. This time he didn’t avoid your glance. And just like all those years ago he knew what you were thinking and you knew what he was thinking. He wouldn’t talk to Sam just yet. Sam opened the door and walked outside. Dean followed him and closed the door behind him. You brushed your eyes and got your attention to Cas. He was smiling at you gently. You smiled back at him and it was then it hit you. Your memories started coming back. Cas was gone! How did he get here? Was he alright? Your smile faded and you looked at him as if you’ve just noticed his presence in the room.

“ Cas!” You said in a loud voice and a tone that alarmed him. “ Are you alright?” You added before he could say anything. A moment later he understood what was going on and he smiled to you gently again.

“ Yeah...I’m fine...” He told you in response. Of course you already knew that from the moment you opened your eyes. From the fact that he healed you. But the fact that you had to ask and that your memories **just** came back showed you that your brain was still slow. You needed to get some rest before speaking with your babies...and Dean. But in the meantime...

“ What the hell happened with the reaper...?” You asked. Your tone still a little alarmed. Cas calmly explained to you the whole thing about being teleported to Alaska (?!) and then being brought back with Sia’s help and all. He stopped to the point he got to the hospital. He didn’t go on. He probably thought that Sam and Dean would tell you that. But he seemed troubled. Maybe he was just tired. He’s been really worried about you too. But now that you were out of the immediate danger you had to focus on Dean.

“ Did the reaper tell you anything about the deal?” You asked and your voice got a little gruffer and concerned. Cas hesitated to answer. You exhaled deeply feeling more troubled than disappointed. You were expecting the negative answer and when Cas opened his mouth you were expecting reassuring words but...

“ There is something...” He said gruffly. You raised your head and looked at him with your eyes wide and new hope lighting them. But Cas was still looking troubled.

“ What?” You asked impatiently.

“ I’m not sure...” He started explaining. “ He said something about the deal that I didn’t understand... Angel stuff...” He said answering to your questioning look. You weren’t sure whether it was really angel stuff or Cas didn’t want to tell you just yet but you didn’t really mind. There **was** something and that was enough for now. “All I know is that Dean has more time than we thought...” He said and you felt your heart flatter in your chest with excitement. A smile formed on your lips.

“ How much time?” You asked with renewed hope.

“ I don’t know...” He answered. “ Sia told me...” Cas explained.

“ Sia?!” You asked confused. She was the one that told you that Dean had maximum a little more than a week.

“ Yes...” Cas answered. “ She apologised for hiding it...She thought we would act sooner if we thought Dean was dying sooner...” Cas explained and you felt anger boil inside you for Sia and her methods of motivating you. When there was absolutely no reason to do that because your children were in danger! You wouldn’t waste any time! But then again...

“ She knew about Dean’s chest pain...” You said looking at Cas. “ How did she know about that if she didn’t know he was dying...and when he was dying... Maybe she saw him when he felt that terible pain...but...still when she spoke about it she acted like she already knew...She used the information to time when he was dying... How come she doesn’t know how much time?...Maybe she was just bloffing...But she had no real reason for it...You were already motivated... Something doesn’t feel right...Do you think she knows more than she shared?” You said feeling suspicion come over you.

“ I don’t know...” Cas said. Maybe Sia wasn’t who you thought she was.

“ Does Dean and Sam know?” You asked. Cas’ manner of speaking gave you the impression that they didn’t.

“ No...With you dying...I didn’t get the chance...” He said apologetically.

“ Yeah...” You said nodding in understanding. There were a few moments of silence where you were trying to think of what you should do. For one Sia either knew more than she told you or she wasn’t who you thought she was. Either way you did believe she had some inside knowledge about Dean’s deal and if she said he had more time than she told you that was a huge relief. Even if you didn’t know exactly how much. Because she either didn’t know...or she didn’t want to tell you. You thought about telling Dean and Sam when they’d come back but then you changed your mind. You wanted to tell Dean yourself because you were the only one who actually knew what he had in mind and you needed to talk about it now that you could think straight. As for Sam...You wanted to keep it from him for a while. He was a mess since you got shot and he had to deal with that and with your children. Lying to Dean...worrying about you...Searching for a way to save you...He’s been through a lot and you wanted him to have a moment to relax before going on another quest to save Dean...assuming he wants to be saved... Either way you wouldn’t waste any time. “ Cas can you talk to Sia and find out what you can about the deal?” You asked with an urgency in his voice.

“ You’re not completely well yet...” He objected worried. But you were feeling good enough and you could handle a few more days in bed if he wasn’t back in time to finish healing you.

“ I’ll be fine...” You reassured him with a smile.

“ Alright...” He said nodding not entirely convinced. “ I’ll leave when Sam and Dean come back... After I tell them what happened...” He told you.

“ No...” You said calmly. “ Let **me** do it...” You said and Cas looked at you confused. “ I have my reasons...” You said in explanation thinking of Dean with a troubled expression on your face. Cas understood that something was bothering you but he didn’t push you because he trusted you and because you both heard the door knob turn. The door opened and Dean walked in holding coffee and juice followed by Sam who was holding a bag full of sandwiches. You weren’t the only one that felt hungry. You looked at them both. Their eyes red and their skin more white than usual. When was the last time they ate? When was the last time they slept?

“ Is everything alright?” Sam asked when he saw your troubled expression and he moved close to your bed to leave the sandwiches somehwere close.

“ Yeah...fine...” You answered with a small tired smile.

“ Ah...” Cas said as if he just remembered something. “ Something came up...in heaven...And I have to go...” He said clearly uncomfortable with using an excuse.

“ Wait what?”Dean asked looking at him confused as Sam turned to look at Cas confused too.

“ Yeah...” Cas said again a little more determined. “ I’ll be back soon...” He said and offered you a small smile before opening the door to leave.

“ Is it just me or was that wierd?” Dean asked after the door closed behind Cas. He wasn’t really concerned. It wasn’t unsusual for Cas to act a little wierd.

“ Yeah...” Sam commented a little confused too but not really concerned either. Dean moved close to your bed and handed you the juice he was holding.

“ Here...” He said with a smile.

“ Thanks...” You said with a tired smile taking the juice from his hand. Sam had already taken sit next to you as Dean dragged a chair closer and sat too. Sam handed you both a sandwich and for a few moments none was talking. You had all just realised how hungry you were and until your stomach stopped making growling noises you didn’t take your mind off your food. When you had eaten most of your sandwich you felt full and lied back to drink your juice as Sam was finishing his sandwich and Dean had just taken a bite off the second one. You yawned and got more comfortable on the bed. Your body still ached pretty much everywhere but the wound on your belly seemed to have been already healing. Thanks to Cas. “ So...What happened exactly...?” You asked. You sensed Sam and Dean getting more tense. It must have been terrible few days. You knew it wasn’t a pleasant conversation but you needed to know. You were looking at Dean and then at Sam waiting for someone to start talking.

“ Well...” Sam started saying taking a deep breath. He told you exactly what happened since you got shot skipping some details. Dean was adding to the story whenever he felt he had to. Sam hesistated to tell you about Dean trying to make a deal but Dean told him that you already knew. Sam was a little confused by that but he continued as if nothing happened. When he got to the point where Dean got inside your head Dean was listening carefully too because he too had no idea what happened when he lost consciousness. Sam explained to you about the demons. You had this feeling that he was holding back details. Details like the fact that he was actually considering making a deal. But you already suspected that. He finally explained that Dean woke up about five minutes before you did.

“ In a way you pushed me out...” Dean explained to you not quite sure what happened there.

“ For a moment...” Sam said but he hesitated to go on as the thought was too painful.

“...we thought you were gone...” Dean finished his sentence gruffly. But then apparently you opened your eyes and you started coming back to reality. You nodded once they were done talking. Taking a few moments for the knew information to sink in. No one was talking. You were all silent as the weight of the past few days was taking the form of a crushing silence. You were looking at both Sam and Dean. They were both lost in their thoughts. Sam was probably thinking of the new struggle that was about to start. Keeping Dean alive. And you were thinking of the new struggle of telling him that Dean had other plans. As for Dean. You could see it in his eyes that he was thinking about the struggle of telling his brother he had to let go. But you were thinking you’d might change his mind about this. Because if Cas was on to something...It had to be something Dean could live with... You took a deep breath breaking the silence and both Sam and Dean looked like you’ve just startled them out of a dream.

“ You need to get some rest...” Sam told you with a small smile. Eyes red and complexion pale. He was so tired and all you wanted to do was hold him for some time. Comfort him... But you were pacing yourself. You’d have your time with Sam but you wanted to speak to Dean first. And in order to do that you needed some time alone. Dean already knew from the way you looked at him that you wanted to talk. He just wasn’t sure when you’d ask for it. He also didn’t seem to contemplate what he’d tell you. He seemed he already knew. He would tell you the same things he told you in your dreams. But having no idea what Cas told you he wasn’t concerned you might actually have something in mind that could change his decision.

“ We all need to get some rest...” You said finally.

“ Yeah...” Sam agreed. “ I’ll get some blankets from the car...” He announced and you wondered again when was the last time they slept.

“ Sam ,can you bring me something to change too?” You asked noticing for the first time some drops of blood on the hospital robe you were wearing.

“ Yeah...” He said nodding to you and opened the door. He walked outside and closed the door behind him. Dean wrapped the rest of his sandwich and got up. He moved to the other side of your bed and put it in the bag with the last sandwich left and the rest of your sandwich. For a few moments you were just watching him and then you took a deep breath and opened your mouth.

“ Dean...” You said in a calm voice. He recognised the tone. He knew you wanted to talk to him now. Without looking at you he was done tying the bag with the sandwiches and with gentle moves he sat on the bed next to you. He watched his hands as he was playing with his fingers for a few moments but then he decided there was no point to it so he turned his head and looked at you straight in the eyes. You looked back at him trying to decide what to say. That he was wrong? He wasn’t wrong. That you didn’t want him to die? It wasn’t your choice. That you’d miss him if he decided to let go? You would but that would only make him feel guilty. And all those thoughts created a storm of emotion in your mind as you were still looking straight in his eyes unsure of what to say to him. Until you felt your eyes hurt as you were still looking at him. And you felt them flood and your vision got blurry for the brief moment it took the tears to leave your eyes. And with those tears you felt sweet relief spread through your whole body. There was no strategy you could use. There was no argument you could make. The only thing you could tell him was how you were feeling...

“ I understand...” You said finally and you noticed Dean look at you with his mouth slightly open with surprise. He probably wasn’t expecting an emotional response and neither did you. But there it was. You moved on the bed in a sitting position closer to him. “ I get it...” You said again and made an attempt to smile to take away the guilt he was definitely feeling for your tears. He nodded and lowered his head for a second and then he looked back at you.

“ I know...” He said in a slightly gruff voice. And you knew that he wasn’t talking about the conversation you had. He wasn’t saying he knew because you told him. He knew because he knew long before that. “ You always understood...” He said and took his eyes away from you once more. His justification sounded childish but it wasn’t. You always understood. You might have given him a hard time for a lot of things he thought right to do. Because there were so damn many you didn’t agree with. But you always understood...You always understood why...

“ I know...” You said too and sniffed taking a deep breath. “ But I don’t like it...” You said and your voice broke. He left a small chuckle as he was expecting that and turned to look at your wet eyes again. He didn’t say anything. He was just looking at you. “ I don’t like it at all...” You took a deep breath to continue. You were trying to think of how you should say this but the words came out of your mouth on their own. “ Cas is on to something...” You said and sniffed as a tear trembled in your eyes. But your voice was steady. Dean looked at you and for a few seconds his face turned into a surprised look and then a disappointed and angry one. He shook his head and tried to get up to leave.

“ Listen to me...” You said holding his hand to stop him. The movement made him stop and he sat down again unsure if he wanted to hear this or not. Once you had his full attention again you let go of his hand and he looked at it for a brief moment as if he just realised you were still holding him. “ Cas has found something...” You started saying and you explained to him exactly what Cas told you. He listened to you carefully and you were satisfied to see that he was thinking of the possibility.

“ And if this doesn’t work...?” He asked you in a gruff but calm voice. And the question was. “ _Will you try again?”_ Did the fact that you understood meant anything to this situation? Would you do exactly what he didn’t want you or anyone else to do? You smiled to him gently.

“ Dean...” You started saying in a calm voice. “ All I ever wanted was for you to be happy...” You said and you meant that to the fullest. “ I will never... **ever**...do anything that you can’t live with... And I won’t let anyone else do it either...” You said in a determined tone talking about Sam and Cas too but your voice was slightly trembling. Dean understood what you were talking about. He offered you a small smile and you understood you made him feel safe and you went on. “ But you have to let me do this!...” You said in a strong tone. “ You have to let **us** do this...” You continued talking about Sam and Cas again. He was looking at you unsure of what to say. And you went on. “ I promise you...that if this doesn’t work...I will let you go...” Your voice broke in the last sentence but you continued with no hesitation in a steady voice. “ But you have to promise me you’ll give this a shot!” You concluded. You needed that promise. Because you knew that if he got stubborn not only he wouldn’t help but he would even sabotage your tries. There were a few moments when he was just looking in your eyes taking deep breaths faster than normal trying to decide. Your eyes were locked on his in an expression that was a combination of determination and pleading with him to promise you. Finally he opened his mouth.

“ I promise...” He said and the edges of his mouth formed a small reassuring smile. And a small smile formed on your lips too. You nodded satisfied. He trusted you to keep your word and you trusted him to keep his. You felt a burden lift from your chest. At least for now. There was a moment of silence and then Dean spoke again.

“ I guess now we wait for Cas to communicate...” He said and his lips formed a different smile. A joking smile that signified that the emotional moment was over. You smiled to and got more comfortable lying back on the bed again as he got up. “ In the meantime...” He said “ I’d better check around the hospital for any demons when Sam comes back...Yeah, I know Cas took care of them...” He answered as you opened your mouth to object. “ But with those sons of bitches you can ever be sure...” He said checking outside the window. This sounded to you more like an excuse to be alone for a while. You didn’t comment on it. You just nodded just as the door opened and Sam walked in too. He was carrying two blankets and on top of them a shirt and pants. The shirt was yours but the sweatpants weren’t. Although you recognised them. You looked at him confused. He let the blankets and the clothes on the couch.

“ I didn’t find anything comfortable in your bag...” He said apologetically turning to look at you. “ You only had jeans and shirts..so I brought you a shirt...” He said showing you one of the two comfortable shirts you had taken with you. “ And my sweatpants...” He added lifting his sweatpants to show them to you. You looked at him surprised ready to laugh at the idea of you wearing Sam’s pants.

“ Do you really think that’s a good idea?” You finally said chuckling.

“ You can fold them...” He said like that was the only problem.

“ Right...” You said sarcastically and smiled to him. Dean turned to Sam and told him he’d check around the hospital for demons. Sam tried to reassure him that he and Cas had already checked the place but Dean insisted. Moments later he had loaded his gun and walked out. Both yours and Sam’s eyes lingered at the door for a few moments. Then you turned to Sam and asked him to help you take a shower. You still felt the bullet wound hurt but you asked for help because you were mostly scared of fainting and not that much annoyed by the pain. As you took a brief shower you felt even better. Clean and warm. Sam helped you get dressed too and he looked at you apologetically again when you still stepped on his folded seatpants and you had to hold them so they wouldn’t slip. But the whole situation made you laugh and made him relax eventually as he was still tense. You had the impression he was waiting for you to collapse on his arms any minute now. You went back to the bed and made yourself comfortable again. Sam’s pants being a little baggy were much more comfortable than you expected. Once you got comfortable he sat next to you and called Jody. You heard her relieved voice on the phone when he told her you were alright. And then after Sam asked how Charlie was doing Jody gave the phone to Dean and you heard your baby’s excited voice.

“ Daaaad!” He said making Sam chuckle. After that he was speaking so fast it was hard for you to make out what he was saying. Sam was answering him with a big smile on his face and eventually you heard your baby asking to speak to mom.

“ Yes...she’s right here...” Sam said chuckling and handed you the phone.

“ Moooooom!” Dean’s excited voice filled your ears moments after you got hold of the phone.

“ Baby...” You said in a calm but loud voice. A warm feeling spread to your whole chest.

“ Mom...Are you feeling better?” He asked. You remembered Sam’s sore throat excuse.

“ Yes...I’m feeling a lot better!” You said excited to speak to him too. “ How are you, Dean?...”You asked. “... I’ve missed you so much,baby...” You added before he could answer.

“ I’ve missed you too, Mom...And I’ve missed Dad too...When will you be back?” He asked you.

“ In a few days...” You answered. You weren’t sure what would happen in a few days but you knew one thing. You had to see your babies. You’ve missed them so much. So no matter what you’d have to go to Jody’s.

“ Great!” You heard Dean’s happy voice. You chuckled.

“ I love you, baby...” You said with a huge smile on your face.

“ I love you too, Mom...” He said and you could hear the smile in his voice.

“ Tell Charlie I love her too...” You said smiling thinking of your baby girl that couldn’t talk to you on the phone yet. But you’ve missed her so much. You’ve missed holding her in your arms. You’ve missed holding them both in your arms.

“ Yes...Goodbye,Mom...” Dean greeted you hapilly.

“ Goodbye, Baby...” You said handing the phone back to Sam who hung up after saying goodnye to Dean too. You lied back on the bed and closed your eyes. You took a deep breath and you exhaled deeply and slowly.

“ What’s wrong?” Sam asked alarmed. You opened your eyes and looked at him with a melancholic smile on your face.

“ I’ve missed them...” You said in a voice full of emotion. “ It has only been a few days but it feels like its been ages since the last time I saw them... And I’ve missed them...so much...” You said still smiling.

“ Me too...” He answered you with a small melancholic chuckle. He was silent for the next moment and then he looked at you nodding. You nodded too. “ We’ll see them soon...” He told you eventually and leaned to kiss the top of your head. “ You need to get some sleep...” He told you pulling back.

“ What about you?” You asked.

“ I have to do some research...” He answered as if he didn’t want to remind you about Dean dying so that he wouldn’t upset you.

“ For Dean...” You said getting him out of his uneasiness.

“ Yeah...” He admitted with a worried look on his face.

“ About that...” You said and he turned his eyes to look at you and you explained to him everything Cas told you. Everything you knew. But you didn’t tell him what Dean had told you when you were trapped in your head. And you didn’t tell him about the promise you gave him to let him go if this didn’t work. You thought that you’d cross that bridge when you’d get to it. And you were hoping you’d never get to it.

“ So we have more time to figure something out...” He said nodding.

“ Yeah...” You answered. He exhaled deeply in relief. It was dark outside now and there was only one small light on at the corner of the room that illuminated softly Sam’s tired eyes. You reached with your hand and brushed his cheek and then run your hand in his hair. You saw a tiny tear leave his eye. A product of relief and exhaustion. “ When was the last time you slept?” You asked in a low voice.

“ I’m not sure...” He answered you with a small chuckle. He understood that ten minutes of passing out wasn’t what you were asking. You pulled him closer with a gentle move and your lips hugged his in a loving kiss. You pulled back.

“ You need to get some sleep...” You wispered. He nodded with his eyes half closed. He tried to pull back to get comfortable in the chair but you opened your arms with a smile and he didn’t have to ask what you meant. He leaned on the bed and rested his head on your belly careful not to get close to the wound. The chair was in a position that allowed him to do that comfortably. He closed his eyes and you run your hands through his hair in soothing, comforting circles. You closed your eyes feeling his head warm on your belly. His breath warm on your shirt. The edges of your mouth turning with a smile and your chest exploding with love and affection.

“ I love you...” He said breaking the silence and his voice was close to a wisper. You opened your eyes to look at him ready to respond but before you could you saw a tear leave his eye and land on your shirt. And in that moment he looked so tired physically and emotionally. You thought how much he must have suffered those few days. “ Did you hear me?” He asked in a slightly louder voice. And you were ready to answer and tell him that you heard him and that you loved him too...so much... but he continued before you could. “ When you got shot...” He said in a gruff voice that trembled a little. “ Did you hear me when...when I told you that I love you?” He asked and you saw his eyes flood again but they were looking steady in your eyes. There was a second that your memory dragged you back to that dire moment. Your eyes flooded too and you smiled to him.

“ Yeah...I heard you...” You said in a low voice with a smile full of love. And he smiled back to you as if that was the most comforting thing you could tell him. That you knew he loved you. That before you were unresponsive you heard him. And when you were unconscious you knew that he was there and that he loved you. You brushed his hair as more tears run down your cheeks. “ Did you...Did you hear me...?” You asked and felt your eyes flood again. Your voice tailed to a wisper. “ Cause...At some point...I couldn’t understand if my voice was coming out...” You explained and your voice broke at the last sentence.

“ I heard you...” He said looking straight into your eyes. His voice trembled. You closed your eyes to let a few more tears leave your eyes and when you opened them again before you knew it Sam’s lips locked with yours in a loving kiss. His arms made their way to your back holding you tight as your arms wrapped around his neck holding him tight too. Your lips moving against each other’s in an unbreakable physical bond. Your eyes flooded and unflooded as tears run down your cheeks in a circle that you couldn’t and didn’t want to break. Eventually you pulled back with slow tender moves. Still holding each other close. You noticed a thin stream of tears on Sam’s face too.

“ I love you...” You said looking into his eyes pressing your lips on his once more in a small brief kiss.

“ I love you too... so much” He told you in a gruff voice before pressing his lips on yours in a kiss that lasted a little longer. When you pulled back you got yourself more comfortable on the bed and Sam lied down again on your belly. You run your fingers through his hair again and you felt you had already started drifting off. You felt your eyelids heavier than ever. Soon you couldn’t lift them even if you wanted too. You felt Sam’s warm hand land on the one you had in his hair to keep it in place as the pressure of his head was gone from your belly. You wanted to open your eyes but you were too tired to do so. You felt a small kiss on your lips again that made the edges of your mouth form a smile and you felt the small pressure of Sam’s head on your belly again before falling into deep sleep...

You didn’t realise how long you’ve been sleeping. The sound that woke you up sounded familiar but it took you a few moments to recognise it. Your phone was ringing... Somewhere next to you. You opened your eyes. Judging by the non existent sunlight you assumed it was still late. You looked around for the phone without taking your hand from Sam’s hair who was sleeping apparently so exhausted that the phone didn’t disturb him. You finally found it and you saw Cas’ name on the screen. You answered noticing that Dean was nowhere in the room. Was he still out? What time was it?

“ Cas?” You said on the phone.

“ I’ve got news!” Cas said breathlessly on the phone...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on October 29... :-)


	52. Chapter 52

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following the leads...

“ I’ve got news!” You heard Cas’ voice on the line. He was breathing heavily. He must have been running but his voice didn’t give you the impression he was in danger although the tone was somewhat urgent. You moved on the bed to sit better as you felt adrenaline run through your body waking you up. You resisted the urge to make sudden moves as Sam was still asleep on your belly and you wouldn’t wake him up unless you absolutely had to. It’s been a really long time since the last time you saw him that exhausted. That also reminded you to keep your voice down.

“ What happened?” You asked Cas with your voice only slightly raised above a wisper.

“ Sia...” Cas said and rushed to explain. “ She’s nowhere to be found...” Cas informed you and you frowned as suspicion started lurking in your thoughts once more.

“ What do you mean?”You asked Cas who had already started explaining. Your voice was a little louder this time and Sam moved in his sleep reminding you to keep it down.

“ I went to her home...There was no one there. I searched the place at least the parts that I could because it is warded but she is nowhere... I tried to call her but her phone doesn’t work for some reason...” He told you.

“ Could she be hididng in the house?” You asked thinking about the fact that there were places Cas couldn’t search because of the warding.

“ No...” Cas answered in a definite tone. “ It’s a small house...I would have seen her if she was here...” He said and you nodded to yourself. You started thinking. There were only two options. She either fled or something happened to her. Cas didn’t mention seeing any signs of struggle but still you weren’t absolutely convinced that that wasn’t the case. But something inside...More of a hunch...Made you believe she had fled along with her daughter. But no matter where she was or went she would be warded which meant that Cas probably couldn’t find her.

“ Ok...” You said as your mind was working fast setting things into place. “ We’ll take care of her...” You said. “ You go back to heaven...” You told him thinking that Sia wasn’t your only lead. The reaper said something to Cas before Cas managed to kill him. So the angels must at least know something. “ See if you can find a loophole to the deal or something...” You said trying to think.

“ Okay...”You heard Cas’ determined voice on the phone. “ I’ll come back and finish healing you and then I’ll go...” He said mostly to inform you but you objected.

“ No...” You said with a calm voice. “ We dodn’t really know how much time Dean has...The sooner the better...” You concluded.

“ Alright...” He agreed.

“ Be careful, Cas...” You said with a small smile.

“ Be careful too...” Cas said in a worried tone but you could hear the smile in his voice. You hung up and checked the time. It was early morning. You started feeling worried. Dean wasn’t back yet and he was supposed to just check for demons around the building. Still knowing Dean you didn’t quite panic. You knew this was only an excuse to be alone for a while but you could never be sure that something didn’t happen during his alone time. Sam moved once more on you and you brushed his hair behind his ear gently. His mouth was slightly open and he was drooling a little. You smiled a little and continued brushing his hair as you were calling Dean. The phone didn’t ring for long and you felt that that was a good sign. When he picked up he sounded casual.

“ (Y/N)...” He greeted you. “ Is everything alright?” He asked worried a second later realising it was the middle of the night.

“ Yeah, everything’s fine...” You reasured him in a calm voice as you started relaxing too hearing his casual tone. “ You should have been back by now and I got worried...” You said in a calm tone.

“ I lost track of time...” He said with an emotionaly and physically tired voice. And then his voice turned casual again. “ I went to grab some clean clothes and a beer from the trunk... I was just coming back...” He informed you. He took his time drinking his beer. Putting his thoughts into place. Taking advantage of his much needed time alone.

“ Ok...” You said with a small calm smile. You thought about telling him what Cas told you but then you changed your mind. If he had any chance of actually sleeping you’d destroy it by telling him things that would make him jump back into action. You all needed a good night sleep before doing that. You hung up thinking of all the things that would wait for you in only a few hours. How many more struggles and maybe tears... You brushed Sam’s hair again sleepily. Dean would come back soon... But your eyes were already shut. You only heard the door open and felt weight leaving your belly before being completely lost in sleep again.

You started waking up in the morning again. You hadn’t opened your eyes yet but you could detect the sunlight in the room. Moments later you realised that your mouth was open and you closed it just in time before you started drooling. You opened your eyes ignoring your blurry vision. You were lying on your side. It felt really comfortable and warm at this point but you were feeling the not quite healed wound on your belly stretch because of this position. So you turned to lie on your back with slow and careful moves as you were still feeling some pain. You brushed your eyes and looked again with clear vision at the silhouette sleeping on the couch. Dean had his arms crossed and his head was falling on the side. He was covered with the blanket but apparently it wasn’t enough for him since he was still wearing his jacket. You looked around for Sam. A quick look in the daylight made it clear that he wasn’t there. You paid attention to hear if by any chance he was in the bathroom. But all you could hear was the sound of crowd outside your room. You realised you had practically forgotten you were in a hospital. You felt a chill down your spine. You realised there was a time you really hated hospitals. You still didn’t like it but it didn’t make you feel so uneasy as it once did. Maybe because in your mind they weren’t connected with only bad things anymore. You smiled to yourself remembering both times you gave birth. You took a deep breath and started sitting more comfortably on the bed wondering where Sam was. Checking the time you realised he was probably out for breakfast. For a moment you thought that Dean should have been up by now too but then you realised he only had a few hours of sleep and he was exhausted. Your mind was still slow from sleep or it was still searching for something that wasn’t right. You knew you had to try to relax but you weren’t sure how possible that was. You checked the time again and you knew that you’d have to wake Dean up soon enough. You had to get out of there and find Sia. If she had fled you didn’t want to give her extra time to cover her tracks. But before you could think of anything else the door opened and Sam walked in followed by a doctor. You could see Sam wasn’t really happy about this. The doctor’s presence there at this point was unnecessary and therefore a delay.

“ Ah! Mrs Winchester...You’re awake...” The doctor greeted you loudly. Dean woke up from the loud noise ready to pull his gun until Sam gave him a “ stand down” look. The doctor didn’t notice this as he was too busy checking your eyes and your mouth. The doctor then got up and turned to look at Sam and Dean.

“ Mr Winchester and...” He hesiated realising he didn’t know who Dean was but soon he decided he didn’t care. “ ...and friend...” He added in a hurry. Dean gave him a sarcastically blunt look with his still sleepy eyes. “ You need to get out for this...” he said.

“ Yes, of course...” Sam rushed to say. Dean rolled his eyes and walked outside. Sam’s apologizing eyes met your whiny ones. Knowing how unnecessary this was at this point you were really annoyed by this. And your dislike of hospitals wasn’t completely gone either. After examining you thoroughly he left the room repeating the lies you told him about your miraculous recovery. When he opened the door he wispered something along the lines of “It’s a miracle...” to Sam and Dean and he went on his way still mumbling in shock.

“ We need to get out of here before you become an exhibit...”Dean commented to you with a sarcastic tone that was revealing his annoyance.

“ Right...” Sam agreed and he handed something to Dean. That was the first time you actually noticed that Sam was holding a bag with breakfast and a cup of coffee. Dean was holding the other one and there was juice in the bag for you although you’d love some coffee too. He moved close to you and handed you the bag with your sandwich and the juice (Dean was already eating his). “ I’ll try to get you sent home...” He told you and kissed the top of your head before leaving. You knew that it didn’t matter if he’d succeed or not. You’d get out of there either way. But the less noise you made the better. You and Dean just ate your breakfast casually chatting and Sam came back about an hour later really angry because apparently they gave him too much trouble to let you go. And you weren’t surprised. During the one hour he was gone three nurses had already visited you with the excuse of checking on you or bringing you food. The third one didn’t stay long since she was met by Dean’s angry and annoyed expression when she opened the door. Both Sam and Dean were in a hurry to get out of there and so where you but you decided it was best to tell them about Sia now so that you’d think of your course of action before you get to the car. They both weren’t that surprised. And now that you were thinking about it neither were you. After what Cas told you the day before you all kind of saw this coming. Although you still weren’t sure what _this_ was. You were ready to discuss what to do when another knock on the door interrupted you.

“ If it’s another nurse so help me...” Dean said boiling with anger. Sam opened the door and was greeted by another doctor.

“ It’s not a nurse...” He said trying to joke with his near exploding brother. You pretended to sleep and Sam asked the doctor to come back later. He didn’t like that but he couldn’t really argue with the annoyed expressions of both Sam and Dean. When he finally left Sam went to bring you some clean clothes and took most of the books with him and when he was back Dean took the blankets back to the car. Sam couldn’t carry everything on his own he’d have to take Dean for help. But it was obvious they didn’t want to leave you completely alone. When Sam came back he helped you get dressed and then you both met Dean at the entrance. He walked you to the car while Sam was at the reception taking care of the details. He came back about twenty minutes later.

“ Hurry...Before they change their minds!” He said taking shotgun. His tone was a combination of anger, annoyance and joking. Dean started the car more than pleased to get out of there. And you headed to...

“ Jody’s...” You said smiling widely at the thought of seeing your babies again.

The ride there although you were all chatting casually seemed way too long to you. You were anticipating the moment you’d see Dean and Charlie again and that impatience made you feel like time was running slow. You were happy to see though that both Sam and Dean seemed to be in a much better mood now. And there was a moment of sweet relief filling you up. You were alive, Your babies were fine, Sam was fine , Cas was fine and there was a good chance you’d save Dean too! That made a huge smile form on your face that even though it wasn’t obvious it was completely unrelated to the joke Dean had just made. And although the time seemed to run slow it finally passed and Dean was parking outside Jody’s house by early afternoon. Once you were all settled you opened the door unable to control the corners of your mouth that seemed determined to reach your ears and you looked at the house. Immediately your ears cought a high- pitched voice from inside.

“ IT’S MOM AND DAD!” Your baby yelled and you heard Sam chuckle behind you as Dean was opening the trunk to help Sam get some of your stuff out in case you wanted to change or anything. Moments later you were all walking to the door that opened before you could knock and Jody trapped you in a hug before you could take a breath. It was a brief but emotional hug. She stepped back and looked at you brushing your hair.

“ Are you alright? You still look pale...” She said concerned and happy to see you. And that’s all she managed to do in a matter of seconds before Dean’s small arms were around you and he jumped on you so happy to see Mom again! It was a sudden move that made you leave an exclamation of surprise and then a silent one of pain as Dean jumping on you made your wound hurt.

“ Dean! Careful!” Sam said to your baby in a gruff but loving voice that made your baby pull back. “ Mom...” Sam tried to explain but he hesitated for a second not sure what to say to Dean. He couldn’t tell him you were shot! “...Fell down this morning and has a huge bruise so be careful not to hurt her...” He settled for that with a smile towards your baby. Dean smiled back and turned to you.

“ Sorry, Mom...” He apologized still smiling widely unable to hide his excitement to see both you ad Sam. You smiled back to him and put your arms around him in a tight hug and he put his small arms around your neck as Jody had moved on to hug his Dad and his uncle.

“ It’s ok, baby...It’s ok...” You said smiling and you felt your eyes flood. It’s been only a few days but holding him in your arms again after thinking you might never see him again made your heart flatter painfully in your chest and love fill your whole body. You kissed his head without letting him go. “ I’ve missed you so much!” You wispered.

“ I’ve missed you too, Mom...” Dean said to you with a smile. You pulled back and brushed his hair.

“ I love you!” You said with a wide loving smile. Dean smiled back to you pleased to hear it as you leaned to kiss the top of his head.

“ I love you too,Mom...very very much...” He said and hugged you once more before pulling back and running past you. “ Daaad!” He yelled and jumped to hug Sam who lifted him up with a hug.

“ I’ve missed you,Buddy...” You heard Sam’s emotionaly loaded voice from a distance as he was greeting your baby and you followed Jody and Dean inside. Jody moved to the kitchen to make something for you to eat and Dean moved in too to help her and you joined them just to get your baby girl from her rocking chair. She giggled when she saw you and you held her in your arms feeling love fill your whole body again like a minute ago when you were hugging Dean. You closed your eyes brushing her head and wispering “ I’ve missed you, baby”s and “ I love you”s with a huge smile on your face. Until you heard the familiar sound of puking and you opened your eyes just in time to see your shirt get all wet with vomit. Charlie lifted her head and looked at you with whiny eyes because of the mild discomfort she felt. And after a moment of surprise you looked back at her and kissed her head smiling. You’ve missed both your babies so much and you were so happy to see them!...No matter what that comes with...

“ Ah! Charlie!...Look what you did to Mom’s shirt...” Jody said with a small disapproving smile. Dean was just looking at Charlie alarmed, surprised and confused. He wasn’t sure if he should be worried or not. But Jody’s calm tone convinced him that everything was fine. And he relaxed with a smile as Sam walked in too with Dean on his shoulder’s.

“ I love you too, Dad!” Dean said as they walked in. The smell clued Sam in on what happened and he smiled to you before putting Dean down to help you. Dean run to his uncle and hugged him too.

“ How are you, kiddo!” He asked chuckling lifting your baby up in a hug briefly. As they started chatting and joking Sam took Charlie from your arms and you followed him to help him change her and change your clothes too. When you joined the others again you all sat down to grab a bite and then you spent some time playing with your babies until they exhausted themselves. Charlie fell asleep as Sam was holding her and he very carefully put her down to sleep planting a loving kiss on her head. Dean lasted a little longer but after one more lesson of _How to take care of your car_ with his uncle he fell asleep on your belly reminding you a lot of his Dad. Sam took him carefully to bed too. When he returned Dean who was sitting on the couch next to you got up and grabbed his jacket. To your surprise you saw Sam do the same. They both put them on and Jody looked at them confused and then looked at your confused look. They haven’t mentioned going out tonight for a beer or something. And if that was the case they would tell you. You looked at them suspiciously.

“ Don’t wait up...” Dean said to Jody with a smile avoiding your eyes. You didn’t like that. You turned to Sam who wasn’t avoiding your eyes but there was some short of guilt in them.

“ Where are you going?” You asked finally with a calm but loaded with suspision voice. What could they be possibly doing that they were avoiding to tell you.

“ Grab a beer...” Dean answered without looking at you pretending to fix his shirt instead. Jody narrowed her eyes understanding that something was up too and she would have spoken up if Sam hadn’t turned to Dean s second later.

“ Dean...” He said as if he was telling him to drop the lies too. Dean looked up at Sam with a determined and almost angry expression.

“ Bad idea, Sam...” He said in a gruff voice. But Sam looked back at him stubbornly. Still you knew he wasn’t sure he was doing the right thing. But he turned to you and met your confused and full of suspicion eyes. Dean rolled his eyes disapprovingly.

“ We’re going to Sia’s house...It’s not too far from here according to Cas...” He explained and you knew he was telling the truth but you still couldn’t understand why the liying. You got up and still looking at them confused you moved to grab your jacket. After putting it on you turned to look back at them and Dean was looking at Sam accusingly and he repeated but this time implying he was proven right.

“ Bad idea...” He then turned and looked at you and suddenly everything started making sense. They didn’t want you to come! That’s what all the liying was about.

“ Really...” You said looking at them angry and frustrated. At least Sam was looking fittingly guilty. Knowing them both you assumed that was Dean’s idea who also looked mad that you were planning to come along. Sam ignored his brother’s disapproving looks and moved closer to you.

“ (Y/N)...You’ve just been shot...If something happens...” He started explaining to you in a calm voice.

“ I know...” You interrupted him with a determined tone. And you looked at both of them angry as you were. “ I’m not naive...I’m not stupid and I most certainly don’t plan on putting myself in danger!” They were just looking at you. “ Or put you two dumbasses in danger by having to _save_ me!” You used the word mockingly to make them understand you didn’t need protectors. Just like they didn’t. You all cared for each other and you protect each other when you have to! And they had no right to act like that since you never acted in an immature way during a hunt considering yourself and others! “ You say you wanna go to Sia’s house?...Well, Sia is a witch!...And who knows more about witches?...I do!” You said pointing to yourself. “ So I’m coming along!...And don’t worry I’ll leave the fighting to you until I’m back to full strength! I’ll even stay in the car if you want me to!...But dodn’t act like I’m gonna die if I step outside my door...” You said in an angry tone and turned around to head to the car. But you turned towards them again and looked mostly at Dean. “ And liying doesn’t work on me!” You added and left. Sam wasn’t really the type that would lie to you to protect you or for any other reason unless he was absolutely convinced he had no other choice. But for Dean that was a usual thing but it never worked on you. You always understood when he was liying. Maybe you didn’t know what about or what for but you knew he was lying. Eventually he stopped but sometimes he was getting a little too worried and he was giving liying another try like he did now. They followed you to the car without speaking. Sam worried but already expecting that outcome and Dean still disapproving you coming along and mad because Sam ruined his plan although he already knew it wouldn’t work. He started the car and a couple of hours later you found Sia’s house a little outside of town. The first thing you noticed was what Cas saw too. There were no signs of struggle. But also no lights. It seemed abandoned. You stepped out of the car after Sam and Dean and looked around.

“ There are no protection spells outside...” You announced after a quick look around the house.

“ Let’s get in...” Dean said and headed to the door with his gun raised. Sam followed him raising his gun too.

“ You stay behind us...” He told you in a calm voice knowing you wouldn’t object although you were feeling a little uncomfortable. You nodded and loaded your gun too. Dean looked back taking the confirmation from both of you to open the door. You both nodded and he opened it cautiously. He took two slow and careful steps inside. It was really dark but from a first look it really did look like she fled. Dean tried to take another step but you pulled him back before he could.

“ Careful!” You said and showed him a square mark on the wooden floor. Dean looked at you confused. Someone could easily assume it was just a random mark but you could see it was too symmetrical to be random. It was a rare form of magic booby trap but with Sia’s mother being who she was you weren’t that surprised to see it. “ I’ll explain later...” You said. “ Sam...” You called him to move forward so he could take a better look. “ Don’t step on those...They could be anywhere around the house so be extra careful...” You concluded sounding worried and Dean moved around the mark with his eyes locked on the floor. You let Sam move in front of you too although you didn’t like it and you followed close behind.

“ Should we turn the lights on?” Sam asked you and Dean looking mostly at you. He was standing next to the switch. You looked at him with uncertainty in your eyes. Turning the lights on could go either way. It could either be a trap or not. There was no way to know for sure.

“ Better safe than sorry...” Dean said seeing how you hesitated to answer. You nodded in agreement and Sam used his flashlight. After half an hour of investigating the house the only things you found where a few more booby traps stratigically placed and a few spell books that you insisted to take with you to study. It was obvious that she wasn’t abducted or anything like that. The only option was that she fled and you had to find her. And you **would** find her! But for now you needed to head back to Jody’s to get some rest.

“ So what does this mark do?” Dean asked you as you were leaving the house. His tone was more casual now. He wasn’t mad at you anymore. Or maybe he felt safer realising that you weren’t acting as if you weren’t shot and still recovering. You turned to smile to him acknowledging his calm tone.

“ It’s like a minefield made of spells...Each of those marks can blow us to bits with the slightest pressure...” You explained feeling a chill down your spine.

“Is it safe to have those lying in your house?” He chuckled sarcastically as you were all heading to the car.

“ I think there is a spell that disables them and one that enables them but i’m not sure how it works...They are kind of rare...Maybe I’ll find something there...” You said pointing at the books Sam was carrying for you because he didn’t want you to stretch your wound. “ In fact...” You said and looked back briefly. “ They might have been disabled now...But you said it yourself better safe than sorry...” You explained. Dean nodded still wrapping his mind around the concept of the magic booby traps in the house.You all walked in the car to head back after Sam put the books in the trunk. After you arrived back to Jody’s Sam opened the door and walked in. Jody was already in bed but she gave Sam the keys in case you were late. Dean checking the clock realised you were back sooner than you expected. After you walked in you went to check on Dean and Charlie. They were both sleeping quite tired. You were hoping Charlie wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night again. You joined Sam and Dean in the leaving room again after changing in to more comfortable clothes ( in this case a comfortable shirt and a pair of baggy pants (that were perfect on your waist) that Jody lent you. Dean brushed his eyes a little and then went to check if Jody had beers in the fridge. As it turned out he and Sam had the last ones when you ate. Dean insisted on going on a beer run so he and Sam could have a beer while eating so he got up and said he saw a convenience store close by and that he’d be back soon. After he left you moved to the kitchen to start preparing the food for all of you. Sam went to check on Dean and Charlie once more. It wasn’t so much that you were worried as the fact that you’ve missed them so much. You started thinking that maybe the next day you should go home again. It seemed really long ago but Dean had to get back school. He had missed a lot of school days with everything that happened. And you and Sam needed to head back to work. The sheriff wouldn’t mind Sam’s absence since he actually knew what was going on. But Mrs Feegs would definitely have questions so you’d have to come up with a good excuse. But in general you felt optimistic. The fact that Sia fled meant that she actually had something to hide and that was a lead. Cas was already in heaven to deal with the angel lead and you already knew that you had more time on your hands. You smiled to yourself feeling that you’d actually make it. That maybe you’d have Dean back for good. You tried not to be too optimistic or go ahead of yourself but you certainly felt better. Lighter...Relieved... As you were mixing the salad you felt Sam’s hands wrap around you slowly and gently. He was careful to run his hand over the wound in a way that wouldn’t hurt. You closed your eyes smiling as he pressed his lips against the top of your head in a loving kiss. You sighed and let the salad go to run your fingers between his. His hands were slightly warmer than yours.

“Thay are both sleeping...” He announced you. “ If we’re lucky Charlie won’t wake up tonight...” He said with a smile that you heard in his voice. The corners of your mouth formed an even bigger smile and you let your head rest on his chest. Your eyes still closed. You were monitoring his breathing. The movements of his chest were relaxing you and he pulled you a little closer still very carefully to make sure he wasn’t hurting you. You opened your eyes and turned around in his arms. You put your hand on his cheek and brushed it. He closed his eyes briefly enjoying the gentle touch. You put your other hand on his cheek too and you both moved closer and your lips moved against each other’s in a loving kiss. You pulled back and saw Sam smiling to you.

“ I love you...” He said in a low voice. You smiled back looking straight into his eyes. Both showing each all the emotions that words couldn’t describe...

“ I love you too...” You said in a low voice and you pulled each other in for another tender kiss. Your hands brushing his neck and the edge of his hair with soothing gentle moves. You could feel his hands on our back caressing it gently. You felt your mind and your body relax under his touch.Your lips hugging softly. Your mind was thinking of how much you’ve missed him. You pulled back for a small breath without opening your eyes and you got lost in another kiss. Your hands run from his neck to his chest and then slowly back to his chest feeling his pulse rising. Your lips were moving seductively now and his hands on your back wanted to explore the area more. Your lips locked on a passionate loving kiss and...Sam pulled back. You opened your eyes a little surprised. He didn’t let you go but he stopped the kiss and it was like you’ve just realised your intimate thoughts. He was smiling at you but his breath was slightly trembling with desire. Just like yours.

“ Don’t even think about it...” He said with a small determined smile. “... until you have fully recovered...we’re not having sex...” He said in a serious tone. You opened your mouth to say something but you shut it again. He was right. Maybe you were feeling better but you got shot and Cas hadn’t fully healed you. You needed to be more careful for a little longer since the wound was still causing you pain.

“ Soon...” You said finally without bothering to hide how disappointed you were feeling. Sam smiled a little and pulled you in for a hug. Holding you tight enough so that you wouldn’t be in pain. You wrapped your arms around his neck. He kissed the top of your head lovingly and then your shoulder.

“ I’ve missed you too...” He said in a low voice close to your ear. His tone full of love and longing he couldn’t quite control. You smiled detecting that. You pressed your lips in on his neck gently.

“ Soon...” You repeated in a voice that was closer to a wisper. You rested your head on his shoulder closing your eyes still feeling relaxed and safe. He rested his head on your shoulder too and you brushed the back of his neck with your eyes still closed. “ What time is it?” You asked feeling your stomach demanding you eat. You pulled back to let Sam check his watch. He told you and you both looked at each other slightly alarmed. It’s been an hour since Dean left and he didn’t go that far.

“ I’ll give him a call...” Sam said. And you weren’t sure if one hour was enough time for you to start worrying or you were both overreacting due to recent events. Dean didn’t pick up at first. That wasn’t a good sign. Sam looked briefly at you sharing a worried look and called again. After ringing a few times the seconds it took Dean to answer felt like hours.

“ Sam...” You heard his voice gruff on the phone. You and Sam shared a relieved look.

“Dea...” Sam started saying but Dean interrupted him.

“ Help...” He said and this time the word was lost in some short of liquid. You felt something sink inside you and then cold sweat run down your forehead. You saw Sam’s expression turning from a smile to a white mask of pain. Dean hung up a second later leaving you and Sam staring at each other in shock for a second. And then Sam rushed for his gun. You wanted to go along but if it came to a fight you weren’t sure you could stand your own just yet. You run upstairs and woke up Jody telling her what happened. She looked at you panicked for a second tryng to realise what just happened and then she got dressed in a matter of seconds and got her gun. They left driving her car and you stayed back feeling useless and paralyzed with fear and panic. Every minute that was going by felt like a century. You were walking up and down and your mind made all shorts of awful scenarios. And all of them ending with Sam and Dean both dead. You were feeling heatwaves and chills hit you as your agony made you sweat. By the time you heard the sound of the car outside it had only been half an hour but it felt like a year to you. You saw Jody’s car parked outside. She walked out of the car rushing to the impala that was just parked too. You run to the door and walked outside. You saw Sam step out of the car. You gasped in relief. He was exactly like he left. He was fine. But then he rushed to the other side and got out of the car a nearly uncoscious Dean.

“ Come on, Dean...Hold on...” He said encouragingly in a gruff worried voice as Jody rushed close to help. After a moment you spend paralyzed with fear and questions you run close too. You saw blood running from Dean’s mouth and your mind travelled back to the liquid noise on the phone. His hand was also covered in blood as well as his shirt that was also teared revealing a big but not deep cut. His face was covered in bruises and these were only the stuff you could see.

“ What happened?” You turned to ask Sam in a trembling voice as he was struggling to bring him inside.

“ I don’t know...” He said in a voice trembling with struggle and agony as he was bringing him inside. “ We found him like this and he was...” He didn’t get to finish his sentence because Dean slipped almost taking Jody with him. After Sam got a good grip on him again with Jody’s help Dean wispered what sounded like an answer to your question.

“ Angels are dicks...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on November 12... :-)


	53. Chapter 53

Sam and Jody helped Dean inside while you were following looking shocked and scared and confused. Your hands were trembling. When they finally put Dean on the couch Sam’s face took the same expression as yours. You noticed his hands were slightly trembling too. Jody on the other hand was more focused on the task at hand and she looked more determined than worried and scared. You needed to take care of Dean’s wounds. Moments later you let your worry go temporarily and focused on the task at hand as well. You put your thoughts in order and focused on helping in any way you could. You and Jody went to bring everything you needed to clean and dress the wound while Sam stayed with Dean.

“ Maybe you should lie down...” Sam’s gruff and worried voice suggested when you entered the living room again.

“ No,no...I’m good...” Dean said in a tired voice offering Sam a small reassuring smile. But a second later his face turned green and he leaned forward to throw up.

“ Shit!” You said between your teeth and barely managed to hand him the big bowl with water you were holding to clean the wound so he didn’t throw up on the floor. “I’m gonna bring another one...” You announced in a warm voice once Dean’s head emerged again. He still looked greenish.

“ I’ll clean this up...” Jody said taking the bowl from Dean’s hands.

“ I’ll help you lie down...” Sam said in a gentle voice but it was clear he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

“ Yeap...” Dean answered convinced that he should indeed lie down as you were leaving the room. You walked in the room again leaving the bowl of water next to Sam who had already helped his brother remove his bloody shirt. You looked at the cut. Just as you had estimated earlier it wasn’t a deep cut. It actually looked worse that it was. You handed Dean a clean cloth to hold to the edge of his mouth to stop the bleeding from a scratch caused by a punch most likely. You examined his face further. He had a huge bump over his eye and it was obvious he had taken a few good punches. He kept his eyes closed. He was conscious but you assumed he was still feeling dizzy. You also examined his hand that was all bloody. You were scared that maybe something was there that you hadn’t seen but it was all blood from the cut that Sam had just finished cleaning and was about to start stitching. Once Jody came back she cleaned his hand and you went to bring some ice to put on the bump on his head. All this time you didn’t let your thoughts stray from the task at hand. Which was taking care of Dean. But now that everything was in to place and Dean although he looked bad enough he seemed to feel better and Sam was taking care of him you started wondering what everyone was. What the hell happened? Angels apparently? But still...He was Dean. It takes a lot to bring him to this state which was scaring you even more. And what about Cas? He was supposed to be at heaven investigating this freaking deal...Could this be beacuse of it? You felt your knees tremble a little. What if something happened to Cas too?

“ Hold it...” You said to Jody showing her the ice pack you were holding over Dean’s eye. Jody who had finsished cleaning his hand nodded and held the ice pack lifting it a couple of times to look at the bump. You got your phone out of your pocket with hands that were trembling and you were getting angry with yourself that you couldn’t keep them steady. You called Cas and you waited. You waited till it went to voicemail but he didn’t pick up.

“ He’s not answering?” Sam asked you in a gruff voice. You lifted your head surprised by the question. When your eyes met his you knew he had made the connection you had.

“ No...” You wispered moving your head negatively and called Cas again.

“Cas?” Dean asked trying to get up to look at you as Jody was blocking you.

“ Lie back now!...” You roared only looking at him briefly. “ Pick up,pick up,pick up...” You were wispering between your teeth as you could hear the well known beeps but no answer. You tried a couple of times more and by the time you gave up Sam was done dressing the wound and he got up to bring Dean a clean shirt. You started pacing trying to calm yourself down and control the panic that you felt rising. Sam came back and helped Dean put on the clean shirt. Jody rushed to the kitchen after Dean held the ice pack on the bump on his own to bring him some water and something really light to eat.

“ So what the hell happened?” Sam asked realising Dean was feeling somewhat better. He was good enough to explain. You turned to look at him waiting for the answer. He thought about it for a second and then he opened his mouth.

“ I don’t know...” He said in a gruff voice. “ One moment I’m getting out of the car and the next one a bunch of angels is attacking me. I fought them off...I killed a couple of them...” That was for you because Sam had already seen the dead angels. Jody was listening closely from the kitchen door. “ Then they fled and when I got back in the car I was feeling dizzy and fainting and...well, you know the rest...” He concluded with a side look to you and Sam. You and Sam shared a look thinking the same thing.

“ They tried to kill you?” Sam asked trying to sound calm but his voice sounded gruff and he couldn’t hide how worried he was.

“ Yeah...” Dean answered gruffly again looking impatiently at the glass of water Jody was handing him.

“ Slowly...” She advised as Dean brought the glass to his lips. Sam turned to look at you. You met his eyes and his worried expression that was just like yours. Your minds were running the same theories. Cas went to find out more about the deal. But what if the angels had other plans? What if they preferred Dean dead? That wouldn’t surprise you. Or maybe they had nothing to do with heaven or Cas. That reaper couldn’t have been on his own his whole life. He most likely had friends. What if those friends decided to finish his job as a way of taking revenge for his death? But then why Cas wasn’t answering his phone...Maybe he couldn’t...Being in heaven and all...But in that case he’d call back soon. Dean met your worried and concentrated on thought eyes. He had already assumed what you and Sam thought. But moments later you saw his eyes taking a look of concern. He was still looking at you but somewhere lower. And Sam’s voice alarmed you before you got the chance to look down to see what Dean was looking at.

“ (Y/N)!” He said in a worried voice and you turned to him confused as he was already getting close to you upset. You only got a moment to look down and see a few drops of blood on your shirt. In a few moments Sam had made you sit on the couch next to Dean ( who curled up to make some space) and he was carefully lifting your shirt up. You realised what alrmed him and Dean so much. It wasn’t Dean’s blood on your shirt. You did get a few drops on you but by that time Dean’s blood was dry and in the form of single drops on your shirt and pants. But what was on your shirt now was a growing spot of fresh blood. It wasn’t much but you were bleeding.

“ I’ll bring clean cloths...” Jody said.

“ Thanks...” Sam answered looking at her briefly as she was heading away with all the bloody cloths and Dean’s bloody clothes. You looked down at what Sam was looking at. Your wound had opened slightly. Enough to make you bleed a little. You didn’t realise it was happening but it didn’t surprise you. Since Sam came back you were more concerned to see what happened to Dean and take care of Dean you completely ignored the small pinches the area was giving you. You completely forgot about your wound and apparently you’ve stretched it with the moves you made. Sam was concentrated on your wound now. Cleaning the blood that was oozing out with your ( actually Jody’s) already destroyed shirt until Jody came back with a small towel instead of cloth to clean the blood and a new shirt for you. Sam took the towel on his hand and started cleaning the wound. You reached for his hand and stopped him.

“ I can do it myself...” You said in a calm voice thinking he didn’t have to deal with a small stretch on your wound too but instead of an answer Sam stopped what he was doing. He raised his head flipping his hair slightly and looked at you angrily and stubbornly without saying anything. He had no inetntion of letting you do it yourself he was just waiting for you to take your hand off his hand. You rolled your eyes and raised both your hands in surrender showing him you were backing off. He returned to what he was doing still looking angry and without saying a word to you. You knew he was mad at you that you weren’t careful and you knew you’d feel the same way if he was in your place. You let a small smile but you resisted the urge to brush his hair and challenge his angry stare. You didn’t want to do it with everyone around. He pressed the towel strongly on the wound to stop the bleeding. Jody was helping Dean with the sandwitch she made him. He was moving uncomfortably on the couch.

“ I’ll bring you extra pillows here to be more comfortable during the night...” Jody told him to make him stop moving.

“ No...You won’t spend the night here...” You said turning to look at Dean and then made a grimace of pain and left a small gasp as Sam’s pressure on the wound made it sting. He raised his head to see if you were alright and once he did he returned to what he was doing without apologising.

“ (Y/N) is right, Dean...” He said and put the towel down to start stitching the wound.

“ Guys, I’m fine...” Dean said with a smile. You all turned to look at him with a sarcastic expression on your faces. Dean rolled his eyes and tried to cross his arms but the pain made him stop.

“ You can stay in the room we usually take...” You said looking at Sam’s head waiting for a response.

“ Yeah...” He lifted his head agreeing with you after a small pause.

“ I’m good here...” Dean insisted and tried to get more comfortable on the couch.

“ It’s not just about you, Dean...” You said and turned to look at him with a serious expression on your face. He looked at you surprised. “ If Dean wakes up and sees you like this will be shocked...” You said thinking of how shocking it would be for your baby to see Dean beaten up like that in the middle of the night. Dean stopped. He clearly haven’t thought about it before but he couldn’t argue with that point. “ What about you?” He asked finally.

“ We’ll take the couch...” You said casually looking at Sam who was almost done.

“ You and Sam can take my room...” Jody offered.

“ No...” You objected in a calm tone. “ You have to go to work tomorrow and you need to get some rest...After all you only have about five hours of sleep left...” You said checking Sam’s watch as he was still working on your wound. He lifted his head and looked at you.

“ Maybe you should sleep with Jody...” He argued thinking about the wound and that you probably needed to rest well too.

“ I’m fine, Sam...” You said rolling your eyes.

“ No, you’re not fine!” He snapped throwing the towel down with force as he was getting up. You were startled and for a moment you were just looking at him shocked but he went on. “ You’ve been shot less than a week ago!” He yelled.

“ Keep your voice down!” You said furious getting up too coming back from the initial thought. Sam opened his mouth to answer but you knew he wouldn’t yell again. None of you wanted to risk waking up your kids. But he didn’t get the chance to say what he had in mind because Dean interrupted him to prevent the fight that was about to start.

“ I think it’s time we go to bed...” He said and tried to fake a yawn.

“ Come on...” Jody said and rushed close to him to help him giving both you and Sam that were still furious a warning look not to start a fight! It was neither the time nor the place. Sam moved close to Dean and helped him up. Then he turned to you again.

“ Try not to break your stitches...” He said coldly. You ignored him trying to control your temper. “ For a couple of hours at least...” He added in a bitter tone. You heard Dean cough a little. You turned around with your blood boiling. Sam wasn’t looking at you but Jody was. She gave you another warning look as you opened your mouth and you knew that this time you’d be the one to yell. But you managed to keep it in and let them go as you went to find blankets and pillows. When you came back to the living room Sam hadn’t returned yet. You set the blankets and the pillows on the couch and made yourself comfortbale wearing your angry expression to wait for him. But as time went by you started to relax letting your anger go. You weren’t feeling your blood boiling anymore. But Sam still didn’t show up. You started thinking that maybe he preferred to stay with Dean tonight. And though you could understand why he’d want to do that you were feeling something empty and cold inside. Your anger had made a transition to sadness and now you doubted you’d get to sleep at all. But then you heard footsteps in a familiar pattern and you turned around to see. Sam walked in the living room.

“ Dean and Charlie are still sleeping...” He told you in a calm voice. He avoided your eyes but he wasn’t angry anymore. So that’s why he was late. He went to check on your babies. He moved and took a pillow from the couch and he placed it on the floor. You were looking at him confused. He sat on the floor ready to fall back and lie down but instead he rested his arms on his knees and looked down beween his legs. “ I’m sorry...” He said in a gruff voice and finally he turned his head and looked at you briefly unsure if you were still mad at him or if you’d let that go. But when you heard the words leave his mouth you felt that cold and empty part inside you get warm and fuzzy. You took a deep breath and he turned to look at you again. You looked back at him a little stubbornly but not mad. He looked away again not sure what else he should say but you got up and sat next to him on the floor.

“ It’s ok...” You said in a calm gentle tone.

“ No, it’s not...” He said and you barely got to finish your sentence. He turned to look at you again. “ It’s just...” He started saying again. “...You,Dean...Cas...” He said breathing slightly faster trying to explain to you why he had that outburst. But his throat started closing and he swallowed hard unable to get another word out in a steady voice. But he didn’t have to. You knew that in the past week he’s been through a lot. Even for your standards. A bunch of witches threatended your kids, you got shot and you almost died, Dean is still dying...now he just got beaten up by a bunch of angels and Cas has gone missing. He was worried and scared for all of you... And you could understand how a simple stretch of your wound made him unable to control those feelings. You brushed his arm as he still wasn’t looking at you.

“ I know...” You said in a low and warm voice and he blinked slowly trying to fight back the tears. He turned to look at you again.

“ I’m sorry...” He apologised again in a gruff voice with his eyes wet. You smiled to him and brushed his hair and then his cheek with slow tender moves. You moved closer and he put his arms around you to give you more space to get even closer to him. You smiled to him brushing his neck as he was looking at you.

“ I know...You said again in a warm voice. “ We’re ok...” You added to reassure him and leaned to press your lips gently on his and you felt his arms gently wrapping around you again. You pulled back and he leaned to give you a loving gentle kiss. You pulled back and got comfortable next to him. There was a small pause and all you could hear were your breaths. And the Sam broke the silence but he kept his voice low.

“You should still go to sleep with Jody...”. He said and you rolled your eyes again.

“ I don’t want to...” You answered casually in a low voice too.

“ You’ll be much more comfortable there...” He argued.

“ No!” You insisted firmly.

“ Why not?” He asked again genuinely trying to understand. You turned to him and offered him a small smile.

“ Because it feels like it’s been a really long time since we spent a night together...And I’ve missed you...” You admitted with a small smile looking straight into his eyes. He couldn’t help smiling back to you. He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you closer.

“ I’ve missed you too...” He said smiling. His voice full of emotion. “But I doubt we can fit together on the couch...I doubt I can fit at all...” He said taking a better look at the couch chuckling.

“ Together on the couch or together on the floor...” You chuckled too and got up to sit on the couch. You lied down and Sam took his pillow and placed it next to yours. He tried to lie next to you and after some time of uncomfortably turning for both of you Sam’s back was stuck in the back of the couch one knee bent and one leg down while you were lying on his chest with both your knees bent over Sam’s leg that was down. His arms were wrapped around you holding you tight. If you turned you’d fall. You put the blanket over you and yawned.

“ Goodnight...” You said and closed your eyes to fall asleep.

“ Goodnight...” He said too and pressed his lips on the top of your head in a loving kiss. “ I love you...” He said pulling back. His voice low and full of the emotion he was talking about.

“ I love you too...” You wispered without opening your eyes but your tone was warm and a small loving smile formed on your lips.You felt as if you were already lost in sleep. But then you felt Sam’s fingers warm on your skin gently lifting your shirt. You were too tired to move as he was gently feeling the stitches. He probably thought that so much turning around on the couch could have broken them. You smiled half asleep.

“ Well... It’s been more than a couple of hours so you can’t get mad if they’re broken...” You said sleepily. You felt his fingers stay still when you started talking. He thought you were already asleep and got startled. He chuckled breathlessly clearly regretting that statement. You felt him tense next to you because of it so you run your fingers on his and got more comfortbale on his chest. You felt him relax and resting his head on yours as he started falling asleep too. You didn’t get to sleep that well. Sleeping on the couch wasn’t comfortable and you changed position many times during the night. In the morning you woke up on Sam with your face on his neck and his hair tickling your nose,one arm over your head and one free on your side. Your leg was around Sam’s waist and the other was bent in a painful way. Sam wasn’t more comfortable either. The leg that was down had gotten numb while one hand was around you and the other one was trapped under your leg that had trapped his waist too. And you weren’t sure how much of your hair were on his face. You both woke up together.

“ Mom...Dad...” A familiar voice accompanied by small footsteps. Dean was looking for you.

“ We should have taken the floor...” You wispered on his neck as you were waking up feeling sore.

“ Yeah...” Sam agreed with a gasp of pain as you were freeing his hand and his waist. Just as Dean emerged in his pjs. He smiled to you and you both smiled sleepily to him as you were stretching. He run to you and climbed on the couch between you.

“ Goodmorning, Mom...Goodmorning, Dad...” You chuckled but Sam pulled Dean in his arms.

“ Careful...” He reminded him kissing his head. Dean looked at him clueless for a few seconds and then he turned to you.

“ Sorry, Mom...” He apologised crawling out of his Dad’s loving embrace to get to yours.

“ It’s ok...” You said and kissed his head too. He pulled back and settled between you and Sam. Sam checked his watch.

“ It’s still early...” He informed you. “ Why aren’t you asleep, Buddy?” He asked.

“ I’m not tired...I’m hungry...” He said looking at you both.

“ Ok...” You said and brushed his hair gently. A moment later you heard crying which you both recognised in an instant. You and Sam shared a tired but loving smile.

“ Apparently, you’re not the only one...” Sam chuckled and kissed Dean’s head before getting up. You got up too. “ I’ll get Charlie...” Sam said smiling sleepily.

“ I’ll help Mom with breakfast...” Dean said excited and run to the kitchen. Sam leaned and you shared a brief loving kiss. You pulled back and you headed to the kitchen and Sam went to Charlie. Moments later Jody joined you awakened by her alarm and Dean’s loud voice. She started helping you with breakfast when Sam walked in with Charlie in his arms. She was whining and her eyes got brighter with tears. You moved close and greeted her. She reached with her hands so you could kiss and brush her head soothingly and then she put her little arms around Sam’s neck again. He put her down on her rocking chair and you handed him her bottle and a cookie. Dean greeted Charlie too as he was drinking his apple juice. After they were all set you kissed Dean’s head and grabbed an ice pack.

“ I’ll go check on, Dean...” You said in a low voice to Sam and pressed your lips in a tender kiss on his cheek.

“ I’ll be there in a couple of minutes...” He told you watching Charlie finish her bottle. You nodded and left the room. You went to the room you usually slept in to check on Dean. You knocked on the door but you got no answer. He was probably still asleep. You opened the door as gently as possible. You were right. He was still sleeping deeply. There was no point for the ice pack since he was still asleep. And there was no reason to wake him up just yet. You closed the door again very slowly and turned around to leave but you were met by Sam who was coming to check on Dean too.

“ How is he?” He asked you a little confused you were still holding the ice pack.

“ Still asleep...” You told him. “ We shouldn’t wake him up yet...” You said. Sam nodded but he exhaled deeply. He was worried and impatient to see how Dean would be when he’d wake up again. You were guessing in more pain that yesterday. He would probably feel really sore. You and Sam returned to the kitchen and had breakfast too. Jody who had just finished said goodbye to all of you and left for work. Dean after finishing with breakfast he settled on the couch to watch tv. You and Sam stayed in the kitchen watching Charlie bite her teething toy. Giggling every now and then when you smiled at her or brushed her hand. She giggled as you turned to look at Sam who hung up the phone disappointed.

“ He’s still not picking up...” You said in a serious tone that made Charlie look at you and Sam with eyes wide open with curiosity. Sam offered her a tired smile. She smiled back to him and bit her toy again.

“ No...” He answered you in a tone similar to yours. “ What do we do?” He asked.

“ What **can** we do?” You asked back. “ For all we know everything might be fine and he just can’t talk to us right now...”

“ A bunch of angels tried to kill Dean...” He answered sarcastically.

“ Point taken...” You said exhaling deeply. “ But still we don’t know who these angels were...or even if heaven sent them...maybe Cas is fine...Or I really really want to believe Cas is fine...” You admitted and Charlie mumbled something softly to get your attention. You turned to her and smiled. Satisfied she returned to her toy.

“ But what if he’s not fine...” Sam argued. “ What if he needs our help...” He looked at you worried.

“ What do we do? We invade heaven? For all we know that’s were he is but that’s somewhat difficult...” You said using the last word sarcastically. It was way more than difficult. Sam brushed his face trying to think but you doubted you’d get anywhere.

“ We need to find Sia...” He said finally. You looked at him a little bit confused. You knew you needed to find Sia for Dean but you weren’t sure how that would help in Cas’ case. He saw the question in your eyes and he rushed to explain. “ We need to find everything she knows about the deal...And then we’ll probably know what this attack was and if we should worry about Cas...” You nodded. But that still didn’t solve your problem.

“ How do we find Sia?” You asked beginning to feel desperate. “We can’t use a tracking spell and she is a very powerful witch that has definitely warded herself against tracking spells and she can perform a teleporting spell...And from what we know she doesn’t wanna be found...” You said exhaling in disappointment.

“ We’ll try the traditional way...” Sam asnwered. “ We call everyone we know and we follow every lead...We’ll find her...” He said trying to sound positive. You couldn’t feel posistive but you had to try.

“ Should we leave today?” You asked changing the subject.

“ Leave?” Sam looked at you confused.

“ Well we can’t stay here any longer...I’m sure Jody wouldn’t mind but Dean and Charlie need to go back home...Dean must go back to school...And our home is still a safe place being warded against pretty much everything...” You said.

“ Yeah...” Sam agreed. “ Mybe we should leave in the afternoon...” He added after taking a few seconds to think about it. You nodded in agreement but before you could say anything more you heard Dean’s excited voice.

“ Goodmorning, uncle Dean!” He said.

“ Hey, kiddo...” You heard Dean’s gruff and tired voice greeting Dean with a smile.

“ Why do you have a bump on your head?” You heard Dean asking.

“ Aaaa...” Dean hesitated trying to think of an excuse. Sam was already getting up to save him from answering but he didn’t make it in time. “ A ball...” He said finally. “ Landed on my face...” He concluded.

“ You’d think speniding a lifetime pretending to be FBI agents we’d be able to come up with better excuses...” You said sarcastically as Sam run to save Dean from the ananswered questions your baby would start firing at him. You got up and served Dean breakfast. He walked in the kitchen holding the spot where the cut was, followed by Sam. Dean sat on a chair with a growl.

“ How are you feeling?” Sam asked although you already knew the answer to that.

“ Like crap...” Dean answered with a big sarcastic smile that turned into a genuine impatient smile at the sight of pancakes you were bringing towards him. You also poured coffee in a mug and handed it to him. “ Thanks...” He said already cutting his pancakes. “ Any news from Cas?” He asked again before taking his first bite.

“ No...” You answered with a disapointed exhale. Dean’s eyes darkened and he put the fork down. He picked it up again a few moments later and pretended to cut through his pancakes but both you and Sam understood he had no apetitte now. After a few moments of silence you picked up Charlie who needed a diaper change and let Sam and Dean alone. During the time it took you to change Charlie Sam filled Dean in everything you’ve discussed. Sam checked on the cut and then you all were on a rush to pick up your things and your babies’ things so you could leave in the afternoon. By the time Jody came back from work you were all ready. Dean still not feeling very well after last night’s attack he was resting on the couch while you were pacing around with Charlie who was in a little more pain than usual with her teeth and was whining loudly and Sam was playing on the floor with Dean. You all said goodbye to Jody and thanked her for everything.She gave all of you big hugs. You and Sam took some extra time to thank her for everything she did for you and your babies. She acted as if it was nothing but it was everything and you and Sam would thank her properly after all this was over. Since you left quite early you arrived home quite early too. Once you opened the door Dean bursted in yelling excited to be home again. He landed on the couch, grabbed two pillows and held them tight. He closed his eyes.

“ I’ve missed home...” He said and his words were lost a little in the pillows but you could still hear the smile in his voice. Sam walked in after you holding Charlie who had taken a nap in the car but now was awakened by her brother’s excited voice. Dean walked in too right after Sam. Between Dean’s excited exclamations on the couch and Sam trying to talk with his brother over Charlie’s crying while still trying to soothe her you felt like you were in some short of frenzy and you rushed to put things in order again.

“ Dean...” You said loudly so you could be heard. Both your baby and his uncle turned to look at you. You offered Dean who was still standing next to Sam a small smile and turned to your baby. “Dean... Go change and Dad will help you take a bath...ok?”

“ Ok, Mom...” He said and went upstairs while you headed to Sam.

“ I’ve missed my room so much!” You heard Dean yelling from upstairs. You all chuckled as you reached to take Charlie in your arms. She let Sam go somewhat unwillingly but then she got settled in your arms again and continued whining. You were brushing her hair soothingly. Sam kissed her head affectionately and with an apologetic smile to his brother he headed upstairs to help Dean. You turned and looked apologetically at Dean too and you asked him to follow you. You wanted to give him blankets and a pillow so he could sleep on the couch but when you tried to put Charlie on her crib even though you knew it would be temporary she was tightening the grip around your neck and she was crying louder. So you settled for showing him where they were so he could get them himself. And as you were leaving your room ( You still holding Charlie who just seemed to begin to relax and Dean holding a blanket and a pillow) Sam walked in with his shirt soaked.

“ Apparently Dean needs to celebrate the return to our bathtub with even more splashing than usual...” He answered the question in your eyes with a small chuckle. He walked inside to change as you and Dean headed back downstairs. As Dean was making the couch so he could sleep you were pacing all around trying to soothe Charlie who eventually fell asleep and you resisted leaving a sigh of relief. You went upstairs and passed by Dean’s room who had just put his pjs on and was heading downstairs with Sam. He stopped smiling widely ready to wish Charlie goodnight too but You and Sam signaled him to be quiet and he turned his voice into a wisper before it was too late. Sam brushed Charlie’s hair being extra careful not to wake her up wishing her goodnight and you headed to her room and put her back in her crib. You wished her goodnight and left. When you headed back downstairs you saw Dean hugging his uncle and wishing him goodnight too. Then he run to you and you kneeled so you’d have more or less the same hieght and he hugged you too. He wished you goodnight with a kiss and then headed upstairs checking if his Dad was following him to put him to bed. You headed to the kitchen to have a glass of water and Dean followed you to grab a beer. He opened it and sat on the table. You joined him closing your eyes every now and then as you were feeling very tired. But you had this troublesome feeling that didn’t let you sleep. Everything that was going on was running through your mind having all possible outcomes.

“ Are you ok?” Dean asked concerned. You opened your eyes. He probably thought you were feeling dizzy or in pain. You thought that maybe Sam’s outburst last night wasn’t completely uncalled for. You did tend to forget that you were shot less than a week ago and that Cas hadn’t fully healed you.

“ Yes, I’m fine...” You reassured Dean with a small smile. “ You?” You asked after a small pause.

“ The cut hurts mostly...The bump hurts a little too but it’s already shrinking...” He said with a small smile. You nodded but you didn’t smile back.

“ Your chest?” You asked impatiently. Dean was startled by the question. “ When we were talking in my head you said it was still hurting you...” You explained.

“ Yeah...” He said frowning at the memory. “ I haven’t felt it since...” He finally said casually after a small pause. He took a sip of his beer while you were still looking at him with your mind working fast.

“ When was the last time you felt it?” You asked again. He took a few moments to think about it again.

“ I’m not sure...” He answered frowining.

“ When was the last time you felt a strong pain?” You rephrased the question.

“ Before heading into battle with the witches...I think” He said looking at you suspicious. Trying to follow your thoughts.

“ And you never felt again the way you felt the night we captured Sia?” You continued trying to get the picture.

“ No, that was the only time...” He said but his tone wasn’t casual. He was serious and his voice was gruff. He was trying to understand what connection you had made in your mind and he asked you. “ Why?”

“ Just trying to get the picture...” You lied. And it was a lie because something was running through your mind but it really was too early to assume anything. Or tell Dean anything. He understood that.

“ Ok...” He said still looking at you frowning with concentration. He hadn’t let that go. He knew you were suspecting something. But he decided not to push you yet. You heard Sam’s footsteps down the stairs and seconds later he entered the kitchen.

“ Hey...” He greeted you both and then turned to you. “ Dean fell asleep almost immediately...” He said with a smile. “ You should go to sleep too...” He told you. You did need to get some sleep too because tomorrow you decided to go back to work too. You and Sam agreed that it was best for him to stay back and take care of Charlie and his brother. But you felt the need to go back to something that felt like routine and you thought it was better for Dean too if he saw you too getting ready fast for work much like he would. Sam thought it was too early for you to return to work but knowing that he couldn’t change your mind he settled for your promise that you wouldn’t lift any books. “ Unless you don’t want to go to work tomorrow...” He suggested making one last attempt to change your mind that he knew was doomed in the first place. You smiled and got up. You wished Dean good night and brushed Sam’s arm discreetly before heading upstairs. You were counting that you and Sam would tell your goodnights when he’d come to bed because you doubted you’d be able to sleep. And you were right. Although you felt really nice to be back to your bed and you felt a warm feeling when you lied back down to it you still couldn’t sleep. You were tossing and turning unable to relax for quite some time but at least Sam was spending some quality time with his brother. After all you weren’t sure how much of it he had left. You felt the tight feeling in your hand you knew too well and you sat on the bed knowing that you wouldn’t get to sleep no matter what you did. At least not until Sam would come to bed to soothe you to sleep with his presence. Your phone ringing interrupted your thoughts. It was quite late. That could only be Cas and you doubted it was anything good. But at least you needed to know he was fine. You grabbed the phone and picked it up with one move.

“ Cas?” You asked breathlessly.

“ No, Sia...” A calm cold voice answered you. You looked confused but not less interested in the call. But your tone now had changed. Or would have if she had given you the chance to speak. “ I saw your calls....You were looking for me?” She asked.

“ Yes!” You managed to say and opened your mouth to continue and ask everything you wanted but she ineterrupted you again with that cold tone.

“ Good! Tomorrow , I’ll text you where...” She said and hung up before you could make a single sound and you looked at your phone alarmed and stunned...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on November 26... :-)


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for the delay. Something came up and I couldn't have the chapter ready in time...

For a few moments you were just blinking staring at the phone. It took you a few seconds to realise what just happened. Sia called out of the blue agreeing to meet with you. Why? You were under the impression she was hiding. You left your phone on your nightstand slowly like it was a bomb that would go off any time now. Then you kept looking at it for a minute or so as if you were waiting for it to start ringing again. And then you rested your back on the back of the bed and let your thoughts consume you. Something in this phone call screamed trap to you. There was something you didn’t like. Or maybe you were overreacting? No... You weren’t overreacting. She was hididng things from you. She obviously knew something about the deal. And besides that you really had no proof that she was on your side. For all you knew she had no reason to be. She made a temporary alliance with you to get rid of her mother and now there was nothing stopping her from turning on you. She was still a witch after all and you were still hunters. The door made a small sound getting you out of your thoughts. You felt your muscles tense and your hand instinctively reached for your nightstand to find something to use as a weapon as Sam’s tall figure walked in trying to be as silent as possible. You relaxed when you recognised him and he turned around to look at you.

“ You’re still awake?” He asked in a low voice surprised to see you looking back at him.

“ Yeah...” You answered trying to sound casual but instead you sounded distracted. Sam cought that and gave you a confused and curious look.

“ Sia called...” You said replying to his confused expression.

“ When?” He asked completely taken by surprise. He raised his voice being more alert now.

“ A few minutes ago...” You answered. “ She said she wants to meet and she told me she’d text me where...” You said with a deep troubled exhale. Sam nodded and then frowned thinking this through.

“ Sounds like a trap...” He said in a worried tone and gave you a side look to see if you agreed with him. You gave a small nod in response and Sam got up. “ I’m gonna tell Dean...” He said taking a big tired breath and turned to head to the door.

“ Maybe you shouldn’t...” You said and Sam turned to look at you confused. And you rushed to explain. “...not until morning I mean...”

“ What’s the difference?” He asked in a calm low voice trying to understand your thinking.

“ He might actually get to sleep...” You said looking at his eyes. “ If you tell him now his mind will work on that all night...” You explained.

“ Right...” Sam said after a moment of silence. Although he wanted to tell Dean he could understand why it wasn’t a good idea to do it tonight. After a few moments of standing still thinking he climbed on the bed and snuck under the covers. You felt hesitant. You weren’t sure you wanted to lie down. You weren’t sure you wanted to sleep. But you knew you should and eventually you snuck under the covers too. You moved close to Sam and he wrapped his arms around you. He brushed your back in a gentle soothing way. You felt your eyes starting to burn with tireness. You moved a little to get more comfortable.

“ Goodnight...” You said and closed your eyes trying to get lost in sleep.

“ Goodnight...” Sam murmured already half asleep. His hand moving more slowly on your back until it wasn’t any more. You felt you were slowly drifting off too...

You weren’t sure how much time had passed when you opened your eyes again. What you new was that you felt like you never closed them. You closed them again but your brain felt crowded with thoughts. You tried to let those thoughts go. To empty your mind. But somehow that seemed nearly impossible that night. You started moving uncomfortably . You couldn’t stay put no matter how hard you tried. Soon you started feeling warm and you rolled out of Sam’s arms. You lied flat on the bed staring at the ceiling when your eyes started burning again. They slowly started closing again and you started feeling greatful for the sensation. But moments after you closed your eyes new waves of thoughts about...everything...made you open them again. You took a deep breath and recognised the worried feeling in your chest. You turned on your side and you tried to sleep once more but your mind was examining every single sound in the night. Sometimes you opened your eyes alarmed after hearing something that didn’t sound normal. But moments later you’d realise it was nothing to worry about. And you’d try to sleep once more only to open your eyes again to a sound that gave you the impression that Charlie was crying or that Dean got out of his room. And all that made you stay awake with your heartbeat rising for no apparent reason. You found yourself tossing and turning feeling warm and then cold and itchy. The only things that remained the same were this unsettling feeling in your chest caused by the storm in your mind and the inability to let all that go and get some sleep. You were trying not to wake up Sam but apparently you already had more than once. You felt his arm reaching around you and pulling you close in an attempt to calm you down. His touch was more than welcome and you felt grateful he did that. You let him pull you near and let the closeness calm you down like it usually did. You closed your eyes exhausted waiting for the storm to calm and for a moment it felt like it did. But the next moment it was once again raging. And the moment after that you started feeling uncomfortable. Like Sam’s arm around you wasn’t soothing but caging. You gently held his hand and lifted it to get away. You lied flat on the bed again and took a deep breath as if you wanted to make sure you still could and then you opened your eyes disappointed and almost desperate that even Sam’s embrace couldn’t calm you down tonight. The bed started feeling warm again and the mattress felt like it was swallowing you. You threw the covers off feeling like you were escaping lava. You sat on the bed and you found yourself taking deep calm breaths feeling better now that you weren’t lying down. Feeling cooler. But you noticed some difficulty in breathing accompanying your crowded thoughts. You felt your muscles tense again. You felt like you needed to escape but there really was no escape because what you were trying to get away from was in your head. You wanted to escape your thoughts, your worries but you knew you couldn’t and that only made you feel like you were suffocating even more. You decided to take a walk. To clear your head to calm down. You got up and you didn’t even bother to get dressed. You headed for the door as if that was your escape. You didn’t turn on any lights and you tried to be as quiet as possible. You were very careful going down the stairs and very quiet. You walked to the door and before you could reach to open it you felt a gun on your head.

“ Make another move...” You heard Dean’s familiar gruff voice and his provoking tone. You couldn’t see him in the darkness. You could barely see the gun he was pointing at you.

“ Dean...” You said calmly so he could recognise your voice and stand down. You mostly felt him relax than saw him. He put down the gun and he turned on the light.

“ What the hell are you doing?” He asked gruffly still somewhat alarmed.

“ I’m going for a walk...” You answered and turned to open the door eager to get out now that the misunderstanding was resolved.

“Ok...” Dean said in a sarcastic tone. “ What the hell do you **think** you’re doing?” He asked and you let the door to look at him as you felt anger boil inside you. You didn’t like his tone.

“ I need to get some air...” You said trying to keep your voice calm but your eyes were locked angrily on him. He didn’t care and he barely let you finish your sentence before answering.

“ No! You’re going for a walk in the middle of the night alone with no gun after being shot less than a week ago!” He said angrily back trying to keep his voice down too.You opened your mouth to say something but you didn’t know what. He was right. You were being reckless. You wanted so much to get out that you couldn’t think of anything else. You rested your back on the door.

“ You’re right...” You admitted in a calm voice and you finally saw Dean relax. You took a deep breath. The air you took in didn’t feel like enough. You still wanted to open the door and get the hell out. But the rational part of your brain started putting things together as your hands started trembling. It’s been a long time...

“ Are you alright?” Dean asked looking at you confused but not otherwise alarmed. No...No you were not alright. You were panicking. You were at the edge of a panic attack and the only thing that was now keeping you from it was your attempts to regulate your breaths.

“ Yeah...” You lied and unwillingly stepped away from the door. You felt like you desperately needed some time alone. That you desperately needed to walk. But you couldn’t. Not at this point. And you couldn’t let this go to a full blown panic attack. What if Charlie needed you and you were unable to go to her? What if you wake up Dean with your panicked breathing and he gets scared seeing you like this? Those thoughts only made you feel worse and you tried to block them.

“ Why did you want to go out?” Dean asked but it was only part of you that was listening to him as you were trying to quiet the roaring thoughts in your head. You just looked at him trying to think of an excuse. But it took you too long. “ Got it...” He said without looking at you. You weren’t sure what he got but he sounded hurt. Your mind wasn’t working right to understand what just happened but his tone hurt you too somehow. And once again you felt the unbearable need to get away. From everything! “ Well...You should try to get some sleep...” He said again gruffly.

“ Yeah...” You said once again and you faked a smile before going up the stairs. You entered your room again and you sat on the bed. You felt greatful Sam was still sleeping. You were feeling that if he figured out that something was up you’d break. And you couldn’t break. You had to save Dean! You had to save Cas! You needed to take care of your children! Your children! They couldn’t see you like this! You couldn’t break! You were trying to gain control over your breaths as your hands were trembling even more. You closed your eyes trying to soothe yourself. That everything would be alright. You climbed on the bed with really slow moves and put your head on the pillow. Once again that felt welcome and you were breathing better now. Your hands felt weak but they gradually stopped trembling. You reached for Sam’s hand and held it tight and somehow that made you relax even more. Your eyes closed and to your surprise you actually slept.

“ (Y/N)...” You heard Sam’s voice and you felt a hand shaking you softly. But though the touch was gentle it made you feel alarmed and you opened your eyes taking a deep breath. Your heart racing in your chest. “ Nightmare?” Sam asked you as your heartbeat was returning to normal when you saw him.

“ Yeah...” You lied and tried to smile. Sam nodded. He seemed troubled. “ It’s time... I’ll wake up Dean... But first let me check the wound...” He said to you and sat up. You lifted your shirt and he run his fingers on the wound as gently as possible. He gave you a reassuring smile and a nod. You smiled back to him and let your shirt fall on your belly again. He then leaned and pressed his lips on yours in a firm loving kiss that you really needed at this point. Then he got up to get dressed. You did the same and felt greatful that you’d go back to work. That something would take your mind away from last night. You got dressed as fast as you could so you could go check on Charlie who was still sleeping and then help Dean get ready for school. By the time you walked out of your room Dean was also walking out of his accompanied by Sam.

“ Goodmorning,Mom...” He said smiling widely and sleepily. He moved close to you and hugged you. You exhaled deeply smiling too .

“ Goodmorning,Baby...” You said and leaned to kiss the top of his head. Satisfied he pulled back and run downstairs. “ I’ll go check on Charlie...” You said to Sam with a smile. Sam opened his mouth to say something but your baby’s voice from downstairs interrupted him.

“MOM,DAD...UNCLE DEAN MADE BREAKFAST!” And that statement was followed by Charlie’s crying from the next room.

“ I’ll bring her down...” You chuckled.

“Ok...” Sam said and you walked past each other. You walked in Charlie’s room whose face had gotten red with crying.

“ Oh, come on, baby...It’s ok...” You said soothingly and leaned to lift her from her crib. She ignored your soothing words and put her little arms tight around your neck. Her fists clenched while still crying. You were brushing her back gently trying to calm her down and you headed downstairs.

“...I know,Buddy, but you woke up Charlie...” You heard Sam’s calm voice talking to Dean about yelling.

“ Sorry,Dad....” Dean aswered as you were walking in the kitchen with Charlie whining.

“ It’s ok, Buddy...Just keep your voice down next time...” Sam said and kissed Dean’s head who was eating his breakfast while heading your way. He took Charlie from your arms so you could have breakfast. Your baby was already eating and as you were watching Sam and Charlie Dean’s gruff voice interrupted you.

“Hey...” He said and you turned around to look at him smiling. He seemed grumpier than usual. Your smile faded a little. He handed you a mug. “ No sugar...” He told you with a smile and turned to keep drinking his coffee. You slowly brought the mug to your lips and tasted the hot coffee. Sam had tried to give Charlie her bottle and even a cookie but she wasn’t interested in any of that. Apparently she was in pain again and Sam started walking around the kitchen rocking her gently to calm her down. You turned to Dean and ask him how the cut in his chest was. After he reassured both you and Sam that he was feeling better you all engaged in some small talk. You noticed Sam giving you some side looks as if he was checking if you were alright. He apparently felt you last night being so upset but you didn’t get the chance to talk to him about it. And you probably wouldn’t get the chance to do it before getting back from work. You did give him a reasuring smile though so that he wouldn’t worry. Although you weren’t sure whether he should worry or not. You were hoping it would never happen again any time soon. When your baby was done with his breakfast you checked the time and turned to him.

“ Dean, you only have about five minutes...Hurry you need to wash your teeth...” You said.

“ Yes, Mom...” He said and run towards the stairs. Charlie finally stopped crying and Sam put her on her rocking chair. A few moments later the doorbell rang as the school bus was there for Dean. And just in time Dean walked down the stairs and run in the kitchen.

“ Bye,Dad, Bye uncle Dean...”

“ Have a nice day,Buddy...”

“ See you around,Kiddo”

You heard the voices from the kitchen as you were running to open the door. You greeted Dean’s teacher and Dean run from the kitchen to you. He gave you a tight hug and after you kissed him goodbye he left for school. You grabbed your things and headed to the kitchen too.

“ I have to go too...” You announced. You kissed Charlie’s head who giggled and then you moved close to Sam. You noticed Dean turning away pretending to fill up his mug with coffee again trying to be discreet. And that made you hesitate. Evetually you and Sam shared a hug which wasn’t enough for you that morning but you had to go.

“ I’ll see you all when I get back...” You said pulling back with a smile towards Charlie who was staring at you. Dean offered you a small smile as goodbye. “ I’ll call if Sia texts...” You added and Sam nodded but Dean looked at you confused.

“ Sia?” He asked looking at you confused. You turned to Sam confused too.

“ You didn’t tell him?” You asked.

“ I didn’t get the chance...” Sam said apologetically.

“ Ok...” You said figuring out you still had a few minutes. “ So...” You turned to Dean. “ Sia called, she wants to meet she said she’d text the location...” You said in short.

“ Hold on!...” Dean started saying gruffly but you interrupted him.

“ We’re not doing anything until we discuss it...” You reassured him. They both nodded and so did you. And this time you finally turned around to leave. You felt calmer when you walked out of the house. You had the chance even for a few minutes to be alone and you needed it. But your thoughts started to trouble you again. Mostly worrying... About Cas...about Dean about your kids about Sam and pretty much everything and everyone. Your mind run back to the panic attack you almost had the previous night. Dean probably understood that you were upset but he probably didn’t know why or how bad it was. And you felt it was better that way.You just had a bad night. You didn’t want Sam or Dean to worry.Today everything would be better. Somewhere inside you doubted that but you ignored that feeling. You walked in the library and were greeted by a very grumpy mrs Feegs having some passive aggressive behavior towards you because you left her alone for so long. You made a few excuses and got straight to work.You just let her do her thing for as long as she wanted and eventually she was back to her old cranky self with everyone else. You felt much calmer working. But you didn’t forget about Sia. You kept your phone close in case she called or texted and you waited. You didn’t have any news until noon. Then you got a text from Sia that read. “ _Not today.Tomorrow. Be alone.”_ Although you were curious about the postponement the part you were most interested in was the fact that she was asking you to be alone. You called Sam to inform him and Dean about the text. You could hear Dean playing with his uncle in the background when he picked up.

“ (Y/N)...” Sam said when he picked up the phone ready to hear what you had to say. You understood from his tone that he had realised you wanted to inform them about Sia. But still something in his voice gave you the impression that somewhere inside he was worried that something happened to you.

“ Hey...” You greeted him too and your voice was warm and gentle. You heard him breath somewhat relieved. “ Sia texted me...” You started explaining. “ But it wasn’t the location...She postponed the meeting and also asked me to be alone...” You emphasized the last words implying what Sam had already assumed.

“ Trap...” Sam chuckled as if what he was suspecting had just been confirmed.

“ Probably...” You agreed. “ We’ll talk about it when I get home...” You concluded. “ I love you...” You said before hanging up and you waited to hear Sam’s warm voice on the other side.

“ I love you too...” He said and you could hear the smile in his face. You hung up and you went back to work. When you were done you took some time to pick a book for your baby and then you got out of the library. On your way home you got a phone call from the sheriff. He wanted to see how you were feeling after being shot. But you had trouble hearing him. He was apparently calling without his wife knowing and he was wispering. You finally hung up when you arrived at your front door. You opened the door and walked in.

“ Moooom” You heard before being greeted with a huge hug from Dean.

“ Hey, Baby...” You greeted him.A wide smile formed on your lips. You leaned and kissed his head as he was pulling back.

“ Mom, will you play with me and uncle Dean?” He asked and you lifted your head to see Dean sitting on the floor with a bunch of toys.

“ Not tonight, Baby...” You said apologetically. “ I’m really tired and you need to be in bed soon... But I’ll read to you tonight...”

“ Ok...” He said somewhat disappointed you couldn’t play but happy you’d read to him before sleeping. He moved to go sit on the floor again playing with his uncle. He greeted you with a smilie. It was obvious he was in a much better mood now.

“ Dean...I almost forgot...” You started saying again. Both your baby and his uncle turned to look at you. You smiled to Dean apologetically for the confusion and you focused on your baby. “ I brought you a new one...Put it in your nightstand for tonight...” You said showing Dean the small book you were carrying.

“ Yes!” He said excited and run towards you to take the book from your hands. “ Thank you,Mom!” He said and after you handed him the book he run towards the stairs.

“ You’re welcome...” You chuckled lightly and turned around to head to the kitchen where Charlie’s crying was coming from. You saw a quite tired Sam walking around the kitchen wispering soothing words to your baby girl that had made his shirt wet with tears.

“ Hey...” He greeted you in a tired voice once you walked in and then turned to Charlie again who was still crying.

“ Hey...” You greeted him too with a smile and moved closer to him. You’ve missed him. You brushed his arm affectionately and he turned to look at you. You smiled as you saw his features relax into a small troubled but warm smile. You took Charlie in your arms who continued crying. You kissed the top of her head lovingly and wispered soothingly in her ear.

“ How was your day?” Sam asked stretching and heading for a chair. He was really tired. Apparently Charlie was crying for hours.

“ Filled with books...” You chuckled lightly. “ How was yours?” You asked. He brushed his eyes and then looked at you again to answer.

“ Charlie’s been crying all day and I didn’t get to do laundry...” He said.

“ That’s ok...I’ll do it...” You replied with a smile.

“ No...You’ve been all day at work...You need to get some rest...” He objected.

“ No...I’m good...” You answered thinking that your day at work wasn’t that hard. And he was clearly more tired than you were.

“ You’ve been shot less than a week ago...” He said in a gruff voice to remind you as if you ever forgot. He got up and took Charlie from your arms. Of course he wouldn’t let you hold her for too long. You didn’t want to let her go but you had to admit that you were feeling your wound stretch a little.

“ I can do laundry...” You said and Sam looked at you disapproovingly. “ I promise if I feel uncomfortable at all I’ll stop...” You reassured him with a smile. He still didn’t like it but he nodded just as Dean walked in the kitchen too.

“ Hey...Any news from Sia?” He greeted you and went straight to the point.

“ No...not since the last text...” You answered turning to look at him.

“ It’s a trap...” Dean said without hesitation.

“ Yeah...” Sam agreed in a second. You didn’t answer. You agreed too but your mind had already started working on what to do.

“ You’re not seriously thinking of going alone, are you?!” Sam chuckled in disbelief misreading your expression. You looked at him confused.

“ Hell, no!” You answered determined. You would never be that reckless. You wouldn’t go alone to something that so obviously was a trap. Dean gave you a suspicious look. He gave you the impression he was trying to read your expression but when you looked at him his expression turned to one of deep thought.

“ So what do we do?” He asked calmly.

“ I think I should meet her...” You said and both Sam and Dean gave you a side look ready to object if that statement wasn’t accompanied by an actual plan. And as they were expecting it was.“ I’ll aproach her alone but you’ll be nearby watching the whole thing...Ready to interfere if you have to...” You said.

“ I don’t like it!...You’re still recovering and who knows how many ways this could go wrong before either of us could get there...” Sam objected and Dean nodded in agreement.

“ I say we all go...together” Dean said looking at you and Sam.

“ She’s not stupid... she’ll be expecting that... What if she’s planning a trap for all of us?...In that case we’re all screwed!” You objected too. For a few moments you were all looking at each other without really looking. You were lost in your thoughts. Trying to come up with a good plan. And after a while Sam looked at his brother and you again with a mischievous smile on his face.

“ Unless we set a trap first...” He said. “ Once she texts you where...” He said to you. “ We’ll set a trap to avoid the trap...” He concluded not knowing the details yet. That sounded good. It certainly sounded like your best option. You nodded in agreement. Dean thought about it for a while and nodded too.

“ That’s more like it...” He exclaimed smiling.

“ Yeah...” You answered. “ We’ll talk about this more after the kids go to bed...” You said and got up. You kissed Charlie’s head who was finally calming down. Sam and Dean nodded and after announcing you’d do laundry you turned around and left the kitchen. You went upstairs and you checked on Dean who was arranging the books he kept on his nightstand putting the new one on top and then you headed to the basket with all the dirty clothes. The first thing you did was check in the pockets. You were mostly worried about your baby’s pants because he had a habit lately of shoving pencils in his pockets. But you also checked everyone else’s clothes for coins and receipts and who knows what else. You put everything somewhere on the side seperating them in four piles to know what was your baby’s, Sam’s,Dean’s or yours. Mostly you found pencils and a few coins in Sam’s pants. Until you found Dean’s jacket in the basket. You seperated it from the rest of the clothes because you noticed a few drops of blood on it. Sam had already seperated the bloody clothes from the other ones but you didn’t know where he had them. You’d put the jacket there too but since you had it in your hands now you could as well check the pockets. You started searching every pocket as usual but when you checked the big one you felt something like a small ball inside. You searched confused. It was soft and it had something on one side that you couldn’t quite figure out. But it gave you the impression it was made out of some short of cloth? You got it out and your heart skipped a beat! You felt cold sweat down your forehead! It was a small ( admittedly much smaller than usual) hexbag!You swallowed hard... Many things started crossing your mind in a second but you knew one thing for sure. This wasn’t good...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on December 10... :-)


	56. Chapter 56

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who's who?

You held the hex bag up to your eyes and slowly turned it around with your fingers to examine it. Your mind was working like crazy. It was unusually small but that definitely didn’t make it less dangerous. Why was it planted in Dean’s jacket? How come it didn’t affect him at all? How come he didn’t notice? Your mind crossed a terrifying suspicion. You swallowed hard as you felt your forehead and palms get sweaty. Shouldn’t he have noticed? Your mind run back to when he first came back. How suspicious you were.That it wasn’t him. That something wasn’t right. But it was him. He proved it time and time again.You knew it was him. But that didn’t make you less suspicious. There were a million ways his mind or judgement could have been compromised. And you recently faught a really powerful witch. But that should be more recent. He was acting like Dean with no hex bags in his clothes until...Well until now...Did something happened and you didn’t notice? Did the angels do something to him? Who knows what could have happened. But then he is not stupid. Either you or Sam would check the pockets of his jackets while doing laundry and he knew that. Was he counting on doing laundry himself to “help”? But he showed no concern when you announced you would. If it was his and was intended for you or even if he just knew it was there he would have removed it or he wouldn’t have put the jacket with all the other clothes. Unless he wasn’t the one who put his jacket there. Maybe he wasn’t aware his jacket was with the other dirty clothes. Maybe Sam gathered his clothes without him knowing what he picked. Your heart skipped a beat at the realisation that you were actually suspecting Dean again. But how could you? After everything that happened since he came back? You hated yourself for that suspicion. You knew that things might not be as they seem. But you couldn’t ignore the possibility that they are as they seem. And still you didn’t really believe that Dean knew about the hex bag. But maybe you didn’t want to believe he knew. You pushed yourself to think rationally. If Dean wasn’t Dean your babies’ lives, Sam’s Dean’s and your own were in danger. You just couldn’t afford to take ny risks. You felt your forehead getting cold and you realised it was soaked in sweat. Your knees felt weak. You heard your baby’s excited voice as he was going back downstairs. You turned your head towards the sound panickedly. Burn it! You had to burn it! You looked around as if you’d find something to burn it in there. But a moment later you started to think more rationally. You couldn’t burn it just yet. You needed to examine it. You needed to see what the hell was it meant to do. And who was it meant for . You were feeling uneasy now that both your babies were downstairs. You wanted to call for Sam but you didn’t want them to be alone with Dean. You hated yourself for that thought. You’d trust Dean with your kids’ lives without a second thought. But you couldn’t ignore the fact that this might not be the Dean that would protect them without a second thought. You needed to know they were safe. You walked to the door and yelled to be heard.

“ Dean, it’s time for bed...Say goodnight and I’ll come to read to you in a few minutes...” You tried to keep your voice steady and to your surprise it sounded both steady and calm.

“ Yes, Mom...” You heard Dean’s voice in the distance.

“ Sam, once you put Charlie in her crib could you come and help me here?” You asked trying to sound like you were struggling with the clothes’ weight.

“ I’ll be right there...” You heard Sam answering you. You closed the door and waited for him. You sat on a small chair you had in there and continued to examine the hex bag waiting for Sam. A few moments later you heard footsteps outside. You recognised your baby walking to his room and Sam following with slow careful steps. Charlie must have been feeling sleepy and he was doing his best not to upset her. But she was still whining. You weren’t sure how long she would stay in her crib before she’d start crying again. Maybe she was too exhausted and she’d fall asleep immediately. Sam was so tired too and you were about to drop another bomb on him. You took a deep breath closing your eyes in the process. Half hoping that the burden you were feeling inside would go away. But when you opened them again it was still there. You felt yourself wishing Cas was there. And immediately you changed it. You wished Cas was fine. Safe... Cause once again you doubted any of you were safe. You burried your head in your palms in an attempt to isolate yourself from your thoughts but you already knew it wouldn’t work. Still you tried and stayed in that position until you heard the door open. Sam walked in casually and you raised your head to look at him.

“ Are you alright?” He asked calmly. Your face probably had a grim expression and a sick colour. And that was enough to alarm him. You got up before he could come close to you. You didn’t have to get up but you wanted him to see you were walking fine and calm down. But maybe that wan’t necessary after all cause he didn’t seem too upset. He probably understood that you were feeling fine physically.

“ Define alright...” You said sarcastically heading to the door. “Physically I’m perfect...” You said closing the door as silently as possible and then you turned to look at Sam to answer to his confused expression.You showed him the hex bag without wasting a second. His face turned white and he swallowed hard instantly recognising it for what it was. He reached shocked and worried and took it from your hands with a sudden move.

“ Where did you find it?” He asked trying to keep his voice down too. He wasn’t looking at you.You took a deep breath knowing that he wouldn’t like the answer.

“ In Dean’s jacket...” You informed him. You saw his expression get even more shocked. He looked around and he saw Dean’s jacket along with the other clothes.

“How...He was fine...Nothing happened...” He started saying puzzled. You looked straight into his eyes and waited for him to think what you had. You saw him pause for a second as he made the connection and then his eyes met yours. “ No!” He said without a second thought raising a finger to you to stop you from thinking what he just thought too. You raised your eyebrows to him to show him he had no other choice than to face the possibility. His eyes were moving from your eyes to your hands and to your eyes again.

“ I know, Sam! But we can’t be sure Dean is Dean!” You said in a low voice. Sounding as calm as possible.

“ Dean?” He asked. He gave you the impression he was confused for a second but then he went on. “ (Y/N) we know he’s Dean!” He objected.

“ I’m not doubting he’s Dean physically... I don’t think he is a shifter or a demon...He still has all his memories...He still acts like Dean...” You rushed to explain. “I’m doubting he’s the Dean we know in there...” You said pointing with your finger to your head. He rolled his eyes not sure what to think. But he seemed calmer now. Maybe because he thought that couldn’t be the case.

“ Do you really think Dean is not our Dean?” He asked you when he looked at you again. You expected him to object more but apparently he couldn’t deny the possibility.

“ My gut tells me he is our Dean...” You said without a second of hesitation. And then you took a deep breath and let your head fall back for a moment before looking at Sam again. “ But after all that we’ve been through can you blame me for being scared?” You asked.

“ No...” He said in a low gruff voice and opened his arms for you. You walked in and he closed you in a welcome embrace that was a little tighter than usual. A moment later you pulled slightly back but you kept your hands on his chest. “ What do we do with that?” He asked raising the hex bag between you as he was brushing your back with his other hand. His hand moving a little faster than usual. He was still upset.

“ We examine it?” You said unsure.

“ Yeah...” Sam agreed. “ Maybe we shouldn’t ask Dean about it?...I mean it looks like he is trying not to raise any suspicions so maybe we should play along...for now...” He said to you in a gruff voice unsure about this too. You were surprised by that but you agreed with him.

“ I don’t think it’s a good idea either... If it was his he’ll lie...or attack us...” You saw Sam swallowing hard. And you felt your heart tighten that you couldn’t tell him or yourself that it wasn’t Dean’s just yet. Sam nodded and you brushed his cheek in a futile attempt to comfort both him and yourself.

“ Mooom...When will you come?” You heard Dean complaining.

“ In a minute...” You answered.

“ I’ll hold on to this...” Sam said and put the hex bag in his pocket.

“ Not on you!” You said in a low panicked voice.

“ Right...”He said to you and closed it in his palm. You both walked out and Sam headed to your room to put it somewhere safe. You headed first to Charlie’s room who was asleep exhausted from crying all day. You moved close to her and brushed her head so gently hoping that she wouldn’t wake up. Then you slowly headed out without saying a single word as you were scared this could wake her up. And then you headed to Dean’s room who was lying on his bed hugging his new book. His eyelids were already heavy but his eyes brightened up when you walked in. He smiled to you widely and moved to the side so you could sit next to him. He handed you the book and then he made himself comfortable in your arms so he could watch the pictures. It didn’t take him long to fall asleep which was a relief for you as you were feeling very tired after a whole day at work and the sleepless night you went through. You were hoping this one would be better but after what you found you were pretty sure you wouldn’t get to sleep tonight either no matter how much you tried. You were ready to head downstairs because the hex bag you found wasn’t changing the fact that you still had to talk about the trap you’d set on Sia. You found Dean in the kitchen drinking his beer. You took a deep breath and tried to sound casual.

“ Where is Sam?” You asked. “ Shouldn’t we talk about the trap?” You said reaching to get a glass of water.

“ He went to bed...” Dean answered you in a gruff voice. His eyes locked on you again as if he was trying to read you. Was your voice giving anything away? “ He was very tired...And Charlie hasn’t stopped crying since he came back from the grocery store...” Dean explained.

“ He went to the grocery store?” You asked after drinking your water and opened the fridge to see if he bought any apple juice for Dean.

“ Yeah...A little after you spoke on the phone...” He answered you. “ He was very tired when he came back...” He added as you spotted the apple juice in the fridge.

“ Ok...We’ll talk tomorrow...” You said. “ Goodnight...” You added casually and turned around to leave the kitchen.

“ Goodnight...” Dean answered in a gruff voice. You went up the stairs and straight to your room.You thought about sleeping with Dean or Charlie to keep an eye on them but you knew you’d hear it if anything was going on in the hallway and even the living room. You found Sam lying on the bed. He seemed a little uncomfortable. He was still worried.You lied down next to him. He smiled to you a little and he slowly slid his hand over your belly.

“ Does it hurt?” He asked as his fingers lingered a little on your wound.

“ I barely feel it...” You said and turned to smile to him a little. He chuckled and moved a little closer to you. He leaned and pressed his lips on yours. A harder...different kiss that for a moment stunned you as his hand was slowly sliding further down. You pulled back as his kiss became more passionate. He looked at you a bit surprised.

“ You said we wouldn’t be having sex until I fully heal...” You chuckled being mostly sarcastic. But Sam flinched.

“ Right...” He said and his hand returned to your waist. He then smiled to you and lied back on the bed with a big sigh. You looked at him. For a moment you thought you should go for it and reassure him that you were feeling fine. But then something stopped you. Something felt different that night. Maybe the tiring day, finding the hex bag, having no news from Cas. Everything was taking its toll on you and you shouldn’t even be considering sex with everything that was going on. You just didn’t want it that night...But somehow you felt like there was more to it than that but you couldn’t figure out what...You both closed your eyes and tried to sleep.But Sam’s eyes popped open every once in a while as his thoughts crowded his mind much like yours did. He was probably tired and he didn’t reach to hold you. You tried to do for him what he tried to do for you the previous night. You moved close to him and touched his cheek gently with your hand.Slowly you made your way to his neck. He briefly closed his eyes trying to embrace the comfort he was feeling but his thoughts stopped him. He opened his eyes again and turned to look at you. He stretched slightly so his lips could touch yours in a casual kiss. Really brief and really light and... different...foreign... You blinked surprised but smiled tenderly when he pulled back. He didn’t smile back still looking troubled but he lifted his arm to embrace you and pulled you closer so he could hold you. You run your hand under his other arm that was holding you now too. You slid yours to the center of his back and brushed it gently. His hand stretched to your lower back and that didn’t feel that comfortable. You closed your eyes trying to sleep too but this didn’t feel as it usually did. Soon you realised that sleeping was close to impossible that night. Soon you gave in to the urge to pull back but that didn’t work either. Both you and Sam got up during the night to get out of bed for a few minutes and then you returned hoping you’d sleep. You only got a few breaks of sleep during the whole night so when you woke up the next day you were both still tired. You told Sam to stay in bed (since Charlie hadn’t waken up yet) so he could get some more sleep. But he insisted on helping you getting Dean ready for school and making breakfast. So he got up too and soon you were all ready. Dean was awake too and helped Sam with breakfast. Sam was being cautious when he was talking to him. He wasn’t cold because he didn’t want to believe that his brother wasn’t his brother but he couldn’t ignore the rational part of his brain either. You were cautious too but just like Sam you knew that if Dean had anything to do with that hex bag he wasn’t in his right mind. As for that hex bag you and Sam agreed it was better for you to take it to the library to examine it and also burn it.Sam disagreed at first. He believed it was much better if you left it in his care. But you insisted and he eventually gave in. It wasn’t wise or safe for any of you if you kept that hex bag in your home or brought it back. So you put it in your pocket ( you weren’t that scared of carrying it arround anymore since nothing had happened since you found it...or before) and went back downstairs to wait for the school bus as Sam opened the door to leave. You were out of milk and he had to make a run fast before Charlie would wake up. And she was already late so she’d wake up any minute now. You agreed you’d stay until he came back so you could all talk about the trap after Dean would be off to school. And just as he closed the door behind him after wishing both his brother and your baby goodbye in a hurry you saw the school bus from the window with the corner of your eye.

“ Dean...Time to go...” You announced in a loud voice so that Dean would hear you in the kitchen. He came running out and then turned back to greet his uncle as he was walking out too. You held Dean’s jacket up so he could wear it and as he was putting it on you made a sudden move and you tripped putting your hand in front of you to stop you from falling.

“ Mom...Are you ok? I’m sorry...”Dean said apologetically turning to look at you and help you get up but you were already getting up.

“ I’m ok,baby...” You smiled casually. “ Just be more careful next time...” You concluded as you were helping him put the other sleeve on. Then you leaned and kissed him goodbye. He gave you a tight hug just as the doorbell rang. You thought you saw with the corner of your eye Dean kneeling down but you didn’t turn around to look as you were handing Dean to his teacher and you saw them getting on the school bus together. Dean turned around to wave at you and you waved back smiling widely. When the bus door closed you closed the door too still smiling. And then you heard the familiar sound of a gun being loaded. You felt your heart racing in your chest and your mind was instantly looking for ways to get out of this. Something to use as a weapon. You felt cold sweat starting to run down your forehead and you tunred around steadily. You saw Dean pointing a gun at you. You could hear your heartbeat in your ears. You swallowed hard but you tried to hide from him both the movement and the sound looking at him confident.

“Care to tell me what that is?” He said sarcastically in a threatening tone. His eyes looked for a brief moment at his left hand. And for the first time you noticed he was rolling something in his fingers. Your hand instictivelly searched in your pocket. “ It fell from your pocket...” He explained. “ So...You’re not stupid enough to carry a hex bag with you just in case...Witch expert or not...” He smiled threateningly at you. “ And the gesture you made to your pocket means you already knew it was there... So I’m going to ask again...What the hell are you doing with a freaking hex bag...?” His eyebrows angled as he was looking at you angry and full of suspicion. But you felt your muscles relax. The fact that he was that suspicious and that shocked finding the hex bag was an indication that he had no idea where you found it. And the fact that he asked about **a** hex bag and not **the** hex bag meant that he hadn’t recognised it. So he probably didn’t know it was in his jacket. Still. How come he didn’t notice? You decided it wasn’t wise to let your guard down completely just yet.

“ Relax, Dean...I can explain...” You started saying but you weren’t sure how you could explain this. You were reluctant to tell him the truth. On the off chance he was just covering his tracks ( although you really didn’t believe it) he was pointing a gun at you and he could shoot you at any moment.

“ Ok...I’m all ears...” He said and held the gun with both hands. “And start by telling me where the hell you were going... Because I’m sure as hell it wasn’t a walk!” He said in the same threatening and suspicious tone. It took you a moment to realise he was talking about the night you almost had a panic attack. That question got you by surprise. What the hell was he thinking? And you didn’t like the suspicious look on his face at all.

“ What?!” You asked surprised and confused. “ Where the hell do you think I was going?” You asked sarcastically and pissed off as you had no idea what was running through his mind right now.

“ Ok!...You wanna know what I think?” He asked as his eyes were locked on yours. “ Fine!... I think that you...were going to find Sia...cause you’re working for her...” He said with a side glance at the hex bag still on his hand. “And I also think...that you’re not (Y/N)...At least not the (Y/N) I know...” He concluded and looked at you waiting for an answer. For a moment you were shocked when you heard that. Not so much because he thought you weren’t you because that’s what you thought for him too. You were mostly shocked that because of the panic attack you almost had he thought you were off to find Sia. After a few moments you came back from the shock and answered.

“ Then why would I ever tell you about the tcall?” But you had that question answered yourself before you could even finsih yout sentence. And Dean said exactly what you thought he would.

“ Trap...” His gruff voice sounded calm and treatening as he was still pointing the gun steadily at you. You took a deep breath. You were feeling uneasy now. Up until that moment you thought you could easily make him see that it was you but now you started feeling that this would be tougher than you thought. The only thing you could do was go with the truth.

“ Ok...” You said and exhaled deeply. You saw Dean tense as he was suspecting some sort of fake surrender from you. But you went on. “ I wasn’t going to find Sia...I was at the edge of a panic attack...” You started explaining but he interrupted you before you could finish.

“ Nice try...” He chuckled. “(Y/N) doesn’t have panic attacks...” He said confidently more eager to shoot you.

“ Yes, I do...” You answered truthfully looking straight into his eyes. And now you weren’t talking to someone who was holding a gun at you. You were talking to Dean. “ Ever since you died...” You said and paused as memories of the intense pain and your voice calling for him in your head came back. You took a deep breath and continued. “I had a lot of them at first...And I haven’t had any for years but after being shot and with everyone I love in danger of dying or already dying I think I had it coming...” You answered calmly but inside you were feeling your heart beating faster and your palms getting sweaty. You saw Dean flinch. In a matter of seconds you noticed a shortness of breath and realised the first symptoms of losing control. But after taking a deep breath through your nose you started gaining control again. Dean was still pointing his gun at you but you recognised his expression had turned into something different. He wanted to look cold but you could see the pain behind it. And self doubt. Because he couldn’t know. You could be telling the truth.

“ And the hex bag?” He asked gruffly. And now you had almost no doubt that he was really Dean. So you decided to go with the truth. But still being cautious.

“ You tell me...” You said calmly.

“ What?” He aksed confused.

“ I found it in your jacket last night...” You explained looking straight into his eyes looking for any sign that could tell you where this was going.

“ My jacket?” He asked even more confused staring at the jacket that was hunging behind you. “What the hell were you doing searching my jacket in the first place?” He asked gruffly tightening his fingers around the gun. His eyes full of suspicion again.

“ Not that jacket...” You clarified dismissing his point with your hand. “ I found it in your pocket when I was doing laundry...” You explained. He chuckled.

“ Ok...Cut the crap!...There was no hex bag in my jacket so why don’t you stop turning this on me and tell me the truth before I shoot you...” He said angrily and threateningly again. The suspicion in his eyes even worse. And you smiled. He looked at you ready to pull the trigger misinterpreting this for surrender or threatening smile. But you just smiled because the more this was going on the more certain you were that this was really Dean. He on the other hand was becoming even more certain that you weren’t really (Y/N). So you decided to continue with the truth so both your doubts would go away.

“ When was the last time you wore that jacket...?” You asked calmly.

“ What makes you think I’ll answer...?” He said gruffly and his fingers tightened around the gun again.

“ The fact that you haven’t shot me yet...” You answered smiling. “That means you’re still not sure I’m not (Y/N)...But I’m not sure you’re really Dean...” You saw him flinch with confusion at that statement . “ I did find the hex bag in your jacket! So if we both wanna know for sure what’s going on...We’d better work this out!”You concluded. He was still looking at you suspicious and threatening trying to decide. But before he could the door busted open and you both turned to look at Sam who looked at you confused for a second and then put his hand in front of you to protect you.

“ What are you doing?” He asked Dean sounding upset.

“ Sam, It’s fine...” You said and brushed his arm to calm him down. He let his hand down and turned to look at you confused. You expected more resistance but it was his brother and he still trusted him and you just told him that everything was fine. “ I dropped the hex bag and Dean thinks that it is mine just like we thought it is his...” You explained and you saw Dean look at you confused.

“ Ok...Let me just get this straight...” He said and chcukled lightly. “ **You** say you found a hex bag on my jacket...And you know about this?” Dean turned and asked Sam.

“ Yeah! She called for me and showed it to me...” He said confidently.

“ Wait!” Dean said looking at Sam with the same suspicious look. “She showed you?” He asked. “ You didn’t see it in my jacket! She just showed you and told you it was **in** my jacket!...Then how the hell I didn’t notice?” He said and raised his gun again at you. You chuckled and were ready to tell him that there was a good chance he was the one who put it there from your point of view. Even though you didn’t really belive it anymore. But then Sam moved from in front of you. He turned around so he could face you but he was not blocking Dean’s gun. He had an expression on his face like he was truly seeing you for the first time. Your eyes turned wide and your jaw dropped. You really didn’t see that coming! You felt your heart racing and now you knew you were in trouble! Sam started stepping back and stood next to his brother.

“ Really?!” You asked breathlessly. “ You think I planted it?” You said in shock.

“ You insisted on doing laundry...And I didn’t see it in Dean’s jacket...You were holding it...” He explained in a calm and confident voice. “ And it’s the same question. How come Dean didn’t notice there was a hex bag in his jacket...?” He asked.

“ Maybe because he knew it was there in the first place and he is playing us against each other...” You said outraged. Not really because you believed that was the case. Mostly because that was the only way you saw to create doubt between them and get some time to prove your inocence and figure out what was really going on.

“ I think it’s you who’s playing us against each other...” He said calmly and he and Dean shared a look of reassurance. Your jaw dropped again! How could he be so sure that it was you that was lying? But before you could get even more pissed off with that question they both came close to you and before you knew it they had you sitting on a chair in the living room. Dean was pointing a gun at you and Sam was puting hsndcuffs on you as your hands were now behind your back. You left an exclamation of pain as he hurt you by accident. You knew he didn’t mean to but that made your blood boil even more.

“ When you let me go! And you will let me go! You’re so gonna regret this! You’ll be washing the dishes for a month!” You said between your teeth.

“ I don’t think so...” He said with a light chuckle and once he finished his job he got up. “ We should check around...Maybe she planted more stuff...” He said to Dean calmly.

“ Shouldn’t we check if she is a shifter or a demon or... whatever...” Dean said with a wary look at you. You looked back at him confidently. You knew that that would prove your inocence.

“ Right...” Sam said as if he forgot. “ I’ll get you a silver knife...and...and some holy water...” He said and run to the car and then to the kitchen. Dean took advantage of the time Sam was gone and leaned on your chair. His eyes gleaming threateningly. His expression bloodthirsty. It was bringing chills to your spine. You were scared. But you didn’t let it show. You didn’t look away. This was it! If there was even the slightest chance Dean wasn’t Dean you’d find out now!

“ If you’ve hurt (Y/N) or my brother and his kids...If you’ve hurt any of them I’m gonna destroy you...You hear me?” He said to you in a gruff threatening voice. And you didn’t answer because your jaw dropped slightly. That wasn’t what you expected. It wasn’t a show. Sam wasn’t there. You looked straight in his eyes not afraid anymore because you knew for sure it was him. Your look made him flinch. He could see in your eyes that it was you. But he didn’t get to say a thing. Sam walked in again and handed a bottle of holy water to Dean and then headed to the kitchen. Dean splashed your face with holy water splashing himself too by accident but he was much more gentle than he usually was. You looked at him angrily.

“ No demon...” He announced Sam when he walked in the living room again.

“ Good...”Sam said unimpressed and handed Dean one of your silver knives wrapped in a paper towel. “ I’ll go search her things...” Sam announced and left the room. Dean unwrapped the knife and held it hesitating for a moment. Then he made a small cut in your palm. He was already convinced you were not a monster but he needed to be sure. But since it wasn’t Dean and it wasn’t you.

“ Sam have you found anything?” Dean yelled looking warily at you.

“ No...not yet...” He said. “ Just some photos in the nightstand drawer...” He continued and you felt all the blood disappear inside you. No! It couldn’t be! But...

“ Dean...Who put your clothes in the laundry basket...?” You asked and your voice was slightly trembling.

“ If you’re asking about the jacket I did... Sam forgot it when he gathered my clothes...” He said without paying much attention to you. But the his mind started working like yours.

“ When?”You asked again in a hurry.

“ Yesterday... Just before you came back from work...” He answered confused.

“ Before or after Sam left for the grocery store....?” You asked trying to keep your voice down.

“ After....the Grocery store...” Dean said and his muscles tense as suspicion was growing inside him. If he left for the grocery store Charlie must have been calm enough for him to leave her with Dean. But he said she was crying all day...

“When did Charlie started crying...?” You asked as if you needed any more proof.

“ In the morning...Then she slept and then she never stopped after he came back from the grocery store...”Dean said and he pronounced the last words slowly as he started realising where you were going with this. Charlie wasn’t crying because she was in pain. She was crying because she was scared. She knew that wasn’t her Dad! And she only calmed down when you came home and she felt safe because she didn’t know Dean that well. So Sam went for a trip to the grocery store...But it wasn’t him that came back. That explained what happened the previous night. Why he didn’t remember what he said about you healing first. What felt different between you. You felt disgusted visiting that moment in your mind but you didn’t have time for this now. That explained why he was so eager to believe Dean that it was you who planted the hex bag. Why he agreed with you so fast when you said it was Dean. He was covering his tracks. Why he wanted to keep the hex bag. He must have planted it. Why he brought the silver knife to Dean wrapped in a paper towel. His comment about the photos made it all clear. Sam knew very well that those photos were really important to you. And they were important to him too. He would never EVER call them just _some_ photos.

“ Dean listen to me!” You said trying to keep your voice down as you started panicking. You were tied up, Charlie was sleeping and you were stuck with Dean who may or may not believe you.And who knows where Sam was or if he was ok! And right now you didn’t give a damn about yourself! You needed to protect Charlie! “It’s not me or you! It’s Sam!..” You said to Dean in a hurry as you were hearing your heartbeat in your ears. “You have to take Charlie! Don’t let him...”

“ Nothing upstairs...” Sam or rather shifter-Sam announced as he was coming down the stairs.

“ Yeah...” Dean said without looking at you. He hesitated for a second looking at the knife in his hand and then he spoke to Sam again. “ You can take it back to the kitchen...” He said offering it to him. Shifter- Sam hesitated.

“ It has blood on it...But I don’t have a cloth or something...” He said pretending to look around. Dean smiled slightly but his eyes were cold and angry on him. He wiped the knife on his shirt.

“ There you go...” He said and offered the knife to Sam again. He chuckled hesitating. “ Take it...” Dean said calmly but it was obvious he was nothing but calm. Shifter- Sam smiled a little and reached for the knife but he didn’t touch it. “ Touch it!” Dean yelled and Charlie started crying.

“ No!” You wispered in panic! But before you or Dean could make another move shifter-Sam had drawn a gun. Sam’s gun. He pointed it at Dean.

“ Drop your gun...Now...” He said. You saw Dean freeze as you were desperately looking at the man that looked like Sam but definetely wasn’t and your baby’s crying was echoing in your ears...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on December 23 or 24...:-)


	57. Chapter 57

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened to Sam?

**Sam’s point of view**

I woke up and the first thing I realised was how much my head ached. I made an incoherent sound and I tried to touch the back of my head where I located the source of the pain. But when I moved my hands I heard some short of rattling and something stopping me from moving my hands that were behind my back. I raised my head in panic and opened my eyes. I could understand I was sitting in a chair and that I was tied up with some short of shackles. When I opened my eyes everything was dark and blurry. In the few moments it took my eyes to get clear and after franticly blinking to get used to the darkness I tried to look around. Everything was dark and cold. I could hear shoft squeaking noises from a door in the distance. I could barely make out the shape of a door about five feet from me. My head was still aching like hell and my panic wasn’t helping. I tried to break the shackles in vain while my mind was working on my last memories. (Y/N)...I remembered that (Y/N) called. Then I told Dean I’d go to the grocery store. I asked him to keep an eye on Charlie as she was getting sleepy...No she was already sleeping... Ok...What then...I remembered walking out. I remember walking and then...Then I saw (Y/N) coming my way. She didn’t say she’d come home so early so I thought something was up. She was upset as I run to her and then...I struggled a little and I felt the pain in my head making it harder for me to remember and at the same time reminding me of what happened...I felt a sharp pain on the back of my head. Right where it was now and then everything went black...Somebody hit me! And apparently kidnapped me! (Y/N)! Was she here too?! Have they hit her too?!

“ (Y/N)!” I said urgently in the darkness around me. My voice sounded weak and it wasn’t because I was keeping it down. I got no answer. I tried again. This time struggling to focus with the pain on my head. I could hear my pulse in my ears and I was trying to block it to pick up the sound of (Y/N) answering me...or her breathing...something... But soon I started realising that if they had her she wasn’t with me. And by they I meant Sia...The most likely candidate for doing this... I called for (Y/N) once more but again nothing came back to me. Just the distant sound of a door. Part of me felt desperate. I tried to get out of the shackles again. I had to find her! Nothing happened. I moved uncomfortably in the chair to get to my back pocket to find something to pick the lock. While my mind was still working on what happened. We were close to the house when whoever it was attacked. Maybe they went inside and got Dean too. Or maybe Dean fought them off...But if he didn’t!...The kids! What happened to the kids! I moved my fingers frantically in my pocket refusing to believe that my lock picking tools weren’t there. But as I was struggling I heard footsteps somewhere close. I immediately stopped moving and tried to listen holding my breath. The footsteps where coming towards me probably from somewhere outside. They came close enough and then stopped. I heard something rattling. The lock of the door in front of me. At first I thought it was a key and I prepared myself to take some punches. But then I realised that someone was picking the lock. Trying to be as silent as possible. I could hear quiet and soft breaths. And in a few seconds the door unlocked and someone pushed carefully trying to minimise the inevitable squeaking. The light that came in from outside was really dim. Barely enough to take a blurry look around me. But still when the door opened my used in the darkness eyes couldn’t handle it and I barely kept them open as I saw a female figure coming my way. A female figure I knew too damn well. She moved close to me fast and silent and run her hands through my hair.

“ Sam!” (Y/N) wispered with a voice that trembled but her hands where surspisingly steady on my cheeks now.

“ (Y/N)!...Are you alright?” I asked as I still couldn’t see her face clearly as she was too busy brushing my hair and breathing upset on my neck. She was wasting time! She should untie me! I knew she was upset but she needed to let me out of here so we could both go back to our kids and Dean!

“ I’m fine... What have they done to you?” She said with a trembling voice too finally pulling back so that I could see her face. Her dry eyes moving frantically to check all of me. But other that that she was fine.“ Don’t worry!” She said before I could say another word. She got up and moved behind my back to get the shackles off. “ I’ll get you out of here...” She said. Her voice trembled more that usual. Who knows what they have done to her. I couldn’t see anything on her face and that made me even more scared. I moved impatiently as I felt her hands close to mine. And then I felt her playing with my fingers?! She was moving hers against mine playfully as I was moving mine impatiently!?

“ (Y/N),what are you doing?!” I asked in a gruff voice that thrembled a little reflecting the panic I started feeling again! She chuckled in response making me freeze! “What are you doing? Untie me!” I yelled gruffly in even more panic than before. Her chuckle turned into a sinister laugh and I felt everything inside me sink with fear unable to understand what was going on. She moved her lips close to my ear. A move that normally would make me go limp with love and desire but now I wanted to jerk my head the other way and that had nothing to do with her terrifying laugh. Something wasn’t right.

“ No...” She said in my ear with a calm steady maybe even playful voice and she started laughing again. The same sinister cold laugh. I started breathing faster and I swallowed hard as my still aching mind started to connect the pieces. But then another figure appeared at the door. My mind had gotten used to the light by now. He was a middle aged man. Wearing a comfortable sweater. He seemed like an ordinary man but something in his eyes sent chills down my spine signaling me for a threat.

“ Phill...That’s enough...” He said in a calm voice that communicated authority at the same time. (Y/N) stood up behind and made a disappointed sound as she walked past me giving me a superior and threatening look.

“ Whatever you say...” She said to the man still disappointed. By now I had realised that (Y/N) was either a demon or a shifter. Probably a shifter as I didn’t smell sulfur when she came close. But although I had realised that it wasn’t (Y/N) what I was seeing in front of me was still sending chills down my spine. I was just watching them talk trying to hear as many things as I could.

“ You’ll have your time with him when we get the others...” The man said to (Y/N). So Dean and (Y/N) must be safe with the kids. I felt relieved...for now...

“ I’ll have my time with all of them...” She answered looking at me threateningly. And then she turned to the man again. “ Any news from Marcus?” She asked walking out the door.

“ Thank god I taught him how to change diapers...” The man said chuckling while closing the door and locking me in again. I realised I was holding my breath for as long as fake (Y/N) was in the room and finally I released it when they were gone with two big and trembling breaths. And then I started focusing on getting out of those shackles. There was only one way I could do it. I had to try and slide my hand through. I ignored how impossible that sounded and I tried as hard as I good ignoring the pain caused from the iron scratching my hand. I had to get out! Because I knew who the others were! And I had to get to them in time! I couldn’t let anything happen to Dean and (Y/N) and our kids! So I struggled feeling drops of blood sliding down my wrist.

“ It’s no use...” A depressed voice told me. Coming from some opening on the wall that I couldn’t see. But it wasn’t what the voice said that made me freeze.

“ Sia?”

 

**Your point of view**

“Drop your gun...Now...” Shifter- Sam said to Dean and your eyes briefly got a glimpse of the gun in Dean’s pocket before...

“ What the hell is going on here?!” You heard Jody’s panicked and alarmed voice! And then everything happened in a matter of seconds. As you made an attempt to turn your head and look at Jody behind you shifter- Sam surprised turned around too and gave Dean the fraction of a second he needed to throw the silver knife that was in his hand and hit shifter-Sam’s thigh! He immediately screamed in pain in a way you never heard Sam scream as a thin line of steam was emerging from where the knife hit him. Dean didn’t wait any second as shifter-Sam was falling to the ground. Shifter- Sam tried to point the gun to Dean but he was faster and kicked it out of his hand with a hard blow on his wrist and the gun flew across the room and you gasped as you got scared the gun would detonate but it didn’t. Dean grapped Sam’s hands and pulled them behind his back in a painful twist that you could see in his brutal expression that he didn’t regret the least bit. And neither did you. Being rational at least. Because that asshole was still wearing Sam’s face. In the matter of seconds it took Dean to do that Jody run from the door close to you. She couldn’t understand exactly what was going on but shifter-Sam’s steamy wound made her understand that that wasn’t really Sam. Dean put his hand in the shifter’s pocket while still holding him down with one hand and his body weight. The shifter was moving frantically to get away and Dean was sweaty from trying too hard to stop him. Jody was about to help just as Dean got the handcuff keys out of shifter Sam’s pocket.

“ (Y/N)!” Dean told Jody breathlessly and handed her the keys with a small and sudden move. She took them and run to you just as Dean drew his gun and aimed it to shifter-Sam’s head and he finally stopped struggling. Jody tried to unlock the handcuffs but you objected loudly breathing heavily.

“ No!...Charlie!” You said. You didn’t have to say another word. Jody handed you the keys and she run upstairs were Charlie was now crying frantically! You tried to unlock the handcuffs but your hands were trembling as you were in a hurry to get to your baby.

“ Dammit!” You yelled between your teeth when your first attempt failed. But the second time you finally made it! And once your hands were free you got up knocking the chair down and run letting the handcuffs fall on the floor. But as you were heading towards the stairs you saw Jody coming back down with Charlie in her arms. She handed her to you when she met you and you burried her in your arms for the first time taking deep breaths and feeling your heartbeat slowly returning to normal. Dean got up and grabbed the shifter’s arm to get him up too and with Jody’s help they carried him to the kitchen and tied him up on chair as you were trying to calm down Charlie. Drops of blood were scattered all over from the living room to the kitchen but it wasn’t too much blood. A few minutes later Dean came out of the kitchen with a bottle of milk.

“ Don’t worry...Jody made it...” He told you with a reassuring chuckle that still couldn’t hide how upset and worried he was too. You gave Charlie her bottle and Dean stayed with you for a couple of minutes to make sure that both you and Charlie were ok. Then he was about to head back to the kitchen when he saw Jody heading out confused as hell. Dean tried to look behind her through the open kitchen door to make sure he could still see the shifter tied up on the chair from here.

“ What the hell happened?” She asked looking at you rocking Charlie in your arms as her wide eyes were locked on yours while drinking her milk. Their colour was a little brighter than usual as her eyes were still wet but she wasn’t crying anymore. “ I found the door open and when I walked in I found you...like this...” She said gesturing at the living room in lack of words for what she couldn’t explain.

“ Sam’s not Sam!” Dean said in a gruff voice briefly checking on Charlie.

“ Yeah! I sort of got that!...Where is Sam?” Jody asked as worried as you were.

“ No idea...” You said and your voice sounded calm but you could feel the painful beats your heart was leaving. You had just begun to realise what just happened. That wasn’t Sam! Where the hell was Sam? In danger! And that was the best case scenario! You felt your throat closing and your eyes burning with tears that you controled for Charlie’s shake. She was already distressed enough and seeing Mom cry would make things worse.

“ We’re about to find out!” Dean said gruffly looking at the silver knife he twirled in his hands and he turned around to head to the kitchen.

“ No...” You said in a calm voice and stopped him. He turned around to look at you as if he didn’t hear you well. But you continued to explain. “ Dean will be back in a couple of hours...Let’s not add more blood to the floors...I’ll call the sheriff. I think he has a soundproof basement...” You explain.

“ So we wait...?” Dean asked frustrated but clearly understanding the necessity of not disturbing Dean.

“ I didn’t say we wait...I said we don’t make a mess...” You clarified looking at the shifter with a bloodthirsty look on your face. You turned to Charlie again with a smile and kissed her head lovingly.

“ Jody can you...” You started asking when you pulled back.

“ Yeah...” Jody answered before you could finish and she reached to take Charlie from you. But you hesitated tightening your grip around your baby. What if she was a shifter too.

 

“ What are you doing here in the first place?” You asked.

“ I told you I’d come help during the weekend...Remember?... I took this Friday off... ” She explained. Yes. Now you did remember. But you were still looking at her suspicious.

“ Don’t worry...I checked her...” Dean reassured you detecting the suspicion in your eyes and for the first time you noticed a small cut on Jody’s palm. You opened your mouth to apologise but Jody reassured you with a smile that no apology was necessary. You handed her Charlie and took some time to fix your clothes. You picked up your phone and called the sheriff and told him what happened with no details. He told you that his wife was going on a trip for a week and that she was leaving in a an hour and then you could bring him to the basement. You hung up thinking how lucky you were. Or else you’d have to take him to the bunker and you didn’t want to seperate from your kids. Especially now. You made another brief call to Mrs Feegs and apologised for not going to work saying that Charlie wasn’t feeling very well. After you hung up you walked in the kitchen with Dean again and closed the door behind.

“ Alright...” You said in a hurry. The determined tone in your voice made the shifter smile and Dean gave you a side look to make sure you didn’t flinch as he was clenching his fist. You didn’t smile and went straight to the point.

“ Where is Sam?” You said with a voice that sounded calm but inside you were boiling. And it wasn’t anger. You were feeling bloodthirsty. You clenched your fist and waited. Before knowing anything else you wanted to know if Sam was alright. The shifter smiled and for a moment you felt you wanted to let your hand relax. Because in front of your eyes it was still Sam. But knowing that that wasn’t really the case made your blood boil even more. You hated to look at his face knowing that it wasn’t really Sam. He chuckled.

“ I don’t know...” He said with a fake expression of concern. He barely got to finish his sentence and you hit his crotch with your fist using all the strength you had. He screamed loudly and his face started turning red and his eyes full of tears. You didn’t even flinch. You felt something inside hurt but you didn’t let it show! This wasn’t Sam! Dean was startled by your brutality. It wasn’t that he hadn’t seen it before. He had. But it’s been eight years since then. But he knew how brutal you could get when somebody hurt the people you loved and he wasn’t otherwise surprised. After all this shifter had messed with you, with him ,with Sam and with your children! He dragged a chair out and sat on it backwards resting his arms on the back of the chair. His eyes were locked on shifter-Sam. He was just watching him deal with the pain. His face had turned from red to purprle now but soon it started returning to its normal colour. He was still breathing heavily but you went on to ask.

“ Where is Sam?” You asked in a voice that only sounded calm again.

“ I see...” He said between deep breaths. His face still red. “ She is the bad cop...” He chuckled to Dean.

“ Oh,no...” Dean smiled sadistically. “ She is the good cop...” He replied calmly too. You both saw with satisfaction a crack on the shifter’s smile and you felt a smile forming on your lips again.

“ Where..is...Sam...?” You asked pronouncing every word slowly and clearly.

“ I’m not...going...to tell you...” He answered mockingly.

“ Oh, you will tell us...” Dean said smiling sadistically again as he was getting off the chair playing with the silver knife in his hand. You saw the shifter looking at it warily. “ The only thing that’s debatable is how long it’s going to take you to spit it out...” He said threateningly.

“ More time than you have...” He said and your eyes locked on him outraged...and scared. You felt something sink inside you when you heard that. Dean felt it too but his face was like a mask. He looked completely emotionless. But your eyes were giving away so slightly how worried you were. The shifter noticed it and chuckled again. But Dean who had also noticed was there to take control.

“ We’ll see about that...” He said and gave a really strong punch to the shifter’s stomach. And this time you flinched when you saw him in pain. This time you were seeing Sam again for a moment. But then you were overcome by the desire to grab the silver knife and make him scream in every way he could until he couldn’t scream anymore. But you felt your clenched fist tremble. Was someone doing the exact same thing to Sam? Dean turned to check on you. You looked back at him with an expression that showed him you were getting impatient and upset and so was he. He checked his watch.

“ We’ll see about that...” He replied to the shifter gruffly and turned to you. “ The hour is almost over...We should get going...” He said and you nodded. He grabbed the shifter and untied him. You were both holding him from each side to make sure he wouldn’t try to escape. Dean made him sit on the back seat and hit him on the head with the back of his gun to knock him down. Once he fell over you went back in. You kissed Charlie and told Jody you’d be back before Dean comes back from school. You didn’t want him to come back and find only Jody there. You also reminded her to check everyone who walks in. She closed the door behind you and went to clean up the blood from the living room and the kitchen. You went in the car too and Dean drove to the sheriff’s while you were giving him directions. He was waiting for you outside and helped you transfer the still unconscious shifter-Sam to the basement. It was a small room with some old stiuff lying around and a chair in the center just under the light. He had clearly used the room for torture before. You and Dean tied the shifter in the chair while the sheriff went to bring a bucket of water to wake him up. He splashed his face and he immediately woke up coughing. Dean looked at you satisfied and you nodded.

“ I’ll be back when I can...” You told Dean.

“ I’ll find out what I can till then...” He said and you walked outside closing the door behind. Having no time to think you rushed to the car and went back home. Jody opened the door and let you in after she checked you with one of the silver knives. Charlie started crying to get your attention when you walked in and you rushed to her to hold her. You needed that comfort too. You checked the time and you realised Dean would be back any minute now. You went to the kitchen and Jody helped you cook something fast. You were done just in time to pick up Dean who walked all excited about his day. He took a few minutes to tell you about it and showing you the drawing he made but then he started looking for Sam.

“ Dad’s not here, baby...” You said and you were surprised that your voice sounded this calm. But then you were so focused not to alarm Dean that you should probably expect that. Dean who was running excited to the kitchen stopped and turned to look at you.

“ Where is he?” He asked disappointed.

“ The sheriff called him...Something came up at work...” You said sounding casual.

“ When will he be back?” Dean asked. And your mind travelled back to this morning where the shifter said goodbye to your baby. You were feeling outraged and disgusted he even was in the same room as your children and you didn’t even notice. It didn’t cross your mind that it wasn’t Sam. You shook your head slightly because you couldn’t let the thoughts consume you just yet.

“ I’m not sure...” You said calmly but you hated you couldn’t tell anything more to Dean

“ And uncle Dean?” He asked looking around still disappointed he didn’t find Sam.

“ He went with Dad...” You said and Dean exhaled deeply.

“ Ok...” He said and went to the kitchen. You followed with Charlie just in time to hear Dean yell Jody’s name in excitement. He told her everything about his day too and you all sat on the table for lunch. Dean was very hungry but you were just staring at your food while making attempts to feed Charlie who was spitting her mushed fruits all over the place. After you were done eating although worried and in a hurry to get back to the sheriff’s to see how things were going you spend the afternoon playing with Dean and Charlie. Jody joined you up until the moment Charlie started crying because she was hungry and Dean was getting sleepy. Knowing that Charlie would get sleepy too after eating you knew this was the best time to leave and come back in time to put Dean and probably Charlie to bed. So you fed Charlie and then handed her to Jody and brushed her head gently before leaning to kiss her. Then you went to Dean who was watching tv on the couch. You gave him a big hug and kissed his head lovingly before leaving. Once you walked out you didn’t give yourself much time to think again. You were so eager to get to the sheriff’s house and you were too focused on that. When you got there you were greeted by the sheriff who escortet you to his house. From the moment you walked in you were hearing some incoherent and supressed sounds that you immediately recognised for the shifter’s screams. You went down to the basement just as Dean was walking out. He was tired and breathing heavily and he had drops of blood all over him but it wasn’t his.

“ Oh! You’re here!...” He said relieved and you looked at him surprised by the tone. “ I was about to call you...” He said gruffly in an urgent tone.

“ What happened? Did he say anything?” You asked feeling your heart beat like a drum.

“ Not about Sam...About Sia...” Dean clarified as his breaths were returning to normal. “ Apparenty she’s behind all this...” He said cleaning his knife on his clothes.

“That bitch!” You chuckled outraged and worried. “ Can’t believe I trusted her...” You said between your teeth. “ That’s why she hasn’t sent any other texts...The trap didn’t work so she went for this...” You said pointing at the door disgusted. Dean moved his head skeptical.

“ The douchebag said it’s all part of a bigger plan...” He explained to you. “ But that’s all I got from him! Nothing about Sam! Or about that plan!” He said frustrated.

“ We should have known it was her!...” You said thinking about it and feeling even more stupid that you trusted him. That you didn’t understand from the first moment that this wasn’t Sam. “ Since when do shifters use hex bags...” You said throwing your hands in the air.

“ Yeah...” Dean agreed lost in his thoughts.

“ What are you thinking...?” You asked noticing the change in his expression.

“ I think he’s stalling...” Dean said gruffly. “ He knows we’ll break him...He said it...But he makes sure to buy some time to Sia...” He started explaining.

“ So she can figure out he’s been compromised...” You finished his sentence. “ So she can cover her tracks before we get to Sam...” You continued.

“ Exactly...” Dean agreed. “ Apparently they were communicating with texts which he deleted from Sam’s phone...obviously...” Dean said. “ But he won’t say when he was supposed to text again...Maybe she already knows something is wrong...” He said frustrated. You swallowed hard and felt your eyes get wet but you blocked the tears. You took a deep breath and walked close to Dean.

“ You need a break...I’ll take it from here...” You said in a gruff threatening voice.

“ No...I...” Dean started to object but you interrupted him.

“ You need a break...”You repeated this time in a more gentle voice. Dean thought about it for a second and reluctantly handed his knife to you. You didn’t wait to see him go or even nod. You grabbed the knife and you walked in the basement. You saw Sam’s figure on the chair. Blood all over his face. His shirt was also teared in some spots and there was blood pretty much everywhere. He smiled tiredly when he saw you.

“ Is _my brother_ getting tired?” He asked mockingly. You felt your muscles tense instantly. Your blood boiling but you maintained a calm expression.

“ Where is Sam...” You asked calmly. Waiting patiently for the answer that would give you the push to rip him apart piece by piece and you ignored the part of you that was seeing Sam. You reminded yourself that someone was doing the same thing to Sam right now! And this was the only way to get to them!

“ You’re not too chatty,are you?” He chuckled. That was it. The moment he finished his sentence you had already crossed the room and grabbed his face with your hand right under his chin. Your nails digging in the fless of his cheeks and your knife right to his throat.

“ Listen to me, you disgusting piece of shit!” You spat the words in a trembling with anger voice. But still low and threatening. Between your teeth. “ You’re gonna tell me were Sam is or I’m gonna make you beg for us to kill you and we’ll keep going...” You hissed close to his face and you pushed your nails deeper in his flesh.

“Remember the last time we were so close?” He asked seductively. And you felt disgusted with him and with yourself. Cause you remembered how he was about to trick you that he was Sam. How he touched you. How he put his tongue in your mouth making you think he was the man you loved! And you were angry! Angry with yourself that although you knew something wasn’t right it took you so long to figure out he wasn’t Sam. You pulled back and in a second you punched his face and you heard the characteristic sound of a nose cracking. He screamed again and this time his nose was red and bleeding (more than before) and it had already started to swell.

“ You bitch!” He wispered between his teeth.

“ Where is Sam...?” You repeated. When he ignored you you kicked his stomach with your knee making him cough blood. And that’s how the next couple of hours went by. You hit him in every possible non fatal way and he still wouldn’t tell you. You walked out bloody and tired and rested your back on the door feeling that you’d burst into tears any minute now. You were feeling desperate. But soon that feeling was replaced by determination and anger. You’d find Sam no matter what! You went back into the house to find Dean drinking a bear while brushing his eyes. He got up when he saw you and rushed close to you.

“ Anything?” He asked impatient and worried.

“ No...” You answered disapponted. Dean nodded and let his head drop locking his eyes on the beer in his hands. He was worrried and scared. His brother was gone and he was getting desperate. There was a brief moment of silence and then you reached for his arm and brushed it gently.

“ We’ll find him...” You said in a determined tone. He exhaled deeply and finally turned to look at you.

“ Yeah...” He said detrmined but worried. “ I’ll call you if I find something out...” He added reassuringly. You nodded and handed the knife to him before heading to the car to get some clean clothes. After you changed you said goodbye to Dean who was already heading back to the basement. Said goodbye to the sheriff too and headed back home. When you walked in you found Dean and Jody having dinner while Charlie was playing with her toys in her rocking chair. You joined them and once again you didn’t eat much. After you were done you allowed Dean to watch tv a little more while you were rocking Charlie in your arms walking from room to room so she would fall asleep. Jody went to the sheriff’s to check on Dean and promised to be back soon. Once Charlie fell asleep you took her to her crib and after kissing her goodnight you left closing the door as silently as possible. After calling Dean upstairs you went to his room and waited for him. Once he was there he chose the book he wanted you to read and he crawled under the covers. He fell asleep fast being tired from school and you got up and walked out to let him sleep. But once you closed the door behind you you didn’t know what to do. You couldn’t sleep. You wouldn’t...You tried heading to your room thinking of trying to sleep from Sam’s side for comfort. But once you walked in all thoughts of sleep left you again. The place was a mess. Shifter-Sam had opened all the drawers searching for a gun and had thrown the contents all over. You started picking up books, clothes, John’s journal, pens...But what made you stop was the little box with the silver bracelet next to it on the floor. You picked it up. You felt your heart tighten in your chest. The bracelet that Sam gave you when Dean was born. You picked it up and checked to see if everything else was in place. After you made sure everything was fine you closed the drawers and you were ready to put the bracelet in there too. But you couldn’t. The necklass he gave you when Charlie was born was still in your drawer too. You picked it up. You put the small box inside and took the bracelet and the necklass with you heading downstairs. You didn’t want to sleep in your room ( if at all). You were feeling this constant pain filling your chest. You were scared and worried. You sat on the couch playing with the bracelet and the necklass in your hands. Your mind travelled back to those nights. How happy you both wear. How bright Sam’s eyes were. How happy you were feeling when he was holding you. Your eyes started to ache. You used to wear both the bracelet and the necklass on special occasions. But you always kept them in your drawer. Next to you. Cause they were important to you. They reminded you of both Sam and your children. You probaly found the bracelet on the floor because it was silver. The shifter must have touched it by mistake and it burned his hand so he threw it away. You rolled them both in your hands. Somehow they made you feel like Sam was close. Like you could tell him that you loved him. That you could tell him to hold on. Because you’d find him! You felt your heart beating painfully and slowly. Every beat filling your chest with the same intense pain. You eyes got blurry. You closed them. You also closed the bracelet and the necklass in your fists and let the tears leave your eyes. What was Sam going through now? Was he holding on? Was he in pain? Did he know you were looking for him? The answer to all those questions was yes. And more tears fell on your fists. You opened them with trembling hands and brought them to your lips. You kissed the necklass and then the bracelet. _I love you,Sam_ you thought... Hoping that he was holding on...

**Sam’s point of view**

“ I should have known!” I said gruffly feeling stupid I didn’t see that coming earlier. “ You’re behind all this...! Assuming it really is you...” I said in a low voice but Sia heard me.

“ It’s me alright...” She chuckled as if she was exhausted and struggling too. “ I told you about your brother dying when you had me trapped in that abandoned house...” She said trying to convince me it was her. And it probably was cause there was no one else in there with us besides us, Dean, (Y/N) and Cas.And non of us was a shifter.

“What the hell are you doing here?...”I asked still trying to get my hands out of the shackles which still seemed impossible.

“ Same as you...Shifters are holding me prisoner...” She said and I chuckled sarcastically.

“ Yeah...right...” I said. “ You lied to us before about the deal, you sent (Y/N) those texts and set a trap for all of us and you expect me to believe the shifters got you?” I said feeling outraged I couldn’t get out of the shackles. “ Why should I believe you’re not with them...” I said growling as the shackles were grazing my skin.

“ I’ve sent no texts to (Y/N)...” She said and I could understand from her tone that she knew about the texts. “ The shifters did...” She answered and I wondered how much more I could listen to her crap. I thought she was lying.

“ Let me guess...They’re using you...” I said mockingly looking around for anything that could help me get out of those shackles.

“ I don’t know what they’re doing...But if **you** want to get out of here you have to do what I tell you...” She said and this couldn’t sound more like a trap to me. Probably not a trap for me. But for Dean and (Y/N)...maybe even our kids.

“ I’m not buying it...” I said having no intention to listen to anything else she had to say but...

“ I don’t care...” She said and there was some sort of vanity in her voice. “ I’m your only way out...” She said as another attemt to get out of the shackles turned out futile and I started thinking that maybe she was right. Maybe she was even telling the truth. And I started wondering how much I would regret trusting her...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on January 7 or 8... :-)


	58. Chapter 58

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saving Sam...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! :-)

**Your point of view**

You were still playing with the bracelet. You were thinking that maybe you should put both the bracelet and the necklass ( that was now on your lap) back in their boxes. But you didn’t really want to. You kept them close as you were sitting on the couch. Somehow they made you relax. Because your fingers were moving taking away the tension but it also had to do with the objects themselves. You were feeling closer to Sam... Everything was silent. You could hear the faint ticking of the clock from the kitchen and you were alert to hear anything from upstairs. Dean or Charlie waking up. But the silence was also helping you think. You were trying to wrap your mind around what happened the last few hours...the last day... You were feeling the pain of missing Sam and the disgust the shifter made you feel but now you were thinking more clearly. Your mind could work on how to find Sam. How to make the shifter talk. But not in the panicked way it did a few hours ago. In a calm determined way. But you didn’t get to think about it long. You heard crackling from the door. Keys. Jody most likely. You grabbed the knife from the table in front of you and walked towards the door as it opened and Dean walked in.

“ Hey...” He greeted you gruffly. His eyes red and tired. He walked close to you and presented his palm to you. You gave him the knife and since it didn’t burn you walked back to the couch collecting the bracelet and the necklass on your lap again.

“ Anything new?” You asked wispering. But in the dead of night your wisper sounded loud enough.

“No...He won’t talk...” Dean answered joining you on the couch. His voice was low but gruff as it was sounded way louder than your wisper. You brought your finger to your lips and glanced up signaling him that the kids were sleeping upstairs.

“ Right...” He wispered in response with a faint smile. After a small pause he turned to you again. “ What did you tell,Dean?” He asked concerned.

“ Work...” You said looking at him briefly and then fixing your eyes on your lap as you felt a piercing pain spreading through your chest. Dean nodded and then looked at you again. He knew where your pain was coming from. He was feeling it too.

“ We’ll find him...” He said gruffly trying to make you feel better but at the same time trying to convince himself.

“ Yes,we will...” You answered gruffly and turned to look at Dean. But he was looking down now.

“ Listen...I’m sorry I didn’t figure out it wasn’t Sam...” You looked at him startled for a moment but not because of what he was saying. You were startled because you didn’t think he’d go there now but otherwise you knew he would at some point. “ I should have known the moment he came back...” He said. “ But I...” He shook his head unable to find a good excuse for himself. “ Now I put you and the kids in danger...” He said exhaling deeply without looking at you. “ And Sam...” He said unable to continue.

“ No, Dean...” You said in a calm voice. “ You were taking care of Dean...You were tired... and the shifter was pretty convincing as Sam...He was speaking exactly like Sam does... You couldn’t have figured it out...I didn’t figure it out...Not until it was too late...” You made a small pause and continued. “ I knew something was different...” You said trying to figure out the words. “ I just never thought it could be him...” You concluded exhaling deeply too. “ I’m sorry I thought it was you...” You apologised looking at Dean. He turned and smiled to you.

“ You found a hex bag in my pocket...You’d be a fool if you didn’t at least consider me...” He said in a calm voice.

“ Right...” You replied. “ You suspected me too when the hex bag fell from my pocket...”

“ No...” Dean said before you could finish your sentence and turned to look at you. “ I suspected you before that...” He said apologetically. “ When you wanted to go out...” He started explaining turning his head away from you. “ A panic attack didn’t even cross my mind...” He said and made a small pause without looking at you. “ I thought that you’d tell me if something was wrong...” He said with an attempt to chuckle. He wasn’t accusing you he was just critisizing the fact that he assumed you’d tell him. That you’d trust him. But you recognised he was hurt just like he was that night when you didn’t answer when he asked you if you were alright. And that was Dean’s way of communicating to you what bothered him.

“ You’re right...” You said turning your head away from him. “ I **would** tell you if something was wrong...” You said in a calm voice. “ But this time I didn’t want anyone to know....Not you...not Sam..anyone...I felt weak...” You said confiding in him. “ And scared...” There was a moment of silense and you went on. “I felt I was losing control...And you know how terrifying it is to feel you’re losing control...” You said exhaling deeply.

“ Yeah...” Dean chuckled melancholically. You smiled to him. He smiled back to you and you continued. Your voice calm and warm.

“ I know I can always talk to you when I need to...” You said still smiling. “And you know you can always talk to me...” You continued referring to the trust he showed you when you were inside your head. He smiled to you in acknoledgement. “ I know we are not together anymore,Dean...but the connection we had is still there...The way we communicate that connection has changed...But it isn’t lost...” You said looking straight into his eyes. Hoping he could see that.

“ No...” He agreed with a small smile towards you. A warm smile.You smiled back and you both reached for each other and hugged. A hug full of emotion but without physical attraction. A hug of mutual love, trust and appreciation but so different than what it used to be. But not less important or emotional. You pulled back smiling gently and you saw Dean smiling back at you... Dean broke the silence.“ I should head back...” He said checking his watch.

“ You need to get some rest...” You objected.

“ Sam might not have that much time...” He argued and you could hear the pain in his voice. You felt his words punching through your heart. You swallowed hard and Dean noticed it. He was trying to think of something to say to comfort you and himself but he couldn’t. And neither could you. You looked at him worried and he looked back at you. His eyes reflecting the same feeling. Eventually you nodded.

“ I’ll join you when Jody comes back...” You said gruffly. Dean nodded and got up to leave. When he closed the door behind him you returned to your thoughts and Sam’s gifts on your lap. This time you felt a raging fire burn inside you. And that fire could never subside until you found Sam. You got up and headed to your room. You put the necklass and the bracelet back in your drawer and started getting dressed. Already thinking of new ways to make the shifter talk...You would find Sam!

 

**Sam’s point of view**

“ Alright...” I said still arguing with myself whether I should trust her on not. But the more I was thinking the more I started to consider that she was right. That I didn’t have a choise. “ Assuming you really want to help me...” I continued in a sarcastic tone. “ What’s in it for you?” I asked thinking that maybe I should go along with whatever she said till I get an opportunity to escape.

“ I help **you**...you help **me**...” She answered in a determined tone.

“ What do you mean?” I asked gruffly.

“ I want to take those assholes down as much as you do...” She explained. Because they captured her I thought. But why did they capture her in the first place? What did they want from her?

“ Why are you here anyway?” I asked trying to put things together.

“ They need my help...” She answered.

“ For what?” I asked impatiently barely letting her finish her sentence. She hesitated. I was waiting silently to hear her answer.

“ It doesn’t matter...” She said finally. And I reaised my voice in anger.

“ What do you mean it doesn’t matter! You expect me to trust you...”

“ Point is...” She said raising her voice to be heard over mine and I stopped to listen. “ If I don’t help them they’ll kill my daughter...” She said and something in her voice made me believe her. Or maybe it was the punching feeling I felt in my stomach. Knowing all the things I’d do to keep **my** daughter safe...to keep both my children safe.

“ They have your daughter?” I asked. My voice was signifficantly calmer but my tone was somewhat aggressive still.

“ No...She’s with her father...” She said and I could hear the sadness in her voice. “ But it’s only a matter of time till they find them both...” She explained. “ And I need your help to take them down for her shake just like you needed my help to take my mother down for your children’s shake...” She said and her voice cracked a little. I wasn’t so sure all this was an act but I still didn’t think it was wise to trust her. Completely at least.

“ Is she safe with her father?”I asked. “ At least for now?” Not that I doubted her motives even if her daughter was safe right now. She chuckled.

“ He only knows about witches and that because I told him...And after that talk...well...” She said exhaling deeply. I exhaled deeply too. I couldn’t decide whether I believed this tory or not but I knew I had to trust her to get out of here. I couldn’t see any other way out.

“ So what’s the plan?” I asked wondering if I’d regret this. But just as I made the question we both heard the distant sound of the same door. Fast heavy footsteps on what I assumed was a corridor outside.

“ I’ll explain later...” She said lowering her voice significantly. So much I could barely hear her. And moments later the door of wherever she was opened. I heard people talk although I couldn’t make out what they were saying ( they were intetionally keeping their voices down...) I recognised one of the two voices. It was the guy that was with the shifter impersonating (Y/N). The other one I didn’t know. Maybe he was the other shifter or maybe someone I didn’t know. I heard laughter that made me move uncomfortably and then Sia’s door opened again. It closed fast and the laughter stopped. I heard footsteps fast and heavy on the hypothetical corridor and then the distant door opening and closing once more hiding the footsteps.

“ Sia?” I asked when I heard the door closing. “ Sia ?” I asked a little louder. I got no answer. I could hear no movement from anywhere. I felt chills down my spine and I wondered if I had lost what seemed my only way out...

 

**Your point of view**

You knocked on the door and the sheriff opened it. He was looking tired too. When non of you was there he was keeping an eye on the shifter. You greeted him and you headed to the basement. You could hear the screams and Dean’s gruff and enraged voice that hid something desperate. You got yourself mentally ready to go in reminding yourself to keep track of time so you’d be back before Dean or Charlie wake up. But you were feeling calm knowing that Jody would call you if anything was up. You opened the door and walked in.

“ Oh...The bitch...” The shifter said breathing heavily. He tried to sound indifferent maybe even sarcastic but you could understand he was exhausted. His eyes were red. At least one eye was red because of tireness. The other was black and barely open. His nose was swollen and bleeding. A thin stream was leaving from the edge of his mouth too. His shirt was covered in blood and torn in many places. When you looked at him you felt your whole body and mind freeze. He was still Sam. And it took you a few moments to come back from that and get outraged again by the fact that he looked like Sam. Dean turned to look at you. He was exhausted too. And now that the shifter couldn’t look at his face he let you see some of the desperation he was feeling. And you felt like everything inside you shrunk but you didn’t let it show. Then for a moment you saw Dean with his back turned to the shifter pause. He wasn’t looking at you. He was looking down. His expression one of deep concentration. Then he raised his eyes cautiously and looked at you. At first he was still contemplating something but once he made a decision his eyes locked on yours warning you not to inetrvene. You were looking puzzled but he spoke before you could figure out what he had in mind.

“ So...” He said gruffly turning slowly around to face the shifter. “We’ve been doing this for what a whole day now?...” He said approaching the shifter. His voice had a fake tone of surrender but his moves radiated something threatening. You weren’t sure what he had in mind but he certainly wasn’t giving up. “ Apparently you’re not going to break...” He continued.

“ Well...” The shifter said trying to smile with pride but he was too exhausted. He was trying to get his strength back before the beating starts again. Dean smiled in agreement and fake defeat.

“ Then I guess you’re of no use to us!” He said in an unusually gruff voice while drawing his gun with a fast move and aiming it to the shifter’s head. He jerked taken by surprised and looked at Dean scared for the first time. You were looking shocked at the scene in front of you. You weren’t expecting this.

“ You’re not gonna do it...” The shifter said with attitude. Trying to pretend he wasn’t scared.

“ Try me...” Dean said with a gruff voice. His face serious and threatening. And you thought to yourself he’d really do it. And you weren’t sure whether you should stop him or not. On one hand this was a really stupid idea! He was your only lead and if he killed him you’d have no idea where to look for Sam! But on the other hand this was the first time you actually saw the shifter scared. Maybe the key wasn’t pain but fear. Fear of Death. All this time he thought you’d keep him alive but now he wasn’t so sure. You were feeling your heart beating like a drum hoping that Dean was right about this. The shifter looked at you like he was expecting help but you looked back at him coldly and he returned to Dean.

“ For the last time...” Dean started again gruffly. “ Will you tell me where is Sam?” He asked in a calm but threatening and determined tone.

“ No!” He said in a louder voice trying to sound determined. But you noticed he was slightly trembling. Dean took his time and with a slow nod of acknowledgement he touched the shifter’s forehead with the gun and his finger circled the trigger slowly pushing it. Dean was trying to buy time but he only had a few moments to decide whether he’d actually do it or not. The shifter had now closed his eyes and was breathing really fast. And in the last moment Dean was making his decision... “ Alright, I’ll tell you...” He said defeated and still trembling. “ I don’t wanna die...I’ll tell you...” He said in what seemed like a scared monologue. Dean withdraw his gun and looked back at you relieved. You exhaled deeply and waited for the shifter to finally talk. He raised his head and finally looked at you and Dean. His tremble started to reduce. Dean looked at him more intently to make him understand that he didn’t have time.

“ He’s in an abandoned block of flats to the north...Just before leaving town...” He said reluctantly. It was obvious that he was still trying to hide as much as possible.

“ Who’s holding him...?” Dean asked gruffly before jumping into new details.

“ Shifters...” He replied bluntly and both you and Dean felt relieved and ready to bring Sam back.

“ How many?” You asked in a cold voice.

“ Two...” He answered you keeping his eyes on Dean. “ But you have to hurry...” He said and You felt all your muscles in your body tense. “ They were expecting news from me last night...They will transfer him somewhere else soon if they haven’t already...”

“ Where?” Dean yelled gruffly.

“ I have no idea...” He answered. “ They figured if it came to this...” He said glancing around him. “ It was best if I didn’t know...” He explained calmly enough not to provoke Dean but he was satisfied you couldn’t get what you wanted. You signaled Dean with your head to follow you out. Once he did closing the door behind you turned to him impatiently.

“ We have to hurry...” You said already running up the stairs.

“ Yeah...” Dean agreed following you. “ Assuming he’s not buying time...” He said worried.

“ For his shake...I hope not...” You said threateningly as you were walking in the living room.

“ Did he talk?” The sheriff asked getting off the couch when you walked in.

“ Yeah...” Dean asnwered. “ But we don’t have much time...” He said searching for something to write down the address the shifter would give him.

“ What’s the plan?” The sheriff asked you. Both you and Dean stopped whatever you were doing for a second and looked at each other. There really wasn’t a plan.

“ We get there and we get Sam...” Dean replied without giving it much thought.

“ You need a better plan...” The sheriff said but your mind was already working on the details. If the shifters took your form you needed to be able to know who’s who.

“ We need something to recognise each other...” You said turning to Dean. Dean stopped for a moment as he was searching in his bag for more silver bullets and looked at you. “ Something silver for extra protection...” You said thinking that the shifters wouldn’t be able to take it and wear it if something were to go wrong. “ I’ll go for a bracelet...” You said deciding that the bracelet Sam gave you when Dean was born was the best choice. Better than the necklass because if even by chance someone pulled on the necklass you could choke. And that could be enough to give the shifters an advantage. Dean started thinking of what he could wear when the sheriff left the room and came bag with a bracelet that had metal beads.

“ It’s my son’s...” He said handing it to Dean. “ I’m not sure if the metal is silver but we can check it out...” He said glancing towards the basement. Dean nodded and so did you.

“ I need to go home...” You said. “ I need to get the bracelet...guns and knives...” You said making the list in your head. And also say goodbye to your kids.

“I’ll come to pick you up...” Dean said reassuringly and after nodding you bursted out of the house as fast as you could...

 

**Sam’s point of view**

I don’t know how long I’ve been waiting in the darkness. With no windows and only a faint light coming from the door that had nothing to do with the sun I lost track of time really quickly. Since Sia was gone it could have been an hour or maybe three hours or even more. I wasn’t relying on her though for anything. I was doing my best to break free. I tried to move the chair around to see if there was anything in this room that appeared (and felt) empty. I managed to move around to the whole room. It was small really but still big enough to be cold. It didn’t really matter. There was nothing there to help me out. Not even close to the door. A metalic and rusty door that apparently was added later to the room. It didn’t fit well in the opening and the quality ( as much as I could understand with touch ) was way lower than that of the walls. I was thinking of every detail hoping that at least something would lead me out of there. And back to (Y/N) and our kids and Dean. Assuming that they weren’t somewhere there with me i thought and chills went down my spine and I felt everything inside me sink. I heard the same distant door open again and I rushed to the center of the room which I determined from the distance from the faint light of the door. That made me want to pant but I could hear the footsteps coming closer and closer. I was doing my best to regulate my breaths just as the door opened again. I closed my eyes blinded from the slightly brighter light but in a few moments as I could hear the footsteps coming close to me my vision cleared. I saw the same man I saw before standing in front of me. A few inches behind on his right side was another man that I hadn’t seen before but I thought I recognised him as the one impersonating (Y/N) from the crazy smile on his face. And Sia was moving closer to me . Her expression dead serious. I looked at her furious. I knew it! I knew she was a scam! But what was the whole purpose of trying to trick me? I started thinking outraged. She moved close to me and then behind me she set my hands free. I thought I only had a moment to punch my way out but before she unlocked the shackles she handcuffed me. That made me boil with anger and desperation. Until I felt her putting something in my palm as discreetly as she possibly could. The key! I tried not to show how shocked I was when she got up and pretended to put the key in her pocket.

“ All set...” She said in a cold voice without looking at me.

“ Good...” The man with the crazy smile said sardonically.

“ Time to go...” The other one said setting me on my feet with force and I closed my fists tight to hide the key. They let me out of the door. I was right after all. That was a corridor. The place looked like a block of flats with extra doors added to it. Metal rusty doors. They led me down the corridor and then down some stairs. And then the light shined bright. Almost blinding after being in total darkness. Now we were on a corridor that both ends seemed to lead nowhere. They opened another door and shoved me in. And after me they shoved Sia.

“ Just in case...” The man with the crazy smile said and closed the door locking us both in a dark room again. But the light from the corridor was bright enough so I could see. Once the man closed the door he stood guard outside.

“ Dammit...” Sia wispered and sat down burrying her face in her palms disappointed.

“ What’s going on...?” I asked wispering while trying to get out of the handcuffs. Now I was trusting her way more than before.

“ Here are help you...” She said when she saw me twiching. Her hands reached for me and I turned around handing her the key. She unlocked the handcuffs and I felt relief to finally be able to use my hands.

“ So what’s up?” I asked concerned but much more confident with my hands back.

“ They want to transfer you somewhere else...They don’t tell me where...” She said. “ I thought they would let me outside with Phill...” She said glancing at the door outside. “ And then I’d set you free and take the other one down...But I guess we’ll have to take down both of them when they come to take you...” She explained but I was still looking at her puzzled. “ I said I’d help them so that I could help you but apparently they still don’t trust me... And they’re right...” She said with a tiny chuckle. I ignored that since I had even more questions.

“ Why are they transfering me?” I asked confused.

“ Because Marcus didn’t text last night...” She said as if that should mean something to me. She said it with a smile as if that was encouraging.

“Who’s Marcus?” I asked still confused.

“ The shifter...” She said as clarification but I still didn’t know what she was talking about. I saw her eyes turning wider as she saw my expression.

“ You don’t know?” She asked.

“ Know what?” I asked impatiently.

“ Marcus is the shifter that took your place!” Took my place! What? My eyes turned wide with shock and fear. Was she saying what I thought she was? “ He hit you in the head so he could take your place and keep an eye on the others till they’d take them out too. I’m not sure how they planned to do that...But they certainly wanted to take you out one at a time and make sure you wouldn’t notice...” She explained and I felt like I would throw up. (Y/N), the kids...Dean...They were all home with a shifter impersonating me! The things that he could do to them! But before I started panicking (even more that is) I realised what Sia said a moment ago.

“ But he didn’t communicate...That means they got him...” I said smiling widely and looking desperately at Sia.

“ That’s what I think...” She said but I noticed some hesitation in her voice.“ Relax...” She said again. “ I find hard to believe that neither your wife nor your brother suspected anything in time...” She said and she wasn’t trying to comfort me. She was actually believing that.

“ So what do we do now?!” I asked impatiently.

“ We wait...”

 

**Your point of view**

You walked in Dean’s room as the sun was rising. He still had about half an hour to sleep so you did your best not to wake him up. You brushed his hair and leaned to press your lips gently on his forehead. A promise to bring Dad home. And a reminder that you loved him You wispered goodbye and walked outised as silently as possible. You rushed to Charlie’s room knowing that Dean would be there any minute now. You hesitated at first to kiss her because you dind’t want to wake her up. But in the end you couldn’t resist and kissed your baby’s tiny head. She mumbled something in her sleep. You wispered to goodbye to her too and you pulled back rushing out. When you walked down you saw Dean entering.

“ Ready?” He asked you gruffly but still trying to be quiet not to wake up the kids. You saw the bracelet on his hand as you were heading close to him. You grabbed your bag containing your weapons.

“ Ready...” You said raising your hand to the level of his eyes so he could see the bracelet and recognise it if it came to it. The next moment you said goodbye to Jody and you both headed to the car. It wasn’t hard to find the building. There were some other buildings around but the place seemed mostly empty. Except from an old lady carrying her groceries that rushed inside the moment she saw you. But when you got to your destination you both immediately felt relief. There was an SUV parked outside that didn’t fit at all with the abandoned scenery. That meant that you got there in time. Sam was still there!You loaded your guns and got out of the car. You headed to what looked like the main entrance looking at the broken windows to make sure no one was watching you...

 

**Sam’s point of view**

We haven’t been waiting too long when the door opened. Phill opened the door and signaled both me and Sia with his head to get out. I pretended to still have the handcuffs on and we both walked out. The other shifter was there too.

“ Go make sure everything’s fine...” The other guy told Phill and I waited till I saw him disappear in the corner to raise my fist and punch him. He growled in pain and fell backwards but just as I was ready to hit him again he managed to punch me too. I tasted blood but I was otherwise alright. I hit him with my elbow and I knocked him down. He was still alive but unconscious. And just as that happened I heard an outraged cry from somewhere outside. There were no actual windows around I couldn’t see. But I recognised that cry. It was Dean’s voice! He was here! Or was that Phill making a show? I looked alarmed at Sia.

“ Go...” She told me looking alarmed too. “ I’ll make sure he won’t wake up...I’ll meet you out...” She added. I nodded and run down the corridor where Phill went.

**Your point of view**

You and Dean heard the cry behind you! A cry you both recognised. Both you and Dean turned alarmed to see raising your guns!

“ You’re gonna pay for everything you did to me!” A bloody Dean was running towards you! It took you a few seconds to realise what was going on. But the rage and the wounds made you understand that this was the shifter you had captured! How the hell did he escape? “THEY’RE HERE, JACOB!” He yelled at the top of his lungs just as Dean took a shot at him! Now they knew you were there! You lost the element of surprise! Dean missed and that was enough for the shifter to get close enough and slam you against the door so hard that you went through and found yourself lying flat on the dusty lobby as your gun slipped from your hand. You moaned in pain! And then you heard Dean growling in pain. But you weren’t sure whether it was Dean or the shifter. You got up with your spine aching. Dean turned around to see if you were alright and his double punched him so hard he staggered! But was quick enough to punch him back!

“ Go...I got this!” He yelled to you. “ Hurry! I’ll catch up with you!” You run for your gun but once you had it in your hands again you hesitated to leave. You contemplated shooting the shifter but you didn’t have a clear shot! You could shoot Dean! “ Go!” Dean yelled to you again just as he was giving the shifter another punch that almost got him down and run for his gun that he had slipped somehwere outside. Now the shifter was staggering. Dean gave you a reassuring look and you run to find Sam! And you weren’t sure how much time you had! Now they knew you were here and they could take him out from another entrance! You needed to hurry. As you were running down the corridor you thought about yelling for him but you weren’t sure the answer you’d get would be from him. And as you were running you saw the slimy pile of skin at the bottom of a staircase. You looked at it disgusted. It was fresh. A shifter had changed after hearing the cries you thought. And continued searching having in mind not to trust anyone...

**Sam’s point of view**

I found myself going down some more stairs. I could hear footsteps running somewhere below as the battle cries from outside where getting louder. And as I was going downstairs as fast as I could I stambled upon...skin... In the middle of the corridor I was standing now in. I bend to examine the remains better. I touched them feeling disgusted. But I recognised Phill’s characteristics on them. Who knows who he could be now. Maybe me...Maybe Sia...Or his personal preference... (Y/N)... I run down the corridor and I found myself in a room where (Y/N) was running around. Only I knew too damn well It wasn’t (Y/N)...

**Your point of view**

You heard the sound of a door bursting open behind you in the small room you were now searching for Sam with no luck. You turned around with your gun loaded and ready to shoot. But you hesitated for a moment as you saw Sam staring at you. But You were much more surprised than he was.

“ Really?” He asked sarcastically and before you could even consider the possiblity of him being really Sam he threw your gun off your hands and attempted to punch you. You ducked and avoided the punch at the last minute and went on to punch him yourself. You succeeded. He growled but he wasn’t otherwise hurt. You didn’t really wait to see what happened. You dived to grab your gun and shoot the damn shifter! But he mangaed to grab you from your stomach with such force that you felt you’d throw up and he slammed you against the wall holding your hands down so tight it hurt. You almost cried of pain. As you were getting ready to kick him his eyes locked on your wrist and his grip loosened. A grip that along with your hand was also holding the bracelet. You both locked eyes at the same moment! They went wide with the realisation and the relief!

“ (Y/N)!” He said with relief and pain.He let you go shocked and guilty he attacked you and immediately wrapped his arms around you in a tight hug. You wrapped your arms around his neck. You were holding each other so tight you could barely breathe. You were breathing fast in relief as you were feeling your heart beating painfully bringing tears to your eyes. “ I’m so sorry...” He said gruffly in a trembling voice. “ (Y/N), I’m so sorry... Are you alright?” He asked impatiently breathing heavily.

“ I’m fine...I’m fine...” You reassured him as your eyes were flooding. And pulled back enough to share a deep passionate kiss. Full of love and relief. You felt your heart would explode. And you pulled back to look at him. To make sure he was alright. “Did they hurt you?” You asked in agony.

“ No...No...” He said pushing back just enough to look at you.

“ I got so scared!” You said your voice trembling with emotion.

“ Me too!...Me too!” He said soothingly but his voice broke with relief and worry. “The kids...Dean...” He started asking worried as hell.

“ The kids are fine...” You answered brushing his hair. “ Dean is here... He was fighting with a shifter...” You said and pulled back so you’d both head back to find Dean. But he walked in before you could get out.

“ (Y/N)!” He said looking at you. He was breathing heavily. But he wasn’t in a hurry. Before you could say anything Sam pushed you behind him. Dean alarmed raised his gun against his brother.

“ Sam...It’s him...”You said brushing his arm soothingly. Signaling him that everything was fine. Dean stood down seeing the bracelet on your hand but Sam didn’t.

“ How do you know?” He asked you looking at Dean cautiously but trusting your word. Dean chcukled relieved.

“ Silver bracelet!” He said showing Sam his wrist before breathing deeply in relief and pulling his brother in for an emotional hug. Sam hugged him back chuckling happily to see his brother again. Relieved he was alright.

“ We need to find the shifters...” You said after they pulled back. And you were surprised Dean was so calm.

“ Too late...” Dean said. “ They got away...” He explained frustrated.

“ Dammit!” You said angrily.

“ I got their plate number...It shouldn’t be too hard to find them...” He said and explained exactly what happened as you were getting out. And as you got out of the building you saw Sia tied in handcuffs next to your car. “ Plus I got her...” Dean said smiling to you proudly.

“ You bitch!” You yelled and started walking towards her in fast steps boiling with anger. You saw her looking at you scared and you could barely hear the voice behind you. Sam’s voice.

“ (Y/N)! NO!” He yelled and manged to stop you before punching her. He held your fist and you turned to look at him shocked. “ She hleped me escape!” Sam explained gruffly.

“ What the hell are you talking about?” Dean asked confused.

“ No! She didn’t help you escape! She was playing you! As she was playing all of us!” You yelled looking at her mad with anger.

“ Just listen to me!” Sam said as you were still looking at her as she was trying to talk. Maybe explain herself. But before Sam or her could say anything Dean’s low and alarmed voice reached your ears.

“ Guys...” Both you and Sam knew that tone. It meant you were in trouble.You both turned to look at him. His back was facing you. And then Sam’s back was facing his. And then your back was facing theirs as you were seeing angels surrounding you...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on January 21... :-)


	59. Chapter 59

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay...:-/

**Your point of view**

You felt your heartbeat rising as you were seeing a bunch of men and women moving closer to you threateningly...And there were more...About fourty angels coming your way.

“ Any chance you actually brought angel blades with you?” Sam asked you and Dean. You looked back towards the trunk. You knew you most definitely had angel blades in there but...

“ If we make a sudden move now we’ll be dead in seconds...” Dean said noticing you looking back towards the trunk. The angels were moving cautiously closer to you. They seemed a little hesitant. Probably because they weren’t sure why you weren’t attacking already. From their point of view they either had the upper hand and you were just buying time or you were waiting for them to get closer which could actually mean a trap. To you it was clear the angels had the upper hand and you would take advantage of that hesitation to think of a way out of the situation. You felt your forehead sweating as you weren’t sure how much more time you had. And then...

“ Untie me...” You heard a determined wisper from behind. You turned your head slightly to look at Sia outraged. What made her think you would do that? Especially now? But she wasn’t looking at you. She was looking at Sam. Straight in his eyes. You turned your glance towards him to signal him not to do it. But he wasn’t looking at you. He was looking at Sia and you understood that he was contemplating the idea.

“ Don’t!” You said with a warning look towards Sam. With a small move of her head Sia brushed off your objection.

“ I can help...” She said to Sam again. Dean who heard the conversation turned his head back to see what was going on. He looked at Sam enraged.

“ Did the shifters hit you on the head?!” He hissed. Sam looked at him exhaling deeply. And then at you with another exhale.

“ I need to get to the angel blades...” He said changing the subject looking around as the angels were moving closer faster. You relaxed when you heard that.

“ We’ll cover you...” You wispered and your voice was followed by Dean’s.

“ I’ll take the front...” He said gruffly as he was clenching his fists. You looked on both your sides and then at the car behind you maping in your head how you’d cover for Sam to give him enough time to get your angel blades. A second later you looked back at him. You nodded and he nodded back. You knew the moment Sam would run the angels would attack and you were ready for it.

“ One...” Sam wispered. You clenched your fists too and noted to yourself to remember to use your elbows, the stronger part of your body. “ Two...” He said and you were feeling the adrenaline run through your blood. “ Three!” He said and everything happened so fast. In the next few moments you run towards the trunk first ready to punch the angels who attacked with a battle cry. They needed a few moments to get to you and those were enough for Sam to get to the trunk. He opened it and you stood behind him punching every angel was coming your way. You could hear punching noises in the distance too and Dean growling. You took a peek to see him hit the angels with force and you also saw Sia was scared but the angels weren’t really interested in her. The next moment Sam handed you the angel blade just in time for you to stab the angel that was coming from your right.

“ Dean!” He yelled and the next moment an angel blade was flying across the air and landed on Dean’s hand who turned around and stabbed the angel that was coming from his left. And then you were fighting. Ten angels were already down but around thrirty were still fighting. You saw Sam running towards Dean stabbing his way through and then...Then he handed something to Sia. Keys! The handcuff keys!

“ Hurry!” He yelled! And that was enough to distract you. You looked at him outraged for a few moments and as he turned to look at you his eyes turned wide with terror.

“ Behind you!” He yelled and you turned around just in time to stab another angel. And then you run towards him and Dean to fight back to back and have each other’s sides covered. And also yell at him for letting Sia go who you believed would have already fled! You were expecting to see her run the moment she was free. But instead you saw her still there. With you and Sam and Dean trying to cover for her as she was painting four circles...sigils...on the hood of the car with her blood. You didn’t have time to think or say anything you were trying to stay alive but a moment later she yelled.

“ Get in the car!” Her voice echoed.

“ They’ll kill us!...” Dean yelled in his gruff voice!

“ Just get in the car!” She yelled again. But with the angels getting closer and closer you didn’t really have a choice. All three of you run to the car. You only had a few seconds before they’s catch up with you. Dean opened the door and Sam almost pushed you in while practically falling on you on the back seat. Dean had already opened the driver’s door and had gotten in. And everything happed so fast again. You saw Sia from the window place her hand on the hood of the car! And then fire bursted out from the point she touched and you only got to see her scream. You didn’t hear her because your ears started buzzing and everything around you started moving in slow motion. You saw Dean trying to cover his head as the glass was breaking in slow motion! The angels outside were ejected from their vessels’ mouths! All at the same time. Then you felt Sam’s arm pushing you down to protect you still in slow motion. And then he fell on you keeping you down with his body weight to the point you felt you couldn’t breathe. And then everything moved so fast you didn’t realise what happened. You saw everything around you crack! The seats! Dean! The car! The images were...breaking! You felt like your head would explode from the pain! You closed your eyes and felt like everything inside you was just sucked away! A moment later the buzzing stopped with a sound that sounded like thunder...or a car crashing... It was like all your senses came back at once. You were feeling cold and your trembling body against the car’s floor. You heard Dean growling in pain just as you were struggling to breathe with Sam on top of you! But you were feeling weak to talk or open your eyes. And then you felt the weight lift with a deep breath. And you got to breathe deeply too! You were feeling so nauseous but you finally opened your eyes. The car was intact.

“ Sam...Dean...” You managed to wisper weakly turning around to look at him.

“ Fine...” Dean said gruffly still trying to come back from whatever this was.

“ I’m alright...too...” Sam said growling too. Once he sat on the seat you got up and finally looked outside the window. You were home. You looked surprised and headed to the door slowly...Misteping...Feeling nauseous...You opened the door and stepped outside and felt better as the cold air hit your face. A moment later Dean opened the door too as you were sitting up.

“Sia...?” You asked and walked to the front of the car were you last saw her. And your heart dropped when you saw her on the street right in front of the car. Her clothes had holes revealing ugly burns. You moved closed to her fast and turned her to face you. With still trembling hands you searched for her pulse on her neck. You sighed relieved once you found it.

“ Is she...?” Dean asked.

“ No...” You said. “ She’s alive...” And just as you were saying these words she woke up with a loud sound of pain.

“ We need to take her in...” Sam said.

“ Yes...” You said and you helped her up. She could still walk so you helped her in to the house. Sam run to the front to open the door. Dean run his hands on the burned surfice of the car he closed his eyes and took a painful expression. Then he stepped back and followed you inside. And as you walked inside you were greeted by Jody who checked both you and Dean to make sure you had your bracelets and she assumed you had already checked Sam. Sia lied on the couch and you told Sam to call the sheriff. She needed constant care and her wounds were pretty bad. You thought it was best if the sheriiff would take care of her. Also you didn’t want your baby to see her like this.

“ What happened?” Jody asked bringing a glass of water to Sia. You all proceeded to look at her unsure but Sia answered.

“ I used a combination...Of four sigils...Two to create a teleporting spell and two to...” She growled. “...to...cast the angels out of their vessels...To buy you some time to figure out what to do...” She explained. She was right. It would take the angels some time to get new vessels and that was enough time for you to hide? What would you do? You didn’t get to think about it because the door opened and the sheriff walked in with his eye red and the edge of his mouth bleeding.

“ I’m so sorry!” He said pleading to you and Dean. “ He got one of the nails and picked the lock!” He said apologetically. Dean patted his back reassuringly and then Sam went on to explain to him what happened as you turned to Sia again who was struggling to stay awake.

“ How did you know those sigils?” You asked mostly to keep her awake but you were also curious.

“ My mother’s personal research...” She said with a cold smile. “ I heard you were searching for me...Before all this...” She said.

“ I wanted to talk about Dean’s deal...” You explained. “We’ll talk about it once you feel better...” You said to her and moved away so that the sheriff could help her to his car. When they walked out you heard Charlie crying from upstairs. You saw Sam’s eyes brighten up as he headed upstairs to get her. A moment later he came back holding Charlie tightly. She was whining but she had her tiny arms around her Dad’s neck holding him so tight.

“ I think somebody’s hungry...” he said to you once you got close to kiss her. Once you did he headed to the kitchen to feed her with Jody’s help.

“ I’m gonna take a shower...” Dean said gruffly exhaling deeply. And he went up the stairs before you could say anything. After he was gone you headed to the kitchen were Jody was giving Charlie her bottle as Sam was watching. This must have been the first time he actually noticed his hands were covered in scratches and that’s why he wasn’t holding Charlie anymore but he was smiling widely looking at her. You smiled too and moved close to him brushing his arm.

“ We need to clean these...” You said gently brushing the scratches on the back of his hand carefull not to cause any pain.

“ Right!” He said with a chuckle as if he just remembered. “ Before Dean comes back from school...” He added gruffly and looked at you. You nodded.

“ You sit on the couch and I’ll what’s needed...” You said with a small smile and you turned around but Sam’s voice stopped you.

“ I can do it myself...” He said with a smile.

“ I know...” You said smiling back. He nodded with a chuckle and with a big smile towards Charlie he left the kitchen. You found everything you needed and after giving a kiss to Charlie’s tiny head you headed to the couch too. Sam was sitting quietly. His smile now was gone. He was exhausted and troubled. Much like you were. And you were certain Dean was feeling that way too. With an important amount of guilt in the mix too. You sat down next to Sam softly and gently brushed his hand as you started clearing the blood with water. The scratches were mostly located close to his wrists buts he had a few on his fingers too.

“ Did the shifters do that?” You asked as you were cleaning the teared skin gently.

“ No...Actually I’ve done this myself...” He replied gruffly. “ Trying to get out of the shackles...” He explained.

“ They used shackles?” You asked horrified.

“ Yeah...” Sam answered.

“ Rusty shackles?” You asked even more horrified.

“ I see where you’re going with this and as much as I’d love to say “no” I don’t think I’ll avoid the shot...” He told you.

“ Damn right you won’t... Are you otherwise hurt?” You asked worried.

“ No...They didn’t hurt me...” He answered.

“ Good...” You said and got up as fast as you could to get to your first aid kit and get the antitetanus shot. You came back with it in your hand. You saw Sam’s eyes turn a little wider as he saw the needle but he stood still and quiet and you gave him the shot. Now that you were feeling much calmer you sat next to him again and continued to treat his hands. For a few moments you were both silent but then...

“ Did he hurt you?” Sam asked gruffly and you raised your head to look at him. His eyes gleaming with worry.

“ No...” You answered reasuringly. “ He was acting just like you would...” You explained.

“Ok...” He said relieved. But then... “ Wait... **Just** like I would?” He asked looking at you as that thought crossed his mind for the first time. You thought it was Sam and Sam realised that maybe the shifter took advantage of it. Did he try to have sex with you? You smiled to Sam and he was puzzled by that smile but you were quick to explain.

“ He tried... But something just didn’t feel right...” You said making an attempt to explain how you felt. “ He looked like you...But...He wasn’t you...” You said looking at him with a smile. Sam nodded.

“ Yeah...I get that...” He said. “ I had my own experience of someone looking like you...But not being you...” He explained with a chuckle. You chuckled too. You focused on his hands again. Gently...Affectionately taking care of every single cut.Your mind travelled back years ago...In Danny’s couch...He wouldn’t let you treat him...And you couldn’t even understand why...Why he wouldn’t let you take care of him when you wanted it so much...While at the same time you wanted to kill the person who made those scratches on his hand... You were lost in your memories when you heard Sam chuckle lightly next to you...

“ Do you remember?...At Danny’s?” He asked looking at you smiling.

“ Yeah...” You admitted smiling gently. “ You wouldn’t let me take care of you...” You said chuckling at the memory.

“ I thought you were dating Danny...” Sam objected with a chuckle. You chuckled too at the memory as you were still clearing Sam’s wounds.

“ I was so stupid...” You said smiling.

“ What?” Sam asked confused.

“ You saw me with another man...What were you supposed to think...” You said raising your shoulders slightly. “ And it didn’t even cross my mind at the time...” You said smiling apologetically. He smiled to you and slowly leaned close and jis lips brushed yours in a loving kiss. You raised your hands and brushed his hair gently. He pulled back slowly too.

“ I love you so much...” He said in a low voice. You looked straight into his eyes.

“ I love you too...” You said in a low voice too and you both leaned closer and your lips locked in a loving kiss that took both your breaths away. When you pulled back you rested your head on his chest as he wrapped his arms around you tightly.

“ What do we do now?” He asked worried and he didn’t have to explain what he meant. You already knew. The burden he was feeling inside. You were feeling it too. Now you had three shifters (at least) after you and a bunch of angels that would find you in less than two days. And Cas was nowhere to be found...Assuming he was still alive ( That thought made your heart sink). And you knew too well that neither the angels nor the shifters would leave your kids out of this. And you and Sam had to decide how to protect them.

“ I think...” You started saying and you took a deep breath before going on. “ It’s time we head back to the bunker...At least for a few days...until we decide what to do...” Your voice was serious and gruff. Sam exhaled deeply. He didn’t like that idea any more than you did. But at this point...It sounded like your best choice.

“ We should leave as soon as possible...” He said gruffly staring at the kitchen door where the sound of Charlie’s laughter was coming from.

“ Tonight...” You said with an even gruffer voice. And exhaled deeply just as you heard the school bus arriving and you got up to welcome your baby home. Once Sam opened the door ( his hands were clean now) Dean practically jumped on him more than excited to see him.

“ I’ve missed you so much, Dad!” Dean said hugging Sam tightly.

“ I’ve missed you too, Buddy...” Sam replied smiling widely and kissed Dean’s hair.

“ Do you want to see the drawing I made yesterday?” Dean asked Sam excited.

“ Of course, I do! , Dean!” Sam said and Dean pulled back in a hurry. He run to hug you too giving you a small kiss and then he run behind you to hug Dean who was walking down the stairs. And then he pulled back and headed to his room to leave his bag and find his drawing before coming down for lunch ( that you actually had thanks to Jody...). You took advantage of Dean’s absence to talk about what you’d do from now on. Dean didn’t agree with you taking the kids to the bunker but he couldn’t see another solution either. So you decided that you and Dean would go to the sheriff’s in the afternoon to talk to Sia while Sam would pack Dean’s and Charlie’s stuff. He wanted to talk to Sia too but you and Dean insisted that it was best for him to take some rest and besides that you needed to talk to Sia and apologise for thinking she betrayed you. Jody agreed to stay home till you leave to help you in any way she could. So after having lunch together you and Dean got ready and headed to the sheriff’s. During the ride to the sheriff’s Dean didn’t say a single word. He was lost in his thoughts and you decided that it was best not to say anything just yet. Instead you thought it was best to wait to see what Sia had to say. When you arrived and you walked in you found Sia sitting on the couch. She was holding some short of beverage in her hand. You weren’t sure what. But she definitely seemed a lot better than when she left. She raised her head when she saw you.

“ Hey...” She greeted you smiling. She was really pale.

“ Hey...” You greeted her back as Dean greeted her with a nod. You moved slowly close to her and sat on the table that was in front of her. It was a short living room table. It had almost the same height as the couch. “ How are you feeling?” You asked.

“ Much better...” She said but her tone was cold. Dean gave you a side look and proceeded.

“ Listen...We wanted to...” He started saying.

“ Find out what I know about the deal...” She finished Dean’s sentence with the same cold tone.

“ That too...” You admitted.

“ But most importantly...” Dean continued and now Sia was looking at both of you confused. “ We wanted to thank you...” He said.

“ You saved our lives...” You added and took a deep breath. “We’re sorry we thought you betrayed us...” You continued with a warm apologetic tone.

“ Don’t apologise...” She said and looked at both yours and Dean’s surprised faces. “ That’s what they wanted you to think...” She explained.

“ I’m sorry what?” Dean asked confused.

“ The shifters...” She explained calmly. “ Thinking that I was trying to set a trap would take your focus away from them and help them escape if things went wrong...I understand you got some texts...” She said talking to you. “ It wasn’t me...” She explained.

“ And the call?” You asked. “ Was it you? Or a shifter?” You looked at her confused.

“ Shifter...” She answered bluntly.

“ OK...” Dean said with a puzzled expression on his face. “ But what did the shifters want with you in the firstplace...?” He asked. Sia took a deep breath as both you and Dean were looking at her eager to hear the explanation.

“ I’ll tell you what I know...” She said finally. You and Dean shared a concerned look and you looked back at Sia as she started talking. “ My mother had groups of every known monster united specifically to take you down...You have a lot of enemies...I’m sure that doesn’t come as a surprise...” She said.

“ No...” You chuckled sarcastically and Sia continued.

“ Most of those groups were part of her back up plans...or even just there for protection...The shifters were there for revenge too but when my mother was killed most of them were frightened to go on with the plan...Those three guys though decided they wanted to finish what she started...” She said. You felt chills run down your spine. They wanted to hurt your kids? They wanted to hurt Dean and Charlie? Sia saw the terrified look on your face and rushed to explain. “ They are not targeting your kids...” She reassured you. “They want to make you three suffer...But they are not naive enough to attack you all three at once... So they approached me and asked for help and when I refused I knew they’d come after me and that’s why I fled... But they captured me thankfully after I dropped my daughter to her father’s house...They blackmailed me to help them...They said they’d kill my daughter when they find her... I don’t believe they would but of course I’m not going to take any chances...So when I heard they brought Sam in he agreed to help me take them down and I agreed to help him escape... So I lied that I’d help them to gain their trust...The rest is history...” She concluded.

“ So the hex bag I found? You gave it to them?” You asked.

“ It was mine...But I didn’t give it to them...I put it in your jacket myself when my mother had you tied up...” She said looking straight at Dean! He instinctively made a move for his gun but you stopped him. You could see Sia wasn’t about to attack. You wanted to see where she was going with this.

“ How come I haven’t noticed?” Dean asked still not letting his gun go.

“ It was a really small hex bag and you were focused on other things...Like saving the others...” She explained but you were still looking at her confused and alarmed. “ And then...I guess you didn’t wear the jacket again...” She said making a hypothesis. You started thinking about it. Indeed. The last time you saw Dean wearing that Jacket was when you woke up again after being shot. And with everything that was going on at that point. No wonder he didn’t notice a hex bag in his pocket that didn’t seem to do anything either.

“ Why did you put it there?” You asked confused. Sia took a deep breath and continued.

“ This is what you came hear to find out... I don’t know anything more about the deal than what I have already told you... But I did lie about the pain in your chest...” She said looking at Dean. “ It wasn’t caused by the deal... **I** caused it... to scare you and gain your trust so you’d help me to take down my mother... The pain you were feeling in your chest was because of the hex bag...Mild at first and excruciating when I was close enough and activated the hex bag with the spell...” She explained and you were looking at her shocked as your minds were putting the pieces together. Indeed the only time Dean felt that kind of excruciating pain was the night you captured Sia and then eventually it just...stopped. If this was the angels’ work it would have never stopped! Dean would be dead by now!

“ Then why did the shifter act like it was his?” Dean asked as his mind was working fast.

“ He didn’t...” You answered turning to look at him. “ He panicked that I started suspecting that something was wrong...” You said. It turns out it had nothing to do with laundry at all.

“ Exactly...” Sia backed you up. “ When you started suspecting Dean he decided it was best to play along and drive your suspicions away...” She explained. “ At leats that’s what I heard from them...”She added.

“ And then he played us against each other...” Dean said looking at you.

“ Yeah...” You answered. And felt greatfull for that hex bag because if it wasn’t for it you’d probably have never realised that Sam wasn’t Sam in time. “ Also...” You said trning to Sia. “ Cas disappeared when he was searching for you...Any idea where he is? Do the shifter’s have him?” You asked and your voice reflected yours and Dean’s desperation.

“ No...” She said shaking her head. “The shifters don’t have him...” She said looking at both of you. “ I have no idea where he is...” She said to you apologetically. “ I’m sorry I can’t be of more help...” She added. “ But I hope **you** can ...The shifter’s are still out there and my daughter is in danger...” She explained.

“ They are after us...We want to take them down too...” You said reassuring her. “ In the meantime...Are you sure you don’t know anything about the deal?” You asked worried. “ Any idea how to break it?” You asked again trying to hold on from anything.

“ No...” She shook her head again. “ It’s an angel matter...” She cocluded.

“ Right...” You said disappointed and looked at Dean even more diappointed to see that he was perfectly content with what he heard. You thanked Sia again and after saying goodbye to the sheriff you headed to the car in total silence. You walked in the car. Passeneger’s seat. Dean would drive you home. During the ride you were both quiet still. Both of you lost in your thoughts. Up until the point you actually made him stop the car so you could talk before arriving home.

“ Sia was a dead end...But we’ll find something else...” You said in a calm warm voice.

“ Something I can live with?” He asked smiling gently at you. But it was a smile that made you feel so much pain. His question was there to remind you that that was probably impossible. And you knew that too but you took a deep breath and answered.

“ Yes...” You said. And with that positive answer you were trying to convince him not to give up. But at the same time you were reminded of your promise. That if you didn’t find something else that he could live with you’d let him go. You looked at him and he looked back at you. Both of you knowing what these few words meant. You felt your throat closing but you nodded to Dean strengthening your promise. He nodded back and you reminded yourself that you weren’t giving up just yet.

“ In the meantime...we need to find Cas...” Dean said worried as he started the car again.

“ Yeah...We do...” You said. “ I’m pretty damn sure the angels are behind this too...” You continued worried. You echaled deeply trying to think. You were almost in front of your home now when Dean opened his mouth to say something. But before he could you both noticed a dark figure in the middle of the road and you were about to crash on it! Dean honked and tried to turn the car around but the figure moved towards you and crashed on the car moments before it stopped. And as the lights illuminated the figure you thought you didn’t see right. You and Dean both looked at each other shocked for only a moment before bursting out of the car to help Cas who was on the street now.

“ Cas...” Dean yelled gruffly in a desperate tone as he was turning Cas to his back. He was awake but he was in a really bad shape and not because he crushed on the car. He was beaten up...Badly... He was bleeding from his mouth and cuts from angel blades were all over him.

“ What the...?” You asked shocked with your voice breaking with worry. You were standing over Cas with Dean now not sure how to help him. Sam who had heard the sound had now opened the door and run towards you once you realised what was going on. At first he thought you hit someone but once he got close.

“ Cas?!” He exclaimed worried and shocked too looking at you and Dean for an explanation. But you both looked back at him clueless as he was. You helped Cas to a sitting position and he started taking deep breaths to feel better?

“ You need to go...” He said looking at all of you worried. His voice was urgent! “ I escaped...They’re after me!...” He managed to say as you were all still looking at each other not knowing what to do.

“ YOU NEED TO GO!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on February 4 or 5... :-)


	60. Chapter 60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay...Here's the chapter...

“ YOU NEED TO GO!” Cas yelled and you all looked at each other stunned and scared.

“ Ok...” Dean said in a not urgent tone. His eyes were communicating the exact opposite emotion to you and Sam. You and Sam shared a worried look. You walked to the trunk and got your angel blades. You moved slowly and carefully looking around you for suspicious activity. You walked back to Sam and Dean and Cas holding the blades. You handed one to Sam and then to Dean who left it on the ground close to him so that it could be easily accesible and he could use both his hands to help Cas up. “ Come on...” He said helping him to stand.

“ Dean...” Cas said holding Dean’s colar to make him notice him and listen to what he was saying. You and Sam shared a worried look and with a small nod you agreed without saying a word for Sam to bring the kids as fast as possible and head to the bunker as soon as possible. But before any of you could make another move you saw angels teleporting around you from everywere! You looked at each other panicked. With fast but calculated moves Dean grabbed the angel blade from the ground. You and Sam held yours tighter.And just as you were stunt and you were all thinking of ways to fight and protect Cas and your babies in the house an angel teleported right next to you and touched Cas’s shoulder and the next moment he teleported away!

“ Cas!” Dean yelled as you were all looking around you frantic to find Cas. But he was nowhere...Of course he wasn’t! They would take him out of reach! In the next moment angels moved closer to you and you felt an explosion of adrenaline inside you and you only got to hear Dean’s battle cry before you raised your hand to stab the angel but he grabbed your wrist and then you felt like everything inside you was sucked away. A very intense and painful sensation that lasted only for a moment. The next moment you felt landing staggered on soft soil. You raised your head panicked to look around. You had no idea where you were and there were no houses or roads as far as the eye could see.Until you spotted some lights behind you and you realised you were somewhere out of town. You felt relieved when your eyes met Sam’s alarmed ones and then Dean’s. Before you got the chance to say anything the angels were back. You all instantly moved closer together to form a line of defence. But the angels weren’t attacking and you all shared an even more conserned look. A tall imposing middle aged woman walked from the angel ranks and stood at a good distance from you but you saw no fear in her eyes.

“ If we were here to attack you we would have already done it...” She said with a deep calm voice. Her eyes moved from Sam to you and then to Dean where they lingered a moment longer as if he was the most threatening one.

“ What do you want then?!” Sam asked with a tilt of his head. His voice deep and intimindating. But he was also confused and curious.

“ To negotiate...” She answered in the same calm voice. She barely got to finish what she was saying.

“ Where is Cas?” Dean asked in a gruff and threatening voice. “What did you do to him?” He raised his voice looking at the angels furious.

“ He is fine...He wouldn’t have to suffer any pain if he just stayed where he was supposed to...” The angel answered. You all looked at her confused but not less worried or angry. She continued to explain. “ Castiel is very fond of you. He tried to find a way to keep you alive...But just as we explained to him...The deal was in violation of heaven’s rules and it deffinetly wasn’t approved by the rest of the angels...Now we have to make things right and that means you have to die...” She said looking at Dean. You felt everything inside you tighten but you weren’t really surprised. Neither was Sam. And of course Dean wasn’t either. “ Castiel didn’t agree with that so we made sure he would be out of our way...” The angel continued.

“ By beating him up?” Dean asked sarcastically. The rage in his voice was evident.

“ By keeping him in heaven...” The angel explained without losing her temper. “ But when he tried to escape and go against our will we were forced to punish him...But he tried again and apparently he succeded...” She added. “ But like I said we are not here to fight...and as an example of our good will...” She said and raised her hand with a small but abrupt move and two angels came forward. One of them was Cas fully healed and alert. The other one was holding him. When you saw him you exhaled deeply relieved seeing he was alright. Sam smiled lightly exhaling deeply too and Dean looked at him intently.

“ Are you alright, Cas?” He asked. His voice way calmer and warmer towards Cas. But his eyes were still staring threateningly.

“ I’m fine...” Cas reassured him with a somewhat gruffer voice. His expression was serious. He was worried. But not for himself.

“ Like I said...” The angel spoke again drawing the attention back on her. “ We’re not here to fight... I’ve already lost too many angels trying to kill you...” She said looking straight at Dean. So Dean was right. Those attacks were really because of the deal. You felt like somebody punched you in the stomach. You knew were this was going. Sam was now worried and curious. Dean wasn’t looking at you. His eyes were locked on the angel negotiating. “ Surrender yourself to us and we’ll let Castiel and the rest of you go home...No harm will come to any of you...” She said looking at you and then back at Dean.

“ If not...?” Dean asked but his voice was calmer and less gruff. The rage in his eyes was now gone. He was calm... You knew! You knew he had already made his decision. But you were still feeling your heart beating like a drum waiting to see what was about to happen. And you could almost hear Sam’s heartbeat strong and racing next to you. The angel looked straight at Dean and answer.

“ If not...” She started with the same calm and imposing voice.But the angel holding Cas immediatly drew his angel blade and pointed it to Cas’ chest. You all moved uneasy and held your angel blades tighter.Ready for a fight! But you knew that if you made another move Cas was most certainly dead. Dean was looking at him. His eyes now worried. The angel continued. “...Castiel dies and we engage in one more fight...Maybe they’ll walk away this time...But in the next one...or in the fight after that...they won’t...” She answered tilting her head towards you and Sam threatening your lives but she was only looking at Dean. She was only talking to him. She knew what she was doing. She knew the decision was his. Your hearbeat was rising in vain...You knew what was about to happen...and you were already feeling crushed because you couldn’t stop it...Non of you could...Not without putting the others’ lives in danger...

“ Dean...” You said and your voice was deep and worried. Reflecting your pain. Sam was looking at his brother also knowing where this was going. His eyes determined and his lips a tight line. Telling him his way not to do it. That you were all ready to fight for him. Cas was also looking at Dean determined not to let this happen. Dean turned his head and looked at you with a melancholic smile. You knew that smile and you felt the intense pain spreading through your chest. His eyes reminding you your promise. Then he looked at Sam reassuringly but the last thing Sam felt was reassured. And then he turned and smiled to Cas. The determination in his eyes was replaced by pain as Dean turned his head towards the angel again.

“ I surrender...” He said in the same calm voice.

“ No!” Sam said with a gruff and trembling voice but he didn’t move because Cas still had a knife on his chest. Dean ignored him.

“ I only ask for one thing...” He continued. His voice calm,only slightly gruff and full of emotion. “ Give me some time to say goodbye...” He asked in the same tone. The head angel’s face remained serious and her eyes locked on Dean. She nodded to Dean slowly and answered.

“ As a thank you for your help with the fugitive...You will have two days...” She said and you waited to see where the catch was. “ No more...No less...And I mean that...At midnight of the second day we’ll meet you here...In the meantime...Castiel will remain with us...” The catch! “ If you’re so much as a minute late we’ll kill Castiel the same moment and then the rest will follow...” She said tilting her head towards you and Sam..

“No!Cas!” Dean objected raising his voice.

“ You expect me to let you go with no insurance?!” The angel roared. She took a deep breath and continued in the same calm voice. “I’ll allow you some communication so that you’ll know Castiel is fine at least until midnight of the second day...” She said with some threat in her voice. You knew she wasn’t doing this for Dean or Cas or any of you. She didn’t care. She just wanted Dean to hold up his end of the deal and she knew that he wouldn’t if he suspected that Cas wasn’t alright. Dean looked at her hesitant. Why should he trust the angels? His exprerience yelled that he shouldn’t. But the head angel had no reason to let him say goodbye or even communicate with Cas. It was obvious she wanted to avoid the fighting. And it was also obvious that she wanted that matter to end without starting a vendetta with you and Sam and Cas.Which wouldn’t be possible if she didn’t give Dean the chance to say goodbye. Dean looked at Cas and angrily opened his mouth to object. But Cas spoke before he could.

“ Dean...” He called in a calm voice. “ Go... I’ll be fine...” He said determined. He knew the head angel he knew if she could be trusted or not. Cas nodded to Dean reassuring him that she’d keep her end of the deal. But he also looked briefly towards you and Sam. Signaling Dean that if he didn’t go with you now Sam would fight for him. And maybe die in the process. Dean looked at her again hesitantly but in the end he nodded. And then he looked reassuringly towards Cas. To let him know he’d be there at midnight. That he wouldn’t let anything happen to him or Sam or you. And Cas looked back at him in pain. Because he didn’t need reassurance. He knew Dean would be there...He knew Dean would die...

“ If Cas doesn’t communicate within two hours and twice the next two days I’ll find you and I’ll kill as many of you as I possibly can!” Dean stated in a gruff voice to the head angel.

“ A deal is a deal...” The head angel replied calmly.Three angels approached Sam, you and Dean they touched you before you could even react and the next moment you were all three standing alone in the driveway of your home...

For a few seconds you were all numb. Then you turned to look at Dean and you felt that crushing pain inside. He looked back at you serious and woried. Sam gave a look to both of you and with a tilt of his head signaled you to follow him and go in. The moment he opened the door you were greeted by an upset Jody.

“ Where the hell were you? What the hell happened?” She wispered. Apparently Dean and Charlie were sleeping.You looked at her stunned for a moment. You had forgotten about Jody. You remembered that she was still home with your children and that’s why you weren’t worried but for the most part you completely forgot about her. As you walked in you looked at Dean to show you how he wanted to answer the question. It was his call now.

“ The angels have Cas...Turns out they wanted to...talk” He hesitated before using the word. He didn’t want to tell Jody just yet. And you assumed why. He wanted to talk to Sam first. Sam was sitting next to Jody nodding at what Dean was saying. He seemed downhearted but not otherwise upset.

“ Turns out we won’t be leaving tonight...” You said with an attempt to smile. Jody nodded looking at you straight in the eyes. She knew from your look that something else was going on. But she also understood that you didn’t want her to know just yet. After her eyes lingered a little more on you she turned to all of you.

“ In that case...The place is a little crowded...” She said smiling. “I’ll head to a hotel and I’ll see you guys and the kids in the morning...right?” She added looking at all of you.

“ Right...” Sam answered gruffly but his voice was warm offering Jody a small smile. She nodded and procceeded to kiss all of you goodbye before leaving. You knew she was certain that something more was going on but from the look on your face she understood that you’d tell her soon enough. When she closed the door behind her Sam run his hands through his hair and headed to the living room. Dean looked at him exhaling deeply. But his worried look wasn’t just about Sam. He was thinking about Cas.

“ I shouldn’t have listened to him...” He said gruffly and turned to look at you.

“ Cas trusts her...” You said exhaling deeply. “ She’ll let him go...She doesn’t want a fight and she knows we’ll fight for him...” You explained.

“ Well...we have two days to find a way to get Cas back...” Sam said with a small smile as he was bringing books to the table next to his already on laptop. You felt like somebody punched your stomach making everyhing inside you disappear. It was time. You tried to avoid this moment as much as you could. You were hoping it would never have to come. But Dean was dieing and now Sam had to find out that Dean wanted to let go. Dean breathed deeply and looked at Sam.

“ Sam...” He said in his gruff voice trying to get his attention. Sam left one more book on the table and walked towards you determined.

“ We’ve got two days...” He said in a warm voice. “ Two days is not that much but we can still figure something out... To get Cas back and break the deal...” He said in the same determined tone. Dean gave you a side look and then looked straight into Sam’s eyes.

“ No, we won’t...” He said in a calm but gruff voice.

“ Yes, we will! If we research...” He started saying but Dean interrupted him.

“ No...” He said in the same calm but gruff voice.

“ You’re not thinking of actually accepting the deal, are you?” Sam chuckled as the idea seemed absurd to him.

“ Yes...” Dean admitted looking straight into his eyes. His voice steady and determined.

“ Dean, they’re angels! Since when do we trust angels? Do you really think they’ll let Cas go if you die?” Sam yelled and you saw the pain in his eyes. You wanted to take that pain away but you couldn’t...You could only watch as he slowly began to realise that he’d lose his brother again.

“ They will **certainly** kill him if we try anything... And I won’t put Cas’ life in danger...or anyone else’s for that matter...” Dean explained to him calmly. Sam looked at him confused and hurt as if Dean couldn’t understand what he was talking about. Dean looked him staight in the eyes and continued. “ Listen...” He took a deep breath choosing his words carefully. “ I know you think we can find a way for me to stay...to live...But we’ve been down that road before...many times... We know were it goes...We know there is always a price to pay and I don’t want anyone to pay that price for me...I don’t want to live knowing that someone else has to suffer for it...I don’t want to live with it...I can’t live with it...” He said trying to make Sam understand. You could see desperation and pain building up in Sam’s eyes. And you felt even worse when he turned stubbornly and looked at you for support. Asking with his eyes to back him up. You didn’t speak. And you just looked back at him. Your eyes telling him that you were with Dean on this one. That it was his choice and no matter how painful it was to you and Sam you had to accept it. Cause non of you wanted Dean to live a miserable life trying to make up for a price that he didn’t want anyone to pay for him. A price that he would never forgive himself for... You watched as Sam’s expression turned from stubborness to pain. Pain for his brother at first. And then the pain of you betraying him. The expression on his face made you feel a sharp pain in your chest accompanied by slow and painful heartbeats. He turned his head to Dean again as his eyes started getting wet.

“ Dean...” He attempted to object but Dean stopped him.

“ It’s not a decision I made an hour ago...And it’s not a decision I made lightly...” Dean explained calmly. His voice still gruff but full of emotion. “ I know it hurts you, Sam...But you have to let me go...” He concluded calmly. Sam just looked at him shocked and in pain. His eyes wet. He shook his head and without looking at either of you he turned around and headed to the couch. You turned to look at him and he saw the pain in your eyes too. And he couldn’t handle it right now. He looked at Sam briefly.

“ I’m gonna take a shower...” He told you looking down and then looking at you. He was hurt too seeing how painfull it was for you and Sam to let him go.

“ Ok...” You said understanding he needed some time alone. He nodded to you and walked past you heading upstairs. You turned your head to look at Sam too. Barely holding back the tears as you were feeling the pain of losing Dean again and you were crushed by the pain he was going through. He was sitting on the couch with his elbows on his knees staring at the table in front of him. You moved slowly and sat next to him. Desperate to comfort him. You wanted to take his pain away but you knew you couldn’t do that. But you were hoping to make it more bearable. To hold him and comfort him.

“ Sam...” You said in a soothing and loving voice as you were gently touching his houlder with your hand. You were expecting him to turn around. Look at you. Let you hug him. Hold him... But he didn’t move at all. You saw him closing his eyes for a second and opened them again still staring at the table in front of him.

“ Did you know about this?” He asked without looking at you. His voice low and deep. Slightly gruff. Cold and full with anger and pain. He turned his head slightly and his eyes pierced yours waiting for an answer.

“ Yes...” You admitted in a calm voice looking back at him. His eyes got a little more wet but his expression didn’t change. He turned his head and locked his eyes on the table again.

“ And you didn’t tell me...” He stated in the same voice. Deep, low, gruff...Immense pain and anger. You took your hand off his shoulder as you felt his muscles tense revealing how unwanted your touch was. You felt like everything inside you tightened and you felt a new kind of pain spreading through your whole body.

“ I didn’t want you to go through this unless it was absolutely necessary...” You started explaining trying to keep your voice steady. “ When Dean told me I thought we still had a chance of saving him...He wanted to tell you but I asked him not to do it just yet...He promised to let us give this a shot...And I promised to him that if we didn’t find something he could live with...We’d let him go...” You explained. “ I just hoped...” You continued and your voice broke now. “...that you’d never have to feel that pain...” You concluded. Sam turned to look at you.

“ I expected that from Dean...but you...?” He said and his voice was higher and less gruff now. His eyes mostly refelcting his pain. Then he turned his gaze back to the table and his eyes turned again cold and angry. “ I thought I could trust you...” He said without taking his eyes from the table and his voice was again deep, low and cold. “ I guess I was wrong...” He said in the same voice and got up walking away from you without even looking at you. You watched him go up the stairs and you felt...empty...Like everything inside you just disappeared leaving empty space. His words, his cold voice were still in your head. And you felt the need to curl up on the couch and cry. But the emptiness inside you was paralyzing. Your eyes got wet but before the tears left your eyes you heard footsteps down the stairs. You looked up hopeful it was Sam but it was Dean with his hair still slightly wet. The sight of him replaced some of the emptiness you were feeling with the pain of loss. And you felt like you woke up from what Sam said.

“ Sam?” Dean asked you gruffly looking forhim. His eyes gleamed with hope for a moment.

“ He went to bed...” You said in a low deep voice. At least that’s where you thought Sam was. Dean nodded and the hope in his eyes was gone. Replaced by pain and melancholy.

“ How is he?” He asked in a low voice too as he sat next to you with slow moves. You looked at him and took a deep breath to confirm what he already knew.

“ Not good...” You said without looking at him. You felt the tears gather together in your eyes threatening to flood them. You blinked a few times and you turned to look at Dean. “He’s angry with me for not telling him earlier...” You continued in a steady voice. Dean shook his head with a small melancholic chuckle. “ And he’s in pain...” You concluded. Dean let his head fall looking at the floor. You knew that look. You recognised the pain caused from guilt.

“ Listen...” He said finally lifting his head but not looking at you. His voice gruff but warm. You knew what he was about to say. You knew he would explain his reasoning again. You knew he would remind you that he couldn’t live with the price his life cost. But that wasn’t the problem.

“ I know...” You stopped him and he finally looked at you. You felt the back of your eyes hurt and this time your eyes flooded before you could stop them. A small melancholic smile formed on your lips as you were looking back at Dean. “ But that doesn’t make it any easier...” You said to him in a warm comforting voice. Reminding him that it didn’t matter how many times or how many ways you lost him. The pain for you and Sam was the same. And even if he was ok with dieing you still weren’t ok with losing him. But that certainly wasn’t a reason for him to feel guilty for his choice. And besides that. It wasn’t just you and Sam in this equation. Dean smiled back to you melancholically and you turned to look at him better. “ How are **you**?” You asked in a warm caring voice.

“ Content...” He said with a small smile and took his eyes from you. Content with dying. But not in general. Seeing Sam in pain hurt him. Seeing you in pain hurt him. But he also knew there wasn’t much he could do about it. But he went on. “ I got to see Sam,You and Cas again...And meet Dean and Charlie...” He told you with a smile. “ Also...” He added. “ Cas called... He tried to change my mind but...At least he reassured me he is fine and the angels have every intention of keeping the deal...” He concluded.

“ Good...” You said relieved and after that there was a moment of silence that Dean broke.

“ What are you gonna tell Dean?” He asked in a serious voice turning to look at you. You were a little bit surprised by the question but it wasn’t something you haven’t thought about. It was lurking in the back of your head ever since Dean met his uncle. What would you tell him if he suddenly had to go again? You took a deep breath.

“ Remember...” You answered looking at him. “ When he first met you? He assumed that heaven gave you a few days off...I’m thinking...” You said exhaling deeply. “ Of telling him that those days are over and that you have to go now...” You explained. Dean nodded.

“ I just wanna know what to tell him when I say goodbye...” He said with a loving childish smile. You nodded and he continued. “Also...I wanted to ask you...” He said and his voice was a little gruffer now. “ Maybe Dean could not go to school tomorrow and we can all spend the day together...” He said and turned to look at you for your response. And you smiled to him with your eyes still flooded.

“ You didn’t have to ask about that...” You said smiling in tears. Dean smiled back and you moved closer to hug him. He hugged you back full of emotion. After a few moments you both pulled back smiling.

“ I think we should get some sleep...” Dean said with a smile.

“ Yeah...” You agreed smiling back. “ Goodnight...” You added in a warm voice.

“ Goodnight...” Dean said too with a smile and you got up heading upstairs doubting that anyone in this house would get some sleep beside your children. You went up the stairs and arrived at your door. You felt again that emptiness inside as Sam’s words started echoing in your head again. You closed your eyes and told yourself that he didn’t mean it. But you felt even more empty when you realised you weren’t that sure. And then that emptiness followed pain. Spreading through your chest. Slowly you opened the door and you saw his figure on the bed. His back facing your side. You walked in and closed the door behind. You moved slowly and climbed on the bed. You looked at Sam’s back. Moving with each breath. You knew he wasn’t sleeping. But he didn’t even want to look at you. You moved closer and touched his shoulder again. And in that moment that emptiness inside you roared making you realise how much you wanted him to turn around and hug you. How much you needed to hug him. How much you wanted to hear that he didn’t mean what he said. But Sam didn’t even flinch. It was like you weren’t there.

“ Sam...” You said in a warm loving voice. No response. He didn’t move, he didn’t speak. You took a deep beath with closed eyes trying to control the roaring emptiness. You opened them again. “Can we talk?” You asked in a low voice. Again no response. You’d start thinking he was sleeping if you couldn’t see his eyes being open. You pulled back feeling how unwanted your touch was. How unwanted you were. You sat next to him under the covers and you decided to tell him how you were feeling. You took a deep breath and started. “ I know you’re in pain...And if I could take that pain from you I would...Because I love you...So much...” You said and your eyes flooded. “ I wanted to spare you that pain...I’m sorry I hurt you...But I don’t regret not telling you...” You concluded in a determined tone. And you hid yourself under the covers. You were waiting for a response. You were waiting for Sam to say something. You felt him move at the other side of the bed. And for a moment you thought he’d just move closer to hug you but the movement stopped a minute later. For a second you were stunned. You turned your head slightly to look at Sam. His back still facing you. He only got more comfortable on the bed. You turned around again and that moment that emptiness inside you disappeared from the crushing pain of everything. Sam...Dean...everything. You felt you couldn’t move. You felt you couldn’t breathe...The only think you could feel was the crushing pain that was spreading from your heart to your chest pinning you on the bed. And tears just started to run down your cheeks... You stayed awake the rest of the night. In the early morning hours exhaustion finally got you and you were dragged in nightmares of all kinds. That finally ended with your baby crying and asking for you.

“ MOM...” He was yelling but you couldn’t get to him as the darkness consumed you. “ MOOOM!” You heard once more and you opened your eyes and for a second your heart wasn’t beating. And then it started beating so hard it was painful. But the voice you were hearing in your dream was coming from the small figure lifting your hand to hug you.

“ Mom...Dad said to wake you up...” Dean informed you with a smile as he was making himself comfortable with your arm around him. It was morning. You were probably late since Sam sent Dean to wake you. Apparently he didn’t want to do it himself either. You felt like you were being punched again.

“ Goodmorning,baby...” You said in a gruff from sleep voice. You moved to sit up and Dean moved to so you could get up. “ Where is Dad?” You asked Dean with a smile.

“ He is making breakfast with uncle Dean...” He replied smiling to you and then dragged your hand to follow him. You stopped him chuckling. Somehow Dean was making you feel better. You kneeled and kissed his head.

“ I’ll be down in a couple of minutes...” You said.

“ Ok...” Dean replied and with a brief hug he left the room running to go back to the kitchen. You got dressed ready to face Sam again. And also tell Dean about his uncle...And also explain to Jody what was up if Dean didn’t want to do that himself. You went down the stairs and took a deep breath before entering the kitchen. You saw your baby drinking his apple juice and Dean drinking his coffee while Sam was making pancakes.

“ Hey...” You greeted them.

“ Hey...” Dean greeted you back with a smile. He was clearly in a good mood. And that was a relief for you too.

“ Hey...” Sam greeted you to in a cold voice without turning around. And you were certain he only greeted you at all because your child was in the room. He turned around with a smile and left pancakes on Dean’s plate. “ There you go, Buddy...” He said with a warm voice towards your baby. But that wasn’t enough to hide the pain and the anger he was feeling. Again he avoided your eyes completely and turned around to continue what he was doing. Dean looked at you as he was drinking his coffee. He was beginning to get tired of his brother’s stubborness. You gave him back a disappointed look and moved closer to the table but you didn’t sit.

“ Charlie?” You asked looking around surprised you didn’t see her.

“ Still sleeping...” Your baby answered you.

“ I checked on her but I thought it was best to let her sleep...” Sam answered to you and his voice was calm but cold. You nodded.

“ I’m going to the bathroom and then in my room to play...” Your baby announced you a moment later getting off the chair and leaving the kitchen. And once he went up the stairs you turned towards Sam who still had his back turned on you. Dean put his mug down.

“ This is how it’s going to be from now on?” You asked. Your tone aggressive. Angry. “ You won’t be talking to me?” You said looking at him waiting for a response.

“ What do you want me to say?” Sam asked and finally turned around to look at you. His voice calm and warm with anger. “ That everything’s ok? It’s not...” He said looking straight into your eyes and you saw how hurt he was but you weren’t sure this had to do with you. “ You should have told me...” He said accusingly. You took a deep breath.

“ I thought I was do...” You started saying but he interrupted you.

“... The right thing...” He finished your sentense. “ You always do...” He continued with some short of sarcasm in his voice. For a moment you just stood there watching him. It was like your mind just couldn’t comprehend what you were hearing. And then...You snapped. Everything broke. Everything that was holding your anger, your pain, Your love back...just broke.

“ Oh! I’m sorry!” You started saying sarcastically with a voice that was trembling because of a variety of emotions that took turns in being dominant inside you in a matter of seconds. “ I’m sorry I wanted to protect you! I’m sorry I wanted to spare you that pain! I’m sorry I didn’t want you to go through this again!...” And then your voice just broke. And then it couldn’t get out. Both Sam and Dean were just watching you. Dean was surprised by your outburst. But Sam was watching you like every word coming out of your mouth was a punch to him. And once your voice was lost you felt your face muscles move painfully and involuntarily. You were about to cry and you couldn’t stop it. You couldn’t control it! And you didn’t want to cry! Not right now! Not at this point! But you just rushed out of the room without looking back as the tears blocked your vision...

 

**Sam’s point of view**

I heard her footsteps running up the stairs while I was just looking at the kitchen door stunned. Not sure how I was supposed to feel. I was angry! Really angry that she didn’t tell me! I was mad at her! But I also couldn’t stand her pain! I couldn’t stand the tears in her eyes that I knew too well I caused! And I was just stunned as a battle was raging inside me. I heard the door of our room closing and...

“ What the hell was that?” Dean stood up in a moment. His voice gruff. Full of rage just like his eyes. I was taken by surprise but I wasn’t prepared to hear anything from Dean!

“ Oh! Come on!” I said towards him angry as hell. “ You’ve always done the same thing! You’ve always hid things from me! You’ve always lied to me to _protect me_!” I yelled at Dean but he looked at me even more pissed off.Maybe even a little disappointed.

“ And you’ve never done that, right?” He said in a loud gruff voice.The irony was obvious. And his words hit me hard cause although I didn’t want to admit it to myself I **have** done this! “Look me in the eyes and tell me you’ve never hid anything to protect the people you loved!” Dean continued in the same sarcastic tone and the same gruff and full of rage voice. His eyes pinning me to where I was standing as the memories where crossing my mind in fractions of a second. All the times I went behind Dean’s back! The reason Charlie got her name! Lying to (Y/N) about the hunt when she was pregnant with Dean! I swallowed hard as my mind was trying to find a way out of the deadend I put myself in! But Dean didn’t stop! “ You know what! Forget it! Look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn’t do the exact same thing for your kids! For (Y/N)!...For me ...For Cas...for everyone you love!” He said looking straight in my eyes. And I was looking at him frozen because even **I** didn’t know the lengths that I would go to for my kids!...For (Y/N)...For my big brother! For my best friend! I looked back at Dean’s angry eyes and I felt like I went back decades...Like I was a kid again and my big brother was once again there to yell at me for something I’ve done...And I felt ashamed and at the same time a punch in my stomach brought from that memory. Dean only made a small pause looking at me angrily and continued in the same tone. The same gruff and enraged voice! “But we both know you’re not angry with (Y/N)! You’re angry with me!” And I felt like he punched me in the face with the truth. “You’re angry because I made a choice you don’t agree with and you’re angry because you can’t change my mind! And I Understand you’re angry! I know it hurts you! Bit this is my choise!” He said in the same angry tone. “You always said I didn’t respect your choices! Well, Here’s your chance to prove you’re better and respect mine!!!” He said with a last piercing look at me and stormed out of the kitchen! For a moment I was just standing there! But the next moment everything collapsed! My anger was gone...Or rather it took it’s true form...Pain...A lot of pain...And guilt...Because I knew Dean was right...Mostly... It wasn’t that I didn’t respect his choice...It was that I didn’t want to understand why he made this choice... It was the fact that inside I knew he was right...I knew there was nothing I could do for my brother without putting everyone else including myself in danger...And that realisation came with the realisation that Dean would indeed be gone again! All this time somewhere inside I thought we’d find a way...But now I had to accept that there wasn’t a way...Not one that we could both live with... And the pain crushed me...I felt my eyes get wet and I couldn’t control it...I felt I couldn’t stand my thoughts...My very existense at this point...I walked out of the kitchen and I didn’t remmeber doing it...

**Your point of view**

You heard the doorbell. Jody! You thought in an instant and got off your bed. You took a couple of deep breaths that were still trembling and waited a couple of minutes for your red eyes and your red nose to return to a normal colour. Your eyes did indeed look better. Your nose not so much. But you ignored it and opened the door to head downstairs. The first thing you saw at the top of the stairs was Jody standing at the door that was opened by a really upset Sam. His eyes were red and wet. His expression one of pain and distress even though he was trying to hide it. You could still see some of the anger there too but it was a different kind of anger. It was a medley of emotions raging inside him. You went down the stairs and looked at Jody who greeted him concerned but before she could ask what was wrong she spotted you coming down. Once you did you noticed Dean also upset on the couch. He just looked at Jody. It was obvious that something happened between them.

“ Hi, Jody...” You said in a deep voice and she looked back at you even more concerned. Sam took a deep breath and spoke to you.

“ I need to get some air...Do you mind taking care of the kids on your own for a while?” He asked and his voice was low and deep but not cold. Not angry...Upset. You turned to look at him a little surprised and ignored the urge to just hug him. If it was just you and him maybe you would have done it. But it was obvious to you too that he needed some time alone. When your eyes met his his muscles tensed like you just punched him and you felt how desperately he needed to think.

“ No, I don’t mind...” You answered in a low voice. Sam gave you a small nod and without looking at Dean or Jody he walked past her and closed the door behind him. Jody turned around to see the door closing and then she turned to you.

“ What happened?...You had a fight?” She asked. For a few seconds you didn’t know how to reply. You had a fight. But that was not what was tortuting Sam.

“ Worse...” You said finally and turned to look at Dean who was now looking at you talking with Jody knowing that it was time to tell her too. Jody turned to look at him confused. He got off the couch and moved closer to you.

“ I’m dieing...” He said gruffly with a small melancholic smile.

“ For the past two months...” Jody said dismissing his point.

“ Tomorrow...” Dean clarified and you felt like you were being shot. You watched Jody’s eyes turn wide with question and pain. You and Dean proceeded to explain the situation. Leaving Jody shocked giving Dean a big hug. You decided to give them some time alone and you discreetly went up the stairs and into Charlie’s room. Thinking of maybe calling Sam cause you were getting worried. You weren’t sure what happened with Dean but you knew it wasn’t good. You walked in and gently woke up Charlie. It was getting late and you didn’t want her to sleep all day and stay up all night. She whined a little bit annoyed that you woke her up but she felt a lot better when you picked her up. You took her to the kitchen without disturbing Dean and Jody in the living room. You put her in her rocking chair and went to make her something to eat. But you found out that Sam had already mushed apples for her. So you went straight to feeding her. When she was done you went back upstairs and joined Dean in his room. He was playing with the miniature impala Dean gave him and you felt your heart tighten at the thought that you’d soon have to tell him. You spent a good deal of your time playing with them. They were both laughing a lot. Charlie was also very energetic at least till lunch time when she started yawning again. But she still didn’t want to quit playing. And neither did Dean. You on the other hand played with them as much as possible but you couldn’t help worrying about Sam. You thought that if he wasn’t back in a couple of hours you’d go find him. But in the meantime you knew you had to talk to Dean after lunch. You didn’t want to do it tomorrow because you wanted him to have time to process it. And you also wanted to do it before nightfall cause then it would be even heavier for him. Close to lunch time you took Charlie and after kissing Dean you told him to play until you call him for lunch. But as you went to the kitchen you found Dean and Jody there. Jody was already cooking but she wasn’t smiling like usual. And neither was Dean. You immediately felt even worse because the day didn’t go the way he wanted it to.

“ Hey...” He said greeting you and Charlie with a melancholic smile. She turned her head she smiled to him and you saw his face brighten with a childish smile. Then she turned her head towards you again as you were putting her in her rocking chair and she started babbling to herself making the atmosphere less heavy. You smiled to her and sat next to Dean.

“ Any news from Sam?” He asked you. And the fact that he was asking you although he knew you had a fight meant that they fought even worse.

“ No...You?” You asked troubled.

“ No...” He answered in a gruff voice. You nodded.

“ I’m sorry...” You said to him exhaling deeply.

“ For what?” He asked you a little confused.

“ The day didn’t go as planned...” You explained in an apologetic tone. He chuckled lightly.

“ It’s ok...” He said and he meant it partly. He didn’t mind that you all didn’t go out for a walk or took Dean and Charlie to the park. But what was going on with Sam was hurting him a lot.

“ I’ll go find him if he’s not back soon...” You told him.Dean nodded exhaling deeply. He would come with you but he wasn’t sure Sam wanted to see him right now. He didn’t want to make things worse.

“ Lunch is ready...” Jody announced with a smile interrupting the conversation. “ I saved some for Sam...” She added showing you a plate with another plate on top of it upside down. You nodded too and called for Dean to come down. You all had lunch together and although you and Dean were worried about Sam you tried to smile as much as possible for your babies’ shake. You all barely touched your food and once you fed Charlie and her brother was also done you got up to help Jody clean up. Your baby left a little later to go to his room and play. After a while you took a deep breath knowing you had to talk to Dean and went up the stairs. As you were heading to his room you saw the door of your room open and you walked in to find your baby there. He heard the sound and turned around.

“ Mom...” He said leaving two books on your bed and waving at you to come closer. You sat on the bed next to the books smiling. “Which book do you think we should read tonight?...” He asked looking at their covers troubled. You looked at him troubled too. You knew that you had to tell him about his uncle. You took a deep breath and placed the books on your nightstand.

“ Dean...” You said in a warm but serious voice. You hesitated trying to choose your words. You sat on the bed and Dean looked at you curious. You took another deep breath. “ You remember that uncle Dean took a few days off from heaven to come see us?” You asked and you felt terrified of how he’d react to this. He nodded. “Uncle Dean has to go back now...” His little eyes turned wide and you felt like you were being stabbed. “ The days he had are over and now heaven waits for him...” You said and you saw your baby’s eyes getting wet.

“ But...” He said to you and looked at the door. And then back at you. “ But he didn’t stay long...” He complained looking straight into your eyes.

“ I know...” You said in a warm and caring voice.

“ Can’t he stay a little longer?” He asked you again and his voice trembled a little.

“ No, baby...” You said waiting for his reaction. He lowered his head and sniffed and then climbed on the bed to hug you. You held him protectively and brushed his back soothingly. He pulled back just enough to look at you. His eyes were already red tearing your heart in pieces.

“ If I ask?” He asked you and you knew what he meant. If he asked heaven or anyone who’d listen if his uncle could stay at least a little longer. You brushed his hair lovingly.

“ I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way...” You explained and kissed his head.

“ When?” He asked and his voice trembled.

“ Tomorrow...” You answered honestly. Dean nodded and then hugged you tightly. You continued brushing his back trying to comfort him.

“ Dad will be very sad...” He exclaimed in a breaking voice. And you knew he wasn’t just talking about his dad. He was really sad too. And all of you for that matter.

“ Yeah...” You agreed brushing his hair. Your voice calm low and deep. He got comfortable in your arms and stayed there trying to feel better. He didn’t want to talk anymore he just wanted a hug from mom. And you were holding him brushing his back soothingly and kissing his hair protectively for as long as he needed. You could hear him sniff every now and then. And you stayed like that for a while until Dean slowly pushed the door open and looked at you holding your baby in your arms. Your baby was facing the other way and didn’t see Dean standing at the door. Dean looked at you and he immediately understood you had just broken the news to your baby. He took a deep breath and with slow moves he kneeled next to the bed.

“ Dean...” He said asking for your baby’s attention. He turned his head in response and looked at his uncle. His eyes still wet. Dean went on. “ Tomorrow I’ll have to go...” He looked at you for help as he was unsure how to continue. But you didn’t know how to help him either. You just smiled to him encouragingly. “ But today...” He continued. “ Maybe we could play with your toy cars one more time...” He said with a childish smile towards Dean. Your baby took a deep breath and looked at you.

“ Mom, can I go?” He asked in a steady voice.

“ Yeah...” You answered with a smile. He left your arms sniffing but not crying anymore and started walking towards the door. His uncle followed him after offering you a reassuring smile. They walked in Dean’s room and soon you were hearing laughter coming from the open door that made you smile too. You knew your baby wasn’t over it just yet but you also knew that he wanted to spend as much time with his uncle as he could. And you knew Sam would want the same with his brother but you had no idea where he was or even if he was ok. You got dressed and went down the stairs where you found Jody carrying Charlie upstairs. You moved close to her and brushed Charlie’s back.

“ Already asleep?” You wispered with a small smile.

“ We know she is a sleepy baby...” Jody answered in a low voice and then she took Charlie to her crib. In the meantime you wore your jacket and waited for Jody to come down again.

“ Where are you going?” She asked as she came down the stairs.

“ To find Sam...” You answered in a deep troubled voice as you were getting your keys. You thought you’d call him and if he picked up you’d go wherever he was. If he didn’t pick up or didn’t tell you where he was you’d start guessing and you were hoping you’d find him. Jody nodded and you were about to head to the door when it opened and Sam walked in. You and Jody looked at him. He looked at her for a moment and then looked at you. His eyes locked on yours. Wet and red. You felt your heart break. He swallowed hard and looked at Jody again. She offered him a smile.

“ I think I should go now...” She announced. And then her smile disapeared and her voice went deeper. “ I’ll come tomorrow to say goodbye to Dean...” She said and both you and Sam nodded. Jody turned to him and pulled him in for a comforting hug as she understood in how much pain he was. He closed his eyes accepting her hug. She pulled back and she left with a smile towards you. You knew she would stay longer but she knew since morning that you and Sam had a fight. Dean probably told her. And now she wanted to give you space to talk it out. Once Jody closed the door behind her you proceeded to take your jacket off.

“ Where...Where were you going?” Sam asked you in a low warm and slightly trembling voice. You turned to look at him. His expression wasn’t one of anger but pain.

“ To find you...” You answered taking your eyes away from him again. He was just watching you until you looked back at him...

“ I’m sorry...” He said in a deep shaking voice. Slightly gruff. You saw a tear leave his eye. And you were just looking at him taken aback by his pain. And you felt a painful relief hearing him to finally talk about this. “ I didn’t...” His voice almost didn’t come out. “ I didn’t mean what I said...That I don’t trust you...” He said looking at you desperate for a response. Your eyes flooded in a matter of seconds and you moved close to him ready to hug him. You saw the relief in his eyes when he saw you approaching but before you could hug him he went on without looking at you. “ I acted like a colossal jerk...When I know that if I was in your place I’d do the exact same thing...” He said and looked at you with his eyes still wet and guilt weighing down on him. Two thick teardrops left your eyes.

“ And if I was in your place...I would get mad the exact same way...” You said in a trembling voice. And you knew that was true. You would get mad. You would want to know just like he did. “ But I’d understand why you did it...” You contniued and raised your hands and brushed his hair gently and then pulled him in for a hug and he wrapped his arms around you tightly as you were brushing his hair soothingly.

“ I’m so sorry...” He said again in a low deep voice.

“ I know...” You said in a comforting voice. “ I’m sorry too... It’s ok...” You continued and planted a kiss on his neck as you were still holding him. He sniffed and burried his head in your neck. “ It’s ok...” You repeated in a warm loving voice. “ I love you...” You said and kissed his neck tenderly again.

“ I love you too... so much...” He answered in a low and gruff but loving voice. You closed your eyes and let yourselves feel the comfort and the relief of holding each other. You stood like that just holding for a while and when you realised Sam was feeling a little better you went on.

“ This wasn’t just about me,was it?...” You asked in a calm warm voice. “ It was about Dean...” You finished your thought as he was pulling back to look at you.

“ I know there is nothing I can do...no way to stop it...and...” He started explaining in a low deep voice that revealed all his pain.

“ It hurts...” You finished his sentence. “ And no matter how many times we go through it...” You contniued reffering to all the times you lost Dean before.

“ It still hurts...” Sam finsished your sentence in a gruff voice. “ So what do we do now?” He asked you collapsing on the couch. You moved to sit next to him gently. You brushed his arm and planted a small kiss on it.

“ We spend as much time with him as possible...” You said in a gruff voice but with a small smile. You could feel the pain and the burden of what was about to come.

“ Where is he?” Sam asked looking at you.

“ With Dean...” You explained. “ I told him about his uncle...” You added with a deep exhale.

“ How did he take it?” Sam asked you worried.

“ Better than I thought...He was worried about you...” You said with a small smile. Sam smilled too but his smile was darkened by pain.

“ I’m sorry you had to do this alone...” He said to you looking straight into your eyes. You brushed his arm again soothingly.

“ I don’t think you could do it with me...” You said in an understanding tone.

“ No...” He admitted without looking at you. He then leaned towards you to pull you in for a hug. And you wrapped your arms around his neck as he was holding you tight. Kissing your head lovingly.You were both silent for a while lost in your thoughts. Finally Sam broke the silence. “Maybe me and Dean could go for a beer...” He said vocalising his thoughts. “ If that’s ok with you...” He added as you pulled back to look at him. “ And assuming he wants to...” He added troubled. You smiled to him reassuringly.

“ He wants to...” You assured him. “ We should put Dean to bed and then you can go...” You said getting up to head towards the stairs. But...

“ (Y/N)...” You heard Sam’s voice from behind you. You turned around and he came close to you. He leaned and pressed his lips on yours in a loving kiss... You moved your lips against his in the same loving way... You both pulled back with a small smile. Both feeling better with each other and what you’d have to face...

You both headed upstairs where Dean’s door was slightly open. You were about to walk in but then you heard your baby talking and you both stopped. You didn’t want to interrupt.

“ I’m gonna miss you,uncle Dean...” Dean said as he was lying on his bed and his uncle was sitting next to him holding a book open for him.

“ I’m gonna miss you too,kiddo...” Dean said smiling and disturbing your baby’s hair. “ Now when I’m gone...” Dean contnued in a serious tone now. “ I want you to listen to your Mom and Dad ok?” He said.

“ OK...” Your baby answered with a smile but he was serious too.

“ Most of the times at least...” Dean added with mischievous smile to his nephew. And you barely contained a chuckle as you were rolling your eyes.

“ Uncle Dean...” Dean said again and this time his voice was much more serious. “ Will you come back again?” He asked genuinely. And both you and Sam felt a sharp pain.

“ I don’t know...” Dean answered gruffly but he was smiling. Your baby nodded.

“ When you go back to heaven...” Dean contnued in the same serious tone. “ Will you send an angel to watch Mom and Dad and me and Charlie for you?” He asked and you saw Dean through the small opening smiling widely.

“ I know for a fact that there is an angel already keeping an eye on your Dad and your Mom and of course you and Charlie...” Your baby was looking at his uncle curious now. “...He is a little awkward at times...” Dean said chuckling and he continued in a gruff serious voice. “ But he is the best angel I know...And my best friend...” He concluded.

“ What’s his name?”Dean asked excited and you and Sam shared an alarmed look.

“ Let’s just say you’re in good hands...” Dean said with a chuckle trying to avoid the question and you finally opened the door interrupting them and save Dean from answering. Once you opened the door Dean smiled to you and then your baby noticed you.

“ Mom, Dad...” Dean said happily. And you were feeling relieved to see he was in a much better mood. Dean got up and left the book on the nightstand.

“ It’s time for you to sleep...” You said to your baby.

“ Ok...” Dean said not really excited about sleeping. “Goodnight,uncle Dean...” He said as Dean was heading out.

“ Goodnight, kiddo... I’ll see you tomorrow morning...” Dean said back with a smile before walking out. He and Sam shared a look and he walked outside. Sam gave you a look signaling you that he’d go talk to Dean and then leaned to hug your baby.

“ Goodnight,Buddy...I love you...” He said as he lifted him up.

“ I love you too, Dad...” Dean said with a smile to Sam. “Goodnight...” He added and Sam put him down on his bed after kissing his head. He smiled to you and went outside. You lied next to Dean and after he picked a book you started reading...

**Sam’s point of view**

I walked outside and closed the door behind me.

“ Dean...” I said in a gruff voice just as Dean was about to go down the stairs. He turned and looked at me. His expression serious. Uncertain of what I had in mind. I moved closer to him and took a deep breath. “ You were right...” I admitted. “ It was about you...It still is...But not because I don’t respect your choice...” I took another deep breath. “ It’s because I know why you made that choice...And it’s hard for me...” _To accept that I can’t help my brother_ I wanted to say. But with the knot in my throat and the sharp pain in my chest I couldn’t. But I also didn’t have to.

“ I know...” Dean said in a calm understanding voice and I felt so relieved. I nodded as he took a deep breath and continued. “Listen, I’m sorry for yelling at you like that...” He started apologising in a gruff voice looking at me straight in the eyes. But I stopped him.

“ No...I needed it...” I said with a small apologetic chuckle. And it was true. I was so lost in my anger and so unwilling to see why I was so angry that I was being an asshole to (Y/N), to him and I hadn’t even noticed. I needed him to yell at me and make me see how I was acting.

“ Yeah...You kind of did...” He said with a complacent smile.

“ Jerk...” I murmured rolling my wet eyes with a small smile.

“ Bitch...” He said back and pulled me in for a hug. And I hugged him back tightly. I felt my eyes flood again and I tried to contain the tears as much as I could. Dean swallowed hard and after patting my back twice he let go with a chuckle. I smiled back to him. And after a moment of silence I spoke again.

“ Listen...I thought maybe we could go grab a beer...” I proposed pointing at the door.

“ Yeah...” He answered with a surprised and excited smile. I smiled back to him nodding...

**Your point of view**

After Dean finally fell asleep you left his room and headed to Charlie’s room to ckeck on her. After closing the door behind you you headed towards the stairs. You knew that Sam would probably talk to Dean after they left your baby’s room so you tried to go down the stairs as silently as possible not to interrupt. But once you did you found them both wearing their jackets. Sam was checking for his keys while Dean was waiting at the door. Dean smiled to you clearly in a much better mood. Today seemed ro take a different turn. Sam was also smiling. And you smiled to yourself relieved to see that. Relieved to see them both smiling.

“ We should get going...” Sam said to both you and Dean after finding his keys.

“ Yeah...” Dean agreed with a smile. And went on to inform you that Cas called for the second time that day to inform you that everything was fine. You wished them to have a good time and Dean opened the door and walked outside. Sam leaned and pressed his lips on yours in a brief but loving kiss. He pulled back with a smile and walked out to. Moments later you heard the car leave. A few minutes later you finally got the chance to feel how crushed you were. How the weight of this day and the next one was crushing you. You headed upstairs again and into your room. You sat on the bed and you finally got some time alone. And you lied down with all your thoughts flooding your mind. You had time to think now and all the pain of losing Dean...Sam’s pain...Your baby’s pain...was weighing down on you. You were feeling that sharp pain spread to your whole chest. And you allowed yourself to feel that pain. And you didn’t even notice how fast a couple of hours passed. You heard the front door open and a few minutes later Sam walked in.

“ Hey...” He greeted you in a low gruff voice and he sat on the bed next to you.

“ Dean?” You asked.

“ Passed out on the couch...” He told you with a small chuckle. And you chuckled too.

“ Did you have a good time?” You asked in a calm voice.

“ Yeah...” He admitted in a warm voice that was full of pain. And then there was silence. The only thing you could hear where your breaths. And your eyes hurt as you couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. And neither could Sam. A moment later you felt his arms wrapping around you and pushing you against his chest. You responded instantly wrapping your arms around his torso. He needed to hold you as much as you needed to hold him. You needed to comfort each other and get comforted by each other. You could hear Sam sniff every now and then and you had made a wet spot on his shirt. You didn’t speak. There was nothing to say. You both knew why you were in pain. And nothing could make that pain go away. So you allowed yourselves to feel it. You allowed yourselves to grieve...And you held each other physically and emotionally till the early morning hours when you drifted off exhausted...

The next morning you got up thinking of putting everything aside. Focusing on having a good time with Dean. And so did he. All the things you didn’t get to do the previous morning you tried to do that morning. Your baby was also on board on all this. You were surprised to see how clear it was in his head to cherish the moments he had with his uncle. And so that morning after you had breakfast you all went to the park for a walk which resulted in a great time for all of you. A lot of joking and a lot of laughing. After you returned home Jody joined you. And you spend the rest of the day playing board games. At least until Charlie started crying again as her gums once again ached. And now you and Sam had to take turns rocking her. She was much calmer at lunch. Which you all spend together still in a great mood. After lunch the atmosphere started to ge heavy again. As the night was approaching and you all knew the time for Dean to go was also near. And by nightfall the atmoshphere was almost ubearable. And it felt like no time had passed between lunch and the time to say the final goodbye. Dean asked if he could put Dean to sleep that night and you and Sam didn’t object. You and Sam spend your time mostly in silence. You only agreed with Jody she’d stay with your kids so you and Sam could go to the meeting point with Dean. When the time was growing close you went upstairs to check on Dean and you found him closing the door of your baby’s room silently.

“ He is sleeping...” He informed you with a gentle smile. You nodded and smiled back to him as your eyes started to hurt. You heart was beating slowly and painfully. Dean came close to you this time with a serious expression on his face. You looked down and you felt the tears leave your eyes and you stopped trying to control them because you knew you couldn’t.

“ Someone once said...” You began with a trembling voice and raised your head to look straight into his eyes. “ Love is eternal...The aspect of it may change but not the essence...” You said in a warm voice.

“ Bobby?” Dean asked with a chuckle.

“ Van gogh...” You replied with a chuckle too. Dean chuckled again as if what he said was a near miss. And then you smiled at him widely between tears. A smile that revealed all your pain and love. “ It’s a fancy way of telling you...” You continued in a trembling voice. “ That I love you...And I always will...” You said feeling the warm tears cross your face.

“ I know...” Dean said with a gruff voice that trembled slightly. He wanted to give you the reassurance that he knew you loved him. He moved closer and pulled you in a for a hug. You hugged him back tightly.

“ I love you too...” He said in a low and gruff voice. And you couldn’t speak as your throat had closed and you couldn’t see because your eyes were blurry. You pulled back with a smile and you saw Dean smiling back too. His eyes wet.

“ Thank you...” He said in a gruff and full of emotion voice. “ For everything...” He took a deep breath under your blurry eyes and contniued. “ for back then...And now...” He said and a tear left his eye. And you felt a tear leaving your eye too. He was thanking you for everything that you lived together...for all the times you were there for him...For all the good and bad times you had...Not just eight years ago...But also those last few months. You took a deep shaking breath.

“ Thank **you**...” You replied in a voice that broke and hugged him once more. A very tight and emotional hug. You stayed like that for a few precious moments and then you pulled back. And you headed with a heavy heart down the stairs that got even heavier when Sam looked at Dean.

“ It’s time...” He informed his brother with a gruff and full of pain voice. Dean nodded. You went down the stairs and stood next to Sam. You reached for his hand and run your fingers through his. He squeezed your hand tightly and you squeezed his tightly back. Holding each other up. Dean went down the stairs too and hugged a crying Jody tightly. And after that he walked outside towards the car. You and Sam followed. You let him drive because he wanted to drive Baby one last time. Jody waited until you were far away to get back in and close the door behind her. You were silent on the road and the silence was heavier the closer you got. When you arrived Dean got out of the car. Then Sam and then you. Still in silence. Moments later at exactly midnight the angels appeared out of nowhere along with Cas. The head angel smiled approvingly at Dean. He nodded expressionless and turned to you and Sam. It was time for your final goodbyes. With the piercing pain in your chest you walked close to Dean and he smiled to you gently. There were a thousand things you could say. Take care...Be happy...I’ll miss you... But there was no point in saying any of them because you already knew. So you just hugged. And your eyes got blurry again as the pain was raging inside you.

“ Goodbye...”Dean said in a gruff voice as he was pulling back with a smile full of emotions.

“ Goodbye...” You said back in the same tone. Your voice low and slightly trembling. With the same smile... You walked back a little to make space for Sam. Dean smiled widely at him and pulled him in for a tight hug and patted his back.

“ You take care of my little brother...” He said to Sam in a gruff voice with the same wide smile. Sam pulled back and nodded as his eyes were getting wet. Dean smiled melancholically again.

“ Goodbye, Sam...” He said to his brother gruffly. Sam nodded again and it looked like he wouldn’t answer but then.

“ See ya...” Sam said in a warm full of emotion voice. His eyes piercing Dean’s. His way of telling his brother that this wasn’t the end. This wasn’t the last time they were seeing each other. And you couldn’t help but think he was right. When was death ever the end in your lives?

“ See ya...” Dean answered with a wider smile and a gruffer voice. Understanding exactly what his brother was saying. And admitting that he believed in it too. He then turned around and walked towards the angel where he met an emotionally crushed Cas. He stood in front of him and looked at the head angel with a serious expression. She hesitated but then with a tilt of her head the angels holding Cas let him go. But at the same time the angels discreetly (as they probably thought) surrounded them. Cas just hugged Dean tightly for a few moments. Having no words to describe his pain.“ Goodbye, Cas...” Dean said with the same melancholic smile in his face. Cas pulled back and looked at Dean without smiling.

“ Goodbye,my friend...” He said in a gruff voice that reflected all his pain and sadness. And before they could say anything else ( or before anything could go wrong) the angels and Dean disappeared in the dead of night. Leaving you, Sam and Cas looking around stunned for a few moments. Then you and Sam run close to Cas.

“ Are you alright?” Sam asked.

“ Yes...” Cas reassured you and after both you and Sam gave him a hug there was silence. Heavier that ever before. Crushing you as you were walking towards the car. You all got in silent. You drove home silent. And the pain was hitting you harder and harder the more time passed. When you arrived home you found Jody waiting for you in the kitchen. A look at your faces was enough to understand. Sam collapsed on the couch burrying his head in his palms. Moments later you collapsed on the couch next to him. As Jody was standing at the kitchen door. And Cas was looking out the window. All of you grieving...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter on February 15 or 25...


	61. Chapter 61

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dealing with the loss...

There was this heavy atmosphere in the room as you were all lost in your thoughts. All of you quiet... Cas was staring expressionless at the street outside. His face drenched in the moonlight. Jody was looking at the whole room. Her expression hard and filled with sadness. Sam next to you had rested his elbows on his knees and was looking in front of him. And you could understand that he wasn’t seeing anything. His face was expressionless too. His eyes weren’t wet or even red. You were sitting next to him feeling this painfull burden inside every now and then staring at the others. And that’s how time went by... It felt like ages. Like the night would never end. But only a couple of hours had passed when Jody announced in a deep voice that she should be going. You told her that she could stay on the couch if she wanted but she refused. She probably wanted some time alone. And maybe you all did as the realisation of Dean’s death started to sink in. Sam closed the door behind her and joined you again on the couch. And there was more silence. More of all of you just staring without seeing.

“ What about the body...?” Sam asked breaking the silence. “ There should be a funeral...” His voice was gruff. You turned to look at him. He seemed tired but genuinely concerned as the question must have crossed his mind just now. You looked at him surprised. It hasn’t crossed your mind either up until that moment. But Cas turned to look at both of you for the first time.

“ There will be no funeral...” He answered calmly. His eyes looking at yours and Sam’s. “ His body will be gone... **is** gone...” He said with a correction that made both you and Sam feel like somebody punched you. “ They wouldn’t leave behind something that could be used to bring him back...” He explained “ They are eliminating the possibilities...” You were looking at Cas surprised but Sam nodded after a few moments. And the heavy silence would consume you again but Sam got up.

“ I’m gonna get some sleep...” He announced in a cold slightly gruff voice. He offered a small but cold smile to both you and Cas and headed upstairs. You knew that he wouldn’t sleep at all that night and neither would you. But you weren’t sure if he wanted to be alone or he would indeed try to sleep in vain. You decided not to go upstairs just yet. Give Sam his time alone and also talk to Cas who was looking out the window again. You got up too and moved close to him. When you were close enough he turned to look at you. He was smiling gently but he couldn’t hide the pain he was feeling. Neither could you but you smiled gently to him too.

“ How are the kids?” Cas asked you with the same smile. His voice gruff and warm.

“ They’re good...” You said with a small smile and then your smile slowly disappeared. “ I’m not sure how Dean will handle losing his uncle...” You said concerned. Cas nodding in understanding.

“ It will be difficult for him too...” Cas responded in the same gruff voice without looking at you. “ What did you tell him ?” He asked when he turned to face you again and you proceeded to explain. When you were finished Cas nodded with a small smile. And then he turned to the window again. And you looked out the window again. You were feeling heavy just like the silence that surrounded you again. After a while Cas turned to you again with the same gentle smile on his face. “ I think you should try to get some sleep...” He told you and you smiled back knowing that you wouldn’t. But you nodded and gently hugged Cas.

“ Goodnight, Cas...” You said in a warm voice.

“ Goodnight...” He responded with a smile as you were pulling back. You reminded him to call you if he needed anything and you went up the stairs. Every heartbeat was spreading more pain through your chest. You opened the door to your room gently and saw Sam’s silhouette lying on the bed. He looked at you as you walked in. You moved closer and climbed on the bed. You moved to hug him and he hugged you back. His movements felt casual but you doubted they were. You took a deep troubled breath. These casual movements at this point were an indication of numbness. You felt your stomach tighten realising how much pain Sam was going through. You held him a little tighter. And that’s how time went by. Both of you awake. Your eyes aching but unable to sleep. You felt teardrops leave your eyes but Sam didn’t shed a single tear. He was just staring the whole night without seeing anything. And you were both feeling exhausted when the first light hit your eyes. You didn’t want to stay in bed a minute longer. You got up hesitantly brushing Sam’s arm lovingly. A few moments later he got up too with slow moves tired moves.

“ I’ll make breakfast...” He announced in a cold voice and leaned to kiss your head briefly. He pulled back and walked out of the room. You were looking at him. This time worried. He was numb and It reminded you too much of yourself the last time Dean died. You remembered how numb you felt after accepting Dean’s death... Empty... You wanted to cry but you didn’t have the strength to do so. You weren’t angry and sometimes you couldn’t even say you were sad... Just empty... And the way Sam was acting looked a lot like that to you. You didn’t want him to go through this too. You exhaled deeply...You were really worried for him. You got dressed and joined him in the kitchen. You greeted Cas who was sitting on the couch. He smiled back to you and you walked in the kitchen. You found Sam already making brekfast. The same robotic moves and the same blank expression. You moved close to him and brushed his back soothingly. He turned to you with a fading smile which was also robotic.

“ I think we should wake up Dean...” You said meaning for Dean to go to school. You knew it wouldn’t be easy for him to cope with his grief. But keeping his routine would help him and you regain a sense of normality.

“ Yeah...” Sam agreed without a second thought. It wasn’t a good idea for Dean to stay home. The atmosphere was really heavy and no matter how much you and Sam and Cas would try to be more positive around him you couldn’t change the heavy atmosphere or pretend it was not there. Dean just like the rest of you needed to grieve but he also needed some time to escape it. And so did you.

“ I’am thinking of going to work today... If that’s ok with you...” You said to him. And you were mostly asking. You needed to go to work that day. You needed to take your mind off the pain and you believed you’d find some relief in working. But you wanted to make sure he was ok with you leaving. If he needed you to stay you’d stay without a second thought.

“ Ok...” He replied to you casually again. “ I’ll stay home with Charlie and Cas...” He added as he was sitting on a chair with a cup of coffee on his hand.

“ Alright...” You said and kissed his lips briefly and you saw a small smile form on his lips. Genuine but still somewhat cold and tired. You smiled back and went to wake up Dean. You walked in his room and kneeled next to his bed. You were feeling nervous. You weren’t sure how he’d react when he’d wake up to find his uncle wasn’t there anymore. Realising and Knowing are two different things...

“ Dean...” You said in a calm voice brushing his hair. He murmured something in his sleep. “ Dean...” You repeated a little louder and you saw his eyes opening slowly.

“ Mom...” He wispered still not quite awake.

“ Come on, Baby...” You said to him and planted a small kiss on his head. He slowly started getting up. His eyes still half closed.

“ Uncle Dean?” He asked you brushing his eyes. You took a deep breath and brushed his hair soothingly.

“ He went back to heaven...” You answered in a warm but low voice. He nodded slightly. Then he gave you a kiss to wish you goodmorning and you helped him to the bathroom to wash his face and now that he was more awake you returned to his room. “ You have to get ready for school...” You told him with a smile as you were getting two t-shirts out of his drawer.

“ I don’t want to go...” Dean said and sat on the bed again. You turned to look at him. He seemed grumpy. You weren’t surprised that he didn’t want to go to school. You expected that reaction to Dean’s death. And you knew that was his way of expressing his grief.

“ You have to, Baby...” You said in a soothing voice. “ Come on...Tell me which T-shirt you prefer...” You started saying again with a smile but he interrupted you before you could finish your sentence.

“I don’t **want** to go!” He repeated in a louder voice.

“ Dean...Come on...You’re gonna see your friends...You’re gonna have fun...” You said with a smile. Dean just looked at you angrily. “ Dad is making breakfast and he’s waiting for us...” You said with a smile. And then you added. “ And I need to get ready to go to work too...” You explained thinking that if you’d tell him you were going to work it would make going to school easier for him. He looked at you for a few moments trying to decide and then he got up still grumpy and grabbed one of his t-shirts. You helped him get dressed and then you both went down the stairs. Dean spotted Cas from the kitchen door and immediately his face brightened up with a huge smile.

“ Uncle Cas!” He yelled excited and run to hug Cas. He hugged him back delighted to see him too.

“ Hello,Dean!” Cas replied gruffly with a smile on his face. Dean pulled back still smiling and rushed to Sam who had turned around to look at him.

“ Goodmorning,Dad...” He said still smiling and hugged Sam.

“ Goodmorning,Buddy...” Sam answered with a tired but genuine smile and leaned to kiss Dean’s hair. Dean pulled back and climbed at his seat obviously in a better mood. “Here’s your apple juice...” Sam said to Dean with another smile as he was leaving the full glass next to your baby.

“ Thanks, Dad...” He said and turned to Cas again who was still smiling. “ When did you get here, uncle Cas?”

“ Ah...Last night...” Cas answered hesitating for a moment. And then you felt your heart drop as Dean’s face darkened.

“ You came to say goodbye to uncle Dean?” He asked. You and Sam instantly shared a look and Cas looked at both of you for any sign on how to handle this. You and Sam knew that there was no point in saying that that wasn’t the case. It wouldn’t make things easier for Dean or for you. And you also didn’t want Dean to feel that he couldn’t talk about his pain. So Sam turned to Cas and with one look Cas understood.

“ Yeah...” He turned to Dean with a melancholic smile. Dean nodded and turned to him again.

“ Will you stay?” He asked.

“ Yeah...” Cas answered again with a bigger smile. And Dean smiled back. Sam approached you and handed you a cup of coffee. You thanked him and after taking a sip you left it on the table to get dressed and finish it later. By the time you went back to the kitchen Dean was just finished with his breakfast and headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth. You joined Sam and Cas on the table. Non of you was talking. There was still the same heavy silence connecting you all. Up until the moment the bell rang and Dean had to go. Sam raised his voice and called for Dean as he got up to clean the table and you went to the bottom of the stairs to wait for him as he was coming down.

“ I don’t want to go...” He told you again in a whiny tone when he got to you. You exhaled deeply unsure of what to do. In the end you kneeled in front of him so you had the same height. You brushed his hair lovingly.

“ I know...” You said with an understanding smile. “ But trust me you’re going to have a good time...” Dean was ready to object but you contniued before he could. “ Me and Dad and Uncle Cas will be here when you come back...” You reassured him. Dean contemplated that for a moment and then he looked straight in your eyes.

“ You promise?” He asked. You smiled to him lovingly.

“ I promise...” You replied.

“ Ok...” He said to as you leaned to kiss his forehead. Then you got up and walked to the door to open it as Dean went back in the kitchen to say goodbye to his Dad and Cas. You took advantage of those few moments and explained to his teacher that Dean had just lost one of his uncles so she’d be prepared. You weren’t worried about Dean talking about heaven and angels cause you knew everyone would take it as his way of coping with the loss. Dean walked outside accompanied by Sam. He greeted his teacher and they both walked to the bus. You saw Dean sitting close to the window and waving at you. Both you and Sam stayed until the bus left and Dean couldn’t see you anymore. Then you walked in and closed the door behind you.

“ I have to go too...” You said with a small smile to Sam. He nodded in agreement. You looked at him and then moved closer to him wrapping your arms around his neck and burried your head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around your back. You stayed like that for a few moments and then you pulled back brushing his neck. He closed his eyes to the sensation. “ If you don’t want me to go I won’t...” You said in a low loving voice.

“ It’s fine...” He replied with a tired smile as he opened his eyes.

“ If you want me to come back any time...” You started to continue but he interrupted you.

“ I know...” He said and pressed his lips on your forehead. “ I’ll call...” He added as he was pulling back.

“ Alright...”You said with a gentle smile. “ I love you...” You said in a comforting tone.

“ I love you too...” He said and leaned to press his lips on yours and slowly moved them against yours in a small kiss before pulling back. You smiled to him and after saying goodbye to Cas you took your stuff and left for work. When you arrived Mrs Feegs greeted you and asked you how Charlie was bringing back to your memory saying that Charlie was unwell to justify not going to work.

“ It’s been a rough couple of days...” You concluded not really in the mood to talk.

“ I can see that...” She told you with eyes full of compasion and you wondered how tired and pale you looked. But you didn’t really mind. You went straight to work. Organising books, helping people out...Anything. And just as you expected work did help to take your mind of that pain in your chest. You didn’t realise how time went by and you had to get back home to be there before Dean. You said goodbye to mrs Feegs and headed back feeling your spirits lifted up until the moment you opened the door. When you walked in the heavy silence crushed you again. There was the sound of Charlie laughing as she was playing with Sam in the living room. He was smiling but in the same cold melancholic way. When you walked in Cas and Jody greeted you as they were sitting on the couch. Jody got up too and helped you put your stuff down and gave you a hug. She was smiling only a little and you smiled back to her more widely. Then you walked inside and greeted Sam with a kiss on his lips and Charlie with a kiss on her head. She giggled and tried to reach you but you brushed her head and assured her that you’d be back in a moment. You went upstairs to leave the book you brought for Dean on his nightstand. You smiled thinking how excited he’d be when he’d find it there. You went back downstairs and this time lifted up Charlie and held her tight as she put her little hands around your neck and got very consumed playing with your hair. Sam informed you that lunch was already ready just as you heard the school bus. Moments later Sam was at the door and when he opened it Dean walked in excited babbling about his day. And that put a smile on your face as he walked to sit next to you and you also saw Sam smiling tiredy when he closed the door and turned around to face your baby. You all went back in the kitchen for lunch. Dean talking excited about his day and Charlie giggling and smiling made the atmoshpere a lot lighter. Jody and Cas were also smiling and were in a better mood. Sam was also more talkative asking Dean about his day. But non of you ate more than a few bites. When you were done Dean asked to watch tv while Charlie was playing with you. Sam started cleaning up while Jody was helping him and Cas joined Dean on the couch. After Sam and Jody were done with cleaning Jody announced you in a deep low voice that she should be heading home. You and Sam didn’t object but you did feel the burden and pain inside you return. Jody hugged you and asked you to call if you needed anything and then she hugged Sam patting his back in a comforting way. She then said goodnye to Dean and Cas. She gave Dean a big hug and smiling towards you and Sam she left for home. You and Sam joined Cas and Dean in the living room. Dean was playing with his toys now. You sat next to Cas holding Charlie and Sam sat next to you. You weren’t talking much as the darkness outside was shedding light in Dean’s absence. And the atmopshere was getting heavier and heavier again as time went by. Dean stopped playing and came to sit next to you and Sam just as Charlie was reaching for Sam’s hair. He chuckled tiredly and you carefully passed her to him. Dean eventually got very tired and rested his head on your lap. You and Sam shared a look knowing it was time he went to bed. Dean hugged Cas and then Sam as much as he could without bothering Charlie and then he waited for you to give Charlie a kiss and then you both went to his room. When he saw the book on his nightstand he got very excited and climbed on his bed fast waiting for you to read it. He was unusually active and he gave you the impression he couldn’t sleep. He was still awake when you heard Sam take Charlie to her room. Eventually he did fall asleep and you carefully covered him. You brushed his hair and gave him a kiss and then headed outside closing the door behind you carefully. When you went back downstairs Cas informed you that Sam had gone to bed. You stayed with him a few minutes and then you said goodnight too and headed to your room. When you walked in you found Sam on the bed working on his laptop.

“ What are you doing?” You asked in a gentle voice as you started changing.

“ Working on the license plate Dean got...” He asnwered looking at you briefly. His voice was low and got gruff when he said Dean’s name. Your heart left a painful beat. “Trying to find the shifters...” He added in the same tone. You had almost forgotten about the shifters. You nodded in response and moved to climb on the bed. “I can go to the living room if it bothers you...” He said as you were getting under the covers next to him talking about the light emitted from the screen.

“ No...It’s ok...” You said with a small smile. He nodded and returned to the screen. You lied on your side facing him. With slow and gentle moves you run your hand under his and rested it on his belly. Brushing in a comforting way. Sam took one hand off the keyboard and run it on yours. He held it brushing with his thumb gently and absentmindedly,typing only with his other hand. Moments later you were falling asleep exhausted. You woke up a few hours later only for a few moments as you were still very tired. Sam was still awake and still working on his laptop. When he noticed your eyes opening slightly he brushed your hand that he was also still holding and you drifted off again. You woke up again in the morning. You could still feel Sam’s hand on yours but it wasn’t moving. You opened your eyes and saw him sleeping. His head had fallen on the side and his hair was hiding his eyes slightly and his other hand was still on the keyboard. You looked at him and brushed his hand gently. You decided it was best to let him sleep and you were already thinking of how to take his laptop away and cover him without waking him up. But when you tried to remove your hand slowly he woke up with a deep breath. For a moment he was a little disoriented. You moved closer to him and kissed his forehead.

“ You sleep...I’ll wake up Dean...” You said to him in a low voice. But he was already brushing his eyes.

“ No...I’ll make breakfast...” He said and put his laptop aside. You tried to say something but he was already up and heading down the stairs. You looked at him worried as he was leaving... You got up too and got dressed and then headed to Dean’s room. That day was a struggle to get him to get dressed for school. Once again he didn’t want to go and once again he felt a little better about it when you said you’d go to work too. After he was finally dressed you both went downstairs. You found Cas next to Sam smiling proudly at the sandwich he just prepared and handed the plate to Dean greeting him.Dean greeted him back and then he greeted Sam who turned around to hand him the glass of apple juice and then moved close to you to hand you a cup of coffee. He smiled to you tiredly. His eyes were red. You doubted he got to sleep more than two hours. You started contemplating whether you should go to work or not. You promised Dean you would but you weren’t sure Sam would be alright. You drunk a sip of your coffee and rested your head on his chest. He wrapped one arm around you and kissed the top of your head. On the other hand maybe you wanted to stay with him and you were looking for excuses. But you had taken so many days off work lately you really couldn’t ask for more.

“ (Y/N), Can you take this to Sia on your way to work?” Sam asked you helping you choose and he handed you a piece of paper... “They ditched the SUV and now their using one of these cars...” He explained as you unfolded the paper to reveal a combined photo of two vehicles. One white and one black with no clear licence plates. “ Maybe she recognises one of them...” He cocluded.

“ Yeah...I’ll go...” You said folding the paper again and putting it in your pocket just as Dean finshed with his breakfast and headed to the bathroom. Moments later the school bus was there and you both said goodbye to Dean who grumpily walked with his teacher to the bus. Again you waited to see him leave before you walked back in. You said goodbye to Sam with a kiss and then a tight hug. You relactuntly pulled back to leave. You headed to work and got your mind busy again with everything that needed to be done and that was some relief from the pain you were feeling. But you were feeling more like going home that day and it was a relief too when you headed back. You only got to greet Sam and Cas and then give a kiss to Charlie before you heard the school bus and Dean was back again. Excited just like yesterday. He greeted you all with tight hugs and then headed straight to the kitchen for lunch. Sam had already prepared it so you all joined him in the kitchen. Sam passed you Charlie who was babbling and smiling to everyone. And once again the atmosphere was somewhat lighter. You fed up Charlie just as Sam was trying to convince Dean to eat his vegetables which he refused stubbornly. You ate just a little as you had no appetite and you noticed Sam barely touched his food. You felt your heart tighten again. After Dean was done with his food (he ate two carrots so that was good enough for Sam that day) he went to bring his toys to the living room and play dragging Sam to play with him. No matter how tired he was he got up and joined Dean in the living room leaving you and Cas alone in the kitchen. And when he and Dean walked out the fading smile on your face disappeared altogether giving its place to a worried and sad expression. Cas’ small smile had also disappeared as he was looking at Sam and Dean in the living room.

“ How is he?...Sam” He aksed you in a gruff voice. You took a deep breath.

“ In pain...” You answered. “ But I’m worried, Cas...” You said looking straight into his eyes. “ He is not letting it out...It’s like he doesn’t allow himself to feel the pain...He acts like nothing happened...But he **is** in pain...And I’m worried... He should react but he doesn’t....” You concluded with a troubled exhale.

“ You’re right...” Cas replied and you felt something inside you sink even more. You looked at him again worried but he lowered his head looking at his hands. And after a brief moment of silence he raised his head and looked at you looking tired and troubled and in pain. “ I miss him...” He said in a gruff voice and a melancholic smile.

“ I know...” You said in a calm comforting voice. Cas smiled to you a little more. His face changing from a painful and troubled expression to a caring one. But he still couldn’t hide his pain.

“ How are **you**?” He asked in his gruff voice. You were surprised by the question. You felt the sharp pain spread through your chest again. Your throat was closing and you just looked at him as your eyes got wet. You didn’t have to say anything. Cas nodded showing you that he felt the same... You didn’t get to say anything cause Charlie started crying. You blinked a few times to clear your vision and picked her up. “ She is thirsty...” Cas informed you with a smile.

“ Yeah...” You nodded with a smile too and brought Charlie a bottle of water just as Sam walked in.

“ Hey...” He said to you in a gruff voice. You turned to look at him. “What did Sia say about the cars...?” He asked you and your eyes got really wide.

“ Oh no!” You exclaimed. “ I completely forgot about it!” You said apologetically. “ I’ll go now...” You added and looked for your keys.

“ **I** can go if you want...” He said interrupting you.

“ No...I’ll go...” You said with a gentle smile. His eyes were still red and he still looked very tired. You didn’t want to tire him even more. He nodded and you hugged him before heading to the living room. You kissed Dean’s head and reassured him you’d be back in a few minutes. You left and went to the sheriff’s. When you got there things weren’t as easy as you expected. The sheriff’s wife was back and the sheriff got you in the house wispering in your ear to pretend that Sia was his distant niece that had a car accident. You nodded and the sheriff’s wife was delighted to see keeping you busy with all shorts of questions about the kids and Sam.Eventually you did get to ask Sia about the cars but she couldn’t think of something at the moment. You decided to let her keep the photo in case she remembered something and got ready to leave. But the sheriff’s wife wouldn’t let you and by now you knew you’d be late so you texted Sam so he wouldn’t worry.

**Sam’s point of view**

“ _Sia doesn’t recognise the cars. The sheriff’s wife is back so I’ll be a little late. I love you..._ ” I read (Y/N)’s text. _“Ok. I love you too...”_ I texted back and put my phone back in my pocket and focused again on Charlie whom I was holding. She had rested her little head on my shoulder and she was already getting sleepy. Her eyelids were heavy and she was babbling tiredly. Dean was in front of me playing on the floor. I was glad (Y/N) texted. She had been gone for more than an hour I had already started to worry. Cas was very calm sitting next to Dean as he was explaining his game to him. Eventually Charlie fell asleep and I got up to take her to her crib. I opened the door to her room and put her down. I sat next to here for a few minutes. It was a relief being alone. But at the same time I couldn’t stand it for more than a few minutes. The silence was crushing me. And I couldn’t let Dean see me crushed. He was in pain too and I knew I should be there for him. (Y/N) was also in pain and I didn’t want to make it harder for her to deal with it. Cas was also in pain and trying to deal with the loss. I brushed Charlie’s tiny hand. And I just couldn’t feel that pain. I knew it was there. I knew I should be feeling it. But I But I was feeling a huge burden inside that made me feel heavy. That made my muscles sore.A burden that I was struggling to carry. I was feeling drained. Exhausted... And I’ve been through this...losing Dean...so many times in the past. And each time was different. But nothing ever changed. Not really. Dean was gone before, Dean is gone again. But it felt different... Something happened. He came back and he is gone again. But nothing happened. He came back and he is gone again. I take a deep tired breath and I walk outside looking at Charlie once more before closing the door behind me. I went back downstairs. Dean was still playing on the floor and Cas was still listening to him. He turned to look at me when I sat on the couch. I smiled a little. But it was a cold robotic smile. And Cas got up.

“ I’m gonna take out the trash...” He announced me with a smile. I looked at him a little surprised. Apparently he wanted to help...I agreed with a nod. He went in the kitchen he grabbed the bag and walked out the door smiling. I rested my elbows on my knees and brushed my face. My eyes hurt. Dean turned to look at me with a smile. I smiled back to him. A tired but much more genuine smile. He returned to his toys briefly and then he looked at me again without smiling. He got up. He climbed on the couch next to me and I assumed he got tired although it was still relatively early. But he looked at me with a serious expression on his face.

“ Dad...Do you miss your brother?” He asked looking straight into my eyes. I felt everything inside me sink. I felt tired and exhausted. Like I had no strength. I felt the burden inside me get heavier. And although I was trying I couldn’t hide the pain.

“ Yes...I do...” I admitted with a gruff voice. And I felt everything inside me sink even more if that was possible. And it was the first time since Dean died that I let myself to even think that I missed him. I swallowed hard no matter how much I was trying to avoid it.

“ Me too...” Dean said with a voice that almost broke. And I felt like something broke inside me. And before I could say anything he moved close to me and hugged me. And I wrapped my arms around him protectively. And he wasn’t hugging me to comfort him. He was hugging me to comfort me. I closed my eyes and I felt the pain start from the center of my chest. And slowly spreading to the whole of it. Intensifying. So much I almost couldn’t bear it. I wasn’t feeling tired anymore or exhausted. Everything that sunk a minute ago was now back painfull.

“ It will be alright...” I reassured him brushing his head to comfort him. And I held him for a while. Desperate to take his pain away when I could barely handle mine as it was raging inside me. Wrecking me. But I was still holding him brushing his back soothingly. Protectively... Eventually he pulled back with his eyes slightly wet and he smiled to me. Apparently feeling better. I smiled back to him genuinely. A smile full of emotion. Full of love and pain... Just as the door opened and Cas walked in again. Dean turned to look at him and then he turned back to me. He gave me another brief but loving hug and he returned to his toys. I looked at him smiling but the pain I was feeling inside was getting stronger by the minute. I could feel my heartbeat slow and strong. And I could barely stand it.

“ Cas do you mind staying with Dean for a while?...I need to get some sleep...” I lied.

“ No problem...” Cas said to me in his gruff voice with a small smile.

“ Goodnight,Dad...” Dean said to me with a smile.

“ Goodnight,Buddy...” I said to him leaning to kiss his head lovingly. Then I turned around and headed upstairs. I got to the door of our room. I opened it. I walked in. And I collapsed on the bed. I could feel the strong pain get even more intense. My eyes hurt and before I knew it tears were running down my cheeks. I wasn’t holding back. I couldn’t hold it back. My brother was gone again. I love him...and I miss him! I just let all the emotions pour out of me. Violently...And then I heard the door open. I wasn’t sure if there was any point hiding my tears. (Y/N) opened the door and I looked at her. She took one look at me. And I saw all the love and the pain in her eyes. And I felt relieved she was there. I looked at her telling her with no words how much I needed her there. She closed the door behind her. She moved close to me slowly and sat next to me. She then wrapped her arms around me and pulled me in her arms. She gently pressed my head on my soulder and brushed my hair holding me tight. She didn’t say a thing. She didn’t have to say a thing. And there was this warmth spreading through my whole body along with the pain. The pain was still as strong but it was much gentler now. And everything was still pouring out of me. And soon I felt her crying too in my arms. I felt her light sobbing. Her warm tears on my shirt. And I held her too. I held her tight. To feel safe in my arms as I was feeling safe in hers. I could feel her small kisses on my neck as I was kissing her head. Full of love and pain...And at peace...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on March 11... :-)


	62. Chapter 62

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay...

That night after both you and Sam calmed down and were feeling better when Sam rested his head on the pillow he fell asleep immediately. You knew he was exhausted but you were also relieved to see he drifted off so fast. You smiled as you were looking at him breathing deeply. You brushed his hair gently and leaned to plant a kiss on his head. You pulled back and got up with one last glance at him and then you walked out. You put Dean to bed and read to him which took you more than you expected. He was restless that night. After he finally fell asleep you went to Charlie’s room to check on her. When you made sure she was sleeping peacefully you headed back to your room after taking a few minutes to say goodnight to Cas. You lied on the bed next to Sam and took his hand in yours brushing it gently. Every now and then you were looking at him. Now that he was sleeping and he was calm your pain had suddenly emerged. Filling you up inside. Making your eyes wet. And you knew this would get better for both of you. For Cas and for Dean. But you also knew that it would take time. You made yourself comfortable on the bed and moved closer to Sam carefull not to wake him up. And then you put his hand around you and closed your eyes. You felt him bringing you closer and you felt relief and comfort as you started falling asleep. You were woken up again by a knock on the door. You had just opened your eyes when you heard the door open.

“ Mom...Dad...” Dean called you. His voice a little louder than a wisper. Sam blinked a few times waking up too and you both looked at Dean.

“ What’s wrong,Buddy?” Sam asked in a calm voice but you knew he was worried just like you.

“ I can’t sleep...Can I sleep with you?” Dean asked looking at both you and Sam.

“ Yeah...” You answered with an encouraging smile. Dean smiled to both you and Sam tiredly and moved close to you. He climbed on the bed and lied down between you and Sam. You brushed his hair gently as both you and Sam were lying down next to him. He closed his eyes with a small content smile. Sam smiled to Dean a little and then looked at you. He was thinking exactly what you were. Even if Dean couldn’t realise it you knew this was because he was trying to deal with losing his uncle. Although you both knew Sam was looking at you concerned. But you reassured him with a smile that it would be alright. He looked at you hoping you were right and he lied comfortably again. He kissed Dean’s head and put an arm around him protectively. You lied down too and put one arm around Dean as well. Dean fell asleep almost immediately reminding you a lot of his dad putting a smile on your face. You saw a small relieved smile form on Sam’s face too. You started drifting off again too and you felt Sam’s thumb reaching for your hand brushing your fingers gently. You smiled and moved yours under his thumb in response before you all fell asleep.

In the morning you were woken up by Sam who was already awake. He brushed your arm gently and with a slightly raised but warm voice he was trying to wake you up. You opened your eyes with a yawn. Sam smiled to you lightly and when you smiled back he turned to Dean. Dean murmured something along the lines of “five more minutes” in his sleep and when he finally opened his eyes and realised why you were trying to wake him up he dragged the covers over his head.

“ I don’t want to go to school...” He murmured.

“ Dean...come on...” You said in a soothing voice brushing his hands over the covers.

“ No...” He whined still burried under the covers. You and Sam looked at each other unusre what to say and you both exhaled deeply.

“ It’s Friday...” Sam said finally in an encouraging tone looking at Dean. “ It’s one more day and then the weekend...” He continued looking at you uncertain if this would work. For a few moments Dean didn’t answer. But everntually...

“ Fine...” He murmured under the covers and he emerged again. You and Sam smiled to him and to each other satisfied and slowly you all got up. Sam headed to the kitchen to make breakfast and afterwards he woke up Charlie to feed her while you helped Dean to get dressed. Once he was ready you let him got to the kitchen and eat his breakfast while you got dressed too and joined them later. You greeted Cas and Sam who was smiling a lot more now and you took Charlie in your arms who was babbling and playing with your hair. Dean was also smiling a lot. The atmosphere was a lot lighter that day. After you all ate the bus arrived for Dean. He gave you and Sam and Cas a huge hug. He waved to Charlie and left for school. After he was gone you said goodbye to Cas, Charlie and Sam too and you left for work. When you returned home you found Dean had just returned. He run excited to you to hug you and after you greeted Sam and Cas and took Charlie in your arms you all headed for lunch. You fed up Charlie while eating too and Sam was trying to convince Dean to eat his vagetables. And once again Dean was refusing no matter how much Sam was trying. Sam gave you a tired look asking for help as Dean had his mouth completely closed and he was shaking his head negatively.

“ Look at that...” You said with a chuckle towards Sam. “ He took your stubborness too besides your eyes and hair...” Sam tried to give you a blank offended look but he couldn’t hold back a smile. Dean on the other hand was giggling and when Sam turned to him again with the spoon he frowned. But he did open his mouth reluctantly and ate his carrots (he prefered carrots to the other vegetables). And it was easier for Sam to convince him to eat the rest. After Dean finished with his food Sam satisfied with himself got up to clean the table while Dean and Cas moved to the living room. Dean watched tv and Cas was keeping him company.

“ For the record...” Sam turned to look at you. “ He took the hate for vegetables from you...” He said with a look of fake superiority that made you laugh and you got up to help as Charlie was done with her food too and was now consumed playing with her foot. After you had just finished cleaning the table you heard the doorbell ring. You shared a confused and curious look and Sam went to open the door as you were washing the last dish. You walked out of the kitchen just in time to see Sia come in. She greeted you all and then her eyes turned to Dean who was looking at her with wide eyes trying to understand if he knew her ( her injuries were much better now and Dean didn’t notice).

“ Hi...” She said to him with a hesitant smile.

“ Hi...” He said back to her with a big but a little shy smile. Cas turned to Dean.

“ Dean, do you want us to go play in your room?” He asked.

“ Ok...” Dean agreed and got up and with a small smile towards you. He went up the stairs followed by Cas.

“ Is everything alright?” You asked when you heard the door to Dean’s room close.

“ Yeah...” She reassured you with a smile and you stepped aside so she could head to the couch. You and Sam let her go first and you shared a concerned look.

“ Did you recognise any of the cars?” Sam asked her once she sat down.

“ No...” She said brushing off with her hand the air and the question. “But I thought I’d give you the address to where they stayed when they were working with my mother...They only moved to that building to be closer to you for their new plan...so I figured maybe they went back to where thay stayed before...” She explained. “ I would have called but that woman is a little too curious...” She said with a chuckle and you knew she was reffering to the sheriff’s wife. You chuckled lightly too and she went ahead to give you the information. You thanked her and she left also telling you that she’d be going back to her daughter the next day. So you said goodbye to her and thanked her for everything. After she was gone Sam started doing some research while you took Charlie in your arms as she was getting restless and sat next to him to help. Eventually you both spend time with your kids and you didn’t get the time to finish your research. At least until late at night after Sam put Dean to bed and you put Charlie to bed. You were in the kitchen making something to eat when Sam walked in from the living room where he was researching the cars again with Cas’ help.

“ One of the cars we were suspected headed exactly where Sia said...” He announced to you. “ The last sighting was by a traffic cam a few blocks from the address...” He explained. “ It must be them...”

“ Yeah...” You nodded in agreement and you took a moment to think about it. “ It’s almost eight hours from here...” You said finally. “ We’ll be gone the whole weekend...” You added serious.

“ Yeah...” Sam confirmed in the same tone.

“ Don’t worry about Dean and Charlie...” Cas said with a small smile emerging behind Sam and he turned around so he could face him. “ I’ll take care of them...” He told you both with a reassuring smile.

“ Thanks, Cas...” Sam said with a small smile and you smiled to Cas too. But your mind was trying to think how would you tell Dean. With a deep troubled breath you went to bed followed by Sam. The next morning you woke up Dean very early to tell him you’d have to go. You didn’t want him to wake up and not find you there.

“ Why?!” He whined when you told him.

“ Work...” You said apologetically. He looked at you disappointed.

“ When will you be back?” He asked again in a sad tone and you were feeling like someone stabbed you.

“ Sunday night...” Sam answered with a reassuring smile.

“ You promise?” He asked you both.

“ We promise...” You and Sam reassured him and you leaned to kiss the top of his head. He gave you a tight hug and you huged him back tightly too as Sam was getting up.

“ I love you,mom...” He murmured as a goodbye.

“ I love you too,baby...so much!” You said too and kissed his hair. He pulled back with a brief kiss on your cheek and run to his dad. Sam lifted him up and held him tight. He kissed Dean’s head lovingly and brushed his back soothingly.

“ I love you too, Dad...” Dean murmured in his dad’s arms too.

“ I love you too, Buddy...Vey much...” Sam answered and his voice sounded gruff but full of emotion. Dean pulled back with a smile and he insisted on accompanying you to the door. You and Sam took a few more minutes to say goodbye to Charlie whom you didn’t wake up. You just brushed her hair and told her (wispering) that you loved her. Then you went back downstairs and after you said goodbye to Dean you walked outside and headed to the car. You both walked in and Sam started driving. You rested your head on the window and you didn’t say a word for a while. You were feeling this burden inside for leaving that made you take a grim expression.

“ Are you alright?” Sam asked you in a caring voice after an hour on the road. His hand reached for yours. His thumb running soothing circles.

“ Yeah...” You said responding in a deep voice lifting your head from the window. “ I just don’t like leaving Dean and Charlie again so soon...” You explained exhaling deeply.

“ Do you think we should have called someone else...?” He asked you and you turned to look at him to see he was genuinely concerned. Genuinely wondering.

“ No...” You said without a second thought. “ We’re doing this to protect our children... They are **our** children and **we** are going to protect them...” You said in a firm tone.

“ I know...” Sam answered in the same tone that also hid determination. But he still sounded concerned. You looked at him concerned too and he spoke again. “ But after we’re done with the shifters somehing else is going to come...We’re gonna have someone esle to fight... Are we even out of the life? Maybe another witch will show up...Maybe more shifters...Even Dean might be back again...” At this point his voice was higher and you were watching as his eyes were turning slightly red and somewhat wet. “And I know...He’s dead” He continued. “ But he’s been dead for eight years and he came back...” He said and you felt alarmed as he was getting upset.

“ Can you stop the car? I need fresh air...” You said instead of another answer. You wanted him to get some time to talk to him. And to give him some time to calm down.

“ Yeah...” He answered and you heard satisfied that his tone had returned to normal. A few moments later he stopped the car and you walked out for a few moments pretending to get some air. Sam stayed in mostly looking blankly in front of him. But every now and then he would check on you. You didn’t stay out long. Just a couple of minutes and then you walked back in. “ Are you alright?” He asked you when you sat down next to him.

“ Yeah...” You said with a reassuring smile. You slowly reached for his hand that was resting on the seat next to him and you brushed his fingers. He moved his thumb to brush yours and you turned to look at his troubled eyes. “ Sam...We were never out...” You said in a calm and serious voice. “ But we draw a line...We only deal with the things that threaten us...And yes more things are gonna come to threaten us... More things will come our way... More things to fight... And we know that! And we **will** fight to protect our kids and ourselves...” You said speaking in a reassuring tone.

“ I know...” He said. “ I’m just...” He paused unsure how to continue. Searching for the words. “ Worried...” He said finally with a deep exhale.

“ I know...” You said moving closer to him smiling. “ But we’ll always worry...Whether it’s a crazy witch that wants revenge or them falling off their bikes...But there **are** things we can protect them from...And maybe we want be able to prevent them from falling off their bikes but we can definitely protect them from a crazy witch that wants revenge...” You said with a smile. Sam looked at you and smiled back. A calmer but still worried smile.

“ Still worried...” He chuckled lightly.

“Me too...” You admitted with the same smile. He smiled back to you and you both leaned closer for your lips to move against each other’s in a slow loving kiss.

“ We should go...” Sam said when you pulled back. “ The sooner we get there the sooner we’ll go back...” He said with a smile and a deep breath. You got comfortable on your seat and Sam started driving again. You arrived at the town Sia pointed you to in the early afternoon after making a stop to eat something. You found a motel and checked in. You had already decided you would attack them at night and take the hours left to rest. But before that you went for a walk around the house to check what was going on. Careful not to be seen. There was only an old lady watering a small plant that was almost completely withered. Having to do with shifters you assumed that was cover. You also noticed the car Sam had found parked on the driveway. You stayed there for a few minutes and the old lady walked in the house and came back out from somewhere behind. You assumed there was a back entrance to the house which would be very useful to you.You returned back to the motel. The first thing you did was call Cas to find out how Dean and Charlie were doing and also how he was doing with them. You both felt calmer when you heard Dean sounding excited on the phone and Charlie babbling and giggling. Cas sounded a little tired but you were expecting that. He had to take care of both kids on his own. But you reassured him you’d be back tomorrow. You took the remaining hours to rest. After you both took a shower you took your time reading a book while Sam was on his laptop. Eventually he got tired and left it on the nightstand. He sat on the bed and he brushed his eyes tiredly. He looked troubled to you and you suspected why. You closed the book and left it on your nightstand. You moved on the bed to sit next to him.

“ Can I ask you something?” You asked in a calm voice. Sam turned to you puzzled and nodded positively. “ In the car...What did you say about Dean?” You said. You already knew what he said. You heard it. But it was bugging you ever since because you had this feeling he wanted to talk about it. When he heard your question he moved a little uncomfortably on the bed and then in a serious tone he answered.

“ I said that Dean might come back again...” He answered. “He was dead for eight years and he still came back...” He explained. “Maybe he’ll be back again...Or maybe I’m just hoping he will...” He added with a melancholic chuckle. You nodded with a sad expression.

“ I know...”You answered in a deep low voice. “ I think he might come back too...” You explained with pain in your voice. Sam exhaled deeply and looked at you.

“ Or he won’t...” He replied. “ But I think about it...Sometimes I think that maybe he’s not even dead! Maybe something happened with the angels and we just don’t know about it yet...Maybe they let him go...And I know!” He said and his voice trembled a little with emotion. “ I know this makes no sense...But still...I’m expecting it to happen...I want it to happen...” He explained.

“ I know...Sometimes I think about that too...” You admitted in a voice full of pain. “ But you both died and came back so many times we expect it to happen again...It’s natural for us to dwell on that...even though it doesn’t make much sense...” You said to him.

“ I know...I just...” He swalloed hard. “ I miss my brother...” He said in a low voice and his eyes got red and wet. You brushed his arm and rested your head on his shoulder.

“ I miss him too...” You admitted in a voice that broke. Sam turned and rested his head on you briefly and then he spoke again.

“ I thought this time it would be easier...” He said with a broken chuckle.

“ It’s not easier...” You confirmed as your throat was closing and your eyes were getting wet. “ But it will get better...” You concluded and raised your hand to brush his cheek reassuringly. He moved closer to you and hugged you. You hugged him back... You held each other like that for a while. Eventually Sam pulled back with a tired but genuine smile. You smiled back to him lightly. “ We should get some sleep...” You said.

“ Yeah...” Sam agreed with a nod. And you both started moving to lie on the bed when Sam spoke to you again. “ By the way...” He said with a mischievous smile on his face. “ I know you didn’t want fresh air...” He revealed to you looking straight into your eyes. You knew there was no point in denying it. You just looked at him and smiled gently. He smiled back to you lovingly and he leaned to press his lips on yours. You run your hand on his cheek and blended your fingers with his hair as his arms were wrapping around your back. And after moving your lips against each other’s in a loving kiss you both pulled back smiling... Moments later you both lied down and you managed to sleep for a couple of hours. When you woke up it was already dark outside. You got dressed and then you prepared your guns.You also wore the silver bracelet Sam bought you and he wore the bracelet Dean wore so you’d recognise each other if it came to it. When it was still early you also called Cas to wish your kids and him goodnight. Charlie was already sleeping which wasn’t a big surprise for you. Dean was really sleepy but he was eager to talk to mom and Dad before bed. Maybe it was more important to him now than usual as he was still trying to deal with his grief in his own way. Cas sounded calm although a little tired. He informed you that he took both Charlie and Dean to the playground ( And apparently gave in to Dean’s request and spend some time on the swing with Charlie in his arms) and he enjoyed it maybe more than Dean and Charlie. When you hung up you turned your focus on your guns again.

“ We’ll get in from the back door...” Sam informed you as he was putting the gun in his pocket and covered it with his shirt. You nodded in agreement and put your gun in your pocket too. Sam moved to open the door but you stood back for a moment.

“ Do we kill them?” You asked before Sam opened. He turned to look at you confused. Even a little offended if not angered by the question. “ Don’t get me wrong!” You rushed to explain. “ We will kill them...I’m just thinking maybe we should find out if they know something...more...” You said in lack of a better word. “ Sia doesn’t know any other threats for us...But maybe they do...” You explained. Sam thought about it for a moment.

“ Ask questions first and then shoot...?” He asked. You nodded positively. “ Yeah...” He said finally. “ Maybe they do know something we don’t...” He murmured troubled. “ We’ll try to capture them... but if it doesn’t work we don’t let them escape...We kills them...” He looked at you for confirmation and you nodded positively with determination in your eyes. You walked out and walked to the house cause you didn’t want to risk the car being recognised. When you were there you stood outside hidden for a few moments. There were lights on the house. You noticed the old lady you had seen in the morning from the window. There was also a shadow there that you couldn’t see clearly. But from what you were seeing they were probably having an argument. You reviewed your plan once more and you made sure that Sam had the bracelet on and you had yours.

“ Ready?...” Sam asked you in a low voice. His eyes locked on the house full of determination.

“ Ready!” You answered in the same determined tone as your eyes were also locked on the house. You shared a confirmation look and you both started heading towards the house eager to take them down!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter on March 25 or 27...:-)

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it!  
> I appreciate your feedback.  
> 


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